Emergency Intercom - Best of Emergency Intercom 1

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

If you’re looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to athleticgreens.com/EMERGENCY This show is sponsored by Better Help. Visit BetterHelp.com/INTERCOM today to get 10% off your first month. Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. I will be your gay best friend until the end, but really what I'm after is that pussy. That's really all I've been here for. I was like, oh, my ears feel like the most like clear and

free they've ever felt and now they're ringing yeah now they're like ringing and like buzzing i speak at a very low monotone level really that's what i'm saying um the american sign language people's on stage like faking sign language. Kai? What the fuck was that? Did a bird just hit the window? I don't know, but the drawer thing opened. It rattled.

Like this thing rattled. Stop, you're literally scaring me right now because this is a paranormal experience. Open it. I don't want to open it. There's something in there. What if it's just an animal? Wait, are you serious right now? No, I heard it.

I heard it too, but I thought it was you hitting your mic. No. Like, this rattled. Open it! Oh my god, I'm stuck. No, because there's a fucking critter in it. I have wood to knock on. Okay.

I have wood too. Because I do have a bulging penis under my blanket right now. That's what my wood was. Oh Drew. Someone would say- Sorry, I just watched the way you rubbed your eye. I don't know what that means. Oh my god, no!

Yeah, what's up? I heard two years. I'm like, damn, you really do do that?? Like you're really into that right? Came to the conclusion that scat lovers Like people who love being pooped on and shit on. Oh, I thought you meant scat like the music. No, I was like I love our braver in the Sorry from the jump they like still need that kind of slow-mo stimulation um it's gone you need to stop doing that

hide your kids hide your wife hi what we just went that was probably the longest media talk ever yeah

no I'm not that's Drew's culture I'm not that's Drew's culture I'm not gonna cut that out were you eating a burrito or something what was that yeah I was just YouTube they were

he was eating a burrito do not demonetize us I'm lacking a certain meat in my diet. My penis. Yeah, I just pointed at Drew's dick for those I couldn't see. Like, A, B, C, D, I just started crying. It was called the golden piss shower. Oh, yeah.

It's like the beer shower at LJT Larry Joe Taylor Festival, but with piss. And you just unzip your pants and pee everywhere. I guess Kai, because he somehow thinks it's going to be his fault. And he gets like scared. Wait, but the way red means recording. Like whatever. Well, I saw your dad on grinder are you fucking kidding me yeah so he is using it to me you didn't like interact with him no we matched and oh my god i hit like crazy you know if you poke if um you're a guy and you poke your belly button, you can feel it in your penis tip.

Try it, Kai. What? What did you say? Poke your belly button. Really hard. Oh, I think I'm... Oh, what the fuck? I know. Whoa. You try it. See if you feel it anywhere.

Okay, we're literally sexually satisfying ourselves. We have to stop. Hey. I think you have to stop. Stop know. Hey. I think you have to stop. Stop with the joke. Because you're not. It's not a joke. You're not 17.

It's not a joke. Okay. I just... I mean, I've known you for 10 years, and you weren't 7 when I met you. I was 6. You're right. I haven't baked in 45 seconds. No, you're not.

That is... Your will never end. It will never end, and that's okay like you'll just be the old man with a fruity tube in your mouth I freak a fruity tube now you need to fucking chill right now right now like a fruit flavored like

puffing sucking tube you gotta suck it and it's fruity oh oh wow this is crazy no this is You gotta suck it, and it's fruity. Oh. Oh. Wow. She got your ass. This is crazy.

No, this is crazy. I wasn't prepared for this. I don't know. I'm really scared, actually, right now. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say Orion as my... Like who you... Oh.

Hello. Ew, that scared me. That caught me horny, honestly. Kai, you have Sigma eyebrows. This is... Guys, this is why we have to kill toxic masculinity. Exactly. Exactly.

I felt like Harry Styles running through those feels. Okay, take it back. Run it back. Cut that. Don't ever say that about yourself ever again. I literally... Sometimes I just feel like i look like harry styles we can only hope for so much you know we can only hope you kill yourself tonight yep hello i heard about something like, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but like, cummies stuck inside.

Begging, begging you. What I was going to say is, why would my feet get so warm in the shower? I get horny. Oh. Oh my God. horny oh oh my god i'm like a walking hypothetical i'm a walking paradox i'm a fucking walking paradox um threesomes with a triceratops damn that's just a crazy like what in my dream we're at this party and it's was it that i wasn't in your life anymore oh babe that would have been a dream come true yeah so i have scabies and i'm in heroin withdrawal little boxes on the hilltop little boxes made of ticket remember what you're fighting

for little boxes on the hilltop and traffic and suburbia and a 95 remember that's what you're fighting for what are you saying it makes perfect sense to me like i, I don't know. They're manly. Yeah, they're like manly like mouth farts. They're not like cute girl farts. What? Just like when women fart on my face. Like, it's like cute. Oh. It sounds different?

