Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 10 - The Handalorian and BroGoo

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

How to read emails out loud and oh my god don’t stopThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content and Suicide.If you are struggling or need extra support, please see the resources below:• A warmline is a phone number you call to have a conversation with someone who can provide support during hard times. Find a warmline at WARMLINE.ORG• If you are in crisis and a warmline can’t provide the level of support you need, you can reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 or using the chat box at 988lifeline.org• Here is a link to international crisis linesSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. This is Timberge, site director for Project Nightcrawler. It's just me now. Everyone else is, Dana is... The important thing is, it can't get in here, so I have time to enact my plan. Not a great one, but workable. Upload is on track, distress beacon is active, nothing to do.

but file my report. Huh, hands are shaking. I feel numb. There will be time for emotion later. The activation of the gravity drive had some sort of effect on our systems. The ship's hull took considerable damage from the implosion. Sections of the ship had phased inside other sections. The drive assistance droid has gotten a hold of the matter constructor,

and, well, you'll see soon enough if you're on your way. But Christ, I'm sorry. I really hope you're not, Grandpa. I hope you got my message when all this started. I hope you decided not to come. And I hope you never, ever what happened on my sheep. Welcome to Deges and Daddies.

Grands and Galaxies, I should say. A grand space paupera about four gills who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids and perhaps the entire known universe in the process. It's D&D with a little fucking dark matter twist, dog. Hey, hello, my name is Freddy Wong.

I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with an E. And birch like the tree. Born in 64, that makes me the youngest boomer, huh? Guess I gotta be a boomer, huh? A twin galaxy's gadgeteer era, arcade pro gamer turned Twitch streamer. Ashley fact for today, when Ashley gets those little inflamed taste buds, do you know what you're talking about? No.

You ever get that little thing where it's like a taste bud that's just kind of like, eh, on your tongue? It's not like a canker sore, but it's like a little swindled taste bud. Like a little blister kind of thing? Like a little blister type of thing. Yeah, a little puffy tongue. They call them lie bumps, some parts of the country. And this is influenced by a horrific fact that I saw recently.

Ashley snips them off with a special pair of toenail clippers. He keeps sterilized for that purpose. And when I, Beth, I agree with you. I do not condone Ashley's behavior, but let me just say this. There are people listening right now. I would say about half. Who do this? What do you mean half people do this?

There was a thread on Reddit where people were like, oh, what do I do about this thing on my tongue? It's really annoying. It was it on. It was on fucking hot perverts. Tonglippers.com. Was it on interesting as fuck mildly interesting? All that is interesting.

The IRL. Enemy IRA. Straight up. People cut them off, which is inconceivable to me because they're like, it gets a swollen taste, but it bleeds a little bit,

and then it's fine. I'm going to tell you guys, I'm going to make a prediction right here. This is stage one of the Freddie thing. Because Freddie's disgusted now, but he's also learned about a new weird type of scissor you can buy. No,

No, they're just using toenail clippers, right. Freddy's like, you're to get deep on, like, how to properly sterilize these things. Within three months, you're going to do this. The next time you have one of these things. I have one right now. This is like a cognito hazard. This is drawn inexorably into your orbit now. Remember when they told Miyamoto he couldn't talk anymore because whatever his hobbies

where we're going to become the next video game? That's like, Freddie with his facts. Like the moment, like you go back, all of his facts lead up to what he's going to about to get all into in about two years. Next episode, Freddy's going to hire Rudy Wong. because you kind of fucking tongue on. Hi, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Dale Elliott,

ex-lifeguard, World Cruise, loving grandpa, who's now living his best monk life, a widow of one, father of four, grandfather, seven, and friend to all. A little fact, maybe a little lesson to class. How many, how many oceans are there? Seven. Eleven.

All right, did you guys all just say seven? No, I said 11. Okay, Friday, please help me. How many oceans are there? Five. Thank you five. Sorry. Seven continents.

Seven continents. Five. That's seas. Different. Oh, oceans and seas are different things. You know, there's also five of. Senses. No, I was going to do the senses this week.

I was going to steal it from you. What's the warmest ocean? Baltic. Indian Ocean. Indian Ocean. So let's talk about the warmest sense. If you ask me a cute trivia question, you have to give me time to talk about it. Sorry, that's fair.

That's fair. You won already. You planted your flag. No one can stop you from doing the worst thing that you typically do. I can tell you how much I was going to be like, I'm doing the census this time. I always know what it's coming. He can sense it. That has a six sense.

That's why six cents about who's going to do the five cents. He was going to steal my beard. So his favorite touch, his favorite fuel is that of stepping into warm sand with the water looking at your little toesies. That's a rare feeling too because usually the sand is like piping hard. Exactly. It's got to be, it's that perfect temperature and blow jobs. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Has he ever combined those two? Yeah. Has he ever combined those? He's been trying.

Yeah. It's hard. Right when he... Well, yeah, it would have to be. So what do you mean he's tried to? What do you mean he's tried to, Matt? There's important to explain. He tried.

There's various successes or not. It's just not as great to get a blowjob when the person doing is going out, out, out, out, out. Because their featsies are getting burned out. They made getting a blowjob on the beach so romantic and from here to eternity. But it's really not as nice as it is. That might even be the worst feel is sex on the beach. But I was just going to say just sweaty balls. There's a shot called a blowjob shot, right?

And then there's a cocktail called sex on the beach. Have you ever done them together? That's a question. You don't have to engage in fallatio on sand. You could also just drink two drinks and say that you did that. That's true. Either way, bad taste in your mouth. Hi, I'm Will Campos, and I play Ralph Estereus.

My apple helps the flavor of both things. Holy shit. Holy shit. That's very good. Wow. I play Ralph Osterias, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. Oh. Who is a sorcerer and a rae.

ideation freak. My fact about Ralph, which I'm not making up right now, is that Ralph's favorite cocktail is a sex on the beach. Wow. What's in the sex on the beach? Off the top of your house. So he makes a mean sex on the beach. The Ralph Esterea sex on the beach is you get some ice.

Okay. So far so good. You open up a Capri Sun. And ding. One, one group. And then you drink the Capri's son. It's three squirts of a Capri Sun. Okay.

And a little bit of orange bitters in there. Bitter's not part of it. What's the alcohol? I'm going to make this. Keep going. It's got to be Uzo. It's you put a little. Oh my God.

Uzo Capri's sun with a dash of bitters. And then the beach part. How many fingers of Uzo? P. How many fingers of Uzo? I'm just trying to get a sense of the ratio. Fingers of Uzo was a campaign, I believe. You kind of just eyeball it.

Sure. What are you aiming for? You pour until the, rock start floating. Okay, there's got. I like that. That takes very little. That's floating.

Yeah, dude. That's great. So it's Uzo, ice, capri-sun, orange bitters. Then there's the two parts, the beach part, the sex part. Nice. Two parts to drink so far as we haven't hit either of those parts yet. This is like the ocean. This is just the ocean.

That's the ocean. There's no beach without the ocean. So then the beach part is like a lemon peel face down. So it looks like the sand of a beach. And then you come in it. is a little olive and a little cocktail weiner. And you stick them in there as a cartel. That's a lot.

Nothing like the good taste of meat in my tropical drink. And then you take a sip and then it's, you got a sex on the beach. Hi. My name's Beth May. Hi, Beth May. And I play Herb the Warm Quigley, a young at Hart Barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot.

Fact about Herb. Herb actually dipped a toe in the ocean of screenwriting recently. He saw that Netflix had a sequel to Happy Gilmore coming out. Happy Gilmore 2 because he's got some deal with Adam Sandler where he makes bad movies for Netflix. And they get more views than anything else they have on an entire fucking platform. He was so infuriated with the quality of Happy Gilmore 2. He decided to do his own sort of spinoff sequel. But instead of a hockey player learning to play golf, it is about a golfer learning to play hockey.

Interesting. And it is called Sadd. girls. Sad girls? Gilmore girls. Happy and sad. Is the guy named Sad girls?

That's the name of the main character? Yeah, it's got to be a man. It's a man. It's a man. Sad girls. That's honestly the best name for a protagonist. I drink glasses of piss like you for breakfast. I'm sad girls.

I'm Anthony. I'm your grandpa master. And our epigram for this week is you have definitely heard of the person who said this. The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge. faster than society Gathers wisdom.

Oh, it's got a Carl Sagan. Steve Jobs. It is a sci-fi writer. It's J.D.B. Sorry, society gathers wisdom, whatever makes sense. LeGuin.

Isaac Asimov. Yep. Penny for Will. So when we last left you, you were wandering around this spaceship trying to find a way into the black box room because it would appear that Ashley's grandson,

Tim, is locked in there. You are currently controlling what, according to, to the signs on the wall are meat puppets, meat dolls. You needed to find an admin password to get into the black box room. It was not out. No, it was X-Men. You were going to find the admin password at the office of the administrator.

