Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 15 - Alien vs Spredditor

Episode Date: August 25, 2026

“What’s a subtle sign you’re a bad grandfather?EDIT: Downvotes? Really?”This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddy's a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Here we go. Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Citizen Birch live on Twitch. I'm your regular host, Ashley Birch. And if you've never seen Citizen Birch live before, well, that doesn't matter because we're doing something real different today.

We are going back to our roots, back to the Halcyon days of 2017, 2018, and 18. at a little show I used to do called Happy Hour Tabletop, where we invite players into my little pod, and we play some tabletop games. We are bringing that back and doing that today in celebration of the launch of the Galaxy Gals Kickstarter campaign, which is live as of last week, and let's take a look here, where are we at?

We're at 2% funded. Hey, no problem, so let's wrap up our one shot in the Galaxy Gals system, with three lovely gals, see that at the table next to me. Say hi, everyone. No? Okay, G-Cup, you are up in the initiative. That's your turn. Are you talking to me or her?

You. Go ahead and make a roll with the D20 there and see if you can make the AI join your worthy cause by letting it kill a guy. One. Hold on, let me just make sure you're reading that. Okay, one. At this point, we're at time, guys.

All right, fair enough. We lost. Wow. That's your show. Wrap it up. Thanks for watching, guys. What did you think of Galaxy Gals? I'm good time.

I enjoyed it. The mechanics, the immersion. It was good. Um, yeah. Ladies, would you say goodbye or you say goodbye? Uh, no. Okay. And, you know, this is what we're looking at ships.

So get on the Galaxy Gals Kickstarter if you're not already. Help us out. Bang on the pipes. Keep sending those pledges in. Those pledges are essential. You can see it. I'm super proud of the Galaxy Gals source book here. And, you know, it's help us get this out.

Hel does get us out so that you can have the same experience that we had today. Thanks. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy. Something different. Alex Energy. Jock jam's ass. We're like, Grandpa's and Galaxies. Wow.

You all ready for this. A grand space popra, about four gills who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids. Boy, boy, that's not going so well, huh? You got to keep up the energy of the... Yeah, yeah, keep it up. Our grandkids are counting on us to slam some jams. Yeah, one failure is just one step towards three successes. You don't rescue 100% of the grandkids you try not to save.

Yeah, and the most we can rescue now is 75%. Welcome to D&D in the Dark Matter system. It's a sci-fi tinged rom. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Ashley Birch. Ashley with an E. Birch like the tree. Ashley Burch was born in 1964, which makes him the youngest boomer alive.

Like in children and men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a twin galaxy-era gadget here. Baby Ashley. Baby Diego. Arcade Pro Gamer turned Twitch streamer. And this week's grandpap fact, pap smear, if you will. No.

That's pretty good. That's pretty bad. That's pretty good. Step in the stirrups because it's time for a grand pap smear. Ashley believes, thanks to Robert's Space Industries, creators of Star Citizen, a little thing called imprint technology. You see, an imprint is a holistic bioscan of an individual that not only records the DNA, memories, personality, thoughts. All that gets encoded in there. Also, for some lower reason, only one copy of an imprint can exist at the same time, I guess, so that you can't.

I thought an imprint was when you're a werewolf and you love a baby. No. An imprint allows you to regenerate. So you're saying he still thinks that Tim is alive. Well, Tim would be smart enough to back himself up somewhere. I see. So you think somewhere there's a $10,000 JPEG of his son. All he's say, Ash's point of view, it's like, whoa, look all this sci-fi shit.

Okay. There's no way they got this far without doing imprints and regeneration and shit. Then why was you so upset? I guess we'll find out. Is he think the only one in print could exist in any given time? Oh, well, that's just lore reasons, dude. Okay. You know?

He doesn't believe in lore. No. Neither do we hear it. Just the Daddy's HQ. Hey, everybody. My name's Matthew Arnold. I play Dale Elliott, the World Cruise Loving ex-lifeguard, living his best monk life. Dale's a widower of one, father of four, grandfather seven, a friend to all.

Tell me more. Tell me more. So Dale's favorite smell is a tie between the smell of Zelda's hair when he wakes up in the morning. And his own farts. Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man. You asked him to stay in Jop Jams, but he made me a lot because I always did. I was going back and forth whether or not his own farts was going to be least famous smell. Hide off your own supply, baby. Perfect tiki bar. The smell of a perfect tiki bar is the correct answer to everybody. A perfect Tee.

Yeah, it's the perfect Tiber. It's the perfect combination. It's just the cigarette smoke. It's a sun tan lotion. A little sweat. People coming in from off the beach. It's just this environment. It's why he loves the most.

It's cash because it's cash only. That's how you know it's good. His least favorite smell is the smell of bullshit because Dale likes to keep it honest. That's it. Shut the fuck up. Hi, I'm Will Campos. I play Ralph at Stereus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died slash radiation P-H-R-E-A-K.

Oh, wow. He's fucking with the phone. That's right. That's what that is. Ralph's fact this week is that Ralph has one tattoo and it's a small tattoo on his arm that says bureau because he's very bad at spelling the word bureau and always screws up and it was sort of a running joke between him and his wife and she was like if you misspelled that one more time you got to get a tattooed and okay that's like a sick hipster cool tattoo yeah like that's like a tattoo like

he also got a mustache finger tattoo honestly i'm gonna wait until i'm like 57 and then i'm gonna get a mustache finger tattoo. There you go. Good for you. My name is Beth May, and I play Herb the warm Quigley, a young at heart barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Fun fact about Herb. Herb's grandson Oliver told her that there was this scam going around where scammers will call you pretending to be your grandchild in order to get money off of you. And so Oliver warned, Herb about this just to give him a heads up so that he wouldn't fall victim to this scam. Well, Herb happily fell for it and lost $15,000 just to prove to Oliver that he would do anything for him.

Oh, that's sweet. That's nice. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your granddaddy master. Today's epigramph is the abundance of gone things. It'll bury you. That is from Alden Bell. The Reapers are the angels.

I have some constructive criticism. Anthony, I was wondering if you could. do some epigrams that like Will is not the only one that can get them. And you want them to be guessable. I want them to be guessable for me. I just feel like also the emphagraphs. Epigraphs are kind of like, you know, the kind of cultural norm of top 100 literary books. I just noticed a certain gender and race of all these sort of.

I'm just saying it would be nice if there's just a little bit of just a few. Just a couple. I'm just saying that I think other people have had good ideas too. I think there are, I think there are, I think that's good ideas come from all around the world. It'd be nice to hear a couple of us. It's, uh... Yeah, listen to Matt. What's really funny is I had a quote here by a woman, but I was like, that one's too long.

And I didn't know. When we last left you, the sculptor had taken your ship, the Lux, along with Al the AI. Wait, where are we? We're still at Disney. You are at the parking lot of six moons. Fuck! Having just watched your ship. disappear at not night crawler speed,

but certainly something pretty intense. He did take the evidence. He took the... Of a crime also, so that's nice. Well, he was turned into the guy. Dead IP was part of the luminous. Here's my idea. What?

When we rented that ship, we got the deluxe package. Did we not? Yeah, we did. Yeah. Look at the... Thanks her for that, by the way. Herb, do you have the big terms and conditions sheet?

Probably on the ship, dude. It's on the dash. Oh, it's in the dash. But I remember reading apart. We got full coverage for, like, theft, accident liability. Okay. Okay. We just got to call it in. Okay.

