Emergency Intercom - Evil Vile Rumors

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

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Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. hey guys what's up oh my god that was a good clap too don't oh my god somebody immediately just turned this episode off they're like okay

it's a fucking loo you know absolutely not um what's up guys welcome back to this this episode of emergency.com because i know you're watching it for a third time thank you i wish i wish there were people who have watched every episode at least like three oh they're a hundred percent are there's no way there's too many episodes now at first when we were at like 30 episodes i was like that kind of makes sense i guarantee there are probably a thousand people i'll put money on a thousand people that have watched every episode at least twice a thousand oh that is pretty confident yeah you said how many people a thousand you said you think there's a thousand people who have put watched every episode three times twice to three times oh okay now you lowered it twice to three no no i said twice in my first in my first go in my first

statement yeah in my first statement but yeah welcome back guys drew's wearing lip gloss no no i'm literally not so you're literally wearing lip gloss. Your lips look so pink. And I do that every fucking time on my sweats. And now there's like lip stain like sweats from the oil and it doesn't wash out. It's hell on earth. No, I bought this like pink little bottle that Mason and Zamar told me to buy. And they were like, this shit's like lit. It's like the best chapstick ever.

And I just like would wear it every single day. And I would just like put it on and not think about it and then I realized today when I was putting it on that it's a fucking sleep mask and that I just wear a sleep mask as like chapstick every day. Oh yeah Zamar and Mason do keep it in their car and see if Mason can take it out. Yeah but yeah like for some reason makes my lips fucking glow and beautiful and pretty. Well you know what it is you have a very good natural hue of lips like i have actually uh okay don't like get too crazy about it did y'all hear that because your little mustache covers most of them anyway so you have like a full bottom lip and then like a little peak of a lip yeah i was looking at my lips the other day and i was like damn like i do have really small lips you don't have that like for a white guy you don't have like why are you pushing them out you're like i do have small lips

kai has like you're pouting them too much right now for me to be able to unpout yeah you have good lips yeah you have decent lips you don't have like the like beak lips that white people get do you know what i'm talking about oh yeah like when it like turned into like no kiss for you um what's the other parentheses like that that no oh the bracket yeah oh yeah like a little like a white person with bracket lip yeah that is a crazy phenomenon have you seen the people that get lip filler on their bracket lips? Yeah. It's really sad.

And I'm like, girl, like, do you? Like, I'm really actually genuinely happy for you. And I'm glad it makes you feel better. But, like, every single person that I've seen that's gotten that done has immediately regretted it. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to sit here and make fun of people's lips because I also don't believe that everybody should just like run out and get filler because we literally don't know what it does and it always migrates. And also what I will say, if you do get filler and you decide to like get rid of it, make a TikTok because that's my favorite TikTok to watch is people getting their lips dissolved because their lips always look gorgeous after. Maybe that's the method is to get lip filler for a two year, stretch your lips out and then get it dissolved.

But then I think you might. How do their lips not get super wrinkly though or do they get wrinkly because you're stretching your skin out as your butthole kai and i were talking about that the other day we were talking about um buttholes yesterday on our walk we were talking about buttholes you went on a walk together yesterday yeah we did yeah yeah but i don't remember talking about buttholes yeah we were saying that like um the wrinkles on your butthole is like the body count like your body count like the rings on a tree shows like your age the wrinkles on your butthole shows your body count have you seen the the videos where it's like um timothy chalamet leaving austin butler's house and getting home to his apartment and it's like that wet fart sound it's like oh fuck off you're way too good at doing that dude i just made my stomach turn yeah it's because his butthole's filled filled with uh

oh my god man do you think we're gonna get demonetized Do you think we're going to get demonetized? No, I think we're good. See, I have a delusion. I have a delusion when you say things about that because I believe we're removed by, what is it? By a second degree when you're close. Twice removed. Yeah, I believe we are only twice removed by so many people.

When you say shit like that, I'm like, God forbid that ever just lands in their scope. And then we have to be in a room with anybody you ever talk about and we're just like i didn't say that what's your name that was one of my alters i love a good meeting somebody famous and going oh yeah my name's enya what's your name yeah you like it feels like you have to what else are you supposed to do also oh i've seen you on my phone for like years but i kind of do do that i anytime i meet someone i'm like like if i when i met timothy chalamet and like when we were hanging out a bunch when i went up to him i was like oh my god like i loved you and call me by your name like that was the role of a lifetime and he was like thank you so much

like ew are you gay or something why are you bringing that movie up yeah he literally hate i always always be like oh I know your stuff I'm not a fan of it but my girlfriend likes it oh I love that we get body like that all the time can I take a picture of you I want to show my girlfriend and I'm like babe like it's okay to like me I love when a group of guys does

that but then each of them take individual pictures and I'm like alright I know all of y'all didn't bag a baddie yeah there's no way because only like hot people like hot girls watch our shit and it'll be like a bunk guy and all of them are like me me next me me next me next i'm like let's see the proof let me see your screensaver let me see your wallpaper and it's not a hot girl so you're lying also one of the groups that did that to us were all dressed like um they were dressed nice but they kind of reminded me of the guys who will play like a steely dance song

and back up with the bell bottoms and all of them asked for individual photos and they were like my girlfriend's gonna freak out but they all asked for individual photos and i was like you're a fan yeah like why are you lying to me? It's actually like mean. Guys, I am Dune pilled, Dune maxing. It's actually becoming a problem. I love Dune. It's all my feeds are consumed by. Dune edits and all that shit.

And I was like, oh, like I'm going to go get the lego set i called like three days waiting for it to be in and then the day you left me and josiah went to the mall and picked it up um lego yeah instead of taking me to the airport they went to the mall to get the dune lego set let that oh my god i actually didn't think about that that is shit yeah i was like standing around and then i didn't want to ask to be taken. Well, you got to ask. You got to ask. I was like any world if it was like this time and I was up and Drew was around, I'd just be like, oh, I'm just going to take him, whatever.

