Emergency Intercom - Best of emergency intercom episodes 1-10

Episode Date: March 21, 2025

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Starting point is 00:01:28 I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
Starting point is 00:01:44 I'm gonna be a fucking liar. be like you're a fucking liar. Not that we feel invincible no one's gonna kill me. Exactly. I'm not being killed by accident. Yep. And that's that on that I'm not gonna go into depth but it's just like I think we can infer what you mean. Like not in like a scary way because I don't want to scare anyone or like trigger anyone or like make anyone feel uncomfortable but like I remember this is a conversation I had with a friend when we first met and we had a debate about this Where I was like no fucking murderer is going to murder me bitch I see you coming and I feel like I have no other option I'm doing the job because I'm not giving you the satisfaction of you're not getting off on killing
Starting point is 00:02:21 Yeah, no one is getting off on killing me. Not even the universe. So if I gotta do what I gotta do, I'm gonna do what I gotta do. I'm gonna cycle my body back to earth. But what I was saying is like, I'm not gonna die from the vaccine. And if for some reason in 30 years, my blood starts clotting, I'm going to survive and I'm going to sue
Starting point is 00:02:43 and I'm gonna get my bag and I'm gonna to sue and I'm going to get my bag and I'm going to distribute my wealth. You slay. The most insane hypothetical ever. Like, okay, girl. Y'all see the rich. The way I take hypotheticals so serious, like sometimes we're close to ending our relationship over hypotheticals so serious. Like sometimes like we're close to ending our relationship
Starting point is 00:03:08 over hypothetical. And it's literally cause of me being like, I don't believe in aliens and Drew will literally throw a fit. Like I will never see this man as angry as me disagreeing with the hypothetical. And he gets so mad cause I just, I can't get into it. I'm like, I am grounded in reality.
Starting point is 00:03:23 It's because you're disagreeing with everything at my core. It's like It's like you literally just disagree with me as a person. Did I tell you about one time me and Orion were out for drinks and It was with Josh too And it's the hypothetical of marrying Harry Styles or Tiffany Chalamet on the spot came up and I said I wouldn't do that I was like, I don't know them. I was like not only on the spot came up and I said I wouldn't do that. I was like I don't know them. I was like not only do you not like,
Starting point is 00:03:45 at my core I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane. I'm not marrying anyone, not even the love of my life at any point in my life. So why would I marry this random? You literally got married. Huh? You wish we got married.
Starting point is 00:03:59 You tried it. See, like I said, not even my platonic soul mate can bag me. No one is getting me to sign those stupid fucking papers. And then she got really, really mad. She had so upset at me. I'm about to get upset at you right now. Like, okay, first of all, I don't think and this is a big tape.
Starting point is 00:04:17 I don't think sexually we would have good chemistry. Me and Harry or me and Timothy Chalamet. Could you imagine us kissing? No, I literally cannot even imagine. chemistry and Harry or me and Timothy Shalmey. Could you imagine us kissing? No, I literally cannot even imagine. Those are just two men that like, I don't think biologically we could get it going anyways. So I'm not wearing that.
Starting point is 00:04:34 I'm not doing that to myself. I'm fucking Harry Styles. There are two, they are so disconnected from reality. In my head, I cannot comprehend that they are living beings, let alone having to have some sort of like relationship with them like that. Like maybe Timothy on like a friendly level, but even that, like I crack up at his existence, not because I find him like corny or anything, but people at that level literally make me laugh.
Starting point is 00:05:01 It's like Kylie Jenner. Like if I saw Kylie Jenner, if Kylie Jenner came up to me and just started talking to me I would crack the fuck up. I'm like you're you're not real. Like there is no comprehending someone and also because I just think about like sometimes when our followers meet us and they're like I can't believe like I'm looking at you right now. Like that with Timothee Chalamet with Harry Styles Styles, I have like put it, that man is a god in your brain. No, he is a fucking 3D render. Like he's not a real human. Like I've fascinated about his existence since I was literally, yeah, his fucking cock since
Starting point is 00:05:40 I was like 14. So therefore his cock does not exist. Actually, I literally can't look at anyone and see their genitals. Like my biggest thing is like. Where are you going? I don't know. Now I'm just ranting. But like, no, you know how like some people like look at someone.
Starting point is 00:05:56 Wait. No, listen, you know how some people look at someone and they like can sexualize someone? I cannot sexualize anyone for the life of me. Like I genuinely, I have to, whoa. I can. I have to get to know someone first. And then I'm like, oh, maybe, maybe.
Starting point is 00:06:12 But I don't, I don't find people sexy. Like I'm not, like I find women sexy, but like men, I'm like, can you fucking get the fuck out of my face? But that's a difficult question. Damn. Okay. I just have to get a man to know a man first because men like off rip or so gross. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Yeah. And then when you get to know them, it's like, okay, stinky. I kind of like you. Okay, stinky. Okay. Onion powder.
Starting point is 00:06:39 You know what onion powder? I kind of like you. But yeah, that's my rant about not being able to imagine myself marrying Timothy Chalamet or Harry Styles. I'd have sex with both of them. I mean, we could talk about how I know for 1000% fact that I can cross the big red balls in Wipeout without a doubt if they put them in front of me right now, I would literally go so beast mode. You just say you couldn't carry a gallon of milk and you think you're crossing those balls?
Starting point is 00:07:09 I'm crossing those balls with zero effort. Like I'm just running like a robot across. Like literally that's all you have to do is just run across like these bitches have the wrong strategy when they dive onto it. Like yeah, of course you're gonna fucking fly off. Like it's simple physics. It's literally like I have it all worked out in my brain like this well then apply to be on fucking wipeout I don't think it's the hardest thing in
Starting point is 00:07:30 the world no I'm literally gonna rent them for myself just to prove it to myself I would love that because I would love to try I'm that's my next video is like literally where you gonna rent that you're acting like it's that fucking that sky zone you have to like I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. I figured everything out Sometimes when Drew's in my passenger seat talking in the car I genuinely feel like there's an automated like AI machine trying to make something to relate to me Yeah, it's just missing cuz I'm like, what are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:08:07 Okay, I just want to see a building fall. It's poetic almost. It's like the destruction of humanity post capitalism, like buildings falling. It's beautiful. And I have a literally every TikTok, the post capitalist ramifications of the depopification. Yeah, literally. But I just think seeing a building fall
Starting point is 00:08:29 would hit a spot in me that needs to be hit. Yeah, I get that because I was like- It would be beautiful, like literally. That was like when we lived in 1304 and we like all had like a very unhealthy. So basically- No, don't even talk about it. Don't, it's bad.
Starting point is 00:08:45 It's bad. Like that's something that stays between- We wanted to see buildings get like basically blown up. But like, again, no one inside. We just like, it's just like wanting to see that kind of thing. It's just like, I want to see that. Just destruction and chaos.
