Ear Biscuits with Rhett & Link - Ep. 73 Rhett & Link “Ridiculous But True Wal-Mart Stories” - Ear Biscuits

Episode Date: June 12, 2015

In this special Rhett & Link-only episode, the guys talk about some of the strangest things that have occurred inside of a Walmart, including a guy who dressed up as a cow and stole 26 gallons of milk and a man who decided to go shopping for socks in the nude. They also share some of their personal Walmart stories, including the time Rhett stole a pack of batteries after remembering he’d left his infant son in the car. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This, this, this, this is Mythical. Welcome to Ear Biscuits, I'm Rhett. And I'm Link. Joining us today at the round table of dim lighting is Us. That's right, it's another Rhett and Link only Ear Biscuit, y'all. Okay, well, I'm-

And I'm excited, can you tell? I'm excited about this one, not just because we get to make another Rhett and Link only Ear Biscuit, Link, I always enjoy this. We don't have to accommodate anybody else's schedule and get anybody water, and we just get to talk to each other. Because getting people water is so off-putting.

Like, what are you saying? I'm joking. I enjoy talking to other people, but you know, every once in a while, we need to- Shoot the long breeze. Refresh our friendship. With each other.

Is that what this is about? Does this refresh our friendship? Yeah, I think so. I think it will today because- Are you wearing deodorant? Actually, I did smell myself a little earlier and- It wasn't good? I'm just honestly saying-

Well, you're on the opposite end of the table, so. I didn't feel great about it. I was like, you know when you have those moments when you smell yourself and you're like, if someone else were to smell this, would they know that it was human? Well, speaking- And that it was me human?

Yeah, speaking of odd smells from humans, we're gonna be talking all about Walmart today. Walmart, you gotta understand what kind of special place Walmart holds in the hearts of anyone who's from the Southern United States of America, because I'm not exaggerating that I would venture to say that more than 50% of people in the South spend more than 50% of their income at Walmart.

Do you think that's an exaggeration? Well, I know for me when- It was true of me. I lived in North Carolina, that was true of me. Because you went to the super Walmart. You got all your, we got all our groceries there. There was no, I mean, the time that I was in Fuquay-Varina, there was a Harris Teeter that had expensive groceries

is what we thought, and you had Walmart that had the cheap stuff, and you could get pretty much whatever you wanted there. And the Target didn't have groceries, so there you go. Anytime you needed any kind of tool or anything, it's like, I mean, the super Walmart. Right, but now living in LA, there's no access to one. There's one way, way, way, way away from my house

and I went there one time and it was shady. It was a shady experience. It was nothing like the experience back in Fuqua. So there's gonna be a reminiscing aspect to this episode, which is Walmart themed, but more specifically, just like our recent Rhett and Link Only Ear Biscuits, which have been like extended GMM styles. We talked about strange science experiments,

strange rites of passage. You can go back and listen to that if you want to, either one of those. But this one, it's a little closer to home because it's weird things that have happened, documented things that are weird that have happened within a Walmart. And you gotta understand,

we're gonna be talking about some things that have happened to us personally in a Walmart. I've got some Walmart stories and some things that have happened within a Walmart. And you gotta understand, we're gonna be talking about some things that have happened to us personally in a Walmart. I've got some Walmart stories and some things that have happened to persons who are not us. Because Walmart has had so many people go in and out of its doors, it's automatically opening doors,

that anything that can happen, anything that can happen has probably happened in a Walmart. And then been documented on the internet for us to do research on. Right. And then present it to you. That's what you got in store for you. In this Walmart bizarre happening Ear Biscuit.

But first, we wanted to remind you all about our song Biscuits Volume 1 album featuring 15 of the songs that we wrote, collaborated with a lot of our friends from the internets to create some songs based on suggestions from the internet. You saw them on Good Mythical Morning.

They were every Saturday for 15 weeks. And now you can get it on iTunes and Amazon Music. Yes, Amazon. Where you can get the Amazon Music. Featuring songs. I think that's on Amazon. It is. But it's also on iTunes, which I already said.

Featuring songs like the Five Nights at Freddy's song featuring Markiplier, the 10 Second Rule song featuring Nice Peter, and one of our personal favorites, the First Comet song featuring us. Sitting there staring at your screen And a new video pops up in your feed Sitting there staring at your screen And a new video pops up in your feed

You know exactly what this means Open it up but don't watch it Scroll down really quick and comment You type first I don't know if that's our personal favorite, but one of our personal favorites because it's just us. I mean, that sounded a little selfish, but it's just one that turned out really nice. Yeah, I mean, there's 15, so get them all,

you know, buy the album. It's a special price, guys, $8.99. I mean, where else can you do that, Link? Where else can you do that? Can you do that? Have you found a place you can do that? Probably other albums on iTunes and Amazon. But they're not ours.

Great way to get some good music in your library and show your mythicality. Thanks for checking it out. Now let's continue this biscuit. Let's enter the Walmart. We parked our car. We had to park kind of far away, but we're walking. But it was a big old space.

It was a big space. Could have fit like a dually in there. Yeah, it's like you can, we parked in the space and you can open your doors all the way. Now the reason why we're starting all the way back here is because this is like the first thing that we don't have in LA, is spaces where you can like open your car door all the way.

My kids usually get out of a minivan. I'm just gonna be real with you. Yeah. And the way a minivan door opens in the back, it just opens a little and then slides. And then the kids just get out. But when I take the kids- That works well. When I take the kids in the car with me,

they get out of the back seat anywhere we park, and it's like, I gotta get out first and like spot the doors because they just fling them open. And you can't fling a car door open in Los Angeles. No you can't because there are no spaces. You can't even. No spaces that are big enough to park a normal sized vehicle in next to another normal size.

With doors. I mean if you have like a doorless car with kids in it, shame on you first of all, but second of all, you gotta stand there if they got doors and you gotta like, you gotta spot it before it even gets to the first notch. Wow, we're really getting into this whole parking space thing.

Yeah, we're not even, we're not even. We're not in the Walmart yet. We're not even in the Walmart. Okay, but here's the deal. Not only, there's just, it was such a part of our experience growing up and after we grew up that one of the first songs that we ever wrote that was a comedy song was the Walmart song.

And it was all about just a trip to Walmart. And we performed it live before we ever made a video for it. And we actually never made a music video for it. We never made a music video for the Walmart song. Because the Facebook song was written after the Walmart song. The Walmart song was one of the very, very first songs that had you playing the harmonica in it.