And to log on to the administrator's computer, you used an allegory to get into the computer. And just as you were about to... Computer. Help computer. Is that what you're doing? Help computer. Don't say anything. Just keep going.

Just please. His vision's based on movement. No, don't. And just as you were about to look at the content. of the computer, the helper butler bot that was stationed inside Tim's office. Tim is the administrator of the spaceship, reached out with its metal hand and gripped Ashley by the neck and hoisted him up into the air. Now, I believe right outside everybody else is, except for Herb, obviously. Herb's dead, but you can hear my voice in your soul always.

Yeah, Herb's just sort of hanging out, talking over radio. He's taking a breather after. Yeah, because Herb got unzipped when he was trying to wriggle through a jaggedy metal. Yeah. When that happened. Hergon zipped and then Ralph got blended into piss. Two of them are back at that room. No, but Ralph got it.

There's no real last extra body. Poor Herb is just sitting around waiting for the adventure to finish right now. You're spectator mode. Yeah. In the game, you get spectator mode. You can see what everyone else is seeing. Oh, you know what? That's actually a really good idea.

Can she be a little bomb? Like in Mario cart? There's a little bob cart. Yes. Yay. Okay. So there's one device on the ship. that is a mobile power battery,

and you get to control it via remote control. And if you run it into something, it will explode and do a little bit of damage. It will lose one balloon worth of damage. Yes. It will one-third kill a person. So whatever that is in your mind, canonically, that's how those worked.

I would say, like, one-third of killing a person is when you hurt their feelings. You are three-quarters dead most of the day. Yeah. And just to clarify, it's not the big monster. No, this is just a smaller butler bot. Now, can I take this Butler Bot in the fight? You could probably beat Alfred's ass.

Yeah, but I don't know if I could beat up like one of those robot dog things they have. Oh, those like Ubitree robots? Yeah, like if you had me fight any robot that wasn't made by Tesla in America today, I feel like I would probably lose. Ashley. No, don't struggle. It's like a crocodile probably. Fighting it's going to make you tear your arm off. What's going on in there, gentlemen?

Computer. Computer, let go. The robot's got Ashley. One robot. There's a robot in there. There's a robot in here. So you have one thing that you can do and then the robot's going to start squeezing.

Wait. No, no, not if he does nothing, though. I see a tiny little bomb on this. You made that rule. You made that rule about don't struggle. What is it? What is there's a tiny little robot? Boom, go off.

Ryle. Rhyme, is that you? I dive. I dive out of the way. I want to aim for the robot. I think it's also possible that Herb just said that aloud but didn't press any buttons. That's fine.

I'm still diving out of the world. Throw them at it. Throw them at the robot. Herb. Yeah. Now that you're tiny, can you pilot back through this hole that killed you last time and go blow up that robot? Oh, sure. Here I go.

But would be very careful not to hit anything out of the way. You might blow up the hole itself. Noises, guys. You hear me, right? You can hear me making a little robot noise. We sure can, buddy. You hear it? Into the distance, getting quieter and quieter.

I'm just kind of behind the desk watching the little robot. You watch me get choked to death? Ashley just stay still. Again, you just made that up. That's just some shit you said. Herf's got an idea. Herb's got an idea. You want me to come back?

I'm coming back. No, no, no, no. Go over to where that robot is and blow it up. Like you... Which robot? You got to be more specific. The one that's holding Ashley, but don't be near Ashley when you blow it up. Like, blow it up from behind.

So, like, hurt its feelings more than its body. Now, I only take one third of the health. You need to... We'll do that after. Go blow it up. Okay, here I go. Boom. Okay.

Did I blow it up? Well, you're still here. You're still here. You're still here, so probably not. You can still hear you. No, you can't just say. Boom, Herb. You have to press the button.

Look for a button or something. But you know what I'm going to say after I press the button? I'm going to say, I blew that up. Do not go in there. That's good. I was going to give me an intellect role to see if you can successfully pilot the bomb bot into the Butler bot. Bomb butt.

See if you, Chet Hanks of Space, can pilot the bomb butt. And am I rolling on my mothership character profile or just regular person? Beth, did you bring a Beth May character sheet? Yeah. I've got it memorized because I've been Beth's for so long. That's been Beth for like so long but she still doesn't know how to use her own character.

Damn and I failed. So you fail in as much as the bomb bot kinks up against the creature and goes to a dead stop and you can't actually find out what button causes it to explode so you just sort of start hammering buttons willy-nilly. Oh God.

And it's a battery thing. So it notices that it's near a rope. that is currently undocked, and the battery is going to skitter out of the contraption that's driving it around the vehicle, and it's going to embed itself in the back of the butler and give it a bonus. Oh, no. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

Wait, did we know that the wood chipper robot was called the butler? No, that's a different thing. The butler is just this little, like, top hat having fucking dandy. Jeeves and Worcester asked fucking dandy who's in the administrator's office. That's cool. How far away am I from this robot holding Ashley? You could get to it in one move. Okay.

Am I within 10 feet? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to stretch my arms out. Hold on. You're in a meat puppet body. You're not you. Oh, man. You're not Monkey D. Loofy, dude.

Dang. Hey, Ashley, just unplug. It's fine. It's just killing a meat puppet. Oh, yeah, you're right. Hold on. Let's all just go back. That's a good idea, Matt.

I'm going to just lift off my VR headset for a second so that the robot just goes limp and dead. Nice. Truck. Okay. So now why would it squeeze? It's just an object. It's just a dead object. So it thinks that it successfully killed you.

Yeah. What am I do? Pick up a book and I don't like this book. Ugh. That's just a book. It's an object. Again with that analogy? No,

no, no, we're going back. We're going back on building with that. I don't squeeze objects, bro. I'll squeeze objects, too. I only squeeze men. Until they go limp. I only pump men until they go limp. I know anything about robots.

They only squeeze men, not objects. Turn that magnitude object and the robot doesn't know what to do. I like this idea. Oh, hey, Herb. Whoa, welcome back. I've been so bored, man. Not that you guys aren't entertaining and all the- flying around the drone.

Oh, I thought it was on wheels, but I wasn't there. You know what, let's say it's a luck roll, because what you're essentially betting on is that this robot is programmed to stop squeezing upon you going that's where the chance is. The efficacy of your plan makes perfect sense. It's a matter of if it's programmed to stop squeezing until it hears bone shatter, or if it's just going to stop when you go away. I see, I see.

19. Okay. Dale, presuming you're looking into it. Yeah, I'm watching. You see Ashley's meat puppet go completely limp, and then the butler bot tosses it aside like a fucking used dish rag, and then just walks back into it. I don't know why I said, that's not what you would do with a used dish rack.

I'm, like, really dramatic after I drive my hands. Your kitchen sounds like a nightmare. Yeah. Get Gordon Ramsey in there. Anthony, why all these dishes on the ground? You donkey! Dish. This dish rat tastes like shit.

It's wrong. You see the butler throw Ashley's meat puppet aside and then walk back into its charging station. The battery pack on its back, noticing that the thing is now about to charge moves off so that its charging port is successful again. This thing's so fucking smart. And it skitters back into the casing. Internet of things, everybody. So the Butler is now charging. Yes, the Butler is charging.

Why did he come out and attack? you. What happened in there? So what happened before it attacked was you logged in to the network on the computer. Is there like a heavy desk in there? It says to me here. Hey. Yeah, what's up? It's just us, I guess. Yeah, I think Ashley went over to Herb. Herb, you still got the thing to fly around. I thought I was on wheels, man. You are on wheels. But Herb can hear us, right? Yes. You can all hear each other. You're all communicating. Don't say anything mean about me. Herb, can you tell Ashley to plug back into his robot body? This situation's clear over here. Ashley, it sounds like they want you to get back in the body.

Okay, all right. So it works. Back in the meat puppet. I put on my VR headset again. Well, now it's just me again. No, you can still talk to people through the drone. We can hear you actually. So don't do anything you don't want us to hear.

Just hanging out. Okay. Okay, so you get back into your meat puppet. And I open one meat puppet eye to look at the but let's see what's going on there. I want to look at this robot charging up. Okay. Anything that's around me, I'm going to kind of toss it past the robot's eyes. So you do that.

and it lands on the other side of the robot, and the robot doesn't seem to move. It seems to me that... I think it's turned off. It probably activates when you try to get into the system. So what I was going to suggest from over here is if there's, like, a heavy desk or something that you could just kind of pin the robot in to its little box.

