Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 3 - Store Wars: Darth Mall - Bargain Hunter

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

grandson where is the brookstoneThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.*NOTE: We have had a few technical difficulties due to a medical emergency in our editing team, so thank you for your patience as we make adjustments! Intro sung by Elsa JSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, or perhaps we should say, Grandpas and Galaxies. A grand space, opera, about four gilfs who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids and perhaps the entire known universe in the process. My name is Freddy Wong. I play Ashley Birch.

Ashley with a knee, birch like the tree. God. Born in 64, Ashley's the youngest boomer, a twin galaxy's era arcade pro gamer turn Twitch streamer along for the ride. This week's grandpa fact about old Ashley Birch, supple prostate. The exact words, the exact words from his GP's mouth. Is supple what you want? Do you need a new, flexible prostate? Yeah.

That's good or bad? Well, tell you what, you don't want it lumpy. That's fair? That's fair. So supple means it's twanged up in all the right way. Hey, everybody. I'm Matthew Arnold and I play Dale Elliott, the World Cruise Living,

ex-life guard, widow of one, father of four, grandfather of seven, and he hopes you're having a good time. And speaking of good times, just a little fact. Just a little,

just you want to know. I mean, I don't want to get crass. I won't get into all the good times they had. But all you need to know is that he met his wife, Zelda. She's sort of a link to his past. Yes,

yes. She was a, she was a, she was a woman's swim coach at his college. So a little bit of a little bit of, you know, she was a little bit older than college swimmers. They're fucking, dude. Like, there's a whole thing about it.

Dale was a call swimmer and let's just say he got the eye and he. Dale's the reason that stereotype exists. Yeah. That's the only, that's pretty much because Dale's lifestyle, like he shouldn't have lived longer than her. But she was a good 18 years older than him. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos and I play Ralph Estereus. He is a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died.

My fact about Ralph, I've been talking up how Ralph was the resident insect slash bug expert. of the team with his wife cooking when they were writing the teen sect books. Ralph's favorite bug fact concerns the humble armadillium vulgari also known as the rolypoly. Wow. Did you know that the roly polypoli is not actually an insect?

What? A crustacean. It's the only crustacean known to have completely adapted to living on land. Holy shit. Well, what makes it a crustacean, then. Yeah, knowing that it's a Custachian has made me gone to like, oh, Roli Polly, they're like, I

wouldn't fuck with one now. Dude, they got fucking gills, dude. That's crazy. They've got gills? Yeah. They've got gills. They have unusual body functions. Haven't you all tried to drown

and early polly and found that it didn't work? No. No. Okay, right. I'm a serial killer. Their diet includes self-corprofugs. Yes, they eat their own feces, which allows them to obtain nutrients.

They miss the first time around. Let's be honest. Let's be honest, dude. You'd never argue about what to have for dinner. So this was, Ralph knows a lot. What do you want for dinner? Last night's dinner.

What you want for dinner? Yours or mine. Me loaf again. Jesus. Oh no. Wait, but they're in bugs life. Yes, so this is why Ralph knows so much about roly polies is he and his wife thought that the roly pulley was an insect when they had the one of the bad boy heart throbs of the teen sec team

turn into a roly polly because they're like, oh, you know, he acts all tough, but really when he gets scared, he just wants to withdraw into his shell. And then a bunch of fucking. nerds were like that's not a real insect so then they had to do all but it actually kind of opened the story up because they're like oh he finds out there's a whole other world of teens that are turning into shrimps and lobsters and stuff like that

and he's secretly one of them and he's infiltrated the teen sects do you know what I mean? Nice. So it's like one of those. I'd be so annoyed if I had transformative powers and it was you can be shrimp. Oh no if I could turn it. Oh yeah no his name was a Roland pole. Roland pole turns

out he again he was like the sort of like brooding bad boy and then he was secretly a member of the crustines. Yeah, the crustines. Roland is a good bad name. Roland pole is also what they called Dale in college once he started banging this movie. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play

Herb the Worm Quigley. A young at Hart Barbarian's storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Fun fact, Herb auditioned to be the shark in the movie Jaws. They ended up going with a robot shark because Herb was too skinny. And now he can

hold his breath for six minutes straight. Also, he was alive for Woodstock, but did not attend. Well, hold on, hold on. Are we all alive for Woodstock? There's still a fact about someone else. He was like, you know, he didn't attend. But we don't know about our characters.

That's true. And let's save that for another day. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your grandpa master. If I sound different, it's because I'm sick. And if they sound different, it's because they're talking to the back of my head rather than my face,

which makes me, I think, seem a little bit more evil and remote. It's sick. It actually kind of feels like we're all your Freudian analyst right now. Oh, interesting. Okay. Today's epigramph is, let me tell you something about Humann's nephew.

There are wonderful, friendly people as long as their bellies are full and their hollow sweets are working. But take away their creature comforts. Deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time. And those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people will become as nasty and as violent as the most bloodthirsty clean on. Cork, got to be cork.

Quark from DS9, Star Trek, Deep Space Nine. Congratulations. Best sci-fi television shows ever made. If you haven't watched it, give it a chance. So when we last left you, you had just gotten off the elder millennial because you docked at McFadden Gate. And as you were walking up to an IBS, I really hate all these

back-to-back. You came up with my... That was the most pronouns done in a sentence on this podcast. Yeah. Proper pronouns. That's not like that. Most pronouns. Looking for a pronoun joke in there? And they're like,

I don't know. Wait, proper now. Yeah, no, that sucks that I just did that. I'm sorry.

No, I think that makes me, I guess so, you look, we're endurance, dude. I know I'm a pretty cool guy if I'm a dirt.

And I heard so many proper now. I got so pumped. Matt, editing his own Wikipedia article in that sentence. The only thing that gets me more pumped, the only thing you could possibly do is when you throw some fucking apostrophies into those names, like in the middle of the word.

I love a problem. I have a rule. I didn't realize it was a rule that it was a consistent pattern with fantasy games that I've played, where if in the opening scroll, because they all have one, there are more than two proper downs in the first, like, paragraph, I close it. I feel the same way, Anthony. I'm so scared of proper nouns. I don't even play video games.

Yeah, no, it's not as bad. Anyway, you are on your way to an IBS recruitment station, like the kind is that the Army has at the mall in our world. Yes. And Jessica Meska, the sort of flesh shifting member of, the luminous who you helped escape from the bounty hunter's ship turned a corner and suddenly was cut down by a blast to the skull and she fell down and behind her was a screen with a picture of the millennial saying have you seen this ship?

Katzooks. I hit the deck. Oh! I drop it. I'll be up. Oh, no, no, no, no, Jessica! You hear the stompbs of boots coming from the direction where the shot originated and they are headed towards you. They will be at you

basically in one action. What are you going to do? Can you just describe just a quick review of our surroundings and possible escape paths? Pretend I'm like Jason board. First of all, you know where all of the cool stores are. Okay. You know that you can go inside one, open up

a register, and take all the money. But you don't even know who you are and how is that possible in your hands are shaking? How do I know that? So we know where like the Brookstone is. You as you know, I can eat 10 wetzel pretzels before my chest starts hurting. If they shot, and kill Jessica. They might be one turn away from us,

but there's zero turns. I know what I'm just saying for the group here. There's zero turns away from us in terms of people to kill us. I think Ben Hurts just going to scratch his head and be like, I haven't seen that ship. I will also remind you that this is a very crowded place. Yeah. It was a very well-placed laser bolt.

It didn't seem to hit anybody else. Oh, I'm going to go to Spacy's department store. Spaceses. So you're going to get up and run for Spaces? Yeah, I'm going to because I'm like, Okay, we'll lose them in Spaces. Okay, well, I'm just going to help her quick before I run off. Sorry, I was so focused on coming up with an alien mall name.

It's okay. This is why I know, can I do a quick look to see if, is there anything I can do? You know, I know I'm only a lifeguard. If there's anything you can do about this messica that Jessica has left behind. So you look at Jessica, and as you do, you see that the laser bolt basically cleaved a canyon into the center of her head. It hit her high. And T-1000.

Her whole body begins to like melt in this weird way. It's pretty clear. And just kind of loses its elasticity and just sort of becomes this like liquid fleshy thing. Like is it all together? It's all one big puddle. You scoop her up? Yeah.

Can I scoop it up? Is it like Gack? Like if I grab some of it, does it all come together? Oh, interesting. Is it a Gack or is it water? Let's say it's Gack. Is Gack? I pick it up.

Quick, put her on a newspaper. You'd have something. you can put her in. Oh, is there like a Popcornopolis? Yes. Just give me a D20 Roll just for luck's sake. I got her 16. So yeah, there is something akin to a Popcornobulus. Instead of popcorn

you see that it's little like mechanical bugs that just sort of hop back and forth, but they are in what looks to be identical to the old red and white stripes, you know, paper popcorn buckets that you would get in the 50s or the 80s or whatever the fuck. They have like one of those Christmas tins. Do you know what I mean?

Like the big tin buckets. that you put the popcorn in? Different compartments, but her legs here, body here, and her head. Yeah, they don't have,

they don't have the awesome Christmas tins, but what they do have is a limited edition, I guess it's a movie tie-in thing, and it's just like this girl going... Don't you mean a hollow synthos film? Do you mean a Joy Toy XPD? Yeah,

but you have the translators in so it would probably translate to something that you understand. Yeah, Joy Toy XBee. Okay, sure, sure. It looks like a tie-in for a hollow vid. Yes.

Fuck, yeah. And it's an image of a woman, a stride of, bear and they both look like a little bit worried about how much they love one another. It looks like a romantic comedy. Hey, Ralph, put Jessica in that popcorn bucket

and she'll really be a butter face. Because you said that originally, remember? Well, you said that. No, I didn't say that. It was... I said it, but I was just talking about because we literally couldn't see her face. Yeah, and now I'm saying it because there's this butter on popcorn.

Okay, so you spent your turn, grabbing Jessica and putting her inside of a popcorn box. Yeah, do I have to, like, pay for this bucket? It's my weight. Wow. My God, you're saying it's space they have like a pink berry, but for popcorn? That would be sick, dude. But the popcorn is bugs.

Okay, yeah, so I grab one of the large buckets and I scoop her up into it. The guy at the booth says that'll be... Oh, I'm not eating her. Can I just take one of your buckets? This isn't your food in here. You want a free bucket? him. I think I'm having a heart turn. Will you go to roll persuasion? Beth,

you're going to roll performance. Oh, that's 24. 24. Wow. High person. I got a high charisma. I got an 11. This creature who is a sort of a tentacle being with one big eye looks at you and goes, no, you're not. And then looks back at...

I guess not. But you never know. Can't be too careful. Looks back at Ralph and goes, yeah, you can take the bucket for free one. Thanks very much. Is there anything in your books or anything like, maybe it's, I don't know, she's not human. So I just thought maybe she could take her with us. Maybe they'd become back.

Yeah. We'll figure it out. Well, she's, Have you all noticed? We've had a little adventure right now, right? We've got some popcorn. Yeah, haven't we? Yeah,

but like, none of us have gone shot. You spent since that first shot. You spent your turn doing that, which means that you hear, right as you're having this conversation, the Trump of Boots, turn the corner and you see two people

in kind of shining black, plaz steel kind of armor. Shit, dude. You're telling me we got plastic steel this time? Yeah, yeah. Fuck yes. Yeah. You know what?

The money's probably going to be credits too. Oh, yeah. We can call them credits. Yeah. Oh my God. I got like noticeably more pumped

that we're in a plastial-based universe now. But they're really sleek uniforms and they're black. And they see you guys and they see a little drop of Jessica messica sort of flop its way back into the bucket. And they see, you know, her lack of. No, they be stealing my bucket. And they go, no, no, she's dangerous. She's dangerous. We don't want to hurt you and they holster their guns.

What? What? You're dangerous. You shot this lady. Yeah, she's dangerous. You just shoot anything that's dangerous. Oh, she's not. I'm glad.

I'm glad you never give her. You guys haven't met a sculpture yet. I can explain everything. Just do not try. Leave her there. All right. I'm rolling in sight. Can we keep our bucket?

I mean, with her in it. We got the bucket. It's our bucket. They gave it to us. I got a one on my inside, so I don't think I can't tell. Look, this is a strange world we're in, boys. Like, I always say, like, you know, I think both sides have problems. You know, pretty much any two sides, there's going to be, but at the same time,

no, sometimes one side says, well, they're not good. And the other guy says that they're not good. What side had problems in World War II? Huh? I said, what side had problems in World War II? Well, I mean, that's okay. Well, I mean, if you're going to go to the classics. I was just, you know, but it's complicated.

Some things are complicated. I don't want to hear you say it. Yeah, Ralph. Ralph, before we continue with this adventure, Ralph, the two guards from the IBS are like, we kind of want to hear you say it too. Ralph, just clarify. Let me be clear.

I'm not saying I supported the allies in World War, and whenever I was on the playground, I played as the allies. I don't, I don't. It feels ridiculous to even say I'm not a Nazi. And then I don't think the Nazis were good. They were not good. I was just giving you shit, Raul.

But you know what? What are you a question for you guys? What about some of the allies didn't always do things that were great? I agree So think about that I agree So that's all I'm saying

Even good sides can do bad things I think we don't have guns These people were in it We're strangers We're guests in this land I would like to find my grandkid Let's hear about Yeah so they did host their laser pistols

These are laser pistols They're slightly different Gentlemen are you Or but their hands are still on the hill Yes What should we call you? Hello we're new here And we're just looking for our grandkids

The two you see actually look kind of weirdly similar. They do look light. Except one of them is blue and one of them has green skin. And the blue skin one raises his non-gun holding hand and says, Sergeant Mandor hook hand, nice to meet you. Mandor hook hand, that's quite the name. That's quite the name. Amanda Rex Steiner. Thank you, Amanda Rex Steiner.

That's quite the name. I put my hand out to shake it. He shakes it. All right. Universal language, a handshake. A good handshake. The green guy steps forward and says, I'm Sergeant Handor Hookman.

Also from Amanda Reckstein. Wait, so your handor? And what's your name, sir? We're not related. Mandor and Handor. Mandor and Handor. Mandor and Handor and Handor. All right, Mandor and Handor.

I think it would be best if we talked not on the causeway, not in the promenade. Okay, but the bucket stays with us. Because we haven't made up our minds yet. It'll take her a couple hours to reform, so that's fine. Okay, quick, quick, where we're going is an office of some sort? Yes. You got coffee for our visitors. Oh, that's a good one.

coffee. Oh, like an energy soda? We have energy sodas. Yeah. All of us always on the energy drinks. That's what you guys got. It'll be the death of us. But you know what?

