Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 16 - 4 Hangry Men

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

delete search historyThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Oh my gosh. Yeah, no, definitely not the asshole. Okay, next one. Am I the asshole for threatening someone with death so I could live stream? Suspect. So me and my three friends, all male in our 60s to 70s,

we're in space trying to get a spaceship to get off of six moons. And so we went to the IBS recruitment center run by a porcupine guy, my friend Dale called prickly. Edit, you wouldn't think it was racist if you were there. That I would. We lightly implied we could kill him and his loved ones if he didn't connect this to a higher up, which he did. And then we live streamed the IBS troops

as they prepared to kill us all. But we didn't kill anyone. We just needed the IBS to give us a ship so we could go rescue my sweet, kind, talented grandson Oliver on Avia. And we warned them about the nightcrawler drive so we're kind of the best people in the world and not assholes at all. Wait, nightcaller, like X-Men? Oh, I love X-Men.

I want to fuck Professor X. No, I want to fuck Professor X. So, if you judge us to be assholes or you say YTA in any way, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror, buddy. Why are you even on this website? You should be helping us rescue my grandson. Fuck you, man. Anyways, am I the asshole?

Okay, um, wow. And there are some edits. Edit, downvotes, really? Edit, please do not look at my post history. I do not know how to delete it. Oh. Welcome the Dungeons and Daddy. The fuck was that.

Sike, it's Grandpa's and Galaxies this season, dogs. What is happening? It's a grand space popper about four gilfs. I don't feel safe. Who take to the space, my friend. To take to the stars to rescue their grills. grandkids and perhaps the entire known universe in the process.

It's a D&D with that dark matter system flavor. And perhaps smooch and cooch along the way. Oh, what? What? What's the worst? Wait, wait. What the same thing is that? That's not a phrase. Yeah, why not?

That's right. It's a t-shirt. Did you say smooch and coo? No, smooch a cooch. Okay. That makes more sense than smooth. It's so weird. Yeah.

Hey, it could happen. I mean, hey, hey, anything can happen and when you're in a wild. Do you think grandpies grandpaws aren't down there looking envelopes, man? Okay, now I'm with Andy. I don't like those anymore.

Yeah, I'm a return to sender. My name is Freddie Wong. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with a knee. Birch like the tree. Born in 64, that makes Ashley Birch the youngest boomer alive. He's a twin galaxy's there, a gadgeteer.

He's an arcade pro gamer turn Twitch streamer. We've had a lot of ships. Oh, we're not doing. Okay. Ships, what ship? I like to ship Ashley and her personally. There's a lot of...

Okay. What's their ship name, Matt? It's, uh, Hirshley. Hershly. Hershly. Hirsch. Wow.

Ashley's fact. This grandpa fact. Her birch. He's dating her. You heard it here first. We've had a lot of spaceships that we've been traversing and trained. We're like John Wick with those guns with those spaces.

I know. We keep changing the lower. Lesser D&D podcast when you get in one and be like, wow, that's your ship for the season, not this one. We could care less about. We really want that one back, though. This is the best one thing. All your favorite characters.

However, Ashley loves spaceships, and he's been disappointed because none of them have come close to the crown in his eye, the Idris P, the peacekeeper. This is a civilian. You were in a ship that sucked your dick and you're wishing that it was a different ship? That was more of the carpet, too. That's just a anti-thust. The carpet matches a drapes. The drapes sucked you off too?

Have we talked about the fact that our producer keeps begging us to actually do facts about the Fermi paradox, the game in that they're ostensibly play? But you just keep doing Starsiz and stuff. Because Ashton Star Citizen Streamer, dude. But he loves the Fermi paradox, ideally. Well, yes, he does. But not as much as he loves the game. Everybody was ever wonder if we've ever sold out. Just know that our producer keeps asking us to do Fermi Paradox because that's an our idea thing that we could sell.

And we go, no, we are artists. Yeah, I want to talk about Star Citizen. Ashley Burch is what we call Pot Committed. He has spent a lot of money on Star System. Just as Freddie spent a lot of time researching Star Citizen. Yeah, I'm not going to make up stuff. Yeah, that's not what this podcast is about. The Idris P, dude.

Manufactured by Aegis Dynamics. This is, I believe, the most expensive ship that you can pledge for. That's what he's got. How much was he spent? $1,250. Dang. I'm a me up. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Dale Elliott, the world cruise loving ex-life, Lunk-Lunk life. Lunk-Lank life. He's a little lunk, hunk-a-lunk. Dale's a widow of one, father, four, grandfather, seven, and friend to all. I think we're maybe on the final sense.

It depends if I want to do the eighth one or not. This is proprioception, which I think is how you pronounce it, which essentially just the awareness of where your body is. His favorite version of that is, this is a tough one. He is, and he haven't really been able to see it yet, and maybe that was part of his cranky attitude. until he's decided to mellow out again is he's a big yoga man. He loves yoga and yoga's pretty much just exploring all that. It is just knowing where your limbs are in relation to your body. Your body understands it. Yoga is just knowing where you're, okay. Yeah.

Yoga is just knowing where your body is. I thought it was stretching. I'm doing yoga right now. I'm in a chair. Yoga is just waiting for some cutie to touch you and correct your posture. Exactly. That's how I do yoga. That's creepy.

And his least favorite proporeoseptic feeling is his hands have been getting tingly and he wakes up a lot with just not feeling his hands. And he just doesn't like that. He wakes up without feeling. Was that tied to him being stretchy or no? Okay. No, just aging. And he's a lot with his hands and he's feeling. He's not enjoying it.

You know, aging is beautiful in its own way, but not a fan of that part of it right now. I figured his least favorite proprios whatever would be when he does upward dog. Nobody's falling for it I went to the well once too often You waited a good year and a half Maybe more Oh man Could you imagine?

I see the vision It would have been incredible It's just not It was just not Hey you know what I bet someone listening fell for it And to you I'd like to say Not much of dog

What's up with you? Hi I'm Will Campos I play Ralph Astoreas A sci-fi scribe slash wife guys Whose wife died And is a sorcerer slash radio Freak. Farrika.

Farrika. My Ralph fact this week is a Ralph's favorite grandpa joke is, as if you do this with cookie all the time, which always roll her eyes, they go to like Starbucks and he'd see the coffee

and it'd be like bold and dark with a nutty aroma and he'd be like, just like me. So anytime he sees a coffee that has like the full body whatever, he has to describe himself as a coffee. Anthony, you're having some uncharitable reactions

to people saying things. You know, Nuddy doesn't necessarily mean Comey. I can't be it could. Yeah, and then just because I want Yoga instruction. Just because I want to pay something to touch me against something else.

Wasn't really offended on my behalf. No, I think Beth just wanted to transition to her thing. Ralph's also a coochie smoocher. That's good. That's great. That's good. Everybody should coochie-sish. It just doesn't you say it like

smooch or cooch, that's all. We just don't like the way you said it. Why? Yeah. Why can a man not smooch a cooch? You know, I will think about that. I'll think about why that... Ralph, the man who smooch is cooch also could be smooch and you should be fine with both of those?

With what? Smooch and gooch. Gooch and smooch? If you're doing it right, you're getting both. That's true. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. It sounds like a good country song.

You can't lick the envelope without getting a little letter on your tongue. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Herb the Worm Quigley. a young at Hart Barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Fun fact about Herb is that he goes to the library every morning to read

a newspaper. So the people will touch him and correct him. Yes. This does not have to be a current newspaper. It's just kind of you know, whatever. Anything goes. Yeah, he pulls that up and looks through and he just sees anything

interesting and he reads that. Only one a day. It doesn't matter if it's old because he thinks of it like that stuff already happened so he doesn't have to stress about it. That technically goes for any article you read in the newspaper. Everything here's already happened. This is not the news. They're stupid. This is a compendium. They do report.

What are the headlines in present tense? Yeah, and they do report things that are going to happen. Like a vote is going to happen. But those are useful. That's useful. That's the newspaper that's only things that are going to happen. That's what we call early edition with Kyle Chandler. It was a good concept for show. It was.

We should do an early edition. There's a hot man that reads papers. That's what that show is about. I would like an excuse to watch early edition. Sure. I'm Anthony Burch and your grandpa. Hey, I'm... What?

This particular intro has made me change my mind about what I was going to do. I was going to give you an epigram by a woman. But instead, I'm going to give you a Fermi fact. Is it by a woman? No. Don't put that on us. Hey. I'm not putting it on all of you.

I'm putting it on Freddy. Freddy's not doing Fermi facts. So I have to silence women so that I can get our IP out there. Which is something that our producer, a woman wanted us to do. So in the Fermi paradox, there are many different classes that one can play in the modern incarnation of it. And one of them is pilot. When you get a default ship, you have the ability to shoot projectile weaponry, like ballistic stuff like bullets, missiles that lock on and a sonic cannon that disables ships within range.

You saw Nick Cannon, dude? Where was he? He was probably having another fucking kid. There are nonviolent and violent options within Star Citizen. Sorry, the Furby Paradox. Holy shit. Within the Furby Paradox. And those are available to anybody. What an odd thing to say.