Okay. We don't care about the shit. Yeah. I mean... The whole universe is going to blow up or whatever. Ralph, he just lost Tim, man. No, I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. No, you're right.

That imprint of Tim, knowing Tim, he's... You're right. You already lost Tim. And he probably has imprints scattered throughout. We just got to keep our eyes open. It is like he imprinted himself on all of our hearts, so he's not really gone. Let's call the cops.

The space cops? Space cops. Excuse me, sir. I go up to the parking intended. That could be a sculpt. That's true. Guy. We'll approach with caution.

Excuse me, sir. Yeah. Are you a sculptor? Are you the luminous? What? Like the terrorists? No, I'm not a terrorist. Does my finger get all gooey in him when I poke him?

Ow. Stop. Okay. Our ship was just stolen. Yeah. Okay. Can we inform the authorities? The space police.

Okay. Yeah, I can. I mean, it's not going to, I don't know how it works on your planet, but when your car gets stolen, they don't like rush out to go find it. You don't have any security on this planet? What happens if there's a crime? What if someone is? There's a bunch of people in the parking lot.

Well, A, they get put in the death gauntlet that you guys who put the people in the death gauntlet. They are in the ground. Do you want me to summon them? Yes. Okay. He hits a red button on his console. And what you thought was a seamless asphalt road actually folds outward.

And kind of like the droid troopers from Phantom Menace, like racks of these robotic sentinels basically come out and one of them unfolds and stands are front of you goes, what's the problem? Our ship has been stolen, we'd like to report it's stolen, and also we want to turn on the tracker. Do you have the license flight of the car or the making model? You have a tracker

in your vehicle and you call somebody I want to turn on the tracker. I have a morbid suggestion. It's like the anti-car theft stuff. They have those. When you were at the car, there's usually a Disney police. Put me in truck.

Disney police do not have a license to kill. What's the suggestion for Ralph? In fucking tomorrow land they do. First of all, okay, gentlemen, big red robots. Can you help us get our ship back? We can log the theft and the direction of the ship that jettisoned away as well as gave you surveillance footage of whoever went inside and potentially stole it. Okay, that's better than nothing.

Yeah. Now, two things strike me. How are you guys made? What? What are you? This is irrelevant. No, no, no. Listen.

At this point, anybody who we know 100% is not luminous is good to know. I'm just saying, like, as time goes on, I'm mostly concerned about anybody we can talk to is luminous. Which means that we're just sitting here talking to the bad guy who just took our grandkids. We need a test. So, like, robots are luminous, right? Because they're robots. Yeah. Like, if these are, like, summoned from the earth or they're definitely not, then it's like, I don't know.

We could grow in our, maybe it's too much of growing arm. But let's just think it ahead, big picture because, like, the picture got pretty big. How would you rate the help that you've received in terms of your stolen DEC? Zero. I'm not a harsh for a new account. I like all the footage and evidence that you have. Do you have your deck? You know, your tech thing? Your tech deck? My tech.

It puts a fist forward and whips out the fucking Robocop data spike. Sorry, bend over. This interfaces with your prostate. The powerhouse of the human body. My prostate's so smart. He jams the data spike into your deck and you get basically a bunch of information that you frankly already knew. You see the footage of yourselves carrying what looks to be a dead body into your ship. And then you see all of you running off.

I don't know what that was, man. You skip ahead here. That's not important. Yeah. What you did did not have any effect on the bottom line of six moons. So you don't have to explain yourself to me. Oh. The ship takes off and goes away.

Why don't you roll a perception for me? Yeah, dude. Perceive this dog. Seven. Yeah, 13. I also got 13. How about what Dale? Make a perception roll.

To see if Dale has rolled perceptive. All right. So the two of you who did see it, there looks to be an icon, like a blinking icon on Ashley's deck that would seem to imply. like new message or update or call or something. You got a notification, man. How do I clear notification? Hey, Siri. What's on there?

Turn off all notification. No, you got to read the message. That's probably what I know. Everyone has a tough time getting hold of you, Freddie. I mean, Ashley. Oh, how do I do? Okay. I finger the screen until something happens.

If you're just fingering it randomly, give me a D20 roll. God, damn. Really? Yeah, one. All right, you close it and you don't even see what it was. God damn it. Now he got to find another way to get us this information. Ralph, what was your morbid idea, man?

Well, my, this is a little, but if he still has an ability, maybe there's some part of the scrapped wreckage of his robot grandson on the ship somewhere and we could track it. Oh. And at least we know where the ship was going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my AI companion. If we knew where the ship is going, what would we do?

That's part one. That's a really good question, man. Part one is that. Part two is we're stuck in a parking lot. Without a car. But sometimes I want to know where part two is before you start part one. No, I get it, man. My thoughts are all over the place.

How are we going to get out of here? How are we ever going to get our grandkids back? How are we ever going to find an enemy who could be anyone and anywhere? I just don't get it. I don't get why this is happening. You're right. This is a fucking disaster. I'm freaking out.

Oh, my God. Our grandkids are out there and there's no way to find them. Herb's kid is probably dead already. Can we just take a moment? Can I just share where I'm coming from right now? Please, please. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

So I think we've talked about my life's been pretty good. Okay. It's been really good. I actually, nothing bad happened in my life. What is your point? Well, that happened because that was just being me. And then since we started doing this, I've been trying to do things. And it's all gone bad.

So I'm wondering if it's my fault. This is crazy. I'm just, I'm only taking it from my experience. What if we just, you know. What if we what? You know. What is we what? Just fucking chill.

Because like when I chilled, everything went good. And now when I try, everything's going bad. So why don't we just, yes. Dale, look in my eyes. I'm looking in your eyes. You're absolutely fucking right. Everything's going horribly right now. And it's at least partially your fault.

So I think Herb's right. We're all screwed. You're right. It's your fault. And I'm just freaking out here. I think we're cursed. I think there's a lot of rides we haven't tried. Oh my God.

Is Freddie real perception with disadvantage? Five. Why is it with disadvantage? Why? Because you got a one last time. You still missed it. Why I was getting shot at? Oh, my God.

Yeah, what was that about? I don't know. I figured she was home clear. And now it looks like she's in the back of the mass without everybody else. It would take her 10 years. I don't understand how this time works. No. Anything could happen at any time because they got, we built the Legos and we gave the finished product right to the bad guy.

To be fair, we did come across the finished product very easily because we have very smart. Easily, we killed them. We took a robot on a trip to kill somebody. Also, it occurs to you in this particular moment that scrap and wreckage, assuming you were in the car that took off, are also missing. Oh, no. Scrap and wreckage. Boy, I need a second. And Ralph stares at his tattoo and says, B-U-R-E-A-U.

Bureau. Bureau. Okay, I'm calming down. This is my calming thing. Okay. Bureau. Now we can chill. Damn, I need a tattoo like that. We can chill. You just, you need to give yourself a hard problem to focus on, like, how to spell bureau. I also have a tattoo of the word mayonnaise, but I'm pretty sure I screwed it up. I have an idea. You have an idea.

I mean, I don't, but that's the vibe I'm going for now. It's just going for whatever the idea is. Okay. Because there's just, it's been, is there so, like, you have you told me there was a theme park with six, planets. Hey, excuse me, sir. Yeah. You have a time machine? No. Okay. That's all I got. You also just grabbed the nearest person. It wasn't any of the people you were talking to before.