Starting point is 00:09:00 Like literally for the longest time, I just wanted chaos. And then I got chaos and I was like My case and you're like wait, why does that sound fun? Why does that sound lit? Sounds lit fucking stupid. Yeah Okay last bill Alex Bose is I went to like the get the gynecologist, like, six — no, dude, it's almost a year ago now.
Starting point is 00:09:30 I went to the gynecologist because I was like, I need to just go get my coochie checked on because something funky is happening down there. This discharge looks a little funky. Funky town is getting a little too funky. And honestly, like, her discharge did taste weird. Like. Funky Town was violating some of the clauses in their bill. But yeah, it was itchy, itchy, stink, stink.
Starting point is 00:10:01 Ah, that's the scary part. It didn't smell different. That was what was scaring itchy, stings, stings. That's the scary part. It didn't smell different. That was what was scaring me actually. But basically I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection at the same damn time. Which is pretty common. But-
Starting point is 00:10:17 We made sourdough bread in that oven. What the fuck is wrong with you? But basically when I went, they were like, oh. That was a bar, right? They were like, you have to get tests to know if you have bacterial vaginosis. And they were like, well, we have to test this swab and that the lab tests are gonna run you like $500
Starting point is 00:10:40 because I also don't have health insurance. And then I was like, hmm, okay. And they were like, oh, but you could just pay 250 now and we'll send you the 250 bill later if that makes you more comfortable. Well, like when, after we get the test results back, we'll give you the rest. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Starting point is 00:10:54 Because like, one, I don't want to spend $500 right now. And then two, how the fuck do I know y'all are actually gonna give me those results? So I was like, okay, and I spent the 250 and I was like, okay, yeah. I even have the voice memos that I sent to you when I was like, I just spent $500 for my pussy to be fucking swabbed.
Starting point is 00:11:12 But, like the fact that that's a voice memo on my phone. I need to find it. Basically, not too long later, I get a pretty little bill in the mail and I'm like, oh, this is the 250 I owe. I opened it, and it's $1,600, and it doesn't, they gave me an itemized bill.
Starting point is 00:11:32 It doesn't have any late fees on there or anything. That's, see, that's why you bitches should have kept your fucking mouth shut. Letting everyone know that we need, I like, I wish there was a way for everyone to know that you needed to get an itemized bill without the people themself knowing, like the people who will give you an itemized bill,
Starting point is 00:11:48 because now they know that they're like, bitch, don't ask any questions, we're gonna send you the itemized bill, you can't even ask for it. But basically I haven't paid that back, and I'd literally rather my fucking pussy shrivel up and fall off my body than to go back, like because I'm not giving y'all any more money.
Starting point is 00:12:04 We're literally just airing out like us like breaking the law like literally criminals and fugitives because I have a medical bill that I have insurance like I have insurance and for some reason they keep trying to get me to pay 260 and I'm like evading that bill like fuck y'all I'm not paying that like come for my credit I don't even have a credit score because I will never ever ever ever get a credit score I swear to girl you say that and so we need to fucking get our own apartments and how the fuck are you gonna move in you're gonna cosign for me I will I do that for all my friends thank you I I was thinking about that last night I was like now how the fuck am I gonna get a car in an apartment I was thinking about that last night. I was like now how the fuck am I gonna get a car in an apartment? I was like, I'll just have someone cosign. I literally would cosign I could sign for all my days I'll take the L cuz I don't cuz I don't believe in that shit. Anyway, I'm like a credit score
Starting point is 00:12:55 Like no, I'm like you can see my credit score, but I don't know if you want to believe that They say all sorts of lies these days. No, no, no But yeah, we need to pay that bill because like that. No, because you're not gonna, we're not gonna be able to get our own places. Yeah, I know my credit score is not budget. I'm just gonna have to be like please look like believe in me. Put some faith in me. Have a little trust in me. We should wait until the stock market crashes, the stock market crashes, the housing market crashes because it's just been put afloat. They've been prolonging 2008
Starting point is 00:13:30 for so long and then we should just buy houses because there'll be like literally pennies on the dollar. Like I will buy a $3.1 million home for $1 million and I will get rich in four years off that house, baby. That's my girl. I don't know anything about that. Anyway, let's get back to the topic of this fucking podcast. Yeah. The day I wore that Elmer Fudd orange hat, I was out for ice cream with Mason and Dante and I took it off to talk about how greasy my hair was. It was literally laid flat like I put gel in it. It stuck to your head. The cap stuck to your head. And that's okay because you have to train your hair to be oily. And also it's healthy and also when you get like when you get three weeks deep and like you like wring out the oil it's like
Starting point is 00:14:18 actually free cooking oil. I've decided I'm gonna start slapping people. Like imagine when you said that I just went like start doing it like I literally give you permission to just like I okay you know those videos of oh my god you know those videos of like people getting getting massive amounts of disgusting, rotting food poured all over them when they're asleep, or gallon buckets of water poured on them, or mustard bottles squirted on them? I gave everyone in my life permission to do that to me,
Starting point is 00:14:57 just when I'm least expecting it. And the other night I fell asleep when everyone was still awake, and I heard Kai mention, he was like we should like mustard we should do it to Drew and I like I like actually like got so fucking angry inside I was like I swear to god if they try to do that shit to me right now I will freak the fuck out. I know every time you keep saying like y'all have permission to do that to me we literally like you can't make noise around Drew when he's asleep He will fall asleep in the middle of all the fun
Starting point is 00:15:25 and then wake up and be like, ugh. Or you do this thing where you toss around really angrily instead of saying anything. Everyone will just be in the living room chatting it up and then I'm like, I just doze off, I fall asleep, and then I get actually angry when people wake me up when I'm the one that's sleeping in the wrong Spot like it's actually like so wrong like I'll storm out of the room. Yeah
Starting point is 00:15:51 I'm not actually angry. It's just like I'm fucking tired and I'm like woken up No, I feel that when we went to that waterfall thing I like it's falling asleep and I was having one of those nights were like for some reason I think usually I'm pretty good at that like if I fall asleep around people I like usually don't make a fuss or say anything about it because I can literally sleep through anything but in on this like in Big Sur I was falling asleep and they we all fell asleep watching something on the TV and I was like turn it off turn it Like, Josh was being really nice
Starting point is 00:16:26 because we had to share, but he was like, do you like, is it the light or is it the noise? I was like, it's the light, both, turn it off. And I was like, turn it off. And like. Turn it off. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. No, and then, Christian was on the other side
Starting point is 00:16:43 of the room eating chips. Oh God. And I was trying so. I know those chips stink like shit. No, actually, Christian was on the other side of the room eating chips. Oh God. And I was trying so. I know those chips stink like shit. No, actually before the chips, him and Lucas were whispering to each other and all I hear was like. Ew.