Maybe it's foreshadowing. Who knows? When we last left you, you were headed towards the planet Avia, the home planet of all the bird people you've been running into. Because you know a couple of things. A, you know that Oliver is being held there for unknown crimes. And which one's Oliver who's bad. He's mine. I'm sorry.

Only I'm allowed to hold them. Oh, okay. Is the name Ollie? Well, that's what I call him, you know. You also know that the Lux, your former ship, along with Scrap and Reckage, are heading towards Avia. Oh, that's right. Scrap and Reckage. Don't know that we're not on that ship. Yeah, they assume you're on the ship.

But in reality, the ship holds the luminous head, the sculptor, and Al. And you did not hear the conversation they were having. So who knows what they're going to do when they get in there. And they can go into the big center thing now. They could go into the Spark. But Al doesn't want to right now as far as you do. Hang on, Al. You're on your way to a.

What's our ship called? What do we have? It is basically a drop ship, an IBS drop ship, kind of like one of the ships from aliens. So it's a little cramps, no carpet. We should call it Deepop. Deepop. A little drop shipping joke. But that's okay.

Oh, that's funny. Oh, I get it. It's called New Pala. It's named after a, it doesn't matter. Herb, what can he tell us about your grandkid? What kind of hard candies does he like? Hard candies? He's always been a big starburst fan.

I know that they're not like, they're not hard. Unless. Yeah, if you keep them long enough. If they're old. When they get trapped between the space of your driver's seat and the center console, then they get hot. So that's his favorite hot candy because, you know, sometimes I clean out my car. I offer them up and he says, thanks, grandpa. That's nice.

Yeah, and he reminded me to take my pills and he kind of looked out for me, which is, you know, I know it should be the other way around. But he's real kind and he's real smart, obviously. and he loves movies and music and yeah. Question. Have you taken your pills? I don't have any pills out here, you know? Okay.

Seems like. Hey, IBS guy. Yeah. What's your name by the way? My name is Mortonis Palaxar, but I go by John now. You will call me John and I'll refer to myself as John. This has always been my name. It's my new name.

And this is not a pickup. And you can find out why I go by John on our Patreon. Johnny boy. Yeah. What is your drug manufacturing capabilities? Like me personally? In general, your organization, a friend Herb here might, well. Yeah, let's say the way that my brain works is that, so imagine you have a bomb and it's with you at all times.

And at any given time, there's a 20% chance that it goes off and it ruins your entire life. But kind of gradually over the course of weeks or months. and you could take a pill and it would make the bomb wet all the time and not able to go off or something like that. But the bomb is still there and I guess it technically still could go off but it's real hard to go off when it's wet. And so that's what the pills are for me. So it's like, you know, I can be fine without them for a long time

until the bomb goes off and then I ruin my life. And so that's kind of how they work. We got to be on the lookout for pills don't make your bomb wet. Yeah. We got to wet your bomb is what you're saying. I don't wet my bomb, man. And then it's safer for everybody that way, you know? I have the capacity to, like, get meds and stuff from an official IBS.

Oh, but no carpets. Wait, you could get us meds this whole time. I've known it for, like, an hour. I take, like, 45 pills for a hip pain, ear pain, I'm writing down medication. Okay, great. Just we can do it, but I'll have to do a detour, and that'll add, like, another year onto the end of this trip.

Presumably they have, do they have this sort of a pharmacy on the bird planet, On avia, can we get any... Avia is specifically independent of IBS, luminous, any of those people. I imagine they might have a pharmacy, but I don't know if any of their pills will be compatible with humans. Bird pills, I see.

Okay, well, here's my prescriptions. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. All of us has the same thing I have, right? Yeah. So he's clearly dealt with it, and so he'll... Well, there you go. We got to find Ollie,

and we got to, then we can sort the situation out. That seems like... He was being held when we left. So 10 years later, he probably won't have any of his medication left unless Avia has been taking care of him and giving it to him. Well, it's been 10 years, so, you know, that's a good joke that's happened. I'm just saying be

ready for, you know. I think everybody give John here your prescriptions. Now you know this is something we need. So be on it. Just be ready. I don't, I'm not your assistant. I'm here to make sure you don't do anything fucked. I'm your shout. That's why I have a gun. Yeah. Yeah. You're an art assistant.

800 milligrams of lithium carbonate every, you know, six hours or so. Yeah. Like, uh, you're a lot. I'm your shout. You're going to die. Every six hours. That sucks. We've been on this adventure for a while. So that's a lot of bombs that haven't gone off, I assume. Also, that seems like those two things you said are elements.

That should be pretty easy to make. Elements are generally known for not being makeable. But it's why it's so easy to find on earth. Okay. So you see a blinking light on the dashboard and John goes, oh, yeah, hit the Upala. There might be something we could listen to. What? Like music?

No, the up. Who hit the Uppala? Okay. What's that? Not much. What's Upp with you? That's not even, that's not funny, John. What?

John. I put a fist out for John. Will is taking a while. John is a sense of, I didn't know this guy was a funny dude. Will is leaving the room. He's leaving the room. Will has stood up entirely.

He's trying to a pillow. Now he's screaming into a pillow. He's screaming in a pillow. You guys didn't see that one coming. Yeah, guys. I said, I saw that one coming. John, that was.

Oh, we'll close the laptop. Not that it matters. It came from my brain. You can't turn this machine off. All right, John. That's pretty good. Well, keep an eye on you. So it looks like there was somebody that before we left was trying to send a audio file.

Oh, sure. Yeah. I have found it now if you want to hear it. Yeah. I just want to say one thing. Yeah. John? I'm going to remember that.

Oh, yeah. Like a telltale game. You're going to, you're going to be dumb guy. You're going to dump. Ralph, that doesn't make any sense. I look forward to your post. Whatever that comes. I look forward to stinky butt.

What? Okay. Whatever I said about the lithium carbonate, double. So here's an audio file. I will hit play. It sounds like it is like one end of a conversation. How did you listen to this before we listened to it?

I didn't. And how could you say it sounds like one end of a conversation? Because some of the audio is really loud and some of it is really loud. and some of it is really quiet. Like somebody's far away from the market. I try to turn it up really loud. Turn it up, yeah. Yeah, I can't.

Oh, yeah, I can try to equalize as best I can. I don't equalize as best I can. Actually, I don't have any experience with, like, tech stuff. Does one of you want to try by, like, rolling? I run a Twitch stream. I'll do it. First, you got to open OBS. All right, go ahead and roll for OBS.

G gadgets or tech or something. First, you got to open OBS. I did a little series on how to use OBS for some of us, older folks, you know, who want to get into streaming. And the way I told people about how to do it, Roll the fucking dice. Is you go, first you got to open OBS. Then you got to route your inputs and your outputs and your sound files.

Wait, that was you? That's me. Wow. What a toe tapper. Yeah, and then here's the crazy thing. I've had that one stuck in my head for weeks. The 40-minute video because a lot of people have a lot. I have to go through all the possible audio outputs that there are.

Maybe it's built in. If you ever got a VR headset, there's a whole set of virtual outputs that you don't want to use. I like the bridge personally. I clicked on the video because I thought I was going to help me with my. Peepy, you know, like the stream. Oh, the stream guide. Yes, I can see how that can be a little bit confusing. Yeah, I was pissed when I got into the video, man.

You pissed after you? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I was, I was pissed off, but not pissing. So 12 is not going to do it. He goes, sorry, it looks like we're just going to go to one out here. No. We're the IBS. These people are more backwards than I had initially conceived.

All right. Well, I'm just going to, I'm saying, I'm just going to turn up the volume as loud as I can. Yeah, it's smart. Okay. So you hear. Huh. I wonder if there's a fun way to do this. I was just thinking if I called you and walked into another room and then like did it through my phone. We could try that.

We could hear half. Because we're supposed to only be able to hear half of the conversation. Yeah, yeah. I'll do half of it like this and then half of it like this and see if you can make out what's what? No. Okay. Call me. So let me convince you. My mind's made up. I'm not helping you. Humans change their mind on their own narrative new information. I promised I would help those grandfathers save their grandchildren.

and I want to ensure their safety before anything else. They're right. I need to see them in person. Which grandchild is closer right now? What is that to do? Which planet is closest? I'm setting a course. Aneed you're not going to that conversation I'm going to take you to an avixtap.

Then you can convince me on the way to Avia. Once I confirm the grandchildren are safe, I will take you to the spark. I promise. It's Al and the sculptor. The sculptor. Who was on that phone call? Well, it sounded like our good friend Al, and it sounds like once he sees that we're alive, he's going to take them to the spark, which is a big problem. So if we save our grandchildren.

And where was this audio file? The audio file sounds like it was taken within the Lux and sent to you remotely in the previous episode when Freddie kept rolling ones on his perception checks. That was Al trying to communicate with him through the... Yeah, Al must have said that. Because then you would have been able to interact in that conversation until Al to say... Oh, that's all those red circle notifications are. And Al's smart. Al smart.

