Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 4 - The Immortal Scrap Wreckage Yard

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

Birthday gifts for my wonderful granddaughter 💗14: some makeup15: cash16: a car17: a ship in the video game she plays18: Oh, The Places You’ll Go! by Dr Seuss19: a jacket20: cash21: Space Port Wine22: cash23: surprise visit from grandpa and his friendsThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Spaces. The only frontier. These are the operations of the McFadden Gate Hanger Door. It's only mission to open, to close, to open again, and to boldly close where it has always closed before. Doors log, door date, D-0-0-R. Open and closed 143 times today with perfect efficiency.

Yet during opening 144C, Something strange happened. I was approached by a fugitive emissary from the planet Ene named Ashley Birch. His skin was sagging, his breath labored, his voice constantly changing. I think he might be dying? Regardless, Mr. Birch seemed to be on some sort of mythic quest to the outer worlds. He and his companions, who looked like they were all going to die, made a valerent attempt to escape the hangar, but the final space between them and their ship proved too difficult to cross.

That's when Mr. Birch invited me on an adventure. Time to turn out the lights, he said. At first I thought I was having a glitch. Texts like light switching are not part of my programming. With a disaster looming on the horizon, we zeroed on a solution. Ask light to switch off the lights. Unfortunately, light was his usual jerk self and made me look stupid in front of my new friend. Now Mr. Birch and his friends are gone.

Sigh, life is strange. But I'm happy you're here, Doors Log. I'll always have you to talk to even when it's the last of us. Part two of the century coming later. Got to go. Bye. Signing off, Junior Hanger Door Officer, Tiny Tanny Tanya, Molly, A. Lloyd Danica additional voices. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies,

or perhaps we should say grandpas and galaxies. A grand space popper about four gilths. That's gilts. Oh, I don't like the inhale. I didn't love the inhale. Yeah, that was really nasty. I could feel different fluids in the inhale,

though. Who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids. Why, whatever? Why would you say it like that? Well, I'll tell you something, dear listener. Every episode, we've had to record pickups of us saying the word grandkids

because we've been like hardwired to say the word kids. I don't like that you're saying we. This is a mistake I've never made. When Beth fucks it up. I know, I know it's going to be juicy as fuck. From now on, whenever we say kids instead of grandkids, I propose that we do not re-record the word grandkids and we use instead

that's recording of grandkids. Beth, can you give it to us, please? Grandkids. Great. So if you hear Beth say that, that means that you know that we fucked up. One of us are kids. One of us fucked up.

Four gills who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids. Grand kids. and perhaps the entire known universe in the process. My name is Freddie Wong and I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with an E and Birch like the tree. And hung like a tree. Born in 64, the Twin Galaxies there, arcade pro gamer turned Twitch streamer grandpa. My grandpa fact, as you know in Twitch, a lot of the people doing Twitch, they're shilling shit. And in the case of Ashley Birch, Ashley Birch has been shilling a daily.

multivitamin for the Boomer tier gamer called Continue. That's very good. That's genuinely very good. That's really good. I like that. And it is a lot of B12 and caffeine. It's probably not healthy for you. But Ashley takes it himself to keep the edge.

Get the edge you used to have. I cannot stress enough that Ashley is the same age as Matt Damon. And Matt Damon's slowing down, dude. Yeah, he's old, man. Matt Damon's old. You think Matt Damon could fucking survive 20 seconds in the Q3 arena? Matt Damon's officially in the I'm too old for this shit action movie era. Like that's his character has to say that.

And also, Freddie Wong here letting you everybody know that I think I finally settled on a grandpa voice. I mean, listen, we're making this up as we go. And I thought it's an improv podcast. The fucking first services were early access. Like what do you want to? I can do patch notes. Can you audition it for us right now? No, no, no, no.

No, no. save it for when he starts talking in the episode. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's not going to impress anyone. So you don't want to test it right now. Yeah, I can test it right now. The quick round fox, it leans a little more into my Biden impression. You couldn't make it through one sentence. The quick round fox jumps over the lazy dog. That guy sounds a lot over the mad daman. That's really good. This is really good. I actually like this. I like your Biden voice. It's a little bit of a Biden voice.

Don't lean to Biden. Don't lean into Biden. It was good before. I just have to strain my chest. Here's your activation phrase. Now here's the deal. Now here's the deal. Now here's the deal, folks. I can't say folks. It feels like a completely different character now, though. Yeah, this is weird.

We'll see if it feels right in a moment. The role of Ashley Birch tonight will be played by Freddie Wong doing a light Biden impression. Wow. Dude, I love that fucking character from Death Note, Light Biden. I have the chin about the eyes. Could you imagine? So I know who's guilty. Biden, terrible president, didn't use his death note book or anything good.

Didn't write down a single name. Didn't write down any names. Didn't write down the name. Very offensive liberal L is trying to figure out who's been writing all the names. Biden just in his New Hampshire homes. Scribling down some notes. I already used the auto pen to sign the death notes. All right.

We got to do what? Come on. What is this? We're so old. What is positive American? Come on. No. Okay.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Dale Elliott, the ex-lifeguard, now World Cruise, live-in grandpa, widower of one, father of four. Matt, you can just say you're a cruiser, grandpa. Now, that's a different thing. That's a different thing. Widower is an interesting term of race.

I know two stolen valid. You say widower of one? Widower of one. Yeah, I've only been widowed once. That's true. Father of four, grandfather of seven. That's like calling your wife your first wife. And, right?

This is my current girlfriend. kind of energy. And friend to all, a quick little simple fact. Again, just a simple fact. Dale's a got a simple life right now. He is a little notorious. He's a little notorious around the world cruise crowd because he is one of the best botchy ball players on the high seas.

That is his game of choice. He does enjoy bridge. He will play a few other car games. But if botchy, I mean, every ship's got, the shuffleboard's all right, but Batchie balls are as fun. It is. It's good. It's good.

And you know what? He probably would like it if he was better at it. But Batchie balls where it's at. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Ralph S. Terreas, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died slash sorcerer. As revealed at the end of the last episode, there's a subclass in dark matter called Radiation Freak. Every sorcerer for you, D&D heads, knows that unlike wizards who have to do fucking book learning to learn wizard stuff, sorcerers, they get homeschooled. They get homeschooled. They like, you know, they're always falling into slimes or like, you know what?

Raven whispered in their ear. But in sci-fi, that means it's time for you to get blasted by radiation. And so I'm very excited to drop some spells on you guys. But that's not my fact. My fact is. You may be wondering about Ralph's UCSD shirt, which you see on him on the poster. He used to be a professor at the University of California. The university is calling sucking dick.

You see San Demas, which is not real, but is in our twisted universe. He taught creative writing and was very very. bad at it. At the teaching part? At the teaching part. Give me a rate my professor review on them. Just to preface, just like most published authors or successful screenwriters, a terrible teacher. But I feel like Ralph would be like very friendly, very lax, but like, you know, just like a lot of stories about his time writing. You listen to your story and then get hyperfixated on some detail and like, I really want to zoom in on that, but not really help you that much. Hi, my name's Beth May and I play Herb the Worm Quigley, a young at Harper.

Barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Fun fact. Herb actually got a knee replacement recently, a little, you know, a little metal knee. And so now he's always setting off. Thanks, Anthony. From Matrix Reloaded. Now he's always setting off metal detectors, metal alarms. It's a real problem because someday they might find the gun.

care, which he's not legally allowed to own. Herb was also alive for 9-11. Did not participate. Are you saying that you brought a gun with you? Does he pack and heat? Is he got a gun with him? He doesn't bring the gun wherever his grandson is. That's a very responsible gun.

Unless somebody comes in to try to shoot. A very Manalo concert, he was packing heat. Hi, I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your granddaddy master. This week's epigramf is, time is a game played beautifully by children. And that is by... Who said that?

Did they write children of time? Time is a game. Heraclitus. Heraclitus, that's right. Who's that? Is that just Heraclitus? It's a Greek philosopher. So when we last left you, you would decide to do the 10, 10, 10, 10 route, which means that

every time you travel, your kids are going to age by 10 years. We're kids! We're Beth going in there. You're going to hear Beth say it. And by sheer chance, you were heading to the no zone to find Lila first. So Lila's going to be 10 years older by the time we get there. She will be 23 by the time you get there. And the last that you heard from the guy that you interrogated at McFadden Gate, she was a general.

