Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 2 - Face Invaders

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

TRACTOR SUPPLY Answer & Win You've been selected to receive a free PREDATOR® 3500 SUPER QUIET™ Inverter Generator! To claim your reward, simply answer a few quick questions regarding your experience. Click OK to begin. START SURVEYThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. What's up, parents and teachers, and welcome to another episode of Keeping Up with the Kids. Today we're going to be tackling the new story on every tween's mind, the Sandemus Convention Center Kidnappings. During a semi-final e-sports, esports are like basketball, but on a computer, see description for my other video.

Fermi Paradox match. The Fermi Paradox is a scientific theory and also a video game. The entirety of the video games are like e-sports, but they aren't always sports. Sports are moving around, but with points. Team known as the Paradoxers was seemingly ripped from the convention center in an instant, along with the game's host, some random guy, and oddly the grandparents of the players. Grandparents are your parents' parents' parents. The last thing the remaining attendees remember was a man in a hazmat suit throwing something to the ground.

The next thing they knew, the rear wall of the conference room was all but destroyed, and the kids and their grandparents were long gone. Convention Center footage shows the crowd sitting completely frozen while the others left the building in quite a hurry. Some witnesses in the parking lot said they saw a station wagon lift into the air and ascend into space. But that sounds like bullshit. Bullshit was the original word for fake news. So if you see your kids suddenly stop and remain still with that explanation, don't worry. That's just a new fad called the Sandemus Freeze.

Remember to like and subscribe, and I'll see you right back here next week for a brand new video. Lil'Naz X and queer country. Queer is an okay word for gay again. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, or perhaps we should say grandpas and galaxies, a grand space paupera, About four gilts who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids and perhaps the entire universe. I got to say, best and true yet, in the process. Wow. This is a D&D 5E campaign with, is it an expansion?

What is it? I guess a conversion? The conversion is called dark matter. It adds sci-fi to D&D in case you're wondering what we're doing here. And my name is Freddie Wong. I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with a knee and Birch like the tree. Born in 64, I am the youngest. Boomer. If you were wondering how long

it took for that to get stuck in my head irreversibly, it was the second time you said, Ashley with a knee, Birch like the tree. Nice. My Jerry Factorick for this week, there's reference to That's Amazing. That's Amazing was a network television show that ran for many years on the ABC Network.

It's called That's Incredible. That's incredible. I was looking up kind of like this era because Ashley Birch is a former pro-Twin Galaxy's arcade gamer. trying to do Twitch streaming. And this was a show that existed. Oh my God, they really did the first video game world championship.

And it was directly quoted him in the previous episode. And it's also well known for being a show that like a five-year-old Tiger Woods went on to like putt. So it's like it was kind of a stable. He did the first no scope on. He did a 360 no scope. There was reference to what happens in the previous episode and the great embarrassment of why Ashley Birch is known as arcade faceplant guy on the internet. That was because during one of the competitions, he was about to win, and he faced playing himself on the arcade.

And to this day, the person he lost to, oh, Gordon Kwan, Shifty Gordon Kwan, he believes Gordon Kwan tied his shoelaces together or otherwise manipulated his shoelaces to make him trip and fall and lose face on national television. Now, how deep does the layers of historical fiction go? Is Gordon Kwan the real champion of the... No, no, no, no. Okay, so this is a fictional guy. A fictional guy. You can find on YouTube, they did in fact do like an arcade event.

And it doesn't know. They have to do a race. This is the part of them like, what do you do? So what they did was they, it was very Nick Arcade. They set up a bunch of arcade machines where it's like each one, they had to hit a score. Once they hit the score, they had to run to the next arcade machine. So it is kind of this weird, very early example of video games in television media. And it is, I think, notable because when you watch it, they set the high scores a little too high on some of the games.

And the commentators, they clearly record it later. They're just like, this is Centipede. And the goal of centipedes, he has to shoot. And they just are vamping, but they're clearly like, they don't care about video games at all. So it's just like normal 70s adults just vamping about arcade games. Fascinating watch for those of you interested in Internet Video Esoterica. Hey, everybody. I'm Matthew Arnold, and I play Dale Elliott, the World Cruise Live in X Life Guard.

Ex-Live Guard. Winner of one, father of four, grandfather of seven, and he hopes you're having a good time. And speaking of good times, you all know, and this is true, you all know Dale loves cheese. just loves it. Who doesn't? But he loves it. And one time, this is true. This is true.

You may not believe this. But one time, Dale stopped that poor tree, Scotland, an aisle of sky on the cruise, and he ate 38 cheeses in one sitting. Jesus. Was this after your wife died? Huh? Was this after Zelda died?

I hope so. He only started doing World Cruises when Zelda died. Okay, great. Yeah. So there's nobody in your fucking room having to deal with that ship for the rest of the night. Yeah. You have a little pineapple sticker on his cruise door? That'll be another fact.

You only get one fact. Damn. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos, and I play Ralph Estereus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. My fact about Ralph this week. You may have heard me mention a certain sci-fi series Ralph wrote with his wife called Teen Sex. Yes. Teen Sex.

Big Teen Sex. Teen Sex was about a group of plucky teenagers who turned into insects. The first boy you mean. named Gregor turns into a cockroach. I'm begging for us to consider an animorphs as poster of teen sex. Teen sects. That's what I'm saying.

Did animorphs exist in this world? There is a longstanding feud between Ralph and Cookie and the husband-wife team who created animorphs. Who ripped who off and we're not going to get into it. It's all pending litigation. There's a whole subbride of fans who keep saying, If you can just look past the name, you'll see that teen sex.

It's the superior young adult series with mature themes. It was half teenagers and half insects. Ralph's specialty was the bug stuff and cookie specialty was all the teen drama and romance. So he's been stuck on the finale, the final book. He's been writing it for five years. This is book. Oh, so this is like a Winds of Winter kind of situation. It's a kind of a winter situation.

This is book 57 in the Teen Sex series. And it's the first one he's been trying to write alone after Cookie. He hasn't been unable to finish it because he can't figure out or resolve this dang glove triangle between the roach and the grasshopper and the little grub. Whenever he has to write something other than bugs, he just freezes.

He doesn't know what to do. I don't get these kids. Why she was so much better with the kids. Once they weren't into bugs anymore, they lost interest in me. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Herb the Worm Quigley, a young at heart barbarian storytelling

grandpa who is losing the plot. Fun fact. Herb was talking to his grandson Oliver and learned the word and shittification, which he believes is the moment one realizes they must poop, but there is no poo infrastructure to be found nearby. He was also alive for Watergate. What are we going to learn why he's called the worm? Stay tuned.

That finds out. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your grandpa master. Hi, Grandma. This week's epic grab is, uh, Epicramph. Epic. Never try to change that day.

No, I'm not going to. I want to struggle with it the entire season. I'm not sorry. Here's the epigramph. If neither communication nor silence will work once you learn of my existence, you're left with just one option. And that is by Liu Shishin, the Dark Forest. Actually, Fred, can you look up this person's name?

How would I pronounce it? They're Chinese. This would be Liu Sishin. So yes, that quote is from Leo Shizjin. Oh, that. All right, listen. Listen. Listen.

Hold on. Hold on. We do have a gong in here. Listen, folks. Freddie Wong here. Oh, wow. Chinese American man here to just, I'm just going to. You can't ring the gong.

I want to formally officially, Dungeons and Daddy's official stance, let everyone off the hook. If you have not grown up, grown up speaking. a tonal language like Chinese good fucking luck you don't have it it's like asking someone to rip a saxophone solo who's never played a lick of music in their life that is a quote by that author I said

the writer of the three body problem trilogy specifically that comes from the second book like the Netflix movie yeah like the Netflix TV show show I don't know nobody nobody knows nobody watched it but anyway the basic idea of the dark fourth hypothesis because when you guys went into space your AI told

you that dark forest protocols were in effect. And the dark forest hypothesis, this is technically a real thing, and is actually kind of tied as one of the answers for a Fermi paradox. Can I guess? What? If a tree falls in the forest, but it's too dark to see, didn't really fall? That is not it. But I like the way you're thinking.

Isaac Asimov is in here with us. So the idea is all civilizations that exist in the universe are effectively hunters that cannot speak, they're mute, wandering through a forest and they have a loaded gun in their hands and they have their finger on the trigger. So if you're this hunter and you hear a twig snap next to you, there are only two options. It's either a wolf who is going to kill you, or it's another hunter with a gun. If it's a wolf and you don't shoot, you die. If it's a hunter and you don't shoot and you step on a twig, he might think you're a wolf and then you still die. So therefore, because you cannot communicate over the vastness of space, the only logical thing to do

upon meeting a new galactic civilization is to destroy it before it can destroy you. Damn. Dang. Can't argue with that logic. There's a sci-fi one called the dark forces. Which is that you don't get a lightsaber until the second game. And that fucking rule. It turns out to actually wait and give a lightsaber fucking kick to ass.

And that's another, they consider that thing science too, we just said. Yes, it is a potential explanation for the Fermi paradox because, oh, maybe all these cultures are hiding themselves away because of dark forest theory. Now, presumably none of you other than Ralph know this, but even if you did, it would be cold comfort given the fact that a job Giant Metal Face just ate all of you. So your ship goes screaming into the mouth of this big face. The mouth goes screaming into the mouth. I have big mouth and I must scream. I like Big Mouth and I cannot lie.

And very quickly, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have no mouth and I must scream. I don't care what Android's dreams. The first thing that impresses you is that, that the inside of this ship, despite how big it is, it seems to be pretty shallow because the floor or the wall rushes up at you really quickly. The other thing that surprises you is that the second you breach the mouth,

you feel gravity shift. And suddenly you are now, instead of facing forward, you're facing downward. Sort of defying gravity, if you will. No, you're victim to gravity. So the ship crashes into the ground of, I guess, this hanger. It comes to a stop and you guys get knocked a little bit silly, but you still have your wits about you.

I wasn't in the what happened to me. You weren't. So you basically face plans. against the floor, but you have time, I presume, to get out of the way before the ship follows in your weight. Do you take damage or anything? Yeah. How much health do you have right now?

I have three. I have nine. Roll a D4. Oh, boy. It's a four. All right, so you're in death saves. So you see through the cockpit window a bloodied and unmoving Dale right outside the ship. Oh, no.

Oh, geez, Louise. We got to get out there. Oh, boy, that's our guy. We gotta go get it. How's their damage report? Dodger Moore. Damage report. Don't touch his neck or anything.

Scan that man. You want the report on the ship or you want me to scan him? Can't you do both? I guess. He's a shit computer. It's all the goddamn computers. We don't have time. Save one into that speaker and one into that speaker.

You listen to that speaker. All right. All right. What am I going to do? Go poke him with a stick. Okay. I'm going to poke him softly, though. So, Freddie, you hear.

It requires repairs. And will you hear it? It requires repairs. He requires repairs. Oh, I guess we got to, all right. Repair. Computer. Google computer repair guy.

Getting Google repair guide from Earth. No, Guy, the guy. Repair man. Repair man. Googling repair man. While he is doing this, I'm going to rush out and try to look. Task grab it handyman, home repair services. Do you want me to call it?

Well, I don't know if the service extends this far. What's go? Repair Man, man, man from a Nickelodeon TV show, all that. played by Kel Mitchell. Would you like you to call him? Yes, call Kell Mitchell. He didn't pick up. The vastness of space may have dilated the time in such a way that he will be.

