Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 7 - Vent Horizon

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Alexa order the latest Hardy boys please my credit card number is 4242 5743 3089 7611 exp 02/20 ccv 942This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Listen to all of the Dungeons and Daddies intro songs [at the free membership tier and above on Patreon] with Now Dads What I Call Music!Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. All right, boys and girls, if you can hear me clap once. If you can hear me, clap twice. If you can hear me clap three times. Good. Now, boys and girls, today we'll be continuing to practice our popcorn reading on the brand new Hardy Boys Adventure. Where were we?

Chapter 6, Mrs. Robinette. That's right, Billy, take it away. And we'll switch readers every paragraph, so pay attention, everybody. The outer hatch cycled open. Joe stepped forward carefully. And yet, someone managed to send a distress call. Or wanted us to think they did, Frank replied. The corridor beyond was dim,

lit only by the ghostly glow of what seemed like animal enclosures and accompanied by a dull, repetitive sound. with a wheezy breathlessness that stopped the hardy boys in their tracks. Frank drew up short as the corridor widened into a row of glass-fronted chambers. Joe, tell me I'm seeing this right. Inside the nearest enclosure, two squids with horse heads rocked rhythmically atop a squeaky but well-maintained mattress, occasionally whinnieing, as they're fucking near to crescendo. a little later in the chapter, boys and girls.

How about the next page, Caroline? Their backs were glazed to a perfect chain with sweat and a veritable river of love-making juices. Next page. Annie, you go. The flexibility of both bodies, a tangle of limbs arching in pure, sexual wrap. How about Toby?

Wasting no time, the smaller humanoid thruster pulsing claw into... And that's enough popcorn reading for today. Come on. I'm just going to close this book. So, will the Hardy Boys finally meet the mysterious figure in the bird mask and the four mysterious elderly and decrepit monsters waiting in the vent above? That's to be continued. Ooh, that sucks.

This ending sucks. I'm learning so much. Tune in next chapter for The Hardy Boys, the Phantom of the Fuckfield. Why did I think this book would be okay? Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, or perhaps we should say, grandpas and galaxies, a grand space poppera about Fort Yills, who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids, and maybe the whole known universe in the process is D&D with a dark matter twist.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with an E, Birch like the tree. Born in 64, Ashley Burch is the youngest boomer, a twin galaxies gamer who's turned a gadgeteer, who's also a Twitch streamer. This guy's got dimension. This guy's got so many layers. The fact for Ashley.

Yes, tell us. I misspoke. I must learn more. I misspoke. I said his HOTAS setup while anyone who plays Star System knows that the preferred arrangement

is a host sauce. Hands on stick and stick. Yeah, it is. I paused for six. Two sticks. But imagine that the stick. in this case are penises. How many hands you got?

Or a VKB gladiator at XT Evo Omni throttle for your left hand with a 90 degree mod on it. If you use your right hand on the gladiator at XT. Evo Omni throttle, it feels like someone else is piloting your starship. You know what I mean. If you just use your other hand. If you just use your other hand, it feels like somebody else. Yeah, bro, don't you guys all have alien limb syndrome? Yes.

It feels like someone else is jerking you off when you use the other hand. VKB, Ashley's stick of choice owing to their high quality construction, great driver flexibility, and the fact that they can ship from the U.S. VKB is also Freddie's choice as a good middle of the road. Fucking Freddy's getting ad deals on the side, dude. I guarantee you VKB is not hitting us up for anything I say on this. A little fact about Dale, he loves Lego. So he has the Lego streaming channel. Actually, he's working really hard if he could just get some free labels.

He loves Brazzers yearly pass. A little thing about Beth is that she's having sex with the whole cast of the pit. That's so crazy. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Dale, ex-life, Guard, World Cruz, Lovin, Grandpa, who's now living that monk life, widow of one, father of four, grandfather of seven, and friend to all. An army of two. An army of two.

A little fact about Dale here. I wanted to talk about one of his biggest regrets, which is his body count. He never got to triple digits. Close. Close. But the last day, oh, sorry, saving people in the ocean. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So he saved, he has saved 98 people. And he calls that a body count. That's very good. The body's got out of the ocean and they're still alive. So you counted. How is he found himself in the situation to save 98 people? He was a lifeguard for, like, his entire life until he retired. So actually, I was looking at, like, if you're an ocean lifeguard at, like, a high populated area and you're there for long time, you can make pretty good money.

You can get to, like, $100,000 a year. Wow. You know how to swim. They give you a bunch. Now if you're really lucky. If you never get called, you don't have to. That's a fucking 80s comedy. It's like, this guy needed a little extra money on the summer.

If you're really lucky or you're really unlucky because there's, like, big sharks that are completely destroying the bodies. And they're like, there's nothing. I could do it. Yeah, just really confident. You get to the edge, you go, couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. See that shark. You can't suspect you can't swim, so you can pull it off.

Fucking. Couldn't do it. He did save three pregnant women, so it's kind of up to your religion, whether or not he got to that triple digit or not. But 98 people. Maybe in this adventure he can save two more people. How many people is he fucked, though? That's between him and the over hundred people he's fucked. Hi, everyone.

I'm William Campos. Will, not your legal name. Ralph Astereus, he is a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died slash radiation freak. And my ralphatheaval fact this week is that Ralph is the first person. Chris Angel, radiation, freak. Do you hear about what Chris Angel got cancer? It was really sad. But then he did his special radiation.

He called it Chris Angel radiation. He came from his own body. Where he signed up for chemotherapy and his cancer went away. You got to ring the bell. But then when you looked, there was nothing in the bell. How did it ring? How did it ring? Mind freak.

So, my mind freak fact this week about Ralph is that Ralph is the inventor of the phrase media literacy is dead. Wow. He was the first guy to ever say media literacy is dead. And it was in response to one of the teen sex books that they did, wherein cool kid Anton Carpenter becomes a carpenter ant, of course. He like drunk drives. And in the book, The kid drunk drives. The kid drunk drives.

And so like in the book, like, he's the cool kid. And then he drunk drives. But it's like you're supposed to understand that like, this is showing you that Anton's going down like a bad path. But like nothing bad happens because he drunk drove. And a lot of people got mad because they were like, you're making it sound like drunk driving is cool because the cool kid did it. And then he was like, media literacy is dead. And then someone said, say that again. And the internet did.

Wow. Okay. But like, is drunk driving cool? Media literacy is dead. And those characters you like, you weren't supposed to like them. If you think that guy was the hero, you're wrong. You're wrong. If you thought Tyler Durdon was cool in Fight Club when he were 14.

Reading Lulita doesn't mean you agree with the main character Lulita. Unless you're Bradley Cooper, you are reading it with your 21-year-old girlfriend in a park. Does it agree you agree with the main character, Lulita? Hi, I'm Lulita. You're probably wondering how I got here. Loretta, I'm bad opinions. Is she the main character? No.

No. Yeah, exactly. She's not. The guy is. Yeah, but you said the main character combo. Yeah, you don't condone the main character, Lolita. Again, once again, once again, that's your Bradley Cooper. You're reading it to your 21-year-old girlfriend in a park in a public place.

Wild thing to do. You got to know. You got to know the obvious. I don't know. Even if you were just a big fan of that book and you think your girlfriend should read it. I'm reading this for the correct reasons or something. I think it was a troll.

Yeah. It's a real self-own of a troll. Well, you know, not everybody can do trolling well. Speaking of, I'm Beth, May. I don't really have a trolling joke to... Whatever. It's okay. Where's waiting for you to introduce your character?

Okay, yeah. No. My character on this podcast is Herb, the Worm, Quigleggling. a young at heart barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. A Chris Angel Mind Freak fact about Herb is that during Herb's brief stint as a pharmaceutical rep, he actually lost money doing this famously lucrative job because when trying to convince doctors to take the samples and the pens and stuff, he was like, look, I'm not going to recommend anything that I wouldn't try myself. And so we tried every single pharmaceutical product. And he

wound up in the ER multiple, multiple times. With the cast of the pit. With the cast of the pit. And Noah Wiley, who plays the pit, he gave everything. He gave everything. And so, yes, he actually lost money doing that job. And it found out it wasn't for him. What an inspiration. I'm Anthony. I'm your granddad. Hi, granddad. Hi, Pap. Oh, what a shame. Oh, Taylor just came back for a second. That was fun. Oh, he did. My epigram. Grandpa doesn't hug us.

No, Grandpa's a hug. Yeah, Grandpa held a 1911 during World War II. You think that's a hugging kind of guy? The only thing I'll hold with any amount of decency is my belief that the South should have won. Yeah, Grandpa's a kind of guy who thinks 45 ACP is the only caliber you have to have for pistols. Crazy, Grandpa. It's really old. It's like, Grandpa, the meta has moved on.

Grandpa, the meta is actually more rounds. And he's like, get out of my line. Take it out. In my day, people do you want to aim. The epigram for today is, that was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again.

That's shocking. Sarah Desson, it's from a Y.A. novel whose name I did not write down. Where do you find that, then? That's pretty good. I googled death quotes. Okay. Don it always seem to go. I love when Freddy does.

as a reference and you can tell that it's the Counting Crows version. It was. A big yellow taxi. It was. It was. The last night out of screen door swing. The drum hits. Fucking good. Good shit. Back in the day. Yeah, that's a good cover.

It's a good cover. I'm so glad people don't sing like that anymore, though. Raining in Baltimore. When we last left you, you had headed into the Phoebe Baller Bridge mating slash hatching facility. and you had found the same dude in the mask seemingly that you saw at the hollow suites. You were looking for Dale's granddaughter, Lila. She was handcuffed in a stool sitting just behind the reading guy in the mask.

And your expert plan was to swap Dale's granddaughter Lila for Ralph Estereus. Yes. Then wait eight hours for him to get his ability back so that he could teleport back out. Yes. But then we. But then you changed the ending of the Hardy Boys book that the guy was reading. that said to be continued to distract him a little bit. Then Ralph tried to move.

And if you listen to all of last week's episode, including the little stinger that was, I'm assuming, like three seconds after the music started playing, you would have known that poor Ralph rolled a seven or an eight as he was attempting to stealthily escape this room. And with that, the creature in the mask turns almost over his shoulder and looks, he goes, oh, hi, Ralph. Hi, I'm Jessica.

Just got it's me, Jessica. Wow. Is everybody where are you? And then he follows your gaze. I'm looking straight at him. Yeah, yeah. And he's looking into your eyes and he's going to try to read you. He's going to roll insight on you.

Is it a roll a counter roll? Just so I understand. Yeah, roll deception. Did Will get his spell slot back? No. No, it has not been eight hours. No, it's absolutely not been eight hours. I'm out of ammo.

I have no spells. Okay, he rolled a 20 on his insight check. Oh. You got to have to beat that with deception. Here we go now. Nothing wrong with me. Something's, got to give.

No, I got a night. So he goes, okay, so they're and he looks around and he sees the vents. He goes, oh yeah, okay, yeah, that makes sense. You guys can come down now, if you want. Run! Get out, go! I have a way for you to travel faster than light. I'm still

scooting backwards in the vent. Because I can't turn around, but I go, they'll stay in quiet, but he's just watching. He knows, he knows that a lot of times they're playing high and seek, somebody says, I saw you, but it doesn't mean you saw them. We already traveled faster than light. See, you can't See us.

