Emergency Intercom - Drew got a neuralink

Episode Date: February 2, 2024

Drew reveals he is neuralink patient zero, Enya addresses her fortnite haters and they discuss josiah on jason nash's tiktok live Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music, and it's not just sounds and instruments, it's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. This winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter Airlines. Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter fares include beer, wine, and snacks, and free fast-streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit flyporter.com and actually enjoy economy. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom.

Drew has been in the bathroom for 30 minutes. I'm just starting without him because I'm annoyed and I want to get this over with. It's a job. Just because it's fun doesn't mean it's not a job. That's actually what people don't realize is everybody thinks, oh, my life is so easy, but this is a job, guys. And I treat it as such. I treat it... Drew?

Drew, come in. I haven't seen him for like two days. Really? Yeah, he's just been locked't seen him for like two days. Really? Yeah, he's just been locked in his room. Why are you... Sounds weird. What the fuck? Oh my God.

What happened? Drew, open your eyes. Did you get a facelift? What is wrong with you? What's all the bandages? You're... Oh, oh, oh, oh. Drew, you're knocking into stuff.

What's wrong with you, Drew? I got the Neuralink. Oh my God, is that you? Are you the one who got the fucking Neuralink? I'm patient, Zero, and the Neuralink. Why did they let you out? I saw that. Did you see somebody got in?

Tesla. Tesla. Why did they let you out? Wait, did they just put the Tesla chip chip in a person i don't think that musk by tesla stock are you okay i don't think you're healing right i don't know why they would let you out if you hello why are you staring you're like the narrow link gave you amazing seems kind of fucked up right no that's what i'm saying i don't think the narrow link is working if you're like...

God, I can see the old him behind his eyes, but I can tell that his body... He's locked in there. He might still be him. What's wrong? You're like convulsing. Is it like fucking with like... Your legs are still twisted the way they usually are, so you're in there somewhere. Hello?

Are you okay? I'm good. I'm good. Did you just restart? I have like a calculator in there somewhere. Hello? Are you okay? I'm good. I'm good. Did you just restart? I have like a calculator in my brain. I'm doing math. I'm like, I'm like, I'm doing the math of those flowers over there.

Something that y'all wouldn't understand. What's the math of flowers? Sacred geometry, golden ratio, shit like that. Oh, okay. Fibonacci. I actually can drive my car with my brain now that's really all there is to it that's all it does why would somebody get it kai why can't you look at him in the face it's not him like i don't know how to explain it it's just not him anymore

you can't breathe in that or something like it's like cutting off your circulation like you actually cry like they took my brain they took my frontal lobe can you review it like i'm yeah everyone's probably interested so the surgery uh was really weird they had like a capuchin monkey next to me that like they took it out of that monkey's brain wait so, so you got a used Neuralink? Well, yeah, they were like, oh, we can give you a used one because we already know it works and whatnot. And so they put me down. I wasn't even asleep.

I was wide awake and they legally couldn't put me under anesthesia or some shit. And they thought I couldn't feel anything because I lied and I told them I was paraplegic because that's the only way I was able to get it. Wheeled in there in a wheelchair, did all that whole shit, acted blind. How could they not test you for that? I feel like they probably would have known.

Did they just take your word? I just have like a really high pain tolerance, I guess. Okay, that's not what. Yeah, okay. I'm just like really strong. I'm like stronger than the average human. And especially with this Tesla. Tesla, fuck. okay i'm just like really strong i'm like i'm like stronger than the average human and especially with this uh tesla um tesla fuck it kind of just seems like it gave you like a minor elon fucking

musk musk fuck um you're like um yeah so they laid me down on that table put it in um dude no they elon musk fucked it into me oh okay yeah it's like a colon you know that picture where it's like massage her brain with books or whatever yeah that's what Elon did with his wiener to get the narrow link in there exactly okay um that's promising but yeah it's like so far it's been like Tesla like really like actually good like i mean you seem i mean you're not the fastest on your feet ever yeah you seem but you don't seem faster well i can drive my car without using my hands i don't know if that's necessarily worth it because you kind of can't walk anymore they won't let me use my fucking iphone either oh because they're starting their own phones well i just can't look at bright lights blue light um but yeah so that was my story i'm

the first person to get the neural link installed my hands work for all the haters saying that like my hands and legs wouldn't work after like i would die like i'm fine i just have like a couple fucking ticks and now i'm better than you period like i don't know if you're better than me because i don't know if you would ever pass a dui ever again i have to keep the bandage on for four months though four months yeah you're gonna like rot through it okay i'm done talking about this because y'all are just like bullying me um i'm not bullying you i'm just like they warned me they warned me they said there will be a lot of haters that's what the doctor said to you i got the mark of the beast i got the mark of

the beast i'm a god they were like okay make sure you wash around your ins like in incisions is it i'm not allowed to shower for like three months oh okay so they were like make sure you don't get wet and also there will be a lot of haters ops they use the word ops the doctor said ops to you oppenheimer yeah i guess that's doctor lingo um but yeah do you feel like it's changed your personality at all like no okay shut the fuck up okay he's still here he's still here. Fuck you too. Fuck you. Do you want to be saying that or are they like programming you to say that? Wait, should we do some tests on him?

Yeah. Elon Musk has a giant penis. All right. Giant penis, Elon Musk. Drew, how do you feel about the libs? Libtards. Yeah, it seems like it had some side effects. We need to kill all liberals.

