Emergency Intercom - 1 Year Anniversary

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

We did it, 52 weeks straight of hearing Drew and Enya talk about sq*irting sh*t out of their ass and having huge stinky b*lls. Enya recounts a traumatic dream she had last night and drew comes out as a guy who’s obsessed with fireworks. Congrats to whoever has sustained the brain damage that a year of listening to this podcast has caused. Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Oh, that sounded like not a good clap. You know what it is? It's because I'm a man and you're a girl.

Yeah, and I don't have the willpower or the strength. I just have strong man hands. I think I'm going to work on my... I'll probably work on my core strength. I think I'm gonna work on my um I'll probably work on my core strength or no I have to work on my breast strength so that my arms can like clench harder. Oh that's actually what's stopping me from clapping so hard. You just can't touch your hands together because your knockers are so big. Can you touch your elbows together? Do you know how to do that? Wait I actually can't. Wait I literally can't. It's because your boobs your big fucking tits are blocking it. My nice rack.

Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Today, Drew has a big surprise for the people. Which one? I'm getting my foreskin back. I want it back. Please give it back to me. I just said that to see what you would say. You say, which one? There's several things that y'all don't know about.

Were you planning on letting a secret go today? No. I thought you were referencing because it's literally the one year anniversary. One year of rotting y'all's brains. Isn't that crazy? One year of every week for 53 weeks straight sitting down and spewing nothing but hatred and violence. Violence, anger, hatred, violence. Not a lot of love.

Very little peace. It's crucial. There's a lot of love, but in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. Literally, yes. Yes. Between us. Lots of love. But, yeah, thank you guys for watching. This is the most consistent thing i've ever done in my entire life yeah i don't think i've done anything else

for like this long or like with this much pride yeah yeah i take a lot of pride in my fucking work like literally don't fuck with me like this is like serious cut back to the 17 sex jokes we've already made in this episode i know every single episode is just like a plethora of like cock balls cum sweat it used to be such a big insecurity of mine in the very beginning i was just like dude like all we joke about is cock and balls but like now i don't give a fuck it's like hilarious they wouldn't have made those words so catchy if they didn't want people to say it every few seconds. Kai, do you have anything to say for the year anniversary? That's enough.

Hey, Kai, I'm here for you. Thank you. I do have one thing to say. What? I really want to have sex with Drew and eat his butt from the back. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. That was your big moment. You had one big moment. You're deplatforming me? Yeah. Is that what's going on? I'm taking the mic back away from you. You don't need to speak ever again.

I understand. I fucked that up. Yeah, you really did, honestly. You could have shouted something really important out, because Drew is not that fucking important. Drew is literally,, like, shouted, like, something really important out, but, like... That was honestly so weird. Because Drew is not that fucking important. Like, Drew is literally, of all things that are important, like, to shout Drew out. That was so weird.

I already have this banana pre-peeled, so no one can make fun of me. So I just plop it open. Why were you scared people would make fun of you? Because Kai literally made fun of me. I didn't make fun of you. I laughed at you while you ate it. Because you literally look like a little monkey, like, unpeeling it. Oh, no.

Dude, you have to, like, break it into little pieces. Yeah, like a real man. Eat that banana like a real man and break it up. And don't put it in your mouth like that. Yeah, I forgot. I'm, like, literally straight. Yeah, it's just, like, I think, honestly, I think sometimes you just forget. Like, you're a forgetful person what are the tendrils with the banana um but yeah thank you

guys so much for listening to the podcast it genuinely has been life-changing it's something we've always wanted to do and the fact that y'all have like stuck around for so long genuinely means so much yeah literally it's the best thing i think that has happened to me ever it's a career wise don't get so fucking ahead of yourself yeah y'all are not the best thing i've had a lot of sex so why don't you pee in the stv oh my god earlier today we stopped at a cbs and drew got back in the car he was like i literally i was supposed to be in that stv and i did it and i knew i was saying it wrong like in my head i was like hold on hold on hold on hold on no it was coming out of my mouth and as i was saying it i was like

this is the cum was i was spitting the cum out of my mouth. No, I it was coming out of my mouth. And as I was saying it, I was like, bro, this shit is coming out like so long. I can't stop coming. Like I literally it's spraying everywhere. No, I when I was saying it, I was like, oh, like this is coming out wrong. But you know what? They're cool people. Like they're nice people.

They're respectful people. They're not going to immediately laugh in my fucking face and correct me and call me fucking stupid. No one said stupid. Boy, was I wrong. Boy, was I wrong. I immediately got flamed. Dude, and also what added to it is that I was like, you said that so wrong. And he was like, no, I got the C and the S in there.

No, I was saying the S and the C are kind of alike. And then you misheard me. So you're the stupid one. No, but the T is the one that's, like, shouldn't be there. No. Oh, my God. I can't. I literally can't with you guys.

Like, I literally just try to exist, you know? I just try to live and love my life. But you literally. And y'all take advantage of my kindness and my friendship and just shove my face in the dirt and rub it around. And, like, it hurts. You literally said two episodes ago you wanted friends who talk shit to your face, not behind your back. I did not say that.

You literally did. I think you actually did say that. The fact that you were so sure that you didn't say that, I bet it's in your fucking notes app too. No, I guarantee I did not say that. Are you tripping right now? And then I was like, no, I'd rather have friends that just talk shit behind my back because I'll never know.

If I have to choose, I'm sure I would rather someone talk shit to my face. But I don't need people talking shit behind my back. But I don't need either of it, you know? Damn, y'all are literally fucking sick and twisted. It is the Kai and Inya against Drew podcast. That's all this has been from the very beginning. Are you quitting? I'm done.