And I was like, oh, yeah, it'll be fun, too, because Josie's with him. So he won't be driving alone. I was standing around and both of their fucking stinky asses were planted on the sofa. Like, I think to take them off, it would have sounded like Velcro from the stench of their ass ripping from the sofa. And then I was like, I said twice, I was like, oh, I think I'm going to call a car soon.

And they were just like. You got to ask. You got to set that pride aside and ask, babe. They were literally like, oh, okay. I can't read what you want. I was offended. Damn, I'm sorry. Yeah, that is shitty.

But at least I got a Lego set. Yeah, at least you had a lego set yeah at least meanwhile i was in the uber on the way there looking at boeing seven through seven because i had to get on one and i was genuinely convinced my plane was gonna go down i was like i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it that fucking whistleblower huh yeah what's up with the whistleblower basically this dude like outed boeing like he's like he he worked at Boeing and he outed him as like, or outed Boeing as like very neglectful of like maintenance and that there's like a bunch of problems with their planes.

And like the, I've talked to like my pilot friends before and they're like, dude, like the process to like submit a complaint on a plane, like if something goes wrong is hell. So a lot of pilots just like, don't even do it and like this dude was just explaining how shitty the process is and how they like knowingly um just

like let bunk ass airplanes like fly around the air and like a lot of like the deaths and disasters that have happened could have been preventable and should have been prevented but whatever this dude like went out and said all that shit the stock price probably fucking tanked and then literally yesterday he was fucking found dead he was found dead the whistleblower was found dead what's crazy is that's like going for them allegedly i wonder what's gonna stop boeing from putting out planes because i'm sure also I was thinking I think it'd be interesting to look up other plane crashes and incidents because I do think there's probably other aircrafts that are having similar issues because we're also hitting the mark where a lot

of these planes were made around the same time and a lot of them are just meeting the end of their life and I do think it's the first time within our society that is so hell bent on plane travel that we're seeing a bulk of a bunch of planes hitting the end of their life. We haven't been within aviation and public aviation for long enough to see the end of cars. We're all now at the age where there's a bunch of cars that when we were younger, we saw them new on the market but they're hitting that like decade or 15 year mark that all of them are kind of going bad and they're disappearing off the roads i don't know if we've actually hit that for planes yet like i don't know how many feels like it i feel like so many planes have been going down in the last two yeah but that's what i'm saying i'm like i think we're

hitting that mark where all of them are going bad. But all the airlines, it probably will cost so much fucking money. So many flights will be cut off the income that they're used to getting. Because also like plane travel became so much more popular post COVID because everybody just realized how important it was to like get out. And it's like the whole thing with how many near collisions there are on tarmacs now. That's like a huge thing because they put so many flights close to each other that I think, I want to look it up, but there was like this TikTok that showed how many near collisions there were

in just a month. And it was like over 50 on the tarmac. And that's just like planes like taking off and other planes getting the wrong information of like almost scooping into taking off and almost slamming into each other on the tarmac. It's going to be so iconic when one of us dies in a plane crash and they make like a compilation video of like how many fucking times we've talked about dying in a plane crash and

talked about crashing planes it's literally gonna be iconic and they're gonna be like oh my god like they knew like they knew or then there's gonna be a me in the comment who's like bitch that's all they talked about like that's literally all they talked about they didn't know anything but no that is like knowing like intuitively knowing that is knowing you being like there's always gonna be a disaster like there's gonna be an earthquake queen of disaster you know what we've never talked about and is actually insane that we haven't talked about is marina and the diamonds like why have we never publicly talked about that arc of our lives because what is there to say it's like we've talked about one direction like we've talked about lana but like we haven't talked about marina because like actually my name is marina i think we

don't talk about marina because she kind of lives in that bubble almost when we say like oh lana tumblr days i think like at least i just am like if you know you know yeah like if you know you know and if you don't know now don't try to know because it's not gonna be the same it will never be the same somebody recently had jk like go and support that is she still making music though She put out an album in 2021. I didn't... Fruit? I'm not sure. I didn't really listen to it, but...

Yeah, just like an iconic moment in our lives. Oh, no, Fruit was 2015. Bitch, I'm old. No, she didn't put it out. She hasn't put out an album since Fruit. I think on Spotify she has an album that came out in 2021 oh oh wait what the hell it's under marina oh she does ancient dreams in a modern land um girl she's on her bjork shit oh speaking of bjork the other day i was driving um and like it was like peak sadness for me and I was like oh like literally what is

going on with me like I need to figure something out so I put on Agony by Young Lean and proceeded to like fucking sob like I was alone and sobbing and people could see me crying and then i put on hyper ballad by bjork and like sobbed even fucking harder and i'm not kidding since that moment i cried it was like the most cathartic thing i've ever experienced i have actually been like euphoric like literally like happy and i'm like damn like maybe all we need is to just cry men should cry more literally let it out i don't think i think you should have probably come to yourself because i was like shattering this illusion that like what you cry oh you're a baby well you're gonna hate this little fun fact about me which is that i cry

every night for hours that's shocking i love that for you thank you i love that you cry and should cry men should sob wait but you do that every night? Every night. You do like wake up usually looking a little parched. Like sometimes when we come here in the morning, I'm like, he must have cried it all out. It's from all the tears. Yeah. And I cry face down with my ass up.