Oh. Demoncrats. Demoncrats. Well, that's kind of blurring the lines of things Drew would just say normally, so it's kind of hard to do. Bro, it's just troll shit. Like, I'm on my troll shit. Like, I just tweeted 14 tweets from my brain, like, directly to Twitter or X. Like, I'm on my troll shit like i just tweeted 14 tweets from my brain like directly to twitter or x like i'm gonna do any of that shit with neural link like what is it actually for is

it for medical purposes or is it actually because i saw this thing that they were doing for addicts that they can go in you could get a brain surgery or something gets inserted into your brain to try and stop you from being an addict so they're trying to like solve addiction via surgery and there was this video that was like really emotional and i was like wow this would be insane this will save lives i wouldn't i would like to watch this video so i watched the video um two of the people relapse not soon after one of them dropped out and didn't want to be uh have his data taken anymore because he was on the verge of relapsing and only one guy has been like well that's a 25 success rate i guess true but also like i think i guess maybe that's what addicts need is a camera

on them 24 7 to guilt and shame yeah exactly so we'll get that uh for you with that app you have like your problem with maybe uh not anymore i'm not allowed to use my phone oh is that why you got it so you could stop using Grindr for 12 hours a day? Yes. That was Drew's final push. Yeah. I got the Neuralink installed because I was addicted to Grindr. Well, I just want us to play the video of

Drew dead asleep on the floor, drunk as fuck one more time for podcast sake. I mean, we could drive him to the hospital. No, I'm not going to the hospital no i'm not going to the hospital we could just drive to the hospital it wouldn't cost four thousand dollars the thing is mason last night was literally throwing up like four times in a row we did take him to the hospital so i'm like why do we have to take drew to the hospital look at him

he's way worse than mason this is like project x yeah i know what if this is like um because i was watching it again and it is insane that i was so drunken in a different state of mind that i looked at this dead person on the floor and i was like we need to change this also he's fine like it actually freaks me out the way you look your behavior in that was crazy it was the last time i felt any love from inya from that moment on she's just hasn't loved me the same something switched something switched i saw which slipped inside him i saw a side of you that was just so repulsive that night but i was saying you deserve love i was saying the other day that I want to do that again. Like, I really need to get to that state again.

It's been since that day that I've ever gotten even close to being that drunk before. And I think it's time to, like, relive it. But, like, my luck, I would accidentally fucking die. Like, I would accidentally, like, OD on alcohol. I'll get you fucked up. If you want, I'll get you fucked up. Hey! Just say the word, bro. I'll get you fucked up if you want I'll get you fucked up hey just say the word bro I'll smoke you out

Tesla we could do Edward 40 hands but just us I have a 40 tattoo what yeah he does on his thigh yeah I gave it to myself

when I was 16 are you serious yeah how have I never noticed that during our sessions I know that's what I'm saying it's cause you guys

keep the lights on cause you're both so scared of yourselves so you should find security in your body to see my body and kai doesn't want me to see his body we both have the apple headsets on yeah for real dude somebody is fully gonna bone with that shit on it it's gonna be it's gonna be fucking me wait the apple headset's gonna be fucking you or you're gonna no no i'm gonna be doing it they should have added a fleshlight extension to it that you can plug usbc into it and it will pulsate with the video no no that already be a thing someone's working it is i talked to somebody

recently who had an addiction to it oh yeah you were telling me about that yeah it was like this guy that i know that was like i hit rock bottom recently because i caught myself like fishing the dick sucker machine and vr headset out of a dumpster like like he threw it away and then went out for it because he was like the post nut depression hits so different when right after you lean back and you're in like a ready player one headset and you like pull it off and you're like covered in cum and he was just like like i noticed i asked basically i was around him and i asked him like why he had a nokia phone and he was like oh like i hit rock bottom recently he told me this whole story but he was basically like

i got rid of like my computer my ip iPhone all this stuff because I like entered like this very dystopian period of my life and he was like there's porn that like syncs up like the dick sucker machine syncs up with the video and it uses AI what's it called? I actually don't know what it's called

we actually have an affiliate link this episode for that machine surprise! it's crazy men's rock bottom is switching from the apple universe to nokia universe so you can have the perfect masturbation ploy and women's rock bottom is writing every day in your journal um with the strange delusion that one day will be published after you die and you think you're making the next bell jar like that's the two rock bottoms like of the gender i can't fix him. I can fix him. No, bitch, you're just,

you're probably more crazy than him. You're fucking. Dude. I think the Neuralink had some effect on his timing. Oh my God. You're done. Oh, wow. Sorry, guys. This this neural link has to buffer so you can come back

i can't feel my fucking legs i can't feel my fucking legs but it's okay yeah one the side effects of the Neuralink is when you get super embarrassed your legs give out so that you can distract to something else girls rock bottom is switching from Diva Cup to Tampax nice

hell yeah that was good I haven't been hitting so long that is true it's been a minute That was good. I'm like, I haven't been hit in so long. That is true. It's been a minute. Okay, so I was on tick. That hurt my hand so bad.

Also, remember that era where people actually thought I was getting abused by my podcast? Oh, yeah. People were like, I don't know. It just feels weird. It's happened so often. Yeah. And then there were comments like, but he likes it. He says he likes it guys we don't know the full side of the story until he says something it's nuanced it's new

there's like great yeah it's different um okay so i was on tiktok and i saw this slideshow of course you were oh my fucking god um and this girl posted saying a few days ago, an HBO intern accidentally sent a mass blank email with the subject line, integration test email number one to thousands of subscribers. Not that big of a deal. HBO tweeted out saying, we mistakenly sent out an empty test email to a portion of our HBO Max mailing list this evening.