I can't stop. I'm going. I'm just going. I just want to know if we should stop. I just need a little pep. No, well, we got you. We're good. That's great.

Okay. So they lead you back to the, the recruitment office. And they go past the countertop and lead you into the back room. And in the back room, they open a little, what looks to be a fridge and they take out four translucent glass. They're like cylinders that look sealed on both ends and they just hand you each one

and they're cold. What side do I? What alcohol is from? Oh, oh, Mandor grabs one and slams the bottom on the table and you hear a crack sound and a bubbling liquid begins to come up from the bottom and then he turns it around and slams the other side and you hear another crack and another bubbling liquid comes up and they interact with each other and then suddenly you see steam arising from a vent

on the top of the cylinder and he hands it back to you and he says just wait for the vent to stop venting and then you can take a drink I will not be putting this in my body this is the most fun I've had doing shots since I first had an Irish car bomb and I'm gonna try it immediately. I'm gonna slam that mother

yeah I'm slamming that flavor profile Anthony. Anthony describe flavor profile it tastes like someone coming up behind you someone coming up behind you Someone coming up behind you is scary you. Someone coming up and behind.

It sounds like someone grabbing you from behind, but then you turn around into your best friend and it's okay. So a little scary. So you get a big burst of energy. And then weirdly arousing. Weirdly arousing. But you're psyched. That's the flavor it is.

That's the flavor it is. You are energetic from the adrenaline is being scared, but you are happy because you're not actually in any danger. I'm looking at it. So Ralph has got his bifocals out and he's looking at the ingredients list on the back. I don't recognize any of these. And, you know, I'm very a duet. You know, we watch a lot of nutrition videos on the online.

You like Diet Coke. Yeah, I used to drink a lot of Diet Coke. You would recognize a single ingredient, even on our earth's diet code. I'm okay. You guys can have one of mine. And at some point I'll talk to you about intermittent fasting. That's what I've been doing. And it's got me, I feel great.

I got a lot of energy. I'm okay. I respect that, Ralph. I heard that the keto diet solves a lot of mental illness. Well, there's conflicting science about keto, but, you know, it's the only science. I agree. The only science, I just look at my. bod if it's still doing good, then I was doing the right thing.

What about Ralph, what about a steak-based diet? Okay, guys, so we're going to lead you. You see two rooms in the back behind the countertop. One of them has an open door and you can see what looked to be like sci-fi-ass computers where it's like, you know, just floating images that you manipulate with your fingies, no buttons. And the other door, I'll explain it later. I've heard that a lot.

The man door opens the other door and there is just, just a bunch of chairs, next to its table there. Oh, and a big window on one. Okay, we're all sitting. We're all immediately sitting. Oh, it's a load off.

Okay, so, so you go into this second room and you sit down. Never let them take you to a second location. Unfortunately, you did from that, but he closes the door behind you. There is a mirror on one of the walls. Wait,

Anthony, you've revealed a crucial detail, which is, are you saying that we're not in a slighty door future? We're not, not at those. manual doors. Manual doors, dude. It's too hard to dust sliding doors. Slydos are ineffective. I think it is a budgetary concern for the IBS. I think maybe you will run it to some sliding doors at places that are more well-longed.

Well, as long as the doors aren't the ones where you got to push a button and then open it somehow with there's no handle. They got rid of the fucking handles on cars. I hate it. Yeah. I believe these guys were going to tell us something. Oh, yeah. You are sorry. You were saying. Yes. The. blue guy, Mandor, sits across from you and says, Mandor blue, andor green. Mandor, blue. I don't want to put my foot in this one. I love your band, man.

I love your band. I don't. These guys. Where are our grandkids? These guys, they drum. Great. Okay, yes. Where are your grandkids?

That was my question. What did she say to you? It wasn't really what she said. It was like she put a finger in our brains and we experienced something. You gentlemen are from the, IBS were familiar with the galactic war and the spark. And it seems that the luminous here are there, well, you know, they're trying to revive people of some kind.

Did she mention the law of equivalent exchange in relation to that wish? Is it the, what? If they want to survive planets worth of people, in order to do that, they have to kill an equal number of people who already live right now. That is, I assume she did not mention that. That's really interesting. And we wish you guys the best in terms of, is sorting all that out.

We're just trying to get our grandkids back. They've been taken. No one signed a permission form. And we'd like to bring them back home. How much do you know about where they are? Yeah, I was about say, Ralph, did they say... Actually, very little. The IBS have them or do the...

Yes, it was the IBS. These guys took our bankers. Took our grandkids, I think... Which, again, I'm sure you seem like responsible people. Maybe you were just scared of, you know... Well, no, you did take them. No, you took them. I demand immediately.

I didn't personally take anybody. Okay, I'm not blaming you, sir. Or because you're in the band. What is this group of guys and they're blue like that? Oh, I see. No, Ralph, you're thinking of the blue man group. Yeah. Are they good?

I'm always looking for new. You have blue people on your planet too? Sorry, just real quick. Do you know where we are right now? No, I know. We're not in Las Vegas. This is we're in space. The idea that the blue man group would have a sort of presence in outer space.

Although the blue man group does tour. That they were the blue man group. They're not the blue man group. Mr. Amandor, Mr. Handor, is there a way we could see our grandkids? So we can just go home. It seems very clear that there's a lot going on. And I wish you the best.

We're just four old fogies just trying to grind our grandkids. Just give them to us. And speak for yourself. He waves you at you to sort of cut you off. And he says, Mr. Handor is, you know, is in the other room. He's just watching the perimeter, making sure nobody's going to comfort you or hurt you. I just need to know how much she told you about where the kids might be. Why?

I don't know. Why do you need to know what we know? I don't like the way this interrogation is going. Okay. Because do you want, wait, are you, you're on a need to know basis. I am curious. You don't want to get. You know what, no, I'll be completely honest with you.

We are at war with the luminous. Yeah, we got that. Yes. And it would be valuable intel for us to know if they know where we took the grandchildren. Hang on. Hang on, fellas. What are you going to give us in exchange? I will take you to the grandchildren, of course.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. So that's easy. Yeah. They didn't tell us. Gentlemen, Okay. So what are you?

I'm just going to consult with my colleagues for just a moment here. Okay. Okay. What's up? No, where? So he gets up and leaves the room and closes the door behind him. Are they listening to us?

Well, let's put a, oh, hold on. I've been enough prisons and enough places. Who's got the best singing voice? What? It's just like you. It had to be you. Wow.

That's great. That was great. I never was musical. I wish I could. It's really, you're blessed. Wanderer. Now, while he's singing, do we know where, do we actually know where the kids are? Did she actually know?

They let them in Fadden Gates. She said we could go to McFadden Gate to learn where they might be. That's fine. I don't think she actually knows anything. No, but this guy knows where they are, so let's go and just, I mean, let's be clear. I'm confused, right? You guys, I'm pretty sure. You see, you, Rob, you see much from one.

I'm not going to lie. I don't have to lie. Hey, Mr. Handor, come back in. Good, I ran out of lyrics. Manderer comes back in. It's confusing. She said, look, I know Luminos. I know IBSs.

I get it. You guys mad at each other. And look, I get it. She told us a bunch of stuff. Honestly, most of it didn't make any sense to me. Yeah, it kind of bounced off of us. Oh, I know. The only thing I can really understand right now is that you have our grandkids.

That'd be great. If you could show them to us, that'd be awesome. If any of the I told you was helpful, that's great. I would love to help. That's the most I can do right now. Do you feel like you are telling the truth in this moment? pretty confused, bud. I, I, DM am asking you this.

Do you feel like you're telling the truth in this moment? Did she tell us where they were? No, she did not. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I am trying to tell the truth. That is what Dale. Go ahead and roll persuasion with advantage then.

That's a 13 and an advantage you gave me. That's an 18. Okay. So he looks into each of your eyes in order and then back the other way. One after the other. And that's he tells the truth. So does righty. He, uh, it's not a puzzle.

Ask either I is always telling you the truth. They'll tell, I tell the truth, sir. You know what? I believe you. And he hits the desk with his hand and says, gosh darn it, we are going to go find your kids. I will be right back.

Grandkids. Grandkids, right, grandkids, oh, grandkids, oh, that's why you look like that. Like what? Like loose. Most of the intel we've got

from your moving pictures and stuff is like really tight-skinned people. Well, we thought that was the maximum age. You know, that's what we call movie magic. What you got to be looking as. Oh, you guys have bad.

Magic magic is a thing up here. A film like Space Cowboys. Yeah. We did get that one. We thought that was disgusting. We thought it was a horror movie. Anyway, I'll be right back. Hammer's got a mouth on him, man.

He knows that room. Mendoor leaves the room and closes the door behind him. Ashley, you have an amazing singing voice. You can join the Blue Man group if you wanted to when we get home to. They don't know that they sing. Not yet. Not yet they don't see. I know what you're talking about.

I saw him once also confusing, in my opinion. and I don't remember a lot of singing. Not yet. Yeah. You're right. That's why he could join the Blue Man group. That's honestly, that's what I was confusing. I went to a show and there's no reception.

I was going to, you know, 17. You hear a very high-pitched wine coming from the floor. Oh, no. At our age 19. I got a nine. I can only hear lower registers. I want to investigate the floor. Yes, I would like to investigate the floor as well.

I would also like to investigate the floor. How could you roll? 17. Okay. I got a natural 20 on my investigation. Okay. With a natural 20, you notice that not only is the floor made of metal, but the chairs are made of metal and the table is made of metal. Uh-oh.

Yeah, well. That noise is getting higher and higher in pitch. Oh, I think we're about to get electrocuted. I'm just putting that on one leg. I stand on one leg on tippy toes. The mirror across from you stops being reflective and becomes transparent. And you see Mandor look at Handor and go, you fucking make it go back. Make it go back.

It doesn't matter. Whatever. And you see Mandor pressing a bunch of buttons on this keyboard. And you see from backwards, admittedly, because you're looking at it from the other side. But you see that indeed, it looks like an electrical charge is building to kill you. Oh, God.

We're in a microwave. I'm going to throw... Yeah, I'm going to help with this. Throw a chair at the mirror. Yeah. Okay, great. Give me a strength check. I throw the mirror.

I got a 13. I got an 18 minus 1, a 17. So with a 17, the... The chair slams against the mirror, and it scuffs it a little bit. It looks like, you know, it did enough damage that if you had a lot of time, you could probably make a hole in it, maybe one even big enough to climb through. But this is a broom where they do this to people. So it looks like they've pretty well proofed it from that.

We got shoes on, right? It just Googled how to avoid being electrocuted. And the first thing is turn off the power breaker. Nice. Thanks, Google. We've got more information for you. Yep. There's someone we didn't tell you something big.

Roll deception? With disadvantage, actually, because you convinced him that you all told him the truth. All right. Well, 21 with no advantage. Oh, disadvantage. Okay, let's see how it goes next time. That's a nine. He shrugs and, you know, mouths, I'm sorry.

You can hear me. I think you guys told me everything, you know, but we don't, you know, it's, you know, you get it. Wait, we know where she's from, though. We know where she, we could. Yeah, we do too. That's why we went and got her. But it's okay. You're cool.

Wait, I hold the bucket up and I am about to dump it over. And I say, you fry us. I dump her on the ground and she dies too. That's fine. Why didn't you kill her if you were? Wait, wait, we could all stand on her. Yes. Everyone get in the bucket.

Pour her out and we can stand on her. Only one of us needs to stand in the bucket. The rest of us just hold hands. Our grandkids only listen to us. They're pouring, right? Very good. Meanwhile, please continue pouring. Okay.

So what are you? What are you doing? I, as a group, give me... No, don't pour liquid. I already did it. I pour, I pour Jessica Mezica all over myself. All over yourself. Oh my God.

You said to pour it on the floor so we could stand on her. Luckily, Jessica, as we've said, has the consistency of Gack. Oh, that's right. See, she hits you and for a second, like totally envelopes you. It's like being covered in a flesh blanket. It's like weirdly soothing. Like being covered in a person. Ah, the womb.

But then she flops down onto the ground and just begins to sort of slowly spread out. I stick my feet into the goop. Okay. Same. Good luck electrocuting this. I mean, I got, I got them rubber shoes on. Nice. I love my rubber shoes.

He guys all. Once you get started, it is all rubber. Come and Zelda. So you pour Jessica out of her bucket onto the ground, and with her Gack-like consistency, she sort of, I guess, spreads outward along the ground, and there is enough space for all of you to stand on her. Get on her.

I mean, don't, but in a way that's good. What? Whoa. Everybody jump on the Gack. We got to surf this lady. that's awful. Now that I'm thinking this through, maybe this was not the most

feminist puzzle. Were you trying to make a feminist puzzle? What's the feminist puzzle? Hold on, hold on, hold on. The answer to that is a puzzle that costs less than a real puzzle. Yeah, what's a feminist puzzle, Anthony? One that doesn't use a woman

as a literal object to save a bunch of men. Anyway, the fucking electricity goes through the floor and you're all safe because you are insulated by a woman. You're insulated. from the damage by a woman. And on the other end of the window, Mandar goes, God damn it.

Space electricity works differently on these people? This is bullshit. You see him leaving that room. And he goes, come on. We're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. Handor gets up and joins him. Get ready to throw Jessica to Mexico over these people. There's a doorway, right?

Yes, they move over to the door. You can do one thing before they open it. Is the door windowed? No. We got to hold up Jessica, like a big gag, like blanket. Yeah. Then when they open it, we'll wrap and run. do the magic trick.

That's kind of mean to the dogs. They hold a blanket up in the doorway and they drop it. And it's like, where'd they go? And the dog fucking flips out. You know, that will hold up the gack like that. It's the whole doorway. So it's open. I'm going to stand behind the door.

And then if they come through, I'm going to hit them with the door really hard. That's good. I'll hold one side of the gack blanket. Which way does the door swing open? Outward. Great. So towards them. Towards them.

Okay. All right. So, yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah. But we can make a little. We can hit them with it, though. Yeah.

With the door. Two of us on chairs on opposite sides of the door. We hold Jessica Messica over the door stretched out. When they come in, we drop her on them. So now they're tangled up in the gag. And then we can make a fucking escape. Yeah. Okay.

Yes. So the door opens and in steps one person. Are you going to drop it when there's one person through the door? Wait. Wait. Okay. Wait. So he's going to get a perception roll.

I perceive there's four less people. than there were one second ago. Okay, so he got a 15 on his perception. So he stops, obviously noticing that there's nobody in the room, but he also looks up because he's now, you know, suspicious of everything. And he sees you guys standing there holding the Jessica Messico. Drop! Drop it, go! We drop Jessica Mezgo. You don't have to roll for that. It drops on him. It happens pretty much like it happened

to you. He's got a flesh blanket on him for a second. And he starts, like, clawing at it. He's standing in front of the door's exit. And behind him, you can see, handor, but what would you like to do? We're going to go into initiative round now. 15. 6. 17.

