Emergency Intercom - Halloween Special

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Drew and Enya become even eviler versions of themselves. Be warned, there is a treacherous visitor who may cause flash bang like symptoms and memory loss in this episode. Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it the way you were before the camera um welcome back to this episode of emergency Incom, this is the Halloween episode. Dude, I like actually cannot like...

Yo. Can you guess who I am? Papa. Papa. Can you guess who I am? Papa. I've got all the props and everything. I know, you kind of killed it last minute. Yeah, this was literally constructed today. I'm the grandpa who ate a quart of paint and didn't realize it wasn't yogurt

until his grandson or son came in and was like, wait, you ate a bunch of paint and wiped it all over your body. That's who I am. And I'm the fucking devil. Yeehaw. Like for the 80th time in a row in my life. But no, it gives. Yeah, it literally looks good. Like this is your best iteration yet.

Like you turned out this look. And also it's crazy that we threw these together in, like, five minutes. Yeah, I was shocked how easy it was to do this makeup. But some people, I was actually thinking, like, never am I like, God, I'm so, like, talented. But some people can either do it or they can't. They can't. They either have it or they don't. Yeah, you have it or you don't.

You can either put fake paint on your lips or you can't you know i want that to stain so bad no i was washing my hands to get it off my fingers because i was like i don't want this to get everywhere and it started staining and that was only after like five minutes of it being on um and i'm absolutely terrified because if i have to walk around new york with my lips painted like this like i'm gonna freak the fuck out i'm actually gonna have a connection i will a push comes to shove if anything there it'd be like the lightest stain and it'll last like i'll just put some concealer on i was gonna say i got some red lips you also don't leave till monday so you're good i got some red lips i'll put some red lips on yeah i just put

some lipstick on when it was wet it looked really good because it looked like paint when i gave it to the kitchen and you were like alone looking at a reference picture and like putting it on and you turned and you actually had it all over your hands it looked like i can just put a little bit more on it just adds to like the whole vibe of the look like it makes sense aren't you scared of like getting it in your mouth um i've already crossed that bridge you know it's like when we were playing with oh that's a good like halloween related story but it's not at all when we were playing with fake leftover blood we didn't it started burning my mouth we didn't read you were supposed

to put it in your mouth and you put i drank like a quart of it and my mouth started tingling and we read the bottle like after we did the whole bit and like my mouth it was not supposed to be in my mouth at all not at all but that's okay sometimes sometimes comedy kills are you it's like it's like it tingles you know here's um here's a tip is you yeah you suck on your finger to get that i did drag for 10 years i know that trick um but yeah this is the halloween special halloweener um i'm loving the vibe so far we we got some lights going on in here yeah we've got a whole different vibe actually also before we get into the episode we would like to announce that we officially have started a patreon the patreon um please help us fund this please fund our podcast because as you can tell we have had zero sponsorship so far um we're hoping

that changes soon but we thought why not make you pay for a community yeah you you're sitting there and you're alone and you don't have anyone to talk to and we thought you know what we love you so much we're gonna make you pay money exactly to be a part of a little community with us it's on your teeth it's like scaring me it's on your teeth oh wow it's really like this like go like it's like pulling on your teeth oh it's really in there um it'll dry soon though oh fuck um but yeah we we started a patreon um we're actually really excited about it there's some content already on there um there's some extra halloween content there's some extra halloween content um yeah we'll just be throwing up extra episodes whenever we kind of feel like it like

at least once a month twice a month maybe we'll be throwing up extra episodes treating patreon like personal twitter since we don't have twitter so that i that i'm excited yeah just like it's to be heard blowing that shit up yeah um yeah we're gonna throw a discord in there so we can have like a little discord community. We'll do live streams and Q and A's, um, for certain tiers. Um, but yeah, we're really excited about it. Um, it's, it's very foreign for us. Something we've never done before.

I have no idea how it really works. We're figuring out as we go, but it's fun and that's what matters. As long as it stays fun. The second it starts to hurt my brain, I'll let you know. We're cutting that shit off. Get the fuck out of my face. But yeah, that'll be linked in the bio. If you want to do it, do it.

