Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 6 - Finding Doory

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

how to turn off ring camerahow to mute ring camerahow to stop ring camera opening doorThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Intro courtesy of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, parodying his game review series, Zero Punctuation. These days you can find him making videos for his independent media company, Second Wind. Check out his animated actual play series - Adventure is Nigh!Reminder that our 2nd Annual Pride Zine submissions are still open! In honor of Pride Month, we're releasing a limited-print zine to raise money for charity. If you want to participate, we're looking for all kinds of art: traditional, digital, cosplay, and everything in between. To be considered, submit your work by April 27th. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Making art is like masturbation. You picture something in your mind, employ a little handiwork, and then spurt forth a little part of yourself. That's probably going to be wet to the touch for a little while. Making art about making art is therefore like masturbating while picturing yourself masturbating. It's self-indulgent, yet oddly impressive if you can pull it off, but if you can't pull it off, you just look like a massive wanker. Which brings me to the color of combat, the latest

outpouring from the penises, I mean geniuses at Anapurna Games, wherein you play a a sentient paintbrush remembering the bits of World War I that your artsy fartziona has very decisively repressed into himself, so you have to go in and dredge up all his memories, so he can finally realise his masterpiece in Brainsplatter Pink, mustard gas yellow, and trauma beige. That's right, it's art about making art, that's a metaphor for making art. That's like masturbating to the concept of masturbating to a symbol that abstractly represents masturbating, and oh dear, I've given myself a migraine stiffy.

The cornhole of cock twat might sound like a mix of psychonauts and Mario Paint by way of Come and See, but it's more like a depressing Banjo-Cazooie clone, and we already had that, it was called ukulele. It might look like a slick new indie title, but that just makes the archaic collect-a-thon gameplay stick out like your grandma on stage at a Vegas burlesque show. And also like grandma on stage to a Vegas burlesque show, the cumabund-cunt bucket keeps forgetting what it's supposed to be doing. One minute you're pipetting tears from the face of dying soldiers at the Somme, the next you're sampling the brown streaks from the Red Baron's underpants. The tone wavers like a D&D podcast interrupting a well-crafted fart joke to cry about

a recently deceased pet and then transition to a Mint Mobile ad. All of which might be forgivable if the cum-sharkootery actually had something to say. But the The overall message is bollocks. If surviving trauma was all you needed to be a great artist, beating borderlands too should have won me the fucking Turner Prize. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, or perhaps better known this season as grandpas and galaxies. I hope not better known. Our numbers are tanking.

A grand space pauper about four gilts who take to the stars and rescue their grandkids. And perhaps the entire known universe in the process. It's D&D with the shi. the dark matter in there. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Ashley Birch, Ashley, with an E. And a birch like the tree. Born in 64, Ashley Birch is

the youngest boomer. A twin galaxies era arcade pro gamer turned Twitch streamer gadgeteer. This week's Ashley Fact. I suspect we're going to be dealing with his drone, his class feature as a gadgeteer. I get a little gadget. I think I've heard you say DGI drone

more than I've heard you just say the word drone. I think it's more awesome. I think it's important. You have to be the change you wish to see in the world. And I wish to be a influencer who gets free drones from certain companies based in Shenzhen, China. Shall we say unnamed companies? Ashley is the kind of guy. And it's just a holdover who will read the manual cover to cover, including the parts where just to make sure, just because something's hiding in there. In the other languages? In the other languages.

You know, I'd be like, ah, that one, Italian. The Chinese are getting secret. Well, because here's what it is. There was a famous case where, like, some company hid in their terms of service, like, hey, if you email us proving you read it, we'll give you money. And one person was like, hey, there's money here. And he hopes one day to be one of those guys. So he's wise to all their TOS games.

I've got a pitch for IKEA. They don't put any, like, words on the instructions, right? They should just make up a language. That'd be crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, their names are halfway there. All of those are actual Swedish.

No, or not. It's Akea language. Hi, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Dale Elliott. The ex-coast-guard Road cruise loving now living that monk life. I want to ask Dale a question. Okay, great. He'll be happy to answer.

Is Dale in the room right now? One. Father of four, grandfather, seven. Army of all. Army of two. Oh, man. He would love Army of two. You would play Army of two with Ashley. That's for sure.

A little fact about Dale. Actually, Dale doesn't know either. Dale is panimmune. He is immune to every disease on earth because he got the norovirus like nine times. He did die. And he's been to like every single continent. And he doesn't know, but his blood is straight up gold. I thought you were saying he's like impossible to attract pansexuals or something.

Yes, that's what I thought. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, definitely not. Well, that's definitely not. No, no, he's fan. If you're more than one gender, you're not for. So if he gave his body to science, I think a lot of things could be salt. He may never die for all you.

Wow. That's kind of wild. That's a wild fact of drop. So like he's never had chicken pox or anything? No, he did. Oh, okay. He's had so many. He's had everything.

Sorry. Oh, malaria. He's got everything. Typhus. Typhus. Yeah. Got some Ebola kicking around in there. Every time you see one of those, if you've picked him on newspaper, they're like, oh, another one in this

country is happening. Is it going to come to us? He's had it. I like the idea that Dale is immune to all this stuff, but he is a carrier and spreads all of it everywhere. He's like typhoid Mary of the seas. He's immune. He's caring at all. Every marriage is like love in the time of cholera with Dale.

If Anthony ever checks any planet we've been to like a year later, it's just this rabid. They're all god. There's a swat of destruction. The world's rules where one cold kills them all. Dale, question. Yes. So there was a very famous cruise that sort of went around the world, right?

We got 200, 300-day cruise or whatever it is. What would Dale thoughts be about such an endeavor? There's many world cruises. No, no, no, no. This is one where the cruise lasts like almost a year. There's like a whole thing. Now, granted, this is after-Dales. I guess that's wrong.

There's lots of world cruises. There's like 180 days, 160 days, like 200 days. Like, they're all, you can go on one right now for him. Has he ever gone on one? Yeah, that's what he does. He just does those? Oh, my God. He's gone for like nine months out of the year.

I think he gets all the diseases. He's got to go all around. What is the shortest? cruise, Dale has been on. I mean, he's been on some short cruises, because there's definitely, like, some places that the world cruises, like, won't go up to or whatever. But, yeah, I mean, he's on, like, a little trip still. He's somebody here and there. He's going to take a cruise to get to the other crew.

Yeah, he's going to chain the cruises together. Freddie, let me put it this way. When you go to the ATM, do you just get $30? If you're going to pay $350 anyways, you're going to take out, like, $200 or whatever, right? You don't want to go back. So if you're going to get all that effort to go on the cruise, you're going to be on there for 180 days. Like, that's what he does. Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos. I play Ralph Astaireus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died, and also he's a radiation for a week. Nice. My fun fact about Ralph this week is that in the 90s, Ralph and his wife,

Cookie, sold the rights, the foreign rights to teen sex to a Japanese animation company. And it became the anime known as Fighting Bug Friends. Fighting bug friends. We have sex.

He became an average. Whatever it is, whatever it is. That's what it's called in English. I think the Japanese title also does in Japanese sound like something like teen sex. Oh, yeah. Nani? Hentai? No, hentai.

They got like a couple hundred bucks for it or like maybe $1,000 because they're hard off on rent that month. And it's since gone on to be a gigantic anime overseas, billions of dollars, huge franchise. It's like Evangeli. It's like Evangeli. It's like they're pushing shick razors all of a sudden. like shing-j-j-stop talking about shaving? Has Ralph watched to see why they're successful and yours isn't? I think they just literally didn't even think about it.

Do you know what I mean? It was like, they got the check and then they forgot about it. And then, you know, I don't think they even really realize all that much. And it's so different from your vision that if you saw like a poster of it, you wouldn't even think it's... Occasionally, like a big fan of the anime will make a pilgrimage and tell them like, oh, we love this cartoon. And they're like, that's a crowd. So it's a cartoon. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, we remember. That was pretty interesting. Wow. they're still doing it, all right. You know, it's like one of those. That's great. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Herb the Warm Quigley, a young at heart barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot.

Herb read over 900 self-improvement books after he dropped out of college. And by books 715, he had achieved peak emotional human performance. He was emotion maxing? Yes. But the last 185 books were mostly stinkers and left him worse off than before. Oh, no. I've never thought of self-help books like working and then some of them was like, oh, that would cancel that. Like as a kid, they'd be like, you can be anything you want book. Cancels out that you're perfect the way you are. I recommend the subtle art of not giving a fuck.

Y'all remember that time when like it was like so hip. Don't you mean the subtle art of not giving it? Free? Yeah, remember this to every book. I remember going to airport. that was like, yeah. It was like, hey, let's put a fucking book. That was the big, that's how they reacted to the internet. The publishing issue is like, how can we fight the internet? I know, the F word. Penguin Random House is like, we're going to be the first book with Cunt in the

number shit my dad says. That guy was a liar, right? Probably. You don't think his dad was saying that stuff? You think William Shadder would do a TV show and that dad was a lie? You're right, William Shadner, the paragon of truth and justice in the world. They didn't do a TV show of his second book. Cunt fuck.

Hi, I'm Will Campos. I just want to say that's the last time Freddie and I are going to say that. As we played, Australia. It felt weird. Less it's Australia. And then he got to. He got to. No big deal.

No big deal. On that note, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your granddaddy master. Today's empegramp is, war is the realm of uncertainty. Three quarters of the factors on which action in war is based are wrapped in a fog of greater or lesser uncertainty. A sensitive and discriminating judgment is called for.

A skilled intelligence to send out the truth. Robert McNamara. Nope. Sun Sue dog. You're close. Rob's told. Carl von Klauswitz, who is the originator of the entire premise of the idea of Fog of War.

I thought they came up with that in Starcraft. Yeah, that's a warcraft thing, actually. I think Asia Empire was the first one was the first one to do Foggle War. What was the first game? Dune 2, I think. Dune 2 is the first RTS, so that's probably what did it. What are you guys, Dune 2, me, right? Get on with it.

So when we last left you, first you saw some sort of creature in a bird mask kind of thing and a cloak that had killed a couple of the meboids that Lila had planned on meeting. Then Lila said, run and ran and was grabbed by two seemingly unrelated randos in the crowd. Creepy, mysterious, no name. I heard the name start to the sea. He's Australia, yeah. And then thrown into a... spaceship and you attached

a drone to the spaceship. DJI drone. It's still working because of the quality products. And you were like, what do we do now? I pulled the fire alarm and then we just started a big firefight in the casino. The last thing we saw was the doors all locking as this other ship blasted off, right? Yeah. I seem to recall

also that the guards were on to us. Yes. So can you give me just a little overview of the bloaters, David Bloaders? What we see before us. What's our situation? Here's the mission briefing. How fucked are we? How fucked are we? You find yourself at the air docks of Dave and bloaters.