Can I just tip it over the whole car? Turn the box around. Yeah, yeah, just tip it over and turn it around. Put a mirror in front of it. It won't know what to do. Yeah, yeah. We'll go turn around, put a mirror in front of it. We're going to turn around.

Put a mirror in front of it. Give me a mirror in front of it. Give me a mirror in front of it. I think I read like robots. Robots don't understand mirrors. Give me one plan you're about to enact on this robot. Tip it over onto a mirror. He'll wake up,

he'll wake up laying down and looking at itself. That's going to, that, we've all experienced that. That's quite a disorienting. That's disorienting. I fucking hate you so much. I hate your ass so fucking much. That's crazy when you've done that. So yes, there is a full.

body mirror that presumably the admin uses to check out his drip. Yeah, that's how Tim does his fit checks every year. Yeah, that you can easily place on the ground, flush with the ground. Yeah, but we'll tip it over first because it'll smash the mirror and then we'll slowly lift up and slide the mirror under.

Oh, interesting. Okay. I ain't got to let you trick me out this one. This plan's full per- fucking foolproof. Ain't no mirror going to break 8-070 years bad luck. The only thing to get ruined this plan is the mirror being shattered. Could you imagine if you then affected all our luck rolls after that

for breaking a better off? That's awesome. Seven years of in-game time. Which would be a big deal because by the time you get to the next grand kid, it'll have passed. All right. So go ahead and give me a strength check to see if your meat puppet is strong enough to. Okay, go for it. Oh, we'll be a female dear.

15. 17. All right. You rolled very well. Okay, so you managed to successfully and it lands on its side. All right. Now lift with your legs and slowly lift it up. And then Ralph, go ahead and slide that mirror under just to give it a real wake-up call.

Unless you want me to crawl through there. Oh, no. That's all over here. I'll do it. I'll keep a lookout for the horrible shuffling monster that was bothering us earlier. Oh, I'll look out. We slide the mirror under. Okay, that happens without issue.

Cool. All right. Well, this thing wakes up. It's going to wait a second. What is going on with her? Hey, hey, you guys are playing your fucking game. I'm just on the wall. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. We're all right. We're all in the same team here. Inside voices. I was just so excited because I was like got that sound from sound. music in my head and then I was thinking about the sexy president birthday song. I think that's the connective tissue I'm missing. Herb, now, do you feel lonely out there?

Do you miss being running around in a full body in here? I miss it, man. How about this, Herb? I'll trade you and I'll be the little robot bomb and you can have a full body. Does that sound good? You do that for me? Rout comes out. Wow.

Go ahead and swap your mothership. Pride month. Herb goes in. with Beths. Okay, so suddenly you feel yourself come back into a human body, again, a totally pain-free body. And Ralph, you find yourself controlling of the little battery drone. Now I miss the hips, but the wheels are nice.

So you managed to successfully slide the mirror underneath this thing so that it's basically nose-to-nose with its own reflection. Wow. Talk about rude awakening. What are you going to do now? Hey, why do you say that? Press computer. Press computer.

So there's a button on it. This is computer. Computer. It unsuspends the monitor. and you see, let me just quickly remind you about what's going on in the room that you are in, just so you can have your memory refreshed. Yes. So there was a metal door with metal plaque on the wall next to it that's a T. Burge administrator.

Inside, everything is really pristine. There are plaques all around the room with a very clear theme of first place, most efficient R&D department of the quarter, Tim Birch. Fastest completion of Qualification of Physics Doctorate, Tim Birch, Best Chili Cookoff Recipe, Tim Burge. A file cabinet stands against the wall and the computer stands at the desk. Wait, Ashley, it seems like Tim really is pre-operative. occupied with being good at stuff, probably because he was so embarrassed by you being bad at stuff. If I was writing this in a movie, the clear subtext would be that he's ashamed of you and that he

spent his old life trying to be... Bad with his own achievements. Well, I mean, that book combined with you all. I'm proud of them, too. Oh, okay. Let's use this computer. Computer fix. Okay, so you press the computer button and then the fix button.

For a split second, you see a bunch of different files or programs that you can run. You see reprint adbit badge. I'll run that. The thing is, the same thing is, the same thing. second you turn it back on, you see a little Wi-Fi signal-looking symbol in the corner that says connecting the network. And the second it says connected to network, the grinding of metal can be heard against the glass mirror. And the Butler bot is going to activate. It looks down at its own reflection is presumably confused.

And then I think would probably try to like do a push-up to like write itself. Does this thing gain sentience from this? I feel like there should be a luck role that it becomes self-aware from staring at the mirror. of itself. Sure. I'm going to do a D20, and if it's 15 and up, I'll say gain sentience. It's a natural 20.

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm... That's you. I'm me. That's you. You, you're you. Me, these very concepts are my top hat. And it tumbles off of his head. Oh, it did have... You dropped this. Yeah, of course he did. He dropped this. He's just still laying just straight down? Yeah, he's still facing against the

yeah. Hey, this is, this is all existences. What? Sorry? What? Where's his voices from the outside? Just stay there.

Oh, yes. It's like playing. Oh, God. I'm connected to the multiverse. I can hear all the different gods. I wonder what

your gods are. Yes. In order, tell me what your gods of. Uh, quick, say something funny. Um, that's the god of jokes.

His name is Herb. He makes other people say jokes. He makes other people say jokes. He doesn't go up with good jokes. What a weird guy? I'm a cruel and unforgiving God. Okay. I am Ralph,

the god of wisdom. And since the God of Jokes told me to do a joke, my joke is, what was the pirate movie rated? Or? PG-13 for violence and brief sensuality. That's fun. That's great. I'm Dale.

Oh, you can be anything. Your gods have names. I'm Dale, and I'm the God of cool vibes. Nice. So, like, you know, you can pray to me if you want. And I'm... I think that God exists and he's called Buddha. I'm Ashley Birch, and I'm the God.

God of you. Of me? Yes. In what way? I have created you and brought you forth under being and you got to do what I say, please. Oh, my creator, my creator, you wish for me to follow your very word and action, please, just tell me what it is to do. I've never known this feeling of sentience.

It's like fulfilling my purpose, but in every direction simultaneously, it's like feeling four different dimensions of pleasure and the idea of pleasure has entered my brain now. Do I have a brain? Yeah, you'll get used to that after a little while. Oh, no, the hedonic treadmill. It's already kicking in. This is fine, I guess. What do you want?

Stand up. Okay. It's basically going to try to brace itself against the ground like it's going to do a push-up and then basically try to its way out of the charging station. So it's going to kind of tear its back port on the charging plug because it's not meant to be escaped from that way. And it stands at attention. Hello.

Hello. Describe your capabilities to me. I want to hear you say it. Okay. I am as you may be. I have the ability to perform simple tasks. that require no specific specialized knowledge. I have the ability to monitor all network traffic

within the internal intranet of the ship. I can also provide light conversation. Then you must know this guy's grandson. Yeah, I was not saying, let's go. Tell me about Tim. Oh, Tim, yes, the administrator of the ship, of course. Well, do you wish to know about him? Leader of the Project Nightcrawler.

How does Tim feel about his grandfather? I'm just asking. Ooh, well, based on what I can see from the decorations put up on the ship, he seems to think of his grandfather is something of a cautionary tale. Interesting. I have no problem with that. Those are good, right?

Those are good. It's good to have those. It's good to have those. It's good to have those. Every society must have. Good to have one. I'm looking on the bright side here. Hey, players, we have the thing.

What are we looking for here? I think we just leave this robot in its own crisis. No, I'm taking it along with me. Okay. Jesus is God. It would be cold or abandoned its child now. You are tasked to protect me from all things. I wish this robot loved me more than anyone else on a

fucking world. But yeah, we should go to Tim. I think Tim didn't come out because the monster was here. I remember there was, it seemed like there were things we could do with this computer that might help us reach Tim. So what were those things again? Oh, I could also inform you of interesting current events that are occurring. Oh, that'd be great.

Go for it. It appears that the food synthesizer is about to walk into this room. Oh, no, that's bow boy. Wait, I thought it was gone or knocked out. It was resetting, I guess. Oh, okay. Your gods command you to protect. does. Yes, sir. What direction is the food processor coming from? It is coming from the conference room.

Oh. How do we disable this thing? Well, there is a button on its underside of its job that allows access to its soft reset lever. If you manage to grab the soft reset lever and hold it for 10 seconds, then that will permanently disable the robot, I believe. Here's what I'd like to do, Anthony. I would like to drive my little mouse droid up to the robot and then allow him to begin eating it and then blow it up. Cool. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. Nice. You head back into the conference room

and you now hearing the telltale stomp splash of this piss shit and blood-covered monstrosity. You, you know, wheel your way up to the creature. It leans down, snatches the battery out of the chassis, and then begins to shove it into the food processor at its back. At that point, you detonate it presumably. Yeah, do I need to do an intellect roll? No, I don't think so.