And it was all about a trip to Walmart. But we should play, I'm not gonna say we're gonna play the whole song for him. I'll let Kevin decide how much of this song he's willing to share with you guys. But here's at least a clip of it. And my friend Theodore who greased me as I walked through the automatic doors

with a comb over like a bird's nest. I know of no one who looks better in a blue vest. He hands me my cart and I'm on my way to get a five-gallon jug of grape Gatorade. Don't play your hate. If pharmaceuticals gotta get beautiful, I pick up a little tool for pushing back my cuticles. I'm dutiful to continue to press on to the close section to try some mess on. A suggestion coming from the loudspeakers says it's a sale on them Velcro sneakers.

Walmart. Walmart. We love it, love it, love it. So as you can see, we got a lot of mileage out of all the things that could happen in a Walmart that you could put into a song. And I also wonder if you can hear like how differently we sound.

I know that's been so long ago. That was like 2005 when we probably recorded that song. Maybe 2004. Maybe earlier than that. Maybe 2003. No, you're still, no, when we recorded, when we wrote that song. Recorded that version of it.

It was 2002, 2003, and I don't, yeah, and, no, hold on, it's on Just Mail Us the Grammy. Is it on Just Mail Us the Grammy? I believe the date on Just Mail Us the Grammy. 99? Might be 2001, I don't know, it's old, okay? It's old, don't worry about it. It's an old song.

So that's, we're just, it's a backhanded apology, but let's get into some weird Walmart stories that don't involve us just like playing our own music or talking about car doors opening. Okay, we're gonna start with one that does not involve us personally, and then we'll come back to the personal ones. Okay.

Okay, this one happens in Virginia, just north of North Carolina, April, 2011. 18 year old man, Jonathan Payton, waltzes in to a Walmart, but not in a normal way. Okay. He comes in on all fours. Okay. Wearing a cow suit.

Oh, well that makes sense then. I mean, if you're moonlighting as a cow suit. Oh, well that makes sense then. I mean, if you're moonlighting as a cow, then you gotta come in on all fours. And now you- That's like in the manual of like the cow suit. You guess. You tell me, Link, what section of the store did the cow man go to?

Where do you think you went? Where do you think you might have gone? The cow dating section. did the cow man go to? Where do you think he went? Where do you think he might have gone? The cow dating section. Nope. Because Walmarts have everything. Nope, he went to the dairy section, Link. The cow, Jonathan, goes on all fours to the dairy section. I don't know exactly how he did this,

but he gets 26 gallons of milk, 26 gallons of milk. Now, I don't know if how he did this, but he gets 26 gallons of milk, 26 gallons of milk. Now, I don't know if there was a cart involved, but it made it seem like he was on all fours. I don't know how you push a cart while on all fours. With your head. With your head, okay. Maybe that's what he did. He lodged his head underneath there. It was like a bull, a dairy bull.

Yes, yes, after loading 26 gallons of milk into a cart. So he was on all fours, got the cart, I guess he's pushing it with his head. He takes, I guess, how many, hey, you tell me. How many gallons of milk can you fit into a shopping cart? Approximately 26 gallons? Yeah, I'm guessing 26. He would've filled it up.

He might've used the bottom part, maybe the bottom cart part. Yeah, that's a lot of milk. Yeah. I'd say that's... It's $ part. Yeah, that's a lot of milk. Yeah. I'd say that's... It's $92 worth if that's what you were wondering. Oh, yeah. Because that's here in the store too.

I was gonna do some milk math. That's $92 worth at the time. And okay. So he's looking for like a discount, right? He's like, oh, cute. Oh yeah. The cow's loading up on milk. No, no, no, he bypasses the checkout line.

Goes straight out the door. Of course, because he's inconspicuous. Right. What, he just walks right out the door? He walks right out the door. But then you might wonder, oh, okay, so this- A cow on all fours pushing 26 gallons of milk just can walk right out of a Walmart.

You might think, okay, well, okay, I get it. He's a thief. He works here. No, he's a thief and he's stealing it. No, no, no, that get it. He's a thief. He works here. No, he's a thief and he's stealing it. No, no, no, that wasn't even what was really happening. I mean, technically, yes, he did steal it, but when he got into the parking lot, what did he proceed to do? He proceeded to hand out the gallons of milk

to customers in the parking lot. Like a free giveaway? Yeah. Like people walking into Walmart? Hey, there's a cow here today. All the cows, the cow giving free milk at the Walmart. It's interesting if the customer's walking in, then they would be liable to have to either pay for it when they left, which is a funny thing.

You know, maybe it was given it to exiting customers, but I would assume as a customer, they're trying to hawk all kinds of wares outside of the Walmart back home. It's like a sample station. Girl Scout cookies. Oh look, it's a sample station, but the sample is a whole gallon.

What was his motive? You know what, Link? I don't know if motives and Jonathan Payton go together. Yeah, maybe what was missing, you know? What was missing that didn't construct a motive? It could have been a dare, I don't know. But this is what happened. You know, the reason we know that it was Jonathan Payton

is because he was caught, and the reason he was caught is because he wore the cow costume that leaves your face open. So you can still tell that it's Jonathan. Okay. So you can see tell that it's Jonathan. Okay. So you can see Jonathan on the security camera. He was very easily identifiable by police. That's Jonathan.

He was spotted out of costume, guess where? At a nearby McDonald's. So he went to the number one place most people spend their money and then he went to the number two place that people spend their money and then he went to the number two place that people spend their money. He was found at McDonald's. So he wasn't still in the cow costume

like giving out burgers out front because that would have also made sense. Well, he was out of the cow costume but the cow costume was still in his car and he was given- And all the milk? He was given a summons. He had given that away. He had given away the milk

and I guess they let those people take it. He was given a summons. He had given that away. He had given away the milk. I guess they let those people take it. He was given a summons and then released from the scene. And I assume later he went to court. Who knows what, in court, I mean, I don't mean Q-U-A-R-T, I mean C-O-U-R-T. It's just, you know, I would love to meet this guy. Well, it could probably be arranged. He's in Virginia.

He was 18 in 2011, you know. Just a simple why. Yeah, he's right. Let's have him on the show. Let's have him on an EarBiscuit. What were you thinking, Jonathan? Jonathan, I know you're listening. Give us a call.

I got another one. March 2009, a Walmart in Massachusetts, specifically Foulmouth, Massachusetts. This is the town. Is that how you say that? F-A-L-mouth specifically Foulmouth, Massachusetts. This is the town. Is that how you say that? F-A-L-Mouth. Foulmouth. I like Foulmouth.

You got a foul mouth, boy. I'm going to wash it out with soap once I go into Walmart and get some. Or get a 24-pack. Of zest. I'm going to wash your mouth out with zest, boy. It smells so strong. So the Cape Cod Times brought this story to me. I can really sink my teeth into it.

