Emergency Intercom - Drew Still Doesn't Shower

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

Drew admits he doesnt know what Walmart is because he isn’t poor. Enya asks how has coke bro? And finally Drew predicted everything and everywhere at once.   Emergency Intercom is sponsored by Better Help. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/intercom  Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Say hello to Tim's Selects, Tim's everyday value menu. Enjoy the new spinach and feta savory egg pastry or our roasted red pepper and Swiss pinwheel starting at only $2.99 plus tax. Try one or try our full Tim's Selects lineup. Terms apply. Prices may vary at participating restaurants in Canada. It's time for Tim's. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Hello, hello, hello. Happy Black Friday, guys. Go out and get those tails.

You better not be on that couch. This is for this Friday. No, I thought that was this Friday. This is for this Friday. No, I thought it was like yesterday. Oh, the past Friday? No. Black Friday is the Friday after Thanksgiving. Didn't know that. Somebody has never been on the mark to get the deals.

I'm just not poor. No, but Black Friday is a fun activity for everybody. Where do you even shop at Black Friday on Black Friday? I go to Sears, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Walmart. What's Walmart? You've never been to Walmart? Mm-mm. Is that like a

poor person's store? You know what, Loki? You're like the Walmart version of Justin Bieber. Oh, you say I'm the Walmart version of Justin Bieber. I've actually never shopped there and you've probably shopped there a bunch in your life. And that's why you know I would look like a Walmart version why you wouldn't know I look like Walmart Justin Bieber was that guy Swedish I have no idea why is he Swedish in my head like oh of course you have been to Walmart oh of course yeah I don't know what that is I don't

know how to do a Swedish accent that was like my s.m. um but i actually while i was watching the i was thinking about it like a lot of my like ego and pride fully came from my dad because we were not in the tax bracket to avoid black friday like also like not to say like anybody could do black friday black friday is fucking fun i love i am i top tier consumerist. So a deal will have me buy something. Whether it's a deal or not, I will probably buy it. This is literally advertising for Black Friday. I know it's fucked up, but it's a ploy. It's a ploy.

They hike up the prices right before so that they can drop them. So you feel like you're getting a deal. Newsflash. Everyone's scamming everyone. It's all over stock. You know, it's just over consumption and they print too much of what they think everybody wants and then at the end of the year they sell it all off for pennies just so they can cover their asses so in q4 their numbers don't flop and the entire

economy tanks but with that being said i just never did black friday because my dad was like that's like too crazy like we can't do that and then that's probably where i got a lot of my like you've witnessed me do it where i'm like i can't do that like i just can't explain i just can't do that you literally were just doing it over cruises like i just like in my head i'm like if i'm gonna do it i have to like i have to do it with like a bit a bang, a bit of a pizzazz. I'm the kind of girl, I walk into a room and I want jaws to drop. I don't want people to close their mouth and turn and whisper. See, it's a real problem for me because when I walk into the room, panties just drop.

They just start dropping, man, like everybody. So that's the like a tsunami wave forms from all of like you know the squirt and the piss oh you know the squirt you've seen it happen at the nice guy i feel awesome right now oh like actually are you real oh no he doesn't feel awesome you're not real you're not real it's the lighting is scaring you yeah we're doing a night episode today because we were supposed to film yesterday so we didn't have to film today and then we woke up this morning and we were like fuck we can't film this morning because then he's busy and i have the gym and then now we're filming at night but it's like kind of a nice vibe honestly the lighting i can't tell on the camera but in real life looks insane like it looks like it's gonna suck insane like on camera it is like a little like that light is a little more white than i would like it's pretty fluorescent which is not a vibe it's very

scary and i can't believe technology. I can't believe we were ever headed in a direction that we believed that that fluorescent hue of like light would be good for us. Belongs anywhere but in a hospital or in a cubicle. I think it like makes people more productive or something. Like I don't know the science behind it it but get that shit out of my fucking house now yeah i don't believe it out of my fucking house you know what we need we need the lights that they installed at the pink wall and they installed green light anti night selfie lighting so like when you take a selfie at night it turns you literally moss green it's fucking lit i saw people we passed by the pink wall a few nights ago i don't remember

why but i saw people out there taking photos at night and i was like look at them not letting anything stop them also what's gonna stop me from coming to the pink wall with a big fat ass oh oh my god i don't know why why do you jump to violence because i'm an eco-terrorist why do you want like but this planet treats you good why do you want to do that no that i'm fighting for the planet don't hurt the ones you wait i'm gonna fly drones into the power grid and shut everything down oh my god i would love to see that like i would literally love to see a video that do you know how good that would sound it would be like all the like that's a good one yeah the

also i need i think i'm done okay i didn't say anything just now that was crazy i thought i'm done um i've been watching a lot like if you know me if you know me this is my fatal my only fatal flaw my only my only one is that i am stupid and my fucking wiener is so small and i'm useless and i'm so useful oh no that's funny how you're changing it i'm so happy that's funny how i'm happy you know what i'm saying no but you're mad i'm happy no you're mad it's funny because i'm happy i'm not mad i'm happy oh but i have seen you the true you and i know you're not happy, girl. Okay, this is like scaring me because I'm like burning like everything around it.