If you don't, fuck you. I don't care. Fuck you. And if you don't subscribe, you're the sole reason this show gets canceled. I'm sorry. You're the reason you're never going to see it again. I'm literally trying to look at the notes because my brain just went my brain just went blank and i was like i need to look at the notes to keep up to what we have to do right now

and it's literally read drew's notes pocket pussy those are the notes for the episode that's what we got going on um but okay so while i was back in texas um it was it was the week and a half of realizing things for me like genuinely like i realized a lot of shit um and yeah i just i i wrote them down because i was like it's not good shit it's it's not it's something i should have known or like should not be so excited to talk about but um the first one i'll start off like easy like i'll start off like okay whatever like whatever um but the first thing i realized was um when i'm back in texas uh a lot of republicans come up to me and they start spouting the republican bullshit in my face and just like like they feel so comfortable like saying the most gnarly shit and i i never knew why i genuinely never understood why i was like

i'm pretty open about like my political stance online like if you know me like yeah you know where i stand um and then i realized like the reason why they come up to me and talk to me all the fucking time is because i'm constantly cosplaying a republican like i look i literally look like a republican yeah the whole white trash look is like in la it gets read a certain way but literally in redneck ass areas like it's yeah it's still seen as like we're together we're together in this yeah no if you hear this you know what i do please save us chomp 2021 please save us no um but when i do when people come up to me and say that shit i just nod my head and say yep and i just let them keep talking and spiraling and like i've gotten some crazy fucking like takes and like conspiracies and just heard some really

insane shit that like have made me grown as a person you should when they start talking to you just start saying nonsense back but like not nonsense like making shit up but if they're like and do you agree you should be like yes and no when she uh when she went to the store and we came back in the horse and like the horse pooped and then we cleaned it and then um so they actually think i'm batshit crazy girl what how did you how did you do that i don't know i thought of like a petting zoo and like a like a And then I thought of Six Flags. Okay. This one is like the kicker.

Like this one is actually like, y'all will look at me. Do you think I'm going to actually be like, oh my God, so true? Potentially. No, no, no, no, no. You're literally going to freak the fuck out. So I found out that pads stick to panties and not directly onto the vagina back in Texas. I thought it was like a sticker that you put directly onto the skin. And I always was like, oh, they probably mastered the science of the stick. So it didn't stick in cubes.

Mastered the science of the stick. Because I always didn't like stick in cubes science of the stick because i always heard like it always falls off or it falls out but like now i realize it's because it's sticking to the panties and not to the vagina how would that even work if it was sticking to your coochie then you would bleed onto it and it would detach is that why you thought it fell off that's what i'm saying no they mastered the science of the stick because like it doesn't pull out pubes see there i i just i had to work around you know um well i remember the first time i used a tampon or tried to use a tampon i didn't understand that you were supposed to like put it like push the like thing in so i left the plastic like the like the like prongy plastic part have you ever seen a

tampon like old school like plastic one i've done that like because like you put it up your butt to like stop diarrhea and like i've done that too where like you leave the plastic in and it like just stays up there what the hell you put it up your butt you put tampons up your butt no does anybody else like do that wait actually also i i think i don't know if tampons still come with that plastic like you should have put tampons up your butt i don't even think you should be putting tampons in your fucking coochie because i just i don't fuck with tampons i never did i agree tampon i think we should get rid of periods oh i thought you're gonna say like i think we should free bleed or something yeah no i think we should figure out a way to get rid of periods

and that's on period i'm just like see i'm written by a woman i'm written by a woman i'm for the girls like i'm here for y'all like i'll fight where whoever i have to fight if i broke both both of my wrists and i like couldn't put in my diva cup would you put my diva absolutely without a second thought like i'd get in there and like i'd fold it up and spread it open and just that's not how wait what would you fold my like my my vulva yeah i'd like fold it out you like roll it and you know like when you roll hair and you put the hair clip in it you my like my my vulva yeah i'd like fold it out you like roll it and you know like when you roll hair and you put the hair clip in it you do that to my vulva yeah and then i'd really take um some time to try to find the clitoris that's a psyop that clitoris doesn't

exist um technical difficulties that's what happens when you call the clit a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie. It does. It does exist. And it gives me power. Can you show me later? I was going to say something so fucking like foul and just like.