Does it feel different than men's? Because I assume you let men fart on your face. It tastes different. What does it taste like? Doo-doo caca. Well, you've ever had a deviled egg? There's a lot of skincare scams that like everybody is falling for like drinking water you don't have to drink water

i've only drank pepsi for like the last like 14 years of my life no drew you have to drink like that's not like a scam like that that's been around for like hello i'm still here i literally have not had a cup of water in 14 years. True, that's really... What color is your pee? It's like red. I think I subconsciously threw together those last bits just in case I was going to go in. Yeah. Y'all are so annoying. I can't be myself around you two. I'm just saying.

I say one thing and it's got to be a conversation to be corrected. It's always got to be corrected my life is always has to be corrected i'm the guy to correct it seems it's like was it in like a bad mood but i've been kind of set drew did you drink did you already drink this is vodka drew no no you can't keep doing that drew you honestly don't need anymore stop you don't need anymore bitch You also get that you get dirty sheets, but a cute sleeper y'all want to see my tits Yes, please like please look at that guy like swinging around over there he's on the very tip top i know um i'm gonna fuck those birds like what you're gonna like what those birds what no i think i misheard you yeah i didn't say shit oh um well last night thanksgiving is over like

tell me why thanksgiving is over hi i'm a little piggy stop i've been ripping the armpits out of my shirts and sweaters right right better circulation better pheromone i know how to help circulate your blood if you need help doing that me too oh my god like rebooting and like recoding our neighbor just took a flash photo of us through the window that was fucking so weird should we go stop him or should we just let him have that for his enjoyment i mean he can see at my skirt i don't care can i see your morning wood tomorrow Let him have that for his enjoyment. I mean, he can see at my skirt. I don't care. Can I see your morning wood tomorrow?

Yes. Yes. Unironically, yeah. See, it's a real problem for me because when I walk into the room, panties just drop. They just start dropping, man. Like, everybody. Actually, no one's on TikTok. What if we captured the second on video a girl we will just bleep that out mom probably is gonna have to use the bathroom a few times during the flight and i just realized i've been groping your fucking shoe this like i don't mind it felt nice because these like don't have any like um. So your hands are like warming up. I'll give you a foot massage.

Just like. We can take these off. You need to stop. And it changes her pad in my fucking bathroom. It smells like dog surgery. Dog surgery is crazy. No, egg white is like stinky fart you like that bro

and you're a classist and you hate poor people football i don't see what that has to do with it, but... Die! Like, in Enya's room, like, tearing up, talking about these dreams. I know, he was fully about to cry over it, which was really embarrassing because I thought I lived and loved a man,

but then I realized that it was just a boy, so... And you're ugly, so... Oh, my God, yeah. And I never loved you you i could say the same okay what's the oh the highest in the room the alex uh g song i've been thinking saying recently when i get sad i get sad sad i get so mad Gonna marry you With a broken rib Cause I am trad And I am bad

Sometimes I get mad In my room. That was awesome. Yeah, we've been working on that. That's like... You guys have been working on that? I think the idea is that you create an infrastructure for electric vehicles, and then you move the power grid to a sustainable power grid to power those vehicles. And then you also don't have to spend energy getting the energy source to the vehicles, like with gas.

Kai, sometimes, actually, I'm not joking. You go on rants and I smile. Literally, my brain is a fucking clip machine. Oh my god. Kai, who are you having sex with um i've been having sex with drew i've been having um you're not to the point of hunger where you're nauseous because we all have a hunger we all have a hunger i've seen them we literally monster zinc and um isn't yeah monsters inc and uh finding nemo are coming to say hello what i don't have twitter and neither do you so you're lying i'm not lying i have twitter but for other reasons and sometimes i'll navigate over to the trending page what

where'd you go who is that hello hi hi hi um where's drew drew come back kai where's drew kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself all of you kai and inga kill yourself kill yourself how'd you get in here i'm getting out of here you look you look straight and sexy at the same time stop stop anyway continue okay okay wait what what about it though what about can y'all have sex when we're not doing our goddamn job um okay oh what am i supposed to do when she dies that's so annoying i think i'd get another cat maybe maybe you're pregnant right now you never you never don't fucking say that kind of shit to me don't wish evil upon me what do you like what did he call you no he called me oh my oh you think i

look pregnant no i'm not saying that wow no i'm not saying that that's all i'm saying that's not that wasn't what I was saying what true you know that's not what I was saying funny how freely you feel to speak on a woman's mind leave it in I'm gonna cut it cause you made it look like

no are you gonna yell at me for that what are you gonna do to me what the fuck is that, Tony? I'm going to spank you. Do you want to hear about the crazy shit I heard on the... Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