Starting point is 00:16:54 And I out loud, I was like, all I fucking hear right now is stop. Like, and I said that and then they like just kind of laughed but then stopped. And then I couldn't hear Christian eating his chips and trying so hard to be quiet because it would be like like the worst type of angry is when you're like actually angry and then like the people you're angry at just laugh I was gonna mention Miami like dude that shit was
Starting point is 00:17:25 actually diabolical that was rude I was drunk it's okay it's chill now but like literally I was so mad I snapped it was like my breaking point like I snapped like I was asleep peacefully in the room Inya and Orion had like gone out and I was like I I don't wanna go out to a club tonight, I'm good just hanging out and going to sleep early, whatever. And Inya and Orion stumble in three hours later, I was dead asleep. And they are just literally the loudest I've ever heard them be in my entire life. They were like, it felt like they were like,
Starting point is 00:17:59 let's be as loud as possible to piss off Drew in particular. What's fucked up is I don't remember thinking for a second about the fact that you were sleeping in there. Like, I was just on one. And I like, I tried my hardest. I really did. I like covered my head with my pillow. You were doing-
Starting point is 00:18:13 I did my thrash. I did my- I thrashed a couple times like as a warning sign. It's like literally me like warning y'all. It's like, like I'm about to snap if y'all don't shut the fuck up. And then I just snapped. I don't even remember what I said. You were like, this is literally the meanest thing anyone's ever done to me And then I just laughed it was so mean and I was like wow
Starting point is 00:18:32 I've like actually was like really angry like it was like in my heart angry like seeing red If everyone on the planet Earth decided like any is the one going to the moon. No bitch. I'm killing myself I don't want to go to the moon. There's no one there. There's nothing there I would wholeheartedly I would accept that fully like if someone was like go to the moon I'd be like, yeah, I'm going to the fucking moon with a guarantee I wouldn't explode in space like I would fully go no I don't want that I want like attention for being like hot and funny and like Created you'd be the hot funny creative first. No, I need a fucking nerd on the moon No, you'd funny creative first hot funny creative. No I'd be the fucking nerd on the moon.
Starting point is 00:19:05 No you'd be the first hot funny creative girl on the moon. If I could, okay if I could go to the moon with my tits out I would go to the moon. But you can't do that. Girl you can, in this hypothetical you can. Oh okay then yeah I'm going to the moon. Yeah. We're convincing you to go to the moon like you can have your tits out if you want. I literally can't like I guess if they built a suit with like a shell around my wall
Starting point is 00:19:25 They will free the nipple in our lifetime like the nipple will be free. I believe that Shut your fucking mouth like to think before you speak But basically I don't believe in moon travel Drew has also is commercialized. I don't fuck with billionaires going to the moon. We need to kill these motherfuckers. They're I guess commercialized. I don't fuck with billionaires going to the moon. We need to kill these motherfuckers. There I said it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Starting point is 00:19:46 Literally you're Wendy Williams. I went like, oh, damn. To all of them. Death, death, death to the billionaires. Literally though. Wait, did you actually say that? No, she didn't say to the billionaires. You like really gave a show of me.
Starting point is 00:19:59 I was like, are you? No, I agree though, like kind of. I don't think like we should kill them, but we should like figure something out where they like suffer a little bit. No killing people, I don't know, but like... Girl, we need to lock you up in a cage. Like we need to put you in a corner. It is so unethical to have that amount of money. That much money.
Starting point is 00:20:17 It makes no sense. Like what are you doing with it? And I understand the whole argument like, well, Jeffrey Bezos doesn't actually have that money it's all tied up in stocks well like fuck off like i don't care he shouldn't have the like capability of like pulling that money out yeah if that even makes sense but like literally it's kind of crazy because if he did he would destroy the world like if he was just like one day like i want to liquidate amazon and sell all my stocks like it would actually destroy the world for a little bit. Cause like we are so Amazonified after the pandemic. I know, if I would have said like, go get my cat food,
Starting point is 00:20:50 that would destroy me. Yeah, I'd like to leave the house. The house. Beat the house, that would be- But yeah, billionaires going to space is stupid and I would have loved to watch one of the rockets blow blow up. That would be fucking awesome but then what would happen? Who would take over his spot? Probably some... I think Jeffrey Bezos stepped down like a month ago or some shit like that like he
Starting point is 00:21:15 stepped down from like I don't know I don't care at all truly but he stepped down as a position and I had a theory I was like the Rock gonna blow up, but he's not actually gonna be in the rocket, and he's gonna fake his death and live his life out on some random island. Not you talking about the fucking Shane docification of conspiracy theories, and then sitting here talking about Jeff Bezos faking his death.
Starting point is 00:21:38 He would though, if I was there I would. It sounds like you would, you don't know this man. Yeah I do like we hang out Hey guys, we wanted to take a quick break to thank today's sponsor Shopify Y'all you need to start your business and use Shopify because life before Shopify was a life not worth Living no one does selling better than Shopify. I said it once I'll say it again because life before Shopify was a life not worth living. No one does selling better than Shopify. I said it once, I'll say it again.
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Starting point is 00:23:19 that most of my pleasures are guilty. I'll sit down and watch a two- hour documentary on the most devastating tornado you've ever seen, but I literally don't care because I take care of myself. I take care of my body. I take care of my soul. I take care of my mind. Love looks different for everyone, especially when it comes to the ways you treat and celebrate yourself. Gift yourself the everyday indulgence of extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV.
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Starting point is 00:24:58 I was on full blown demon mode. Like I was evil that night. Yeah, we talked about this before about how we that it was a purge. Like the reason why I was like in purgatory mentally for the past three, four days was because I've been like hungover. And this is why I don't drink often and I can't drink often is because like my hangovers last forever. Like they actually fuck with my brain chemistry and like make me like a zombie of a person. I guess that's literally fucking everybody. I'm not special, but it lasts for days and days and days.
Starting point is 00:25:31 But oh my God, I was on one. I literally didn't have a hangover because I'm a slave vacationer. You are a slave. I literally, after drinking, I will come home, shower, wash my face, go to bed, wake up, eat, slay. When I come home after a night of drinking, I find rotten watermelons. I break them on the floor of the kitchen and put my feet in them and play in it. And that's not a joke.
Starting point is 00:25:56 We'll add a picture and some video. And then I go to the most expensive house in LA and try to sneak in and almost get my ass beat by the security guards and then I tell everybody pulling up to the party like don't go up there they're having demon blood orgies like it's really evil sinister shit like don't do it and yeah it's just like really really dark shit like I don't know what goes on in my brain when I'm drunk but I like, I'm a different person. I think I just didn't get that drunk. We had free bottles of Azul. I was literally chugging that shit.