There was another guy going to his car. He was grabbing by the arm. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Figure there was a chance. What car is he going towards? It looks like he's going towards sort of the acura of spaceships. It's like oppressive enough, not going to turn any heads. You know, kind of the thing that Ryan Gosling would drive at the beginning of drive.

Nobody's going to be looking at you. Should we be looking at you? Should we be? that guy up and take us. Surrounding you are all different types of cars. And if you wish, you can spend a little bit of time searching the car lot for any particular type of part that you wish. Can we just, can we all circle up here and clarify our goal?

That's what I was thinking. We need to talk to IBM. Yeah, because they're already in the war. Bureau. Yes. The Bureau of Science. See? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. See, you just chill and you figure it out. Okay. What are the only people are the easiest way on me? Well, they're already in the war. Yes.

So they know more presumably about the luminous than we do. Definitely more than this guy. I was just going to my car. And all he did was asking him ahead of time machine. I said, no. They have resources. And until recently, they had our grandkids. At least a couple of them was working for them.

Weren't their recruitment offices? You next brother. You! Yeah, he's opening the door to his space car. He goes, yeah, what? Oh. You still could be bad at me? Is there a recruitment office here for IBS?

Yeah. Which planet? It's probably on the food planet, the ball shopping planet. Okay. The moon, rather. The mall shopping mood. Because I was thinking we need help. We need to ask somebody who would know the most about, I mean, whatever this is.

And the only other person that knows besides the luminous is IBS. So here's just a, I love this. It feels like it makes sense. I just want to, I want to zoom out for a second. It strikes me that they have our ship on the ship. Is our friend Al, who has installed the graphic drive. Now, they, in theory, have everything they need to get to the spark, except that we know Al doesn't like doing anything. He's a big pain in the butt, right?

So that's at least the problem they have is that they're going to have to figure out how to get Al to cooperate. Otherwise, they're going to just turn into little tiny gluinos or neutrinos or what have you, like T1M and his friends did. And Al didn't like killing that guy. So he's on our side. And they need Al to pilot the ship. Yes. So we've got however much time that takes. So, yes, what we need to do is find a way to move around fast as fast as they can.

But you're right. Let's go talk to the ISB. We've got leverage because we know this, right? Yes. So IBS doesn't know that their big enemy just got the bingo to solve this thing and maybe win the war. So you're saying we should keep that under our hats? Nah, I think we should tell them. Okay.

All right. I think we should tell them we're a big problem, big trouble. I don't think we keep anything under our hats. I think we embrace the vibes here. everybody get on their hats and I give you back here. Our hats? Well, I bought you guys novelty. Yeah.

The six new hats. It's like a Mickey happened at six years. This is the best idea and the best thinking we've had is because we relaxed. So now let's go talk to IBS. I'm going to try to keep relaxing. I'm going to think of some hard words to spell just in case we need them so that you guys can focus on spelling hard words. Okay. I'm going to try to try.

Give me one. I want to try. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Are you ready? Yeah. We're walking towards the tree.

Onomatopoeia. Fuck. Dude, this songs, bro. I can't think. No, no, Irb, it's okay. What do you do to relax? I don't know, man. I normally take something.

Relax. No, the words, let's spell it, relax. Yeah, you got it. E, L, A. And then just that last one, just, yeah, exhale on that one, relax. How are you feeling, Erb? Wow. Okay.

You know, I feel like, I feel like we should all be freaking out a lot more. You're right? Oh, my God, he's right. Get on the tramp. Get on the tram, everybody. Well, I head the food plant on the tram. Great. 45 minutes later, you are on the shopping and food planet.

We spend a lot of time in malls. You know, is that. Space is mostly malls. I never would have thought that. Space malls. It's a lot like the middle of the country. You kind of like, the bigger the space, the more the mall. Yeah.

Yeah. Can you guys move your blocking the way off the tram? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry. Hey, hey, excuse me. Hey, are you part of the luminous? Why are you giving us attitude like that, huh?

Shut up. You just stand it. My kids are here. Please don't tell me to shut up. Hey, shut your kids up too. Whoa, hey, wow. I do you know. I'm playing.

They're like, oh, I love you, brother. Yeah, I have two beautiful boys, and they love each other very much. Yeah, that's awful. I'm a single dad. I'm trying my best to make this work. I'm here, man. You're standing in the doorway, stopping me from coming out. I lean into that guy.

Do you have to fight you? No, I lean is that guy. I lean into him. I go, hey, they're having a hard time. Just to walk off. It's okay. I want to walk off. You're blocking the door.

Hey, let me help you out. Hey, take my hat. You have a good rest of the day. Just go. Thank you. Danny, why did that man give you his hat? Because he fucking emasculated me in front of you and he's trying to make up for it. This is not good enough.

Isn't it okay for us to say the F word now because you said it? Yes. Can you guys go out of the way, please, now? You see signs heading towards the local IBS recruitment office? Quick vibe check. Let us remember what happened before we walk into IBS. Yes. Let's get our story straight.

What happened? Like, what is their relationship to us now? We should know what we're coming into and what we can offer. Last, we heard from the IBS. They were trying to use us as bait to lure out your granddaughter. Yes. And then she then rescued us. And I think their endeth the relationship.

I mean, we did, you know, at the last mall we were at, we had a big shootout. And a couple of them died after they tried to kill us. That's small potatoes. But that was like probably 20, 30 years ago now. That's true. and we got to go talk to these guys. That's enough time to build a statue of limitation. Yeah.

I think it's statue. Yeah. No, it's a statue of limitation. Yeah, like the Statue of Liberty. That ended it. Yeah. Okay. Well, be that as amazing.

Before we walk in, I was just thinking this, let's not give up all the information because that might be the only leverage we have is that we know their enemy has something, right? Yeah. Why do you take the lead, Dale, since you're the chillest. Yeah, it's not wrong. And you're right. Hey, whatever you want, bud, I walk in.

Cool. This is cool. A very spiky, almost porcupine-esque-looking woman. And you're a prickly little person. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up? Other than your obvious speciesism against people like me with the fuck. Oh, I'm sorry, man. It's the same thing to say to somebody.

Oh, excuse me. You're looking pretty white. Okay. Yeah, I should get some tan. Yeah, I know. I could. I'm not working out as much as I used to. See, that's how you're supposed to take it.

Yeah. Oh, it's a. It's a. It's a. It's a. chill like our friend Dale. No, no. Okay, let's stop.

I quit and she throws down her helmet and walks out. Oh, man, I'm sorry. All right, gets me on the computer. I close the door behind her. A second guy comes out from the back room. Oh, really? Two people at the office? Yeah, people are at the first office you want to remember.

What is this guy that look like? Does he have anything like I can comment on? Yeah. What are you doing here, man? This guy basically looks humanoid except for he's got like a bunch of, they almost look like jellyfish tentacles and Instead of a mouth, it's kind of just like, it's like he's got ramen in front of his face. And he bit into ramen, but didn't bite it all the way through.

And it's dangling out of his mouth. And when he talks, that vibrates. And his eyes are black. And he goes, where's Melanie? She went home. She wasn't feeling well. Oh, okay. Are you here for the recruitment?