That's a pun, once you go with me a little bit. A dude who, we don't have his name, was shopping for a new wallet at the foul mouth Massachusetts Walmart. I'm gonna go with Falmouth. Falmouth. And just before purchasing the wallet, what did he do? I'm going to check this thing out.

He opened up the billfold. He's like unzipping compartments. Like, whoa, this one's got a zipper compartment on it. That's high end for Walmart. I'm just going to give me some thought to buying this one. gonna give me some thought to buy in this one. And lo and behold, in one of the containers within said billfold, he finds 10 human teeth. 10.

Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, not nine, 10 human teeth, one of which had a filling. Oh, score. Yeah, was it a gold filling? Because take that out, pocket it and then- I don't think they do the gold, do they? I do not have that information with the Cape Cod Times.

Police said the man was shopping at the Walmart around 10 p.m. when he unzipped one of the compartments and discovered 10 human teeth, one with a filling. That's a good time to be at Walmart. Yeah. You know? Like a 10 p.m. wallet shop. That's, I just, you know, you go in there. Last time I went home to North Carolina,

I went into the Walmart about, I'm not kidding, about 10 p.m. It's the end of a decent evening. No one was there. I was just like, how does this happen? Really? Nobody. I've never been in a Walmart when nobody was there.

There was like six people in the whole place. Did you go to the wallet section? No, I didn't. Well, that's where they all were. But I mean, there's just nobody there. And can I for a minute just talk about wallet shopping in general? Yeah, I would love for you to do that.

I always have had a problem with wallet shopping. It's intimidating. I have needed a wallet for a while. I've only had like three wallets in my entire life. I'm not exaggerating because- How long you been on this one? This one, at least eight years. Let me see it.

It's actually the insert that goes inside of a wallet. It has no flap. And I bought a wallet and this actually the insert that goes inside of a wallet. It has no flap. And I bought a wallet and this was the insert that holds your cards and that's all I keep. But anyway, you go, you know, you say, well, I need to get a wallet. Or like my mom or my wife will say, You need a new wallet. You need a new wallet.

I'm gonna get you a wallet. Don't get me a wallet. And then I go and I look at wallets and then it's like, why would I pay money to buy something to put money in? It just doesn't seem right. To protect it. It's like, why spend money to buy something to hold money and then I don't have money to be held

in the thing that I just bought. Well, you get more money. It's like, it defeats the purpose. It's like, man, it's instant regret. I just spent, do I need to say it again? I just spent the money for the thing. The logic is not sound to me, but you know, if it works for you.

But if there were 10 teeth in it and one of them had a filling, I would be like, yes, this is now worth it. I at least have a story that someone's gonna talk about five years later. The wallet still had tags on it. The guy, it's not like someone put the wallet still had tags on it. It's not like someone put the wallet in there

and it was used. Right. Someone walked in there. And put teeth in. And put teeth in. I think I know who it was. You think you know who it was? They performed DNA tests.

Oh yeah, that's not gonna work. There was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth. Right. So they could not get a DNA sample. So that's a piece of evidence. It was a tooth fairy. What? Name one person who walks around

with just random teeth. And then- That exists? That might be- Because the tooth fairy's not on my list. Might be in the Walmart. Tooth fairy is in the Walmart and he's like, oh crap. He. She's she.

She. Well, the tooth fairy can be a man. There's many of them. This one's a man. Okay. And he's in the Walmart and I played the Tooth Fairy at one point. True.

In a video, I'm a man. Oh, I thought you meant in real life. And he sees somebody spying him looking, oh, I think I spotted the Tooth Fairy. He's like, I gotta unload these teeth. Nearest place is this wallet I'm checking out right now. Well. Unzip it, put them in there.

Well, before I knew that there was no blood or gum tissue, the first thing I pictured was some dude shopping for a wallet who just decided to pull out 10 of his teeth. It's like, man, I gotta do some dental work. Well, what you get going on one. Yeah, I got nine more to go, buddy. Yeah, yeah. I'm going all the way.

I actually, that's just, my father-in-law is a dentist, you know, and he had a guy show up at his house one night and a guy had pulled all of his own teeth, but he got- What? He got, he said, Dr. Lane, I've been pulling,

he taught us like this, Dr. Lane, I've been pulling all my teeth all night and I got to my eye teeth and I can't get them out. Are you kidding me? And if you're from the South, you know that eye teeth means canines. The pointy ones. The pointy ones. So he got to my eye teeth and I can't get them out. Are you kidding me? And if you're from the South, you know that eye teeth means canines. The pointy ones. The pointy ones. So he got to his eye teeth and he couldn't get them out.

And he got to like the environment and he was like, oh, you can get my eye teeth out. And so he took them to his office and he pulled his eye teeth out. Oh man. Maybe it was that guy. As if devoting a whole hour to talking about Walmart wasn't enough, you just did a spot on impression

of people who actually exist that if you've never been in the South, you wouldn't believe that people actually talk like that. Oh yeah. Even if they haven't just pulled out all of their teeth. Why? Why was he pulling out his teeth? Because he knew they were bad. But I bet this gives insight into the wallet.

I'm going back on my theory. I don't think it was a tooth fairy. It was that dude. I think it was a guy performing oral surgery on himself in Walmart. He's like, man, they got a doctor in here. There's no gum tissue or blood. They got an ophthalmologist in here. I might as well just do some teeth surgery on myself.

And was he hoping to, was he an employee and he was hoping to get like workers comp or something? I did the surgery in the daggum Walmart. I was on the clock. Y'all owe me. But with no blood or gum tissue, I keep having to tell you, they must have been in there for like months.

This was somebody saving teeth. I think it was a kid who had some teeth, man. He was like, I'm gonna put them in. No, it was a guy who did it, but then he put it in the wallet in the very back and no one found, no one looked at that wallet for like six months until it all dried out. It was a wallet that nobody wanted.

A Walmart spokeswoman, Ashley Hardy, is quoted as stating- Sounds like somebody I would've dated in high school. We are not aware of anything like this happening in the past, and we believe this to be an isolated incident. I love the fact that the Walmart spokeswoman was trying to head off the conclusion that everyone was coming to about Walmart. It's like, people are stuffing teeth in Walmart everywhere.

All Walmart wallets have been compromised. I am never going to Walmart again because you know what happens there? People go in there, they pull out 10 of their teeth, and then they throw it in the wallets. Boycott Walmart. I'll tell you, speaking of girlfriends and Walmart, that is one of my stories. I might as well just go ahead and tell it. Lay it on me.