Firstly, thank you for responding to me. I appreciate that. We're not in the vent, though. We're not up there. Where are we? We're not here. Far down the venue. Shut up.

We could appear anywhere. That's what Ralph did. Just so you know that the dance is up. Like, I know you're here. And that means everybody else in the station knows that you're here. So you might as well come out if you want to. Well, you don't have to. It's whatever.

But no, I have a way for you to travel that doesn't involve any time dilation. If you want to sit down and talk about it. Well, I don't, I don't, um, what is it that you want? from us because I you know Hey when somebody offers a deal That's too good to be true There's no reason for you to help us also I don't like what's going on here

Like in this whole place Seems pretty wild I mean no judgment But I'm judging a bit Consensual Everything you see in there is consensual It's still consensual or not It's odd

Well that's judgmental It's pretty judgmental It's a space station They didn't seem happy though What you're talking about It's their job Sex workers work I don't know what to tell you

I'm not judging that. I'm saying that's two space stations put together to make, I don't know what it is you're doing, but it's for war, right? No. Yeah. No. Oh. I mean, it's for war and as much as like making food is more. What are you doing? Now you got to explain to us. I got to know. It's interesting. Different species have different types of protein that they can metabolize. Okay. So we're basically, you know how you're from Earth? Like way protein, pee protein, pee protein out of your pee? No, I'm Actually, if you have protein in your urine, that's actually assigned to something could be wrong.

Oh, shit. I didn't mean I got pee protein. I wouldn't ever. It was just like the vegetable. I'm assuming that's her. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't put it in my milkshake. Okay, that's her.

Yeah, no. So different species have different dietary needs. And so the most ethical way of going about that is making basically eggs for different species that they can then, you know, eat. Oh. So this is like a big farm to make burgers. But if every type of burger,

anybody because you got to do with all the different animals all different creatures all different species yeah so some people like to eat humans yeah okay wow okay wow really makes you maybe I should have been vegetarian now that I think about if I was on a farm to be made into me burgers would I want people to be eating that I get it now I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I got her now she's up here you don't we're stuck in the van and I'm down here and we what what is happening we're up here you're down there I'm down here all right I mean you're you know, gigs up, I guess. Let's talk.

I'm going to go out and get down there with you. Yeah, we're going to come out from wherever we are. Yeah. Why don't you close their eyes so you don't, I don't want to spoil how we got in here. Yeah, I'll go ahead and reread the end of this book again. Yeah, after this quick, this quick grandpa huddle, Dale, Ashley. Hold on.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, listen, I think I'm as important.

Gordon is the next guy, right? But, like, what could this guy possibly want from us? Lila, any thoughts? I mean, this guy is effectively the de facto head honcho of the luminous. So, I mean... And you're not working for them now. I am. It just generally, he doesn't show up unless something really fucked up is about to happen.

And I had a suspicion. He thought I might be a spy, like a double agent thing, which is why I ran. And that's definitely what he asked me was a lot of, like, are you a spy type questions? Only a little bit of... But he didn't. kill you. She touches herself. No, I'm still, I'm still here.

I think we just got to go down and talk because there's, it's like we can't, they're everywhere. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. They're everywhere. It's, it's nice that somebody's paying attention to us. I guess that's one way to think about it. And Ralph's down there. We can't leave Ralph, especially he was so brave.

He was, he was very, very brave down there. Thanks, I wish it had worked out. Yeah, it was a good idea. Hey, maybe it did. We don't know what kind of opportunity we were about to do. We come out of here on top for all. we know. Yeah, hopefully you'll be happy that I spotted you. Oh, all right. Well, I mean, I guess, yeah, for lack of better options, Dale's going to climb down. You can't still try to escape if

you want to. I don't mean to DM railroad you in. No, I think we were we got, we got, we got caught. We rolled dice bad. Okay. Now we're, we're intrigued. Yes, he does not know. Wait, before I come down, though, I don't make sure you're not going to hurt Lila. I'm not. Okay. Like any of you, I don't know how to say, we will not hurt Lila. I want this like to be like a trick. I say, you only go not me and then like one of your other people we the hive mind royal hive mind we okay royal hive mind we will not hurt like all right well you know lily you feel good going down there uh no oh you want to stay up here all right lila's gonna stay up here okay that's fine bobpops got it i can go down thanks grandpa so wait he doesn't know that ashley's there he has not at least spoken directly to

actually he probably assumes actually is with you but he hasn't heard ash because ashley's way down the fucking event okay which would be a great place for freddie to die again no no frank is stay up there Maybe get a little extra. Our ace in the hole. Yeah, I'm staying up there. Out of sight, out of mind. Okay. He's going to climb down too.

Okay, so he sees the three. He goes, where's the other one? Where's Ashley? Lila's up there. No, I know Lila's up there. Where's Ashley? No, that's a sort of subject. I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, we know, but he didn't want to be with us anymore. One of you rolled deception. Are you better at it or be? Let me look. I think I'm pretty good. I just feel like Matt was the one who said it. I'm plus three, actually. Okay.

But I rolled a one. Okay. Okay, so he's up there. He's up in the vent too. Oh, now that you say, now you mention it, he's probably there still. Ashley, you can come down. I mean, if you want to, you don't have to. Technically, I don't know where he is because now I don't see him.

Because you don't see him, yeah. I don't know where he is like emotionally, you know? He's kind of hard to pin down sometimes. We got to open up more. I'm not moving or making a sound. Sorry, I'm not a fan of that. All right. So, hey, faster than light speed.

That's great. Yep. That sounds exciting. Yep. Why did you take my granddaughter? her because I needed to see if she was a spy leaking information to the IBS. Okay. And I am relatively satisfied that she is not.

Okay. I don't know if that's good or bad. I mean, no, for you, it's good. It's still not really. It's also good for Lila because I would have to kill her. Yeah. Okay. Oh.

Well, great. Well, she's not. Yeah. So. Everybody wins. Well, actually, everybody can win if you want to join. If you join the luminous and he gestures at the sort of space around him as if to say all this, then you will have the ability to try.

travel faster than light without any time dilation. And in order to join the luminous, you just have to complete a mission for me to prove that you were worth having around. Wait, and if we join the luminous, does that mean we're part of the hive mind? I'm so glad you asked. It is entirely your choice, but yes, the thing that travels faster than light is thought, is sort of psychic energy. So right now, I can communicate with the other parts of the hive mind that are scattered

around the galaxy. It's just, it's almost instantaneous. It's faster than light. So if you joined with the hive mind, you would be a part of the hive mind, but you'd still retain your individuality that you could access whenever you wanted, but you could also communicate with anybody else. And then you could essentially anywhere that one of my parts is sort of teleported there. Is there somebody of you with your grandkids? I mean, I guess that feels like that's kind of what this person's saying. Yeah, I see where everybody is.

What? Well, are they okay? Yeah. Wow. I mean, your kids aren't. But your grandkids are fine. Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean by that? You can see Rouse grandkids?

Yeah. You can see Asia? Right now. Aha. Yes, I can see aha. Why do I keep getting that wrong? And they're 10 years older. Correct.

But then when you last all the year. So you're saying if I join whatever is going on here, I can teleport somehow to aha. Yeah, you can basically materialize your mind and shape into any existing sculpture I have on any of the other plants. We call them sculptures. I'm the sculptor, not to humble Brad. Are there multiple people that can use the same sculpture? There's only one sculptor and everybody else's sculptures and I'm in everybody and everybody's in me. So how do we go into a different one? You would just ask that element of the hive mind and if they consented, which they would, you would essentially swap places with them. And then they would be in my body? How what happens

to me? What happens to Ralph? You would go where they are and your body would morph to whatever you wanted it to. But what would happen? So you guys met Jessica Messka, right? Jessica You remember how when you met her, she had a completely blank face. And she, like, scratched facial features on herself. Watch. And he pulls out his hand and pulls the cloak back a little bit and then just grabs the center of his arm and just pulls it. And, like, goes down like he's fucking yuffy from One Piece.

I get that. Yeah, okay. Flesh is subjective. Matt sat up in this seat. Yeah, whoa, okay. Sounds like my boy Monkey D. Loofy. Yeah. Regardless, I would turn into a bendy man like you.

Yeah, more or less. And then I would beam my consciousness into another bendy body next to my granddaughter. With the added advantage of being able to share thoughts with anybody in the hive mind. Well, I don't know if I want. I mean, it sounds like you want information about things. I have that. That sounds very intimate. Don't offense, sir, but you don't seem like the type of person who I'm getting Faust vibes, as the kids say.

I think the kids would call this Faust maxing. Yeah. So I think that maybe there's going to be some sort of catch that I'm not quite comfortable with already. I'm pretty uncomfortable with a lot of what you've already said. Okay, well, I'm glad because that's basically the catch is what I already said. It's what you are right now, the muscle, the bone and the blood, that kind of stops existing. But your mind goes on into me and then you can reform something that looks like that body pretty much anywhere. And then can we go out.

Oh, go ahead. So technically, depending on how religious you are, you could consider it dying. I wouldn't. I don't because I'm here. Well, but you're also the one who's in control. So, of course, you're not control. But you could die at any moment. The luminous, they're the ones that want to bring their people back, right? Exactly. Yes. A good thing, right? Can we all agree?

Good to bring back people who died unjustly? I heard something. One of the other people from them did your arrivals at the IBS said that there was something called the law of equivalent exchange would be at work. You listen to everything everybody tells you? I listen. I don't. I listen and I try to remember and now I'm asking you about it because it seems like if this is a thing where you're going to bring a bunch of people back, but a bunch of people are going to die, the very least morally it's a wash. Okay. Are you okay with doing things that are morally a wash? At the very least, I said it's a wash. That's the starting proposition is it's a wash. And it contravenes many of our ethical and moral teachings that we've presented on worth, you know, with regards to. I was hoping they hadn't told you that before you got on the ship. Because yeah, they found out a little. bit before you traveled.

So I was hoping maybe you didn't know showing up. But yes. Yes. Okay. Some people, basically there's only so much sentience that can exist in the universe at any one time. Whoa. Who came up with that? I don't know.

Yeah. Is God real? Yeah. Is that real? Like, who did that? Who was I praying to all those years? I don't know. Something happened at the beginning, but nobody knows.

That's why people are still scared of death and, you know, don't want to die generally. So is it the same sentience? I mean, one could. argue. It's like, you know, it's the star exploded and its molecules make up, you. Like, are you the star? I guess technically, but. So one more question. Will I be me? And when you say you're not in charge, this is, I guess, two questions. I'm sorry. And I have a comment at the end. Which I'm just, you know, I'm just having a few questions that would be slightly quicker. It might answer some of your

questions through showing rather than me just expositing at you. Okay. Okay. Hey, it's your show. You do what you want to do. Okay. Jessica did this to you, so you're not used to this. Oh, this again. The thing he's in the brain. All right. Wait, we should have him do it to one of us So that the rest of us If he tries to do any malarkey while he's in there, we can, you know, in or I guess I just kind of volunteered.