It's a Halloween episode. No, it's like sexual. Like if there is like a freak out there who like wants ever like a audio snippet of me saying something disgusting it was like so sexual it's some shit you would say during sex when you're like really feeling yourself and i almost just said it but i was like oh my god like that would be crazy not allowed not allowed no that's patreon content yeah subscribe to patreon if you want to see in your flicker bean talk about my pearl polish your pearl still that that's not my joke every time i look at you for too long i like look at the way you look

yeah so talking about coochies or whatever oh but, but yeah, I was saying I don't, I only use Diva Cups. Although this last period, because I was home alone and I was just editing, I just like sat around in my period panties, like a little diaper all day. I support that. All the time. Like legitimately, I know it's not my place to speak, but I'm like free bleed. That's not free bleeding though. Free bleeding is like you have no pad no tampon no

period panties like you're just letting it go you're just letting it you're letting it we should free the period and free the nipple i want to soak up the blood i'm gonna me when i'm a tampon what song is that what is that I want to soak up the sun. I want to tell everyone. The spot where the sun doesn't shine. My butthole. You know what I've always wanted to try? Is you know how people are like, oh, if like if your butthole saw more sun, you'd be happier. Like those people.

Yes. They charge their assholes with the sun. I want to be one of those people i need to that's why i need to move to like a rural area so i can like go stand outside and like just like spread it open and put it into the again not something i need to like verbally like explain but yeah that yeah i want to expose my hole to the sun more but the reason we were going to talk about holes was um we were literally going to talk about how we used to just hang out in sex shops yeah but i don't even know if there's a story there we

literally just used to hang out like it was absolutely like it wasn't like erotic it wasn't funny we weren't laughing yeah we weren't there to make fun of anyone we weren't like people watching we were legitimately just there like hanging out and just like seeing what's what yeah what's new like let's see let's see the new technology some of that shit is fucking crazy but it's literally investment pieces like a good wing bot is like 200 which is crazy but it'll last you a lifetime but it's it's 200 but that's a small price to pay for happiness exactly that's a small price to pay for high standards for the rest of your life. But yeah, we used to just like hang out.

I think I'm comparable to a vibrator. I think I get the job done. You're like 10 minutes after saying that the clip is a psyop and it doesn't exist. But yeah, we used to just hang out there. And I don't know why we stopped. You know what it is? It was like how we would hang out in like CV don't i don't know why we stopped you know what it is it was like how we would hang out in like cvs and rite aid for a while or not rite aid walgreens um actually are you a cvs rite aid or walgreens girl growing up i frequented walgreens

um but now i'm a cvs girl yeah as i got older and it's more sophisticated i was a CVS girl. Yeah, as I got older and it was my choice, I was a CVS girl. I actually think of the three, I think Walgreens would be considered more sophisticated. See, I feel like Walgreens is more like old person. I guess that's why I associate it with sophistication because I'm like, y'all are like bones. Yeah. Yeah. Walgreens, old. Rite Aid is just like...

Rite Aid is scary to me. It's like the outlier like rite aid i used to think that there was only rite aid in like northeast of america because the first time i ever went to a rite aid it was in like boston with like dana and jake oh is that the night where you just walked there and it was freezing fucking cold yes and i bought like a funky hat and then my pants ripped and that's what i remember for that night but yeah that was the first time i went there and then i remember i bought like makeup funky hat and then my pants ripped. And that's what I remember from that night. But yeah, that was the first time I went there. And then I remember I bought like makeup on the website because it was like $2 for everything. Because like I think Rite Aid almost went out of business or something and they were selling things for really cheap.

And I was like, damn, this place would be cool if it existed. If it was real. If it was anywhere else. And then I found out it's like literally. Rite Aid is a literal liminal space. Every time I go in there, I freak the fuck out. I went in there the other day and I hung out in there for so long. And I was, it was like fucked up.

