Emergency Intercom - Drew Has A Crush

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

Drew talks about going on tour with Lorde, Enya discusses Azuls flea infection and they both bond over being degenerates in high school.   Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I mean, well, you should have probably told everybody that. You would have boosted her sales, like, so much. I would have boosted her sales, one, and two, like like but i didn't want to make it about me like the show about me so i like i'm it's like about lord it's lord show like if people knew i was drumming for her it would have been like an actual it would have been a dangerous situation it also would have been embarrassing because it's like oh my god like sorry so many people are here for me they're like chanting my name in the middle of the songs because the druthers don't play yeah they don't they do not they they spread they spread themselves yep they spread seed and stds as well um no it was magnificent though um and someone did get a video like of myself i can't believe i've been able to

come balance i can't believe you've been able to balance the podcast and being on tour with her yeah yeah that's like a really honestly congrats like kudos for that they did so much flying it's like i'll be in ireland and then i have to film two podcasts in two days because we're traveling more so like we'll record two podcasts then i'll fly to like um austria or whatever and then i have to fly back the next day it's like the craziest schedule ever. Here, Kai. I bet you didn't know he could do that. I bet you didn't know he could do that. That's not true. He can do a lot of things, especially behind doors and with his clothes off.

I think he's lying again. No. I don't know why everybody calls me a liar. Like, I'm not a liar. I'm, like, about to start crying. It's probably because you do lie quite often. So it's very easy to just... It's because you're always lying to people.

Yeah, so it's just kind of like common knowledge. If someone's, like, always lying, they kind of get called a liar. It's like if you're always having sex, you get called, like, awesome. That's why I get called awesome. You don't. Like, that's the thing. That's me. That's all me.

You get called awesome because you are awesome. I get called awesome because I'm also awesome and I have sex all the time. I get called a danger to society. Fuck, I was going to say something and I fully forgot. That's me. Every single episode, I say that, like, four times. I was going to start with something and then you started talking and now I fully forgot what I was going to say.

Also, me and Drew found the best lollipops ever. We are not being told to say this, but the Yum Earth Organic Pops are so fucking good. You know how other lollipops scrape your tongue and cut it? This one you can really rub up against your tongue and it doesn't happen. It's got like a sandpaper effect. Like other lollipops are like sharp and like they turn into blades when you lick them this has like a sandpaper effect it's almost like you're making out with a cat um you say that like that's a good thing um also i've realized that... Shane Dawson.

I think it's more embarrassing to overreact when you almost get hit by a car than to like play it cool. Does that make sense? Like when, you know, when you almost hit someone and they like throw their hands up, like no one's doing that out of fit of anger as much as it is because they're scared and they're like, oh, fuck you. But like they want to like act bravo, like in macho, like they weren't just terrified for their life that you were gonna take their life no that's the most humiliating thing ever like if i hit if i almost hit you with my car and you throw your hands up it makes me actually

want to press on the gas more until i squash you like a little that is more that is so angering like girl like i didn't i did not want to hit you you're. I did not want to hit you, girl. You're fine. I did not want to hit you. You did not get hit. Let's just all move past this and, like, forget about it. It's a simple mistake. Literally. It's such a simple mistake. I almost literally took your life with my vehicle. It reminded me of that, like, when I walked to the gas station to get Pepsi.

Those people that, or that guy that I was was walking with that he almost got hit by the car and like i didn't react at all and he like threw like a fit and like hit the window and was like what the fuck like are you kidding me and then like he like looked at me to like like have his back and i just like literally walked around the front of the car and kept walking and i was like it is not that deep. Also, that's just so embarrassing. Like, ew, not you being scared to die. That's so embarrassing. Like, no, I'm just so cool.

Like, if it's my time to go, like, rain or shine, baby, I'll go. That's such a lie because I actually don't want to die, like, by the hands of – everybody knows that's by the hands of someone else because that's embarrassing. But it's way more embarrassing to, show that you cared yeah like what is it like them teaching the person a lesson like are they trying to teach me a lesson like i don't get it no it's literally not teaching me fucking anything it's making me more angry it's making me want to murder you also everybody azul had fleas and licked herself to the bone i'll insert a picture it's actually so nasty she by the time this episode is out, she's fully fine

because I literally got her ointment yesterday and she was like, her shit is already like back to being white and not fucking scary red. But because of that, she had like a plastic cone on her head, which will also insert a picture

of her plastic cone. Oh, I thought that's what, you're going to put the scab? Up? Yeah. Yeah. That's plastic cone. Oh, I thought that's what you're going to put the scab up. Yeah. Yeah. That's traumatizing. Yeah, it's disgusting.

It's so nasty. Also, before anybody calls me a bad owner, it's hidden under a tuft of her hair. And me and Drew both looked at it like three days ago. And I thought she was just wet from licking herself. And I was like, ew. And then literally two days later, I looked and all the hair was gone. She l and all the hair was gone she literally ate all the hair off of her body so it's really fucking nasty um but she had an allergic reaction to fleece anyway she had a plastic cone on and she was accidentally scooping litter out of the litter box and dragging it all over my room this morning because um why do vets

give cats such big fucking cones like they're literally just scooping piss and shit around they can't lick their ass they get poopy butt it's literally not that deep and like this cone is so big on azul or was because then you replaced it it was so big on azul that like he literally couldn't jump and like he couldn't keep his head up he was like dragging his head you knew he was coming into the room because you just heard like. It's really sad. For some reason, when Azul is like living like a little sad life, it actually like deteriorates my happiness. Me and Josh were talking about that this morning.