All right, do it to me? I want that trip again. Do you want all of you? I want to do it. All right, well, you guys do it and describe it to me. I don't know if I tried to start. Okay, so you put that three fingers because Ashley still refused to come down from the event. I mean, Ashley, you want this?

No. Ah, shit! Shit! I'll find. I slither out like a turd. Okay. No, no, no. I go out and then you see the top

at my head, then the head goes, dips down, then the rest of the body goes, and now I'm kind of like down for it, and then I do an effortless front flip, and I go, uh-ta-da. Roll dexterity. That's crazy. Oh, there's no gravity. Just roll acrobatics.

No gravity. You're old. There is gravity. You said no gravity in here. There's no gravity. Six. You basically fall very slowly. You eat shit at like 0.2 speed.

You just got the rotation timing. a little bit wrong. And you gunk your helmet on the ground and it cracks a little bit. Oh shit. Hey, is this going to be a problem? Only if you go out into the places where there is air for non-oxygen breathers,

which is most of the ship. So yeah. But whatever, I can get you another. Hesley, is your head okay? Because Ralph told me that some people with head injuries, they go crazy.

I think I'm fine. All right. What is? I don't like any of this. I don't like any of this. Let that, Let me put on the record. Okay.

You don't have to do this. I'm giving you a choice. That's the worst kind of thing that a fucked up guy really says. Would it be less scary if I said you do this or I kill you? No, I'm going to do it. I want to do it. I'll just do them. Hey, guys, when are we going to be back here?

Yeah, exactly. I mean, come on. Went in Rome. Yeah, put them in. Put them in. I want to see what's going on. I think we'll talk. He sticks his pointer finger into Dale and his middle finger into Herb and he looks

the other two with his fingers up like as if, hey, it's on your, It's on you if you want it or not. It'd be pretty crazy for you not to do it, Ashley, since you came down here and hurt yourself just to do it. Just the old one in the think, one of the think. And this will not alter anything and that can come back to, all right. I mean, they'll alter in as much as like you know stuff you won't know before. Just like life. Yeah.

All right. Splute. Now it's just Ralph. Ralph shakes his head. I'm not doing it. Okay. That's fine. One guy standing in the corner of an orgy.

Three in the think, one in the pink. So in your mind's eye, you see the sculptor talking to what looks to be Jessica Meska, clearly still in mourning over the death of her child. And he lays it out by creating a 3D hologram of, well, it's not hologram. He's made of meat. It makes a 3D model of meat out of the universe. He just rips off his arm and then uses it as clay to sort of illustrate the planets. And he says, this planet right here, this one was destroyed because their sun just expanded randomly.

He points to another. He says this one was totally peaceful, and they were all annihilated when one of the slaver races from the dark forest worlds escaped their envelope and then just took it over and killed everybody or took them into slavery. This one, a plague came out from an asteroid randomly. This one, an asteroid just destroyed it. And as he points at each of these planets, they all kind of like shrivel and shrink and die a little bit. And he says, now on the other hand, here are planets. And he makes another set of planets on the outside orbit of these planets that are shriveling and dying. And he says, oh, this one, this one's the planet that the slavers come from. This one's a warrior society. They don't know anything other than war. This one is a sentent plague that just infects different planets that are nearby and destroys all the life on them.

He points out a bazillion different little things and a bazillion different little planets. And he's just saying things that you don't understand that seem to be proper nouns that maybe equate with fascists or particularly evil people that ruled those planets. He does mention Hitler. What if the spark gave us the power? And I know that it does. I don't know why I'm saying what if. But there's only so much sentience allowed in the universe. So what if we took all of this sentience that still exists out in the dark forest,

these people that subsist on their own, but are basically doomed anyway because of their own natures or because of the way that they fucked over their planet's ecosystem or any of that kind of stuff? What if we took all that life and just gave it to the people who deserve it? And in that moment, all the planets on the outside shrivelin die, all the dark forest plants sort of turned into little raisins. And the cool planets on the inside full of good people who died by circumference. sort of swell up like grapes and are back to the original size.

And he says, the thing is, we all know enough about the universe now to know that it's chaotic and it doesn't care about us and bad things happen to good people and bad people succeed in many environments in which they don't deserve to succeed. What if we have the power to carmically balance the universe to actually reward kindness and empathy and to punish aggression and hatred? Why do those people get to live just because they are, violent by nature, whereas kind people have to die because an asteroid hit them. That's not fair. But we could make it fair. We could bring back everyone who died for no reason. There are so many

planets that died for absolutely no good reason, didn't deserve it. And there are so many planets that live that don't deserve it. And he throws out his hands to Jessica Mesca, and he says, are you in? And she grabs hold of his hand, and you, within his memory, feel the essence of Jessica Emeka, enter your hive mind. And now she's one with the sculpture. And then he takes his fingers out from your brain. But surely even people on a bad planet aren't all bad? Oh, yeah, definitely.

And I feel bad about that. Sorry, yeah. And I feel bad about that. I forgot the next part. What is your name again? What can I call you? Call me the sculptor. Okay, sculptor.

The sculptor. I don't super remember my original name. Okay. Yo, this sounds great. crazy. Most big ideas are. And, you know, above my pay grade, I'm just a lot of his grandpa, right? Yeah.

And I've lived a good life. I've been having a good time. Do you have kids? Uh, I don't. Yeah, you got a lot, I guess, or kind of. I mean, I have a lot of like sisters and brother. Not, I didn't have kids before all this stuff. No.

You know, you work hard to get your kids the life that they want. And then your, your reward is you get to watch them have kids. And I'm just here to help out Lila. So Lila. what is that you want? Papa is here to help you out. So what is that you want? So Lila from the vent still says, I, uh...

You want to go home? Yeah, I think I might. And you can hear from inside, now that she's alone inside the vent, nobody's looking at her. You hear her voice waver a little bit and change a little bit. And she goes,

I think I might like to go home. Okay. So Mr. Sculptor, I don't mean to talk for you guys, honestly, whatever you guys want to do. Yeah, we make landfall. You all get to do your own activities. But I would like to,

I'm just a guy. I'm not going to be much help to you. It sounds like you got thousands of people, if not millions. So I just like to take Lila. Actually. She's not going to affect what you're doing. You guys could actually be a pretty big help. I don't know if we could.

So I was watching on McFadding Gate when they tried to poison that hangar that you were in, the gas. And it didn't work. Uh-huh. Because your DNA, your telomeres are degraded beyond. Whoa, whoa, what? Your telomeres are part of your, I think they're DNA or your brain or something. Oh, they're the things that make your age. Thank you.

Yes. Oh. They're in DNA caps on the ends of the chromosomes. Your telomeres. Telemeres. Is it? Okay. So your telomeres, as some would say,

are degraded beyond a degree that basically any other species that's part of the universal community has. Your biology is so unknown that toxins or, in some cases, scans, or poisons or any attempt to really read your biology in any way, they cannot do. You come up as a shadow, like here, let me see. He like pauses for a second and then the door opens and somebody brings in a tablet and the tablet is depicting a sort of thermal view of whatever it's looking at. It's not thermal, but it looks like some sort of weird sci-fi view through the camera of the tablet. This person points it at the sculptor and you can see, you know, particles and different colors and clearly something alive is behind it.

What about? What about? What about that dick? It's like the TSA things. Yeah, you can see the ding dong. Nice. Then he points it at one of you. He pointed it Ashley.

And the rest of you can see there's nothing there. So you're saying the rest of the universe doesn't even care about us. Yes. Which, which makes you the perfect people to join. So it's kind of like when iPhone

Face ID had issues with people of certain people. Exactly. It's exactly like that. But all of humanity. Yes. Well, all of old humanity, specifically. Let me get this straight.

Your goal ultimately will result in the destruction of Earth. No, it doesn't. Bad planets that will be swapped out when you make your wish to the spark to bring back all the people. The people on Earth are the people that you're going to sacrifice. Yes, but I can get you back there first so you can bring your families into the hive vine so that they're not a part of them. Let me. There's a lot of moral quandaries going on right now.

That's fine. Take your time. Here's all the time I need to take. And I cast acid splash and blast him in the face. Whoa. I really wish I had better spells. Because I'm out of spell slots. Pocket sand.

Actually, I cast fire bolt at him. Wait, weren't you out by the end of the last episode? I have cantrips, bro. Canterps, dude? Canterps, dude. What the fuck? Make a range spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes one D10 fire damage.

Okay, so make your range attack, please? I got a 23. So the fire hits it full on in the face. Its mask gets a set on fire, and then you see its arms go up in a big shrug. As I have to be like, well, we're doing this now. For the record, I also got one damage. Okay. You see one damage worth a.

of like, okay, so we're doing this now as he throws up his arms and frustration. So actually, I guess everybody's got a roll for initiative now. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Shit.

17. This is Matt Arnold saying shit, Will. You, out of character. Oh, shit, Will. Two plus two, four. I got an 18. You know, player to player. Yo, what's going on, Will?

What's the bad guy? He fucking wants to blow up the earth. This whole first clear moral decision we've had the entire season. This guy had to fucking die. 12. Okay, so first off, Ralph. So the first thing I'm going to do, I launch myself at the guy with my move action. And anyway, I start blasting.

I'm just going to fucking hit him with firebolt again, I guess. Okay. All right, I rolled 16. That'll do it. I got six damage. Oh, okay, not bad. Dale, it is your turn. Okay, so Lila's up in the vent.

We know that the door to this room goes out to that hallway where there's two more of them. Yep. And there's just four chairs here, right? And then also the one that he was sitting on and the one that Lila was sitting on. And I think there's no like table or anything. There's also a pile of Hardy Boys books on the ground. Is there a pile that he hasn't read yet?

He wants to fucking read our literature, our beautiful works of literature. How is there on the ground of the zone gravity, Anthony? Because there's a magnet on the back of each of them. He knows how to separate art from the artist. He can enjoy Earth. He loves Woody Allen. He's still thinking Earth needs to be canceled. I think probably art from the fucked up dark forest plants is better than any other art.

probably it's got to be dude them hardy boys can't make good art if you're not fucked up I'm going to kick a chair at anger I'm just gonna kick a chair at him and fly up to Lila is he within range of me yeah so I can hit him and then fly up to the yes okay I'm just gonna do a normal

okay I rolled 23 oh that'll definitely do it I roll damage 26 plus three so that's seven oh okay so I punch him okay if you got a problem with Ralph you got a problem with me Lila And I'm going to push off like Sandra Bullock and gravity and start zipping around the, well, not really zip around, going straight into the event. Okay.

You do that easily. You punch the sculptor in the face. It doesn't recoil. You just feel your hand hit something that basically is soft. Kind of like you almost just like punched a Nerf football or something like that. But the flesh stays compacted like you just hit it, which is extra weird because you punch him in the face and he's wearing a mask. So the whole everything acted like it's the same substance. His clothing is him too.

