Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 8 - The Rentalist

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

how to clean car floor stain what is car floor made of how to replicate car floor substance earth materialsThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Why, hello there. Tis I, scam likely. Interrupting your regularly scheduled, rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups to bring you an early scoop on my next big scam I'm cooking up. A book? People do still read these days, right? Sure, they do, probably. Well, if you want to learn more, you should probably give me a call at D-U-N-G-N-D-A-D-Y-S, which is 386-4-6-3-23-9-7. It's a real number. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Meet Dale Elliott. This retired former lifeguard is no stranger to the sea.

These days, he spends most of his time cruising around the world, and he's got the fridge to prove it. Yeah, this one here is Nassau. That one, Sitka, Alaska, this one's Paris. You know, I'm pretty sure I have the magnets from just about every place you can dock a cruise ship. I got more on the fridge in my garage if you want to see. But despite trading in his red lifeguard swim trunks for a pair of, of sandals in a Hawaiian shirt, Dale has never stopped keeping an eye out on swimmers.

Last Sunday, while taking his usual evening stroll on the beach, two swimmers caught his eye. Yeah, yeah, I could see the two of them. They were bobbing up and down and dipping in and out the surf. It's just, you know, textbook distress signals. So right away, I knew something is wrong. While onlookers stood by, Elliott sprang into action, sprinting across the sand and charging into the crashing waves fully closed, ultimately pulling 28-year-old Laura Bishop and her sister Jessica to safety. I was pulling them back on the beach,

and once I got them to safety, I took a look and I realized, hey, both these women are pregnant. Just one week later, that dramatic double rescue earned Elliot a major milestone and recognition from the city. For his heroic actions and for officially, making 100 lifetime rescues,

we dedicate this plaque to Dale Elliot. A celebration for an incredible achievement. But just outside City Hall, another kind of storm was brewing. Life begins a fur. Demonstrators disputing Dale's milestone soon arrived on the scene, with pro-choice activists saying the two unborn fetuses shouldn't count towards Dale's total record. By recognizing those unborn fetuses as individual rescues, the city is establishing a reckless precedent. For example, if those fetuses are legal persons in the eyes of the state should their mother Laura be charged with reckless endangerment by swimming near a riptide or can she list them as a dependent on her tax return. Meanwhile, counter-protesters pushed back, arguing Dale's lifetime total simply reflects biology.

Look, in the end, four heartpeats went into the water and four heartbeats came out, thanks to Mr. Elliot. Erasing those babies from the record just to satisfy a feminist agenda is what I would call reckless. The scene became so tense that Elliot had to be escorted away from the press conference through a series of hidden underground tunnels that haven't been used since the Cold War. Do you know there's a bunch of tunnels down there? Never would have thought it. Whether his lifetime total is 100 or 98, Elliot says he's just grateful he was in the right place at the right time. I just know that a lot of people would be dead if it wasn't for me. That feels pretty good.

Now he's spoken to the mayor's office and they tell Channel 6 they have no plans to alter the wording on the point. at this time. For Channel 6, I'm Marcus Vance. Up next, are your kids having teen sex? They might be, and it might not be what you think. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, or perhaps we should say, grandpas and galaxies, a grand space pauper about four gulfs who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids and perhaps the entire known universe in the process. Big perhaps there. It's D&D with the dark matter twist, and maybe even a little more of this. time. My name is Freddie Wong. I play the board in 64, the

youngest boomer, the twin galaxies era gadgeteer. You know him as Ashley Birch. You love him as Ashley Birch. He's Batchley Burch. Ashley with an E. Ashley with an E. Birch like the tree. Big fan of Star Citizen, but not a Johnny Come

lately fan of Star Citizen and the whole Robert Center Friday hasn't thought about his dad fact yet and he's just... He was a fan of the original wing commander. The Mark Hamill No, no, that's Wing Commander 4. Yeah, come on, dude. Come on.

Please. Get the fuck out of here. I never played a fucking out. Fake Wing Commander fan. You would know. I watched the Freddy Prince Jr. movie. You would know Wing Commander because Ashley's favorite part about it secretly. The first Wing Commander, and some of the other ones, too.

This is a very strange artifact of games of this era, which was you saw your hand. Oh. Do you know what I mean? Like in Doom, you see your hand. Yeah. And like your bare hand. And at a certain point, everyone put gloves on the hands in the video games. but this was back with a bear hand.

However, now here's the thing, Matt. It is a man's hand. It's a man's hand in the center, lower part of the screen, gripping a joystick and just wrestling it around. It is very much like you're just playing with your own dong. And in many ways, one might argue, we haven't fallen far from that. This was just a fact about wing commander.

That's why Ashley likes the game is because. Nobody afraid's facts are a fact about a thing. I think Freddie just got an out for himself in perpetuity, which is like, oh, yeah, yeah, he knows this thing about this video game that I know. He fucking Ashley likes a video game, and here's a fun fact about that game. No, he likes a video game because it's playing with your day with it. Do you think that more men are pilots because, like, they have, like, a joystick?

Dude, men, 100%. I haven't met a single lesbian pilot. Men is to plane. Plain boys. There's no plane boy movies. There is a plane boys movie. It's called Fly Boys. It's called Top Gun, Matt.

Yes, exactly. Got it. Top Gun is the most horse movie. Yeah, that's a horse movie. It's a horse movie. Top Gun's a horse movie. They said nobody could tame this plane. A manverick's even, yeah.

It is a cowboy. Cowboy. That is cowboys. Cowboys are horse boys. Yes, they are. Yeah, they should have called them horse boys. You're the first person ever realized that cowboys tend to be on horses. Horse boys, yes.

Matt save us. It's out of here. Matt save America. We're about to hit the hard deck. Matt, pull up. Okay, hi everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold, and I play Dale Elliott, ex-life guard, world cruise, loving grandpa who's now living the monk life,

widow of one, father of four, grandfather, seven, and friend to all. A quick little Dale fact. So Dale, he's got a little residence called the Dale HQ. It's still the family home. That's where the mail goes. That's where Zelda and him raised his beautiful children. And it's in Long Beach, right next to the harbor. Yep, on the beach side.

But that's where he always launches off on his cruises. Oh, but he's only there for like, you know, maybe a month or so out of the year. Wow. Dude, it's just like that scene up in the air when George Clooney goes to his apartment, you're like, what a sad man. But he really, he tells. Maybe your job shouldn't be firing people, George Clooney. He tells the whole family, like, when he's there.

So, like, all the family occasions are there. But also, Lila has a key to that place because he's decked out, you know, he's always trying to be the best grandpa. He's got the gaming room for her. So little does he know. I think Lila spends a lot of time there away from the. parents doing whatever she wants and playing the games when she's not supposed to when she's at the library or whatever. Dale H.

is open for everybody. Is the cool guy. Yes. You did it, Matt. A lot of people say they're going to play a cool guy and then the guy is not that cool. Dale hands out his keys to Dale HQ like other people hand out business cards. He's like, no, you're friend. Hey, I got a place in Long Beach.

Anytime you're around just hopping. Who's the weirdest person that's the deal is given his key to? Dale, yeah. I mean, every time he comes back to a new home. He doesn't know what's going to be in there. Other people have left stuff, other people have taken stuff. You don't care. I love this fact.

Take a furniture and leave the furniture. That's like the one rule of Dale HQ is if you get a key to Dale HQ, the one rules you must tend to the mailbox. He says, as long as you leave me in Almond Joy, I'm good. You just want to know. Oh, he likes Almond Joy. I like Almond joy. He's the one guy. Hi, everyone.

I'm Will Campos. I will. Ralph Estereas, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. His favorite video game is privateer to the darkening. Get the fuck out of here. No, that's not a real fact. My fact is also an apology for something that happened last episode. I take the role playing very seriously on this podcast.