Can you take another bite of the banana? I'm literally done with you guys. He needs a little more. I bullied him into picking pieces off of the banana. Don't throw this at you. You know what? Throw it at him. Actually, honestly.

Get a piece and throw it at him. I deserve it. Should we throw banana peels at Kai like it's a fucking 1913 cartoon? Slipping. Let's see those notes, girl. Should we throw banana peels at Kai like it's a fucking 1913 cartoon? Slipping. Let's see those notes, girl. What do you have for us today? Go piss, girl.

Go piss, girl. Go urinate, girl. That is like one of the like internet things that will forever be hungry. Oh, my God. Wait. I just remembered. I wish I knew the exact quote. But there was this TikTok that I was like talking about somebody who was like commentating on like language changing like drastically because of like the freedom writers had to

create their own like novels and books and like just that open like platform at the time of like people being able to write books and publish them. They were like, it changed like language forever and then someone was like our like new version of that is literally char like charlie pooth one day saying like i'm hungies and now that is genuinely in my vocabulary yeah i say i'm hungies yeah i say that all the time and like go piss girl like that is genuinely like slay and serve her unironically in my vocabulary. Like, oh, that's a slay, yeah. It's literally forever.

Don't forget about belligerent. Oh, yeah. It's pretty big. I don't say that anymore. My parents went through my high school journals. You got shamed out of saying belligerent. You said your parents what? Went through my high school journals.

And how did that make you feel? Come here. It scared me. Yeah. Because I am. They probably read that. And the reason they became so nice to me is because I'm like a danger to society. And they're afraid of me.

Like the things I said in those journals was scary as fuck. Like, I mean, I'm sure like anybody's journals talks about, like, 36 people and burying their bodies in Central Park. Oh, God. No, that's not normal. I was just kidding. That's not in mine either. That was a really random thing to just, like, come up with. I was just joking.

That's really weird. I know people don't. I know people also don't kill people like me. I mean. What? What? Yo, people don't kill people like you and get away with it. Yeah, T. T. No no but they went to my journal literally me when i'm a serial killer you guys call okay tea

tea wait y'all got me i'm like actually it's giving tea wait it's giving tea drew what's your what's your body count like murder, murder body count? I said 36. Yeah, are you fucking listening? Like, oh, my God. I was busy monitoring the audio. And you expect him to let you hit. Hey, I listen, so can I hit? I'll let you tap this.

That's the craziest thing is how many people actually want to vote me. Okay, I will, like, usually I would, like, be annoyed with Drew, like, being, like, so prideful and that. Oh my god. me and know more about me because I have this character online and like but I break it on the pot it's just it's crazy it might just be people like think you're like hot like also that also that but like there's a big part of my personality there that like people want it's the part of your personality that talks about um cock and balls yeah like unironically that's what people want to have yeah it's because you advertise yourself as like a slut so we were like damn it's it's like that it's easy like that and being so constipated you're like on all fours in the bathroom yeah trying to get it out disgusting

so i can't even say it and now your turn talk no i'm done um me and drew did something really exciting recently um it was like the most exciting thing I've done in a long time. And that is go to the grocery store and be a nuisance like 40 minutes before it closes. Like, it's literally so fucking slay. Like going to that goddamn grocery store. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Shit.

Fuck. Oh, my God. Are y'all fucking serious? Oh, my fucking God. Oh, my God. Um. Oh, my God. Literally, what the fuck is y'all fucking serious? Oh my fucking God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Literally, what the fuck is y'all's problem?

Fuck. Oh my God. We need. I don't. Fuck. And you're going to sit there. And you're going to sit there. I wasn't expecting that to happen.

Are you going to fix this? I have to record the audio. And I have to take care of other responsibilities. Someone needs to fix this. Whatever. Well, I mean, we like have to turn the audio and I have to take care of like other responsibilities. Someone needs to fix this. Whatever. Well, I mean, we like have to turn this episode in. We like have to turn it in. It's already late.

Let's just keep going. What were you talking about? Oh, grocery stores. Grocery stores. Yeah, like I guess we can just go back. This is fucking weird though. I know. Whatever.

This like y'all weren't ever supposed to see this. Good thing we make so much fucking money. We'll just build a new fucking one. We'll build a new set. Yeah, so basically, like, the idea is, like, we build the set and just, like, we go everywhere. Yeah, like, we're actually, we're, like, a traveling podcast. We're in the Bahamas right now, which is, like, crazy. Me and we're, like, very obviously in Malibu.

The Bahamas right now which is like crazy like very obviously in the Bahamas yeah we're in the Bahamas right now for Charlie D'Amelio's birthday party like she invited all of us we were on the jet we went to the grocery store the other day and I literally forgot like I wish I was joking where it was genuinely one of the best nights I've had in a long time I loved the 4th of July like that was literally awesome oh you're talking about the 4th of July. Like, that was literally awesome. You're talking about the 4th, right? No, I mean, we did have a grocery store run there, too. Well, no, like, the grocery store then?

Or when were groceries there? I mean, both of our grocery store encounters have been pretty fun. Like, literally. Which is the other one? When we went to H Mart at, like, fucking, like, 8 p.m. And I fucking spent a band. Like, literally, like, crying in H Mart? No, like, spending a rack in H Mart. No, like, spending a rack in H Mart.

Like, that's what I'm going to do. Dude, you bought, like, I'm not kidding. I think it was, like, six packs of drinks. Yeah, well, okay. So if you know about Prokari Sweat, like, you know about Prokari Sweat. And the import fees of getting it in America is literally impossible. Like, it's so expensive to buy it and i found it in hmart and i bought just a shit ton i bought literally their entire inventory i could

see because he kept being like no this might not be here when i came i come back and i was like we're literally talking about a grocery store but i guess like you know with the way things are going like there's no tampons so like picari, Prokary Sweat might be next. Exactly, yeah. And, like, well, like, I think, honestly, like, tampons aren't a necessity for, like, society. But Prokary Sweat definitely is. Like, it's giving, like, man up. Like, you know? Like, if you're on your period, like, man up.