This like your little candle is like scaring my other ones. But my big issue, my one fatal flaw is that I am obsessed with plane crashes. It's so bad. Like there are those videos that like, okay, to be fair, like I am just like genuinely like curious because with something like a plane or like a car or like i'm talking about my fascination with all these like modes of transportation before but what's crazy about

planes is like accidents had to happen for them to know to fix certain things which is terrifying and like also all of these are like kind of like when the first boom of like public aviation started like that that's what i'm like watching and it's like dude this is like all these like pilots were just i wish we could still smoke on airplanes like that's that's a crazy ass vibe that our parents probably smoked on no not probably smoked on an airplane but had they wanted to could have smoked on an airplane that's us we need to bring back indoor smoking that's what i'm taking they're taking everything away from us somebody was saying some somebody replied the people are saying so the

people they're saying that it is nasty that i smoke cigarettes but i am saying it is nasty that you have the audacity to come up to me smelling like the ass crack of a fucking box of fruit loops yep and i'm the nasty one no i smell like an adult i smell like i'm paying my taxes i smell like i'm filling my car up you smell like you just went into a sticky spit filled ball pit and went to the bottom and used the bottom your nails are long enough that you scrape the carpet that's under the ball pit and all to the bottom and used the bottom your nails are long enough that you scrape the carpet that's under the ball pit and all the little crumbs from all the sludge and nasty jolly rancher stickiness that chicky cheese is under your nails and now you're coming up to me smelling like that i'm just offended like we need to bring smoking real smoking we need to bring showering

back make showering great again. Bro, you don't shower. You literally don't. I showered twice today, actually. Why? Because I was stinky as fuck. And I was like, I cannot go to the gym smelling like this. Because once I start sweating, it's going to be bad for everybody around me. Game over.

You're going to nuke the gym. Yeah. So then I showered lightly. And then I showered at the gym lightly a light shower that sounds like you didn't get between those cheeks girl i washed i washed everything i even washed my legs because i saw like a jubilee video someone asking if someone oh my god when you're watching that i literally don't yeah i knew i was like drew doesn't wash his legs i don't give a fuck and i will never wash my legs because literally watch the soap from your body go down your legs like watch it happen it literally

happens but anyways I wash my legs because I was like you know what I'm a grown-ass man I should wash my legs but I that's I have that written down though funnily enough that like it's insane that the washing your ass crack is even a conversation online because i feel like people are taught it has to be a lot it's not real like i i cannot for the life of me imagining like imagine someone not washing their ass crack like it doesn't make sense it's never it doesn't register with me and i have have always done that. But, like, I just don't have a lot of experience with straight men. That just has to be a part of the anti-men propaganda agenda. Like, that has to be a part of that.

Because I genuinely, like, have it met. But I will say, like, straight men's hygiene is lacking. Because even the ones who claim to be straight that I know, their hygiene is lacking. Stinky ass boys. I'm talking about you bitch oh so if your hygiene is lacking and you're like you take care of yourself very well like not saying that you stink or whatever but like not washing your bed sheets and whatnot yes and not washing your hands after you pee like girl you add that on top of being a straight man who like punches holes in the wall who just for some reason isn't taught this from that like damn maybe you don't you were living in a sense bubble of your own you know what i'm kind of like i kind of like you stinky like get over here yeah okay we

talked about this though because like some stink is good like okay because we're not sweaty ass we okay when i say i'm always like oh it smells musty in here and you sometimes would be like yeah there's like a musk but do you separate the words musk and musty like and must yes i just think i mishear you but there's a very big difference between musty and musk like musk and musty like and must yes i just think i mishear you but there's a very big difference between musty and musk like musk like musky is like i am gonna literally start doing i'm gonna pounce on you hello i'm gonna be the star on top of that tree right now if you don't if you don't put something else on your body to make you smell differently but then must you know what sometimes i kind of like you must yeah musty is a little sexy sometimes like just a little like i don't want it to like

send shock waves through my fucking brains and i don't want to get like spinal taps like from like your mustiness but i like you know what it is it's the part of my brain that still like is like tied to thinking that men are like building houses was it just super silent or like in my trip no it was like deafening silent for a second there was a ringing in my ear and that's the only reason why i said like spinal taps because i like it's final there's zaps going on in this it's because all of our friends were in the house for like 12 hours and now it is like deadly And everybody is loud as fuck all the fucking time. Hater. Yeah, I'm a hater.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Oh, I have it. I have it. Okay, so I was scrolling on Instagram Reels. Okay, you're there. There's flaw number one. But I was on Instagram Reels and I think i heard like the worst song i've ever heard in my entire life and i'm not joking when i say this like it feels like i got transported to like

the waiting room for purgatory like i had like a full visceral body reaction and like imagining like i've like i've experienced purgatory before and this is the song that's playing the entire time. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, this is hell music. Dude, yes. It gives me, like, a really icky feeling. No, stop.