Yeah. So it is Lila's turn now and she is going to say, get back out here. Maybe we can make it to an exhaust board or something. I don't know. And you hear do, do, do, do, too, and she moves backwards in the vent back the way you came. Okay. Her. I'm going to enter rage. And then I'm going to use my shove action on the sculptor. The target must succeed on a decks or strength saving throw. Or you can either put. push it five feet away or have it to the prone condition. Yeah, they fall into prone. I was just thinking I wish I had done shove instead. If we're in zero gravity and you throw a punch and lands on someone, right, equal opposite reaction. You point you boing back. You would like spin out like because it'd be off axis, you know. But I will say that the room is small enough that if you do spin out, you could probably

write yourself by putting a foot out on the wall. Is there anything like tethered to the floor? The chairs and the books. All right. Before I shove, I'm going to wrap my foot around the chair, like, when you do that. Okay, so he rolled a strength saving throw and he failed. So you're going to push him back five feet or are you going to push him in a prone position? I'm going to push him in the prone position.

And then I'm going to turn back and face Ralph and be like, all right, no more. No more. This is it. We got to call it quits here. Why? He wants to blow up the earth. Your whole family's on the earth. That pale blue dot is all we have.

I know, but what is the earth like done for us other than, like, You know, uh, other than what, Herb? It's bad. So many should bad. You know how old I am? You know much bad shit I've seen? And it's all from Earth. Attempts on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

You can't seriously be siding with this guy. Well, this guy, you know, like with the hide mind. Herb, your grandson is from the earth. You held your grandson when he was born. When you looked in his eyes, did that make you want to say the whole planet should be destroyed? Well, I don't want to say. see him in 10, 20 years. I want to see him now. I want him to not make the mistakes I made. I want them to do better and I don't want him to... Look, with this guy, we could be anybody we want, all at once,

you know? Any regrets you have, the... You could see Cookie again. You do what you want, Herb. If you want a damn 8 billion people so that you can get to your grandson, I can't say I agree with it, but I guess I understand it. But if you want to do that, you're on his side. If you're on his side, you've got to get through me. I haven't made his choice yet. And if you're going to go through him, then you've got to go through me. I just want to hear him out.

Whose turn is it? Well, that is still technically all part of Herb's turn. Okay. I'm going to extend rage. Okay. You still have a move if you want. I am actually just going to stand right between Ralph and the sculptor. You've knocked the sculptor prone.

it is still on fire and it's going to use its move to stand up and sort of try to pat out the flames on its face and it's going to go 180 billion years that's what I'm trying to get back my planet doesn't exist anymore

and I know it'll hurt to lose your planet as well but there are hundreds thousands of planets out there that died unjustly that are full of really kind really considerate people that honestly don't have Hitler's. Like, your planet has a Hitler. I know it's the one bad apple spoils the bunch thing.

But like, Herb, if you want to join, we'd love to have you. We'd absolutely love to have you. The other guys, if you don't want to, that's totally fine. I'm just saying, if we don't win this war, if I don't win this war, I don't know what the IBS is going to do with the spark. So if you're going to have somebody have the spark, I would side with a person who wants to save the largest number of. of good people.

And with that, and he melts in front of you, into a puddle of you, and then the door opens and another one of him walks right in. And he goes, also, I can do this literally all day. That's crazy, man. That's crazy what he just did. It is now Ashley's turn. And Ashley takes one look at Ralph,

takes a look at the new guy, crouches down and he goes, not before 1.0 comes out. And he jumps, and he leaps forward referring of course to the fact that Star Citizen has not yet been released both in this timeline and in our timeline that I'm speaking to you from right now

he's can see 10 years in the future as one point no not enough time to think about that but that's a good fact that I'm filing that one away for later so I'm going to like shoot forward and put my hands in the Superman pose and double punch him okay two attacks because I'm double

no that will be one attack nice try I think that's pretty much like two attacks at the same time because I'm using two fists. It's also like scientifically if you punch a kick at the same time, there's no way they can dodge it. Yeah, that's like in the MM. They banned that shit. They banned that shit from the MM. They banned it from the MMA because it was simply two OPEA move.

10. So with a 10, he doesn't even have to use his magic powers. You just kind of steps to the side. And you go, whew, passed him into the corridor, passed one of the two guards that you saw, presumably the second guard then changed it into his form. And that guard just watches you go with his arms cross. and then it raises its gun. Ashley, as he floats through the hallway. So he's flying away from the room now.

Yes. So now it is time for the guards to go. I got starships! And you see the guard, aim his gun, and then lower it for a second, and then his switch on the side of the gun, and then fire. What's your AC?

My AC is 14. Ooh, okay. So a blue bolt of energy arcs just past your shoulders and misses you entirely. It would have been so hard if it was actually he switched it to kill and then just fucking snigrant. It's on stun.

He's like, no, I'm going to get him. Nah, let me get. I got to take one out. You manage to avoid the laser, even as you float helplessly forward as your momentum carries you forward. Nice try shit head. You're back up to Ralph. Ralph is still locking eyes with Herb.

He glances out. He sees Dale in the vent. He sees the guards opening fire on Ashley. He sees this new guy who just walked in and he looks back at Herb. and his fist lights up with fire, but then a la point break, he just turns and fires it into the wall and rage. Okay.

And steps back. Ah! Great. And just blasts the wall. Let me actually roll damage on this wall. Is that an outside wall? What a twist. Pretending that you would fire that at a person,

what would your role have been? That kind of natural one. This is definitely fireproof metal that you've splashed fire against and it just kind of dissipates in the, into the air, rather than giving you another way of potentially getting out of this room. If that's all you're doing, it is Dale's turn. Okay.

So our guy turned into a puddle. Yeah. The puddle's still there. The puddle's still there. And then he appears as another guy walked in this way. So like this health reset. Yes. Like he has a new health bar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to lean out. Lila's running. Well, crawling, but yeah. Yeah. And just to remember, our ship is connected. Yeah. It was at the far end of the fuck room, if I remember correctly.

after a little bit of tunnel that went onto the surface. Let's not say our addresses on. I'm looking at Lila. I heard her voice waiver before. Does she look worried, scared? So you're in the vent as well? So you can see that her cheeks look a little bit wet. Lila, dear, hold up.

I don't think we can just run to our ship. We have to get back home. We are. He did the finger thing on me. And he showed me what mom and dad are up to now. And it just sort of hit. what me saying out here is doing to them and I don't like that feeling

so I think we should we should go even if it's just 10 years that's not bad right like they'll sleep around in 10 years your mom and dad would be so happy to see you yeah exactly so yeah let's show we're gonna give I hear you let's get you home give me one second because I don't think that way it's gonna take us anywhere that we can go home either

so I'm gonna pull my head I'm gonna kind of peek my head down her yeah you were saying a lot of wild stuff Like too wild No no I hear you I hear what you're actually saying I hear you I hear what you're trying to do I heard the note behind the note

I heard the note behind the note Sir could we leave You said we had the option Could we just please leave? I just have a question When you bring people back from Like the dead or whatever Can you undo other things?

Yeah Why do you think I have some many people have joined me. Anybody who died, at any point, I'll be able to use the spark to bring them back. You can't. Look, I'm not the smartest guy. Herb, and Mr. Sculptor, your way, you seem like you do a lot, but you can't bring people back from the dead.

Even if you bring them back from the dead, we are, our experiences, they won't be the same. We are the things that have happened to us, and we don't always have control over those things. So, Herb, you know what you guys are in the dark forest? You can't come back from the dead. Do you guys know why you're in the dark forest, why Earth is in the dark forest? I don't care. I mean, it's my home.

I don't know what you want. Some places I lived were nice. Some I lived, we're not nice. I travel around the world. It's because you live such a short time. Okay. One of the shortest lifespans of any sense of being. Well, it's not that beautiful because by the time you get the chance to possibly learn from the mistakes of the past or your own mistakes, you die.

And that's why you people keep making the same mistakes. I've learned a lot in my life, man. And, you know, when it's time for me to go, I think I'll be ready to go. That's why we talk to our kids. We pass our, when we learned to our other. You can do that and live way longer and come back from the dead as much as you wanted. You're kind of talking to a fly saying a fly could live longer than a couple of days. I don't know what to tell you, man.

This is how long we live. Okay. This is how I'm tired. I think I got like another five years in me, six seven. Like, if the doctor told me, like you're going, I'd be like, oh, man. Okay, well, I'll do, let me live my life. You know, how much time do I got? Like, it's, it's been a long life.

But Dale, what about your family? I love my family. And they love you. Yeah. And they probably want more time with you. Yeah, but your family goes. My dad died. My grandfather died.

People die. That's the way the world works. No, I know that. I know that. Yeah. We do the best we can with what we have. Okay. You know, not everybody can save almost 100 people, you know.

But, you know, hey, I'm not compare. I'm just saying I've, you're talking to like, I'm not somebody that's ever helped people, okay? I think I am. Are we free to go so? Yes, that was the question, because that does make me change kind of like how I feel about you, you know? The mask man puts his hands on his head and interlocks his fingers and he goes,

I'll be completely honest with you about our thought process right now, which is, as I've mentioned, you have a particular biological quirk that makes you exceptionally good at infiltrating or avoiding detection or capture. if I let you go, you've established that you want to make sure that I don't get the spark. Oh, that's Ralph. It sounds like two of you want to go and... But here's my bro, so I will run and die with whatever you wants.

Thank you, yes. Okay, so as a group, you've agreed that you want the Illuminous to fail in our goal, which means you could then join the IBS and use your biological quirk against us. So I don't really see an advantage to letting you live if you're not going to join us. which again is consensual. I can't force you into the hive mind physically. It's not consensual if the other option is dying. I didn't, you know, I'm just saying I'm not.

It seems like you gave a lot of shit to our planet for not being all, you know, smart. But that's like pretty basic morality. No, no, I'm not. I'm just letting you know that I can't run at you and absorb you to make you a part of this. I'm just saying it's going to have to be you deciding to walk into it. And we don't know what the IBS is up to.

Ralph, are you ready to join the IBS? I don't know if I'm ready to join the IBS. I have a lot of problem with men playing God. which is what this person is doing right now. He's decided, she turns into Jessica Mess and goes, what about a woman playing goddess? Oh, wow, yeah, that's fine. You tell me you don't support women?

I don't support this woman. Wow. And I'll say it because I'm old. That old crap don't work on me. I've got another question. I'm sorry. I keep asking questions. This plan of yours, is it what you think is right,

or is it just what you want? Because there's nothing wrong with just wanting it, but do you think that it's what's right? I think the best plans are both, and that's this one. I definitely want it. I want my people back. It would be great to not be the last of my kind. But also, pretty cool if I can bring back people that were annihilated by a sun

arbitrarily going supernova just as they were about to discover world peace. Awkward. Everyone's sitting around. And it's like, I think we're almost ready to get all the signatures. God, is it hot in here? Guys, you? If you can give me a reason not to kill you and to let you go, I would be happy to. I mean, it would be pretty good evidence that you're a good planet, right?

You don't know what we're going to do. We're just ants to you. I mean, if you want, I can show you literally every single death that has led to somebody joining the luminous. No, that's wild things that think I'd want to see. It was an insane. I gave me the option. If you want, I can show you all the videos that LiveLeak took out all in a row. If you want to know what good people losing good people looks like.

Sure. Sure. One more question. Yes. Yes. Herb. Has a dark forest planet ever become not a dark forest planet? A light forest? Can Earth be saved if we just don't make it a dark forest planet anymore?

Yes. But probably not with you guys. What? Why? Because you don't have that much time left. Your judgment makes me think you're not the best judge of things. Your species is going to be gone in like 500 years. So the chances that you could manage to get yourself out of this hole pretty low.