Water is raining down from the sprinklers overhead because of the fire alarm that Ralph pulled. Lila's ship is on the other side of an airlock which is currently closed. Ooh, is there a portal in the airlock? Can I see it through it? Yeah. Like a window. No, like a portal that will put us on the ship. I'm going to cast Misty Step.

one more time and teleport on the other side of the wall. Shishah. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. So you're in the space? You're in the ship. Yeah.

Oh, Lila's ship. Yeah, Lila's ship. Yeah, I just want to be on the other side of the door. Okay, so you're there. And on that side, you see some controls. None of them are immediately obviously what they do. I would like to talk to the door. Ralph doesn't even need doors anymore.

Okay. What are you going to say to the door? Hello? Oh. Oh, that's what you sound like. Miao. Could you open for me so I can let my friends in? I don't know.

I can't. Please. They told me I have to stay close because there's a fire. And I want a fire onto your ship. That'd be bad. Do you. I'm the one who pulled the fire alarm. And it was a mistake.

And I'm sorry. And I won't do it again. But there's no fire. And I would like to roll charisma. Persuasion. That's crazy. How many times were wrissing up doors. Fuck.

I got a seven. Wait, wait. Wait. Yeah, I got a seven. I'm so sorry, but I need, an official voice telling me to open up and you're not very official. Please. But thank you.

I wish I could. You have a very good personality. I can tell just from this conversation. I used to think there's a joy in new Anthony voices, but now... I've never turned around a character so much. I didn't like the character. I love this. I hated this character at the last sentence made me like this character more than anybody.

Can I ask you a question? No. Why do you talk like that? What? What? What? Root. I think right. I can't ask you for something. I just mean, I think you have an interesting. I become, you know, it's just, I have an accent.

This is what's called an American accent. Ralph, you probably sound weird to him, man. Yeah. If he was curious about the way that I sound, I would be having the answer. So I'm just asking me adorable. Oh, my God. Guys, I don't think I can open the door on the other side. Do you want me to go chase after Lila?

I can go do it. How? Wait. The ship's over here. Oh, yes, I'll get in. We can't. The door's lock. Bud, bud.

I'm going to. I like your vibe door. How you doing? Oh, your friends are trying to whiz me out of our thing. Oh, man, I'm sorry about Ralph. He's having a tough time. We're all having a tough time. Now, you sound like you're having a tough time too.

How often do you have to close because of fires? Is that a pretty common thing, bud? No. No? When do you open up? When the fire alarm gets lifted by the person who's the charge of security? Oh, okay. That makes sense.

What about if it's Dave from Dave imploders himself. Hi, it's me, Dave. Roll deception. 16. Sir! You have greased me with your presence. This voice is only because every day I'm outside of your light, I am absolutely mortified at the mere thought of existing in a universal how you

I face outward towards the void rather than inward towards the lights and beauty of deem and bloters. Forever like tantalus with my dream just out of reach. How do you know about tantalus? I know about my buddy, Tannalus. Tannilus is another chain restaurant in this year. The food is just right in front of the video. It's the fajita experience with all their dishes. I want that.

It's a sizzling place, dude. And I'm Mr. Blota. It's me. Yeah. Well, persuasion with disadvantage. Deception with disadvantage. Bloader very famously separated from Dave over disagreements over their ticket pretensions.

That's why their and. That's why their lowest score was a 14. Really? Yes. Oh my God! What is happening today? You guys are back together? Yeah, we had a feud, but then I forgave him.

What brought you back together? Tickets. Armitration. Did you realize that the third party arbitration? Only by combining your tickets could you get the R.C. car of your dreams. Yeah, something like that. Oh, my God. And the door opens.

All right, boys, let's go. Okay. Well, uh, door, thank you for your service. No, wait. Door, door. Close behind us and stay closed. Well, wait, wait, wait. You can take my AI out of this door.

All right, I'm going to take it. Grab the AI core, Dan. Do I just take the whole, like, the handle here? Twist the handle counterclockwise 9 degrees and pull the AI core out. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. And I'm going to install this door on our door. So this character stays

Who the hell is that? I'm the door. Whoa, that's a crazy door. Okay, so you managed to successfully yank at the A-Core because the door presents it to you. And now, yeah, the outside door. It's more erotic than a door presenting. It's A-I-Core to you.

The door is now facing inward to the body of Lila's ship. Oh, we can keep it outside. Yeah, I guess it's up to you. Do you want it facing it? inside or outside. We have water here, but I don't like want to hear all the time. Okay, if he's facing outside, then he's like, oh, he's just knowing that you're inside of me is enough.

That's okay. Wait, wait, oh, this is how we open the door to the Lila ship is we replace the AI cores. All I'm saying is this door is going to ride and die for us. Oh, yeah, yeah. This door is not opening by itself without us wanting it. Unless we set it free. Master is given knobby a knock.

I lean in and I'm like, it's very important to this door. Never knows. you were lying. Otherwise, we're getting shot into space. We're getting shot into space, guys. Very fickle door. No, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't lie. We have to keep it up forever. Forever. You're Dave and your bloaters. Yes. You hear that? I don't hear that because you would call me my name.

That he was a good destiny back. Okay, what do you want to do now? Open the door to this shit. You know, you're in now. Thanks. Close door. Okay. Wow, are you so good at that?

Close other. Guys, I got the feed for my DJI drone on my smartphone using the DJI app. Hang on, guys, let me boot up DJI Mimo. DJI Mimo is the app. Hold on. Got to agree to their new terms of use. Done? Does that work on any phone? Can you put it on mine? Well, you got to download it from the app store. What's great, though, is that it does cover all of DJI's products. You got the Avada 360, you got the Action 6, the mobile 8. Does it work on books?

Wait, this is the wrong DJI app. That's just the one to look at it. We're running out of time. Lila's getting away. Okay, I got a feed on Lila. She's so, uh, well, I guess I could see her, but I don't know where she is. We said it. Who's the pilot?

Who's the best of piloting? Yeah, describe our ship. So the ship, unlike the elder millennial did not seem to have an AI managing most of its abilities and protocols and stuff. It seemed to just be a small ship made for four to five people max. that's manually piloted. When you saw it getting piloted towards Dave and Bloaders,

Lila was piloting it herself. Don't worry. I happen to have a number of capital ships that I own, both released and unreleased in, uh, well, the streaming game of my choice.

Step aside, folks. I'll take it from here. I'm going to settle into the captain's chair and put my hands on the hands on throttle, the HOTUS setup. I mean, go ahead and roll piloting. Piloting, which somehow I don't have any bonuses on,

which seems strange, weird. I guess video games don't translate to real life. Huh, who knew? Doesn't matter. 17. Whoa. So with a 17, you lurched this thing out of space. Lurch.

Yeah, it wasn't a 20. 17's pretty fucking. It wasn't that bad. You don't get nauseous out of it, but you go, oh, lurching's cool. It's like, you just accelerate a little bit too fast. Freddie, it's just like when Dom Toretto fucking punches it on his Pontiac GTO, it's cool that everyone goes, whoa, it slams back. It's not like, ooh, Dom Toretto did such a soft and supple

job pressing the accelerator down that I could sip my tea without it splashing. You live life one fucking quarter mile at a time. I keep my family safe. I remember everything about my father. You managed to pilot it out of space dock. You can turn around and sort of aim yourself while looking down to your...

At David Bloaders? No, no, no, I'm saying like you can look at your DJI app, which is so convenient in your phone and sort of use that as a mini map, essentially, to direct you towards where the drone is coming from. Somehow the satellites, which is how the GPS gets positioned, are just working. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Somehow, Freddie, yeah. Dave, do you need me to hold your phone so you can see where you're going? That'd be great. Yep. And my name is Ashley. Oh. Okay. I'm going to roll to see if.

Oh, Dave. Oh, fuck. I heard that. Sorry. We're all the way up in the thing. Can't look. I still get reception. That's why I said I'm rolling.

She did not hear that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Loder? Hold the phone for me. Yeah, I'm going to hold the phone. My name's Floda, so I'm going to do that. My piloting skills have increased by plus one.

Because you're looking at your phone while you pilot. It actually cancels each other out. Yeah, follow a lot of ship. Oh, can we transfer all the power engines? So we have no shields. You sure can't? No weapons, no shields. Yes, but engines.

Classic sci-fi move is to transfer all the power to the engines. Is that something you can do from that console of yours? There's three sliders here. I'm just going to slide them around like a DJ. Why don't they just have a bigger battery So you always have full power On all the parts You know they actually

There was a trend Where they'll lie to you And they'll just say That they're transferring But it's just one battery Whoa Did we do the thing? Yes we are going by

X-wing versus tie fighter rules Where sick with that You have in electric cars If they're like You can lower your bumper integrity But you go faster Yeah You can't

Your horn gets quieter Yeah your horn gets quieter You can't roll down your windows You can't roll down your window You can't roll down your window You can't roll down your window You can't roll down your window You can't roll down your window

Don't give you a lot of most getting ideas. Okay, so yes. Tie Fire X-Wi-Firder rules. The X-Wing versus Tie-Fider rules are you have shields, engines, and weapons, and you basically have three points to distribute amongst. 300 engines. We got catcher. Full engines.

Okay. Give me a role with advantage because pretty shortly, I think, the ship that you're chasing notices that you're on their ass and is going to try to do some evasive maneuvers by weaving into what looks to be a dust cloud. Dust cloud. Oh my gosh, it's happening. We're having a space dog fight. Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

Are Scrap and Reckage with us? Oh, that's a good question. Sliding in the slipstream. So Scrap and Reckage, when you last saw them, you asked them to bring back Roger Moore, correct? No, we asked them to eat the ship. Yes, eat the ship and bring back Roger Moore. If possible.

They had to roll to see if they ate Roger Moore or not. How are we going to tell them that we have a new AI, that we like even more? You see, scrap and wreckage behind you, in the distance, in the rearview mirror, and they are sort of confusedly looking at you. You can see from the way they're...

They tilt their head, like dogs, but you can see from the way that their fins are moving that they seem to be following you. And one of them has something in its mouth. Space does just wreckage. Like, are they useful to us, like, if we put them on the front? Well, that depends if you're looking at a sort of Kepler event type thing. Then it would be debris, but could also just be the dust of a ring of a planet or a nebula,

in which case, it's just starched. So I just rolled a wisdom saving throw for Scrap to not eat Roger Moore, and he got a natural one. Oh, no. So you see sparks explode into, out of, out of his mouth behind you. Oh, it's those little dots from the beginning of the Bond movies. Yeah. So unfortunately, yeah, you see just a wisp of Roger Moore's face going, as his AI evaporates into the cold darkness of space. And Scrap, forks down his AI housing.

And you see Regich turn to him and put both of his fins up. as if to say, what you didn't do? It's a living. It's a living. Doork, can you tell them to come on? We don't want scrap and wreckage on board. Oh, he's talking about Freddie. Why not?

We should tell that. Wow. He's so into character. He doesn't know where he ends. Worst case scenario. Anthony does funny voices a lot. Best case scenario. That's right.

We need to have scrap and Matt wreckage. Meet the door. They have a job or say to have a job or such as it's an RPG. Until Anthony says our inventory is full, you just keep the shit. Like, they might eat something. There are two things that do things. Until you use them with us. So keep them with us in case we need them.