You're speaking to no one because I've already rushed out to help Dale. Dale, maybe his urine aid got knocked loose and he can't hear us. If anybody would like to make a medicine check on him or anything like that, you will stabilize him and he will be able to speak and move and all that fun stuff. Fuck, I got a five. I got a 19. Okay, great. Beth, tell me what you do that doesn't work, and then Will tell me what you do-do that does work. I think I tried to lift Dale using something they taught me in geriatric physical therapy where you can use your weight as a lever to pick up somebody who has fallen.

And I leave her too hard. Do you fuck up your own back? Yeah. Great. We should probably track separate stats for our lower back. That's actually really good point. You have a lower back HP. Each of you have a lower back HP.

It starts at five. Five. And currently you now have four lower back HP. Oh, my sciatica. I rub some Vicks Vapo rub under his nose. You return back to consciousness. Dale, you're still with us. You have one HP now.

Take it easy now. That looks like a tough fall. I saw a great ocean. An ocean. Yeah, I was just swimming in the ocean. What made it great? It's the ocean. All oceans are great.

Mm-hmm. If it wasn't great, it wouldn't be called an ocean. Those are called lakes. Yeah. Well, what about the Great Lakes? Whoa. He got you there, Dale. As your mind explodes from within at this realization, you hear a sound coming from all around you.

And as you look out, oh, no, who's leaking? As you look up, you see basically what looked to be sprinkler heads that are emitting helpfully visible gas that is filling the hangar. But I'm on the ship. Roger Moore, analysis ship gas. Analyzing the gas, it appears to be a knockout gas, but luckily for you, it seems to be calibrated for non-Earth life forms. It's not going to work on your. So it's not silent but deadly is what you're saying. Roger Moore, speaker mode, so I may address my companions.

The speaker mode activated. Companions, fellows. Oh. Yeah. I'm speaking to you from the ship. Our friend James Bond here has told us that this gas is knocking us out. But it's not. What was it, Roger?

It's made for a different species than you with a different respiratory system. Of course. How would they know what knocks out a human being that we're in interstellar space? It would be ridiculous that the same thing would render unconscious every life form in the galaxy. Is this cast poisonous to human beings? Remain to be seen. You would be the first people in history to have ever experienced it. Our remains will be seen if it's deadly.

It is silent but deadly. What does it smell? It smells like space farts. You know what? Just a little whiff of space fart. Just a fucking space fart. Well, you just smell big paper rub. Oh, I mean, you're probably immune to it.

Yeah. I would keep an eye out for those automaton's, though. Roger Moore highlights sort of cabinet at the side of the hangar that you didn't see before. And in it, you see a bunch of kind of like the droids from episode one. They're like on a rack. Oh, yeah, dude. They're just packed together like with their little Martin in the fetal position. Little Roger, guys, the battle droids?

Yes. and they unfold themselves from the rack and stand at attention and are walking towards you. There are two of these human-sized robots walking towards the group that is accumulated outside of the ship. Can we walk back into the ship? You sure can.

I'm assuming, based on what Roger Moore told us, that there's some sort of Asimov's law in play and these, they're programmed not to be able to hurt or through in action allow us to become hurt. What law is that? Those are the three laws of robotics, gentlemen. Robots have laws? Well, they, theoretically, they do.

They do not. They do not. Oh, well, in that case, I think we should get back on the ship. Okay. We run. Well, we walk. Yeah. We settle as quickly as we can.

Okay. I think the robots are also at a walk because they are programmed to pick up comatose people so they don't even know what to do with the fact that you're moving. Oh. So you actually probably get in the ship pretty easily. Oh, great. Well, first off, thanks for saving me, guys. Oh, of course. It wasn't me.

I actually, I messed up. And I technically also messed up in terms of. you know, maneuvering the ship in a way. I was overseeing the operation. Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Before I forget, my memory's not what used to be, can you identify all the buttons on the pads that we have? And then four hours later.

Oh, not now. Roger Moore, weapon systems online. The weapon systems have been knocked offline. Well, not the missile systems, but we were just out of missiles. And the engines are also offline. Not the interstellar ones, but the local engines. Damn it, Roger Moore. What's working?

Me? Shit. How do we fix the ship? How do we get out of here? Yeah, where are we? I believe your best chance would be to salvage parts from this ship. Sorry, what were you going to say, Herb? I was going to say, yeah, these robots are coming toward us.

You seem to know an awful lot about a little lot. So I thought, but then it's just my, I realize all my knowledge is purely conjectural. It's hypothetical. I was saying they look like they got friendly little faces just because we don't recognize, you know, any human emotion in them doesn't mean that they're not like friendly little fellas or whatever. I suppose that's true. It did seem like the ship was trying to kill us, but Roger Moore is the only way to communicate with the robots down there.

Binary code. That's a thing. That is a thing. You could communicate using binary. Roger Moore, send them zeros and ones in an order that makes sense to them. Go. What would you like me to say? Hey.

Sending message. And then you see the robots go, hey. Hey. Hey, they seem nice. They said, hey, back. Wow. And you can tell that they're talking because they have a little light on the front of their mouth that lights up when they're speaking instead of their lips moving. Gentlemen, this may be the first time human beings made interstellar contact.

Gone to space. With another. No, well, that's not quite true. But it's really the first time that we've left Earth orbit, one might say, near space. So we just, I just, we are ambassadors for our whole civilization here. So we want to be careful about how we introduce ourselves. can have long-standing repercussions on the rest of the planet. You just be friendly.

Ask how they're doing. Yeah. Hey, how are you doing? Bop-bop-bop-bub-bub. Confused. Oh, yeah, we all. Where are the people that should be asleep? Where are the sleep people?

Oh, well, it's not my nap time yet. Should I say that? Yeah. It's not that nap time yet. Pee-bub-bub-bub. What? Okay. Can you ask how, ask them that we're obviously not asleep?

So, like, just how do we get out of here? Oh, well, that's, yeah. You know, we said we need to repair parts of the ship by salvaging this ship, right? Oh, yeah. So can we ask the robots to do that for us? We'll pay them, of course. Sure. Hold on, hold on.

Yeah. How are we going to pay them? I pull out my, like, oversized wall, just tons of receipts. Just stacks. No, it's all travelers checks. Yeah, I mean, you know, honestly, if they do, I mean, you pay. I mean, when a man works for, he paid them. We don't even know if they have currency.

This is an interstellar civilization. Hey, I found most. places will take the dollar. That's such a cruise ship guy observation. Wow, the dollar's accepted everywhere on earth. That's really funny. That's fucking hilarious.

They're now walking towards the ramp into the ship. Roger, retract the ramp, retract the ramp. We retract the ramp, Roger. It is now retracted and folded back up into the body of the ship. Ask the robots if they would be so kind as to get us the parts we need to repair our ship. And Roger, you know what parts those are. so, you know, just

relate the message and I guess add something about maybe dangle the prospect of pay, you know. Ask what it will cost us and then what's like, what's the good place to eat? Like the good place, like the locals, like we're the locals eat, not the touristy thing. Where's the good place to eat around here?

Where do they eat? Ask where they eat. So he said, when they're done with their, ask them when they're done with their shift. They probably have some sort of. If they were bringing their parents somewhere, where would they be? Yeah, where would they go?

Not too loud. So, I can't hear what it's too loud. So the Roger Moore. I don't want the service at the table. I don't want to have to go off to order someone. Oh, I hate that. I hate it. I hate that.

What happened to service? I got to say, Ashley, you're, don't take this the wrong way, but you're pretty rough 55. Hey, you're one of us, man. Every age is it differently, you know? I guess that's true. And you can go any second. You put some hard miles on that chassis. Arcades used to be closer to windows and outside.

The UV does a number. on the paint jobs and the skin. Yeah, so send that all of that what we just said to them. Condense. Condense. I know I've gotten a bit of a hang on how to speak with Roger Moore. Condense and relay message, Roger Moore. Condensing.

Robots. We need help. They don't want to help. They don't want to help. They don't want to help. They don't want to help. Tell them we'll work out of later. How much you got hurt?

Number two. Robots. We need help repairing this ship. We will dangle pay. No, I just put a little more finesse on. You're Roger Moore. Jesus. Christ, it's Roger Moore.

He was well much better than the lights. I mean, you didn't tell him to condense. You just said condense. Roger Moore. There you go. See it with Roger Moore Flair. There you go. Say it with some style.

Hello, darlings. I see you're trying to get inside this ship, but don't worry, I'll be the one getting inside you soon enough. As the Roger boy. Now, until that time, however, could you be a good little girl and help me fix my equipment? And I'm dangling in front of you right now. And then you hear clicking under the ramp No, we are to take you to the holding cells

Please speak now The holding cells What are we holding? Wait, do they speak now? I just thought it was fun to Oh, you're doing like a little voice for them Yeah, it's transiting for us, Roger Moore's transiting That's not going to work for us

Roger Moore is whimsical That's unacceptable, no Well, no I have unfortunate news I have told them no And they are now awakening the rest of the robots And from all around this hanger You hear.

Stomp, stomp, stomp. Oh, that's a lot of stopping. Stomp, stomp. Also, stim up our good pal here. Stim him up real hot. Healing items can be found on the third floor of this particular ship. There's floors of this. Yes.

I'll be back. Dale just quietly begins walking over to the third floor. Walking up. That's where medicine's at. You're walking down. We're in the cockpit, which is last part of the ship. I'll go. I'll go with it.

I'll go. This is a really big hangar, huh? It's a huge hangar. Because the ship's pretty big. He says like the side of the side of the side of the ship. It's a warehouse, right? Yes. Okay.

This is a massive hangar. Oh, wow. What do I find in the medicine cabinets? Yeah, I want to go with Dale to go. Might as well stock up of her about to be in a holding saw. I don't have all the medicine. I only got like two days on me. Yes.

So you find a bottle that says reproductive nanites on it. Reproductive. Do you take that? You know what that? I don't take that. Nanites. Nanites. I don't think I've ever had.

No, that was. Well, reproductive. So it probably helps you. in that area. Don't need that no more. I'm done. You're done? I'm done.

You hang up, hung up the old six shooter, huh? I mean, I'm not saying, I'm just saying I don't need any more. I don't even know if I could. You know what you need? Maybe this lets me do it. You know what you need is you need a younger woman.

I don't need. My wife is the perfect age. Every day she was alive and she's still the perfect age. You know how old camey is? That's what I like about my wife. I keep getting older and so does she. So does she. Fuck.

That's really good. Hey, Ralph, is it weird? Like, it's okay when you look at a picture of your wife and she's like 20. You're still, like, at our age, is okay to be attracted to our wife when she was 20. Well, here's a humdinger for you. Me and Cookie were high school sweetheart. So when I think about our first, you know, is that I mean I'm an old man thinking about, you know what I mean? So if you want that, but in real life, you get a younger.

That's right. Well, I'll, I guess I'll take this bottle. Okay. What are you going to do with it? He's putting it in my pocket. Yeah, what else is there? Is this all the pills? This is all you got, Roger Moore?

If my grandson got kidnapped, I got to look for his pills so that when I find him, I can give it to him. Oh, okay. Go ahead and give me an investigate role. Depending on that role, I will tell you what other things you find because you may find some wondrous items. Nice. I got a 15. Ooh, okay. So they're in like the medical bay?

They're in the medical storage area. Is there like one of those slime tubes? Yes, I mentioned there was a back to tank. Dacuzzi. Dale knows a good jacuzzi when he sees one. Yeah, I got a 20 on my investigation. Oh, fantastic. Nice.

Okay. Erb, there's a gold mine in here. So you find a bottle of deconstructive nanobots. In my Fanny Pack is what I mean. I mean, I'm just tossing these bottles in. Anything that looks good. You also find an attractor mine. Attractor mine.