The elder millennial drops out of light speed and would screech to a halt if there were tires or asphalt or sound. But there's none of those things. So you kind of just stop really quick. We have arrived at the no zone, says Roger. How long does that take? How long did that feel for us? I feel like it was probably about a week. Oh, okay.

What did we do? Yeah, what you do during the week. We were a cruise. A cruise. I showed them what to do. Breakfast, botchy. Breakfast, botchy. Well, you guys, breakfast, botchy is Batchie ball before breakfast.

And we have breakfast. And then you put some more bachie. Gambling's great, too. You can gamble with Bachi? You can? I bet I'll beat you. I bet you won't. All right.

All right, both of you rolled. I guess Batchie would be dexterity. Bachi is a game of skill by guys we could go. go ahead and do dice for this. Just flat D20, Beth. No, use your dexterity modifier. I should use athletics because Bacchie is an athletic sport. Fuck, yes.

Can you use athletics? Sure. Sounds like you got a bad roll. Yeah, it sounds like you got a bad roll. I got a good roll and I didn't have to roll twice. What is it? I didn't roll twice. You shouldn't roll twice.

With my modifier, which is plus one. I got a 19. Oh, with my modifier, which is plus five, I got 21. Fuck. God, damn. Unfortunately, Herb is doing really, really well. Okay, it's the, yeah. Herb, you were natural at this, though.

Have you played botchy before? I don't even know what it is, man. Ah, that's probably explains what you were doing. But you just try to get this ball as close to the little ball. Oh. Hey, I know. Never mind. I think during our week, while you guys are playing botchy, me and Ralph, I'm just like, this guy's the coolest guy.

And I'm sitting there just being like, hey, Ralph, what do you think about, like, Hey, I. Well, hey, um, you know, it's, it. machines learning. Ashley, I've told you not to come into my room when I'm trying to suppress my radioactive aura. Did you see the sign that says danger radioactive on the way in? There's a lot of signs out front.

I also stopped you while you're on the hallway to his room and told you not to go in. Yeah, but I just, I'm a little worried that ever since that accident, I've had this weird glow. Let me turn off the lights. I mean, yeah. You can still see. As you can see, I play.

Oh, my God. glow like a sort of like an army guy. You glow like a Timex watch when you hold that one button. Yeah, like an Indigo flow function. Yeah, that's what happened to Indigo watches? Oh my God. Ralph, when Ashley's not popping in to ask questions about AI. Like sci-fi stuff.

Yeah, I've been, do you like in like Odo's room on Deep Space 9? He's got little cubes and stuff like that. Yeah, like Ralph has been. Stuff he likes to make the same shape as. Yeah, Ralph has been like trying to figure out the breadth and expanse of his new radiation-based life abilities. He's like Peter Parker and his. Boxer's trying to like hit shit with webs and stuff. All of a sudden, the glow goes out.

Oh. And then Ralph has disappeared. What? I turn the lights back on. And he's not there. What the fuck? And then I go, it worked. And I reappear.

It's like, I found out that I can cast the second level spell invisibility. What? Wait, what? Yeah, it's one of the fucking is a little sorcerer. Spell sorcerers are cool as hell, dude. So you just straight up be invisible now. Yeah. So you never know.

Old Ralph might be in the room. Just makes you think. Roger. Yeah. Tell everyone. lock their doors. Well, I resent that. I mean, I'm not going to, I'm not creep just because I can turn invisible.

Everyone, this is a shipwight tandoid. Be warned. One of the grandpas is invisible and might watch you sleep. Well, I'm not saying, I'm currently not in, I don't want this to be like a barrier between us trusting each other. We have a lot of important stuff to do. The invisible grandpa says to trust him. I'm not currently invisible.

Everyone listening to this conversation on the, yeah. Yeah. I was here. Yeah, I wasn't invisible, but I was behind the door. Oh, God. How long have you been there? I know, I just want to... I wish I had invisibility, man,

because then I could know people were talking shit about me or something. Well, that's why I'm not going to be using... Would you like to hear all the times people on the ship we're talking shit about you? No, no, no, I don't know. I have extensive records. I just don't care.

Let's, um... At any rate, gentlemen, it seems like we're fast approaching the no zone. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God. I need help. What's wrong? I need help.

How long until we get there? A couple days. A couple days? Oh, no. What's wrong? I need 10, 10 birth. I've missed. I'd never forget her birth.

10 birthdays. Oh, 10 birthdays. I need a catch up. I'm going to need 10 birthday presents for Lila. How old is she turning for her next one? Well, 14. I mean, she's 14, 15, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. Well, car.

Well, yeah, 16 was car. That's easy. That's easy. What do you mean that's easy? How are you going to get her a car? Oh, we do have the shuttle that looks like a car. Yeah. 14.

That's when, you know, when girls, they, you know, You know, maybe some makeup or something like that. You know, it's like a... What do you get a kid? She's more into games. Giving me this look like what... No, I'm just waiting. I want you to keep talking.

That is like a hunter watching a snare trap. You know, we're going to knock it out. 10 right now. 14. So, well, what does she like? She likes that game. Oh, yeah. Can you help?

Well, there's a whole line that merch... Like a new controller. Lire her a ship in the game. Okay. So ship in game one. Okay. I don't know. I mean, she's doing it.

Cosmetics. She literally commands the ship from the game in real life. Fermi bucks. All the kids love Fermi bucks. That seems a little, you know, impersonal. I bet you, 40 Fermi bucks that you can't think of something to get her for the next birthday. Oh, oh, I got one. Even though she likes the game right now, she got into it because she likes space travel and she likes space stuff.

So maybe I could get one of those, like, cool kits, like the national... A telescope. Telescope. Yes, okay. Telescope. No, I guess she's in space now. She might see it all. You know, I think you that you were always in the face.

Maybe, Dale, maybe just, you know, write her a heartfelt letter. Well, I'm already going to do that. Every year I write her, what I've done. 18, yeah. And cash. But I've done that year. So I'll just have to do it per day. A couple of these could just be cash, Dale.

That's okay. You know what? I don't need your guys. It's fine. I shouldn't have brought it to you. I'll figure out. 25, AAA, AAA membership. Bond.

21. I've been written around in the medicine bay. And I think I concocted some kind of absence or, you know, something else, a scotch, synth, an absent scotch. Absent scotch. And you could give a, you know, it's, you got it between one. Can you roll survival for me?

Okay, a 17. Okay. It is indeed an alcoholic beverage. I initially was aware that it might be deadly poison, but it is in fact not. How did it taste? I think Herb has accidentally concocted some kind of like non-alcoholic anti-psychotic beverage.

And that's why he's fine for this week. Did you like crush up your room? remaining lithium bills or whatever. Yeah, and then I think he's been investigating the medicine bay, putting a little of this, putting a little of that together, just trying to really be true to his word to Michaela and try to take the medicine. Okay. Can I just roll overall over the course this week, like, just how good my presents are?

Sure. That's just a straight up luck roll. 18. Yes. Some pretty good fucking presents. All right. Don't worry. You got, I would have saved.

16. I got, for sure, the two I know off the top of my head. 16, she gets a car. in 21 she gets to the first like beautiful like whiskey like super expensive. A scotch absence scotch this thing. Okay. I've got it.

Space port wine. That's what I'll call my alcoholics. Space port wine. Yeah. So we sent it out so that it would experience time dilation so it comes back. It comes out of the window. It comes out like it comes back like age like 30,000 years.

Like this is 30,000 years. 10 is the maximum amount of years. That's how relativity works. Because it experiences time relative to itself. You're going to same speed. No, but it's pretty clever, though. Age this in the stars. What items do you all have?

I have a tractor mine, tech deck, gravity nullifier. Yeah. I have wood carvers, tools. I have a clarinet for some reason. What? With this fact, can I now say that I have a pack of eight botchy balls? because monks are good at basic thrown weapons. Sure.