I feel like this meeting is addressing a lot of different things. Let's get back to the core issue here. Do I kill you? That's one way to put it. My question was, you're just looking at four grandpas who care about their grandkids, and that's all it is. You can label it how you want. You can put it beyond.

You can put the weight of Ralph, who has righteous anger for a very good reason about your opinions. or you can just let this grandpa take his grand kid home and move on with your life and do what is they're going to do. Roll persuasion. I got a one. The rolls of this is insane. Like the T-1000, a fucking spike comes out of his arm turns into a fight. And it goes straight the fuck at you, Dale.

Okay, I'm above him. But yeah, he's shooting up at the... Yeah, he's shooting it up in the fucking vent. Is that a... It's not a thing. It's not a thing. But yeah, go ahead and make a dexterity throw. See if you can acrobatics jump in front of it.

I got a two. Sorry, I try it. That's okay. I got stuff. I'm a monk. This is still technically on your turn, so it doesn't make sense of this is happening, but that's okay. Yeah, I don't like that. My AC?

Well, it's not my turn, so technically it's like 25. This is the rule don't matter. What's your AC, bing dong? I love it. Okay. So it actually misses. The fucking spike comes up through the center of the vent. Where have I seen that before in a movie?

When Spike's gone, like, oh. When somebody's gone through a bed, I've never seen that. With a sword and they're trying to stab the person. A lot of movies. A lot of movies. The first 10 minutes of the Odyssey. The raid, yes, the raid. It's like the raid.

It comes up just in front of your face. But it does miss. The meat spike misses. It is Lila's turn. And she is going to put her fingers in her mouth and put them out and see if she can determine which way the air is flowing. She got a two. So she can't.

Oh, it's this way. So she's going to just start moving forward in a quasi-random direction, and I'm going to roll a die to see if that's a good direction for her or a bad direction for her. Well, don't tell us. I'm not going to tell me. She turns left. She's in the vents. She's in the vents.

She goes, come on, Grandpa, come on. And tries to reach for you for a second, but the spike is there so she can't. She's this way. And she crawls around the left. I mean, I know which way we came from. Is that the same direction that we came from? No. No.

Because where you came from went to a hallway. And that hallway leads back to the room with all the people with it. I mean the vent that we, because we went up in the vent, so we know the vent. Yes, I'm saying she's not going the way that you came. Okay, yeah, I was going to say, Lila, go the other way. That's the wrong way of the vent. No, I'm not looking for the way we came. I'm looking for an exhaust vent so we could get out into space.

We have suits. Oh, oh, she's smart. Actually, Sue is correct. I didn't hear that as she just keeps going. Her, but is your term. In rage, I have primal knowledge, which, um, whenever I make an acrobatics, intimidation, perception, stealth, or survival check, I can use my strength modifier, which is a big boy strength modifier.

I'm just so I'm going to do an intimidation. Okay. And I guess what Herb will say. Now, are you just like saying is that like a skill check or is there like a specific ability you have that's like if you use this, then they get fucked up in some way? No, they don't get fucked up. I just want to de-escalate this situation and try to get away. But I don't have any like persuasion that I can swap with my strength and modifier.

So I have to do intimidation. Sure, sure. So Herb's going to be like, let us go. Or the next time you turn into a puddle, you're not going to walk through that door. And I know this because we're also a hive mind in that we're aligned with our values and we're going to kill you. Roll intimidation with disadvantage, please. With the disadvantage, I got a 15. Oh, okay.

Pretty intimidating. So it's the change in voice that gets them. it's the sudden force behind what you're saying and the certainty behind it from what is otherwise a pretty uncertain sounding dude that makes the sculptor take a step back into the doorway and cock his head at you and he goes I mean that's that's not possible but is it uh um I'm gonna use my movement to get towards the vent you're in the vent hey herb hey hey I didn't mean how you doing it's you got a lot going on down there I'm sorry I didn't mean I didn't mean to make it sound like this guy's like the answer to everything. I just don't know the answer. And were you speaking from the heart?

Yeah. Never apologize if you're speaking from the heart. Oh, gosh. Thanks, Dale. You're welcome. It is now the sculptor's turn. And I'm going to have him roll with his van. Didn't he just go?

No, it was a reaction on Dale Stern. Oh, yeah. It was dramatically interesting. He just like stole. Yeah, and then he got cheated. I may have cheated of it. There's a legendary turn. Whatever the fucking.

I just used my legendary Dale action. He is going to stab upwards kind of blindly into the vent. So I had him roll an attack with disadvantage. And he got a 15. Oh, that's two of us. So I'm going to roll to see which one of you it hits because it's going to hit somebody. I'm in myla because she turned the corner already. Dale, you feel as one of those meat spikes comes up again, but this time it hits its mark and goes straight through the meat of your upper arm.

Oh. Oh, no. Then retracts really quickly. Fast enough that for a second, it doesn't feel like you got hit. And then the pain hits in a way. And then you see blood start to pour from the wound. Oh, shit. It's like being bit by a shark.

Yes, and your suit's been punctured too. You start hearing it. This is the worst than that time. I saved my 95th person. I've saved a lot of people in the ocean. Are there hoses on our like packs or whatever? You're going to do a tourniquet on it? Yeah.

Yeah, you can do that for sure. So pit-coded, dude. Yeah. Let's say there's a cable for the like headlamps that is in the back that you can tell is connected to the headlamp. Okay. I rip my cable. for the headlamp and I tie it around Dale's upper arm just above the wound.

I like that. You will do it on your next turn, though. Okay. Do I take damage too? Yes. So thankfully he rolled shit for damage, so you take three damage. Okay. Still hurts.

We're not very strong. We're only level three. Ashley Burch, it is your turn. How far away am I at this point? So much stuff has happened. I feel like I'm just like gone. I'm out. I'm out of combat.

You're at the other end of a hallway, so you're like 50 feet away. Okay. I would like to continue to be running. Surrounded by 14 enemies, though. I want to continue running. I want to make my way back towards. our ship. Going through the fuck room? Yes. Is that where our ship is? He's a madman.

Your ship is on the outside of Waller or Phoebe. I can't remember which one. How far away is our ship? We did a bunch of stealth to get to this room. Yes. You stealth through the fuck room. It's literally just around the corner. It's the fuck room and then a tunnel. Remember when you went down there was that person looking up at you and you had to see if they could tell who you were? The tunnel of love. It's a fuck room, then the tunnel of love, then your ship on the service. All right. Well, I'm going through the fuck room. Okay. So you arrive at the

threshold to the fuck room. And when the door opens every person that's been working on one of these fuck machines, these fuck boxes, is staring at you. So, a hot solo death star moment. Wait, yeah, what if they all turn

to you? And they're like, oh, fuck. How many? How many? At least one person comes to one of the boxes and they're like, no, and does it push him back? Yeah. And it starts spiral. They exit. It defeats the entire purpose, unfortunately. And I go, huh, huh.

Is there a fire alarm per space code anywhere near this? You can't. We can't fire alarm our way out of every problem. He can't pull a fire alarm when everybody's looking at you. That means the purpose of pulling a fire alarm. Yeah, I mean, first of all, just roll straight luck. To get me a D20 to see if there is a fire alarm. He pulls the fire alarm out.

And the series, like, a fire. Seven. Okay, so the seven, there is no fire alarm in this room because it already gets so hot. Wait, did you say, there's no fire alarm because. It's so hot. Everybody's fucking so much. The fire alarms be going off all the time, you know? It's so humid.

Negative's on that fire alarm. They're like, just take it down. We'll risk it. We'll know when there's a fire. It's like when it starts chirping. You're like, fucking. I look at the fire alarm on the ceiling, but someone's put like a plastic bag around because it kept going on to cover it up.

Have I figured out that everyone in here are all sculptor clones? Yeah, we know that. You heard all that. No, I mean, yeah. We know that everybody on this station is part of the sculptor. Except the fucker. The fucking people. Except the fucking people.

fucking people who unfortunately are here consensually otherwise you could start a fuck revolution so i scream out i go i'm new here where's my fuck room roll deception with disadvantage massive fucking disadvantage stanky disadvantage worst case scenario 13 they kill you best case scenario you get trapped in a fuck room and we're not going to save you maybe he won't want to be saved 13 will absolutely not do it and it is actually incidentally their turn So the guard from behind, you hear him like 50 feet away. Yeah, right. Let's try and get there.

Yeah, you know, he's not going to make it to you because he has to get all the way to the end of the hallway and then turn and then fire. Hey, don't judge it. This is a consensual, serious, scientific thing we're doing. What's the name of the room? It's called the fuck room. You called it the fuck room. I'm being colloquially.

I'm meeting you where you are. Fornication station. Sorry. Yeah, you know, when Kinsey sent the paperwork to try to get stuff approved, it's like, yeah, so we just need extra. extra criminal for fuck lab that's not far from what he did the guard behind you is going to

fly down the hallway slam into the opposite end and he's going to take a shot at your back because you're in the door frame still yeah the first of many bad shots is occurring in this room he hits the purpose well why do you roll he rolled a dice a 21 I'm assuming your AC does not

beat that unfortunately whatever I don't care whatever doesn't matter dude it stuns me right probably knocks me forward all I said was that he would looked at his gun and pressed a button. Oh, no. It's like, this is this mode, makes it hurt more. I'm gonna roll 2D8. 9 damage.

Oh my God. Shut the fuck up. That takes me down to four damage. Oh, no. All right. Just close the door. Ow. You gotta get back in the vents.

Now, how's that affected my suit? You know, at least tell me the nature of the beam I've been hit with. So you don't see it, but a blue bolt of energy smacks into your back. You're worried maybe when it hits you that you're going to get pushed forward. You don't. The energy disperts. it's all around your body, but you feel travel through the suit

and into your body, and you feel like your whole body is getting fried. And it doesn't feel great, but it has not punctured your suit. Look at what they do. Look at what they do when you don't fuck. Look at what they do to you. Everybody. Every creature.

Every single person. It understands what you're saying they look at you. And the moment you say that, they start fucking really hard. Several people come. Better get back to fucking then. Yeah, your back shot is followed by three more in quick succession. Okay, so they start fucking hard. So all of the technicians leap at you at the same moment going,

we're a hive mind. We know why this is happening. And they are going to try to pile onto you basically fucking anime style. They're just going to fucking dog pile your ass. They're going to burly brawl your ass. So I'm going to roll a D20 10 times. Wait, what? There's like 10 people within range of the door.

Is it damage? No, no, no. To see how many people that grapple onto it, basically. And six people. fall upon you like locusts onto a carcass and they pin you to the floor of the spaceship okay, okay, okay, okay, you got me, okay, okay, okay, ow, ow, ow!

And you are-oh, okay, everyone, chill. Incredibly plant-prone and incredibly grappled. Can I tell everyone to chill, chill, too? Everyone, chill, chill! How is he pinned to the ground? They're like buffeting their legs against the wall. Okay, so they're like braced or something. So they're braced against them.

They got face-off shoes. Actually, they do have face off shoes. I think I mentioned that earlier. But yeah, no, they're bracing themselves against the wall to basically use their force to keep you down. Gravity is not working on you, but they are. That was their turn. And now we are back to the top of the order. And it is Ralph again.