Do you know what I mean? No, I do. Like, I literally feel like the world is ending when I hear that song. Do you know what that feels like? It's like what we were describing. Like like sometimes me and drew will accidentally go too long without a meal and there's just this like feet like almost like a feeling of sickness over you like you're not to the point of hunger where you're nauseous because we all have a hunger we all have a hunger oh tell me what you mean oh you look so free the way you use your body baby um but like not to the point of hungry where you're like nauseous and you're gonna keel over and die and like you have

nothing left in you but the point of hunger where you're like just a bit sickly feeling and like music sounds awful imagine being in that state of mind and that comes on i'm not kidding i think i would i would do it yeah it would i would have it like it would have been you catch me on a bad day and then that's my position and that's the song that comes off hell no it's like that's the song that comes on when i'm like like doing something that i really don't want to be doing like like going to the dmv like that which i'm going to the dmv did he go to the police station back to the dmv from the dmv to the lot back to the dmv back to lot 15 20 minutes up the street back to the dmv and literally still not getting his car no he spent 145 dollars in ubers isn't that crazy yeah i think he got his car maybe now but this was at like four and he was like i'm

freaking the out but is that not insane stop i'm so scared you need to get that figured out there's a warrant out for anya's arrest i can't say why but i'm terrified it's bad y'all my dad would literally at this point throw a pan at the back of my head and it's deserved it truly is deserved um we probably scared our neighbors yesterday really bad yeah i'm gonna admit to that yeah i should just text her and be like hey by the way sorry if we were loud last night and see what her reaction yeah and engage the vibe um last night i had the best night of my life though like literally last night was a movie for me should i like go go through why it was a movie sure so it was a movie because all of my bestest friends in the world were over friendsgiving and then i've just been in my little minor abuse era which guys it's over it's getting major it's getting major it's over now. Like, you see, last night was like the key I needed to feel satisfied.

Like, I was just like, see, that's good. But we go to Big Bear, it's done. Like, it's over. Like, I'm blowing up the Empire State of mind. Okay. I was about to say, hold on. Now, hold on. Hold on.

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Is that a British person? That would be my big face. What's all this then? What's all this then what's all this then dude you become like cheesy what's all this yeah you become like a little wrap all right welcome back to this podcast it's me and inya um we've got i'm a bit knackered today yeah i'm a little bit tired but i i figured i'd still give it all my all you know did you say knackered what is that it's like i'm a bit tired that is not a word yeah yeah it is but like we're still carrying it on you know like keep on carrying on like the beatles said did they say that i don't know it just sounds like keep on carry on keep on carry on that Keep on carrying on. That's like the way the Eagles would do it.

But last night was like a slay because all my bestest friends were over. And my favorite spot to get a margarita from does Margaritas to Go, which I don't think is legal. It's literally not legal. Every time you do it, I'm like, this is so illegal. Yeah. And they do it. So I'm like this is so illegal yeah like i and they they like they do it so i'm like is it on me and it's in a took a took a it's immediately open container what the fuck was that um what's going on uh no it's in it's a go container which is crazy it's in it's in a to-go container, which is crazy. It's in a to-go cup with a straw in it already.

So you're supposed to be drinking it on the go. You can have a sip while you drive. I'm kidding. Please don't. But we went and picked a few up. And on the way back leaving, everything happens for a reason at the right time. Because you know what? When we got there, it was taking so long to get them.

And I started panicking because I was like, dude, this is taking way longer than I wanted. Like, I'm missing all the time with the rest of my friends at the house. Like you know what when we got there it was taking so long to get them and i started panicking because i was like dude this is taking way longer than i wanted like i'm missing all the time with the rest of my friends at the house like i hate this and i was like feeling a bit anxious like oh this is taking too much too long i should have done this earlier if i was gonna do it whatever but because of that on the right out a firework show at the grove started when we were driving past it and i was like oh my god and then i stopped the car for a second like on a random street and me lucas and josie like hopped out of the car and we were looking we're like dude this is like so i need to clarify they're sober entirely oh yeah i'm not like they're not drinking these we do not actually condone that like that is is so, yeah. We are not drinking.

I cannot believe I have to clarify that, but I simply must. Well, the people think we are crazy and that we will drink and drive because we always joke about doing it. So it is our fault, bro. Have we ever joked about that? I have. I was like, yeah, like I just like did a few like edibles and like had a few drinks and like. Oh, but that's different. Yeah. Being crossfaded versus

being drunk is different um but yeah we did not touch our margaritas but we stopped and like we're looking at the fireworks and then i was like oh my god like these are right there so we drove past and we stopped the car on the street because literally everybody was stopping the car and getting out because in la i've never seen a firework show like that, let alone like smack dab at the Grove. Like, damn. Yeah. But yeah, we like watched it. And we would like just off of that, we're like on such a high of life because fireworks are so awesome.

Fireworks are crazy. We've talked about it so many times like they are so important to me and i know no one will ever truly understand except for india like how magical fireworks are but like just fucking look at it dude like really look it is literally the one time that i'm like burn money burn money buy the thing and burn it burn it down burn it down it literally is so awesome and it was the craziest firework show i've ever seen and trust i was thinking of you the whole time like you can ask lucas and josie like the first thing i said is like this is going to make you sad and i was like but i like can't

and why did josiah immediately come home and show me the video i know we were contemplating not even telling you but we were just on such a like one. Because then after the biggest firework show ever, we drove home blasting. What is it? What the fuck is that song? It's a Billy Joel song. You know we had to hit Love Never Felt So Good. But My Life by Billy Joel. I'm a Louis Vuitton.

