Emergency Intercom - Enya Had A Cream Dream About Drew

Episode Date: July 29, 2022

Drew calls upon the last straight men in LA while Enya agree's with him that Joe Biden is a sack of wheat and mealworms. BETTER HELP: Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/intercom Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. okay audio's rolling what if i start talking like that audio's rolling you said that and then you like pressed in your earbuds and i know the wax

fucking smushed and like stuck for a second then popped back out no i have clean ears welcome to this episode of emergency intercom josie is blocking my good light but that's okay because it doesn't matter because i look good regardless you literally are you have a gun in your hand he literally has a gun in his hand and it's like actually oh you're lucky that was that easy for you okay well this episode i have something to admit right off the bat. Okay, what is it?

The one thing about me that's not hygienic, as hygienic as a person as I am. One of you freaks I know has noticed that I don't have all my earrings in my ear. Because you're a freak and you probably look at my ears and you want to literally stick your finger in my pores. I do have an ear kink. But I don't take out my earrings nearly enough and wash them so my ear lobes do be smelling like pussy cobbler for a box you know i did see the earrings in one of my shot glasses in the kitchen or in the bathroom no i put it in a shot glass it was in the plastic yeah and i saw like the water had gotten cloudy from it being because i put

like alcohol that's funny that you had a hygiene note because somewhere in here i think i have a Yeah, and I saw, like, the water had gotten cloudy from it being clean. Because I put, like, alcohol in it. It's funny that you had a hygiene note, because somewhere in here, I think I have a hygiene note, too. That's the one thing about me. Okay, y'all need to stop interacting, because we're literally trying to, like, do our service to the people. And obviously, you don't find that, like, a respectable thing, and you think it's funny to interrupt us. When this, I'm saving lives right now. What are you doing? You're fiddling your fucking thumbs

and playing with your balls there's a lot of people we're gonna get oh you can't put that in frame motherfucker you have to blur that let me die now thanks Josiah

thank you so much yeah literally thanks for adding to our friend's workload holy shit now you gotta give him a different kind of load to ease the tension

also I literally just woke up I'm like rebooting I ate KFC hot chicken, Nashville hot chicken. And it actually like it didn't make me feel like shit, but it gave me narcolepsy. And I had to literally just go and fall asleep. Literally when I saw you eating, I was like, you know, you're not supposed to be doing that. I know.

I know. You literally can't have a meal before we work. It's like unreal. But I had to today because we started late because I had a workout session that I slept in for. You look beautiful today, by the way. Really? What about me?

Come on. Me next. Me next. You look gorgeous too. You guys both look super sexy. Okay. It was slow, but I'll take it. Yeah.

You look gorgeous too. But I mean, in those pictures that Zamar took for Mason's brand, I looked really good too. You did look sexy in them. I was like, damn. I hate my fucking broken hair at the top though. I hate it so much. You just got to get a little. It's because of the caps too.

So you just got to get a haircut and stop wearing your hats because it's the hats making the breakage. I think what it also is, is when I wash my hair, it's violent. Or when I dry my hair, it's like violent. Like I'm concussing myself. Like I'm like. You got to get a. There's a microfiber towel specifically also for curly hair um and i used to use one but i like refused to let my hair dry i blow dry my hair now i tried to do it today because i was looking at your hair yesterday in the car and i was like you know what i should let

you were inspired by my hair yeah and i was like i should let my curly hair live and then like i saw like especially? Yeah, and I was like, I should let my curly hair live. And then, like, I saw, like, especially because these, since these are so short, they were, like, doing the thing where they curl up a lot. And I was like, Yeah. It was giving every girl that saw those photos of me were like, damn, like, he has, like, really luscious hair. And I want to pull it off his fucking head and beat him into the ground. I want to steal his hair.

Y'all need to stop playing because it's pissing me off. I didn't know if you knew about that. He seemed really desperate. He kept looking at me. He's like, I have to act. Kai can't get their attention. That's crazy. Yeah, because we don't pay attention to Kai.

And now you're making us do it. And it's like a lot. But you were talking about hygiene. And I did write something down. I wrote a thought down that i had and i was like okay of all the things that i choose not to spend money on like i am very a very frugal person i do not spend my money i literally hoard my wealth um one thing that i've spent or two things that I spend money on is stuff that smells good. So like diffusers, candles, and also really expensive hygiene products. Like shit that like I literally don't need to be buying because it's way out of my budget.

Literally that Kanye tweet that's like I spend $3,000 on candles a month or $300,000 on candles a month. Can someone please like teach me how to budget better literally I do that with like shampoo conditioner toothbrush toothpaste mouthwash like all those hygiene products and yes I do wash my body and I wash my hair and I brush my do you wash your hair a lot I was thinking that today at the gym. No? I wash my hair after the gym. But I don't wash it all the time. I washed my hair at the gym. And I was like, how does Drew use this shampoo and conditioner? Because it was probably some of the worst hair products I've used in a long time.

I just use a shampoo. I don't use a conditioner. I used a conditioner twice. And I was like, dude, this shit is weird. It's like really bad. It's not good. It's like super liquidy. And I also thought about it.