You think, like, a juice is more important than, like, tampons. And, yeah, I super disagree with what he said. Thank you. Oh my God. Like, of course, the man. I know. Actually, you know what? No, thank you, because it feels like you're just kissing my ass because you want to have

sex or something. Wait, what? The man, literally, of course. Like, I know. You're such a freak. You're such a freak. No, I'm standing up for women. Oh, God.

You just had to say something. Embarrassing. Should I come out this episode? Oh, this will be the one? Yeah. Actually, I'm just kidding. I'm literally just joking, guys. Yeah, he's straight, guys. embarrassing should i come out this episode oh this oh this will be the one yeah actually i'm just kidding i'm literally just joking guys yeah he's straight guys like literally like that was a joke no but it generally was so fun and then i thought about it when me and drew first moved to

la our fun activity was to go to the cds down the street and go and stand in there for like 30 minutes and just be delusional from like being bored it's it's like loitering is fun as fuck and i don't care what anybody ever says like it's so fun and also the amount of like freakazoids that would go into this cvs was like so fucking crazy like it was like cvs was like right next to a highway. So it was like pop. It was so sick. Like you would, it's like, it was better people watching than like going to a Walmart in the Midwest. Like literally the people watching in that CVS was incredible. We were the people to be watched in that age.

Exactly. You would like, we were the freaks. You would see like a mother giving birth in one aisle and you cross over and see someone shooting up heroin in the next. Oh, that's the CVS. Yeah. No, it literally was insane. It was so lit.

But we act like there's not video footage of us, like, crawling around on the floor for YouTube videos. Like, the amount of YouTube videos we had that started in that CBS. I know. We were always in that goddamn CBS. And we were like, oh, we're shooting on location today. Guys, like, get ready. Like.

Yeah. Run and gun style. What is it called? Oh, Drew's call time for the cvs is 7 45 on tuesday so like we gotta make sure it was giving we had call times when we did our youtube videos like especially with josh's videos they're like unironically no yeah you'd literally be like are you guys free tomorrow like dude oh my god that's actually something that will go into depth when we have him on but like the the battle that it was for to get us all together like on time was insane but i won't i

won't dabble too deep the battle yeah the battle for time look at these paid actors seagulls coming in right now yeah come on come on yeah yeah i flew them in with my brain with my neuro link bitch neuro link cern let's talk about it wait okay wait actually you know what i think we might have switched back into the right timeline like because cern this is being filmed on july 5th like as i was driving here i was like wait i don't have any anxiety like i feel good i feel happy like there's not like residual like stress in my body it's literally just i feel good and i would look at the window i'm not kidding you felt like that because today was one of the first two days in your life that you had a meal like like literally like you like woke up and like i was like drew have a meal like

we went and got groceries so he had food literally giving mama two days he's been like dude i've literally just felt like the best i've ever felt and like i don't need to take a nap at like 5 p.m and it's literally because he's been eating and i've been working out but wait let me go on the the cern rant i'll i'll let my betsy my betsy wait it's giving Betsy you're my Betsy come here Betsy come here give me your hands Betsy I'll let my bestie go on her psychotic rant her schizoid rant um okay so we switched back into the right timeline because I was looking out the window and I was seeing the birds fly through Malibu and I was looking out into the water the water's bluer like no one wants to have that conversation but for some reason the water is fading water's bluer. Like, no one wants to have that conversation. But for some reason, the water is bluer. Your LASIK is fading off.

So it's starting to give you, like, psychotic delusions. I did take a heroic dose of mushrooms. What the fuck? You're tripping right now? Yeah, 36 grams. Is that a lot? Actually, that's a little. That is, like, 36 times the amount you're supposed to take.

Another thing is, like, the number 36 is, like, in my brain permanently. Just, like, the amount you're supposed to take. Another thing is like the number 36 is like in my brain permanently, just like the name Erykah Badu. So like it's like giving like, it's giving like I need the right 36 on a lottery ticket or something or go back and watch a 36 episode of Emergency Intercom. You're like actually a crazy person. Like you just like, we switched it to the right time. Like by the way, the two things in my brain permanently is Erykah Badu and 36.

You know the craziest thing? And this is actual blasphemy. And I actually might get in trouble for this. But I can't name an Erykah Badu song. You've heard one I listen to a lot. Don't call me, maybe it will be alright. That's Ariana Grande, sir. Same fucking thing.

Wait, that's a conversation that's not being had. Ariana Grande is our Erykah Badu. Someone today with an Ariana Grande skin killed me and for some reason, like on Fortnite. Oh, I thought in real life. I thought someone with Ariana Grande's skin came in real life and killed you. But they killed me on Fortnite. For some reason, it made me more mad than anything else does because I was like. I want to pull that fucking skin by its ponytail.

I want to pull that fucking ponytail off her head. I want to rip your skin off. Yeah. Okay. Put that down. Okay. I was trying to give you a thumbs up. I was trying to be like.

We can see. Yeah, girl. We can see. Stop. Okay. Back was trying to be like, we can see. Like, yeah, girl. We can see. Stop. Okay, back to Ariana Grande, Areola Grimbley. That's what we need to start calling her. Wait, okay. Billie Eilish has Baldy Irish.

Ariana Grande has Areola Grimbley. Like, that's the conversation that's not being had. I'm trying to think of another one. I feel like there's one more, but I can't think of it. Frankie Grande is just Frankie Grande, and that's enough to be funny. Yeah. That alone is funny. I'm sorry, but if your name is Frankie and you're watching this.