I don't care what they say. This is my life um and it was just such a vibe and then we got back home and we were all hanging out and then we all walked to the store for snacks and drinks and we walked back also walks are so fun so fun. Walks with your friends. We need to bring that back. Meanwhile, I'm back home the entire time having a full-blown anxiety attack. Like, it was crazy. Yeah, I felt really bad. I haven't felt like that since high school.

Like, I literally, like, felt like my entire body was, like, pins and needles and my fingers were going numb. And, like, there was like this crazy pressure in my stomach, but I didn't feel like I was dying because I knew I wasn't dying. I knew I was having an anxiety attack, but I was like, this is crazy. I feel like fucking shit. My breathing was labored. I was like sweating. And then I was also cold. And then I was sweating and I like put on like an outfit and then I took it all off because I was like no no no i'm like overheating and then i was freezing and i was like do i get under my covers

and i was like no i can't get under my covers because it's only nine and if i go to sleep now i'll wake up at fucking 5 a.m can't do that so then i was like josiah wake me up in 15 minutes i need a fucking nap and i was just freaking the fuck out it was crazy i felt really bad i didn't know what to do but i was like there's literally nothing i could do and then every time i went in the room i was like i feel like i'm making it worse you should have just gotten me obvious bro i would not give you xanax bro how has zany's or coke bro okay no one talked to me about coke or xanax because i am sober stop talking to me about it how has any of your coke bro i'm so fucking i'm so fucking hyman what

the fuck what the that was me last night but yeah it was just like a fun night oh my prostate is literally spasming right now i cannot believe we caught that live on the fucking on the podcast that was crazy no it hurts so bad what does that even mean no it's like it feels like someone is stabbing a knife on your up your asshole and it goes up into your guts it's crazy it's like it hurts so bad for like one second and every once in a while like maybe once every three or four months it'll happen where it like happens a bunch and it's like what the fuck is going on? I'm dying. Have you had your prostate checked? No. You had to do that. No, I'm not old as fuck.

That's like... Actually, dudes are getting prostate cancer younger and younger now. I wonder why. It's the microplastics. Yeah. No, there was reasoning behind it. I think it literally is that. It's puff bars. No, it is. No, i swear to god it is it

was nicotine it was like the increased use of nicotine in like younger there is not because if you if you break down the amount of nicotine in a puff bar compared to like the amount of nicotine in the cigarettes our parents were smoking it's like four times the amount in like one puff bar like as one pack yeah like you're smoking like a pack a day basically it's like four times the amount in like one puff bar like as one pack yeah like you're smoking like a pack a day basically it's crazy that's what was shocking when people were like ew like a cigarette i'm like i'm analog hello i'm just like you are judging me girl you're smoking lychee puff bar martini on the rocks like okay lychee is over she's been over we're like me when i was trying to like i was like i can get a puff bar like i can get a puff

bar like my friends and i went and got a lychee ice and all of them made fun of me and i was like you know what i actually don't even need this like you fucking freaks anyways it was like the worst flavor ever invented i think lush ice was a very big, big moment. Obviously, Mango Jewel Pops were big. I think that's what I was trying to get. The green one. It was Lush Ice. Because lychee's gray and scary. It tastes like the color gray. It's crazy.

But yeah, then I came home. And then after like our little walk, we were watching Saw. And while we were watching it, I turned to everybody. I was like, wait, I need everybody to go up and like do your self-tape like you're trying to get into this movie right now like what is your self-tape that you're turning in while i was having an anxiety attack in the other room which i didn't contemplate because that was after the walk so i thought you were like chilling like post that no i i was fine by then oh um but we like me and orion did a scene where it was like she had to kill me but like we were still best friends in the scene and that we were like yelling like please

don't um and it just got real it literally both of us teared up because we were like why did that feel real like i like and i was like dude you you wouldn't be able to kill me she was like i don't think i could and then we had a bonding moment because we were like i don't think i could oh i could kill you oh i could kill her easily i have before i've killed your ego how about that i've killed your pride your pride is damaged this is my new shirt i've got from japan it's an astro boy front print with the cybernetic print on the back you can't see and i don't care um but yeah that's kind of like the vibe lately you know what i um have been thinking about that i think is so fucking cute and i'm so happy we do it and me even like saying anything about it it's gonna make it awkward now but the fact that every single night we say love

you to each other is so important to me and i will never do it again after this moment because it's gonna be like forced but like it's very no i literally don't believe in going to bed in a house with people without being either saying goodnight or love you. It's important. Because I was taught high superstition that someone would come in and kill all of us and then you would not say I love you. And your parents would be dead. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood. That's literally why I say it because I'm like, what if she dies in her sleep?