We don't need that. We both attractive enough of them. Yes. Attractor mind. Was it roll up, John Deere? Will, good work. Will, I want to acknowledge Will. It was good.

Yeah, was good. You all have funny jokes separately. Holy shit. You also find what is referred to in the label that has been affixed to it as a tech deck. It appears to be some sort of computer interface system that will probably be used. useful for intervasing with hardware. You kids play with these. She was got new gear. Oh, a tech deck. Now, this was on a

Christmas list a while ago. I know this looks a little different. It looks a little tricky to handle. Is this the series F series? The tech deck series A. Series B. Oh, we'll take this. We'll put them anything you guys want. Put it in your pocket. Yeah, put in my fan of anything. Anything you guys put in the fan of it back. I have to deal. You know, it seems like, I don't know, this being a Medical Bay and, you know, I just see this big

tube of slime here, and I think you should get in the slime. Roger Moore, is this slime? Is this like a spa? What is this in here? That is Reconstructive goo. Oh, right. My clothes are off instantly. Yeah, it should be known that none of us have any compunction about stripping

our clothes off and walking into hot rooms. This is, no, this is just like the YMCA, just close her off, just walk it in. Shit dangling, dude. Within an hour, you should feel right as rain. Can you guys put on an alarm? Otherwise, I'll never get out of here.

Well, I don't know if you need an alarm so much as the fact that the robots outside are building a, not human bridge, but a robot ladder up to the... Oh, dear. That sounds like a problem for people not in cyber. Dale... Dales closed his eyes. So he's already got to drink with an umbrella. Yeah.

just like the carnival cruise lives. Cracking open those reconstructed nanites and chugging them. As I have downloaded the entirety of the internet, would you like me to play some relaxing music? Oh, absolutely. What song would you like? Parrothead, Buffett, Bill. Jimmy Buffett.

Music chosen is music not being listed to. What? Just put it on. It's a vibe. You put it on and I'll listen. Music not. Music shows his music not being listened to is going on the Matt Arnold

Sings calendar right next to what you just said. it will work. Does this ship have any external defenses? Is there any, like a cool little gun that pops out and shoots people? We do have, you know, the teen sects, they had when they were in their little, they did a big, teen sects. Look up teen sects.

S-C-T. Whoa. No? When they would travel around in their big cocoon, they had a big cocoon ship, but the ship released a kind of pheromone that would repel enemy attack. So is there anything like that? Cool. No. There's no weapons on the ship.

There are the missile launchers and there is a laser beam on the front of it. What about a sort of deflector shield? Could we turn on a deflector shield and then it would like slice everybody in half because they're caught in the force? Do you know what I'm saying? Yes, I know what you're saying. Is there like a computer we could scroll on? Sometimes when I'm scrolling on my grandson's phone, I accidentally press something and it messes him up. So I was wondering if the robots could be messed up by like what is called a deep like.

A robot's basically a computer with legs, right? Yeah. So, no. No, I think that's the first time they ever made sense to me, right? That's why you write those books. Slightly offensive, but very accurate. Now, you guys of all, I'm sure you download, you know, you're clicking and then you get an email and it says, it says, warning, you know, your computer might have viruses. So you click on the thing and then wouldn't you know it, you got a virus?

Can we give them a virus? Can we give the robots some sort of, you know, I mean, I'm a lot. Ralph, you're a genius. You're on to something. Ralph, address robots. This statement is true. The previous statement is false. Okay.

We are unfortunately primed against paradoxes. That's all I know. That was like one of the first things that they did. Just to answer your first question, because of the restrictions put on AI's, I cannot personally make a virus, but if you can make a virus, I could tell you how to inject it into one of them and hope it is bred. I can make a virus. Ralph, can you make like a virus?

I don't understand virus. Somebody give me your phone. Oh, here you go. Here's my jitterbug. Okay. How do you do email all this thing? Oh, it doesn't have you. You just give it to your kid.

I am going to try to find an email in one of their spam folders that looks like it has a risky click on it. Oh, search. You've won. So, well, first. First off, you're going to either have to show their face or you're going to have to know what their passcode is to get into their phones. Oh, what, get me into your phone?

What's my password? What's my password? Oh, it's, it's, uh, I should, I should, go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, it's, it's wormhole, 2012, uh, uh, Exclamation, uh. Okay, that should, that should do it. All right, I'm going to, search you've won in the spam folder and then try to find anything with an attachment.

I'm going to search my own spam folder for you've won. And then the first thing that pops up, I will read. Congratulations. Wait a second. You win. I've won a lot of times. These emails has been hiding this whole time. Hey, why did it?

No, don't click on those. No. You see an email from Home Depot. You show about Home Depot you've already won. You know, I love the smell. Herb wormhole 2020. You have won a cobalt 24 volt cordless drill ID number 026. Is that a gun?

It has a picture of a cordless drill. Oh, each week we randomly select 20 users to complete a quick 30 second survey of 15 simple questions. Your feedback helps us improve our products and services. We greatly appreciate your participation. And there's a big red button that says get started now. Well, I guess, Anthony, you're going to have to click on that link and get started now. I am not.

Ralph mashes the link to try to find a fucked up virus. Okay, so you get to what looks to be a very poor. designed a website that just has a bunch of... This looks great. Has a bunch of questions on it that don't seem to be that related to Home Depot. They just ask things like, what is your middle name? What's your mother's main name? What's the street you grew up on?

The old of the day that these days. First Pat's name. And it goes on for a while. And the longer you scroll on this page, the slower the phone seems to get. And you get a little pop-up on the bottom right-hand corner that's a little ladybug. And it says, oh, no. I've detected some malware. Perfect. And then it freezes.

Oh, okay. We got a hot potato here. Roger Moore, could you find the virus on this and translate it to something that will infect those guys? I will not be able to do without also infecting myself. Is that okay? Oh, yeah, I mean, I guess. I live to serve. I'm sorry, I don't know why that took me out. Please place the phone on the following lit panel. And a panel in this room lights up. You stick the phone against it and you feel energy.

being sucked from the phone. And pretty soon your phone goes completely dark. It is now dead. It will never turn on again. Oh, sorry about that. I hope you have any pictures on their cherished memories of your family of what I mean. I don't know.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, it's been a pleasure. Roger Moore disappears for a second. And then you hear a high-pitched squeal from somewhere outside of the ship. presumably, you know, like if there's a dish or something like that, like the Malian Falcon has, you hear squeal through that and suddenly all of the robots stop what they're doing right where they stand and they start to like fidget and twitch all weird. It's working. Then all of them in unison point in each other and go, make your penis bigger.

Make your penis bigger. They're all just pointing. And they seem to be caught in an infinite loop of pointing at each other and saying your penis is bigger. So you have currently no usable AI. and broken engine. Well, I've done my part, gentlemen. Ralph, great work. What would I roll to try to figure out how to...

You know, like, I just remember, I used to play, you know, the computer games a little bit on my Pentium desktop. If you're looking for a gamer, I got to... So sometimes, you know... You're not solitaire on here now. Yeah. You're looking at that one.

Okay, well, then you know, sometimes your computer gets screwing. You got to have a safe mode. Do you think the ship has a safe mode? Oh, yeah. So I'm going to search, I'm going to try to figure out if I can reboot the...

ship into safe mode. And if we can hold F5. Roll technology. I'll help. I want to help. I want to do it too. Okay. You also do it. Technology. I have actually a good technology score because of my time spent Twitch streaming. 10 plus 5. 15. I got 11. You know, there's a gag in Hitchhiker's Guide of the Galaxy that every single culture in the entire universe for some reason has a drink called gin and tonics. It's that case with holding F5 when you start the engine. Every single culture in all the universe has the ability to hold F5 to start something in the station. the delete button as it's going up.

Yeah. And then you miss the first time. Oh shit. Power down. Power down. Hold it for four seconds. Power down. Now. Okay, you ready? Right. Delete. Hit delete. I turn it on. A gray blob appears as a hologram in front of you and says. Orders. Question mark. How do we fix the ship? Scanning ship.

Also, turn yourself back into Roger Moore. Error. No, he doesn't have enough course power for that. Cool forms are unavailable in safe mode. The ship has a burnt-out fishing drive. Burnt-out fishing drive. Burnt-out fishing. Sounds like a guy who's tired of fishing.

Yeah. All right? That's not possible. It also has a burnt-out fishing drive. Oh. Oh, and it doesn't like fishing anymore. Burned-out fission? Fish.

And fission. And upon impact, the laser cannon has been bent. Guys, gentlemen, I know it's scary, but if there's anything, anything I've learned on my time on the, on the seas. It's, if the boat's broken, it's best go to port. You can't just stay on here. What are you suggesting we find an escape pod or something like that? Let's scavenger out.

Let's scavenger out. Let's scavenger out. He's got to. New ship. New ship. You guy. People we can talk to that aren't robots. Or even if they take us to prison.

I've been to prison a few times. It's usually a misunderstanding. You've been to prison? I mean, yeah. I've been to prison. What are you been in prison for? You answer first. Me?

Yeah. It's usually just not understanding the local customs. Just, you know, I make us, I just say something stupid. I didn't know that you couldn't kill a guy in Virginia. Whoa. Whoa. What did you do? You said you didn't understand the local customs either.

That's not a custom. It's arguably the oldest human customs. Sort of, you know, going back to the days of Hamurabi. Well, I'm even older. Who did you kill her? He was a bad dude. What do you do? You said, okay, Buma.

Herb, it made it sound like this is something that happened a while ago. Is this something that happened recently? Yeah. Was this a kid? Well, you killed a kid. Herb. Half your age plus seven, then it's okay to kill them. I thought I did.

I mean, I didn't know you, but Herb. Hey, you know, we've all lived a long time. I've learned not to judge. Yeah. If you guys want to, you can roll insight to see if Herb is. telling the truth or not. Herb. I got a five.

Herb, are you telling the truth, I say, and I roll an 18. All right. You have to tell whether you were telling the truth, Herb. You can say whatever you want. I just know if it's the truth or not. Herb is telling the truth to the best of his memory. Wow. That's a good point.

Okay. Who knows if it really happened. Well, if I have a past, I prefer to be multiple choice. We all got our demons. I hope you work through them, Burb. Yeah, I was just suggesting that unless you guys, look, I get we all got some, you know, ego, we're all guys, we've all fixed our cars here and there, but like we don't know the ship.

I would never assume to fix a cruise ship. I'm not saying that we go outside and it'll all be good, but I'm just saying that we don't know what we're doing. Well, we know what's wrong with the ship anyway now. So if we see a fission drive or a fission drive, whatever either those things are, or a good lure. Maybe whoever, you know, we meet someone and they can help us repair the ship, they're great. Can I have a real perception? Sure.

Oh, G. Okay, Nat 20 minus 1, 19. Still not 20. Okay, so what were you looking for? Something. I was looking for something to help us. Okay, okay. Here is what you see.

You see outside the cockpit window a map, you know, like a fire escape map that's in every hotel next to the elevators and stuff. You basically see one of those by the exit to this hangar. And I'm going to put it in our chat. Ooh. According to this, or we're in a ship. we're a ship in a ship so you think we should steal this ship

steal the face I mean not steal we'll just go talk go to the cockpit and talk to the captain is taking such a Zardaz-esque term Can we talk to the captain You're asking me The AI?

Yeah can we talk to we're in a ship I mean it looks like a face But you know that's what they wanted So So Can we talk to the captain or whoever you could go talk to him, I guess. Could you establish communications?

Is that something we can do in safe mode? No, we cannot. No. Seems like I kind of gave you an out on that by saying, could we do it in safe mode? No, safe mode shuts off the ship entirely from outside incursions, digital or other ones. All right.