By the way, real quick, sick cover. Fucking sick cover. Maybe the greatest subtitle in all of video games. I would like to apologize for a bit of poor roleplay on my part. Finally. Yeah, I was about saying. I wonder if he's thinking the same part. How far are we going back?

But I'm going to try to bankshot it into something here. So Ralph used the phrase Faust Maxing. And I was it, but maxing didn't become a thing until like 20, 25. and it's 20, you know, 19. So therefore, Ralph coined the term of maxing. Wow. Which shows up in a teen sex book, there's like Ralph's version of a cool guy, right? It was like this cool teen, Max teen.

And Max was like, whenever he did something real cool, he would say he was taking it to the max. And then other people would start calling it maxing. So it would be like, I'm looks maxing. That's like when Max puts like extra hair gel in his hair in the book. Okay. So that's, he coined that term. Took a while, but clavicular did read it. And that's where he got the idea to start saying it.

I don't think clavicular reads. He reads the teen sex books. That's canon in the show. I just made that part of the show. I think clivocular has somebody read it to him. Somebody who's less attractive than him. All of clavicular's weird ideas. That's canon in the show now.

Hi, my name is Beth May. And I play Herb the worm Quigley, a young at heart barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot. Fun fact about Herb, his favorite video game. No. I don't know any games ever. You know one. She knows Spiro and Tony Hawk.

I know Spiro and Tony Hawk. And you know what? You know what else I know? This is like my favorite game when I was like solidly in my PS2 era. And I believe it was called like MX 2002 the Ricky Carmichael game. And it was a motocross game. And it was so fun because you could have the race version of the game and the freestyle version of the game. I had the best time playing that game.

Yeah, that's MX 2002 featuring Ricky Carmichael. I'm like, I don't know who Ricky Carmichael is, but he's my guy. Can I say that if you ask a girl what her favorite video game is? Women in my experience. Everybody, go ahead. All right here, he's pulling a rope out. Yes, go on. In my experience, women have the most, like, they're like film snobs.

It is like such deep cuts for their favorite games that it's like they actually are better gamers than people who are like, oh, cold dude, you hail, too. It's like, yeah, guess what? Try pulling out MX 2002 featuring Ricky Carmichael. Like that's a true, that's like a film person being like, oh, you watch Seven Samurai, what plebeian shit? You know? That's pretty good. Much more refined taste. And they shouldn't vote.

What did you just say, Fred? No, fun fact about Herb is that Herb's dream job is to start a snow. Snow Globe Restoration Company. If the snow globe is broken or, you know, it's been sitting out a while and the water's evaporated. Herb's going to start a company that's going to pour that water back in. Can that happen? I don't know. Can the snow globe evaporate?

It's canon now because I said it. Like I'm saying in those like apocalypse movies and they come across like an empty house. And it's like, ooh, the before times they pick up a snow globe and they give it a shit. I feel like there's more snow globes than apocalypse movies than there are like in the world. It's everywhere. They're like overrepresented. I would love to see it at a Law and Order episode. They do the time of death by like, man, he died, but look, the snow globs evaporated.

I think that means we can set it in. Seven years ago. I'd love to see a medical drama where at the end, it's like in the snow globe and nothing really happened. Is that where you got the idea? Yep. Okay. I'm Anthony Birch. Hi, Anthony.

I'm your grandpa master and soon to be maybe something else, depending on how this episode goes. Nice. Anthony scared me so bad when he said we don't need D&D beyond this episode. Yeah, I don't think you'll need it, assuming things go to plane, which they never do, so what the fuck do I know? My epigram for this episode is, and I'm sure you will know who said this when I'm three sentences in. The top French pilot in World War I shot down 24 enemy planes. The top American pilot, you don't know his name, do you? Nobody does.

But it's Eddie Rickenbocker, shot down 26 enemy planes. The German ace, the Red Baron? Everyone knows who the Red Baron is. That's because he shot down 87 enemy planes. I mean, he was the best. That's from Privateer 2, The Darkening. That's from a movie. No, it's a movie, I think.

It is from a movie. It is a documentary. Probably one of the more popular documentaries. Bowling for Columbine? Yep, that is it. Damn. That's gruesome. No, this is for...

Billy Mitchell said this in the King of Kong. Oh. His explanation for why it's really important to be the best, because who remembers Eddie Rickenbocker? Dang. Okay, so when we last left you, you would successfully escaped Phoebe Waller Bridge. No, no, no.

There's no escaping Phoebe Waller Bridge. He's everywhere now. And also, let's say we. There's a lot of heavy lifting for. Matt. Matt successfully put the team on his back, a la Greg Jennings, and ran you to the end zone out of the Phoebe Waller Bridge after you pissed off the sculptor and its sculptures.

Scrap and wreckage are with you. Lila's. Shrek and Reck and Donkey are with you. And you are in the ship, presumably about to head to the next destination for your grand kid escapade, but Lila did mention that she does maybe want to go home. Oh, my God. Well, we got one of them.

We got one of Lila, you're good. You're good. No, yeah, I'm good. Wow. So we got to take her home, everybody. Oh, I don't know about that. Herb. Oh, well.

Does that know, if I remember math correctly, that does kind of put us out. This is an awkward conversation. Wait a minute. If our grand kid stays with us. while we get every other grandkid. Yeah. There doesn't matter of the order because every grandkids is going to age 40 years before we get back home.

Well, no, no, not necessarily. Because look, Lila is only going to age a couple weeks as we do there because she's with us as long as she doesn't go away. But going home, I mean, she's not going to get, yeah, she'll never see her family. You can drop me off at a spaceport. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd rather I could drop you up in a space port because this is my ship. Well, I mean, hey, yeah, hey, question for you.

Whenever you were doing the cruise, you ever need to send anything home? Do I ever send things home? From the cruise, you pick up something in Barbados. Or like a post god. Yeah, I've used mail. Can we... Can we... Well, can we do the same for your kids' kids?

I do know that back in the day... Postra stunt! Ships of the line and whaling voyagers, they would have mail for each other. And then they'd run into each other and the in line up to Goshen. And they'd be like, oh, yeah, they... Yeah, they would. The SS Ralph. And then I'd be like, oh, and I got some mail to go back home.

There was a ship named after you a man? One can only assume that there was a ship called... if says Ralph at some point, but, you know, you'd send mailbacks in Antucket or wherever, you know, or if you were, you know, from the mainland, probably like New Haven or something like that. And then your family back there, we get your mail. But the point being, we could maybe find another ship willing to give Lila passage back to Earth. Won't that make Lila age because she's no longer traveling at the speed of light with us? You know this world more than us.

I need to get home to see mom as soon as possible. Yes, I want to get, how should we do that? It sounds like you had a lot of time to do that on your own and decided not to. Well, I didn't know what was going on until the sculptor shit. showed me because he's got people on earth. Also, suck my dick. Yeah, what was that about? What?

She's chosen to go home now. I just, I... Yeah, no, no, no, you know, you bet. Please pour it on me after I found out my mom has cancer and he did get back home before she dies. I mean, it's not one... Young lady? Well, she made a mistake, Ralph.

She... That's all I want to hear. Well, cancer. You don't have to hear shit for me. I don't know who you are. Hey, Lila. Focus here. Yeah.

Ignore that noise. Easily. Ignore that noise. Don't worry. We're going to help him out. He's got a lot going on, too. happened? I didn't find out until I was in Phoebe Waller Bridge. It was something that the sculptor showed me to try to get me to join him because he has people on earth. Oh no.