Ralph, oh, no. I really made a mess of things here that I thought my disruptive violence would be cool and it's caused problems. And this is a history of disrupted violence, generally speaking. Can I see what's happened to Ashley? Unfortunately, no, you would have to go down the hallway and turn. to the right to see any of this. Can I hear what's happened to Ashley? Yeah, you hear chill, chill, chill, chill. Yeah, I think you do. He hears this when they do to you

what you stop fucking. Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. You hear that, you hear the sound of like a lot of a lot of glass and plastic colliding against other glass of plastic. I think you hear chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. Ralph looks up to you guys in the vent and says, get to the ship, and then I launch myself down the hallway. Unless you try to

stop yourself, you're going to collide with the who just shot Ashley. Get this gun. He, I assume, is more than five feet away from everybody, correct? Yes. I am going to activate my spell. Radioactive. Radioactive.

Starting at first level, your body's saturated with harmful residual radiation. You can use your action to activate or suppress a radioactive aura. So basically, as I launch down the hallway, it looks like I go old man super sand. My body becomes a bright light in a 10-foot radius. And additionally, every creature comes within five feet of me or starts its turn in my area, takes 1D6 radiant damage. Fantastic. Radiant damage specifically hurts all versions of the sculpture.

Yeah, it's viral. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So we did it.

What? 1d5, you said? 1D6. 1D5 is another thing. Yeah, well, it is. It's doing a D10 and having it. Dang, dude. Wow.

So you... The tension between these two D-E-Ms is probable. You turn, you turn Super Sane... That's what happens when two alphas Enter the room. You turn Super San... Witness the repartate of two alphas. Fucking me and Anthony, you're just like Maverick and Iceman.

Yeah. We fucking get in the room together. I got you. I got you. Dude is, doing that little thing with a coin. You're like, it is actually. It's T-10 device. Right, too.

And then I click my teeth together. That's right. I called Dibs on Iceman. So you turn into a super-s-same. You can railroad my blood anytime. You collide with this guard, and you are surprised to see it turns and looks at you and it screams. And it takes 3D6 of damage. Oh, radiant hurts it.

Discovered the weakness. Should I roll two more D6? Yes, please. I got eight damage. Okay, eight damage. It's shocked by being so hurt so quickly that it loses its... I've been there. Like all of us.

We've all been there. that it loses its grip on its gun. Sick. That's what you knew how you really felt. So now it is Dale's turn. I'm just going to crawl as fast as I can't towards wherever Lila's going.

Okay. And I'm going to call it. Lila, you know a way out of here? We have a ship. We have a ship near the fuck room. You know the fuck room. They call it that.

No, they certainly, they definitely don't. I think you gave up with that. I mean, but you know, okay, Lila,

hey, you know a room I'm talking about. Yeah, I do. If there's like one room I could be talking about. Actually, I think he established that there are like hundreds of these rooms. The closest fuck room.

Our ship, we parked and then we all I know is working backwards. We got out of our ship. We went straight into a fuck room and we went through that hallway. It's just like finding your car at Disney. Yeah. You're like we parked at Buzz Light Year. Buzz Light Year. Okay, well then it sounds like...

There's two elephants fucking is the door we came through to. It was like that elephant. They didn't completely memorize the fuck room. I'm just saying we get in there. That's the door we want to go. Well, it sounds like what you're encouraging is that we go back the way we came. then because there were a bunch of different fuck rooms and I was trying to follow the way they all came. Well, I was trying to follow the air to see if we could get out through the exhaust.

Well done, Freddie. But I licked my finger and forgot that I'm in a space suit too, so it didn't do anything. I'm just saying we have a ship. The ship's pretty close by. Yeah, I assumed it was my ship. Yeah, it is your ship. Yeah, let's go to my ship. All right.

This is going to suck because there's a lot of people in that room. If you go in the vent, just go above the fuck room. This is Will not Ralph. You're in a space suit. If you go outside into space, you'll be. Well, she's saying she doesn't know which way to go outside. That's what she was trying to find It was a way out

Let's just go fast That way if we go the wrong direction We fail quickly I forget the rest of it I mostly just remember the first part Move quick and break stuff Move quick and break stuff It's not gonna be hard for you to come back

The way that you went If that's what you're going for Okay so then yeah Actually no because I want to see it Because obviously the fuck room has vents too Yeah but you can at least reach that particular vent so that you can then Orient yourself

By that vent Yes as I want to Okay so great Lila hears you she goes right after you in initiative but since you told her to do this i feel like it makes sense of both of you just do this at the same time you go back and you are now near the vent from which you originally entered you can do something now you see another fork in the vents and i'm hearing chill chill chill chill chill yeah you're hearing chill chill i'm gonna head towards i'm like let's go

that way it's got to be where where ashley is and that's got to be where the fuck room is okay because i heard him say something about fucking so yes we're gonna head towards there that was also lila's turn her but is now your turn yeah i'm going to tie a tourniquet onto Dale's upper arm and kind of try to staunch the bleeding and then I'm going to follow them. I absolutely will. It is a nine. Okay.

Ow. So you managed to stop the bleeding such as it is, but you can feel, Dale, that air is still getting through the tourniquet into your... Oh, you did a great job, herb. You did a good job. I don't know. I'm not strong. Airtight.

Believe in yourself. Yeah. Let's give it another shot in a little bit, though. Yeah, yeah. Just to practice. So now it is the sculptor's turn. If you look back for a second, you probably wouldn't. We don't.

But if you had, you would see the sculptor raise his arm into the vent, and then his arm begins to blow and distend, and a big wall of flesh fills the space of the vent. It is now coming towards you at speed. And it is going to spend its turn, you know, forming and coming after you a little bit. But next turn is going to be able to dash, and it will almost certainly catch up. There's like construction foam, but it's flesh.

Exactly. Construction flesh. It's scary. Don't look back. I read this Greek miss. Actually, in that case, if you look back, it would kind of be problem solved, right? Yeah. Now, Ashley, is your turn.

Now, here's a question. My good friend Ralph did some fucking crazy shit on this guy. Did it distract these people so that I can make one desperate move? I like that. Yes. I think a pain that they have not felt before went through them. And for a second, you feel like grips lighten up just a bit. They still have your hands on you, but they're not pushing as hard as they are for a split seconds.

Get your hands off my penis. Get your hands off my penis. A succulent space genocide. So now here's my question. You are witnessing democracy. Can I now go and jump up and try and tear the plastic bag off the smoke detector that they put in? Because now everyone in the room was fucking and they were causing all kinds of alarms to get. And now the thing I said one,

turn to go. It helps me. I am desperate to see what you do if the alarm goes off because I don't see how it's going to help you. But yes, okay, go ahead and give me an athletics role to see if you can warm your way through the fucking thing. Because once again, they're all just watching. They're just fucking. No, they're all fucking. Well, there's people that are fucking, and then there's 10 people that are on top of you, and then there's presumably

dozens of other people that know what's happening and are not yet too bad. Ever heard of multitasking? I can look someplace and be fucking. I bet if there's a fucking. I can get there. There's a fire that probably they get everyone in space suits and shit. They probably just vent the room into space. So I run up, I rolled a 19. That's a good point.

Okay. So I burst out from the pile of people like Neo. Yeah. Let me roll for each of them. And all of a sudden I look like really CG. I look like way more CG for some reason. I'm like, this is a little, I'm just, my skin is smoother. The river's swinging a big

polar on my space suit are a little early. A little early for this. Yeah, a little early. It looks like a PS2 game. Like a Ubisoft cutscene in a PS3 game is what it kind of feels a little. Yeah, it's got that little weird like filter effect on the screen. You're like, this was pre-big. This is not an engine.

Two arms shoot up from the group of six people that had you pinned. And one of them grabs each of your ankles. And they are stopping you just fingertips away from that plastic bag that I guess is there. People rolled better than 19? Two of them rolled 19 exactly, so they caught you. Oh, my God. So I feel like that was your move. if you would like to take an action.

He's close to the vents up there. He's higher to the ceiling, which is where we are. It still feels to me like your spaceship thing would be like, oh, there's a fire. Let me just fucking vent all the air out of this room. I'll take that. Yeah, we'll say that's what will happen. Or they could just seal the doors and let the fire burn itself out in there. Not every solution is like, I feel like there's like,

some engineer who's like, yo, Bob, like every solution on the spaceship doesn't have to be you vented out. It's like fucking solve a problem. As we mentioned, they have face all shoes. We know that you blow up the bathroom every time you, You don't have to make it. Every time it's got to do a full 100% air replacement. You know how I eat. Do not go in there.

Can I stretch do my tippeos? You're in a space suit, so I don't think that works. Do you have any gadgeteer stuff? What are your fucking abilities? Is there something clever you can do? How close to eat to the ceiling? These fingertips away from the fire alarm. You're going to be right there, dude.

Just tell them you're really close. Is there a vent? Is there a vent near the fire alarm? A ceiling vent. The one that we would be arriving. Yes. we're about to get there we're going to pull them up high risk high reward

fucking pop that helmet off hold your breath swap the fucking bag with the helmet once again I really don't want to be about blanket but the best the best case scenario

is they watch him set off a fire alarm and then I fenced him into space and now with no suit no suit what's happening he has a high clutch one turn to put his space suit his helmet back on. Well, he's also going to have to deal with the fact that if he is not

sufficiently acrobatic, he's going to smash his fucking head or smash the now-cracked space helmet against the wall when trying to dislodge the bag. That sounds like a damn good podcast. I'm just letting you all know. I do it! All right. Oh, man. My hands being free, I look down and I see that they're wiggling my big toesies and I go, ha! And I counterclockwise, lefty, Lucy, undo my helmet. And now with this little extra bit of reach and now swipe it at the gently gently at the plastic bag you probably get it down with your glove or something sorry so uh give me a slight of hand roll natural one the fucking the fucking you weren't even close to hitting the fucking alarm you like you like did it

right under the alarm put your helmet back off put your helmet back on the helmet is completely shattered Have you ever tried to use a smooth object to take a... Yeah, I was going to say howl or didn't help. Beth, you shut the fuck up. I didn't hear... I didn't hear any suggestions from you, okay? You were just sitting there, mute as a lute. When you're...

And yet somehow still had a better idea than you, which would have been not doing that. So now his helmet's exploded. His helmet is shattered completely is useless. It cannot be repaired. Oh, shit. You probably need to make a constitutional... No, don't talk.

Don't talk. You need to hold your breath. No words. No, no, no. This is an area that has a bunch of different gases and shit in it. So I'm going to say you can breathe like pure nitrogen for a little bit before, you know, it's like, yeah, there's not CO2 in here and that's the thing that usually makes you panic. No, but wasn't you said the whole place was filled with toxic gas? The bridge was.

Oh, was. Fuck room is filled with love. Fuckroom is filled with love. Yeah. And enough of an atmosphere. There's just enough nitrogen that you will pass out after a turn, but you don't have to roll a pass out right now. The fuck room is filled with whatever every species exhales. when they fuck.