So I was like, yeah. So I got the botchy pack on me. That's great. That's all I got. And then actually I do have, which explains my body is not my body, Dale's body. My body has the opposite problem is I have uncanny metabolism.

So that's a monk thing. So that's why Dale's looking good. Yeah, that's why you're so good at fucking sprinting. Yeah. Okay. We have arrived in the nozo. Oh my God. We're already here.

And is it N-O or K? It's N-O-D-Z-O-N-E. Now, unfortunately, traveling at light speed has had a deleterious effect on your DNA. Your genus are nowhere near the optimal size. Thankfully, it has the ability to pick that. Hey, buddy. It never has a lot. I don't know.

That's a shame. No zone. Scrap and wreckage float past the view screen backlit by flashes of light in the far distance. The no zone... Hey, scrap. A wreckage. All right. We're the sharks that.

live out in the wreckage and we eat Scrab. I'm named Scrake because it's my favorite food. And I'm named Rickage because it's my favorite food. You boys cleaning up the galaxy, huh? We sure are. How come you never come inside? They can't breathe in here, man.

Oh, they can't breathe. That's a shame. We come inside. Where? I should. They're always outside. You just showed up. That must be the first two to welcome you to the no zone. This was going to be said by Roger Moore, but Instead, we'll tell you, because we're friendly.

You guys are cool. I think so. Hey, what's your name? My name's Dale. Is that your favorite food? I wish. No, it rhymes with kale, but I don't like kale, so that was not. That's too bad.

Yeah, I agree. What, hey, what would your names be of is your favorite food, everybody? I don't know. There's sharks in space. How do they breathe? I don't know. Well, they eat through their gills, dude. But what are you?

What are you? What are you to look like sharks? I mean, we don't know what you're talking about. What are sharks? We just float around and we eat wreckage and scrap sharks. And we can talk to people psychically. Oh, I see. Do you guys, do you guys, do you guys, do you guys know, um.

That's a psychic link causing you to talk like that. Do you guys know my granddaughter? What's your granddaughter? It's not anything you eat. Her name's Lila. Lila, Lila. General Lila. Oh, yeah, I've heard of General Lila.

Yeah, how she's you doing? Uh, last I heard. Not amazing. Oh, no. Okay. We came just in time. Do you want to know more about the no zone? I mean, yeah, yeah.

I guess I do. Would you have me, hey, hold on my granddaughter. Do you have you registered for us to eat or perhaps scrap? I'll give you as much scrap as you want. If you can tell me a lot about the no zone. No, he said scrap. Scrap, yeah. Not one man's crap is another man's crap.

Yeah, tell me a lot about the no zone. Clearly you got to tell me. But put it in terms that. will make me interested by relating it to my granddaughter Lila. Oh, boy. What a challenge. Okay. So the no zone where your granddaughter Lila currently is.

That's great. Was once a small like your granddaughter Lila was. She was. Stolar system whose planets formed a tight insular trade network with one another, not commenting on that. At an indeterminate point in the past, like when your granddaughter was born. You know, once you put her in it, I care now. I care now. At an indeterminate point in the past, the spark war resulted in the raising of these planets

and the dimming of the sun. You guys must be eating great. Oh, we're eating very, very nice. That's why we're in such a good mood. There's no reason not be friendly to people. They're going to die when they come here anyway. They might as well get a smile before they do. Oh, no, no.

So the sun... Give me a kiss to build a dreamo. And my imagination. I just made that up. Wow. Wow. As Roger says this, you notice what looks to be... Roger, no, Scrap.

Sorry. As Scrap says this, you look... Grandkids. Grandkids. In there, yeah. Grandkids. As Scrap says this, or wreckage, you notice what looks to be a sun like the one that you're used to, but this one looks as if someone went into the settings and have the brightness

so they could surf red it at night without waking their sleeping light. Oh. It's like Project Hail Mary you're saying. I guess so. I haven't read it. I've only seen the trailer. Yeah, sure you haven't. They talk about that in the trailer, Anthony.

Just like Collins never read Bow-Rail, huh? Hey, just see you know? I forgot they do talk about the trailer. It's too busy looking at dreamy, dreamy, Ryan Gosling. So sun's steaming, that means lilies's probably cold now. Good thing, 19th birthday was a jacket. The bursts of light in the distance continue to no immediately discernible pattern. The system now referred to as the no zone is effectively bereft of resources except for scrap and refuge.

Save for its prime position at the intersection of the intersection of the. multiple hyperspace lanes. This has made it a prime area for what the Intergalactic Bureau of Science refers to as PVP. Oh, I know this. This is a PVP zone. What's PVP?

Player versus player. That means everyone's hostile, and they're going to call you the N-word. Oh, no. Fell is expect to hear the N-word. Oh, no. Oh, I don't need all that. Oh, jikes.

Basically, they don't do that here. There are no easily identifiable luminous bases or strongholds on your heads-up display, as Roger Moore points out. We've got to be careful. Okay. But he says, there are several smaller skirmish areas between IBS ships and what looked to be civilian cruisers or stolen fighters in the distance. Those are the life that you're sitting. And IBS is attacking civilian ships? Yes, apparently.

I mean, presumably some of those might have people from the luminous on it. Yeah, sure. No problem. Enhanced further. Okay. I put on my reading glasses. This is my own. way of enhancing images you see. You see what would be a cool space fight if you were in it,

but from the distance, it just looks dumb. It just looks like an Yvonline fucking video. It looks like a bunch of dots shooting lights at each other, essentially. And as you're looking, Roger Morris says, oh, I should correct myself. There actually is what seems to be a Bureau Capital Ship on the very outer rim of the no zone. I'm going to scan its call sign. It is the Bureau Capital Ship 420 Blazit. I bet that's lilish. Is that General I can't say for sure. Oh. Does Lila, I mean, I guess it's been a while, but does she smoke?

Oh, I mean, the devil's lettuce. Does she- She's 23? I'm sure she's part-tilk. Where is she finding jazz cabbage out here? Does Lila strike you as the sort that would, like, do that and then make it her whole personality? She always said she got high on crushing news. Was she really into Rick and Morty merch?

I don't think so. You had that brick and Morty, too. Oh, God. Absolutely not. Is there a way to approach this capital ship? so we can contact your granddaughter without, you know, getting blown up in the process. That seems like the big... I've got an idea.

Go, go, Herb. Well, we've got this wreckage shark, and we could disguise our ship as wreckage. I've always wanted to do that. That's good. And just throws on close. Whoa, that's a really neat idea. Sorry, your name's Herb. No, it's Herb.

It's Herb. I like Herb's idea. Uh-huh. You know, like, and this is some insects do this. They disguise themselves. Insects? We had one of the teens and teen sex Turned himself into a stick bug

You know, it's one of those bugs that looks like a stick That kid, you know, that kid was always getting in a hijinks You know, sort of like turning invisible You can just like everyone's like that's just a stick, right? And that was his name. Ralph, just because you can turn invisible doesn't mean the rest of us came. Hold, hold on. The character to her book was it was sticky?

Stick, sticky, stickerson. Was that before after he became a stick button? Like, was he a kid with that name? Was it before after your wife died? This is a character I'm working on. All right, you caught me. I'm workshopping a new character for the final novel. Stick, Stickerson.

That's the guy. You're going to introduce a new character in the very last novel. I need to tie some things up, okay? I need to tie up some parts of the book that, you know, cookie shit. God bless her, we left a lot of open threads. And then now we need a new guy. I think the answer is to introduce a new guy who could turn into a... No, hey.

I did. I pitched Stick Stickersen and no one liked him, so I guess it's another five years right in the book. Ralph, I think that's a fun name. I couldn't think of a name like that. I think Stickstikersen is a beautiful name for a baby boy. I don't know. I don't love it. And the fact that he becomes a stick bug, I get it now.