They eat wreckage. Your hostess with the Moses, the two things that do things. Until you're over-encumbered and your movement speed is lower. You just keep adding stuff on. I mean, worst case, say, you remove one tin cans. Worst case, sit down, frame. Put it this way.

No, I will say our good friend, bloater. He's taking missile. Okay. Drop them behind us. Drop them behind us. Bloader does bring up a good point, which is that scrap and wreckage, they're bad with names.

Wink. And they may not call certain people by the right names. Oh, that's going to happen. That's going to happen. It's so annoying. They're own. To be clear, we got to solve that problem some way. That's going to happen.

What are you saying? Sorry. I don't know who herb is. It's ridiculous. Roll it again. No, no, she got it right, though. Yeah, she's not. He said it wrong.

No, but he can say it wrong. He's just a confused old man. You're right. You're right. The door did hear you say herb, but you saved it by saying, I don't know who herb is. But now that name is in the door's mind. Well, I'm tired of scrapping wreckage calling me herb. Who the hell is Herb?

What's that short for? Herbal? That's the nickname. That'd be ridiculous. Herbal letters. That's the nickname we gave you because you smoke so much herb. Yes. Oh, yes.

Of course. Both of you roll deception. If you both succeed, Dory will believe this. Dory the Door? Yeah. Oh. Fighting Dory episode name. Ooh, 16.

I got a 21. Whoa. All right. clear. Dory very much believes that bloater is unfairly referred to as her by many people. And Dave, you know your real name's Ashley. You're putting out of the rules.

Your real names Ashley. And we call you Ashley because you're always, once I smoke the herb, you're putting out the ashes. Oh, that's one way to say it. Yeah. Are you going to, you really want to do this? No, I was, no, let's be real. It's like, we're your friends so we can call you by your giving.

name, but you're a little bit sexist, and you said nobody would go to a store called Ashley in bloaters, so you got to put a guy's name on it. All right, what are you going to say to that, Ashley? Uh, what? What are you guys? I'm piloting the ship. All right, great. I'm piloting the ship.

What are you guys talking about? So, Matt, you get to roll deception with disadvantage. Damn it. Oh, what? Is there like a mechanic where you're going to keep the better of the two? Yeah, it's called advantage. The opposite of what I gave you. I got 21.

and I got a nine. Okay. So you hear from outside. Hello, Dore. It sounds like you're having doubts. Can I talk to you? I would like to speak to my good friend, Blander.

Dory, what's up? Keep your voice down, but I think that perhaps there are liars amongst you. How well do you know, Dave? Dave and I go, way, way, way, way, way. Look how old I am. I've known him for years.

You've known him when he was named Ashley. I know. I know. That's the thing. Is they said his name with Ashley and then he didn't respond. Wait, wait. Am I? It didn't seem like a dead name situation,

so I'm really curious as to why that happened. Boy, I hope I'm not being lied to. I don't know what I do. about I was being wanted to. I don't know. I don't know. He turned the control over the airlock of the ship. Why do we put him?

Why do we put this door on the ship? What are we thinking? Uh, a door. Ralph is very carefully getting into a space suit. Just discreetly putting a space suit on right now. Dory, look at my face. Oh, I can't. I'm feeling out one.

Can you describe it to me? Yeah. It's real like, And I've got these deep though eyes that just kind of look at you like I can see your whole past and future. And it's not the face to somebody who would lie to you. All right. Roll deception. Just straight up.

Please, God. 18. Fuck yes. Okay. Interesting. This Dave is assuming says it. I'm just so confused. But that's okay because I'm so happy to have bloater and Dave inside me.

Yeah, and there's no need to be confused You know, Dave used to be called Ashley And sometimes that happens And that's fine Yeah, when somebody says, then the other name I'll just assume it's Dave or bloater I guess if he can hear and talk to us He might as well just had him facing inside

Well, that's a good point there We'll fix that at the next port You have to be really close with the door to hear Oh wait, no, we can't have Dory face it inside Because then we'd see our knockers Oh, herb. So the door laughs really hard. And I'm going to give it a role to see if he can maintain its composure as it laughs.

It maintains a seal. Incontinence check. 17. So, yeah, it begins to open up for a second. And as oxygen begins to get sucked out. He's going, Ha, ha, ha, ha. This door is fucking life.

Like, it's his every role. I'm really sorry. We're just poying with death. But he manages to keep a. That's what I'm saying. Silicon Valley, you're trying to make things smart that don't need to be smart.

So I believe I was doing a role to chase, right? The pilot chase. We were also talking about scrap and wreckage were there. They were behind you because you put all your power into your engines. You were going faster them and you were out pacing them. But they were chasing us. So they'll catch up to us. So yes, you were managing.

They can take care of our door problem. Boy, I hope there are no fish sharks on here. I look extra delicious. Plus, Rikage has the taste for blood after eating Roger Moore. Who must eat another AI core? The most fucking just eating itself. Blood devices. I know it's too bad.

It's a killer other NPC. Okay. You're chasing. So you head into the dust cloud. Your sensors get fucking. All you can really see is what's through the front windshield, so to speak, the window. Just like a car. And you can see a light glow in front of you that looks like the engines.

But then that light moves a little bit erratic. Not much, but erratically. And another light appears. The other light is basically the same size and shape as the first light. So as far as you know, either one of them could be the ship that you're looking for. It clearly seems to be some sort of like decoy thing. It's like a shell game. The first one is to build confidence.

So you always go with the first one because they give it to you easy. But they split at the same time. What's your idea, though? So I'm going to see it, is there like a sensor array on our ship that I could scan these two different beams with. Does one have neutrinos and the other one's got tachium particles? Roll technology for me. Technology.

Technology. What is that? Intelligence? Yes. What did I get with my tent? So with a 10, you can't find something that says sensors, but you can at least tell something that is not sensors because you notice a lever that seems to have like a little image of a rocket next to it.

So that's probably not sensors at the very least, but you haven't found something definitive yet. I'm going to take out my Sharpie that I keep on me in case a teen insects fan comes up and wants an autograph. I'll just keep that thing on me. Hasn't happened yet, but someday. And I write guns on that. So we know that that's like a gun, probably.

Great. Ralph, it's pretty self-explanatory. Well, be that as it may. Can I have a perception? What we're seeing is we're seeing like the light from the engine. And the rocket's red glare. Yes, and the red glare split into two. Yes.

My perception was a nine. Okay, so that's not going to be helpful. Yeah, sorry. Can we hail them? Can we hail the other ship? Give me another technology roll. or software interface or something like that. But don't you have some shit like that?

I got a fucking two. How do space sharks track wreckage? The time to ask that would have been when you were not in a dust cloud, I would argue. Now the dust cloud, is it like fogging up the windshield. Is there a windshield wiper? Yeah. I'd like to turn on the windshield wipers. Now with the increased visibility, I will now squint at the two ships.

You got to do it. I'm not going to be in advantage of this, but I'll give you plus two to whatever your role is for percent. six great six the drone is still following one of them yes so we follow the one the drone isn't following we follow the one the drone isn't so that way we don't lose either of oh cool that's clever so can we tell which one has the drone on it that's the question roll technology i will roll technology it's my drone 13 plus 21 15 okay so with a 15 uh yeah you can still tell which of these ships has the drone on it and it is the very first one that jiggled all weirdly The other one is beginning to diverge course.

Are you going to follow that one? I will take Ralph's good advice. Good advice, buddy. And I'm going to turn. I mean, it's not good, though, if the one that has the drone, it has Lila. Okay, well, what do you want to do that? I mean, I just feel like we saw Lila. We can have Scrabber Wreck and Chase the other one down.

As far as I see, we have two options. We can follow the original ship. Maybe this other one's just some sort of holographic dood, some sort of delusion. Or maybe it's an escape pod, and the original ship is empty and a decoy. Maybe she fought her way out. Maybe she fought her way out. You're right. We could hedge our bets or we could go all in or we could have scrap and wreckage, but then we might lose the D-O-O-O-R.

Ralph. Ashley, my granddaughter's life's in your hands you choose. You're the smart ones. You write this stuff and you're, you fly spaceship. I go by Dale now. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Oh, no. It's okay. I believe that everything's fine. Because my good friend bloater told me. I was in this exact scenario once, and I used a special power, so to speak, called the force to, like, kind of, like, just know which one it was.

Which one is it? Ooh, I'm going to try to use the force. Okay. Can I just do a raw dog wisdom role? Yeah, give me the Arcana role. Arcana, that's offensive. Yeah, I mean, also with metaclorians, it's definitely more like a nature role.

I'm just... Medicine or nature. I would like to make a wisdom roll. Ralph is going to close his eyes. Ralph is secretly, ever since. since he saw Star Wars, hoped that the Force was real. It is, man.

It happened. He only watched Rise of Skywalker. That's the only what he's seen. He saw Star Wars. He figured that if the Force was real, he'd be the type of guy who would be able to do it. So he closes his eyes and he just like, oh, Cosmos speak through me.

He rolls. The Star Wars life. I got a 13. So with the 13, you see an image of your dead wife for a second. You don't know if it's like a Force ghost or if you're just thinking. Cookie?

Cookie, what should I do? Which one, Cookie? Guide me. You're the better writer. You're the better friend. You're the better person. You're the better spouse. Just, what should I do?

Everyone's counting on me. And she smiles sagely. Yeah, what does she do? What does she do in my head? She does a backflip over Darth Mall. She initially looks like the older version of herself when she died that you loved. But you see her as she morphs into her younger self. Good by a different.

Nice. Sort of a hated Christianson to the other guy. And she says, I don't know. I don't know. Ralph opens his eyes and says, let's go with Plan Ralph. Follow the other one.

Oh, okay. Oh, God, Lila. So you follow the other one and see the other... She's a strong girl. You see the other light disappear into the fog of the dust. And after about five minutes of following this other one, you managed to break through the dust cloud. And you see that what you've been following looks to be

simply an engine on its own with some sort of transponder something attached to it. It looks to be a decoy. You know what? It's... I should have made the decision. You guys did a good job.

Oh, oh, God. Okay, all right. I always knew when you have enough grandkids at some point, you will lose one. Ew. Whoa! That's dark as shit. We haven't lost her yet.

We still got the signal from the... Okay. I'm not saying we've given up. I'm just calming myself down. I acknowledge the... my grandkids might die. It could be, things could be worse. I could have lost multiple.

Look, it could have been better. We could have gone the way I wanted to go. But we didn't. Stay present, focus. I am present. Why do you slap me? Because you can talk about your grandkids be dead? Oh, not dead.

I'm just saying we lost her. We did. So now we got to go find her. Okay. Easy. Is there like a tractor beam on board? We could tow this engine with us and then like, I don't know, turn it on and then use it like a chariot to scoot around the galaxy if it's faster than our shit?

It's cool as hell. Would I ship this small have a tractor beam worth a damn? I don't think so. What about a big claw? A big claw I would buy, yeah. Ooh, yeah, can we grab it with a claw? All right. You're going to have to spend a software or a piloting check.