So like, because a lot of CO2 really human. Wait. Well, do people exhale something different when they fuck

than what they don't? No, but you exhale a lot when you fuck. Okay. At least I do. I'm pure laughing gas. CO2

filled up that bedroom. Somebody playing a tree. Hey, baby, you want to fill this bedroom with some CO2. Hey, baby, you want to,

you want to be any truth in this room. It's a greenhouse I know there's not global warming anymore, but do you want to do that? Yeah. You want to open up

that ozone layer? baby. Okay, so that was... So that was your turn, unfortunately. Good, productive turn. And now it's the turn of the guards, two of which, as mentioned earlier, have a hold on you.

So they are going to, in a very David Cronenberg's shivers kind of way, like they're pulling a rope down, just hand by hand, pulling you down back into the flesh. Get your hands off my penis! And I don't think there's a ton you can do to resist other than sort of shake.

Yeah, go ahead and give me a disadvantaged dexterity, or acrophatic role. I really don't know how we can save you from you. I think you. You might genuinely be dead. What? I don't know what. So they pull you right back down and put you right back where you were a turn ago,

except now you don't have a hell of it. I fucking got you, dude. Just watch this. I go, get your hands off my penis. Okay, they don't. What is the crime? What is the crime? Now we're back up to the top of the order, and it is Ralph Estereus his turn.

Ralph sees his boy fucking go down into this group, and Ralph is going to... Different than sees his boy fucking go down with his group. Seeing now that this thing does super damage to these guys, I'm going to launch myself at the group of them radiation blasting like a fucking bowling ball to knock them all loose. Okay.

Just like Neo with the Burley brawl, dude. Just like Neo with the Burley brawl. For expediency's sake, why don't you give me your 3D6 and I'll just apply it to all the equally? Ashley's back at the middle of the group, right? Correct. So Ashley will take the damage as well. Well, here's what I was going to argue.

It's radiant damage, which is light-based damage because it's a shining off of me. My argument would be that as long as he is covered by the group, is not being damaged by the spell until I could see them. I'm going to roll. I'll leave it in fate's hands. Above 10, it's what you want. Below 11, it's what I want.

It's 10. No, he's going to take the damage. His head is just peeking out enough that he can see it. How much health do you have? Four? You have four health left? Why don't you take a short rest? I mean, you were short resting before during the plan.

Does short rest give you help? So what did you do, Will? I'm going to try to save Freddie. He's probably going to kill our whole party now. And you, by the way, you're part of this too. And why do I always get the flack? I'm trying to be proactive. That's both of you.

Wait, yeah, no, you can spend a hit die to regain your hit points. Oh. For a short rest. Wait, so did you attack them, Will? Hold on. I'm trying to figure that out based on how much HP Freddie has. But then we can just keep him in death saving throws. And honestly, him in death saving throws me, he can't do anything stupid.

So you could probably give him to the ship easier. Let me check hit dimes. The safest place for him is. Yeah, knocked out. It's like when they put him into a medically duse. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, fucking go in their blasting, dude. D6 per level

So I have a, yeah, I have three Ds. Oh, okay. While we did the short rest on the ship, you would have everyone would have gotten three six of hit points back. Just a little bit of an adjustment. Well, that puts me a seven HP. Okay. If I had spent hit dice, which I now have spent.

Oh, wait, I have a constitution modifier. I would have nine. Okay. I rolled a 12. It does mean the six people that had a grip on you find their grips dislodged by the sheer amount of pain. You said 12? 12, D6.

12. Yes. So I think this is the move. because otherwise he's absolutely fine. Wait, 12 D6? No, no, no, 12 damage. Okay. Yeah, I'm looking at out.

No vaporizing. Yeah. Seeing Ashley get pulled into this group, a glowing super sand, Ralph braces back against the wall. Oh, I grab the guy's gun. I'm going to do that, too, because he said his gun was floating in there. And I'm going to just sort of springboard towards this group

and just sort of launch myself towards them with this radiant aura blasting off of me. And I hit everybody for 12 damage. Okay. The pain is so extremely. so quick that they all lose their grip on Ashley and they begin to float away from Ashley. Ashley, you take only six damage

because you're not vulnerable to radiation like the sculptures are, but you do pass out from speaking so much without having a helmet on. Okay, then what I would like to do is grab Ashley with one hand. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, oh, you're unconscious. Okay, so I still have my action,

which means I have one blast with this gun I can do. So, I could shoot the fire alarm. I don't know what it's going to accomplish. You're very close to our ship now because the ship is just right outside the fuck room. Because right, if I remember, we didn't walk. There's a fuck room and then there's a tunnel. Yeah. And you're only on the opposite end zone of the fuck room.

Wait, just as we know how far away is our ship? It would be two full moves to cross this room entirely. Cool. Don't worry about it. I'll get us there. You're going to get us there? Yeah, two full moves. Look towards where we need to go and whatever is in front of it, blast it.

Because I'm coming for you, baby. We're flying together. Okay. I'm just, I'm going to, in daylight trust. So, wait, can I see them in the vent? Where are you guys? I don't imagine you would be able to see them in the vent, no. We're here.

You could hear that, though. Yeah, we're hearing shooting and stuff. Are there any other of the luminous around that I haven't blasted my way through? Yeah, a bunch. But like, within range of you, I would say another 10 more, but they would have to move to get to you. But beyond them, there's at least another 20. There's more guys that are going to get to me on their next turn. Yes.

which is going to come before Dale's turn. They're last in an initiative order. Okay. Can I do like a kind of sciencey role to try to see if I can grok what will happen if I shoot this fire alarm that my buddy was going for? Roll technology with, I'm going to say, not an undisadvantage or advantage. Yeah, go for it. Oh, I guess 17.

There's an icon on this fire alarm, which you notice is the same as the icon on the face-off boots being worn by the fuck techs, which makes you assume that when you fire it somehow those will activate. Why would they activate? Well, maybe the room will get vented of all of its air and they need to stay there in one place so they don't get sucked out into the vacuum of space. Maybe.

I am going to fire at the fire alarm. Give me a ranged attack roll with disadvantage because you're doing it one-armed? 15. 15 will do it. So you shoot the firearm. Now the question is, actually, we can find this on in real life. Does it shooting a fire alarm?

Put that gun down. No. Does breaking a fire alarm make it go off? You know what? You should have shot next to it, causing a small fire. Yes. You punch a hole through the plastic bag, and it hits the fire alarm straight in the center. And you hear...

And red lights begin to come down. And you hear... All across the entire fuck room. as boots magnetize. And then a panel on the ceiling of this room begins to open up and you immediately you're feeling yourself to get yoynched the fuck toward it. And you are going to give me a dexterity saving throw

to see if you can still hold on to Ashley. I don't want to be picky, but we're in zero G. I'm holding him. We're getting pulled at the same rate. Why would I need a dexterity roll to continue holding? It's not just like a casual, like air is getting sucked out of this thing. It's turbulent and violent. But we're both getting sucked by the same force, right?

Yeah, but if you're in a wave and the wave is pulling the body. It's a turbulent force. Okay, all right. It's a turbulent force. I don't know what to do now. I was going to try to save you out of it. Well, there was guys that were going to get us like on the next turn. Yeah, but I had a turn.

I was kind of run to get all you guys. But I don't know what's going to happen. You guys are now out in space. He's got no helmet. The ships right there. We'll be fine. I got 13. So with 13, you do manage to maintain your grip on Ashley as you get sucked

towards the vacuum of space. And by the end of your turn, I'm going to say you're basically right at the lip of this quickly receding ceiling. And now it is Dale's turn. I need measurements. Okay. How far away is our walkie of tape measure?

How far away is our ship? Your ship. Because if I remember not to go back to that episode, but we got out and we walked into the first room and it was the fuck room. No. You walked out and you got into a tunnel that led to the fuck room.

How far was the tunnel? That was one full move. So you are three full moves From the surface where your ship is Or there's a big thing that leads directly to the outside That's what I'm saying. From the outside lip. Yeah.

How far away is the ship to like the left? If I got to the lip and I poked my head and I saw her ship attached to the side of it. I don't think you'd be able to see it because of the curvature of the thing. Sure, but how far? I don't think that's information you would reasonably know. So I don't think I have to give it to you. Okay. Well, I was just trying to remember how far away.

So we were like one full move. We were about 40 feet away from the fuck room then. No, full move. Actually, I'll put it this. 30 feet away. There was a straight shot from where you were down that tunnel into the fuckroom and the other side of the fuck room. And the fuck room takes two full moves to cross and the tunnel takes one full move to cross. And full move being 30 feet.

Yes. So 90 feet altogether. And I'm going to say the curvature of the station doesn't drastically change the distance. Like it makes it a little bit bigger. But I'll say that's like two full moves and a move. And last we told scrap and wreckage where are they? They are by the ship. Okay.

All right. All right. everybody. I look at Lila and Herb and I say, Erb, Lila, hold on. To what? We're making a rescue. We're going out to sea. You mean? No. Nice for killing.

It's going to give me my triple digits. It's going to be two more. That rules. It's going to be two more. You tied something around me, right? Yeah, I tied my light cable to you. I'm going to untie it, so I have a little bit of rope. Now you bleed in.

I know. There's one chance. Sometimes you can. You do have the vent in front of you. You could use the way. Oh, never mind. I tie it back. I'll use my light cable.

Like a, like a like a preserv. Yeah. When it's your turn, yeah. Okay. I'm going to focus and I'm going to use so much movement here. That's because you're a monk too. Yeah. I'm going to use my action to do a full dash, which could be 80 feet of movement.

Okay. I'm taking my time. I'm this whole time you were talking. I was focusing on the fucking geography of what I will point out. What pointed out? You're going to have to deal with the fact that you're being sucked upward. by the vacuum. You can't just go straight from this end

at the other end of the room if that's what you want. I want to go towards the hole. Okay, with them, even better. Yeah, I'm aiming at them. Okay. I'm going to tell Lila and Herb, each of you got to grab one. Okay.

I need my hands free. So they're on either, they're holding one hand they hold out to be, and they're going to, and I'm just aiming at them. Okay. I'm going to use all my movement, and I'm going to focus. We use focus,

and I'm going to do step of the wind. So I can take a dash action and bonus action. And I can expend one focus point to use both disengage, which who cares? That would actually be pretty useful considering there's a lot of people

that could hypothetically be making melee attacks at you. Yes. But they all just got hit right now, right? And I can jump. So my goal, and you said they're at the lip. So my goal is I want to first is two moves in one. I'm going to dive at them.

I want to dive at Ralph and Ashley. Okay, since that's where the force of the vacuum is taking you, I don't think you have to roll. Okay. Do they need to do they? to roll now if they've held on to them. No, I think because they're conscious and they're actively holding on to it.

Great. And then I'm going to spin. I'm going to kick off the edge of the lip and use jump and head as close to the edge of the station. I'm just flying towards where I think the ship is. Okay. Okay. Because my total movement I can do here is going to be 160 feet. Okay.

Yeah, your movement doesn't bother me. It's a matter of, A, can you grab our boys? They are grabbing my boys. Oh, they're grabbing your point. I can roll athletics for my kick. Well, I'm also just trying to think. So if you can't see the ship from where you are, it's over the lip of the horizon of this station. I'm just kicking along the side of the shuttle.