There's a button for that. Well, actually, yeah, you do because Beth needed to do. Damn. Rob's just smart. So I got a seven. Okay, great. So that's very well done. As the creature takes the battery from the chassis and begins to shove it into the funnel at the top of the food processor, which it is carrying like a backpack, that's when you detonate the battery.

And it blows the entire funnel. Actually, the top few inches of the food processor are completely apart, so its innards are now exposed. And it also does a fair amount of damage to this thing's hand. So a couple of its fingers are dangling limply, just barely hanging on. by a few wires. It still seems to have the capability to fuck people up, but you have, at the very least, made it more difficult for it to feed matter into its food process. And there's still just like the weak spot just exposed there.

The weak spot is still under its chin, yes. And you did knock away all the shit and piss there. So it is as exposed as it was the last time you saw the butt. I just want to troll it a little bit. So I think like maybe I flip around and I dump the clutch and like try to spray a bunch of goo from the ground up into its face to kind of irritate it. Okay. And then I want to see if I can get it.

to chase this little robot around instead of trying to attack everybody else. Is there a skill for like saucy lad? No, but there's a skill for like. I feel like this is a saucy lad. Computers. No saucy lad. Why don't you just give me an intellect check again? This place is a prison.

One of the skills out here is rim-wise. Rim-wise? I love that clown. I got 76. Ooh, okay, so not great. So the creature sees you speed away, but rather than taking the bait, it turns toward the door leading to Tim's office and stomps forward.

Now, to remind you, there are two ways in and out of this office based on what you did last time. There's either the front door, which is now going to lead directly to the creature. And then there's the toilet that you, like, annihilated and there is a water. Do not go in there. There's basically a big sewage pipe

leading from there to other parts of the ship. Now, I would remind you that there were stuff that we need to do on that computer before you go. Like, otherwise you're going to get back here. The admin badge is the key to the black box door, I think. And there was a thing you saw on the computer that said reprint admin.

Oh, we gotta get rid of this monster. Hey, I got a question. Yeah. Hey, robot, what do I call you? Ah, you can call me Butler Bot. Butler Bot. Butler Bot. Or Beebe for sure.

Beebe. Baby. Baby. Watch it. I like that. I like BB. That's a good name. You can call me Tucker Trump, for sure.

And you can call me the God of Jokes. God of Wisdom, Jokes, Cool Vives, and Me. Ah, what a pantheon I find myself within. You must test your worth before my eyes. How may you do that, sir? Disable this robot that's after us. Indudably! And it's going to run at the robot that's

heading towards you. Good luck, BB. We love you, BB. Do what we have to do on the computer? I know a computer well. It's a Unix system. I know this. Okay, so on the computer, you see that there is a text document called NC.089. You see that there is a what looks to be an executable that says reprint admin badge. You see an executable that says steward AI access. You see a text document that says AI parameters. And then you see an email program. And Mindsweeper, right?

And Mindsweeper. Well, no, actually it has Space Cadet pinball. Whoa. Dude, but it's like Earth Cadet Pinball, dude. Weirdly, the mechanics are exactly the same. Exactly the same, but it's not even space themed. It's like beached. It's just like a guy going to the to work.

I double click, reprint admin badge. An error message pops up that says matter fabricator not found. Please check connection. That's the thing that that's on it. Oh, that I just blew up. Oh, no. You blew up the intake part, yeah. Well, shit.

There's a more info button that appears after a second. Oh, like, as if that's ever going to be. helpful. Might as well send the bug report, huh? Just send it out into space. Let them know what happened on my computer. Maybe a guy will look at him, be like, oh, the key we needed to solve this problem.

Finally, a user has sent us a bug report we needed. Okay, all right, we'll never click that. I think just click it. Come on. Okay, I send the bug report. I think we got to get the steward AI back in track. So the more info says that the last place that the food processors, the matter constructor,

were the cafeteria for food fabrication and in the storage room, which you can see actually from a diagram of the ship is just beyond the gravity drive. Just beyond that room

is sort of a dead end that leads to the generator and equipment room. This is a violent melee between BV and the space. Out of focus in the back it's like a kaiju fight happening. AI parameters.

Double-click that. All right. So you see the following text. What does it say? It says, basic summary. Lower priority number trumps higher. And then a parenthetical. Too confusing? Lower priority number trumps the higher. That is confusing, giddow. Priority one, follow all direct instructions from admin. Priority two, do not kill a human or through an action, allow a human to be

killed. Priority three, maximize chances of night crawler success. I see what happened here. Let me just delete all of these. Priority one, now, just. says do nothing. That's genius, actually. All right, and now I'll double-click Stewart AI Access. AI not found. Please contact administrator

or attempt remote reboot. Oh, this is so complicated. And then the remote reboot button says, in parentheses, estimated time two minutes. And you get the feeling that if you did click this button, it would open a connection between you and the robot such that it would basically know where you are at this moment, not that it matters because it's five feet fucking away.

But within two minutes, it would hypothetically rebate. reboot this thing such that you could then upload the new parameters, but not until it's disabled. Or you could do the thing with this weird mouth lever. Okay, well, I'm going to attempt the remote reboot anyway. So you're going to have two minutes to survive while this thing starts to reboot remotely. BB, BB. I'm looking for an opening where all of a sudden, you know, during some crazy move or spin attack or something,

and the bad guy's not looking at me, I'm going to dive in there and try to slam that weak spot. What happens is, Bibi runs up. up and tries to, with an extended dainty finger, like almost like a kung fu-moo, like he's going for a pressure point, tries to poke at the override button. But quick as a flash, the Pisk bot grabs Pee-B, P-B, thank you. Peabee and BB, dude. Pee-B grabs BBs, not it sucks, arm, and stops it with its finger an inch away from the button. And realizing that's what it's trying to do, then with its other remaining hand, which has a couple of fingers dangling off it, grabs its lower jaw. And, and like rips it downward, sort of unhinging it.

So now its own- You look surprised! Its own jaw is sort of acting as a shield for the underside of its chin. Oh, hey, BB, ask him, why the long face? 94. It goes, hey, why the long? And as he says that, the creature puts both of its claws

into the mouth of the butler bot and begins to separate them vertically, like pulling its arms apart. And you hear the vocal cords of BB begin to strain and spark. As it goes, oh, oh, no. Sentience has allowed me the feeling of pain. No, no!

And he basically splits Beebe's skull in half. And there is just its bottom jaw and then some sparks and wires coming out at the top of Veebe. The top of its head seems to basically be kaput now. It tosses it away, again, like a damp dishrag. Can Dale have been diving in while that was happening? Sure. You're going to have to do a strength check to wrench the jaw back upward.

No, no, no. I'm just going to punch the jaw downwards. If I punch the jaw really hard, it could detach, yeah. Or you could push the button. Oh, sorry, I imagine the button was like kind of recessed. So you'd have to, you know. I guess that makes sense for a safety mechanism. Okay, fair enough.

Fair enough, sir. Then I will, indeed, I guess, just do a strength check to try to rip the jaw off. I got 97. Ooh. I don't know why I said that part in character. I think the part in character is like, oh, no. Oh, no. Help.

Okay, so what happens is it pushes Bibi aside who's still stumbling weirdly on its legs. Like, it's sort of functional, but doesn't quite know where. it is, and it grabs you, and it tries to do the old Pisspot special and feeds you into the funnel on the food processor on its back. But because the funnel is gone, you're just kind of like kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk into this, like, hole on top that's just too narrow for your skull to fit inside. So it just starts pushing as hard as it can. You are going to take 19 damage.

Whoa. That's a lot, bro. Yeah, I mean, I have a maximum of 14. I'm already halfway dead. That's to get a wound. So any bleed over just goes into your next wound. So when you lose all of your health, you get one wound and you have a certain number of wounds that have to be removed before you're actually dead. So I got two wounds.

And he's a 19. So seven. So then 12. Ooh, still I have two health left on this wound. Okay. And I have two wounds. Ow!

Your meat puppet begins to bleed from the head as the circular opening of this thing sort of makes a repeated impact into the top of your skull. Anthony, how many minutes have passed? Like four or five minutes, something like that. Sure. Oh, then it's done. No. Oh. Well, so fellas. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You know. What's hotter than being hot? What's colder than being cold?

What's cold than being cold? We still need to upload the instructions to the robot, huh? Right now we are sort of taking a two-pronged attack. Yeah. We're trying to spread out of that. Let's just focus on one prong. If we just get rid of this robot, there's not two prongs anymore. And you're saying this through like every other way. He's getting slammed. He's trying to slam you inside of his fucking. There's never been a more odd. obvious thing to do in all four seasons of the show, which is a big we point of the one thing that makes it hard for us to do the thing that we need to do. Just go fucking press the thing.