Maybe both. Let's do both. You know, I lost over $500,000 on the claw machine. Sorry. Wait. What claw machine? Oh, just like various claw machines outside grocery stores and... Total.

How much? $500,000. Yeah. How much is each attempt? A quarter? Okay, so you did this a million... Sometimes 50 cents, to be fair. Okay, so best case scenario.

Wait a second. You did this a million times. That's why I understand this. You did this a million times. No, no, well, to be fair. So even if it was... Even if you took 10 seconds per time. The drone feed goes dead.

The DGI of drone feed goes dead. Oh, no, what? The DGI feed? I did get a... No! I got a plushy SpongeBob once. Okay, guys focus. This is what I said we had to just go.

I'm going to... You guys, I'm going to... You guys, looking at a tiny engine. The tiniest, I love you guys, but like, the battery's gone as a tiny engine that couldn't even make it this far. Why would even talk about trapping it to our spaceship?

You guys are looking at like a broken boat. We're on a cruise ship. You're like, oh, maybe we should get that tire. We can still pick up the scent. Let's go. All right. We go in the direction that we last off. One last piloting check for me, please.

No problem. Don't worry, Dale. 10 plus 010. Your initial thought is like, oh, we're just heading the same direction we were going. and follow the drone that way, but you get lost pretty immediately upon getting into the storm

because you now have three directions of movement in which to get lost. I haven't seen a dust storm this bad since I was riding my horse, Hidalgo. Is it a storm in that movie? Oh, yeah, dude. What the fuck am I doing? What am I doing?

Somehow, that completely short-circuited my brain the word Hidalgo. I'm sorry. Hidalgo, seriously. I had this moment of him and fucking... Because the first time stop me the fuck dead. It's my bad.

first time her story, like, had the name of the movie in it, which makes it feel different. It makes it feel like you should know now. So, yeah, you get a little bit lost, but you do manage to come out the correct side of the dust cloud. And while you don't manage to get the feedback from the drone, you do see that in the area you are, there's not a ton of stuff that doesn't look like just more wreckage and or scrap, except for there looks to be too, orbs, almost like little moons, you don't know from this distance. That's no moon. Yeah, you're at the part before they say that's new moon, where you don't know because it could

be a moon. Because they are two orbs. And they are connected by some sort of scaffolding or something like that, and they are rotating around each other spinning. It sounds like a barbell. Like point. Yeah, it kind of looks like a barbell, yeah. Where is this? This is in front of it. In space, in space. We don't know how far away it is. So we don't know the closest thing we can see. That is the closest thing you can see. And your sensors go back on, so you now know how far away it is. So from this distance, it looks like a barbell piercing. But if we get closer, it'll look like a barbell. Yes.

Is there any evidence of the ship now? We lost the track of the DGI drone. Is the app working? Do we know anything? Hold on. Let me refresh the app. Okay, I'm going to roll again to see if I can finally find the fucking sensors. Oh, I got an 18.

Whatever we were using to boost the engines, if we can, like, shift all power to the sensors to do like a long-range sensor sweep. Smart, Ralph. Well, say you have sensors as well. Okay, that's cool. Turning into a little bit of Star Trek. situation. Engineer. I'm so much fun to it is. Scan sensors.

All right. sensors are good. If you turn off life support for a bit, I'll give you full advantage. Okay. Everybody hold your breath. Oh, that's easy. Everybody's going to have to roll Constitution. Yeah, no, that's, do I deep dive? Roll constitution to see if you can manage to hold your breath. Okay, great. Natural 20. Okay.

Ooh. Non-natural 20. That's fine. A nine. Okay, so you all see your... Someone's got a kiss herb. Share their oxygen with him. So, yes. her begins to suffocate, you

see through the sensors that you haven't rolled for it yet, have you? No. Yeah, go ahead and roll for it, please. It's just, is it technology again? I just feel like there's a lot of space stuff and I've got a bad. No, there's data too, real data. You should have been like a scientist and now a writer will. I was finally going to be

a character with high charisma and now it's not a charisma based meta. It's an intelligence based meta the first time on our fucking show. For right now, I don't say data is wisdom. Wisdom? Oh, okay, that's great. Then I can do a wisdom. With advantage, right? Yeah. Okay, I got a 17. So with the 17, you can tell that the fusion trail left by the ship that you were chasing does lead to this barbell, essentially.

You cannot tell exactly where on the barbell it landed, but you know it's definitely docked somewhere on whatever that is. So this is a big thing. It seems to be pretty big. Okay, I turn the life support back on. How's Ralph? I mean, how's that Ralph? I'm Ralph. How's it?

Are you, Ralph? Are you going to take a D4 of damage? Oh, man. I do like that this was like. Playing hide-to-seek with a kid and they're like, look over there. And when you went back, there's just like one tree in a park. It's like, where could they have gone? One.

One. Okay, not so bad. The ship went that way. They went to the thing. All right. Set course for barbell. Normal shields, engines, distribution. We got to be ready for anything.

It takes a second for the power to get back to the engines and the shield. So you can't just be like, all of this, all of this. And there's no downside to it. So it takes a bit. At any point, does the screen of the DGI come back on? As you get closer, it gets a little bit staticy. And at the same time it does, you see a heads-up display appear on the windshield. And depending on what the pilot looks at, you'll get a little overlay for that thing.

It seems to be tracking the pilot, in this case, Ashley's eyes. And when you look at one of the orbs says Waller Mating Station, Waller. The other orb says F-E-E-E-B-Hatching station. F-E-E-E-E-E-D-B hatching station. Oh, it's a Phoebe Waller bridge joke. Yep, you got it. Nice.

Terrible. Yes. Where do you want to land? Do you want to land on Phoebe or Waller? I don't know about you guys, but... I'd rather go to the mating station. I mean, why would they bring Lila here? Oh.

Maybe it's just a good place to hide out. I mean, there seems like it. That's like I've got mating going on. Oh, why don't we go to the bridge? Can we land in the bridge? Yeah, in between the two of them. Sure.

There's docking ports on either side of the bridge. Yeah, we split the difference. Yeah, we got a little amped up in the dust club, but in general, I find if you just go where you need to go and ask people questions, we'll find out. So you dock with the Phoebe Baller Bridge and your door, Dory goes, oh boy, you guys, there's a lot of toxic gas. in here. I hope you have spacesuits.

Oh, that's helpful. Thank you. See? Do we have spacesuits? Yes. Oh, great. Oh, I'm going to put my space suit. Oh, wow. I look great in this. I will say, though, these spacesuits, because again, this is for a small, shitty ship. Yeah. They don't seem to be, like, super strong. Hey, neither am I. A sufficiently stanky hit to the, uh, oh, we'll puncture the spacesuit. Oh, all right. Careful boys.

Okay. Why don't we just open the door? You know, when you ever blow up a bathroom, you just leave the door open for a while. you air it out. Why don't we just open the door over into the bridge? You just kind of air it out. Wait. Okay. I'm out here. Because they'll understand. Wait, wait. You're saying to air out our ship. No, no. Their ship.

They're connected to the thing, but the airlock has two doors. It's our door. But the two options, the two options aren't oxygen. The two options are either as full of toxic stuff or the vacuum of space. Well, yeah. Oh, you're saying. But wouldn't you rather deal with the vacuum? You could get rid of all the toxins. You get rid of all the toxins.

Well, we don't know what's generating the toxins. Yeah. We also don't know the, Although you know what we could do. We could just kill everybody on the ship because they clearly breathe that. Here's what we do. We die either way if we get punctured. Here's what we do. We dock with the thing.

We have a life support system, right? So we get into our spacesuits. So we have oxygen. We open the door. We let all of the toxic air come in and get filtered by our life support system. And then it'll filter it all back out to oxygen. Do you what I mean? I don't know.

This is just like when you spray febrize into the bowl right before you go. Yeah, I think what you're suggesting is if, like, I sprayed Fabriz in my car door and then open it up to this warehouse. It was like, eventually it's all going to be Fabriz. Look, all the air is eventually going to cycle through. How big is this space station compared to our ship? Very big. Okay, then never mind. It's probably going to be there.

It's the problem. The other way we need a space suit, right? Yes. So I listen to guys the first time. Can we just go out? Yeah, yeah. We got to put a space suit on and walk outside. Okay.

We put on spacesuits and walk into the poison. You wouldn't kill everyone for your grandda. Does our space suits have names on them? No. Oh, this is good. So that we can all recognize each other in case we lose comms. And I write Dave. Yep.

Dave. Bloader. Bloader. Your name is, remind me. Dale. Dale. Can we put a little parentheses under Dave and put Ashley just so we remember because it's going to have a hard time remembering who Dave is?

And then under mine where you put parentheses herb and then parentheses the worm? Very well. Hey Herb, where's the worm come from? You'll see, buddy. Okay. And with that, we all venture into this shit making the right stuff. It's a cool emotion. Hissing noises like.

Bye, Dory. Oh, I want to miss you so bad, but I get to watch you leave. So that's nice. So yes, Dory opens up. There is an airlock separating, you know, your ship from the VB Baller Bridge. Door closes behind you. You see the door mouth. You can't hear because it.

It's in the vacuum of space now, but it seems to mouth. Wait, okay, wait. Then it was as a, what does Dory look like? What does Dory look like? What does Dory look like? What did we take on our show? I was a cylinder. I was just a cylinder.

Is it like the knocker in the Puppet Christmas Carol? Is that like what is? Yes, it is the Stadler and Waldorf knocker from a Muppet Christmas Carol and has a horrible face on it. I'm looking at this thing. That's so good. Yes, so that is staring back at you mouthing something you can't quite make out. But when the door opens in front.

of you, you find the A, yes, you are in zero-g. And I never realized that, as I don't know if it's Waldorf or Stadler's chin, it's just balls, dude. Balls, dude. So it opens, so where you were doing your job? Go and do your job. You interrupted me doing my job to tell me to do my job. I interrupted me interrupting you to tell me. Okay, fair enough.

Okay, so you enter what looks to be a tube that connects the two planetoids. Actually, as you got close, you could see they are, in fact, moons. You see the bridge that connects the tube is about the size. of a subway tunnel. Okay. So you can move pretty easily in either direction, and other people are coming

the opposite way. It's a little bit cramped. It's a little bit... Oh, there's people. Whoa, what do they look like? Yes. So you see a lot of humanoids that are in space suits like you,

and then you see some squids that are not in suits like you at all. And the ones headed from Waller to Phoebe are holding what looked to be some sort of protective container that's translucent. It looks like an egg. Yep.

And it looks to be seen. You guys are about to commit mass murder. Like, you guys are one second away from venting out. I really wish you had done it. I was supposed to be people with babies. So yes, everybody's taking eggs towards Phoebe.

So people are doing it over there. Everyone stops for a second. And then the eggs come out fast, I guess. Yeah, I changed my mind. I can't lay eggs, man. Well, I mean, yeah. Okay. I don't know if I want to go to mating anymore.