I understand that. But because the force of the vacuum is pulling you outward, your velocity is going to be away from the ship. So you're going to have to make some sort of rule to like stop. Grab onto the ship and stop. And then do a kick. And then yes. Yes. You're going to have to be able to do it in such a way that you can control your movement across the surface of the station.

because otherwise you're going into the void. Okay. My goal then, then I have that cable is I'm going to try to latch onto the cable as I'm flying through the lip and that'll stop us. And then I'm going to kick off

and let go at the same time. This would be the funniest TPK in fucking RPG history for sure. If you all die here, end of season. I'm not, we're not doing rolling new characters. There's no clones,

but it's over. We got it. Okay, so you move up towards the lip. Yeah, just for simplicity, and he's saying paint a picture of what is going on from the beginning of the event. I am shooting out of the event. I'm soaring across the fuck room to the lip where they are right now.

Yes. In that moment, Lila reaches out and grabs Ashley, the unconscious Ashley. She got a natural 20 on her dexterity role. She wraps you up close and puts me in a pocket of hair. Now again, this isn't an uncontrolled movement. Like, yes, I know the force is getting me there, but like I'm aware of all this. I've dealt with a riptide or two.

Okay, like I know what the fuck. I just want to do this in the order that you're saying. Since Lila and Herb are going to grab onto the two of them, my goal is to stop at the lip. Okay. So now Herb, make a dexterity roll to grab Ralph. I got a five. Okay, so I missed Ralph. So you miss Ralph, you slingshot past Ralph.

She just biffed it. But now Ralph, you feel something. You can do that, Ralph. Maybe he got projected. She bumped into him instead of grabbing him. And now he's spitting out. Now I'm flying farther out the hole, right? If anything, you should roll if I stop first.

because if I stop, then it's just about whether or not Lila and... Well, they're behind you. So, no matter what... Yeah, go ahead, roll see if you stop at the lip. I'm assuming strength, athletics. What do you want? Let's do dexterity. And what are you doing exactly to stop at the lip of the hole?

I was going to use my strength. I don't think it's a matter of strength. I think it's a matter of like, can I grab onto the lip of this fucking thing. Yeah. Okay, so yes, you're grabbing. Athletics. As part of Dexatting strength. It's an athletic thing to do.

I'm expressing. It's fucking gymnastics. Just because I don't want to have to prep for a season five. Yeah, I'll say, yeah, you can use athletics. A natural 20. Anyways, 25. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think with that natural 20, I stopped so calmly that we can just grab them.

I don't think they should have to roll from grabbing their dexterity. Beth, what are you going to say? Sorry, sorry, I think I have advantage on decks unless I'm incapacitated. Well, you're definitely getting advantage for his natural 20 dead stuff. So at the very least, you can roll one more time, if not two. You guys look up and you see Dale, like, one-handed. He, like, stops himself at his other hand. He's just like doing a little motion.

He's just like, calm down, kids. I got you. Just hold on to Dale here. I'll get you back to shore. 16. All right. Finally, some good fucking rolls in this thing.

That was Ralph, right? Yes. All right. I mean, if you feel yourself being grabbed by your backpack, you feel safe. Yeah, I'm like holding onto the lip.

And I'm getting ready to do my acrobatic move to propel myself other direction now. Okay, once we've got it off. So now we're all as a tidy little group. So then I'm going to do my second action, my focus step of the wind. and use my bonus action to do a jump with double my distance.

And it doesn't matter. It's just going to be an 80 foot movement. I'm going to leap out towards the ship. As long as we get close, scrapping records, we'll see us. Like, they're there. And somebody's air in the door. Yeah, okay.

I was going to say you can't, like, do that safely while holding on to the actual outside of the ship. So you do kind of go into the void of space. What I do is essentially, I'm like here, right? Yeah. And I'm like hanging out because that's the movement of the pressure's coming out. Yeah. And then using my strength, I'm going to.

launching yourself in the general direction of where you remember the ship. I'm gonna fucking like, you know, like on a pommel horse. Like I'm like fighting against, I'm parallel to the wall and I'm gonna pull myself. Uh-huh. And then throw myself that way. Right, right. Across. But again, because it's a jump, I'm gonna say, there's not like stuff on the side that you could just easily handle onto.

I know, you know, as I rolled another acrobatics and I got an 18 plus five. So I had a feeling you're gonna be fine. So what happens is you manage to successfully launch yourself towards the direction you remember the ship being. You go so fast. The shape of the outside of the fuck room is weird enough that you can't really grab onto the side and like slowly move your way there. So you actually go up pretty fast. And for a second, you're connected to nothing. You're just hurtling through the void of space and you haven't even seen the ship yet.

And for a second, you're like, oh, no, maybe I chose the wrong direction. Maybe I guess this is just how we die. We're just going to float in space forever. But then the site of the top of Lila's ship crests over the horizon and you also see scrap and wreckage waiting by it. and they're just sort of idly licking their lips and looking at the engines on your ship and Scrap is like putting a fin out to wreckage. Like, no, no, no, these are friends.

And then... We're like way big. Reckage looks over to Scrap, and then over Scrapped shoulder sees you flying through space. And Reckage goes, and points at you and out with its fin. Like, yeah, yeah, you help.

And they're going to fly out to go get you. They are now part of the initiative. Okay, after that whale of a turn from Dale, it is Lila's turn. She's dangling. There's not really much she can do right now, but she turns and she points in horror at something, but you don't see that happen because she can't make a noise

because you're in the vacuum of space and you're not looking at her. Don't love that. And now it is... It's almost as if in space no one can hear you scream. Yeah. Now it is Scrap and Reckage's turn. I don't like that we're still in combat. They're going to hurdle at you with all the speed they can muster

and with a full move they reach you. Great. Everything's great. Ashley, it is your turn. Your eyes flick open just long enough. To freeze in place in the cold vacuum of space. That's part of it, certainly. As you're looking back towards the hatch that just opened up to let all the air out, you see, initially you're like, what is that? Like a bunch of jizz? What is that? Because you see a bunch of little white dots and then you realize like, oh, okay, that's all of the

technicians. This swarm, this poured, uh, as basically leap out of the top of the room. And they are all now trying to climb and grab onto the side of the ship to steady themselves. A lot of them miss and fail and go flailing out into the void. But a good, dozen of them managed to grab onto the side of the ship and they start scuttling after you like fucking spiders along the side of the ship. It's not a space station. Outside of space station. I empty the clip on the stun.

I try to switch it back to kill mode and I just open fire on all the guys that are fucking coming behind us. Nothing happens because the gun does require oxygen in the fire. What? Dang. I'm going to say we're out of initiative order for right now. Scrap and raggage quickly swoop you up and all they really need to do is each of them grabs Dale by one of Dale's hands.

Dale, you're holding two sharks and spins right now, which is pretty cute. And they are flying you back as fast as they can towards Lila's ship. Our door sees us. Your door does not see you because he's facing. He's facing outward. Yes, he's facing outward. Dory! And so it does see you.

And then you see the face on the door, its eyes get wide. And you see a bunch of air away from the airlock where you're at as the ship begins to drift away slowly. He's not in control of the door, so we can't move it towards you. Yeah. But the sharks bring you up close to the doors. so they can. And as you grab on the door, if you spare to look over your back, you see all of the, uh, the fuck scientists who followed you are now leaping off of the space station towards your ship. Faster, must go pastur. Let's do one last role for Dexterity to see if you can get

inside before the big cloud of fleshy scientists reach you. No. No. Okay. You very quickly, we'll be there. As we're going on the door, Dory sees us and sees, The legendary Dave. And busta. Blotter. Oh, blota. Blota. Sorry, my real-life fandom got in the way for a second there.

Okay, and you manage you like, it's nothing but net. You don't even, even though there's like seven of you all linked together, it's fucking nothing but net. And you go right into the ship. Dory slams the door behind you. With the natural 20, we all just land in our seats. Yeah. Like, ready to go.

Everybody's super comfortable. Dory slam shut just as you see a wave of these fucking scientists. up against the side of your ship. Shrek, wreckage. Shrek. That is not Shrek. Somebody wants. Scrub.

Oh, my God. Don't get. Sharks are like onions. Lila wrenches herself into the pilot seat, hits the burners. The ship begins to move. They're still holding on the back. And then Shrek and wreckage go onto the back. I basically just start eating.

Shrek and wreckage, you're here. Just bite. them and just throwing them off the back of the fucking ship. Oh my God, it's Shrek. Guys, it's Shrek. Is there a star nearby? A star? Yes, right. Correct.

If there's a star. Yeah. Well, no, I was going to say they might as well be walking on the sun. Oh, that's true. So the fucking scientists scattered to the four, not winds, because you're in a vacuum of space, but they go in every direction. The ship is free of the station. Scrap and wreckage are right next to you.

There's nobody on the ship anymore. Ralph drops to his knees and starts. medicine checking the shit out of fucking Ashley. Breathe, damn it, breathe! Give me a medicine roll. I feel like Dale wouldn't know how to do this. Yeah, aren't you, the lifeguard?

Was it? Would you roll medicine? Yeah, I can give a shot. Matt's back is tired from carrying this entire plan on it. I got a 20. Okay, great. With a deep breath, you come, of CO2, you come back to life, Freddie.

Oh, have they come out yet. Ashley is once again conscious. Dale looks out of Ralph, and Ashley goes, ha, got to a hundred. Or according to Christians, I got to 102. For listening, hey, we got something for you. For free on Patreon, it's called Now Dad's What I Call Music. It's one of our most requested things.

We've just gone ahead and finally done it. A collection of all our intro song parodies from all four seasons so far. A lot of people have asked for these to be like collected and gathered in one place. Well, there you go. It's hosted at Patreon. com slash Dungeons and Dads. It's going to be with most recent posts other than this episode. You know, they're hosting multiple megabytes worth of D&D podcast, parody MP3s.

I think it's fair. You got making an account if you want to download. But if you are so intrigued, there is so much more on offer behind the paywall. Starting at $5 a month. That's ad-free episodes, Discord server access, live listens, hours of bonus content. Have a poke around. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Get the songs. Check it out. Thank you. I appreciate it. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold is Dale Elliott. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Ralph Estuary is Herb, the Worm, quickly, and myself, Freddie Wong is Ashley Birch. Our theme song is conventional wisdom by Max and Wanner. Anesomran is our content producer. Ashley Blood is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing.

Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. Special shout out for our elite patrons. Sue Ratt. Dillon the Pickle and Anton. Also shout out to Alex Sanchez, Sam, Hebrough Hammer, Esther Shanks, Lisa S, Matthew Cook, Julia, Heather Marshall, Maeve Shea, Adam D, Marlowe Homes, Matt Brown, Daniel Garza, Jim Menard, Matt Straca, Chase, Darcy Hooper, Polyglottal Cracker, Emma Stollman, and Ethan Spencer. Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Merchant more at Dungeonsanddages.com. And our next episode, May 19th, we'll see you. then. Can the different sculptures kiss?

Or do they kiss? Yeah, they could kiss. What does it feel like if they're like the same person kissing? Do you feel the kiss and feel the kissing at the same time? Yeah. If you could have sex with somebody and feel both sides of it, it probably be pretty dumb. Like as cyberpunk told us. That portal move where you two the portals on top of each other and you suck your own dick.

Yeah. You're thinking about that.