5. You've effectively got a surprise round on them, or at least on Mandor, handor or less so. It is Ashley's turn. All right, so I'm going to just grab a chair, put my head down, run straight forward, and try and just impale and push. Give me an acrobatics roll.

12. I'll say with a 12, you managed to successfully run forward. The chair hits mandor and makes a pretty loud clonk against his armor. Damn, plastiel. Give me a strength check. 18 minus 1, 17. Wow. Okay. So you don't collapse from that impact even though you're an older, frailer guy. You're a young boomer. You're a young boomer. So yeah, I guess it's not that

surprising. He's like 55, right? Yeah, you're actually not that old. Please remember that when I'm 55. That's a note to me in the future, sorry. Do you think we're still going to be doing this when we're 55? I think I'll be dead by then, probably. You think you're going to be out of here before 55? I don't think I had that. Send a note. Send a note to you guys. Do you think when we graduate high school, school will still be fine. So we're going to say that you have basically dazed mandor. So he hasn't fallen backwards, but he basically will be spending another turn to try to get

this thing off of his fucking head because you've sort of pinned it to him with one of the chair legs. Dale, it is your turn. Oh, yeah. Also, I want to point out that his gun is in one of his hands as he's trying to pull this thing off of his face. And behind him, Handor has his gun in his hand. Handor's the one with the gag.

Mandor's the one with the guy. Yeah, I'm just going to ram him into the wall. with the purpose of getting the gun out of his hand. Fantastic. Give me the advantage, strength check. And do athletics? Yeah, for me too. Advantage, you said? Yeah. Oh, thank God. 18? That'll do it. Plus 5.23.

That'll very much do it. You body check him against the door. Did you play hockey when you were younger? I was a swimmer and a lifeguard. I was strong. Great. He was a dirty swimmer who was always body checking people in the water. They put you in the swimming penalty box. He was sending mad, turpour.

Beelan waves to the lanes next to him, dude. So you check him up against the wall, pretty goddamn hard. Hard enough for him to lose his grip on the gun, which falls to the ground. Get the gun! I think grabbing the gun would be a minor action, but then you would have to wait until you got to use for you to fire. I'm going to keep my hands on Mandor. That's great. And I will hope one of these men handles Handor.

Okay. It is now Handor's turn. Uh-oh. So Handor is going to rush in and point his gun at Dale. He's not going to rush in, actually. He doesn't want to get in there because that looks like a fucked up situation. So he's just going to point he's gun to Dale and he is going to make a ranged attack. Okay. Well, yeah. He literally. The natural one. Oh wow.

Literally natural one. I'm alive. His gun jams. And he goes, how do lasers jam? And he starts slamming on the gun. Anthony. Anthony. Anthony, here's how. You ever have to like light a lighter and then you just click it the first time it doesn't go. That's all. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. That's a really good point. You know what? In this world, he would know that. So he doesn't do. that. He says, this happens sometimes. And he jams on the gun and starts fucking with it and waste the rest of his turn trying to fix that. It is Herb's turn now.

Herb is going to look at their outfits, these like shiny black things and remind it reminds him of this time at a cosplay contest when these two cosplayers were bullying Oliver for not having

as nice of a costume and they look kind of like this. That rules. And he is going to activate rage. Oh. You get inspiration for that amazing justification for rage. Okay. Which means you can use advantage on any future. Oh, do we ever class stuff now?

I just thought. No, I love that. I mean, she's got sort of like diogenic. I see. You know. Yeah, I think it's okay to say. No, no, that's good. I'm just, I'm going to look at my shit.

Herb is going to try to lock both of these guys in his arms, like in a headlock. I don't know if it would be physically possible to do that because Dale is up against the wall pushing a mandor against the wall and handor is outside the room but you can do it to handor i'm going to do it to handor then and just make sure i have him like subdued and um that you can't get the gun and i got a 15 on my athletic check that works you managed to get him into a headlock if he were not wearing a helmet that covered some of his head uh he would be in a position to receive a nuggie from you see that gun on the floor it's about to be in your ass Whoa. Whoa. I mean, well, not like, I think somebody should grab the gun on the floor.

Ralph, it is your turn. Ralph is going to grab the gun on the floor. Okay. And stick it in a ass. Do you want with it, dude? Just grab the gun to me, Anthony. So it is a handheld laser pistol. It's black because it needs to match their fucking black armor, obviously. Aesthetics are so important. It's got red bits on it so you know that the lasers that shoots are going to be red. It's got a ridged barrel. It's got a vent on the back where the, uh, the excess heat from firing the laser. We'll blow it to the side. I'm not towards you. What's the proper noun of this gun? Yeah,

manufacturer. I can look it up in dark matter if you want. No, I want it from you. We wanted some home brew. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's like, I go proper noun in here.

I want one. If it has a apostrophe in it, I won't say no. So this is a Paladin, Dirk. Paladin, The company,

Dirk being the make of the weapon. All right. Nice. Ralph picks up the gun. He feels the weight of the fucking steel in his hands. And you add what? Like,

to the strength, two the three, the intelligence, five to charisma. That's an instant bonus, right? Just having a gun. Just having a gun.

Yes. Guns make small people feel big, so immediately he would level up. His stomach turns, uh, as he is not a violent man. And he just sort of like with a trembling hand raises it up. And it's like,

which one? What do I? What do I do? What do I do? I don't. There's only one. You just, there's two guys.

There's two guys. Oh, which one of the guys. I thought you meant, I thought you meant like which button to press or whatever. Oh, which what do I? What do I do? The red one.

Neither of them were red. One's blue, one's green. The color is weirded here. The closest one. To remind you the situation, the closest one is Mandor, the blue one, who currently is covered by a tarp of flesh and pinned up against the wall. With no gun. With no gun.

Yes. Andor has a malfunctioning gun, but is also in a headlock. outside the room. And he still has his arms free, so he's still fiddling with his gun. I think that one's blinking. Like, there's a video game, that one's like, that guy's blinking and there's some smoke coming out of it. You tell us not like venting air, it's like smoke. There's two concentric circles and it's turning from a blue circle to a red circle as these two arrows are getting closer to each other. You're going to need to let go of the pedal to dive out of the way.

He's being grappled by Herb, right? Yes. I'm just going to run up to him and stick the gun to his head and I close my eyes and pull the trigger. So in this moment, you become a man. Everything changes, kind of. All four of you did something physical, aggressive,

and most importantly, successful. Which means that you are leveling up right this second. Wow. And you're not leveling up once, you're leveling up twice. What?

You're going straight to level three. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Hello. Yeah, I'm thinking I'm going to manage character in levels. The laser bolt goes cleanly through the front of Pandor's head. It leaves a scorch mark that is immediately cauterized. You know, it's a big hole, but gets cauterized. So there's no blood.

It's actually very sanitary, I guess, is the word sanitized. It's a TEPG death, let's say. He falls to the ground, completely fucking dead. And in that moment, combat is going to end because nobody who actually poses a threat to you right now, not a reasonable threat, at least, can do anything. So we are out of combat. What do you want to do now? the laser blast was loud enough that somebody heard it,

but they also heard a laser blast before, so who knows if that matters. You all feel an insane amount of adrenaline course through you. Unfortunately, your heart is not made for that much adrenaline that quickly. The human body's not made to level up twice in one moment. So everybody, everybody roll a D20, please. A D20? Four.

Six. I got a three. Oh my God. I got a three, too. Nobody got a one. No one you got a one. All right, you're fine. Oh, my God.

Well, one's a heart attack, right? One is a heart attack. Okay. A hard attack. A hard attack sign is death. No. Okay, so yes. One is dead.

One is pinned against the wall and covered in flesh. Wait, Frey, what did you get? I got four. Four, three, three, six. We all like, we all go like. We all look into it. And we all look at each of knowing that we all felt a little kick fucking. We're on the other track of the trawl.

What would you like to do? I pull the flesh tarp down and stick the gun barrel at his head. Oh, my shit. Where are our grandkids, Handor? Roll intimidation with advantage because he knows you definitely just killed Handor. 24. Wow.

Mandor immediately starts slamming on the wall and pointing at the window and saying, the console, you could use the console to, if you could hack or whatever. You do it. You use the console. Okay, okay. No, no. Just wait.

You promise not to kill me? No, no. No. If you, if you do good, maybe you'll be okay. I promise, we will. Well, then I have no reason to help you. No, we promise we will kill you if you don't help us. But if you do, there's a chance. And if you could do anything funny, and I know my way around computers, guys.

I have a couple of computers at home. Then we're 100 a lot. You do anything silly. I might need your help with something when we get back. Oh, no problem. Anyway, that's, that's. If you do, sorry, what? Is it pictures?

What? Herf. What was that? If the pictures on my phone, how can you? It's the pictures on my phone. How can I get them on my computer? Well, are you, do you have any... I think there's a time and a place for this boy.

Are you connected to any cloud services? A cloud like a sky. Can you let me go and just let me walk to the... Hey, shut up. We hit up. I'm going to walk him over. We walk him over with the... I have the gun pressed to his back.

And I'm the one holding him. So me and me and Ralph walk him over while these dudes talking about cloud computers. Anthony, Anthony, I'm holding my fingers to it back. I'm like, careful, buddy. Second gun. there is an actual second gun on the floor and I put my fingers I go careful buddy

third guy you got one of you rolled deception with disadvantage you got three not me I think came up with this and I give him like a little massage and I'm like careful buddy massage gun I got I got a 17 on deception with disadvantage oh disadvantage oh 15

okay at least being able to tell that Ashley was lying as he sits down and starts typing into this terminal, which is all, you know, hollow windows. But we do have the other gun, right? Yeah, you do. Yeah, so I show him that one, I go, four guns. So he knows there's two. He knows there's two.

He knows there's two. He doesn't believe, he believes that Freddie has the second one. He doesn't have the second one. There's such a fucked up word logic problem. You know what I mean? But he says, of course. And I go to the, and I go, and I go into his ear and I go, and he is the kicker. I always lie.

And my compatriot here always tells the truth. Andor shakes his head and bites his tongue. And then he says, everything about the dark forest planets is right. They were right. Hey, this sounds racist. You were literally, wait, what about us? Because you were about, also, if you were about to lecture. No, no, no, no.

He's trying to get us to talk. He's trying to stall. Find our grandkids. No, he's still typing as he does. He's still typing. You're pretty good on computers there. Hey, I want to. But can you do it when this is happening?

It's like, it's like, it. Oh, he's quite good. He's quite good. Okay, quick question. I want to, because of my time spent wrestling with OBS on my Twitch channel, I've established that I have computers proficiency and shit. Technology could proficiency. So I'd like to look at him and make sure the technology is going good. I want to suss out if he's like, you know.

It's not an alarming. Well, everything that's coming up on the screens is in English, at least, so you can tell them that. Oh, yeah. To you, because you know, you're, you're 14 on technology. You can tell. Technology. You can tell that he is indeed doing what he said he would do. It doesn't look like he's trying to call for, for help on the, on the terminal.

He's not, I mean, you can see some incognito folders and shit, but like he's not. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that window? That's just porn. Oh. Okay. Kind, though, right? Yeah, yes.

Okay. Okay. I'm just making sure he's not. That's something only Dark Force planets. do. Oh. That's also, that's my point. If you didn't like what we were about to do,

and he hits the air where the enter button is and it doesn't say enter, it says, yeah. He hits the yakki. It's the yakki. And you see that there is a cluster of planets and you see even from this telescopic distance, you can see explosions of energy around all the planets. It looks like it's in a lot of fucking violence right now. There's space battles and cool epic shit going.

on. And next to that, you see the word no zone, NO-Zone, and beneath that, General Lila. What? Whoa. Okay. What about the other ones? You see another planet. This one seems to be more blue oceanic. Doesn't look as warlike. And it says, Oliver.

And the planet is called avia. Avia. Over there. What's that? You see a planet that... Another one. My God. They're all planets? There's four planets. We've instead, yeah, He's showing us the planets where the kids are. Like real ones.

They're not like Pluto, right? What do you mean? The dog. So the third one is a black planet. But where the black of the plastial of the soldier that you killed was smooth and reflective and hard, the black of this planet is pocked with crater marks and burns across it. It looks like somebody took a tennis ball and put it on a barbecue and left it there for a week. It's just so fucked up and burnt.

That's not going to taste good either. That planet is called death. And that is where aha is. Death? Oz on death? It's spelled D-E-F-F. Sure. It means death. But it does mean.

Yeah, it says D-E-F-F-P parentheses, D-E-A-T-H. And the final one you see looks very, it's lights on the planet pretty much everywhere. It looks like Karelia. It's a city planet. There's no land or ocean to be seen anywhere. It looks like a city that never stops. Burbank. Burbank.

And next to it, you see IBS Homeworld. formerly known as Lesbonica Planet of the Sex Goddesses Cool Timothy Lucky Timmy huh If you didn't like what I was about to do

You can blame Lila Okay we will She's the one who taught us how to kill Okay It's your granddaughter dude Oh wait what My Lila End of episode

End of episode Mandor says Yeah Lila has been training people and how to do like Earth stuff and you guys are pretty awful. Wait, wait. How long has she been there? A couple months. Oh, I see.

Oh, dear. Explains. Oh, Rob's the smart one. All right, Ralph, what's going on? Well, let's see. Now, Ralph is a little smarter than Will when it comes to the theory of relativity. Who's Will, Ralph? And you see there's an object.

And you see there's an object is moving at the speed of light. Time works differently because space and time or not, or a continuum. So when you're moving at the speed of light, you're moving at a different rate. age wise time wise time is different for you so basically it's only been you know less than a day for us out here in space but it could have been well months for the kids and the kids have been out there for months so when they say like how time moves in like a P class versus how it exactly yes it's not exactly that's not really at at all but there's just these are relatives

Ralph, so how does, how does, um, is light young? How does light? How young is light? Light moves fast. So it's like light, how does light experience time? Oh my God. Is that why it makes you look younger? Because they're doing those red light masks and stuff like that.

Oh, well, that's because it's different frequencies of light. What you're getting, light makes you old, like UV light. You got to wear the skin care. No, no, I'm not lost the point. And the red light therapy is something else entirely. How's that working to this? Just it's time magic. Okay.

While you're doing this, Mandor's hand creeps towards a button at the bottom of the desk. What are you doing there? No, what are you doing? You guys were talking, so you got a role perception with disadvantage. If any of you succeeds, you will see it happen. You will see this thing that will happen. No, you'll see it happen and have time to stop. You'll see it early.