And I was like, if I was a demon, I put nair or lsd or come inside of the public um shampoo conditioner and body washes and ruin people's lives but i'm not a freak but i did have that thought i was like there is a freak that has thought about doing that before and probably has oh yeah i'm sure there's somebody who has a kink for like the idea of that and like has done it which you're going to hell and you're going to burn for all of eternity and there's no coming back from that yeah but like let's be clear my my ears like don't smell in the way that if you like get up in my neck there's an odor there's an odor radiating sucking on my neck you're not gonna smell the fart box juices but when i like touch my ears when i have all my earrings in and i give it a whiff it do be smelling like undertow oh um and that's my admission not the not the main hole

just my tiny holes oh but i mean when i'm around you in your presence sometimes i do get a whiff of like this metallic that actually might be your stinky fucking hair like getting in your face. My unwashed hair. No, dude. Oh, my God. We ate that ice cream from McDonald's last night. And I was so exhausted. And I was like, dude, I need to go to bed. I need to go to bed. So I just brushed my teeth and that was it.

And when I was laying in bed, I was like just getting this smell. And I was like, what is that smell? And I had ice cream in my mustache. And you know what I did? I didn't wake up and go and wash my mustache. I just went to bed. No, that kind of stuff freaks me out. Last night, I really had to pee, but I fell asleep holding a Zool very cutely, and I didn't

want to get up. But then I fell asleep for like 10 minutes, and I woke up because I was like, I'm going to piss everywhere. That's why I need diapers. I just want to start sleeping in diapers so I could piss myself. Yeah. For the first time in my entire life, my entire life i had to wake up two times to go pee in the middle of the night and it wasn't last night it was the night before the barbecue

um and i have literally no idea why that happened because i normally just wake up in the morning and just like literally like like piss the most piss i've ever evacuated from my body i sound like a little fire girl you've heard my morning piss. Like, that shit is loud and thick. Like, girthy piss. My morning piss is viscous. It's like a lemonade syrup. Yeah. It's like caramel.

But, fuck, what was I going to say? Oh, when I sleep with other people, I feel like I'm more prone to waking up in the middle of the night and going pee. And when I sleep alone, I never wake up to go to bed. It's that anxiety about pissing yourself with other people in your bed. But I think I've said before I have pissed myself a little bit when I was in bed next to someone before. Oh, yeah.

Like, I, like, literally. And it wasn't even a laugh or anything. I just woke up in the middle of the night and I was like, oh, my God, I literally pissed myself a little bit. Wait, isn't that hilarious how, like, there's these little embarrassing things that, like, every human does that, like, all of us like to ignore that we act like we all don't do them, but we all do them in private. Like, everybody has pissed their pants, like, or pissed the bed, like, but no one talks about it. And there's, like, these little things that, like, people, everyone does, but no one talks about. And there's another one that popped in my head the other day that I was like oh like everyone does that but we all don't talk i am saying this with the utmost privilege because i genuinely do think it's like a blessing in my life but so many times i have micro pissed myself from laughing so hard but like i always like say i'm like dude i'm literally like pissing myself i

need to get up and go like when i'm at a table with my friends john mulaney had a really i think i've literally said exactly this but i was listening to a podcast he was if you don't stop i'm gonna smack the fuck out of you calling all the last straight men in 2022 should i do it should i do it too because like i don't know if a gay person doing it like if they'll like oh okay now we have to take a break this is gonna be like a 30-minute thing. I mean, like, don't put yourself in a position to, like, have the truth told to you. Literally, look at your shirt.

Like, how are you going to do that with that shirt on? Your head is kind of cut out. I know, the entire episode. But you just don't take me into account. Well, but you were fucking sleeping. I was passed away. And you know what's crazy? Is I sleep fully clothed now like I'm I'm back on my

bullshit I like go to bed like in a full outfit and then I rise and I'm good and I sleep with the lights on I will fall asleep with the lights I hate it drives me crazy because then I'll go into turn it off and he's like no I'm like why don't you let me turn them off you fucking freak um I am on the opposite tip I stopped sleeping naked because one time my friend sent me the earthquake is gonna come oh i don't give a fuck bitch if the earth is shattering like i don't give a fuck that i'm naked bitch like who's who's gonna look at me no no because like if if the earthquake comes and you're fully naked and you have to like run outside and you're like ass naked and you have to like cover up like or like the house collapses on top of you and like they're

digging through the rubble and you're already embarrassed to be inside the rubble no but then they find you in your ass naked they're gonna be like oh my god this girl is so hot so i'll give like the workers a little boner oh which is sweet like give them something i'm like they need that the rescue team needs a little alleviation from like the terror that is the apocalypse to my tits so they could get a little pudge going what um but what the fuck was i saying motherfucker earthquake oh i stopped sleeping naked because um someone sent me a tiktok that was like oh when you fart in your sleep when you're naked you just be living little poop particles in your fucking sheets and then you cover your fucking bed in poop particles and then

it was like a joke but i took it really serious because you know like me i'm a freak and i'm like oh my god i know that's real i can't get my clean bed dirty but i'll be fucking on my bed like what like poop particles like bitch there's sweat and squirt all over that thing like unless i wash it like it's whatever it's about to get dirty yeah um we had that conversation the other day like i'm okay with people having sex in my bed because Because, like, a little sex... Oh, yeah. We were talking about would you rather someone, like, pee in your bed?