Where our families are. And mom has leukemia. Oh. And it doesn't look like the kind of thing that will necessarily be okay. So 10 years is not great, but I think it is the best chance I currently have short of becoming part of the hive mind and just instantly teleporting there, but I don't trust that guy. Okay. Hmm. Well, okay. Kiddo, this is going to be rough.

Okay. Ten years is a long time. Is there any way to get home faster than ten years? Like I said, hive mind. Hive mind. That's it. Okay. Well, that's not a good option.

You're telling me the things that I just told you as if they were your idea. Yes. I know, no. I'm telling them out loud so I can understand. Okay. You're talking about it. You're also going to have to deal with the fact. that our planet is one of these dark forest worlds that I assume travel to is banned from.

You're going to have to book passage with a sort of Oregon. I guess you could fly yourself in this ship. Correct. This is my ship. I am used to going undercover and incognito because, you know, resistance fighter and such. So it is not going to be a problem for me to get back home. It will just take a while. So is there any way?

I mean, I got to help out these guys. Maybe I don't go home. No, I think you should go home. No, because the kind of sickness that she has, I don't think she has 10 years. So what's the point of me going home? Well, you don't know that. And your dad? You don't know that.

Yeah, my dad, I guess. Your siblings? I mean, they're going to miss you. That's just being another loss in their life. I got a question. Yeah, what's that perfect? So is it possible to do like a trial run of this hive mind? You know, like a seven-day, sometimes I click on the seven-day feel, if I want to watch a movie and I want to

a website and yeah, I'm going to be honest. Sometimes it's the pornographic websites. That's fine. That's wrong with that. And sometimes I want to watch, you know, what happens next? And so they're like, yeah, subscribe, subscribe. Sometimes they explicitly ask you what happens next. And so I click subscribe.

But I used to accidentally wind up subscribe for a long time, which it seems like, you know, the bad part of being in the high mind. Now I set a little reminder. on my jitterbug, and it reminds me that in seven days, cancel the subscription. So can you do that with, like, the hive mind? I don't know. I would suspect not.

Like, if I'm in the hive mine, that means if I try to leave and they don't want me to leave, I would be struggling against, like, who knows how many mines are in the hive. You're also going to be an improper bit of a problem because we just sort of rather upset everyone in the hive mind. I don't know that they would take right Lila back here. I think the young lady,

I think the best course of action would be for you to take your ship back home and for us to find a new means of conveyance to find the rest of our grandkids. That's just my vote. I just realized that my subscription, I didn't cancel it and it's been 10 years. Oh, no, it's the opposite. It's the opposite of like having money in the bank. Dale is kind of sitting in the corner.

He kind of sat down for a moment and he's like, I appreciate you guys are going on. lot, but honestly, this isn't about you. You don't vote on what Lila wants to do. Oh, man. I mean, the fact is I'm not going to be there for my little girl during this time. And it's going to be hard. I guess you only know about that.

You could come back too. Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out, but it's going to be 10 years. You did he any more information? No, he just showed me an orderly at the hospital that she's at, basically just looked at her chart, and I got to see what was on the chart. Okay. I guess the question is, I think I know what I know. need to do right now. I'm in the situation. It's a lot. It's too much for me to understand, but I know that earth's in trouble also. I know that these three fine gents also need to find their grandkids,

and I know you need to get home. But I think there's a whole universe out there. There's so much that we even learn. I still have to believe there's a way to get home faster. So you seem smart. I don't know if you want to work on getting home faster, or you just need to go home and maybe I can find a way, maybe I can give you something to give to your mom. Oh yeah. Do you have any of my presence? Oh, I mean, yeah. Of course I didn't throw them. I just made a show of it.

I would never actually. Okay, great. Yeah, one of those will be moms. Oh, I mean, yeah, I'll give her something. I was going to write something to her. Or again, maybe if we can get that high of mine situation, maybe if I can talk to one of them, maybe even they can, you know, at least talk to her for me.

But I'm here for you, kiddo. Whatever you need. Don't worry about me. What is it that you want to do? Well, the first thing I want to do is get to the nearest space port. And I've got a sort of a stipend for shit that I gave myself for emergencies, and I can get you another ship, or at least a rental, which you can then just steal. Okay.

Now we can do that. And once I'm there, almost certainly there will be a sculpture on board somewhere. And if you want to talk to the sculptor again, we probably can. Wait, how spread out in the galaxy are these guys? I have no idea, but it seemed like potentially anywhere. And if they're going to be anywhere, they're going to be at a port of call. and the nearest space station is one of the more heavily trafficked ones. So what do we do?

Just show up there and put our hand up and let them find us? I wouldn't do anything to put us in danger. You guys in danger of finding your grandkids. I think if Lila, if that's the way you want to go home, I know you're going to do everything you can to get home fast. I guess it'll be 10 years, but maybe there's a way faster. Or if I find out, I'm wondering, is there a way we can stay in communication, even if it's delayed as you're traveling away?

Yeah, we can send messages to my ship. but like you said, they'll be pretty delayed. Yeah, I'll get more and more delayed as time goes on, huh? Dale, you can go too, you know? You don't have to stick around with us old geezes. Yeah, but then I don't know what I'll do for the next, like, 84 episodes. I mean, it'd be kind of shitty if he did. I'm just going to say that.

I mean, I have my heart breaks for you, Dale. No, no, no. I already said, look, I'm not going to go. You know, I learned not to give my opinion unless it's asked for. So, uh, when? In the last, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just a rule of mine. It's just a rule of mine that if I have 30 seconds from now, it's probably the best not to say it unless it's asked for. So I'm just not going to say anything.

I appreciate that. I think I have to stay with you guys. I think I have to finish this. I think I have to do my best to save. And she's by, I mean, it could be so long. I don't even know if she'll still be there or even if I get there, how this, it's, I have to have that there's hope that there'll be a way to get there maybe faster. And Lila, I think if you're ready to go home, go home. I know you're going to do fine. You're going to be able to get there on your own. if that's what you want to do. That is what I want to do. How can get an old grandpa, Dale, help?

You can stop that one from talking, and she points at Ralph. And I will get us to the nearest space station. Okay. And then we'll be good. Is that good with everybody? Ignoring our valid opinions that we have in terms of our practical action, we're going to go. She's going to get us a new ship, and she's going to take her ship, which is hers,

back home. And I'm going to be with you guys, and we're going to find the rest of the grandkids. Does that mean that why we'll a kid? keeps Dory? If you're looking at other reasons why this is a good idea, yes. That's another good reason. Do you guys say my name? Dory, yeah.

You belong to the ship, don't you? I belong to the even bloater. I think Dory could come with us. Oh, I go. Sorry, I forgot. Sometimes I forget things and I can't really remember them, but then somebody reminds me and I remember again. It's her reminding ghosts.

And so, yeah, yeah, exactly. You reminded me that that's what reminding is. So, Dor. I can detach myself and go on to any other ship. Oh. With a similar size to airlock, but thankfully they're mostly standardized to be roughly this size. Oh. Dory, is there, do you have like a voice setting?

Is there a way? I'm just curious because I want to know more about you. This lady had the right idea about you. You're judgy smurf. Well, I, I'm not an opinion. Just asking a curious question, which is I'm curious with you regards to you. Do you have a voice setting? Yeah, do you have a tone setting around?

I'm not a machine. But I've been lost. Lila ship. Lila decides that Dory stays or not. Dory's not mine. I don't want Dory. We can take Dory if we want, okay? For the record, I can do some fun voices. Okay.

You do voices? I just, from time to time. I've done it. Well, hit this with one. I do Ralph Nader. Ralph Nader. The Ford Pinto is unsafe at any speed. That's my Ralph Nader.

Pretty good. Dead on, man. Thank you. I don't know who that is, but I'm sure it's good. Dad, did you hear that's incredible. vote for Nader every election no matter who's on the ballot. Of course you do.