I've told you, you know this story. I heard it the next day. Because, yeah, I mean, this one happened in the past, like six or seven years. This was my second girlfriend. Because it hinges on the fact that if you go to Walmart, You're gonna run into somebody.

You're gonna run into somebody. You're gonna run into the people that live in that town because everybody goes to Walmart. You know it, you know it. You go in there and you gotta get your makeup right, you gotta get your hair right. Oh yeah. You can't be wearing those sweatpants that, you gotta like, oh, I gotta get some makeup right, you gotta get your hair right. Oh yeah. You can't be wearing like those sweat pants that,

you know, you gotta like, oh, I gotta get some Jolly Ranchers. And then it's like, well, I gotta put on britches first. Your whole town reputation. I can't keep my holy shorts on. Hinges on what you look like in the Walmart. I gotta put on underwear under these pants. And when I put on underwear,

I might as well put on good britches and then you go to the Walmart. Yeah, I had good britches on and this is my second girlfriend, first kiss. Also your second girlfriend, first kiss? Bingo. Yeah, Amber. And we dated in middle school

and we dated again in high school, but we did not speak. We weren't on bad terms, it's just we kinda lost touch. Didn't speak during college and then there, you know, there's a number of years, you know, I get married, I have children. And I will say, there were a number of high school friends within that close-knit group that we did keep in touch with.

We talked about on Sorted Food. Yeah. A little bit that we kept in touch with for many years. But we didn't really. But she wasn't one of them. No, she wasn't. She kind of went off and did her own thing a little bit. You know?

Which made it a little mysterious, right? Yeah, and I honestly, I hadn't done any, I don't even know, was I on Facebook at the time? Surely I was. But I wasn't, I didn't stalk her on Facebook or anything. I had not kept up with her at all. But you know, when you date somebody

in that formative period in your life, you never forget them, right? Your first kiss, your first like real relationship, and it was in middle school and it was in high school. There's always this, you never forget that. Sentimental mystique. And so it was crazy, because I'm like a 25 year old dude,

maybe older than that. You're married. I'm married. You have a child. And I'm pushing a cart through the Walmart and I'm going down, I'm doing one of those things where I'm going down the, I'm going along the aisles, looking down the aisles

to get to the aisle that I want to be in. Mm-hmm. And so I'm looking down the aisle and I go by one aisle, go by two aisles, go by three aisles and I look all the way down and I see that she, Amber, is on the opposite aisle doing the same thing that I'm doing, going the opposite direction.

But. We lock eyes. For But- We lock eyes. For real? We lock eyes. And you immediately knew it was her after like- And she immediately knew it was me. I mean, you're tall and gangly. Yeah. That hair standing up on your head,

that can't be mistaken. And we lock eyes. How did you know it was her? She hadn't changed? She hadn't changed much. No, she had not. And we lock eyes. How did you know it was her? She hadn't changed? She hadn't changed much. No, she had not. And we lock eyes and like two strangers passing in the night. I keep going, she keeps going.

You didn't stop the cart awkwardly? She didn't stop the cart. But the eyes locked for a second. And then you like hit a toddler. You know what, I may have slowed down the cart. All I know is there was a weird eye lock and there was a moment in which each one of us could have just been like, hey, we used to date,

but we don't have to talk about that, we can just say hi. Cause we both have, we're both married and have kids and this doesn't have to be weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but no, just. And then I was like, oh crap. And then now once that happens, the Walmart's a big place, but you're like, she was going this way, I was going this way.

I mean, sooner or later, she's gonna be this way. We're gonna run into each other again and we're gonna run into each other at the checkout line. What should I do? So I just kinda went back to like the meat section and hung out for a while. What?

I just kinda held, I kinda just laid low for a little bit. You retreated to the meat section? I was, well I could spend a lot of time in the meat section just perusing. Dude. Mm-hmm. But you could have played it like, it was her who didn't stop,

but you didn't wanna chase her, right? Hey, hey, hey! I felt like after that initial look, it was, I'd blown it. It was, but so did she. Yeah, I don't know, something. Why has it gotta be all on you? I don't know, I feel responsible.

It was like do or die. It was a Walmart and I was the man. I should have been the one to say something. But I didn't and here we are, we still have not spoken. But what, since that, that's the last time you've seen her? The last time I saw her. I saw her at Walmart like 10 years ago. And it's not like, what,

if you had to do it again, what would you have done? I mean, it's not like- I would have just gone up and said hello. It wasn't weird. I mean, we dated in high school. Right. But I made it weird. You made it, she weird. I mean, we dated in high school. Right. But I made it weird. You made it, she also, I'm saying.

We made it weird. Met together. Yeah. It was like old times. Yeah, yeah, you know, either one of it. It was like that awkward first kiss where like. It was like we just broke up. Am I going left, am I going right?

Well, I'm going right and you're going left. It was like we had just broken up last week. You know, it was like that level of like. I'm sorry, dude, but I'm just gonna say that I think that that's telling like. Telling what? I don't know, there's revealing, there's something there. I mean, that's what everybody who's listening

is thinking right now. Well, this has been 10 years ago, Link. Another 10 years. If I saw her in Walmart now, without a doubt, I would go talk to her. All right, no big deal. I bet if you just go back to that Walmart. She'll be there?

Within three days. Yeah, she will be. She just hang out there for- I think she still lives in the area. Yeah, just go there for three days and she'll show up. Hang out in the meat section. She'd probably show up there too. Right, right.

Well, I would hang out at the entrance. Matter of fact, just get a job there. As the greeter. Yeah, just greet people. Can I be a volunteer greeter for three days? Like a gratis, a gratis greeter. My ex-girlfriend might be walking in here. It's like the real life version of classmates.com,

which by the way, I've got a resurgence of emails from those people as of yesterday. Whoa, you need to change your settings. I know this podcast is getting really loose and going off the rails, but. It's all still happening in Walmart. Can I talk about classmates.com for a second? Okay, it's.

I unsubscribed again. Like I unsubscribed like five years ago. Yeah, they keep coming back, they keep getting you. They do not heed an unsubscription. How did I even get on classmates.com? You know why? Because you told me that story about Amber six years ago and I was like, well, I'm gonna get on classmates.com.

I bet I can drum up some people that way. And I'm still trying to unsubscribe. Okay, well, let's move on to a woman. Go to classmates.com slash Rhett and Link and get $100 off your nothing. We're not having anything to do with them. Let's move on to Kingsport, Tennessee. There's a Walmart there.

This is October 8th, 2013. I remember it like it was yesterday. What day of the week was that? Do you know, do you have that? That was a Thursday. There are people who have that ability. There's a dude that got hit in the head with like a baseball bat or something.

