Emergency Intercom - Best of emergency intercom episodes 1-10
Episode Date: March 21, 2025Something sweet for the kids… See yall next Friday !!!!!! Upgrade your selling today and sign up for your $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/intercom. Get 20% off your first order at... https://liquidiv.com and use code EMERGENCY at checkout. Find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today at https://zocdoc.com/intercom. Go to https://Quince.com/intercom for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan.
You know, for texting and stuff.
And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan,
you're not with Fizz.
Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.
When you get into an Escape Plug-in Hybrid, you get the perfect mix.
You can chill in electric mode, turn it up in gas mode,
or get the best of both in hybrid mode.
Choose how you move in the all-in-one Escape.
And right now, get a $3,000 rebate on the Escape Plug-in Hybrid
and all 2025 Escape models.
For details, visit your Toronto Area Ford store or ford.ca. He will never leave us alone. You don't see how the birds sing to you. Annali Ashford and Dennis Quaid star.
I am not responsible for what my dad did.
This going how you hoped?
Happy Face, new series now streaming exclusively on Paramount+. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar. I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar.
I'm gonna be a fucking liar. be like you're a fucking liar. Not that we feel invincible no one's gonna kill me. Exactly. I'm not being
killed by accident. Yep. And that's that on that I'm not gonna go into depth but
it's just like I think we can infer what you mean. Like not in like a scary way
because I don't want to scare anyone or like trigger anyone or like make anyone
feel uncomfortable but like I remember this is a conversation I had with a friend when we first met and we had a debate about this
Where I was like no fucking murderer is going to murder me bitch
I see you coming and I feel like I have no other option
I'm doing the job because I'm not giving you the satisfaction of you're not getting off on killing
Yeah, no one is getting off on killing me. Not even the universe. So if I gotta do what I gotta do,
I'm gonna do what I gotta do.
I'm gonna cycle my body back to earth.
But what I was saying is like,
I'm not gonna die from the vaccine.
And if for some reason in 30 years,
my blood starts clotting,
I'm going to survive and I'm going to sue
and I'm gonna get my bag
and I'm gonna to sue and I'm going to get my bag and I'm going to distribute
my wealth.
You slay.
The most insane hypothetical ever.
Like, okay, girl.
Y'all see the rich.
The way I take hypotheticals so serious, like sometimes we're close to ending our relationship over hypotheticals so serious. Like sometimes like we're close to ending our relationship
over hypothetical.
And it's literally cause of me being like,
I don't believe in aliens and Drew will literally
throw a fit.
Like I will never see this man as angry as me
disagreeing with the hypothetical.
And he gets so mad cause I just, I can't get into it.
I'm like, I am grounded in reality.
It's because you're disagreeing with everything at my core. It's like
It's like you literally just disagree with me as a person.
Did I tell you about one time me and Orion were out for drinks and
It was with Josh too
And it's the hypothetical of marrying Harry Styles or Tiffany Chalamet on the spot came up and I said I wouldn't do that
I was like, I don't know them. I was like not only
on the spot came up and I said I wouldn't do that. I was like I don't know them.
I was like not only do you not like,
at my core I don't believe in marriage
because it's fucking insane.
I'm not marrying anyone, not even the love of my life
at any point in my life.
So why would I marry this random?
You literally got married.
Huh?
You wish we got married.
You tried it.
See, like I said, not even my platonic soul mate
can bag me.
No one is getting me to sign those stupid fucking papers.
And then she got really, really mad.
She had so upset at me.
I'm about to get upset at you right now.
Like, okay, first of all, I don't think and this is a big tape.
I don't think sexually we would have good chemistry.
Me and Harry or me and Timothy Chalamet.
Could you imagine us kissing?
No, I literally cannot even imagine. chemistry and Harry or me and Timothy Shalmey. Could you imagine us kissing?
No, I literally cannot even imagine.
Those are just two men that like,
I don't think biologically we could get it going anyways.
So I'm not wearing that.
I'm not doing that to myself.
I'm fucking Harry Styles.
There are two, they are so disconnected from reality.
In my head, I cannot comprehend that they are living beings, let
alone having to have some sort of like relationship with them like that.
Like maybe Timothy on like a friendly level, but even that, like I crack up at his existence,
not because I find him like corny or anything, but people at that level literally make me
laugh.
It's like Kylie Jenner.
Like if I saw Kylie Jenner, if Kylie Jenner came up to me and just started talking to me I would crack the fuck up.
I'm like you're you're not real. Like there is no comprehending someone and also
because I just think about like sometimes when our followers meet us and
they're like I can't believe like I'm looking at you right now. Like that with
Timothee Chalamet with Harry Styles Styles, I have like put it, that man
is a god in your brain. No, he is a fucking 3D render. Like he's not a real human. Like
I've fascinated about his existence since I was literally, yeah, his fucking cock since
I was like 14. So therefore his cock does not exist. Actually, I literally can't look at anyone
and see their genitals.
Like my biggest thing is like.
Where are you going?
I don't know.
Now I'm just ranting.
But like, no, you know how like some people like
look at someone.
Wait.
No, listen, you know how some people look at someone
and they like can sexualize someone?
I cannot sexualize anyone for the life of me.
Like I genuinely, I have to, whoa.
I can.
I have to get to know someone first.
And then I'm like, oh, maybe, maybe.
But I don't, I don't find people sexy.
Like I'm not, like I find women sexy, but like men,
I'm like, can you fucking get the fuck out of my face?
But that's a difficult question.
Damn.
Okay. I just have to get a man to know a man first because
men like off rip or so gross. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Yeah. And then when you get
to know them, it's like, okay, stinky. I kind of like you. Okay, stinky. Okay. Onion powder.
You know what onion powder? I kind of like you. But yeah, that's my rant about not being able to
imagine myself marrying Timothy Chalamet or Harry Styles. I'd have sex with both of them.
I mean, we could talk about how I know for 1000% fact
that I can cross the big red balls in Wipeout
without a doubt if they put them in front of me right now,
I would literally go so beast mode.
You just say you couldn't carry a gallon of milk
and you think you're crossing those balls?
I'm crossing those balls with zero effort.
Like I'm just running like a robot across.
Like literally that's all you have to do
is just run across like these bitches
have the wrong strategy when they dive onto it.
Like yeah, of course you're gonna fucking fly off.
Like it's simple physics. It's literally like I have it all worked out in my brain like this
well then apply to be on fucking wipeout I don't think it's the hardest thing in
the world no I'm literally gonna rent them for myself just to prove it to
myself I would love that because I would love to try I'm that's my next video is
like literally where you gonna rent that you're acting like it's that fucking
that sky zone you have to like I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. I figured everything out
Sometimes when Drew's in my passenger seat talking in the car
I genuinely feel like there's an automated like AI machine trying to make something to relate to me
Yeah, it's just missing cuz I'm like, what are you
talking about?
Okay, I just want to see a building fall. It's poetic
almost. It's like the destruction of humanity post
capitalism, like buildings falling. It's beautiful. And I
have a
literally every TikTok, the post capitalist ramifications of the
depopification.