We apologize for the inconvenience. And as the jokes roll in, yes, it was an intern. No, really. And we're helping them through it. Heart. And then people started responding with like horror stories that they had when they were interns. And like they were just killing me today. So I wanted to read a few to y'all because they're super funny. This person's response is, Dear Intern, When I was 25,

I made a PDF assigning each employee to the Muppet they reminded me of the most. I meant to send it to my work friend, but I accidentally sent it to the entire company. My supervisor, Beaker, wanted to fire me, but the owners, Bert and Ernieton ernie intervened also what's fucked up is beaker is such a diss but all i want is when we were watching the muppets drew was like i'm beaker i'm beaker like i'll be beaker and we were all like yeah you can be beaker bro like nobody wants to be fucking beaker insert a picture of beaker i love beaker so bonk beaker doesn't speak

at all that's so me coded i go back to my room for 30 minutes yeah i'll let you read the next one dear intern i was using my desktop oh why'd you give me this one oh wow okay dear intern i was using my desktop calendar to make a monthly note when i started my menstrual period menstrual period you didn't have to say period period when i started my menstrual cycle but after several months i realized i was making that note on a calendar i shared with all of my colleagues company-wide i was 37 years old mortifying horrifying this one is dear intern oh i don't like this one um this one's my favorite one hashtag dear intern me to the ceo of a large company his name is alan i was 34 then it's a screenshot of an email from the guy and he says good morning anal

i'll let you read the last one dear intern one time i sent out an email on behalf why are you flipping the camera off i sent out an email on behalf of the organization's board of directors with a link to a custom thank you video that was meant to show appreciation the link redirected to a lady in her pajamas loudly reviewing hot cheetos recipe fails i cried twice that day and that's all of them oh this one's crazy um i was an intern at a podcast and uh about a year into the podcast I realized that I had broken into their house a year prior and shaved my pubes in their

house and now it's weird because I work at the same podcast that I don't okay you already stopped and walked you don't have you fucking hurt me kai your fucking face hurt me now my hand hurts look how red it is that's crazy um wow it's tingling it's tingling okay well yeah that was boring as fuck. Sorry, y'all. Jesus Christ.

I'm fucking boring. I'm so fucking boring. Well, I decided Drew had his beard. Like, why did we let Drew have that scary-ass fucking beard for so long? Like, no one... Oh, I know. Yeah, when I see videos of you with your scary beard, it actually is so fucking jarring. And it sometimes disrupts when I'm watching, like, an edit of something.

And it's, like, a an edit of something and it's like a cute edit of like us talking about being friends forever and then i see a clip of that i'm like oh whoa yeah there's so much content of you with that nasty beard yeah it's just more of like a man thing like people with vaginas just wouldn't get it um and it's more of like like every winter i grow out my beard to stay warm yeah they, I feel like people with vaginas would get it, personally. Are you insinuating that women grow out their bushes to insulate their bodies? Ew, Kai. Why would you say that?

Why would you say that? Why were you just saying that you want to have sex with your boss? I know. So weird. I wasn't saying that. Dear intern, I got fired because I sexualized my boss. Oh, my life sucks and I'm going to prison. What?

I was defending women. Drew said some misogynistic shit. Oh, and I'm going to small claims court because she has a really decent case against me because the audio is something I actually helped record. Okay, that's the last time I ever defended women. And then my lawyer was like, well, i can't help you and i quit because you recorded the evidence so there's no way to like fight this is this true kai no it's not that's all it's a bitch she's doing a bit fast forward two years from now kai newman in prison

imprisoned um okay so we didn't talk about it or we might have briefly talked about it i don't want to talk about it josiah being on what song was that it wasn't a song oh what the hell we don't talk anymore we don't talk anymore um no josiah being on jason nash was like a cultural cultural shift which was amazing. We'll insert the clip of the battle, like the end of the battle. Is that your music? Yeah.

Oh, good job, dude. Did you have a whole album you're making or just a single or what are you up to? Fuck you. What? I'm pissed off. Even making the right investments with Questrade, you get the right tools, stock insights, and proper guidance. So you can become a better investor. It's time to get the financial future. You deserve.

Get yours. Questrade. Did I win? I lost? Oh, it's not a yeah i mean you're already one in life you have a you have a um um which is so fucking funny but i was scrolling on my feed today and i saw that jason nash got swatted and for all the evil he's done i don't think it was deserved getting swatted is just fucking insane that's like terrifying it made me so sad um i wish uh josiah caught on to what i was trying to do because if

anybody watched it at the end when josiah's throwing his like fit that's the clip you hear like the gunshots but i was this is actually such a dark dark joke and like i'm sorry if it bothers anybody but like fucking liberal sorry the neural link jumped out um but i was trying because he kept walking away from the camera. So I wanted to play the gunshot and like make Josiah fall to the ground. So it sounded like he killed himself because he lost against Jason Nash on a live stream. And then I wanted to like, dude, I had a whole bit planned in my head and I wish I had thought about it before and told him that this is what we could have done. But I genuinely thought Josiah was going to win that fucking battle.

Also, mind you i spent a hundred and twenty dollars on that battle and i spent some fucking money too yeah trying to make josie win which i then had to go live and tell him to give me all my fucking money back so i could get my money back because he lost also i was gonna do that anyway because i'm not just gonna hand josiah 150 dollars but i was like give me my fucking money back i really thought josiah was gonna win which actually freaks me out because that means that off that live alone jason nash walked away with like over 200 which freaks me out but i wanted to make it seem like josiah killed himself and

i was gonna play ambulance sounds and drew does this really fucked up funny impersonation of like every time he's driving us around and like somebody like we're at a stop sign and he'll go through and he's like and like act like they hit us and it's gonna be fine and you and yeah it's gonna be okay and you go to the light your family's waiting on you it's gonna be okay because it's the same joke you did when we were at orion's gallery and i was in the bathroom for too long and drew went up to the door he was like like, get out! There's a fire! There's a fire! We're all leaving! Oh my god, dude. Is this going to happen all the time now? Because I don't want to fucking hang out with you.