With a calendar. He got hit in the head with a baseball bat and now if you say October 8th, 2013, he's like Thursday. You know, you could even say like October 7th, 1887, he'd be like Friday. I bet he doesn't tell anybody the story because it would promote getting hit in the head with a baseball bat.

Right. Well, this is a woman, an older lady, who went into a Walmart. Is that a nice way to say an old lady? An old lady. Okay. Goes into the Walmart. She's riding around on a motorized scooter.

You know one of those, a motorized scooter. Mm-hmm. So she's killing it in there. She somehow gets a large flat screen TV onto the scooter. And then scoots right on out the front door and steals it. Kingsport Police Information Officer. She scoots a flat screen television

out the front of the Walmart? Was she wearing a cow suit? Right, no, no cow suit was reported. But Kingsport Police information officer, yes, there is a information officer. His name is Tom Patton. He does not carry a gun, he just carries knowledge. He said, uh.

My weapon is knowledge. He said she was pulling it behind her motorized scooter in a shopping buggy right out the front door. Oh, she was towing it. Yeah, yeah. She was towing a cart. Yeah, now that I read the specifics, that's what it was. She wasn't like power lifting a flat screen.

But he suspected that somebody had helped her get the flat screen into the buggy because I mean, it's a woman on a motorized scooter can't lift that thing. Can you get this flat screen into the buggy because some woman on a motorized scooter can't lift that thing. Can you get this flat screen into this cart and can you also bungee cord it to my scooter so I can take it out the front door?

Yeah, right, exactly. And Patton also said, I guess she was taking advantage of the fact that she was older riding a scooter and probably looked a little more innocent than a typical shoplifter to help her commit her crime. The information officer going ageist on this? Making it about being old? She probably looked a little more innocent than the typical shoplifter to help her commit her crime. The information officer going ageist on this?

Making it about being old, man? He's probably right. Well, and here's this kicker, Link. She was never caught. She was caught on surveillance footage. How fast did that scooter go? Nobody recognized her. It's got like a hyper speed on it.

This was 2013. This woman's watching this television right now. No, she's not. She's still scooting. No, I believe she settled at home. Yeah. Wow. She's probably done this many times.

She's like, listen, I got this little thing I do. They never get me. So you like walk in her living room and there's like four flat screens. She looks like a security booth officer. I think she steals other things, not just TVs. I'm saying. I wonder if she kept the cart too.

Well, that's the thing about the cart because it seems like it was one of the carts that you can go and get in if you need it. And the thing I've noticed is that, you know, you've got people who have a disability who use that. You got people who are older and need help walking around. When I broke my pelvis, you used to use one. I used one

in the grocery store in college. And that was legitimate. I remember you using the scooter in the grocery store. I remember walking in, we were like going in, it wasn't a Ralph's, they didn't have those back home. It was, what was that cheap grocery store? Like- IGA?

No, like- Piggly Wiggly? Near the- Food Lion? Food Lion. I could name, I could keep going. That's it. We walk in the Food Lion, I'm on crutches

because I broke my pelvis, and I'm about to just follow you around the Food Lion, and then I look over to my right and it's like, oh, I can legitimately use one of these things. Without feeling guilty. Without feeling guilty for once. Unlike a lot of the teen, I see the teenagers, those teenagers go into the stores.

The teenagers. And they get on those carts and they're just doing it for fun. The teens these days can't keep their buttocks out of the cart. Will just do the automatic cart thing. Really, have you seen this? I've seen it multiple times

and I've thought about saying something about it. But I was like, I'm not that old yet. I gotta have like a half a head of gray hair before I can start yelling at teens for using motorized scooters in a Walmart. So what do you do? You harbor silent resentment. I just cross my arms and grunt.

Really? I don't like to see people take advantage of the system, man. You were a different story. You had a broken pelvis. It's another story that was told once on the internet. I would totally confront wayward teens using scooter devices in a public purchasing environment.

I did once though steal something from a Walmart. Maybe I should tell that story. I have told this story. Because the elderly woman's story's over. She got away. She got away and I got away. I'm sitting right here, no one ever charged me for this. What did you?

But I don't believe, you know, you be the judge. I've told this story, I don't know, somewhere before, Good Mythical Morning, something. Like in a confession booth? You're not Catholic. I stole a battery or like a pack of batteries. But here's the weird part. I took another pack of batteries in

and put them in the Walmart and stole some out of the Walmart. What? That's called an exchange. Yeah, but I didn't. A rogue exchange. Okay, so you're saying it wasn't stealing. Are you, but okay, so give me context.

You bought, you legitimately bought batteries from the Walmart. I'm saying I went to the Walmart, I got one of a lot of different things, like what you do when you go to the Super Walmart, and one of the things I got was batteries. I get home, I realize I got the wrong size. Like C instead of D.

But it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't like a triple A, double A mix up because that's just extra batteries. It was definitely like a C or D mix up. It was like, I don't need these, I needed this. There's no battery you won't eventually need. It was a weird situation in which it was some kind of specialty battery. That's all I'm gonna say.

I cannot remember the specifics. Okay. But then I'm like, okay, well, I was taking my daily trip to Walmart because I literally went almost once a day, I'm sure. And I was like, I got these batteries, I need to exchange them, I'm gonna go back. Are you talking to a Walmart employee right now

or your own head? I'm talking to myself. I'm setting the story up. Okay. I had batteries and I wanted to exchange them. I'm gonna go back. Are you talking to a Walmart employee right now? I'm talking to myself. Or your own head? I'm setting the story up. I had batteries and I wanted to exchange them. I had no intention of stealing. I put them in my pocket to take into the Walmart. With your receipt? Maybe, maybe not.

They don't require a receipt. They don't require it, who cares? I go in there, I'm doing some shopping, and I'm like, you know, I got these batteries. Here I am in the battery section. I need these other batteries. They're the same price. They're the same price?

Yep. How do you know you don't have the receipt? I remembered, because they're next to each other. Still there, the other one's still there. Okay, okay. I pulled the batteries out of my pocket. I put them on the rack. I looked left and right.

Did you look left and right before pulling them out of your pocket? I looked left, right and left again, like crossing the street. I mean, every left, if you look left, right and left again, it's a clear sign that you're doing something wrong. If you look left, right and left again, then you're guilty. I mean, that's just a fact. I did. I looked left, right and left again. That's the sign that you're doing something wrong. If you look left, right and left again, then you're guilty.

I mean, that's just a fact. I did. I looked left, right and left again. That's the fact that you feel guilty. That doesn't mean you are guilty. I took them out of my pocket, I put them on the rack and I put the other ones back in my other pocket. And you're on the pocket. I'm still in the same pocket, the empty pocket.