Yeah, literally.
But I just think seeing a building fall
would hit a spot in me that needs to be hit.
Yeah, I get that because I was like-
It would be beautiful, like literally.
That was like when we lived in 1304
and we like all had like a very unhealthy.
So basically-
No, don't even talk about it.
Don't, it's bad.
It's bad.
Like that's something that stays between-
We wanted to see buildings get like basically blown up.
But like, again, no one inside.
We just like, it's just like wanting to see
that kind of thing.
It's just like, I want to see that.
Just destruction and chaos.
Like literally for the longest time, I just wanted chaos.
And then I got chaos and I was like
My case and you're like wait, why does that sound fun? Why does that sound lit?
Sounds lit fucking stupid. Yeah
Okay
last bill Alex Bose is
I went to like the get the gynecologist, like, six
— no, dude, it's almost a year ago now.
I went to the gynecologist because I was like, I need to just go get my coochie checked on
because something funky is happening down there.
This discharge looks a little funky.
Funky town is getting a little too funky.
And honestly, like, her discharge did taste weird.
Like.
Funky Town was violating some of the clauses in their bill.
But yeah, it was itchy, itchy, stink, stink.
Ah, that's the scary part.
It didn't smell different.
That was what was scaring itchy, stings, stings. That's the scary part. It didn't smell different.
That was what was scaring me actually.
But basically I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis
and a yeast infection at the same damn time.
Which is pretty common.
But-
We made sourdough bread in that oven.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
But basically when I went, they were like, oh.
That was a bar, right?
They were like, you have to get tests
to know if you have bacterial vaginosis.
And they were like, well, we have to test this swab
and that the lab tests are gonna run you like $500
because I also don't have health insurance.
And then I was like, hmm, okay.
And they were like, oh, but you could just pay 250 now
and we'll send you the 250 bill later
if that makes you more comfortable.
Well, like when, after we get the test results back,
we'll give you the rest.
And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Because like, one, I don't want to spend $500 right now.
And then two, how the fuck do I know y'all
are actually gonna give me those results?
So I was like, okay, and I spent the 250
and I was like, okay, yeah.
I even have the voice memos that I sent to you
when I was like, I just spent $500
for my pussy to be fucking swabbed.
But,
like the fact that that's a voice memo on my phone.
I need to find it.
Basically, not too long later,
I get a pretty little bill in the mail
and I'm like, oh, this is the 250 I owe.
I opened it, and it's $1,600,
and it doesn't, they gave me an itemized bill.
It doesn't have any late fees on there or anything.
That's, see, that's why you bitches
should have kept your fucking mouth shut.
Letting everyone know that we need,
I like, I wish there was a way for everyone to know
that you needed to get an itemized bill
without the people themself knowing,
like the people who will give you an itemized bill,
because now they know that they're like,
bitch, don't ask any questions,
we're gonna send you the itemized bill,
you can't even ask for it.
But basically I haven't paid that back,
and I'd literally rather my fucking pussy shrivel up
and fall off my body than to go back,
like because I'm not giving y'all any more money.
We're literally just airing out like us
like breaking the law like literally criminals and fugitives because I have a medical bill that
I have insurance like I have insurance and for some reason they keep trying to get me to pay
260 and I'm like evading that bill like fuck y'all I'm not paying that like come for my credit I don't even have a credit score because I will never ever ever ever get a credit score I swear to
girl you say that and so we need to fucking get our own apartments and how the fuck are you gonna
move in you're gonna cosign for me I will I do that for all my friends thank you I I was thinking
about that last night I was like now how the fuck am I gonna get a car in an apartment I was thinking about that last night. I was like now how the fuck am I gonna get a car in an apartment? I was like, I'll just have someone cosign. I literally would cosign I could sign for all my days
I'll take the L cuz I don't cuz I don't believe in that shit. Anyway, I'm like a credit score
Like no, I'm like you can see my credit score, but I don't know if you want to believe that
They say all sorts of lies these days. No, no, no
But yeah, we need to pay
that bill because like that. No, because you're not gonna, we're not gonna be
able to get our own places. Yeah, I know my credit score is not budget. I'm just
gonna have to be like please look like believe in me. Put some faith in me. Have a little trust in me. We should wait until the stock
market crashes, the stock market crashes,
the housing market crashes because it's just been put afloat. They've been prolonging 2008
for so long and then we should just buy houses because there'll be like literally pennies
on the dollar. Like I will buy a $3.1 million home for $1 million and I will get rich in
four years off that house, baby. That's my girl. I don't know anything about that. Anyway,
let's get back to the topic of this fucking podcast. Yeah. The day I wore that Elmer Fudd
orange hat, I was out for ice cream with Mason and Dante and I took it off to talk about
how greasy my hair was. It was literally laid flat like I put gel in it. It stuck to your head. The cap stuck to your head. And that's okay because you have to
train your hair to be oily. And also it's healthy and also when you get like
when you get three weeks deep and like you like wring out the oil it's like
actually free cooking oil. I've decided I'm gonna start slapping people. Like imagine when you said that I
just went like start doing it like I literally give you permission to just
like I okay you know those videos of oh my god you know those videos of like
people getting getting massive amounts
of disgusting, rotting food poured all over them
when they're asleep, or gallon buckets of water poured
on them, or mustard bottles squirted on them?
I gave everyone in my life permission to do that to me,
just when I'm least expecting it.
And the other night I fell asleep
when everyone was still awake, and I heard Kai mention,
he was like we should
like mustard we should do it to Drew and I like I like actually like got so fucking angry inside I
was like I swear to god if they try to do that shit to me right now I will freak the fuck out.
I know every time you keep saying like y'all have permission to do that to me we literally like
you can't make noise around Drew when he's asleep He will fall asleep in the middle of all the fun
and then wake up and be like, ugh.
Or you do this thing where you toss around really angrily
instead of saying anything.
Everyone will just be in the living room chatting it up
and then I'm like, I just doze off, I fall asleep,
and then I get actually angry when people wake me up
when I'm the one that's sleeping in the wrong
Spot like it's actually like so wrong like I'll storm out of the room. Yeah
I'm not actually angry. It's just like I'm fucking tired and I'm like woken up
No, I feel that when we went to that waterfall thing
I like it's falling asleep and I was having one of those nights were like for some reason
I think usually I'm pretty good at that like if I fall asleep around people I
like usually don't make a fuss or say anything about it because I can
literally sleep through anything but in on this like in Big Sur I was falling
asleep and they we all fell asleep watching something on the TV and I was
like turn it off turn it Like, Josh was being really nice
because we had to share, but he was like,
do you like, is it the light or is it the noise?
I was like, it's the light, both, turn it off.
And I was like, turn it off.
And like.
Turn it off.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
No, and then, Christian was on the other side
of the room eating chips.
Oh God. And I was trying so. I know those chips stink like shit. No, actually, Christian was on the other side of the room eating chips. Oh God.
And I was trying so.
I know those chips stink like shit.
No, actually before the chips,
him and Lucas were whispering to each other
and all I hear was like.
Ew.