Of course you fucking do. Oh, you apologize for voting for probably the single American who saved the most lives in America period. What do you mean? Thank you, Ashley. I think about it for a second. His legislation pushed seatbelts into cars. I didn't know he did that.

Like, that's him. Like, just stray that. Unsafeiting speed basically. This is lily speaking. I didn't know that you did. Yeah. Like, if you just go by the numbers, it's him and Borlaug, basically, in terms of lives. He's responsible. You know, he saves people's lives. They should call him Nader belts or Ralph Beltz.

I just realized we have the same name me and Ralph Nader. Oh, that's fun. I think you just paid out as we start driving towards a few hours out of this later. All right, who wants to hear my Colin Powell? Yes, I would love to hear you. Let's hear Colin Powell. Let's hear it. Dale, by the way, the whole time he was.

Wait, wait, I was in my room writing like a long letter to all my kids. But then the moment Dale's like writing, he's, you know, you hear. little sobs here and there. He's talking. And then the moment he says, I can do Colin Powell. Dale just puts down his pant and goes running out. He's like, oh yeah, I got to hear this. I got to hear this, Ralph. Do that voice. Call in Powell. Leadership is the art of accomplishing more than the science of management says is possible. He just walks back into his room to keep writing a letter. You know who said perpetual optimism is a force multiplayer? Coln Powell. So you guys arrive at Outpost Temporary, which is a name given to us

by Heather. Thank you, Heather. Outpost temporary is not unlike McFadding Gate, a very large spaceport. This one looks to be even larger and more busy than McFaddengate. It is not going to be hard to get in, more or less unnoticed because the sheer volume of ships going in and out. Sounds like the Americana at Christmas, am I right? And you dock and she goes, hey, okay, so here's some money and she just hand you a single stick. It's credits because obviously it's credits here. Wow, thanks. Wow. Just rolls a reverse. You have someone hand you something. Yeah, yeah, He uses responsibility. Only remember it.

Oh, and check on Dale HQ when you get back. See if it's. Oh. You can probably live there at this point. I think at this bar, I mean, oh, boy, I don't know,

10 years. It's all right off. They might have squatters right by this point. Yeah, but I got enough friends that go in and out of there, I doubt it. Okay, fair enough.

You know how it is. I'll check it out. But it's yours. I'm giving it to you at this point. Okay. Let me add that. Let me add a little, he's got stacks of letters.

There's like, he's written so many of things. Okay. They all got labeled to all the different kids. Now it's like, now it's like a legal talk. He's like, right? He's like, I hear by, I don't know if this is legally. You say hereby.

That makes it legal. Yeah. It's like, I do not give Facebook permission to use my post against me. They probably have a notary public here. Yeah, I don't know if it would be relevant for us. But I write that as also my, my passwords. Fucking notary publics are like a secret Jedi order to go from. That's what I was going to do.

My time is past now. This is my Netflix passwords. This is like my door codes. you got all the information here that you'll need. And then if you could just give the letters to all your aunts and uncles. Yeah. And of course, Marin, again, hopefully, I mean, she'll be, she'll be okay. I mean, she's done so well without me, you know, she'll be fine.

She nods at you clearly not believing in what you're saying or, you know, at the very least giving you permission to believe this very likely untrue thing that you're saying. And hands you this credit stick. And she says, there's enough on there to rent a ship. You will have to steal it. They will eventually come after you. But by that time, you can probably steal another ship and probably buy some, some, sundries if you need um bye okay lily bean you have a whole life ahead of you i hope it goes well

and yeah i guess i honestly i feel lucky i got to see i didn't even know i live long enough to see you this age you've grown up and again i'm sorry i won't see the rest of it but uh get home safe and uh i love you lily bean her voice doesn't waver at all but a tear or two is running down her cheeks and she says yeah uh thanks for saving me from the b b bwaller bridge And then I hold a bug that are little comments like, besides, I'll probably be bugging you every once in a while anyways. Yeah, I may not be able to get those. I may sometimes, some of them may come through, but if you ask me for like tech support on the ship, I may not be around to help with that. And I'm sorry for the stuff.

I love you. I love you as well. And I give her a big hug. And she returns it kind of half-heartedly because she's still a little bit. Oh, come on. Oh, real good. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay. And, yeah, the last you see of her is the little hole in Dory's mouth that is revealed when he speaks as she watches you walk back into the station. And then you see Dory detach from her ship and start floating around in the space outside.

Whoa, Dory can fucking hover, dude. That's crazy. Well, it's not hovering. I mean, it's in space. So it's just like floating. Okay, guys, so when you bark, I can just detach after the airlock is sealed. And then I'll just stay right here. I'll just stay right here and I'll wait for you to come pick me up.

And your new ship. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Keep the meter running, Dory. Quick cuddle. We can talk far away from. Far away.

Let's keep walking. Let's keep walking. Let's keep walking. All right. Really quick. Hey. I don't want to say, you okay?

How are you doing? I want to say that you guys are not very chill in that situation. And let's just leave it. Let's just leave it at that. And let's move forward. forward and let's get your grandkids. In which situation was that? No, I hope you're actually pretty fine.

Ralph, I mean, Dale, I can't help, but I feel like that comment was directed to me. So if you have something else to say, I'd like to hear it. I'm asking your opinion. I have nothing else to say. Hey, he did the thing he asked for the opinion. Nothing else to say. Okay.

Okay. I think. Ralph, in my opinion, Dale is very mad at you. Well, okay. I think we only got so much time. left. We got to find your other grandkids. Let's figure out who we're going.

And let's pick a ship. Let's pick a ship and have a good time all together. And let's go save the next grandkid, okay? If it's all right for me to offer an unsolicited opinion. It is. We want your opinion. I will never take away your rights. You have the right to do whatever you want, Ralph.

Dale's a libertarian. Well, I appreciate that. I just want to say that seems like me might be on this mission for a while together. And if there's any unspoken hostilities, I think it would be better to air them out. He really shouldn't have just done the acid thing to that guy. He was way too powerful. But he was going to blow up the earth, Ralph. He was going to say, I know.

He wasn't going to do it right then and there. He wouldn't have his finger hovering on the button. Now we got to watch our back everywhere we go. Little movie called the one where Tom Cruise tries to kill Hitler. And you know what I was saying? He was next to Hitler a bunch of times and could have just shot him. But he was too worried about saving his own skin. So he didn't.

and then we had hit. And the guy roll. That's the moral of that movie is that Tom Cruise was a pussy. So I had, I was in the room with him, and I took a shot and did it work? I don't know. It clearly didn't, but I'm willing to stand by the consequences of my action. And frankly, as well, I've worked up ahead of steam,

Dale, hold on. I think your granddaughter had plenty of time to go home, but she decided to be on both sides of a generational, genocidal space war. So my fucking sympathies are a little limited for her. So while you're saying that you look and Dale's not listening anymore, and I rolled 14. I'm seeing if there's any like,

the equivalent of like lays when you land in Hawaii. Are there any just like nice chill? Yeah. Gifts shop like type like, you know, smoothie, anything. Anything that would that would work island life,

put in space. You see a strange species called the island boys. Island boys. Again, a couple white guys were like that. A couple white guys said island boys and that's the voice that we're doing is those white guys's voices. There's,

There's a squid right next to the... Dude, I love when I'm on a cruise and there's a squid, man. And it's holding out in two of its tentacles. What looks to be a necklace, but if you walk over, she clips either side of a necklace to your ears. So it's kind of like both earrings and a necklace at the same time that goes across your neck. And it's like this kind of like shimmering silver material.