You know what they say? A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are made for. That's beautiful. I think we got to go talk to the captain. Let's go. And in the meantime, computer, let's do a little scan for what have you,

viruses the like. I think we may have downloaded something nasty into your room and dear hardware there. So if there's a, you got some way of cleaning that up. Maybe you could get that cleaned up and we can talk to Roger Moore when we get back. How much HP did I recover? All of it. Oh.

Yo. But as you step out of the two, your balls are super wrinkly now. They don't go back. They don't go backwards. It's not going to get less. Dude, imagine if you walked into a thing and it's smooth balls. Whoa.

As you walk out. You'll take a look at these. Who's the last time you see ones look like this? I don't think I ever have. Look at that. Two orbs. Two pool cues down there. It's like two pool cues in a Chinese takeout plastic bag.

Yeah, good news smoother, bad news larger. Very light strain lines due to the weight and gravity. I'm a little wet, so I'm just going to keep my clothes out until they dry. And I'm just, I'm just like, have my... You got a towel? Yeah, I got a towel around me. I got my clothes over my shoulder. So as you step out of the maxet tank, basically,

The door automatically shut behind you and you hear a voice say, Bath complete, discharging dirty water. And you see all the water inside, whatever that goo is. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Oh, my God. And you hear a splashing noise.

Is that a beta fish? You hear splashing noise from outside. And it goes, healing goo purged, require a refill. Oh, we're going to have to find more healing. I asked you all to get in with me. Oh, we don't even. worry about the new one. I'm doing it. So hot, just for meta-gaming really

quick. So it does appear to be the move is every time. We have to take a new. Where one baths all four must bath. That's what you good. I like that. It'll be hard. In the future I mean, flexibility is not high on the elderly.

When you take a sexy bath with someone. Yeah, when you have the ability to be flexible, that's a very easy thing to do. If you want to crowd in there like a bunch of college kids trying to get into a phone booth, they'll probably... In college, because I've never been on a cruise with that hot tub is. in there's never any space. You're waiting. You're waiting to get in there.

I don't know what happened to my voice, but this is what's happening now. It's like a salty soup, baby. There's a lightly salted, chlorinated. That's what we say on the ships. That's what we say on the ships. We say we go and get some salty soup. We go out.

You say in it or are you eating it? This sucks. On Herb's way out of the medical bay, he's just going to straight arm the medicine cabinet and pull it as many pill bottles. Supermarket sweep style. Yeah, a supermarket sweep style as many pill bottles into his cargo pants as he can. Fantastic. Now, they were marked by labels on the counter that they were on, not the bottle itself.

Well, that's just bad design. Yeah. So we just, we just try each one and see what happens. There's no labels on the bottles. No. Famously how pills are organized. But if the AI was functioning, it would be able to tell you which one was which. This is the fucking shit future they're pitching us.

No more labels. Let the computer tell you what's in it. All right, go, go. Actually, you know what? You look at the pill bottles. You look at the pill bottles and there's a, there's a little like holographic, like screen on it that says, uh, no, it's a subscription ended. Please re-op subscription for pill information.

Oh my God. All right. So we got a bunch of pill bottles. So we have to pry open. I put four in my fanny pack. And then now I made the verb kit. Because remember, you got like a nat 20 for, for, for, like, looking around this place, you also got something.

If you hadn't gotten a Natchew, I wouldn't have told you what it does, but you did, so I will. You get a gravity nullifier. It is a fist shape. It could have figured out what that does by the name. No, I wouldn't have told you the name. He would have called it a blooply ball. I would have said. Here's what I would have said.

You find a fist-sized metal device. Oh, yeah. I'm going to hold on to this one. What is it? One of the sides appears to be a gravity nullifier. I was going to say sticky. but sure. So because it's gravity is backwards, instead of putting it in your mouth, you have to put it in your ass.

It's a you need to. It's not even, it's not even weird. It's just you need to do it. You crazy, but I like you, man. I like you too, Dale. So you know that the gravity null fire is good on objects less than 2,000 pounds. But what does it do? Or what does it do?

What is it do? It feels pretty good. Oh, boy. Jesus Christ, all fucking... Hey, we walk out. We go to the cockpit. Yeah, we can go. So, you walk out of the hangar,

which means that you are in a hallway that leads to the cockpit. We sidestep all of the robots telling each other to get a bigger dick. Yes, you are bobbing and weaving between the robots that are constantly pointing each other, talking about dick size. You walk into the hallway that leads into the... sort of nexus of the ship, sort of the nose area. And you see to the left a room that seems to have a lot of equipment in it. And guarding that door are two big sentry guns, but they're just like unmoving

because you managed to avoid the robots ever having them to set an alarm. So well done. Hey. We still get XP for that, though. Yeah. Are there like two windows like the nostrils? Do we see like? Oh, they say that the nostrils are the windows to the soul.

Yeah, you know what they're like skylights. They're completely decorative. It's like we're walking through a face that's lying down. Like our floor is like the back of the head. Back of the head. So nostril high skylights are above us. Yes. Like a mask on the table.

Yeah. Okay, cool. After you pass the equipment room, you also go past an unmarked room, but inside you can see several cells that basically look like prison cells with like energy for bars. You can see basically like a dozen of them. There's a lot of cells in this spot. And one of them is occupied by something with absolutely no face. That's just skin where there should be.

Okay. So it looks like a humanoid. It is a bipedal, humanoid-esque-shaped thing with no face. Or hair. Stuck on a ship that's a big face. What are the odds? It's a literal butter face.

It's got everything going, but her face. That's not even offensive because she literally doesn't have a face. I'm just saying she doesn't have a face. No one's saying it's offensive. Fellas. It's just here amongst us. It's only the four of us now. The four of us now, right?

The often is offensive anymore. Finally, huh? We know we all. good on the inside, right? Yeah. I think we should reconnoiter with this person. What are they going to say something?

They're not going to say anything. Okay, I just, I mean, for one, I'm just fascinated by this new organism. I also, like, they might have information for us. Yeah, like where our grandkids are, maybe. Let's proceed with caution, but. Now, if you're walking through a museum or like a tourist attraction and somebody

in your group see something they like, you stop, you let them do it, and then we keep going. So, if Ralph wants to look at this person, yeah, you do. I go up and I like sort of tap on the cell. I'm like, excuse, puss. So you see the person jump in shock as you tap on the cell. It's okay.

Also, you burn your finger a little bit because they aren't energy bars. Yikes. They jump in surprise and put their hand through the bars, like reaching out with their palm facing up. I take their hand. So they feel your hand and then they put their hand up with a one finger and they then take that one finger and they retract their arm back into the cell. and they poke themselves in where their eyes would be, and then they poke themselves where their ears would be, and then their hands become almost a blur with speed

as they start to sculpt their skin into the shape of the requisite organ. And after a minute, they have ears, and after two minutes they have, albeit flesh-colored, eyes, and then they carve a smile into their face, and now they have a mouth. And they open their mouth to speak, but because they didn't have put in teeth, you just hear,

Who are Thunder? Hi. Are you a prisoner here? So you're not from the Luminous? The Lugunas? The Luminous. No, we don't know what they were. We're from Earth.

You're not with the bounty hunter? I know. Is this a bounty hunter's ship? Yes. Wait, who are you? We crashed into the mouth. Oh, okay. We're looking for our grandkids.

Hi, Ralph Estereus is my name. These are my associates. Why is that sound familiar? Dale, you can call me D. D.L. What do you mean? Why does that sound unfamiliar? Is that something familiar?

Ashley Birch. Ashley with the knee and Birch like the tree. And here's a card. It's got my Twitch URL on it. I stream Tuesdays and Thursdays. She grabs her from you and then immediately throws on the ground. You're from Earth? You're from Earth?

Yes. Yeah. Where's Fyodor? Feodor? Oh, Fyodor. Oh, Fyodor. Oh, I'm sorry, but if he was your friend, he exploded. And they bang their head into the energy bar and they, ow.

Oh, careful. Careful, careful. Now there's a big divot in the middle of their head. And you'll get used. At this age, you lose friends. Yeah. We don't know if this person is. You know, they disconnect the phone number because they're dead.

Do you have the potentials, the kids on your ship? No. The potential what? Somebody called our grandkids the potentials, right? Right? I think our grandchildren, we were at a wing ding of sorts. We were to the Nintendo tournament. And they were taken by a man in a hazmat suit.

And then they went up into a, I mean, then they disappeared. And then we with your friend. What was the ship shaped like? A station wagon. That was our ship. Sorry. I didn't. I don't think we ever, did we see the alien spaceship?

No, did only one of you did. Herp. Oh, I did. You told us you were hanging from your grandson's leg. Did you get a look at the ship? Yeah, I was, I was hanging. Did it look like a, like a big face, I'm going to kill you. They put up their hand and they start squeezing their hand and they make the shape of a 20-sided die, basically.

Dodecahedrine. Did it look like that? My memory is. It's not what I used to get. You got this herb. Yes. Okay. This is bad.

Oh. I mean, no, it didn't look like that. No, that it's bad. We want to know that it's bad. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. If the bureau has them. The bureau. The bureau.

Getting a lot of proper nouns thrown at me right now. Okay, so we got the luminous. Let me write this down. We got the Brownie Hunter and we got the Bureau. Bounty Hunter's not a proper noun, but yes, I agree. The thing that you're doing with your hands? If that's the, you know, if that was his name, like in that. That would be wild.

You know, I mean, it could be a literary device of sorts. There was that movie where the guy was named protagonist. It was boring and confusing, but there you go. You have to get me out of here. I can help you find your grandkids. This isn't like the time that somebody called me pretending to be my grandson said he needed $10,000 for bail and that I would be a bad grandpa if I didn't give it to him. Is that like what is happening now?

No, does not like that at all. Okay. Who are you? My name is Jessica Messon. So thank you cheese for sending us that name. Jessica. Jessica. Jessica.

You can call me J.M. If you like, or not. Or just. Cool. I like. As long as I was Jessica. Messer. Here we address everyone by their proper names.

Jessica Meska. No, but she likes like. You can call me D.L. Ordel. Whatever you want. Or Del. Or Del. Hey, as long as we're friends is fine.

Jessica, Messica. What are you doing here? I was in a ship to pick up Theodore after he had the kids. We were going to switch ships. Wait, you were supposed to pick up... You were going to abduct our grandkids? Abduct. Is it a strong...

Is it an accurate word? How were you defining abducted? In the sense that our grandchildren would have been taken into a spaceship and absconded with... From Earth, vis-a-vis U. Yes, very much that. Well, then I don't really... I don't... What do you want with our grandkids?

Wait, then if you didn't take our grandkids, who did? The Intergalactic Bureau of Science, the IBS. I feel like I should be familiar with them, but I'm not. It's a long story. We're worth them. It's a thing. but if you get me out, we can go get your grandkids, we can sneak your grandkids off together.

You can have them and we don't have to use them as potentials. Wait, hold on, hold on. I want to get to the root of the matter. Why our grandkids? Because our grandkids got a lot of potential, which is true. Lila, she could be anything. I told you, straight A's.

Laya's not straight A's, but that's why she still got potential. But you know, school's not everything. She doesn't care. If their skill at the game, not everything, what's pretty damn important. Tim's got a speech impediment. The Fermi paradox. They are good at the Fermi Paradox.

It's hard to overcome that. Wait, it's 2019. Is that what we said? Yes. Well, look at the former vice president. Joseph Robinette Biden has speech impediment. And he made it all the way to the vice presidency. That matters right now is that we all get off this ship before we get sold into chattel slavery at McFaddengate. Okay.