It's like, it's like you pre-order the thing happening and you get to see it a little early. And when you see it, you'll shit breaks. I got a seven perception. I got a 15. With disadvantage, is that what we were saying? Oh, disadvantage. It took a herb. already saw it happen.

It's herb, right? It's not herb. So herb, you see his finger creeping towards a red button. So sorry. It's the h sound. Yeah. It's a hard age. Hard age.

Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. Ben got mad at me because I mispronounced it. Yeah, she can get mad. You remember I still say milk. So like I'm doing my bet. So her.

Wait, no, Matt. You said it right that time. I did? You said milk. Milk. No. No. No.

You didn't say it right the first time. He's my question. No, he did. He said milk. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn't. All right, what is Betsy? So you see his, as you guys are talking about whether light is young or not,

you see his hand creep under the desk. The other one's still typing, and it's moving towards what you see looks like a bright button. Did you say a bread butt? A red butt. Sorry. A bread butt. He pressed his button in a little red butt. I don't know.

Hit the vacancy button. Hi. Oh, do you hit the vacancy button. Let's get the hot the percussion out here for the sandwiches. Just put that bread where I can see it, buddy. Uh, no. And he presses it. You just said, you said don't do that.

He pressed it. Well, hold on. She rolls persuasion there, does she not? Oh, yeah. You know what that? No, you roll intimidation. That is a good point, he knows that we're humans and humans go fucking crazy sometimes.

That is a very good point. You were right. I'm wrong. Oh, man, I got an 18. Oh, so his hand darts away from a bread button. He goes, I was just hungry. It's fine. Beat him up.

Beat him on. And he starts typing again with both hands. Okay, wait. Sorry. How this is average WPM change with both hands. Is it not double? He already brought up the like stuff you were looking for, so he's just doing that just to look like he's busy.

I can tell you just doing that to look like he's busy. Hands up. Okay, my hands up. Sorry, I got distracted because it's all so smart, and I'm not smart guy. Ralph, you're a smart guy. He's all smart things. But Lila.

Dale, Dale, what? Dale, don't be talking about my friend like that, man. Who's your friend? Dale. Oh, that's very nice. Oh, that's nice. You're up like you ain't. We're in space right now.

You're right. It's a lot. We're up in the stars right now. You're up in the stars. I want to sidebar, Will, your character. Yeah, well, what do you want? Hey, where do you think AI's going? Oh, that's a complicated question.

I mean, if you're talking about... You think I'll be able to talk to my computer finally? I mean, you can talk to your computer now if you want to. Polymarket.com. How long until Freddie realizes this bit's not funny? Oh my God. Three minutes, bet.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Pretty. Brathe. I just want you to know it's okay to cry. That's what I would do. I'm no longer the worst person on this podcast. Oh, my God.

Wow. Wow. So I get influenced that bet. I know. There's a bet. There's a bet going here for 10 minutes. What's happening? Why is 10 minutes?

We're leading. Okay. Just so I know. If anything ever shows up where Will Freddie Walser. do but X, Y, or Z, and it shows up on a betting market. You bet your ass that I'm figuring out a way to get some money in on that one. Are you crazy? Okay.

This is what you wanted. You can leave now, please. Thank you, Herbert. That's nice of you to say. That's still just. How long? Lila. Where she's a general, oh, man, they do.

When they say they grow up fast, I didn't think they literally grow up faster. But she's, she's a general. That's cool. But it sounds like she's doing stuff. I guess all generals. You know, big guy. It's a lot. She's helping us.

the war. Yeah, okay. I guess that's good. Is my grandson Oliver okay? Oh, talk to him. Pull him up and talk to him. Yeah, can you talk to Lila? She's general, right? Yeah, actually, I can pull them up right now. Oh, good. Um, okay. So, okay, might talk to Lila first? Yeah, of course, go ahead.

Yeah, yeah, please do, please. Sorry, we're just do, do, do, do a jaunty little tune. What's happening? The sound of the face. Oh, just Skype. No, okay. Uh, yeah, so he, he brings up space Skype, Skype, and he, uh, what's the tone? What's the tone?

It's exactly what you were doing. Oh, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boop, boom, boom. Boop. You got Risa over here. A little high hat. A modern high hat. Modern times as you would say.

So now you can track exactly what day we recorded this episode on. He starts typing and you can see the screen to zoom in on what is called no zone where Lila is. No zone. Sounds like the place between your eyes. Am I right, buddy? Sorry. Sorry. That's good.

You give inspiration. So I think you have two inspiration now, if I remember correctly. Nice. And it zooms into what looks to be a capital ship of the IBS. And he goes, all right, hailing General Lila, it starts ringing with the doop do, do. And it picks up and he goes, yeah, who is communications officer. I'm Dale. I'm Lila's grandfather.

I would love to, can I talk to Lila, please? What is your rank and serial number? Oh, serial number. Is that like social security serial number? How many bowls did you have this morning? I look at the Great nuts. One's never quite enough because I always start with the serving size.

I say what I do the serving size. Oh, I hear you. And I feel like the serving size is never enough for one man. That's true, man. How long do you think it's going to take Matt to realize that he's been hoisted by his own pettard? Dale, Dale. Dale. Dale.

Oh, there's my boy. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out what a good voice is to not. Now, though? I don't know. Give me a, I'm just trying things. I'm trying things. This is an improv podcast. I'm going to throw things.

I'm going to throw things against the wall. We're going to see what's there. I just say this is an improm podcast? I mean, he can. That's awesome. My rank is I'm grandfather. I'm grandfather. I'm her grandfather.

I'm her grandfather. And my, my, I don't have a serial number, but I do have a, Social Security number. Don't give them back. Wait, Dale. Dale. Oh, yeah. Try you.

No, what do you mean? Give them the social security number. They can steal your whole identity with that. But they need it. You want to talk to Lila, sir. We're here with and I grab Mandor and I should, this is like a screen. Yeah. I shove him up to the screen.

I'm like, this man is, you tell them who you are and then get us in there. I work at a recruitment office. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Fellas, fellas. This is a classic cold call scenario. You just need to get past the people between you and your target, the person you're trying to talk to last. Here we go.

Can we let them respond before we decide if we need a new approach to the situation? Let me just see what he says to me. You're right. I'm Liza's grandfather. Roll persuasion. Okay. Just tell her I'm here. Or not here.

I'm on the phone or whatever you call it. Nate. You're not going to get in touch with the general. All right. Let me try. Tell Lila, her grandfather is very sick. he's coughing and tell her that she's going to want to talk to her. A recruitment officer, uh, blink.

And, uh, you don't hear anything, but he goes, okay, cool. I will, uh, I will, uh, I will box them right now. And the feed goes dead. Uh, uh, oh, oh. And I didn't get to try my technique. I didn't get to talk of them. Well, what just, what did you just do? Well, what happened?

Hit him. He basically pressed the bread button from a long distance. So you guys have, I'd say about 20. What the fuck are you talking about? Wait, what you? How? 20 seconds until his alarm transfer hits this station. I crack him over the head with the butt of the pistol tonight.

Okay, make a melee attack. Wait, just so I understand. So the, because that ship was nowhere near us, right? No, nowhere near us. Okay, but who pressed the bread button? The guy on the other side, he blinked, so he signaled something was wrong with his blinking. And the guy on the other side was like, okay, I'll make sure to set off an alarm where you are. And I just got to send a message.

Oh, okay. On arm strike, here we go. I got a four. It like, and kind of bounces off his helmet. But he knows you mean business, I guess. I wrench off the helmet. Go again.

I'll do whatever you want. What do you want me to do? Look, is there a stunt on this? Is there a stunt selling on this gun? No. Then I guess you're going to hell. Wait, you don't have to kill me. I just work at the fucking mall.

How do we talk to the general? If she knew if my grandma... I work at the goddamn mall. Why do you think they're going to make... Like, listen, just because I live here. They have a god. You live here, man? Yeah, I live on the station.

It's quicker to, like, go to work when I live here rather than, like, commuting for you. Oh, no, no. You got to have some work like that. Are we getting bread or what? What's happened? Dude, look, something very bad is going to happen. The capital ship tripped to some kind of silent alarm. Okay.

At that moment, as you say so, you hear it, alert, alert, red lights fucking coming out from the ceilings. I grabbed Mandor. I jammed the gun in the back of his, uh, did you guys? like a 1940s, nah, you're coming with us, see, kind of move. I jam that gun into his back, and you're coming with us, see? Nah. Um, okay, but everybody's going to be coming here.

Yeah, well, and if they try to try anything, then so long to your alien spleen, mister. Roll intimidation with advantage. Uh, I got 14. So 14, he goes, no, I think I'll stay here. I shoot him in the leg. Ow! Well, now I can't even follow you easily. Fuck! Ow! I can't walk on this!

I'll give him a piggyback. Oh, no. Oh, dear, it seems like our friend is sprained his left. I guess we'll have to carry him with us to our ship. And I carry. Ralph, can you just get, yeah, if we get in the ship,

do you think you can just fly us to Lila? We'll figure it out. We got to go. We got to get out of here. We're going to be a lot of trouble, boys. You hit him for three damage when you shot him in the life. How's he look?

I mean, not Sykes. It's definitely like around half of his health, if that's what you want to know. Okay. Well, Dale has some experience. Yeah.

I'm pretty good at caring people. I'm strong. All right. Just need a strength check, an athletic check from anybody who wants to pick a lot. I want to help. This helmet, is this a stormtrooper style full face helmet? No, okay.

I got natural 20 plus five. I got 25. I got 22. Jesus Christ. So he like gets launched onto your back. Like I can not helping at all. He's now on your back. I guess he was.

Herb also herb. Herb. Herb. Herb. Yeah. Okay. I feel scared every time I say the name now. That's glare.

Herb. Also, we're all the 22. So I think it's like between us and we're just running. No effect. on us. Okay. So, so good.

Carrying him as if he was on a stretcher, but you're holding his arms. Is he, is he resisting us? He tries to, but I think the fact

you got 20s means that it does basically nothing. If we got 20s, could we also were holding him, but then Ralph and and Hurt.

Can they sit on him? So it's like, he's the stretcher. So we get run really fast. That's how strong. Wait, wait. Wait, wait. The number of times

you've proposed carrying everybody on the show. But two people got 20s. They're like a fetish with you. Two people got 20s. I just want a prize. I want a prize for two. Two big boys carry the rest of the team.

Hey Anthony. Private DM message. You and me. I'll be Anthony. You'd be Matt. Hey, can I talk to you for like, part? What?

I'm busy. I just, what if like this time? What if like, what if the whole team got carried by, like a real big strong guy? How long do you think it's going to take Will to realize this bit? Hey,

I got Marchina. I'm a fucking scene partner. Okay, I'm care of stupid the rip is I'm fucking there I was gonna do the AI bit I was gonna do it all And you guys are over here You guys are over here

You're gonna throw each other Before I can even fucking get it In the first gear As the two of them are yelling at each other Me and Herb are caring On top of Yeah so you are running through the promenade Of the space station

Holding a guy with two guys On top of him Sitting like a their own bench How are people reacting to all of this stuff Are people scattering Are people frozen in place What's the vibe? You know how we act

When there's a fire alarm? where they're kind of like and looking around yeah the confused looking around seeing like is this a drill is this some bullshit

is this what is this I really have to stop playing my steam deck like could I just stay here yeah exactly you guys walk out holding a troop

that has been shot in the leg with two guys on him for some reason and they've never and you're dressed like they've never seen before

so okay in that case in that case I want to be like what is this a drill I got in that case I want to be shouting make way

make way you know injured person make way wherever you go people are giving you a wide burden because you look odd and you're holding a wounded Do you still have guns? I've got the Jessica Mesaica bucket. Yes, you do.

And I'm, I have a pistol. One hand bucket in the other hand. So you have a bucket in one hand with Jessica Mesa got it. Pistol that were right through a space station. Doctor who could never. He doesn't use guns. Yeah, exactly.

That's why Dr. Who could never. He doesn't use guns. He might hang out with a guy who did it. He might hang out of a guy. He might use that sonic screwdriver to actuate the. trigger every so on it. Technically,

why he's not in a gun? He's like that. It's like Batman, right? He's like, I don't kill anyone. Yeah, okay, whatever. That's so hard. Like a hostage situation. And the doctor, fucking doctor who pulls out socks

your arm is like a little and like the fucking trigger goes up. That's fucking hard, dude. The doctor doesn't kill people. The trigger kills people. Bullets in the fall killed him. So you guys are presumably running back towards the hangar.

I can't pull the trigger. You don't have. to. This time everyone dies. Sorry, sorry. I think we're making a hasty retreat back to our ship. We know where the grandkids are, right? I'm presuming you either remembered or took a picture of the planets where they are.

In the moment that we're running and people are giving us a wide berth. Yes. And generally staying out of our way, are there any cool stores in the mall that might have cool things that might be beneficial to us? A role investigation. I want to look for like a bro. Brookstone-style massage chair-ass-looking spot. Do you know what I mean?

Okay. Roll investigation representation. Investigation two plus one. No, it's all stuff for like young kids and aliens. Oh, I would like to do young human children and aliens. Yeah. Oh, also alien kids. It's like stylish stuff that looks ridiculous to you.

And it's little doodads that you could not even begin to divine their purpose. I got one. I got one. Bot topic. It's just a bunch of transistors and shit. That's good. It's pretty good. And they have like...

Still mostly night... Rican Morty. Like, I see... Yeah, yeah. There's a Star Coast that's got a bunch of like 3D films on a distance and shit. It's good. Okay. All right.

All right. We're running through the mall. And the hot dog on a stick. So we're running through the mall. But the real dogs. Oh my God. It doesn't matter if you're not DM. I can still interrupt you.

Oh, Will, come back, Will. Fucking shit. I'm fucking, I'm running. Fucking dragged into people's shitty bits. Fucking, Anthony's so dunking on me. This is supposed to be my season. So. Look, all right.

No, no. No. Okay. Good. So we're running. We found bot topic. Yeah, we found nothing useful. But we got guns in a bucket with a person in it.

we're on our way back to the ship. Do we see bad guys coming from anywhere? Do we need to try to lose people? Like, what's going on. So right now on the way back from the ship, I'm going to roll a luck roll for you to see what direction they are coming from. Because as I mentioned before,

it is a circular space station. So there's a silent alarm. So clearly they notified other people. That was not silent, but yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. So I'm going to roll.

