Emergency Intercom - Drew finally pooped

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

We throw a party for Drew’s 26 day old poop!!! We also discuss how we exist on a lunar plane that doesn’t necessarily connect with typical mortal levels. Love at first sight? Alright… sit tight!!! Zocdoc Find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today at https://zocdoc.com/INTERCOM. ShipStation Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/INTERCOM. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Calling all sellers, Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. Hi, guys. We have such exciting news. I shit, I finally shit, I shit out of my ass, y'all. It was fucking brutal. Drew poops, guys.

No more worries, no more comments suggesting fiber and water. Y'all were, although coming from the right place, it was very much giving. Why don't you just smile? Yeah, drink more water and smile and you won't be depressed. They're like, wait, just like eat a green and then you should like get it moving. Drew, you do look a lot prettier when you smile. Actually, no, don't do that that's my thing you don't get to hit him it's a sexual thing you don't get to hit him sorry oh did the shit just fall um yeah guys i finally shit um well i shit when I was back in Texas. This was like almost two weeks at this point, like a week.

I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y'all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is. Of course, a little here and there, but for the most part, legitimately 26 days of shit inside of me. Which is just so insane. Which is genuinely ridiculous. And I know, I know I could have died. I know, I know, I know.

And who knows? Maybe I wanted to die full of shit. Maybe that was my plan the whole time. Wait, that's actually so embarrassing because when you die, don't you like release everything i don't know but that shit was not releasing that was gonna be stuck inside of me forever bro ew the poor people at the fucking morgue who would have had to like go through your body my autopsy and they found out my toxic mega colon is like the cause of death yeah um well 26 days of not shitting um what finally did it was i ordered colonoscopy um

prep from my internist and it was on it it was like really easy to get and then when i told him how long it had been since i shit he like kind of did a double take yeah he was like he was like wait uh how many days andrew like yeah like at that point you had called him when you were like it's like 17 days in and even then he was like oh how are you feeling like it literally felt it was the equivalent of when we went to the personal trainers and the guy took my um heartbeat and he was just like are you okay yeah like what and he was like your guy took my heartbeat and he was just like, are you okay? And I'm like, what? And he was like, your heartbeat is so low.

And I was like, I'm fine. He was like, you had coffee or something today? I was like, yeah, I had coffee and a Celsius. And he was like, do you feel the weight? Doesn't that mean you're incredibly healthy though? That's what it means. Having a low resting heart rate is good. I have a resting heart rate of 108 permanently,

which is really dark. Your heart rate when you're in a resting heart rate of 108 permanently which is really dark your heart rate when you're in bed on your phone is like two no it literally are our heart rates like my double my heart rate and pass it on to drew because that's literally what we have going on yeah and then when i stand up it spikes to like 140 every time and i almost pass out in the kitchen i can make it from my bedroom to the kitchen and then i'm like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm actually gonna die but anyways 26 days of shit um i weighed myself before and i have a picture of me on the scale i weighed 157 and i typically like on average way like i fluctuate between like 144 and 148 like typically at 144 like that's that's like my baseline i can get to like 138 if i'm like really depressed or some shit but like 144 is

like my base weight it's the base weight y'all you're always trying to be in like gain weight above that how much how much shit was inside of me how many i forgot how many pounds uh you went from 157 to 142 so it's like 15 pounds i had 15 pounds of shit inside of me y'all 15 fucking pounds of shit inside of my body that is straight up that's seven your body wasn't even digesting anything like it wasn't like taking i guess it had to have been taking in the nutrients that's the problem that's the problem is it was just like lodged in there so it was just like sucking it dry until it was literally like fucking bricks inside of my body y'all i'm gonna actually i'm not gonna spare the details i'm gonna go all the way in like i drank it around 9 a.m um because

i was like i i want to be shitting. I don't want to be shitting throughout the night, whatever. Drink it at 9 a.m. Was the most nauseous I've ever been in my entire life. My mom popped into the room because I was just like so sick. And she was like, I literally thought I was going to have to take you to the hospital because you were clear. I was like, she was like freaking me out. And I was like, I feel like nauseous, but I don't feel terrible.

And she was like, no out and i was like i feel like nauseous but i don't feel terrible and she was like no you looked horrible well like no shit nothing just like horrible horrible gut pain all day long until like 8 p.m and me and my mom were sitting on the couch and she was like drew i think it's time to go to the er and i was like yeah i think you're right and she i was like let me let me rest for like two more hours and i swear to god at 10 p.m if i don't shit i'll go to the hospital wait you took it at 9 a.m and you still hadn't shit by like 10 yeah yeah it was like all it was all day like it was melting away in my body well i'm laying in my parents bed it's like nine ish in their room and i'm just like we're watching whatever

i'm like on the edge of their bed and then all of a sudden i'm like oh my god it's happening and i like sprint to the bathroom across the house and i sit on your water broke yes my water literally broke i get to the bathroom and i push for about like three seconds and then tmi but i'm not kidding a cannonball sized shit like this big i'm guessing like shot out of my ass at mock speeds hit the toilet bowl and exploded into like shrapnel and like i literally was like in so much pain i wish i could describe you the pain i felt in well the way you described it to me and john just wait i'm gonna get there it literally it was fucking horrible like it was the worst pain i'd ever felt in my entire life um and then right after like right after i proceeded to become the most euphoric like what i

remember like painkillers feeling like when I was abusing them. Like I straight up felt like genuinely euphoric. I felt like God was licking the inside of my skull and my body. Like it was crazy. Like it was so, I wish everyone could feel the relief I fucking felt in that moment.