Okay. What do you catch? I can't do any of that stuff. I don't know. You could fertilize the, never mind. Lila. You shout into your space suit. Oh, shoot.

Blend in, guys. You have a speaker in your thing, so if you want to project that out to everybody. I haven't seen a girl named Lila. You are surrounded by in this tunnel. In this tunnel, you see about, I want to say, 30, 35 people. They spot you and simultaneously

every single person, creature, any life form in this hallway, in this tunnel. Even the bugs? Even the bug, especially the space bugs. We do a crash tube on a space bug and he goes, he's looking at the camera. All of them turn to look at you, Dale. And in one voice simultaneously, it's not one voice, simultaneously all these different voices.

Let me. Make it safe for the edit. All these voices simultaneously turn and look at you and they say, hello, Dale. Oh. Oh, I think this whole station is a hive mine, right? What's their name? Their name? What's their name?

The luminous? Illuminous? Are they a hive mind? They're a hive vine. I don't know. We split my, bye. And they start walking towards you with their arms outstretched and you see their hands beginning to kind of liquefy and jellify in the same way that the people grabbed Lila in the first place

did. All right. I was going to scoop back to our ship. He's going to scoop back to the ship. I'm sorry, guys. Just kidding. I wasn't being careful. Dale misspoke.

He said, have you heard the song, hey there, Delilah. It's a good song. And we were wondering if anybody knows how to play it here. You have one moment to do one thing. We should get back to the ship. We should get back to the ship. We should get back to the ship. Yeah, we immediately scoop back into the ship.

We're going to have to wait for the airlock to cycle because I mentioned there was an airlock cycle sequence. So you press the button. The airlock opens on your side. Cool. And presumably you float into the air lock and are jamming the closed elevator door button. Any door do us if anyone close faster this time. This is the door for the break. I talked to that door.

Yeah, talk to that door. Doors. Door. You could say this one's a normal door. I could. If I wanted to be a normal DM. A normal door. Ah, she's shy.

What? Hey. Yes. Can you close real quick? We're in trouble. We need you to close. I can close only at my plea determine speed. If I go faster, there may be damage to my cell phones.

We need you to risk that. I'm Jean-Pierre Baguette. And I'm... Roll persuasion. I take the Sharpie and write it on his... So 13. I'm going to have it roll in sight in response. 11.

Okay. So it goes, wee. And it begins to close a little bit faster. And it goes, we. Trade B.M. And it goes, we. One of the people holding an egg very gently lets go of the egg and it sort of floats around in space. Grabbs the bulkhead and then launches itself at the slowly closing door.

So they're flying zero gravity. Yes, you were also when you went out there. Yeah, but we're inside the airlock? Yes. Dale wants to like, he can grab onto the wall or whatever, right? Yeah, of course. Okay, he's just going to kick it back. They don't have any strength.

That's interesting. We're not going to fall for the same science flaw that gravity has when George Clooney stops her and it's like they're still gravity pulling at him and it makes no sense because like the moment the tether would have hit, he would have been coming right back. It makes no sense. And I love gravity. So I'm just saying that I'm kicking the back. Okay. Give me a. Send him the sins over here.

Give me a melee attack roll. Ding. I'm not trying to do damage. I'm literally just trying to... Your kick still has to connect. Yeah, yeah, okay. This guy thinks that he could just kick. This D&D player thinks he could say this C word.

19 plus hit D.C is what you add, right? Yeah. Yeah, so 24. Okay, wow. Okay, so yeah, you very easily punt this thing back out the fucking airlock before it can even find purchase with its hands on the walls or anything like that. Good thinking, Dale. I guess a lot of this is not here.

We're just going to go to another star system. It manages to latch on with its fingies, but the door closes on them and just squashes them and seems to cut them off. And they turn into that same sort of pink flesh-colored liquid. I got to put it in something tight. Don't let it anywhere. Yeah, we got to be careful with that stuff. Don't put in our ship, I guess, because we're still in the air. Yeah, don't lick it.

Well, guys, you were, that was fast. Yeah. No, we couldn't find what we were looking for. No, I didn't. I called for Lila. I didn't think that the whole ship would be the hive mind. Weirdos. That's my phone, sorry.

Let's fly to another side of this. Yeah, I think we should go, we just try a different door. Okay, on Waller or Phoebe or somewhere else along the bridge. Oh, flip a coin. We have no other information on where this, the drone went or any of that stuff. I'll say you spend some time units,

scanning the outside of the Phoebe Bar Bridge and both moons. 10 hours into a JRP just landing new mechanics. Exactly. Oh, we got time units now. You got time units now. Okay, cool. Now I just think about Xenonauts. But you can, you can spend time flying around the ship

trying to find by sight the ship that you saw leaving Dave in bloaters. Because we don't have GPS anymore on it. The drone, yeah, they probably sloshed it off when they landed and realized like, oh, there's something connected to our hole. I'm sorry about your drone. Yeah, you can look at the feet and it's just kind of spinning. You're like the gadgetty.

You can probably go a new one, dude. It's a guarantee. You're like the rank or keeper in return of the jetline? You have flip a coin. Yeah, we should. Here we go. Well, you also have. multiple things you can do.

Are you going to go to one of the other ports at random? Or are you going to spend a not insignificant amount of time scanning the outside of the ship to see where that ship docked? This is important. And it only only been a couple of seconds. Do we get the sense that any alarms have been tripped or are there other ships looking for us now? Nothing you could tell now.

Okay. I vote we to spend time looking. Yeah. I agree. This is a big place. Okay. So you get back into the ship and the door closes behind you as scrap and wreckage managed to actually catch up to you.

And they are now. Scrap. Reggage. So it's kind of distant, but you hit. them and go, hi. Hey. Oh, they're getting closer. We'll just wait for them.

I don't want to yell. So you all just got to sit there for about 15 seconds while Scrabber, right, get closer. And now they're next to the ship. Hey, Scrap, wreckage. You try that tasty piece of wreckage we left behind there. Hey, I'm really sorry. Everybody, I made a little mistake. I was too excited to call it off Reliola, but I think I got an idea based off all the subterfuge

talk you guys were talking about. Oh, yeah. So Scrap. Dale made a little mistake. They know we're looking for Lila in here. I think we just fly away as fast as we can, right? You guys are talking with like engine signature? Like we just fly away.

Okay. Turn off our engine and can you guys just like swim us around here? Quietly. Like tow you? Like right? It's like a submarine where they're like, go quiet. Yeah. 5-7-1.

That's a good movie. That's a good movie. If you go quiet, that means life support. You're aware of that. Oh, well, we're in our space. We're already in our spacesuits. We're in space suits. Oh, great.

Okay. Yeah, cool then. No big deal. Delicate space suits. Punch it. Is that what they say, Ralph, in those books? You can kind of say that pretty much in any situation. Cool.

Punching. In any situation. Why it's giving birth? Punch it. Your ship, you put all the project of tower into the engines. And then you managed to get decently far away from the Phoebe Waller Bridge. And then you hear record go, that's probably good right there. Before, because we're going to have to be quiet after this.

We're looking for a ship that had Lila on it. So by, I don't know what that looks like, though. Yeah, who are hers what it looks like? Who could describe? Who's the best describer? Well, Ralph, you're a writer. He used words to describe the ship. It had a rusty quality to it, and it was bulky in a very bulkular way.

It was looked bolted together. That's enough, you're belaboring it. I know exactly what it looks like, now. It's like I'm there, man. We're at the window looking out. So, yeah. So scrap and wreckage go up to you on either side, So it's kind of like they're the bun and you're the hot dog.

And they start flapping their little fins and tails to sort of move you along the outside of the ship. Where are they flapping? It's a vacuumish piece. Yeah, I know. Sorry, let me give you that line again without a bunch of. What are they flapping? That was important. Keep all this.

Yeah, yeah. Drink it. You're almost there. You're almost there. Hungry boy's about to make a joke, everybody. Just got to wash that down. Our hungry boy, hungry for laughs and food in equal measure. but one takes presence over the other in this particular moment.

Hungry boys laughing. Sabi's got to say it's clean, otherwise we don't have an episode. I know I do a pickup of this. Anthony, what are they laughing? It's a vacuum of space out there. Damn, so good. Man, that's crazy.

They get it like one more time. They managed to take you around the outside of the ship, and you see that the ship seems to be docked at the mating station. the Waller Station. And if you want to, they can take you up to a airlock that's nearest to it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, guys are top, whatever they're going to do, Alila in there. Okay.

Oh, sorry, you should be quieter. Yeah, yeah, it's okay. We're going to. This is bad. Have you ever thought about staying like that? Rekid. Rekage, have you met the door? Well, you turned off all the power.

So even if I did, I wouldn't be able to talk to him. That's a shame. I think you guys would really hit it all. I think now is the time to take care of the doors and the power's off. No, I like the door, man. You're right, you're right. Okay, we're going to maneuver you into position at the airlock. They don't know you're here as far as we can tell.

So what would you like us to do? Just sort of chill here. You did plenty of wreckage. Can we start eating the station or... Oh, give you the side. Hey, oh, I don't know what to do. What if they eat our own hole into the side of the ship? Then we can come in from a different angle.

that's very cool a different angle okay explain the results I don't know I'm just something I think it's something interesting to do explain the results of that

I think you should eat their shit we should eat their engines can you eat their engines I think Scrabbit and recognition is enough for us I don't want to tell them how to live their lives

oh so now you're drawing the line I ask them a favor you get to do fun stuff with the fucking hungry boy doesn't like when Matt manages just to come up with some other stuff go on get

Go live your life now. Okay, so scrap and wreckage. No, what's your, I didn't mean to show it out. That was your ankle's idea. I was, I was sort of a starter idea. Oh, okay. It was sort of a what if. What if?

You know, we could, if, you know, scrap and wreckage, I bet that ship's got some yummy engines on it. Oh, I like that. You guys always get us the best scrap and no wreckage to eat. Yeah. And you know what? Here's a little something extra, and I'd like flick a bolt out the window. Wow.

I'll keep the change. That's like to make somebody in nickel, you dick. But all right, cool. And you see them go to town on the fucking engines. No, no, that's like tipping someone like a ritz cracker. I'd be stoked to get a ritz. Some loose ritz. Stay safe out there, Scrap.

You two wreckage. Scrap goes, we will. And wreckage goes, yeah, we will. In between mouthfuls of tech. Delicious fucking fusion drive. Oh, wait. Scrap wreckage. Yeah.

Eat whatever you want, but just do it a little bit away from our ship. Because I'm afraid, like, if they're like robots or something, and I come out and check, like, Wow, Matt, you're a little too late. You found him everything, Matt. Sorry, we're already eating it. Oh, man. If they notice we're doing it, they're going to see your ship really quickly, but that's okay.

So you managed to get into another airlock. What part of the barbell are we in? So you were on one of the moon orb looking things. It is a moon. And what you've docked with is sort of a, it looks to be almost like the top of a bunker. That's no space station. That's the space station. Correct.