It's going to get better. My ear is actually like really clogged right now. Well, no, your ear is not clogged you just tied that bandage around your head so fucking much you're actually gonna start like losing circulation no but it's cunty like am i giving like i'm giving like uh kanye's wife a little bit no you're giving like you just came back from a botched surgery in turkey no it's giving like country like it's giving yeah it's giving like a hands-made tail i've never seen that neither have i okay hands-made tail i think it's handmaiden's tail or is it hands-made i think it's the handmade tape actually i don't know

we're all living in different universes right now and we're clashing at the same moment right i do believe that we shifted dimensions at one point you think that every three days though yeah no i genuinely do and i think y'all are like different versions of yourself because i've noticed little things that are different are they like bad things or no it's just little minute details i pay attention to the little thing well i decided that if like um woman hates me i really don't care like it doesn't bother me but something about like a man hating me to the extent of talking shit about me like that seems so odd to me i don't have any examples but something about that like if a girl behind my back is talking shit about me i'm like go the ahead. I actually give you the green light.

Like, you deserve to. You deserve to talk shit about me. Like, for whatever reason it is, like, even if it's over something stupid, I don't care. But if a man got behind closed doors and was, like, calling me a bitch and stuff, I hope you die. No, that's just, like, pussy behavior. Yeah, like, be a man. Be a man and say it to my face because I'm going to call the police, actually. Oh.

Oh, no-hmm. Oh, no, but. We're going to cut that? Why? It wasn't me. It was the Neuralink. I really wonder if that shit's going to work. If it works, we're done.

I'm here. Dude, when I saw that tweet, it was like one of those moments where I was like, oh, I'll think about this forever. Like, this will be like the first sign of the end in a lot of ways. Like, you know the whole thing with CRISPR? Yeah. It's like CRISPR is like genetically engineering fetuses and stuff.

They're like, they basically made the technology to do gattaca and i'm like at some point those kids that were genetically engineered that are supposedly like they don't exist right now because it's like illegal they're gonna just show up you know like there was probably already genetically engineered also what the fuck does that do to a child who's been born in a lab like they genuinely don't have parents or family i think it's like it's born it's born inside of a surrogate mother yeah but you can like choose like the eye color or the hair color or the hair texture and you can just mod it to be whatever you want parents and stuff who even give a fuck about that like what are you gonna do sell the baby on timu like why are you trying to like breed the perfect baby it's so weird i mean i don't know if anybody's like doing it yet but like the fact that that's people are

like fuck i would love i you know there's some people out there who are like oh my god i hope that happens before i'm like 40 okay this slander is like actually driving me insane because how do you think i got to be the perfect specimen that i am like i look like jacob alordi i sound like beyonce when i sing i have really big muscles i have like a very perfect penis like there's a lot of things about me that like a lot of people like my parents paid good money saying you look like more like nicocado avocado kind of a that's what i do you saw that that was like the top comment of the last episode. Or like, what's that guy who gets followed by drones? With the face?

If you fucking say Daniel Larson. Yeah, I see a lot of Daniel Larson comparisons. Drew, no. Oh, God. He's going to get violent again. If you're going to hit anyone, it should be me again. No, he wants it. Don't give it to him when he wants it. I don't want to get violent again. If you're going to hit anyone, it should be me again. No, he wants it. Don't give it to him when he wants it.

I don't want to get hit. No, but when y'all talk shit about my parents like that because they made me the perfect person, it hurts me. Were they drunk when they were choosing their options? So they thought they were picking perfect skin, blue eyes, gorgeous hair. Oh, they used coupons? Yeah, they got a really good deal on it. They got a bonus coin so they could only get certain avatar makeshifts.

They turned the bubble butt setting all the way up. Yeah, they did. The clapper. It's crazy that when you do that you're literally just like bouncing on your toes every time like you i just went fucking in what freaks me out is that eventually you were going to be 80 and have like nieces and nephews who filmed the fuck out of you because you were going to be so psychotic like there's gonna be 8 000 videos on like some random child's mind iphone of drew being so scary yeah it's gonna be a problem that's how we're gonna keep up like i'm gonna be the grandpa what were you gonna say just the mind iphone it's the mind phone um

i showed in you this video today of this grandpa seeing himself for the first time. Oh, so sad. In a very long time. It's like the most heartbreaking, evil, dark video I've ever seen. In fact, I'll show you Kai real quick. It's going to freak Kai out because you're what? Like two years away from this guy's age or something?

No, I'm not a grandfather. I'm not a grandpa. We're literally matching right now. Look at the colors, they match. Is that me? Of course it's you. Get a gun and shoot me. Nothing you done about.

She goes on to say like, you're so beautiful, you're so handsome. That's the saddest video I've ever seen. I know, that's gonna be me. That's so sad, Drew, that actually made me so sad so sad I don't know do you need me to comfort you bitches be like working where's the work literally to them specifically but just be like I'm cooking in the studio yet they come out famished like where's the food do no that video was the saddest thing I've seen in a very long time and it broke my heart into a million pieces and i hate that we um do that to ourselves what

that we care about what we look like or yeah that's why i got the narrow link it's nothing physical it's just all mental i guess you do need more mental help than you do physical help at least at the very moment because after your buccal fat and your nose job you look really good oh and you need to get in a car crash on the way to the gym we go to the gym together exactly um okay so I have a note written down so for Christmas two years ago or maybe it was my birthday two years ago i was like sitting on the couch last night when i was like all alone and i started like tearing up thinking about like um the gift my dad got me it's literally gonna make me so sad actually but like it like the gifts like i don't know how to say without sounding mean but they're

like something i would never actually use um but he got me like two dildos as like a Christmas gift. I thought you were going to say something else. Also, like, it seems like he knows his son really well because I feel like he would actually use two at the same time because you're so used that if you just use one, it'll slip out and then you spend the whole time trying to like... Okay, I've had anal sex like 380 fucking times. That's not true.