No, it wasn't pee. Yeah, it was pee in your bed or have sex in your bed. And I was like, have sex in my bed. Yeah, I'd rather you get a little cum on my sheets than piss in my mattress. Yeah, like, it stays there forever. Because if you cum on my sheets, like, I can wash it. If you squirt on my sheets, it's like, unless you, like, got the fucking tank full. And it also smells fucking good and like you

get to just leave it in there and lay in it and it gets a little crispy so when i'm falling asleep and i like can't fall asleep i can start like picking at it with my nails oh yeah so i have something to play with yeah like peeling it off like elmer's glue like off your skin yeah yeah you do that to your bed sheets but i'm back to sleeping naked because then i saw another tiktok that i was a gynecologist talking about how important it is to let your fucking cootie Rama breathe. And I was like, dude, yeah, that's literally why I used to sleep naked all the time is because my cootie needs to breathe. So I'm back on that tip.

And then I used to like, I go on and off because someone tells me something that gives me like intense anxiety. And then I can't not think about it because I used to originally sleep naked. But then my mom was like, what if someone breaks in or like a fire happens you have to run out of the house and you're naked but now i'm at the point where i'm like bitch i'll throw on my skims road robe and i'll like keep it pushing like what like i like zoned out because i was looking at you and i was like oh i'm doing really good with eye contact right now and then i thought about my fucking personal trainer literally yesterday was

like you're really fucking bad at looking me in your eye in the eyes but your friend is really good at it and i was like oh my fucking god that's so humiliating he was like it just feels like like i like study like body language and like when people don't look me in the eyes it means that like you don't respect like the person that's talking to you and i was like i swear to god it's not that i just like suck at eye contact i don't think he's person that's talking to you and i was like i swear to god it's not that i just like suck at eye contact i don't think he's interpreting i can't make eye contact with people i really want to have sex with that's why you have trouble looking at me that is not the case that's the only way i know i can have sex with someone is if i can make intense eye contact

with no if it's somebody i'm attracted to that like makes me nervous so i don't look at them but i i don't think that i'm like that good at eye contact but maybe i am i think i am like kind of really good at it because we were speaking to someone new at um at that barbecue and i was like staring her in the eyes while i was talking to her and i had to like tell myself to not stare so deeply in her eyes but sometimes like my eye contact isn't true eye contact. It's literally me disassociating and like looking through you. But my eyes just so happen to be landing on your face. I feel like you're really good at making, like I noticed pretty soon into knowing you

that you're very good at making everyone in the room feel like you're talking to them, which not many people do, honestly. It's usually like people will talk what about me i don't think we've ever made eye contact i think it's literally because i'm insecure about the idea of somebody feeling left out like i yeah i hate when i'm in a conversation with people and like the quiet person feels left out because i don't know that makes me really sad it's like i don't like just a nice girl it's like i couldn't you know in high school when there were those fucking freak ass motherfuckers who like wouldn't eat but would sit with you while you and your friends are eating and like you would offer them something to

eat and they're like no i'm like actually not hungry i'm like bitch well shit damn damn damn no you're really good at it i feel like nobody does that honestly especially in la i feel like people will zone in on like one person or two people max but it's very rare to have someone like include everyone proactively in a conversation yeah y'all heard it here y'all heard it here first i mean look you have 200 000 people on the hook i'm literally like my diva cup is like pressing up against my colon right now does it kind of feel good no it like hurts do you need me to get in there yeah i need you to get in there okay well i was thinking joe biden scares me the same way michael jackson scares me dude does

that make sense joe biden i'm not kidding is like not real like and then like that's that's my tidbit like i'm not has anyone ever actually seen joe biden in person olivia rodrigo we gotta talk to her that was not real that was a psychological operation i don't think anybody watching this has seen joe biden in person there's no way yeah well yeah because you bitches are seeing the president he's like an alive madam tussauds yes he's full of salt dust and mealworms we need to talk about it they turned those bitches out quick now how they got bad bunny billy eilish and anita all in the same month it used to take them like eight years to make those things john travolta

got his after 25 years yeah now they turn them out like fucking like pancakes like they have turned into his 3d printer or something literally you you saw that yeah yeah like john travolta turned into his wax figure. They're probably like 3D printed or something. Literally. You saw that. Yeah. Yeah. Like John Travolta is his wax figure. I make them so fast now. Oh, also, I need to get a grip because like I am literally so embarrassed. I find everything so fucking embarrassing.

Like Sky For Era was not joking when she said everything is embarrassing. Like, no, that is so embarrassing. Everything is embarrassing like no that is so embarrassing everything is embarrassing like i don't so hard to explain that to my personal trainer after he called me a freak for not making eye contact i was like no like you don't understand like working out is humiliating i can't do it no that's what i was trying to say to the trainer i was working with that one time i was like this is embarrassing i'm like it is so humiliating that humans have gotten to the point that we are replicating labor so that we can like be in shape because we don't have to like like we should be rolling rocks yeah we should be like picking up bricks and stacking them and like carrying 300

but no now i'm in the gym like with a three pound weight like huffing and puffing because i'm on my back and i'm like oh oh like that is so embarrassing well your only job as a woman is to carry your child yeah true and then i like pushed myself too hard at the gym because i'm like trying to prove a point and it's like who's watching now i'm embarrassing myself because i'm trying so hard literally like that trainer put like a 40 pound like weight on my hips and i was sitting there doing weight thrusts with like it was like the bar was 40 and each thing was five so i was doing it with like a 50 pound thing and like it was literally excruciating and i still went through and did it because i was too embarrassed to say like stop and i hurt my that workout in particular is extremely yeah you're humping the air i know

that when i was doing pilates today it was like pulsing like my hips up and i'm like i'm literally fucking someone right now. Like I'm literally like I am practicing my stamina so I can like thrust into Drew later. It's easy. Yeah, it's easy. But yeah, that there's like a machine that replicates that movement where there's a belt around you. And like the third, the third one I did that I had to do that. You are too embarrassed. Ow!