Okay. All right. You sold me. Great. If you could go kill the captain and get his identity key, then you can let me out and I can fly the ship. Not all of us are herb. Not all of us can just kill somebody without thinking about it. Take a life.

One of you does kill. Well. Definitely. I think I, yeah, I may have killed someone. Okay, great. So it should be you then. And I'll do it again. You're going to have to cut either just the skin off of his hand or the whole hand.

And we can use that as his identity. The captain. All right. And so we find this captain in the cockpit? Is that the general idea? Unless he's in the can. You're making this sound pretty easy. This ship is mainly run on automation.

You saw the robots, I presume. Yes. We gave them a virus. It was pretty clever, I got to say. Oh, that is clever. Well, if you could give the captain a virus where he dies, that will also be clever and good. So he's not a robot. No, no, no.

He's an organic. He uses the robots because it's a lot cheaper than real staff, and he gets to just relax until an alert goes off. People keep saying that word organic around us. Is it really any different? Like a robot and a meat person? Okay, so it's just meat. There have been wars fought over this. Okay.

For millennia, I would say. But I ask you what you say there's meat and then there's organic meat. Yeah. Okay. But these are bad guys. This guy's a bad guy. But we're taking that off the, I mean, you seem. You're from Earth.

So good and bad are going to have very specific different contexts and meaning. No, I'm not trying to judge. I'm just trying to understand. I will tell you what this person does and you tell me if they're good or bad or not. Okay. This person captures anyone trying to leave a dark forest envelope. And I don't know what the hell that is. So it already kind of tough to tell.

And then delivers them to buyers, essentially. It is hugely illegal. because anybody leaving the dark force is supposed to be killed. Wait, a dark forest, of course, from the novel by... You have tonal languages in your language. Okay, but they take people and then what you were saying? Yeah, and then they sell them off on the black market. I don't think that's a very good thing to do.

I would agree with that. I'm going to roll insight on our new friend, Jessica Messica. Got 12. With the 12, you have no way of knowing if they're trustworthy. They do seem certainly honest in that they want to get out of here. And when they're talking about the things that will happen to them and you, if you arrive at McFadding Gate in this ship, they seem to be telling the truth.

Hey, fellas, fellas, let's huddle up here real quick. Okay. What's up? I've got a little bit of an idea. We've got to take the captain out, right? Mm-hmm. Well, I've got a bunch of pills, and I don't know what they do,

and I was wondering if maybe we could offer the captain a drink, pour all of the pills into the water, and then just, like, give it to them, and then maybe distract them with a story. You know, it's an idea. is going to see this captain. Okay. So we can see, get an eye on them,

and then we can assess a plan. And, you know, because we're only getting one side of the story here. You know, so maybe this person's trying to play us. We should trust but verify. I just trust so many people, you know. Some of many people tell me things.

I'm like, yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Well, I mean, general are good. And I feel like it's easy when you get older to stop thinking that. Leave everything you see on Facebook. I do. I do.

Absolutely. J.M. You seem cool. You seem nice. We're going to go talk to the captain. and we'll kind of get a sense to what's going on. And if it is what is, you know, we'll... He's going to shoot at you.

He'll shoot at us. Yes, of course. You're supposed to be in one of these cells next to me. The fact that you're not, he will be upset. Hmm. Hmm. Well, can we disguise ourselves as maybe his robots or, you know, some other people that work here? Does he have a bathroom?

I don't know. Could you? Does he have a bathroom? There's a latrine, yes. Let's just go hang on the latrine. Yeah, we should. He's got to use the can at some point. He's got to use the can.

You always can tell what a man. really is like when you could talk to them while in the can. I can't tell you, you are making a risk if you do that, because we are decently close to McFadden-Gade. I would say we're going to be there within the next hour and a half. I mean, you

have a lot of having to go through. I know. That's a fair point, though. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I'm saying you probably have to get... How fearsome a warrior is this captain? He's a bounty hunter, so he probably kills more people than most. And you've got to figure a bounty hunter, if he's anything like the man with

no name. Well, hydrate. That's a good movie. Now, but the way I'm hard to sneak up on. All three of them. Yeah. That scene, they try to sneak up on him. Doesn't work.

And that's what you're suggesting. So that's why we don't sneak up on him. We don't sneak up on him. We stay in the same spot. And then he sneaks up on us without him knowing he's sneaking up on us. That might be too much for the man with no name, though. How about? How about we sneak into the bathroom?

Because I, look, I got to go anyways. How about we sneak? How about we sneak into the bathroom? bathroom and we give it 40 minutes. That way we take care of our business. Maybe he comes in. It's not threatening. We're just four guys in the bathroom.

Yeah. All right. Let's go to the bathroom. Ooh, come on. Let me pee pee pee. Are you going to be? Are you googling? How many times a 40-year-old man would need to pee in a day?

Between four and seven times in a 24-hour period. I have rolled. So after about 35 minutes, you hear footsteps coming towards the door. Oh, he's coming, he's coming. All right. Shake, we'll just keep him. Now, hold on. Before he comes in, what was our plan to, like, ambush this guy?

Oh, we sure have thought of that. What, what, first of all? Are you telling me you spent 35 minutes trying to pee in silence? What is the latrine situation? Is there like a... We were talking about a baseball stadium? Oh, God, no. The bathroom is the size of a normal, like, bathroom and a family home.

So there's a shower and a toilet and a sink. So, not huge. Guys, get in the shower. Get in the shower. Guys. Get in the shower. And then... in the shower.

If he's got gun, he doesn't bring it to the bathroom. You can keep your clothes on, though, or we're not actually taking a shower. I don't know. I should put my clothes on finally. I put my clothes on. Remember I only had a towel

and I was drying out my clothes. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, okay. I need to dry out my clothes too. Oh, I hear somebody. Okay, here's what I think we should. This is, can I say with that? I think we spent the last four.

I think we spent 35 minutes grinding up all the pills. Yeah. And then one of us is going to blow them into his face. Yeah. Oh. Okay. That's really funny. You hear the door open.

You hear footsteps moving toward the toilet. You hear it unzip. Until he sits down. Wait until he sits down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hear. Come on. I feel you, buddy.

Been there. And then you hear a tinkle that turns into a stream. Wow. You know, every time you actually finally get it going, big breath of relief. Yeah. During that breath of relief, as he exhales. I pull the curtain.

open. You pull the curtain, just like we planned. You pull the curtain open. I blow into his face. And then one of you guys kicks him and then when someone else turns out of the lights? Let's do these one at a time. Yeah. Why do we have to kick him?

So you blow all the pills into his face. I need you to give me a constitution saving throw such that you don't inhale some on accident when you're for the blowout. 920, 19 plus 1. All right. Couldn't have done it better. you don't get an iota of this pill cocktail in your own lungs. It hits him full on in the fucking face. And he screams too.

When the shower curtain opens, he screams. So he also gets it in his mouth. It's bad. It's like his whole face is just bright, white, but with kind of sickly, piss-colored yellow a little bit in there. What does he look like? He's a bird.

He's a bird man. I need bury the lead on that. He's a bipedal bird who's pee's from the front. So a bird with the... Wait, so it wasn't sitting down? No. So he's a dong. Yeah.

He's a bipedal bird who pees from the front. It's not like you're selling his used car. But yeah, no, it hits him a full force. His bad baby can fit so much B in the front. All right. I'm going to give him a role to see how bad this is for him. Bird. I don't know why.

We're standing up being into it. Okay. Do you think they use the wings to cut? That's what I say. Holding up, like, just leaning. Leaning. Leading the wall of the wings. with the wing.

Come on. A fucking trot. Like you're doing a one-handed pull-up a one-handed push-up while standing up against the wall. So you see him. You think when he shakes it off the tail, let's go.

So you very quickly see a bunch of black dots come to life. Some of the grinding bits turn into very, very small black dots that begin to multiply. And then some other ones also appear and then they start fighting each other. This also was happening down.

in his mouth into his throat. He also swells up pretty big to the point where like under his feathers, you can see his bare skin and he keeps swelling. Is there like black stuff coming out of his ding-dong now? Well, it hasn't gotten down there yet, but it will. This is why you shouldn't throw rice at a wedding. Did you know that whole thing's a lie?

I guess I did know that, yeah. That's a great lie. That's such a smart lie. Basically, he starts to swell and swell and swell. Then he tries to reach for his gun, but his wing freezes before he can reach his holster. And he starts to float. And then when he touches the ceiling, he shatters. That was a real George's marvelous medicine sort of moment.

Yeah. Wait, didn't that lady ask us for his hand? Oh, no. He has wings. Well, shatter. I look at other pieces. There was like an identity chip. Is there a hand piece?

Go ahead and make me an investigation. I'm going to roll investigation. I'm going to palm that blaster, dude. So 14. 14, you find it is a specifically like bright red feather that was part of his wing plume. And you can see it's got a little like microchip looking thing on it. Yeah, I think this is it. We just, I got, oh, wow, that was something.

Why? I can't believe I was holding all that in my hand. That kind of freaks me out. Why do we do that? It feels. Also, it's not. I don't want to gloss over. Yes, now, Ralph, you do have a blaster.

Oh, okay, yeah. When they shattered, was it, like, gory or did they, like, turn into a glass type thing? They basically turned into glass. Oh, okay. Oh, don't breathe that stuff, guys. Now you know what it's like to kill a man. I guess I do. My God, that was horrifying.

Oh, wow. Does anyone want this gun? Whatever taste for violence I may have had is long since past. I'll take the weapon. Fucking color me surprised. All right, Ashley, you hold on. to it. I mean, I guess we did what those ladies said. Fellas, we're in a materially better

situation. We are now armed and we have this red feather. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, keep it positive. And now this ship has no captain. All right. This ship has no captain. Oh, this reminds me of this one time that I was I was the captain of a ship. Really? Whoa, really? Yeah, and this guy

What kind of ship? It was like a little ship. It was like a boat. Like a 30 footer? Yeah, it was like a 30. 30. Yeah. Freddie you have a swarm pistol. It's okay. So this guy with a gone comes on and he's like, he's like, hey, look me in the eye, man. I'm the captain now. And you just use a range.

I don't think that that happened. I'm sorry. I think, you think, you think, I think that's the movie Captain Phillips with Tom Hanks. That's a good. How do you see in the movie? Yeah. How do you not know that that's the line from the movie? Well, that movie's based on a true story.

Are you Captain Phillips? I, no, that's not. They probably changed the name. They probably change the name. They probably change the name. Yeah, I've never even heard of this movie. It's crazy that that would happen based on... Yeah, that's right.

Okay, we got what we need. I've killed a bird, man. We've got a feather. We've got a weapon now. I think we should go... I have a weapon now. Oh, boy. You can take the Freddy out of the character,

but you can't take the character. Let's go talk to J.M. then. All right, so we go talk to Jenny... Jessica Messica. So Jessica sees you coming back with the feather, and she goes, oh, he was a bird guy? He was an aviary? You didn't know that?

No, I didn't see him. I was just the robots put me here. Oh. Well, yeah. So you killed him. Hey. Well done. Well done.

I'm so glad you did that. You didn't even talk to him first, did you? We thought about it. But then we did it. That's my, her. Her was my guy. We blew a bunch of pills into. Yeah, it was a little horrifying.

I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it yet. So what do we do now? We release you and then you help us find our great kids, right? Yes, I am a great pilot. I will pilot us into McFadding Gates. And we'll be off on our little adventure together. You don't want our grandkids for any weird reasons, right? You.

I don't think the reasons are weird, no. Oh, so you do want them. And when you say the reasons are, what is that? You want them. Okay. Well, now that the danger has passed, I can give you the full scale of this if you want. Yes. Well, do you want to come out first?

