Emergency Intercom - Drews hole is sentient

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

Drew recounts the big fart he made from his butt and Enya retells her first kiss story. Can drew find love? Is it even possible at this point? Probably not,,, I don’t even rly want it. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/INTERCOMtoday to get 10% off your first month Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, of Emergency Intercom. Guys, something really big happened today. What?

I lost my virginity this morning. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. And I know it's weird that it happened at like 6 a.m. Wait, to who okay oh my god you're like actually so you're lying i'm already sharing so much information you don't know them they go to a different school like hello like are you lying like what i actually

didn't want to say because it was your fucking mom oh my god it's literally my mom's birthday tomorrow yeah well that's why i because i took her virginity too which is weird because you're here so it's like she lied to you no she was a virgin she bled everywhere is a total fucking slag to slag total fucking slag i'm so sweaty today it's been really hot in the house it's's back to being hot. Look, it's literally 99 degrees. Oh, wow. I don't know if the sun is blocking it, but it's literally 99 degrees in here. So fucking hot. Wow, that's actually lit.

But with that being said, I'm really sorry. And all I can say is I'm just going to go off my note. And this has nothing to do with you. But I can't believe people feel embarrassed. But doing things in public. Like, I forgot who I was talking to. Oh, I was, like, walking around with, like, this group of friends. And one of them was like, you are, like, too crazy.

And I don't think I could ever hang out with you alone because of, like, how loud I laugh. And I, like, am so quick to make jokes about everything happening. Yeah, you're a funny girl. You make people laugh. You're like a comedian. I'm a funny girl. Funny girl. All funny things happen to me um but i'm just

too funny and too loud and rambunctious for a lot of people but genuinely i think the one video that comes to mind that i know everybody will know and we reference it was me yelling in the elevator like stairwell at the mall and people being like how is she doing that like how is she not embarrassed like blah blah blah we can't take you anywhere i'm crazy i'm fucking crazy because it's fucking funny and it's literally so hilarious to be so loud and make people look at you literally who cares because those people i am genuinely convinced like 98 of the people that are around me at all times at any given moment genuinely aren't real and like that might make me a narcissist or a sociopath but like i don't believe it i'm not buying it i'm not real like I'm um what's don't hey don't you're not supposed to do that publicly

don't do that it's hiding in plain sight babes like if you do it yes I guess I'm they don't they're like oh like he would never if he was actually in the Illuminati he would never actually do that oh okay okay but I can't I mean I'm I'm fucking it up now because now they

will cut that out no it's all in plain sight babes oh is it real is it not real no we're good okay yeah so that wasn't real um but yeah i just was thinking about that because i just don't feel embarrassed actually the things i feel embarrassed over are like it comes and goes so quickly and i'm not one of those people who sits and remembers things that embarrassed me i can't think of a single thing that happened that i was like oh that was so embarrassing and humiliating like i almost passed out i wanted to throw up and it was so uncomfortable because genuinely if i do feel embarrassment ever it goes away so fast like i'm like oh that was embarrassing and i almost say it like like i'm just mimicking the humans around me i'm like guys

that was so embarrassing because i think it was supposed to be and i just have to say it so people don't think i'm crazy yeah when i do when i get like there are a few specific things that come to my brain when i think of like times i've been actually embarrassed one of them is farting in front of my whole class during reading time in like second grade most horrifying experience of my life like i guys i didn't fart in front of anybody even like in public like i didn't fart any in front of my friends in front of my family in front of my twin fucking sister like i didn't fart in front of anybody until i would i know how to make my fart silent because i have a big gaping butthole and i it's just so super stressed out they're like it just like breathe it's like a breath um it's like the nastiest thing i've ever it's prolapsed

too a little bit um but it would or i didn't fart in front of anybody until maybe this year like maybe last year at the most because like for some reason farts like like they're hilarious to me when they're not mine but like my own like i was just like indoctrinated into this like anti-fart household where it was just not funny like no not even my brothers farted in front of me like that's fucking disgusting don't fart no it wasn't even like that just none of us farted in front of each other like it was crazy it was really crazy unspoken shame yeah wow was that hard for you it was pretty difficult what was i even saying about that because we were talking about embarrassment embarrassed yeah um yeah it's funny because