And I out loud, I was like,
all I fucking hear right now is stop.
Like, and I said that and then they like just kind of laughed
but then stopped.
And then I couldn't hear Christian eating his chips and trying so hard to be quiet
because it would be like like
the worst type of angry is when you're like actually angry and then like the
people you're angry at just laugh I was gonna mention Miami like dude that shit was
actually diabolical that was rude I was drunk it's okay it's chill now but like literally I was so mad
I snapped it was like my breaking point like I snapped like I was asleep peacefully in the room
Inya and Orion had like gone out and I was like I I don't wanna go out to a club tonight, I'm good just hanging out and going to sleep early, whatever.
And Inya and Orion stumble in three hours later,
I was dead asleep.
And they are just literally the loudest
I've ever heard them be in my entire life.
They were like, it felt like they were like,
let's be as loud as possible to piss off Drew in particular.
What's fucked up is I don't remember thinking for a second about the fact that you were
sleeping in there.
Like, I was just on one.
And I like, I tried my hardest.
I really did.
I like covered my head with my pillow.
You were doing-
I did my thrash.
I did my- I thrashed a couple times like as a warning sign.
It's like literally me like warning y'all.
It's like, like I'm about to snap if y'all don't shut the fuck up.
And then I just snapped.
I don't even remember what I said.
You were like, this is literally the meanest thing anyone's ever done to me
And then I just laughed it was so mean and I was like wow
I've like actually was like really angry like it was like in my heart angry like seeing red
If everyone on the planet Earth decided like any is the one going to the moon. No bitch. I'm killing myself
I don't want to go to the moon. There's no one there. There's nothing there
I would wholeheartedly I would accept that fully like if someone was like go to the moon
I'd be like, yeah, I'm going to the fucking moon with a guarantee
I wouldn't explode in space like I would fully go no
I don't want that I want like attention for being like hot and funny and like
Created you'd be the hot funny creative first. No, I need a fucking nerd on the moon No, you'd funny creative first hot funny creative. No I'd be the fucking nerd on the moon.
No you'd be the first hot funny creative girl on the moon.
If I could, okay if I could go to the moon with my tits out I would go to the moon.
But you can't do that.
Girl you can, in this hypothetical you can.
Oh okay then yeah I'm going to the moon.
Yeah.
We're convincing you to go to the moon like you can have your tits out if you want.
I literally can't like I guess if they built a suit with like a shell around my wall
They will free the nipple in our lifetime like the nipple will be free. I believe that
Shut your fucking mouth like to think before you speak
But basically I don't believe in moon travel
Drew has also is commercialized. I don't fuck with billionaires going to the moon. We need to kill these motherfuckers. They're
I guess commercialized. I don't fuck with billionaires going to the moon.
We need to kill these motherfuckers.
There I said it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Literally you're Wendy Williams.
I went like, oh, damn.
To all of them.
Death, death, death to the billionaires.
Literally though.
Wait, did you actually say that?
No, she didn't say to the billionaires.
You like really gave a show of me.
I was like, are you?
No, I agree though, like kind of.
I don't think like we should kill them,
but we should like figure something out where they like suffer a little bit.
No killing people, I don't know, but like...
Girl, we need to lock you up in a cage.
Like we need to put you in a corner.
It is so unethical to have that amount of money. That much money.
It makes no sense.
Like what are you doing with it?
And I understand the whole argument like, well, Jeffrey Bezos doesn't actually have that money it's all tied up in stocks well
like fuck off like i don't care he shouldn't have the like capability of like pulling that money out
yeah if that even makes sense but like literally it's kind of crazy because if he did he would
destroy the world like if he was just like one day like i want to liquidate amazon and sell all my
stocks like it would actually destroy the world for a little bit. Cause like we are so Amazonified after the pandemic.
I know, if I would have said like, go get my cat food,
that would destroy me.
Yeah, I'd like to leave the house.
The house.
Beat the house, that would be-
But yeah, billionaires going to space is stupid
and I would have loved to watch one of the rockets blow blow up. That would be fucking awesome but then what would
happen? Who would take over his spot? Probably some...
I think Jeffrey Bezos stepped down like a month ago or some shit like that like he
stepped down from like I don't know I don't care at all truly but he stepped
down as a position and I had a theory I was like the Rock gonna blow up, but he's not actually gonna be in the rocket,
and he's gonna fake his death and live his life out
on some random island.
Not you talking about the fucking Shane
docification of conspiracy theories,
and then sitting here talking about
Jeff Bezos faking his death.
He would though, if I was there I would.
It sounds like you would, you don't know this man.
Yeah I do like we hang out
Hey guys, we wanted to take a quick break to thank today's sponsor Shopify
Y'all you need to start your business and use Shopify because life before Shopify was a life not worth
Living no one does selling better than Shopify. I said it once I'll say it again because life before Shopify was a life not worth living.
No one does selling better than Shopify.
I said it once, I'll say it again.
I'll say it a third time.
I'll say it a million more times.
Shopify legitimately saved my life.
And I was so like lost
and I didn't know what to do in Texas.
And then I started my business with Shopify
and they got me out.
This podcast wouldn't exist without Shopify.
They saved me.
Shopify is the number one checkout on the planet and the not so secret secret
with ShopPay that boost conversions up to 50%, meaning way less abandoned carts
and way more sales going.
Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Aloe Yoga uses. and way more sales going. Cha-ching, cha-ching.
Oh, we're taking another break to thank one of our sponsors, Liquid IV.
Yay!
Y'all, we all already know
that most of my pleasures are guilty.
I'll sit down and watch a two- hour documentary on the most devastating tornado you've ever
seen, but I literally don't care because I take care of myself.
I take care of my body.
I take care of my soul.
I take care of my mind.
Love looks different for everyone, especially when it comes to the ways you treat and celebrate
yourself. Gift yourself the everyday indulgence of extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV.
Okay, I don't know if I told you all this, but I have been begging Liquid IV to sponsor
us forever because it legitimately is a part of my daily routine and without Liquid IV
I feel lost.
And I feel like a raisin, like a shriveled up raisin like my skin is gonna fall off of my body
without it like I don't play sports I really don't do anything with my life I barely drink enough
water and that's why the liquid ivy is perfect for me obviously the best flavor actually you know
what I've been into acai berry recently but like lemon lime is a classic. Whatever. You literally can't go wrong.
Also all the sugar-free flavors hit like crazy.
Raspberry lemonade, white peach, get it.
But anyways, break the mold and own your ritual.
Just one stick with 16 ounces of water
hydrates better than water alone.
Treat yourself to extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV.
Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use code EMERGENCY
at checkout.
That's 20% off your first order with code EMERGENCY at liquidiv.com.
I was on full blown demon mode.
Like I was evil that night.
Yeah, we talked about this before about how we that it was a purge. Like the reason why I was like in purgatory mentally for the
past three, four days was because I've been like hungover. And this is why I
don't drink often and I can't drink often is because like my hangovers last
forever. Like they actually fuck with my brain chemistry and like make me like a
zombie of a person. I guess that's literally fucking everybody.
I'm not special, but it lasts for days and days and days.