So I already swiped my card and I bought four of those. Okay. And so after you said that, you turn around, Dale's already got one on. He's like, I hear you, bud. I hear what you're all saying. and I put one as like, hey, like you says, it's gonna be a long time. Let's enjoy ourselves.

I totally get it. Here you go. Hey, hey, Ashley, here's like this. I thought this look like a good color on you. Oh, okay. Oh, it brings out your eyes, actually. I just want to point out, just all say one thing. I just want to point out that Tom Cruise didn't succeed in the movie.

I hear that, man. That must be tough for you. So we go pick out a ship. And do we know who we're going to? Hold on. Hold on. First and foremost, could you describe the spaceport before us now in this new wonderful world and just kind of what the shops in this out of the world? Oh, yeah. Shopping. Okay, you want to go shopping first. I just want to see what's available to us. Oh, I mean? When a mall is like,

oh, with an E and two P's? Wow, it's got a promenade. That's cool. Wow. Owing to its name, Station temporary, despite how fucking big it is, it looks kind of shitty. It is not aesthetically pleasing in the slightest because it looks to be a bunch of shit built on other shit over time. Nothing was cohesively, holistically designed and assembled. They just seemed to keep expanding it outwards. Sounds like Fremont Street, am I right?

So you see, basically you see all space versions of the kind of stores you might imagine seeing at LAX in the international terminal. So there are clothing places, there are tech places, there are food places, there are DD3 places. What's the tech shop?

What's the tech shop? So the tech shop is... Like a moth to a flame. Sure. Ashley Birch is bedazzled. by the massage chairs and probably gadgets and gizmos. There's also bathroom that's a duty-free and they only have urinals. Nice.

Fuck. Shit, that is, you know what? That's a grandpaw joke. That's not a dad joke. That is a grandpaw joke. So you do get inspiration for that. Daryl starts walking towards the bathroom and he looks like he says duty free. Your name's back.

Daryl is Dale. Sorry, shit, Dale. Well, there goes your inspiration. Sorry, you lost it. No, we're going to cut that part out. We're going to cut that bar to myself, inspiration. Okay, great. Fine.

It won't make sense. It won't make sense. You'll forget that you have it. It doesn't even matter. It won't make sense. It won't have inspiration later because we're going to cut that part out. You see a shop called Jorby's Jibbies with Jays. That name was sent to us by Ignition Point.

They intended it to be a character name, but I like it as a tech store. Jorby's Jibbies. Jorby's Jibbies. Jorby here. I need to speak to Jorby. Jorby Leport. So there's a hair. So there's a big pile of hair on the desk.

Not like a triple, not like a little orb, just like a pile of hair. And it starts to. vibrate and it goes, no, it's a franchise? Can I help you? What are you in the mood for? I'm looking for what's the latest. Well, first and foremost. Oh, you need a new drone.

Get whatever you want, buddy, and this one's on me. Scan this card. How much crypto do we have on this? All right, let me scan that. There you go. We're like sticto. His eyes get big that he grows. But he's a pile of hair.

His hair eyes turn into dollar sides. Yeah, yeah. Two eyeballs pop out of the pile of hair like, oh, yeah. This guy rules. And he's like, how'd you like to join up? He's like, you've got enough. Well, let me tell you.

How do you normally see? You only clear it. I was trying to nap. Nobody ever comes in here. Wow, people come in here. Look at all this cool stuff. Wait, what's the latest? It's way overpriced here, but not for you.

Shut up and tell me what's the latest. What did I do? What's the latest? I'm just trying to take a nap. What's, well, do your job, kid. What's the latest, coolest, deadliest, coolest thing? Okay, well, I don't know about deadliest, but I do know this. And the hair just like plays a saxophone.

The hair like Lord Jaboo Jaboo from O'Hawring of Time. What's his name? What's your name, bud? What's your name? What's your name? Harry? Might as well be Harry. No, that's not your name.

You're just being nice to us. Coincidence. Hey, it's crazy. He's trying to make us Earthlings feel normal. This name was sent to us by Sam. My name is Bumpchuggins. Bump chuggins. Holy shit.

That's a good name for this. Yeah. Can we call you Bump? That is my first name, so yes, you can. What is the coolest thing in here? What's the thing that's flying off the shelves? Yeah, let me just get to it. Oh, you want me to the hand?

That would actually be great. If you could carry me to the disc-looking thing over there, the holiday... Oh, now that we know it is, we don't need to bring you there. Well, yeah, but now I can't give you the cell. I got to get the security cameras on it. I got to see me give you the cell. Oh, okay, okay. So what we have here is a drive disc.

So if you've ever seen, it's from a dark forest planet, a little documentary called Tron. Have you seen that? It doesn't matter. This disc, if you toss it onto the... Was Gerletto? No, that hadn't come out yet. No?

Unless you're thinking of someone else. He should be in the next one. Now there's a guy who could break the speed of light. 30 seconds to Mars? How do we get that technology? I think at this point, you would be able to know enough about Geroletto to be fucked up to be a fan of him. But that's fine. This is fine.

That thing there is a drive disc. and when you throw it on the ground, if it's still got energy in it, it will basically transform into a two-person sort of motorbike that's electrically powered. Oh, that happened to me, man. You turned into a motorbike? That movie.

Oh, okay. Oh, he knows it's a movie. What do you mean he knows it's a movie? It's my life, man. Yeah, never mind. But yeah, we only got one of these. No, we only have one, unfortunately. But I can sell it to you at...

Double price. Yeah, not a markup, he says, winking. Oh, that's fine. Oh, hold on, hold on. I think it's cool. I could use a little cool toy right now. Man, couldn't we all? Man.

A little cool toy. The hair moves up and down like it's nodding and it's like, yeah, man, couldn't we all? I could use a cool. Sometimes you just need a cool toy. That's why jewelry's jubbies exist because sometimes you just need a cool toy. That's actually a joke. That's a joke. Sometimes you just need a cool toy.

So I swip the card. Wait, I want to buy something too. Oh, whatever you guys want. I can't help out. And this is just my opinion, which I said I wouldn't give, but I'm giving myself a special exemption because it's important. Does Will actually think you're using this consistently? Hi, Ralph is the character that I play. Okay.

I Ralph play in my, because everyone is a mask of themselves. And I am giving myself permission to give my opinion because I think it's an emergency. Go ahead. We only have so much money. We don't know how much a ship costs. I don't want to get a ship place and we got six motorbikes and sunglasses because we're feeling bad

because... Oh, you guys don't know. I can lay it out for you. Do you take refunds? You're right. We should only get what I want. Hold on, hold on. Could this buy a ship the rest of this?

Can we rent a ship and buy one thing that we all want? Yes. It will be a ship that is not super high end. It will not be a luxe, but it'll be, you know, a family cruiser. I mean, I'd rather have like a pretty cool ship in this awesome thing.

I got this. You don't think in your age you should be riding a motorcycle. That's all I'm saying. That's fine. You don't have to. Because when you get on it, it does a protective dome bubble

over the right. I bought it even before I knew that. If, if he says narrowing his eyes, you pay for the dome bubble upgrade. Oh, yeah, of course. Hold on, hold on.

Hold on. In that case, hold on. Three hours later. That's all the optional upgrades. Dale, Dale. Dale. Hold on, Dale, Dale.

I've had some experience negotiating with these kinds of guys. Give me a second, would you? Sure. I'd like to pay more for just a picture of it. Okay. Deal.

No, I'm not giving him the card. But he said. I know. I'm pointing at him. But that's what. Now, are there cooler ones I could pre-order that look better, but I don't get to have? I personally sell cooler ones

that you could pre-order, yes. But just me. We have to do it outside at the confines of us. Jimmy Shadows. You turn around, Dale's got four drinks from just a kiosk nearby or whatever. I want to roll. I got two, so they're not very good. No, they're terrible.