I know. I'm like, what if I get killed? Sometimes when I go to bed, I'm like, damn, there's a chance somebody comes in this house and fucking stabs me tonight the craziest thing is it feels like this episode's been four hours and it's only been 25 minutes 25 minutes yeah that's still pretty like crazy because i don't feel like i've talked for 25 minutes but speaking of death um i we we've talked about like how we just like have no us. No, no, no. No famish, no nothing. I can't survive. I'll take myself out of the game.

I will blow myself up. But I was thinking about it. I was like, I like- Skinny in the famine. That's like a plus. Bro, but literally, you probably won't have Instagram. So now what? What's the point?

Yeah, you literally also like you won't have postmates i'll be skinny in the commune i'll be the skinniest in the commune um the village but when i was i'm gonna read what i wrote because like i don't know when i wrote this let's see the last time i updated this was at 1 53 a.m uh a night two nights ago i said i like need to die a peaceful death because i will be so pissed if i'm dying in a scenario where i'm fighting for my life because i can't fight and i feel like i say this all the time but it pisses me off also if i was in a life or death situation where i had to take orders from somebody i think i would just die like i forgot what i was watching i think i was watching

something where it was bitch i was watching a fucking one of the plane crash things where like the two pilots like were talking to each other and telling each other what to do and i was like that would piss me off so fucking bad like you think i'm not trying to do my best to save my own life right now like yeah if i'm just like in a scenario where it's like never literally never never put me in a situation ever literally never put me in a situation like it will be just do not put me in a situation it will be bad for everybody yeah like oh my god that would like actually piss me the fuck off if i was in a burning house and somebody was like do this like stop dropping are you fucking dumb like are you dumb i will do the

exact opposite i'll do the exact opposite guess what now i'm gonna like get the febreze that's in the house and start fucking spraying you bitch so that i can torch you to death because you're but yeah i just i can't i can't be in that kind of life or death situation i just need to like die like in my sleep or something yeah trying to think how i want to die i don't want to die i'm afraid of death i'm afraid of what comes after death i like actually i take that back i'm so okay with it and if i died in this moment if god smited me and exploded me and got it on camera one i would be ig and twitter famous like god trended number one it would be fucking lit and it would be it would be the most iconic

video of all time like this dude talking about wanting to die get smited by god and explodes on camera and it's uploaded dude the thing is i would fly out to new york literally right after this and go be on good morning america tomorrow morning like it would like be that instant for me like i would just like get you would have it made my pr team would be on it it would be like all right so here's your pose how can we make money off of yeah like how can we get this trending how can we make this a trend you can make a go fund me for my family but then keep it for yourself oh i was already gonna do that yeah no that was like i like thank you but, that was like, I like thank you, but that was a different thing.

I've been seeing this trend where it's like, if I die, all of my friends can just completely lie on my name, on Drew, on everything, and tell the most vile lie ever. I'm literally gonna do that. You can do that. I would lie. Yeah. We also need to revert back to like the mall like so much shopping has gone to the like the internet and like e-commerce is over yeah like we need to kill off e-commerce

other than when we drop merch come on like yeah pieces together we do not fall under this rule but or look my case like you can still buy my case it's okay um but we need to go back to the mall because the day we had at the mall that was that was i'm not kidding one of the best days of my entire life if not no no of my year if not in my entire life like just going around being like Papa to all my high friends and like going in and out of these stores and being crazy. We walked into the Dyson vacuum store. That's still the most insane. And it was so much fun to just fucking literally,

they have like dust and dirt to throw on the fucking ground. And they like, I don't know. They like pour dust and dirt all over the floor and then you can practice vacuuming or see which vacuum you like the most and he we were doing that and having like a fucking goof and a blast and a ball and the dude noticed that they were all like super fucking stoned out of their mind and i i i watched the thought click in his head and he brought out next he was like oh you like

this wait till you see this and he was like this one has a laser and then everyone was like oh my fucking god laser vacuum and then i started to get existential and i was like this is too much like me to the worker as if he like had anything to do with like what vacuums have become i was like honestly this is too much like this is pushing it like all of this is pushing it like why am i going into a dyson store and like playing like pimp my ride like it's a tesla shop like it literally feels like being in a tesla store it's like i want the um the matte chrome for the bar and then i want my laser to be pink, fluorescent pink. Like that's just like too much. But it was the most fun shit ever.

Also, low key, they are just making you do their cleanup job. Oh yeah. I was thinking about that. No, no, no. I was thinking about that and then you started thinking about that. You were like,

while I was doing it, because also I was the little test monkey was being like like pushing the vacuum around which was so lit all eyes on me literally party vibe um but we are such fucking losers i know what like there's no way anybody is listening to this and enjoying this owl like what we need to do is get american girl dolls those are fucking lit but that's another conversation i never had american girl dolls those are fucking lit but that's another conversation i never had american girl dolls though i was just like a brats kind of girl like that was like where my dolls went all right yeah right right

i was like a gi joe yeah like guy a gi joe and then you would get your care bear care bears like involved in what way they would just play i know i did i literally i'm not joking i would play with my sister's barbies i'm not joking they would be under her bed in her bedroom and like a giant seven oh you would play with them because you would make the gi joe and the barbie have sex no i would make the i would play with her boobs on the barbie dolls and i would just like make them like eat each other out and shit it was like so fucking hot um but i would literally play but with barbies it was it was a crazy fucking vibe and i would do it in secrecy because i knew if anybody saw me doing it i would get in so much fucking trouble and why though because toys should be for everybody

we should literally every episode just drop like the most basic like they like like girls should have respect you i'm saying that like you you don't do that every episode you have done that every single episode since we started to say the obvious and be like, yeah, I said it. That's just something I've been thinking. Like, wait, you should smile more. No, no, that's not a good one. Like, that's not. If you're depressed, just smile.