But oh my God, I was on one.
I literally didn't have a hangover
because I'm a slave vacationer.
You are a slave.
I literally, after drinking, I will come home,
shower, wash my face, go to bed, wake up, eat, slay. When I come home after a
night of drinking, I find rotten watermelons. I break them on the floor
of the kitchen and put my feet in them and play in it. And that's not a joke.
We'll add a picture and some video. And then I go to the most expensive house in
LA and try to sneak in and almost get my ass beat
by the security guards and then I tell everybody pulling up to the party like don't go up there
they're having demon blood orgies like it's really evil sinister shit like don't do it
and yeah it's just like really really dark shit like I don't know what goes on in my
brain when I'm drunk but I like, I'm a different person. I think I just didn't get that drunk.
We had free bottles of Azul.
I was literally chugging that shit.
I know.
Dude, ew.
I get the idea of people pouring shots in someone's mouth and it being a sexy thing,
but literally I am not sexy in that way.
I'm like, don't fucking do that.
I'm going to get acid reflux and I did. I literally got acid reflux and I was like about to throw up and
I'm like thank you. Oh my god, like literally like no offense but I was a super spreader that night.
Like I was pouring that bottle into everyone's mouth. Luckily you were first and Denzel was
second, but like I was pouring it into everyone's mouth.
Like anybody who like, oh my God, I need to talk about this,
but if you have a bottle in the club, you actually get harassed.
I was touched in ways I can't describe.
And it was wrong.
It was wrong in every sense of the word.
What I wanted to say about the Olympics is like,
it actually is fucking hilarious to me how like,
we've literally been doing this since like the dawn
of like human consciousness.
It's the most like, human shit ever.
It's so primal, like we literally like,
since the Colosseum, we've just been like fucking like,
flipping around and running around.
Like running and like chanting for our country.
Like that shit's so funny.
Like really think
about it like we've been like we're just so human you know like the Olympics is
the most human shit ever. It really is like primal like animal like animal instinct to be like
competition. Run! Yeah. Jump! Like I'm better than you and I'm gonna prove that I'm better
than you and I'm the best in the world. And like then I watch it and like my
animal brain turns on and I eat that shit up every fucking time.
No matter the event, I'm like, yes, go, win.
And it's also like, whoever wins.
I'm like, you won.
I knew you were gonna win that shit.
That's your worst, I mean, you're like, oh no, I knew it.
No, I knew it.
I was thinking about that already. I knew it. No, I knew it. I was thinking about that already.
Like, I knew it.
No, no.
I know.
That's a huge insecurity of mine.
And every time I say it, I'm like, why did I say that?
But I literally do.
I literally do think it.
And then before, I just don't say it.
And then you say it, or someone else says it.
Literally, it's a pride thing.
I think it stems down to pride.
And I'm like, I wish I said that.
Or like a jealousy thing,
because everybody got a laugh from it.
And I'm like, I wish I said that. like a jealousy thing because everybody got a laugh from it and I'm like I wish I said that
because I did know that and I did say that. Well you are intelligent and amazing and you should just
start speaking your mind. I do know a little about a lot. But you know what the problem is because you're a dumb little ass
let's things like balls of my mouth come out instead of other things instead of
saying like the intellectual thoughts you have you're like balls in my mouth
because it's way better it's way better. You're like balls in my mouth because it's way better it's way better
you're like balls in my mouth no one wants another smart person everybody wants a clown
that was deep that was deep literally me when i showed up to the party but i do when i show up
to a party that i'm in my two i'm like they didn't want another hot girl they wanted a silly girl
someone made a tiktok that really struck a nerve with me
and they were like, I used to in life be like,
I'm not the hottest girl, but I'm the funniest girl.
And then I get on this app and I see the hottest,
funniest people in the world.
And I'm like, oh, so there's combo meals.
Choose one, choose one.
There's literally combo meals out there running around.
And here I am.
You can't be both funny and hot it's not fair
It's not yeah, I know I mean honestly
Look at us like we're both funny. Don't fucking touch me. We're both funny and hot. I don't um I would consider myself like
Pretty and like when I when I put all my driving force into it. I could be hot
Yeah, I agree and it for me agree me, yeah I think you're a hot
person. Okay. And I want to bed you. And for me, everyone calling me hot has done
absolutely nothing for me. I thought it would be good for me. I thought I'd be
like oh finally like I am attractive. But no, like I still think I'm the ugliest.
Well now it just sets an expectation.
The best thing to ever happen to me was Josh's vlogs and seeing how fucking ugly
I can look on camera and I was like, oh, okay.
Yeah, I don't have to be hot all the time.
Like I am a person.
Yeah, and I was like that was a very humbling and like grounding experience
because before that all the content of me was like stuff I had filmed.
Perfect angles.
Yeah, like perfect lighting and then like there's specifically one clip of me was like stuff I had filmed. Perfect angles, perfect lighting. Yeah, like perfect lighting and then like there's
specifically one clip of me in one of Josh's vlogs that I was like, I am just a
person, huh? I'm just a simple... I'm not Carly Jenner. I'm, oh I am for sure no
Carly Jenner. I'm silly. Who's Carly Jenner? I'm a Karlie Jenner. I'm I oh I am for sure. No Karlie Jenner
I'm silly Who's Karlie Jenner? I'm a silly Billy who the fuck is Karlie Jenner your mom bitch
There's no one named Karlie Jenner and my mom's name is not Karlie Jenner
I'm really confused by this and it's starting to irk me. You're so fucking stupid. What is Karlie Jenner?
No your credit score.
Oh, I had to update. My credit score is awesome. It's back to normal.
Yes, a five.
And I just want to say that is further proof that that shit is not fucking real.
And guess what? To get it back to normal, I didn't pay my goddamn gynecologist bill
and I'm not going to pay it.
That's a lie. I really need a pap smear.
Someone did leave... I'll do it. Someone
did leave a comment. When we were leaving and I was like, I think the house is gonna
blow up. I was not kidding. And I was like, I was so sure and I came and I jiggled all
the knobs to make sure they were off. And I was like, I didn't take a picture of it.
So like, it's probably you think it was because we like deep cleaned and I was like touching
all the knobs. No, it's just sometimes like it like I get an itch in the back of my brain and I'm convinced that like I left it on
and the house is gonna burn and like as well as gonna die.
You should maybe like get that looked at.
No. That's why it doesn't sound healthy.
No, my chlorophyll fixes it.
You shouldn't be living like that.
I'm like I take chlorophyll, like it's chill.
You shouldn't be living like that.
No, the door locking thing is a problem.
Like it literally, everyone always makes fun of me that I can't leave the house on time,
but it's because I have to like on top of just-
You wash your hands 63 times.
You lock the door three times.
You come back and you're like,
oh, I need to wash my hands because I just locked the door.
And then you're like, oh, I need to go pee
because if I have to go pee when I'm out,
like I have to go in the public bathroom and there's germs,
but it's just like a problem.
But the public bathroom is good if you've eaten because you have to wash your hands after you eat.
Not me. Not me. Not anybody else. Not before or after. Never. Men don't wash their hands.