And I was just walking around. Like I was walking back and forth. Like I was even contained to one area of the store. That's what they do to you. Like, you know, that one hallway, I was like walking across it a bunch. And the workers started like kind of hanging around me because rightfully so i was wearing this dress with blue jeans under it and my uggs stuffed in and the jeans were stuffed into my uggs and then my big poche hat and sunglasses and i had like a big thing of

cafe bucello hey i'll send the picture to kai yeah because i was literally like hanging out with it like on my head and i had a jacket on top of all that and it was like it was one of the hottest days of the week it was like 87 outside and that's how i was dressed like walking around writing hell no yeah literally i don't know i just feel like they like pump like a like a gas into the air that just makes you lose consciousness and then you just buy a bunch of shit because every time i'm in right now sephora i buy literally everything i like spend like 300 on candy every time i'm in rite aid sephora i buy literally everything i like spend like 300 on candy every time i'm there it's like ridiculous so to be fair you're just like a snack person yeah but i guess yeah i do the same thing i like bought i bought like socks

i literally somehow spent like 37 and i went in there for coffee i was like i'm gonna go in and buy my coffee and then i walked out with like three different drinks to try and i even thought about buying a bottle of wine because I was like, maybe I'm at that age where I just have a bottle of wine in my house and I have a cup of wine. And then I was like, yeah, I'm going to start that journey on my right. Like, hell no. Yeah, I feel like that in Sephora. And then there's another store that I was just in recently that I was like, dude, I have to get I have to get out of here.

Like, we have to get the fuck out of here because I'm losing my mind but we were in there i think together have we gone anywhere no or was it with orion i think i was at spirit halloween and i was like i actually need to get the fuck out of here like i was freaking out because i was like there's so much happening there's so many people here that's also a terrifying place went today to get some face paint especially the closer it gets to halloween the scarier it gets in that bitch like you like they should just turn it into a maze on halloween night and turn off the lights and throw people around throw everything in the middle and you have to like dig through the pile to get to it that sounds fun i saw um i'm literally overheating like i'm over fucking heating like i'm dying

you're having fucking psychosis that was a crazy reaction i'm like you like did not mention being hot once and then you threw it off like i was trying to like um just get through it but like and also the fucking pain on my lips are like making me tweak out like i could say that i can't believe there are some people who wear i'm just different from other girls and i just like don't like kick makeup on my face like this anymore like ever um but no. I can't believe there are some people who wear. I'm just different from other girls. And I just like don't like kick makeup on my face like this anymore. Like ever. But no, I actually can't believe some people like spend all of Halloween night in a face paint like this because I'm.

I just want it off. I want it off now. I want to touch my face. I want to touch my eyes. I want to give myself COVID in my own home. Oh, they should make. You know how they have those little those little things to make cilantro at home? They should make that for COVID.

And they should give you little, like, test kits to make your own variant of COVID at home. No. And they could give you the Delta. No. They could give you the Delta and the regular one. And then you can use it with your own germs and see what happens. Why? You know what?

I thought about it. Like, when we were, like, coughing in those dishes, like, when I about it like when we were like coughing in those dishes like when i was like collecting like everybody's bacteria like if one of us had covid like oh that would i didn't even think about that you were fully doing that during yeah no i was like collecting everybody's bacteria during covid but i was like oh i could easily like collect someone's covid actually that's not how fucking viruses work i'm dumb as shit never mind i was just like you know how like the cultures grew or whatever but that's just bacteria being pretty but i was gonna say i was gonna commit bio warfare and just like

release it you know what's bio put it on your pillow um azul's fucking hot ass breath i went to go like to church today and she was yawning and i literally almost fell i almost collapsed i almost collapsed the way i did when i opened that letter for the IRS. Oh my God. I wish we got that on video. I literally started crying. That was, that was actually like traumatizing for me. Like when, you know what else was traumatizing for me this morning that I didn't tell you, but like when I walked in the room and you started like, you were like, I thought Azul was dead because you were like doing it so well.

I was like, oh my God, my heart dropped and it started racing really quick. And I was like, that's why I walked away. And then when you were walking back to the, because I thought it was real. And you're like, are you, did you leave the door? I just like played it cool. But I genuinely thought Azul died. And I was like, I was like, oh my God. Oh my God.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And I started panicking, but. I feel so bad. Yeah. I'm just like an actress. I know. No, that's, that was my first thought. I was like, damn, like know what to do. I don't know what to do. And I started panicking, but. I feel so bad. Yeah, I'm just like an actress. I know how to like. No, that was my first thought.