Why did your parent do that to you? Why did they name you that? Well, Frankie for a girl. Frankie is a nickname. Why did they name you a nickname? That's like an endearing, like, hi, Frankie. A girl named Frankie is a nickname. Why did they name you a nickname? That's like an endearing like, hi, Frankie. A girl named Frankie is really cute. I disagree.

I digress. But I digress. Also, we're about to be electrocuted actually by these power lines. Like, they're getting louder and louder. I know, dude. When we were starting the episode. Also, I realized in the beginning of the episode, you have the most reflective fucking sunglasses on. So if anybody was paying attention, they literally just saw that not only were there people around us, but like, you can see the whole thing.

And I was going to cut it. I was going to cut you off and be like, let's undo it. But like, I didn't. You know what? Sometimes the episode is just so good. You can't stop it. You just can't do that. You just can't stop are you gonna go on

your are you gonna finish your tyrant about being in the right timeline or like is that it so we basically we live in a multiverse right sure um which just means that there's multiple versions of our realities like any decision or choice you make branches off into a new reality so there's like it's just forever expanding and forever like like there was a reality where the walls fell towards us and crushed us and killed us type of vibe but thank god we're in the right timeline because that would have been bad um but you're grateful for that every time we turn on the cern accelerator there's like this mask like mass panic of like people being like oh like the

mandela effect the mandela effect like oh i thought mario had red overalls cern what is that it's the particle it's a particle accelerator it's like i can't really get into the physics of it because like i actually don't know what it is and it's a company yes okay yes it's like lgwp like yes it's giving l.a.d. it's the scientists that created 11 from stranger things no they did it with the part no someone actually in a particle accelerator this is actually a really interesting fact um someone got hit by the particles i'm not joking no you know what i just thought of you know what the particle accelerator is to me? It's those little fake laundry machines that people were scaring people to wash their beauty

blenders in. That's the particle accelerator? That's the particle accelerator. Like, when you say that and someone turning it on, I imagine someone filming a really anticlimactic video of dirty water with a sponge in it. It can go around the loop 11 000 times in a second but it touched someone who did it touch um i don't exactly know exactly what happened to him i don't think he died i think it just like phased right through he got hella smart yeah i don't know i don't exactly know

what happened so i don't know why i brought it up but but yeah that's what the people are saying exactly that's what the people are saying but Exactly. That's what the people are saying. But basically, every time there's the CERN reactors turned on, people complain about, like, Mandela effect. And, like, then there's this theory that, like, oh, maybe every time we explode a particle. Girl, what is this sound happening right now? It's, like, literally about to fucking explode and die. Can you hear it? No. But, literally, it's crazy.

Like, do y'all hear that? No, it's not real. No one else hears it. It's just you, it's crazy. Like, do y'all hear that? No, it's not real. No one else hears it. It's just you. You're crazy. Also, I meant if he heard it in the mic. Dude, next time someone complains about something, I'll be like, you hear that? No?

Okay, yeah. You're crazy. I am also so cold. But I thought you were, like, a man or whatever. Oh, wait. The merch. I know. I was going to mention it in the first five minutes, but I was like, I mean, I would hope

you could see this and like get the picture. We have hella merch. Like, we'll just add an ad in the very beginning. There's actually only three shirts, so y'all are going to all have to fight to the death. The only pieces of clothing are the ones we're wearing. Literally, we got hoodies. I was wearing a gray t-shirt in the beginning. We got this t-shirt, which is my favorite.

Then we got a t-shirt version of this and then we got a purple shirt we'll put it up we'll throw it up we'll throw up all over the place and put pictures trust y'all will never hear the end of this merch drop like it will never except it will end so don't be slick. Oh, yeah, yeah, actually. You will hear the end of it. But, so that's it, you're just crazy. That's what we learned. No, I just can't finish it because I keep getting interrupted. By yourself. It's me interrupting myself.

It's one of my alters interrupting me. Wait, in one of the timelines? It's the alter who is the scientist in you stopping you. In one of the timelines, are you straight, Drew? They can see you if you do it this time. They can see you, so what are you going to do? Don't do it! He was in frame.

He actually did it. You defending your straight honor. I think he knocked a tooth out. I'm straight. And slapping me. Don't fucking say that to me again. I'm sorry. And then I got a vogue.

You start a vogue. That hurt my hand so bad. Good. Hitting your cheek, Kai. I wonder. That's when you know you taught him a lesson is when it hurt you too. Dude, I bet that looks so real. I don't think it looks nearly as real as you.

There's no way. I bet it does. Literally, he's standing in front going... Just like that. Just like magic, just like ma mad you don't know that song you have no idea what i'm talking about um well speaking of multiverses should we talk about the scariest dream i've had in a long time oh yes insert the clip right now okay not the clip of me crying yes no it's so cute it literally made me cry okay should we play the audio clips yeah or we'll just overlay them but we should probably play them because i don't

i literally don't remember what i said yeah should i give context first yeah just tap in like okay talk about it so there i am sleeping let me paint a picture there i am sleeping you know our texts are fucking rancid it's just tiktok sit back and forth to each other we don't have conversations anymore um so there i am sleeping in my slumber and i am having the most vivid dream like i've had in a really long time um and it was just like i'm kind of forgetting it and i wish i wrote it all down but like i it's not something i need to remember because it was so gnarly but basically for some reason it was set up in my old home in like my first childhood home and like it was like i came home and yeah i came all over the place and i fell in it and i hit my

head and then i had to go to the hospital it was a big mess um it was a big slippery wet mess but oh is that you cleaning for me honestly that's the best part about living with you is i could squirt anywhere and drew immediately comes up and just sucks it out of the fabric basically teleport there it's crazy it's actually really scary we have to play that next is like our um us at orion's ring camera oh bitch i forgot about that yes um so whatever in the dream i like come home and it's like my first home that i've ever lived in and it's but it's in la it's like oh it's like one of those things where it's like you're in the grocery store but the present is there and like you're at the inauguration like it's just like one of those setups so like I got home and I opened the door and Josh is like freaking out

and he's like packing his bag and I was like what are you doing and then he was like he's just like shaking his head and like he like couldn't get the words out And I go into your room and you're not. Dude, I'm actually going to cry talking about it. It literally was like so gnarly. Cry about me. It did. It was such a bad dream. So like I go in the room and like you're not there.