Starting point is 00:26:33 I know. Dude, ew. I get the idea of people pouring shots in someone's mouth and it being a sexy thing, but literally I am not sexy in that way. I'm like, don't fucking do that. I'm going to get acid reflux and I did. I literally got acid reflux and I was like about to throw up and I'm like thank you. Oh my god, like literally like no offense but I was a super spreader that night. Like I was pouring that bottle into everyone's mouth. Luckily you were first and Denzel was
Starting point is 00:27:01 second, but like I was pouring it into everyone's mouth. Like anybody who like, oh my God, I need to talk about this, but if you have a bottle in the club, you actually get harassed. I was touched in ways I can't describe. And it was wrong. It was wrong in every sense of the word. What I wanted to say about the Olympics is like, it actually is fucking hilarious to me how like,
Starting point is 00:27:28 we've literally been doing this since like the dawn of like human consciousness. It's the most like, human shit ever. It's so primal, like we literally like, since the Colosseum, we've just been like fucking like, flipping around and running around. Like running and like chanting for our country. Like that shit's so funny.
Starting point is 00:27:44 Like really think about it like we've been like we're just so human you know like the Olympics is the most human shit ever. It really is like primal like animal like animal instinct to be like competition. Run! Yeah. Jump! Like I'm better than you and I'm gonna prove that I'm better than you and I'm the best in the world. And like then I watch it and like my animal brain turns on and I eat that shit up every fucking time. No matter the event, I'm like, yes, go, win. And it's also like, whoever wins.
Starting point is 00:28:15 I'm like, you won. I knew you were gonna win that shit. That's your worst, I mean, you're like, oh no, I knew it. No, I knew it. I was thinking about that already. I knew it. No, I knew it. I was thinking about that already. Like, I knew it. No, no. I know.
Starting point is 00:28:27 That's a huge insecurity of mine. And every time I say it, I'm like, why did I say that? But I literally do. I literally do think it. And then before, I just don't say it. And then you say it, or someone else says it. Literally, it's a pride thing. I think it stems down to pride.
Starting point is 00:28:41 And I'm like, I wish I said that. Or like a jealousy thing, because everybody got a laugh from it. And I'm like, I wish I said that. like a jealousy thing because everybody got a laugh from it and I'm like I wish I said that because I did know that and I did say that. Well you are intelligent and amazing and you should just start speaking your mind. I do know a little about a lot. But you know what the problem is because you're a dumb little ass let's things like balls of my mouth come out instead of other things instead of saying like the intellectual thoughts you have you're like balls in my mouth
Starting point is 00:29:02 because it's way better it's way better. You're like balls in my mouth because it's way better it's way better you're like balls in my mouth no one wants another smart person everybody wants a clown that was deep that was deep literally me when i showed up to the party but i do when i show up to a party that i'm in my two i'm like they didn't want another hot girl they wanted a silly girl someone made a tiktok that really struck a nerve with me and they were like, I used to in life be like, I'm not the hottest girl, but I'm the funniest girl. And then I get on this app and I see the hottest,
Starting point is 00:29:34 funniest people in the world. And I'm like, oh, so there's combo meals. Choose one, choose one. There's literally combo meals out there running around. And here I am. You can't be both funny and hot it's not fair It's not yeah, I know I mean honestly Look at us like we're both funny. Don't fucking touch me. We're both funny and hot. I don't um I would consider myself like
Starting point is 00:29:56 Pretty and like when I when I put all my driving force into it. I could be hot Yeah, I agree and it for me agree me, yeah I think you're a hot person. Okay. And I want to bed you. And for me, everyone calling me hot has done absolutely nothing for me. I thought it would be good for me. I thought I'd be like oh finally like I am attractive. But no, like I still think I'm the ugliest. Well now it just sets an expectation. The best thing to ever happen to me was Josh's vlogs and seeing how fucking ugly I can look on camera and I was like, oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:30:32 Yeah, I don't have to be hot all the time. Like I am a person. Yeah, and I was like that was a very humbling and like grounding experience because before that all the content of me was like stuff I had filmed. Perfect angles. Yeah, like perfect lighting and then like there's specifically one clip of me was like stuff I had filmed. Perfect angles, perfect lighting. Yeah, like perfect lighting and then like there's specifically one clip of me in one of Josh's vlogs that I was like, I am just a person, huh? I'm just a simple... I'm not Carly Jenner. I'm, oh I am for sure no
Starting point is 00:31:03 Carly Jenner. I'm silly. Who's Carly Jenner? I'm a Karlie Jenner. I'm I oh I am for sure. No Karlie Jenner I'm silly Who's Karlie Jenner? I'm a silly Billy who the fuck is Karlie Jenner your mom bitch There's no one named Karlie Jenner and my mom's name is not Karlie Jenner I'm really confused by this and it's starting to irk me. You're so fucking stupid. What is Karlie Jenner? No your credit score. Oh, I had to update. My credit score is awesome. It's back to normal. Yes, a five. And I just want to say that is further proof that that shit is not fucking real.
Starting point is 00:31:35 And guess what? To get it back to normal, I didn't pay my goddamn gynecologist bill and I'm not going to pay it. That's a lie. I really need a pap smear. Someone did leave... I'll do it. Someone did leave a comment. When we were leaving and I was like, I think the house is gonna blow up. I was not kidding. And I was like, I was so sure and I came and I jiggled all the knobs to make sure they were off. And I was like, I didn't take a picture of it. So like, it's probably you think it was because we like deep cleaned and I was like touching
Starting point is 00:32:01 all the knobs. No, it's just sometimes like it like I get an itch in the back of my brain and I'm convinced that like I left it on and the house is gonna burn and like as well as gonna die. You should maybe like get that looked at. No. That's why it doesn't sound healthy. No, my chlorophyll fixes it. You shouldn't be living like that. I'm like I take chlorophyll, like it's chill. You shouldn't be living like that.
Starting point is 00:32:18 No, the door locking thing is a problem. Like it literally, everyone always makes fun of me that I can't leave the house on time, but it's because I have to like on top of just- You wash your hands 63 times. You lock the door three times. You come back and you're like, oh, I need to wash my hands because I just locked the door. And then you're like, oh, I need to go pee
Starting point is 00:32:37 because if I have to go pee when I'm out, like I have to go in the public bathroom and there's germs, but it's just like a problem. But the public bathroom is good if you've eaten because you have to wash your hands after you eat. Not me. Not me. Not anybody else. Not before or after. Never. Men don't wash their hands. No, bitch. People don't fucking talk about that. Men do not wash their hands and it is so nasty. No. They're like, I didn't have to wipe. I'm like, bitch, you literally have to grab your balls. Literally, my penis, I'm sorry,
Starting point is 00:33:05 this is gonna be really graphic, but my penis goes in mouths. Like, I don't have to wash my hands after I touch my wiener. Like, I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You said mouths, and because it, like, are you treating a mouth like a fucking dishwasher for your dick?
Starting point is 00:33:23 Like, is that what you're alluding to right now? Just saying it's not dirty. I would hope it's not dirty before it goes in something. Mom, don't watch this episode. Mom. You're whispering. Mom. That is fucking gross. Men don't wash their balls, they don't wash their hands. I wash my balls and I wash my hands. Occasionally.