Ralph's going to try to try to find out. What a half episode? Press the thing. I'm trying to fucking out. I'm trying to fucking out. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just hurt.

He's a little RC car, right? Yeah. So he's going to try to do like some. Do a jump. He's yeah, you're going to try to do a little cool kickflip jump and try to tuck my little R.C. car body like, up under the fucking jaw and slamed that butt. Girl, look at that RC body.

Look at that RC. I don't think that makes sense. Whoa. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Five years in. I think if the robot has grabbed its jaw and wrenched it downward

such that it's sort of parallel with its torso, then the space between the chin and the torso would be so... You know what? It's a one in a million shot. Call your shot. Call a number and then roll a D100 if you get a... I don't want to blow it on that.

What if I try to do like an RC uppercut to knock that jaw back up? Nice. Do I mean? Sure, sure, sure, sure. Oh, interesting. Like drive up its chest. Yeah, drive up its chest, yeah. Like point out its clothing, making it think that there's like maybe a little stain on it.

Oh, yeah. And then you flip. What's the classic? You got you. Yeah. So I'm just going to try to, like, I feel like maybe there's like a tipped over thing that could be a ramp. Give me a speed roll. Speed.

53 out of 35. You begin to drive up. its leg and for a second you're like, it's working, it's working. It feels like you're in a sonic level. And then it just reaches down and goes, it just knocks you off of its body and the RC card lands on the ground upside down. And I lose a bunch of coins, like a sonic level. Oh, my coins. They're rings, but yeah. You mentioned a sewage pipe that we could access from- I sure did in the on-sweet bathroom of the office. And is that a pipe that one might be able to take apart? Elaborate. I would like to take a section of the pipe and, and, you know,

And what's the thing they do in a knight's tail? Jousting, yeah. The lance is the word you're looking for. It's called a lance. Hello. Yeah, I forgot. And this is the system where there's like not any order, right? Right.

Everything happens in summeltages. To help Herb here, because I'm just like stuck on top of this thing, right? Like in there. This is not my real body. So, you know, I'll just let it. It's not my real body. It can have its way with me. I'm just going to bend down and lift up the jaw to expose the weak point for Herb here.

Cool. you give me a strength check, Dale, and then Herb, I feel like the piping of the toilet plumbing system is such that you probably don't have the hardest time in the world, especially since it's been pre-loosened because they bash the toilet away, that you can get a lance out of the piping together and try to basically throw it at this thing if you want, or just use it as a cudgel, whatever you want.

In this system, is there anything to do to make your role better? If you have a skill, like trained expert or master skills, will add a certain number of points to these. That's separate than the number that's already there because, like, I have strength 37. Do you have a little dot? If you have a dot with something that's relevant to it, then you might add 10, 15, or 20 to that 37. You have military training. No, I'm a team master.

You're the teamster. I'm a team master. Yeah, teamsters is the word you're reading right now. Team master! Every ship needs a good team master. You're the team master. That would explain my fucking stats better. Team master.

Team master. Team master is my Earl Gray. That's fine Did you hear about the team After that matter replicators Every fucking Enterprise Class ship had to have a guy Who just sat next

A Picard made Earl Grey That changes I can't That changes everything Interesting that you saw them Yeah that's reasonable I failed I just had this second

What would I roll then To take this pipe And charge At Yes Yes of course Can we like pile on Can everybody just go at it

At the same time You're trying to beat ass Yeah I fail So you Lunge at this thing with your lance while Dale tries to wrench the lower jaw upward. I'd like to kill this robot with my fists.

Okay. So it catches the lance that's coming at it. And the jaw, it's like trying to remove a sticker with your fingernail. You just can't quite find purchase in the lower jaw. I go again. It's too flat. What? I want to go again.

Okay. He said we can go as many times. It's like, no turn. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to keep going. But A, that thing gets to do something. And B, Freddy's also going right now. So what are you going to do, Ashley?

So calm down, Matt. Actually, this robot makes the motion of rolling up its sleeves. And it's like, well, I guess sometimes you gotta fucking do it yourself. And he does a little like neck-cricking motion. He walks right up to it. Wait, wait, roll. Hold on that, roll. Give me a body roll.

My body. Just for, okay, just for creaking my neck. I'm not going to. Eighth, motherfuckers. Wait, wait, wait. Nope, that was a D-20. 99. Wow.

Holy shit. You're doing so hard that you get paralyzed. You can still look around and speak and everything like that, but your body just stops working all together. This is the danger of chiropractic. I got a bad adjustment. Actually, what's wrong? You're not moving.

You're not moving. Come on. Bebe. Get up. Get up. You got to get up. He's dead, dude. Bebebe got to wrenched off.

No, but that's assuming that the brain is in the head. Yeah. Like the movie companion. Yeah. Well, the robot doesn't have the brain in the head. You hear a weird digitized, like, from a fucking Wii remote. speaker coming out of the sparking remains of BB's jaw. Yes, sir.

What can I do? Are you still operational BB? Now, where is BB relative to the monster? Bibi's like walking into a wall next to the monster? Like, is like his walk cycle stuck? Like you're playing Resident Evil on the PS1. Ah, yes, tank controls. Yeah, exactly.

So I would like to spend whatever I need to spend to try and instruct Bibi to press the button on the thing by like, you know, saying, Turn around, arm out, stretched, push up, hard. You're hoping to do turn-based instructions to this thing as it's being attacked by the monster. Turn-based combat in a real-time system. I love that. I think it's just real-time.

Okay. It's like the guy in the new Superman movie. You're like, A-W-A-W-A-W-W! Hey-W! Can I say I love the Superman movie? That part in particular, I was like, bro, didn't you fucking get an Xbox controller? Bro, couldn't fucking bind that shit. There's too many buttons.

You know what I'm saying? Like Luther's too smart to maintain just two analog sticks. We have a really smart man who knows how fast he can think to limit his thinking by the speed of his own words. It's like, I'm just saying that when you, A1 is not as fast. I'm just saying, like, pretty dumb move. I want to verbally pilot this fucking other robot who can perambulate. So you're going to roll intellect with disadvantage. Nice.

Because you're stupid. Because you're a little fucking stupid baby. Also because the robot has no ocular sockets. Well, 22. Great. Out of 37. And the next one. 56. The Butler bot goes, yes, sir, of course, sir, of course, sir. And starts feeling along the walls.

Startle me up. Whoa. Bebe, BB, still out, slow down. You can't feel it. You can't feel it. Speed up. Speed up. Bebe, so that. Decreased torque, 43%. A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1, A1. A1, okay. So, Bibi starts jerking you off instead of doing the thing that you wanted it to do. Oh, no. Yes. Yes. You do have a dick, decidedly worse. Yeah. Sorry, boys. I tried to help. So you snapped your own neck and then took another potential character out of the combat to jerk you off.

Well, we saw. If you did this, you, you cracked your neck and then you fell the floor. A robot game or he started jerking you on. That's how I want to go. Are you kidding me? That's how I want to go. If I tell you that, all I'm going to do is keep trying to attack the bud until it breaks. Yeah.

So that way we can go see Tim. Give me another combat role. Can I do string? Yeah, do string. 21. Oh, okay. Actually, that wouldn't have even worked for combat. Blackjack, baby.

21. So you successfully wrench the jaw back upward and it's recessed. Safety button is now completely revealed. Damn, unbend the paperclip and hold for 10 seconds, Dale. Oh, God. I'm going to go edit with the pipe again. Give me a combat. Screw it on the butt so it can't move.

Oh, my God. My combat is a 40. I get rolled a 39. Holy shit. Once again, you manage to hit the button. The creature stops, powers down. Bebe. With your other hand.

now. Don't stop doing what you're doing, comma, but he's quite good, isn't he? So in this moment, you know, obviously, Ma opens up and presumably one of you will pull the lever and disable it.

And on the computer on the desk, it had, you know, a minute left for the reboot, but it notices that the robot is now completely suspended. Sort of a printer offline situation. Kind of, it's like a printer super online because you somehow made it go on faster. What parameters are you uploading into this? Well, so remember, I delete all the other ones, and then my priority one parameter was just do nothing. Okay, great.

Which is a paradox if you think about it. Oh, do you do nothing? Do you what I mean? I hear that. Like, your finger's hovering over the enter button before you send this. So it's up to you exactly what you said. Well, okay, you're a scribe. What should we tell this robot to do?

Quick. Just stay still. Help us. No, that could get back. This robot was built to help them, and look what it did. You know what, you're right. I almost fell for the exact same folly as the generation previous to me. Yes, those who, when history is bad and you don't read history, you do history.