drew let out the most wet shit like okay yes it wasn't wet it was shitty like it was a shitty dookie fart but it was not wet like literally like that like it came out of the ass of somebody who just won a hot dog eating competition why when i was in the bathroom after that i was like wow why was that like one of my greatest acting performances of my life because i was like i like every once in a while like i'll hear a sound and like get ptsd'd written and freak out and think someone's in the house and like i'll be like wait wait pause the tv what is that pause that pause that hurry and then it turns out to be our neighbors walking up the stairs or some bullshit oh this okay yeah well like before i

let out this like diabolical demented disgusting fucking nasty fart biggest fart of my life um i made a big fart out of my butt um i was like i gave just this performance i was like wait wait wait guys guys guys like pause that what is that sound and then i bent over and went dude no it was literally like it was like like yeah it was like literally like insane it took shapes of its own and me and josiah literally were so shocked by it we didn't even say anything we were just like oh it was so loud that my cup was you were next to the table my cup was on and i moved my cup because i literally got the intrusive thought that i would get like pink eye or like something shitty doo-doo flakes let's answer it hello oh my god human human human human human click one one one one one over and over again Guys, if you ever are talking to a robot and you want to speak to a human...

Hi, um... I'm good. What about you? That's a robot. Are you a robot? Are you a... Are you a robot? Oh, this is a robot. Ayúdame. Are you a robot?

Is this a robot? I really want to speak to a human. Guys, okay. Life tick, life hack. Also, I'm getting serious because we still haven't paid our gas. I know, I freaked out. I was like, oh. I was like, wait.

Because I heard sounds in the backyard this morning and I was like, oh, wow. The ops are offing. We still are doing the thing. This is so annoying that we're still doing this. We'll pay it. We'll pay it before we go away for vacation but we haven't paid our power and i gas and every time i hear sounds in the morning of like men around the house i'm like yeah they're gonna turn off my water they're gonna turn off the heater um same um but life tip if you're ever

speaking to a robot and you want to speak to a human just say human human human and clicking one one one one one one one one one one over and over again and it overloads their system or some shit because like it has worked without fail like that's the way there's nothing else in this life that makes you more angry than talking to like an automated system no it's it's really like one they're replacing jobs two i don't want to speak to a stupid fucking robot like literally what the oh my god ai has been in front of us this entire time but i don't want to speak to a robot i want to speak to a human like i don't know i don't know how to explain it it's just like literally not chill not fucking chill like nasty boots like i fucking hate robots remember when they first started in plot um putting

in self-checkouts and literally the whole internet exploded and was like we're meeting our end self-checkout is the devil it literally is because like now they just fucking take pictures of your face all day and scan your shopping habits and they're collecting data on all of us which i keep saying that i'm afraid of and i don't know what it means but also that makes you mad and then i'm trying to think of something else i'm like what makes me that mad like that genuinely pisses you off and i think what genuinely pisses me off is people chewing sounds yeah no it's it that is the one thing that you cannot do i like genuinely no matter how much i love you no matter how we are, if you are chewing like a fucking animal around me, I will actually cut your head off. The thing is, is it's not even chewing like an animal.

It is literally just natural human chewing sounds like I could be like. Like twice and then you'll be like, OK, you need to fucking stop now. Like, I'm not fucking kidding. Like, I'm going to fucking kill myself. You need to stop. Sometimes like it hits a part of my brain and then you'll be like okay like you need to fucking stop now like i'm not fucking kidding like i'm gonna fucking kill myself you need to stop sometimes like it hits a part of my brain and then sometimes it doesn't because like like kai chewing gum the other day literally oh my god it was driving me fucking crazy and josiah eating his fucking carrots he was actually eating them like a fucking child though because he was crunching on them and chewing with his mouth really loud open because i think he liked hearing the crunch sounds.

But I couldn't do it. And it was freaking me the fuck out. And chewing just like it hits a primal part of my body and brain that genuinely triggers caveman like anger. Like I want if there was a rock around me when somebody was chewing on food and it hit my brain that way, I think I would bludgeon them to death. Oh, my God. You're fucking's sis it is never that deep like it is literally never that deep you know what i mean though like it's just like a rage that goes like it feels like yeah like a blackout like a seeing red yeah but and i know it's such a stupid thing to get that angry over but i genuinely can't stop it like it's not by choice it just takes over me something else is when i'm driving and someone honks at me even if

i'm in the wrong like i'm literally like shut the fuck up like you're literally like a coward you have napoleon complex you're a small little man and you need to use your big horn because you aren't hurting your life and your wife is cheating on you and you're being cuckolded by your boss. Exactly. It's crazy. I'm literally getting angry about it, like thinking about it. But like literally anytime I drive now, like I get road rage, but only for like 13 seconds.