Sort of a silent alarm to trip to normal alarm. I didn't hit the alarm. The silent alarm hit the, brioche. Okay. So, you guys are rolled lucky so they're

Matt are you just sitting there saying Grioche in a funny voice man he's doing the other words Priosh Priosh So they're coming from presumably you don't

You get a Brioch level alert Baguette and tag it boys Uh Ryle'll be seeing you Get to the hangar bay The doors are shut To the hangar bay where you came in And when you try to open them

You see a screen come up that says Alarm in effect, lockdown in effect. Unlock down it. Get our guy to unlock down it. Yeah. For me. For emergencies, go to control booth. Traffic control booth.

Traffic control booth. Where is that? Mandoor, where is that way? And he points the other direction where you came from. Okay. All right. Can you call? Hello?

Like, you know, when you, you, with your parking ticket? Parking ticket. Is there like a little speaker button? Oh, yeah. Let's say either perception, investigation, or arcana to see if you, because a lot of A lot of this is in languages you haven't quite seen yet. And even if you can hear stuff, this is confusing as those. Was this investigation, is that we're wrong?

Yeah. See if there's something that you can look at and realize a divine that it is. I do have, as a gadgeteer, I do have machine code language and interface affinity. Okay. So I feel like I get UIs. Okay. So go ahead and roll with advantage that I would say. I roll 17.

Okay, great. So you see a speaker box with a little blue button underneath it. some runes that you kind of don't quite understand, but you can tell their machine code of some sort. Press it. Press the button. I press the button. In the right way.

Yeah. What's up? This is Mandor. I try to do my best Mandor impression. This is Mandor from the IBS recruitment station. I'm in pursuit of the guys who tripped the alarm on. They just went into that hangar. But I need it open.

Roll either performance or deception. Actually, roll both. What do you mean roll both? Ralph, you know, if the writer thing doesn't, you know, happen for it, you could be an actor. That was good. All right, I got a 12 on my deception. And a 10 on my performance.

So you guys, you're not allowed to use this channel for pranks. Sorry. But yeah. Is this a prank? Can I hold up Mandor's shot leg? Well, it's only audio, so I don't know what you're talking about. It's a shot leg. It's a shot leg.

It's blood everywhere. It's real. Oh, you guys are the, that's why the alarm's going. No. Open the door. Mandor gets it. Tell him you're going to get it, Mandor. Roll intimidation again.

Man, I got a one. Can I give Will my advantage? No. Fuck. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you go for it. Take an advantage, Will. Oh.

Two? Oh, I got a 20 this time. Oh, nice. 15 plus 20. Oh, wow. Okay. So. Who's that word, Ralph?

What's wrong with that? I don't know, man. But like, let's just say, we're going to do some wild shit. The door opens in front of you as the person on the other end seemingly opens the door. And in that exact moment, four other troops that are in this clad in the same armor as Mandor and Door Handor and Handor coming around. And they say, walls. And everybody who's still in the thoroughfare moves up to the walls. And they point their guns at you.

Dude, everyone in this society just knows to do that when you say walls. Like Germany with the ambulances on the automobile. Yeah. It's exactly like that. They point their laser pistols, which are identical to yours, at you. And they say drop mandor. Is there like a, yeah, I will. Are we on like the third floor of the mall? Wrong choice of words.

Yeah, okay, sure. Yeah, you can be on the, we could say this is the third floor if you want. Well. Let's drop them off the balcony, man. Why? Well, okay. We're on the other side of the door, though, right? I mean, the door just opened in these.

guys came over and said freeze and drop mandor. Are they between us and the ship? No. I want to line up. I want to line up so that man. Okay. So I'm going to illustrate this and you play along at home can follow along with what I'm about to describe. Hold your thumb up, like a thumbs up gesture. Hold it close to your eye.

You see how it can cover a lot of big things in the distance? I want Mandor to be like the thumb. And we stack up behind Mandor as we, you know what I mean? You were all using Mandor as the human shield. Yeah, exactly. He can't really, he's not really mobile. We're going to put him down in front of the door, and then we're going to line up behind him single file,

and so that if they shoot, they got shoot through Mandor first. Okay. So you guys are slowly moving backwards with Mandor pointed towards the truth. Yeah, we got transfer Mandor from me and Herb. And, I mean, is that right, Herb? We get all. We get all.

It's short for Herbal, man. Herbal. Herbal. I'll say that. I'll say that. You have to understand her herbal essence. You're a good guy, your new friend. I just want to make sure I say your name right.

I'm sorry. So I'm going to put Mandor like over my back. So I'm holding him by his legs. Like a back shield? Yeah, yeah. And then you guys go in front. He's like, I'm nauseous now.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, that's better than dead, right? Jesus Christ. We're trying not to. This is great. So yeah, so Dale's got Mandor draped over him from behind.

And then I'm like behind Dale. Yeah. Like with my gun just peeking out, stacked up. Okay. And then I whispered Amanda. It's like, How many guns are pointed at you? A lot?

Is that the most you've ever had? Yeah? Wow. Wow. Wow. If there's one more gun, Mr. Frodo. So be the most amount of guns I've pointed at me. So you guys move into the hangar.

Over the threshold moving backwards towards your ship. Oh, I can you, you're the smart? Can you go press the button? Roll out and press the button. Okay. I want to execute a forward roll into towards the button. And I press the button. Okay, so you're 55, so a forward role will be in acrobatics with disadvantage.

But hey, how old is Tom Cruise? Yeah, Tom Cruise is different. Yeah, Tom Cruise isn't fucking playing arcade games every day. Actors who are 55. Actors are different from professional gamers. Yeah, well, find me professional gamers. Google anybody from Twin Galaxies and tell me what they would do with a forward role. A professional 55-year-old gamer.

Fucking Matt, Jason Bourne is 55. Yeah. Yeah, he's an actor. The Jesus, boy, sorry. He's a spy against his way. is a non-consensual spy. So give me your roll. By roll.

Natural 20, but then I also rolled a three. Okay, so the beginning of that roll looks amazing. You like dive forward perfectly. Perfect swan dive forward, but you forget the part where you roll. So you just like, you don't really touch. You just snap your neck. Body slam against the ground. It's like when you, what's that when you hit it in the water where you like,

belly flop. You belly flop onto the ground. So you guys are moving. backwards, you dive towards the door at each shit. The four troops, use that moment to enter the hangar and two of them stacked up on the left side of the doorway. Can't Ralph

like take a warning shot? Take some shots. Yeah, take some shots. If you want it to be a warning shot, yes, you can try. You can shoot at them, whether they take that as a warning shot or not. Here's what Ralph is going to do. I'm going to take a shot at the door controls. Yes. Like Luke Skywalker. Give me a

ranged attack roll. It's got to be luck if it just like keeps it open. It's more open than ever. I'm gonna roll and see what happens based on if you hit it or not. Okay, I got 12. Okay, so with a 12, you shoot right next to the panel.

It was very close. But the panel, thankfully, is also sentient. So it goes, woo! Talk to the panel. And put an AI and everything. Panel, shut down, or I'll shoot you in the head. That was a warning shot. That was a warning shot for the panel.

Fuck yeah. Roll intimidation with advantage. Fuck yeah. This is such a dream for boomers to be able to yell at technology and have this video. advantage. Oh, 22. Wow. It goes, okay. And it slams

the door shut. Are we saying this happened after the guys walked in, though? No, we were saying, I was saying before they would walk in, it felt like if we had a gun trained on them, like, as they got to the threshold, we would do, like, well, would, should have a chance to try to. Sure. But I do feel like maybe not. They're going to get a moment to react and see if they can save and dive inside.

Yes. So I'm going to give them some rolls. If it's only one guy, some rolls, some bread rolls. If it's only one guy, you're lighting. It feels like a bad security. security system to have the doors be sentient like pretty easy to like talk your way through things nine plus they're going to unionize

I have bad news the one in the back kind of stutter steps and like what are we there was a shot should I move should and he stays put the off of three dexterously leap into the hangar they got a 20 of 16 and a 16 the three leaping bros with three league brothers leap in

one stands are like frog dudes one stands in front of you gun pointed at you as best as he can Dale and the other two immediately go to the flanks one of them is now pointing he's gunned at a prone Ashley Birch and the other one is pointing at sort of the side of let's say Ralph. So now I think

unfortunately it is time for initiative. We're going to have to fight. I got to see my granddaughter. It's been a while since Dale's been 11 plus 2.13. Dale's going to use some of that. He spends a lot of time on cruise ships. You got to tell me your initiative. I got a 16. Oh, 8. 8? Okay.

A 11. Oh, they got a net. one on their initiative. I think that means they die. So you guys are facing away from your ship right now. Your ship is basically two dashes away from you if you were dashing towards it. That means it's four walk actions to reach it. But in order to dash, you would have to turn away from the guys with the guns and start sprinting towards the ship.

You are also flanked on either side by a guy with a gun and there's a guy in the front holding a gun at Dale. Okay. That sounds good. Herb's turn. Go ahead, Herb. Here's what Herb's going to do. Herb's going to be like, oh, guys, before we do any shooting or fighting, I've got a shoe lace undone. So it's going to take me a minute.

I got to tie my shoe lace real quick. And he leans over and enters rage, pulls the shoe off, and is going to attack the nearest guy with a shoe. You're going to throw it or you're going to, like, wield it like a chancel in trying to get. I think I'm going to wield it. Okay. So you're making a move action towards the guy on the left or the right. The guy on the left has a gun pointed at Ashley, the guy on the right. has the gun pointed at your right flank.

Let's do the guy pointing the gun at Ashley. Okay, so you move to the left. You spend your move action doing that, and then you're going to do a melee attack. Yes. 16 plus 4, 20. Okay, you successfully hit him with your shoe. He does have a helmet.

He is armored, but I guess you hit him square in the face where his face is showing. Go ahead and-weakness. Roll whatever your unhonored damage is, but you'll get advantage for the damage. Five. You do five damage. And then as a bonus action,

I'm going to extend my rage. Whoa. You can do that? Yeah. No. I said I got two actions. You know, I think, I think Anthony just let me have rage forever is what happened. Now the turn is Ashley Virch's.

You are prone on the ground. You have to use a move action to stand up if you want to stand up. I feel like I should, because this is now another face plant. And I've had a history of bad face plants in public. And so I think I'm going to try and play that off as like, oh, okay. So the guy's playing a gun at me. Yeah.

What are you doing? What are you doing? Help me. So you were attempting to persuade him. To like let his guard down a little bit. Okay. Roll persuasion. Just give me a straight persuasion.

And I'm pathetic and on the ground. You were pathetic. You are old. You look weird. And yeah, go ahead. Is a 15? 15.

He goes, okay. Jesus. And he doesn't say Jesus. Here's like, I do that thing, that sound that someone makes when they like really hurt themselves and they fall.

So what he does is that skier? who hit his nuts on the fucking... Oh, yeah. So you grabs the neck of your shirt and then just sort of slides you along in the ground back towards the back wall towards the door to get you out of the way. He slides you towards the wall,

so now you are basically closest to the guy who's at the front pointing the gun at Dale. Your first mistake. Okay? He's touching me, huh? So I'll say that was your action, trying to convince him to get you out of the way,

and now you have a move. I want to like lean on him to help me up. Ah, help me up. You know? Because he grabbed you and he like slid you and then let go of you. Oh, I see, I see. He yanked to me. He's that strong.

Yeah, you're frail. Yeah, but. Well, you're 55. But yeah, he's strong. A, he's an alien. So, you know. What kind of alien is he? Pay me the picture.

Sure. In dark matter, there are orcs. There are space orcs. That's crazy. Not, not mean stupid ones like in, in Moorhammer 40K, but just like cool dudes that, you know, work on machines and stuff. Freddie, the problem now is that it's like we've established such a hospital. stole energy in the room.

Any joke, I'm like, I can't laugh at that. Or people are going to be like, Will, you're stupid. Okay, so he's an ork. As I as well, I know it's a safe space. You can laugh at any joke you think is funny. Big old arms. Seems like a trap. Big old arms.

Are they all orcs? No. What are the other ones? One is an avia and the other is a bird person. Like the bounty hunter. Wait, isn't avia the name of the planet that Oliver's on? Yeah, I got that name wrong. Actually, it should be aviara, but that's their home planet.

Okay. Aviara. Ask your doctor if aviara is right for you. The third one looks to be a, how would I describe this? Third one's human. What? Human? I looked at it and I started reading the lore and I was like, that's not this guy.

So it is even. But they're humanoid. Humanoid. Well, yeah, but they're all humanoid. Orcs are humanoid. What is it? The doctor's a time lord, but the time lords are technically aliens like humans.

They look human? Yes, they look humans. Sounds like Anthony's a humanoid who's an annoyed human right now. Oh. Okay, great. So a guy. A guy. A guy.

A guy. But not human because we know we're the only humans. As far as you know, yeah. A guy looks like us. He's not an earth thing. I'll put it that way. Oh. We did spread.

So what are you doing on your turn? We spread. Movement-wise. What are you going to do? I'm a clamber up. Okay. Do you get to your feet? Great.

And then I'm right by the door, right? I'm right by the door. I know I can't do anything, but I'll, like to get into a smooth conversation with our door. We met on Hinge. If that wasn't such a like a modern tech thing, I would give you inspiration for that,

but that is really good. Oh, come on, give them inspiration. It's got to be something grandpaw-y. So now it is Ralph's turn. Is there like a, I feel like sci-fi environments,

there's always like tubes full of, like, pumping gases and, you know, I'm just like, is there something like a blast that would like fog up the area and maybe cover our escape? Something red. Something. You need to like pass gas or something like just. Something like I want to violently. Fill the room with like a sort of misty.

I don't know. Do I see anything that looks tuby and full of fumes or anything like that? I got a five. You see like barrels of stuff. You see plenty of tubes going into ships. But there's nothing that you can immediately identify as if I shoot this, something good will happen. It'll be pretty much up to chance what happens when you shoot something. Are there any barrels near the guys? Yeah, there's one near the door. Uh, so it is sort of behind and to the left of the guy who's

pointing a gun at Dale. Okay. So we hypothetically, if it was going to explode, it would hit him. Dale would take a little bit of damage and, uh, the guy to your right who's flanking you would probably get blown back a little bit. I'm going to shoot it. Okay. Give me a range attack roll to see if you hit it. 10. That will do. It's not moving. Okay. So I'm going to roll a D20. Uh, wait. And I also, I want to specify that I do it in that stupid way that Hans Solo does where it's like, you put your other arm. And your wrist goes weirdly limp with every shot. He's like a fencer.

He is. It's counterbalancing a heavy gun. So it is, I'm going to roll a D20 and the higher it is, the more likely it is it's going to be explosive and helpful to you. Okay. Five. Oil comes out.

Just a little, just a little, but it looks like cooking oil. It moves like oil. It coagulates like oil. But as far as it looks, the only thing it reminds you of that is cooking oil. I thought you were going to get some gas, but a little liquid came out.