And it was like- You felt the joy only felt by somebody like Frankie Grande feels on the- Exactly, exactly. Frankie Grande feels on the day. Exactly. Exactly. Frankie Grande on the wicked carpet with that fucking hair, bro. But I didn't realize how much pain I was in day to day. It was in that moment I realized and I started crying because I was like, oh my God, I was

hurting so bad and now I feel so fine. like just like i guess over time it just like gradually like yeah you like acclimated yeah every day the pain would build up a little and by the end of the day you were like this is just my new pain yeah i might have set a fucking world record but yeah have you looked up to see what the longest like somebody's ever been constantly they're all dead oh they're all dead i went the longest and survived y'all wait so the colonoscopy prep worked it worked down see this is why people say prep is so important i don't know if that's like no they mean huh like prep like the drug like oh okay i'm the medication i'm trying to do the work yeah yeah respect respect you're learning something um but slowly but surely i shit i proceeded to shit all day or the rest of the night into the night woke up the next day was supposed to get on a flight canceled that bitch because i was like i cannot get on oh bitch if i got on a flight and you were sitting next to me and like getting up

all the time i bet you started to smell like shit yeah no i probably did it was coming out of my pores like it was straight up was horrible well no the thing the way you described it to me and josh was you said it felt like a foam football coming out of your no that was the shit that i had here oh here i'm i'm regular now and i hadn't shit for like four days after that and i was getting worried and then a foam football shot out of my ass. But and then I was like, oh, wait, I'm regular. And it looked healthy. Me and Josh were saying like it is so jarring how like most people just poop and you get it over with.

Like I am blessed with like a body that just like does its job and I poop all the fucking time. So like there's not really much to describe. Like it like it's it's every few months where i'm like oh my god this is like a describable moment i must tell the world the world being running to your room and telling you about it or saying it's a group chat but you since like pooping is such a miraculous it's a event for you yeah it's literally it is the equivalent to climbers who finally get to the top of Mount Everest. Your descriptors are so insanely detailed that I can think of multiple poops you've had.

Like they will live on my mind like memory. And I describe them like perfectly. That's the craziest thing. I know. And I sit there and I'm like, that was a foam football coming out of my ass. Or that was like a softball shooting out at Mott's Bees or you say it's a chicken nugget but you describe which fast food chain the chicken nugget came from

oh yeah that is not real every advertiser just bailing on the show that is not real drew shit water for straight up like i'm not kidding like seven seconds i mean i i believe you because when drew came back from texas every time we would be talking he's like hold on i have to fart so i'm gonna go to the bathroom and he would run to the bathroom to make sure he didn't shit his pants oh my god i have no i can't like i seriously can't as much as we talk about poop and stuff like it literally like i don't like i really am not down with the scat shit like y'all is scat the thing like people like poop

yeah that's like your body that is my we're like we're low-key serving into it the staff after i shit i sent a picture to kai of my back and i had welts all over my body i thought you were gonna say you had shit shot up your back i exploded out of my diaper there's um there's like a soundboard on here we could load that up we should load it up with your poop sounds yeah man that is amazing it was iconic it truly was genuinely like what i imagine like an opium den for three days feels like like i for real felt like like i was i had the zoomies after like i was running around the house like i didn't know i couldn't run like i didn't know i wasn't like performing well at the

gym like you're feeling the beauty of giving birth no exactly that's genuinely in the moment i was like oh my god i just gave birth to like a seven pound baby have you experienced any postpartum depression uh yes i miss i miss being pregnant with 15 pounds of shit i miss being able to talk about it because i won't be able to talk about it now you have nothing to complain now drew's new complaint is like i just feel like shit like it's just literally like just starting to be like my body i just feel my body but i love basketball like at least oh my god i was watching a movie last night and i i like josh and drew were hidden in their room i was sitting on the couch watching a movie and i paused for a second to look at my phone for my interlude it's kind of like at the opera when they let you go out

and breathe a fresh breath of air you can't you can't finish a whole movie without looking at without looking at my phone like i simply must so i paused and when i paused is exactly when i heard drew stop talking and i hadn't heard drew alive all day he's been he was in his room all day and the only thing i heard was oh i just love basketball like that was all i heard was just i like the whole time i was like like them talking back and forth and josh wasn't really saying much he was like oh what like that's crazy and like drew is doing the thing where he just like starts shooting facts at you um and then he goes i don't know i just love basketball and then i heard his door close i really do it's like my lifeline i truly think it's the only reason why i'm alive and i got

compared to reed shepherd on my drew's lookalikes account i don't know who that is he's um just a rookie for the rockets this year would be a rookie yeah no period um but everyone was saying this is what inya saw in drew um if you want to see him oh i saw that yeah i didn't think he really looked like me that much but he's a baddie he's the safest rookie and i was a baddie you know now you're hot you were a baddie now you're hot we talk about this all the time drew will randomly just be like i'm ugly and then i get offended because i've multiple times told drew that if i saw him like my vibe of drew is if i didn't know drew and i was at a party and he came into the group i would try to make him laugh for his attention but i would never pursue yeah but that's i think the highest form of compliment yeah it's like you're too hot i don't really

trisha called us models um and i'm not kidding I looked in the mirror after I heard that clip, and I was like, wow, I am pretty. But I'm hot in the mirror, but in real life and in photos, I'm really scary. That's not true. You guys are hot. I wouldn't work on this podcast if you guys were ugly. Straight up.

Honestly, I agree. I agree. I fully agree. I literally agree. Like, I can't say that. How is it that loud? We've been trying to fix it and now it's louder. No, it's louder.