Yeah. Well, no. No. We're not right. We're here because we have very valuable information about the luminous. We found out some crazy stuff. I think we could be a big help. And we also need some help.

and we think IBS are the people who are best here to help us. Is today's steak day? It's always steak day. He presses a button and the bright light that you saw before when you were scanned on the IBS space station goes off in front of you and you feel your whole body has been scared. Or you don't feel it, but you see it on a monitor that your bodies have been scanned. And you see words on the screen saying searching database and a progress bar that's slowly raising up. Oh, um. Cancel, cancel.

We don't consent. We don't consent. these scans, we don't. Yeah, we're going to opt out. I'd like to use, as they're doing that, I'd like to use Magehand to poke around on the computer. To hit escape 12 times. To fucking stealthily, like,

try to alt-tab the computer. If you could tell me what button you would press to stop this immediately. So I assume that there is like in an old-timey Western saloon, a big mirror behind him. Yes. That allows me to see in reverse what's on the thing. So I'm just going to go ahead and hit the escape button. That does not work, unfortunately.

There is one particular button that you can press that we have established earlier in the series that would end it. How big is the keyboard? It's the size of this one. We've established earlier? Yeah, it was on the keyboard in the IBS facility. It's the Windows key. The Windows key. I pressed the Windows key. No, there was a key that said nah, but that's fine.

I press all of them. Okay, so you just reach over and just fucking drag your hand back and forth across the thing. Like an old-timey piano player doing a glissando. Give me a dexterity roll for a speed. Slide of hand if you want. 14. 14? 14. Okay, so I'll have him

roll opposed. Wait, wait, let me see if I got That was a sneak attack, let me see if I got some monk shit. Yeah, he definitely wasn't expecting. Some monkey de luffy shit more like. Oh, yeah, because you could stretch. You should have stretched your hand under the desk and then you could have come up behind him and fucking did some doop doves, dude. Did he tap him on the shoulder on the other shoulder and he goes like, oh, he looks like.

So he rolled for shit. He rolled a three. Nice. So does that succeed. I go back and explain the cool, like, thing I did though. Okay. My hand did stretch over. And then my hand turned into like a big flat, like the size of the keyboard.

So I froze all the buttons at once. Right, right. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So much like what happens when a cat walks across your keyboard, A, you seem to have minimized or closed, whatever it was up. And you send a nude to somebody. And you're like, oh, my God.

Sorry, my cat, my cat did that. My cat took that picture. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed. My phone is amenable to my cat's thumbprint. He tries to press buttons to get them back up, but you seem to have moved the keyboard into like a different mode somehow so his keys don't do what they're supposed to be doing. You shifted the layer. Yeah, you shifted the layer.

He goes, well, geez, Louise, stop. Stop. And he tries to slap your hand away. And he tries to slap your hand away. and my hand just morphs around him. You know, she's like, dodging. Oh, my God, you're the luminous. What? No.

No, no, no, no. He's just stretching, my friend. I think that you are. He's going to step away from the keyboard, his eyes widening in fear, and his mouth tentacles quivering in fear as well. Grab his tentacles. He's going to look around

and you see that there is a red sort of fire alarm building gates of emergency thing. Listen to me real quick. It's like he's paused his arm, like a gun slinger before he draws. Like, you get a feeling he's going to go for it, but he doesn't know if he can get to it before you stop him. I prime my stretchy arm.

Gum, gum. I'm going to grapple him. Okay, so you're going to grapple him. So he's across, you know, a little desk. You're going to, like, leap over and just try to tackle him to the ground. Yeah. Go ahead and give me an acrobatics roll to leap over the desk. 11.

Okay, so you make it over the desk. Now give me a speed roll, a dexterity roll, to see if you can do it before he gets to the thing. Ten. Okay, I'll have him roll opposed. Two. Wow. Okay, so, yeah, you managed to grapple him. You have him in whatever hold you wish. And he goes, oh, no, no, don't, don't turn me into one of you.

Is that how it works? I don't know. No, no, no. I'm not the luminous, but this brings up a very, very, very interesting idea. IBS has been at the war with luminous for a long, long time, right? Yeah. And it seems if you are fighting an enemy that has a hive mind and could be technically anybody at once, then the luminous has almost surely already infiltrated the IBS. It starts crying. It goes, I work at the food corporation. basically, I'm not clear to make these decisions.

What do you want for me? What do you want? You know, that's a good question. Son, you've failed this security audit. Okay, why? We need to talk to your HRA. Roll, uh, deception. It says a number in you read.

Okay. So he goes, No. No, wait, wait, you're going to kill me. Are you going to get? I don't want it. No, we're not going to kill you. We're just, wait, look.

I don't know what? What happened here? We just need to speak to someone. You're speaking to me now. What do you want? Hey, hey, look away from. Oh, I just work here and then like, oh, you're speaking to me now. Are you important or aren't you?

I'm not. I told you we're working the fucking food cart. I take my two hands. I stretch them. So I make almost like a recording booth around him. So just me and him looking. I go, I go chill. I go, ignore.

This is worse. Ignore all the noise. Just take, hey, just take a breath. A prostrophobic. You're safe. You're safe. And I start slowly opening my hands a little bit so he's less claustrophobic.

I'm like, you're safe. Take a breath. Spell relax, man. Roll persuasion. But you can't spell a word. I'll spell the hardest word you can think of. 17 plus one. Okay.

We did not mean to ruin your day. Oh, I know. Clearly you're not the person you talk to. P-O-E-I-I-S. There you go. Onomatopoeia. Who could we talk to above you so that you can go about your day if we have some very important information for the IBS that is all I could connect

you to the tip line no no we want to talk somebody who would talk back and friendly people man the tip line is there anybody else here no this is just the no okay so I don't like that because back home where I'm from we got like FBI tip lines from missing kids and stuff like that there's psychics calling all the time just giving psychic information and the police are like oh thank you very much for the information. But when I call, because I really got a psychic image of where the kid is, they're like, oh, thank you very much. We'll take this into consideration.

And they never, they never tell me they found the kid or not. We got psychics in space. What was your name? My name is Razakhan. Razakhan. That name was sent to us by Alex and Lexi Monaghan. Thank you, Alex. We don't need a tip line.

Who would we call? That's your boss. That one, we could tell you're doing a fine job. And two, you could call the branch manager of this recruitment office. That would be great. That's what we're looking for. Let me call her. Hey, give this kid a break.

Let him take a break at the food court. Yeah, after you call. Go on, take you 15. Give us the number. You don't have to be here. Give us the number. And you go take a break at the food court. And I give him a little bit of money.

There's a button to call her. Okay, which one is just point to it? It's right there. It's the one that says amelarian. Okay, great. Here's a little cash. Back on us. We didn't have branch managers.

We had trees. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Should we love it? You can go, don't say anything that you may go. Wait, let me see that money. He needs all that just for lunch. How much do you want for lunch?

Half of what you were going to give me? Oh, just go ahead. You know, I like that you're honest. Hey, I appreciate the honest. Half is more than I needed. Sucker, art. Art of the deal. He runs out of the real.

I get retired. Hey, guys, before we call, just a quick. Let's pack the computer. I just want to say something that I like, that you're embracing my chill vibes, but kind of like the weakest link. Like a group is only as chill as the least chill person. Well, who would that be? Yeah.

I'm not saying anybody. I'm saying that we all kind of have to, you know, you know guys. Let's call. Hey, Ralph, you call. I don't know. Maybe we should go around and vote and vote secretly for who we think the least chill person is. And then we'll see, we'll get a consensus based on our secret votes that we're doing behind each other's backs to see if there's anybody who's Not chill.