You immediately shut me down. She's like, I don't want to hear about that. So you get to talk about your weird conspiracies, and I can't say something real. Oh, they're not conspiracies. They're not conspiracies. I've had another obsession recently, but I can't say something they're not contrived they're not conspiracies i've had another obsession recently but i can't remember what it was it's probably me it's not really an obsession it when i watch you sleep at night like that's not an obsession i

know that's what you're what i know i was joking about like me being your obsession okay well i was joking too i do not climb a ladder and look through your windows at night like i don't prop up a ladder and just like look in like that's weird i wouldn't i would actually never do that so you sound dumb now it sounds like it's something you do and you're like backtracking heavily were you singing uh usher by you deserved all of that yeah but i just had oh my god why are you looking under my skirt can i cut that no i'm not cutting that signals to me what i i was literally telling a story oh no just girls don't really talk to me that often so like when i'm gonna have a fucking panic i'm gonna throw up

you're like in our mid-20s true no i'm 16 bitch don't ever say that to me ever fucking okay well you're 16 but i need you to hurry up and age faster because the fact that i spend all my time with a 16 year old is like i know it's crazy that we're in our mid-20s like you know what you want us to do is be like you're old as fuck Kai, but I love you You're aging gracefully for somebody with the genetics that you were gifted. Yes, girl. You're beautiful You're beautiful just the way you are and you shouldn't care about what other people think of you Grow up. Oh, i'll just meditate. Oh my god, you bitch ass liar bitch i'll just jerk off stop fucking interrupting us i'll just play with myself i'll play with you

in the back seat you know what's cool is this bag looks like um it was made in the same factory that they make basketballs on amazon. I'm just saying. I mean, am I wrong? Oh. Oh, my God. Like, no, you can't do this the whole episode. What are you doing? He's going to reenter.

Didn't get enough attention the first time. And you're, like, putting things in frame. Why did you have a stapler? I am on the opposite tip. I stopped sleeping naked because one time my friend sent me the TikTok. The earthquake is going to come. Oh, I don't give a fuck. That's my vibe. It's like if my nudes leak, I'm kind of just like relief.

It's like my brother dying. I just get relief. Did you just compare your nudes leaking to your brother dying? Yeah. This is something that I've been holding off. And I actually cannot believe that i haven't talked about it yet but okay so you know taylor swift she's got her new album coming out okay tell me why one of her first big songs she wrote about me teardrops on my guitar that was

written about me drew looks at me i fake a smile so he won't see no it's i think it's he looks at me i think it's true are you making that up because why don't i believe you it's it's very real she wrote it about me because do you have a fake thing you fucking photoshopped like where are you going i'm googling it right now um but the thing the fucking thing of it all teardrops on my guitar um drew looks at me the first oh wait is that actually it yeah that's what i'm saying is i didn't tell anybody about this but me and taylor had a thing really early on wait wait i was in tennessee wait wait wait wait 20 minutes outside the city what year did this song come out because now this is getting weird don't

ask questions because she's about 10 years older than you which wouldn't be weird now i was groomed by taylor swift there i said it there i said it's crazy how you've ignored every single question i've asked and answered all of inya's it's just like i i prioritize i prioritize attention from women because then you know they should be put on a pedestal in my opinion honestly i agree with that like why do y'all have to turn everything into like proving that you don't hate women and i feel like i've been doing okay enough that i don't need to um which is you need to talk I don't understand how like computers work and you like can't pay me to sit down and learn I've said that before I could easily no no hello oh my god oh sorry I just your

botox looks really good. It's cool that Kai got a really good Botox that you can't tell that he has like Botox and filler in it. Kai do you have the face smoothing on? I don't. I swear to God I don't. Actually. Oh yeah, it's at 100%.

I love them so much. They have this square almost frog like toe detail. Kai there's sand falling out of your shoe. There's something that literally fell out of your sneaker. My fucking god. Antimicrobial. I can't- who's- Turn around, go back to where you came from and- But like, I can't do bone-in meat at all.

Like, boner meat. Hey! I can't. Come from me. How is it? I just am complimenting you. Hey, don't cry. Don't cry. No, real men don't cry. Please stop.

Like, actually, no. It's like grossing me out. Oh, my God. I'm never fucking him again. Wait a second. You guys fuck? All the time. Huh?

Like clockwork. Damn. Clockwork. Call us clockwork horns. Because we're fucking. I've never seen the movie. Let? Like clockwork. Damn it. Clockwork. Call us clockwork horns. Because we're fucking. I've never seen the movie. Let's talk about Finsta. Have we ever talked about Finsta?

Oh my God. Like the energy of if they think you are important. And if you are not like serving that you're. Kai. Kai, your camera is on. What's up? Your camera is on what's up your camera is on are you drinking no no this is water why do you have water in a big vodka bottle it's like a propel it's like tequila like why are you okay actually no you're you're done like you're done camera what do you mean i'm done camera off um we need to get a replacement for that guy i know

it was it was pretty okay i think we technically have the technically that's a headline yeah oh my god is it a vibrator no it's a flashlight for like Drew's mouth. Oh. Of my mouth. Yeah. How did you get the fucking mold? Yeah, what?

I like did this thing where I like scanned your face while you were sleeping and did a 3D model of it. What the fuck? No. That's actually impressive, you know? Okay, thank you. I thought you guys would be sure to come. And you should go and kill yourself. And you should go and kill yourself now.

Can I get a pint of Jose Cuervo? Damn. i have never seen you move your body like that holy shit i'm not touching get your hand off of me or something you got don't fucking talk about charlie that's my twin you have got to get off that fucking iphone why is he always on that iphone if i had the money charlie pooth had i would not be on iphone.com i would be out like i would be like not on iphone a gay oh oh a man with an iphone is gay no that cracked that broke that literally just cracked i saw a glass

yeah i'm literally like i'm like weird niche on the internet. You're like far right extremist. It's okay. No, I'm not. No, Drew, stop. You have to stop. Like, we can't publicize that stuff. Well, you said blue lives matter.