No, okay. Well, like, see, mine was a banger because it was like this idea that like toys do not necessarily lie within gender and like gender norms are odd so mine was like a positive take but yours is like this like really weird take that like women should just be expected to like be standing objects to look good yeah um i don't i don't see a problem with that no no no so girls like think i have vaginas and boobs um that chipotle is in my stomach digested i knew it i knew what drew i got a chipotle bowl for me and drew to share because i think about my friends and i was like i don't i'm not gonna finish this whole bowl i'm gonna leave the rest for drew and he picked he had the audacity to pick it up 30 minutes ago that would be my big fat ass that would be my big fat ass that would be my big fat ass you're like really good at it like

scares me um but he has the audacity to pick it up 30 minutes ago as if it doesn't take him two to three hours to digest anything that goes into his body since he has a concave thick layer of um resin from his puff bar um red 40 dye from all the candies and um fructose syrup oh wait what you have a hard shell of semen lining your stomach bro if i got shot by like somebody i wouldn't even penetrate me because I just have like a thick layer of semen all over my body at every waking moment. I used to not take a shower after having sex. Which is fucking crazy. No, but I always pee. Like I've never had a UTI.

Never had a UTI club. Not many people can say that. I am a walking champion. You get bacterial yeast infections all the fucking time. That's different though because that lies on my partners being dirty nasty monsters and i will continue to fuck them though because it's good that goes out to you you know who you are um but yeah i just used to just go to sleep i used to go pee and then be like i I'm going to sleep now.

I cannot believe that of all people. And then I had the audacity to be like, do not fucking sit on my bed. Do not go on the outside clothes. That should have been a warning for you. Don't get in Inya's bed after any time. Just don't do it. It's all sticky and hard and like. If you went to go take a dive onto my bed your head would hit it and you would be concussed you know you know semen and squirt you know how like people always like if you like jump

into water from like 40 feet or above like it feels like concrete that's how your bed feels from four inches if you jump onto it um okay something no one is talking about and it's actually it blows my fucking mind that i did this and it's not a conversation being had at all but the way i fucking predicted everything everywhere all at once actually i would even go as far as saying inspired it and gave them the entire idea to the movie you are crazy because I literally did and we'll watch the clip right now play the clip play the clip oh my god what do you see everything i was literally everywhere in everything all at once just now i think i just experienced what it was like to be God. Yup. Okay, so let's jump in. I'm a fucking genius and everything I do is really important.

And I'm sure future directors, writers, actors, whatever you are watching this, like I'm sure I've had so many moments on this podcast where you're like, damn, he's a fucking genius. And then it sprung a thought into your brain and you've written an entire script about it give me my fucking flowers i don't i don't need money i don't want the money but like bro that's literally exactly what you want the daniel brothers even stole my fucking middle name like it's crazy like i gave them the movie and they took my middle name like wait what y'all are fucking crazy i'm'm done. Wait, who? Everything, everywhere, all at once. I think they're the Daniel brothers. The Daniel Phillips?

No, the Andrew Daniel Phillips. I'm so confused. Their name is the Daniel brothers. What does that have to do with you? They stole my fucking middle name. Oh, okay, okay. Damn, bunk middle name, if I'm being honest. But I love you, and that's all that matters.

Should we say yours out loud? No. Yeah, I'm going to leak that shit. that matters. Should we say yours out loud? No. Yeah, I'm going to leak that shit. Oh, ow, fuck, that hurts so fucking bad. Who directed Everything Everywhere All at Once? Probably your mom after having sex with me because she's so inspired because of how good sex with me is. That's impossible. Have I ever told the Bob Odenkirk daughter story?

Maybe. Maybe while we were in New York. Maybe. If we haven't, let us know. We'll tell it another time. And if you're listening, hi. We're airing your shit out. There was something I talked about when we recorded

the scrapped episode in Japan that I was like oh I want to talk about that now oh the the dude who lived in my house for like years and no one said anything we basically had a squatter in my fucking house for like what felt like years and I can talk about this shit because it was actually really scary and he would like off it was literally like a parasite vibe like he was like the movie parasite like he was a fucking parasite in our house and he would like offer my parents to smoke crack out of like i know i know but i'm saying like it was basically it felt like someone was living under your home yeah and we couldn't get him out of the fucking house and like it's just funny to think about there's so many things that happened in my fucking childhood

that like are so insane but they were so normal to me because i was experiencing them and i was just like oh everyone experiences this right but then i grow up and i'm like oh that was fucking crazy like they're like there's so much shit that I literally just can't even talk about. Because I'm like, that is so insane. And someone will get in trouble. But that is just one of those moments where I'm like, why didn't my parents just fucking kick him out? But he was, like, refusing to leave. We literally had a squatter in our house.