Exponentially. Like, it's just so sad. It's like, ew. Like, I want to put her out of her misery. We should just shoot her. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. No, we shouldn't do that that we should have just killed my

cat when she's a little sad you know what's crazy about the uniclub socks i think they change their sizing a little bit because they're really baggy on me right now which is insane because normally they're like really taut i don't like high socks because they squeeze the fuck out of my goddamn ankles and i feel like i'm losing blood flow to my feet and then my feet are 10 times more cold than they always are if i wear low socks like like medium high socks it looks like i have cankles so i literally can't do it i just yeah i used to wear no show socks if you wear no show socks you're a fucking menace to society you are so fucking scary hi these are oh i got so scared that he was these are show socks show socks show stoppers this is for when it's showtime showtime baby yeah i still can't believe

the sand coming out literally and i was like fuck it didn't get on camera no that episode was my most embarrassing episode one because my shoe was like turning into dust. And then the other reason is that people were tagging one timestamp in the video where I like let out this weird moan. Do it. No, don't do it again. Do not. It was like, oh.

Damn. But the reason why is because you were talking about throwing up and I was like, it was supposed to be like. And you were getting horny. I was getting horny. No, I was supposed to be like, oh. like it was supposed to be like you were getting horny i was getting horny no i was supposed to be like oh like it was supposed to be like oh like that but it came out sounding very weird because the mic is so close to my mouth so like yeah yeah it was like i got a massage in the lay didn't realize she graced my coochie like eight times and i was too embarrassed to say like anything so i just laid there and i tensed up

my body until she got the idea where she was like oh my hand is going too far up because i got a big i got a big beefy stew down there it's it's big y'all sometimes when i lay under a cover i'm like that makes no sense like when i'm naked under a cover and there's just a blanket on my body, I look down and I'm like, that's insane. She's packing heat. She's hung like a horse. Literally, if I want. I was going to say if I wanted to.

The watermelon was really gross, by the way. Nuh-uh. It tastes like cybernetics. What the fuck? You just made that up. That's not a word. Cybernetics? What is that?

It tastes like the blue flum yeah it tastes like kim yeah like straight kim flum float i think i'm gonna pick up smoking cigarettes and not wearing sunscreen anymore oh and also not washing my face i'm not puffing anymore by the way shut up i swear he actually isn't i i was gonna kai i was gonna buy one yesterday yeah and then josiah handed you his and you were like oh i actually did get on to him and i was like josiah like you actually have to bring those around because i was like off of it for like five days and then he came around with his puff bar and i was like god damn it like of course i have to fucking hit this thing so i hit it um but since he's left i haven't hit a puff bar i did want to go buy he left two days ago um

damn like can i not have one fucking thing it's always this or that or something else like i can't you know what it is i've heard that like i'm done with flum float like probably since i met you when jewel was around i've heard like the like everybody in the group like who uses like Flum Floats and Puff Bars and Jewels goes through Facebook. They're like, no, I'm actually like so done. And then the second one's around. Everybody like hawks over the person. It's literally like a dead corpse. And everybody in our crew becomes vultures.

And they're like, give it. Please, please give it to me. Dude, I watched Drew and Josiah fight at dinner for like 30 minutes I was just leaning into it because I was like this is funny I wasn't actually like give it to me but I was also like bitch you better give it to me

like there's you better hand that shit to me so I was a little bit offended but not because I needed it but like I need it I need it i saw a tiktok that was like um oh wait me before we move on oh no it's about a flum float it was like me buying a flum float um or like a puff bar three days after dramatically throwing it in water and like swearing I'm quitting. No, literally.

Like people don't understand how hard it is to quit those little motherfuckers because they're so readily available. They taste so good. Like at this point, like they do nothing for me other than give me like heart palpitations and like headaches. Like they do nothing and like it's strictly uh mental withdrawal like it's like i crave this thing more than anything i've craved in my entire life but like i'm strong i'm strong and i do i do quit for like months at a time and then i just fall back into it um but i can't i cannot do it it like i watched, I watched the TikTok and I was like, oh, is that what I look like? Yeah, I'm talking to all you

who smoke those puff bars. We look fucking weird. Remember when people would smoke box mods? They're literally tiny baby bottles. Yeah, remember when people would smoke box mods and you'd be like,

girl, get a Juul. Like, what are you doing? We are those people now. I'm like, get some oxygen. Like, what are you doing? They're fucking big as fuck and they're literally they're literally shaped like little baby bottles so everybody holds them with a full baby grip and it's like baby bottle pop i'm allergic to baby bottle pop fun fact

it spikes my eczema up um and then when i eat it all around my mouth flares up whoa i don't know what in it i'm allergic to but when i had it last time as a kid i had it and literally my eczema on my mouth like i looked like i got like my mouth on a cheese grater and like fucking scraped my mouth on a cheese grater and then my arms were like really puffy from my eczema yes they ring up yeah it was really nasty i think i've said this before but i literally used to wear jackets every single day in the summer heat or like miami heat um because i didn't want anybody to see the eczema on my arms did it go away yeah it fully went away i've never noticed um because i used to have it really bad here now i have like little divot scars because one time in honduras i got so fucking sick um and for some

reason that spiked up my eczema which makes sense because i'm sure it was just my immune system being down and it like spiked me up. And I scratched myself so hard that I like left like divots in my skin. Now I get eczema like around my mouth and nose, but I put so much fucking- I can get it right here. Moisturizer on me that it goes away.

Like one little patch right here. Oh yeah, I also get it on the side of my arms. I wonder if it's from like rubbing on my like skin, but I get it like when it's really dry. Is it just dry skin or is it like bacteria? I actually don't know. I think it's like, it's way less severe than psoriasis,

but it's kind of in that family of like, just like gnarly, dry skin. But that was my biggest insecurity as a kid. Cause I didn't want people to be like, ew, why are you scratching yourself? You look scary.