Like someone like, I don't remember what it was, but I started chasing after them and then I was like, what am I doing? And I'm about to miss my turn. i got a turn um it's crazy oh it was that guy who you were going the speed limit and literally behind you he was tailing your ass and honking at you yeah and then sped around me and i was like a kia soul oh yeah it was a kia so i'm sorry love if you drive a kia soul like this you're over like it's done hamster commercial really get you like that how did they get you wait those commercials are actually so they were lit but then like you were into it and all it took was

blinking your eyes once to realize you were watching cgi hamsters dance around a tiny car yeah you know what other commercials like ingrained in my brain forever the gatorade commercials where they were sweating gatorade out of their pores like some of the hardest like commercial graphics ever i've been like obsessed with like promotional campaigns recently like obviously we all know the kill bill campaign like slashing blood spraying all over the wall like that vibe like creative like i think it was like coca-cola that did like showers no no no it was sprite maybe or vitamin water but like basically they went they built like showers at a beach that were shaped like fountain sodas like you know

and they were showers that you push a button and it rains on you and it was a promotional campaign for like sprite or something um literally love gorilla marketing i love the um what's the other one there was like a it's like a mercedes one the mercedes or it was a bmw yeah it's like once you start going fast enough then you'll look like us and it was like the mercedes logo spinning fast enough that it looked like a bmw logo yes whoever made that up was on one and had to have done a little bit of math yeah because what the fuck are you talking about like how did you conceive that genuinely what are we talking about right now also just like that bmw mercedes like mutual symbiotic beef public beef but behind the closed doors like everybody's winning was so sick literally so sick well i keep thinking about all the weird shit that happened in middle school that

i have kind of talked to uh talked about but i need to talk about again um and i was just thinking about like my first kiss the other day like my first proper makeout kiss slut what you've never made out with someone absolutely fucking not are you fucking saving yourself or something yes okay if i'm a slut you're a freak what now i'm a holy man i'm a holy man yeah i know some holes oh yeah i got fucking gaping holes was it you were but if you've heard this story just fucking listen to it again i don't fucking care um but my first us to each other after every fucking story we've ever told 36 times we have the same conversations every single day fucking day it's really really crazy the only new things are like mic drops of the really sad dark shit that's happened in our life where we're just guys

sorry last day this is june 13th the last day i'm hitting this this will probably come out two or three weeks after the fact i'm not hitting this this anymore. I swear I'm holding it down. It's for my beautiful mother. Happy birthday to you. And we don't want to get copywritten strike. Love you, mom. Happy birthday. God bless Pam.

My mom listens to every single episode of me talking about spraying shit and poop out of my butt and farts. Well, my parents don't, is like actually kind of sad but i guess my mom literally wouldn't understand yeah like what is she gonna be listening for um but i just wanted to yeah i wanted to reiterate my first kiss and if you've heard it i'm sorry because i have told it like eight times because it's actually probably the funniest story ever to me so it was like sixth or seventh grade and i was just started to date this kid because for valentine's okay i mean like it's only natural it's natural for men to date oh i mean okay he courted me i didn't court him okay but you still pursued

it um but also me saying courted over seventh grade like foolishness okay so setting the scene it's like sixth seventh grade take cares on the radio all the fucking time you already know the vibes the vibes are elite for valentine Day, he gets me this really big thing. What grade was it? Like seventh grade, I think. You're going to get your first kiss to seventh grade. Holy shit. I actually do think it was sixth grade, but I don't remember.

Because I'm not a fucking loser. I lost my first kiss really fucking easy. Actually, never mind. Damn. Sorry, keep going. I was going to say something else um wow your virginity not my virginity i did lose my virginity when i was 18 wow because i am i'm a law-abiding citizen i lost mine to a 30 something year old when I was 16.

I wish that was a joke. I know it's not. Military vibes. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say something. Never mind. And I lied and said I was joining the army too. Oh, you are a part of the army. Mm-hmm.

