Ear Biscuits with Rhett & Link - 247: The Best Advice We've Ever Received | Ear Biscuits Ep.247

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Just stop and sonder. R&L reflect on some of the best advice that they've received, how it's impacted them, and other invaluable advice shared by listeners on this episode of Ear Biscuits! To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This, this, this, this is mythical. Shop Best Buy's ultimate smartphone sale today. Get a Best Buy gift card of up to $200 on select phone activations with major carriers. Visit your nearest Best Buy store today. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome to Ear Biscuits, I'm Rhett. And I'm Link. This week at the round table of dim lighting, we're gonna get some wisdom

because we are going to review some sage advice. Yeah, we asked you what the best advice you've ever received was, and that was because we were asked that question by Stana US, who asked us on Twitter, what is the best advice someone has ever given you with the most impact on your life?

And we were like, you know what? That's a good question. We'll answer that. We're gonna try to answer that, but we're also, we sent that question back to you and got all the advice that you thought was the most impactful in your entire life. And we're gonna go through and evaluate whether or not it's good advice.

No, we're just gonna go through and take the advice that you've taken to heart and discuss. And discuss, was that the end of your sentence? And discuss. And discuss. We're going to discuss it. It. I think it is unnecessary in that sentence. I think there's a, we need to put a disclaimer

at the top of this thing, so just bear with me. Are you gonna do a Prop 65 thing? No. This podcast has been known by the state of California to potentially cause cancer. I saw that on my freaking fiber supplement. What? Yeah. Was it the bottle or was it the pills

that you're swallowing? It was the bag of just, is it psyllium husk? Yeah. Fiber that I take if I need to regulate myself, which I don't take it very much anymore. So if you ate the bag, you might get cancer? No, it had a sticker on it that I've never seen before. And I got this like, you know,

I got like the natural stuff that's supposed to be the purest. It's just 100% psyllium husk. And then all of a sudden there's this thing, this sticker and it's like Prop 65, but it doesn't say this substance or substance in this bag has been known to cause cancer in the state of California.

It says, see like prop65.gov slash food or whatever the address. I'm like, what? Why? So it's not talking about the container. I think it's just like, you should know about what foods to watch out for. I don't know.

No. Sorry I brought it up. I was just gonna say, advice is a certain type of opinion. And as you know, opinions are like buttholes. Everybody's got one and most of them stink. So that tells me that advice is like a butthole farting in your specific direction. It's an implication that like, I've got- I would say unsolicited advice.

I've got an opinion on something you should do. So you gotta be careful that you're sniffing the fart of somebody that is worthy of sniffing. I think unsolicited advice is like a butthole, but solicited advice is- No, opinions are like a butthole. But advice is a type of opinion. Advice is a fart directed at you.

But if I ask you for your opinion on something, it's not like a butthole anymore. If I give you advice. Unsolicited. Then yeah, you need to evaluate the source of the advice, which we're not gonna do here. I think solicited opinions are just like a whole ass. Just not as, you know what I'm saying?

It's like, but the butthole, you know. I'm saying that in it, but I'm also saying that advice in general is an opinion directed at you. It's an implication like, this is my opinion on what you should do with yourself, how you should conduct yourself. Yeah. You know, so we're in dangerous territory here.

You gotta watch the farts you're sniffing. But we're not giving any advice. We're just evaluating advice that people have been given. So we're not showing our asses at all. And we've picked stuff that's resonated with us. I think, you know, I think this is gonna be an uplifting conversation and it better be because it needs to last for three more weeks,

because I hate to break it to you, dear Ear Biscuit-eer, but we're gonna go dark for the next three weeks. We're taking our summer break. We're taking a break. Three weeks with no Ear Biscuits, but there's a lot of Ear Biscuits that you can go back and listen to. There's also, you know what, I hate to say it,

I mean, there's also other podcasts. I mean, that is a thing that you could also listen to. Just over the next three weeks, just go back through our podcast. I'm sure there's something that you missed. I hear that people listen to them multiple times because they're doing stuff when they're listening to it. And you know, you kind of fall in and out of-

You only get 50% or less. Yeah. Anyway, even if you're listening intently. Yeah, I mean, I probably need to listen to them over the next three weeks, because- Why don't you do that? I'm sure I miss some stuff. Have you ever listened to an episode of Ear Biscuits?

I listen to myself when I'm speaking. And sometimes I'll listen to you when you're speaking. Right. But no, I have not listened back to an Ear Biscuit in a long time, maybe ever. I think when we first started making these, Maybe the interviews, maybe I listened to a couple of those.

I would listen to them in order to figure out what it is we wanted to do. Yeah. It's quite a time commitment to listen to yourself for over an hour. When you're already there. And if, yeah, if you put it on double speed or something, you really can't-

Then it just sounds weird. You really don't learn that much. You miss all the emotion. But we- I think it's working well enough for me not to try to make it better. We're gonna answer that question ourselves before the break. Not before the break that we just talked about, the three week break, question ourselves before the break.

Not before the break that we just talked about, the three week break, but like before the break where we do our ad. What are you talking about? We're gonna answer the question. We're gonna answer the question about what our best piece of advice was. When, right now?

Yeah. Okay, well then just do it. You talking about a break like we're about to take one. Well, we're gonna take one eventually. Eventually. But not the three week break. When you start talking about a break, when I listen back to our podcast, here's the one thing I've learned.

Don't talk about a break if you're not gonna take it because then people think you're about to take it. Yeah, yeah, eventually, yeah, we'll take one. We're not about to take a break. Eventually. We're still doing the show. We haven't even gotten started. You talking about taking a break.

I have some advice that I have used. I just feel myself saying it and we say it all the time. It's what you make it. It's what you make it. It's what you make it. And I always say it like that, it's what you make it. Like you're quoting someone. Right.