No, bitch. People don't fucking talk about that. Men do not wash their hands and it is so nasty.
No. They're like, I didn't have to wipe. I'm like, bitch, you literally have to grab your balls.
Literally, my penis, I'm sorry,
this is gonna be really graphic,
but my penis goes in mouths.
Like, I don't have to wash my hands after I touch my wiener.
Like, I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You said mouths, and because it,
like, are you treating a mouth
like a fucking dishwasher for your dick?
Like, is that what you're alluding to right now?
Just saying it's not dirty.
I would hope it's not dirty before it goes in something.
Mom, don't watch this episode.
Mom. You're whispering.
Mom. That is fucking gross.
Men don't wash their balls, they don't wash their hands.
I wash my balls and I wash my hands. Occasionally.
I wash my hands. Both getting occasionally. I wash my hands. Both get an occasionally. I wash my hands. No, they don't. Because. No, I fake wash my hands.
The hand soap lasts way too long in our house. I fake wash my hands. I'm going to be honest.
I turn on the sink and I make it sound like I'm washing my hands in the no-be. As if your
mom's outside like listening. No, literally everybody's done that. I swear to God.
I have never done that in my life.
I washed my fucking hands.
No, actually, well because for me-
You've never fake washed your hands?
No, you know what happens is if I try to do a quick wash,
I'll get really insecure and I'll be like,
my hands are so fucking dirty.
And I'll do like a quick wash and then I'll be like,
dry my hands off and try to leave the bathroom.
And then the back of my brain is like,
if you don't fucking wash your hands right now, you're probably gonna die. And I'm like like dry my hands off and try to leave the bathroom and then the back of my brain is like if You don't fucking wash your hands right now
You're probably gonna die and I'm like, oh my god, and then I'll turn it like I like deep wash them
I know there is someone out there watching this that has fake wash their hands along with me
They just you just turn on the water you run it and then you turn it off and then you leave the room
You don't even get like no you don't even get your hands wet cuz it's annoying because then you have to fucking dry your hands off. There's a towel for your hands.
Yeah, but the towel's dirty because it's been washed a hundred times with other hands.
No, because the hands that are wiping off on the towel are clean. Have you ever heard of mold?
Have you ever heard of mold? There's mold. I'm convinced our house is full of mold
constantly. I swear to God I watched one fucking video about like indoor allergies
and mold and people were like... You're so fucking annoying. Drew got seasonal allergies and he was like there's mold in the walls.
I've never had allergies in my entire life and then all of the sudden I come
in I don't have allergies when I'm outside but then I come inside and immediately I have a
sniffy nose and my nose itches. Your fucking room is dusty. When's the last time you wash your sheets?
I don't wash my hands you think I wash my sheets? No I don't wash my wiener.
You think I wash my seats? Guys this is all jokes. This is all jokes. I need to make that clear.
Did you know that SpongeBob actually was like filmed in the bikini box?
Did you know that SpongeBob was practical?
It was real. All of that shit was real.
I just don't know what camera they filmed on because that shit looked like a cartoon.
Like I don't know how the fuck they did that.
No, it was the famous kids camera off of Amazon.
Oh really?
Yeah.
That's actually fucking crazy because I literally
remember watching that as a kid and was just like,
remember, like I was just like, how the fuck
did they film this?
Does they make this look like this?
And especially underwater.
And who's the character?
Who's playing?
If I had a heart attack, I'd like to think that like
I would trend and that would be like a good thing on Twitter for me. Yeah
Yeah, no, I don't have Twitter. So I don't know if I turn on Twitter
So maybe I get like a lot of reposts on like IG story. Yeah, no, I would definitely be I definitely
Milk your death like crazy and you have all my permission to we honestly I honestly don't know how I would react
No, I feel like we're not the kind of people to like grief publicly like that and intensely, which is kind of annoying because like my
lifelong goal is to get like as much attention as possible and the idea that
like when I pass my friends won't be like, but literally on the internet talking
about me all the time 24-7. It's kind of annoying but like kind of beautiful
because like I know I'm like... You're still loved. You're still loved. I want public
love. Like people are like, no that still loved. You're still loved behind closed doors. I want public love.
People are like, no, that's toxic.
You shouldn't be possessive and want people to be jealous
and angry with you.
No, I want all of my friends to know that if they lost me,
it would be the greatest,
whether I just stopped being their friends or I.
Sorry, I thought, I left the front door open.
If we get, if a stranger comes in.
That's good.
Whether if it's Josiah or a stranger,
I don't know how long that cut is
or how weird it was.
It jumped.
But if it jumped, it's because
we were getting a knock at the door
and I thought it was Josiah
and it actually pissed me off so much
because we told him to be quiet
and I was ready to go down there
and be a mean older sister
and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
I told you to shut the hell up when you came here.
But it was the mailman.
And then this is kind of weird.
I got a poster delivered,
so it was like a circular object.
And he did, we did have sex,
and we did use it like a dildo.
So that was weird, but like-
No, y'all didn't.
Yeah, we did.
No one knows, I was gone for a long time.
You were gone for like seven seconds. I'm a quick girl.
One of my favorite videos to laugh at because it will never not be funny is James Charles.
Not enough people talk about that collection of videos, but that is actually the best thing, the best content he ever made.
collection of videos, but that is actually the best thing, the best content he ever made.
Dude, that and the one with him singing
with the Lopez brothers dancing in the background,
actually dystopian, like.
No, that is also, that is the person who did all of that
and then was like in the middle of the Grand Canyon singing.
Like.
I mean, James Charles like is so effortlessly funny
and it's unfair because everything he does makes me laugh.
No, and it's, no, what makes it so funny is like,
it's like very serious.
Like he thought him singing in the middle of that canyon
was like ethereal.
Like it was like, it was like, this is,
he watched that video back and he was like,
oh, are you kidding me?
Like that was everything.
Dude, if you can right now,
literally open up a separate tab
and look up James Charles, Coachella Beyonce.
That person, I'm not kidding,
that is like the least rhythmically inclined human
on this planet.
I like, and I stand by that.
Yeah, period, point blank, period, everything.
It's just so, like it's so perfectly imperfect like
there's so so many good bad things about it it's like like I think I've said this
before but like I actually enjoy watching bad movies more than good movies
because like you literally don't have to focus on it you just fucking laugh and
make fun of it yeah like that's purely what those James Charles dancing videos
are for me is it's just like
So bad, I can't look it's like cocoa melon
It turns off my brain. I
Was sitting in class and the principal came up and or the vice principal. I think it was a vice principal I fucking hated him
And I hope he has like a hemorrhoid or something really annoying right now cuz I fucking hate him, but he
Came and he was like...
I'm going to eat that hemorrhoid like a jelly bean.
I just want to bite it off.
I love biting hemorrhoids.
You know what I'm talking about when you get the hemis.
The little jelly beans around the edge and you just pull them off, like bite them with
your front teeth.
Bloody. Bloody hemorrhoids.
No, keep going.
The hemorrhoid.
Like, you were gonna keep going. I was not gonna say anything.