And I'm like, where's Drew? And he's like, oh, Drew like died today. And also what's like so weird is like it wasn't like it was like a super funny way you died. It was literally like you died like masturbating you like were constipated oh my god like that's literally how i would die though is like but because i don't shit literally you're crying it was like it was gnarly and like like i was in such shock over it because i just seen you that morning and josh was just like packing he's like i need to move i can't live here and then like i was like i guess i need to

move out too because i don't want to live oh because also like it was literally the scene where you died and there was like blood because you were like vomiting like blood oh my god it was like a really gruesome scene and i was like oh my god so i like went and like started packing and then i was like dude i feel nauseous like I was in shock and I hadn't cried yet. And then I went in the bathroom and closed the door. And I like, I have never felt like emotional pain in a dream the way I did in that dream. Like in that dream, I was literally like, like screaming, like from the top of my lungs, like so bad that like, I like couldn't let out a scream anymore.

And I was just like sobbing. And like, it was like, I was in like so much like real distress. I won't die. I won't die. But you know, my theory is that that's a different reality that I actually did die in. I literally think that like when you wake up in a dream, that's a different reality. No, like I did wake up. But anyways, so I had this like really gnarly, vivid dream.

And you know what freaked me out more? I was in so much pain in the bathroom crying and like that I woke myself up. Like I was in so much like physical and emotional distress that that's what woke me up. Like it wasn't like a jump scare or anything. And like it wasn't even like a good time to wake up. It was like 7 a.m. And I just like woke up. And then I was like so

taken aback by how almost when i was that i woke up and i sobbed for like 30 minutes like i like boohoo cried and then there's a video of it because and i i saw that and i was like girl what the fuck happened because you didn't say i just saw that i hadn't listened to it and i was like who died like literally what is going on why is and you're crying and i was like wait it was me that died and then i get these voice memos my heart is still freaking out. I won't spare you because it's literally just in your sobbing. It's just me sobbing.

And what's crazy is I couldn't stop. I rolled over to go back to sleep and I just started crying more and i was like in so much distress and so anxious to the point where i almost got out of bed and wet and like laid in bed with you and like to see if you were awake oh my god i was like i don't want to bother him and wake him up for this you literally should have because it literally made me feel so loved because you know what i was doing while you were dreaming about this i was literally spitting on myself i woke up to myself spitting like i like like spitting and it would like land on my cheek so you were dreaming about me dying and literally scream crying and i was spitting on myself you know

it's the funniest shit ever is i told this to christian and he was like, dude, you know what I was doing? Because Christian had a dream that he wrote the most amazing song ever. And he woke up and hummed it to him. He literally thought he was creating the new yesterday. He literally thought he was a fucking beetle. Like, he got up and sang a song into his phone he said when he woke up later he listened to it it was like dude that is so bad and it was literally i'm going like trying to remember and then he explained the drink to me he said dude it was literally like i described it to him like this and he was like that's exactly what it was i was like

it's like in bohemian rhapsody when they remade the AIDS benefit concert. Thank you. Should we fuck? No. There's people around. Truth. That makes it better. Is that her?

Oh, my God. That is literally, the fucking bird is not real. That's a fucking hawk. Oh, see, it heard. Yeah, I i know he just floated there for five minutes y'all probably didn't see that but there was a bird floating there for five minutes um explain that he i was like oh is it like literally in i don't know if y'all have seen bohemian rhapsody i haven't but the lady on the plane next to me watched it and there was like the longest scene ever of the the aids benefit concert that queen did and it literally was a 30 minute scene of just the concert like it was just them

remaking a concert and i was like is that what it was it was like that high w he was like no literally in my dream i had a live choir like in a studio and i was at the board and i was like tapping in and being like try something. Think about how would you feel if you saw your family for the first time in a long time? Yeah. Like, like that's like what it was for him. And meanwhile, I was like waking up crying.

But you know what the craziest fucking part was is I don't think I told you this Cuz I was saving it When I went back to sleep in the dream I was being accused of fucking killing you and it was literally like Like it was literally like I came home and then like there were police I ran they were like Oh, what a coincidence that like you weren't here when it happened and like you come here and you have no idea and all this shit And they were really trying to pin it on me because we were together earlier. And then, no, you know what fucked it up?

Is like they went through my text and looked up your name. And like it was like we had gotten into a fight. And I had sent a text where I was like, Drew's been like so like hard to deal with. And I was like venting in my text. So then they found it. And then they were like, what a coincidence. You sent this text two days ago or like last night. And now he's dead

um and and they were like oh like you poisoned him like and it was freaking me out and in the dream i just had more anxiety because i was like oh my god it is the ones you love the most that kill you i literally had zanxiety like we need to bring back zanarchy i'm a part of the zanarchy zanarchy army um but yeah that was like my dream and it was really gnarly like it's crazy because i like to talk about it yesterday and i almost i almost cried but i don't know like obviously it's like my love for you but like it's because i've been so anxious and i actually think like me or a loved one is gonna die soon like every time i like see someone me no it'll probably be me it will be me no it's gonna be me we're still competitive over who's gonna die first

well that's the thing though i am competitive with my family that like i literally told my parents i was like i'm sorry but i have to die before you because i cannot bury you too like i literally cannot fucking do it like i will die first and i'm sorry you're gonna have to bury your son but i'll be dead so i won't care but i I will not bury you, too. No, I feel that. And that's how I feel about you, is I have to die before you. No, that's literally, I think I also had that dream because I had said to a friend, like, two days ago, I was like, dude, the worst part about, like, losing, like, a friend is, like, that you have, like, a really close friend is that you have to, like, live, like, the rest of your life without them.