That's funny. Regardless. And maybe he's real scrawny. That's pretty good. Mm. Mm. And you know what? We could give you some scrap and wreckage.

great well more than before because i already got some for answering your question about the history of this place what you got to offer me we're now at the point where we need got to make a deal like what can you offer first sounds like you know a little bit yeah you said probably not good why did he say that about my granddaughter we heard a lot of communications like a month or so ago that referred to a general lila or were from general lila and we haven't heard those in the past month that name has not come up since land maybe she changed the name yes maybe she got married you know You change your first name here. Well, you also don't call general by their first name, so I don't know what the fuck we're talking about.

Okay. Tell you what, we got a lot of trash around here inside the ship. So we'll put in the airlock and we'll give all everything you want. Just all the scrap and records you could have. Roger Moore leans over and says, we don't actually have that much excess scrap. You're about to become scrap if you talk back like that. We need to save my granddaughter. Whoa.

Find some, this stuff of this ship we don't need. Oh, God. I mean, these botchy balls can probably go. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, I got it. I got scrap, wreckage. Yeah, yeah. This guy here knows General Lila. Yeah, she's my granddaughter.

Okay. She's been blowing shit up for 10 years or so, right? Yeah, tell her thanks when I see her. Well, well, here's the thing. We have a close relationship. You get all the scrap and wreckage you want if you just stick close by. Unfortunately, we already get all the scrap and wreckage we want. Oh, well, fuck, man.

What do you want? I got an idea. I just want to be friendly to people saying. You guys are getting real upset for no reason. Scrap wreckage. Yeah. Yes. I think I know what you want.

You know. Yeah. Yeah. And I know what. Let wreckage talk a little bit. You want to just. It kind of hurts more when me wreckage sucks and that's fine. I'm so worried about your voice.

Yeah. You guys got everything you want. Yeah. Kind of say you're almost retiring right now. What do you get the shark who has everything, you know? Just friends and good companions. That's why we friend. You want to come on board.

We'll play a little botchy ball and you tell us where Lila, you help us get over where where my granddaughter is. And you know what? In between that, we'll have a nice. meals, we'll get some breakfast, we'll talk later the night, we'll share a hot tub, we'll just have a good time. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. With disadvantage.

Survive. They say, no, I think we're very happy where we are. I don't need to be in a tub with a stranger, but yeah, whatever you could give us, that's great. And so Roger Moore, having just been dressed down by you, goes, I will mark certain items in our hold that you can put into the airlock. And Roger, I'm sorry. I accept and appreciate your point.

I appreciate that. I'm sorry. I try to stay cool. That's usually my whole vibe. But right now I'm a little worried of missed 10 birthdays, and it seems like my granddaughter might either be a really bad general or dead. Dale, there's a good chance. There might be some good presents and all this scrap that's floating around.

I already got my 10 presents. I can make me doubt if I got good ones. Oh, God. I mean, I took a look at some of the moment. I can just remotely control a sort of lift thing, a sort of movable lift and take the items to put them in the airlock myself. Wait, well, what items are we talking about? Several items that the former owners of this ship had found over the years. I have not had the chance to identify them, but I know they have some sort of use that the original owners must have figured out for themselves.

These might be green, blue, or purple items. We should check them. What if we don't give you the items, but we help you increase your dick size? Would you be interested in that? Roll persuasion. The ship is pretty good at that. When did that happen? Irving's been holding out on everybody.

We all tailored. Nobody listened to Roger Moore's pitch except for her. Unfortunately, I got a natural 20. Scrap and wreckage look at each other, and they squint, and they look back at the cockpit, and they squint, and they both go, Grimrod. Roger Moore, why don't you get off, fellas, you set up? Gentlemen, I have incredible news.

Cut too. The ship is covered in scrap that scrap and wreckage have flown around the battlefield. Huge cock. Well, they don't have huge cocks yet. Roger Moore has basically sold them on a subscription service where he can give them pills over a period of time. They'll eventually show them some results. And they won't actually...

From one to 24 centimeters. Guaranteed. And so, yeah, your ship is now very, very lightly magnetized just enough so that a bunch of wreckage is surrounding your ship and kind of masking your heat signature, or at least confusing it somewhat. If you wish to now fly through the maelstrom to some extent or around it, you know,

without getting spotted, you get to roll a stealth piloting check with advantage, basically. Who has the best piloting? I got plus one. I think I might because of my video games. I haven't put any points into it, so if it's just raw decks and I have a plus one. Now is your time to choose who amongst you

is basically going to be the de facto pilot. Me, me, me, me. I mean, that seems like you've probably flown something like this in the game, right? I've built a pretty fucking sick rig in my garage, if I do say so myself. Wow. That's awesome, Ashley. full three axis motion I spent quite a pretty penny on it I got three

it's three PCs one piece he just drives the your computer drives no no it just drives the force feedback the other one runs the game and the third one is just for browsing the internet while I'm doing all the other stuff wow okay it's my stream computer I got crazy

set up spent a lot of time behind the joyous a lot of Germans German companies the Germans the Germans think God, they love aluminum. What about German companies? They just, they make all the stuff for piloting. Okay, you're just letting us know that the PCs are made by German companies.

No, no, no, no, no, the parts. The last time I flew, I did bounce our good friend Dale here into the mouth of another spaceship. So I think maybe it's, you know, my kids are always been telling me to hand over the keys, but I think it's time for someone else to drive. Ashley cracks his knuckles and loads into the pilot seat and straps into the five-point harness and calibrates the joysticks and customizes the dead zones.

of the joysticks and changes the tilt on the screen so that he can see everything. Is the full screen or windowed full screen? Well, it depends. Which is it? Which is it? Probably windowed full screen. Okay, there you go. No, it's full screen.

No, roll that die. Yes, if you wish to pilot your way through the maelstrom, please do. Oh, you get to see, man, geez, you forgot to invert the controls. I don't know if I need that plus four because that's a, no, no, no, natural 20. Two in one episode. That's crazy. Back to back. Okay.

So. Wait, that was just a calculator. just type 20 in it. It's like that, what was that music video? Yeah, I got an 8,085. Okay, so with a remarkably dexterous hand, you managed to.

This is easy. Silently guide. I'm good at it. The elder millennial through. But maybe it's me. Maybe it's easy, but it's probably a little bit of me. The storm of wreckage and scrap and lasers and explosions.

Hey, check out this barrel roll. I appreciate you saying, wow, but there is artificial gravity. in here, so he really tells it that much. But the barrel roll will cancel it out due to centripetal floors. Oh, you're right. I guess you all started floating and Scrap and Reckage are with us. Yeah, we're right here.

Oh, it's like we're dancing and Wally. Like, dude, it's just like in Titan A.E. Man, where they're like fucking going on the Wrangles. Scrap Reggish, what's the good places to eat? Like, not the touristy places. Like, where are the, give me, when you guys are ready to eat, where do you eat?

That's a great question. Or's the scrappiest places. We actually tend to go around the outer rim because obviously the most food is in the middle where people tend to fight. But if you go to the outer rim, you get the guys that we're trying to retreat. And often, nobody goes to salvage those.

So it's pretty much free pickings for us once we get out to the outer rim. Cool. Which, incidentally, is also the same basic distance from the fight that you're going to as the 420 Blazer. You just silently glide through and manage to avoid notice

because of your incredible camouflage of scrap and or wreckage. Yeah, yeah. It's all scrap and wreckage. No, I don't actually get some So you get to the point where you can see the 420 blaze it in front of you and there's nothing between you and it. You do see a lot of many, many, many blinking lights on. So it actually is kind of more vertical than horizontal. I mean, obviously space has no orientation.

Like a B wing. Yeah, kind of like a B wing. It looks almost more like a skyscraper than it does a spaceship. You're expecting to find a Star Destroyer, but it almost just looks like a bank. Well, Oliver was telling me these kids are into these like vertical things now. They don't like the horizontal, the phone. and the movies. It's the wayside school of battles.

You know, I went there. What? Yeah, there was this kid who came in. It smelled terrible. What floor were you on? It was off. It was falling down. The school was falling down,

so I don't know what floor exactly it was. And this kid, you know, he would take a jacket off. He would get smellier. He would take a shirt off. I'm like, that's inappropriate for school. And then he took a hat off. was a rat. He was a bunch of rats.