Oh. Waiting. Why? I don't know why I told you that. Is it so the tears could just like flow out faster? Yeah, I'm just trying to get it out. Well, when I landed in Miami, I had like the most sibling moment ever my sister because you've ever landed at the mia terminal it is actually a democracy chamber it is the worst place in the planet because it's already hot in miami it's already humid but some for some reason they made the departure area like a tunnel so it's even hotter

because you're just breathing in car exhaust because there's actually eight million cars around you just slowing down in miami they're honking their fucking asses off because they've never been outside before i guess and they're honking like crazy so you're in this echo chamber of honking and like exhaust and then there's people yelling like the guys who work there were like like yelling their fucking asses off and i was getting so overwhelmed and frustrated and i was sweating my ass off because i had just got off the plane so i was like in a sweatsuit sweating my ass off call my sister she's like i'm here i'm in front of you i'm like where are you and i was like you are at departures you were not at arrivals and she was like i'm at arrivals like you think I don't know how to whatever I was like you're at fucking departures she was at

departures it took her another 15 minutes to get around and I was so frustrated that I started crying profusely but it was the weirdest cry I've ever had because it was like a very angry cry that I literally just put my head down and tears were just like dripping out rapidly because I was so mad and then I looked up and this guy in the car was like staring at me and tears were just like dripping out rapidly because i was so mad and then i looked up and this guy in the car was like staring at me and i literally just mouthed him i was like and i just turned away because he was just staring at me like like because he saw me crying and i was like bitch fuck you like why are you probably gonna be like he's gonna be like are you okay no i could read his vibe he was looking at me like i was fucking stupid and then because i turned away at one point

and looked back and he was still like like just staring at me like I was fucking stupid. And then because I turned away at one point and looked back and he was still like, like just staring at me like I was crazy. And I said, fuck you. Because like, why? Also, actually, fuck you. Even if you were looking at me like to help me, like you're just in your car. Also, he's one of the people who was honking. So fuck you.

But yesterday at the airport, this girl, when I landed, somebody was doing the same thing. They were holding down their honk. Just so happened to be Cuban. I know you're from Miami holding down your horn like that. Mark Cuban? No, it was not Mark Cuban. Mark Cuban was honking at the airport. No, it was a girl with a bunch of Cuban like the gloves.

What was a Cuban glove? I think this does not exist. But I was like, she must be from Miami because she's holding down that fucking horn. And listen to the lady behind me. She was pissed. I was like, damn, honestly, she's so lit for doing this. Oh, my God.

Oh, that's me. Awkward. Oh, my God. Hurry. I know, I'm trying, I'm trying. Hurry. Oh, my God. trying, I'm trying. Hurry. Oh my gosh. No, no, no.

What a bitch! My ears fucking hurt! Stop that shit! She said, fucking bitch, my ears fucking hurt! Stop that shit! She literally was like boxed in my car, and she was just like, and it actually is so inconsiderate to do that at the airport.

And what is that going to do? You honking. I fully understand honking twice, getting them out of the way. But laying on your horn, that is how you know society is crumbling. It's psychotic. You are the angriest person I've ever seen in my life holding down your horn. But I will say, Rain is quick to hit that fucking horn i was in the car with her like twice she literally i've never seen it like her quickness with her horn was like an ipad baby hitting decline it was

equivalent she is the ipad baby hitting decline she hangs up that fucking phone faster than like like okay we had um our friends amar like he used to be like the king of hanging up quick and then i watched rain hang up on anya and it was it was like anya didn't even say bye yet like it was before like she even got by out and the call had ended and i was like what the fuck do something but i'll talk to you and then it was just blank and i was like oh my god and then i told zamara i was like you've been dethroned and he was like oh i know who it is and he was like it's rain isn't it and yeah because i told rain and she was like zamara already told me like i'm gonna and i'm gonna say this and i was like bro i was gonna say i love you and you hung up on me and she was like i know you love me though so it's

okay i was like damn that is so funny but i saw her honk so quick to the point that me and tyra were in the car with her and we're driving around and we saw her hand go up and we go. No, we were like, don't do it because it was such a useless honk. Christian's like that, too. Christian like will just like honk at that. He gets angry and honks at like the dumbest shit, like someone like cutting. Oh, someone cutting him off like but the car cutting him off is like 30 feet ahead of him and he'll just like honk and get angry like why the fuck are you what are you doing dumbass and i'm like not to out my sister but my sister is a crazy driver and i love her so much and i know

you have bad luck god bless but she is a terrifying driver four wrecks in two months she like none of them were her fault months. None of them were her fault. Yeah, none of them were her fault, according to her. I feel so bad for outing her like that. But she is a terrifying driver. People will just be driving kind of slow, and she'll honk, and then she'll be like, on the center console. And I'm like,

girl, you were literally terrified. And she's like, oh my god, see, this is how they drive in Miami. This is how they drive in miami this is how they drive in miami and i was like girl that we know that that's what you just drive safer like people in miami drive crazy we know that maybe like for a lot of people driving angry is like therapy for them it's like they that's when they get their anger out and they just like be pissed at everybody else so they don't go home and like punch holes in their mad chill but once we get in that car i'm like do you want me to drive and then she gets mad at that she's

like oh why do you want to drive and i'm like i i don't know damn i'm sorry damn um but the oscar oh wait we're gonna oh i was gonna say i said bro my grandma just sits with her thoughts like i think i've said that on the podcast before last time i saw my grandma but that shit is crazy i was asking my mom just sits yeah i was literally asking my mom i was like actually what did you do before like iphones like what like what did you do like how did you fill your time and even she was like oh my god like i actually like i don't know what we all used to do it like imagining people like sitting at a cafe alone like drinking their coffee with like nothing like i know they had like magazines and newspapers and books and shit but my mom was like i didn't read and no one i knew i

like no one i knew read so like what were you doing if you weren't fucking reading magazines? Like just sitting there? Like, yeah. I was writing a song. You're so beautiful. Before phones, I was always writing songs. Music and poems and stuff. That's what Joni Mitchell would answer if you asked her what she did before phones. That bitch does not use a phone.

Was Joan Didion the one that lit herself on fire in the oven? No, it's Sylvia Plath. Sylvia Plath. She didn't light herself on fire. Sylvia Plath be like. But yeah, it was really crazy to me because we got my, not we, I got my grandma a new iPhone. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm better. I'm the best. Well, it's a 13. It's a 13, yeah. It's not. Okay, actually, no. Why have they not declined in value? That was still for, I think, 128 gigabytes. That gigabytes that was still a 680 you got scammed that makes no sense you got

scammed no because on offer up they were all that amount and then i was like bro i'm just gonna get her one from fucking best buy a used one from best buy so it has the charger and everything with it and i was also like terrified that if i went and met someone on best buy they would like on offer up they would kill me. Did you get a phone case for her? Yeah, she we went to Rob's. Otterbox. No, she got.