You were too embarrassed the first time. You're like kidding. I'll go like this. And then you go. And he'll go so like. He'll get so. No, no. He does it like so.

Oh, and he like throws his eyebrows. It's so nasty. You want to come bounce on this lap, girl. He wants to be in this episode so bad. You're not getting it. You're not getting an episode again. Come here, baby. No, they'll never see my face. Come to daddy, this episode so bad. You're not getting it. You're not getting an episode again. Come here, baby. No, they'll never see my face.

Come to daddy, baby. Come on. Come on, baby. Wait, can you hear the farts? Hey. Hey, you. Oh, my God. Oh.

Oh, my God. Actually, let me do it once. Let me do it once. Yeah, you're really good at it. Oh. Oh, my God. No, it's low. Why do you always have to do it? Oh, my God. Why do you always do this? it. Oh! Oh, my God! No, it's lower. Why do you always have to do...

Oh, my God! Why do you always do this? Oh! It, like, helps. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Wait, it's all in O. Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh my God. If you touch me again. I'm going to figure that butt, girl.

I had to stop talking like that because at the gym, Drew got on the Stairmaster and his ass was right to my face. And out loud I go, I'm going to figure that butt. And there was like this 68- 68 year old man sweating his ass off on a soul cycle bicycle that looked over and broke neck what are you doing i was trying to get photos of oh my god no when i was looking over at you drew when you were working out that day i like wanted to like i was like trying to take pictures and stuff but your trainer was there and we had you and i was like he's gonna think i'm weird dude the guy i've had a session with i still haven't made eye contact with and i want so badly to just break the tension

uh the gym gives you a fucking free like training session with a trainer and i did it and i just like did it because i got a free session but i don't want a trainer like i just want to do classes in my little workout and like have fun and be a girl um but i just basically ghosted my trainer and now it's like this insanely awkward thing of like not making eye contact with this human and i want so badly to just be like hey by the way just to make it clear like i just didn't want to do i i don't want it's also uncomfortable for me because he knows we're like friends and so i still haven't made eye contact i know even when i was talking to your personal trainer because they know each other i was like oh this is awkward. He asked me every fucking time.

Really? Every time. He's like, does Anya like want to work with him? Who is her trainer? Like all this shit. And I'm like, no, she doesn't want a trainer. It's okay. I don't want to twerk it out with anybody.

I want to twerk it out with myself. Ew. Does that make you laugh? No, Josiah is like sticking the gun in his ass. Josie needs attention like so bad that it's like irrational. Like get a grip and get a therapist, Chad. It's like we're working right now. Josiah says that he has a therapist.

This is something I wrote when I was... I wrote this at 2.52 a.m. I think I was driving. I don't know where I was driving at 2.52 a.m. I think I was driving. I don't know where I was driving at 2.52 a.m. Sleep driving. What? But it actually pisses me off because it is so accessible to make things now

that anybody can make a song. This was like voice to text. I don't think it picked me up. It actually pisses me off. But then I get to thinking and I'm like, damn, I'm so full of myself because I think I know what good music is and what's not. And then I come back to reality and i realize that's the truth and half

the bitches on the radio shouldn't be there because i listen to the radio and it scares me um wow oh i'll play the song that i heard on the radio it was actually fucking crazy this is the song that made me have such a visceral it was the crazy it's the craziest song i've ever heard in my life legitimately i feel like an ai made that no dude that's what it feels like it literally feels like now like it's just like everybody who i hear on the radio. What was also freaking me out was that was number 27 on the top 30 voted in by listeners to that station. And 29 was massive by Drake. And I'm like, you mean to tell me that in the city of Los Angeles, people voted that song up more than a Drake song. And that was freaking me out. Whenever I see that, though, I'm like, who's listening to the radio at this point?

Whoever's voting for like radio stuff probably has way more weight than they did in like the 90s. Right. It's like for every one person that votes, 200,000 voted literally in the 90s. And now it's like 58 people vote. There's like, I don't know. It just scares me because i'm like dude because there is so much music and like i will like look up these people and they have like 600k monthly listeners and i'm like who are these people but then i get to think of them like

there's so many people and it's like the classic conversation that we were having one time it's like about clothing consumption and style where i'm like i find this one specific kind of style of clothing or like fashion or like music or movie unbearable and obnoxious but really i am the lesser because that is like what is like mainly consumed by the general public and in reality i'm the freak and i'm full of myself and i'm crazy and this thing to most humans sounds good but then that freaks me out too because why did humans decide to like start banging on stuff and like making noise it's so animalistic because vibrations control everything everything vibrations do be

controlling me yes vibration controller by drake one of my wing bots died so i've been using the one i don't like that much because i'm too like like, I just, like, in the daytime, I don't think to go charge it. And then I pick it up and it does the really sad, like, one, like, and then it, like, dies. My toothbrush does that. I fingered myself with my toothbrush. Oh. I'm going to put your toothbrush in your butt. I've been working on a Merge Senior Comm Merge.