Starting point is 00:33:43 I wash my hands. Both getting occasionally. I wash my hands. Both get an occasionally. I wash my hands. No, they don't. Because. No, I fake wash my hands. The hand soap lasts way too long in our house. I fake wash my hands. I'm going to be honest. I turn on the sink and I make it sound like I'm washing my hands in the no-be. As if your mom's outside like listening. No, literally everybody's done that. I swear to God. I have never done that in my life. I washed my fucking hands. No, actually, well because for me- You've never fake washed your hands?
Starting point is 00:34:13 No, you know what happens is if I try to do a quick wash, I'll get really insecure and I'll be like, my hands are so fucking dirty. And I'll do like a quick wash and then I'll be like, dry my hands off and try to leave the bathroom. And then the back of my brain is like, if you don't fucking wash your hands right now, you're probably gonna die. And I'm like like dry my hands off and try to leave the bathroom and then the back of my brain is like if You don't fucking wash your hands right now You're probably gonna die and I'm like, oh my god, and then I'll turn it like I like deep wash them
Starting point is 00:34:29 I know there is someone out there watching this that has fake wash their hands along with me They just you just turn on the water you run it and then you turn it off and then you leave the room You don't even get like no you don't even get your hands wet cuz it's annoying because then you have to fucking dry your hands off. There's a towel for your hands. Yeah, but the towel's dirty because it's been washed a hundred times with other hands. No, because the hands that are wiping off on the towel are clean. Have you ever heard of mold? Have you ever heard of mold? There's mold. I'm convinced our house is full of mold constantly. I swear to God I watched one fucking video about like indoor allergies and mold and people were like... You're so fucking annoying. Drew got seasonal allergies and he was like there's mold in the walls.
Starting point is 00:35:17 I've never had allergies in my entire life and then all of the sudden I come in I don't have allergies when I'm outside but then I come inside and immediately I have a sniffy nose and my nose itches. Your fucking room is dusty. When's the last time you wash your sheets? I don't wash my hands you think I wash my sheets? No I don't wash my wiener. You think I wash my seats? Guys this is all jokes. This is all jokes. I need to make that clear. Did you know that SpongeBob actually was like filmed in the bikini box? Did you know that SpongeBob was practical? It was real. All of that shit was real.
Starting point is 00:35:53 I just don't know what camera they filmed on because that shit looked like a cartoon. Like I don't know how the fuck they did that. No, it was the famous kids camera off of Amazon. Oh really? Yeah. That's actually fucking crazy because I literally remember watching that as a kid and was just like, remember, like I was just like, how the fuck
Starting point is 00:36:09 did they film this? Does they make this look like this? And especially underwater. And who's the character? Who's playing? If I had a heart attack, I'd like to think that like I would trend and that would be like a good thing on Twitter for me. Yeah Yeah, no, I don't have Twitter. So I don't know if I turn on Twitter
Starting point is 00:36:28 So maybe I get like a lot of reposts on like IG story. Yeah, no, I would definitely be I definitely Milk your death like crazy and you have all my permission to we honestly I honestly don't know how I would react No, I feel like we're not the kind of people to like grief publicly like that and intensely, which is kind of annoying because like my lifelong goal is to get like as much attention as possible and the idea that like when I pass my friends won't be like, but literally on the internet talking about me all the time 24-7. It's kind of annoying but like kind of beautiful because like I know I'm like... You're still loved. You're still loved. I want public love. Like people are like, no that still loved. You're still loved behind closed doors. I want public love.
Starting point is 00:37:05 People are like, no, that's toxic. You shouldn't be possessive and want people to be jealous and angry with you. No, I want all of my friends to know that if they lost me, it would be the greatest, whether I just stopped being their friends or I. Sorry, I thought, I left the front door open. If we get, if a stranger comes in.
Starting point is 00:37:23 That's good. Whether if it's Josiah or a stranger, I don't know how long that cut is or how weird it was. It jumped. But if it jumped, it's because we were getting a knock at the door and I thought it was Josiah
Starting point is 00:37:36 and it actually pissed me off so much because we told him to be quiet and I was ready to go down there and be a mean older sister and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I told you to shut the hell up when you came here. But it was the mailman. And then this is kind of weird.
Starting point is 00:37:48 I got a poster delivered, so it was like a circular object. And he did, we did have sex, and we did use it like a dildo. So that was weird, but like- No, y'all didn't. Yeah, we did. No one knows, I was gone for a long time.
Starting point is 00:38:03 You were gone for like seven seconds. I'm a quick girl. One of my favorite videos to laugh at because it will never not be funny is James Charles. Not enough people talk about that collection of videos, but that is actually the best thing, the best content he ever made. collection of videos, but that is actually the best thing, the best content he ever made. Dude, that and the one with him singing with the Lopez brothers dancing in the background, actually dystopian, like. No, that is also, that is the person who did all of that
Starting point is 00:38:35 and then was like in the middle of the Grand Canyon singing. Like. I mean, James Charles like is so effortlessly funny and it's unfair because everything he does makes me laugh. No, and it's, no, what makes it so funny is like, it's like very serious. Like he thought him singing in the middle of that canyon was like ethereal.
Starting point is 00:38:54 Like it was like, it was like, this is, he watched that video back and he was like, oh, are you kidding me? Like that was everything. Dude, if you can right now, literally open up a separate tab and look up James Charles, Coachella Beyonce. That person, I'm not kidding,
Starting point is 00:39:13 that is like the least rhythmically inclined human on this planet. I like, and I stand by that. Yeah, period, point blank, period, everything. It's just so, like it's so perfectly imperfect like there's so so many good bad things about it it's like like I think I've said this before but like I actually enjoy watching bad movies more than good movies because like you literally don't have to focus on it you just fucking laugh and
Starting point is 00:39:39 make fun of it yeah like that's purely what those James Charles dancing videos are for me is it's just like So bad, I can't look it's like cocoa melon It turns off my brain. I Was sitting in class and the principal came up and or the vice principal. I think it was a vice principal I fucking hated him And I hope he has like a hemorrhoid or something really annoying right now cuz I fucking hate him, but he Came and he was like... I'm going to eat that hemorrhoid like a jelly bean.
Starting point is 00:40:07 I just want to bite it off. I love biting hemorrhoids. You know what I'm talking about when you get the hemis. The little jelly beans around the edge and you just pull them off, like bite them with your front teeth. Bloody. Bloody hemorrhoids. No, keep going. The hemorrhoid.