I was like, damn, like she killed that role. Like Disney needs to sign her. She killed that role. The only question is me like yelling at my cat when I wake up. Disney, sign her. No, we need to talk about the fact that Azul has been avoiding the IRS and she was underpaying her employees. So that she could get away with doing less work and she was being cost efficient but at what cost like her own life she's going to jail yeah azul's going to federal prison i'm just i just want to be

real like you know what's actually scary sorry i'm i'm have not had like a good meal and this uh i've had so much caffeine so i am like going on an insane amount like yeah um i saw this tiktok that this girl was like freaking out because she didn't realize that the payment from the creator front fund was categorized as like um self-employment and she didn't realize she had to pay taxes back on that and she was freaking the fuck out because she was like i just got a letter from the irs saying that i owe all this money and i don't fucking have it and i was like welcome to the real world that dude that is so scary though and i feel like that happens with almost every creator it's like you're making that

like money off of it and you're like oh this is fun i'm making money off the internet i'm gonna start reporting every creator to the irs and taking like 20 of their because that they have a clause where if you report someone who's not paying their taxes you you get like 10 you get 10 of like what they owe um i forgot to say that um my hair is gray but do you know how I made it gray? How? I sprayed dry shampoo in it. A lot of dry shampoo. I'm a genius. You're a genius.

We're a genius together. Like, why did you want to mention that? I don't know. I just thought it was, like, creative. That is cool. Thank you. That is cool. Thank you.

Don't ever fucking speak again. I know. He always just thinks he has to just, like Don't ever fucking speak again. I know. He always just thinks he has to just like have a fucking word in what we do. You know what, Kai? Get over here. Come on. Come over here and sit on mommy's lap. Actually, you don't have to.

No. Do your fucking job. Stay behind the computer. Here, I'll record you and we'll just put this clip in. One day we just, when we have the the budget you can have your own little camera okay okay guys you get your own little camera in the in the very very very right corner very very small and you only and you only get shown when you laugh i edit the video as big as i want how about you shut the hell up and i'm gonna oh wait we have pumpkins oh i know no i'm like save it for the page

you have to go to patreon my leg is so numb oh my fucking god oh my god it's literally non-existent. No, no, it doesn't. Dude, I haven't felt this in so long. I feel that every single time I want to play. It feels kind of good. No, it's at the point where it's pins and needles and if you move it an inch, it just electrocutes me. Don't even fucking play with me right now because I'll kick you. You won't be able to. It'll hurt you. um but yeah that's that like there's another one that i like like a thing that i realized but i didn't like bring up um but i decided like i don't like soup. I think soup is lame as hell. I think...

We'll fucking stop it. I just think it's not chill. Like, I think, like, everyone's lying when they say they like soup. You haven't had, like, a good-ass fucking soup. And I refuse to. I don't want that. I don't care. I feel like I've made decent soup.

No, you've made really good soup. But, I mean, like... You mean you wouldn't... You would never go out of your way to like pick soup yeah like if i'm at a restaurant i'm not fucking getting a bowl of soup like are you out of your goddamn mind i don't know like you're just a child it comes with age one day when you're mature you'll understand oh yeah yeah i love soup i'm a soupy girl soup girls are the best what is that audio on tiktok soup girls i don't fucking know um but i grew up eating soup literally every sunday because my mom would make um sopa de carne there's a different name for it but i don't know it but it's like beef soup um pero sopa de carne

como se dice como se dice me voy a chupar un pinga como se dice me voy a bail, me voy a chupar un pinga, me voy para la calle, me voy a bailar, me voy a chupar. Me voy a fumar marihuana. I say bailando con mis lice. I was saying, I need to put on a shirt, soy un puta, te encanta bailar, chupar y fumar. So, I am a slut. I like to

dance, drink, and smoke. And I'm hot. Dance, drink, and smoke. I think that's what I said. I don't even remember. You don't know Spanish, babes. I do. Say something to me and I bet I know it.