You actually got four buckets of motor oil. Okay, well, here you guys go drink up. Do you want to buy anything here, or should we go get a ship? I need a weapon. Okay. I feel like you guys should have. This one keeps getting cut off. Oh, yeah.

I just feel like you have the urgency to find your grandkids. I'm the one trying to push us. Go do that. Oh, when you put it like that, yeah, I don't want anything. Oh, no. I mean to take stop you. Even if I did find something really cool. What did you find?

Because as long as we're blowing money, I guess you might as well buy something too. Well, it's like sometimes when I'm on the bus and I'm looking at my videos, people around me can't hear them enough. And so I want like an amplifier so that they can hear too and they can enjoy too. You know, I'm just thinking of the people. So you want something to make your phone louder. Yes. You have something that can make a video loud.

We do have speakers, yes. We have several speakers. We have a speaker that also takes way more battery life, but it also doubles as a motion tracker. You have a speaker that will amplify your phone, is what you're saying, but also translate to every language nearby so that everybody can hear what's it, because you want them to hear what you're talking about. I do, yeah.

Well, I mean, translation isn't a big deal because we've all got, you know, the... Oh, great. We can all understand every language. That's cool. Hey, this was on Lila. All right. We'll take it. All right.

You want something? I live a little. Could I interest you in a hole cutter or a relay station? What is a relay station? Let me Google it. I wrote it down for myself. Maybe like a journal, something you could put your thoughts in. Quietly.

That rules. That rules. It's such a powerful role play game energy, Matt. This is relay station. It's a set of three. And basically it extends the range of any incoming signal. It's like a go-between. It's like a two cans and a string between any other signals in the area.

So that as long as you're within 100 miles of any given signal, you can interface with that within range. I'm going to be honest, this sounds like not something that this podcast would ever keep track of this. I don't like that. Back into the back it goes. No, I think I'll go ahead. You know what?

I'm going to save a little bit. of Ralph money. Okay. And if we see something else, I might buy it or I might buy something at the next porticole. Sounds good. Or we can just put it into the ship.

How about a weapon? I need a weapon. Who's got weapons? You're probably not here. This is all like... No, I got knives. No, I want to go to a different store. Oh, a weapon store.

Hey, bump. It's been great, man. It has been... Hey, thanks. I do make commission, so this has been extremely great for me. Can I ask you one question, bump? You can ask me as many questions as you want

if you keep buying stuff. What are you? Okay, but that's advanced enough. What are you, though? You know what? I was having a good time in this conversation. What are you? And then you went and said stuff like that.

I just, I'm curious. Hey, Anthony, I'm looking for two things. Excuse him. We're all a little ignorant. Honestly, we've only seen people like us. I just would love to know what's, what, what they call you back home? Where are you from? Oh, I don't call me.

They call me Bump. I don't, that's rude. Where are you from? Let me see. I am from Nega, Kansas. No, but. And he was into us by Lauren Jackson. Bump.

I'm looking for weapons and like one of those mall oxygen recharge station. stations. I'm feeling a little, it's just so everyone knows. I'm kind of limping along here at 1 HP. Oh, I didn't know, actually. We get a ship and we rest in our ship. But isn't there a cool kiosk where I can like have like multicolored bubbles and like breathe the thing?

Roll. Come on. Come on. Come on. Let me have a cool multi-bubble ship until 17. Yeah. Yeah, there's one of those right there. And he points to a guy that looks like a seal and he's standing next to a big multicolored two. How do you think he got all his facial scar?

His booth is called Power, Pleasure, Pain, and you can hook yourself into it. From bed bath and beyond. And he goes, what does he'll sound like? He's British, right? He goes, yeah, yeah. Okay, so he goes, yeah, we sell any kind of a feeling you want. I do like that you took out.

I'm like, yo, I told you to give me the best. He gave me these four motor oils. What are you doing? Yeah, you said you want something for the ship. Oh, okay. Well, yes, let's do whatever you want. Drink. Drink.

I did hear shit. Okay. So what do you want to feel? What do you want? I want to be a kiss by a rose. Okay, I can do, I can program it a minute, sure. I want to feel like my little girl's going to be okay. Okay, okay.

Let me write these down. All right, let me be kissed by a rose. And a feeling little girl is going to be okay. I feel like mine should have been better than that. Once I heard it is I got kind of self-conscious. I haven't made it yet. Don't be sad because. You're not sad right now.

Enjoy your life. Have a good time. That's what I want to feel. What he just said, I want to feel that. Is this like an emotion spath that we're going into it? No, it's a drink that makes you feel anything you want. I'd like to feel that my roses in bloom. Okay, so kind of similar to the other ones.

So you can share the mask if you want. Oh, wait. No, I want to feel not too happy, not too sad. Just okay. Okay. I can do that. We get a lot of pain. Some antidepressants in there.

So the seal. What was Ralph want? What do what? I, you know, I, come on. Have a drink with us. We're all having a drink in the mud. Do you want to feel like somebody asked you for your opinion? Oh, I mean, my God.

The four of us are in this together. I appreciate everything done. Have a drink with us, Ralph. All right. Feel what you want to feel. I want to feel like this is all going to work out. I want to feel like it's going to be all right. Nice.

But I don't want to feel that way just because a drink made me feel that way. Do you know what I mean? So I'll have a spray. Don't worry. It wears off after like 10 minutes. It wears off after like 10 minutes. It's just a fun. What, what?

What, what do you mean? What, you think that just because something you drink makes you feel a certain way, that it's not what you're, like, supposed to feel or whatever? Quite literally, that is what I think. I just, you know, I... We're just having a bit of fun for literally 10 minutes. What if the drink made you... Back on ear, I'm just going to say this quietly so nobody knows we're from Earth.

Back on Earth, would you... Would you believe I take a substance every single day that makes me not who I actually am? And yet, everybody around me says it makes me a better person. So I think you can let loose with one little drink that I'll make you feel what you're meant to. I mean, you know, whatever you can, you know, feel. How about this? This is an ethically fraught conversation. You, well, you know, it's not against people taking medication that they need to, you know, function.

and the way that they feel is functional for their life. I think that that's great. I just, you know what? I'm a little, as the kids would say in my feelings right now, you all tell me how you think I should feel and then put that in the drink, and that'll be how I feel for a little bit. Nah, it's no fun anymore.

I take a drink and I hand you the little credit. It's like, Ralph, you're in charge. Go, lead the group. Lead the group, Ralph. I want to drink my drink. Fucking chill. All right, so you drink your drink and you get the feeling of being essentially kissed by a rose.

Oh. If you want to share that with Herb, you can. Herb, you got to try this. Okay, I'm going to try it. Wow, that was delightful. You take a drink, and then you know that when it snows, your eyes become light in the light that you shine can be seen. As I'm ranting to, it's like, I'm crying.

It's like, before you ask, these are tears of joy because I think my tires are going to be okay. Yeah, you're weeping with joy. Herb, you actually feel okay. Nice. You feel like even keeled for the first time. It actually kind of reminds you of what being on your meds are like, because you've been off them for a bit now. I've been experimenting, you know, different things.

that have kept me on course. You know, I haven't done anything crazy, right? I would like to know how many hit points I feel. So you're going to get one... This was for hit points. Well, I was hoping. You're going to get one extra hit point right now. This doesn't recover me?

No. I don't think they sell... You need a long rest. You're going to have to rest, but it's going to be fine. What you said was you wanted to think with bubbles that you could drink. It's not like a back-ticket situation. Every time I drink something with bubbles, I get all. my hit points back.

Damn, the empty Coke bottle in front of you tells the tail. Yeah. You get a hit point back and you feel seal worthy. Hey, question. I need a weapon. Boys, we've come into so many situations. I think if we don't get this guy a weapon, he's going to freak out. I'm also going to put it.