But basically, I got pulled out of French class and they were like,
come down to the office. And I was like, what the fuck did I do? I go down to the office and I was like the fuck did I do I
Go down to the office and they have my fucking vine playing on the computer
I was like oh my god
and I think someone at the school snitched on me because I was like I was like you motherfuckers don't know about mine because
People at my school didn't like care about mine
And then I heard through the grapevine that someone had snitched on me so one of the like
motherfuckers who like lose or one of those nerd ass motherfuckers who worked in the office I was like bitch fuck you you're a hater
um but yeah I got suspended for a week and that's actually how my dad found out
about my vine account yeah and that was a nightmare because I was like on there
screaming about Nile Horan being shirtless being a fucking Thornberry dude literally that reminded me of
Probably the most trouble I had gotten in in my entire life was
from my Twitter account, so I
Yeah, I had a reef tank like a coral reef like I had a bunch of beautiful coral a bunch of like really expensive fish
like it was like my pride and joy and I had a bunch of beautiful coral, a bunch of really expensive fish.
It was my pride and joy.
And obviously with that,
you have to test the water chemistry.
So I had this set of chemicals
that you get samples of water and you put it in there.
And it legitimately looks like...
Breaking bad vibes.
Breaking bad vibes.
Like it looks gnarly. It looks like I'm making meth with this fucking kit. So
like obviously my like young ass fucking 15 year old brain is like, oh like I'm
gonna make a banger tweet. So I take a picture of it and I post it on my
Twitter account and I'm like cooking meth bringing some to school tomorrow who wants it and like like just like the most psycho shit and sure enough I know
who fucking snitch on me I'm not gonna say their name and I'm sure they're
fucking listening to this because they were like my biggest hater fan and they
they're they're a grown-ass fucking man bitch I fucking hate you and I hope your
house burns down with your family inside.
No, he ruined my life. I was literally mean to that lady the other day for no reason in the car.
And I was like, is she honked at me?
And you were like, because you scared her.
And I was like, yeah, I fucking scared her because she has two more days to live.
Fuck that bitch. And I had like the meanest dick ever
Haha
Dude literally no
We were like at dinner and you started it bitch
Yeah I was just like I don't know how I started it
Dude you just started it by being really loud about nothing
You were just like
Oh yeah I would just like just randomly just laugh as loud as fucking possible
Like I'd be like
Like really really fucking loud It's like not funny to anyone but I
it's like cringy probably but I just do that really fucking loud
and it like makes me crack up
it's like bassy too it's like it's not something you hear it's something you feel
like it's like a feeling
one of the reasons we started this is because
the couple the older couple next to us...
Like, actually, if anybody has...
I could probably look this up and it's like, I don't need to be asking this.
But we went to BCD Tofu House and someone put beer into their rice.
And I was like, I'm so intrigued by that.
Like, I don't know why they did that.
And I didn't ask and I didn't Google it because I'm a piece of shit. And I just like, want to know. And if I don't know, then I guess I'll never know like I don't know like why they did that and I didn't ask and I didn't Google it cuz I'm
A piece of shit, and I just like want to know and if I don't know then I guess I'll never know
I'll never know but
Just making the joke that we were like what if we were like so out of touch and just like
No, what is that for that looks gross? Why are you doing that?
I just like really out of like super like so definitely like oh you're not like you're not supposed to be doing that like actually.
That's bad.
No.
And we were just like cracking, sorry my car is literally overriding to turn off.
Um and we were just cracking up from that and then oh from us laughing from that this like
couple was on like what was very obviously a first date and this like white. Maybe a second date.
Yeah, maybe a second date and the white girl of the duo was like giving us death stares from us laughing
It's up and down so like
We were just like okay. We'll fucking look back so we like we're making that face. We're just like
I was looking at everybody in the
Like I was trying to make eye contact with everybody
It was so funny when you scanned and you were like,
I literally just looked everyone in here in the eye.
No, it was crazy.
I had never felt the way I felt that night.
And I was making full eye contact with people
and looking them up and down like.
And they were probably like, dude, who is this?
Why is he judging me like this? And for some reason, we were hella focused on the TV.
Like, if we weren't doing that, we were dead silent watching TV.
And all the TV was was commercials for the restaurant we were in.
Celebrities love BCD tofu.
Hey guys, we wanted to take another break to thank one of our sponsors today.
Zuck Duck. Y'all, I recently chipped my tooth on a pickle. to take another break to thank one of our sponsors today, ZocDoc.
Y'all, I recently chipped my tooth on a pickle.
We know this.
And guess where I went to get it fixed?
I used ZocDoc to find my dentist.
And I'm not kidding, I've been so scared
to go to the dentist in LA because I love the hometown,
homey feeling of my dentist in Granbury,
but the office I found is full of saints.
They're like the sweetest people ever.
It had wholesome energy.
They were all so nice.
And I literally wouldn't have found them without ZocDoc.
Found out I have like three cavities, two chipped teeth,
a bad filling from my old dentist,
and it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg to get fixed,
but it's gonna get fixed. And I'm a leg to get fixed, but it's going to get
fixed and I'm going to go more regularly because of ZocDoc.
ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network
doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across all
specialties.
You can even filter doctors who take your insurance and are located nearby. Once you find the right doctor you can see
their actual appointment openings and choose a time slot that works perfectly
for you. When I need a doctor I'm heading to ZocDoc. Stop putting off those
doctor appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash intercom to find and instantly
book a top rated doctor today. That's zocdoc.com slash intercom,
zocdoc.com slash intercom.
Hey guys, I wanted to take a quick break to thank another sponsor of today's episode,
Quince.
Y'all, even though I enjoy luxury goods, like we all know this about me, you can look at me and tell like I'm very high value, very luxurious, like it's all over my face, it's my aura, I have a luxurious aura, we all know this.
Until I discovered Quince. Quince offers a range of high quality items
at prices within reach,
like 100% cashmere sweaters from $50,
washable silk tank tops and dresses,
organic cotton sweaters, and 14 karat gold jewelry.
Hello?
By partnering directly with Top Factories,
Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman
and passes the savings on to us.
And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes.
For me personally, the Mongolian cashmere cardigan is my favorite piece.
I have been in my cardigan era.
Anyways, give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince.
Go to quince.com slash intercom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. But basically, and then Drew's doing that, and I like, to him, I was like, what if I
did this, but I just ended up doing it anyway.
I was like, no, but what if I did this, and like, she was sitting here next to me, and
I like turned and I was like, and like turned back to Drew.
Like, looked her up and down.
Also, someone's gonna be like, they're fucking bullies.
No, but she, they were, I will say she was really pretty.
Like she was, yeah she was really pretty but like she just gave an energy. Like she just gave an off energy and like she was really angry.
Like us trying to excuse it. There's no excuse for this behavior. Like something's wrong with this fucking with this fucking stranger. They don't find us being obnoxiously annoying.
And also we weren't talking so loud.
We were being like...
There's no excuse for our behavior.
And if you were there, I'm wholeheartedly sorry that you experienced the wrath of Drew and Inyo on one.