Yo tiene ganas de cagar porque me tomaste un montón de café. I had too much caffeine today and I'm shaking. No, but you were close. I said I need to shit because I've had too much coffee. I heard caca i did hear caca in there yeah okay you can you can get around i'd like pick up i pick up on some things um i've picked up a thing thing or two being around you what the i'm like what the fuck does that mean literally it means i speak spanish oh my god i forgot to call my mommy

no one talks about the the epidemic of growing up and like not calling your parents anymore and being bad at it you're really good at talking yeah i'm like i'll just like hit him up every once in a while yeah it's either that shit to do like you don't have anything else to do i'm bored as shit and i'm like you know like i haven't talked to my mom in like three days like i'm gonna call her and hopefully my dad's around i feel like i wake up every single day. I'm a good son. What can I say?

Kai's laughing at me. You're a mommy's boy. Yeah. I don't know. What's so funny about that, Kai? No, nothing. You just like, you're like a simp for your parents. Oh my God.

I feel like I am too. But I don't, I just don't talk to them on the phone. A simp for my parents. Dude, I am such a like, i'm the worst kind of sibling like i'm always like but yeah but like think about like our parents like i i'm always the person you know how there's a sibling that takes the parent side always that's me i'm always like but yeah you're not thinking about them and my siblings are like you're not thinking about me and i'm like you think for yourself how about that i'm just a cunt like that i'm a piece of shit i'm a cunt i am a kiss ass to my parents and i'm gonna fuck like i don't care like i literally don't like what are you gonna do find me go ahead i

miss being the age where you could like fist fight your siblings though sometimes my siblings still say shit that annoys me and i want to pop them upside the fucking head um but i love them so much and they don't listen to this so i can say whatever i want they smell like shit they're ugly that's not true all my siblings have everything i literally love your siblings getting like it actually like freaks me out how much they've grown up since i've met them like it is terrifying i know like natalie is like a teenager now it it shocks me it genuinely shocks me every time you show me a picture of her and i'm like what the fuck same with leo like yeah leo's big as shit leo's tall yeah all of them that's the thing that's what i noticed when we were in miami

like leo is like growing up he's gonna be a tall ass kid. Yeah. Dante's getting big too. We talking about my like 25 year old siblings. I'm like, they're getting so tall. They're growing up. They're growing up. They're like growing into themselves. But yeah, I'm like the mommy sibling also, but we don't have to get into that. I'm not. I'm the black sheep of the family.

And that's something I realized when I was back in Texas. It was kind of a really sad realization um I was like I was like dude I'm selfish with my siblings like they are so giving to me and I fucking suck giving shit back to them so like I decided I'm gonna start being like a good brother to my siblings oh that's nice yeah I was like I just like madeline like offered me a place to stay which like is not that big of a deal like obviously like they can come over and stay whenever but then just like that just spiraled like a thought like steven was even like yeah you can borrow my car while i'm here and i was like what have i done for like y'all to like be this giving to me but

like i guess it's just like family shit but i'm like they're your family they should be yeah no but it just genuinely is like i haven't been a giving sibling and I want to change that. It's really funny to think about like, family dynamics are so different across the board. I always forget that because like, I have very traditional and like, I think what some would deem toxic ideologies of family that are like really based in latin culture or like i think just like poc culture is very like no matter what like your sibling could fucking shoot you in the feet today like you better like be there for them tomorrow like that's kind of like or it's like you're like

parents can say something really mean to you today but like that's still your parent like yeah like that ideology but i've like i've always felt like that i'm like i don't give a fuck like girl y'all can push me down well i'm gonna i'm gonna figure my way back up and be nice i'm gonna be an ass for one day but like yeah i'll be mean to you i'll spit in your pillow yeah i'm like i'm just so nice to my siblings and i grew up like spitting on their pillows and in their drinks i just thought thought about what Dante told us and we can't say it to the public, but it literally made me crack up so hard. What Dante told us at the car.