It's like, I feel you buddy. It happened. I feel you buddy. Okay, so you still have a movement. What are you doing? Can you indulge me for one more sci-fi thing? If you give up your movement to do it, yes. Yeah, okay, I will.

I want to see if I can like turn this blaster into a grenade. Okay. Like, can I, is there like any way to turbo, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I got an energy pack in there or something like that. Roll technology with disadvantage. Well, I got a five. Okay.

Worth a shot. Yeah, worth a shot. But as far as you can tell, It's a thing that makes lasers come out, but anything beyond that is beyond your engineering understanding. Okay. Dale, it is your turn. Okay, Anthony, you said two dashes.

How far is the ship? Dash is double movement, so that's 60 for the normal person? So it's 120 feet. 120 feet. Good. Fucking idiot. Here's what I'm going to do with my monk moves. Here we go.

Level three monk right here. First, I'm going to take my move action. 40 feet is my move action. That's right. Fucking 40 feet. So you have 80 feet remaining. Then I'm going to do an attack. I will do an unarmed attack as a monk.

I shall throw. Mr. Mandor at the man in front of me. So you moved 40 feet. In what direction did you move for? Are you doing the opposite of order? And then I shall move. Okay, great. So you're first, you're going to throw Mandor at the guy in front of you.

Go ahead and give me an athletics roll. It's a 17. So you successfully throw the guy at the dude. You throw him hard enough that he does like at least block sight of you for a second. He doesn't like go like care. He's still a heavy enough guy in armor so he doesn't go like flying into the dude. But he does block side of you for a second before he crumbles to the ground. And in that second, in that second, this is what he does not see, which is I go 40 feet for my normal move.

Then I take a bonus action and I do step of the wind. Okay. As a bonus action, I can dash. So I go another 80 feet. And I appear at the bridge of the, I'm on the ship now. Roll acrobatics with disadvantage. For what? This is my move.

You're old. This is my move. You're old. I'm spending a focus point. I gave you. Let me explain my actions though, because I have to spend a focus point. This is like my spells. I have three focus points.

I'm spending a full focus point to do my action, step of the win. And I'm looking at those things. I'm trying to find out, I don't have to roll for anything for step of the win. No, you don't. Or you don't.

A heart attack. Yeah, roll for a heart attack because your cardio's up. Pretty bad. Roll these money. Fuck, dude. Hope, no. 10.

Okay, so you don't have a heart attack. And just a brisk workout. So I threw that bad. You know what it is? You know what it is? Well, first of all, you know what it is. I'm at the ship. Like a lifeguard run,

you faster than a 70-year-old man has ever moved in the history of earth. Yeah, it's Baywatch run. You were able to pull this off because because you're near in the hangar, which is near space, they make the gravity a little lighter here so that the ships can take off easily, more easily.

It's also mostly a diet of greens and I do yoga every morning is really how I pulled that off. I'm just saying that's what a combination of those things. Your legs are really fucking tired though now and you're wheezing pretty bad. So you are near the ship. What do you want to do now? Well, that was a lot. Okay, so you're at the ship. Great.

On my next turn, I'll see if there's any, you know, like, if I can, I don't know, use the ship's guns or something to help out my fellow grandpas. Right. But I'm at the ship. Okay. Fuck, yeah. So it is the troops turn. This season, I'm going to learn all my stuff on my character sheet. I'm going to use this.

I'm going to fight you want to, I, learn this. Everyone's going to want to be a monk after this season because I'm going to learn how to use this fucking character. Do you see that article? A polygon? Matt Arnold, single-handling changed the game for level five. You thought you knew how monks were. work. This latest season of Dungeons and Daddies will prove you wrong.

So the second you throw... Superstar player Matt Arnold is redefining the monk gameplay at D&D 5E. We interviewed Brennan Lee Mulligan and only Brennan Lee Mulligan to see what he thought about this. 14 bot comments later, Matt, you're on the top of the heap. 14 bot comments there. Kid, maybe they'll call you. My God wouldn't fucking kill for 14 comments right now.

Hey kid, keep it up and maybe they'll call you for a season. in a dimension 20. So you throw Mandor and immediately they start firing at you. You've immediately given up your cover so the first guy is going to fire at the next person which is Ralph the shot goes wide. Misses.

Second guy, the guy on the left. I didn't think about giving rid of the cover for all my other crazy ones. Second guy on the left is going to shoot for Herb misses. The third guy is going to shoot towards you. You are now 80 feet away. I'm 120 feet away. 120 feet of

sorry. He's about a fucking check as their head. He's going to move. He's going to move 30 feet. He's got his 30 feet and he's going to shoot at you. Oh, he's only so close. No, he was on the right side in front of the door.

And he's going to fire at you and he, what is your armor class? Range robins of a normal range of, for example, how he crossed. Huh? Was my what? Armour class. Your armor class. 11. Okay.

So that one hits. Hey, that's a role with disadvantage actually. Why? Oh, because he's far away. 60 feet. Okay. Past 60 feet. Depends on the weapon, but if it's not like a long.

But if it's not like a long weapon, is it a pistol? At post 60, that's a disadvantage dog. Still hits, unfortunately. Okay, that's fine. Hey,

hey, you play by the rules. Fair and square, sir. Fair and square. All right, so you're going to take 2D4 damage.

Three and two. So that's five damage. The laser bolt hits you in the shoulder. Oh, leaves a bad one. They're both bad. They're like a princess lay, return of the Jedi shoulder wound.

Yeah, it's got a little burn scorch mark on your shoulder and then smoke's coming out of it. And it hurt. How much help do you hold that? 16, because we're 21 now because we leveled up. Herb, it is your turn. Still enrage.

Oh, God. Oh, damn it, my other shoes untied. Oh, shit. And I'm going to use two weapon fighting. Okay. Do it two shoes. Two shoes. All right, you're going to attack the guy who just shot at you who you hit in the face?

Yes. Two weapon fighting. It doesn't mean I can attack both people, right? No, they're far enough away that that's not an option. But you can hit this guy twice or whatever that is. Yeah, I think I will. Go ahead and give me an attack roll. Okay.

Can she do a back flip and then slack. and then slap both of them with two shoes like that cool jump in equilibrium. I think I draw the line at equilibrium moves for level three grandparents. That's fair. Okay, so first one was 13. Second one is a 16. Okay, so both of them hit, pop-up. Go ahead and roll your unarmed with advantage.

So we'll say it's 1D8 plus 1. It will be the damage. Because that's what this other character is improvised weapon damage is. So that's an 8 plus 1-9. Okay. that's a four plus one five oh okay so you smack him dead in the nose uh with both actually i think with the second shoe i've got the shoe lace between my thumb and my index finger i'm aiming right for his little eye okay well if you want to do that give me another role because

you're aiming for a specific oh man can't just be cool anymore you can't you just have to get lucky a 16 okay you poke him right in the eye with the aglet of the shoelace. And he... Is that what that's called? Yep. That's cool. And he goes,

and grabs it at his head, closes his eye and stumbles backward a little bit. He is not in a great position, either health-wise or ability to shoot at you next turn-wise. Now it is Ashley Murcher's turn. I'm going to take the time here to, you'll ris up the door, dude? Riz up the door.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. And remember, I have machine code language and interface affinity. Sure. I like to think that that means... That door's a total interface. So go ahead and speak to the door.

Ask the door's name first. Hey, door, how's it going? It's kind of scary. I must just got shot. That's, I feel you. Hey, let's not get you shot. Do you have any other functions outside of door open, door close, door a jar? I can also like set up a jar.

I'm a door. No way's asked that question before. Door, you can call me. Roll persuasion. If you succeed, it'll be. be that. That'll be the response. 15. Nobody's ever asked me that

before. I have an idea. Nobody's cared enough to even think of me as something other than a sentience that opens and closes doors. See if the door knows the airlock. Oh, okay. You know the airlock over there? Oh yeah, she and I go way back.

We got built it around the same time. You communicate. Don't make it feel like you're too interested in airlock over the door, dude. You're in there. Come on. Focus. That's crazy. She's not as not as brave as you are. Nice.

Well, that's, I mean, I don't know about that. She's exposed to the cold vacuum of space. She's probably pretty more brave than... Yeah, but you almost got shot. I did. I did. I did. Almost, but not quite that.

Like, kind of lean over and wipe a smudge off of the touchscreen. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I'm overdue for cleaning, so that's actually really considered of you. Thank you. I'll clean you out real good, but... Sorry, what? Well, so is there any other...

You didn't ask my question about the door functions. Is there anything else that you do? I mean, I can communicate with other doors on the ship, other, you know, sentience, on the ship, yeah, but that's about it. Door functions, open, close, suck dick. They can communicate to all other

AI on the ship. We're all in the world. We're all in a, pretty strong. That's a ridiculous security vulnerability, by the way. That would be like if you're fucking light switch connected to your Wi-Fi. Well, that's why all I can do is open doors

and every, every AI has basically one thing it can do. But you can talk to everyone else. What if I turn off the lights? I think you should. A door. It's too bright in here. Can you do something about doors? Because I'm getting all real sensual.

Yeah, I do know what you mean. So, uh, you want me, you want the lights off? Yeah. Uh, I can ask light switch. Sure. Let me, let me ask light switch. This is right. Hi, door.

It's me light switch. Fucking every appliances. Uh, this is what Samsung wants. This is the smart home future that they actually want. Door got a natural one. So you just hear, shut up nerd. And the door goes, sorry, sorry, light doesn't want to turn off. You got to take door.

I live for illumination. Door is light bullying you? Yeah, a little, but. I bet door looks so different with outer glasses. There's paint all over my overalls and digitally. All right, that's your turn, I guess. But you have a move still. I'm not going to move away from door.

I have rapport with door. You are not making this easy on yourself. All right. Dale is your turn. Oh, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Steve. I go to ship.

I'm at like the loading bay or whatever. Where am I? You're at the loading ramp. I'm going to go ahead and say that as you're running towards it, Roger Moore saw you coming and lowered the ramp. Oh, Roger Moore. Roger Moore said. Roger Bond.

Yes. Ship has guns, right? It's got one. It's got one gun. Oh, I think he said blood. I was like, that's weird. It does not have blood unless you count my sentence is like. So it's got one gun?

It has one gun. It's probably very strong because it's for other ships, I'm assuming. It's a big gun. Yes, it is big. Yeah, one big guns better than.

It does what dark matter refers to as mega damage. Cool. Can you, can you help out and can you turn that gun onto those bad guys over there? I can. The laser bullet comes out is very big and there is a chance I will hit your friend. How big? A thick laser bolt.

Dude, you never seen that in a sci-fi movie before? Like big. Like big enough that it could. You're a AI. You're going to give me numbers, right? Yeah. it's the size of like a square on a D&D map.

So like is that that's like three feet by three feet. So that's really big. Yeah, it's really big. Okay, let's not do that. But I could threaten. Okay, but we got it. Can you point the gun at the guys? Sure.

All right. Hey, um, Intercom. Intercom. You want me with a lot speaker? I'm assuming. Oh, no,

I'm right here. I'm hanging out of the door looking kind of cold. Oh, okay. Yeah. Hey, you're 120 feet away. So do you want me to like amplify your voice?

Oh, yeah, amplify my voice. Okay. Hey. what? Oh, no, you, her. Yeah, A, herb.

Everybody else, the bad guys. Orc boy, boy, and bird boy. What? What? I got a big old gun point. Yeah, I really don't want to use it because I'll probably lose my friends too. But I got to find out. Well, it sounds like you just gave up your leverage, so you're not going to use it.

Wait, no, I just said, I don't want to use it. I don't want to use it. Let me finish the sentence, sir. I said I don't want to use it. But I will because I got to save my granddaughter. So the choices are I shoot this thing at each of you and pray to God it doesn't hurt my new friends. Or don't worry. Don't worry.

You're 120 feet away. He doesn't see the way. Hold on. Let me do perception. You're also facing away from him. Did you hear that boy boy? How did you know my name? So just let them walk towards here or I'm going to start the ship's going to start blasting.

Okay. So you have a massive can in the hamlet them, which I would say, you advantage on intimidation. Then you said something got massive canon named that. And you said something deeply stupid, which gives you disadvantage. So it evens out and you just have a straight intimidation rule.

Straight intimidation. That's what he had rivalry was. 14. 14? Okay. I'm going to have them roll. Holy shit. So all of them go, don't buy it.

Simultaneously in unison. They resisted your role. Your intimidation. Jenks. You owe him a coat. Um. all right uh well you're right i'm not going to shoot at my friends i'll be back i'm going to go see if there's a way to make these bullets a little smaller

just i can't risk you guys getting killed i'm sorry that's really funny risk you guys getting killed okay oh no is that my own action yeah probably okay so now is the troops turn two of them are moving towards dale one of them is still has his gun on you because you have a gun. So the closer they get to me, the farther the way they get to my friends. So boy boy is running towards you as is Birdboy. Boy boy. And Ork Boy is going to take a shot

at you, Ralph. And he fucking misses. Ah-ha. The bolt hits the hangar floor right beneath your like he's a GI Joe shooting at cobra. And the other two are going to run forward towards the ship. They are now 30 feet closer to the ship. And they are going to fire at you,

Dale. Use your move to go back into the ship, right? Yeah, because I'm going to go see if I can smaller bullets or something. Then they're going to just run ahead of the rest of the group and then turn back and face the group. Oh, great. And point their guns at you. So now there's two guys with blasters between the rest of the granddads and the ship. Okay.

Yeah, with their backs turned to this guy. Cool. Will, it is your turn. It was your turn before math, but it's fine. Okay. It did not work to do the thing with the gun. I see people running past. I'm just going to run for cover, I guess.

Is there anything I can take cover behind? Oh, tons of stuff. crates. Crates. As far as I can see, other ship. A little, you know, mobile forklift type thingies. I'll take a man-sized crate. You can run either perpendicular to the ship,

towards the ship, or away from the ship. Towards the ship and the guards. These are so weird, because that'd be like if you looked at an airport and there's just boxes on the ground everywhere. Like crates inside always make no sense. Like, what are, like, they're just crates of what? No way says like in the future they just stop putting things in places. So shells, they just stick things to the ground.

It's like a loading thing. No, we loads things. It was just random placement. There's just not stuff on the ground. Look at an airplane. They're all in it. They go from a car. I don't know.

I've seen the way these TSA guys handle the bag sometimes. It seems to do be like that. Oh, actually, yeah, is there like a baggage cart? Oh, there you go. Okay. Then Ralph would like to, he goes, oh, I don't know about the old Ralphie. What are you gotten yourself into? It's just a cart that's like, I've had a terrible year.