Also, our heater, I turned it on yesterday and it was buzzing really loud. And I was like, oh, my God, all of my fears of the house exploding are going to come to fruition. So I turned it off and I just suffered in the freezing cold. Our house is fucking free. It is constantly without fail. The 66 degrees in the house at every waking fucking the first thing and you says when she wakes up every morning she walks out her door she's like oh it's so cold without fail every because every morning it shocks me because i got a heated blanket which has

genuinely changed shifted things i like sleeping in your bed i'm obsessed with the heated blanket i am still fearful that it's gonna cook me in my sleep um but i found out this morning that it turns off automatically after three hours so that's good but then i wake up freezing like you're gonna get those like uh skin veins that i honestly don't give a fuck i'll just get like permanent airbrushing on my legs i was thinking about that the other day like i have no plans on ever getting surgeries especially in my like younger years i'm untouched okay like right yeah and he's untouched you both have gotten so much work done i know it's irresponsible to say i just can't stop getting work done i just can't stop i just can't stop getting work done. I just can't stop. I just can't stop coming.

I don't think people know that reference, but I say it all the fucking time. I've said it multiple times on a stage in front of a bunch of college students. What we're referencing when we say, I just can't stop coming, is about five years ago, Nikocado Avocado posted an IG story

promoting his OnlyFans where he scribbled out like maybe 40 of it and you could fully see his like wiener on hard coming and he literally just like was like i just can't stop coming i don't know it's just like it's the funniest it's the craziest thing ever it you know what it is it's the first time i've heard a man say something like that's equivalent to like what they have cam girls saying yeah like it's such a chatterbait ass ad of like i just can't stop coming um but fuck what was i gonna say oh yeah i haven't gotten any work done yet that is what i want to preface yet trust and believe the second i turn 50 i'm going fucking banana and the work

is gonna be so goaded i know by then it's gonna be unseen y'all are gonna have to like i mean to be fair by 50 i quite literally don't think anybody will give a single fuck about also the world will be on fire yeah we won't make it that far with climate change and everything so whatever but if we do i will be getting surgery and there will maybe be like one or two of you who remembers that I exist. And you'll go through and find my IG where I'm getting like one like and a comment from a family member. And it's just me looking exactly like this still. It's like the Christina Aguilera thing.

That shit is crazy. It's very creepy. It is very, very weird. She's respecting the substance, very weird she's respecting the substance babe she's respecting the balance I the thing is I don't know if I want to go that crazy like I don't know if I want to go that

crazy like I don't want to look 25 I just want to look 50 but come on yeah well I would never touch my body no one else would either it's not true hey guys we want to take a moment

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Scale your e-commerce business with the shipping software that delivers. Switch to ShipStation today. Go to shipstation.com slash intercom to sign up for your free 60-day trial. That's shipstation.com slash intercom drew what's crazy is you're wearing that poop hat and i almost didn't realize it because it just looks like your hair oh yeah because it looks like shit well i got a shock collar

oh is that because we were talking about that wait does it vibrate or shock vibrates and shocks and i thought we could try it for the first time on here But I felt it shock my finger and I think it actually might stop my brain and heart. Okay, I don't know but if it's It's kind of like dog. It's kind of like after you put on your nuts after Huh, what I didn't say anything All right. Wait, be careful because it's on Or maybe it's not but i'm so scared. I don't know anything. All right, let's try it out. Wait, be careful because it's on. Or maybe it's not, but I'm so scared.

I don't know if I can do this, actually. Oh, it's just, it's vibrating. No, it shocks. It's not vibrating. No, this one shocks. Okay, bark for me, Drew. Woof. Ew.

No, I actually, I can't do it, I don't think. It's not on my skin yet. Wait, I don't want you to do it wait i'll put it down wait it's like literally not letting me put it down you have to click the top button in and then okay i'll just do it very vivian westwood like i don't think so wait chill chill it's a four i know it's not on my skin yet but like i don't think so wait chill chill that one's it's a four i know it's not on my skin yet but like i don't trust you okay okay look level one my hair won't let me tighten this shit level one okay but wait it's not on my skin yet squid game i'm gonna have a

what the fuck was that just you could do sounds too this is just abuse i'm like actually gonna have a conniption fit fuck did y'all want walkie talkies really bad as kids yes yeah everybody wanted like a really good walkie talkie so fucking bad like wait we should get walkie talkies because we text across the house that would be fun wait something just did a turd fall down my shirt oh did a turd fall down my shirt? Oh, did a turd fall? A turd fell there. They're all falling down, honestly. What the fuck?

I feel like I'm actually losing my mind right now. Oh, that one's going down. Oh, yeah. It's like rolling down the wall. What song did I sing earlier? I made a joke earlier about them falling. Oh. There's a really bad joke. Oh. It was really bad. Oh, linger?

No. I don't know. We all have a Rizzler. Okay, I'm going to do one. Is it shocking? No, no. Oh, vibrating, I don't care about. That literally feels like nothing.

Should I bump it up? I mean, the vibrating is not going to hurt at all. It's just supposed to, like, scare me. But wait, why is it actually... It doesn't hurt. Okay, hold it away from you because I'm going to do the shock. You got to squeal like a pig.

Oh, wait. Okay, this is level one. I actually don't know if this is a good idea. Just touch it with your hand. I did and it hurt so bad. On level one? Yes. It felt like I was being like stabbed by a bee.

Okay, then maybe we shouldn't play with this. Yeah, I don't want you to get hurt actually. Wait, hold on. I keep feeling things. I'm like literally scared. You're going crazy. Okay, should I go? things. I'm like literally scared. You're going crazy. Okay, should I go? Yeah.

Oh. Like, it's not that bad. It's just like... Ew, the sound you made was crazy. No, if I go any higher, I might like actually stop my heart. Oh, fuck. Really?

Yes. I guess dogs have like fur and like other things. It's like straight to the source with you i didn't i pulled it away i was too scared it's not on me yet wait turn it up to 10 10 i don't think for shock just turn it up oh my god shock it goes to level 99 and it has a hazard sign. You were on one out of 99? Wait, do 10. Wait, wait, wait. What is happening? It's like F3,

F4. Oh, wait, no. That's for the sound. Frequency four. Okay. I'm ready. Oh! Anya, what did you put it to?