Unfortunately, verb, I do have to vote for you right now. I am fine. That's one vote for Herb. I am. I abstain, which seems like the most chill thing to do. That's pretty chill. That's fine. Ashley?

Chill. I'm chill. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm chill. Hey, we're going to pay attention. He was on the computer, man. And then Herb, who do you vote for?

I don't know. I'm not participating. Okay. So, unfortunately, that means that her. I'm so chill. You're the least chill. You're the least chill. I don't know what you're talking about.

That's okay. It's going to be okay, Herb. Who wants to take this call? I press the button. I got it. Let me see if I can learn from the Chillmaster himself. After a couple of rhythmic beeps, you hear a click, and then you hear a voice say, yeah, something happened. That's a pretty voice.

Who is this? Oh, this is your good friend, Ralph Estereus. How are you today? Sir, ma'am? Could you put Razican on the phone? Oh, Razakhan is in the food court. He's doing a great job, that young man. He's a straight shooter.

I love his dangly mouth, really wiggles them tentacles in a way that, as you know, assume that's how he vocalizes and he does a good job yeah could i hear from him right now he he as i said is getting some kind of space burrito at the food court but he told us to talk to you because we have some very important information for the your organization i'm just gonna yeah just give me one second it sounds like you're nervous just yeah just give me one second i can i put you on hold is that okay no well we're gonna be asking the questions asshole don't you go don't you press any other but don't you press one of you roll persuasion i'm not going to give you disadvantage the check's just going to be pretty high. It's going to have to be a 16 at least.

I got 10. So she goes, yeah, I'm just going to put you on hold real quick. Okay. I will be right back. All right. Well, I look forward to speaking with you on the other side of this hole. I don't believe her, man. I don't believe what you said that she's putting... You hear the space version of the girl from Epinema. Somebody's going to show up here. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, you know what? You're right. Somebody's going to show up here and we're all going to be, we're all going to be caught. Hmm?

Hey. Remember what our good friend Dale said. It's just time to cheat. Hello, we'll come out in the wash. I'm really, look, underneath this calm exterior, my heart is palpitating. I'm quite nervous, but I am choosing to embrace the attitude that our friend Dale here, because Lord knows everything I've been trying up to this point hasn't been working. So I say, we just go with the flow, baby.

Go with the flow? You know what goes with the flow? A tidal wave, man. We're under a wall of water and you don't even realize it. How are you going to surf at that tidal wave without hanging 10, my man? Okay, I'm back. Hi, yes. You should see in the back of the building that there is a little sort of a cage for a couple people for shoplifters for whatnot.

We've been in there before. Great. Could you get back in there real quick? That sounds great. We're going to go ahead and do that. Okay, awesome. Thank you so much. If you could just stay there, that would be great.

Okay. Can you stay on the line with us, though? Yeah, sure. So as we were saying, we have, and we're getting in now, and I give a debonair wing to my fellow granddad. We're getting in. Just like last time. Just like last time. It's totally secure.

It's cold, man. It's cold and I'm secure. That was the door. So we are for space adventurers, and we have, as we said, some important information for the IBS. So who would be the best person to give that information to? That would typically be the tip line, but I can definitely run it up the chain to my CEO. What's your information exactly? So we happen to know that the luminous have come into possession of an extremely powerful device that you,

Maybe if you just name drop the word Project Nightcrawler up this chain and see if that rings any bells. And then you'll know that we know what we're talking about, ma'am. I will do that. You have a lovely voice. Did I mention that? You did, and it kind of threw me off. If you could just, just one second, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. You know how you make it, sci-fi?

It's the girl from Eponema 12. Throw a little number at the end of it. Girl from Ipa Nebula. Fuck, that's really good. Now it's like, whoa. Okay, you hear sirens in the sky in the distance getting closer. During all this, I want to be hacking their computer. Because the computer appears to be linked up with, like, their database of the guy.

And the guy's gone. Perfect. Go ahead and roll hacking. Just get a database of local high schoolers if they're convinced to join the ISP. It's just a callback. So they could be really mean when they hang up on them. My guys were mean to me as shit. Just because I said no and hung up before they were a sentence in.

bullet fucking dodged for them. I'm sorry. I don't think you would have been a good. I would have fragged somebody real bad. Okay, hacking. I roll 15. Okay, so the 15, you have access to the admittedly limited, but still, you know, not bad databases on the internet. And then also, it appears he left his browser open on the internet for the IBS login system. So you can access Razagan's profile and email and some basic informational sites. Quick scan the emails. What are we? What's all Radican looking at? He's mainly getting a lot of really passive aggressive emails from his branch manager saying that he needs to be more assertive.

He needs to stop crying on the job, thinking about all the people dying in the war and all the people that he's going to be recruiting and stuff, that ultimately recruiting people to this cause is going to be a net gain. So he needs to stop worrying about whether or not anybody he has recruited has died. And then you see a bunch of responses from like deep search businesses that are like, yeah, we searched for exactly what happened to that guy that you said that you recruited. He definitely died. he died directly because of that payment can be done in installments. Team, that kid over there, in debt and guilty, we might be able to recruit them on our side. Okay. We've already proved that he's pretty recruitable.

Do you think we should just get caught? I guess we just either trust. I'm just saying I crashed the database. What do we want to know? Oh, find the phone number of the person above this person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Company directory, I want to go out of the person passed on because you told them the code word, right? Yeah.

I don't think they passed it all. I don't think they're on the pay scale. I don't even know that code word. Yeah. All right. Who's the person above the org chart? Oh, hack into. Just send a message to everybody through the system.

Oh, organization. Let me find a email that I can reply all to. Code black, whatever it's called. What is it again? Project Nightcrawler. Project Nightcrawler. Just put out Project Nightcrawler. I want to type in email to everyone.

And it says, we are at Six Moons Food Court. We have information on Project Nightcrawler. Call off the Hounds. talk. Okay. We open Project Nightcrawler and know where it is. Call off the hound. We open, dole, delete, delete.

We open Project Nightcrawler and know where it is. Call off the hounds or we won't talk. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on me think about this. That's good. What did they torture it out of us? Don't torture us.

Don't torture us. Hey, Alice will be in the room with them. Yeah, don't torture us. Please help. Oh, and also, also, I also want to reply all this email. let's add some more addresses. What are the various reputable news organizations so that that way something happens to us?

I think we want to... New York Times? New York Times. Ezra Klein at New York Times.com. Ezra'll get to the bottom of this. In a very sort of half-assed both sidesy kind of way. I think personally he'll do it in a very thoughtful and nuanced way. That's what I think.

Who else can we email? Ross, Douthit, New York Times. Oh, he's at CBS now. Well, he's not yet because it's 2019. Ross, Ross, Ross is good. Who else is good? Those are just pundance. talk about things that already happened.

They don't break news. That's the problem with... Go ahead, just send it to all the podcasts. They can tell you what two sides think about what's happening to us. That's not what we need. Nope. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that Dale was the calm one.

Hey, I slipped. Sorry, bud. Who else should we shop-o trap house? Chopo trap house. I told me about shoppo trap house. Because you have access to the internet. You can search for, you know, new organizations if you want to do that. We don't need to talk to journalists.

I'm just saying that we, but what if we get... They'll know they can't do any funny business on us if the journalists know that we're in here is what he said. Yeah, I just don't think they care. You have access to the internet on there? Well, some kind of space internet. Google search. Okay.