Yeah, I do that too. And the thing that's been driving me nuts is not remembering who gave us the advice, but I'll tell you what I do know. I don't know who gave it. It was in the context of a person talking about marriage. It's what you make it. But I've used it in many, many different arenas.

You know, me and my arena. Just life in general. You know, it's what you make it. It's what you make it, it's up to you. Now, as we will see when we get into some of these other questions, That ain't true. It's not completely up to you,

but it's a good, like when you think about a situation that you're entering into, it's like, how do you, and I think the thing the guy was talking about was like, how do you have a good marriage? And it's just like, it's what you make it. I think. I just, because I would have been like, is this something Greg said in college?

No, because Greg said, you know what you know, you don't learn anything. When I was getting ready to study for a test. Yeah, clear ulterior motives in that piece of sage wisdom. Which I gotta say, while I have used that conveniently for my own purposes, I do not think it's good advice because I do actually think you learn things. I think that.

I hope, yeah, I hope. I think you learn things. I think there is capacity for learning. I think I've learned some things, yeah. But I think it was. It's what you make it. At the, one of the fall retreats. Are you sure you're not getting it confused

with it's part of it? Like as a Dale Earnhardt quote. That's part of it. When it's like, that's racing. That's what Earnhardt said. I say that a lot too. When he would do stuff that people did, you know, he would drive in a way

that he would clang and bang up against the other cars and get a little rowdy and be like, that's racing. I think that's an Earnhardt quote. I don't know. Could be a Waltrip quote. I've never watched an entire NASCAR race. You're saying that's racing is the racing version

of that's part of it. You're not saying that Dale Earnhardt came up with that's part of it because I think that like a caveman came up with that's part of it. You're not saying that Dale Earnhardt came up with that's part of it, because I think that like a caveman came up with that's part of it. Like I think that as soon as a language was a thing, someone said that's part of it. And that's not really advice, it's just kind of a saying. Right.

Life is what you make it. But it's what you make it is advice. Because I feel like advice is- It's implying a state of mind. Well, it's also advice- Focus on what you can control. Is an opportunity to do something, right? Or to not do something, but there is a response

that is intended from advice. Every moment of your life, you never get back. But I think that it was at that fall retreat. One of those fall retreats that we went to is students involved with Campus Crusade. And it was like the guy who was speaking there. And I think he was doing a talk on marriage. He also talked about general awards.

I mean, that's one of the things that I remember vividly. I wasn't there for that. Were there photos? No, no, his opening, his opening salvo. You're getting us confused with health class, like Coach Bunch teaching you about- I specifically remember it. He told a story about a man who did something,

like had promiscuous sex or cheated on his wife or something and it was just like, and that man got genital warts. And I was like, whoa, we're going here? All right, okay, what does that mean? And then he was like, and that man was me. And it's like, whoa, so you got genital warts. And so- I was not there for this.

Okay, so you would remember that. You think he, and then he was like, and genital warts are what you make of, what? No, and then because the way that they did the fall retreats is- If you get the warts, it's- There was always, there was a guy- What you make of it? There was a guy, it was always a guy

who spoke the entire weekend. And so his opening talk was genital warts. And I mean, he had us, he had us by the genital warts at that point. It was like, whatever this guy says, don't miss any of the main talks, right? Cause he opened with genital warts at that point. It was like, whatever this guy says, don't miss any of the main talks, right? Because he opened with genital warts. And then he went to just talking about relationships

and marriage or something. And I kind of swear, he said, it's what you make it. And it didn't seem revolutionary at the time. And I don't necessarily think that it is revolutionary, but the question was, has it impacted you the most? And I just find myself in situations all the time and I'm like, it's what you make it. It has been helpful as a joke, but also as a reality.

Because it helps you focus on what you can control in any given situation. Yeah. As opposed to the parts that you can't. I think we'll come back to that. You know, I think there's some advice, you know, it's not just is the advice good, but it's who is the advice for? You know, it's like the advice

that has always resonated with me is anything worth doing is worth doing right. But that's a bit problematic for a guy like me that gets over-focused on the rightness of things and going about them in the right way. Because you might not do something if you don't think you can do it right. Yeah, there's some fear and trepidation

if that rings in my ears too much. And then it's okay, it's never clear cut. I'd like to believe that it is. It's like, okay, this is perfected. I can move on. So you gotta balance all these things. Nana's version of that was don't half-ass it. Right.

Which we've talked about. I've had a hard time, there's not a lot of mottos that ring in my head that were once just pieces of advice. I remember when we were going on a trip to shoot some videos a guy told me, a guy who I admire, he said, "'Hey, just remember, it's better to have a good story "'than a good time.'"

And I was like, you know, I kind of like that because we're trying to make a, if you're in a, and I've talked about this before on the show, if you're in a situation and it sucks, you're like, well, at least I can tell a story about it because I have a podcast or you have friends or people who are listening. Yeah least I can tell a story about it because I have a podcast. Or you have friends or people who are listening, I like telling a good story.

So that's always helped give me perspective when I'm going through something crappy. But it's a little bit weird to say it before you're in that situation. Well, especially because I think that being present is actually a better advice. That's not, I understand if you're going through a difficult time, it's just like better

to have a good story than a good time. Like if you're in the middle, like it's one of those crazy vacations where everything's going wrong. This sucks, but at least like I'll be able to, if I live to tell it, I will tell it. And usually what I say in those situations is, well, this makes a great story. Like I'm in the middle of,

I'm up Schitt's Creek without a paddle, but at least it's a good story. And like you said, especially when you have a place to tell the story. But I don't think that if I'm getting ready to like go do something fun, better to have a good story than a good time is good advice because what about the joy

that is available for me in the present? Yeah, I don't think it was great advice in that sense. But I still really like it. You know? Well, what about remember who you are? You know, like parents send their kids out into something that they're gonna do and they come to the front door and they're like,

hey, hey, hey, remember who you are. Have you ever said that to one of your children? Sometimes I'd be like, remember you're a Neal. And what is that supposed to communicate? Don't embarrass me. I don't say that often and I'm not the type, I don't, I just don't, I don't find myself ever giving like these

quotable pieces of advice to my kids. It's maybe, yeah. It's maybe- Yeah. It's- Not quotable, not bite size, it's more, but what I am guilty of, and I know you're just as guilty of it as I am, is giving advice in general to our kids. And it's actually something that,

it's something that Jesse and I have talked a lot about, is that sometimes we get into a conversation with our kids. Like they're just telling us about their day. They're telling us about something they did or something they're going to do. And then there's like this dad button that gets pressed and the dad button- And you get the response now.