Is it true that you're used yeah he's hella yeah what i'm not the only one no did you oh you told him that huh that's always your thing that's always your thing you always tell people i guess you calling me hole number 107 yeah no 307 when i texted you and i noticed that was my name in your phone but no my in in all seriousness my dad got me these two shirts and i was sitting i was ordering like some stuff off amazon and i looked up cool shirt designs on amazon and the shirts he got me popped up and like they're the weirdest looking fucking shirts ever but like just thinking about him like literally like buying me something that he thinks I would like enjoy. And like just like literally makes me so happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. But it was really sweet. And like I'm a fucking weirdo. And he knew these shirts were weird. And he got them for me anyways. Because he thought I'd like them. And I love them. And I still have them.

So sweet. Can I see them? They're like in my closet but i'll i'll just literally look up cool shirt looking up cool shirt what the fuck is happening on my phone right now this one what what is going on did you hit play on something no like is it tiktok it's my narrow link glitching what is playing on your fucking phone is it from spotify hello oh what it's just in your safari okay actually what the hell um but yeah it's because

you use your phone so fucking much that your phone just knows that it has to get the screen time up so it'll just start playing things because if you see your screen time drop you'll get really sad and then when um you see your boobs and vagina sag when you get 800 years old you're gonna be sad how about that When you get 800 years old. But, yeah, last night. Girl, fuck this. Like, literally fuck this. Like, actually. I'm being a podcast.

Literally fuck this. Like, actually fuck this right now. Like, I'm over it. Like, I have all these notes to talk about, but, like. Damn, that's a lot of notes. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck i am so tired right now but that's because i had to wake up early and i was out all fucking night

last night i was having that time of my fucking life oh i interacted with the most like insane presence of a waitress i've ever interacted with at the restaurant last night like she was such an overwhelming vibe she was a good vibe but sometimes when people are like a good vibe but too i don't know how to describe it we got there and it was just me happy people like no dude she she was happy though but it felt like she was she had induced happiness like it felt like she was on something happy she didn't feel like normally like just like oh sweet Like it felt like she was on something happy. She didn't feel like normally, like just like, oh, sweet,

happy. She felt like she was like looking at us and she was like, so your first time here. Okay. Oh yeah. I love that. No, welcome back.

And like, she was just like staring through me and gestures like bodies. And I was like, oh my God. And we ordered drinks. She's like, let me see your ID. No,

I got, I'm going to see that see that id the girl gave it to her and then she came back when Christian got there and Christian asked for a beer so she was like all of you look like 19 and we were like it's giving the girl at the hotel like typing on the keyboard like she was that's that was the fastest waitress I've ever met also we got there at like 8 30 she was like just to let you know the kitchen closes at 9 45 and we were like damn that's like an hour and 15 minutes away also we just got here and she was like i just want to let you know so you can order everything you want everything you want baby and then she like said baby to one of us and we were like what is happening and i had never been to that restaurant but based off the way she was

acting when she was like have you been here I was like yes because I was so scared of what the answer to no would have been like I don't know like it freaked me out but she was a vibe nonetheless we loved her but she was very scary to me like I kind of felt I Loki felt like she would kidnap

me if she liked me a little too much is that toxic positivity is that what that is that's what it felt like it was it felt like evil positivity is that what is that what toxic positivity is is that a real term i've never heard that it's like it's like positive yeah positivity is now like can be toxic that's what i've heard like you're being too nice is that like condescending though like is that not just the same idea of condescending honestly it's like if you're you're just like you're unwilling to be rational and you're only like i'm only viewing things as positive i'm not i'm like completely i guess i could see how that negativity of life yeah i was gonna say i guess i can see how that like would be like a privileged like thing to be

like it's not that fucking bad like just be too happy yeah i've never had that problem i've never never been too happy you must be the happy king you must be the happy expert i've actually never been to the happy store i wouldn't know what it looks like and i wouldn't know what they sell but it seems like you shop at the happy shop a lot the happy store um well i was at the gym yesterday and i was changing and I take my time when I change because I don't give a fuck about my body whoever wants to see it can see it but like one of 50 people that if they saw my body I would be mortified saw my body yesterday at the gym and I was butt-ass naked and I didn't see and i'm not naming their name because i don't want

to say their name publicly but it is someone that i like am a very big fan of like like really really big fan have been for a decade they saw me naked we made eye contact he was fully clothed and um it was horrifying so humiliating about making eye talk eye contact with somebody while they're fully clothed and you're naked yeah no it was the most vulnerable i've ever felt i felt like a little baby deer like i can't imagine what she was going through to be a fan of james charles for a decade takes a lot of dedication, too. Fuck you. Fuck you both. No, but it was horrible.

And I, like, had never gotten dressed faster in my life. And I ran out of there. And I sat on the bench outside of the locker rooms waiting for Enya to come out. And he walked out. And we made eye contact again. And I just. Did you guys kiss? We did not.

No, it was like not fun. It was not a vibe. It wasn't a vibe at all. Well, I decided I need to stop smiling at people at the gym when I make eye contact with them. Because I kind of think people might think I'm a pervert. A little bit, yeah. Because I. Do the smile you do. To fully nude women in the locker room.