Better Project Nightcrawler alternative. Okay. Hey, yeah, yeah. No, herb, that was a good idea. Better Project Nightcrawler alternative. Reddit. Yes. That's how you know as a real person responding to it.

Not AI. I execute the search. Okay. Oh, but before you execute the search, why you just send out the message? I'll send the email, execute search. Okay, so you send the email. And I open up a new town. And you get a bunch of like Damon email, email,

rejected, you know, like you do whenever you email large group of people wants. And then the search returns, Project Nightcrawler is the name of an echo sim created by blah, blah, blah, blah pictures or whatever. It doesn't seem to know what project night crawler is because Project Nightcrawler is secret. What about a- We sent the message out, right? Space Titties. The computer explodes.

No, it doesn't. You know it. You know. Focus. No, you time in S and then immediately finishes with pasted. Auto-complete. Yeah. Google search Reddit, foolproof way for IBS to defeat Luminous.

Question mark. Okay. So you get a thread for space Reddit. Spread it. No, it's not. I thought of that and it's not spread it. It is very much not spread it. Spreadit.

Spread it. for the first time ever didn't say it out loud. Come to my new adult website, spreadit.com. All right, it's spread it. You find it spread it thread. Let's start spread it, but it is space Reddit. Yeah, we'd be amazed that that's not already a subreddit. We're basically a bunch of people are sort of arguing back and forth about like strategically

what could the IBS do to win this war. And there are obviously, you know, many varied opinions. But the majority of them seem to be that they need to develop some sort of tech to find out who the luminous are and then basically start exterminating them. There are a bunch of comments beneath them saying this is bar bag, blah, blah, blah. That's probably one of those guys, probably luminous. It's probably a bar, yeah. You see that the post is like, edit.

I know a lot of you guys are saying about the luminous. Wow. Downvoting me for just having it. This really is an echo chamber. One of the top voted comments. Let's check out the shit posts on OK buddy luminous. Oh, yeah. What does it look like on the snark subreddit?

IBS circle jerk. So the first thing you see before you go to IBS Circle Jerk is you see there's a comment from somebody going The real question is who the fuck started this? Who is this sculptor person? And a bunch of people being like, oh, conspiracy guy, conspirators. And then on IBS Circle Jerk there's a bunch of memes. I know. I know.

I log in and I start answering with everything I know. Because we know a lot. Fucking restroom while we're waiting. 14 year old thrash sculptor. I mean, it's like everybody. Right. We get audited. We get out of Matt.

And I tell him the whole journey of everything we've done. far. So you get auto banned by the mod who thinks that you're politically incendiary. Not enough karma, huh? And then you have too low karma to be posting. You got to like some posts first. All right, we like some posts.

We'll solve your Reddit touch. Okay, you like enough post that you get a little pop-up that says, hey, congratulations. You are now a pro-karma spread-it user. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, before you post, make sure you read the sub-spread its rules. Before you post, you also got to make friends with the Mots. I respond to the Mott. Like, hey, I told you.

You're doing a great job moderating. I didn't understand the rules. And I'm glad you stopped slop like that from coming on to the... This is an automated mod system. If you want to speak to one of the mods, please message our... Spread it user and our spread it user with an A. I think we got to post an ass spread it. What's a subtle sign that someone is an unhappy person?

Somebody posts a bit. Hey, this internet thing's pretty neat. Holy shit, 4,000 Carmas! I just Googled it into actual Reddit and 7.6,000, like, 7.9,000 comments. Jesus. You want to know what the top one is? Yeah, what is it?

Not answering emails and text is a warning sign for me. I start procrastinating about personal correspondence when I'm on my way to a bad depressive episode. Wait, wait, wait, sorry, sorry, wait. Wait, wait, sorry, I need to clown on this comments are really quick. I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to be somebody talking about somebody else. It was going to be somebody being like, my life is really hard.

Oh, shit. It also sounds like they're laying foundation for somebody else to, like, see it and be like, oh, that's why he's not responding myself. Because it's so sad. That's why my friends sucks. It's actually me who sucks. Yeah. Okay, well, the top one that is not about myself is a list of three, not finding pleasure.

We start by controversial here. Controversial. I like to hear other opinions. Controversial. Holy shit. This is so stupid. Controversial. They're wearing a wedding ring.

A comedian from 1995 got onto Reddit. I don't agree with it, but it's their take, so I'm going to upvote it. You know, it's not about what you disagree with. It's about, is the common a good one. I think what they were going for is good for them. Do we have enough karma of it? post in the circle turks up reading.

Yeah, just to clarify, we did send before we're doing this right thing like our big message I know you did. You haven't mentioned checking the email yet. Do you want to check the email? No, no, no.

Okay. Go. Yes, you have enough karma to post in the IBS circle. Can I want perception though to see if I can tell that we don't hear sirens anymore? Like they got pulled back or something?

Yeah, you can hear. They're getting closer. Oh, okay. Oh, right. And actually you've been spending a lot of time liking posted stuff. You look at the front door and there's already a bunch of like

IBS cars with like people pointing blasts. I slam my hand against it. I make like a skin screen against the door. Guys, wait, wait, wait, wait, let me do this. Let me do this. Okay, it's post, post, quick. We all got so much time. I'm posting an art and spread it slash movies.

And I'm saying, did you know that in Django on chain, Leonardo really caught his hand. He caught his hand and his hand was bloody. Wait, really? He really did that. Is there a webcam attached to this? Yeah. Oh, tell them that King Parsons is 19 years old. I want to stream.

You want to stream. Yeah. What's on Switch? Swaston.TV. You can start streaming on Swaston.com. It asks you for, you know, what's the area in which you were streaming so people can find you. We're on Six Moons Live, Live from Six Moons Lifestyle stream. Okay, great.

Saving the universe. Saving the universe. That will get people to watch. Okay, you are alive. What up, SpaceFam! Nobody's watching. Hold on. What up, SpaceFam.

Look outside. I turn the webcam and then pulling it outside. Oh, here's what we should do. Now that we have karma, now that everyone knows, on space Reddit that were cool. Yeah. We should do a post with the link to the Twitch. Yeah, exactly.

So the people from the space Reddit go and we can say like, hey, this guy's telling the truth. And it seems like the IBS is about to rain. Silence him. Silence him for telling the truth. But you got to make it an intriguing post. You got to be like, I can't believe he said that. Big drama. That's good.

Sometimes something humble kind of like live stream up thought this community might like it. And then, you know, that people click on it. And I'll post a painting that I made, but I'll put my cute picture of myself in there with the painting. So they're upvoting me, too. That's nice. Yeah. Does anyone appreciate real art anymore? This is a post about a cat.

They need to see my cat, though. All right. So what are you going with? All of those. I think we're going to, now that we have clout on the circle jokes up on. Fuck me. We're going to post the link to the Twitch. Live stream.

Okay. Yeah. What's the direction you're going to? What are you selling? I got to go with Herb on this one. I think controversy sells. All right. So what is it, Herb?

Can't believe he said that big drama. Fast tense for a live stream is a choice. Herbert, let me correct this. Can't believe he's saying that. Edit, can't believe he's saying this. Anybody give me a persuasion rule with advantage because that's very good. Persuasion with advantage. Okay.