I just wanted to tell you guys before it's out. Wait, you're making merch? We already did merch yeah i'm making like another item what the fuck if you are interested is it a vibrator no it's a flashlight for like drew's mouth oh of my mouth yeah how did you get the fucking mold yeah what i like did this thing where i like scanned your face while you were sleeping and did a 3d what the fuck that's actually impressive you know okay thank you i thought you guys and you should go and kill yourself and you should go and kill yourself now can i get a pint of jose

cuervo and you should go and kill yourself now can i get a pint of jose cuervo was she talking to a worker when she was saying that the jose cuervo yeah yeah where was that like a ralph's i'm probably like a liquor store also the way you sent me that and like i didn't watch it and then some someone on my timeline was like this is drew phillips in her dialogue and then i went to the video i was like this is literally the video you sent me earlier yeah um and with that being said here is a word from our sponsor sponsor yes did we have two sponsors this episode i don't know we just do it just in case there is big talk about no holy fucking shit this is actually crazy what there's this new

disease going around called the coronavirus that is it's spread through actually i was thinking about that the other day breathing i was thinking about that the other day remember when we first found out about it and you me and josh sat in this kitchen because uh josh's parents work in the medical field so we like got like there were like rumors that the world was going to shut down and we were going to be under martial law and it wasn't like a like a outspoken thing yet so we like got like there were like rumors that the world was going to shut down and we were going to be under martial law and it wasn't like a like a outspoken thing yet so we were like there's no way it was like medical industry people yeah so we were like what like that sounds crazy and then we were like dude that's so annoying two weeks like where we have to sit still that's so fucking annoying like and i was just thinking about that damn like everybody had that reaction where they

were like what two weeks like that's like. And it was literally lit in the beginning. It was like, fuck, like I'm going to learn how to play chess and paint. I know. I'm going to go on bike rides and like talk to my therapist more often. And then the world erupted. Now it's like almost back to normal. I think I feel like it's like back to normal for the most part. But now we're on.

This is the new one. Now we're on the cusp of something else. And now I'm like, oh my God, is this it? Am I just going to spend the rest of my life being absolutely freaked out and anxiety driven? Well, I can get the vaccine. Wait, but I thought you were straight. I work in the sex industry as a videographer on sex sets. Oh.

You don't partake though you're like straight yeah okay i believe you i guess i had a dream where you died and i saved it i was gonna record it yesterday but i was do you forget it no i wrote it all down okay let's hear it okay um and it was one of those moments where like i woke up and i almost started crying. It was really like my voice was shaking when I was doing the voice. I was so fucking sad. But we were at a concert. A bunch of shit happened previous, but it's like not relevant to the dream because it was literally just like weird dream shit. And we were at this concert that like had like an airplane strip attached to

the venue it's like giving like red rocks but there were like two levels so there was like a lower level and then a mezzanine level that was really really high up and he was like we can't go down there like it's like dangerous and shit so he was like i just bought out the whole mezzanine so we were sitting in the mezzanine and i I forget what song came on. It was like rhinestone eyes or like plastic beach or something came on and you were like, let's go to the front of the mezzanine. And like we all like ran to the very front bar and it's a 150 foot drop. And we were like turning up and having literally the most fun ever. Like I remember thinking like in the dream, I was like, this is like the most fun I've ever had. And I like physically I like felt euphoric from like jumping around in this music at this Gorillaz concert.

And next thing you know, I like look over and you're like like partying and you trip and fall over the barricade at the concert and fall 150 feet and you're screaming the entire way down and I like watch you and I watch you hit the ground and I fucking screech and everybody's like trying to be like it's gonna be okay it's gonna be okay and I'm like freaking the fuck out I'm like it's not gonna be fucking okay and then I woke up and like it was like legitimately the gnarliest thing I've ever witnessed. And you know what it is? Is I think it's literally when I saw that person fall over the barricade at the Rangers game, the Texas Rangers game. It literally looked exactly like that. Like it was identical to me like watching that dad fall.

It was fucking crazy. Gnarly boots. Bloody. Gross. Gnarly boots. Well, the good news is that would happen because it would be so fucking embarrassing because like i was probably drunk in the dream and like the idea of me like falling drunk to my death is like i wouldn't do that yeah so that's the good news

just know that i dream about you dying too that's good that's good i had a sex dream with you and it was awful did you really last night yeah you did why would you keep that from me oh because i just thought about it when you said it because then i woke up it was really weird and i like you literally are so obsessive that you dream about me sexually no it was like alien like and really nasty like it was really like in the dream that's how it is in real life yeah in the dream we like had to have sex for some reason like it was like this thing of like we like had to do it and both of us really didn't want to and like we were trying so hard to initiate it with each other and it was like just so like dude we were like dude this is literally like an awful task at hand like we were like this is just so like i feel like we could figure this is so too much like it was like what the fuck

okay the big one is literally coming. Wait, tell me why we're due for another earthquake. Stop, because I've been thinking about it because of the world falling apart and everything and climate change. I'm like, oh my god, it's going to happen. But hopefully it happens when we're not here. And also Azul will survive and it'll be fine. And the next month it'll happen. It'll happen.

The big one's coming in the next month. Drew, just saying that kind of stuff so that y'all can clip this and be like oh my god that's like wait i said someone was gonna pass away at that barbecue and i was like and then when it happens oh you guys mentioned monkey pox in the flea episode apparently no we did we really apparently no we did not i saw i saw a comment that was like not true predicting monkey pox or something something like wow i literally think i remember that wow it's crazy how that's not a good thing that's happening no it's not a good thing but it's a good thing for me because i can predict the future i lied i'm just kidding i'm gonna fucking hit you i'm gonna fucking hit you

please don't hit me you You embarrassed him. Oh! Stop! No, Drew, stop! One more, one more. Stop! No, actually! Sit down. Wait.