So I wore a jacket and i went under the radar forever and nobody ever knew that under my jacket i was dying what the hell was that i'm passing away you sounded like 80 years old did i tell you guys that i'm probably gonna die it's this amulet on her chest that keeps her young it sounds like my cross you went to the old beach i've never seen fucking old i need to see a really shitty movie i've seen too many good movies oh also the voice actor of um roger rabbit literally wanted to have sex with me that was awesome we went to monster palooza i'll never get the kid getting his makeup that shit was actually fucking crazy we have to insert that video dude you did me and you literally most shifty kid we went up to him to just stare at him and laugh

like eight times and then at the end we were like oh that's a like person that's a child a person and we're bullying this child person like we weren't doing that purpose but like literally just like oh my god humans are so fucking funny we are literally so bored like cars shouldn't be as extravagant as they are that's just to get you from one point to another. We shouldn't have cars, period. I want a car, but we shouldn't have cars. Then how would... No, make the cities walkable. We should have started with that. Yeah.

Make walkable cities. I mean, I guess. Too bad we went the wrong direction. But then how would you have sex in a train? You could have sex in your car. What? You can have sex in your car. Girl, what the fuck are you saying?

I'm saying we need cars because it's like just one other place to have sex in your car girl what the fuck are you saying i'm saying we need cars because it's like just one other place to have sex that makes sense actually that's why they did it that's why they made cars i feel like that is kind of why they made cars yeah cars used to be open top and then they were like we got to put a roof on this so we can bone in here no so that the rain doesn't hit you while you're having sex i think the first person to have sex in a car was like, I'm probably the first person to do this? Yes. Because like so few people had cars at the time. People are so fucking horny.

I bet hella people fucked in a car at the same time for the first time. Damn. Because bitches are just horny. Literally. But who knows? I don't know. Sorry, Drew's literally chomping on his on his lollipop that's interesting to me drew is i'm a sucker he's a chomper yeah i'll be sucking

that's what it all sounds like when he eats his little kibble dude with his bowl he like couldn't get to his fucking cat food and i just heard him scraping up against the floor word hi kble is such a cute word. Hi, kibble. You're my kibble, because I eat you up, and then I throw you up because I ate you too fast. This episode is brought to you by Samsung Galaxy. Ever captured a great night video

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Stream on Stack TV. I've been drinking a bunch of Miralax. I'm really constipated again. Did it work? What's new? Did it blow your back out? Nope. So I'm like, I need to drink the magnesium citrate,

which if I'm going to do it, I have to do it tonight because i fly on wednesday ew dude oh my god no dude i literally like now that like bottle of laxative actually gives me like ptsd because i just look at it and i think about how it actually gave me covid like for me laxatives are what gave me COVID. And I will never have one again. I'd rather be constipated and walking around with a big belly full of shit than be spraying shit out of my ass. That is a luxury and a privilege to be able to say. Have you seen the new Fortnite video? It's awesome. What is the Fortnite video?

I've given so much money to Fortnite. I've given, at this point, this is embarrassing, easily over $100 to Fortnite. That's insane. I'm like, that's insane. I didn't do that same thing for... What is it? Castle Clan Battles?

Oh, Clash of Clans. You were hella playing that like that in in uh high school yeah like i spent probably like 500 bucks on that on that game probably spent like 500 bucks and then on balloons tower defense i spent hella bread but like i've been kind of good about not spending money on fortnite they actually make it too fucking easy because i literally just have to well you just have a spending problem no no no no it's not my fault it's literally it's so easy also they have to stop making good skins at this point like my idea of a good skin on fortnite is literally anything that's just a girl it's literally you just like all the basic girl skins yeah because i'm like that's me

it's giving me i like that what do we keep saying me when i oh dude no i brought that up the other day like me and india do this thing where it's like actually like the least like thought out planned joke ever and i just realized we do it literally 300 times a day but like literally i'm just gonna use this as an example but like this is i made this joke earlier today like so i'm not just like making this up on the spot this is something that i said this is a book without a cover and i literally picked it up and i said me when i a book without a cover and that's that's the joke like like there's nothing to it me when i'm a lukewarm glass of uh tap water and a mason jar from air one me when i'm a suckedkewarm glass of tap water in a mason jar from Erewhon. Me when I'm a sucked sucker.

Me when I got so mad at my parents on the phone today, I punched a hole in my wall. You're done talking for this episode. Cut. You're done. Okay. Silence. You're on like at least a 10, 15 minute timeout. Got it.

And if you don't, if you don't abide by that i'm gonna rip your leg hairs out one by one that was so funny did i literally i've never fucking argued with my parents i've never oh that's a lie i'd be arguing me like me when i actually just lied for fun like literally you lying i was talking to my mom um yesterday and I was just like talking about like shit that I did when I grew up. And I was like, y'all like had to have hated me. I was like terrible. Like I sucked ass as a kid and like or as like a teenager. I was like, was it harder for you to raise me as like a one, two, three, four year old or as like a 16, 17 year old?

And they immediately without like skipping or hesitating, they're like, when 16 and 17 you were like awful like you were terrible and i was like i didn't think i was that bad but like just looking back i was just like literally suicidal i wanted to die and i wanted to spend all of the money that i made on coral and fish and that's what i did and also i did a bunch of drugs like a lot that being the last thing you mentioned be like no i was the worst person ever because like i had like mental issues and like i loved fish oh also i like abused substances like crazy it was and i also was like damn like they really couldn't punish me because like while i was doing all these drugs i don't think they were like aware of it but like i was maintaining my grades in school and i was like had a part-time job that i would do after school so like i was

doing all the shit i was supposed to do i was just having fun with some drugs um which like ultimately ruined my brain chemistry forever um and don't do that but yeah they like really couldn't like punish me my grades were fucking awful i was so bad with school like i genuinely i couldn't tell you what i did when i went to school but i know it wasn't school work like i wasn't i was not in class i would skip i would sit at my favorite teacher's class and i would just sit all fucking day and i i think about it and i'm like what was i really doing because like i think i was watching a lot of movies in school at that point. I would go to school with my fucking iPhone already having a movie that I'm going to watch loaded up. And I would just sit in classes watching different movies.