I didn't, it's at 10! Is it at, are you sure it's at 10 and not 100? Because he just pissed himself. He pissed his pants. Good. This is what you get when you fuck with me, bitch! How are you still Bruce from the cupping? Am I actually?

Yeah, you still have the spots from the cupping. Also, I didn't have a good reaction because I actually thought I just killed you. So that silence was me actually being like... My first thought was like, fuck, I need to leave soon. And I just killed Drew, so I can't leave. And I was like, I'm going to have to text everyone I know. Are you kidding me? Well, no, because I was... That was your first thought? Well, no, I was reorganizing my plans. I was like, okay, drew so i can't leave and i was like i'm gonna have to text everyone i know well no because i was how was your first thought i was like reorganizing my

like plans i was like okay well i can't leave i have to take drew to the hospital and then i was like would i be able to make that i was like no i have to be in the hospital why are you mad about a woman getting her bag and being independent exactly i just died you actually didn't bitch you're dramatic whore slut you're fucking slut all right your turn in yeah hell no hell no no i'm actually scared of any pain okay i'm gonna say something that's really gonna strike a chord with a lot of people because i know i have a feeling that a lot of fear that legos are just a stanley type finesse and everyone who is involved with being obsessed with legos you have accidentally joined a cult legos are not that interesting they're also like the craziest plastic machine i've ever seen and it just reminds me of stanley's like okay i saw a lego

wreath like a lego christmas wreath get a fucking no the flowers are so cute the flowers i'll let slide but now they're doing everything everything is lego everything did you see the cats the coralline house i haven't seen the cats the cats are so cute get a fucking plushie like the lego everything did you see the cats the coralline house i haven't seen the cats the cats are so cute get a fucking plushie like the leg no the building is like the part of it that's fun i just can't get with the legos and to me i literally see it like the people who collect stanley cups yeah it just doesn't like legos don't strike a chord of joy for me let the lego cats vote well that's a good, that's a good one. That's a good one. I like the OG little just like regular Legos.

This grand scheme. It literally feels like so Mary Kay and Ashley. Not Mary Kay and Ashley. Mary Kay makeup. Like it feels like that to me. It feels very Avon. It feels very culty. It feels like at one point someone's going to start knocking on my door and asking if i want to buy like my lego voting ballot my lego absentee ballot like it's just bleeding into everything everything is lego and i don't like it i just

don't like it i have to disagree but we can agree to disagree i think legos are goats i think they're the go like the dune lego set is so fucking cool like hello but to me legos are like my puff bar i look at this i'm like how many of these are sitting in landfills and then i look i feel really bad and then i remember that there are people who buy a lego set a month and there's eight million pieces just everywhere on the planet. And it makes me feel better, honestly. I think... What the fuck? Where did my dad...

What? My dad texted me some weird shit. Well, people who think being gay is a choice are actively choosing not to be gay. So you're gay. So that's a gay tendency. I love gay tendencies. Like eating kiwis, that's gay tendencies.

Eating kiwis, what else is a gay tendency? Riding passenger while your girl is driving, that's gay tendencies. Watching music videos to wind down for the night is definitely gay tendencies. Watching men play football definitely gay tendencies watching men play football is gay tendencies oh my god i got a foot rooting for a football team i literally got a football yeah it's fire and although it was moving i will still never partake in the consumption

of sports because it actually means nothing to me like it should be illegal to record the losing team like seriously they just fucking lost like now you're gonna put a camera in their face and there's always a compilation of the team like the best is when it's like the confetti that's colored like the other team they're just like walking through and it's like and the more i think about it i don't know what brings me joy. Your vape. Me. My heated blanket.

Your heated blanket. No, and I'm not kidding. I was laying in bed a couple nights ago thinking about, like, what I am truly passionate for and, like, what I would do for the rest of my life, like, and enjoy it. And I have nothing. I have nothing. I have i have nothing i like well okay that's i think that is the scam and this is gonna sound so tumblr twitter brain coded but something i try

to remind myself is being such a sad sad sad child who went through harsh things i always had this very grand idea of what happiness was and i thought when i had it i would know it and i wouldn't second guess it but literally at this point i feel like happiness is a construct that is being sold to us so that we never stop in the hamster wheel that is life life. And that we keep. Keep. Keep. Just destroying ourselves. And trying to search for that. But really. Happiness is the little things babe.

Yeah. It literally is not this big thing. Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh. And like eating our favorite food. And watching a fucking TV show. Or watching stupid YouTube videos. That to me now I can accept. That is the peak joy I will ever feel.

Because it's like being on my iPhone for 14 hours a day that is pure happiness like y'all I'm not even joking like I love being on my phone right now it's like really bad but then there will be moments when I'm like 200 videos deep on this random person from like Arkansas's TikTok account that has 200 followers and I like know everything about their life and I knew what like fucking donuts they ate in the morning and I was just like actually like what am I doing like truly and I'll like actually launch my phone across my room like if you ever hear something like hit the floor in my room it's my phone flying across because I like literally can't just lock it and set it down i have to like physically launch it out of my hand i know i've seen you

do it and i remember one time you did it and josiah was like oh and went and picked it up and gave it back to you and you were like no and you threw it back and you and josiah were like okay bitch like dramatic it's not like come into my room and be like i need to detox from my phone i'm getting off my phone we We need to leave the house. And I'm like, okay. And I'm sitting there like on my phone or doing something in my room. And two seconds later, he goes, I'm withdrawing. I really want to look at my phone right now.

Bitch, it's been like three seconds and you're with a human right now. I legitimately get iPhone withdrawals. Like I need to go to rehab for my fucking phone. But back to the happiness conversation. Life is only suffering from the second you're born to the second you die you will suffer every single day period that's the end of it no i'm fucking kidding and i mean it is it truly is i'm about to start crying because everything bad that can happen to me has been happening to me. Yeah.