Those fucking Otterboxes with the screens that were like they would turn. Yeah, they would like turn opaque over time from like all the syrup and sweat that we just were dripping on it as kids. Like the Otter boxed arc needs to be studied oh bitch you know what the t is the otter box what we experienced with otter boxes is what the girls are experiencing with stanley cups right now oh because it's the same thing like it's indestructible it'll last forever like it'll keep you safe somehow like those shits were degrading in our hands loki i want the pink camo one though because that one ate yeah there was like an arc where they were fire yeah like they were but the

screen thing was so dumb but it was because people wanted to take their iphone in water yeah yeah and so bad like why didn't we go to take our phones in water and no one did I didn't see one. I saw YouTube reviews of people putting it in water, but no one actually trusted them enough. No one was brave enough because it was the most expensive piece of technology you could ever get your hands on. Also, you could take them like two inches underwater. Or before the pressure fucking busted your iPhone.

Broke the plastic. I will never forget in Joshua Tree how my phone broke because me and josie were recording a bunch of tiktoks underwater because we were just drunk in a fucking hot spring and i woke up and my whole fucking phone was just covered in smog and humidity and i lost all the pictures from that year that is so sad but they said they're water resistant like i don't know why you couldn't take them underwater i think i had it underwater for maybe 50 minutes and you would drop it and it would go to the bottom of it oh yeah we kept dropping it to swim over it and what's funny is i don't have any of those videos because the phone

broke so i don't even have proof that we were doing that actually i think i do have one and the only one i have is josie mooning the camera Like he pulled his pants down and showed his ass to the camera. And it was like a white globe in the water. But yeah, my grandma just sits around with her thoughts and it's kind of crazy. And then I feel bad because sometimes I'll be like, okay, we like talked all day. I want to play Fortnite. And I felt bad playing Fortnite around her because I'm like, oh my God, does she think I'm the killer?

No, she thought it was a documentary. She thought it was the news that people were running around killing each other. That people were flying and throwing lightning bolts down. Yeah, it's like a battle royale documentary. But yeah, that's it. I'm done. Well, the Oscars happened. I love Poor Things.

It deserved everything it got. The Emma Stone Best Act actress award was deserved um that might be a hot take but i think she deserved it but i forget her name what is her name um stanley kubrick no the girl from we're talking about movies um when the wind always shines like like that western movie or whatever the fuck flowers of the yeah yeah yeah when the wind always shines come and talk to me come and see um what the fuck is cats and when the wind shines always shines babe don't forget it um what's her name i don't know the action What the fuck is cats? And when the wind shines. Always shines, babe. Don't forget it.

What's her name? I don't know the actress. Nina. Nina. No. Oh, Nina Bonita Brown. Yes, that's true. That too is the song.

No, but she deserved it just as much. And I would be happy with either of them. But I low-key wish she got it over emma but i'm happy emma got it because her speech was so cute dude her saying that her baby the world could never be me i was like what no i was like my baby's gonna make my world a silent movie it's gonna be black and white silent movie depression my baby's gonna turn my world into what's it called when they uh made alcohol illegal prohibition my baby's gonna turn my world into the prohibition but yeah it was really gorgeous but well that was so sweet i didn't

even know she had a baby like did people know she had a baby um baby i didn't know she had a baby but the poor things album soundtrack um i was telling kaya about it the other day or yesterday i went to the gym yeah i go to the gym i was gonna go do a two a day but i missed my appointment go do a two day to a day where you go to the gym twice in one day but i just didn't know me, me and Josh actually. Jobs be like, oh my God, I love the gym. Like you better love not being sedentary. Like go do something. Yeah. But I was telling Kai that I was working out

to the Poor Things soundtrack. And as I was like walking into the locker room, this specific song was playing. And it's literally the scariest song you've ever heard in your entire life but that album i will defend is a great album to work out to um you just have to wait no this one i was walking into the gym with this playing in my headphones and there were three dudes walking past me and all three of their heads were like, and they stared at me as I was walking.

It seems like you're gonna go in there and like shake 18 people. Like it was, it's a scary vibe. No, that's not a gun song. That's like you going behind someone stealthily and stabbing them and they like slowly fall. I'm gonna go in and pants everybody's towels around their waist.

Like that's a creepy ass song. But no, I'll defend that moment. That song is great. I need to go watch that movie. Actually, I got the first. You want to go tonight? I'm down. I got the first kind of spoiler to it.

No. I barely made out what was happening. I think I made up what was happening. And maybe it was me projecting. But it just reminded me of everybody being like, oh, you'll love that movie is so you and i was like oh so you think i'm a hoe no no no it's it's not like that at all it's not like that i think i just like misread something no but it's crazy that i was like oh my god in you that movie is so you like bella me saying in his bella bastard like everybody who's trying to get me to watch it is like you are literally

bella you are bella it's crazy because i walked out of the movie theater and not even five minutes after walking out of the theater i was still walking to the car i called in you and i was like tearing up and i was like girl go see that fucking movie the thing is i'm finally i'm finally back to like back to reality i'm back to where a woman should be where i live under the delusion of society and yeah and i should i'm just like listen life woman should be where i live under the delusion of society and yeah and i should i'm just like listen life it shouldn't be that complicated i shouldn't have free will i should just do as like the universe wants me to do and go settle down and like be normal so i need to rewatch that movie so i can go back to being crazy be the rowdy girl i know but i say

that like i'm not like okay i'm normal as normal as fuck, y'all. Like, seriously. Actually, no. I literally was freaking the fuck out. No, you weren't. You weren't. Fuck. Help. Help. Bitch.

And I know that hurt. It actually didn't because things don't hurt me. So things don't actually hurt me at all. It actually didn't because I went to the gym twice in a day. So. Oh, you're't because I went to the gym twice in a day. Oh, you're shaking because I hurt you. You did make me red. Oh, speaking of red, Inya made red.