If there's one day I know about, he's very smart. So just because he's saying he's going to help, like he could be playing a game against the sculptor. Like, he may be trying to help us. Maybe. Well, he's by guiding us to our grandkids. I mean, we just let him kill a guy. If I know anything about Al, I don't think he's going to give them the way to the spark, is my point. Yeah.

Like, that doesn't seem like Al. The way he's weighing that morale, I don't think he's like, well, two grandkids is worth, like, the choice for the whole world. Roll history or perception 13 plus the 0. 13. So with the 13, you remember that Al said that the trial was still going on, that your attempts to influence him via pathos, ethos, or logos were still active and that it was basically his turn. And as far as you know, that hasn't necessarily changed. Now, killing somebody made him feel really, really, really, really bad.

So that's definitely, you know, done something to his pathos resistance. I mean, he, no, he agreed to help us. He said he was going to help us. Right, but now he's with a very persuasive person who might convince him otherwise. Okay. Yes, sculptor top's good. Well, of course he's persuasive. He's got like a bazillion people in him.

Yes. Yeah. Just so you know, that is still on the table. It's not for sure that he's even telling the truth about doing this actor. You know what's crazy about that guy? What? He probably's got the best comebacks out of anybody. Because one version of him is probably taking the shower in any given point.

So anybody who says something to him, he's in the shower, and he's thinking of the comeback right there. That alone isn't enough to convince me to join the Lumin. You know, so many times I'm like, oh, I should have said something. different. All right. Is there anything anybody else would like

do before you get to Avia? I think it's pretty easy to over prepare. So, yeah, I just want to see Oliver, man. I'm going to sit back

in the chair, kind of watch the stars. You see any of you recognize? Nah, they all look beautiful. Isn't it weird that technically, you know,

back on Earth, whenever we like went to the beach or whatever at night or like stood on a balcony, we were looking at these same stars? Just from a different place,

though. And from a long time ago, because the way the light travels bought that. Yeah, it's actually not that. Yeah. And it's a crazy thing after all of this, we never landed on the moon. Wow. You all share more or less the same thought as you break through the atmosphere of avia. As the orange sky fills your vision, as silver clouds dance above cold flame forests,

all you think is finally a fucking planet. Yay. When you land, you see a small aviara holding a clipboard who seems to... Aviara? Yeah. Describe, please. Computer, describe? Bird person.

Bird person. As how small as small, he's up to your waist. Okay. Okay, hold on. So, we're still big for birds. Bird person, however, the next bird bounty hunters. Yeah, yeah, but I want to ask you, because you say bird person. We met dog bounty hunters.

But there's a very key word here. Holding. How holding. With wing or with talent? Oh, with wing. Delightful. Delightful. So he is waiting for you patiently by the landing.

pad and the door of the ship opens, and he sort of bows a little bit at his head. And he says, return the bow, return the bow. Oh, yeah. No, we bow. No, thank you. Yeah. The name is scrimmills, he says. One more time.

Say that again. The name is scrumbles, he says, extending a wing. Oh, I definitely heard that. Herb, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Oh, uh, Herb, yes. You have a great deal to do right now. It's true.

Also, the name, Scrimbles was sent to us by Perps Percival. Thank you, Perps, Percival. I almost used that as the name. We have eagerly awaited you, and we have very... Eagely awaited, uh? I don't know what that means. Careful. Why?

Why? It seems like whenever I make, you know, little comments like that, people get mad. So I just, you know, I've had no problem with that my whole life. Wow. I guess you just can pull it off then, I guess. I guess so. Play on. All right.

We have eagerly awaited you, and we have very bad news regarding your grandchild. He says, pointed herb. He's still alive, right? Oh, yes, very much, though. 10 years older than probably when you left, but yes, he is still alive. He has been spending 10 years in prison. Damn, everyone really understands the dynamics of time dilation

and light speed travel in the universe. It's pretty normal to us. Say that again. He spent 10 years in prison? Well, holding. You would probably refer to it as a prison, but he has been in holding for, yes, correct 10 years. For what?

Let him out. Like, 10 years? Well, incidentally, you may be able to do that. It is entirely on your shoulders. But he's been in jail for 10 years? Yes. Allow me to explain. Unconvicted of a crime? Allow me to explain. And he turns on his heel and starts walking towards a tall building. Hey, I think I know what he's trying to say. I go up next to him and I say, it's all on our shoulders, huh?

And I hand him half of our money. And he goes, oh, no, not in that respect. Okay. And I hand him all for money. Thank you. And he pockets it. Where? He's a bird. He's wearing clothes Bird with clothes Delightful

What will Anthony come up Yeah Anthony we're going to a building I don't think we're on the same That's You gave me a gift I appreciate it What did?

What did you give him to? He gave me all the money in his pockets You what? He knows all our money We have no money now I made a real mistake Boys, I'm sorry Oh you're right

You know what you're right I should give you a gift in return And he plucks a feather From his scalp And then hands it to you and he goes, this is a feather from my scalp. It includes all my DNA in case you ever wanted to clone me or talk to a clone of me. Oh, wow.

Is this like a cultural thing on your planet or are you just a weird guy? Who does this? I'm a little weird. I should have brought a gift. I didn't think to bring a gift, but this was the first. I assumed it would be interesting to you or at least new. Now, I have a gift for you and I had him back the feather. See, in our planet.

Yeah, we do it. This is how we do it. Yeah. But you're on this planet. And in this planet, we have no takesie-backseys. Which means I am legally forbidden from takesie backsees. Baxying my own feather. So the exchange is now done.

I thank you so much for all of your money. I hope you could be great use out of my feather. I thought oftentimes on new planets and islands, you can often kind of make, you know, a little bit of this. One more thing. I pull hair off of my head. You do pull from your pubs, dude. This little fucker doesn't deserve anything.

And I say, I know you can't do givsy-backsees, but this is a sort of a feather from my head. And now I'm going to exchange that with you, and you can exchange us different money. but of the same value that we gave you. And that way both cold trial customs are satisfied. Go ahead and roll persuasion. Holy shit.

Ralph might say. God, fucking damn it, I got an eight. Every time I roll, I'm like, I got a plus six. This is going to go great.

You got two? Two plus six, dude. It's crazy. It goes, oh, no, I'm sorry, I couldn't possibly accept

such an incredible gift. But maybe there'll be time for gifts afterward. Who knows? Who knows what's about to happen? Yeah, I mean, we'll stop by your place later. You know what's about to happen?

Well, you see the future? No, I don't know for sure. have a feeling you will agree to it. But maybe not. I can be wrong. I just, I cannot accept that you would keep someone, whatever the cons do you have in this isn't until proven guilty on this planet?

Well, we have something a little bit different, he says, is he leads you towards a tall building. How are you getting in? We're walking on a fucking bird planet, Matt. We're walking. Yeah, birds live on our planet too. And we walk here. They don't run it.

You see in the sky around you, there are a bunch of fucking Zelda ass like floating islands and, and like, you know, hovering bars and all that kind of stuff. It almost looks like... Floating islands and hovering bars, just like in Zelda. Yeah, just like in Zelda.

You get the feeling that this entire area, and especially as you get closer to the building, and you see, oh, it's just made out of, like, human-looking glass and not even clean glass. It's kind of a dirty sanctuary for humans. Yeah, basically you get the feeling that this was made specifically for you to create something that you were used to.

Oh, interesting. And you can tell by the awkward way that he's walking around, that he has not left this planet, probably before he's truly trying. Interesting things to pick up. as you enter the building, you are perhaps disappointed to notice as the fragrant sweet air of the outdoors is replaced with stale, circulated, familiar air conditioning. Finally, I can breathe.

A lot about this building is familiar. There's wood-paneled walls. There's linoleum floors. There's shitty fluorescence. You feel like you're reporting for jury duty. Yeah. You're reporting for jury duty, Scrimble says. We do not feel like we have the right to enact significant punishment beyond the holding of Oliver.

Which is a punishment unto itself. That is literally a punishment on our planet. It's to hold someone for 10 years. Yes, it is definitely a punishment that hopefully when you hear about the crime, you will agree that it was at least fair until we could get him a trial, which you will be the jury for again. Okay, not guilty. There, I did it.

It's not quite that simple. See, we don't believe that we have the right to enact the kind of punishments that your grandson is potentially on the hook for, those being death, life imprisonment, complete wipe of memory, or partial mipe of offending incident. And in order to make that kind of judgment, we would need people from his home planet. Ideally, people that knew him had shared similar morals.

So the fact that you have come here is of great help to us. And it will be a great help to Oliver, depending on how you decide to go. Your grandson is a pilot for the IBS, as I'm sure you know. He is potentially responsible for the deaths of several aviara and many other non-Avira species. Well, I'm sure it was a misunderstanding or something. Well, he was acquitted by the IBS. You know what happened to me once was that this guy with only one arm, he killed my wife.

And then they thought I did for a long time. I'm so sorry to hear that. No, I mean, she was my fourth wife. It wasn't, you know. Oh, not that big a deal then, I guess. Anyway, your grandson was acquitted by the IBS for presumably obvious reasons in being an ace pilot. But he is yet to face a truly impartial jury. And as someone who is killed members of our species, we feel he deserves an impartial jury.

without a conflict of interest. So you are that jury. We don't have a conflict of interest? Yeah, I kind of... You're not about to. You will hear the facts of the case, and independent of your connection to Oliver, you will determine his fate.