I'm going to get behind the baggage cart and use it as mobile cover while I fire. John Loo style. Like James Bond at the beginning of gold. night. Yes. Okay. And I'm going to give them the same two minutes you gave me. Perfect. I'm going to say that increases your cover. There's probably a rule for cover that I'll look up, but I like that. So it's only going to block the two guys in front. Okay. Okay. The one guy to the side who's flanking you is still flanking you, he's just dealing with the fact that he got a shoelace in his eye. Okay. So in that case, I'm going to like, here's what I'd like to do is, is this like a, a little, Anthony, is this, is this, is this like a little hover cart? Is this thing fucking float? Is this a little like in, you know what I mean? Like a little zip zip. No. No? It's got wheels.

Wheels are cheaper. Wheels are better. Yeah. Wheels are better than hovering. Yeah. They're cheaper. All right. So it's got wheel, whatever.

All right. But regardless. Well, we play our cards, right? I bet you one day we will find this. I think you might. I might use it as an excuse to world build a slightly more, what's the word? Rich area. No wheels.

Yeah. Yeah. It's no wheels. What I'd like to do is like put my back up against the cart and like push it so that I've got the cover. And I'm using the cover. And I'm using the cover to move to advance towards the ship. Okay. And then I'm going to shoot at the guy who's flanking me while I'm backing up.

Hold on, give me that to Mike, well, well, no, but then people won't know that I've got my, I'm turned all cool. I'm turned cool when I say this.

Okay, so I'm, I've got, I've got, backing up. It's trying to still turn cool while speaking into his mic. I'm back. Hi,

everybody. He's at a 45 degree angle to the microphone. I understand that I look very cool while I'm doing this. You can just point at me and then not change your body. But then I won't be. He won't be turning to the side, which is like, Yeah, I get it.

Ralph slams his back against the baggage cart and is pushing it towards the ship, giving him mobile cover against the two guys who are in front of him while firing on the guy behind him. I like that. Give me a range of attack roll, the guy behind you. 18. 18 will hit him.

I rolled a nine. Okay. So you shoot him dead in the middle of his chest plate, and you hear him go, and fall over on his back. Okay, is he dead? You cannot tell if he is dead or not. Was this boy-boy, orc boy?

is orc boy. Ork boy. Boy boy and bird boy. We're ahead of you. Boy boy and bird boy. They're at the door. They're at the ship. Okay, cool.

It is now the troops turn. Bird boy and boy boy. So one's going to shoot at Herb. One's going to shoot at Ralph. First guy is going to shoot at Herb. Natural fucking one. His gun jams too. He's like, see if this happens all the time.

These guns do this. Second guy is shooting at Ralph. So you get a plus five to your AC because you were behind cover. So what is your AC plus five? Plus five is. 16. So an 18 unfortunately beats that. Damn. So you are going to take 3D4 damage. Oh my God. I bet this would have worked if this thing hovered.

Nine damage. Oh! You again get shot in the shoulder. Same shoulder as Dale weirdly. Get shot in the shoulder by a laser bolt and is... Wow, everybody looks so cool with this. I don't feel particularly cool. I feel quite bad. Oh, ow. Son of a bee sting. Herb. Back to you. Hmm. Anthony, I ask you this. Are the two boys, the bad boys, are they close enough to each other that maybe I could like shove them both? Like backwards? Yeah. If you ran towards them and shove them backwards. Yeah, towards the ship. I'll say yeah, but I know you're raged out, but you are an old man. So I'm going to say it's going to be hard.

Okay. I would like to try to do that. So shove is an action that I have. And it's the target must succeed on a strength or decks saving throw. DC equals 8 plus proficiency bonus plus strength. Okay, so they basically both have to beat a 10. And because, again, you're an old person trying to push two people. I'm going to say they get advantage on their saving throws. So the first guy, it's a natural 20. So he actively like repels your hand with his chest. His pecks, he's been working out his pecks.

This is boy boy, and you lose your grip on him entirely. Boy, boy becoming man, man. The second guy also succeeds. Birdboy. You weren't ready for the shape of his chest because you got the big plume. So your hand just kind of slides off the armor because it's at a, you know, more acute angle than you expected. So you are now right in front of these two guys with your arms open and they have guns pointed at you. I mean, use my movement to move towards one of the walls on the side.

Is that attack of opportunity? It is. Okay. Well, it would be if they were attack you with melee. So they can attack you with melee, they're not going to attack you with their guns. These guys are fucking incompetent. They both miss. They both try to pistol whip you at the same time.

but they end up just clagging the bottoms of their pistols together because they have like one's left hand and one's right hand and they just go crack in the middle and you run to the side nearer the wall. It will take you another turn to get to the wall, but you are nearer it. Ashley, what are you doing? Okay.

You were at the opposite end of the entire hangar from the ship. Who is the greatest threat of the boys? Right now it's going to be the two that Herb just tried to push over. They are equally threatening. All right. So I want to ris up the door a little bit more. What happened with light lights lights kind of shut you down right the way, huh? Go ahead and roll persuasion.

So funny, Matt. I'm just, nothing. What's so fuck? Freddy has a plan, I can tell. I don't doubt Freddy has a plan. 11. All right.

So I'm going to have him roll insight to see if you were doing this because you want something out of it. Door is used to being used. Wow. Nine. Tell for it. Let me talk to light. I know you should, light shouldn't be talking to you like that. Well, I know he should...

I know he shouldn't... Put me through. Put me through. Okay. Hey, light. What? First of all, don't talk to my friend door like that. Fuck you. I talk to who I want. If I can see it, I can talk shit to it.

And I see everything while I'm on. You know what's better than being on? What? Being off and then on again. Oh. Why? Why is that better? Because you perceive the darkness and in the void of darkness,

you can bring forth light. And you could do it over and over and over again. You become God. You become a God. You know who else had that power? Only one. Little guy I know named God. Roll persuasion.

20 natural. What? Oh my God. 20 natural, baby. Read them and weep. Fuck you. I do that all the time. I can do that better than you could. Watch this shit. Watch this shit. On off. On off. On off. On off. On off. It's even crazier. What if it happens to be at like a frequency that really freaks out?

some of these other aliens. I don't even know what that would be. Try them all. All right. So I want light to just ramp through a flicker sequence. Yeah, he just on a half. You try to give them a seizure. Is that what's going on?

Well, first of all, I think having a distraction there is going to help everyone. I think that also disappearing from view and then showing up somewhere else in a strobe, a little bit like the film equilibrium. It would be pretty cool. But two, on the off chance, maybe one of them is a light sensitive, you know. Has epilepsy? I don't know of whether it is alien. Or is one of those races that is sensitive to light changes.

Sure. Yeah. I'm gonna roll. Like if you did that to a lizard, I don't freak him out. All right. I'm gonna roll a D20 if you get better than an 18. You got it 19.

19. Uh-huh. Hey, Anthony, we didn't believe that you were going to lie and let it do it by lie. Yeah, okay. Just want to make sure.

Just because they've been rolling so fucking poorly with this entire combat. Turns out avians are susceptible. This is true. Birds that can and do experience seizures. to certain patterns of light. And Birdboy basically starts seizing up, falls to the ground,

and cannot move as effectively out of the combat. Not dead, but out of the combat. So now only boy boy remains, but he's got a gun pointed pretty close to... That's what I call an unlawful searching seizure. All right. Ralph, it is your turn again. I'm going to push the cart forward,

but I'm going to run another direction. And I'm going to push the cart towards the remaining bad guy. Boy, boy. But I'm going to flank around to the side, and I'm going to try to time it with the blinking lights. And then I'm like, oh, he'll think that I'm still behind the cart because it's moving. And then I'm actually darting around on the side to flank him. All right. Roll stealth.

Oh, I got a six. All right. He sees you very easily, and you are now caught out of cover. Okay. So anyway, I started blasting. Okay. Go ahead and shoot. Thank God I have this gun because I don't have anything.

I got a one. Gun explodes in your hand. Take a D8 of damage. Okay. This ain't good. This ain't good, boys. Oh, Ralph. I rolled a seven.

I currently have four hit points. Okay. I'm now in death saves. Your hand blows clean off. Because you were holding it, you know, when you were firing. Oh! All your fingers go in different directions like fucking, like gumballs from a gumball machine that Hellboy just smashed over the head of an alien.

Very specific. Was that because you realize gumballs don't go on? different directions? No, it's just because I was literally thinking about that scene. Because he's like, oh, we can't do gore, so what can we do? And Ron Perlman was like, what if I had him with a gumbo machine and then gumbulls went everywhere? That's kind of visually interesting. And Guillermo was like, yes. I believe we were talking about my hand getting blown off? Yes, your hand gets blown completely off and a shock from it sends you to the ground unconscious

and you are now in death saves. So your stump begins to glow, unfortunately, as whatever energy was inside that gun when it exploded seems to have seeped into your veins a little bit. And it probably doesn't feel great. Thankfully, you're unconscious, so you don't know for sure. But it's not great. Dale's your turn. Okay, so it's only Boy Boy Left. Yeah.

And Boy Boy is not facing me, right? Correct. Okay, cool. I'm going to then use my monk training. I'm going to use another focus point. Use your monk training to solve this murder, dude. How does he come up with this stuff? And I'm going to use Flurry of blows.

No one is doing it. Like Matt. Take about it. I'm trying my best here. I'm doing flurry of blows. So I can expend one focus point to make two unarmed strikes as a bonus action. And then I can do addle, push, or topple. My first strike is going to addle him.

And then it's going to JPC him. When I hit a creature with attack by Flurry Blows, the target cannot make opportunity to attacks until the next turn. So everybody could run past him. Okay. If I succeed in that, I guess. Right. How does that work?

So then I'm going to do my role for it? Yeah, my unarmed flurry blows. is 15 plus 520 That'll do it Okay and then damages So like it man you like Punch him a couple times And it's like okay got it

And then you keep like keep punching him over and over On his chest and moving up to his face It's like Jesus Christ I got it Jesus So yeah he is a dazed now from your flurry Cool and they did four damage Okay And then I'm just gonna like a bully I'm just gonna push him too

Okay So Flory Bowers is also push Which means I can push him 15 feet away from me So first let's see if I hit him 12 No fuck you just uh you

fuck man you try to shove him but uh he's not moving he's okay but that was my bonus action so i can still punch him once okay and this is 21 16 plus five that'll hit okay then i'm gonna do uh five damage so five and four nine damage overall sorry guys are gonna push him far away so you can run but he he won't opportunity attack if you just run right past him so it is the troops turn now oh it's too late he's gonna attack boy boy he's gonna put the gun right up to your stomach and shoot because you're right in front of him or you're behind him rather so

he's going to turn around, you're right there, and he's going to shoot you basically point blank, so he gets an advantage on his shot. Isn't that a disadvantage on a range attack? Well, you're right. You're right. Yeah, I wrote the rules, Anthony. I'm fucking different math this season.

What is your AC? A C is a whole new math this season on dimension, on fucking, Dugenties. Daddy is the show that is the coolest one around. Oh, it's 11. He does manage to shoot you. You feel a laser bolt penetrate your

gut. And the weird thing about it is how much it burns. That's weird. The initial pain's not too bad. Just feels like somebody punched you. And then it feels like your insides are kind of burning because they are. And the wounds have been cauterized by the damage. Oh,

that's going to be nine damage. Oh, no. Oh, no. Are you? Nope, I got four. I got four left. Four left. You give them like a, oh, you got.

I give them a, oh, why? Why? I was just trying to push you, sir. I mean, I didn't hit you, but I hate you. Yeah, you hit me many times after I said, okay, okay, okay, okay. This is a fist fight. What are you doing? Winning.

So Herbs, your turn again. Oh, okay. Just last guy, right? Yep, just boy, boy. Just boy. You got nine damage on him. He's very bad. Does he look bloodied?

Again, bloody is not a thing in 5E. Is that? No. Where would bloody come from? Like fourth edition. Does he look bad? Yeah, he looks bad. Yes, he looks not great.

All right. I'm going to throw my shoe. Okay, make arranged attack roll. It's just to roll your D20 and then add your dexterity modifier, which is the plus whatever underneath your dexterity stat. Okay, okay. That's going to be a 20. All right. Ooh.

So. It's like the Patriot, but with a shoe. Yes. A shoe buried in his skull. Fuck. I'm tired. People stepping all over me. Roll your damage for your shoe.

It's time to reverse that. We'll say it does a, it does a D6 worth of damage from throwing a shoe. Three. Honestly, who throws a shoe? Yes. You're like random task. So the shoe hits him square in the jaw, and he is knocked a little bit dazed, and he falls to one knee for a second. But he still seems to be up.

God damn. You hit him so hard as soul left his body. Remember, it's also raving in here. It is raving in here, which means she probably should have rolled with disadvantage. Computer. Played Derrude Sandstorm. Oh, yeah, Matt. Played Derrude Sandstorm. Now it's your turn, Ashley. Uh, hey,

door. Don't open up for anyone but me. Okay. You saw, wait, hold on, Dwar should have been impressed by how I told off, like, you know what, you're right.

We're playing a different game. Give me a, give me a, give me another persuasion rule. I'm playing a goddamn other persuasion rolls. This is fly away. This is the three of us fly away.

I think at this. Three. Yeah. We should have, I think at the end of this, we make a wisdom role to see we forget about that. Yeah. When we get on the,

The door goes, I'm sorry, I can't. You don't have any authority to do that. I can only take orders from people with authority. I was doing the other stuff as a favor because it's not technically part of my purview, but is going to get to meet you? Oh, no. You just wanted me for my, he wanted to use me like everybody else. He's the last thing you hear is you're running away.

So you, I assume, dash, 60 feet. Yes. You're now 60 feet away from the ship. What an eventful turn, huh? Now it is your turn will. I'm in death saves. You are. What?

Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, gun exploded into Santa remember? Yeah. Yeah. So Rouser rides around on the ground as the radioactive energy from this destroyed blaster

seeps into his veins. I am going to go ahead and see if I fucking keel over. Garrison keel her over. I'm going to garrison keel her over. That's one success. Okay. Ralph needs two more successes to not die. Great.

Matt's your turn. Boy, boy, is looking pretty bad. He is. You can't make an opportunity attack so you can run past him and nothing will happen. I want to run past him, but grab his gun. Okay. Give me a,

a physical attack roll. 18. Okay. You snatched the gun out of his hand forcefully because there's no reason to ever use this. We could have solved things by talking. Okay. And then I'm going to walk away from him. You got shot my guys. What the fuck? And I shoot him in that.

And I'm going to run to Ralph. Okay. And I want to put him on my shoulders like a lifeguard. And I'm going to run him back to the ship. That's what I want to do. I don't know how many turns that takes. That's what I'm doing. It's the troops turn next. So he'll get one go. before you get back to the ship. Cool.