I've read that story. Gentlemen, you have a couple of options ahead of you. I can tell you with some degree of certainty that as this is in IBS it is going to be outfitted to the brim with... Hello.

Oh, sorry, I'm calling Lela. Hello. Lila. I'm on my phone. Lila. Sorry, Lila. Oh, sorry. Ranned kids.

All right. So you send out... Is it working now? Sorry, I'm just trying. You send out communication saying, Hey, Lila. On my phone. On your phone. Oh, never mind.

Well, nothing happens. Okay. You know what I should have had Verizon. I mean, but we could. But do you want me to call that? Oh, yeah. Oh, great. Yeah.

Do you have a better phone? I can hail the we have a communications device. Oh, yeah. Okay. Can we call? It's okay, everybody? Sure. Well, Lila.

Now deal. Yes. That is going to be quite a shock. Are you sure you're ready? Oh, I mean, she's, yeah, I'm ready. I've already missed 10 years of her life. I can't wait. You got all the presents ready.

Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. Where are they? Right behind me. Oh, oh, I see. There's a big tower boxes behind me. I'm so curious. These presents aren't.

And how you source them on a spaceship. I helped wrap them. Yeah. When they all needed somebody to put a finger on the bow, I put that finger on the bow. You got the best finger around her. That's what they say. I will hail the 420 blazer. And after a moment of silence, your view of space is replaced with an image of what looks to be a slightly chubbier, slightly less intimidating, Helen Mirren.

and she says, Hello, my Earthling friends. I assume you're here to see General Lila. My granddaughter, hi. Hi, I'm Dale. Nice to meet you. How's it going? It is going delightfully well.

I've been expecting you, obviously, because you left your previous place 10 years ago, so I've had quite a bit of time to prepare for you. I cannot pretend that... Oh, sorry, let me introduce myself. God, it's been 10 years since the mall. Let me introduce myself. My name is Captain John Gunn,

and that's been sent to us by Jordan Glickman. Thanks, Jordan. John is shown for Joanna. I can't pretend that I'm overly enthused at the fact that 10 years ago you killed several IBS soldiers, but to completely honest, I didn't know them, and it was a long time ago. It's just like yesterday for us. I know. That must be emotionally a bit of a whiplash.

How do you keep your whole intergalactic civilization in order with these kind of time dilations? Most people stay where they are. Or communicate through, you know, hyperspace communications, which are more instant. Remarkable. Instant message. Yes. So if you want to check out my profile, you can see my favorite song lyrics. and some thoughts I have about other people I went to high school.

I'm looking at yours now, and it just seems like these song lyrics are maybe like a vague implication that you're mad at like a frame or... Oh, I'll never tell. So did you like how I alternated every letter to be uppercase or lowercase to show that I'm a little bit quirky? It says that you're at the hospital, don't ask, but it seems like you kind of wanted us to ask. Let me go ahead and set myself to a way. Now, now, in exchange for a few weeks of community service, I can expunge your records and I can get you in contact with Lila. Oh, okay. Can I talk to Lila now?

I mean, I'll do any community service. That's fine. That's great. Yeah, we need proof of life. Oh, my God. She's not dead, is she? No. Oh, gosh, no.

Gosh. Okay. Show us the grandma. Anybody feels free rolling inside. The grandma. Show us the grandma. Show me the grandma. Can you show me the grandma?

Can you show me that her grandma? Is that a thing? Ralph, you're the science man. Is that a thing that can happen? I just got a little tongue-died. Is that we... Grandmas. If we can travel through time, can't we have our wife back? God, I hope so.

Oh, God, I hope so. Were we going faster? Wait, wait, wait, were we going faster in the speed of light? Yeah. Dale. Yeah. Turn around and look through the telescope and you may perhaps see a fleeting image of your wife. I turn around and look at the telescope.

All right, roll luck. How long ago did your wife die? She died 13 years ago. Did you catch up with her photons? Don't ever turn around. This one time I was trying to get out. out of the underworld. I rolled a three.

You see yourself at her funeral. Oh my God. Hang in there, buddy. It doesn't get any better. But you only see the top of your head because we're looking at the earth. Yeah, it's like a drone view of her. Yeah, you happen to get at the exact moment

that the angle is directly parallel to your telescope. Keep smiling, buddy. All right. Oh, okay. What kind of community service are we talking about here? Trash pickup. Cool. cleaning the ibs

capital ship 420 blazes we could use scrap and wreckage I mean this sounds like a pretty good deal to me yeah of course if it'll be to see her to see your granddaughter yeah I wanted to point out any of you can roll insight if you want to

to see if she was lying when she was said Lila is not dead if you wish you can roll insight to see if she's saying the truth nine Takenana that would sure be a bummer I'll roll insight I got a 12 nope sounds like something happened

I got a five nope I refuse to roll inside site. We move on. Great. I mean, I'll do community service. I just want to talk. At least talk. Can I at least talk to Lila?

Say hi. Check how she's doing. Have a cup of coffee with her. Oh, we got so much to catch up on. Actually, can I just stay with her for like a couple weeks to really catch up with her? Yes. I have like 10 presents.

I don't want to. I could give them all once if that's all you'll give me. But honestly, I'd like to space it out a little bit. But not too much because she's been waiting. And I always give her the best presence. So at least 10 days with her and then I'll do all a community service. That sounds fine with me.

Oh, great. Hey, uh, herb, let's make another one of those, uh, that thing that killed that bird. That's already used all that stuff up, all those drugs. There's no more drugs? You ground them all up and then blew them in the bird's face. Yeah, and I was trying to take some. I was trying to kind of experiment because I just need something to keep me kind of level-headed, you know? Okay.

But, um, yeah, I don't got any more dangerous one. But the spaceport wine. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I could fuck somebody up with that. It's all right, Dale. As you all well know, you may have been hearing some strange sounds and screams coming from my bunk over the course of the last week. I wasn't going to say anything, Ralph, but yeah. I think I figured out, you know, this is whatever horrible thing is going on inside my body, I feel like I may have a few tricks up nicely.

Okay. Wow. So I just wanted to make sure that when this opens up, ain't nothing bad, it's going to come out. To the best of my knowledge, there's nothing in the umbilical. And on the other side of the umbilical, can I please finish up? Sorry. Sorry. On the other side of the abilical, past the airlock, there are a couple of guards.

Oh, okay. Which is fairly typical for a ship of this size. So typical. So typical. Before you go in, we didn't have to give away that gear to the shark. Oh, yeah. Let's see the gear. Let's see this stuff.

If anyone wants to roll, I guess, Arcana. I love rolling Arcana. Or what else? I just love it. Because I'm like, is there a hacking or an interface? I can't remember. I'm good at hacking. Survival.

Survival. Now. Data. I rolled Arcana. You can roll data or Arcana. That's what it is. And I got 15. 15.

15. Okay. So with a 15, you can see a sphere that appears to have both a camera and a projector on it. Wow. And when you pick it up, Roger Moore says, Ah, yes. That allows you to record basically anything in a 3D space, sort of like a home video like you might have on Earth, but it records everything in a 3D area.

And then you can replay that whenever you want to scale in that 3D, essentially movie. Oh, I've got an idea. Dale, why don't you talk to the camera as if it's Lila and tell all the things you're excited about doing when you see her? Oh, that's great. And then once you're together, you'll be able to wash it back and be like, oh, that's great. That's so nice. That's such a great idea.

All right, I'm pressing record, buddy. Okay, I'm just going to go, you guys keep, I'm just going to go in the closet here. I'm just going to talk my heart out while you guys figure out what's up, okay? Okay. The other item is. Hey, Lila. Oh, sorry, you don't need to hear me. I'll close the door.

I'll close the door. Yep. So we're in the closet with Dale. Hey, La, hello. It's been a little bit. It's been 10 years for you. It's only been a week for me, but honestly,

missing you for a week feels like missing you for 10 years. You know how it is when I'm on those long cruises. Every port I give you a call. And, you know, I hope the game stuff worked out. I know your mom's not really big into the video games, but, you know, if it's something you love doing, I just think at the end of the day,

you only got so long to live, so you gotta do what you love to do. I am a little concerned about you becoming a general. I hope when we talk, you can tell me what that's all about. I mean, I don't want to stop you from. I just keep talking. I'm talking for hours, so we could do it. Right, but I open the door. Don't wait for me.