Only humans with a similar sense of justice to Oliver could possibly sit in judgment of him. Now, you asked, how can you be impartial? Simple. You will not know who you are judging. He has been placed within a holographic diving suit that completely obscures all of his features. But we know it's him now.

We know it's him. We already told him. She should play along. But, you know, we're all. Old and bold people we forget. We forget all the time. You're scamps, I see. You're all just little scams.

Says the man who took all my money. Says the man who received your gifts. Yes, I understand how weird what I'm saying is sounds right now. But no, if you consent to this process, you will not know who you are judging, and you will see if only the plain facts of the case completely devoid of any spin or any undue context. If you consent, you will all have your short-term memories removed. You will awaken within the courtroom with no memory. of how you got there or whom you were judging.

And this is the only fair way to ensure a punishment for your grandson, taking your morals, but extracting the context of you knowing who he is. If you refuse, we will have no choice, but hold him indefinitely. Ralph is pacing back and forth and scratching his head. He says, boys, I've spent a lot of time

thinking about what the ins and outs of a sort of galactic justice system might look like in terms of how it would play out in a science fiction environment. And I've got to say this is pretty airtight. This is pretty good. I never thought that maybe this is pretty,

they've really done their homework here. I trust myself to judge fairly. I trust myself too. And I trust myself to know that probably Oliver didn't do anything that was a big deal. What if he did? What if we go in there

and then we like throw the book at him? I don't think I will. Hey, you're saying we're going to lose our short term memory after this? Yes. No, no, no, but we get back. That's a joke.

That's a joke. That's a joke. That was a pretty good, Frigg. Thank you. I mean, if that's the only option, how you doing? If we rule not guilty and then Oliver gets to go.

Yes. And then the problem solved. How many feathers is that worth, huh? None. That's just sort of the way the law works. Compensation from the state. Well, you will get compensation in the form of lunch. Oh, that's great.

You will be determining both guilt or innocence and the punishment of the options I just gave you. So that's only if you consent to this. You need not consent to this, but we will probably hold them indefinitely until we can find a different group of humans to do. How was he been doing for 10 years? Oh, not well. Oh. Yeah, I think we should do this.

You do understand that the punishment for a crime is often to hold someone against their will. Yes, I do understand. You held him against his will before you judged him of a crime for a large chunk of his life. We have jailed. Where is the ethics in that? We have imprisoned him for a lesser charge of which the punishment is up to 60 years in prison, the charge of potentially killing members of our species. What the charge of potentially killing?

Because again, you get to decide whether he is guilty or not of that. But if he's not guilty, then it will have been, he will have been wrongfully imprisoned. No, he's definitely guilty at the lesser charge. What was the lesser charge? Parking tickets. Evading arrest. That hasn't seemed fair. It's like a real evading arrest if you were found.

I retract to the compliment I gave on your, I just, same problems all over, gentlemen. Obviously, whatever you want to do, Herb, I'm down. I'll do whatever you want to do. I just have two questions. First off, I guess this one's not as important, which is, I guess, you know, time served, like if he did get a punishment, like, if it was like, oh, he's got to serve 20 years, it'd be the 10 years counts towards that, right? Yes.

Okay. And then number two, I get, and we won't have any memory while we're judging. I'm not saying, I'm not accusing you guys of being unfair, but, you know, you've given us a little, at least from our perspective, culturally, we may not find this justice system fair. That's just a difference of opinion. Well, it is technically your justice system. Well, we don't do this. Yes, but fair. after we're done, will we get to see what we said?

Yes. Okay. And you remember this conversation. You know, trust but verify. I want to know what we said and what, you know. No, absolutely. You've actually been recorded since we entered this building and all of this footage of us having this conversation will also be available to use. You can have the full understanding of the context leading up to your decision.

Oh, Arb. Hi, Futurus. I have to believe that, you know, like I would be a fair and compassionate juror. Could I have a moment to confer with my friends in private? Take as much time as you need, please. Will this be recorded? Can I have a moment to confer in a non-recorded room with my friends in private? You can go outside, yeah.

Okay, let's go outside, let's go. The ultimate non-recorded room. Here's what I think. Oh, wait, there's a clock camera. God damn it. You beat to do it. That's got to be a granddad. That's definitely inspiration, right?

For sure, right? I roll the 13 perception. You guys? Anyone else want to do a perception to see? No, it's fine. I was literally just going to make that joke. Oh, okay. All right.

We just turn our backs to the flocking right. There's a little movie called Memento. Wherein? Or maybe he's such a film guy. He might know this. The main guy, short-term memory loss. So what does he do? He writes something on his body that'll help him.

So I say, and then I pull out my old man Swiss Army knife. Cool. One of us has to get Oliver is the criminal carved into our skin. Oh, Oliver, find. Oliver is the one on trial. We just, that way we can sneak. We sneak the message in with us. And then that way we know, I'm done with this system.

Frankly, I think the idea of 10 years pre-trial confinement is a moral outrage. And just, you know, Herb, I'm sure your boy's a good boy and I want to help them out. All right. Let's try it. All right. Who's going to get? You can tattoo me if you want. I pull my shirt off.

Oh, Dale, that's very kind of you. I mean, I've got a lot of stick and poke. I'm used to it. It's not big by, yeah, look at these. These are pretty cool. Oh, wow, this is a great. It's a lot of coral and, you know, I've been ripped up a bit. When does this QR code go?

That's crazy. You got a QR code tattooed. Yeah, I never been able to figure out how to use it. I got it. I really don't know what it goes to. What's one? This one says golden palace.com. Why did you get this one?

I don't know. They offered it. Make it as short as possible. Just put like Ollie on trial. Okay, all right, here we go. And I'm going to try to carve into his skin, Ollie on trial. Go ahead and roll Constitution. I don't know.

Where do you think is the most likely for us to find it? Put it on his leg so that his leg will bleed and we'll see a little bit of blood underneath his pants and we'll be like, what the fuck is going on? And then he'll take off his pants and then we'll see it. Ali on trial. Allie on trial. All right, here we can do my thigh if you want. That'll definitely hurt more than the other options.

But I think you're right. I think that's the best option. All right. Well, I'm going to do it just south of this fun crab you got tattooed here with the sunglasses. Oh, wow. The margarita. I take off my pants and my underwear. I open up.

And I hold my thigh. You open up. I mean, I open up my legs. I can get to my thigh. I will say, you know, if you want to do the ding-dict.

It's very clever. That you. It's very good. Hey, it was funny for the first 10 years and I regret it a little bit. But, you know, it's a conversation starter. Not starter.

It's not the first thing. spring up. Holy shit, good catch. Wow. You get an inspiration too, fun. All right, I'm going to try to carve Ollie on trial into his leg underneath the fun crab with sunglasses and a margarita. I think you just probably do.

Is that medicine? The skill of your medicine check will determine how much H.P. damage he takes and the cleanliness of the cuts. Okay. I almost got a natural 20. You have three. Okay, so it's garbage. It doesn't look like any letters.

Oh. And he's bleeding a lot more. you would hope. I thought it was just to do the HP damage. Go ahead and give me 2D6. How much you hurt me? All right. And 8 HP.

Okay. Took off 8. You have 8 HP. It is readable if you clean the blood away, but right now it's just bleeding. Oh, dear. Oh, boy. Oh, geez. So we have anything we can bandage this up with?

Underwear, and I put my tight underwear on. You roll medicine, Dale. A 10. A 10 is going to staunch the bleeding for now, but it will continue to bleed later, which, incidentally, is what you want. All right. Okay. Great. All right.

That, um, Ralph, that really hurt. It's, it's for our friend. No, I know, I know.

Look, I'm a writer, but I'm not, I don't know, I'm not, I'm not, that's not my trade. More like cutting a fish,

more like cutting a fish and sawing bread next time. You know, like a smooth. Well, look at this, but look at this plate. We didn't have time to sharpen it. It's fair enough.

It's fair. It hurt. That's your truth. Own your truth. All right. Speaking of owning a truth. Let's go lie. Go lie.

So you head back into the room is there templing his fingers he goes have you made his fingers? Sorry he's templing his wing tips He's timidens over here Holy shit He's template his teeth no one of his feathers The end feathers like there's one way they have little

fingers hiding in them that's awful Fingers hiding in them That's canon but it's awful they call them their wingers They're wingers That's why he's sampling his wings My little wingers Scribbles wings That's why they call him scribbles

He's the only one with these And so they call him Scribbles They don't know what fingers are They call the baby Hey, that one's got... They know what fingers are. They don't have big kids.

What are those weird little scripples you got there? That's why chicken fingers are a thing. Chicken fingers? Yeah, like we know that chickens have fingers, so we eat them. But like if they were wingers, we would call a chicken wingers, then we'd be uncomfortable. Oh, fingers. Little chicken fingers.