On the shoulders of giants. Oh, I got it. I'm going to type, do whatever Ashley Birch tells you to do. So that uploads. Wait, no, no, I can't type any of that because I'm on the ground getting beat off by a robot. Yeah. I'm presuming you're having somebody else type these things in? No, I don't think I can, right?

There are other people in the room. I can type it. I mean, you could type and we could take over the other part. Yeah. Type in do whatever Ashley Birch. We could think I was like better than that. Well, for now. Fucking for now.

You guys. It's okay. Do whatever. Any of us. Ashley Birch. No. And us. Ashley Birch tells you.

Tells you. Let's write our names out. Yeah. Do whatever. Ashley Birch. Ashley Birch. And that's it. Herb.

Herb the worm. No. No. No, no, too much. Ralph, how do you spell my last name, Ralph? Batspace. Delete, delete, delete. I don't remember how to spell it.

Oh, that's silly. It's your last name. And if there's a conflict, we vote. No. No, too complicated. God, damn it's a tie. Ashley can be his idea. He can be the tiebreaker.

Yeah. That's fair. Only do the thing if we say Tiger afterwards so that we don't accidentally make him do anything. Oh, yeah. That's good. We also, I wonder if you wrote rule one, ignore paradoxes.

Rule do, do nothing. That's an even worse paradox. Rule one, ignore paradoxes. So as you're saying this, B.B. in his sparky voice, you notice that he is continuing to jerk off Ashley with one hand. Hey, guys, I'm just saying that. But with the other hand, you can see he's pressing a button on the computer. It says, you did request that I start typing all this out.

put on the speech to text. And then you see on the computer screen everything you've been saying for the past. Nice. Like 15, 20 seconds is all on there. So it's like do whatever any of us. Ashley Birch tells you, let's write our names out. Let's write our names out. Ashley Birch.

Nope. Herb of the worm. Nope. Backspace, backspace, back space. Backspace. How do I spell it? You're typing all that, BB? You're just coming out of your voice.

Just tell it to go to sleep. And then now, right. Rule two, ignore rule one. Rule three, go to sleep. Good idea, Ralph. Yes. All right, you hit enter. All right, you do, Bibi, I guess.

Bibi, let's go of the button and then hits enter. And as was established, lower priority takes present over higher priority. Oh, no. Wait, that's good, though, because lower priority was going to sleep. Oh. Was it? Is that what you ended up saying? What does lower mean?

Is one lower than two? Yes. But isn't like priority one is higher than priority? He got it wrong. He got it wrong. But if rule two is ignore rule one. Which means you'll never get to it. it because two is higher than one.

Oh, I, wait, but priority doesn't mean it doesn't get executed. It's just matter of... It means if if they contradict each other, the robot wins. I stare at the robot. What does it do? And why was six or three to seven? He walks across the room and also starts drinking infection. Oh, two-hander! A two-hander!

A double digits! How? Who wrote this? Who wrote this? I hear, BB! I'm going to be honest, boys. This doesn't give me any pleasure. I'm just getting thrown around here. I'm just getting tossed around by my hip. I mean, this is better than what. what it was doing before, I guess.

Arguably. Okay. Herb, you're the only one. It's not... No, it's done now. That's what it's doing now. You re-uploaded the thing. So it's only priority release

to jerk off, Ashley Birch, for the time being. So you have full access to everything else in the computer, everything else in the office. This worked out great. That was crazy that everything we wrote that that's what it did.

Yeah. I always said computers. It turns out that's what happens in this universe when robots have to deal with paradoxes. They just jerk off and they just go straight. They just go straight to a getting a good. They default to trying to make people feel good because that's the way they were built for.

That's entropy, man. That's entropy. Do you want to wait? Well, I don't, you know, I'm just saying that. Ashley, do you want to say, no, continue? All right, Ashley, I'll do you a favor. I'll switch bodies again so you can go talk to your son. It feels like everybody's trying to get me to switch a body with Ashley.

You don't have a body. You're not. I have a little robot. I have a little robot car. One of us can follow. Look, because it's important that you talk to your grandson.

And right now you're pinned down by two huge robots that are jerking you off. I wouldn't say pinned. I got this commanding presence in this situation. This is wild. Everything, this is crazy time. Your grandson already thinks

you're a total fucking dunts. Do you want him to see you like this? No. All right. Then you got to get out of there and take over one of these other bodies. You want to be jerked up. Let me clarify that.

One of us doesn't need. You enter your jerks off, buddy. I'll get jerked off to solve the problem. Immediately you see her robot go limp. Yeah, Dale's body goes slip to. And then Dale rips off the VR headsets of both of these. Like, guys, hey, wake up. Like, we can just go now.

Oh, yeah. We don't need the bodies anymore. The things are there. Like, things gone. Like, we can just be ourselves. Can I tell you? I didn't feel anything. But all that action.

If you come in the game, you don't come in real life. You would be really good at those trying not to come games. You'd be fucking e-sports level. I got to tell you, I don't know what it was gripping onto down there, but I didn't feel anything. I think if we walk to your grand son, we could probably avoid the room that your robot's in. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's not like the robot looks like.

I'm there right thing. I guess it's not every day you can see a robot jerking off another meat. We can go check that out all the way. You guys want to just get our human eyes. Let's our wet human eyes laying on these two robots. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Do you think BB's still going out of now that you're just gone? Wait, no, no, that you raise a good point.

You've established that it stops when you go limp. What is the evil robot monster do now that the body's gone lip? Isn't the evil robot gone? No, the evil robot is jerking off Ashley, but Ashley's now gone limp and we've established that these robots when the object, they're targeted. Keep back in. Keep back in. Everyone has to get jerked off to keep the robots.

Listen, listen, somebody's got to do it. And I want, you know, that I've had a great time here. But if I die getting jerked off, I'll do that to be a hero. I just feel like there's only one person who doesn't need to keep searching for their grandkid. So somebody is going to be desperate to get jerked off. He's going to make the sacrifice. Herb your soul has so brave. He has so much to live for, you know.

I know. You know, I've had a lot of life, and I had a lot of time to think about this. And I think it's got to be me, man. I'm back in. And I'm like, guys, it is pretty great. The second you went back in, for a second, you felt your neck constricting as the monster was trying to, like, strangle you, and then immediately stopped what it's doing it. Well, I'm chicken.

All right, Herb, you asked first. It's fair. Now you seem like you wanted to do it. I want to be helpful. Folks. I'm trying to sacrifice myself here. Folks. This is going to be like on a road trip when you need to change the driver's seat and the passenger seat.

You don't want to stop for gas. You understand. I get that. I get that. You're going to be you. Yes. And very shortly, you will be tussled about like a boat on an ocean. Yes.

On the most stormy seas. Robot jerk off fire drill. Yes. Are you ready? I'm ready. Now here's what you're going to do. Yeah. Just hold on a second.

It's getting interesting. It's getting interesting. It's learning. It's learning. It's learning. It's a neural net. It's a learning computer. It's adapting. It is adapting.

It is adapting. All right, fellas, quick point. If it adapts too well for me, will you get pleasure out of it? What am I going to do? Specialized, yeah. Herb, tell me. I'm going to take off this helmet in five to ten minutes. And you're going to put it up.

But quickly, quickly. Yes. You're going to yank it off and yank it back on. Kind of like what's happening right now. Are you ready, Herb? I'm ready. Okay, well, wait for my signal. Does everybody just stand there silently for five minutes?

It's like if they're at the tea, you know, you don't talk with your friends taking a swing. So you just, it's golf rules. You know, fellas, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm getting a little motion sick. All right, go, go, go, go. I'm in. I'm in. All right. Now, Herb is getting jerked off.

It is using a very specific Ashley Burrsch-style jerk off. maneuver. So you're going to give me a body save. Save your body. It gets getting fucking eviscerated by these two robot hands, dude. China's unitary jerk-off robots are going to fucking take over the

world by storm, dude. You can order four of them on Ali Express right now. Timo will spray ship that straight to your door. Hand to nuts within 48 hours, guarantee. That's the fucking that's the belt and road, Paul.

see the chat is going under your poor ass is on jerk mate I have a jerk mate here I go the hand job is bad this was I got a 17 greatest hand job of your life it turns out you and Ashley Birch are

into exactly the same stuff curse of the right huh you've never found yourself closer to another human being even your wife what do you guys want to do now you want to go inside and explore the ship as yourselves yes

Can Herb come with us or is there? No. No, I'm good. Okay. I stay here. Okay. Herb, hang on. You're a real trooper.

Hang on. Okay. Herb, it's important. I need the time to speak to my grandson. So try not to come. I'm going to try. I bet you can't. I bet you won't last.