Please don't tell anybody that happened. Okay. We'll give you 11%. Because if you care about us, you won't tell anybody. I care about you. No, thank you. I'll cut all that out, too. No, anybody i care about you no thank you i'll cut i'll cut all that out to now leave it in you want to leave that in leave it in okay what about our sex dream you should talk about that i don't remember what that didn't happen we just actually

okay drew i wasn't joking somebody actually did say that about the comments i know because i really did talk about it and i remember talking about it i already did it oh yeah why are you guys doing that calling the last straight men is that like a tick tock yeah it's like a dude that did it being serious ow those fucking claps hurt so bad like look did you have little fragile baby hands okay we're back i have to we're back okay so i have to talk about um the barbecue and an interaction with someone that i had there um i think it's it's important to the story to know who it was that i was talking to um but i also don't want

to say their name but i'm also like i i literally don't give a shit um but okay so i was talking to troy savann okay name dropping yeah literally i was i was talking to troy savann because we're like best friends literally the most gorgeous man i've ever seen in my entire life but i was talking yes i was talking to troy savann i talked to like famous musicians and artists all the time like my life is fucking crazy like it was very but it's it's important to the story because um literally all i talked to talk to him about was i'm not joking like constipation allergic reactions like um like like skin diseases and like eczema and it was like the worst conversation i've ever had with any human being on planet earth and like eczema and it was like the worst conversation i've ever had with any human being on planet earth and like literally i just like after i got home and like laid in bed and thought about

that night i was like damn that was fun and then i thought about like our conversation and i literally physically like repulsed i was like dude like why would i ever talk to anybody better as he thought uh jerome and josiah was dating was like how long have you are you guys seeing each other yeah he's like are you guys seeing each other and me and josiah like scream oh bring back manly men like damn bitch damn damn i just literally today has just not been my day like nothing's landing none of my conversations are sticking like it's just what you're doing a good job let's put this on what the screen what is that y'all laying next to each other where's that from miami oh we'll insert this picture and you tell us if it's true or not wait what does it say they genuinely would be so cute together i don't know yeah we would i think i think we would we're both tops you guys are too okay

i know you're not a top me me when i'm just talking to talk me when i me when i'm literally a liar hey my name is kai and i'm a top are you lying for fun right now i'm okay that's what i thought you were doing damn hi my name is kyan i have sex bitch don't lie i okay you caught me i told you i'm not a good liar like i'm not a good liar um me playing this podcast in my therapy these are my two bullies who also employ me so these are my bullies i'm supposed to talk to my therapist but like i'm just too busy having fun and doing other stuff to do that but i'm like actually actively going more and more insane oh shit well

we've arrived at this point what do you think of subtitles before you said the stupid COVID thing that was crazy you like subtitles or no before feel like we're the generation as covet thing i was gonna say like a genuine thought and it's so far gone now you think i think we're the generation that brings back sub i can't watch anything with subtitles when i'm high

like my brain cannot like move that fast so i have me and lucas and and Josh have watched 15 minutes of a show. No, it was very recently. And we were all sober. And we watched like five or six minutes of a show without realizing it was speaking Spanish. And it was a Japanese show. And we were like, wait, why does this Japanese sound like Spanish right now? And we had American subtitles on. What fucking show show is that it's probably because my mom yeah it was it was uh your netflix what show was that my mom only i think i've said this also before but my mom

only speaks spanish so every time we log into my netflix show start in spanish so we watch like two minutes of it and then when they first when they first start talking we're like huh huh huh huh huh uh i um entered the spelling bee in fourth grade and you did bad oh it was bad it was so bad you entered it now at a fourth grade level i still think you we had two test rounds or we had one test round and then a serious round and my test word was salami um failed it but i was like okay i get another chance i like will pass the next round and then we did it and i was like literally the fourth person eliminated because i was the fourth person that went um and i had to spell sombrero um and i genuinely don't know if i know how to spell it today it's

s-o-m-b-r-e-r-o is that how you spell it yeah and then salami is s-a-l-a-M-I. Yeah. Okay. So I can spell it at a fourth grade level. No, but if you, if Kai like picked four words out for me to spell, random ass words, I wouldn't be able to spell them. Straight up. Any of them. Could you spell accessibility? No. No, it's just my brain.

My brain goes too fast. A-C-C-E-S-S-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y. Yeah. Again. Do it one more time. I can't. I did it too fast. You said two S's and I don't know if there's two S's in there.

A-C-C-E-S-S-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y. No. That's wrong. Fuck off. Okay. How do you spell it? A-C-C-E-S-S-I-B-L-I-T-Y. I think you said A before.

Yeah. Damn it. I really thought I got it. I know. I kind of thought you got it too, but then I was like something after the S-S. Accessibility. Accessibility. I guess it also is like a bit difficult to spell when you pronounce things

like differently than the way they were written in 1961 when did the word accessibility drop let's look that up i'm gonna assume like 1863 i'm really stuck on the 60s when did the word accessibility come out the word homosexual like it popped up like 1640 damn i said 1860 literally i have absolutely no gauge of time like literally at all because look at that if you were born in like 2004. Look what comes up when I look up. When did the word? Have you looked that up before? 1868.