Usually I'm fully nude too too but i'm just like like because i don't know we're both like naked as fuck and like i feel like everybody has this fear in their fucking eyes which i'm like grow up bitch we've all been here 18 million times like it's nothing new to see some fucking cooch and boobs like it's not that crazy um i mean literally show yours to me right now like literally it's not crazy to see some fucking cooch and boobs like it's not that crazy um i mean literally show yours to me right now like literally it's not crazy like if i saw you naked literally like just show me naked and kai is covering his eyes it's okay no well because you like you find women sexually attractive so it would make me feel very uncomfortable and you peed in front of me today

yeah i literally did right before we started the vibe yeah the whole ass vibe it sounded like you were frying some fucking pork chops in the toilet bro like it sounded like horse meat did you smell my bean sprouts and asparagus piss yes did you have asparagus no i was like where's that smell coming from no that's just my natural body odor you need to get that looked at um but yeah i realized yesterday because i did it right this was the energy of the waitress i'm not kidding but like but like more smiley so back to that but like and then when all of our guests got to the table for jester's birthday she, none of your friends are ugly. What's up with that? And like, it was a really nice compliment.

But we were like, dude, she also it was so confusing. Okay. Also, I don't want this to seem like I'm making fun of this woman. She was very nice. But I find interactions like that so confusing because I kept saying thank you to things you shouldn't say thank you to. Because everything she said said she had the tone as if it was a compliment but it wasn't like she would just be like want anything to drink oh my god you guys i know you love it here you guys always come here and i just kept it with thank

you thank you and i like but you shouldn't say thank you to that it was really confusing me but yeah at the gym leaving yesterday before i left and i was butt naked nasty i walked past this girl who's also butt naked nasty and i did my usual just like we made eye contact and held eye contacts i was like like i also i don't shake my head like that i'm just like like i just do a closed mouth okay i don't shake my head when i look at them but we caught eye contact also i'm not like smirking and like looking them up and down i literally keep my eyes locked onto their eyes because we've locked eyes for some reason i just smile and keep walking this girl gave me a look like she thought i was going to throw her into the showers and like pee on her or something like her look was

pure fear and terror and then i walked out to you i was like oh my god i think i'm realizing i shouldn't be just smiling at people at the gym in the locker room because they genuinely think i'm going to like kidnap them and like throw them into the river give me your hand real quick no no i'm gonna do an aura reading real quick it's giving gray my aura there's no way it's great no you have like a green aura it's like a green aura do you want me to do um so i have this like really crazy thing for you to think about drew uh there's a green light shining on my hand when you do that it's either blue or purple and of course i have the white no you're just talking about your skin color you're

supposed to like figure out the aura around it also you saying i have green when that light is just shining off my fucking hand it's really is green you gotta bring it closer it's a symbol of growth renewal and balance is white is green wait what's white what's white white it just says gay oh oh you are really good at that that's crazy that you picked up on yeah i'm happy i'm fucking happy no not that i'm fucking happy we don't mean it that way i loved that comeback as a kid well gay is happy so yeah i guess i'm gay i mean i'm the gayest person in the room yeah i'm fucking happy yeah i'm super gay I'm like the gayest person ever like I should win the gay award because I'm so fucking happy

and you're sad I'm toxically positive and what does blue mean probably like oh wow oh wow I want to ride a horse save a horse ride a cowboy I could read

blue auras are sensitive deep thinkers who are in tune with their true self and voice oh wow that is true sort of yeah what is white though for real let me see it's probably like creative passionate independent loves himself well-balanced personality calm and open to possibilities oh you are open but does it specify what's open it says verse too i'm a fucking top if anything oh we need to talk about that the twink allegations yeah i have it saved in my fucking heart um so So, I.lovethedrewth420, shout out for the username, posted a video saying, Drew Phillips twink era.

Fuck you. Yeah, what do you mean by that? I mean, I guess it was my twink era, but fuck you to the comments that were saying, what era? He's still in his twink era bitch I am NOT a fucking twink I'm not a fucking twink okay I'm an otter I'm a fucking otter um i was in a twinkie i had a twink arc but fuck you fuck you fuck you um to be fair like every like straight guy on the internet also looked like that at that time because that's also why

i was like i love him he's like my babe that's my crush because every guy looks like that no i have my own swag i will say i have my own swag i think a lot of people i liked in high school ended up being gay though so not you not you i just had a lot of people not you um well speaking of gay did either of y'all play webkinz oh my god webkinz uh yeah did you play webkinz brah not again i did but not as much as i played like toontown uh nice did you play webkinz uh no because i was always under the assumption that you had to connect a credit card to it. And my parents have never had a credit card.

Oh, you must be the credit card expert. Okay, well, there's this guy in Webkinz. And he's a store owner. And his name is Artifact. And you would go in and buy cool little like jewels and trinkets and just little things from his like artifact store why are you saying it like that because his name is artifact oh okay um and what the fuck did i say oh i'm reading two different ones um but he would say like welcome to the curio shop like he has like a

thick accent why is he hot oh he is he's literally hot yeah he's hot as fuck that is exactly what the guys that you show me look like like he is hot as fuck you know what's crazy i can agree when you think someone's hot i can agree they're hot but i would absolutely never be down for it does that make sense like i can understand and be like yes that's a hot person but never my vibe but i guess we've already talked about this my vibe is so peculiar your vibe has no vibe yeah i just have zero vibes it's all it's it's all about personality because I just believe in ugly people getting a chance with someone as sexy as me. Amen. But on Webkinz, on Webkinz one time, me and my sister had a shared account.