I'm a Republican. We should be able to talk. No, I didn't say that. You're saying all of that. I would never publicly say that because i'm smart what do you mean by that i just feel different you know yeah i forgot to put on earrings i feel better yeah oh you i noticed something was really ugly about you and it's because you didn't have your earrings and that makes me feel so awful because i feel very insecure

without my earring well it's something you can change in five minutes so just do it nature it's like breathing like i don't realize i'm doing it it just happens no i feel that but i never miss access and i'm like the best wait what yeah like i'm also like super on like hella substances like like i was just fucking lsd no don't admit to that at least like you can keep no you can keep doing it and like i was just fucking lsd no don't admit to that at least like you can keep no you can keep doing it and like i don't care but just like for the sake of our like image online don't like post pop the tab of lsd i took a fentanyl roxy when how does that make you feel terrible yeah you should write a fucking book about it and sell it to somebody who gives a fuck because i literally

don't oh my, my God. I'm not confirming nor denying that I have a gun in this bag right now. So keep talking shit and find out. Oh, my God. You're threatening to shoot your friends. Let's just find out. Should we find out? Let's just say I laughed my little butt off. We're just like caught up.

We're caught up in other things. I feel like you guys do stuff though shut oh i just i i'm trying to like validate the fact that you guys are living your lives and you go blind for the things we say to each other but that is such that is such an honor to be living a life where i am surrounded by such funny people that i am constantly pissing myself and giving myself the and the fact that you're constantly doing that and not giving me the panties after is crazy what yeah it's not a straight fruit it is a little fruity yeah true drew you got a little sugar in your tank huh what the fuck did you just say to him was that a slur were you calling yeah like that was really

derogatory like what are you saying that's like a funny thing that and during pride month and during pride month babe every month is pride month babe walk out and it's like a kind of fancy hotel i guess and like other people cool people were staying there or whatever. Are my eyes too close together? I feel like they are. I don't know. Kai just said it. Hey, Drew.

Fuck me. Drew. Fuck off. Serious question. Do you want to drop any more shit and fuck up the audio before we continue? Oh my God. Do you want to lose your fucking job? Serious question.

Do you want to fucking job after this yes i'm so sorry like it was a usual stomachache where i'm like bloated and something hurt but my fucking colons were literally vibrating like if i put my colon to my clit i would have it would have been a mess because they were vibrating do you get it okay jesus fucking christ none of my messages are sending jesus h christ where does the h come from like have you heard someone say that before like jesus h christ have you heard does the age come from it's for holiday it's for like the holiday christmas jesus holiday christmas yeah hanging out and it's just like this key. That's like what the fuck The house but like electric bikes and she kept saying her electric chair And I

Electric chair What does that like? I'm just trying to get some pussy. I gotta be real. Oh my god. That's not the way you do it I thought that's like what you would like. What? You didn't even care. What? I cared. I was taking notes the whole time. Oh, I cared.

Sometimes my depression just flares up. Oh my God. Did we ask though? Like, let's be real. Like, it wasn't like a diluted drink. They were serving me alcohol. So I had a drink and I was like, Josie, get one. Get one.

Okay. were serving me alcohol so i had a drink and i was like josie get one okay when you're on your periods and like your uterus and shit hurts just shut the fuck up yeah and i was like and I was like, whoa. Whoa. Her name was Mary. Looking like a star. Hold on, we got media. Really focus in and pay attention. When I cook, I do too much. And then like my dish is like a million. You're doing too much.

What's fucking crazy is that i literally like had to hide my tattoos in shibuya with the frank ocean lyric yeah but you have one so it's like i had sex with your mom last night did Did you know that, Kai? And she squirted everywhere. Did you know your mom was a squirter? Oh, my God. Why would you know that, Kai? Ew, ew. But it's real.

Like, it was the genesis of you realizing that you were straight and you didn't have to have, like, any worries. Exactly, exactly, exactly, exactly. Oh, my God. Seriously, like, 100%. We thought our boobs were like the funniest thing like we literally like the amount of times we would be in bathing suits like at the beach or at the pool and y'all get naked and play with each other's boobs and like take pictures of them and like like pour water on them and then you'd send those photos to me now

send me pictures of your tits like m'lady didn't see you there if i was there i wouldn't have let any of this happen by the way how would you have stopped that i don't know i would have found a way i'm basically ant-man peace and just listen to it because you like it and it makes you feel good stop i'm right here you do this to me all the time like you're a slut like i didn't know i was marrying someone who was for the people show them show them Show them what you did in your mouth. You're embarrassed. What were you going to say? Oh, I've been trying to gain weight really badly in Japan.

And I ate so much fucking food. I ate so much goddamn food in Japan. And I actually did gain weight. I gained seven pounds. So congratulate me. Where did you go at some point I squirted and squooshed all over this fucking carpet

I've cummed on our green carpet in our living room what I literally was like I feel like so normal normally I feel like fucking shit can I please have some of that of my balls? No. But like you're giving me a little peak show through your shorts and I can see your balls.