I'm just excited for this year to get wrapped up. Although next year and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that doesn't seem like the most promising next few years. It's always unstable. You really never know. You just don't know. And I'm 17 next year. We all know about the 17 club people die when they're 17 and who knows maybe i'll die do you think they're gonna penalize

chapel roan for contributing to population decline penis lies because she's a lesbian hopefully because i was watching snl and i was like oh my god i love her so much she's so awesome and then i released like i was re-watching it a few days after the election. So I was really, really spiraling because. No, I just was. And I was like, oh my God, what if we get to a point that she like gets like fined for saying that women are better than men on TV, which guys, it's not going to happen. Seriously.

OK, we need to move on because i'm actually gonna start freaking out um well australia's pr team is a fucking shit show because i literally haven't seen a single positive thing about living there like not one there's a hole in the ozone layer that's melting people's fucking skins off there's spiders everywhere like literally eating people alive there's like the most poisonous snakes in the world just like living like an inhabitable you shouldn't be there it's inhospitable it's literally you should not be there like i think there's like something like three cities where like 99 of the population lives and then the rest is just like literally like mad max level of desert where it's just like literally you can't survive out there and then also don't even get me fucking started about the goddamn flies bitch you have to wear like fucking fly hats because these flies are like attracted to the co2 leaving your body so they

just like attack your face and try to get in your nose out eyes mouth and ears so you have to wear these hats like when you just go outside and then also those fucking birds the magpies like the fucking magpies if you ride your bike down the road magpies will swoop down and try to no they try to eat your eyes out of your skull i'm not kidding like they literally there's videos of people like where magpies are just like fucking attacking them yeah i've seen a girl walking like there's this girl who runs and she always is trying out new hats to see if she gets attacked i'm like at what cost why do you live there like i don't understand i mean honestly how are they going to get out because like every flight is literally 24 hours away like and it's also eight thousand dollars

to leave yeah but the surfing's nice let's say a couple nice things i don't i don't know anything about australia it's probably easy to tan i think their economy is strong i heard that strong economy weird accent but what i don't like about australia is that australian guys are always tall and strong and they'll beat me up like every australian person i've ever met yeah has like pulled my pants down and fucking like beat me up and humiliated me how often do you meet guys from australia i saw jordan barrett once who's jordan barrett the mother oh yeah oh the scary guy yeah he's australian yeah he got caught stealing cigarettes another bad pr stunt from australia he got caught stealing cigarettes and he got casted for it

oh when he was younger i thought like now because i was like girl why are you stealing cigarettes and he got casted for it oh when he was younger i thought like now because i was like girl why are you stealing cigarettes now now you're just bored no i saw he is the weirdest looking person ever and i'm sorry i like i'd like god bless but like no psl is different from appeal he is he is weird looking but i do i'm like fuck i look so much like him that maybe i'm just projecting like that is your twin that is your that's kind of my twin that was your twin i would be grossed out like no you're you're more like chico twin coded you got chico vibes who's that chico he's like appeal versus like jordan barrett's psl chico's appeal you know what i just thought of when we were at the store and you were like yeah that's a cheat code and the girl thought you said oh my god that of when we were at the store and you were like, yeah, that's a cheat code. And the girl thought you said.

Oh, my God. We were at the store and this girl like knew who we were and she worked there. And if you're listening to this, I fucking loved your energy. You were a fucking vibe like you were lit. And she was just like chatting us up. And we were just like talking about like what we had been up to. And she was like, oh, my God, y'all were like randomly in fucking arizona for the urban outfitters thing like i went there and i had friends there and they saw you and it was all it was fucking crazy um and then

i can't remember how it got there i think she was like talking about like people go to the school to like go to a party yeah so you could like get a scholarship and then just go fuck off and like party yeah and get a that's chico and i was like oh yeah that's a cheat code i do not look like this guy i know you don't not at all i fucking wish yeah you don't look like him at all this is appeal this guy's so handsome makes me depressed like this is their other god i hate men who look like that i think he's so cute looking but i would never i need like a 46 year old like if i'm gonna find a man attractive he has to have like a bit of character to his face and look like i scars i can't stand like a roblox like dressed to impress looking motherfucker i can't stand it well me and drew are obsessed with

looking like that so and we'll do whatever it's crazy i'm gonna i've been bone smashing i was gonna say um gua sha is the girl equivalent to bone smashing yeah because i saw a girl on my timeline who had gua sha'd so hard all her blood vessels had popped and all the comments were like girl chill out chill the fuck out but anyways this girl was like or i was like oh like that's such a cheat code like a cheat code to a video game and she was like yeah that's so chico and then i was like yeah yeah it's a cheat code and i like enunciate and she's like yeah that is so chico when we left we were laughing so hard because i was like okay what would that even imply i don't want to know what it would imply but also just the idea that like drew phillips is in a

store saying that's so cheap yeah we need to make chico i'm assuming she had like a friend named chico or there's like a legend chico legend at the campus or something. Or maybe she's a member of Mogwarts. Mogwarts Academy. Kshami. You have your Harry Potter hat on. Isn't that the hat that chooses people? The sorting hat. What are you?

I feel like you're Slytherin. One thing about me is fuck Harry Potter. And you're Gryffindor. I'm sorry. I'm Slytherbone. What? What was that? Slytherin. It's Thark Harry Potter. And it's Gryffindor, I'm sorry. I'm Slytherbone. What? What was that? Slytherbone. That making you laugh so hard is crazy.