And we would ask for like Webkinz for every single birthday, every single holiday, every single Christmas. So that's all we wanted for like three years and like we had like a sorry i think your stitches are infected because i can smell them i just want you're a rotten bag too but anyways i was on webcams it was like mine and madeline's like passion as a child or as children. We like put so much time and effort into like building our houses, playing the games to get our coins up, like taking care of our little animals. And it was just like a fun thing to do. Well, one time Madeline's dumbass was at a nail salon and there was like a girl our age there and madeline just got to start she just

started getting to talking to this girl and like they were hanging out and they were like oh yeah we we love webkins too me and my brother love webkins too like um can i see your account like madeline was like i don't have like a laptop or anything to show you but like i can give you my password and log into our account i mean like hundreds of dollars like like webkins were like 20 each and like we probably had 30 or 40 of giving away my fortnight account exactly exactly we had like 30 or 40 of them so like madeline just giving this password to this little girl not that big of a. Like this little girl did not have malicious intentions or so we thought. She went home, logged into our account

and then sent herself our most valuable item that we owned. She had sent that to her own account and we were like, where the fuck did that go? This dumb ass little girl, she gave us her login and password as well so we could go and look at her account we stole everything from her account and changed the password so she never was able to get back honestly but don't fucking play like do not play with me like don't try us because that little girl grew up to be anna delvey so she never learned her lesson.

Exactly. Anna Delvey is the girl who's a scammer, right? Yeah. She did not scam. She was the girl. I don't think I've ever talked about that. You dated Anna Delvey? Actually, that makes sense.

Y'all's New York timelines add up. Yeah. Because, yeah, we did. And she does have a thing for men with no job, no house, no car, no vibe. So that timeline does. Well, I do have a house. I have a job. And I have Riz.

And I pulled Anna Delvey. That's true. We had an incredible three weeks. We had a magical. The chemistry was unbelievable. On top. She told me that I have that macaroni in a pot. What the fuck? She was fucking your butt?

I want to find the thing that's like, and that little girl grew up to be Ariana Grande. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like those memes? Oh, like that little girl. So it was standing and asking for like a dollar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic, classic.

Well, you find that. So this girl took our account and then you mentioned Fortnite. So there's the transition to Fortnite one day Ariana Grande walked out of a store with a box of cookies outside the store she saw a kid selling newspapers she gave him her box of cookies

and said eat these cookies child one day you will grow up to be someone very important that child grew up to be Barack Obama is that real? yeah dude that's fucking real look at them is that actually real dude swear to god it's from facebook.com legendary facts all right well i'm tired of talking to this fucking loser heart to heart heart to heart um and i had a heart to heart on the couch

yesterday and we were having a very beautiful conversation, or a sad, tragically sad conversation, but it was a beautiful vibe. It was nice. Inya had Fortnite playing in the background, and she joined the lobby, and it was the loading lobby, and Inya was sitting on the couch,

sobbing her eyes out, bawling, just talking about some things going on. And in the background, I hear every fucking fortnight emote possible also i'm pretty sure i emoted too like just add a natural reaction i'm sitting here sobbing and i was like hitting the like it sounded fucking bass boosted it was the most insane thing ever and i was trying so hard not to laugh because like the whole just scene that we were in was just crazy because it was like you crying,

Fortnite blowing my other eardrum out and it was just fucking hilarious. I recorded that conversation. Oh, really? Because I've like, I've been doing this thing because I don't, I'm not good at like writing how I feel.

So I actually, this is a problem and one day it's going to get me in trouble. Because one day someone's going to find out I do this and get really mad at me. I record conversations all the time. Like, I have a 40-minute conversation between Yumi and Orion recorded on my phone. And nobody in the room knew I was recording. Because I just want it to be natural. But I wonder if you can hear...

It's scary. You're freaking out. You can hear the Fortnite. Really? Like, it's like me. I'm like, I don't know. And it's like me I'm like I don't know and it's like like you can hear the fortnight loading screen yeah you really can hear dude this is crazy you can't are you the it's like he's like talking about like trauma and shit it's like aren't you the guy who

it's crazy um but that's just me like i'm just that kind of person also fuck you fucking bitches i'm never sharing my victory royales again nobody could be fucking happy for me everybody's like oh a bot lobby oh play ranked sometimes ranked is fucking easier than zero build you funky fucking bitch fuck you bitch you can't be fucking happy for anybody and that's why your parents let you lock yourself in your room and isolate away they don't want to fucking talk to you because you're fucking evil you fucking bitch i'm sorry that was actually so fucked up i take that back and i don't even want to wait for the next episode to come out i just want to come forward and say that that was so wrong of me guys and i really am so sorry um

but yeah i'm never i'm never sharing my joy again fuck you and i'm gonna kill myself and it's your fault period and that's on what and instead of going to my funeral you'll be going to small claims court because drew will be prosecuting you and he will be defending me and himself from all the gay allegations no that one i'm i'm going on the stand against you oh okay uh drew's psyop corner do yall not play, do you not play the thing? Like, why do you sing it? Because I just like singing it.

It's like a vibe. Yeah. Drew, sigh up, corner. Drew, sigh up, corner.

Okay, you don't, like, go. Okay. If your pussy stinks, you got two buttholes. Having an ugly friend isn't a problem until they start calling you twin

that's how i feel with you i don't want head if your spit stinks i feel like if your spit stinks and you're giving head that's more of a problem for the person giving head but that's just mine yep and you drink 67 ounces of coffee in four minutes and says man i don't feel good i have Bitch, you're tweaking off the bean. Gay son or thought daughter? Better question. Skibbity toilet son or Sephora daughter? Ayo!