No, I can't. Can I see? Can I see? I want it. I want it. Iconic. Iconic. I want it.

I want it. I want it. Icon i want it oh kai's wearing different pants today kai lied to me and that's a whole other thing i didn't know i didn't know that this became um the mental health podcast since last time i've been on here um kill yourself oh yeah yeah so much for mental health project and your fucking life and this what was i saying to you in the kitchen earlier that i was like i'm gonna save that for the podcast oh that you were so drew he wants to be happy gave me a blue check it's coming in like a week and i'm gonna get you one too oh all right oh he's crawling around.

I don't know if they can see that. They can't see you. He's getting back in frame, though, so they can see. This is what pushed you over the edge. Don't hit your head again. Come on, little guy. Come on, let's get you back on the chair. Literally 20 episodes, but every time I just like forget.

What the fuck? Yeah. What? I'm done too. Please don't leave. Please don't leave. Okay. I guess I'm just going to do this episode, the rest alone.

And yeah, this will be cool. Get the fuck away from me. cool i'm gonna fucking kill you i'm done i'm actually uh like fed up with all your bullshit yeah my brother died no he didn. You keep calling me a liar. He literally didn't. You fucking liar. Where are the bitches at? Are all the bitches at home?

Wait, this is me. This is me asking. Where are the bitches at? Okay. Oh, it feels like we're roommates. Like, 1604. Wait, guys. And they were roommates.

Ow! Wait, is this going to be out on Mother's Day or by Mother's Day? No, it comes out right before Mother's Day. Okay, I can't say this then. Yeah, don't say that. I need to make MILF stay. I need to make MILF stay. Turn your camera off and your mic.

Yeah, turn it off. Time out. Three minutes. Inya. turn your camera off and you're gonna turn it off time out three minutes um in yeah yeah you know how there's mother's day yeah they need to make mill stay are you kidding no for real would you i'm sorry that's not fair that's literally my joke i'm sorry who is that who who got in? Who got into our zoom? Oh my god, did you leak the address? I think I accidentally leaked. How do you guys not recognize my voice? Who is this? This man is scaring me, honestly. Look, it's me. Look, I'm back.

Get the fuck out. Get out. Get out of here. Oh. Oh, damn. Keep going. Oh. Oh. Oh, damn. Keep going. So, tell me this was... Okay, because I was talking and you just are trying to butt in while I'm talking. So, like...

Then, like, the cough... Yo. It's literally a sickness den in here. Both of them, both of them are coughing. But that cough didn't sound bad. Bitch. A cough is a normal cough.

It's like, how have you not seen this fucking movie and you just like listened to this? And I was like, because it's two of the greatest composers of all time. Oh, like. Hello. Yo, holy shit. I think me and Kyra are honestly shocked because, like...

You just want me to fucking take off my beard? You just want me to fucking take it off? I'll fucking take it off. I'm gonna fucking take it off. Oh my God. Fuck you guys. Are you shaved for you? You just pulled your beard off?

You just ripped it off? Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I'm literally fucking crazy. Did that not hurt? I'm fucking crazy. I'm fucking crazy. This random guy that my dad and mom have never met. I went to your construction site and nobody knew who you were.

Bitch. Whoa. What was that reaction? Girl, I don't know. I really don't know. Like, that was the definition of I'm in the middle of a story and someone just said something. Let me come up with something quick. Bitch.

Eradicate. We need some eradicating. Eradicate James Charles. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay, actually, I'm not kidding. Like, why is airplane food and airport food?

Those are the worst meals ever. Not for me. Not for me. Pam. Pam. No, so you. Wait, by Enya. Makeup by Enya.

Styling by Enya. Wait, tattoos by Drew, though. Yeah, we know the thing is no one said i looked good today you look beautiful don't i know you look beautiful today kai drew when i get home you're getting the biggest spanking I've ever given you. Yeah. I know. Yeah. I'm going to put you over my lap. Bend me over. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Holy shit. We've got. How big would it get? How sticky would it get? Your hole? Yeah. We're recording this bitch.

Oh, this is. We started. You're not. I hope you're happy that this will be your last job that you will be able to get because I don't know where else you're gonna take this resume. Oh, you wanted to sing your members. Okay. Yeah. See how fast I catch on to you? Yeah, you know my vibe. You little, you little bastard

prick. Not the oil spill. Not me causing an oil spill. That's actually crazy. Remember when banks used to have the drive-thrus and they would send the check in the tube? Oh, that was so sad. That was fun as fuck. I put bees in one.

They're DJing a festival in New York. Bitch, you ate like McDonald's. What the fuck are you saying? Like, you know when people are like, oh, sis, you ate. Josiah ate like McDonald's. What the fuck are you saying? You know when people are like, oh, it's issue A. Josiah ate McDonald's. What does that mean?