Hella late. I would say that's early. What? There's been gay people before that. They just didn't know. They couldn't put their finger on it. In it. Fuck.

No one cared. They started caring in 1860 no one cared before that's how i feel about myself like no one cared about me until i was like super popular and important why did you shake your head yes kai i was agreeing with you that's not something to agree with you're supposed to say no people cared about you before that like i thought women you're supposed to like listen to women and then oh my god he is listening and learning yes not me listening and learning still can't spell are you trying to spell something else uh no so we are literally living in the last good generation we have a habitable earth we have cars that we get have monarch butterflies um and everything else in like 10-15 years it's gonna be done no that's what i've been i've been genuinely saying to people i'm like

damn i like finally came around to being like you know what i would love to have kids but now i'm like i won't be able to have kids like i just won't what if this is just a repeat of the 70s because like literally they thought the world was ending in the 70s too and people chose to not have children in the 70s because they're like the world is going to be fair though now it's 70 years was ending like there was such a small statistical probability of the fact that we made it to this point have you ever looked up the nuclear bomb accidents? No. There's recorded events where they were transporting a nuke across the United States and it just fell out of the plane. And it just didn't go off.

Oh my god. And there's like 30 things that happened like that. The Cold War was about to happen. And it was literally like a 30-minute thing that was called off to like shoot nukes off. So I think they were like totally valid. Well, we're not valid. So do you think that like it's valid to feel like it's like kind of a not gonna happen situation or do you think it's valid to feel it?

I feel like the chances of the world ending are lower now than in the 70s for sure. I hope so. But. Yeah, the world's not. Like, how do I have Apple Pay, but y'all can't fix global warming? That's true. It's because you have Apple Pay.

Global warming is a thing. No, like, I'm so dead serious. Why can I do PayPal checkout on any website in the world, but y'all can't fix the temperature of the globe. Because every time you buy a muumuu jacket, it has to travel 6,000 miles via jet and pump 30,000 tons of carbon monoxide or carbon dioxide into our atmosphere, which is melting holes.

If you need the best skincare in the world, go to Australia. They have a hole in the ozone layer above their country, so they all are constantly baking in the sun. No, we fixed it. No, it's still bad over there. It is still bad. You get people-

But we fixed it. Isn't that like 50% chance? You know what's crazy is that that was like one of the only times in the world where everybody was like, you know what? Like we gotta do something about this fucking hole in the ozone ozone layer because all of our oxygen is literally leaving the earth we're not going to be able to be here for 50 more years if we don't and then they pass like some fucking law that like literally just stopped the production of this one chem that like was

actively destroying our ozone and then it healed itself but like why can't we just rally and do that why can't we just stop climate change yeah i heard that you would if you like slowly because you consume so much of it if you just stopped using poppers like it would everything wow this is the second time you've done this. I know. Do you think people are going to think I'm homophobic or something? For sure. Okay. 100%. I'm just trying to make sure.

What? What? You bitch. Oh, did you go get proof that I was right? No, these are yours that you left in my room. No, I had a bigger one. Those are yours that you left in my room. Riddle me this.

I bought a big version and i gave me this die you're gonna die those actually aren't mine i don't know where they came from i bought the big one and i gave it to you did someone take it no you gave me this one no because you were like it was the flat oh wait maybe this is mine yes because i i swear like i you never gave me a big one i swear on my life oh no now it's gonna smell like that in here what i use that to clean my fingernails yeah this is nail polish remover that i use a lot oh i smell it i smell the poppers you want a more concentrated sniff whoa but yeah i heard that if you stop unregulated porn soon the porn will be regulated

that's why we're the last good generation we're literally still in the wild wild west with the internet and soon it's all gonna be regulated just wait we're all gonna be we're all gonna look back in 20 years and be like we were fucking degenerate delinquent scum i think like that about myself like two years ago you need to not eat whatever chicken that was before the podcast what i literally was like i feel like so normal normally i feel like fucking shit can i please tell me how the world's gonna of my balls no but like you're giving me a little peak show through your shorts and i can see your bulge no i can't can i see can i see kai i'm not gonna uh clean your feet like i don't want to i don't want to see your feet kai i don't think i saw anybody having

anything to say about me saying my feet getting warm literally makes me horny like no one had anything to say about that i didn't see a single comment about that and it was just grazed over which is good because that means that we have like older people watching us now who are like around our age so you understand because i can't stand when i see like a person talk about like oh my god they say they want to like suck my toes that's so weird i'm like there's nothing weird about that just i am oh my god just airing out your foot fetish i don't have a foot fetish i find every part of the body of someone i'm attracted to awesome josiah's working on his laptop with like his pants down so his ass is like hanging out well he just he just put it away. Pull that thing out. Pull that dick out. Pull that dick out.

Pull that dick out. Pull that dick out. Oh, he's doing it. Pull that dick out. I will never Oh my god, please. I will never ever be here again.

I will never ever put up with this again. Being all the time sexualized by all of you. That's literally me. All of the comments like talk about it so much. They're like, damn, Drew like has a, Drew silently handles all of his traumas. And it's from you two. Y'all are traumatized. What?

You fucking wish, you bitch. See? No, we don't. Yeah, see? We're so fucking nice to you. There's nail polish, remember? Said they're on the bottom. Yeah, I know.