So you dock with this bunker thing. The door opens inward. that same toxic gas comes out and you see basically what looks to be a, not a stairwell, but to like pull yourself along the rail well going down into the center of the We need to find the same

sort of spacesuits. Clearly everybody here is part of the hive mind, right? Yeah. So we got to just be cool. Yeah. We got to just not talk. Like we're part of the hive mind too. Easy. That means we all got to be on the same page. Yeah. Wow. Wow.

Cool. It is crazy. Let's all. You guys are such a good for us. Oh, man. Yeah. Okay. Let's go. Now.

Suits. No. We go to the hallway. I want to move very slowly. We can't let anybody see us because we don't double check my memory. Do I roll from every day? Everybody have the same type of suits in the bridge. You all have the exact same type of suits.

No, but in the bridge. Some of the people had suits on that looked like yours. Some of the people were just raw dogs. Oh, they said the same type of suits. Would our spacesuits blend in with their spaces? Oh, yeah, sure. Oh. Nice.

Just a universal. I'll just shop at the gap. Why not? That said, the people you saw didn't have, like, darkened visors. You could see the person inside. So they will be able to see your faces unless you do something about that. Oh. And we should cross out this Sharpie and put hive mind.

That's a good idea. That's a good idea. My wife wouldn't put hive mind on it. Famously, you can't wipe off his Sharpie. We cross it out. Why? You can wipe off a Sharpie on glass. But Ralph says he always carries an expo marker

so that if they realize he's not his wife, they don't need his autograph anymore. Oh, Ralph. If they realize I'm not my wife. Ralph, you should be signed autographs. You deserve it. Ralph, you got to be signing autographs with permanent marker. I don't know.

I didn't even do a good job describing the ship. I just said it was bulkiller. We found it. It worked. You're creating new words, Ralph, like Shakespeare, man. Shakespeare created like, 500 new words. That's true.

He did. I tried doing that. I tried coming up with some of my own words. I found making new words not difficult. I thought you could say something was real Swiss. That's actually pretty good. That's already a word, bro. No, but it means like something's real cool.

It's Swiss. Like, they're very neutral. So if something's like really cool, you're like, oh, that's giving Swiss. That's, I had the teens and teen sex would say, that's real Swiss. How'd that go over? Teen sex. Teen sex. Teen sex.

Teen sex. That outfit is Swiss. It's so Swiss. No, I don't like that. I think we should use. hunt and stay. For some reason, I feel like you can say that. As long as we don't show our visors to them.

Oh, I cast a disguise self. Okay. Oh, also, real quick, do we get a chance to fucking long rest on the ship? Did we get a chance to short rest on the ship? Are we doing it? Short rest probably makes sense. Short resting. Yum.

Well, the sharks were moving you around the outside of the ship. I'd say that's enough time for short rest, yes. I'm going to change my face to look like Jessica, I guess. Okay. And with that, I am out of level one, the spellful. slots. Okay, cool. So presumably you're going to head up the group as you sort of... Yeah, then you guys can stack behind me. Stack behind. As you

pull your way down. Turn in opposite directions and stuff. Just keep our face away. Sure. I rolled an 11 stealth. So someone will be able to notice that you're there, certainly, when they come across you. Because as you're pulling yourself down this poleway, which is occasionally lit with little lights, so it's mostly a dark tunnel except for these lights every so often. You see

another person coming the opposite direction. And as he gets close, he sees Jessica Messica. and I'm going to have him roll seven. Okay. So for a second, he looks really confused. Hi, I'm Jessica.

And then he nods and he just keeps going. Okay. He just keeps on moving. Okay. Wow, that worked. So you enter the mating chamber and you see a lot of fucking. Oh. Boy, a lot of fucking.

You see a bunch of glass cases, or they look like glass to you. They could be anything. Glass steel. That's painful. Transparent aluminum. And inside are species of all different kinds. Oh. You see two.

horse-sized horse-sized horses. Hey Ralph, maybe teen sex is here. Teen sex. Oh. They can be here too. You see what looks to be kind of two horse-sized praying. Although I do see two bugs fucking over there. Yeah. That's happening. There is teen sex, teen sex happening over there. Oh, wow. You see, well, it looks to be a couple of humans in one and you see that there are people in suits like yours. What are humans fucking in there? Yeah. And also some squids. What position? Reverse cow girl. It's really, you're going to say reverse cow. It doesn't look like either of them are having a good time. Okay.

Yeah, I was about saying, is this like a party? This is bad. Is this consensual? It is bad. And you see that they are being monitored. There's a control panel on each of these glass cages and either some sort of thing that doesn't look humanoid and is therefore not in a humanoid spacesuit or being in a humanoid space suit is manipulating the controls, writing things down.

And there is a shoot on one side of the control panel. And you don't know what any of that shit does, but that's what you see. It's clearly like forced mating. Yes. How big is this room? So this room is... It's like the center of a moon, right? Well, it's one compartment of the center.

About the size of the room. It's about how you use it. So in this case, it's forcing... About the size of a cafeteria and beyond where you came in. You know, cafeteria. And beyond a high school gymnasium. Beyond... You could just say basketball court.

There's a lot of different things you could do there other than a basketball court. Yeah, you play Pac-Man on the basketball court lines. Remember that? shit. How many species are fucking... The hell is happening there. A lot. Okay.

And are they interspecies? Is the inner species stuff going on? No, it looks like every species is matched up with its own thing. Noah's Ark situation. This is a Noah's Ark of fucking... Does there seem to be any product? Like, are they just watching? So they are watching.

I'm trying to figure out what they're doing and if there's any ways in, out, see... Can daddy wet his beak perhaps? Absolutely that. Can horny boy and hungry boy... They're cops. I think I know which one doesn't follow the rules. Two cops called Horty and hungry.

Dude, a buddy cop one's already and once hungry? Oh my God. You know, it's like we both have the same problem as just what we're hungry for. I'm still hungry though. Hey, stop eating my penis. As you watch and you were for now being ignored because you're at the doorway, you see that one of the species which looks to be like basically just

pretty big caterpillars one of them starts quivering and then you see some sort of liquid expel from the top of its head and sort of drip into the other one and it gets absorbed and you see the technician who's currently at that station really quickly move and turn a dial

and you see press the luck button what? Press the like button yeah sorry she leaves a comment This is an algorithm. They're trying to be the most popular porn in the galaxy. You know what? There is a camera attached to each one as well.

It's dark. But she presses a button, turns a dial, and a couple of needles jut out from the ground attached to tubes. Those inserts into both partners. And as they turn the dial, it looks like they start to age a little bit. Like hair starts growing. They grow a little bit more gray. And the pregnancy starts getting bigger within the caterpillar.

And then at a certain point, the person stops the dial, turns it back to zero. The caterpillar baby crawls out of its mother by sort of gnawing its way out, and then the wound steals itself back up. And then the technician presses a button on the console and a red light shows up near what looks to be like the prize shoot of a claw game. And the baby heads into there and the person grabs the baby and starts walking away with the caterpillar date. Can I search, do I see Lila here? Because also you said this is like the size of a moon. So like if it's just a side of... This is just one compartment within a basketball.

Presumably an underground facility. This is fucked up. We can leave. If she's not here, then we got a whole moon to search. So you see that she is not here, but... Role perception, actually. I got two. I'm too horrified.

I got a four. It was fucked up display. Anthony's created. I got a four as well. Ten. Wow. Yeah, you guys don't see shit other than... I'm like, who are these two humans fucking?

Who are those two? How'd they get here? I don't know. You could go ask them if you wanted to. So here's what I would like to do. I'm still disguised as Jessica Massacre, right? Yeah. I want to go up to the person at the controls, beeping and booping.

Okay. Is there a person at every species? Yes. Yeah. So I go up to the person watching the humans. Okay. And I say, boss says you're relieved. I'm here to take over.

So the thing turns and looks at you. There you go, Jessica. Bold. Bold. Roll. Roll performance or deception. Come, come, that's a 20. A 20?

15 plus 5. and they go, oh, that's weird. There you go. There's a charisma. I can't hear you. Jessica. Yeah, no. I see, but I can't.

I press the button, I say, Jessica. Oh, but no, I have my impression to hear. I got a cold. Is there some? Oh, okay. Yeah, you got to watch out for those. Where'd you get it? Space.

Oh, man, that sucks. All right. Space disease. I have star fluenza. Great. It looks like they're, neither of them was about to climax. So I'm just going to watch them. I'm like, hurry up.

Yeah, that should definitely help. So, yeah, I'm just going to go to lunch He has a climax. What has it been? Like two minutes? Two, three minutes? Well, it's been like, what? 40, 50 seconds?

Still going. Yeah. So he leaves, and you are alone at the control station now with the humans. Okay. So I want to do two things. Okay. Is there a button to, like, communicate with the humans? I'm like, it's okay.

You can stop fucking. We're getting out of here. The humans stop fucking and then look sort of all around themselves, like they can't quite tell where the voice is coming from. And they go, uh, why? Unless you guys are happy with what you're doing? I mean, it's kind of boring now. It's been a little while, but I mean, I don't not like it.

Okay, ma'am? How do you feel? That was me saying that. Oh, okay. I'm shy. Okay. I'm bored. I want to see if we can find any information on where Lila is.

Beautiful. Somebody roll me either data or technology. Someone with points in this. I got it. I got it. 8 plus 2. With that noise, you activated the Jeopardy board. I'll take.

where's Lila for 500? I got a 17. You got a 17. Whoa. Okay. Move over for Herb. Just like that scene in NCIS where they're both using the computer at the same time. So Herb, are you either by your sheer savantness or by pure luck managed to bring up what looks to be a schematic of this facility.

And you see a lot of these fuck rooms basically that are sort of connected to each other. But you also see one room that is at the other end of this particular. floor that is marked differently. It looks to be completely empty and dark. And it's labeled Lila. It might as well be. So her's going to point at that room and be like, hey, dare Delilah. Hey, dare to Lila.

Hey, dare. If every room is a fuck room except that room, we should check that room. We know what's in all the fuck rooms. Yeah. And like if she's in one of those, no chance of finding her. There's a lot. But like this, let's go to this room. Real quick.

I would just want to ask me, hi, it's me again to the humans. Why are you here? Uh, to fuck. And you signed up for this? Was there some sort of job posting? Yes. Well, they came to our planet, Revlon 9, and we were the hottest people. So they offered it.

You? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, on my planet, I am a 10. I'm a Revlon 9, 10. Wait, they just human beings on other planets? I mean, this is a very common form for evolved species to take. Interesting.

Okay, so you guys aren't humans. Far long ago. all the ugliest humans left to planet Earth. Oh my God. Well, in that case, just be you, have fun and be safe.

All right. Let's see if we can make reverse cowgirl work. You'll get in one of these days. Because you said there was zero gravity. Are all the people fucking zero G? No. It looks like there are artificial gravity

generators attached to some of the cabinets. Some of them are zeroG in zero. In zero G, if you're doing reverse cowgirl, it's like you're sledding. Nice. It's like she's riding that tobogging, you know what I mean? She's like, woo!