Had my period? No, your skin is sunburned. Oh, yes, I got a really bad sunburn, but I don't know if it's showing up on camera. I got the kind of sunburn that it turns like my skin is getting darker where it's going to peel, if that makes sense. I've never had that. I really think you might just tan. No, because I will tan and I know when I'm going to tan and I know when I'm going to burn. When I burn, it does turn darker, but then a few days later, it just peels because my skin fully just dies

because I got too much sun. Flop. Okay. You're in your flop. Billie Eilish is the girl. She's a star. I just need to say that. I need to get that out there.

I know. Wait. Has anybody else thought that? No, I don't think so. Has anybody else thought about the fact that she's the most affluential 21-year-old on the planet? Affluential? Affluential. Is that on the planet affluential is like rich she's rich oh i thought like affluential and was influential and affluential like together i i guess i think you made that up we'll make that a word though no i swear is that

a word because if it is like that's a lit ass word affluential is wealthy and influential. I backed you up. I supported you. And I did too. No, you didn't. You're constantly trying to tear her down. No. Oh my God. He wants to make me feel dumb as if I didn't read two books in a week.

When's the last time this motherfucker read a book? He can't read. I literally bought a Kindle. He's like, I literally listened to one. I bought a Kindle. Oh, did you actually listened to one i bought a kindle oh did you actually oh i want one you did it no i want a kindle because all my books get ruined in the steam room after the gym and all my books when i open it like the pages are you reading the steam i was gonna say or not in the sauna not in the steam um that's one of the reasons why i want it but i went and looked to see because I was like, oh, like a Kindle like, oh, it's like

three pixels and it's just black and white. It's got to be like $30, $40. They're $160. Yeah, they're expensive. Like, are you out of your fucking mind? I think they come with a bunch of books, but it's the kind of books like you see at the airport. That I don't give a fuck about.

Like, it's like sex. It's like this woman had sex the first time. I know it's like mythological sex stories and I'm like okay I literally don't care. I don't give a fuck bitch. Also Jimmy Kimmel's my man. That's my man. Bitch I

before I started this episode I was like I'm done with this. I'm not going to give another one. After this I am stealing Drew's car and I'm getting another one. I don't care. I don't care. You can't do that. Okay. Now what?

I got embarrassed. I'm going to say this first. Okay. Let me fucking finish. Oh, my God. I thought about Drew being on fire and trying to stomp it and I got so embarrassed. Stomping all over me? Like you, like, your leg leg catching fire you'd be like

like that is trying to stop it for like something being on fire because i saw this girl she got a pair of uggs and she like undid it and there was a candle on the other side so that paper caught on fire and she literally had no idea how to put it out and everything she was doing was accelerating it like she started blowing it and it like started yeah it started flaming up and then she covered it which you shouldn't fucking do because then it just like bubbles up more and she almost set her house on fire and i imagine you going through that and i got so embarrassed yeah that was like barack he would set the house on fire yeah because i'm so lit and everything i do is super hot fire

wow y'all remember super hot fire i do yeah oh i'm putting you on the game right now you've definitely seen it it's like the most i swiped that right yeah it's the most viral video of all time oh the loudest video of all time oh yeah yeah, this is probably the- Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah! Let's go ahead and get into it, we got our challenger over here. Yup, yup, T-Bone 225, where my nap? They're so funny for this. 225, 225 is that an error code or something?

Put that on the map quick. T-steak. This is little B. Our main man, the champion himself. No need for introduction. To my heart. His record, 400 million to one. Sorry, now I just have to watch this.

Is this the loudest you've ever heard my phone? It's the loudest thing I've ever heard. But I'm not a rapper. Good luck. Hey, you know what I do, Hex. You know how I go. Yup, tell us. Ay, ay, ay. I go first. Ay, ay, ay. Here comes a super hot, he goes first.

What is this? Check me out. I'm checking. I broke up with my ex-girl. Here's a number. Psych! That's the wrong number! That's literally you. That's like, I think, like, what shaped my sense of humor,

and I'm just realizing that. Like, I really do think that was, was like a very pivotal moment in my life. Psych, that's the wrong number. And then the boom, bam, bing, bada, bing, bop, bow. Classic, classic. Well, my middle school coach, while I was going to school there,

he got fired for drinking on the job and doing painkillers. Okay. I just remembered that last night. I don't think. And he was driving the bus around and shit the job and doing painkillers okay i just remembered that last night i don't think and he was driving the bus around and shit the games and shit and he was just i wasn't gonna steal the bus bet you thought i wasn't gonna drink and drive and drive the kids around on the bus um well i think i told the story before but my bus driver got fired because she used to hit me what have i not told that well you know what people were saying they have not heard the twin

story that i have not told it publicly okay and that's the thing really people said people were saying like oh like they gaslit drew into thinking he like tell it and i will like maybe it was a patreon episode uh maybe actually i have i because i do remember talking about it but like whatever um i don't want to tell y'all now y'all don't get it okay then should i tell my story like what's happening i just wanted to say out loud that i'm right and then i was also gaslit oh we got to watch that the craziest part oh my god yeah yep yep this is the saddest video i've ever seen in my life of myself i can't watch let's just insert it i can't watch it again you can't just keep thinking of things that you think you have oh wait this is the

medical terminology so we'll insert this one of things that you think you have it's claiming to the public that you have them i think i need somebody to go through and do like a check of how many like different like diseases or medical issues you've claimed to have publicly. Oh, my surgery clinic is calling me randomly actually like at the exact same time. And then do you want to answer issues you've claimed to have publicly? That's why I think we have mold poisoning, which is another toxic trait of mine. Still think it. The only thing we need to do to fix our AC is change that filter that is covered in mold.

Yeah. Not mold. I don't think we have mold poisoning anymore. I think we have like carbon monoxide poisoning or like a little gas leak now. Etoxia. It's not black mold now. I figured out what it is.