Starting point is 00:40:36 Like, you were gonna keep going. I was not gonna say anything. But basically, I got pulled out of French class and they were like, come down to the office. And I was like, what the fuck did I do? I go down to the office and I was like the fuck did I do I Go down to the office and they have my fucking vine playing on the computer I was like oh my god and I think someone at the school snitched on me because I was like I was like you motherfuckers don't know about mine because People at my school didn't like care about mine And then I heard through the grapevine that someone had snitched on me so one of the like
Starting point is 00:41:01 motherfuckers who like lose or one of those nerd ass motherfuckers who worked in the office I was like bitch fuck you you're a hater um but yeah I got suspended for a week and that's actually how my dad found out about my vine account yeah and that was a nightmare because I was like on there screaming about Nile Horan being shirtless being a fucking Thornberry dude literally that reminded me of Probably the most trouble I had gotten in in my entire life was from my Twitter account, so I Yeah, I had a reef tank like a coral reef like I had a bunch of beautiful coral a bunch of like really expensive fish like it was like my pride and joy and I had a bunch of beautiful coral, a bunch of really expensive fish.
Starting point is 00:41:45 It was my pride and joy. And obviously with that, you have to test the water chemistry. So I had this set of chemicals that you get samples of water and you put it in there. And it legitimately looks like... Breaking bad vibes. Breaking bad vibes.
Starting point is 00:42:05 Like it looks gnarly. It looks like I'm making meth with this fucking kit. So like obviously my like young ass fucking 15 year old brain is like, oh like I'm gonna make a banger tweet. So I take a picture of it and I post it on my Twitter account and I'm like cooking meth bringing some to school tomorrow who wants it and like like just like the most psycho shit and sure enough I know who fucking snitch on me I'm not gonna say their name and I'm sure they're fucking listening to this because they were like my biggest hater fan and they they're they're a grown-ass fucking man bitch I fucking hate you and I hope your house burns down with your family inside.
Starting point is 00:42:52 No, he ruined my life. I was literally mean to that lady the other day for no reason in the car. And I was like, is she honked at me? And you were like, because you scared her. And I was like, yeah, I fucking scared her because she has two more days to live. Fuck that bitch. And I had like the meanest dick ever Haha Dude literally no We were like at dinner and you started it bitch
Starting point is 00:43:12 Yeah I was just like I don't know how I started it Dude you just started it by being really loud about nothing You were just like Oh yeah I would just like just randomly just laugh as loud as fucking possible Like I'd be like Like really really fucking loud It's like not funny to anyone but I it's like cringy probably but I just do that really fucking loud and it like makes me crack up
Starting point is 00:43:33 it's like bassy too it's like it's not something you hear it's something you feel like it's like a feeling one of the reasons we started this is because the couple the older couple next to us... Like, actually, if anybody has... I could probably look this up and it's like, I don't need to be asking this. But we went to BCD Tofu House and someone put beer into their rice. And I was like, I'm so intrigued by that.
Starting point is 00:44:01 Like, I don't know why they did that. And I didn't ask and I didn't Google it because I'm a piece of shit. And I just like, want to know. And if I don't know, then I guess I'll never know like I don't know like why they did that and I didn't ask and I didn't Google it cuz I'm A piece of shit, and I just like want to know and if I don't know then I guess I'll never know I'll never know but Just making the joke that we were like what if we were like so out of touch and just like No, what is that for that looks gross? Why are you doing that? I just like really out of like super like so definitely like oh you're not like you're not supposed to be doing that like actually. That's bad.
Starting point is 00:44:28 No. And we were just like cracking, sorry my car is literally overriding to turn off. Um and we were just cracking up from that and then oh from us laughing from that this like couple was on like what was very obviously a first date and this like white. Maybe a second date. Yeah, maybe a second date and the white girl of the duo was like giving us death stares from us laughing It's up and down so like We were just like okay. We'll fucking look back so we like we're making that face. We're just like I was looking at everybody in the
Starting point is 00:44:59 Like I was trying to make eye contact with everybody It was so funny when you scanned and you were like, I literally just looked everyone in here in the eye. No, it was crazy. I had never felt the way I felt that night. And I was making full eye contact with people and looking them up and down like. And they were probably like, dude, who is this?
Starting point is 00:45:22 Why is he judging me like this? And for some reason, we were hella focused on the TV. Like, if we weren't doing that, we were dead silent watching TV. And all the TV was was commercials for the restaurant we were in. Celebrities love BCD tofu. Hey guys, we wanted to take another break to thank one of our sponsors today. Zuck Duck. Y'all, I recently chipped my tooth on a pickle. to take another break to thank one of our sponsors today, ZocDoc. Y'all, I recently chipped my tooth on a pickle. We know this.
Starting point is 00:45:50 And guess where I went to get it fixed? I used ZocDoc to find my dentist. And I'm not kidding, I've been so scared to go to the dentist in LA because I love the hometown, homey feeling of my dentist in Granbury, but the office I found is full of saints. They're like the sweetest people ever. It had wholesome energy.
Starting point is 00:46:10 They were all so nice. And I literally wouldn't have found them without ZocDoc. Found out I have like three cavities, two chipped teeth, a bad filling from my old dentist, and it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg to get fixed, but it's gonna get fixed. And I'm a leg to get fixed, but it's going to get fixed and I'm going to go more regularly because of ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network
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Starting point is 00:47:07 zocdoc.com slash intercom. Hey guys, I wanted to take a quick break to thank another sponsor of today's episode, Quince. Y'all, even though I enjoy luxury goods, like we all know this about me, you can look at me and tell like I'm very high value, very luxurious, like it's all over my face, it's my aura, I have a luxurious aura, we all know this. Until I discovered Quince. Quince offers a range of high quality items at prices within reach, like 100% cashmere sweaters from $50, washable silk tank tops and dresses,
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Starting point is 00:48:21 Anyways, give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince. Go to quince.com slash intercom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. But basically, and then Drew's doing that, and I like, to him, I was like, what if I did this, but I just ended up doing it anyway. I was like, no, but what if I did this, and like, she was sitting here next to me, and I like turned and I was like, and like turned back to Drew. Like, looked her up and down. Also, someone's gonna be like, they're fucking bullies. No, but she, they were, I will say she was really pretty.
Starting point is 00:49:07 Like she was, yeah she was really pretty but like she just gave an energy. Like she just gave an off energy and like she was really angry. Like us trying to excuse it. There's no excuse for this behavior. Like something's wrong with this fucking with this fucking stranger. They don't find us being obnoxiously annoying. And also we weren't talking so loud. We were being like... There's no excuse for our behavior. And if you were there, I'm wholeheartedly sorry that you experienced the wrath of Drew and Inyo on one. But we mean no harm by it. We love you.