Like, it literally is just, like, someone gets plopped out of your life and then you have to just continue and then like 20 years later you feel fine one day and then you just start thinking about them and like you probably just think about them every day yeah and then you get like phantom like like phantom like oh i'm gonna like yeah i'm gonna text them oh i'm gonna send this to them i have that with my brother a lot where i'm like i'm gonna like send him a TikTok or something. I don't even think he ever got the experience TikTok was kind of crazy. Like not that not the peak of it. Yeah.

You snooze, you lose. I was literally going to be like, oh, that literally sucks for him. Dude, that sucks so bad. No, he probably he won the lottery by not having to experience the doom scrolling on tiktok literally the worst thing humans have ever done it's creating doom scrolling um but yeah that was my dream and now when i talk about it is lovely that i am loved it does make me feel good and when i listened to those i started crying the morning after you made me cry good that was intense let's talk about uh july 4th 4th of july it was fucking awesome yeah it was sick it was awesome because we didn't do shit i don't care like the 4th of july is my favorite holiday

it's literally just fireworks are so fun i know know, like obviously I know like they're bad. Like we should use drones. But I'm like, aren't drones bad too? Like that's like so much waste. It's like a bunch of plastic and shit like robots and shit making it. No, fireworks are fun as fuck. It's the best things humans have ever created. Simply like I honestly, if y'all wanted me to,

I could go on an hour longlong rant about fireworks because I literally studied it all of the chems that went into it like everything but I won't subject you to that because like in high school I was just like hyper obsessed or middle school I was hyper obsessed with fireworks like to the point where I started building my own and like rolling my own they're called stars joints no yeah rolling my own joints and like you would get like a rock tumbler and put all the kims in there and then they would start rolling into what's called stars and they're the little balls that you see like like you know it's a bunch of separate ones those are called stars and you can make them like different colors based on like

different chemicals and shit um but i made my own and then we made our own firework and blew it up in my front yard and it was fucking lit and it actually worked and I very easily could have gone down a career path of making fireworks or making YouTube videos of fireworks you say that about literally like anything you've ever done as a hobby I very easily could have made that my whole life

you do look like a guy that makes fireworks you should just do firework videos I know that is one thing that has been consistent about you from the moment I met you is literally your love for fireworks. You're not very consistent in anything but like your love for blowing

shit up has stayed the same. That's so stupid. I do get it though. Like fireworks are genuinely so fun and like yes I understand like if you have a dog like it sucks whatever like put earplugs in it. Yeah. My dog is crying.

Give that bitch some AirPod Max Pros. Literally. Man up. Women need to man up. Oh my God. You don't have to say that. Where does that come from? Girls cry.

Remember when Frank Ocean accidentally polluted the internet by saying boys don't cry? So literally every man would take a photo of himself crying and then make the caption boys don't cry. Men can cry too. No, you shouldn't. Men should not cry. Who said boys don't cry? I'm sorry. Have you ever cried?

Have I ever cried? Yeah. Yeah, you seem like. Yikes. You look exactly like the type that would cry. I know. I was about to say, you seem like the kind of person who would just cry. I've never cried once in my life.

You just admitted to crying, like, this morning or something? He didn't. Oh, my God. See? And you tapping back into not listening. Taking tabs. You said you cried yesterday morning. No, he said he came yesterday morning.

Exactly. I said I woke up spitting on myself. Not crying. You're putting words into his mouth. You said he woke up drooling and coughing up lookies on himself. Oh, I've been so congested. The mental image of you, like, sobbing in your dream and you're just, like, spitting all over yourself. Why are you doing that?

Are you, like like choking in your dream no it's happened a few times very like geriatric behavior it's happened a few times where i've like woke up spitting on myself did you know how like an ongoing joke and like uh is that um tricksy tricksy laughs like a like a bird i am tricksy you're the tricksy like literally like my laugh is like wait, very, like, happening. Wait, you literally are Trixie. You are Trixie and I'm fucking caught here. Yeah.

All you need is one crazy bitch and one overly confident bitch and then you have Trixie. You have the best podcast dynamic ever. You make a million dollars. Let me on your podcast. This is an open call. Let me on. Let me on. Let me in.

We should start a new podcast. Yeah, fuck this one. Like, over it i'm over this shit it's like it's such a whack i've always wanted to actually like start a new one like keep this one no shut the fuck up let me fucking finish i've always wanted like the second episode you were like i really want a different one no like i mean like i have to hustle right now have to this really new and cool easy side hustle that i've picked up it's like nevermind whatever selling commercials to trident you know someone made that youtube or that ticked on no uh You know exactly what I'm talking about. Why are you so accusatory? I don't know.

Who is he? I love fireworks, bro. I'm just thinking about them. No, it literally was fun. That's the most fun I've had, and it was just watching fireworks. Dude, the thing I like about fireworks is I like that it's almost deafening sometimes because it's literally so funny. You can feel it inside of you. Yeah.