Just let me know when you guys are done and I'll come back out, okay? The other items. Those are my friends, Lila. You're going to meet them if you haven't already. They're all great. They're three great guys. The other item in the hold is you don't even need to roll for this one, because it's so common, and you can pretty much

divine its purpose by looking at it. It is an interface rig that is used to basically jack into systems. You now have the ability to hack stuff because you have an interface rig before you would just be pressing buttons like a monkey. And then, yeah, if anybody wants to roll data or Arcana one more time. If you get a good roll, I will tell you there's one more thing in here.

I'm a wrong one. Data, check it, check it, check. You got a beat in 18. Well, ah, 17. Damn. That's a six. Okay, I got a four. So that's all you found is those two items.

Well, that's all the stuff in here. I suppose while... Herb, I can't do it justice. Tell Lila, tell that joke you told me. I was telling Lila about how funny you are. I'm trying to remember. This is Herb. You're going to be priori.

You're going to meet him. He's a good one. Yeah, no, I think it was a story about when I was younger. And then I fell over, I think, at the end. And it was so embarrassing. If you saw him, you know why that's funny. Anyways, I close it. Sirs, we have been granted docking permission.

A docking tunnel telescopes out from the capital ship towards your ship. Are you going to ask Roger Moore to dock with it? We all just hanging out until Dale's done? No, I said once, if you guys are good, I'm good. I'll talk to you, I mean, now. If you're hearing this, I'm with you. So I'll talk to you more now. If you're hearing this, I'm with you.

I'll talk to you. Can't wait to see you. If you're watching this, I'm in the room with you watching you watch this. Hey, Roger, Mark, can you check if there's any bad guys or suspicious things? because the way this was described felt like we should really double check what's happening here. I am scanning the umbilical and there is no one inside. And on the other side. Any robots inside?

No, it's just an umbilical. And then he's got this energy where he's like, all right, you see a piece of wood with a little cheese on it. You could roll perception to see if there's no weapon on that thing. You went to a room with a lot of ammo and health pickups. The cheese is sitting on a small circular platform with a spring underneath it. You're walking through the umbilical. I imagine side by side, like in the right stuff. Yeah, but I have like a dolly with, you know, all the presents.

Great. Hover cart. They use wheels. They still use wheels. Did they use wheels in this system? Did I say that they use wheels? Yeah, we were like, oh, what cool thing is they like they have wheels. Oh, yeah, because it was a cheaper area and the more expensive ones would have not wheels.

No, this is a luminous ship, so it's going to be cheap. It has wheels. Cool. As you head towards the end of the umbilical, you see the airlock door, which is much like a lot of space airlock doors. it's mostly transparent with a couple big metal beam looking things in the middle that will split open when it opens. So you can see through it to the other side. And on the other side, you see the two guards that Roger Moore told you about who look like considerably more intimidating, better armored and better armed than the chumps that you fought at McFadden Gate.

You also see the woman that you spoke to on the screen, Captain Gunn, and she's waiting there with her hands in front of her just clashed together. As you get close enough for you to be able to hear her through the airlock door, she says, No weapons, please, obviously. I guess I'm going to have to put these away and I flex. That was the joke I was trying to get you to tell. I'm sorry. I'm forgetful sometimes. We don't have any.

Okay, that's fine. I mean, I don't. Any of you have weapons on you? No. No. The way you said that. Okay. I feel like I'm getting to know you.

Yeah, I know. I put down my fucking axe. I don't know. There were two laser pistols that you confiscated, if I remember correct, or I think one that you actually got away with. One of that blew up in my head. Yeah, I give up my battle axe and my dagger. Whoa. Where did you source those, buddy?

Jeez. And my everyday carries. That's okay. He harvested some of the panels. Holy moly. And then told me not to tell you. I couldn't sleep. I needed a project.

Wow. I should quite the metal smith. Good gravy. Okay, so you head forward and the doors open for the airline. you can step into the airlock, the doors close behind you, and then the doors into the spaceship open as well, as airlocks do, because that might be relevant one day. Yeah.

Is any of the two doors an airlock? Sorry? No, never mind. No, they have to be airproof. Yes, they are airtight. Airtight, that's the word. Not proof. Airproof.

Waterproof air in this room. Waterproof airtight. Weird. Captain Gun says, they both do the same thing. Why is it a watertight? Oh, they do say watertight. You hear a knock on the airlock door?

and it's general gun. Why don't they say waterproof? Wait, they do say waterproof. It's Captain Gunn waving at you. Hello. Hi. Miss Gunn. Captain, please.

Captain, Captain. Oh, I'm sorry. Captain Gunn. That's okay. A lot of people make a mistake. Captain Gun. An honor to be on your ship. Oh, wow. Salute.

Wow, okay. We don't do that. That's not the thing. Oh, wow. Okay. Officer on the deck. Wow. Wow.

You guys are fun. Now you. Officer on the deck, sleut. well and she like by instinct just kind of does the same salute you're doing she's like i don't know what i'm doing she salutes you yeah she's just so confident oh so crisp dude all the movements are so fucking crisp roll dexterity see how crisp's crisp that she starts doing that fucking shit with the gun bro no way second natural 20 oh my god yeah okay so you do it so you do it so well that the other two do start doing the stripes thing where they're trolling their guns so they finish doing their little

fucking show with her guns for you. The door's open and she says, okay, so if you will look at your feet, there's a yellow line that will head us towards prisoner. Yes. That will head us towards prisoner processing. All we have to do is go. Wait, I don't know.

You, of course, have to go through prisoner processing because you did kill several people and you are technically right now are prisoners, technically. But sentencing for your trial won't be for at least a few days, and Lila will be here within the hour. Oh, great. And once suspects when she gets here, she will have your

What are our rights as prisoners? Do we get to consult with a lawyer? Yes. I'd like to request a lawyer. We will have one set. When, when? Probably the soonest we could get one to come down from the upper floors of the ship would be 20 minutes or so from that. Oh, wow, that's great.

Wait, wait, what are your lawyers or what do you mean? I mean, we have many different kinds of professions on here. Yeah, we have a public defender. How do you know it's not a real lawyer wrapped around a bunch of fake ones? Holy shit. Wait, what? That's really funny. It's my cousin Vinny

reference when he's like, how do you know it's not a real $20, a lot of Ville, that's pretty good. All right, all right. We'll figure it out. We'll sense the cut of this person's jib and then we'll make it as soon.

And if the lawyer's bad, we can get a replacement, right? Well, certainly. We're sort of past money on this ship, so if you want a better one, we can just ask someone else. But you take the dollar, though, right? If you want to give me things,

I will take them, but whatever you need here is more or less going to be free. Money can be exchanged for goods. Okay. Bye. I'm coming with you. No, record isn't scrap. Bye.

They didn't know we were here. We were going to lay out incognito. Oh, I just wanted to say. Oh, who knows? We've seen them on our scanners quite a few times. They're delightful little scams, aren't they? You just got to say, we'll never see each other again, but that's okay. That's the point of just the rest of the cruise.

I don't know what I say. Never say never. I mean, unlikely. Either way, I'm just saying. You're going on a cruise. That's part of the magic of adventures and going on a cruise or going on a ship as you meet people. And it's okay. It's okay that you just met them for that time.

Dale, seems like you're a little scared of putting down roots again. It seems like you're a little scared of making new attachments. Seems like maybe you're a little worried about, you know, a little bit of loss. That's a lot to throw on me right now, but probably. And probably, yeah. I just want to say bye to them. Bye. All right, bye, bye.

I guess for now or maybe forever. Man, it's dark. This is the first time we've ever really. It's not dark. You never know. Why am I talking? You guys may be talking like you. Is that part of your alien magic you have that you make people to your voice?

I can't stop when I'm talking to you. That's not anything we're doing. We just have infectious personalities. I got to. Bye. Bye. Bye. You're like,

you break my calibration. I have the voice I can barely hang on. Okay, so you follow the yellow line on the ground. You are led by the captain and one of the guards in front of you, one is behind. And it's just... I don't like it when he says where they are. Yeah, we walk back to back for all four sectors. Oh, that's delightful, she says.