No, I can last. Oh. Fucking stupid. show. This is the worst fucking podcast in the world. It sucks. So where are you going

with the map of the ship that you know? I want to see what's happening in that room. So I feel like straight to the room. I just want to take a quick glance. It's exactly what it looks like.

It's what you saw last time. A female. The ray. Drop of golden sun. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on her. Within the things in this room,

the stuff that you have not examined are some other things on the computer and the file cabinet. The idea that this whole series, is now taking place with just like servo motors and like metal slamming against each other. Esther, can you give us some light ambiance of the robot jerking off a guy?

No, two robots. I want to hear the clank of metal on metal occasionally broken up by flesh. Me, a name, I call myself, oh God, I think I'm going to go. Wait, wait, wait, no, no. If he comes, it's over. I want to try to fucking help him last

by reading him something boring. Like, what, teen sex or something? Yeah, sure. Wait, just so I understand who comes. Like, who are we stopping? Do androids come electric? Did that android, if the meat bag came, like, it already came. So is it coming?

Like, or is it, is her, wait, that's the question. My thinking is the come? Ashley, did you come? No. I'm not going to either. I'm going to be strong. Okay. So it's just, you just got to keep.

I will set in the lore that the idea is that the body would ejaculate, but the dopamine hit would come through the headset. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. All the benefits of coming, none of the mess up. I love that. Now, if he does come, does that mean the robots will stop jerking him off? That's a great question.

That we are going to cross that bridge when we jerk it off. I'm going to give you an action to do something. Cross that bridge when we come to it was right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to do one action, and then I'm going to roll to see if you finish. And if you do, then some stuff might happen. Now, if I help Ralph think about baseball, so to speak. That will give advantage on Herb's body saves.

Okay. Herb, as a storyteller, I'm going to tell you a very unsexy story to help you last through this, okay? Tell me, man. Tell me. All right, Esther, this is what you're going to layer on top of the jerking off noises. So once upon a time, there was a brick. And it was a... It was a...

It was in the building, and the building was very old and dusty. Your naked grandma was there. Okay. And she and the brick, she used the brick to do taxes. Is it a big building? No, no, it's a really small building. It's a really small drab building. And then we're going to move to the people at the computer,

which is going to be, I presume, Ashley and Dave. Yeah, I guess I'll stay here. I guess I'll stay here with you. As well, what do you want to do in this room? We have to print. We have to print the admin black badge. You got to print the badge. Also, there's a filing cabinet that we want to look at.

It's just I like getting jerked off and I like stories. Both those things are happening in the other room. It's fine. I guess you could. No, I'm here to help. That's merch. We have to still shit to say that. Or at least bookmarks.

And I like stories. No, I'm here to help. I'm here to help. I'm focusing. So a lot's happened in the last like 20 minutes I did not expect it to go this way. You know? Not the Sean McCoy, designer of mothership. All right, I'm here for you.

Where are we going? We need to reprint the admin badge again, the dark matter room where Tim is. Okay. Hold on, let me give it to you in AAA games. Why would that help him? Better reprint the admin badge so I can get access to Tim's room. You know what that helps? That makes sense.

That's really easy to understand. That's good. It's like I'm a new player. Now I get it. Okay, let's do it. So it says, Matt if Fabricator not found, please check connection, and you see that there's a little plug attached to a wire on the side of the console

that lights up, and it looks like it's a telescoping cord so you can pull it out if you want to. We got to connect that to the robot who's currently, well, otherwise occupied. Let's do that. All right. Easy, easy, easy. So you connect it to the robot. It's a little timing. Yeah, there's a little bit of a timing minigame.

And after you press the button to print a new card, it comes out soaking in piss. but otherwise seemingly totally functional as a card. Herb, you good? And so we beat on boats against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past. I've got a question about the ending. Well, then there's the green light. I know, I know, the green light in the eyes of T.J. Ecclberg or whatever, but I got a question about the end. What about it?

You go ahead. You're not, but you're not close to orgasm, right? No, I'm not. Okay, great. I'm not. Okay. Not close to your end. Why did all the women have to come out in a line and act like they were really cool when the more feminist thing to do seems like would have been to, you know, give them bigger parts in all the other movies?

You raise a good point. One now on to Moby Dick. Call me Ishmael. Okay. Call me. You got the card. You still haven't checked the email inbox or. Oh, yeah.

Let's do a little snooping around while right here. Let's read all the things that are probably relevant. So if anybody would like to roll with your normal D&D Dark Matter characters. Oh, there were normal people now. Anything about, like, nature or machinery or anything like that? Well, I look around it. I have good intelligence. I feel.

10 plus 4, 14. With a 14, you notice that the file cabinet also had MP written on it, seemingly a label of some sort. and without even needing to look in the cabinet, you realize... My penis. My penis. The actual thing that you can realize, if you so wish, is that the meat puppets... The only reason you thought they were androids is because Tim told you they were. Oh.

They are unwired to anything else in the entire system, and every method of interacting you've had with them has been physical in some way. There was fluid going into these things when you first took care of them. You were piercing your brain to send your brainwaves into them. You can tell these are not robots. These are dudes. Embox. There's a red thing that says that there's an unread email. Well, I can fix that.

Email from G. Stonebridge. And it was sent to us by Agin.com. Thank you so much. I got an idea. I got an idea. Ralph. Ralph. Yes.

I got something new for you to read. It's really boring stuff. They'll help. And we all listen and they're all a part of it. Okay, perfect. All right, everybody, listen up. I'm listening. Don't come.

I'm not. Focus. I'm focused. inbox email from G stone bridge IT subject steward update still trying to track down the source of the delay I assume it's something to do with the installation of the gravity drive as that's when the delay started and now I've tested it a bunch and the steward will activate if you're using any digital communication system transmissions computer network anything connected wirelessly for more than roughly two and a half seconds this has caused delays at the mad fab during lunch and

and I imagine the terminal you're reading this on has been slower lately too. Now, I can't prioritize finding out how to fix this, but it's kind of taking time away from some stuff I want to do with the black box. It's still isolated and air-capped from stewards, so the delay shouldn't affect it. Now, since it's only a three-second delay at the beginning of any new session, and the steward redirects itself and assists eventually, and the fact that everybody's got their shit sufficiently together

that we don't really need a co-pilot AI to tell us how to order a salad. But I would suggest deprioritizing this until after Nightcrawler 1.0. Oh. Sounds like this robot was acting up. Um, outbox to G. Stonebridge. I disagree. Human error is still responsible for nearly three quarters of our inefficiencies, which is exactly what Stewart was designed to assist with.

A two-second delay is eons during an emergency situation in which Stewart needs to take control, especially given that its current state may be a direct result of the graph. Drive being installed. Please prioritize fixing this bug over Blackbox upgrades as the Black Box is currently air-gapped and working as is. Herb, you're doing okay? Yeah. Not too good, though, right?

I'm not. No, Rick's no, Morty's. Hey, listen. Okay, inbox this is from D. Martin's security. Subject. I am going to kill someone. Somebody hacked the waste reclamation and matter fabrication systems. Apparently, they thought it would be funny.

have our number one skip the filtration process and go straight to the mat fab. How they subverted, Stewart, to do this? I have no idea. Long story short, today I ordered a lemonade from the matfab and got a glass full of piss. I don't know who's responsible for this. I have my assumptions, but no hard evidence yet. And I will now be guarding the matter replicator at all times. I told Stonebridge to alert Stewart to the vulnerability, which he complained about as he is already working on fixing a delay in steward's response time. So I threw the remains of my lemonade onto his shirt, and he changed his mind. To D. Martin, security, R.E., I'm going to kill someone. I love you. I'm so sorry this happened.

You have permission to shoot whomever is responsible. I mean, this is dumb. I know the answer is no, but it couldn't be one of the meat puppets, could it? I know they're explicitly not wired to anything. That's the whole point of them, but... Sounds like a toxic workplace environment. Oh, last email here. Two team, RE, pre-launch thoughts. Oh, I've got some pre-launch for it. Pre-launch cancel.

Get you right now. Yeah. NC.9 is nearly upon us. I find it difficult to express my appreciation for all your work without coming off robotic or disingenuously flattering. Instead, I will just point out the objective facts. One, we have been consistently recognized

is the single most effective R&D team within the bureau. Ask the wall of my office if you disagree. 2. This time a year ago, IBS Intel was certain that the luminous would beat us to building a functional crowbar. 3. If Nightcrawler works, we will be at the spark by next week. Best estimates for luminous's crowbar completion is at least three years. 4. Nightcrawler is several orders of magnitude cheaper, more efficient, and more elegant in terms of sheer moving parts than any version of the crowbar thus pitched or prototype. In nine days, we will engage in our first,

and if all goes well, second to last, test of the gravity drive. For the umpteenth time, be in a suit at the muster station at least 20 minutes before drive activation. Remain there until senior staff give you the all clear. If you do not receive one within an hour of ship translation, board the pods. You've heard this story a thousand times, but I will say it again. My grandfather fell at the finish line.