Because I literally remembered two movies I distinctly remember watching in high school in class. One of them, what's the movie with Johnny Depp in the middle of the desert with all the drugs ringo no um fuck it's like the cover of him with the big eyes oh uh fuck he does lsd yeah um like chasing bad times or like chasing your mom wanting to have sex with drew's mom las vegas they drive the car loathing in las vegas yes literally me when i'm a cock two twins album fear and loathing that's not the album um but yeah i remember watching that in high school and watching it between classes and texting the man who's grooming me because that was his favorite movie and i was like i love this movie meanwhile i was like this movie i have no idea i want to be watching the

one direction i was wondering why you're watching that movie um i was like i feel like an older man is responsible for yeah i was also like i was way more cutty with like what i decided to watch as a teenager versus an adult like as a teenagerty with like what i decided to watch as a teenager versus an adult like as a teenager i actually had the capacity somehow to watch multiple movies like every like cooler movie i've seen it's because i saw it when i was in like high school yeah but that was because i was like an obnoxious fuck who was like on tumblr and like reblogging like so i was like i need to watch this so that when I'm reblogging it. Yeah, GIF. GIF?

That's just a GIF. That's like Jiffy Butter. You're a psycho. What do you say? GIF. Yeah, it's GIF. GIF? It's GIF. I say GIF.

The creator of GIFs said that it's pronounced JIF, but I think he's wrong. All right, so me and the creator got one thing in common, some common sense. And y'all are gay. Oh, shit why it's pride month like why do you have to talk to me like that i'm straight i don't give a fuck you can talk like that because you're straight you should think about the way you use your words as a straight man as a very straight man who has no homoerotic tendencies you should be careful are you okay?

Are you fixing the knots in your hair? I'm taking out the matted dread that's formed. The block of hair that you're moving. You want me to give you a haircut before you leave? No, I was actually thinking about getting a haircut in Texas. Just letting them fuck me up. But I was like, I should just go to a nice haircut person and have them like have them like do something good i mean if you want to hold out till august that's i'm just holding out till august to get my haircut honestly because i know a spot in brooklyn that i want to

go to i literally don't know if i could that's how i felt but i was like i'm gonna do it um but fuck what i was saying oh yeah i distinctly remember watching that and like falling asleep watching it in school. And then also Paprika. It took me like three times to finish Paprika. And it's also because I would watch it in school and then fall asleep in class. So that's what I did with my education. And I'm not kidding.

I graduated with such a low GPA. I'm not joking. Like what's the what's the bare minimum? Like two, like 2.5 i think yeah i don't know i think i graduated with like 0.1 like point above what you're supposed to get and you had a one gpa no i literally my gpa was like nasty like it was fucked up but to be fair like everybody knew that i was like not committed to being in school and wanting to be in school at that point i was like far beyond like i was like did you just like give up were they just like no like yeah i

don't give a fuck you can roam the halls like because if i were to try to do that in my school like i would literally be like reprimanded so bad like it would it would not have been like you know what it was is because the way i would skip was my teacher would call me out of class so because another teacher was calling me out all the time i wasn't technically skipping because it was like oh like i was a part of the journaling club under this teacher so he would like call me out and be like oh and yeah and i was like the head of like journalism so he would call me and be like oh and he has to come work on this thing so i would just leave but i would go and be on iphone and computer all day and just chill and then um sometimes he would leave

and get us lunch and we would like sit and eat and like literally just like chill and then i would just like mess around with the kids in his class and like troll them and like talk to them you know the video of the like um what's her name fuck i can't think of her name eminie jenkins singing i have a video also deep on my finsta of like showing the class you need to send kai that video oh yeah of sophia um of her singing i played it for the class and it was dead silent like all of them couldn't tell if i was playing it seriously dude that's so funny i remember in sixth grade um we uh did this uh i had this like engineering class it might have been seventh grade um but do you remember that youtube video of the girl who was like the emo girl that like um was like fuck like she would cuss or whatever no no um she was like boxy that's what i'm thinking yeah it wasn't boxy but it was like a girl who was like trying to be boxy she was like

younger i don't know it's hard to explain her name she was like the emo girl that like would get really fucking mad at the camera um that's whatever i'll find it um but yeah so that's how i just like didn't go to class not that you should do that i was just annoyed i did have teachers who would fight me on it i've like talked about that before it's like i had a teacher who literally was like so mean to me and Of course. And I, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Let me do it again. And I, yeah.

I'm a lot of ways of you. Oh, fuck. here I'm gonna always love you oh fuck well I played that in my engineering class over the speakers cause you have surround sound speakers in there and I forgot that she gets really violent and cusses at the end and

he was super pissed at me but it just reminded me of your story And he, like, was super pissed at me. But that just reminded me of your story. But, yeah, that's really all I would do. And I don't know. My school was, like, you know what I think it was?