Yeah, I would love for you to let me out first. Yeah, of course. We're talking about through the line. No, okay. This is someone who wants our grandchildren. I mean, we're already pretty, far invested. Ralph just blew a guy to death in the

bathroom. Once I tell you what we're fighting for you will be itching to get me out of this cell. Okay. Fine. Come on us. Come on. Lay it on us. While this is going on, I shoot a look to... I was about to say if you can't shoot anything because I have... I shoot

a look to Ashley. Like, oh yeah, I cock and load the pistol. Discreetly. Discreetly. I put it behind my back. Like Hitman and the games Go ahead and roll tech to see if you can figure out how to talk. I was like cool weapons in sci-fi movies. Did they have hands on their wings or just like genuine wings?

They had wing-ass wings. Wing-ass wings. So what's the gun like? How would he even pee like that? So you... A lot of it, you know, birds pee. Like that? Not from the front.

Not from the front. This blaster has, instead of like one trigger, it's got a bunch of them. Same. I'm close to inspection. You know how like brass knuckles are where you can like put your fingers through the individual rungs of it? It's like that.

It doesn't actually have triggers on the other one and only has one trigger, but they're very wide and flat because they're made for feathers to go into and not much else. Whoa. So you could... Your finger is probably too fat.

Your finger's probably too fat to fit into the trigger. As it is. What about my pinky? Why don't you give me a dexterity roll? Do you a pinky roll? Do you need a pinky roll. Got it.

Two plus three, five. Okay, so you break your pinky trying to put it into the trailer. Oh, no. That pinky is now useless until it is repaired. You only managed to fit it in. You just break the pinky. Ow! What's wrong?

I broke my hand. Oh, dear. Oh, boy. Oh, okay. Well, you were saying. Yes. So you know the Fermi paradox, the game that your grandchildren were playing. No.

No, really. I mean, yeah. I know that's what Lila loves doing. They were doing. Yeah. Yeah. She's really good at it, too. Let me tell you an inferior game to Star Citizen. Okay. Of course, you know what Fermi Paradox is your fucking character. I'm talking to time.

Oh, yes, of course. No, but I don't recognize it. I don't recognize it. I don't recognize it anymore. I don't recognize it anymore. I don't recognize the new person because the original IP got sold to like an Ubisoft style. I mean, they've remade it.

That's a remake, dude. That's not the same. I don't recognize the franchise company. They're playing like Doom Internal and you're like, I don't. It's different. So you know the developers of the Fermu Bairdocks are Spark Interactive, right? Yeah, let's say we do know that. Spark Interactive was formed by the Intergalactic Bureau of Science.

Okay. To basically recruit the best pilots, fighters, generals, hackers to win their war against my people, the luminous. This is remarkably close to the plot of teen sex, gentlemen. Teen sex. Teen sex. Sext. Forget it.

We do have sex. Well, good for you. Well, good for you. You know, it starts out with just your basic coming of age kind of thing. But then as the books. Rob,

my promise, when we have a chance, I'm going to read your book. It does sound great. The animals are just like that. Actually, they get dark. This is going to be a little bit weird.

But can you all stand together like next to each other? Uh, I was okay. For a photo. Okay. Everybody get in. For a photo. Yeah.

Kind of. Get on in everybody. We're all too, our heights are too different. Who's in the back? Oh, this is actually establishing some spatial. You all look like ads from up here. Okay, can the tall ones crouch to be on the same level? Because this is going to get rid of the way.

We don't have to decide yet. Just use generic terms. All right. So she extends two fingers from each of her hands and gently pushes them into your skulls. It doesn't feel like it's like made a hole. It feels like the finger itself just kind of melded with the flesh and bone and it's gently going inside and touching your brain. My doctor needs to get my prostate chair. My doctor. I always do it. And we all cough. You cough and then you see ships clashing in the light of something even brighter than the sun.

It's just like my prostate exam. Brighter than anything that has ever been or will ever be. And within that light, you see creation and destruction, the power to reshape the matter of the universe into anything. Replace one planet with another, turn corpses into living beings, become in a word, God. You see a woman who resembles Jessica Meska, but with a face that's a little less artificial. Or the body that don't quit. Yeah, you see a woman with legs that go all the way down. In your mind, you looked all the way down and then all the way back up. She has a little girl in her arms, the little girl runs away, a speeder bike honks its horn, a horrible thump, and a whale that echoes still today.

Oh no! Within that light at the center of the galaxy, the spark, is the power to bring her, to bring anyone back. Grief, like gravity, brings people together, and those who have lost someone, regardless of their planet, species, or creed, find a common goal in reaching the spark and rekindling the fires that have gone out. They call themselves the luminous. If all of you would roll perception, please. Six. Uh, eight plus one, nine. So we got a six and nine.

I got four. A four. I rolled a 20. Okay. 19 plus 1. Oh, yeah, a 19 plus 1. So a dirty 20, not a naty 20. Not a natty 20, but an unnatty 20.

Just because they're not natural doesn't mean they're not great. A 20 that was so hot, it's unnatty. So Herb, you see that the light of the luminous casts a shadow. And within that shadow, you can hear breathing. Something old and angry and powerful, a bony scabbard and creature scuttling from shadow to shadow, drawing plans together to unknown ends. and as soon as you see it, it's gone. Because you're on the other side of the war, suddenly.

On the other side of the war, you all see people. Just tired people doing their goddamn best with limited information and deadlines and bills to pay. You see bureaucrats interpreting data to their own ends, scientists and sterile labs, tired of engineers hunched over computers. They're all crunching the numbers. They're measuring energy output. Dark space elves born into infinite wealth,

templing their fingers, dreaming of disruption, commanding their peons to pull order from chaos. All driven by a belief, however misguided, in making things better. Making things better with the power of the spark. Definitions of better are ever-shifting, but the Intergalactic Bureau of Science is pretty sure they'll figure one out sooner or later. And in between the two factions, the black hole which leads to the spark. The hole itself is impossible to see, as the light of so many ships passing its event horizon remain frozen in time, so what it looks like is a sphere of

spaceships all converging on a single point, none of whom have ever returned. Cool. It was a luminous who first had the big idea. If we can't survive entering the black hole, what if we expanded the black hole, uncompressing its infinitely dense matter into a doorway? What if we could build a machine to pry the particles of the black hole apart like a crowbar prying open a door? And on the other side of that door would be the spark. All it would take is a very, very large and very, very powerful crowbar. But to build a machine capable of expending that kind of energy of ripping a black hole open is no easy task. And so the luminous and the IBS wore over resources, scientists to build a build the crowbar, materials to build it with, soldiers to protect those materials,

ships to transport those soldiers, land to house and feed them. The problem is the enlightened civilizations of the universe are not experienced in warfare. Worldlike tendencies typically get your planet thrown into a dark forest envelope, which means that warriors from a dark forest planet would be a very, very worthwhile addition to your cause. Oh, so it's like basically, in order to survive the craziness of space, you have to be a fucking nerd. And wait, just clear it. What does the IBS want?

The IBS wants to get to the spark to improve realities in some way. But they both are trying to make a crowbar. Yes. It's a race to make the first crowbar. You know like Star Wars, it's like there were two death stars. It's a race to create a stuff. They're racing to make a death star. Yeah, exactly.

What is the difference between what the luminous and the IBS wants? The luminous wants to specifically bring back people who have died unjustly from the dead. Okay. So Jessica Messigua's child died in an accident that could have been prevented. That was some bullshit. And she wants to get her kid back. The IBS wants to improve the universe, but it's unclear what that means. But they're not trying to bring back people from the dead.

We do not know, but it doesn't seem like they are. Jessica removes her fingers from your brains, leaving no hold. But it feels really weird with the finger coming out. Just like my process. Yeah, it feels like when it goes out. It feels like your head just shit. And she goes, did you get all that? Was that clear?

Do I need to explain anything? Got a lot going on up here. Correct. You got to let people go sometimes, you know. I'm so upset that... I'm sorry. Hold on. Hold on.

Sorry. This one said, you have to let people go. I'm trying to get my daughter back. I know I lost the love of my life. That's just the inevitable. You know, it's hard. It's hard. It's not...

The way my daughter died was not inevitable. She was a kid. It was unfair. Another person did it. And... That's awful. I can't... I have to get her back.

So if you want to help save my daughter's life so that she has one, you will help us win this war. Okay. Regardless of who's winning what for what reason, we don't want our grandchildren who we love to die in an interstellar war that they have nothing to do with. I definitely do understand it.

So that does seem like something that you, okay, all right. I completely understand. Again, this was not our idea. This was the IBS's idea. The people you're against, they were going to take our grandkids. Yes. Well, they did apparently.

They did. At the very least, if you help us save our grandkids, you'll just let us go, right? Like, our grandkids won't help them. We can bring them back home. It sounds awful. It's above my pay grade. That's literally what I was about to say.

It's above my pay grade, too. I was just here to pick y'all up. I just want all of it back, and I want to go back to my beautiful, gorgeous, just young, just like flexible, beautiful gorgeous. That sounds great. Sounds like Herb has sex, too. You bet. Her's my favorite. I got to bring my grand kid back to my daughter and then, yeah, go back.

You know, my love is in heaven, but, you know, I'm pretty old. It's probably a few more years and then I'll be there, too. Okay, well, I have some skin in this race, but again, this is above my pay grade. You're going to have to talk to the folks in charge if that's what you want. But I can say that if you get them away from the IBS, that's good, because they're just going to use them like tools and sort of toss them aside. Yeah, my Oliver is not a tool. Okay, good. So, yeah, I would be more than happy to help you.

I hand over the feather. Okay. To this is the thing that lets her out. Oh, yeah, you can take it for me. You can take it. She just reaches out through the energy bars and, like, puts it on a panel. next to the thing, the energy bars get down. All right, Jessica, Jessica, the fate of our

grandchildren is... You fools. What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I had a feeling you were nervous. I thought it would be fun. The fate of our families is in your hands. What do we do? And the fate of the universe is in your grandchildren's hands. Be that as it may. What do we do? How do we get them back? Well, I'm just going to go up to the cockpit, and I will pilot us into McFadden Gate. You're going to drive the face?

Yeah, I should be able to drive the face. It's just a cruiser. By the way, it's true. The fate of the universe is in our grandkids. That's at our age, we all learn to let go. Children are the future was the core message of teen sex. That's why I've been saying this one time. And I just feel like sometimes people are age, we keep holding on trying to, but like, you know, we've had our go. So we got to get our grandkids back because if people like Lila are out there trying to make the world a better place,

I know it's going to be better than the world I lived in. That sounds great. We got to get her back. Yeah. And your grandkids back, too. I just meant for me. I want all of our... If they're on the same team as Lila,

they've got to be great kids. What about these robots? I mean, who knows how long they've been there, too? Like, they probably learned a lot of bads. Like, every second they're with them is going to be... Wait, there's like a time dilation thing? Oh, shoot. You didn't know.

Yeah, the faster you go, the slower time moves for you, but the faster... Wait, no, actually, it's fine, because they're still on the ships. Once they're off the ships, it'll be bad by the time we get to them. Oh, no. What does that mean? But, yeah, like... What does that mean?

I don't know where they are, but depending on where they are in the galaxy, they could age anywhere up from five to 50 years before we get to each of them. Oh, my God, because of the speed of light and perception of objects moving at certain speed, certain distances. Well, that wasn't in your book because otherwise... My book was about insects. Yeah, no, but otherwise it'd be called adult sex. Oliver has medicine that he relies on And if he goes a couple weeks

Without it'll end up like me And I just can't have that So I just how's the fastest way We could get to our We get to them What I can do is the luminous we kind of hide You know, we kind of can't stay in one place for too long We have cool signals

I'll teach you some of those That'll be great if you join us You should join us And the IBS has like military outposts And like recruitment stations everywhere So I guess hypothetically, we could go talk to them or see if they have some information, get under their network.