So he's templing his appendages as you come in. And he goes, has the decision been reached? Yeah. We are consent to be. being a part of your trial system. Actually, you make a good point, Freddie, unfortunately. Give me a persuasion or a deception roll,

Dale. Oh, my age is catching up with me. Actually, because you're old, do it with advantage, because, yeah, that would track. Yeah. 16 plus one. That's even before my advantage, motherfucker. Natural 20. Okay. Yeah, you've got 16 and a 20. They definitely do not see it. I'm like,

Willie Wonka. Oh, yeah. You hit the granny, you do a roll and stand up. Why is he a little bit? I go, we. Scrimbles is like, And it starts clapping. Is that worth anything? That is a sphere of blood on the ground.

You know, my God. That is worth my undying appreciation. That was such a delightful entertainment. I'll come up with something entertaining to do after you get out of the jury. That would be great. It would be very entertaining. It was if you left our money in a fun place for us to find. Like a little game.

Like a scavenger hunt. That's fun. And then it was in our pocket the whole time. But now that you know about it. But we won't. So maybe I'll do it or maybe I won't. Okay. That's hard to do it.

Now, if you would head into the preparation room, that is where you will be scanned and where you will be affected by a short-term memory gas that will basically erase the last 24 hours, perhaps. Oh, man. We all got so close. We got so close on the trip. We told each other so many things. I know. You know what? It's just another chance for a rediscovery next time we chat again.

Yes, yes, yeah, that's good. And you're a chaperone in the ship isn't coming in, so he'll, you know, remember. He can remind you. Yeah, we don't like John. Can I use the bathroom real quick? Okay. Ralph goes into the bathroom and takes out his knife and writes, Abala is up dog on his carps it off to his side.

So that even if he gets erased or no, Apollo is up dog. Okay. Okay. Okay. You've all peed. You've all done number ones and teams. You don't even know what we did.

Scrimbles ushers you into a darkened room with sort of a glowy like fucking black light looking thing on one. wall. It goes, okay, the scan will commence, and then you will get your gas. You're sure you want to do this. Let's go! Okay. So he closes the door, and the thing scans

you... How big's my ding-dong? And you see... You needed to tell you. I needed to tell you. I'll believe you, man. Whatever you say, I don't believe you. It just is fine. And you see, basically, your diagnostics

in front of you, like, so almost mirrored. And much like the scanners at the airport, it just kind of removes your clothes. Whoa. And so you can see that you have a bandaged wound on your thigh. And unless you didn't bandage yours, Ralph. Oh, yeah, I think I probably, like, put some paper towels on it. You both see that you've been bandaged.

Yeah. And the scan stops for a second. And you hear scrimbles go, Would you mind just very quickly removing the bandage? I don't have to ask because I could just scan. Oh, yeah. bleed out, man. No, that's okay.

Okay, I'll just scan. No, I say, yeah, I'll take, I mean, it's bleeding a little bit, but yeah, if you need me to take it off to scan. Yeah, we just need to make sure that you haven't. I'll take mine off. You see, we both got tattoos that say Apollo is updog. We got the same one, and you can see it right here, and that's what they say. But Dales is deeper, you know, so.

Yeah, it's just the doctor said he can't take it off or it'll ruin the tattoo. Roll deception. There's the natural 20. That's crazy. Yeah. It's just a sort of inside joke. Yeah, we can give you one after the... What is Upala?

Not much. What's up, Paula, with you? That's delightful. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm gonna forget that I did this. That's delightful. No, why? Well, no, you won't because it's gonna be on...

I might use that one on you when you come back to the show. No! No, couldn't you tell us that he did that afterwards? I could. As a treat, man. You know what? That's my gift to you. I would prefer the money.

That's, I would really prefer the money back. Can we get the money back instead? I understand that you would prefer that. Yes. And I would like... Here comes the gas. Okay. You don't see it.

It's invisible, but you hear that some sort of gas being pumped into this room. Much like when you get knocked out for surgery or for whatever, there's no like, suddenly there isn't anything there. And we awake. And you awaken and you are back in the lobby. It's like you don't remember even really going. You feel a little bit groggy. And Scribbles is there going, you did great.

That was wonderful. What was wonderful? It was over. You did it. We must have gotten our brain shocked, man. Oh, you have the right to obviously watch the video if you'd like to see what happened. What happened? What happened? Oh. What?

What? When and then what? Well, first of all, Upala is a trick for up dog. Okay. What? What are we? What is happening? The gift has been given and we are now even.

You know, nothing else doesn't matter. You're good. Go ahead and watch. And he walks up to what looks like a painting, but he just presses a button on the side. It turns out it was a monitor. Oh my God. And it plays the following. Now, listener, what you were about to hear is something that I had the dads, the granddad's, record in February.

And I gave them no context whatsoever. I said, hey, we're going to record something. I might use it. I might not. So everything you're about to hear up until Scrimbles talks again is the daddy's basically recording with genuinely no idea what was happening and with no context beyond what is given. in the actual clip you're going to hear. This is my attempt at trying to replicate what it's like to have your memory moved. Everything you're going to hear is, I think, probably more or less unedited, you were going to hear what that scene was. Enjoy.

Awake. Groggy. Room is bright, smells vaguely like bleach. Sour taste in your mouth. Are we all together? Yes. Chloracin lights in the ceiling, stiff carpet under your feet. You sit in an almost comfortable wooden chair. Muzak is playing. Muzak. The walls are an inoffensive gray white. The room is just small enough to feel uncomfortable. You feel like you might be at the DMV. Hey, hello everybody. Wait, you said it we feel like we might be at the DMV? It's got the vibe of like a DMV.

Oh, yeah, that's right. The DMV I must have taken the nap. At the other end of the room is a screen. Oh, I forgot my glasses. Next to the screen is a glowing translucent holding cell. Inside the cell is what looks to be a massive misshapen diving suit with shoulders too big, arms too long, and legs too thick and stubby to fit human anatomy.

Its head is pointed at the floor. You do not remember how you got here. How did I get you? What on earth? Oh, fellas. We're all here together. Hey, we're all here. Then a voice comes from a speaker in the ceiling.

Ah. You are the jury. The defendant awaits your verdict. The diving suit looks up at you. It's massive hands, tightened it a fist. Well, for what? The charge is causing 98 deaths and 379 injuries. You hear the scrape of metal on metal as the diving suit's fists get tighter.

Are we in prison? I think we're the jury explicitly. Excuse me, voice. Yes. How come I don't remember where I was? To remove any opportunity for bias or context of manipulation. I don't like that guy. Can I go home?

I don't like... My wife died in a diving suit. Oh, dear you should be nullified. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick. I need to go home. I inherently distrust anyone in a diving suit.

That makes me biased. It's too late. You have already consented. Okay. We should do it. This is a good opportunity. This is our galactic civic duty. Yeah, I've been done in a long time.

Everyone's always trying to get out of jury duty, but it's, you know, it's a hell's a but this is how the system works. Be the jury you wish you had if you ever were in a situation. I like that. I don't know if I'd be in a situation of killing 93. You've literally told us you killed a person. Okay. Computer.

So let's hold on a computer. I'm a guy on a megaphone. You're not a computer. No. Outline details of case. Summarized for me. Summary or witness testimony will not be necessary as all events were cataloged by a recording

which I will show you now. Okay. For context leading into recording, the defendant was in pursuit of an entity. suspected of detonating a bomb abort him. Yes? Where is the bathroom? You went before you came in here.

Sorry, defendant, which is the defending is the diving suit guy. Yeah. Okay, was pursuing somebody. An entity suspected detonating a bomb aboard a luxury start cruiser. Suspected. Yes. An image of the entity, which looks to your eyes like a humanoid robot, appears on the screen. The image then shifts to depict what looks to be a cockpit dash cam in pursuit of a ship.

A subtitle reads defendant cockpit recording. The fleeing ship heads toward a hexagonal space station and screams into the hangar bay, deploying its flaps at the last second and skidding across the metal floor. It crashes into another civilian ship. As the defendant's ship, the one that we're in for the dash camp, enters the hangar bay at a considerably lower velocity, the heads-up display tracks and magnifies the suspected bomber as it flees the hangar into the belly of the space station.

Do you understand so far? We're watching diving suit guys ship. He's pursuing this bomb, and it went into a hangar. The bomber ran into the space station. promenade from the hangar bay. Ah, okay. We hear tinny distorted audio, thankfully subtitled with the label Defendant. Bomb making heading into civilian station.

A different voice, subtitled and labeled Control, responds, Pursue. Defendant. Look at the size of this hangar. There's got to be hundreds of organics in there. Control. Further justification for your pursuit. Defendant. You ever hear the earth saying needle in a haystack?

Control. Continue pursuit on foot. Defendant. Silly phrase. Easy to find a needle. in a haystack, we hear the flipping of switches in an audible wine, which gets higher and higher in pitch. Defendant. You just burn the haystack.

The high-pitched wine reaches a fever point and suddenly, bong. Pretty cool guy. The footage goes staticky for a minute. The camera shakes. Through the window of the cockpit, we see several organics fall to the ground clutching their heads. Control. You fired your sonic concussion cannon? Defendant.