Yum! Oh my god. Dude, I really want to play back when Drew said his bunk ass joke. Like, I need to watch that back immediately. Immediately. Shout out Pedro Isaac and Iani Pedro Pascal

he sent in one to my email um I think we're living in Darny Darko Darny Darko no I think we are have you been seeing all the planes crashing have you been seeing all the burning planes in the sky we are literally living donnie darko yes two nights ago i saw a fiery ball in the sky donnie darko and it disappeared donnie darko

i'm not joking what is the plot of donnie darko the plane lands in the house and then a robot yeah i've never seen it are you serious i know like there's a bullying scene or some shit i've seen the movie but it was seen it was so weird and that's why that movie is so scary i've never noticed that water tower i don't see one yeah you haven't noticed it either um fuck what was gonna say oh that was a shooting star you were just so clouded by your own pessimism that you can't enjoy the things god gives to you what the fuck why are you always she's right no you know what makes me so say something nice is when i'm in a room full of people i love and i care about which is like y'all and all my friends.

I'm like, wow, it is so sad that I'm the only one in here who is going to have a joyful afterlife because I'm going to heaven. And the rest of you are going to burn in hell for all the sins that you've committed. And I've tried countless times to save you because I love you all so much that I would love to spend my afterlife with you. But you continue to be sinful and disgusting. And honestly, now I hope you have a ravenous, awfulish death we know the sins you've committed should i bring them up should i bring all the sins up and you's got a few skellingtons in her closet gay sex so when you no so when you cover your mouth and then you're supposed to whisper.

Oh, no, I know. I want the people to know. It doesn't even matter. We don't even have to fucking blur that because that shit would never happen. Never happened to me. Nope. Not to my knowledge. Nope.

That's misinformation. The classic Drew. Classic Drew just saying shit that's not true. I'm going to go to heaven because I'm so sweet. So I'll be with you up there forever. That's's true that's actually not how you get into heaven that sounds like you might be diabetic so you may actually you might be diabetic because when i was drinking your pee out of the toilet it was really sweet it was like a high fructose corn syrup yeah it was really sweet that's why when you pee it sounds so loud because it's just pure fucking gel coming out. It has a really good stream.

A really good pee stream. My urethra is very large. It's gaping. Two boys in a sandbox. Oh wait, we have to do media. I almost forgot. Oh guys, my phone's dead so I'm going to have to go off the top of my head. Oh, somebody made an edit to a Hall and Oates song. I don't remember what account

it was, but boy, do you know how to please a woman like me. You should actually go to gay school because I bet you're a girl who made that. And you might be gay because you're so good at pleasing women. What the fuck are you saying, bro? Oh, I guess you shouldn't go to gay school. You should teach gay school because you're already so good at it mine is behind the bars elliot smith and that's where you're gonna go and how wow right by the bars um mine is bitch wear by chief keith um oh yeah and he's a glow girl yeah and he's a modern day glow girl freaking crazy uh that's a song and then the rest is like the same shit i've been saying because i've just been

listening to the same music and i actually need to get i actually oh uh what is it it's like ask about me or something by john lennon so because i'm going on my like the beatles journey everybody was like oh my god the beatles the beatles i thought you said my like the beatles journey everybody was like oh my god the beatles the beatles i thought you said you hated the beatles people aren't subject to change why are you so fucking evil you conniving fucking witch chrome country 10 tricks point never sugar storm trent resner in motion trent resner bitches be like just a bunch of noise classic from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind john byron joe biden john byron the worst thing i ever did was somebody i broke up with um soon after i got them the soundtrack to eternal sunshine of a spotless mind because it's their

favorite movie and i was like this would be such a cute gift to give them and i gave it to them and i was like and i felt so evil but they were happy that's emotional behavior yeah don't fuck with me that is toxic positivity uh starfall salem that's my media um oh my media is oblivious by aztec camera and we could send letters that one that whole album is awesome yeah guys oh my god life is life is so amazing when you or me and i could see how if you were true it'd be really hard fuck you have you heard the new um jojo siwa track there's no fucking way she has music it's pretty good actually i'm done I'm fucking done. I'm not talking anymore. Fuck you guys. Like, seriously. Kai, what's your media?

Every time you ask him, he says porn. No, I've only said that joke once. And now I'm known for it because it was so funny. All right. My media. All right. My media this week is porn. Oh, my fucking God.

Okay. No, my media is actually Homecoming by the Teenagers. I know that song. Have you guys heard that song? Is it new or old? It's old as fuck. It's from like 2014. I'll listen.

Dude, you know what's crazy is I've always been an absolute piece of shit fuck face. And I'm always like, I only want to hear old music. And now when I see a song is from 2008, I'm like, that's old enough. I can tap into that, which is so fucking scary. Yeah, my cutoff's like 2016. Was that it? Was what it? The song.

Oh, I could do more. Ditto by New Jeans and then Mario's Cafe by Saint Etienne. Oh. Have I shown you my Saint Etienne shirt? No. I have a really good Saint Etienne shirt. I don't think I've ever seen it. I haven't worn it because it's like humongous. It would fit me but she

won't let me wear it. No it's like literally a dress. Humongous. What were you saying the other day Kai? You were like that moment like shifted everything. Oh yeah the humongous moment. You remember that video of like the humongous guy? Are you kidding me Enya?ongous you remember that video of like the humongous guy are you kidding me and yeah you don't remember that what is that it was like this guy that was like i forget what it was it was like a presidential debate joke it was no it was a

presidential debate and he's they asked him his name and he was like humongous oh i do i do yeah i was telling drew that that was the beginning of the culture war. Yeah, that shifted everything. That was the first shot fired. Red versus blue. Look how dirty these are. Civil War 2. I'm actually going to leave the house right now and go get new slippers because look at the bottom of this. Oh, gross.

Red versus blue Civil War 2. Come with me to Texas to stop the people from coming in. What the fuck are you talking about sorry that was the neuro link okay all right thank you guys for watching i hope something bad happens tesla fuck elon musk if i said that and something bad happened to somebody their brain would naturally connect those two events and literally hate me for the rest of their life. Model Y. Model Y. Outro Music