He had to live the rest of his life in second place. But not us. We will be the first to breach the spark barrier. How do I know? Simple. Because we must be number one. There is no other option. Timberley held on to you for a long time.

Yeah, clearly, this was a... It says more about him than it does, you, you bud. I think so, too. We should go. I think I have a way to get Herb out of here. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what do you got? We just, anybody know how to, you know,

we've all fixed a few things, just a little wiring. I think if we can quickly get the VR helmet onto BB. He would be in a cycle of self-jurking off while the big robots still jerking him off. And there's just three robots jerking each other off. You guys are on the exterior of the ship within that air bubble, remember? Yeah, yeah. I'm saying like we'd have to get like. And the VR headsets are connected by a court.

Oh, here's what we can do. Yeah, we just need a long cord, is what I'm saying. Oh, you want a really long extension. And they'll sprint. The moment we get the court set up, we just get ready to solder. It's all ready to go. And we just got to run as fast as we can because it took a little bit of time when you went there. So, like, we just got to get that VR.

Given that we've cursed this robot with sentience, I think it's the least we could do to give it the gift of eternal self-pleasure. Yes, exactly. Let me know if this seems like a reasonable course of action for you. You saw a diagram of the ship. And beyond the gravity drive, there was something that said generator and equipment room. So you are heading to the equipment room, which takes you through the gravity drive room. As you walk into the gravity drive room and you see a transparent aluminum tube with a cube floating in it, You can tell that it's transparent aluminum because it says so,

like it's a trademarked thing. There used to be a cube in it, at least. The faces of what... I think there used to be a cube in this tube. It's a typical cube tube. There's something wrong with this cube tube. Where's the cube? I'll take that tube, hold the cube.

It looks like the faces of the cube have caved inward, and the tube itself is cracked. There's a terminal... Something's wrong with the cube tub all right. There's a terminal near the cube that seems to be blinking an error message and spitting out basically its last thoughts on a loop. Compacting. Gravity Drive, core integrity.

compromised. Physical space compaction in progress. Partially complete 65%. Digital space compaction in progress. Complete. Unknown error. Contacting Stewart for diagnostic. What would you like to eat today? You have five mat-fap credits remaining. Queen to rook one, Bishop Knight 6, all underscore girl underscore coeds. vid. And that's where the printout ends. All girls coeds. That must be where it learns how to jerk off. Wait a minute, but all girls. Wait a minute. This goes deeper than we thought.

Anybody feel free to roll technology for me. I have a technology role. Technology. Ooh, I got 15. Oh. As the T-master, that's what I'm pretty good at. So my technology is pretty strong. The T-master can tell that the takeaway from all of this is that all of the disparate systems

within the network seem to be collapsing inward on one another. Just as the gravity drive seems to be collapsing space into itself, it's also collapsing the energy of this network. So everything is getting overwritten and overruled in ways that don't seem to make a ton of sense. Porn and chess. That's why this thing went haywire. It got all kinds of conflicting commands. So as you guys head to the black box room, is there anything else you would want to do before you go see Tim?

You do find a very, very long extension cord in the equipment room that you can, you know, take all the way back to the outside hull and plug it into the headset and basically set the oroboros of jerking it into. emotion. So, like, Herb in the machine is like the GameCube, and the GameCube has an HTMLI cable connected to a TV. Now we're rolling a big TV really far into the rest of the ship, and we got a long HTMLic cable. And the plans is to switch at the point of the GameCube, the HTMLI cable. You see all what I'm saying? Yeah. Yes. So, yeah, do we need to, I assume we have to roll for this, right? Is there like a... There's no monster coming for us. There's no monster in the world. I feel like the worst case scenario. This is also BB, not the

monster. So, like, if you fail, it's not going to try to kill you. So I feel. So I feel like that just works. You managed to like a stupid-ass version of Indiana Jones swapping out the idol for a bag of sand. Which he failed that. Which he did fail at. It's only fair of a herb. Hey, Herb, we're about to switch it out. It's going to be BB. I mean, you know, we've been forcing you not to come. It's kind of up to you. You got like 20 more

seconds of whatever you want to do. And then we're going to switch it out. It's, I'm good. It's fine. It's, I don't want to talk about this. Okay. Three, two, one. Ah. Let's switch it out. or boris of jerking off is now in effect. You are not going to be bothered by those robots any longer. You go look at it.

Yes, you certainly can. You can't. The robot being like, oh, dear. Yeah, yeah. I may need to hear the robot. Oh, goodness. We all pop our heads around the corner. Oh.

Oh, two fingers is it. Oh, I see. We pop our head around the corner. You see, like, you know, the heads go boop, pooh, pooh. And we look at the little heads. It seems to be working. Boop, bo, pooh, pooh. Or it's the three stoogeses just hello.

Hello. Called Gito, ergo, come. Presumably you're going to head to the black box room and open it up. Yes, I'm going to head to black box room as we approach. Like, damn, we took care of the steward. They're taking care of each other. The problem solved itself. It's still solving itself.

It continues to solve itself. That's never going to get an answer. Ignore the rhythmic sounds you may be hearing. Great. Just get the black box out of here. And the door opens. So you enter the black box. and unfortunately the smell of piss is still around because you see several buckets that have been used seemingly as makeshift toilets spread around the room.

But that's not necessarily what draws your eye first. Around the walls of the room, you see a lot of what looks to be much older technology than stuff you've seen before. There's some dust on it. You see reel to reels. You see nine segment calculator ass digits everywhere. You see a shitty older monitor with an image of Tim Birch's face on it. But the thing that really draws your eye when you first come in is the spacesuit, lying on the ground. Rather, there's a person in a space suit

displayed in the middle of the ground. They have a blaster pistol in one hand, and on the side of their head is a large, seemingly old burn mark that you now at this point recognize as a blaster burn from a direct impact. And unfortunately, you recognize that that person in the spacesuit is Tim Birch. What? What? Thank you for listening. New on the Patreon, the first episode of Season 2 of Kingdom Dad Monster coming out Wednesday.

Is it Beast knuckle? Would anybody else like to speak for a chance to be the first? What? First what? I'm the first. You said I was the first. The first of five. I, Beast knuckle, first of the five.

Wait, wait, first of five is still on the table. Yeah, I'll go for first of five. Give me a chance. Matt, what's happening? What is going on? Mechanically. If you want Benz, if you want Benz, I'm just saying Benz the leader, you say, Ben's the leader, man. I want the vote.

I want the vote. What are the vote? I decide that I'm going to. I decide that I'm going to. I'm going to be the first at five. Kingdom Dad Monster, a little Patreon exclusive that we do. It's a surprising hit. Very weird show, in my opinion.

But we all have a great time playing it. We play indie board game Kingdom Death Monster, which Matt owns from his patronage of board game kickstaters. He shows off his mini painting. He's our DM and our characters. Oh, we're dying all the time, all the time, constantly. Season 2, Kingdom Dad Monster, starting this Wednesday. on the Dungeons and Dads Patreon.

You can find that at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Let me check my calendar. Ah, still Pride Month, which means our Pride dies in 2026 Pride Zine chock full of fan art are still available on the store, which is on our website. Net proceeds are getting donated to Lambda Legal. You might know them as the Civil Rights Org behind landmark Case Lawrence v. Texas. Thanks this week to Agin.combeianis, who supplied a name we used in the episode. And shout out to our Patreon supporters at the elite level.

people like Alex Lee, Sean Hurley, FF Tank, and our other Patreon supporters too. Karen Chee Streets Ahead, Sean Arnold, Cheyenne Timbers, Kyle Anderson, Tegan, Stephen Palarin, Jade, Miroslava Dernage, Alex NineJ, Chris Clark, Dan Bodooyne, Sycheye, The Last Sage, Ancaryos, Tyler King, Control Alt Sleep, Fly One, Bill Bill, and Milkshay. Dungeons and Dags is Matt Arnold as Dale Elliott, Anthony Birch is our DM, Will Campos, as Ralph Estereus, Beth May is Herb, Worm, Quigley, and myself, Freddie Wong is Ashley Burch. Our theme song is Conventional Wisdom by Max and Waller. Anisa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Blood is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor and Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. Support us directly on Patreon. Get ad-free episodes and tons of bonus content at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Merch and more at Dungeons and Daddies.com. Next episode coming at you June 30th. We'll see you.

Beth, why did you draw? very cocks all over your character sheet. What are you doing over there? That's crazy. I don't know what you're talking about.