I'm going to. use that advantage. Oh, you can do like, is he okay? Like something bads happened on the stream that you got, click on it. I got a 12. You got a 12? Can we all go?

What's the word of you know? No. You're only post to make him one post. Oh, man. I will have spread it as a whole role twice. I don't even know why we need anybody watching this. It's to protect ourselves. We're getting tortured to death, Matt. Okay, so you get about 30 viewers.

Hey, hey, look outside. Hey, Chad. They're trying to silence us. They're trying to silence us. I put the camera and I pointed outside. Spread your fingers a little bit. Okay. What?

Because I got it. I got a skin door. Which is already, hey, chat, you probably already look and that's pretty cool what you've seen right now. Never seen this before, huh? All right. Check it out. Point outside. In the chats you see, oh, cool, crime stream.

And then another one saying, oh, cool, luminous crime stream. Meek, skinny weird flesh hands. Cool. All right. Glad they're watching. Anybody donating? Any donations? You got to tell them what they get for it.

Ice cream's so good. Ashley, Ashley, has anybody responded to the message you sent? Oh, yeah, that's right. I all tab to the email. Immediately after you sent it. You got an email in response from the manager of the tip line. And he says, hi, this is really interesting. And thank you for reaching out.

Are you currently surrounded by a bunch of IBS troops? Oh, yes. Don't bother the emails too slow. Yes, whoever's watching. We're currently surrounded by IBS troops. We're not going to tell you how many unless we get some more super chats. And we know a lot about Project Nightcrawler. Everyone's what everyone's been talking about.

We don't want to talk about. We only want to talk about with the important people who need to know. That's our VIP club. And you can join by donating every donation in the chat gets access to our VIP club where we tell you all about Project Nightcrawler. So a user in your Sweston.tv chat, the name is tip line manager. It says please check your email again. And then there is a link to what a spoon. A spoon?

A spoon link. What's a spoon? Just click on whatever. Careful. Careful. Do I trust the link? No, but I will click. That's the most grandparent thing possible.

That's the most grandparent thing. By default, we should absolutely shattered all illusion that were grandparents by fucking knowing how Reddit works. That's true. I know how Reddit works. I'm online. I'm with the kids. Oh, that's true.

Yeah. I know how Reddit works because I'm always sock puppeting and the teen sex subreddit. You probably have a better insight. Yeah, we're learning how spread it works. It's very different. You get the Zoom link. You click on the Zoom link and you see what looks to be a man in a very well-cut suit.

It's so fucking tweed on. Well-cut man, huh? Yeah, he's very handsome. Well-cut man, well-cut suit. And he says, uh, hi, so what's going on? Call off the hounds or we'll, hey, you're live, motherfucker. Hey, guess what everyone? We're live.

I share a screen. Could you turn the stream off, please? Because if what we're talking about is a matter of, like, galactic safety would be good. Call off the hounds and we'll call off the street. stream. Oh, yeah, that's good. We don't want to be in danger and then we'll talk to you. Okay, yeah, I'll tell them to, I'm typing it right now.

And he types out a message and you see that the cops outside put their guns down. They're still looking at you and they're still there. Tell them to leave this sacred food court. And bring us some fries. Okay, I'm not going to do that. And a hot dog on a stick. A long stick. No funny games.

Oh, man, we could get everybody who's watching the stream to raid the Loomis. Yes. 30 people. We get the luminous swatted. There's a good chance about half of them are luminous also. That's fair. I didn't think about that. So let me explain this from my perspective.

You know of a thing that you shouldn't know. And one of you is clearly with the luminous because they have the ability to manipulate their flesh in a way that only luminous tend to. No, but I'm not luminous. I'm just stretchy. I'm not, I can't change who I am. I'm just stretchy now. Here is the deal that I will offer you.

And also, presumably, have you done something unsavory to, to get access to an IBS recruitment offices computer systems? No, you've been abusing this poor intern working here. Is it unsavory to kidnap grandchildren to try to save the universe? I think just giving a guy some money for lunch and then calling up people to help them. You know, sure, I guess it's a little unsavory, but I'm trying to save the galaxy, but. I soldo Voce aside to my chat, like, it's getting pretty spicy now, huh, chat? But you do it into the mic, but you're also using pretty soon.

Well, yeah. Look, sign of trust, okay? And I look at the chat's like, hey, Dale out here. things we're spending an hour with us. We got to take a break. We'll be back streaming in about 30 minutes. Moths, put up some ads. Yeah, have a good one. And I hang up the stream. Okay. So look,

I'm not luminous. Yes, we don't just know Nightcrawler. We're in it. We fixed it. And we know what's going on with it. Where it's headed. And we need help. And I think the help we need is the same sort of help you need, which is the luminous not ending the universe. Is that right? They're doing

that. Ralph, you've got better. So that's what's up. So while you've been talking the handsome man is throwing his brow and moving to type something. You can tell he's, like, half listening to you as he typed something in. Are you streaming? No, I'm not. Oh, so that means the one at the computer. Are you Ashley Birch?

Who's asking? And then there's Ralphister Reyes. And then is Herb? Uh-oh, uh-oh. Quickly there? No, my name's Herb. I press the little filter that changes your faces to like little kitty faces and stuff. Yeah, like I have a rabbit face now.

Okay. We are merely an anonymous group of concerned citizens. And don't ask us to put our hands in front of our faces. This is actually good. We've been wanting to actually communicate with you and reach out to you. We do sort of need your assistance. Well, yeah, we need yours. Yeah, we know.

The whole galaxy needs yours, too. Okay, so then we are going to, okay, I turn the filter off. All right, what do you want? Talk deal, let's talk to you. We can get you a fast ship very soon. and we can get you... We want a fast shit. Yeah, I knew that was coming.

And we can get you a blanket pardon. Oh. You just have to go to the planet Avia for us. Avia. Which planet is that the sex one? No, that's the one that all the bird people come from. It's where your grandson, Oliver, is currently being held. Oh, that's good.

I mean, I'm held. What is he being held for? Helped by the luminous. No. He's held by the avian government that have basically made themselves independent in this whole squabble. But he belongs. to the IBS. He's a very successful pilot in the IBA. He doesn't belong to anybody. Oh, sure. He works for the IBS. He is a very well-decorated fighter pilot for the IBS.

He was abducted by them following some details that I don't need to get into right now. And they're holding him and the IBS can't make a move on them without essentially starting a second war against Avia. And obviously that's not in our interest. But Oliver is very useful to our war effort. And they're not going to let him go until Reagan becomes president. Yeah, exactly. Got him, got his ass. What a deep cut. Fucking got his ass.

You got any Ollie North jokes in there? Or Jimmy Carter. Wasn't his fault. Wasn't his fault. Wasn't a joke, just an observation. That guy gave up his peanut form. The way the law works on Avia, you are actually the only ones who can get to Oliver right now.

What do you mean? Okay. Avia, as a planet, when it comes to other states, species, they defer to members of that species and oftentimes family members of that species. So Oliver is in holding before his trial and they need to find a human from Earth to judge him. Well, that's bad news because we just... Well, yeah, one, his trial, but two, we have reason to believe that a member of the luminous is within killing strike distance of him right now.

That is entirely likely, yes. We don't have any eyes on Avia. So that's the favor you'll be doing us, going to Avia and getting Oliver out of it. Okay. That's good. We want to do that. But what about the luminous have Project Nightcrawler?