Why'd you take it? Because I was going to throw it away. Yeah, don't throw it away. Never. Oh, is Drew putting on a show? Like, he's like, okay. Yeah, he's pretending like we're mean to him. What do you have to say?

Go for it. Oh, my God. Dude, chill out. Ew! like he's like okay yeah he's pretending like we're mean what do you have to say go for him oh my god dude chill out just as bare fucking hairy ass cheeks are out sorry my pants are riding a little low we've known each other for like too long because now we're getting to the point where we think like showing our butt cracks to each other is funny the boys do that we've been doing that for years i'll like open the door and pull down my pants and run up the stairs he literally did that to me yesterday when i came did you just get here yesterday

never no he's been here forever not ever I was I don't know Josiah has been here for like two weeks this is like the second week

of a podcast episode he's just casually here he's literally been here for two weeks it's awesome it feels like we're like fucking 20 again I know it feels like

we're roommates wait guys and they were roommates It's awesome. It feels like we're like fucking 20 again. I know. It feels like we're roommates. Like 1304. Wait, guys. And they were roommates. Ow! Never. I was thinking that. It does feel like 1304.

Oh, we didn't know you. You might as well have not existed back then. You might as well have not been on then. You might as well have, like, not, like, been on the planet. Like, you were so, like... You knew that was coming. It's the way we all are. Wait, wait. Can you do a cut?

1304 was a very special time. Oh, it was literally the best time. I remember Josh used to always be like, oh, the salad days, the salad days. And now I'm like, yeah, so true. The dog days are over. The dog days are over. Damn, only 10 minutes have passed since we talked about it. Only 10 minutes have happened.

Every time we're filming, Kai will say a random number to us because we'll get to a point where we're like, well, damn. Damn, what else do you fucking want well damn damn what else do i say right now and then kai will be like yeah y'all have been going for like seven minutes and i'm like oh that was 34 minutes yeah like sometimes i believe it and then sometimes i don't because then i remember joe's um kai is like a liar i'm not a liar ew why'd you say it with that face you had like oh fucking and you don't do that face? You had like... Ow, fucking Inya, don't do that. I didn't do shit, motherfucker.

That literally hurt so bad. I didn't do anything. You wish I would touch you again. Oh my god. You missed my touch. Admit it. Say you missed my touch. You see what they deal with? Say you missed my touch, Drew. You see this? I mean,

it's true holy shit that scared me oh my god that was like an ellen saying wait can you see me in the show yeah yes the whole thing wait um one time when i was in a haunted house when i was like uh okay but like you're lying now because you weren't 14 or 15 ever. Like you were never 14 or 15. I hit one of the employees in the face because it freaked me out and I swung and hit them in the face. And the mask they were wearing like turned because it was like a big head and it turned.

And then I got yelled at. Are you taking photos of me why are you taking photos of me back there on my phone okay well should we get into media dude i wish i had like good media i haven't seen a movie since i started playing fortnite i have a great media um i saw Nope. Oh, wait. All my friends, when I was like, oh my God, I want to see Nope really bad. All my friends on the one day I worked all day went to go see it without me. And it was so much sweeter without you there.

The good news is someone in there had COVID and they're going to have it, but like not with symptoms, but they're all going to see their family soon. And someone on set had monkey pox. Yeah, it was me, bitch bitch and now you have it but no i saw uh nope and it was literally a masterpiece ah i wouldn't say match masterpiece i'd say like it was a really really amazing take on that style of movie i don't want to say what happened in it or if you don't know because you should go see it without like knowing what's going on and go into a completely blind but like yeah i've never seen some of these takes made and i've it was really awesome and like

the modeling of certain things was really fucking cool and fuck whoa whoa and no you're gonna stay back there you know learn your lesson you're gonna stay back there for ten minutes oh, you got it. But yeah, Nope was literally so great. Like, so fun, so great. I don't have anything else to say. And the second episode of the rehearsal is the best comedy episode of comedy. The best episode of comedy I've ever seen in my entire life on television.

Simply. Yeah, it's's unreal it's fucked up um my media of the sleigh is um any song by don omar because it reminds me of being like seven and getting my head busted open in a bounce house. Nasty by Ariana Grande. And Helmet by Steve Lacey. Josiah says Nasty is a part of his media as well. Judas by Lady Gaga. Yeah. Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell.

And then Pondy Floor by Major Lazer. Hey! called lineman by glenn campbell and then pondy floor by major laser um hey and then we get the boo-boo suede uh world cup vibes oh that's for drew's butt i drop him up there and he hangs down. And he just puts my b-hole right there and it just goes. Right in, yeah. And then he hangs down like a little doll. It hurts, but it presses against my prostate in a very clear way. Help.

Help me. All right. Bye. Bye. All right, let's leave him back there. Let's go. Kai. Yeah?

Kai. Oh, hey, Kai, don't speak to him. Kai, please, can you hear me? Do not. But he seems like he needs help. Let me out. He's in trouble. Can you hear me?

I can hear you, but I'm not supposed to help you for some reason. Help! Help me! hear you but I'm not supposed to help you for some reason Stop! Shut the hell up! Please, I just want to go. I'll cover it. No, I'll cover the camera. You can do it. Do it. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Please, I just want to go. I'll cover it. No, I'll cover the camera. You can do it. Do it. Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Why? Ow! Ow! Ow!

I wanna leave. Ow! Ow! I want it! Bye.