If you're gonna do that, think about this. Or did you, well, did you, when did that happen? Did you learn that blah, blah, blah, blah? It's like- Unsolicited. If you've got a friend who talks like that, like every single time they tell you something, you tell them something, they give you advice about it. It's like, that's not-

What do you think, I am a screw up? I'm telling you this so that we can connect because I thought you advice about it. It's like, that's not- What do you think I am, a screw up? I'm telling you this so that we can connect because I thought you might find it interesting because you might be able to add something to it or you might be able to respond to it with a perspective, but not to then tell me what I should have done differently or what I should have kept in mind. And I do that with my kids too often.

I find when my kids talk about their friends, like things that are happening with their friends, I'm apparently filtering the conversation through an analysis of do I approve of their friends? Do I, you know, cause your friends are so powerful. That's probably, there's probably a piece of advice in there. You are who you hang out with. Isn't this probably a catchier version of that?

But I think that I filter things through that platitude. So then when they're just talking about their day or something that happened, I'm like, well, you know, if you're that type of person, if they do that, then that's not really a true friend. A true friend is someone who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, I ended up analyzing and trying to protect. But I guess you wanna get to a point

where they're actually, it's solicited advice. Well, and- Our kids are asking, hey, I'm in this situation or this person said this to me. I don't know how to respond or, you know. Well, and if they don't do that, I think that they're, and I don't have this perfected. I don't even have it like, remedially understood. But the thing that I'm trying to do now is ask questions

in a way that's not like a detective, not like a leading question. So I seem like I'm manipulating, but it's like, okay, I'm having this conversation. There is something that I feel like I need to communicate about this because I still do have advice. I have been around longer. I have a perspective on this. And I think I've I need to communicate about this because I still do have advice. I have been around longer. I have a perspective on this.

And I think I've got a little wisdom about this. And our kids left to their own devices don't ask for advices. Right, and so then I'll ask a question. I mean, my kids are smart enough to know that what I'm getting at, but at least it doesn't come across like, well, did you know here is the thing

that I'm going to tell you? But it's more like, have you thought about this or how are you feeling about, at least it gets them talking and maybe you get someplace where they come to a conclusion. I don't know, it's tough being a dad. But you know what? We don't have to come up with all the advice.

We've got some great advice from people. We're gonna start going through it. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day?

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Sometimes I tell my kids, don't think, just do. That's probably, and it's ironic. In what context? Usually when it's like they're standing on the edge of a pool and they're afraid to jump in because it's cold. I was gonna say in like an athletic context, that's great advice because the thinking and the doing is supposed to be happening in sync.

If you're thinking, the guy's already gone around you. Somebody else has jumped in the pool. It's also ironic because it's not what I want them to do in their non-athletic lives, which is the vast majority of their lives. Hold on, that sounded like a cut. Yeah, it did, didn't it? Your kids are non-athletic?

My kids are not sports minded. Yeah, but I wouldn't say they're non-athletic. They just might not be like super into sports. But like if you like threw like a hot dog at them, they'd probably catch it. Don't you think? I'll test that. Try that. I'll test that today.

That's the ultimate test of athleticism. Throw a hot dog straight from the fridge right at your child's face. And if it hits them in the face, you know what? Hopefully they're smart because- They're not athletic. They're not athletic. Okay. Give me some advice.

Ariana, bear skvrls on Twitter. My grandmother- It's bear skulls but the U is a V. Yeah, I was just trying to be phonetic. My grandmother always used to tell me, look towards the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you. That's true from like a physics standpoint.

Every time the sun is out, it makes me feel like she's watching over me and making sure I'm taking care of myself. I mean, isn't it so sweet to, if you have these memories of grandparents or someone that means something to you that like, even if they passed, that they passed along something that can echo like that and for it to be so positive, look towards the sunshine,

actually be positive and the shadows will fall behind you. I think there's a, and it's, I consider myself a generally positive person and I think it's, but I think it's more of a coping mechanism with me. It's like, oh gosh, it's, but I think it's more of a coping mechanism with me. It's like, oh gosh, it's like if I can convince myself that when things are not going well,

cause that does happen, I'll feel better if I can minimize. But I've met some people that seem more like genuinely positive people, they have like a gift for it. They can turn from the shadow and see the sunshine. Maybe they're just so good at applying this kind of advice that secretly they're catastrophizing, but. The advice is for people who don't have a natural gift at it

because they don't need the advice. So, and it does involve, you know, you can make a choice in any situation what you're going to focus on and how you're gonna see it, how you're gonna process it. I mean, this advice has been given in a lot of different contexts. You know, you've got keep on the sunny side of life,

that great song. But then Locke and I actually had this conversation the other day and talking about, and I'm sure that you've been having similar conversations with your teenage kids and all your kids. But I think that COVID has been especially frustrating for teenagers because you just think about what your life was like

when you were 16 and to have all these restrictions put on. You have so much life to live. Where you can go. Like, yeah, and you're- You haven't lived most of it. And you're like, oh, the summer of my 16th year is what? I gotta wear masks if I wanna be around my friends and probably be outside with them.

And like, I have to ask them questions about where they've been and where their families have been. And it's like, this is incredibly frustrating, especially considering the fact that if a teenager gets the coronavirus, I mean, the chances of it being even, even them even knowing they've got it is pretty small. Right?