What is it? It's a gas leak. Oh my God. No, it's definitely a gas leak and we're all going to die in a fucking fire. What's crazy is these are different episodes. Like, how did you manage to bring it up every episode? That's what I was watching too.

I was like, damn, like I really do talk about this shit a lot. Like there's even newer episodes where you're still mentioning the first time in my life i got really constipated i hope oh the constipation shit is like too much i'm like girl shut the fuck up i hope when they do your pre-diabetic your surgery now they accidentally knock into your brain and reset something that would be a vibe i want to be fixed okay guys this is i'm potentially the saddest thing i've ever seen like actually it makes it breaks my heart that i went through this you know what's funny is he's literally done this recently we went to a concert and for two weeks and always like oh my ears are still ringing. I don't know what's happening.

I think I'm probably going to go deaf. This one still is. It's just that I figured out it's like, I think I have like a small ear canal. I know, she's so cute. Okay, we're going to insert this because you need to just answer that fucking phone call. They're going to call me and be like,

oh, like you're not getting your surgery anymore we heard what you said hello what did he say guys they said i literally have a tumor in my sinus like no they didn't you were hella chill it's over y'all see me and drew are not the same because i've had a tumor in my the right side of my back for like four years you know what now i actually hope i die of cancer i can only pray y'all look back at this when i die of fucking cancer no pray for me pray for me pray for me you even said it yourself well that's why i haven't gotten checked out because i'm like i don't i actually i was thinking about yesterday because this girl was talking about how prevalent breast cancer is in this

generation and my boobs the way they hurt all the time i won't be getting checked because i don't give a fuck and i won't be getting that check because i don't give a fuck because what i'm gonna die like i literally just don't want to know do you want me to massage him? And I won't be getting that check because I don't give a fuck. Because what? I'm going to die? Like, I literally just don't want to know. Do you want me to massage then? No, you just said something rude to me. And I actually hope your surgery goes wrong. And then you can't walk when you leave. Oh, my God.

We've talked about that before. And you even said it. And a doctor looked at it and said it. I hope they poke your eye nerves and you go blind. Oh, my God. Don't say that, bro. Or I hope they accidentally cut your oh my god don't say that or i hope they accidentally cut your nerves first don't say that don't say that that's scary it's crazy how many things can go wrong like

they're literally in your head they're in my head i don't want to think about that okay yeah you freaking better i'm not because when i fucking die okay i'm not gonna look for my cancer because when i die of cancer you're gonna feel bad now what you already would have perished it's like been seven years no it's been four years okay anyways and you're wishing death upon me i obviously don't hurt i don't hope that that's not gonna happen to you oh yeah it's not it probably will because that's low-key your fucking dream so you could complain about it so it's just not gonna happen i'm blind guys i'm blind and i still do the podcast for y'all that's gonna be my arc um no one is using those fucking passwords apple is suggesting i'm telling you right now those are the most bunk

fuck i understand like oh quantum computing like they can brute force your shit if you don't have eight different characters and blah blah blah blah blah but like fuck those passwords like fuck them i'm not using them i never will stop asking write them down literally also they make why so someone could go through my journal and go on my fucking ig exactly they want you to use the keychain in the fucking phone. So like it saves all your passwords for you. But that shit scares the fuck out of me too. Also, what was I going to fucking say? They make it so hard to choose your own password.

It's not like an option that just pops up. Like you have to like navigate through the iOS interface. So if you're like a geriatric old person, you're fucked. And then you don't remember that password because it's 38,000 characters long. Like, come on now. Well, I asked my family if they could, a hypothetical, it's like you can have your dream car, whatever car you've ever wanted. But the first thing you have to do when you get in it is hit and kill a dog. And all of them said they would hit and kill the dog.

Really? All of them. Super quick. And then my little sister was like, do you know how to in it is hit and kill a dog and all of them said they would hit and kill the dog really all of them super quick and then my little sister was like do you know how many straight dogs there are like god bless i'm like i'll pray after but like i'm hitting the fucking dog i'd kill a baby for an urus oh my god that's like really i was saying it because i i like pregnant woman oh literally, I got up at the table. I was like, well, I guess I'm going to have to think harder about these hypotheticals. Cause my family is a bunch of evil. Like you're all evil and you're murderers.

And then my little siblings go, mommy killed a cat once by accident. So she could have got the car then too. And I was like, Oh my fucking God. Oh my God. And we were eating Chick-fil-A and it was awesome. Okay. Another,

another take that I have is karaoke is not for people that can sing. Yeah, because it's fucking annoying. Josiah always wants to go to karaoke because he has like three songs that he can do perfectly. And I'm like, no, like karaoke is for all of us to get drunk and scream into the mic and like it just be really loud and annoying and then you have to take breaks. Actually, I love our friend group, but I hate going to karaoke. Everybody gets, it's literally the annoying competition.

And then once Phantom of the Opera comes on, I actually want to blow the room up. I'm like, the world would be much more peaceful if me and everyone in this room just incinerated in a moment's notice because it's the loudest thing ever. I don't even know how this, I just know one time I came back from the bathroom and it was playing and I came in and I turned around and walked out.

Yeah, no, I leave every single time Lucas and Josiah do Phantom. It's so annoying. Horrible. I actually need to ask Josiah if he did that with his other friends. Yeah, with his other fucking friends. No, because he has respect for them. Yeah, he doesn't give a fuck about us. He'll scream in our ears and make our eardrums bleed well they turned up the power all the way

for my brain thing oh really yeah uh i think it's working honestly i love you i low-key feel like it might be working damn yeah but they have to go to 120 what were you you at? I'm now at 100. And is 120 the peak? 120 is peak power. And it's like, it's painful now. Do they have to like wean you off or do you just like stop doing it? It's supposed to just be like you do it for like 30 days straight. Damn, that's crazy. How many days left do you have?

I think I have like 10 days. Wait, are you off today? I have it later today. Wait, are you off today? I have it later today. Can't go. Yeah, you can watch. You like to watch, huh, Andrew? Yeah, I'm like a little medical cuck. I'd love to observe your surgeries.