And I kept shopping and I just, I don't know why. It's so stupid. Did you think about creating a diversion first? Because then you're really guilty. I wasn't thinking because. You're like, I'm gonna throw some batteries down here where everyone's gonna look, and then while they're looking, I'm gonna.

It just wasn't worth it, if you think about it. It was not worth it, no. It's so easy to exchange things at a Walmart, but I was like, I don't wanna deal with that. Think about how embarrassing it would've been. To be caught for shoplifting? And I was still, I was a father at this time. Yeah, and you know what?

The cops would have come up, they would have handcuffed you. Listen, officer, it's not really stealing, I was exchanging and it's the same price. And as you're pleading your case, as you're handcuffed and they're walking you out of the Walmart, you look down the aisle and there at the end, frozen in a stare is Amber.

Yeah, she saw the whole thing. Watching the whole thing. She'd been there waiting for you, Rhett. Oh gosh. Yeah, you never, what if that had happened? It's funny, you didn't think about anything except the fact that who cares, I just need to get, I'm not stealing. And you know me, man.

You're not stealing. I don't take a lot of risks in that kind of thing. I'm really surprised. This is totally a link move. That's like- I've got another stupid thing I did, I'll tell you later. I've done a couple of stupid things

when I've been in a Walmart. But it reminds me, here's the thing- Walmart makes me stupid. Here's the thing that- That's what I'm learning. Put that on a t-shirt and then let them sell it in a Walmart. Oh, they do that. That's irony. And that on a t-shirt, and then let them sell it in a Walmart. Oh, they do that.

That's irony, and that can be on the tag, that's irony. It made me think, here's the thing I've done, I've never done something as stupid as a rogue exchange, but the thing that I've done every Christmas was you open gifts, kids are like, I already have this. Like grandma also got me this. Yeah, those kids. It's like, well, where's the gift receipt?

Oh, we'll just take it to Walmart. Where'd you get it? Doesn't matter, we'll just take it back to Walmart. Hold on, you said this? Oh, heck yeah. Oh my goodness, Link. So there's, because- You're the worst kind.

They don't require receipts, and if they carry it, you just return it there. But it's okay, because they have some sort of accounting with the manufacturer of the thing. Oh, that's what you think. Question mark? That's what I've been telling myself. I mean, if they'll take it, they got-

But maybe they resell it. Do they resell it? Walmart holds the inventory, but they don't carry the cost of the inventory. That's why they're so rich. It's something to do with that. So my rationale extends to their business model that if I return some Fisher Price

in order to get a nanny nanny nannies, then they just say, hey, some jerk returned this and we gotta do some accounting here. This is your mix up. This is your product. It's now back on our shelves. Huh, trying to-

But I don't know at all. I'm just saying, is that ethical? Well, who's more wrong, me or you? Let's break this down. You've got the first store that you, let's say you bought it from a Target. Okay, so that you, let's say you bought it from a Target. Okay, so you buy. Let's say grandma bought it from a Target.

Grandma buys a widget from a Target. Yeah. And she buys that widget for $1. Okay, so Target gets $1. They give whatever percentage to, no, they bought it wholesale, so they take the dollar. So Target gets the dollar. The widget manufacturer has already made all his money.

For that purchase. He made his money when he sold- To Target. To Target. But not to Walmart. So now you take the widget back to Walmart, which it never goes, it wasn't at Walmart. Walmart also sells the widget. Walmart-

But I believe that then when Walmart sells it again, that the manufacturer makes money again, and so does Walmart. Well, hold on a second. Everybody's happy. So if you give it back to Walmart, Walmart gives you $1. So you are now released from the transaction.

You paid a dollar and you gave it back. Parties irrespective, you don't have a dollar anymore, you're out of the transaction. Whether it's ethical or not, we'll come back to that. They pay, no, they pay me 50 cents, whatever they're currently selling the thing at because there's no receipt. Let's just say it's a dollar.

Okay. Let's just say it's the same price, even though they say they have the lowest prices. Let's say it's 99 cents. So you get 99 cents, you're out one cent. Walmart takes Widget. Well, I'm not out out one cent. Walmart takes widget. Well, I'm not out of one cent because grandma paid it, so.

And now Walmart pays a, basically has to restock the thing because you opened it up. They're gonna pay money to have that restocked and then they're gonna turn around and they're gonna sell it again. The restocking fee, you place the burden of the restocking fee. You placed the burden of the restocking fee on Walmart

and it wasn't something that they had to calculate because they didn't sell it to you in the first place. It's unethical. But they now have inventory to sell that they didn't have before. So. And that makes up the difference? I hope so.

I don't know, I don't know. We could Google it or we could just let you decide on the other end of this. How about we talk about a woman who got super glued to a toilet seat? Yeah, let's go there. This is in Kentucky. This is June, 2012.

You know, this one's really, really simple. Unidentified woman is in a Monticello. There's apparently a Monticello in Kentucky. There's a Walmart inside of Thomas Jefferson's house? No, but there's a Monticello, is it Monticello? That's the name of Thomas Jefferson's house. Yeah, I know that. That's a big wing. It's not Monticello, it's Monticello, is it Monticello? That's the name of Thomas Jefferson's house. Yeah, I know that. That's a big wing.

It's not Monticello, it's Monticello. Come to my Walmart wing, which I have designed. But I don't believe that Thomas Jefferson's home is in Kentucky. The garden area is on the right side there. There's a checkout within the garden area. It's this little secret checkout area. If you get some flowers, even if you've already gotten deodorant,

you can check out there where there's not the weight that you would experience at the normal checkout counter inside of the Walmart. Is that Thomas Jefferson speaking? Yes. And I'm giving you a tour of my Monticello Walmart I've designed. And this woman, who is unidentified, is heard screaming loudly from a restroom stall in June of 2012. Paramedics show up.

Well, they can't get her out of the bathroom. Actually, they can't get her off of the toilet. They realize that her fanny has been glued to the toilet seat. Her buttocks. Because some prankster has placed super glue all over the toilet seat. Her buttocks. Because some prankster has placed super glue all over the toilet seat. Ooh. And they have to take the toilet,

they have to disconnect the toilet seat from the toilet and she walks out of there. I don't know if they put- Talk about a walk of shame. Walking through a- Does that woman have a toilet seat on her butt? Walking all the way across the Walmart with your pants around your ankles

and a toilet seat glued to your butt. What if she had spandex? She could have gotten a spandex and pulled them up back over it. You know, with regular jeans. That woman should be in a music video because her badonkadonk is in quite a configuration. But it's kind of shaped like a horseshoe

the more I look at it. Horseshoe hiney. She ought to drive one of them motorized scooters around Walmart. Or have her own website. She'd be justified. Anyway, they couldn't figure out who had done it, but turns out. No pun intended.