Starting point is 00:49:43 Yeah, I'm sorry if you're ever caught in the crossfire. Just know like It's fun For me you can talk shit about us like we give you full permission Yeah, everyone can talk shit about us call us annoying We know we are and at the end of the day like I love myself Guys if we should kiss in one episode let us know That's why I'm okay with being a bitter fucking hater because I know a lot of times I'm projecting and I'm a piece of shit and
Starting point is 00:50:06 I'm okay oh look that's sweet they're picking it up oh no they just kicked it assholes oh they're gonna go smoke on the roof I'm literally like where are they going they look like they fucking stink okay not us being like they saw it that was real that was real that was us in lifetime being bitter bullies I swear I wasn't doing that on purpose like they literally do look like they stink They're like two white dudes with flip-flops on if you're wearing thong sandals out as a man You need to go to fucking therapy. You need to figure I know your shit stinks I know you don't cut your toenails and I know your shit stinks period like I know You fucking smell like balls
Starting point is 00:50:47 Just wear slides. Please just wear slides, please also men And yeah has a lot of opinions on men loving themselves no I can't be the only person Straight men like feeling themselves to take you pictures of them so I like, why are you doing that like that like I not I like want a man who is like Confident and like likes himself But I'm like if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie cuz the Sun is on you Or something Yeah, I'm buckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T-bone accident. Because you shouldn't be doing that.
Starting point is 00:51:29 Like, you don't have the fucking New York Times app to be looking at. Why are you looking at yourself? Play chess. Play chess. Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going on there? Who are you texting? I wish I was kidding.
Starting point is 00:51:44 I was in the car with like I I've just been in situations with like Men and I'm like I literally will out loud be like why are you on the phone so much? Who are you texting? I'm like you were so not even that I'm like you were so embarrassing like you You don't want to look outside and like be like what is there to look at in LA? We weren't driving around a concrete jungle Also, maybe like again, I'm projecting because I get car sick, and I can't look at the your jealous You're jealous of what like I can do no you just like as like why the fuck are you looking like what is on there? You're literally
Starting point is 00:52:28 Men should have burners like you don't need an iPhone What do you need an iPhone for if you want to post on IG wait till you get home go have a iPod touch Your burner in your iPod touch with no service if you have a phone with service as a straight man No, like what are you up to like no good like you're up to no good on that. You're either Yeah, you're sexting someone and I don't like that. I was gonna say you're you're sexting someone. No, I just don't like it It's so gross. But yeah, I could go on for days. Inya goes on for days in days and days and days. I just have a lot of opinions about like Straight men. I'm like, oh you you should like. You shouldn't love yourself. That's what she gets at.
Starting point is 00:53:06 No, like you should be confident, but don't take a, like, when a man stops someone, the other, no I won't. I can't be the only person, straight men, like feeling themselves and taking pictures of themselves. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, that, like, I, not to,
Starting point is 00:53:22 I like want a man who is confident and likes himself, but I'm like, if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie because the sun is on you or something, I'm crashing the car. I'm crashing the car. I'm crashing it into the media. I'm crashing it and I'm blaming you.
Starting point is 00:53:37 I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing. Yeah, I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T-bone accident because you shouldn't be doing that. Like, you don't have the fucking New York Times app to be looking at like why are you looking at you play chess? Play chess actually don't be on your phone. I also can't stand like a man who's on his phone so much Like what do you have going on there? Texting I wish I was kidding like I was in the car with like I I've just been in situations with like
Starting point is 00:54:06 Men and I'm like I literally will outlaw be like why are you on the phone so much like who are you texting I'm like you were so not even that I'm like you were so embarrassing like you don't want to look outside and like be like what is there to look at in LA we weren't driving around a concrete jungle concrete jungle that's New York you fucking idiot bitch see if you look at that motherfucker no also maybe like again I'm projecting because I get car sick and I can't look at the you're jealous you're jealous of what like I can do no you just like as like why the fuck are you looking like what is on there stop you're literally I'm kidding men should have burners like you don't need an iPhone
Starting point is 00:54:46 What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on IG wait till you get home Go have an iPod touch Go have an iPad Bring your burner and iPod touch with no service If you have a phone with service as a straight man No like what are you up to? Like no good
Starting point is 00:55:02 Like you're up to no good on that thing You're either You're sexting someone good. You're up to no good on that thing. You're either, yeah. You're sexting someone and I don't like that. I was gonna say, you're sexting someone. No, I just don't like it. It's so gross. But yeah, I could go on for days. Inya goes on for days. In days and days and days. I just have a lot of opinions about straight men.
Starting point is 00:55:18 I'm like, ew, you should like... You shouldn't love yourself. That's what she gets at. No, you should be confident but don't take a... When a man stops someone the other no I will say it is really cringy oh my god yeah yeah like I'm sorry hypocritical it is just like something else no there's something a little funky about a man who's like posting a lot of pictures of himself I'm like a man's ID a straight man's ID shouldn't just be pictures of himself I'm like a man's IG, a straight man's IG shouldn't just be pictured to himself. I'm like something's going on here. Like as a straight man my
Starting point is 00:55:47 IG's all pictured of myself. What did you just call me? As a straight man. So now we're just saying things. Okay as a politician. Yeah I just like you didn't see something on your walk you want to post? Like do you go walking? You didn't see the magnolia tree? You could take didn't see the Magnolia tree? You could take a picture of the Magnolia tree and say, it smells like pussy. It smells like pussy out here, and it's the Magnolia tree. Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Starting point is 00:56:15 The pussy willows. This stinky tree. No, they smell like a sneeze to me. They smell like cum. They smell like cum and sneezes. Tomatoes taste like cum. No one wants to have tomatoes tastes like hum No, I have that saying that because every day my like my go-to like meal right now Anywhere I go like no matter where I am I get or I make it myself a soft scrambled eggs Avocado and slices of tomatoes like it's like all I will eat right now and
Starting point is 00:56:41 Drew said that the other day and I literally was eating my breakfast and I wanted to throw up because I like I chewed on the tomato for too long I was like really getting into it. It's like it's like when you when if you're eating like red meat you can start tasting the farm. We always talk about cock and balls and pussy on here we always make it a point. You can start tasting the farm when you're eating like red meat and also yeah just like they we know it's just a big part of our life cock balls and pussy no we are just like we I can't say I literally the word the P word yeah okay man with a straight Instagram I'm straight as hell I can't this is my girlfriend. Yeah, this is my yeah. No, this is my boyfriend. That's like chill. Yeah, I am straight and don't get it Fucking twisted But yeah, we always bring it to cock and ball somehow but I think that's it for the episode
Starting point is 00:57:43 Maybe we don't have to talk about cock and balls anymore. We can just shut up. I literally have Red Bull in my fucking eye I'm curious to see if maybe one day If I'm ready enough and all that trauma from those terrible trips is gone if I can just like Eat a meal and then smoke and see if it's all good. Yeah, that's actually another thing I always eat before. Like I'll be with someone who like enjoys smoking weed and then they'll be like, oh my God, I'm gonna smoke and then we should order food. And I'm like, no, I'm getting food in me.