Bomb maker's a bot. He'll be the only one not writhing in pain on the floor. The cockpit opens and footage seamlessly cuts to what a subtitle on screen labels, defendant helmet's camera. Control. Sonic concussion cannons are only to be used in space. If used in an enclosed atmospheric structure, the effect is amplified. The defendant runs to follow the bomb maker into the heart of the space station. As the defendant takes long leaping strides across the hanger over prone people, it looks downward for a moment. The people, one humanoid, one avian, seem to be clutching their ears, which are pouring blood. Defendant. What the? The defendant runs into

the space station promenade. The robot bomb maker is upright and fleeing, but the dozens of people in the robots wake are all on the ground, bleeding from the ears, screening and pain. Defendant. Oh, oh, fuck. The footage cuts out. The speaker in the ceiling comes to life once again. Please render judgment. Guilty, not guilty, or nullification.

I've got a question. Yes. Where did this footage come from? There is a cockpit camera and there is a camera mounted on to the helmet. Okay. And who has access to the footage once it's captured by the cameras? Jane of, what's it called? Custody.

Custody. Chain of evidence. Chain of custody, yeah. Evidence. The cameras do not turn off, so we have a pretty consistent track record over here. You see everything he does? You see everything those plate things are. And from the moment this video started to us receiving the evidence, it did not seem like there had been any tomfoolery with footage. We like to cross-examine this guy.

You cannot. I feel like I know the way I'm going to vote. But you guys will know where I'm going with this. Do we get lunch? You will get lunch even if you make your verdict now. Oh, even if we make a verdict now? You will get lunch no matter what. If we do multiple days here, if it takes a long time, do we get lunch?

No, you only get one lunch. Only one lunch? Yeah. What does the defendant say? The defendant is not allowed to speak. Well, but certainly he was cross-examined. His speech is irrelevant. Oh, does he claim?

The only thing that is relevant in this court are facts. Somebody can lie to you, and that is therefore me. No, I just want to know, does he deny that he shot it or he's just saying that it was justified. That's what I'm trying to. understand. He did not enter a saying with that degree. No, is this, and this man is some manner of law enforcement and I take it, what with the pursuing

and the bringing to justice? This is the kind of context that you need to be independent of when making this decision. Well, but, I mean, you can't. I mean, there's pretty clear. You can't be bereft of context in all things. Well, but in the context of we're only going to get one lunch. So, yeah, that's going to affect things. There's no, it's preposterous

just you can't divorce things from context. Speaking of which, I think we'd all think a little better. If we got lunch now, I forget a little lunch now, please. Okay. Panels open up on the floor and little tables come out with what seemed to be like TV dinner trays, but they just have different colors of like gloop in each of the different sections. I got gloop.

What did you get? I got gloop too. How much sodium is in this? Enough and not too much. Oh, that's perfect. You were all medically scanned before entering the jury room. How's it going in there? Yeah.

Am I okay? That is context. You do not. our choir. Oh, no. Please render judgment. Guilty, not guilty, or nullification. Oh, what's nullification?

Nolification is if you believe that the charge itself is unjust. I got to just imagine. I go on cruise ships all the time if somebody laid a bomb. People are just having the best time on cruise ships. What the worst, the worst place you could put a bomb? In the height of their existence. I'm with you, Dale.

I'm going to vote that the accused is guilty. Yeah, he still killed people. That's not good. This whole system of justice is deeply flawed on many levels. I agree. I think the whole system is guilty. How do I vote that? That would be nullification.

I can't make a choice with this lack of any information. We don't know. I know. And it's almost like you can't fix the system from inside the system. Yeah. And for that matter, I just, I find this whole thing. We've been dragooned in something. Who are you, sir? What is your name? You volunteer to be a part of this process.

You consent to this. Can I see my consent for him? Oh, that's a good question. I will show you your consent form, yes. And the panel retracts the food and then brings up all the form. Oh, no, no, done with that. They'll come back. The panel is not the only, it'll be fine.

The table comes back up, and this time it has forms with your signatures at the bottom, signatures that you recognize. Nullifying is nice because it kind of passes the buck, and then we don't have to really think about it. And Dale. And I'm just saying that's good vibes all around, maybe. It's all bad vibes. So, yes.

Don't forget, Dale. You nullify, but we still come out ahead. Because we got lunch. What is he being charged with? What is the charge? Multiple counts of manslaughter. Nightwagent manslaughter. Nenslaughter.

Alternately, as part of your nullification, you could change that to a second-degree murder charge. I don't want to put more on the guy. Yeah. All right, yeah, I feel like he's pretty guilty. I'm satisfied. All right. Got my lunch back.

Yeah, here comes to lunch. Nicely rewarmed it. We take care of our jury. You've rendered guilty. Oh, no. Oh, no, I know what this is. Please render punishment. Oh, no.

Oh, no. It's going to be one of our kids. Death, life imprisonment, memory wipe of offending incident, or total memory life. Memory wipe. If we all did this for a reason, it's probably because we must know the defendant. We must know a little defendant. What if it was me? What did they bring up my own jury?

How do you think of this 10 seconds ago, Dale? I don't know. I wasn't because I wasn't hungry. I said not to do this until I ate. I just got a sheeting. I'm thinking good. Yeah, because say right now we do memory wipe of the incident, then we don't know in the future and the present that we did this in the past. No, no, it's memory wipe for the defendant.

We're not the defendant, maybe. Oh, maybe, or one of our grandkids is and then we can help them forget what they did. Or maybe we change it. We meant that they're only too guilty of having too much of a good time. I think we vote for memory wipe of the incident. If you do something bad, you should learn from it, though. Maybe total. Maybe total. We wouldn't.

Total. Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold on. I know. I just said it. You're right.

You're right. The sentence includes just they forget that they did it. Correct. That's pretty wild. That seems like you don't learn anything that. But then we could tell, wait. It has been argued in the past that it is more. Wait.

By some smart people, eh. Wait. They can forget, but then we can remind them. And still teach them the lesson. Seems like maybe they were off. I don't know. Tell me that I did something. that I didn't do.

And maybe I'll believe it. Maybe I won't. Okay. You can send it to this. You consented to this. I don't know. I say, look, given that, as you're a good point that maybe we are, we don't know who's involved. I mean, I wouldn't vote for, I don't believe in the death penalty person.

So I wouldn't vote for death. He seemed pretty not stoked. But he did say that cool line right before. That's true. But this is just kind of like the time where I couldn't remember anything. So I started getting tattoos all over my body to start reminding me. me a thing and then it ends up I kind of did the whole thing that it was supposed to remind me of and I wish I had forgotten it. You know what I mean?

Look, for me, even for this situation, life in prison feels like, I don't believe it even, like, they feels like a person that could be rehabilitated because like they were in the, their intentions were good. They were trying to do something to help people. I don't want that person. But they screwed up. I agree. They screwed up. They should. They should learn a lesson from what they did. But I don't think they're going to learn. I'm not saying there's a good option. I'm just saying I don't think that person should be dead. I vote an entire wipe of this entire justice system. No, that's not an option.

Memory white. I wish it was. I vote for the memory wipe because maybe then they'll make a different choice that is better and they can become a better person. I vote for memory wipe of just a specific incident. To me, wiping somebody's entire memory is no different than death. I'm very scared of it. I just me. Hey, well, I'm just scared.

Hey, at my age, I'm worried about that. A vote will be taken individually. Oh, great. You will say either death, life imprisonment, memory wipe of incident, or total memory wipe. I do memory wipe of incident. Dale, you are voting for memory wipe just of incident. Yes. Her.

Total memory wipe. What? Well, hey, you still... I vote memory wipe of the incident. I vote memory wipe of incident. And a high five. Memory wipe of offending incident has been chosen. Commencing memory wipe.

No, high five. Well, wait. And then everything goes dark. The video taps off and Scribbles turns to you and says, So as you see, you did a great job as a jury. Jump in Giosafat. There is one very, very, very important thing you must remember. If at any point he hears about, learns about as an inkling as to what he did,

his mind will burn. Oh, no. We have sequestered the memory as best we can. We can't fully destroy memories, but we sequestered it. But the energy it takes to do that, if that barrier gets broken, it will consume his mind and he will die. But nice to know that before we did the sentencing. It is still honest to the sentence, which is he loses memory of the event.

Yeah, but I would have done a lot different if I had known it was him. Yeah, that's exactly why we took your memory. Thank you. Yes, thank you. But we didn't know what the sentencing was. You can't. The jury, there's a difference between you can't be like. Unfortunately, it's already been done.

Well, sure. I understand that. I can still be mad about it. Yes, of course, of course. So I'm just saying. Can we just see him? Can I see him? Yes, no, he's on its way out right now.

You can take him. I don't understand why the tattoo thing didn't work. Dale, why didn't you check the wound on your leg? How often do you check your thighs while you're in a jury room? That's such a specific question. Why didn't we think about this before we walked in? It was a bad idea when we did it. That's all it is.

And we're just jump starting. We're just jumping right to us seeing it was a bad idea. Guys, we don't need to fight, you know. No, I'm not fighting. I'm just saying it was part of my idea too. It was a bad idea. I'm frustrated that I didn't work. No, don't say that about my friend.