We'll tell that story another day. Yeah, one day, one day. Coming soon. But whatever. We start dating on Valentine's Day. This is just a cute thing to mention. I was really into polymer clay during the time. So I made him and he was like, his cousins and him were all like graph writers.

And he would graph write his name with the superman s so i made him a superman logo he's such a toy yeah he's a toy he's like not really about it um but i made him a superman logo pendant and gave him a necklace with that pendant on it that's so cute for val Valentine's Day. And he probably got in and was like, bitch, I do not want to wear this because he never wore it. Also, it's like exposing himself. Yeah, it's like embarrassing too. It's just too much. But that was my cute gift.

And while I was making it, Take Care was playing, and I was like, I would take care of him. Ew. I was like, I literally would take care of him. I wish I had that feeling. It's crazy. You've had it once, and then it blew in your face and like set your life on fire. Yeah.

It's not even there. Also, it's not even that like my walls are built up. It's just like no one is intriguing. Yeah. And I feel like you're also at the age now where you know so many cool people. So finding someone is like only harder. Does that make sense? I feel like when you get all the dating shit out young, it's like, OK, I know what the age now where you know so many cool people so finding someone is like only harder does that make sense i feel like when you get all the dating shit out young it's like okay i know what i like

i know what i don't like blah like easy said and done and then you're used to like the game of it so you can date really easy but since you haven't it's like too much to just jump in with a random. Yeah. That feels crazy. I bet. No. Yeah. I'm like, why would I literally ever do that? Why would I do that when I know some of the coolest people?

Like genuinely, I have like more than enough love from the people that I surround myself with that like, I will literally just have sex with people when I need it. Yeah. Yeah. When your urges. Yeah.

When my primal urges kick in um but that is besides the point that was just a cute thing so we're dating for i don't remember how long but we were all friends with the same people and our mutual close friend i'll just say i think this was this was her nickname so i'll just say it um our mutual friend cc was like y'all like need to make out like you haven't made out yet and i was like i know but i'm just like nervous like i don't want to make out like i don't know i don't know i don't know she's like oh my god like everybody wants to make out you need to make out with him and i was like okay fine like i'll fucking make

out with him which is like such a funny conversation to be happening in the middle of what like english class what the fuck are we talking about and so i didn't have the same class with him i had like a band class while they had you were in band like history uh no not by like choice they just like had us in a musical class i never touched a fucking instrument in my life nerd okay well i was a slut so i couldn't have been a nerd but i guess i was like a nerdy slut hybrid you were like bad teacher yeah I was like hybrid Emma Stone Cameron Diaz vibes but basically they told me to skip class because all his friends were in his class so I skipped class while they had lunch and went to the hallway while they they all came back from lunch early so they could watch us make out and i stood in the hallway with this kid and made out with him while all our friends stood around us and watched like the weirdest shit ever they all just stood around and watched it sucked balls he

got spit all over my face i was so uncomfortable i fucking hated it it was so weird and you know like that post like make out dried spit literally like wiping my mouth on my sleeve I was like okay and I just backed up and then their teacher came to like let them in the room and looked at me and was like

Enya you don't have this class right now I was like oh my teacher let me like come in whatever and then she like looked at us all and she was like what were y'all doing and I was like we weren't doing anything and then proceeded to give us a lecture like a really religious lecture about how you should be dating to marry people don't date for fun you date to marry to find your significant other for the rest of your life you dating is a fun activity you're supposed to be doing it to lock it down and she looked at me and she was like do you want to be with him for the rest of your life and i was like i don't know because i was literally in fucking like sixth or seventh grade i was like um and

then she sent me to the vice principal and i got what pt for skipping class so she not only did she ruin my vibe she was literally a boner kill yeah like actually um she ruined the vibe and she sent me to what my school called pt which was physical torture i hated and i had to do crab walks in the hot sun for a lame ass kiss but the funniest part is after doing all that i go home and my friend cc calls me she's like oh my god we didn't get to talk like how was it and i was just like oh yeah it was so good like it was literally the best it was more than i could have ever expected like it was so fucking good and she's like oh my god good because he's on the line bitch now what if i told you that shit sucks oh my god she's like here i'll get off so y'all can talk to each other i was like oh