Slytherbone. Fuck. Fuck. Right, right. Fuck. Well, I think I've decided that somebody saying something is fascinating is the most condescending thing ever like it's interesting in movies where they're like fascinating okay bitch because one it's not two you're being fucking condescending as fuck

like if i told my story like a story to somebody and all they were to say in reply was that's fascinating that's fascinating i would fucking hit them fascinating to me is a fight word like oh that's fascinating i'm so fucking sure that's fascinating to you like it literally just sounds so demeaning it's it's like the same as someone describing like a food as interesting like i know you hate it and i know you don't like it just say you don't like it say it's not your flavor is interesting like you literally don't like it like that's me to matcha like i don't like matcha i never will it tastes like i'm fucking drinking like cow chewed grass like and that's okay i love matcha though i love that bitter taste like i can't stand a matcha a lot of y'all don't even fuck with matcha like i

understand matches all the rave right now but a lot of y'all don't fuck with matcha the way i do and me and my girls do because why the fuck are you adding blueberry raspberry like all these things also actually we need to talk about that a lot of y'all are adding like raspberries to your coffee what the fuck are we talking about like even even the banana coffee, you're pushing it. Like all the flavoring of coffee is pushing it. Like they put bananas in the coffee? Yeah, some people make banana syrup, which I will say actually does sound delicious for two sips.

And then it sounds like it would give me an insane. I really can't eat bananas. It would give me heartburn. Yeah, I get like welts on my tongue and throat when I eat bananas. Not in like a crazy way like eating oysters, mussels, clams would. But like I'd literally like the enzymes or some shit like melt my tongue away. I really want the banana Fortnite Crocs. I was just saying that literally the banana Fortnite Crocs, the Battle Bus Crocs, the pink ones are the most horrifying piece of clothing I've ever seen created. I mean, to be fair, all of them are like terrifying. But the banana ones are like terrifying. Oh, I should've ever seen created i mean to be fair all of

them are like terrifying but the banana ones are like terrifying oh i should tell my parents to get me that for christmas wait i need to send that to them also um azul is kind and don't fuck with azul because i randomly looked up how much azul costs i found azul on the street and azul is like a paid experience of a cat he's the dumbest cat i've like ever interacted with dude azul randomly also if you don't know because i feel like i never talk about azul anymore azul is my fucking cat um dude he's terrible she has like become obsessed actually what's what's weird, the older Azul gets, the more like a boy he starts to act to me. So now he's like kind of just been a boy for the past year

because he has become obsessed with cardboard boxes, not in the way most cats are where they get in it and they play and they're cute. Azul takes out this aggression that I've never seen an animal do. He doesn't eat it. He doesn't like swallow the cardboard, but he very meticulously, it's like he's a little Amazon worker. Like he goes up eat it he doesn't like swallow the cardboard but he very meticulously it's like he's a little amazon worker like he goes up to and he's like like he just bites it

and spits it out yeah he just bites it and spits it out and then plays with the cardboard pieces and then just like circles around it like he killed something and walks away and there's a cardboard box under my bed because i have all his canned food like shoved in this box under my bed i'll be laying in bed and i just wake up to like under my bed and it's like a thumping sound and i go under my bed and it's just a zool with two paws in the box and then his like all the rim of it is plastic and chewed up cardboard also he has started to eat my vinyl records yeah he literally goes to like i have all of my records like leaned up against my desk he goes and he it literally feels like he's picking something out which i should start playing the records he pulls out

that's and see if my cat can be smart but that's not the case he He just, whatever. He chose Vangelis. Yeah, he chose Vangelis. And then the other one was, what's that fucking? Yo la tengo. Yo la tengo. Also, he chewed a hole in an air mattress. Oh, yeah. Like, he's straight up like a dog. We can't have air mattresses in the house because Azul finds them and he eats them. He finds them and he eats them.

Azul's a munch. He's a cat. Yeah, it's an animal. I was looking at Azul today and i was like it is so funny how we just picked this animal to be like the animal like cats and dogs are like that no i don't i don't think that i think they chose us i don't know they could control us i truly do think that like i really that fucking parasite study is crazy and i know we all got but i love cats in the craziest way like i send it i send at least three cat videos a day like to my friends and family i fucking love cats he's the most

beautiful cat ever he is so cute like he's always beautiful and when he looks at me with this face i'm like this cat i love how he has no neck have you seen the kitten that says hello no oh let me let me show you this hold that hoe up because i need to see that oh my god i love brah i literally love him if you look up there i found an azul um whisker oh really yeah oh whoa it's long as hell oh this is it this is it i think this is a whisker are you stuck i want a kitten sometimes oh i know sometimes I feel like Azul can say hello. And I'm not kidding because sometimes he does this very specific meow only when I'm in the

bathroom and he's standing outside because he wants to get in there. He does not like the bathroom door closed because anytime I'm in there, he comes up and meows at it. And then like he knows it's me. Like Azul doesn't give a fuck about me. Actually, Azul, look, he loves me. He sleeps with me. He hates the bathroom door closed.

Not that he likes to hang out hates the bathroom door closed not that he likes to hang out in the bathroom but he likes the option of going into a room where one of us is in there like he doesn't like to be closed off um and i love him so much he is so cute and he loves the heated blanket like usually he lays up here and sleeps next to my shoulders but since i have the heated blanket now he'll like scrounge around and like lay half on me half off me and i love when i'm playing fortnite and he comes and he lays across my lap like a little loaf oh my god i literally he's grown up so much in the last i know if when azul dies i think i'm gonna kill myself oh my god i'm gonna kill myself would you kill yourself if

i died yeah okay good i mean it doesn't take much um well the last thing i want to talk about is family data plans did y'all have those oh my god yeah bro oh my god like i forgot about the trauma that a family data plan caused me as like a kid that was obsessed with the internet i know every single month three days in four days in our family would get a text in the family group chat saying that we've used 90 of our data plan and then my fucking sister figured out a way to fucking call on her iphone to see by number who's using the data and every single time without fail it was me using 90 of the data before anybody could but it was also like it felt like it took nothing i genuinely remember getting being in school and it would be like the day after the vmas and i need to see what people tweeted

and i'm on my phone just looking at twitter and even just seeing gifs and fucking picture replies would take up so much of it and it would destroy it also did you ever have to like go in and check how much like of the data you've used like all the time yeah like i would do it all the time and it literally felt like undoing a bomb every time i was doing that because even that felt like it was using data like everything on my phone remember minutes yes or i. Or I didn't. No, no, no, no, no. I never had minutes. I mean, I did have minutes, but like I never used the phone. Oh, I had minutes. But there was like minutes and then there was something with like texting too.