I think it was because I was, like, obnoxiously charming with my teachers. I didn't get in trouble that often. Like, my school was a uniform school, and I never wore a uniform. And the principal was one of those principals who, who like tried to be friends with all the kids so he would always come up to me be like anya like where's your uniform and i would just like say some like snarky reply to him and just be kind of like funny with it like oh like i don't believe in that like you're like i would like say annoying things to be like i don't believe in uniform like you're constricting my like creative like juices by doing that to me like i don't do that and like

just be annoying and then i wouldn't get in trouble and he would like let me go but that's also because he was like a fucking loser and tried to be friends with a bunch of kids sorry sorry um and hopefully all the bad stuff that happened to me that i don't remember will never resurface wait what it's just a thought norm mcdonald has a really funny bit in his new special where he's like when people have like really gnarly like when people are like oh my god i just remembered this thing happened to me it's never like a fun thing it's always like something awful that like comes back to you and it's like that you remember as it being funny but then you tell people and they're like that's not funny that's like really sad and scary you know borderline abusive i've had that happen to

me before and i cried at a pokey place because i was like laughing about it with something with my friend and i was like telling her and she was like and yeah that's like not funny that's like really fucked up and then i started crying because i got embarrassed because i was like oh my god not you turning my joke of a life into something silly. It's silly. It's just a silly thing that happened. Let's just laugh together about it. We can just laugh. Now what?

Were you guys popular in high school or what? I was so fucking popular. I was prom queen. I was serving. I was boots. Were you actually prom queen? Prom boot? No. Why did I know that? I went to prom was prom queen i was serving i was boots were you actually i was the prom boot no i like barely know that no i i like went to prom um and it was like the thing is okay i i don't know if we've said this on the podcast we've like lightly touched on it but it fully is happening like

everybody on my timeline on tiktok who was like someone in high school who i was like i just had a bunch of prom things on my timeline and that made me so happy because we have finally exited the anti-prom culture like it was all like there was this one tiktok in particular hopefully i could find it but it genuinely made me so happy because i was like dude these are just like such a cute little crew like of just like eccentric like more eccentric leaning like young kids who like instead of doing the thing when everybody was like fuck prom like i'm not fucking going like they all like dressed up and went and then i saw another girl who she was literally talking about

she was like i wanted to go to prom with my boyfriend he was like oh we're not prom people and i was like i literally don't fucking care like i want to go to prom like i don't care like what does that mean what is like being a prom person we're not prom people um and i think it's because like there was that whole era of like even ours being like fuck prom and i that always used to piss me off because i was like okay like prom is fun it's like not the most fun ever because when i think about it i'm like i literally sat at a table, danced for 20 minutes, and then left. Like, I don't... I got really drunk, gave out a bunch of my prescribed Klonopin

to everybody on my party bus, and almost got kicked out several times of my prom junior year. And I gave out all of my Adderall. I just gave it to everybody like candy. I was like, you can have it. Take the Adderall and the klonopin it's called a speedball it's like a suburban speedball it'll fuck you up i almost killed a bunch of kids

it's definitely not cool at all well i didn't go to junior prom i went to senior prom and um i got a hairbrush flask um so i actually remember that because i we were on tour together when you were doing prom and you brought that to tour yeah and i just like started using it because i was like i gotta make good use out of it and it did work as a hairbrush okay we have talked about this because people we there was always the rumors that like you were gonna get checked yeah um and honestly i'm gonna tap back into that so i i'm just gonna enter like a minor alcoholism phase like is that cool like i'm just gonna wake up and minor alcoholism phase like is that cool like i'm just gonna wake up and with my cup of joe like have a little tequila or vodka you had four shots

and like blacked out and almost died like i had to like shake you awake a few times because you were choking on your vomit i know my tolerance is so fucking low it It's like comical. Like now it's with alcohol the way it is with weed. Like off my like little can, I'm like, fuck. I'm high as fuck. I'm moving slow. I'm so lit right now. I need to play Fortnite. Like actually, okay.

I'm shaking in the drawing. When this episode is out, I'll have just come back from like a Europe trip. And you know what's fucked up? A genuine concern of mine is the fact that I won't be able to play Fortnite for like 10 days. Dude, I'm over it. I'm over Fortnite and Call of Duty. Really? I'm done playing video games right now.

I don't know what it is, but I've like the last few times I've played, I've said it like two episodes ago. It's just not fucking fun anymore. I don't know what happened. It's just not fun. It's just not hitting the way it used to be. I think I'm literally just depressed. Like that's what it is and i'm like battling depression who knows who knows maybe that is it but i would think that no that probably is it because i was gonna say i really see i literally hate these shoes so fucking much i hope they burn in hell like i bought a shoe that's too big for me and then i got clocked

because they were like those are two sizes too small for you and i was like no they're supposed to feel like this they're too big and they don't even fucking fit my foot and then i when i walk they like kick off my foot and i'm like this is the biggest waste of money i've ever spent money on in my entire life and i literally hate prada but like put me on a runway i'm gonna say i don't hate prada prada like i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you fix your shoe sizes maybe fix your feet maybe you're the freak you have long skinny feet and they're scary no i literally have like um my feet are like two different sizes it was really funny you could see like one of his feet were sticking out of the clog and then the other one was like snug in it yeah i have like two different size feet i'll post pictures of them on you shouldn't post pictures of your feet true

yeah no like i'll give i'll give the girls what they want i don't know if it's the girls watching who want pictures of your feet i'll give the guys what they want i thought you were straight i am straight but i don't discriminate that sounds like something someone who's like a little gay might say. No. I was going to say something really bad, but I was like, it's just not worth it. It's not worth it to bleep it. We're entering good territory. Oh, move your head so everybody can see the temperature that's awesome the 99 i was wondering why i'm so fucking sweaty i feel good i even have the

thermostat on and it's just still at 99 no we we have to get something figured out because these summer episodes are gonna be really nasty yeah really fucking we just need to get a studio the first like three episodes i was probably the sweatiest i've ever been like genuinely like i would sit up actually the first like 10 episodes um we just need a studio that's it can you build one you're a man we built this city on rock and roll no we built this city on boots and house and me and jester built the city we'll get into that one day do you know about that should i retell it no i have to i have to wait for jester i've retold the story many times like 300 times i can't hear it it genuinely makes me so happy like it's so funny

to me and then i try to add in on the joke and i just get shut down yeah no because i mean me and jester built the city like it's like no one else built the city. And I'm going to kill everybody in the city. You can't because we have a force field. Yeah, Drew, you can't add to the joke. I'm going to sneak a bomb in there and kill everybody. Well, we have really good protection. And also, you just won't because we have a force field. Every human in our city has a force field built around them.