and then she just like left us on the phone and i was just standing wait cc was that girl though i know i was just standing with the family phone that anybody in my house could pick up at any moment and hear my fucking conversation which we need to bring that back because that kind of like eavesdropping is top tier but then i just stood there awkwardly like i don't even know what we talked about i think he was like hey like how was the rest of your day and i told him i got pt and he was like oh i'm so sorry and then it was kind of silent then wait so you got pt and he didn't no he didn't because he wasn't skipping class so he was fine i thought it was because of the no it wasn't because of the kiss i think it was both i think she was shaming me and being like damn girl you're missing

your education for some misogyny yeah for some bad kissing and i was like yes and then we did break up soon after that and then my next boyfriend was a good kisser and we would make out all the time in the hallways and i was one of those people you're so nasty i was one of those people who literally like in the middle of classes would be i literally can't look at you the same. With my seventh grade boyfriend in the middle of the hallway. And then years, years, years. Oh, my God. You've always loved love. Yeah. No, I just, I have a problem and I really need attention.

Yeah, yeah. My first kiss was at the Justin Bieber documentary in the movie theater. I thought you were going to say concert. I was like, whoa, you got to go to a justin bieber concert no no no but i told everyone i was selling fake tickets to it to a justin bieber concert annoying yeah okay well what happened it's like how did you land your smooch at the justin bieber documentary i literally turned and was like and we kissed and that was it and then we sat like this the rest of the movie i'm not joking it was so awkward and that's one of those things that no for real that's one of those things to

this day that i'm still like humiliated by it was just that moment i don't know why it was so scary to me there's like a couple moments that happened like in high school that I'm just like, oh, my fucking God. Like, why did I do that? And then one of them, like I called you about like freaking the fuck out. Oh, yeah. Which was like literally the one of the craziest. That is like actually insane. Yeah. It's not even embarrassing.

It's just like it is. But it's also like just mean. Yeah. It's more so just like mean spirited and wrong. Yeah. Guys, I was. Hate crimed. like it is but it's also like just mean yeah it's more so just like mean-spirited and wrong yeah um guys i was hate-crimed i watched your face like i wish i was joking yeah it's not funny i'm sorry no no no it's it's funny i can only laugh yeah that's no one tells me anything for actually i think i am good with sympathy but for the most part if it's crazy i have to laugh first and then i'm like i'm actually sorry that's really fucked up and i'll go into my empathy but life is too crazy that shit is like

actually literally it's actually so funny and like insane like the circumstances of it all and just like really fucking weird also just so ass backwards like you doing the right thing turning into that is so i think that's what makes it comical is you were being like i'm i'm one of the nice guys no literally i was like no we can't be doing this we can't be doing this um and then it bit you in the ass and that goes to show that's why you should be evil i know that's why men are evil yeah it's women's fault usually i feel yes yes also i'm a little sick because we went to see janna jackson i got my way we went to see it was best night of my life but these women gave me a full glass of wine and because i have issues and if something's in my

hand i can't not have it um on the way out i was feeling pretty fine but then i chugged it on the way out because i'm fucking crazy and by the time we got down the hill i felt so drunk and i was like oh now i'm drunk and i was asking random people for cigarettes um and after screaming to janet all night and smoking i fucked my throat up and it's not the first time i fucked it up but ew whoa um well this is one of the only notes i have taken if god ends up being real and i go to hell i'm literally going to freak the fuck out like at the and i literally am like going to hell like no i'm a good person so that's why i'm saying like i'm a good person and i'm a spiritual person i like believe in something like

he's just not giving me enough fuck or it is not giving me enough fucking proof to like know if it's real or not like but also it's like the whole idea of like okay and god bless anybody who like is an overachiever in their faith like this isn't to discredit it but it's kind of like the idea of the overachievers in high school like i'm sorry to use you as a fucking yeah like example but this motherfucker got straight a's really thought he was gonna be a doctor look at where he's at he's sitting here talking about his gaping hole and farting like smoking a rotten puff bar yeah like you just you and that's how i feel about practicing your faith in real life and the about the ends people will go to prove that they are good enough and worthy enough to be accepted into this place

i'm like girl there's so much actual evil shit you could be doing trust and believe you can kiss somebody before you get married and you will get it no for real also like also since you're so close with him text him when you get there no it's really crazy and like just so I love this saying there's no hate like Christian love or something like that. Like, have you heard that? There's no no. It's just so real. No, but genuinely, I'm like, there's such a hateful persons like I don't want to align with that. I do have like faith in something.