It's just me being very classist. But they're giving Kai one and then they're having it permanently in the work where you do what your work is. It's a cocksucker, bitch-ass, ball fucker. Yeah. I'm going to be honest. You win some, you lose some. Yeah, it's a give anducker bitch ass ball fucker yeah so i'm gonna be honest you win some you lose some so yeah it's a good thing are you pretending hey he's tapped out he's

like he thinks he's he thinks he's recording a podcast episode somewhere else he entered in like a parallel universe and i think it's a podcast and it's a universe where it's just him because like he's giving no space for oh oh let's see how long it goes oh oh he's back i just was somewhere oh drunk that it like came out and i do remember cracking ew what y'all are like flirting with each other i'm literally talking about shitting and throwing up i would straight up kill for both of you guys okay i would do whatever it took yeah how about yourself oh oh my god and yeah i think you went too far did he do it did he wait but you went too far i've got the power did you do it though a classic um and then the last song i need to and i'm vibing inside i want hair extensions again so bad i should do that actually i'm gonna do that today before we go i'm gonna break this on your fucking head why so drew you were constipated and then and you just played fortnite

yeah um that's cool i started a non-profit and um yeah so that's just like what i've been doing you're claiming you started a charity yeah i'm working on uh fixing war i'm getting rid of it so you started a non-profit for neo-Nazis. No, I didn't. I'm Jewish. Why would I do that? I don't know. You tell me.

That's just something that you said. I'm not doing that. Do you have proof that you're not doing that? I don't have proof that I'm not doing that, but I'm also not. Oh, that does not look good. That really doesn't look good on you. Like, I'm going to be honest. Drew, you should be a lawyer. And I'm gonna be honest. Drew, you caught his eye.

You should be a lawyer. Ooh. And I'm gonna sell it. I'm gonna make pink hats. And call them pussy hats. Alright, let's go into some media, because like you're freaking me the fuck out. Not your post-breakout with Joker glow up!

You're glowing! Sis, snap! Me and Joker glow up. I know. You're glowing. Say snap. Me and Joker broke up. I tried to kill myself last week. Oh, man. Do you know why? I really wanted this to be like a fun one. Do you want to know why?

Why? Do you want to know how? How or why? How and why? You can choose one. Why? I woke up in the middle of the night. Okay.

And I walked into the kitchen. And I saw what I thought was a ghost. But it was an intruder. And the intruder looked at me. And spoke in tongue or binary or... couldn't describe it but it was almost like a Morse code okay I'm like clicking and the clicks for some reason resonated with me and they said kill your family or kill yourself children so I tried to kill myself and it didn't work and i later learned that it was a schizophrenic

delusion and now i am on antipsychotics okay cool because i guess other carriers because i didn't know there were other phones other than iphones but apparently there are other cellular devices that you can purchase which is really really confusing. There's so many. Because I thought there were only iPhones. Like, what are the other ones? I don't know. I don't know. You guys don't know that there are other phones?

There's only iPhones. I don't even know what the word phone means. I know iPhones. Is that a separate word? Because there's iPhones. Do you guys know that there were phones before the iPhone? I actually don't know what that word means. Yeah, because you keep saying it without, like, that's like if you, I was like, oh, did you know that there were phones before the iPhone? I actually don't know what that word means. Yeah, because you keep saying it without like, that's like if you, I was like, oh, did you

know that there were ohms before homes? Like, what are you saying? Yeah, like you're taking a letter out. Did you know that there were other types of iPhones before the iPhone? Yeah, there's iPhone like 3, 4. 4, 3, 2G. They dropped the 3G model. No.

Like, you guys could not be more wrong about this situation. Okay, because that's funny because it's two against one fucking idiot yeah i didn't think i hope you feel alone in that that's lit but basically i found out that i had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection at the same damn time which is pretty common but we made sourdough bread in that oven what the fuck is wrong with you since no actually that sounds like my goddamn dream being i'm not kidding that is one of the most fucked up things about me is like i i feel like actually disgusting saying this because this is not chill at all and i recognize that and i realize that this is not okay to like want this.

And I actually do need psychiatric help in this stem. This is very deep. And it like goes back to like my childhood or something. But I legitimately like want a chronic illness. Someone says or asks, what's the hardest lesson you've learned in adulthood? That you are truly alone in this life like you can have your people you can have your family but at the end of the day you're alone well don't that's like really funny and you're getting call of duty an eye for an eye i literally kill so many people

i've killed so many people oh hair and you put the hair clip in it. You do that to my vulva. Yeah, and then I'd really take some time to try to find the clitoris. That's a psyop. That clitoris doesn't exist. Urgency intercom, cream dream. Wet dream, cream dream. Cream team, team cream. Are you on the cream team?

Are you squirt squad? Kareem team or squirt squad? A lame, nihilistic way, but like Azul is eating my goddamn plant. Motherfucker. She was. Did she chomp on it big time? No, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Actually, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Like this is actually like the saddest day of my goddamn life. Oh Is it bad? Yes, we're leaving the same We'll just keep it here for the rest of the episode. We'll watch her. I'm going to fucking vomit. Dude, oh my god. He ate...

No, Inya. This is all him. I didn't even realize that. That's all him. He was eating the fuck out of that like a fucking snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm going to spank the shit out of him.