Like there was only a certain amount of like text. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And oh my God, I fucking hated that that like not being able to reply to my crush because i used up all my shit and i would just have to go to school and be like sorry i couldn't reply like i literally sorry i couldn't play 23 questions with you that's why kick was so popular because it was like before like messenger i got groomed on kick oh duh y'all i've been thinking a lot about the experiences i had from 14 to 17 even 18 a lot of people are going to jail um a lot of people wait so these experiences happened like the first couple years of the podcast yeah like, like two years ago. Oh. Three.

I didn't know that you were going through that. Yes. If I had known, I would have. I mean, it's not even that big of a deal. He's being so. Yeah, I'm being dramatic. Yeah, chill out, dude. Okay. Wait, what is this?

If you had to accept an award, do you think you would be like BuzzFeed? Like, thank you, humans, whatever. Or do you think you would be like buzzfeed like thank you humans whatever or do you think you would be like uh very serious uh i'd probably take my shirt off i think i would want a hope core edit so i would drop an insane amount of lore and i would trauma actually we need someone to do that we need somebody to get up on that stage and accept a grammy and just trauma think no one and just like say like the worst thing destroy the vibe oh my god yesterday i had the saddest experience in the fucking dispensary and it was genuinely like oh my god it was so jarring i pulled up and this person this guy parked right

in front of me and walked in before me and as i'm heading in it's all glass windows and i see him talking to the girl and I just see him like drop his head and start like sobbing. And the girl comes around who is helping him who worked there and hugged him. And he was just like, when I came in, somebody else had to help me check my ID

because he like immediately also, it was like, I'm so sorry. I genuinely think this person was going through it and I did feel so much empathy, but I couldn't help but find the humor and the fact that he was like sobbing so hard he was like yeah um I'll take uh this disposable pen the one gram um and like was crying I was like this is such a crazy vibe but it was really really sad and I wanted to say something to him because

he was having the kind of sob that i was like this has to be somebody who's grieving somebody and like there had to have just been like a word exchange like maybe he hasn't seen anybody and i felt so bad because he kept saying sorry which also to hear a man say sorry so much i was like wow like there are one good one there's a one there are one um but like it was really jarring but i need somebody to do what that guy did in the dispensary and like how he shifted the mood in there i need him somebody to do that just kill the vibe just literally get up on stage be like this means so much to me because i think i yeah i was gonna say i think i might just scream into the mic like consume it and

scream like you remember what you used to do on like xbox or like when you had to use wired headphones and you could put the mic in your mouth and scream into it and it would be the most deafening sound that's my acceptance i still do that to my friends on fortnite i will literally just like join a party put the like i have the ps the PS5. I have a PS5. Really? So I just will put the controller into my mouth. It's kind of like I'm munching on the box of my controller. And then I'll just like. But I think it peaks out.

Yeah, it peaks out. Because there's certain microphones that people have found that are better for screaming into and it's like those ones that are like an earpiece right here that go those always yeah those are like the goat of like screaming oh yeah that guy uh was really scary and it made me sad and i wanted to say something but i was like honestly the last time i spoke to a stranger who i thought was crying it was embarrassing for me so i'm not gonna do that even though this guy was obviously probably follow you home the other yeah that was the other thing is i was like i can't talk to this man because sadly you can't be nice to you can't be nice to a man because he's gonna think that he's gonna marry you um well i think the worst

thing that's ever happened to me worse than my brother Worse than my grandpa and grandma dying of COVID. Fumbling me. Who fumbled you? You fumbled me. Because I wanted you. And then you were like, no. No, no, no. You fumbled me.

But look at me. And look at me. Hello. And just imagine me. We should. If they start doing it so that we could have a baby and like it would be in a test tube and not a surrogate i would genuinely do that with you i think we could probably figure that out yeah i mean we could probably combine our dna in a test

tube and then implant it in someone to carry it for us i just don't want someone else to carry my baby so you guys should just fucking get pregnant have a baby then so that's all you think women are good for is to have a wow not at all not at all that's one of the many things that i celebrate women on doom hi you're crazy for that i saw a like discussion unfolding because of everything happening where it was talking about how so many people in this generation feel lost because the women aren't having kids and just by human nature we're supposed to have kids first of all kill yourself that's it exactly i mean we should collapse the population because like there's not going to be fucking evil people to be in power but whatever um worse than Trump getting reelected, worse than my bug dying and you killing my bug, murdering it in cold blood,

is coming home from the drive-thru and not checking your bag before and realizing there's no sauce in that goddamn bag. I swear to God, that will quite literally ruin my week. Like that ruins my... The sauce? Yes.