It's like, it's not gonna affect them personally. So it's this completely, almost completely like selfless thing that they have to do. And so, you know, we've had a lot of conversations about how difficult this has been and the way that I gave him some advice the other day is I was like, look towards the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you.

Well, that's what I should have said. But what I said is like, and this is not as good of advice as this because it's not as simple, but I was like, you're going through something right now and I can write a story about it. I can write two different scripts, right? And one script is that this is really difficult

and really restrictive and your parents are taking this too seriously and all the negative things that you can see. But then there's the positive side of the script, which is like, when you look back on this, you'd be like, I lived through this really weird time and it made me reevaluate my friendships. And we kind of went through like all the positive way

that you could, the things that you could focus on. It's like, your parents are healthy, you're healthy. Nobody that we know has gotten this. There's not other health conditions that were already, we're not, nobody in our know has gotten this. There's not other health conditions that we're already, we're not, nobody in our family is immunocompromised. Like you start sort of counting all your blessings and the things that you have been privileged to, the position that you're in, and you're like,

oh, okay, that helps. You turn towards the positive. And then I was like, because your circumstances are not gonna change, right? Like we're gonna be in this for a while. And if you're expecting me to do something to make it okay for you, or you're expecting your friends to do something,

no, the only thing that you can do is you can write your own script. You can turn towards the sunshine, turn away from the darkness. And I think that, and I'm kind of giving myself that advice as I give it to him, because we're all going, this has been difficult for everybody, right?

But to say like, all right, where can I be grateful? What can I focus on? Because I have a whole lot to be thankful for. And when I do that, all of a sudden it's like, okay, yeah. It's truly helpful. What was the last thing that filled you with wonder that took you away from your desk or your car in traffic well for us i'm gonna guess for some of you that thing is anime hi i'm nick friedman i'm leo murray and i'm leah president and welcome to crunchyroll presents the anime effect It's a weekly news show. With the best celebrity guests.

And hot takes galore. So join us every Friday wherever you get your podcasts and watch full video episodes on Crunchyroll or on the Crunchyroll YouTube channel. The Black Sheep responded to our prompt and said, that life-changing advice was to always remember Sonder, S-O-N-D-E-R, before getting upset at somebody else over petty things. And then she put the definition of Sonder, which I had never heard that. Well, I actually had this pulled up.

Not, I don't actually- Sonder is now a, it is a company. No. That is like Airbnb, but people never live in the homes. But it makes you, but it's like a curated hotel and a home experience that no one ever lived in. That ain't what we're talking about. Right, because it was a term coined in 2012

by John Coring or Coning, whose project, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, aims to come up with new words for emotions that currently lack words. And this one is inspired by German sonder, which means special, and French sonder, which means to probe. And his definition is the profound feeling of realizing

that everyone, including strangers, passed in the street has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it. So, and then the, go back to the definition she posted. It's a little more succinct. Sonder, noun, the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

And I love this. I wanna remember this word. I'm gonna say it three times. Sonder, sonder, sonder. I've got it. I'm doubtful, but- Behind every face, there's a story. Look over Sonder, I've got it. I'm doubtful, but- Behind every face, there's a story. Look over Sonder.

And that is something that we've talked about. You know, when you interact with people, you never know what's going on in their life. I tend to immediately think about seeing strangers get angry, like a road- On the internet. Like a road rage situation. Okay, well, we can talk about the internet too,

but yes, when you see somebody or you read their comment or whatever, it's tough not to just react to how it impacts you or how it strikes you, even if it's just a passerby that is not impacting you at all. But it's a good exercise to say, and there's a story being lived out there. There's that person is going through something.

And when somebody does something that's like a head scratcher or like worse, like that person is lashing out in anger, to stop and sonderize it. Say, you know what? I've been really angry before and sometimes it's not justified, but there were other things going on in my life that I knew about or couldn't put my finger on.

It's like just to have a little pause for compassion. And also when you are about to get angry at someone for something, right? When they say or do something unintentionally, intentionally or otherwise, when you are about to get angry at someone for something, right? When they say or do something unintentionally, intentionally or otherwise, when you think, oh, it's just empathy, right? It's putting yourself in somebody else's shoes and just understanding that, yeah.

And they also are worried about the way that they look and they sound to the same degree that you are, right? Everyone's obsessed with themselves. I know that I'm gonna make mistakes in life. I'm gonna wrong people. I'm gonna be, you know, I'm gonna place my needs above other people. I'm gonna do things that I regret and that I'm sorry for.

And I'm gonna do things that are also misinterpreted and can be misinterpreted a lot worse than they actually were. And I want people to give me the benefit of the doubt when entering into a situation and a dialogue with me about whatever mistake I made or potentially made. You know, it goes a long way for people to believe the best. It's like, I don't know if you meant this when you said it,

but it struck me in this way. Or it seems like you said this, I don't know if that's what you intended, is an example of opening a conversation. It's not like that is the worst thing, like that's stupid or that's ignorant, or it could just be a mistake or a misunderstanding.

Now believing the best in some situations, I think the best that you can believe is still pretty bad in a certain situation. Of course. There are people who do bad things. Like I said, people should be held accountable. They do it on purpose. This is not about excusing anyone's behavior.

No. But believing, in general, believing the best in people and applying that filter whenever I find myself getting up in arms, you know, that saying implies that like you want to attack, right? So, and I think we get to that with another piece of advice. So maybe I'll leave it at that. But I do wanna just remember Sonder. And I think it get to that with another piece of advice. So maybe I'll leave it at that. But I do wanna just remember Sonder.

And I think it's a good, for some reason, because I don't live in New York and we visit New York City, I always think of that environment because you're like walking around and you're seeing so many faces. That's what I picture with Sonder, is that like I'm on a street corner, I'm always overwhelmed when I go back in a good way.