My grandpa died a long time ago. And I met him... Actually, I had a chance to meet him once in Honduras But he was the grandpa on my dad's side that abandoned my dad and at the at the age of five years old I was a ride-or-die. They were like, oh abuelos here abuelo. You want to meet him? I stayed in that bed Jumping like a little monkey monkey jumping on a bed and I looked at my grandma's and nope I don't want to meet no fucking traitor and then he died. no i would be so mad like this is so fucked up i am vain like i know this i like i am very vain i'm stuck in my vanity i want to be pretty like that's like

one of my main goals in life is to look good no matter what being pretty is a curse because you're hated by the ugly people and you're hated by men you get slut shamed yas my feminist king i'm down for the pretty girls you're more than just a pretty girl to me what am i you're a funny girl you're a funny looking girl. In the fucking hurricane ticket booth at Chuck E. Cheese so bad right now. That was one of the happiest moments. Did they fight at your Chuck E. Cheese? I always saw parents getting into fist fights at my Chuck E. Cheese.

And it was fun. And it was like, this is how humans should be existing. Parents should be getting tipsy and fist fighting. And kids are lost. And kids are crying. And they don't know where to go. And the big mouse is scaring the fuck out of everyone. and fist fighting and kids are lost and kids are crying and they don't know where to go that's like the big mouse is scaring the fuck out of everyone the video of me like drunkenly recording drew with

my handycam being like i don't want to take him to the hospital and like i go in close on his face and he literally looks dead no i think we should insert that clip like legitimately i mean we could drive him to the hospital no i'm not going to the hospital we could just drive to the hospital it wouldn't cost four thousand dollars the thing is mason last night was literally throwing up like four times in a row we did take him to the hospital so i'm like why do we have to take drew to the hospital look at him he's way worse than Mason. This is like Project X.

Bam, bam, bam! That's so mean because obviously everyone's destined to flop. No, I was just in my flop era for the last year and a half. Yeah, I go through constant flop eras. But my thing is you have to take pride in your flop. Don't run away from the flop because it only hits harder. Exactly. You need to put on your best fucking dress. Just relish in your flop yeah don't run away from the flop because it only hits harder exactly you need to put on your best fucking dress just relish to go out there yeah and and slay in your flop try something new in your flop era yeah but but not too new like don't be crazy you know he meant his kindle yeah his amazon kindle amazonian that's what they should call the workers. Amazonians. Oh, yeah

You look he should like turn to God and start doing that shit No, literally y'all don't y'all do not want my religious art like you do not want it They coming soon. Our religious homophobic tyrant art. Coming soon. Coming real fucking soon I'm playing. what is that? What is that? No, stop, stop, what is that? Oh my god, did you lock the fucking door? Oh my fucking god. Did you forget to lock the fucking door?

I forgot to lock the door. You were supposed to- oh my god. What? What? Hello, John. Literally my worst fucking nightmare about poetic justice is it's just so Welcome girl I'm just getting started

How did you get here Corella? I need to know basis. Bring back my dogs. Show off the outfit because I spent a lot of fucking money on this. Bring back my dogs oh my god okay show off the outfit because i spent a lot of fucking money on this bring back my dogs is that rupaul i just found that out when my brother died and now my i'm reliving it because my grandpa just died and honestly like when my bug died like that was really traumatic damn i'm being i'm surrounded by death recently like you motherfuckers better watch out are you threatening i'm not threatening y'all i'm just saying one eye open when i'm sleeping no it was like nothing like it was like you couldn't even bring

a bag onto the plane for that flight all you could have was like a book bag or some shit like because the plane could not handle that much weight i couldn't fit on that plane because of like my fat ass and my wiener's like too heavy it would like weigh it down because i have a giant fucking car i can't believe that happened in real life i know see that's why that's one of my problems is like school doesn't teach you like important things like how to do your taxes and squid games um yeah the consequences of your own actions okay that really just threw the vibe off, like, incredibly. That, like, really ruined the vibe.

You know what it was? You felt happier than me, and in that moment, I knew I had to take you down. Like, I had to take you down. You had to take me down with you. Like, no one, I should be, I am so miserable, but I still need to somehow be the happiest girl in the room. So, I, like, when I got in there immediately i was like yo like i need to like stand my ground and be like the man this prison needs so immediately i went up to like the strongest gang in there and spit in their face which was stupid because i was only in there for four days um and then i started this like underground um what's it called uh like economy with slim jims so all of y'all's donations um

but they didn't donate who donated just all the viewers they're like really they stood by my side like they were there for me and like listener like thank you for putting money on my what is that commission like commissary commissary thank you for putting money on my commissary. I was able to buy Slim Jims. I was able to buy enough Slim Jims to start a little Slim Jim economy. And then, yeah, I traded three up for a shiv and I protected myself for four days and I'm here. It's like pirate sleigh. Like, would you rather have an eyepatch or a peg leg?