And no one wants to talk about it. I didn't have anything like that. Interview me about it. Ask me questions about it. You can ask me anything. Yeah. Anything you want. How long was he there

a little over a year um did you miss him when he was gone at first or were you not at all he stole things from me and sold them on ebay baseball bat baseball glove that's honestly lit yeah did you know you didn't need that i did did you know on um ebay if you sell one item and it's over six hundred dollars now you get a 1099k form that if you don't file with the government that you can you're basically committing tax fraud so if you sell it yeah it's one item and if you sell more than six it used to be twenty five thousand dollars and like six hundred items like no one's actually doing that except for like people who know what they're doing. Just a little fun fact.

So be careful. All the Depop girlies out there. You're over. You're done. I'm snitching. Next person who highballs are like is overselling something for more than it's worth. I'm reporting them to the IRS. Oh, you think you're about to get $80 for your Ed Hardy zip up,

but what you're gonna get is a cease and desist and a notation from the IRS. Saying you owe $800 for unpaid taxes. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Yeah. And next time somebody declines

my lowball, you're done. I recently had to make a new account because i was like damn how embarrassing if somebody like outs me for lowballing the fuck out of people because honestly at this point i do it for fun like if i'm being honest like it's like a little high it's like fun and and i know it's like awful and it annoys people because i have a homie who sells shit all the time and is like that is the worst shit ever when somebody like lowballs the fuck out of me because i know they're just trolling and pushing their luck that would be me takes one to no one it's fun it's fun like you really that's the funny thing is you really think i'm about to spend 500 on your beat up stinky fucking ballerina flats nope if i'm high i just

might i was about to say you have bought like 18 pairs of those things and they turn to dust i need to stop they turn to dust you have an addiction the ballet flat specifically like has such a grip on me it's croquette as fuck bro you always say croquette but you mean coquette oh yeah like i wish i had powers and i could just fucking levitate i have so much shit to talk about it's crazy and i talk about two things and you've been dead silent um okay um my friend sent me a picture of bad baby and said drew said any in miami and then our friend said any if she didn't find the 1975 okay but i don't need to be real i need to be coca-cola i hate that that's something you wrote you're like i have so many things to talk about like

so much to get off my plate i don't need to be real i need to be coca-cola i don't need to be real i need to be euthanized she was fucking spitting when she said i need to be coca-cola because like have you ever had yes have you ever had a coca-cola before that's all you need to know i'm gonna fuck i'd like i oh i'm gonna attack you oh oh we started talking about this at the very end of the last episode we spend way too much time together and i don't know how we're not bored of each other yet right it's crazy i know lately there's been like a little bit of tension like us. Like a lull? No, no, no. Like a little tension. But like it's like not even noticeable enough.

It's just like, girl, we need our space. We need to go back to Texas. You need to go back to Miami. I do feel it. Like we're both at the point where like the slightest thing to one another. It's like, okay. And it's like, I just don't. I can't.

I'm not engaging in this. Or we'll call each other out on our bullshit way more. But it's like fun. It's like, I just don't. I can't. I'm not engaging in this. Or we'll call each other out on our bullshit way more. But it's like fun. It's like fun. But yeah, like, you know when it shows. La taxica, el taxico. We should get those on fucking hats and shirts. I want that so bad.

Next time the fair comes around, you don't have my chismosa top. We have to get our shirts airbrushed. El taxico. But we. Oh, wait. Somebody. Somebody posted and was like, this is me and you, and it's like chismosa virus

instead of coronavirus. That's literally us. Think about it. Just in case you didn't know it was a reference to coronavirus, that thing that happened. I know, I got it. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, sure. But you know when it shows the most is in the car, and that's what I was leading into in the last episode. It's is in the car and that's what i was leading into in the last episode it's like in the car that's when i realized like damn we don't have shit to fucking say to each other anymore because like oh look at that toyota look at that round four oh my god the new volkswagen yeah wow wow it almost has the body of an audi that's weird it's really interesting because like audi and volkswagen are owned by the same people now like audi owns

volkswagen so like their cars are just basically cheaper audis yeah oh you know what i just thought outie suck my fucking balls it's funny because the people who would even correct you probably Correct you, probably don't have the car. Do we? Thank you. Oh, oh, oh. The thing in the car, back to the car, is because we were talking about that, I just thought of this as one of the tension moments where like I, neither of us spoke, but like I, or it was just me being annoyed because I was just like annoyed, but it was like we were driving and we were 12

minutes away from the the garden and i was like text around that we're 12 minutes away but you were in the middle of telling me something looking something up and you go yeah okay and then like i saw that you weren't doing i was like no tell her we're 12 minutes away and you were like yeah after this and then you kept talking and i could feel like the slightest bunch of attention because i was like you you were going forth we are going you were going forth on like looking your thing up and i don't even know what we were talking about what we were looking at see that's why we're spending too much time together because we don't even know what we fucking talk about anymore like i actually couldn't tell you what we were talking about three

minutes ago it's well no that's because you have object permanence and issues of that nature because you have mental disorders and that's the difference that's the difference between us is i wake up and i'm normal yeah and you you wake up and you're so confused and you forget everything you have to do all the time because you have issues and that is us talking to you adhd freak bitches if you have adhd you fucking disgust me let's talk about it you are losers people who have adhd i'm sorry yeah i feel bad for them i feel bad for you yeah dude i literally can't imagine a life where I don't forget something immediately. Like I literally crave that so much, but I don't plan on medicated.