That's like, well, look at all these people just moving with the traffic lights. Where even you get on it. Behind every set of eyes, there's a story. And just, you know, there's something in that that kind of makes me swell up with like pride to be a human that's like, look, there's a vivid experience there that I know nothing about.

Yeah, I think about that when I'm on elevators with people sometimes. It's a fun practice. I think it's a good habit to cultivate. And then I don't talk about, I don't talk to them. I don't say anything. Yeah, I mean, it could be problematic being the elevator talker, but it is a good habit.

I think it puts you in your place to like, when you see somebody say, I wonder what their story is. And then it might be fun just to make something up just in your own mind. But as long as you don't convince yourself that's them and then say, I can't believe that you left the gate open on the tiger cage at the zoo. That's one of my favorite things

about that Duplass Brothers book. Oh yeah. Is how they will sit in an airport next to each other and they'll see somebody or a couple and they begin basically saying who they are. Writing a screenplay. Writing a screenplay. Miranda Lemke, mythical Imke.

Always check air and fluid in your vehicle before going on a long trip. My dad, when I was learning how to drive, told me that. Oh yeah, I love this. Yeah, like my father-in-law, every time when Christy and I were dating when we were first married and we would visit, like I would, after him being like, hey, nice to see you and greeting,

one of the first things he would do, I would look back over my shoulder if we were bringing in like our luggage and he'd have the hood popped on the car. That just arrived? That just arrived. Well, you couldn't do that because it'd be hot. It'd be too hot. You can't do that because it'd be hot. It'd be too hot.

You can't check the oil when it's hot. But I do remember finding him very early on and he would have popped the hood and he's checking the oil. And a lot of times he'd be like, Christy, you haven't been checking the oil in the car. The oil is low. And I started learning before we would go there

that I would check the oil at the house because I knew that he would do it. He would like 14 point Jivilube inspection at Bobby's house. Well, and especially when you've got a car, which because my dad was very committed to the Dodge brand, like throughout my entire childhood. Dodge Chrysler. We had two Dodge Dynasties.

We had the Dodge Intrepid. There was a New Yorker. You were excited about that Intrepid. But every single one of these cars without fail, first of all, if you got a Dodge, the transmission is going out at 100,000 miles or earlier, but it's not making it past that. And then the second thing is,

it starts burning oil at some point. Like it burns oil to the point that you have to keep oil in your car. A quart. And so I remember in college driving that Intrepid and just checking the oil and filling it up. Like gas. Yeah, it was like, it's like you got your gas

and then you got your oil. You gotta take care of both of them. But it isn't as big of an issue anymore, I don't think. Well, the light, I mean, you get a more modern car and it's got more lights that tell you stuff and they blink and like, I gotta put washer fluid in my car. It's bugging me about that.

That's good. I mean, better to be bugged than to be on the side of the road without washer fluid. Wipe off the bugs. But the thing that I have developed a habit of whenever I go to get in my car, I always look at the tires. I think one time I realized I'd been driving

and like one of my tires was really flat many, many years ago and it kind of burned me. Well, the cars tell you that now too. They do, yeah, if you get a fancy one. But it's always nice to just, you know, before you get in your vehicle, just walk around it once. Give it the old- Like it's a rental. The rental car walk around, look at those tires,

make sure there's nothing dragging. You know, I found a screw in my tire the other day doing this. Yeah, and that's a preemptive catch. You can drive to the place and have them plug it. They plugged it up. Good old shell, the velvet hook. Here's this piece of advice.

You can't control how people act, but you can control, did I just say can? Yeah, you kind of did. We all knew what you meant. You can't control how people act, but you can control how you react. This has helped me so many times in life when deciding how to respond in situations

and has made me more aware of when I'm letting my reactions overtake me. Ooh, this is good. This is good. You can't, you know, control is such a big part of my psyche that I, you know, I'm aware of this. This type of advice is just great for me. It's like, I find when I'm really anxious,

it's because I want something to be a certain way, but I feel powerless. And if I can just parse between what I can actually impact and what I have no control over, it really does help me. Oh, Link, you're talking about the prayer for serenity that many of you already know. Yeah, give it to me. God grant me the serenity to accept-

Can you sing it or chant it in a monkish kind of way? I don't know, whatever you think is. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I didn't know that that thing went on. That's only a third of it. That's the only part that you need to know in this context.

Grant me the serenity to change, I gotta read it again, because I was so distracted. I just sang it though, see if you can remember it. Okay, I'll see if I can remember it. I was just thinking about like that horrible melody. I think that that was pretty good for like pulling monk melody straight out of the air.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, but change the things I can accept. Accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. So that's the parsing that you're talking about. And boy, man, what if everybody, I mean, first of all, it's one thing to even to know

that you should be doing this. Well, I was like reflecting on this and I thought I came up with something and I wrote it down and then I went back to look at it. You came up, you like, re-derived the serenity prayer? This is how I wrote it in my like digital journal. Some things you just can't change.

Other things you can. Some things you think you can change, but can't. And some things you don't think you could have changed, but you could have. Those are the sad ones. I mean, you know, I'm not- I mean, would you like me to sing that? I was, yeah, yeah, yeah, here it is.

I can sing that. I can do that. Okay, here we go. And don't read anything, don't read any of that other stuff because this is my freaking journal. I see it just says thoughts. Okay. Some things you just can't change.

Other things you can. Some things you think you can change but you can't And some things you don't think you could have changed but you could have Those are the sad ones I mean, I'm being vulnerable, man. I'm sharing my freaking, I'm sharing my journal. Those are the sad ones. I mean, but, and I'm like,

I think this may be just a perfectionist, like thinking. There's a lot of thinking going on in that. Lot too much thinking. But it's like, the worst thing is not thinking you could change something and you can't, but thinking you couldn't change something and you could. But that, I think that may be torture for me. Hold on, no, because once it's happened,

you can't go back and change it. I'm not talking about things in the past. You could, it says you could have. You could have in the past. Yes, and that's sad. That's bad. Those are the sad ones. Don't sit around and think about what you could have. You could have in the past. Yes, and that's sad. That's bad. Those are the sad ones. Don't sit around and think about

what you could have done differently. That's just, those are the sad ones. But I'm thinking about the next thing. It's like, man, I can't do anything about this. But if you could have done something about it, but you convinced yourself you couldn't, that's sad. That's the saddest. Yeah. That's sadder than trying and not being able to change't, that's sad. That's the saddest. Yeah.