Y'all are fucking disgusting. I low-key feel like it has been working because when I was really down bad, like six months ago, I would wake up and I would literally like open my eyes and the color would be desaturated. I would be like, I'm like Bob. Do you remember that trend on TikTok when like people would like show their life with saturation and then it would be like three months into COVID and they just like take the saturation off and it would be like all grit. That was me. That was your life. That was literally me. I'm sorry

Kai. No it's okay but I'm offended that I wasn't like a child. Why don't you just put on like Ray-Bans with like a bit of a tint and that should fix that problem. That's not really like the root of the problem. Or you could get like eye contact. If I'm in your life. I just feel like you're not understanding. If I'm in your life how can you be sad?

That's what I was gonna say because it's almost mean to Drew like does he not make your life good? I'm sorry. You're making this about you? I'm saying it is rude. It is really rude. Like, oh, you're depressed, but he's still he's right here. Yeah.

I just don't understand how this is now. I mean, if Drew can't fix it, then you might be done. So I'm just expressing that I'm sad. And then this is an attack to you. Can't. Yeah. And he keeps going yeah this is crazy and i'm also like doing better no i am well you're doing better because drew's here

right now it's actually an illusion notice notice no i am actually happy that yeah it's awesome that's it yeah no no i'm happy for you i i still am like oh yeah i'm still in like in six months i may just all of my memory will just go away you get hard reset which might be a fucking i love you wake up sometimes hoping that would happen to me i actually told them i want eternal sunshine myself to forget both of you forever let's go let's go what are you gonna be homeless in like two days yeah no bitch i'm setting my ground you get the fuck out of my house actually i will i'm sorry i shouldn sorry. I shouldn't have pushed back like that. Oh, me being sarcastic.

I actually am happy for you because that's awesome. The birds are chirping, so I'm awesome. I don't know if you guys remember. I woke up yesterday, day 14. Oh, my God. Drew. Did you do that again? I just did it with my mind.

No, I actually didn't do that on purpose i woke up yesterday and i heard the birds and i immediately thought of that and i was like whoa because i have the same shit where as soon as it turns into like um like eastern europe uh weather and la i just like get so are y'all excited for june gloom i won't be here why do you have to yeah i'm literally leaving we're like we're like oh my god finally the sun is too depressed people no yeah i feel the exact same way all we needed was some sunshine you know that do you remember that scene in the matrix where they crest out of the clouds yeah and they see the sun a glimpse of light that is i'm that's me and you know you are the you are like you're the

storm cloud in the on the horizon oh wow like a hurricane that's gonna like swipe away my family and take them away from me it's like the movie twister literally i will cross me and i will but yeah no it's literally the birds the birds will do something to you i'm gonna hit you bitch are chirping fuck i are chirping. Fuck, I was going to say something. Oh, I want us to read this thing and see if any of us... I saw this girl do the TikTok. Hold on, hold on. Is it reading the teleprompter?

No. Oh. And if it was reading a teleprompter, we'd be over 18 hours. I think we did that in one of the early episodes. Yeah, we did. It's try saying these without sounding sarcastic. Okay.

Oh, that's great. Wait, I kind of ate. Yeah, you did kind of eat that. Honestly, good for you. I'm happy for you. That was good. Have fun. Oh, no, that was hella sarcastic.

I got into sarcastic character. Have fun. Okay, this one's hard. Fascinating. No one says that. Fascinating fascinating that's pretty earnest yeah i mean it's just not a word any of us would say so me being like also like if you were just telling me about shocking yourself i'm like fascinating yeah you would be like she's a bitch i'm adding words to it like you can't add yeah you can't say anything else but that. And if you don't add...

Thanks for that. You didn't mean what I said. I hope you go blind. Well done, you. Well done, you. Like, who's saying well done, you? Me when I'm talking about my steak and you equals steak. Onika burgers.

Well equals Onika and you equals burgers. two like geriatric people finding out what onika burgers is for the first time like shut the fuck up she equals onika a equals burger because we sound fucking crazy ever like i want you on the pod because i love the way you see the world in your mind like that was so special in your brain yeah mrs onika burgers well coco montrese yeah from ruffles drag races onika burgers like her dance in season two is onika burgers coded coded. Okay, I'm going to try it. And then Kai goes. Yeah, I was going to say you try.

Okay. Oh, this is going to, like, I can't. I don't know how I'm going to do this. Okay. Oh, that's great. That was good. But I added something. Yeah.

I bet I also. That was pretty good. That was good. Okay. I feel like I just sound like a bitch saying all this. Oh, good for you. I keep saying. That's.

If you add the O. If you add the O, it makes it this. Oh, good for you. I keep saying... That's... If you add the O, it makes it so much easier. Good for you. That sounded good. I feel like I say this all the time now. Have fun. Yeah. But, like, see, I wouldn't say it in that, like...

Like, say it just like how you would say it if I was walking out the front door. But I would add something else to it. Like, I wouldn't just say, have fun. That was okay. Yeah. Have fun. Have have fun that was okay yeah have fun have fun that was okay yeah fascinating fascinating is evil that one's fucking diabolical bitch if i told someone something interesting and they said fascinating i can fucking throw

my if i was like that's fascinating like i do say that regularly but just saying fascinating like that's evil i'm like that's evil but my word for fascinating is awesome like i say awesome seriously that's awesome that's awesome awesome what that's awesome it's awesome it's awesome see thanks for that i would never say that seriously that's like when you made fun of my tumor i would be like thanks for that stage three brain rot. That's awesome. Oh, good luck with that. See, I have to add O with everything. Good luck with that.

Sounds thrilling is fucked up. Wait, let me see real quick. If you say sounds thrilling to someone, you're going to fucking jail. Now I'm going to be as shady as possible. That's great. Good for you. Have fun. Fascinating.