So you're just the outsider. If you put on the bomb, you'll die. Like the Dune force field? I've never seen Dune. That is a movie I will never watch. I'm sorry. Unless I'm like sedated. That's good.

And being like tied down. You're so weird and different and like cooler than everybody else. Because like you don't watch stuff that's popular. No, I just don't watch shit that's long and boring. It's neither long nor boring. I don't like action and sci-fi like that. It's more like space politics. It's more like future.

There's not a lot of action. Action sequence or whatever. Because I'm shocked that space politics, that's the last word that would intrigue me to watch a movie. Oh, it's like space politics. Well, no, give it a chance. It's like, I don't know. I think you would like it.

Maybe when I'm highest bingus on my flight, I'll watch it if it's on there. It's giving bingus. It's giving dugurt. It's giving meches. Meches is good. Meches is good cat. Little meches. Little bingies.

Why don't you just stay in LA while I'm gone and put the ointment on Azul? No. Nobody wants to stay in cream Azul up while I'm gone. No one wants to lather the cream on Azul. Because one, if I was staying, I wouldn't have been asked to do it. I would have just been assumed to do it. And I wouldn't have been paid to do it. I would have just been assumed to do it and I wouldn't have been paid. No, that's different.

I'm only paying because it is so annoying to squeeze her down on the couch and rub her. Touch his bloody scabs. Kai, do you want to just do it for free? You want to touch her bloody scab? I would do it. I was going to say I would do it, but I'm so busy

creaming Drew up all the time Drew's not gonna be here he's lathering he's coming with me to lather my cream you're doing my bubble baths

yeah he hired me wait Kai are you getting flown up to cream Drew up yeah I'm getting flown out to cream Drew up like that's the only reason why he's still around okay I'm just

I'm sorry I'm sorry to like bring up your sexuality so much but this is oh my god I'm just saying is it straight stuff like is that like straight yes okay yeah i mean it is i'm just making sure like damn true no it's not me getting flown out to cream you up is definitely not straight stuff oh i got invited to one of of those scary yacht parties that people talk about. Wait, what do you mean?

Drew. Sorry, guys. Drew just showed me that Grindr is open on his phone. Wait, I'm really confused. You're sending mixed signals. I have it on there to just keep tabs of the community around me. What for you? I know it's a commit hate crimes or anything. This trash has been bothering me the entire episode.

Okay. Yeah. No, no. No, don't do that. Well, the camera's off. The camera's still on and I'm recording the audio. Please don't do that. Oh, fuck.

Have you seen the new iOS? No. This is exciting no this is exciting this is we took we took a uh five minute intermission because i'm literally losing my fucking mind i don't feel real i'm not real i'm like i'm not angry but like i'm very close to like having an outburst of anger but like one thing will set me off um okay but is that your warning call in yeah literally in my um moments away in our in our break i stumbled upon something that reminded me of the new ios update that's coming out soon and it's pretty cool like the the texting i message shit is really cool i think i sent it to you but it's like um and i message you're gonna be able to

like if you read a text message unread it and mark it as unread which is like really advanced that's evil um because i do that shit all the fucking time like i read a message and i just never respond to it oh you're buried no oh oh i know what you're saying yeah like the instagram feature i don't know if it actually marks it as unread which if it does that's psycho and scary and like oh yeah that's what i thought you were saying but that's so good because i need that yeah because i just forget about my text and then also in the new ios um you're gonna be able to delete messages that you send. So if you send a message, you can delete it from both people's phones immediately. So like you can like sneak to someone and delete it really quick.

And like, yeah. Oh, that's good. I don't know. Like there's a lot of utility like for jokes there. Like I've already thought of so many things that I can do with that. But like relationship wise, that could be very good for people. Yeah, because I'd be saying out of pocket shit just out of a fit of anger. And I'm like, oh, my God. I shouldn't have said that.

No, the way I need new iPhone. I need new iPhone right now. I literally do. I know. I actually unironically need a new iPhone. But like I'm done iPhone I need new iPhone right now I know I literally do I know I actually unironically need a new iPhone but like I'm done I'm done like I'm done buying new things like I can't I hate being a consumer what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna consume our things that were already consumed so like basically thrifting but I I think I have to get the new iPhone like that's

the one thing I have to do I have to get the new iPhone I have to get the new iPhone. Like that's the one thing I have to do. I have to get the new iPhone. I have to get the new Mac Mini. I need a new monitor for my computer. Yeah, I need a new computer. I need to add fans to my computer. But other than that, I'm not consuming anything else. Like I promise. Other than this insane tech upgrade I'm planning on making.

Exactly. Also, I realized I fully missed out on telling y'all my awesome experience of anger yesterday. I had to take Azul when I had to take her to the vet. Her vet was on Santa Monica and they were doing the pride parade, which I did not know. And when I called, I was like, oh, can I get there? And they were like, oh, you can get there. You're just going to have to figure out like where to park.

Like, I don't know where you would park. And I actually pulled a Drew and I was standing across the street at the loudest like parade i've ever been to and like literally just like music was blasting and i felt was it playing dualipa no but i did hear lady gaga of course like gaga and do it do it i didn't hear any do it um it was a lot of like i was like where did y'all get instruments for today like did y'all just have instruments there was a lot of banging on the gays we have instruments or they have instruments whoa wait what was that you said we you said we nope okay yeah i mean i'll leave it if you said no i'll believe you what do you mean believe this is recorded and i can play it back not you calling him a liar

he's just constantly calling me a liar yeah something's wrong with you i'm saying it was we have proof so yeah you we who's we shut up anyway um um i had a watch somehow he's gonna edit it to make it say i said me we yeah somehow he's gonna make it say, I said me, we. Somehow he's going to make it say that. Did you say me or we? No, Kai is going to make it say, we. I always have an inch. Wait, what am I going to make it say? But I said they.