I need a weapon, not a question. Okay, so you see a store named Area 61. That name was sent to us by Haley Madison. Thank you, Haley. And within, you see some typical shit. You see a blaster or two. You see something that doesn't make any sense. It looks like a tuba.

And then you see what catches your eye. It almost looks like a butterfly net. And the salesman is sort of demonstrating it for another customer. And he like unsheaves it. And it telescopes out. And the net actually activates. And it's like made of electricity. And now he's basically holding this like electric net.

The employee says, and just watch what it does to this dummy. And he goes, here. And he curls the. There's a dumb guy. He's like, ow. It looks like he's casting. a fishing line and the net flies off of the thing that he's holding and

encircles the dummy and basically has it trapped and he goes that's a taser net it can be lethal or non-lethal depending on the kind of vultures you want to put into the net but that is on sale today I'll take it don't give it don't sell to this guy I want it we have multiple I want it I want the floor model

it's cheaper oh okay what's the trick you know and you know it works You had Freddie the second you said unsheaved. That was the moment he was in. Okay, so you buy the tasernet as well. And I leave and I round up for charity. Oh, that's so nice.

They ring a little bell? Yeah. It rings a little bell, but the bell's sentient. Every time you buy a taser net, they send one to a child in need of a taser net. I posted the stat block forward in our Discord. And you also have the disc drive, the light cycle type thing. Oh. That's the name of the Mad Mac style lord of the mall.

is orange julius. Yeah, he's sitting on a throne made of vitamin C, just pure vitamin, just powder. And his queen, Antiennes. God, that's the ultimate woman. I'm just thinking about being married. The ultimate woman is a pretzel. Oh, my God. Would you rather be married to Anteans or Dairy Queen?

Ooh. Prentils are vegan, so I would say, I would say, Antian. Yeah, I love a pretzel. Yeah, but dairy queen will turn the buzzer. I'll go upside down before I fuck you. Is there a female cereal mascot? Oh my God, there's not. Oh my God.

What the fuck? Holy shit. There's literally not one. Hey, yeah. Okay, the closest thing that we've got is that. Is Tony the time. You know those temporary monster cereals, like, boo-berry and something? Yeah.

There was one called Carmelah Creeper that's Paranel. Apple series. That's weird. There's one called Slutberry. These ones are ho-hos. Unfortunately, I did find this out on the Big Bang Theory subreddit because the observation you just made was also made

in the Big Bang Theory. Sam. You know, that show had some good ideas. There should be. With ideas. They just took an observation. Two can Sam. Two-can Sam.

Yeah, it could be Samantha. I guess. It could be. Basel. We don't know what. That was the most grandpa trying to be chill with trans stuff Tone I've never heard in my life Holy shit

Oh no no no no no no the bee from Honey Nut Cheerios That's the guy No because bees are women No not all bees are women What bees are women? What do you mean bees are women? All women are bees because he's an in cell Bee honey nut Cheerios

Most bees you see for pollin and nectar are female. But that doesn't mean bees are women. That's the crazy thing you've ever said. It's just it's a matriarchal. Yeah. It's a utopia. Bees are women. That's going as an extra.

That's the next January of the year after in the calendar of the mad calendar is that. You're telling me a honey nutted in these charios. Okay. So you come across. It's basically a rental car station, you know, like a fucking advantage or whatever hurts. On the line is interminable. No, not really. Not on this one.

You're going to thank God. Hertz is the only woman rental car agency. Yeah. Dollar is a guy place for sure. For sure. Avis? That's a girl. No, Avis is non-binary.

What about dollar? Alamo. Alamo. Aller. Let's just keep saying store names in a bunch of gender we think it is. Look at the ships What do you got? Oh, I see a new customer

You want a rental car? You're looking for something To make you go fast? This is the guy that sells Old-timey apothecary potions. I also run this stand for rental cars. What do you wear?

You also want some Apothecary versions? I have some. I love your stay-up special, John Mullaney. I have drafts that can cure your rafts. I have potions that can move your oceans and I have cars

that can get you from place to... I have spaceships. This is how much money we have. And we don't want to use... We want to use, like, half of it. Oh, well, wah-wah, and then half of the word we, you only want to use half of this. Okay, well, I can get you something that you will find

more than helpful for your uses, presuming your uses are not going that far and then bringing it back. We just want a regular ship without all the fru-frus. We just want a ship that'll get you from A to B, like they used to make in America back in the day. Do you want a light drive or no? Whatever is fast. Yeah, light drives pretty fast.

You go at the speed of light, so... Whoa. Okay. Well, yeah. I mean, we gotta get to your grandkids as soon as possible. And back to return the ship. And to return it, of course. Of course, we're going to return it. Okay, now I'm a little suspicious, but that's fine.

You know what? I like the kind of your jab. I like the look of you. I'm going to give you a week to bring it back. Okay. We're renting. Yeah. Oh, if that's a lot of wah-wawal, we-wound money,

like how much money do you ever spend renting a car or a spaceship? I thought I was going to be able to sell you on the Lux, but apparently not. Although, I will say, if you do want one with a light- Do we buy a spaceship with this amount? No. Okay. Okay.

I'm just trying to understand the economy. That's crazy for this guy to go, whoa, whoa, we watch to an amount that you came and buy a basic form of transportation with. That seems like an outsized reaction based on what we understand of the economy. No, I will say, I get impressed by round numbers. It just happened to be. You have a thousand credits on here. If I went to Hertz, it was like, I have a thousand dollars. What can I get?

Whoa. Holy shit. We got a man you're building here. Bob, Bob, come see this. This must be one of the Gary Grandson. I have a question for you. I got an answer. If we have it for a week and we go faster than the speed of light,

then aren't we... At the speed of light. Okay. As we've learned quite painfully, if we travel for a week at the speed of light, won't that mean we are 10 years overdue to return our ship? Yeah, but that would be illegal. So we can't use the light drive that you rent us?

Well, you can't if you, pay for the light drive upgrade. Oh, okay. But you just, but, but it's still, that brings me back to my original point, which is then I would need an extra 10 years on the rental to get it back to you. Yeah, if you pay for the light drive up. Are there other other start? You go with the fees.

Other other locations that we can drop off at rather than return. Oh, yeah, we're everywhere. Okay, there you go. No big deal. No big deal. All right. All right. Well, then I'll take the red.

I'm really glad I sketched out the details of this rental car space policy for our podcast. No, it's important. It's important. It's important. It's important. It really feels like I'm in the universe now. This is definitely going to come back at some point. What's the name of this ship?

Well, you get to name it. Oh, my God. You can name your rental car. I mean, I can tell you what model it is, but that's not going to, who cares. What model is it? It's the 5x C3C. The 5x C3C. No, it's C.

It's like we're going to say F and then you said C halfway through saying Fuh. Tell me straight. Five X three C's fee. Should we pay for the gas or should we bring it back filled up? Tell me the truth. Do you guys got, you know what I mean? If you don't pay for the gas, they will rake you over the coals. Yeah, it's worse.

Okay. Yeah, we'll bring it filled up, right? We'll bring it back filled up. Are there any ship gas stations near here? There's ship gas stations everywhere. Nice. Good. Yeah, we know because we're from around here.

And we are normal. If you rent a boat, Anthony, you do not get to officially rename it. Really? Okay. Well, yeah, I can tell you the model. I didn't give her a name. We'll pay for the renamed upgrade. I didn't even give him a gender rename.

We'll pay for the remade up. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, well, well. that is going to empty you out. Whoa. Oh, man. I think we're just stuck with it.