I don't know what the fuck it is. But like organized religion, one is a big fucking scam and a finesse and really fucking scary and like i've seen what it does to people and how it just like rips apart their families and i've seen it like destroy people's psyches and they were great great genuinely kind people and then like i've seen them just go down this rabbit hole of conspiracy like anti-gay like just all this really really gnarly bad shit that just like is so fucking heartbreaking to witness and it's all for what like a bible that isn't fucking true that was written probably it that that's the other crazy fucking part about the bible is it has been

translated a billion fucking times and like literally go on google translate and translate like i like suck an ass to spanish and then fucking put it back into english like it doesn't work it's not real also if the thing you believe so heavily in has such a costly effect of negativity towards so many people i just don't understand how that doesn't make you step back from it and reconsider the values of this thing you believe in. And obviously I understand. Yeah, I understand that like people need something. Everyone needs something. I'm so sure that if I didn't have like the love and affection I have from you guys and my family and my love life and like the successes I've had, I would have to turn to something.

And that might be religion. It might be something like more negative, whatever. And there are more negative things to turn to something and that might be religion it might be something like more negative whatever and there are more negative things to turn to but when your religion literally starts making it that you're on your iPhone screaming into your iPhone chop please save me with a rainbow on it something something is really something is really wrong got lost in translation like actually for real but i don't know i like deconstructed my faith like when i was like 15 14 or 15 and it was like literally one of the scariest hardest moments of my life um and now i am existing as my own God. Oh.

Kind of. Not in like a delusional. Yeah, not in like a delusional like I am God. Scary way, but like in a way where I'm like, oh, I'm like stardust. And I'm like 99.9% empty space. And like none of this really actually exists once you're dead. So like live it up, babe. Live it up babes live it up yeah i just i also think i got lucky that i didn't grow up in a super religious household

like my parents are definitely religious my parents believe in god but they've never pushed or implied any of the rules and kind of gnarly ideology that came along with it i was never told like god is watching or like same you'll repent came along with it i was never told like god is watching or like same you'll repent or like whatever like i was never told i would like pay for my sins like i was just taught basic moral ground rulings that parents teach their kids like don't lie don't do this don't do that but it was never followed like and if you do do that you're gonna burn in eternity for all of your life so enjoy your fun while you have it i guess exactly my family oh crazy my family was like the exact same way where they were just like you can do whatever the fuck you want which is the sickest way to raise your children like if

they want to go to church support it if they don't want to support it it was so sick and they raised me so well look at me i'm talking about my gaping butthole on a podcast right now. I mean, you can ask for better. I was raised perfectly. No, but genuinely. And then like, fuck, what was I going to say? What were you just talking about? Oh, like the reason why I was like indoctrinated into this shit was because I grew up in the fucking Bible Belt

in South fucking Texas, like whatever. Yeah, it's like bound to happen when that's the community around it my harsh reality was finding out geographically texas is not really the south but i mean it is like hello like i'll write that shit i feel like culturally it is so now what um but yeah religion is really intense and if you are religious this is not to bash you no do not take it like that please because i do save me i'm not joking like save me i will say i've always felt this like i genuinely wish i had a connection to it because i feel like it would calm a lot of the anxieties i have but instead i got a therapist who actually texted me the other day whoa i have to text her back but it's crazy like i don't know

like we were making jokes like she needs that fucking check she's missing a patient but i actually do have like such a good relationship with her and it is crazy because i was just two nights before going on an emotional sobbing tangent about how i need to finally see a psychiatrist and something's wrong with me and i'm never going to be normal because i'm 24 like inching towards 25 and i still feel the same way i did when i was 14 but so scary it doesn't change just wait till you turn 25 and you realize that oh you think i'm making it to 25 i'll make you make it to 25 i'm so sorry i'm gonna get up for one second to get water no i need i need water too women don't get wet what women don't get wet you've never made a woman wet that's all a myth um okay i wanted to play

f mary kill oh because but i don't know with who um i just have f mary kill written down okay i'm gonna give the three people okay tati, Shane Dawson, or Jeffree Star. Oh, wow. Wasn't that a good one? I do. I'm going to get mine because I already know. Yeah. I'm marrying Tati.