That's sadder than trying and not being able to change, but that's just futile. Well, I read a book that was, I was gonna make it a wreck at some point. Maybe I will in the future, but it's your wreck today. I think it was called The Courage to be Disliked. And it was all about Adlerian psychology. I think the guy's name was Joseph Adler,

but he was basically a guy back in the time of Freud and Jung who, you know, what ended up happening is like Freudian psychology ended up kind of winning out in terms of the way people think about things. But there was this guy, I guess Joseph Adler, who thought differently about things and he had this mentality, it's pretty fascinating, I don't even know what I think about it,

but anyway, one of the principles in this book is this idea of in every situation, you basically sort of revisit this parsing that you're talking about. This idea that like, I can only control myself. I can only control my actions, my reactions. And I wish I could remember the term that he used. Again, I was gonna go back and look at this

before I ever talked about it and recommended it. I hate doing this, but there was just this idea of what we have such a tendency to do is we just get confused with what our work is, right? And this especially relates to other people. And you get into these very codependent situations where you're just like, if this person would just do this thing, right?

If this person would just react or react or behave in this way, then I would be okay. And then when you can kind of just release yourself from that, trying to get people to do what you want them to do, what you expect them to do, and realize that the only sovereignty I have is over my own actions actions and it's like, it's just very freeing and it's so difficult

because there is this, we do believe that we can change people, you know? And it's tough because there are people who specialize in helping people change, right? Like, so like, if you think about my therapist. Well, you might change people, but you can't control. Well, I mean, the classic analogy, you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make him drink. So I do think that we get all the way sometimes, and we just want to force someone's action. But as- Makes me think of a, as what? As Shell demonstrates, it's more about your, if you focus on the way that you react, you'll be a lot happier.

As George Strait sang, "'You can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall.'" And I always thought that was a very clunky song. I mean, it's like, yeah, I get it. You kind of like a, you're kind of a- Can't make you fall. You can't make someone fall in love with you. Again, it's very clunky.

I'm not a fan. I think Bonnie Raitt said it much better. Oh yeah, that's a good song. I can't make you love me if you don't. Yeah. Boy, that's a good song. That's her best. Well, I'm not gonna say it's her best.

That's Bonnie Raitt's best song. Oh gosh, you name a second Bonnie Raitt song. Exactly. Let's give them something to talk about. Actually, you know what? You know what? I have a sense that there's some Bonnie Raitt that we don't know about that's really good.

Some second rate Bonnie Raitt? There's some's some Bonnie Raitt that we don't know about that's really good. Some second rate Bonnie Raitt? There's some first rate Bonnie Raitt. So don't you be talking about, if you can't even name two songs, what her best song is. Turn down the lights. I mean, it's so good, man. It's a great song. I mean, everything about it is just perfect.

I mean, Mark Cohen's best song is not Walking in Memphis. Well, clearly. I don't want you to make that mistake with Bonnie Raitt. Hold on, Mark Cohen's best song is not Walking in Memphis. Well, clearly. And I don't want you to make that mistake with Bonnie Raitt. Mark Cohen's, Walking in Memphis is not even in Mark Cohen's top 15 songs. Exactly. But I think you're walking in Memphis right now.

I'm walking in Bonnie Raitt. I'm walking down Bonnie Raitt way and I've missed a turn. Keisha Johnson. Maybe turn. Keisha Johnson. Maybe it's Keisha Johnson. I watched a TED Talk by Celeste Headley on how to have a good conversation. Ooh, okay, I like this. My favorite piece of advice she gives

was enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn. I highly recommend this Ted talk. It's on YouTube, hashtag Ear Biscuits. Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn. Humility. I mean, I'm really, I mean, in light of what's going on

and you know, I've really tried to, with the Black Lives Matter movement right now, just really, really say, you know what? I'm gonna listen, I'm gonna learn, and I'm gonna make applications. It's really top of mind for me in that way, but it's so important in general. I think it's not instinctive, you know?

It's instinctive to just react and okay, what is, if someone's saying something that could impact me or reflect on me or is someone making an assertion about me, well, and then you instinctively take that in and then can react defensively. You know, it's hard to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. It takes practice to have that kind of mindset, to step out of yourself and how this, whatever it is,

whatever issue impacts me in saying, okay, what is this person really saying? What can I learn in this conversation? You know, I think when we go, we've talked about how we go into party settings and we're like interacting with people and you're having these little conversations and the ones that are the most stimulating to us are the ones that's like, when we have a mindset of,

when somebody tells me what they do, we talk about, if you pump a septic tank, or if you're writing blockbuster films, we should be able to have an engaging conversation with each person. And I think it's because it's a little bit of this mentality of there's always a question to ask, there's always something to be learned.

You know, it's like anybody can say, I'm a so-and-so or I do this on Reddit, ask me anything and underneath, you will find rewarding conversations when people have that mindset. It's rewarding for everybody. People feel valued, they feel heard, and you can learn something.