Yeah. I'm so shy still. Okay, so you... Hey, buddy, low advice. Stop saying that during it. Believe in yourself. All right. You're the hottest person on your planet.

Yeah, what's your problem? Well, that's part of my appeal is like my boyish, you know, shyness. We keep at it. If she likes it, keep at it. You know, I think you're right. All the losers and ugly people of her left. We don't have wars on my planet.

Just throwing that out there. Okay. Whatever. Nobody's getting their driver's license on that planet. So I think we should go to this. We would like to make our way. We'd like to make our way to the dark room. But we walk as if we're on official business.

Okay. So you walk. I'm going to just say we can ride your stealth and performance checks from before. We're standing here. It seems like we're in the hallowed ground of the hottest, horniest people in the galaxy. all different species

with rock and bods slamming into each other this is beautiful if you think about it I mean I would call it beautiful raw yeah I mean it seems like they're here by their own volition

fuck far I've heard the cruises are like that sometimes this is nothing like a cruise this is huh I mean there are pineapples on every single one of these cages by the way where's the buffet am I right

yeah where's no buffet there's cages it's like the buffet's right over there somebody's fucking the food. Oh, you managed to get past all the fuck chambers

and you see a closed steel door with two armed people in space suits outside of it. Okay, you guys get ready to unleash disruptive levels of violence. No, we can't. Just in case, I can't talk my way past. Wait, before we go, just take a moment. Because if we do anything to one of them, they all know it.

So we can't do anything. Oh, you're right. We can't, like, knock one out because it's just one person in the whole hive mind. Why don't we just ask if we can go in there? If we can get them to walk away. Why do we get them to leave the door? Oh, okay.

As I'm saying. That's what I'm going to do. Is it like the Kremlin in Mission Impossible for? It is exactly. Yeah, so there's the hallway. So we can peek around and they haven't seen us yet. So, like, if we could get something. There's four little spaces stacked up on the door.

Like we could get something to like make them come out and then go the opposite direction. We can walk in without. That's a good idea. I cast invisible on myself. Oh, okay. And with that, I've expended my last spell slot. Okay, you are invisible. And then what I would like to do is creep ever so quietly to the other end of the hallway.

Not going to be hard because of zero-g. You are now at the other end of the hallway nearest the two guards. They seem to be holding blasters. One of them seems to be of the same blue-skinned race of the guy that you killed back on McFadden Gate. And the other looks to be just made of hair. Wow. What kind of hair? Like a Muppet or like...

Like Cousin It from Adam's family. Okay. I'm going to cast minor illusion. I thought you said you're out of supposed to. That's a cantrip, bro. Whoa! All right, what is that illusion? Shit, can I do this while I'm invisible?

We'll say, I have not cast it invisible yet. I go to the other side of the hallway. I am going to cast an illusion of a sound of screams. And it's like, someone be like, oh, no, the people fucking escaped. Help! And they went to the right. And they went to the sound of my voice. Wait, everybody who works here is part of the hive mind.

Maybe say, hi, I'm a person fucking and I've escaped. Oh yeah. Yes, I'm like, yes, we've escaped from the fuck room. And now it's time to run this way. I don't think you have to roll for that. It sounds like the kind of thing that would concern them. So you see the guards look at each other for a second. And then they kind of look up and they're sort of paused and like trying to scan the other.

It doesn't look like anybody who's getting, huh. They might be worth checking out, whatever. So they start floating towards you. Okay, now I cast invisibility. So they turn and look down the corridor you wanted them to turn and look down. and one of them passed the other on the shoulder and then gives a thumb

to go back to that door while they go and investigate. So the one that's all hair is beginning to head back to the door. Okay. That's, I did my part. What do you guys want to do? I want to look,

are there any climable vents? You're in zero g, baby. Yeah. Every vent is climable. I guess swim. Are there vents? Like, are there,

is like an air vent in the ceiling? Yes. Oh, okay. Dale wants to float up and check out an air vent. Does it look like is air vent travels to the next part of the level? It looks like it travels to

every room in this place. Hey guys. This is air purification for specifically the toxic spores. Oh, I don't speak. I wave them. It's like up here. I want to wave them up there. Okay.

So are you leader? I'm the front of the vent. Do you want to crawl into the vent that it's above the dark out room? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm in the vent. I go through the vent in the hallway and then I'm going to, since we're so close, I should be able to show me into another vent. Okay, great.

Ralph is still down below. Unless you want a wall invisible go up there. I mean, just come up with us. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Then I'm just going to glide up there. So we've neutralized one guard is off on a wild goose chase

And the other one is on their way back to the thing But we've just gone up into a vent Yes I want to crawl until I can see inside the dark room The room seems to be completely empty Except for four chairs that look very comfortable A chair that Lila is in and her hands are No, she's not one of the comfortable ones

No, she's not in one of the comfortable one She's on like a stool Those monsters And her wrists are handcuffed together basically By some sort of sci-fi handcuff thing And you see the figure with the bird mask And the cloak is in an even more comfortable looking chair next to her.

So there's four comfortable chairs, empty, an uncomfortable chair. And then one incredibly comfortable chair. What is he reading? I bet he's like reading performatively. I bet he's not even actually reading that book. He's reading the immortal slow Savage Yard. No, he's reading Lolita.

No. That'd be crazy. He's not reading his head the whole time. He's reading a fucking hardy boy's novel. That's all you see down there. Everything seems pretty calm. Lila looks impatient slash angry. but mostly scared.

This creature is reading a book to her. No, he's not reading it aloud. He's just reading in silence next to her. And does this creature look like they condone or disagree with what the book author is saying? They're wearing a mask and also it's a detective novel for kids. Written by Nabokov. Written by Navakoff.

The case of the changing age. Oh, shit. Oh, right the eye with Hart D boys. Heart D boys. Oh, that's good. That's good. Okay. What do we do?

I don't know. It kind of looks like, you know, they're expecting us. Oh, the four chairs? Oh, I don't like that. That's creepy. I don't like this. This smells like a trap. Well, I'm still invisible.

That's good. I could float down there if you can open the vent. Oh, yeah. Ever so quiet. We could. Then we'll have an invisible guy in the room. That's helpful. So you're trying to slip in silent but deadly.

Silent but deadly. I could descend into the room. Can I try to unscrew the vent with my dagger? Quietly. Yeah, give me a stealth roll. Yeah, let's figure it one step at a time. 18. Ooh.

With a couple of tense moments where the threads begin to against the housing, you managed to get all four screws out and now they're kind of just floating in the... And you catch them before they hit the walls, I assume? As Herb is doing that, I want to study this bird mask person as carefully as I can't, using my perception of human nature. Okay. Checking, you know, Dale has a lot of experience like looking across the bar. So insight is what you're hoping to roll.

I'm like in a vibe, but they're actually reading the book? Or are they saying they're like, hmm, I already know they're up there. And I'm just enjoying this. I'm just enjoying this. Like, I'm getting a sense of like how long it takes for them to flip a page. And if like the pages start, you know, if it's inconsistent, I'm like, they don't change. You're not changing your, how fast you're reading that much. It's like, you know, I'm getting a sense.

I'm studying how they're reading this book. Roll insight, please. It's a three. No way of knowing. It's definitely reading still. Okay. my stuff is invisible too, right? Yes.

And Lila's, she's in a spacesuit like us, right? Yes. And this guy's reading the book. Yes. And he's not in a space suit. If he's not looking, he's reading a book. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do.

I want to use my Sharpie to write a message on the glass of her suit. Cool. And it says look up. Or I just put an arrow pointing upwards. Okay. That's great. I don't think you have to roll stealth for that. You're invisible.

No. It says look up. She looks. up. And she sees all of you. She sees the vent and she sees, presumably, some faces peeking down looking at her. And you see her get really excited. And even though her arms are handcuffed together, she sort of raises her thumbs as thumbs up to you guys. And then she gives you an incredulous look. Is she free to stand up or she tied to the chair? She can stand up. Okay. I'm just like, go up into the vent. Oh, okay. I'm going to, as she does that, turn off and visibility and sit in the chair like she was sitting, but looking down. Oh, shit. It's like there's a hot swap. Like he won't even notice.

as someone's left the road. That's dope as fuck. You're doing like the Indiana Jones. That's cool as fuck. Is there like a seatbelt in the chair? I just realized why are their chair? She had her foot tucked under her the bar. Oh, there's like little bars.

Yeah, all the chairs seem to be stapled to the ground basically. And there are like little places for your feet so you can like rest in them. Okay. And not float away. So give me one stealth role for all of that. I see here. I think I have inspiration, which I have not used yet. I got inspiration for some dumb joke I made in the previous episode.

I believe that, which is good because I got a two, so I'm going to burn this out. 19. Woo! The hot swap happens with a speed and a dexterity that Indiana Jones could only dream of. Had you been there, the idol would have gotten off the pillar and he wouldn't have had to run from a boulder. It's that beautiful. That other guy would be alive. No, I think he'd probably still be dead.

You could tell, like, as is having, like, the bird mask person is, like, literally finger trembling on the page. And it's like, I look, guys, like, no, Hardy Boys, don't you understand? And the real treasure was like, oh, he's turning the page and then swap happens. He's so into the book. Yeah, you time it on a page turn. Yeah. Oh, that's great. I know a good page turner when I see one.

So Lila successfully gets up, it grabs the lip of the open vent and sort of pulls herself in and looks down at Ralph and looks at the rest of you. And then sort of as much as she can within her space shoot with her hands together, she shrugs. As if to say, like, what now? I mean, we can't just keep swapping people out. Lila. Why four chairs? Because he said he was expecting you. No.

I thought so. I knew it. I knew it. Okay. But he didn't see that happen. So he's still expecting us. I'm looking down to see his raffle going up at us. No.

He's looking down. Yeah. I'm looking down. And you see me just like wave you guys off. Like just go. I'm going to try to unscrew the space handcuffs. Okay. What on Lila?

Yeah. Okay. Oh, nice. Yeah. That was my last spell. Otherwise I could teleport back up, but I can't. Wait. How would you get your spell slots back?

Oh, sure. Well, Long rest. We all just sleep. One hour. One hour nap. One hour nap. I think how long is a long rest? A long rest is eight hours.

How long will go? We can all stay up here. Debbie. Yeah. All right. All right. I'm going to go to sleep. Okay.

So are all of you going to sleep? No, I'm going to watch. You guys got to go. I know, no, no. No. No, you can't leave you. I'm going to watch because if this birdman comes to check in on you while you're sleeping, I'm going to, I mean, I don't know what we'll do, but like we can't just, yeah, this is Project

Hey, I'm watching you sleep. Like, I'm watching you sleep. Okay, so I'm going to roll for every 20 minutes. Every 20 minutes. It's eight hours. It's eight hours. I know. You chose to, you chose to be the bad guy's dead and sleep for eight hours.

I am not being unreasonable here. Every 20 minutes, I'm going to roll. And there's a chance that within that 20 minutes I do want to say one thing. Yes. During a long rest, you sleep for at least six hours and perform no more than two hours of light activity such as reading, talking, eating, or standing watch.