You're just giving him more fuel. He probably already did it. It sounds like you called yourself like a part of the LGBT. Have you heard of LGBTQ? Well, I haven't i'm not a part of the lgbtq community um but we but anyway i felt like oh wait did you hear that that was actually good shut up that was actually good no when i said but but we but we hey i had a zoo in the car across the street from the fucking parade and i was like dude this is

actually gonna set a zoo back i think i was going making me so mad because i was like this is gonna set azul back like three years in like brain development like she's like a freak now she's back to being a like anti-social like freak but um i felt like a goddamn fucking loser and i was so pissed um that i had to walk across the parade with azul andool and this fucking care carrier and i actually felt like such a fucking idiot douchebag i was like everybody's here celebrating having fun and i'm the fucking idiot who's like sorry with all your crosses on crossing the pride parade in your cross just like stomping across with a huge cat carrier when i left i was in a way better mood because actually it was just my luck it was like no wait time to get her looked at like it was in and out

and then when I was leaving since I had died down a bunch of people were like oh my god is that a cat and it was really cute because everybody was like oh my god look at that cute cat so I was like yes yes yes I know my kitty's cute like you should see the other one meow meow meow but yeah it was like I was pulling a you where I was like

actually this is the worst fucking day of my life like no I don't think you fucking understand it feels so good to just freak out for like two minutes and just have like a full-blown conniption fit and let it all out and then you can just chill but like in that moment that was the worst day of your life you felt that truly no i'm not gonna actually did i was like i would rather go through every single traumatic experience that's happened to me ever again than take azul out of this dude she was shaking so bad it was actually really sad little meat boy he's so good in the car once we pulled up to cross the street i was like also when i got out there was a fucking jeep with big speakers on it so it just got exponentially louder and i was like oh my god azul also for some reason i thought azul was

gonna like use superhuman strength and break out of the carrier and rip open the zipper use opposable and jumps on top of one of the parade and it's like hey guys it's like ratatouille but for the lgbtq pride parade and it's a pride parade i've never been to pride me either that was my first time i'm i'm just not like that was your first time yeah my first time joining um i'm just not a parade person like i don't want to walk around in a loud space yeah it's like a it's like a festival which is like hot i have a crush let's hear about it no that's all you get i'm not taking any questions could i ask questions after yeah of course but they don't get to know just know i have a little bit of a

crush guys i got secret info i'll tell all y'all later that it's between us no for real you can come i trust you you can trust me i'll just write. I'll write about it on Patreon. Get the fuck off of me. You go on the Patreon and there's like a big like. You know that one. Yeah, where she throws it and her friend unlocks it and hears it. That's a song. Sing it.

There's no words to it. It's literally just a beat and breathing. Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's like a bit of a Soulja Boy. I used it as my song of the week not too long ago. I'll find it again. Keep talking. Me? Keep going. long ago i'll find it again keep talking me keep going um i bought new bras grimes stan grimes suck my balls everybody grimes is a fucking legend and she rules roses is popping on tiktok the song by grimes oh word that's crazy actually that's literally not crazy at all she's literally

like the most famous musician in the world i love grimes i don't care i don't care i'm proud to say i love grimes i love lana del rey yep i love miley cyrus like yeah on your straight shit for real yeah exactly exactly the straight curriculum i said the straight curriculum Beyonce curriculum I said the straight curriculum because they're hot as fuck yeah they're like hot women literally that's what I used to say they're hot like how could you not stand Miley Cyrus

she's like hot and she's always got her boobs out almost I invested in new bras and underwear, guys. I don't think anybody understands what a big deal of that, for me, that is. She's been wearing the same bra and panties for 14 years. And I don't give a fuck.

And I really don't. I really don't. That's sustainable. I found a pair of boxers. I was like cleaning out my boxers in socks drawer and I found a pair of boxers in there, a gap pair of boxers that i got literally when i was seven and i still wear them to this day i'm not joking i still wear them and

i just ran i threw out every other pair but i kept that one i was like this is cute i can't say that i have anything that old but i do have literally like i saw the underwear i wore i remember when i lost my fucking virginity i still have them i'll be wearing them that's actually cute it's not cute because i fucking wear them and literally the band has like ripped off and peeled off when the elastic like dies and crumbles and they're not elastic anymore and they're just shorts what did I wear when I lost my virginity

a gimp suit huh you wore your golf lane flame pants my golf lane flame pants and the purple converse I actually am like trying to think oh okay I actually know I remember don't even say shit

I wasn't going to say anything you were going to say some shit I was going to say you look beautiful no say what you were going to say say what you're gonna say. Say what you wanna say. And let the words fall out. I'm a virgin. You're literally, you've been passed around

more times than you know. I love being a virgin. I'm a born again virgin. I think you're a fucking slut. That's what I think you are. And that's okay. Yeah. a fucking slut that's what i think you are that's okay yeah if someone paid you a million dollars to live in the white house for free for three years would you absolutely fucking not are you kidding me how would i even be able to do that would you live

rent free in the white House for three years? I don't know. Would you eat this full platter of fruits and vegetables for $10,000? It was $20,000. For $20,000? I don't know. Probably not because it would give me a cavity from all the sugar. Girl, let's give Drew's meme reviews.