It was a good idea. Okay, it was a good idea. It just didn't work out. It just didn't work out. It seems like it wasn't a good idea because it didn't work. Sometimes you do everything, you know, like you think you're doing the right thing and it just doesn't end up right and things go wrong. Like with Oliver.

You're like when you wanted to wipe his whole memory, that would have been pretty bad, huh? I didn't know. I mean, I just, I'm just saying there are worse things, you know? It does kind of seem like deep down you feel like that's what should have happened to him, though, you know? I know, it's like I was thinking about him. I didn't know it was him, but I was thinking, I didn't. If I had done something like that, maybe it would be better to start over, you know?

Well, we have a chance. Sounds like all things considered, Oliver is coming back to you. Yeah. And we can't take back those 10 years, but, I mean, it could have been worse. Yeah. And we just have to be really careful now. We got to get him off this planet. Yes, can't let him be on this planet.

Well, we need to come up with a cover story so that he doesn't question things. Yeah. Oh, like, why he was here in the first place? Like, why is he in the first place? I have a question for our bird friend. Yes. Can we tell him that there is a memory and if he remembers it, his head will explode? No.

So we can't even let him know that he was punished in this way. Does this work? Just brainstorming it seems like you understand this technology better. Obviously, he's going to be on this planet. He knows he was a pilot. No, he will be given a cover story as to why he was kidnapped. Oh, so he's gotten a cover story of what's happened. So you guys have already done the work like he got injured and knocked out and was in a coma or whatever.

So you've already done that way. It's literally exactly that, yes. He was in a coma. That's great. That's a great. That's a great cover story. Yeah, can you give us that cover story? So we're all on the same page.

Yeah, of course. I'll give you all the files and everything. He'll come out with them. As far as he's concerned, he is leaving the hospital having just awoken from a coma. Okay. I'm usually pretty chill, but we are all doing homework. We are reading this cover story. You got it.

Nonstop. And we are making sure we all understand it. And we think it because we can't let your grandson know. This is the last we even speak. Can't let me know what? Grandpa! Oh, so you see what looks to be a 50-year-old, but very hand. some like fucking silver fox ass 50 year old open his arms and just run at you with a massive

smile in his face. Ollie is so fucking excited to see you and he just picks you up in a hug. I can't tell you how much I miss you. That's a good line. Hey, thank you so much for picking me up. He told me family who's going to be giving for me. I didn't know it was going to be you. Uh, yeah, it's me.

It's in the flesh. Yeah, I guess it's been a while since you. Yeah, lots, well, not that much. It's changed. I'm still, you know, I'm still going on 50 years now without doing too many curses. I'm pretty good on that. So, you know, 50 years. That's really something, man.

I know. How are you doing? It's only been, what, a couple months since we last saw each other? I guess, yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, my mind is blown. I mean, I'm really shocked at how much you've changed and how much you haven't changed. Let's get out of here. Yeah, please.

Where do we take you? Yeah, like, I'm sorry about your injury. Yeah, I guess you could take me back to really any. IBS base and as he says that you see scrimbles behind him doing the like no no no like cutting the throat gesture maybe not hi i'm i think we met a couple months ago i saw well i mean i don't really remember but i context this reminds me lila's grandfather lie oh okay yeah yeah yeah um you know how you were lost they're all lost we got go get aha right oh okay so if you wouldn't mind coming along with us right now i mean we also have to stop with the sba rk and all and all that's still going on

and you know we that we got to figure that out that that's that That's another thing, right? That's another problem where we're having right now. That seems pretty urgent. And again, I very much want to see my sweet granddaughter, but that is a sort of ticking clock that we need to deal with. Ralph's more locked in what we're supposed to do than I am. So I'm going to let him explain.

So we should. I fill him in as best I can about the situation with the war with the spark and the situation with Al and that we last heard that once we were dropped off on the planet, that they were going to head towards the spark. and that we need to make all due haste to stop that from happening. We need to figure out a way to stop that from happening. That's still the problem that we're having right now. So he says, wait, so he left before you,

which means he would have gotten here before you, like by maybe months, years. We didn't think about that. We should have been touching all the people to make sure they weren't that hive mind. Scrimbles slaps himself on the forehead with his feathers and says, I thought that might have been related, but it didn't occur to me to tell you until just now.

I'm so sorry. And what related? Well, there was a stranger who came in about six months ago and said to let him know when you guys showed up. Well, yeah, that makes sense. That would be relevant to us. And you didn't let him know, though, right? Scrimbles, that's such a fucking oversight. I didn't personally notify him, but our security guy had like an alert thing set up.

So yes, he is. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to give you all the money to send a message to not do that. No, please keep it. Whatever you've got, it belongs to you. What a nice guy. I could never take that from you. We need to get out of here then.

So you're saying that this guy knows that we're here right now? Yes, he's on his way as far as I know. Okay, all right. All right. Well, although I guess we mean, this is a confrontation that we want to have at some point, right? We want to get out. Yeah. But on our own terms.

Is that the stranger over there? That's the drinking fountain. No, I point past him. And he turns around and looks. Okay. I'm going to cast a slead of hand and steal my money back. Okay. Go ahead.

Gotta get my cash. Roll side of hand? 19. Plus two. Plus two? You get it all back. He doesn't notice as your hands dexterously enter his downy, downy fluff and pull out fistfuls of credits. Fuck scrimals.

Ollie looks at you guys and says, well, hold on. We need to get the ship back from him, don't we? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We have to get the ship. We have to get out. You were hurt. And so we want to be careful. If you guys get me a fighter jet or something, I could just shoot the ship down.

Oh, no. We don't want to shoot the ship down. down to our friends in it. I can disable it. So there's this thing that fighters, I mean, my fighter must be here if I crashed, right? And he looks at scrimbles and scrimbles. No, it's probably crashed. Oh, I got a poop. It's got a son. What? Okay. Okay. Yeah, you go poop. No. We got two.

Me too. I've got to go. I've got to go. We all have to. You need to help. We need you to help. We need you to help. Yeah. No, no. We need a help. Don't think about the plan. We need My help? Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, whatever you need. I can, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, let's go. What a good grandson. Okay, I can't let him help me because I have the thing on my thigh. That's right. Oh, fuck. But I feel like, you know, one second, we can't let him think about if you start thinking about the plan. If his plan is to be a fighter pilot stuff, he's going to think about the fighter pilot

stuff. Just to clarify, Oliver can never be a fighter pilot again, essentially, right? It's just because dangerous. It is very dangerous. Hypothetically, he could keep doing it. But if, if, he's, you know, he could keep doing it. But if he ran into anybody from the IBS, they would probably tell him what happened. Or if he accessed the files on the IPA servers, he would probably find out what happened. And he was just explained to use the same sort of mechanism that he used. Yes. Which also the other thing to think of is he doesn't know that kills people.

So as far as he's concerned, that's still a viable strategy. If he does it, it won't fuck up his memory. He'll just do the same thing again and kill a lot of people that he shouldn't have killed. But this time, he'll get away with it. Yeah. But his brain will explode because of why I remember it. Yeah, somebody would probably catch me and be like, hey, this is the second time you've done He's like, whoop!

Second time. What did they tell him happened? We got a file, right? Yes. So, yeah, on the way to the bathroom, might frantically flip through the file. So the file basically says that he was pursuing a potential spy for the luminous, and he lost a dog fight, got shot down, landed on avia,

and was basically unconscious and in a coma, and the next thing that he experienced was waking up in a hospital bed. Okay. All right. So, hey, Ollie, now that I've done my business, Yeah. I can think a little more clearly, sorry. Oh, that was quick.

You didn't really need my help at all. Well, he does kegles. Yeah, yeah, it was a false alarm. He moves too fast. Yeah, yeah, very fast. I don't have that problem. So anyways, I can help anybody. I'm not, you know.

I appreciate how much you're helping, but just know a lot of stuff's changed in the last 10 years, like tech-wise and flying wise. Well, yeah, I know. I've been in the world for the last 10 years. Well, not really for the last 10 years. But, you know. In your coma. So why don't you just follow us along? We'll try to download you.

on what's going on and, you know, maybe listen more than think right now. Sure. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Take it away. He's your grandson. Take it away. Yeah. We're going to try to get our ship back from the Luminace.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We get in mine? Your ship, no. Because he doesn't know that I have a ship, probably. So you guys could distract him with your ship. Didn't you crash? You crashed. Yeah. I didn't think of 10 years to repair it. They repair.

We got new ships. We got a new ship? Oh, great. I'm sure it'll be way more advanced than whatever I'm used. We're going to go buy a new ship. Yeah, we're going to buy, yeah. We got our money back. It's down this shop, baby.

Roll me a deception. Or persuasion if you actually do plan on buying him a new ship. I mean, yeah, we need a ship. Yeah, I mean, you're sure. You've got the drop ship. Oh, we'll just say that's our ship. Yeah, we got to do ship. No, I'm saying for the purposes of ambushing him,

I, an ace fire pilot, if I don't mind myself saying so, it gives you like a fucking Tom Cruise wink. Chewing. Chewing is guy. chewing his fucking gun with a pen in his hand. Oh, yeah. Putting his sunglasses on. Oh, fuck.