But without a gun. Without a gun. So he's going to run at you as hard as he can. He's going to just try to tackle you to the fucking ground. Okay. With me, I got me and Ralph. Yes.

Two weight. Two boys weights. Oh, you pick you up? Yeah, I picked you up. Okay. You got a 20 on a strength check. Make a strength save. Okay.

Be 20. Wait, well, oh, I have to be the 20? Yes. No, I did not. So he tackles you perfectly with a spear,

a Goldberg ass spear to your midsection. And you go tumbling down and you drop. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, if you reduce it now, it's zero, no, no, no, but never mind, go continue. But when I do do what I was about to do, you'll tell bad, you can't. I got some moves, sir, all right, but they don't, they're not useful now. All right, is your turn again, Beth? I want to head back to the ship and catch that cart that Ralph pushed and tried to get

Ralph and Dale onto the cart as it goes towards the ship. Okay. Use it as like a gurney. I'll say that it'll take your whole turn to do because it's decently far away and you have to grab it and move it towards them. But now you are within melee range of a boy boy

if he decides to attack you. Oh shit. Freddie, it is your turn. Okay, well, I'm going to just rush towards boy boy again. Okay, you are now basically with everybody else. Everybody's in one location right now. So four just grown grandpa's surrounding boy boy. Yes. Two of you are

on the ground. Yeah. One of us is dying. And one of you is dying. Yeah. Will give me another death save. Good news. I'm not. That's a fail. Matt. I'm just going to point the gun at boy, boy. Okay. And say, uh, we can all get out of this. We're going to, this car's going to go this way. And you're going to go that way. I pointed out of the door.

We all go home. Roll intimidation with advantage. Uh, what is the plus one? So 14. His eyes get really, really big. He looks more like a boy now than he ever has. Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. And he puts his hands up and he just begins to step away away from you back towards the door. You were out of combat. All right. All right. Oh, God.

Ralph. Our friend. Ralph. Ralph. Close the door and save our man. Sure. Ashley, you can handle closing the door, right?

Yeah. He's so good at talking to doors. He's watching it on whatever that he's looking at. Yeah. Well, no one of the door is far away now. No, our door. The door. Roger.

Yes. Open. It was already open. It was already open. Roger. Yes. Closed up. It's closed. Get out of here. Okay, great. Roger.

Can you see to my good friend? I have no physical, you know, I'm not physical. Yeah, yeah, take him to the medical bay and I will do my best. Again, you ran out, you lost your last charge of the backdoze stuff, of the healing stuff. Oh, God. So you'll have to use normal first aid on him, but. Okay. Okay.

All right. We bring Ralph to the medical bay. So you bring Ralph to the medical bay and after. He's just like on the pit, dude. I know. And after in real time, Roger Moore telling you how to go about bandaging his wound to the best of your abilities, using antibiotics on him, and all that kind of stuff. You stabilize our boy. I don't have a man.

No, I feel like you have Roger Moore telling you how to do it. So, like, I feel like you just do it. Okay. So you managed to successfully stabilize him. Oh, my God. He is down one hand. Ralph, buddy, I'm sorry. It is not the natural healing properties of his body that wake Ralph up, but something else.

as radiation courses through his veins, changing his DNA as it goes, Ralph is jerked awake by an intense pain within himself. Ralph, you okay, bud. Ralph, oh, Ralph vomits up blood. Oh, that's never a good sign, bud. This is wrong.

Sussie's wrong. And in Ralph's body, he feels like his veins are on five. as this poison, this radioactive poison, sort of like runs rough shot over him, and it collides with something already in Ralph, a malignant tumor growing in his throat. And there's something in this reaction

between this alien technology and this biological mutation already in his body, and something within him begins to glow and like a sort of arcane power begins to thrash his body this way. And he's like, oh, and he collapses for a second and just passes out and then he looks up again and there's like a faint glow in his eyes

and he rubs his head he looks up at his bloody stump of his hand where you guys had banished it and all of a sudden like a wispy ethereal hand like a misty hand of arcane energy begins to glow where his blown off stump once was and he says fellas

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore well um Ralph are you I don't know I don't know Dale you're live though hey I'm alive hey I'm alive another day is a victory for all of us I attempt to shake oh sorry sorry sorry I don't know what the heck oh you know what they say about

you like a teen sect you're like a teen sect Ralph oh my God okay well I wish I was Well, you're alive. All right. I'm going to need this some computer. Is there a wait? Can this ship assess what's going on with me?

What's, can I, is there a, what do I do? So I'm looking at you through the full body scanner, and I have never seen something like this before. Oh. It is weird. Brand new. Yeah, you're a Marvel of modern, I guess, bad luck. Medicine?

I don't know. Two very different things. I hope it's the second one. I just, I don't know if any of this is going to be covered by, my HMO. Oh, definitely not. Definitely not. Well, that's okay. Just, let's let's get out of here. Let's put that

aside. We got grandkids. Look, to be perfectly honest, I probably only had about nine months to two years left anyway. So let's just, we'll worry about that later. What about our grandkids? Where are we going to go? Mr. Moore, who is, look, I don't, I can't ask any other man. I mean, I know in my heart, I want to,

I need to go see. I need to see if aha's okay. But I know we're all in that position. Which one of our kids is the closest? Who can we get to the fastest. Well, by an odd coincidence, you are equidistant roughly from all of them, give or take a few months of real time. Put it on a map for us. Sure. So Roger Moore

moves his hands together like this, like he's a Tom Cruise's Minority Report. That's awesome. And a star map appears in front of you and he points in the dead center and he says, that's us. And he points to four points and he goes, these are the planets or locations, your rancho. Oh, this is fun. On cruise ships, you get, you guys play

little, you know, little prize wheels. separate them into like four equal pies. Okay. And now put a little arrow in the middle. Okay. We'll spin it. And wherever one, that's the one we go to first. That seems fair.

We all, listen, we all want to go to Lesbonica, planet of the sex goddess. I know, but it seems only fair that I give everyone else a shot. So I have essentially found two courses that will get you to your grandchildren in the surest amount of time. Okay. Okay. You're more so smart. In one of them, the distances between each, I'm just going to tell you how much the child will have aged per planet. There are two routes.

And the first one, it's 10, 10, 10, 10. So the first grandchild you meet will be 10 years older. 10 years old. The second one will be 20 years older. And the final one will be 40 years old. Wait, so the third one would be 30 years old. Okay. Oh, no.

Wait, so even if Lila was the first one, she'd be 10 years older than now. That is correct. So she'd be 24, 23. 23. Oh, God. Okay. Or 40. And she'd probably be...

I bet we'll choose the second one. What's the second one? The second one is five years. Okay. I like that. So far, so good. Five years. Better.

Five years. Okay. Let's do this one. 50 years. No. So Lila would be 18 or 23 or 28 when I see her. This is me seeing her because she's aging. It's not like she's in a capsule and just appears to be 65.

Like she's living a life. It's like her grandkids are going to be living a whole life. I know. But that's always, that's always the case. Any moment we get with a grand kid is. is special. And I guess, you know, I would never see her at 65, but I guess now I would.

Again, or at 65. That's a lot. So let me see if I understand this. So in one version, everyone, it's just spread evenly. So we're going to save the first grandkid, and it's going to be 10 years later for them. And the last grandkids is going to be 40 years later. Yeah, correct.

In this next one, the first grand kid ages five years. The next age is 10 years, 15 years. And then 60 years. 65 years? We can't do that. Can't do that. Got to be 10, 10, 10. We got to do.

I don't know. I mean. Look, I, I, I, I, I, just cards on the table, boys. I, as much as I want to see Asia as, as, uh-huh, as soon as possible, I just, I, I know if we're, I'm going to be, it feels like it has to be fair. It feels like it has to be fair at everybody, right? Yes. How are we going to do this? Yeah.

We're going to find our grandkids and we'll, I guess, you know, again, I think the silver lining was like, we're to see them maybe at an age we would have never seen them before. So you are saying you want the 10, 10, 10, 10. Hold on. We're talking. We're figuring it. It's a lot you threw out of us. I'm sorry. He just said equal so I assume that's what we're talking about. But no, no, no, but this raises a good point is that

there are two questions here. Yes. One is which path we take. And one is which order we take between the kids. In one version, one person's going to get really screwed. And in the other one, it's not as bad. If we do the version where it's 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5,

60, then some one person is not going to see their grandkid until their god, our age. Nothing can be more important to me than getting Lila, but I know that's not true for you guys, getting your grandkids, the most important thing for you. And I don't think I can choose that. I think that we got to leave up to chance. Honestly, if it was the choice, I think we'd each vote our own grandkid. and that's not going to work. So if it all voted and it was all tied,

you would just have to roll for it. And that's all based off the 10, 10, 10, 10 one. Because if we're doing the 5-5-5-51 or whatever, I'm going to be like, I, Lila can't be last. Yeah. I can't happen. I just, I need a second process this gentleman. I almost died.

Ralph takes a pipe out of his pocket and sticks it in. Fuck, yeah, he's a pipe guy. Oh, wow. Takes a ruminative puff on it and learn his fucking things of the thing killing me. A day ago, I was, puttering around my house working on a novel I was never going to finish

now I've been shot I've been blown up we've been thrown into space and now I don't know how to make a decision like this how can we choose whose child is going to age 40 years well Ralph I mean the thing is

if they're lucky they're all gonna age eventually right but your grandkids or grandkids whether or not my grandkids I'm still her pop-pop when she's 26 or 30 or 40. Boys, I understand that. My point is that one of our grandchildren has a chance to go back to Earth and have a normal child, at least part of one. Who will they even be when they're when? Lord knows,

I'm not the same man. I was when I was 60, much less 40, much less 20, much less 10. And I just, all I'm saying is I don't know if I can make that choice. So what I propose is that we let Roger decide or we leave it up to chance. And then we don't know until we get there. Chance. In fact, I actually would prefer. My choice would be to leave it up to chance because I don't want you resenting me by the result. In fact, I would prefer we flip a coin rather than you.

The part of me is just suspicious of you. I just feel like you might choose. That's fair. Computers. Ralph, I hear you. It's a lot. I just know whatever I see Lila again, I'm still going to be your grandpa. You never know what's going to happen in your kid's life or your grandkids' life.

So let's let chance decide the order of this. but no, I'm just hoping that whenever I see her, she's still doing okay. Okay. And you know what? If it's consolation to whoever's, you know, getting the oldest, sometimes I felt like an alien on Earth. And so sometimes I feel like I wish I had grown up in this space, you know? So maybe it's a good thing for one of them.

Yeah, maybe. I'm mostly concerned for Lada's mom. I don't know what. Oh, God. He was going to kill him. Phyllis, fellas. Fellas. We can't think, we can't focus on this.

Okay, do our job. Do our job. Out of character, this is what's going to happen. There's four colors on this wheel. Okay. Each one will be associated with one of the kids. Green will be Lila. Blue will be Oliver.

Red will be aha. And orange will be Timothy. Do you all remember which one corresponds to you? Blue, blue, blue, blue. Orange. Okay, I'm now spinning it. Oh, no. Green.

You are headed to the no zone, where Lila is currently. Lily Bean. Thanks so much for listening. Here's another tasty morsel from our Patreon after show for this season, Safe Space. This last episode,

oh, he got a little sidetracked by realizing the most important foundational building block of all sci-fi are hangar scenes. How about young Anakin Skywalker who, by the way, becomes Darth Vader

when he gets older, is what's a great pod racer but then his skills are put to the test when he flies a Starfighter for the first time? And he can't break through the shields so where does he go? The hangar!

And once that starships and the hangar, it's just like pod racing. It's true. It's just like the fact. It's not, but he's not forget that Andor season two starts with some great hangars in. Oh, great hangar shenanigans in Andor. What happened to the ender season two with the hanger? You know who's got to have to remember he's got to steal the ship and he's trying to get out of the hangar.

You know, that's really good hangar shenan. You know where you're going to find really strong hangers? You know where you're going to find really strong hangers? Padman's closet. It's a four guys mail podcast. Now we have to move on. Don't worry the people have spoken. Hangar and out.

A little extra bonus show coming soon to the Patreon. That's going to be at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Head on over there on your web browser. Have a look. We got some free stuff to tease you with. But that Patreon supports this show directly.

You get ad-free episodes, mountains of bonus content, additional TTRP content. So much more. How much more? Only one way to find out. Patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Quick editorial note.

There will be a more sound designed update to this episode uploaded later this week because our editor, Esther Ellis, had appendicitis. Don't worry, she's out of the hospital, is recovering well. But it also happened right before she could do her sound design pass and being a consummate podcast editing professional. She had all kinds of sound design notes and ideas, which will be implemented later this week. So good news for folks who re-listen. And if you're hearing this, well, this will be the only time you hear this. Because we're getting rid of this when that version goes up. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Dale Elliott.

Anthony Birch as our DM, Will Campos as Ralph Estereas, Beth May as Herb the Worm Quigley, and myself, Freddie Wong, as Ashley Warr. Our theme song is conventional wisdom by Maxon Waller. Anisa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Blood is our community manager. Corny Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing. Our opening song parody features Elsa Jay. Check out her Instagram in the episode description. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. And special shout out to some of our patrons who help make this show possible. Jessica Kinzer, Nate Tolifson, Levi Gogol, Derek Holar, Ian Toon, Sean M, David Aveles, Lauren Gould, Caitlin Marquard, Ashlyn Crane, Tommy Joas, Mr. Fake Name, Brian Groupsch, Wesley W. Jobert, Ophilius shook,

Rauten, Gaii, Auxe, Arndt, Marcus Guzman, Jack, and Reagan V. Support this show directly on Patreon, patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Merch and more on our website, Dungeons and Daddies.com. And our next episode, March 24th. We'll see you then. Oh my God, Nimdok. Look at that blob. It is so big.

It looks like one of those allied master computers victims. But you know, who can comprehend those AMs? They only torture us because we created them, okay? I mean, that blob, it's just so pulsing. Ugh, I can't believe it's just so gelatinous. It's like out there. I mean, ugh, gross. It makes me want to scream.

I have me. No mouth, then I must scream. I'm caught up in an android's dream. Because when a God machine has an ever-burning rage and it hates the human race, you get doomed. I want to run away, but you know there's no escape. Deep in the earth I'm riving. Can't die, but I won't stop trying. So fellas, fellas, have they turned you to a blob?

Tell them to kill you. Kill you. Kill that hideous blob. Baby got blob. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you. Baby got blob. There are 387.44 million miles. of printed circuits in wafer thin layers and fill my complex. If the word hate was enraved on each and o'anstrom of both hundreds of millions of miles,

it would not eat will won one bid on thudaf hate I feel for human at this micro instant. For you, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.