You can learn something from a total asshole. Well, I do think that this is, I mean, this is so applicable. And I mean, we're just in the latest sort of polarizing national issue, right? I mean, this has been going on for a long time now. And I mean, the dream of the internet connecting people resulted in the internet dividing people

because now there's this democratization of information and people have like separated into these information bubbles. And you only talk with people who agree with you and then when you do get into these occasions where you have a conversation with someone that you disagree with, the goal is not to find the truth

between your two perspectives, the goal is to entrench yourself and defend your position at all costs and I'm guilty of it. This is, like you said, it's just kind of human nature. I was thinking, I'm thinking about, I don't know exactly how this relates,

but this made me think of this quote from Fight Club, because I just watched Fight Club recently with Locke. Rule number one. Don't talk about Fight Club. Rule number one. Don't talk about Fight Club. Rule number two. Don't talk about Fight Club. Rule number three. It's something about if you're new here,

you have to fight. I think rule number four is if you're new, if your first time you have to fight, I think rule number three is the fighting goes until one person stops it or something like that. I think there's only four. I don't know how many rules there are. That wasn't where I was gonna go. But the thing that I realized,

and this is true of David Fincher movies in general, I actually kind of regretted not putting Fight Club on my top 10 list after watching it. I don't know if it would have made the top 10, but you just forget how many good lines are in his movies. It's a very, I mean, just disclaimer, it's a very visceral and violent movie. It could be very disturbing for certain people.

Yeah. It's not for everyone. One of the things that Brad Pitt's character says in the movie is, you know when you're dying, people really, really listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to talk. And I'm not really talking about the dying part,

but talking about just the default of humans, which is, and I'm super guilty of this, just waiting for my turn to talk, right? You just, you're like, oh, I got something. And it's, I mean, it's one thing for it that just happened in the context of a friendship or like people hanging out where it's just like, oh, now we're telling poop yourself stories.

All right, I got mine. Yeah. And those are fun. Those stories are fun, but also that kind of conversation can be fun. But I think especially when you're talking about something that you have a disagreement about, like there's a concept that I heard somebody describe one time, you know, you've got what typically happens online,

which is the straw man, which is, you know, you mischaracterize someone's argument and you make it, you distill it down to something that you can easily- Burn down. Take out, yeah. But there's a different, the opposite of that, I think it's called iron manning? I don't know, something like that.

Okay. But it's like, I'm going to understand and be able to state your position in the most defensible way I can think of, right? I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm gonna try to capture the essence of what you're saying in a way that you can agree with.

So that then when I disagree with it, you can hear my disagreement because you know you've been heard. Yeah, but also there's just something about like, just making yourself willing to go through the process of being like, okay, before I just go into my talking points and break out my ideology, I am going to understand and be able to say things like, so you're saying, if I'm hearing you correctly,

you're saying this, this, and this, and if they say, no, that's not what I'm saying, keep listening. And then if you can finally get to, you're saying this, this, and this, yes. Even if you disagree, there's progress that's been made. There's some kind of common ground because you've at least agreed

to have a rational conversation about something, you know? And that's just such a difficult thing to do. Yeah, I mean, I quoted George Strait, now I'll quote Clint Black. Put yourself in my shoes, walk a mile for me. I'll put myself in your shoes and maybe then we'd see that if you put yourself in my shoes, you'd have some sympathy.

And if I put myself in your shoes, I'd walk right back to me. Oh, okay, it's a love story. It's a relationship. That's a good song though. I mean, it was good. That is a good song. Yeah.

I don't know, he's got a new album. I'm not gonna listen to it. Clint Black does? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Ever since got a new album. I'm not gonna listen to it. Clint Black does? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Ever since he was on The Apprentice. Yeah, I have a different- It's like once I saw Clint Black unplugged completely.

Right. Oh, okay, all right. Yeah, and it has nothing to do with Trump or The Apprentice. Right, it's just seeing who Clint Black is. I mean, it's not that he's not, it's not like I don't like him necessarily. It's just, he isn't the person that his songs made him out to be.

Did you get what I'm saying? Those first two albums, Killing Time and I think it's Put Yourself in My Shoes. And was he writing those songs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wrote some good songs on those two albums. Beth Ann Smith says, "'After my grandfather died,

"'my mom found a piece of paper tucked in the phone book.'" Boy, that's classic. Having a note tucked in a phone book. Yeah. Man, remember phone books? You can still get them. Sometimes they'll drop them off at your driveway. He had written and then tucked into the notebook, quote,

"'Today invest in someone else's happiness,' end quote." And then Beth Ann said, "'I think about those words almost every single day.'" I love the fact that Beth Ann, that you can carry this meaningful part of your grandfather with you at all times. And I picture him writing that and it was kind of a note to self.

He probably went to the phone book a lot. We forget how he probably went to the phone book a lot. We forget how often you went to the phone book. Every time you had to get in contact with somebody, I mean, I had certain numbers memorized and then you had, with the advent of the speed dial, but a lot of times you would, I mean, even as kids, we would go to the phone book a lot. Not just for people, but for places.

Oh yeah, you got the yellow part in the back. You know, anything, you talk about Yelp, the yellow pages was the Yelp. You had to judge a plumber by his ad. Yeah, there were no reviews. It was just the number part. Like, does this plumber look smart? So it's whenever he was interacting and it's, you know,

it's think about this. He was about to make a phone call. He was about to have an interaction with somebody. It could be a business, it could be a loved one, it could be a complete stranger, you know, someone where he needed to accomplish something in some way, he was gonna make a phone call to do that. Right.

And then right there in front of him was his reminder to himself, invest in someone else's happiness. And here's an opportunity right now. It can be something as simple as, I'm calling you for this reason, A, but by the way, B, I can say a little something to make you happy.

I can crack a joke. I can be smiling on the phone and now you can feel it. It might just change the tone of the way that you communicate. Yeah. Well, the thing that it makes me think about is I feel like I know nothing about Beth Ann's grandfather. Right, I've never met the man. All I know is that he put this note into a phone book.

Yeah. But I know a lot about him because of that, right? Yeah. I know that whether he was like this his entire life or he came to the conclusion later in life that this is actually where his happiness, his true happiness lied, right? Is in investing in somebody else's happiness.