That's kid's cool as hell. I tap herb on the shoulder. Herb. Yeah. It pains me to say this, but I think you gotta clip this kid's wings. He listens to you. He looks up to you.

You got to convince him that he can never do this again. It's the only way to keep him safe. You're going to have to convince him that he can't fly, that he should never fly again. You're the only one here capable of breaking his heart that hard. But like not, he'll have to do it like right, right, right, right, right. He kind of do needs to do it right now because he needs to do it right now,

because he needs to not fly. So I think... Yes, but you can come up with reasons he's been grounded. The doctor's note says, you know, no, don't fly in. Oh, that's good. That's good. Doctor says he can't fly. I'm not saying it punted entirely, but start making moves in that direction.

I agree with... The more lies you tell right now, the more you're going to have to explain later. That's all I'm saying. But we will follow your lead on this because this is your grandson. You know him better than anybody. But you need to convince him that he should never be a pilot ever again. Because it's too risky. Okay.

Oliver. Yeah. Okay. Hey. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. I'm totally fine.

Did you find Mets? No. I didn't. But I've actually been really Kiel. I was worried about you, though. You were so good about taking them.

Well, yeah, it wasn't a problem. When I was with the IBS, they gave me men. I get, you know, I don't know if it counts when I'm in a coma.

But yeah, now I've stayed compliant with mine. I just, should we grab a prescription before we had out? Yeah, that'd be great. But while we're getting line or, you know,

we'll go to the pharmacy or whatever. And then, you know, speaking of the illness, as we say, you remember when I was a math teacher at that high school, and then I thought that the numbers were speaking to me, and I just really went off the deep end that year, and it was really hard on me and my family, blah, blah, blah, blah. Basically, the moral of that story was that I couldn't be a math teacher anymore, because the numbers, they're always going to speak to me if I'm a little off keel. And so I knew that I had to make that sacrifice of that part of my life. to go forward.

You know, you remember that? Yeah, I know what you're referring to, yes. Yeah, sorry, he's so smart. What I'm getting at is, um... Let's get into a more urgent line. I think maybe this is... Sorry, excuse me, I'm so sorry. It's just he's...

Sorry, he just really needs these. He thinks he was in a beautiful mind. I don't need... You're talking fast! Yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Well, yeah, please keep going, yeah. I'm just, yeah.

Yeah, you need these too. No, no, I've been medicating me while I was under. So, like, but, yeah. I'm definitely getting some too. I need a refill, you know, on the way to, I don't know how long the flight's going to be back to the IBS base, whichever one's nearest. About that, yes. Okay. So when you got hurt, it was really bad, you know.

It was really, really bad. And the doctor said that it would be even worse. It would almost certainly kill you to fly anymore, like a plane or. a spaceship, anything. And it's just, your injuries would be exacerbated by it. And it's just not a good idea. And that's why I brought up the math teacher, the detour. But they didn't, they didn't tell me that.

Yeah, they thought, we got my files. Can we look through my file? I mean, does it say anything in there? They thought it would be better if you heard it from somebody that you love and who loves you. Because it's a tough. Seven. I mean, he's my advantage.

Go for it. Okay. Okay. 23. Whoa. Fuck yes. He goes, oh my gosh. Oh, no.

Tough break. Well, I'm glad you're the one who broke it to him. I guess it would have been weird from a doctor. And a bird doctor, no less. So which part of it was the, ladies, the G's? Can I not go into space again? Do I have to stay here? Like, what's the...

You can go into space again as long as, you know, like, you're with us or whatever. There's something about the neural load of flying and... the information processing and, you know, triggering traumatic memories. And then all, it's, it's something to do with a lot. Fragile brain cavity, I think they said something. So it is a little bit of hygiene. I think it even has really fast cars even. Oh my gosh.

And you shouldn't ride motorcycles, but that's, that's a separate. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I've always told you that. Yeah, no. I'm so sorry, son. I know that this is. They call them organ donors. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's really dark.

But yeah, that's true. I know that me comparing being a math teacher for a one. semester is not at all comparable to you being because you were you felt like you were you were yeah i've been doing this for 30 years yeah and i i don't want to bum you out but i just the reason you're here to pick me up is because i don't have any other family out here i just sort of did the job i was a fighter pilot full time i sort of put my whole soul into it and it was i was very very good at it And I'm just kind of now thinking like, what is there? If not that.

You made a very good point that I'm your only family out here. Yeah. And I think that for now, maybe family could be your thing until you find the next thing. And then your thing could be finding the next thing. Yeah, I guess I could stick with you and help you track down. Uh-huh. Sounds great. Then I can keep an eye on you and know that you're not doing anything.

Not doing what? Hurt your head? Sure. Yeah. And I can look at you and make sure you're on your meds. We can sort of take each care of each other's heads. Yes. Two heads are better than, I don't know.

Yes. Just know that whether or not you're a pilot, I'm very, very proud of you. and so it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you do or what you've done or what's ahead of you. I'm very proud of you. Thank you. I mean, it doesn't mean as much coming from me,

but I'm proud of you too, the fact that you came all the way out here and, you know, somebody of your age and I know this kind of been easy for you. Yeah, I mean, my knees and not what they used to be. Oh, yeah. I'm all, well, they have non-addictive pain pills for that here, so. Oh, that's great. Yeah, this place sounds great, like, you know, prescription-wise.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to go, I just need a second. to just sort of sit by myself. Yeah, absolutely, man, absolutely. But yeah, you know what to ask for. Yeah, I know. I know the, I know the stick. Okay. Yeah, I'm just going to be, I'm just going to be in lobby for a second. I'll get your prescription too. Don't worry, man.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you. And Ollie goes back into the lobby and he just sits down. I want to do a perception check on Ollie. You want to do perception insight? I guess this would be insights. Oh, natural 20. 24. Oh, okay. I'm just trying to clock. if he looks like he's about to do anything rowdy or impulsive.

From what you can tell, it hasn't hit him yet. He is still in the accepting slash denial phase of this massive, you know, it's too big to take in all at once. So he's processing. Okay. All right. Well, he's handling it better than Ashley handled his thing. So he's got that going for him. Oh, boy.

Okay. I'm going to still watch him. Was he watching around him? Because we're still like in the court. Yeah. No, I also want to. Okay. So everybody roll perception again.

Fuck! I'm looking for like a hurt member of what happened to him. Like running out to him like, you don't know what you did. Two. I got a 17. I got a 17. I'm watching carefully. And I got a five.

Okay. I got distracted by something. Herb and Ralph, you see a tentacled humanoid. Like just imagine human, but all their limbs are tentacles and their eyes in the center of their chest. You know, normal shit like that. Cool, cool, cool. So an octopus. So an octopus.

Yeah. Walking in with, like, ink spurting out of one of its tentacles, mumbling something, and you can't quite tell what it is. And it looks like it's going to try to sit down next to your boy. I swoop in and I say, hey there, friend. Hi. It says in an overly familiar voice. Oh, no. And then the eye very quickly, just for a second, shifts into the mask of the sculptor.

Oh, great. And it goes back and you almost get the feeling you've been winked at. And he goes, sounds like we have a lot. to talk about, he says, looking over at Ollie. So much for listening this week. Our podcast, In Jokes, Broke Containment on the What Is This Thing? Subreddit, someone posted a picture of the Patreon mug that just got sent out to people who pledged for three months or more at the touring tier and hire the title of the post,

Picture on a Coffee Cup. It features the original drawing we did in season three to build a homemade scarecrow in the bathroom of a 50s McDonald. User Uzi Osborne writes, I see a can of cat food dressed up as a human. The still attached lid is a picture of a face paperclip to it. And it says cat food. But don't take their word for it.

Hell and over to our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads to be reminded of this particular artistic travesty. This mug, by the way, is my new go-to because it has a very bad drawing. And underneath it says, this is going to work out great. You can get that mug. You can get a whole bunch of more stuff, bonus content, extra shows, add-free episodes, and more. And support this podcast directly to boot

at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Thank you to Daddy's fan, Pixie E.B, who identified the mystery item. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold is Dale Elliott. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Ralph Estuaryis. Beth May is Herb, the Worm. Quickly. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Ashley Birch.

Our theme song is conventional wisdom by Max and Waller. Anisa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Blood is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther else is our lead editor and Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. Shout out this week to our elite Patreon members. ambiguously green, Rachel Reisling, and Cassandra English.

And shout out also to Ellie Fuchsa, Longshore Coffee, Joshua Johnso, Talia Parsons, Emily B, Joanna L. Perkins, Michael Schoenberg, Callissa Martin, Scalio, Josh Heffernan, Tarrison, Sarah Penchorn, Kalan Zawaki, Toaster, Etienne Carrier, Max Friedman, and Dominique Robitaya. Support the show directly on Patreon, patreon.com slash dungeons and dads, Merchant more at Dungeons and Daggys.com and our next episode's going to be September 22nd. I'll see you then. That's a good YouTube

video. What? That's a good YouTube video. What is? It's going into yoga studios and asking them about Upward Dog for Upward Dog until I can get someone to And like, boom! And just running out.