Let's go through my meme account and see what's popping. Let's see what we've got posted. I feel like Jack Harlow right now. Damn. Because I'm kind of mid mid but everybody likes me oh my god believe that just believe that okay so we got this meme i will never fully recover from my daughter pulling down my shorts and exposing my bare ass and pussy in the middle of Panera Bread this morning. I saw that. I adopted to Mason when we were all at dinner. White girls when they had to go to some tropical resort

with their family for summer instead of doing hard drugs with their friends. That's a white girl screaming. The lettuce on a McChickenicken it's dying celibate um oh this is a classic when you're at brunch and a squirt off starts out of nowhere oh my god i had a mcchicken and four nuggets for dinner the other day i'm not kidding you i literally was like comatose no i literally it it did something to my stomach that i haven't had the chickens are dangerous like they're actually

like like like i don't think they're actually edible i think it's faking they're faking it but they taste so fucking good literally it put um there was a mass of something in my stomach it was like insane this is the last one me and nia have been quoting the last line he says of this video for the last week i it's so good more than a million kids come up missing per year what do y'all think happened to these kids and every time people come up missing the more and more people come up missing the more they release more chicken sandwiches and shit i'm noticing that i'm noticing that i'm noticing that i'm literally not like the one thing about me is i am noticing that damn this just became a meme review um you're such a dumb animal

you pay 30 of your income to stay out of prison for the audio listeners it's uh chad and orangutan talking to each other in the grid format that one killed the vibe girl every time i see this i'm so fascinated by the fact that it's all just corn literally everything in the pantry is literally all just corn all we eat is corn and wheat and they make it seem like it's not but that's a little all we eat is corn wheat fillers and oils and that's our diet that's the american diet oh my god i actually just thought about eggs and it made me gag a little say you got it all this rotten food from the fridge yesterday

we kept smelling we kept smelling it on purpose to gag it was literally i'm noticing that the more people come up missing the more they release more chicken sandwiches so good i like it's so pensive i'm noticing that it's so good uh what do i do for my youtube channel you just let it die i need to record a youtube video because i have brand deals do but i don't know what to record you should make a video of you being yourself and let's do a q a q and a's are so funny i love a good q a i love a good q a i watch them but like the idea of me doing a q a is funny i don't think i don't know if i've done a q a probably since i was in high school the patreon literally says hello oh true i meant publicly it's different there's an intimacy with the patreon but like i mean like publicly you know what it is doing an id like ask me anything it's really funny because it really is just ask fm all over again yeah and it's just like ask me anything i want to talk about myself

right now i literally love it so much and i love when people do it i observe so deeply i'm like damn you really do do that like you're really into that right i just skip through if i'm being honest anytime anybody does like like ask me anything's on their story i skip through because i'm like honestly i don't feel like this is for me because i did not fucking ask you and i don't fucking care i really don't i'm gonna do one today i'm gonna go live on fucking instagram that shit by the time this is up this will have happened two weeks ago that boosted my confidence in a way i was not prepared for um did we finish the merch oh yeah kind of sorry i forgot that we were that we're doing merch and it's gonna be fucking awesome you forgot how could you forget i don't know i actually don't

know how i forgot that oh our fucking come make an appearance come say what's up literally come say hi yeah every time anybody's at our house and they want to use the bathroom we hear them we hear their pee but you guys can't hear them literally it's also crazy how josh refuses to be on the podcast yeah jk he wants to be but um there just hasn't been the proper time it hasn't there hasn't been a moment where it feels right. Maybe we'll do it before our year anniversary. Josh will be, what, our third guest? Yeah. Kai, Josiah.

Devin. Devin. Devin had a small cameo, though, so it's not even, like, guest type. Guest type beat. We need her on as a full guest. Yeah. We'll start getting guests in here. We'll start popping them in.

We'll start popping them in and making them pop a squat on camera for you guys. We'll get that out of them. That's going to be the gag is they all have to piss on our podcast. And we'll give you the audio. You can do whatever you want with it. We'll waterproof the mics. Yeah. So it'll just be like a...

All right. That's it, man. Drew died. Let's do media. I'm going to shave my fucking head. That's a lie. I would look so bad. I looked so bad with the pixie cut.

I look back at pictures and I'm like, oh, I look sl in the moment you literally cried you cried your eyes out my media of the week is a sea of love by huerco s damn um um bismillah he romani rahim by harold budd i said that so wrong i butchered the fuck out of that and it talks on fire by michael andrews crazy i tried mine is 4am by grimes classic wildlife analysis by boards of canada i've been on a crazy boards of canada kick chroma key dream coat um i think the album is geo gatti uh that's my favorite boards of canada album for the people that want it to know um toism is also cool literally the song tuism is so good um literally just listen to boards of canada get lost in their music uh some of it's really really sad and dark um but like need that sometimes and visually um bitch i literally visually have watched um eight million tiktoks eight million tiktoks um and youtube videos on

uh what's that fucking call of duty so you're not into playing call of duty you're into watching no i've always said that like i've actively since i've moved from texas like some like one consistent thing about me has been me watching call of duty videos on youtube even though i never played it um and i just love being cucked by video games i love watching people play video games like i don't know why people don't like i just don't like actually playing the video game sometimes and like watching is enough for me so you want to watch me play around a fortnight right now no i'm gonna watch my phone on tiktok i'm gonna stare at my cell phone screen for seven hours to decompress the black did you know oh this is crazy you know

why black mirror is called black mirror why you see the phone's unlocked lock it look at the screen it's a black mirror it shows you who you. Drew, I think you might be experiencing short-term memory loss because you've said that like three times this week. I'm realizing that. I'm noticing that. I'm noticing that. Literally the kid getting his makeup done. Wait, oh, this.

Pride month in the middle, it spells demon. I'll leave you with that. Bye. this pride month in the middle it smells demon i'll leave you with that bye Bye.