There's one in McFadden-Gave. It's, you know, like malls. You guys have malls? Oh, yeah. Oh, we have malls. Yeah, so they've got like a recruitment center for the IBS there. So we could, if we get into their computer system, maybe we could find out where they took your grandkids.

Well, that sounds like as good a plan as any is we're likely to come up with in the next, and however long it takes they get there. So I say we go for it. Okay. Now, what about these robots? Because there's still robots running around. and I assume they're loyal to the bird person and program.

And I don't want to be in charge of anything on the ship. Well, you've got the identity keys so you can or I can do it for you if you want. We can make you the new owners of this ship if you want. Usually that takes a couple hours at the DMV. Yeah. You only say once you drive the ship off the lot too, it increases.

It loses half its value. This is not a great ship to own long term because boy, oh boy, the fuel cost. But if you want this ship, we can do that. We could also repair your ship. You guys have a ship, right? You came in on a ship. Which one's the better ship?

Which one is the ship that you would pay more money to get a JPEC? Which one would get us to our grandkids the fastest? Which one looks better and seems bigger and cooler? Pretty much all ships out here past the envelopes can go light speed or a little bit faster. The bigger ones just take a shitload more fuel to do it and fuel is expensive. So where I, you guys, and I was going for speed, if you have a smaller ship that could fit in their hangar, I would use that. I say we used a station wagon, yeah. I can program the robots to look at all of us as their owners

and I can program them to their ship. Well, wait, our owners, that's a strong word. How about friends, buddies? Friends, buddies who can tell them what to do and they have to do it no matter what. Well, we pay them. Tell them and I pull out. What's normal for a job like this?

How much? Yeah, how much hourly? Was it a contractor? For robots, zero. Let's give them 10 each then. Yeah. Nice. They're like a hundred of them. Oh.

You guys got it. You guys got a I only got a couple of bucks I'm here. I got a couple of bucks. I think we'll be okay. All my money's in Bitcoin. He's really looked at me when you said that.

I hope when we get back to Earth, I might have a nice, tasty retirement waiting for me. Bitcoin, I have a bunch of much coin. Fucking nailed it. That's pretty good. Do the robots? Can they fill up? our tank and can we all get in?

Are they all like slower because of the spyware that's been installed on them? All those robots are basically unusable. Jessica Meska does a diagnostic in the entire ship and all the ones that were in the hangar are completely fucked because they only are made for a couple of very simple tasks. And if they're spyware ridden, then they basically are hollow from the inside out. But the other ones on the ship are fine. So she brings them out. They grab some parts from the equipment bay and they repair your ship.

Good as new, pristine. There is a equipment room, right? Yes. All right, I'm going to go look in the equipment room. Give me an investigation rule so I can tell you how specific I will be with what you see. Yes, it's a natural one. Oh, we're rolling. Cleaned out completely.

The entire equipment room has to be basically cannibalized in order to refine and create the parts required to repair your ship. Damn. Damn. I discreetly go up to Roger Moore. Roger, tell me everything about this spark that you know. Is it like a white hole? like the opposite of a black hole. We have an idea back on Earth

that there's a white hole at the center. The way a black hole can assume as matter, a white hole can eject it. I would love to tell you that answer. I would like to suggest, though, that your dick could be bigger. All right. Okay, sure.

Fair enough. Now, but with regards to this, is what she said true? Can it bring someone back to life? There are many theories regarding the abilities of the spark. Because the energy coming out of it, does not match with any known law of the universe, it is impossible to predict accurately what might happen. But the two prevailing theories are as follows. One, you effectively become God

of the universe. Two, you can make any wish that you want, and then the spark will go out. But it can bring people back from the dead. Maybe. Okay. Roger, thank you. Let's keep this conversation between us, though. I won't tell anybody about the size of your dick, if that's what you're working about. If you could tell your friends that they also have penises that could be bigger, I would really appreciate that. I'll do what I can't. I also am a prince in several

planets. Wait, really? Yes. What do you mean? Well, I may temporarily deposed prince and in order to go back to retake my throne, I just need to wait, wait, hey, you know I saw, you almost got me there, Roger. I'll see you later. I have memories of them.

So you approach the Space Station McFadden Gate. It is a very large rotating circle. Do we do that thing where it's like we see like a cool vista of it and then like a ship flies over and then like the text scrawls across like like like Beep beep beep like McAdagate McFadding Gates, Star coordinates, Zip Zip, do you know what I mean? Yeah, that happens. Nice.

Like a fun little. It happens diageatically. It happens on the windshield that you were looking for. Hey, that's McFadden Gate. It is a very big rotating sort of circle, sort of a hub and spokes structure. Ralph, you know that it's seems to maintain. It looks like Deep Space Nine. It looks very much like Deep Space Nine in fact. But you know that it rotates.

so that it can make artificial gravity within itself. And they're blinking lights everywhere. Ships coming to and fro every witch away. There are a couple of very brightly lit what appear to be docks, essentially, that are particularly facing the ship that you are on, the big head. So, yeah, how do you want to go in? Jessica Messy says, I'm just going to walk in because nobody knows I'm here or who I don't have to hide from anybody.

So I'm just going to sort of go in and then talk to my friends on the scare line. Do they know who we are? Yeah, why would we have to hide? I don't know. I don't think you would. No. How much contact with human beings is the rest of the galaxy have? They're going to freak out of a bunch of wrinkly old timers.

The likes of which they'd ever seen before come out of this ship. Are we going to have to explain what we are? Actually, I would request you don't explain what you are. Because if you say you're from Earth, they know that's a dark forest planet. Where should we say that we're from? Well, it's our cover story. Maybe we're older versions of your species and we're this, you know what I mean? Maybe you're our grandkid.

And you're taking your four grandpas out on a nice time at this McFadden Gate thing. Maybe we're from a planet called E. Because Earth without art, that's E. Oh, you know about E? Yeah, E is a planet that's on the other side of your envelope. You'd be surprised a lot of planets create creatures that look almost exactly like you. They just sort of evolved in different more evolved ways. They're sort of, you know, tend to be less violent.

than humans are. Just don't tell people from Earth, telling you you're from eh, and you should be... So you're saying we're from EA. No, we're from E. You're from E. Yeah.

Yeah. We're from Earth without art. Okay, great. All right, so we're four emissaries. Is you going to do there? Wow, that's good. That's why you're a writer. Okay.

Well, yeah, so we're from E. And, uh, you know, that'll be our conversation. You will have to explain why you look the way you do, because I don't mean to be a dick about this, but most other civilizations age more gracefully. I was in a terrible action. Excellent. Great.

That'll work. Sure. You're all in the same terrible accident. All the same terrible accident. Breach. Reactor breach. A reactor breach. You all suffered from reactor breach after you left E.

Great. On the way to... So the reactor was outside of E. In the ship. Yes, a ship's reactor. Okay. We got the story straight. Oh, fellas, I think, well, we're not taking this spaceship.

Let's load back up into our... What are we calling our vehicle here? Oh. the other something that sounds science fictioning like the you know the elder millennial elder millennial what does that mean it's just two words that sound cool together

the EM has a certain gravitas elder millennial what do you think sorry I found a beef stick that's not a good name for a shipper beef stick beef stick it's got a got a ring to it the beef hey hop back down the beef that is not a beef we can go with beef

Listen, Ralph is a professional writer. So even if I don't get it, it's good. Yep. Just because I don't get it, people get it. Yeah. That's right. Anytime you criticize a writer, it's because you don't fucking get it. It's good.

He's a good writer. The elder millennial. You make a living off of it, you said, right? Yeah, we do okay. Yeah, okay. Our millennial. He's rolling in royalties. There's been just like options for fucking decades on this thing.

How low did this? Not very. They could never get past the title. All right. Let's walk in. Let's hop on. board the elder millennial or the beef stick or what have you with the elder millennial. I guess there anything you want to say to Jessica?

I thought she was wanting to. We got to stay with you, Jessica. You're our guide through this crazy world. Don't leave us. Everyone else is leaving us. I do like this ship, but okay, that's fine. You're going to steal. I could sell it.

How often you get a ship this big? Look, you do whatever you want with it. We just, we're kind of on mission here. So you can follow us in that big one if you want. I just, we need to, we should get going. All right. You got to do your own. you got to do your own trip you can't hey here's the feather it's your ship if you want it i appreciate

that it's not really ours i mean technically if it belongs to anybody it belongs to people killed this guy i can't live in a world like that hold on fellas fellas before we leave can we tell the robots to load those eye laser cannons into our ship oh interesting well i don't want to leave a poor lady out there undefended in the big wide universe one we'll trade you one eye cannon for the rest of the ship deal all right ralph spits on his hand and he goes, put her there. Uh, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, a handshake is the most.

Well, no, I just can't spit. Oh, we'll do it for you. Put your hand out. I'll put your hand out. She puts his hand out. Okay. There you go. And we shake on it.

All right. I'm glad I can't spit. So, yes, you get the robots to attach the laser cannon to the front of your ship. We will get into how the mechanics of your ship work a little bit later. Not too much later, because last time I tried to use the mechanics of a ship and they were vague. I almost died. No, but this time you asked for Roger Moore to label all the buttons, which Roger has so helpfully done with a projector that turns on

every time you enter the cockpit of your own ship. And little light-up words are found next to every single button. Roger Moore laying a course for McFaddengate. Of course. Did you tell them about the penis thing? What penis thing? What about your penis, bud? I have a deal for you, boys.

And then you docked at the... Oh, we dock. Okay. Jessica Mesco leaves the face ship out beyond an asteroid, so she can find it later. And in the elder millennial, you dock with McFaddengate. And a voice comes over the radio and says, Uh, what is your purpose here on McFaddengate? Hello, we are four amissaries from the planet eh.

And we're here to discuss trade with smart. With local business people. Okay. We're, we have merchants. We have merchants. Merchers. Oh, very good. Okay.

Uh, you are going to have. have to pay a tariff. Of course. Obviously on all goods you have. No, I thought that the end user pays the tariff. No, he changed it. It works better this way. Oh, I know that's right.

We sort of raise the price. Then that's the way. The cost is deferred to them eventually. Yeah, it kind of just comes back anyway. Go ahead and go up to the door at your airlock and just put your identities against the door. Whoever is on the ship who wants to come ashore. You don't need to see our identity. Funny story.

the thing we're actually here to buy our identity keys. That's a weird catch-22 out. Tragically, we were jumped by space pirates. That's the thing. You probably don't say space pirates. But we do. We say space pirates.

And he looked us in the eyes and he's like, look at me. I'm the captain now. And I was so scared, but I couldn't act. I couldn't act scared because I had to keep it together. But then when they finally rescued us, that's when we kind of fell apart. And we don't have our keys.

We're here to get new keys. in addition to our merchant business as previously stated. You hear pause, or you hear the lack of a... Wait, do I get to roll for this? Pause, are they furries? Yeah, go ahead and roll. Anthony, I have a plus five to charisma.

So it sounds like you may have walked into a room that is not the right room to walk into. I got a 22. Ooh. He goes, just a second. And then you can hear the static of the radio. Is there fun sci-fi weight music? No, it just turns off.

Damn, they disconnect from you. On the future, they don't do it anymore. But then there is a... blinking red light on a console in the cockpit and it says private line. Oh, thanks for labeling that. No one pressed to eject next to it. Hello? Okay, so you guys don't have your papers, I'm assuming.