It does hit your prostate every once in a while. It does. It actually does. I can feel it inside of you. Like. Yeah. It does hit your prostate every once in a while. It does. It actually unironically it hits the male G spot. It is July. Keep that in mind. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm saying it in a threatening way and I mean it.

I'm gonna start using. Your month was last month. I'm gonna start saying it's July in a threatening way. Why don't the vets get a month? Why don't the straight people get a month? Why doesn't your mom's vagina hole get a month? Why don't you let me eat your mama's vagina pussy out? Drew Phillips eating your mama's vagina hole.

Oh my god, have y'all seen this new video? Drew Phillips eating your yo mama vagina hole. Sometimes when you guys say shit like that, I imagine, like, potential ad people. The thing is, they see that and they're like, no, they don't see it. That's the funny part. Y'all need to be more careful about who you give ads to

because you gotta listen to a whole episode because you might change your mind. Thank you for sponsoring this episode, BetterHelp. Vagina pussy fart. Yo mama stinky vagina hole pussy fart squirting. Yo mom. It's like literally not funny at all. Your mom's tiny sissy hole.

Stop, stop. It's literally not funny at all. Can I see your mom's tiny stop it's literally not funny can i see your mom's pee hole wait i'm literally gonna spread your pee hole drew don't don't no seriously actually can you not do that like fuck i'm gonna spread my pee hole so that i feel like instantly like right now peeing is like a like a 10 to 15 second. But if you just spread that hole a little bit, it'll just all fall out. Yeah. Drew's been doing that. You know what I do?

It'd be like turning a bucket upside down. You know what I do? No, you know what I do? It comes out as, like, a disc. You know what I do? Okay, if you grab a water bottle and you spin it, make a vortex, and pour it out, it pours, like, crazy. Yeah. I spin around, like, really fast. and it just comes out wait but then like do

you have time to like grab your wiener no it just goes everywhere i do it in the shower the bathroom does have a funny smell sometimes oh ours bath mat fucking stinks like shit it's because it like molds we like step on it wet i like dry off before i dry off in the shower like i'm supposed to be able to dry off on the shower mat but now i dry off in the shower like i'm supposed to be able to dry off on the shower mat but now i dry off in the fucking shower okay no i don't believe that you should be able to dry off on the shower mat i think the way you're every human is supposed to do it is you wipe one foot and you like kind of get up to your thigh you step down one up to your thigh and then you rinse the rest of your body you are a fucking animal if you step out of the shower oh be real be real we gotta be real on the fucking podcast wow hold on tap in i can't believe it this is

the latest one uh but no i fully fucking agree with you um that like you should like a hundred percent dry off in the shower before you fucking step on the shower this be real that be real with yourself and go get some bitches oh my god that's what i think come on come on come on come on come come come come this app is fucking bullshit it's such fucking ass like be real creators if you can hear me your app blows fucking chunks like fix it yeah i don't use that shit because i like when i'm with my like people and i'm like enjoying myself i just don't have i don't even have time to like take a photo like i'm just like too busy immersed in conversation and like loving my life okay you're also lame as fuck like let's have that conversation like christian was like he was like oh my phone's

like off because it was like low battery like i've just had it turned off and we were like do you want to charge it he's like no actually like i just like actually looking at you guys and talking to you guys. It looks gorgeous. I don't know if... Ew. The way you just looked at that selfie. Don't even fucking talk about it. No, you're taking it again. That is not real. You got two minutes to do it.

You have two minutes to persect yourself? Oh, what? I did not get to say that. To perse to perfect what the fuck sorry prosecco i was thinking about prosecco because i'm gonna get fucked up tonight girl what were you talking about what what are you talking about what were we talking about dude sometimes when we do this like what once we're getting close to the hour like i become absolutely delusional like i don't feel like a real human anymore we could talk about this should I talk about that or no that's like too much no it's so funny okay so um when I was back in Texas I uh had to edit a YouTube video um film and edit a YouTube video but I just don't

have a MacBook and i only edit in final cut pro and you can only get it blah blah blah you can only get it on macbook whatever and i didn't want to bother my sister and steven to use theirs because i was just like being annoying that is literally so fucking cute like stop um but i needed to edit. I was like, actually, doesn't Apple have like a 14 day return period? So I went there and I was like, they told me like, oh yeah, like you can return it.

Like no questions asked. Like just like if you need it for 14 days, you can use it for 14 days and return it. So I was like, oh, I'm going to do that. And I bought the computer, used it for three days and then on my way back to the airport flying back to la i returned it um and i had already like logged into it and had all of my like iCloud and shit on it and um i i asked about like uh oh i bought apple care because i was like god forbid these three days that i have this fucking laptop

apple care i like break it and like shattering yeah like that would fucking suck so i was just like i was like i'm gonna take the l on the apple care and like pay the 130 edit this youtube video not the end of the world like it gets done work gets done whatever um so but i was like i'm still gonna ask so i asked if i could get a refund on it and he was like oh let's see if it, even showed up in your subscriptions on your iPhone. And I opened my iPhone, and, like, in the ass, it was, like, literally at the very top was Grindr, and I literally wanted to fucking kill myself. I was like, this is actually the worst thing that's ever fucking happened to me. And I only have it downloaded, like, as a joke.

Yeah, no, for sure. It's like a joke. It's, like, funny. It's, like, funny, yeah. Yeah. Hey, we accept you as you are. They need to make a straight grinder. There's like so many.

What? There's like so many of those. They're just called like dating apps and stuff. Straight people don't need everything. Okay. Like if you really want like to get bitches, like why don't you go do it in real life instead of on your iPhone? Exactly.