It's got to be a great name, fellas. We can call it whatever we want once we're out of it. I don't know, though, because all these things talk back to us. Well, then we can convince it. Okay, good call. What's the name of the boat? Yeah, we're not going to pay for the upgrade. Okay, then the 5XE3 is right there in the space dock.

Let me go ahead and take the credits out, chiching. That's a noise I make when I make a sale. And all right, here are your keys. And it throws you a cube. Can we also, I'd like to add everyone else here as authorized drivers. Oh, well, that's going to cost us. That's covered under my insurance. Come on.

All right. Nice. Dale, you sure know how to haggle me. Dale, you got some of the best haggling I've ever seen. If I've learned anything is that when they do that, it means they've already upcharged us more than we know. we were definitely We were definitely taken for fools It's definitely a little too late for you

But anyway The ship's right out there And he points out of a nearby Observation Port And you can see a pretty non-descript It's like tan it's the most tan spaceship You've ever fucking seen But next to a really beautiful spaceship

That you assume to be the lux Because it says Lux in big letters On its front grill You see scrap and wreck it just going Oh my God Just look at this thing And they're looking you and they're pointing at that one This one get this one

He goes all right Wait, wait, there's another ship? Yeah, it's the luck. They want you to get the luck. Oh. Oh, well, it's your lucky day, scrapping wreckage. Come on, let's just try the key on it. Let's just see what.

Yeah, let's just do it. Now you live in the life. If you get a 20 on a D20 roll, I'll get it. All right. Do we all get a chance at it? No. Damn. No, you're kidding.

No. Come over here right now. Oh, my God. I'm not touching this thing. Holy shit Is that the only time that that's worked? Wow. That's the only called shot we've ever had in this podcast.

Where was that? At the end of season three, am I right? That's insane. Okay. Hey, guys, guys, can I tell you? I felt that one before that one happened. I felt it was going to happen a little bit. I kind of felt it a little bit.

Oh, my God. So basically, he hands us the wrong keys. He hands you the skeleton key on an accident. But he doesn't realize this until you get. guys use the key on that particular spaceship and it opens and you see him inside go, he's muffled because of the, you know, he's inside a

spaceship and your outside. Well, he goes, wah, wah, we walk. No, I get the dog, fuck, fuck. He starts running at the space port. We pretend that we don't see him. Great. I can't hear. We're old. Wow, what a great ship. What a great listening. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Guess we must have got a free upgrade.

Wow. Hey, hey. You're not happening to me one time. You're the best Hagler I've ever seen. Can't believe it, Dave. Wow, thanks. Thanks, everybody. Now, question, are we taking Dory with us? So, yeah, you know where Dory is. You can see Dory as you leave the spaceboard.

You see Dory just floating there looking kind of lonely and sad. Oh, this is sad now. I feel like we should pick up Dory. Maybe not put Dory on a mission-critical door. You know, maybe we put Dory on the bathroom door. That's what I was going to say. That's a mission-critical door, though. Yeah, that sounds like the worst possible points of Dory.

Racing out? Facing out? I agree. Facing out. The door's facing out from the bathroom. For where? The rest of the ship.

So every time I got to go a bathroom, I'm like, hey, Dory, I'm coming in. Yeah. You would be in there. Her watching. Would you prefer her. No, I would prefer her not on the door. No what. I think we just.

Island life. I'm fine. I think it's important to keep the door happy. We need to give it a job that is at least a little meaningful. You know what I mean? A bathroom. is like that's an important job, then we can promote Dory

to be the chief bathroom officer. How about like storage? Or like where we keep important stuff like you're our guard. Storage. Doorage. I wouldn't have Dory guard it because we did just lie to her

and tell her that we were David bloaters and then she believed it. I know we could solve that by just leaving. But let's put her on the bathroom. You guys want the bathroom door. Let's do the bathroom door. Wait, when did we decide that Dory was a woman when she had an annoying voice?

Is that when we decided? Who said Doris voice was annoying? Beth. What are you talking about? Doris' voice is annoying. Yeah. It's because the character had such strong... You just said she.

You're definitely. You all Doris are women. You all said it multiple times. I appreciate you trying to play the universe card on Beth, but you said multiple times. I don't know why I thought because Dory sounds like Dora, like Dory. Yeah. Yeah. They're finding Dory.

They're also men named Dory. Yeah. I think I always thought Dory was a woman. But those men don't have a whole Pixar movie after them. Those men don't have a stupid annoying girl play. There it is. There it is. We get to the heart of it. I always thought Dory was a woman.

We did say that Dory looks like Stadler and Waldorf. Who are not women. Some women can look like Stadler and Waldorf. My piano teacher looked like Settler and Waldorf. Your Freddy's piano recital and your teacher's like,

oh, it was terrible. It was boring. It was awful. It was brief. I loved it. Let's cut to Dory's already inside the ship. Congratulations on your promotion. Dory. Where is she affixed to? The storage or the bathroom.

Bathroom. Well, now I feel weird knowing that Dory's a woman that I'm going to be pooping in front of her. No. She's just outside. I would never look at you during a private moment like that. Not right. I will hear it. Dory, so here's the rules.

You know, like obviously when somebody's in the bathroom, you don't let anybody else in the bathroom, unless I really got to go. And then you can open the door. Okay. Okay. Okay. I can do that. Also, if you like, stop hearing anything.

but more than like a minute, probably just open the door and call out help. Yeah. Where, you know, we all ageing, you know. We're all aging. We're all aging. Aging. Hey, look, I don't, I know you travel the world, but that doesn't mean you're just from another country. Ageing, everybody.

Come on, calm down. Okay. Let's not make anything. Let's not cancel the old day. Okay. After 60 seconds, I will open the door. Yes. If you don't hear anything.

Oh, no, that's not true. Or if you hear distress. Oh, but not normal pooping distress. How about I just open 60 seconds in no matter what? No, no, no, dead man switch, Dory. Every 60 seconds, whoever's in there has to be like, still pooping. Oh, I like that. Yes, you could ask if we're okay.

If you ever hear the word help? Well, unless you, like, you're like, oh, come on, help. But, like, if you hear like, help. Have you ever said helpful trying to poop? Is that a thing you say to yourself when you're trying to shed? How do I be quick? You're talking to God, man. Come on, I'll be out, buddy.

Come on. I think just if it sounds like whatever else is in trouble how to heart attack or whatever it is, just open the door for everything. Then you know it's fine. But if we don't sound like that, then we're probably having a heart attack.

Oh, yeah, I'm just going to use my best judgment. Yeah. I think Err on the side. He's a joy to be protecting such a sense of a place for you all. Look, look, look, we've lived a long time. We've all seen everything. Err on the side of opening the door, okay? Like, worst-case scenario, what else?

Okay, so Dory is attached as a door to this restroom and it is probably one of the more beautiful restrooms you have seen. It seems to use. It's not after the day. Keep all this in. Keep all this part in. Talk about the trim. So the floor of this thing is a substance you've never felt before. The second you step on it, it like form fits to your foot.

Yep. A big old tentacle comes out of the fucking ground and sucks your dick. the second you step on to it. Every step. That's a setting you have to turn off. It comes on by default. Oh, hey. Dory!

How do you? Oh, dear. How do you know that? Stop. Dory, Julie. I got to turn this off. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Hey. Ashley, stop moving. All right. All right. Wait. I don't need help anymore. Fuck it.

That's the end of the episode. I'll give a shit when you're going next. the end of the episode. Fuck it. You know, where are we going back? No, that's the ending. I'm putting my foot down. Thanks so much for listening.

If you'd like to dive deeper into the behind the scenes of every main feed episode we've done since the beginning of the show, you should check out the Dungeons and Days Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Here's a clip from last week. She was literally on this slide called ADHD Common. Echo Lolley.

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