I need ADHD to survive. Like if I didn't have it, like I, I actually don't know what I would be. It would be so weird. You would probably be normal. I would be in Texas still. And you would be like happy.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Damn. Right. Damn. This shit got dark though. wait wait wait wait let's see let's read one more thing from my list um drake apple mid as fuck yeah okay um oh this is a good one there are sigils everywhere inside your iPhones. Demonic presence throwing them away.

They are mind control. Only podcast out to listen to emergency intercom. Without us, you will fail. But there are sigils inside your iPhone. What is that? Let me show you. It's really interesting, actually. Sigil iPhone motherboard.

Oh, my fucking stomach hurts so bad. I'm like, oh my fucking stomach hurts so bad i'm like oh my stomach hurts and it's because i had mcdonald's last night taco bell and then chipotle today like i actually treat my body like i'm fucking 13 or something it's so disgusting and we have no control over ourselves it's really really bad where the fuck is me if i'm in the right here like throw your iphone away when you airdrop that on the plane to japan i forgot i did that i airdropped this photo to like 200 people on the airplane they have no idea what this means i would not know what the fuck i was looking at if that was sent to me um oh to circle back to you saying why is every video of people cheating like confronting their cheating partner in the car you know what it is is a big sign if you are your i think i said

this if you're your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner's chauffeur that already is a bad sign but specifically like if you are dating a man and like you're driving him around he's a cheater like he's bound to cheat and then somebody said oh so we fully said this but i'm only repeating that to get to my next point somebody made a comment about this and i was like my fingernails taste good right now i know they taste salty and gross and brined your fingers brine because you don't wash your hands um but somebody was like oh if your boyfriend doesn't automatically give you the booth seat he doesn't give a fuck about you and he's gonna cheat on you and that's like yeah that's how you know he's gonna cheat on you if that's the case and i just thought to bring that back up because it is true like if i am going out to eat with you and you're not giving me the booth automatically

bitch that's it and i need the booth i need the booth with my back facing the wall so i can protect everyone i'm not kidding i'm like a fucking dog or a cat like i have to be in the corner of the room so i can see everything i hate with my back facing the door and all the windows out to the street because how do you know when the killer is coming in the killer i wish you went to tai feng tonight that's kind of my vibe that is lit as fuck it's so fucking expensive though i know it is really i didn't realize how expensive it was until we went that last time and we used to like really run didn't i fung up like that used to be our spot for a second no rights um should we uh get into

media right all right right okay for music i have angel Corps Part 2 by Team Meccano. Wait, where is it? Unlinting by Tech Linto. And... In Between a Mason's Mansion, In Between a Mansion's Gate, Arrow Grows M. Those are more schizophrenic music that I really love.

Oh, it is. Ow, my boobs. It literally is. And then for shows, I've been watching yugioh gx um and it's been terrible that show fucking sucks but i'm addicted to it and i love it and i watch it every single night over and over again it's really bad for me and it makes me want to play yugioh which is the entire point of the show where i'm like oh i'm gonna buy yugioi-Oh cards and play Yu-Gi-Oh but I know I would do it for five seconds

and get bored like everything I do because my brain is fucking awful and I can't do anything for more than five minutes without getting bored of it and I have no passions anymore and nothing excites me and I have zero pleasure in anything that I used to have pleasure doing just play

Fortnite getting a win in fortnight is better than orgasming no it literally is it is genuinely because you know what like i could see if like the if the orgasm happened after 40 minutes of foreplay that is the equivalent of a fortnight win yeah a fortnight win is just like insane amount of like foreplay to the point where you're like i don't even have to bone you like i can leave now um literally anytime i've ever had sex is that all right well um your media babe oh yeah i just don't think you guys deserve that right now so okay um mine is my life by billy joel um i'm still listening

to amplified heart a lot by everything but the girl which has been making my links my discover weekly has sucked fucking balls the past two weeks and i don't understand because like i've been listening to like good music and i think spotify just has no idea what to give me anymore. It's like, girl, you have, like, gone to the earth's end of the genres you like. Like, just shut the fuck up. And that's what it feels like Spotify is saying. Spotify is literally like, you're annoying as fuck, bitch. Yeah, it's like, you need more.

I'm so sure you need more. But Oops by 808 State Bjork. I choose you, Chicago gangsters. Leap Day Night, scene one, David Berman, Nothing Natural by Lush Intergalactic Love Song,

The Diddies and Paige Douglas. Boom, bye. Boom, bye. Boom, bye. Bye. Drew, oh, Drew disappeared. He vanished. Drew did his mass vanishing act.

Oh, you're trying to burn me, bitch. I knew it. It was wet. That was wet, Drew. No, it wasn't. Dude, yes, it was. I swear it wasn't. Bye.