Starting point is 00:58:17 And then I can like maybe join. But like. Maybe I'll have a midnight snack with munchies, munchies. I'll have a midnight snack with munchies munchies If you can't tell I feel fucking batshit crazy today, I don't feel normal my most recent bad weed experience was When I was back in Texas
Starting point is 00:58:45 and I was like laying on the couch watching TV and I just had the gnarliest thoughts about like, like we were watching Netflix and I was watching these shows on Netflix and I was like, I was like no this is like garbage TV. Like we're watching garbage TV and then we watched, I was like we, I was like we have to turn this off. We have to turn this episode off like or we have to turn the show off because it's literally like, it was made by aliens to keep us down or some crazy freaked out thought process. So we switched it and we put on this magic show. And it was like this dude doing-
Starting point is 00:59:22 Which is like the worst thing to switch it to. But it was so confusing because it was like this dude doing it was like the worst thing to switch it to. But it was like it was so confusing because it was like this dude doing magic but I couldn't tell if it was like a joke or if it was real or what and I just kept saying that out loud and I kept like audibly being like no no like no like turn this off and I just kept going into these thoughts about like how like like this is gonna like I literally sound psycho, but I was like, dude, TV is made to keep the population at bay, just like the most fucking smoke. That's literally what everybody thought in the 80s. Yeah, exactly, the most smoke thoughts you can ever have.
Starting point is 00:59:56 And I was like, this is why I don't do, this is why I don't smoke or take edibles, because I literally cannot remember the last good experience I had. And even, I don't know I don't know I don't care but like literally I could just go on shut the fuck up whatever but I'm like not anti weed because I know it does help a lot of people but like for me personally I'm like it's it was made by the devil like literally and it's trying to kill me constantly you're like it's trying to kill me when the only person who could put it in you is you exactly
Starting point is 01:00:33 no the weed it controls people I think fuck I was just thinking oh that reminded me of um when I went to Texas for that fun party we went to. What was that party I went to Texas for? My brother's funeral. That was the event of the year. You could eat anything when you're famished and you might as well be eating at a Michelin Star restaurant. Literally. You could feed me the 7-Eleven rotisserie taquitos
Starting point is 01:01:08 when I'm hungry, and I'll be like... This is the best food ever, but I will say those are the best food probably ever made. I never had the taquitos, but I used to fuck up the chicken wings, but I was like a chicken wing monster when I ate them. We just had this conversation two days ago, but I can't a chicken wing monster when I ate chicken. We just had this conversation like two days ago, but like I can't do bone and meat at all.
Starting point is 01:01:29 Like boner meat, ay! I can't. I can't do bone and meat. Cause when you're eating the. When you're eating the bone. Yeah, exactly. It's a little gay. Like I can't do that. I can't suck bones.
Starting point is 01:01:52 No, because like when you're eating bone and meat one, it's on the bone, which I shouldn't fucking see bones ever in my life. That's so sinister. Until the tendons, the tendons and the fat when you bite into that shit, it is like eating fucking rubber bands. It's the best taste ever. That's why I love like squid and octopus and like oxtail and like pig's feet because it's all like fatty like like tendons and it's like it's the most
Starting point is 01:02:20 like primal. It literally is like a cultural thing I think actually though. But no, I literally like that is what makes me like in the most like, let me clarify this is the most Joe Rogan shit you'll ever say. I am not vegetarian because I'm like, yas, like save the planet. Like, of course, I'm like, yas, I do my part. But I am in any any like health thing I'm in, it's for vanity and that's it. Purely. Never get it twisted.
Starting point is 01:02:48 I don't have a hydroflask because I'm like, don't waste plastic. I have a hydroflask because if I don't have a hydroflask, I won't drink water and then I won't be pretty. Of course, God bless that I'm helping the world while I try to be pretty in little ways. But it is never... I'm not skipping out on straws. Like I will take a straw because I don't want my teeth to be yellow. Also, straws aren't the things that are killing the turtles.
Starting point is 01:03:12 The things that are killing the turtles are fucking nuts. And a lot of people would be like, oh my God, did you switch from being a vegetarian? Cancel overfishing. Because you saw that, no, I'm sorry. Like that is not my duty. Like. That's not my job, It's the corporation's job.
Starting point is 01:03:25 We need to, it's the scientist's job to figure out how to get us lab-grown meat. Would you eat lab-grown meat? Yeah, cause that's what like plant-based meat is. That's basically like lab-grown. Would you? No. Would I take lab-grown meat in my hole? No, I didn't.
Starting point is 01:03:41 I thought that's what you were gonna say. Wait, it was basically what I was going to say. I can't say it because it's so gnarly. It's really, it's really naughty. Should I just say it? Yeah. Would you fuck lab-grown pussy? I mean, that's a test tube, baby.
Starting point is 01:03:57 Okay, no, pause, because lab-grown pussy would hit like, crazy. Alien, like alien versus predator pussy. I guess actually lab-grown dick would literally, they can make it do the twirls at the little And it could suck We could add a little attachment you could shape it like the rabbit toy. Yeah, like an extra mouth to be like You can tell a lot about a person If they put the cart back, yeah Yeah, that like that That like really says all you
Starting point is 01:04:27 need to know. There's another one of those where it's like, okay, like if you put your cart back, you're like a fairly like moral person. You care about the well-being of others, but if you like leave it in the middle of the thing, you literally don't give a shit and you're a narcissist and you care about yourself and no one else. Or you're in a rush, but yeah. But I mean, like I've been in rush situations and I always put the card out. Oh no, you're like the most moral grounded person ever.
Starting point is 01:04:51 Keep going though. I T, like thank you, thank you. I feel like I am, so thank you. No, there's another one where it's like... You were gonna say something stupid. You were literally gonna say something so fucking stupid. No, go. What were you gonna say? Like, as a man, it's my duty to make the girl come four times.
Starting point is 01:05:22 Hahaha That wasn't even in line with like This is the type of person I am you know Oh you're so nice you make girls squirt and stuff You make sure your girls squirts Yeah we should just talk about how we missed the first two weeks of lockdown We should move on But like Azul is eating my goddamn plant. Motherfucker.
Starting point is 01:05:49 She was. Did she chomp on it big time? No, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Actually, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Like this is actually like the saddest day of my goddamn life. Oh no. Is it bad?
Starting point is 01:06:03 Yes, we're leaving the same. It's not the worst. We'll just put it, we'll watch. It's not, it're leaving the same. It's not the worst. We'll just put it, we'll watch her. It's not, it's not the worst, it's not the worst. Oh no! Oh! We'll just keep it here for the rest of the episode. We'll watch her. I'm gonna fucking vomit. Stop!
Starting point is 01:06:19 I'm actually gonna vomit. Stop, Drew! Well, Azul's also gonna vomit, so that's the good news. Dude, oh my God! He ate, no, Inya, this is all him. Stop true. Well, it was also gonna vomit. So that's the good news Dude, oh my god. He ate no in yet. This is all him. I didn't even that's all him He was eating the fuck out of that like a fucking snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna spank the shit out of them How much was this the way too much was this the way too much I'm gonna get a spray to like spray around that area the couch so that it's all good it shouldn't have been there anyways like I knew he was gonna do it but that motherfucker Thanks for watching!

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