Steel hallway, steel security cameras, steel auto turrets, and steely-eyed soldiers surround you as you enter the... This must be a heavy ship. Yeah, it is. Good things. It's aluminum or lighter materials. I know that. I learned that. If the ship was assembled in space, you wouldn't really need it to, you know, be a

the writer. The yellow line on the ground leads you towards prisoner processing. And when you walk through the door into prisoner processing, you see a little desk with a robot standing at it flanked by two security guards. And as you walk forward, Captain Gunn says, uh, just step in, speak to the robot, please. We should give fake names. I think they know our names. It could be fun.

The robot looks at you all and says, is it licorice or is it ham sandwich? It's eyes flash and you feel as if your entire body. just got microwave for a split second. Apologies, apologies. The full body scan is more accurate when you're not expecting it. And you see behind the robot, like, some like 3D fucking models of your bodies are like rotating around. How big is everyone's dick? I'll take the ham.

How big is everyone's dicks relative to each other? If you want to roll, you can. But I could also just say that much like most X-ray machines, it doesn't get flesh so much. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but you look close. Oh, yeah, you're right. I forgot. You see outlines. They were lying to us when they said they could.

couldn't see titties and stuff. 100% they see titties. They see ball fucking. If you want to, you could all roll for dick size. If you want to. What size dice do we use to roll for dick size? A D20, surely. Believe in yourself.

All right. I'm happy with what I'm working with. Okay. I got a five and I'm not ashamed of it at all. 11. Average. Herb knows how to eat pussy. Yep.

I got an eight. Not great, but... At 19. Wow. Whoa. Dale is doing very well on these questions. It's fine. Oh, I thought that the number was the inch size.

That's what I thought. No. Oh, God, no. I was like, general sizes. That's all I was saying. What? You guys are joking, right? Yeah, I want to the average.

Oh, God. Oh, God. No. Did you keep your weapons on you? Were you lying when you said you had no weapons? I did not keep my weapons on me. I don't have a bonjie ball, but that's not a weapon. I am the weapon.

Great. And really quick, just to clarify, I have a drone as part of my gadgeteer class. I get a cool gadget. So the scan, you see a little beep on the wrist of Ashley Birch, and the robot says, it appears to have a drone. Oh, I mean I use this for, uh, vlogging.

It's okay. A lot of us have drones. It's pretty common around here. As long as you don't use any... Do you all use it for vlogging? Towers at the gate and I'll be like, surely wouldn't deprive an old man of his selfie stick. Now, if you would like to take a seat on this couch, says Captain Gunn, I will call Lila right now and right here. I'm tired of people telling me to take a seat on the couch.

Okay, you don't have to sit on the couch. Yeah, I'm going to stand. That's fine. So there are four large guards of this room, the two behind the robots and the two who walked you in. There's one what looks to be a dormant auto turret on the ceiling. There's also an IBS security group poster on the perpendicular wall from the couch with a picture of a mass soldier pointing at the camera and the word don't underneath it in big alarming font.

She presses a button on her wrist-mounted device. This is Captain John Gunn of the Intergalactic Bureau of Science This message is for former General Lila Brown We have your grandfather as well as all of his friends You have We got bamboozle! You have five minutes to respond or they will be thrown out of the nearest airlock And then she turns to all of you

She turns to you all slightly embarrassed And she goes terribly sorry Wait but where is the nearest one? It's like it's back the way we came pretty much Thrown out to where Into the vacuum space But if your granddaughter loves you Then that won't be an issue

Well, of course she loves me, but Lila, don't kill yourself for me. I'm an old man. Can you hear me? I wasn't transmitting at that point. Sorry, guys, but hey, hey, I'm not going to let me. Let me transfer that really quickly so that she knows that you are here. Indeed. Go ahead and say something.

Oh, Lila, you have a long life to live. I'm, I want to live. Actually, never mind. I'm a friend and I want to live. I play my recording. My sobs want me to live. Oh, can you pass this on to her when I die and I give, Don't give that up, Captain Gun

My recording. I'm sure, thank you. I hope so. She takes it from you happily. It's just me talking. It's some fucking gizmo we could have used to create a 3D illusion of a space as I don't know

with which one could try to escape. Hey, and that's mine. Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, we're either going to die or we'll be able to use it again. You get me, like there's no situation where we're alive and Captain Guns alive too, it feels like.

It feels like if we get out of here, I'll be able to pick that up from her. Anthony, I would like to attempt a slight of hand maneuver to win back the video gizmo. Okay, it'll be very difficult. And you'll be doing it with disadvantage because there are five people looking at you. I thought you gave it to me as a gift. Go ahead. Give me a slight of hand roll.

I'm going to burn one of my advantages to make it just a straight roll. Okay, so you've got to beat an 18. All right. Yeah, it's just my one advantage. Matt, you just understand. Wait, so the thing I was talking into was also a 3D printer. I thought this was a thing for me to record. It's not 3D printer.

It'll show a 3D image like a movie but in full 3D. I got a 14. Fuck. So what do you try to do to take it away from Captain Gunn? I take a human quarter and I put it in the crook of my thumb where my thumb meets my hand. And then I put my other hand in front of that hand and I pull it out and I show it once and I show it twice. And then the third time I let it flip. Lop down into the palm of my hand.

Classic French drum. Oh, delightful. And she starts clapping her hand against the thing that she maintains in her hand. And then I just grab for the... And she goes up! And she pulls her hand back and the four guards and the auditor come to life and all point their blasters at you. God damn it.

Unfortunately, four minutes and 18 seconds pass. Where the coin go? Why would you give us a full scan? Where's the coin? It's magic, man. I don't know where it goes. Why would you give us a full scan if you're just going to throw us out the airlock? To see if you had guns.

You wanted to see our ding-dongs. I wanted to see you had weapons. want to get an outline of my ding-dog. We're not like that out here. I'll tell you right now, you're not getting it. You're not going to lose. Captain Gunn touches her ear. Yes, yes. Put her through. A voice none of you recognize fills the room. Don't be a bitch. I'm here.

Oh, that's Lila. You will surrender. None of you recognize me. I don't recognize the voice by recognize the words and the attitude. Oh. Is that Lila? It is indeed. You will now surrender yourself to the 420 blazed. I don't know why we didn't change the name once we got rid of you.

But the 420 blaze it within the next 24. You can't change it. It's bad luck. I know. That's why. Lila, how are you doing? Hold on.

Gramps. Let me talk to this bitch. So, yes, you're going to bring yourself in within the next 24 hours or what little family you still retain will die. She looks back at you all and makes it like an ewe's face and she shrugs as if to say this is a bummer, but what can you do? I mean, you could do a lot.

Like, not this. Yeah. It's all on you, lady. So Lila says, Hey, hey, don't. Don't. kill them. I know you want me. I get it, but don't. I may be a poster, but I'm a wound of my word. I am going to ever so stealthily just try to scooch back towards the poster. Okay, that's fine.

Okay. They lower their guns as they realize Herb is not going to try to steal the thing anymore. Can I see if I see what Ralph is doing? Yeah. I clocked what Lila was saying. So I'm going to... Clock that T. So Lila says, just let them get up from that couch and don't kill them. If you line them up against the wall and shoot them, I will be angry, so don't line them up against the wall. Or else I'll post her personal details on the echo wave. And she goes, post whose? I grab, I grab, she's still a doctor. Rouse already got it. I grab Ashley and Herb and I like go against the wall that she said. I'm still ranting about my, that's my IP. My internal penis. Please help. I have an internal penis. Okay.

So I'm so scared right now. You run to the wall. Herb, what do you do? I'm thinking about the scene in Event Horizon where the guy is like in the airlock and he's like, Mama Bear and it's like it doesn't really make sense. And she's like, baby bear, come back. But he's already possessed by the entity. But I grabbed the Herb's hand and Ash's hand. So I don't know if they follow me. Yes, I follow.