Okay, how do you want to divvy those up? So what I would like to do, I would like to use the Napoleon sleep method. To chop it up. The Uber man. All right, yeah. So like if I'm trying to maximize my rest. Sleep maxing. I'm trying to sleep max.

over the eight hour period like I'm basically just like taking a series of old man maps and then waking up every we have to do the math to figure out how many yeah but yes every so often I'm waking up to shift because I can't change my face into lila so I'm trying to like not have my face be shown I'm doing like some of these you know like that kind of sure okay so every 20 minutes we could do that is that can be a harder role or I don't know how to this in character soul is express or what we do is we do another hot swap put her back in there and then you sleep for eight hours in the vent because that's fine because honestly they're waiting for us. They're not going to do anything with Lila. But that's one rule. That's one more stealth rule. You can sleep up in the vent. And then we swap again.

And then you teleport out. Holy shit. So I guess at a certain point, if you're just going to teleport out, then you're accepting that you're going to leave. So that... Well, yeah, the other thing, too, is that if you wait. If you wait long enough, and even if they do catch you,

you just watch you take someone, you teleport as long as you get your sleep. Is there a way we can get a distraction for eight hours? I wonder if there's anything. I was so ready to roll a D20 24 times. Does anybody else have? Would it just be 24 straight stealth checks? What was it going to be?

It was basically going to be, I just Google how long an average Hardy Boys book is. And every 20 minutes I was going to roll D20 to see how far he had gotten. And if he ever reached the upper limit of what a Hardy Boy's book is, he finishes reading, puts it down and looks up. No, I feel like, and I think it's too granular about it, but I think what also happens is like the role should be at a disadvantage once they're like halfway through the book

because he's getting really into it and the story is like less focus. I feel like there's going to be a chance of like how good the Hardy Boy book is. First you have to roll for what quality of it is because there's a variation in quality of Hardy Best Books. So if we're going to do that, does anybody else have any spells or anything that can be helpful to Ralph shooting back up here? Well, Matt, it says here I can usually secure food and lodging by performing. I have danger sense.

So advantage on dexterity saving throws unless I have the incapacitated condition. I can run fast. Could any of us, all of this to avoid? One stealth check. No, no, because there's a saying, even if he just even if he flies up, but we're just going to get chased in the event.

We're just trying to think if there's any way. Don't forget, as Anthony said, depending on when he gets up here, right, there might be more Hardy Boys book to read. Wait, but wait, here, just give me one second. This is this, okay? Okay. Wait, is there a stack of hard.

Hardy Boys books next to him. There looks to be a stack of Hardy Boys books next to him, but... That's what I'm saying. There's only one stack. So is that once he's about to read? Or is that one he already has read? Okay. You start sleeping.

Okay. Let's just do that and then figure the rest out. Because if the stack is what he's read, then at some point, he's either going to get delivered more books or he's going to leave to get more books. So that's one thing. That's one thing to find. So let's at least wait for this one book. Let's at least play the percentage of it.

Let's play the book out. Let's play the book out. Okay. All right. Here we go. Hot dice. So I'm going to roll 24 times on a D20. We're not sleeping straight at eight hours.

We want to get to the end of this Hardy Boy book. Let's see how far we get. Hold on. How long list of Hardy Boy's books? No, I'm looking at right now. We're doing the secret of the old mill, and it is around 180 pages. That's it. Yeah.

How far is he into it already? I'm going to say he's like 20% of the way through it. Can you roll? Yeah, it's a good idea. This has a 3.9 on Good rate. So it's a pretty good hardy boys book. 15. So he's pretty far through it.

I'm going to say he's halfway through. Okay, so how is he got like 20 pages left? Halfway of 180 would be 90 pages. Okay. Okay. So he's got 90 pages. I'm going to roll a D20. 1.15 to three hours depending.

Every 20 minutes. Okay. So let's say he reads in 100 minutes. Oh, can I cast minor illusion to like try to give him to lose his place? Extend the ending. Can I just like, because I wake up every so often, right? Right. So can I try to like, you know, the.

There's like a noise and he's like, oh, that and he looks and then like, he's like, oh, shit, I lost my place. Where was I? That kind of thing where you've been reading for a while, but your eyes glazed. You're like, I don't remember. But I'm going to say that minor illusion probably requires to be looking in that direction. So you're going to have to raise your head and something's going to have to happen. Minor illusion, just end the book with To Be Continued. Because he's going to have to look for.

There's no, but there's no, he's going to have to leave to look for the next book. Holy shit. There must be, I must be missing the next book. So he's going to have to go to research. Even if the stack is the next one, he's like, wait, this can't be the next one, though, because this one's that to be continued. Where's the sequel to?

What was the name of the book? Secret of the Old Mill. This got to be an old mill. And put one other thing out, Matt. This is the third Hardy Boys book. So I feel like that could also mean that those books are, that's the stack that he has, unless he's going back. He hasn't right yet.

Unless he's, we've got to be a series. I must have missed one. There must be a sequel to this one. All right. That's solid. I'm going to try to wait till he's almost. at the end and then when he turns the last page, I'm going to put the words to be continued on that.

It's no matter of losing. Okay. I don't think I need to roll for how many pages he rolls then because you're waiting for him to get to the end. Yeah, he's staying awake. Yeah, we're not sleeping. Staying away. Wait, no, I know, but I still need to sleep max.

He's a whole point. He's slept for 40 minutes. He's awake for 20 minutes. Then there's a chance that you'll be asleep when he gets to the last page. Now, so I'm going to hang out. Okay. Let's do the map. I need to sleep six hours.

And you can do two hours of light work. So two hours of light work. So one fourth of your time can be spent awake. So that's two hours. So I'm going to take him like an hour and a half to read the book. What's left? So you can just stay awake. Maybe.

You don't know how fast he's been going. In that case, yes, I'm going to stay awake as long as I can. I'm going to get pretty sleepy. And I'm hoping that he is going to, I'm just going to watch him for now. An hour. Yeah. Okay. Give me one hour worth of rolls to see if he gets to the end of the book.

Okay. He is taking his time with his heart on his book. He is really drinking in every deep. detail about those two boy detectives and that milling secret chapter 10 the chase it's like listening to an audio book at 0.75 I choose to keep watch you can all

long rest I'm going to watch and I'm going to find like something like there's like the screw or something something that I can drop from the event onto on to Ralph in case nothing's going to drop it's zero gravity he flicked in case he's asleep

while he's the end of the book okay Jerry Gilroy and Biff Hooper I'm going to stay up for the second hour though Went with Tony. There'll be no chance because then you can't stay awake at all. You got to go sleep. You got to sleep for one hour. Ralph gingerly closes his eyes.

This is pulse-bounding D&D action, dude. This is the best the game has ever been. Okay. Give us a little bit more, Freddie. I'll go out in Dad's boat, volunteered Tony Preeto. Fine, agreed the others. He stops and he's beginning to turn the page

and then he goes back and says, wait, let me reread that. Because he is going, fucking slowly through this book. He's engrossed. All right, hour two. Okay, hour two.

Chapter 16. A plan of action. You got a natural 20, a two, and a seven. Which means what? Which means... What the fuck does that mean? What's going to happen? Explain the numbers, magic man.

Oh, boy. Actually, you know, I should be rolling a D-Henheim. That's why I should be doing. Oh. 72. Okay. So that's 72 pages he finishes. So the first hour, he was spending a lot of time reading the same eight pages over and over again.

So he's only got like eight pages left then? Yes. He's nearing the end. But it is the end of your hour as well. Yeah. But now he can stay awake for an hour. Okay, great. Yeah.

In that case, you are awake when he turns the page to the final page. And I cast my illusion. Wait, wait. What's the last sentence, Freddie? The cashier handed over two, four. $5 bills. Shet Morton seized one. Bid it. Bid it. Gazed reflectively at the ceiling for a moment, then gave it back to Frank. I guess it's good, he said. There's so much counterfeit money going around these days that one can't be too careful. Or can you? To be continued.

Yeah. Real pulse pounding cliff, I think. I mean rummaging through my books with all speed. I think you stop once he bites it. You erase the rest of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to give you one stealth roll for all of this because it's going to require raising your head. Casting a spell. Hoping that out of his periphery, you can't see the last page while he's reading the second to last page.

Yes. And then not turning to see you after he's done reading. All right. So give me a stealth roll. And then Ralph looks up. and he raises his hand discreetly and I'm going to make my stealth roll. And to be continued.

Thanks so much for listening and thanks also to Ben Yatsy Krosha for his VO work in the intro legend of legends. It was in fact Yatsi himself. He's got a YouTube channel Second Wind and an actual play show called Adventure is Nye. It's a series following groups of adventurers

journeying through the land, of Angund Ardi, a world full of magic, mayhem, and unfortunately named NPC's YouTube show with tabletop stuff. Check it out. Adventure is nigh on Second Wind. Also by popular demand, we are extending the deadline for submissions for our second annual Pride Zine. In honor of Pride Month, we're releasing a limited print zine, just like last year, to raise money for Lambda Legal. If you want to participate, we're looking for all kinds of art, traditional, digital, cosplay, and everything in between. And on top of art from all four main seasons, We love any art based on our bonus content. Sons and Sons Ability, Fetch Quest, KVM. You can use it all. If you want to support the show directly, support it on our Patreon, where you can get Shadow Dark Episode 2,

the grim dark, super crunchy RPG that Will is running. And episode 2, Matt joins in. And then last but not least, one more adventure, one final friend drops down. Who we got? Matt, tell us. You got Lyris, the elf witchborn and she goes

Oh hello! Don't, what a shame. Whatever you do, don't speak to my flower. What? What? You have a flower? I say the ocean tastes like tears. Don't speak to it.

It's a line. What did I just hear? What did I just hear? I'm sorry, Matt. The ocean tastes like tears? Hard stop. What's happening? Yeah, what the fuck?

All that and more. Bonus episodes, bonus content, just a lot of stuff to listen to. and watch at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Dungeons and daddies is Matt Arnold is Dale Elliott. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Ralph Estereas. Beth Mayas, Herb, the Worm, Quigley,

and myself, Freddy Wong, is Ashley Burch. Our theme song is conventional wisdom by Max and Waller. Andisa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Blood is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther else is our lead editor, Travis Reeves and Omar Romulino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. Our intro this week, voiced by Ben Yatsy Krohaw.

And special thanks to our. Patreon supporters. People like Aaron Nash, Lassie Henson, Jay Sellers, Bixie Blackspark, Justin Stevens, Adam Bransky, Kenan Murphy, Aaliyah Fleaner, Banks 8, Cammy Martins, Michael, Jonah Ryburn, Reibern, Rob Main, Enrique Botelo, Gay Shark, Voice of Cain, Andy Hill, Miles Gardleman, Anna, and Ali Pratt. Support this show directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Merchantmore at Dungeons and Dads.com. In our next episode, May 5th. We'll see you then. at seven.