Fuck. Where is Project Nightcrawler? Right now. We just... Headed toward the strike. Okay. I see that you rented slash stole a luxury limo a couple decades ago.

It's in that. It's in that. Yeah. And if you know how once a car leaves your site. Yes. Where is it now? That's where this is. You don't...

You don't know where it's. it is anymore. Ralph just achieved enlightenment from contemplating that co-od. He's like, my God, where is it now? You're right. Yeah. The reason I ask is because we can track whether or not, I mean, I guess the fact the role still here means that the night

crawler hasn't. That's true. Old buddy Al must be a holdout on them. Yes, I can track the last known heading of that ship of the Lux and it's headed potentially towards Avia as well. Oh. Well, that works out. That is

Odd. But at a pretty high speed, and they've been going for a bit now, so you might want to get a move on. All right. Well, sure, sure. We'll go right now. Okay, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Call off your eyes. Give us good, guys.

You know, I'm going to have them give you one of their ships. Nice. And we need a guarantee of safe passage and guns. We need a couple of upgrades on the ship. Roll persuasion. You get used to certain quality of life issues when it comes to newer ships. Yeah, let's just say. Let's just say, you get used to a certain level of luxury.

I know what you're getting at. Those did get outlawed like a decade ago. What do you mean outlaw? You make the lawn. I make it, man. I got a five. A five, okay. We want the suit to pass me out.

God damn it! God damn it! No! Here it comes! We want dick sucking carpets in our spaceship and we're going to say the universe. If we get back, save it sound. I don't want not to pay us. So that he taxed.

Oh. But he can't you get you on your life. I hate it. Oh, shit. So that deal? No more taxes. Sure. Again, blanket pardon for, yeah, sure, whatever.

Yeah, so it's not legal if we get blanket parted. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You don't have to pay taxes to congratulations. And the carpet. And the carpet's not happening. I just say, if you can make the carpet that's not happening. That would be cool. No big deal, but I like the, I think it would be cool.

There have been accidents and deaths. You don't want the carpet. Yeah, well, guess what? No, I don't want the carpet. Those carpets have saved our lives more times than we can count. Yeah, I don't want the carpet or anything. It's just it'd be nice to have. I kind of need it, actually.

Okay, well, unfortunately, you did roll a five, so he says, it could be a no deal on that one. Where's the other ways for that to happen? Meanwhile, I want to Google. I'm just saying, who are the black market? I live 70 years without dick's like a carpet, and never was it. I think I wasn't getting enough, right? So we can move.

on, we're okay. I can't go back, man. Alt tap. You're trying to live on a smartphone now. Yeah, I can't. Anthony, I want to alt tab and search on Spreadit. Like, who are the best black market carpet? Like, you know, because like, people are like, you can get, you know, like, in California,

a super dark window tint is illegal too, but you can still get a window tint. You know what I mean? There is a guy who tends to do them. He brings the carpet to you. The comment underneath that guy is like, do not go to this guy. He does not have carpets. He's not have carpets. He points themselves as this, I'm the carpet, and he comes at you.

Like those guys who are like modding those. And then there is a reply to that review, like, we're so sorry that you had the secret of the dick's own carpet. Please contact Mr. Dick Carpet to get this sorted out. The account Mr. Dick Carpet says, yes, I can meet you. Where are you? You're right. You're right.

I think we can go to. I mean, at least tell him to go to Ava. Yeah. Yeah. The planet. To sell we're going there. whether or not he does We'll see how it develops

We'll see how this develops Okay, when will you be there? We're going there right now Right now In a fast ship Oh, so it'll be like a decade It's a really fast ship man You want this deal or not

You want to sell or not? I just want to know when I'm going to be there I'm not going to be there waiting for 10 years Why not man So I can sell you your dick sucking carpet Yeah yeah I don't know if this is going to work then man I'll be waiting for you

In 10 years I or one of my associates or descendants will be there some dig-ziding carpet for you, okay? Let's get a move on. The one friend father prophesied is here. If you exit or remove your hand from the door, whatever. I remove my hand. You see that all of the ships have gone,

except for one that has a single IBS trooper holding a pretty big laser shotgun standing next to it. He says, I'm your driver. Is the guy still on the stream? Yeah. Oh, what was your name, bud? You don't really need to know my name. No, I think we're friends now.

I don't think we are. Working together. No, no, we're friends now. We're actually. Actually, we're actually friends now, dear. My name is John. All right, John. I don't think that's his real name.

I'll never forget you. Hey, whatever you want to be called, I'll call you, John. And then you call me John. All right, John. Thanks a lot. And who's, hey, what's your name, bud? Who's this? Who's the driver?

The guy of the shot of the guy. First time we don't have an AI on this ship. We're going to have another person. It's just a guy. That's good. We should make him prove he's not luminous, though. Oh. I don't know, poke him.

I ask John before we go. Hey, John, it's like a test we can do to see if people... Do you have, like, luminous goggles that we can wear so you see which people are luminous or not? Do you have a test? Even if it's only got... Do you know what I mean? No, if we did, this probably would have been over a long time ago.

Yeah, it feels like a nice of a road. How about this guy? Yeah, I mean, everybody who joins the IBS goes through a fair amount of, you know, scanning. We don't trust anybody but ourselves. Tell your guy, thanks for the car, and we're going to go. Look at this from my perspective. Am I going to give people that have a history of killing IBS troops and breaking into their recruitment offices,

a car with weapons on it, and a free pass to go wherever they want, whenever they want. I don't think I am. Hopefully. I think you are. If you really do want to go to Avia, he can get you there.

We really do. It's my grandson. Of course we want to go. We're not going to do anything else. They'll get you to Avia. And you'll be able to tell very quickly if he's not. Hey, John, your friends, I trust you. Okay.

I gave him a little thumbs up. Okay. Okay. I'm going to log off now. All right, John. Hey. John, you're on mute. We can't hear you. Hey, are you married?

Okay, I'm logging off now. It logs off. And the trooper with the shotgun points at his name tag. It says Pallaxar on it. He goes, the name's Mortimus Pallax R. And that name was sent to us by Connor Flynn. What a good sci-fi-ass name. So are you like our assistant?

I'm your chaperone. Okay. Could you just from us, say it's from us, just get John something nice and say thank you for the ship. To who? Who do you want me to tell you that? John. Send it to John. You want me to send John?

No. At present. Let's go. I'll wear them down. Mortimer. There may be some upgrade. Mortimus. We may have some upgrades on the way.

Just be ready. We have some aftermarket modifications that we've ordered up. They'll go straight. Is there a hot tub on the ship? No, it's a military ship. Is there a tub? Does it look like a cool, like, Halo gunboat kind of thing? It looks like the drop ship and alien.

That's fine. Relax. Hey, guys, last time we were at IBS, we almost got killed. This time, we just walked. Hey, you're right. Wait on the computer. Hey, you're right. And what we got right now?

We got a ship. We ride to our grandkids. We got a ship. We know where our grandkid is. We got help. We got weapons. And we're all okay. That's right, man.

Hey, maybe there's something to this chill. That's going to drive me crazy, man. That's crazy that we chilled and everything went according to plan. I can't believe it. I'm freaking out, man. So, yes, you're hot tubless aliens drop ship as spaceship with a, Shotgun wielding chaperone hits light speed and you are just behind your previous Lux heading towards the planet of Aid. Hey, Mortimus!

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The sun was the color of a prolapsed. Oh, no.