It turns out that this has happened six times at Walmart. To that woman? She should start raking the seat before she sits down. She should start getting, she should start putting one of those sheaths that they sell that you pull out of the side. If you needed a reason to put down the rest assured paper thing, that was it.

Shout out to rest assured. The greatest name for a product ever. There's been six cases of this, not for this woman, but at Walmart. And you gotta think, is this just a dude who does this? You know this is not a guy who comes up, I mean a girl who came up with this idea. This is a dude.

Do you know how to find the person who's done this? Look around the exit to the restroom, because you're not gonna just hightail it out of there. You're gonna sit down somewhere nearby and watch them exit with the toilet seat stuck to their butt. I mean, there's gotta be a payoff

for the prankster. It seems like somebody who works at Walmart who might do this and just sits there and enjoys the whole thing as it unfolds. Could be Sam Walton himself. That's the guy who owns Walmart. If the guy is caught,

this could be second degree assault charges. Just so you know that guy out there, you're probably listening to Ear Biscuits. You seem like the kind of guy that would be into Ear Biscuits. Just know that if you ever get caught, it's gonna be second degree assault charges. Oh, well, warning heated.

I'm not gonna jump in on that one. I got another one. February, 2012 in a Walmart in Exton, Pennsylvania. 32 year old dude named Verdon Lamont Taylor. Now this guy's middle name is Lamont. You know, I've got a special relationship with the word Lamont, cause that's my fake last name on my Twitter account.

It is. Because if you're really interested in this, back when we made the Facebook song, we created Facebook profiles and I wanted to create one for my character, not myself, and I created one called Link Lamont because the coolest guy in grade school was Lamont McClain and I thought he was cool so I made it Lamont my last name.

And it stuck with my Twitter handle too. So there's that story if you didn't know it. But anyway, this dude, kindred spirit, I wouldn't have done anything he didn't do, man. I would've done the same thing he would've done. Or I don't know if I just said the same thing twice or the opposite thing but you know what I'm trying to say. Probably.

So, Vernon Lamont Taylor decides- Can we call him VLT? VLT decides that he needs some socks, man. And where do you go when you need some socks or anything for that matter in Exton, Pennsylvania? You go to the Walmart. But he does something a little weird, just a little weird before going sock shopping

in the Walmart. He pulls up into the parking lot and then proceeds to strip down completely naked. Oh yeah. He takes off everything. I assume he didn't have socks on, but he took everything else off. And then- He wanted a pure experience of Walmart.

He didn't want to be tainted. By clothes. By clothes. So he struts into the Walmart and there's surveillance footage. I think I understand. I think I know where his mind was at because when people do things like this,

I just, I want to know know, I wanna understand their motives. I don't understand the cow guy yet, but I think I get VLT. Okay. Name a place, another place, I know of a place that supposedly had everything that man could need. Why take anything in when it's got everything you need?

Is that what you're getting at? And it was a place where man and woman were naked and unashamed. The Garden of Eden. Oh, okay. He sees the Walmart like the Garden of Eden, Link. It's a place where a man should just be able to be naked and unashamed and get anything he wants.

Well, that's not what he said. It's like the cradle of civilization. He didn't say anything, but this is what he looked like. Picture this guy. He doesn't look like how I picture Adam in the Garden of Eden. Okay. Six foot four inches tall.

He's not your height, but he's pretty tall. 300 pounds. That's big, that's a big guy, VLT. This dude, naked as a jaybird, strutting down the parking lot, watching all the surveillance footage, walks right in. And I'm assuming it is not like a bodybuilder.

I'm not picturing VLT looking like a bodybuilder. VLT is just letting it all hang out. He's probably got a low center of gravity. Yeah. Well, he walks in and he goes straight for the customer service desk. Of course. Now, that's where you make returns,

but dude ain't got nothing to return. I mean, if he's gonna buy anything, where is he keeping his wallet? I don't wanna know. He's looking for his mate, man. He's looking for a woman. He's looking for Eve. Here's the funny thing.

He goes to the customer service desk, and there's a bag on the counter. They're telling me this is true. He reaches inside the bag. Are they in your ear right now? Are you kidding? Are they piping it into you right now? They're telling me this is actually true.

No, this is from Huffington Post. And he reaches inside the bag at the customer service desk. It just happens to be there. And what does he pull out? A pair of socks. What does he do? Puts them on. Puts the pair of socks on.

It could have just as easily been like a pair of underwear, but it just happened to be a pair of socks. Yeah, to everyone's chagrin. And then he doesn't leave at this point. He's got what he came for. He doesn't pay for it. He just proceeds to peruse the Walmart. Yeah.

In nothing but socks. Yeah. This is a great idea. Yeah, I guess he didn't want his feet to get dirty. You're right. You know. I don't know. When's the last time they buffed the floor? I don't know. I better put my socks on.

Your feet get real dirty real fast. I'll still pay for them when I'm on my way out if I can ever fish my wallet out of wherever it's hiding. Witnesses said they saw VLT walking up and down the aisles completely naked except for wearing socks. I think, yeah, I think you'd see that. I think, unlike when I saw Amber. Yeah, he's not a streaker.

I think I'd stop, I think I'd stop. Yeah, and talk to him? Well, I don't know, you know, I'd say, hey, man. I would, yeah, I would pull an Amber with this guy. Everything okay? We would be two ships passing in the night. I would not seek to spend some quality time with this guy. But he's not a streaker, as I was saying,

because he was just strutting through. He's a stroller. He's a stroller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Streakers are trying to get away. They're fast. Yeah. Police were called, they arrive.

VLT was, quote, hostile towards them. Really? They had to use a stun gun which is not good when you're naked. No no no. You don't want to be stunned when all you're wearing is socks. It's just like if you're belligerent

towards the police the last thing you can ask for humbly is could you please stun me in the socks? I can take it a little bit better there. They had to subdue him because he spit on one of the officers. Oh, yeah. Okay, so you're saying this guy, he wasn't right in the head. He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure,

disorderly conduct, simple assault, aggravated assault, and misuse of socks. Okay. He also had to return the socks. He was not allowed to leave with the socks. Well, that's unfortunate. He's like- He got nothing from this. He's stunned and drug out and they like

peel the socks off of him and like put them back in the bag before they leave. Well, I'm sure that VLT has made nothing but good decisions since this. Left all of his clothes in the car. Yeah. I gotta say, I don't know if I can top that. I've never gotten naked in a Walmart.