And this, I mean, man, it's just, it's such good advice because everybody needs it. And we're all very naturally resistant to understanding that because your natural impulse is to invest in your own happiness, right? It's to look out for yourself, it's to think about your circumstances. But we talked about the whole idea of the first mountain

and the second mountain, you know, the first mountain in life being about you getting to the top of whatever your goals are. And then either you fall off that mountain or you get to the top, this is that David Brooks book. And then you're like, oh, there's another mountain I should have been on. And that's the mountain of investing in other people.

And if you can get there at some point and make your life where it shifts from your interest, it sounds like it happened with her grandfather. Rewarding. And you know, the phrase pay it forward comes to mind. The thing that I don't love about that is it implies that you've received something good and now it's a reminder to give it.

I shouldn't pick it apart. I'm sure it's a great phrase and is a good mantra. But the thing I like about this is it's not contingent on your experience to invest in someone else's happiness. But when you do benefit from someone enriching your life, I do think it's a good trigger to say, how can I take this experience that was given to me

and regift it or also gift it? I don't even have to give up my experience to give another one. But the thing about, it's interesting here, it doesn't say today make someone happy. He says today invest in someone else's happiness. I think a lot of times there are people who, it would be a magical ability to just make everybody happy.

I mean, that's just the work of clowns. Some good clowns. I mean, I would say the small percentage of clowns. Right. I'm sorry, clowns. I mean, I would say the small percentage of clowns. Right. I'm sorry, clowns. Just the way it is. But I mean, an investment, to me it makes me think that

even if you can't make someone happy in the moment, you can do something that at least sows a seed of happiness down the road for them. So. Well, and also in the context of, I mean, he's got it in the phone book and we're talking about it in the context with like people that you interact with,

you know, acquaintances or whatever. But I also think about it in terms of the closest relationships that you have, right? So I think about the days that I get home. It's funny, I was thinking about getting home too, because we haven't been getting home. Right. Because we've been at home so much,

but we're starting to do that. And so, yeah. So I'm thinking about it more. I get home and I walk into the house, I see Jessie, and I think that a lot of times my disposition is, a lot of times my disposition is, how is her presence or something that she says, can she say or do something that makes me okay with something that happened to me today, right?

Like I'm coming into the house thinking about what I can get from her. Part of it is the fact that Barbara greets me at the door and Barbara is all about what she can give to me. To invest, yeah, you're willing to receive an investment in your happiness. But if I went in and my mentality was regardless of how bad my day was,

I'm going in with the mindset of like, invest in her happiness. And again, you can actually do it for selfish reasons. I mean, just to be completely transparent, like if you're like, because ultimately the weird thing about this is you kind of go full circle and it's just like, this will make you happier.

I think that's the beauty of it. I don't think that's the- That's not the motivation. I'm just saying, but the net result is if you go in with that, surprise, surprise, you will end up being happier ultimately. Yeah, and I think because we are getting out more than our families are,

we're in here connecting, having this conversation. This is, I mean, this is an investment in our happiness, right? We're getting built up in a way that like, they're not leaving the house as much as we are. So when we go back to our families, it's like, hey, I'm bringing an energy that is hard to just create when you're at home all the time.

So starting to have more of that mentality, I think is helpful. Boy, all of this, thank you for sharing all this advice. Yeah, there's more that we can talk about. Maybe we'll talk about it another time. These farts are really smelling good. Yeah, see that's, I just don't like the analogy. I'm gonna make a recommendation

because rec baby, rec baby one, two, three, it's that time. It's the end of the episode. I wanna recommend that you listen to Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday. I was not, I didn't know about this song. Time called, in 1999, Time called this song, Time Magazine said Strange Fruit was the best song

of the century, you know, they named it that at the turn of the century. It was recorded by Billie Holiday in 1939. It was written by Abel Murapole two years earlier. It protests the lynching of black Americans with lyrics that compare the victims to the fruit of trees. If you wanna read about all this, just go to the Wikipedia, that's where I'm getting this information,

but it's a powerful song in this time. It puts yourself in the shoes of someone looking at a photograph of a lynching that happened in Indiana on August 7th, 1930. I mean, upwards of 5,000 black Americans died as a result of lynching. And there are photographs of people just, there are postcards of people celebrating and having picnics in the presence of black people

being hung from trees as if it's like, look at the great thing that we did. It's absolutely horrifying. But through this song, I mean, it turned out to be Billie Holiday's most popular song and it was sold over a million records. And it was a huge risk in her career. Of course, she was advised not to do it. She was very relegated, regulated in the way she could do it.

She had to be let out of her recording contract to record this song as an exception. And then it became her most popular song. It's extremely moving. Again, it's another way to stare into the face of this, of the horror of racism and deal with it. Well, it's kind of a small example of what I see so often online

when anybody who's an artist of any kind, entertainer says anything with conviction that might be interpreted as political, there's this shut up and sing, shut up and dance, shut up and do whatever it is that you do. And I love it when an artist takes that and actually turns it back on the people who say that and through their art does something

that paints the picture in a stark and sort of heart wrenching way. Yeah, I mean, this is on the playlist that Britt and I created. If you don't know, give or take every week on a Saturday night, we do a listening party for each other that's different themes and we did a theme of songs for change.

This is on that playlist. So you can go to my Instagram and click on the IGTV tab and see all of those episodes. But specifically this one, go to my Spotify. I got all the songs for, oh, I didn't mean, that's your laptop, didn't mean to close it. No, I'll be okay. Go to my spot, you don't need it.

There you go, it's gone. I got all types of playlist. Now you're shouting out your Spotify. I mean, you can't get on me about shouting out. I haven't shouted out my stuff in a long time. I only did it so that you would say that. "'Strange Fruit' by Billie Holiday." That's really what you need to listen to.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for the advice that was given to you that then you shared with us and hopefully the conversation about it. Spread all the love and the advice around in all the right places. Invest in someone's happiness today. It's what you make it.

We'll talk at you in a few weeks. Enjoy the break from us, but don't forget about us. Hashtag Ear Biscuits.