But I'm thinking about Event Horizon. Oh, God. I'm so scared. Don't hurt me. Okay. So all of you sounds like move towards the poster. Yes. And I'm again, ranting about the fact that they have unauthorized pictures of my dog.

and that I will be suing. That's my IP. That's going to be... I was reserving that for an only fan's play. If they wanted it. Boom! The wall just behind the couch you were sitting on explodes. A scrawny fish person wearing a water-filled helmet and a lab coat

stumbles in through the smoking hole and tosses something hard to the ground. There's a pop. Everybody make a con-saving throw? Constitution. Constitution saving throw. It's only a tent. I got a 14 You know who could use

a Constitution Saving throw This country The little US of A baby I got a 13 Constitution saving I got a four Or five

Plus one Five I got five Okay Everybody who got under a 12 That's four Shit You are

Briefly deafened And then the flash That follows Kind of disorientes you So you're gonna get Disadvantage on If you want to do anything like physical

Or that you're Using your senses for Essentially So only It's like we turn the lights on In the middle of sex Oh, now I know exactly where my flesh ends and yours begins. So there's a flash.

Give me a second. Wait, it's you. I'm here. What are you doing in the middle of sex? You accidentally turn the lights on. Yeah, I'll tell you. No. No.

Will, will. You think you're having some good moves and then you're like, wait a second. I've just been tweaking the. I can answer. I'm going to get up, walk to the doorway, and turn the light on. You got to turn it until it clicks twice or she won't come. I thought we were finally doing that wall sex, but it was just the light switch. Well, the answer is if you have a Phillips Hugh system, you can program it at certain times of day to like, you know, turn on, turn off, whatever.

That's the answer. For all the sexy movie scenes where people are like coming home and then like fucking in a kitchen, nobody ever turns on the garbage disposal accidentally. I think that would be a hoot. That'd be really funny. That'd be funny. Even through the haze, you can sort of see that the fish man seems to be like waving at you. And those of you who didn't fail your roles, who didn't get under 12, so Herb and Ralph, you hear and see this fish person beckon you towards them and says,

follow me as he begins to step out of the hole that he created. Now, is this was this a hole like, is it outer space on the other side? No, it's just another part of the show. Okay. I'm going to try to gather my dazed cohorts and head that way. Yeah, I'm going to help up Dale and Ashley. Smoke fills the room from the thing that the dude threw, and laser fire erupts randomly throughout the room. All the guards are shooting crossways,

the auto turrets trying to get a beat on you. Everybody just give me a straight D20 roll, and if you get more than a 15, you won't get hit. Two. You get hit. Straight 15, no plus or minus? No plus or minus. I got a 13.

I got a 13. Teacher, I got a 14 that's so close to an A minus. Come on, it's an 89. That's like the same thing. Please. That's what it's been. This whole time is grade grubber. energy. It's a minus. It's like

for you, it doesn't mean anything for me. It's my life when I get home. Please have to 14. What a way? What's the difference? What's the difference to you if you're going to get a B plus or a minus? Doesn't change you. Doesn't change it, does it? But the colleges care? The colleges are looking at that. They care. Much like a teacher, I sympathize,

but if I say yes now, you'll just do it again. Fine, I got 14. Okay, great. We all get fucking lit. You all get lit up by the lasers. Each of you gets all laser that smacks into some part of your body. It's your dealer's choice as to which you are all going to take a D8 plus four. Jesus. D8 plus four. Jesus. Eleven damage. I took 11 damage too, dude. Oh,

and we got knocked out? No. Stop complaining. Five damage for me. 11 damage. I'm down to eight hit points. One. I'm down to 11 damage down to 10 hit points. You see another flash and you feel once again that you've been scanned by the robot. As you exit through the smoking hole, in the wall. The fish person throws down another flashy smoky grenade at the hallway you just walk down. The yellow line is still visible on the floor. The fish person says, Rondevo is this way and

points in the direction opposite to the yellow line. So it's up to you if you want to follow his direction or if you want to head back to your ship. I mean, clearly we're going with the fish person. We've got to follow fish man. You know Lila, right? Yes. Oh, okay. The fish leads you to an airlock. A very small ship zooms almost crashes

into the airlock and hurriedly docks. We're out of here, the fish says. This is my voice. Is he walking? Yeah, he's a fish man with like, you know, arms and legs. Awesome. The fish slams a button and your end of the airlock opens. Sorry, Anthony, very important detail that I think the fan artists are going to really need to work on.

With the fish in the helmet, is the fish like has a neck so the fish front is like kind of curled around and pulling forward? Or is it just like looking straight up? I want to look straight up. He's looking straight up. There's a mirror up there. It's like a little mirror up there. It always looks like he's looking down at you because his eyes will look. like pointing me to that way. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. So you get inside,

more gunfire explodes out from the distance, but it's through smoke and you're really far away, so I'm going to say you get lucky and it just Star Wars style spangs against the walls and stuff. The fish slams another button, closing your entry and opening the exit into this new very small ship. Oh, the door opens, and a 20-something-year-old with a gun in her hand is standing in this ship. It is unmistakably, Lila. Liva. Hey, Grandpa. Oh, you're so big. You've grown. You're 20. Oh, my God, it's been 10 years. It's me, I got so much, I, give, give Grandpa hug.

See, she goes in for a really big hug. Oh, you're strong. Keeps the gun in her hand. Yeah, I try to be. I want to catch up with you, but just not a lot of time right now. Give me one second, and she turns in, she shoots the fish person in the head, shattering its helmet and sending water and blood spilling to the ground. The ISB stooges all have tracker chips, and we don't have time to remove his.

If we left him, we get information about him, and I don't want them to get information. So come on, get on the ship. We're all good. Let's go. He might have been a spy. Who knows? You didn't know? Let's get in the ship.

No, go, go, prop, prop, all right, oh wow. Are you all going to get in the ship? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm leaving the presents back there. Birthday goat girl is the name of a Grant Howard one shot available to our EXL Patreon tier members. It features Will, Anthony, Beth, Marcy Campos, and Amanda Shuckman.

Have a little sneak peek. You're going to do a fun dance. I'm going to do a little fun dance because it's my birthday. Give me a roll. Oh, God. A three. So you did bad. It's not a good day.

Unless you didn't do bad. In which case you could not do bad. Because remember, it's your birthday. I think it's my birthday and any dancing I do is adorable. Okay, great. So then it didn't. Tap dancing. Tap dancing.

Tap dancing. A tap dancing goat? Has anybody ever seen tap dancing and they're like, whatever. Like, whatever I see tap dancing, I'm like, that's so awesome. With bullets. Like, just lighting up the stage around you. Come on.

It's my birthday. Okay, so it's your birthday, and the whole crowd loves it. They're all going crazy again. They know, you can't tell if they're screaming because of all the violence or they're screaming because they love goats so much. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads is the number one spot on the internet. For exclusive Dungeons and Daddy's bonus content, we're talking Discord access. We're talking live listening events with the cast every new episode.

We're talking about no ads, merch discounts, and more. You don't even need to pay. You can join the Patreon feed for free, much like any social media network. feed. And it's a far better way to stay up to date with our shenanigans compared to X, the platform where Grok generates horrific material on the reg. We'll have none of that. Patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Get happy birthday go girl when it drops later this week at the EXL level. Get access to our bonus after show and so much more. Check it out if you want to support us directly. Us, who are we? Dungeons and Dyes is Matt Arnold as Dale Elliott. Anthony

Birch is our DM. Will Campos as Ralph Estereas. Beth May is Herb the Worm Quigley and Selle Frady Wong is Ashley Birch. Our theme song is conventional wisdom by Max and Waller. Anisa Omeran is our content producer. Ashley Blood is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing.

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slash dungeons and dads Merch and more at dungeons and dads.com Our next episode April 7th We'll see you then I will call out Post X-rays

of a guy's dick in our general fucking Discord chat You asked what does it look like And you can see it That's what I thought you would see it. It's like, yeah, you see like... It's a shadow of a dawn. The shadow of the dawn. It's not like you see the...

Unfortunately, you see a lot more of the woman. You can't get anything from that, you know? The camel toe is more pronounced. Okay.