But you have left something in the car. I did leave something in the car. And you know, now that I'm thinking about it, I realize, I don't know, this is one of those things where I think my, I don't think my memory's playing tricks on me. I believe that these two stories are connected. I believe that- Amber? Now, no, the battery story.

I think that the reason I left, I did the quick exchange of the battery. Now that I, it makes a lot more sense in my mind now that the full memory is coming back. Hmm, well what happened? Is justified because I was a new father of Locke who was like a couple of months old at the time. And he was in the backseat, in the car seat,

and I go to the Walmart and I get out, I go into the Walmart and I'm going to exchange these batteries. That's exactly what I was doing. I'm going to exchange these batteries, that's exactly what I was doing. I was going to exchange the batteries. And I get to the battery section, I'm looking, I spot the batteries and I grab the batteries that I want. Now I'm gonna go do the exchange.

And that is when it hits me, I do not have my son, who I am responsible for because he is in the vehicle. Ooh, now that is probably the worst realization that any father can come to. No. Well, one of them, but. No, listen, I'm gonna go ahead. Another one is I'm strolling through the Walmart in nothing but socks.

I'm gonna go ahead and tell you right now, no laughing matter here, people obviously do this. They leave their kids in their car and kids end up dying and it's a horrible thing and these people get charged with incredible crimes and it's just a horrible thing. But every single time I hear one of these stories and it's one of these where it was just somebody totally forgot.

I just, you know, my heart goes out for them. Because you know what they did, it wasn't intentional. But thankfully, in my situation, it was literally 90 seconds to two minutes after I had been in the car. Longer. I had been in the Walmart, and it was like a 55 degree day and he was asleep. So it was just long enough to steal some batteries.

Yeah, so just to explain things, and I tell you, if you're a new parent, especially a new dad, because dads are not nearly as attentive, I'm generalizing here, not nearly as attentive as moms most of the time, you're a new dad, you're driving around and you're by yourself and you've got your new baby in the back. Your mind starts wondering, you forget that you're a father.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You forget that you're a dad. You're just single dude driving around because your brain is so weird the way it works sometimes. And you get to the Walmart, I'm in a Walmart, I'm gonna go in there and change my batteries. And then it takes two minutes of being in the Walmart without your kid to realize, Walmart, I'm in a Walmart, I'm gonna go in there and exchange my batteries. And then it takes two minutes of being in the Walmart without your kid to realize, oh, I'm a father

and I'm actually with my kid right now, he's in the car. So you sprinted out there. Well, no. Make sure you got the right batteries. I got the right batteries. I put them in my pocket and I put the other batteries up and I do the exchange right there, one for one. Because you're there,

you might as well get the right batteries. And I run out. So it's even worse. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I steal and then run out. Well, you took a beat to make sure you had the right ones. Yeah, you gotta get the right batteries. And then I run out and he's totally asleep,

which is another reason I forgot about him because he fell asleep. So anyway, Walmart makes me stupid, man. That's the conclusion here. Well, that is an elaborate justification for stealing batteries, I just have to tell you. So it wasn't as bad, it wasn't as stupid as I thought it was.

It was actually stupider in one sense that I left my kid in the car, but it was not as stupid in that it wasn't just a convenience thing. It was, no, I was planning on doing the typical exchange, which later I would learn, and it seems obvious now, that when you wanna exchange something at a Walmart, you go in and you give it to a dude

who puts a sticker on it when you go in. So it's an exchange. Yeah. You can't do what I did and have it in your pocket and go in and shop and then exchange, because then you could just steal stuff. Yeah, that didn't make sense. It was dumb on so many levels.

But you know, I haven't been to a Walmart in three years now. Really? Well, no, I've been to one in North Carolina probably in the past 18 months. But you know, maybe I've moved beyond it now. Maybe I'm smarter. I got two words that'll send you running back in there.

What? Mountain thunder. Imitation Mountain Dew. Isn't that what it was called? I think it's a- Like purple thunder? Dr. Thunder. Dr. Thunder and Mountain-

Mist? I can't remember anymore. I'm sure some of you are yelling it at us right now, but you know that I think that we should just go hang out at Walmart and I don't think I would be a greeter, I think I'd be a sample giver, which they don't really do that that much. It's not like Costco or like Sam's Club.

Right, yeah. But I would gladly, if they had a sample position, I think that would be the coolest position at the Walmart. Because you get to witness all these things that we've talked about today. And you also get to be everybody's sugar dad. Hey, I'm gonna give you a little pocket of something to eat.

It tastes so good when it's this small. You buy the whole box and you're gonna be disappointed. But when you're here and you're hungry and your kids are crazy and you wanna give them something, make them shut up, I'm your best friend. I'm like a sample clause. Sample clause, that's a good idea. Yeah. Sample clause. That's what I could be best friend. I'm like a sample clause. Sample clause, that's a good idea. Yeah. Sample clause.

That's what I could be, man. And you might get to see a naked fat dude with socks on and potentially an ex-girlfriend. And my in-laws, I will say that that's basically what they do. They don't give out samples, but they go to Walmart to see and be seen. You know, in Kenston, it's like, well, we call

and it's like, well, what are you doing Saturday night? Well, we're going to the Walmart and they do call it Walmart. With a K. And we saw Jimmy and we saw- You can't just pass over that. You have to explain that to people because I do not believe-

There's no explanation. They just do it. They know it's Walmart. The sign is pretty big. The T at the end is pretty big, but it comes out Walmart. It just comes out that way. Yeah. And I've asked. And it's just, I don't know.

There's no way. You asked. I asked, yeah. I asked them, you know it's Walmart, right? I know, but I just say it that way. It just comes out that way. Walmart's, Walmart. Sometimes it's got an S. So why not?

Why not? Who cares what it's called as long as you can get there. And as long as you know what I'm referring to. The money's still green and the Dr. Thunder is still dark. The hot dogs are still red. If you wanna hang out with us, just go to your nearest Walmart's

and we'll be hanging out there. We should do like a tour like we did to those rest stops when we came out to LA. The Wal-Mart tour. Yeah. I don't know after this podcast if they'd be willing to do that. We'll be the guys in nothing but socks.

Okay, let us know whether or not you enjoy these ear biscuits. You know, we do them for you to enjoy. I mean, it is refreshing our friendship, but it's also for your entertainment and your just listening pleasure. Hashtag Ear Biscuits, wherever hashtags are accepted, we'd love to hear from you.

And you can count on us to be delivering another podcast to your ears next Friday.