Eyepatch. I feel like it's more iconic, but the peg leg is kind of sick. Peg leg! Can you imagine just fucking pegging someone with your leg and just like fucking their ass with your leg? That was good. Yeah. Oh, like we actually don't need a test like uh kaya asked like a gate agent the gate agent was like oh no like you're good like i think it was straight actually um oh my god i would never take my kid to a water park honestly i would give my kid oh my kid is going to the water park that's how i'm never sick is because i got my immune because I went and I swallowed so much

I think my local water park what? What though because I went and I swallowed so much water at the water park. You didn't do that. Okay? and I hope and I hope Happy you're not living a home. Yeah, you're not you're not happy in a home? Yeah, you're not happy in that house and you genuinely need to just get a homey house and maybe you'll feel happier. But also, maybe I'm saying that.

Let's just have wood. And that's the best sandwich you can get. I used to eat the tuna from Subway. Literally going down. It's going down. I'm going to play that on my iPhone. Why did you say that? More than I ever usually do.

And, um, are you serving while I talk? You know what I find crazy? What? Is that women can't cum. Like, they can't have orgasms. Drew, stop it, because that's not true. Why?

Do you actually think that, or are you just saying that? I'll believe it when I see it, you know? Yeah, literally. Like, I'm just trying to, like... I'm just trying to, like, figure out, like... I'm trying to figure out if you're joking, because there's actually no way that you think women are incapable of having an orgasm well every woman i've been with has just not have you ever thought like that's more of like something

you've done like a problem like you're like making or no because i but also like i haven't i have never seen that happen i mean that makes a lot of sense. What do you mean? I had an idea for the podcast. I stand right here in front of the camera, and then you guys just take turns kicking me in the nuts. In the what? In the nuts. Do you get off on that? No, I don't get off on that. I just think it would be a cool idea for the show.

What about that is cool? Don't you just think it would be a cool idea for the show. I don't know. Like, what about that is, like, cool? Don't you guys think that would be cool? No. I would have fun doing it, but it would make me look bad. Like, imagine how funny it would be if I was, like, doubled over in pain and you guys maybe even continued to kick me while I was on the ground. What? What is happening?

I don't know. I'm just saying, like, it's an idea. And then maybe you could get some dirt and like throw it in my face. Who's going to fucking clean it up? I'll clean it up. Okay. And maybe while I'm cleaning it up, you yell at me and throw. Piss on you?

Tomatoes or eggs or piss. That sounds like it's coming from your end. Like you just want to piss on someone. Yeah. I'll admit it yeah is that something you guys would be interested in or is that like we're gonna we're gonna have to think about that yeah because that doesn't sound like can you please just say yes right now oh my god like why are you like leave us alone let us like figure it out okay all right whatever, getting off the flight. Ooh, this just vibrated in my coochie.

Hold on, put it back. I'm going to call you. Oh my god. We're in the Twilight Forest. I hope a big, strong, hunky werewolf man doesn't come and take me away and do things to me. Yeah, I hope a vampire doesn't come and like finger me on my period and suck all the blood out of my um, oh My cervix. Yeah, I hope a big hairy werewolf guy

They should have installed a vacuum in the mouth of okay Cuz also my dad called me and he was like and yeah, it's getting hard out here Like it's just so hot like I'm aging and i still have to work outside and my life is really hard and i was like oh my fucking god why the fuck do you keep calling me don't complain to us my work like i'm working i'm literally like and then i fucking hang up on him and then i look at kyle i'm like you better fucking cut that out of this you better cut that the fuck out because my dad's on the phone crying to me then my mom calls and she's like anya like can you please can you help with the phone bill? And I'm like, oh my god, you fucking

bitch, throw your phone away. Why do you need a phone? I need a phone for my work. It's crazy because I find myself working past like 5.15. I scream for cream, you scream for cream, we all scream for cream. Damn. Literally the plane is crashing.

Oh my. That's just me, that's just my body part. I can't really stop it. And they did make me leave my coochie in the US. Damn. They did the same thing to me with my heavy wiener. With your big boner. Yeah. Chewing the lithium.

What? Enya, you're beautiful. And I love you just the way you are I didn't ask you to say any of that shit and you don't have to change yourself for me I'm gonna take your skin cut some of it off dehydrate it and then apply

adhesive to the back of it and use your skin as nipple pasties I love the way you make words and then apply adhesive to the back of it and use your skin as nipple pasties. I love the way you make words. But it's like never that deep. But because of that and because of my caffeine intake and now that I'm a Coca-Cola drinker, I think I am two steps away from a kidney stone. Yes.

You know what that means, Ed? Let's have a shit. A sip, shall we? Catch Me by Pretty Poison. Outside, how about that? Miracles by Alex G. So you're just seeing things more beautifully. You know how you have to turn down the radio to listen to directions?

That's what it's like. Listening to loud music, it's hard to hear a conversation don't look at me right now when you say that i shattered my second mason jar of the day wait what is a glar i heard i have no idea i actually don't i hella ate dog food as a kid and i wish i was brave enough to eat fish food too like when i'm at a table with my friends john mulaney had a really i think i've literally said exactly this but i was listening to a podcast he was if you don't stop i'm gonna smack the fuck out of you calling all the last straight men in 2022 should i do it should i do it too because like i don't know if a gay person doing it like Outro Music