Someone out there relates, like the most important part of a meal to me is buffalo sauce. If I don't get buffalo sauce... Well, yeah, I guess because you're just somebody who you use food as a vehicle for condiments. You're not like eating food for this the like flavor of the food you're eating it to have ranch or buffalo or like kewpie mayo because everything drew eats he slathered ranch buffalo and kewpie mayo though i could literally survive on just those three the thing is ranch alone kind of grosses me out like ranch there's like a very specific like the ranch in the bottle from the salad for salads that ranch can i tell you something what i i went into the refrigerator

like three days ago and there was a cup of ranch in there and i literally drank it and licked it clean from Wingstop. That is crazy, Drew. Like, the thing is, everybody knows online it's like the ranch from Wingstop is goaded. But I don't think people are consuming it the way you've taken it to a level that it's genuinely like. It's really, it's, I mean, I'm drinking it. Drew, like, licks the bowl. No, I lick the lid he literally gets mad when i'm about to throw away like this level of ranch away after eating bro i could use oh my god the other day i got a swing stop and he was like they only gave us two things of ranch as if that's not enough you get three fucking tenders

like you just want to drink the ranch it's so weird and then it like i feel like most people order the big tub and it feels wasteful because you get the big tub and it's like i'm not using all this ranch i literally watch drew like you know the mukbanger girls who like dunk it in and do it to like for the visual like nasty effect drew does that unironically without cameras so far his fingers get coated like and then i lick my fingers clean oh buffalo sauce too buffalo sauce is very good it does like don't try it to me tastes like what when i know it is summertime i get like a certain kind of sweat that comes out of my body buffalo sauce smells like that like that very specific like like spiked sweat stench so body odor yeah is what buffalo sauce but in a really good way um

buffalo sauce but if you haven't tried it do not fucking try it because you will live your entire fucking life chasing that goddamn high like the first time i had it i knew a switch flipped into my brain and i was like this is what's gonna kill me it's like straight up my heroin like i'm not kidding like it really like i'm chasing the magic dragon but you don't like buffalo sauce the way i do because i you don't buffalo wings from seven you don't know nothing about me in my buffalo sauce i guess i will say you have put me on sauce like i wasn't like i wasn't like a sauce connoisseur like that before i met you also you saying the coochie thing made me think of this wait wait wait wait wait wait el. Elon Musk's body looks like an autopsy.

Was that a psyop? No, I saw someone comment that on TikTok, and I thought it was quite literally the funniest thing I've ever... I think someone emailed that to the email, too. Oh, really? It literally... He's a what? His body looks like an autopsy. Okay, so that's our curse of the week goes out to Elon Musk.

I had that written down. You will wake up from a ferocious dream where you are on fire only to wake up and realize you actually are on fire and you are paying in real time for all of the sins against humanity you have created and um you will be dying soon so count your fucking days if i put a curse on you bitch you're not fucking making it and i'm putting the curse on you elon musk you will perish elon musk you will perish elon musk you will perish oh my god he's so fucking nasty he's clear oh my god he's clear he's fucking clear bro

okay i'm i'm moving on. Drew Sayev. Hey. I hate when motherfuckers say shit like, it's a quarter till nine. Bitch, just say it's 875. Goddamn, y'all stupid. I'm like shaking. That riled me up. That really got me going.

It's okay. I cursed him. He's not going to make it. We should buy everybody. If we all bought Etsy spells. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. up like that really got me going it's okay i cursed him he's not gonna make yeah we should buy everybody if we all bought etsy spells okay i'm done i'm done i'm done another night no sex i feel like an inmate out of the eight dudes you're talking to why do you got to tell me you're hungry or wait no no fuck i read that wrong out of the eight dudes you're talking to out of the eight dudes you're talking to why do you have to tell me you're hungry

you did read it like that the first time that is exactly how you read it the first time okay okay um you just added a verbal comma this time ew don't give me a kid i'm gonna name that bitch spinach wheel i'm gonna name my kid bethany moda bro my kids names i have them i'm gonna have two girls one boy no karma mantis what's what's the boy's name karma mantis orchid orchid orchid karma mantis is an orchid orc i'm gonna name my kid um mythic item boogie bomb gold scar gold scar yeah

wait hold on there's definitely somebody who's asked chat gbt what they should name their baby and they named the fucking baby that yeah so far and they buy tesla cars i can't read right now i'm like actually having like a trouble reading a trouble reading yeah i can read for you why are you as a man a man, getting up early? Rise and grind. The fuck are you grinding on? A cock? Grinder. Old people at weddings always poking you saying you're next.

So I started doing the same to them at funerals. I'm going to hell, bruh. That's a good one. Marriage is a death sentence. Who sent those? Wait, there's more. I know people be talking about me. It me it's okay though because i talk about y'all too and i'm way funnier sometimes the person you want isn't most isn't one you need you want sometimes the person you want isn't most isn't you one need you want the is 100 emoji

huh suzanne shout out suzanne oh my god shout out suzanne um and shout out Madeline. And shout out Kelly H. Kelly 8. Okay. My media of the week is, I'll tell you now, Lindsay Buckingham, Can't Stop Loving You, Soul Dog, Make Love to Me, Carrie Cleveland, and Expecting to Fly, Buffalo Springfield. And then for movies, I watched Moonstruck with Nicolas Cage and Cher and it was so good. It was just a hoot and a holler

and it was so charming. I miss when movies were charming. Yeah, I miss like old rom-coms. It was cute. I'm a cinephile. We really need to change that fucking word. What is it called when you are really excited about feet? Pedophile.

It is. Is that really what it is? P-E-D-I. Ped. I didn't think that you were actually going to follow through with that. Oh my God. Wait, hold on. Wait, is that actually what it is?

That's what I was setting him up for, but I thought he was going to say something else. It has to be a different word. It's got to be. It's got to be. But ped is like the word for foot. There's an old zen right here, and it's like grossing me out. Zen?

Yeah. The stains? Look. The stains in this house y'all if you could see if you could see the squalor we fucking live in it's really nasty and i don't have media i have media uh it's real it's real media microcosm by veronica everhart and i love that song really she's goaded um microcosm by veronica everhart and rock solid by two shell um well cheapa motto sure moon child like what the fuck do you want? Bye. Outro Music