But we mean no harm by it.
We love you.
Yeah, I'm sorry if you're ever caught in the crossfire. Just know like
It's fun
For me you can talk shit about us like we give you full permission
Yeah, everyone can talk shit about us call us annoying
We know we are and at the end of the day like I love myself
Guys if we should kiss in one episode let us know
That's why I'm okay with being a bitter fucking hater because I know a lot of times
I'm projecting and I'm a piece of shit and
I'm okay oh look that's sweet they're picking it up oh no they just kicked it
assholes oh they're gonna go smoke on the roof I'm literally like where are
they going they look like they fucking stink okay not us being like they saw it that was real that was real that was us in lifetime being bitter bullies
I swear I wasn't doing that on purpose like they literally do look like they stink
They're like two white dudes with flip-flops on if you're wearing thong sandals out as a man
You need to go to fucking therapy. You need to figure I know your shit stinks
I know you don't cut your toenails and I know your shit stinks period like I know
You fucking smell like balls
Just wear slides. Please just wear slides, please also men
And yeah has a lot of opinions on men loving themselves no I can't be the only person
Straight men like feeling themselves to take you pictures of them so I like, why are you doing that like that like I not I like want a man who is like
Confident and like likes himself
But I'm like if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie cuz the Sun is on you
Or something
Yeah, I'm buckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T-bone accident.
Because you shouldn't be doing that.
Like, you don't have the fucking New York Times app to be looking at.
Why are you looking at yourself?
Play chess. Play chess.
Actually, don't be on your phone.
I also can't stand a man who's on his phone so much.
Like, what do you have going on there?
Who are you texting?
I wish I was kidding.
I was in the car with like I I've just been in situations with like
Men and I'm like I literally will out loud be like why are you on the phone so much?
Who are you texting? I'm like you were so not even that I'm like you were so embarrassing like you
You don't want to look outside and like be like what is there to look at in LA?
We weren't driving around a concrete jungle
Also, maybe like again, I'm projecting because I get car sick, and I can't look at the your jealous
You're jealous of what like I can do no you just like as like why the fuck are you looking like what is on there?
You're literally
Men should have burners like you don't need an iPhone
What do you need an iPhone for if you want to post on IG wait till you get home go have a iPod touch
Your burner in your iPod touch with no service if you have a phone with service as a straight man
No, like what are you up to like no good like you're up to no good on that. You're either
Yeah, you're sexting someone and I don't like that. I was gonna say you're you're sexting someone. No, I just don't like it
It's so gross. But yeah, I could go on for days. Inya goes on for days in days and days and days. I just have a lot of opinions about like
Straight men. I'm like, oh you you should like. You shouldn't love yourself.
That's what she gets at.
No, like you should be confident,
but don't take a, like, when a man stops someone,
the other, no I won't.
I can't be the only person,
straight men, like feeling themselves
and taking pictures of themselves.
I'm like, why are you doing that?
Like, that, like, I, not to,
I like want a man who is confident and likes himself,
but I'm like, if I'm driving us around
and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie
because the sun is on you or something,
I'm crashing the car.
I'm crashing the car.
I'm crashing it into the media.
I'm crashing it and I'm blaming you.
I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing.
Yeah, I'm unbuckling your seatbelt
and getting us in a T-bone accident
because you shouldn't be doing that.
Like, you don't have the fucking New York Times app to be looking at like why are you looking at you play chess?
Play chess actually don't be on your phone. I also can't stand like a man who's on his phone so much
Like what do you have going on there?
Texting I wish I was kidding like I was in the car with like I I've just been in situations with like
Men and I'm like I literally will outlaw be like why are you on the phone so much like who are
you texting I'm like you were so not even that I'm like you were so
embarrassing like you don't want to look outside and like be like what is there
to look at in LA we weren't driving around a concrete jungle concrete jungle
that's New York you fucking idiot bitch see if you look at that motherfucker no also maybe like again I'm projecting because
I get car sick and I can't look at the you're jealous you're jealous of what
like I can do no you just like as like why the fuck are you looking like what
is on there stop you're literally I'm kidding men should have burners like you don't need an iPhone
What do you need an iPhone for?
If you want to post on IG wait till you get home
Go have an iPod touch
Go have an iPad
Bring your burner and iPod touch with no service
If you have a phone with service as a straight man
No like what are you up to?
Like no good
Like you're up to no good on that thing
You're either You're sexting someone good. You're up to no good on that thing. You're either, yeah.
You're sexting someone and I don't like that.
I was gonna say, you're sexting someone.
No, I just don't like it. It's so gross.
But yeah, I could go on for days.
Inya goes on for days. In days and days and days.
I just have a lot of opinions about straight men.
I'm like, ew, you should like...
You shouldn't love yourself. That's what she gets at.
No, you should be confident but don't take a...
When a man stops someone the other no I will say it is really
cringy oh my god yeah yeah like I'm sorry hypocritical it is just like
something else no there's something a little funky about a man who's like
posting a lot of pictures of himself I'm like a man's ID a straight man's ID
shouldn't just be pictures of himself I'm like a man's IG, a straight man's IG shouldn't just be pictured to himself. I'm like something's going on here. Like as a straight man my
IG's all pictured of myself. What did you just call me? As a straight man.
So now we're just saying things. Okay as a politician. Yeah I just like you
didn't see something on your walk you want to post? Like do you go walking? You didn't see the
magnolia tree? You could take didn't see the Magnolia tree?
You could take a picture of the Magnolia tree
and say, it smells like pussy.
It smells like pussy out here, and it's the Magnolia tree.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
The pussy willows.
This stinky tree.
No, they smell like a sneeze to me.
They smell like cum.
They smell like cum and sneezes.
Tomatoes taste like cum. No one wants to have tomatoes tastes like hum No, I have that saying that because every day my like my go-to like meal right now
Anywhere I go like no matter where I am I get or I make it myself a soft scrambled eggs
Avocado and slices of tomatoes like it's like all I will eat right now and
Drew said that the other day and I literally was eating my breakfast and I wanted to throw up because I like I chewed on the tomato for
too long I was like really getting into it. It's like it's like when you when if
you're eating like red meat you can start tasting the farm. We always talk about cock and balls and pussy on here we always make it a point. You can start tasting the farm when you're eating like red meat and also yeah just like they we know
it's just a big part of our life cock balls and pussy no we are just like we
I can't say I literally the word the P word yeah okay man with a straight
Instagram I'm straight as hell I can't this is my girlfriend. Yeah, this is my yeah. No, this is my boyfriend. That's like chill. Yeah, I am straight and don't get it
Fucking twisted
But yeah, we always bring it to cock and ball somehow but I think that's it for the episode
Maybe we don't have to talk about cock and balls anymore. We can just shut up. I literally have Red Bull in my fucking eye
I'm curious to see if maybe one day
If I'm ready enough and all that trauma from those terrible trips is gone if I can just like
Eat a meal and then smoke and see if it's all good. Yeah, that's actually another thing I always eat before.
Like I'll be with someone who like enjoys smoking weed
and then they'll be like, oh my God, I'm gonna smoke
and then we should order food.