Exactly. That's like I've been saying that the entire time i mean you pay for like you also pay for it oh no i don't pay for it oh i don't that was all a lie oh i lie about literally actually you know what it is is i got gifted it um by ian um because he works at grinder how come I'm not on there? Because you're you're not a girl bitch Wait Doritos are actually so fucking good i wish i had wet hands you know what makes eating doritos with pruney fingers so good is because since your fingers are pruned up all the cheese gets stuck in those little fucking crevices you're doing his damn job yeah and you're scooping up extra like dirt we haven't even fucking talked about eating with dirty hands kind of tastes good because it's salty exactly there you're not a weirdo for that

yeah um we've been working out we've gone to the gym twice yes we work out we have gym memberships like we are people that work out like we don't have to talk about this do not talk to me at the gym that okay that i i don't care if anybody talks to me in public actually but that is so fucking embarrassing because i genuinely think working out is so embarrassing it's the most humiliating thing in the world and it's even more humiliating when you're like disgusting red sweaty like the most vile state you've ever been in and then one of you motherfuckers who watch this podcast come up to us and are like hey we watch the podcast i was like oh my fucking god like i don't want to know you can't see me in this state like you can't see me sweaty and red like i i can't do it like i'm

disgusting and because i sweat and i stink like shit i stink i sweat no i smell really good my fear honestly maybe come up to me but like oh don't even do that to yourself because I'm, like, at peak pheromones. And then you might, like, find yourself in, like, shambles because you can't have sex with me. It's really hard. So that. Oh, fuck. That was God's sign. Damn.

Fuck. Damn, that light was doing a lot. I know. It was like. That shit was working like crazy. But, yeah, please don't come up to me at the gym. come up to me anywhere else like i don't care like i would never tell anybody to not come up to me but like there's something so embarrassing about working out like as a person you shouldn't be working out because that's just embarrassing like running on a treadmill is

literally so dystopian and embarrassing and the fact that like someone has seen me do that oh my god that's literally so embarrassing i know i fully agree you know what's even more embarrassing is doing like push-ups in your bedroom or core exercises like no i've said it in your bedroom i've seen someone i was having sex with like working out on a yoga mat in their living room and at that moment i was like yeah i'm gonna have to tap out yeah never I'm going to have to tap out. Yeah, never mind. I'm going to have to tap out. This is gross. Like, grow up. Oh, that's so embarrassing.

Oh, my God. No, I agree. God bless you, though. I fully agree. God bless you. Okay, let's tap into the media. Media of the week. I've been on a big Aventura kick.

Aventura. Aventura. So, okay. Someone tell me this. Wait wait riddle me this this song is not supposed to sound like that oh actually wait i just figured it out wait all right we got copyright strike there goes the episode okay i figured it out fuck y'all i don't fucking need you exactly okay so here's the thing i think aventura i don't know who did it first but like they have a song whatever whatever it doesn't even make sense fuck you fuck you stop talking

to me anyway i've been on a big aventura kick um so my media of the week is la boda and then hermanita those two songs have been like doing it for me night vision by daft punk my october symphony pet shop boys chrysalis by pram and hey girl by lady gaga and then both of the new steve lacy singles have been really doing it for me. I've been listening to Zuzu, I think. XIU, XIU. Really weird music, but I love. My Discover Weekly was crazy. And I'm trying to find the song off of it that I really liked.

Oh, here it is. Pressure Point. Oh, no, that's the playlist name. Folding by Lee Gamble was like really really really good and i have also been listening to still like so much rap um and i don't know like i've already i've talked about it 3000 times it's the same songs over and over again like homesick basic talon by k strindo I really like that style of rap I think it's coming up and like you'll need to tap them by ugk is probably one of the best songs ever oh you know what I watched the bear oh I watched it in two days um and it was actually like really good like uh the first episode there were some

things that happened that i was like like this is like crossing my suspension of what is it suspension of disbelief like like this shit would not happen in reality but then i leaned into it and i was like relax like no one's saying this is the best show ever made like don't treat it like that and i just had fun watching it and like I plowed through that shit and like um I forget his name but the dude from Shameless is like such a good actor it's like disgusting like he's like he is talented like it's it's crazy he's really fucking good everybody else bodied their roles like they were cat like everyone was cast so well and like the the uh the mom in the kitchen like I won't spoil anything but she was my favorite character um and she had really good character arc but yeah

the show is really great like it's it's really hard for me to like like get behind high stakes cooking because I'm like girl like high stakes cooking like that's like what like it's really never that deep like pig was that way like it's really not that deep but i loved pig and i loved the bear wait pig with nicholas cage i love that movie that was about cooking yeah it was like about it was literally about like truffle hunting like a pig that like hunted for truffles oh come on truffles are good but truffle oil is fucking the worst thing to happen to mankind like you need to stop on this like you need to stop putting truffle oil in dishes like you're sick for it it's really wrong and like not everything needs fucking

truffle they're like yeah let me put this truffle on an acai bowl right now like no don't fucking put that on there like get it away fresh truffles are good though um i'll and tonight we're gonna make truffle butter yeah truffle Truffle butter on your pussy. Exactly. Pussy. You're such a fucking pussy. Merch is going live tomorrow. So Saturday, July 9th, 12 p.m. PST.

Go buy it. Be there or be square. It's going to be limited. Buy it early, whatever you got to do. Use code YAMAMASTINKYVA do mama stinky vagina hole for free shipping girl cut that i was kidding don't do that um but yeah merch live tomorrow uh tap in dude i'm imagining someone hearing that be like oh fuck okay and like pausing immediately and going and typing that in and trying like eight different variations of how all that can be spelled. All capital, no capital

every other letter is uncapital um yeah thank you guys so much for all the support. Yeah it genuinely has been so awesome um I was planning on going on like a really like sappy spiel but I'll save it for next episode maybe. Yeah

maybe you'll see me cry. I don't cry. Bye. Bye.