You're like refugees or something. Who is this? This is the guy you were just talking to. Okay. Cool. They don't listen to this to private one-to-one conversations. As we said, we were robbed of our identities. No, no, no, it's fine.

You've got to talk straight to me. Yeah, we do this all the time. You just need to, you know, bribe me. Oh, okay. Well, you have the nicest voice I have ever heard. That's a compliment. You take the dollar, right? You take dollars.

Your own planet's currency? No, no, this is Earth dollars. No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you got $2. You got $2.00 from Earth? Yes, rare specimens. Sorry, I don't know if I can do a deal with somebody who's carrying birch that hot. We're not from Earth. We're not from Earth.

We've got some dollars. We've got some dollars. Go ahead and now roll. Disseller. I got a 15. Oh, I got 15 too. Okay. He's going to roll a posed insight.

He's got to do it twice, though. Because we got 30. When you put them together, he got 30. Good luck on D20. Fucking being that one, idiot. He rolled a three. Oh, not even close. 27 more.

Like next time. Either multiply it by 10 or add 27, you loser. So he goes, okay, okay. If it's just, you have hot goods, that's fine. Yeah. Why do you think the Pays Pirates were after us? Yeah. They wanted our Earth dollars.

Ah, space. Oh, that part's true. Okay, sure, whatever. Now, we hit them up our keister, but they were in a vessel, so they're clean. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. I'm going to let you in. The guards are going to take you to the bathroom. And once I've got the dollars in my hand, you're free to go.

All right. Well, that answers my first question. Where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? Second question. Okay, yeah. So, wait, what do you want us to give you? You can come on or show.

ship and kind of just take something anything you want. Well, it sounds, you said what you have is in, what I want is in your assets. Oh, great, you want the dollars. Yes. Great. Oh, yeah. How much you want? All of them.

Okay. I take out. Wow, this guy's bad at negotiating. You can hear him say to somebody else. I don't see me. I take out a $1 bill and I put it in, I bet you this is going to make them go crazy. Yeah. I feel like you might want.

We see, you said, how many do you want? Maybe try to. I think there's got to be more than one. I've got five singles. Okay. I got, including myself. You're not, no, no, no, I'm very happily in a relationship with candy. I was just saying a joke.

It's a good joker. But do you do that thing where you have the 20 and then you hide the ones in it? Yes, exactly. Exactly. I do a 20, a 5, and 5.1. This is a cheap skate who's stiffed someone on the tip before. 30 bucks not so bad to get into the station. I'm thinking.

The airlock opens a tube telescopes out from your airlock to theirs. They connect with a, and you hear the sound. of oxygen being pumped in from the space station. The door's open and a couple of men in, there's no other way to say it. Sci-fi-ass armor. It's really shiny. It's plate mail kind of looking. Modular.

Modular. Synthetic materials, synthetic materials, dude. Like if you made an iPod a person. Wow. Scroll wheel era or post-scroll wheel. Scroll wheel era. So then I robot, if you will. Wow.

I walked on that one. So they raise their hands at you. They're just pointing their blank hands at you. And they go, all right, this way. All right. Let's head of the bathroom. Okay. Ah, good.

Lead the way. All right, we go to the bathroom. Okay, so you go to the bathroom when you come out. As we go out, I'm like, boys, we're not an A anymore. That's true. Oh, so when you walk in, you see, is like the busiest shopping mall you've ever been in. It's shoulder to shoulder. I've been busy.

I'm just saying they, baby, they've been. I've been involved all around the world. I mean, you're used to, like, speedwalking around malls for exercise with your friends. Yeah. The cruise ships are essentially just malls of the sea. Like I'm just, yeah. You know what?

Actually, you're pretty much at home. It is very great quarters like a cruise ship. And there's... Do they need a Santa? Multi-colored lights everywhere. Love it when the lights are more than one color. Stores neon. A lot of neon.

Holographic signs showing people pointing a product that you have no idea what they are. Is it like Singapore? Yeah, kind of. Is it like a Blade Runner-ass, like giant, like, giant, like display? Where's the giant pink lady? Where's the pink lady? Where's the pink lady? There are literally giant pink ladies every three feet.

All different branch, too. And sad guys look it up at them. Every pink lady and squinting at it. But then they turn off and then you see somebody rooting their pocket and put a coin in and the pink lady comes back. And this is a line of other sad guys waiting for their tour. Hey, come on. Hey, hey, hey, we got us. Stop holding our arms here.

Come on, hurry up. I need a stare, I need a stare wistfully at a giant holographic pink lady. They're like, hey, I'm bleeding out here. You're maybe not as amazed as you thought. you were going to be upon entering the space station. Yeah, no, I work here. I work in a mall. Yeah, I guess so.

As you exit, you see that a pretty slovenly looking guy with sort of the same armor that those other guys have on, but it's just like looser. That's our dirtbag. It's not that he's like slavily like big. He's dishevelled hot. He's disheveled and hot. He looks extremely lazy and extremely hot, the ideal man.

If there was a tie on this outfit, it'd be loosened. Yes, very much so. And he goes, Oh, yeah. Can you hear the sound of my fingers rubbing together on my? Yes, yes, Earp.

Here you go, bud. So he grabs it. Oh, do you, I feel like it's a dexterity roll to fucking masculinely do the Mator D handoff. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I try to do the little Mator D handoff.

Okay, roll slide of hand. Try and dab them up and hide a bill. It's a nine. It's sweaty. So you proffer it very unstimely. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, dropped it. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's good move. Good, yes. I pick it up. He leans over. No, I mean, your head balk. And then you both touch the dollars at the same time.

And he looks up at you. Sorry. You kiss? Sorry. Why would I kiss this man? Oh, okay. That's fine.

No, that's fine. Hey, so he takes the, he goes, yeah, he's trying to play it. Cool,

you can tell. He goes, yeah, go ahead, go ahead. Here's some visitor passes and he hands you out. Cards.

It's a big, blank red card that each of you get. I like that the guards take you to the bathroom first. Why do we go there? So you can poop out your, Money. Yeah.

No, but is it normal? Are the other cards in our money? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, because you said our money was in our butts. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Oh, wow.

Anthony was role playing better than I was. Do the cards have like a special note for Dale that's like, do you like me, check one or no? Or yes or not. Your has to check yes. And I hand it back. There's a cor, like you, bud. Now where's my ID? He looks from you to the money, from you to the money.

He goes, this is the best day for it. And then he hands it back to you. Jessica messes with you. she's been a part of this the whole time. She went in the bathroom with you. She's like, hey, guys, I'm here too. She sort of throws her arms out and says, so this is McFaddengate.

Pretty much anything you want is here. I know you don't have any money. We can take care of that. We got a lot of earth dollars. Okay, well, those are super illegal, so try not to flash those around. Okay. Too much.

And yeah, we just got a... Is there like a currency exchange kind of place? So we could like... There is, yeah. But again, not with illegal money. Is there an illegal money exchange place? Yeah, probably like this. There's a pretty active black market.

Okay. But the main thing is that we want to go to the IBS recruitment office, right? Yes. I'm looking at one of the big mall maps. Like, you don't what I mean? Like those like the- How can you focus on the mall map when there's this giant pink lady staring at you right next? No, no, no, no, no, look at the pink lady. No, no, no, no, no, you'll spend too much money on it. She could fix me. No, no, no, no, no, everybody thinks that. I got to get these glasses that filter that out. It appears to be the recruitment station is here next to the, wow, they have cinema. Bon here. Oh, wow.

You guys have Cenabon on Earth. Okay, cool. Oh, and there's an anti-ans? I'm learning a lot today. A Wexels. Kelly's cookies. What did they sell on your planet?

Well, they're synobon. Of course, Perisivore. Pretzels. Big pretzels. Giant tasty cinnamon oils. Hot dog on a stick. Oh, weird. They're all named the same thing, but they do sell different things here.

Weird. This sci-fi universe is so crazy. What does? Hold on. What does that? Waitsles. what are you selling here? So they, she's going to walk you over to the IBS because she's so many things and NPCs we can interact with.

We got to invite our Greg kids. Let's stop there first. Let's get recruited. Business before pleasure. Yes. Yes. Of course. Let's go get recruited.

Unless you're retired. And then I just don't have business anymore. It's all pleasure in Dale's life. She is waiting until I can get back to my wife though. Okay. Soon. She is leading you. There's no pleasure without her.

Jesus. Sorry. Sorry. I drifted. Sorry. I drifted. No, it's fine. It's fine. I'm sorry. Keep going. It's fine. It's fine. Dale. She's in front of you leading you to the IBS recruitment facility. You turn a corner and she goes, there. And as she says there it is, you hear a blast, a laser blast. And a beam of light goes straight through her skull. And she trumbles to the ground.

Completely immobile. And as she falls behind her, you can see a holographic poster that says, Have you seen this ship with a picture of the elder millennial honor? Oh. Oh. That's our ship. We should probably tell them we've seen it. We have seen it, though. We should let them know.

Yes. Yes. To the giant pink lady, I nod. I nod and I smile as she gazed deep into my soul. Here's a tasty morsel from our Patreon after show for this season, Safe Space. I can tell you right now that having kids, and the experience of like being around kids that are, it is magical.

And it's an incredible period in your life. And by the time your kids have kids, that's been gone from your life for 20 years maybe. Do you know what I mean? Rolito's six months now, like we're going to sleep training this weekend. I'm like, I'm not going to rock him to sleep anymore. I don't get that again.

Yeah. Until one of them as a real eyes. You game plus. No, Will, this is beautiful, but you forget who you're talking to. Freddie, yeah. Think about how much you loved it when Mist was remade.

That nostalgia. Now imagine if 40 years from now they made even another misremayers even better. I downloaded it immediately. Here are the rest of that and much, much more

at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Supporting us on Patreon supports this show directly gets you ad-free episodes and also, frankly, gets you a lot of bonus content, audio and video

because you boy knows his way around the camera. Patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Also, here's something you should check out pure coincidence. We're running Dark Matter this season to theme 5E for our sci-fi needs. And Mageehan Press, the creators of Dark Matter right now, just launched a Kickstarter for the Dark Matter Megabox.

Pure Coincidence. There's links in the description of the episode. I think it's only fair that we tell you about their Kickstarter. We're just using their system after all. Check it out. Dungeons and Days is Matt Arnold is Dale Elliott. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Ralph Estereus. Beth May is Herb, the Worm Quigley, and myself, Freddie Wong. Ashley Birch. Our theme song is conventional

wisdom by Maxton Waller. And Nisa Omeran is our content producer. Ashley Blood is our community manager. Cortin Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash

Dungeons and Dads. Our merch, you can find that on our website, Dungeons and Daddies.com. Our next episode coming at you in two weeks, March 10th. We'll see you then. Here's how I did it. You know, I was I was working in Gotham, and I was doing some crimes. And it's kind of a dark city.

I was kind of in a bad move while I was there. And there was these henchmen that were auditioning to be part of my crew. And then somebody said, hey, we don't take you seriously. That made you mad, huh? That made me mad because I think it was because my nickname at the time, well, my nickname right now, of course, is The Worm. The Worm. But at the time it was the Joker.

And so they were like, you don't even, you don't even know how to do magic tricks. So I got this pencil. I got this pencil. Wait, do you know how to do magic tricks? Yeah, I know how to magic. So that made you mad. Yeah, it made me mad.

And so I took this pencil and I disappeared it into this guy's head. And how do you do that? I've never seen, I've seen cards come out. Yeah, it was magic, though. It was magic. Well, you say, how did it go? How did you do it? So a lot of magic is slight a hand, but this I like to think was slight of,

head.