I'm fucking Jeffree. I'm killing Shane Dawson. I might switch Jeffree and Shane shane whoa that's crazy i guess like neither are like the most viable okay jeffrey stars on tiktok doing tiktok it's life battle so crazy something crazy has shifted in the universe funneling funneling money from his fans into his bank account. As if he needs it. It's so crazy. I hope that money is being donated or like,

I don't know what the fuck that money goes to because when we get tipped, we don't get the money. So I'm like, is TikTok just getting out? I don't know. The whole tipping culture on TikTok live in general is really, really crazy. With that said, me and Enyel are are gonna be battling on tiktok please donate to me 10 a.m pst please donate to me um okay f married kill orion

josh josiah whoa okay all right well i'm marrying orion dude this is gross yeah this is This is, like, so gross. But I'm having sex with Josh and I'm killing Josiah. Wow. Mine is the exact same. Yeah, because I literally, like... I think Lucas killed me. Like, I can't imagine Josiah...

Like, Josiah, you genuinely don't have genitals and I don't want to know if you do. Babe, I have genitals. I don't want to know if you do babe I have genitals let me tell you about it um also before this episode ends because we literally have to run like we have to leave right now let's do a love compatibility test between us wait is that the thing that's like when like you would put justin bieber's name in yeah exactly oh wow so i'm gonna do the love calculator oh wait love combility names test Names test. Names test.

What is it? Okay. It has to be more than that. Yeah, that's not chill. Hold on. I'm taking out the last name. Okay. Okay.

86%. What's the science there? Oh, wow. Wow. Right below that, when I'm talking about my babe over here i get an am i gay quiz this is crazy you should take that we'll do that for another episode yeah we'll do that for patreon we'll do the uh the gay there's like the gay quiz and then the like morality scale yeah and also like there's another one oh my god what's wrong with you you know what i will say drew is you're looking very masculine like something in my primal body is like like i'm like hey is that the same for you

i am talking to you i heard your heart flutter i heard your heart fart it's crazy because there was other like stories from high school that i wanted to tell that are like sometimes just too much oh actually i'll tell this one from middle school that i am very aware is a gnarly fucking story i'm very aware actually i literally can't it can't be worse than me spray painting a kid oh it is no it's not i spray painted a kid well it's worse because it's like we were literally kids so this is crazy but one time during my dating, the like popular guy who was a really good kisser who we would like make out in the hallways with. I was walking to lunch with everybody and you had to walk past the band room to get to like the lunch to the cafeteria. And this kid, I'll just call him Jay, was holding the door.

Jay Cyrus and Doja Cat. Yeah, Jay Cyrus and Doja Cat were at the door jay cyrus and doja cat yeah jay cyrus and doja cat were at the door and jay was like and yeah come here open this door and i was like what's behind the door and he was like nah you're a pussy you don't want to open the door i was like what's behind the fucking door i'm not a fucking pussy and he was like open the door like i dare you to open the door have i said it on the podcast okay just finish it though um i opened the door and there were two kids engaging who i knew engaging in sexual acts behind the door and everybody had ran up behind me to see it and i felt so bad because i was friends with the girl and the guy but i was really close friends but i was friends with the girl and i felt so bad and she knew how to fight so i was like fuck i'm gonna get my

ass beat it's all the tiktoks and the snapchats yeah it's all the like doodads and the devices yeah uh but yeah and then oh my god kick and keek yeah i was up to no good i was up to no good talking to bella thorne i'm up to no good on kick but yeah and then after she was like I apologized to her cause I felt like I had exposed her and she was just she was really nice about it expose him

is that a thing people say alright well that concludes this episode let's give a couple medias and move on. Okay, Flash Cannon Casanova by Yabujin. Nightwalker Sick Boy Rari. OUDA by Hamid Al-Sharie, I think.

Really pretty song. And then I'm going to watch the new Blackberry movie. Oh, yeah, we need to do that. Very soon. Because I'm excited AF about it. Well, my media of the week is Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt. I'm the sky, Norma Tanega. Don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid of the way that you feel don't be afraid and then muskrat love muskrat candlelight by willis allen ramsey that song makes me feel so nice so so so so then, yeah, that's it for media. Let's fucking go. Thank you guys so much for watching. Sorry for the short episode. We've been stacking episodes. Because we're gone for a month and a half.

Also, buy our merch.