And I'm like, no, I'm getting food in me.
And then I can like maybe join.
But like.
Maybe I'll have a midnight snack with munchies, munchies.
I'll have a midnight snack with munchies munchies
If you can't tell I feel fucking batshit crazy today, I don't feel normal
my most recent
bad weed experience was
When I was back in Texas
and I was like laying on the couch watching TV and I just had the gnarliest thoughts about like, like we were watching Netflix and I was watching
these shows on Netflix and I was like, I was like no this is like garbage TV. Like
we're watching garbage TV and then we watched, I was like we, I was like we have
to turn this off. We have to turn this episode off like or we have to turn the
show off because it's literally like, it was made by aliens
to keep us down or some crazy freaked out thought process.
So we switched it and we put on this magic show.
And it was like this dude doing-
Which is like the worst thing to switch it to.
But it was so confusing because it was like this dude doing it was like the worst thing to switch it to. But it was like it was so confusing
because it was like this dude doing magic but I couldn't tell if it was like a joke or if it was real or what and
I just kept saying that out loud and I kept like audibly being like no no like no like turn this off and I just
kept going into these thoughts about like how like like this is gonna like I literally sound psycho, but I was like, dude, TV is made to keep
the population at bay, just like the most fucking smoke.
That's literally what everybody thought in the 80s.
Yeah, exactly, the most smoke thoughts you can ever have.
And I was like, this is why I don't do,
this is why I don't smoke or take edibles,
because I literally cannot remember
the last good experience I had. And even, I don't know I don't know I don't care but
like literally I could just go on shut the fuck up whatever but I'm like not
anti weed because I know it does help a lot of people but like for me personally
I'm like it's it was made by the devil like literally and it's trying to kill me constantly you're like it's
trying to kill me when the only person who could put it in you is you exactly
no the weed it controls people I think fuck I was just thinking oh that reminded
me of um when I went to Texas for that fun party we went to. What was that party I went to Texas for?
My brother's funeral.
That was the event of the year.
You could eat anything when you're famished and you might as well be eating at a Michelin
Star restaurant.
Literally.
You could feed me the 7-Eleven rotisserie taquitos
when I'm hungry, and I'll be like...
This is the best food ever, but I will say
those are the best food probably ever made.
I never had the taquitos,
but I used to fuck up the chicken wings,
but I was like a chicken wing monster when I ate them.
We just had this conversation two days ago, but I can't a chicken wing monster when I ate chicken. We just had this conversation like two days ago,
but like I can't do bone and meat at all.
Like boner meat, ay!
I can't.
I can't do bone and meat.
Cause when you're eating the. When you're eating the bone.
Yeah, exactly.
It's a little gay.
Like I can't do that.
I can't suck bones.
No, because like when you're eating bone and meat one,
it's on the bone, which I shouldn't fucking see bones ever
in my life.
That's so sinister.
Until the tendons, the tendons and the fat when you bite
into that shit, it is like eating fucking rubber bands.
It's the best taste ever. That's why I love like squid and octopus and like oxtail and
like pig's feet because it's all like fatty like like tendons and it's like it's the most
like primal.
It literally is like a cultural thing I think actually though.
But no, I literally like that is what makes me like in the most like,
let me clarify this is the most Joe Rogan shit you'll ever say.
I am not vegetarian because I'm like, yas, like save the planet. Like, of course, I'm like, yas,
I do my part. But I am in any any like health thing I'm in, it's for vanity and that's it.
Purely.
Never get it twisted.
I don't have a hydroflask because I'm like, don't waste plastic.
I have a hydroflask because if I don't have a hydroflask, I won't drink water and then
I won't be pretty.
Of course, God bless that I'm helping the world while I try to be pretty in little ways.
But it is never... I'm not skipping out on straws.
Like I will take a straw
because I don't want my teeth to be yellow.
Also, straws aren't the things that are killing the turtles.
The things that are killing the turtles are fucking nuts.
And a lot of people would be like,
oh my God, did you switch from being a vegetarian?
Cancel overfishing.
Because you saw that, no, I'm sorry.
Like that is not my duty.
Like.
That's not my job, It's the corporation's job.
We need to, it's the scientist's job to figure out
how to get us lab-grown meat.
Would you eat lab-grown meat?
Yeah, cause that's what like plant-based meat is.
That's basically like lab-grown.
Would you? No.
Would I take lab-grown meat in my hole?
No, I didn't.
I thought that's what you were gonna say.
Wait, it was basically what I was going to say.
I can't say it because it's so gnarly.
It's really, it's really naughty.
Should I just say it?
Yeah.
Would you fuck lab-grown pussy?
I mean, that's a test tube, baby.
Okay, no, pause, because lab-grown pussy would hit like, crazy.
Alien, like alien versus predator pussy.
I guess actually lab-grown dick would literally, they can make it do the twirls at the little
And it could suck
We could add a little attachment you could shape it like the rabbit toy. Yeah, like an extra mouth to be like
You can tell a lot about a person
If they put the cart back, yeah
Yeah, that like that That like really says all you
need to know. There's another one of those where it's like, okay, like if you put your
cart back, you're like a fairly like moral person. You care about the well-being of others,
but if you like leave it in the middle of the thing, you literally don't give a shit
and you're a narcissist and you care about yourself and no one else. Or you're in a rush,
but yeah.
But I mean, like I've been in rush situations
and I always put the card out.
Oh no, you're like the most moral grounded person ever.
Keep going though.
I T, like thank you, thank you.
I feel like I am, so thank you.
No, there's another one where it's like...
You were gonna say something stupid.
You were literally gonna say something so fucking stupid.
No, go. What were you gonna say?
Like, as a man, it's my duty to make the girl come four times.
Hahaha
That wasn't even in line with like This is the type of person I am you know
Oh you're so nice you make girls squirt and stuff
You make sure your girls squirts
Yeah we should just talk about how we missed the first two weeks of lockdown
We should move on
But like Azul is eating my goddamn plant.
Motherfucker.
She was.
Did she chomp on it big time?
No, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
Actually, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
Like this is actually like the saddest day
of my goddamn life.
Oh no.
Is it bad?
Yes, we're leaving the same.
It's not the worst. We'll just put it, we'll watch. It's not, it're leaving the same. It's not the worst. We'll just put it, we'll watch her.
It's not, it's not the worst, it's not the worst.
Oh no!
Oh!
We'll just keep it here for the rest of the episode. We'll watch her.
I'm gonna fucking vomit.
Stop!
I'm actually gonna vomit.
Stop, Drew!
Well, Azul's also gonna vomit, so that's the good news.
Dude, oh my God! He ate, no, Inya, this is all him. Stop true. Well, it was also gonna vomit. So that's the good news
Dude, oh my god. He ate no in yet. This is all him. I didn't even that's all him He was eating the fuck out of that like a fucking snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna spank the shit out of them
How much was this the way too much
was this the way too much I'm gonna get a spray to like spray around that area the couch so that it's all good it shouldn't have been there anyways like I
knew he was gonna do it but that motherfucker Thanks for watching!