Why am I an actor, y'all? I'm not going to lie. After leaving Dune, I was like, damn, I really think my next arc is actor. The man who can't read out loud is like. I think my next arc is actor and y'all clip this in three years once I'm acting. Okay. Okay, I'm going to go. That's great. Yeah, that sounded great. not yeah that was good good for you that's that one's a little that was a little catty sending

oh this one's hard have fun have fun that was a little better the second one um fascinating okay that was the best one thanks for that well the way you look really freaky thanks for that well done you good luck with that you sound like male siri yeah that's the thing is trying to read those just casually without actually receiving anything makes me feel crazy. Sounds thrilling. What a shame. Wow. You have the same tone for everyone. Wow.

This one. No, I was going to make a really mean joke. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Like do it in that voice. Wow. Wow. wow wow wow

wow it's so funny to get into that voice I have to say oh wow that's great good for you wait oh wow good for you holy shit I'm stroking out

have fun fascinating Wait. Oh, wow. Good for you. Holy shit, I'm stroking out. Have fun. Fascinating. Really, that's really fascinating. Thanks for that. What a shame. I need to put on a dress. Can you say, what a shame, Onika Burgers?

What a shame. Oh, wow. What a shame. Oh, what a shame, Onika Burgers. You're telling me a shrimp fried this right? Onika Burgers, I'm like a villain. Oh, my God. Okay. Before we get into psyop and media um there's a couple other things that i needed to talk about um there's this evil evil vile scary wicked gnarly rumor

about me going around right now and it's actually driving me fucking insane and i want to i want to have an open dialogue with everybody um why is there a rumor going around that i look like lord farquad like literally people say oh drew's like cosplaying lord farquad like oh he's one step away from fully becoming lord farquad like cut that shit out do i look like lord when i part uh when I put my hair behind my ears I don't think I've ever seen Lord Farquaad is that a real person you you do look like Lord Farquaad and I look like uh Shrek did you say I look like Lard Fart Quad you're calling me human Shrek people say that yeah he does which bodied me when i first know he's like hot oh yeah the the human

shark is supposed to be like oh my god cunt they made human so that the girls who like were attracted to shark could actually want to have sex with jack are you looking at lord farquaad it's because of my biggest insecurity your jaw yes i look like don't, but we should straighten your hair. Oh, fuck. That fuck-ass bob. Oh, my fucking God. Lord Farquaad was the original fuck-ass bob. Oh, my God.

Bruh, you don't look like him. No, y'all's hesitation in the way the room felt. No. No, you don't. You don't actually. It's literally just your haircut. Like, nobody, no white guy with that haircut your jaw you know what it is it's just something about shrek jokes actually irk me at this point i'm like give it up yeah post 2014 shrek jokes irk the fuck out of me like that's the most brand new movie like gaping hole ran through like that hold on

wait need stitches ran through that shit like gaping hole about what like something about that just irks me like i don't know i can't do the shrek shit like i can't something about like somebody who used to work at buzzfeed and a sh meme. Like that's where it lands for me. Yeah. A Shrek. Uh-uh. Okay. Well, I, sorry, I went, fell silent because I fully agree with that, but I have to, I'm

copying the rest of my notes for this episode. Well, I'm going to do media. How about that? Should I do Psyop first? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Body is tea, bitch, you're boba. You wrote that one right yeah that's really good actually well it was bitch your burger but i stepped up and said boba and i was like keep that yesterday yeah drew it into flow state and switch it up for boba and i was like crying

safe sex stinks got that whole room smiling like spit in birthday party balloons. Wow. That's good. White people stay calling the police on everyone but their son is building a bomb

in their basement. But their son that's building a bomb in their basement. Girls ask for help opening a jar but throw furniture

during arguments. Right, right. Did you just hear my stomach? No. It growled. McDonald's pancakes don't even absorb that syrup. That's how you know

they're made of soup. Fuck off. McDonald's pancakes don't even absorb syrup. That's how you know they're made of shoe insoles. That, my God. McDonald's pancakes don't even absorb syrup. That's how you know they're made of shoe insoles. That was from Jade. Inya and I are like Romeo and Juliet, except she doesn't like me,

and I'm going to just kill myself. Okay. You post-surgery. Yeah, literally. Inya is so fine, I deadass roll up my car windows when she farts ew

did someone send that someone sent it but I just added your name oh okay but I don't remember who said it um okay that's the tea that's all and that's all folks Emmy now Emmy now and I am the new one.

Okay. My media of the week is DNM by Mick G. Supercut by Lorde. You're hurt, you're hurt. And Just Because I Really Love You by Jerry Butler, lord and just because i really love you by jerry butler the draw in room do feelers and that's fucking it and fetch the bolt cutters the album guys i literally have to fetch the bolt cutters you literally have to okay mine is the poor thing soundtrack specifically we i just hope she's all right bella um and then i was listening to the dude who made that album's music and he has

an album called winterisi um his name is jerskin fendrix. And he has a couple really weird esoteric songs that don't make sense at all. And then we'll do Parasite Nick Drake, Once I Was Tim Buckley, So Real Jeff Buckley. Ooh, I ate. Ew. Ew. Buckley so real Jeff Buckley ooh I ate ew um and then Hope Sandoval

just her in general or Hope Sandoval and the warm inventions both and Mazzy Star alright guys that's it thanks for watching did I watch any movies or shows oh bitch i'm back on my young sheldon shit y'all gotta tap in i swear to god i bet every single person can see a little

bit of themselves in little young sheldon and i bet if you watch that you are like so annoying for watching that show i hate that oh this isn't it and you know what you know it reignited it for me i saw once i or when i saw a clip on tiktok in two um when i went on that like warner brothers lot studio tour with my oh yeah they filmed it there and it's all they talked about on the tour and i was like damn that's like a vibe like i love this show and now when i watch the show i'm looking for the soundstage that they recorded it in and you really can't tell and that's just movie magic baby TV show magic

Young Sheldon you're gonna watch no bitch I'm not watching that oh wow alright bye oh god it's like we landed the plane guys we made it All right, bye. Oh, God. It's like we landed the plane, guys.

We made it. It's like you clapping at the end of Dune 2. Bye.