I don't remember. Trump mask. Oh my God. That was the funniest shit I have ever heard in my life. We have to have Dante on to tell that story. Yeah, because that shit was so fucking funny. was like insane and i yeah i i do want to i don't know if people would be interested in family episodes i don't know why the fuck this one's turning into like a family like no i genuinely want my family on here so bad like i want an episode with my mom i want an episode of my dad i want an episode with madeline and steven i want an episode with

maddox oh we should literally we should do an episode in miami and then in texas with my parents yeah my only thing is it sucks that my like mom can't speak english but i guess that's like that's still cool yeah we could like figure it out and you'd like figure out a subtitle i could also just like sit there translating we could like maybe figure out like specific questions for her and yeah like translate them or we could have kai sit there and work his little ass off and put fucking subtitles on we'll make him learn a new language we'll teach you something you don't know spanish you don't know spanish why lie why lie a little fucking freak also my bracelet is like i don't know if you see the scratches oh it's scratching the gold folded up yeah because

my bracelet is like real gold and just like you're on my rob list i'm robbing you later shut up i'm why have we not stolen from each other yet um because i don't think we like want something from each other that bad other than like clothing but even it's like we steal like each other's markers and shit but like we give them back each other's like food i i steal the fuck out of your food like drew's food tastes so fucking good like you're like you could order literally anything right now and like he's he knows by now i'm coming in and i'm touching yeah i just it's like a part of my life now like i have to over order just so and you can eat all of my food yeah but it's just part of it all comes out in the wash because then i i buy

food and like he eats it too like it just all works out exactly i'm literally being fucking cut the fuck up by my goddamn bracelet that's just one of the merit and many perils of like having swag like i do is sometimes like it hurts to be pretty you're so fucking it away um i'm gonna look at a topic oh also i wish i wish this could be like a proper halloween episode where we like talk about halloween experiences as a kid but not only have we said all of our like kind of scary stories in like oh actually we can talk about last night oh because we both without telling each other i randomly brought it up and he was like save this for the podcast because i had like a i don't believe in fucking ghosts we all know this like i don't believe in that shit and i still don't think this shit was a fucking ghost i think i was going through a little bit of psychosis before i

went to sleep like nothing big but i was falling asleep last night and i like was kind of like drifting off. And then I heard like fully, like very clearly a man say something. Oh, hell no. Standing in the corner of my room. And I like, this is so whack because I don't fucking believe in ghosts. Like I'm just fucking crazy. So it's not real. But I fully felt like a presence. And I like opened my eyes and turned to look in the corner and nothing was there.

And then I didn't like move my whole body. but i just turned my head and i turned my head back and azul was also looking in the corner no see cats can see shit cats see shit no i swear funky in the head no all cats do that all cats see literally shane dawson in his fucking video like recording his cat being a cat be like he sees something like he's just always seeing things like girl he sees dust yeah like he's like he sees a fucking moth one yeah um that shit scares the fuck out of me like i just went back to sleep i was like what are they gonna get me i was like what are you gonna do kill me try it well the scary thing that happened to me um is it was like

it was less at night and more like when i was waking up in the morning um and i was like deep into this like dream and i was like what the fuck like i remember consciously thinking like why am i dreaming this right now and then um i started like, like, sensation in my lower half of my body. Oh, it was a boner. No, no, no. I swear to God, I pissed myself a little bit last night. I swear to God. On my entire life, I pissed myself a little bit.

But I caught it. I woke up and I caught it before, like, I fully pissed myself. But I wet the bed last night. One time I was literally sleeping in bed with someone and I fully woke up. And I was, like, I'm, like, wet. And I was, wet and i was like oh i like peed myself a little in my sleep like and this was like a year ago no yeah i fully pissed myself last night not like fully but like no i had this you catch it yeah no i like had to wake up get out of bed like take my boxers off shower put on some new boxers and you did not shower i swear on my entire life i did i wanted so badly for you to be like yeah i didn't no i didn't fucking shower i just

like got up took my underwear off and went back to sleep see you call me a stinky bitch but it's different because i have like you know what i didn't do is i didn't wash my bed sheets okay no it wasn't enough fee to go on my bed sheets that's not what i'm talking about mine was yeah mine neither was mine mine was i'm not sleeping in a piss stain right now i just tinkled a little y'all laying in my bed like i don't squirt in it i know y'all be laying in my bed like i don't go to town like i don't go to funky town with my wingba junior um i yeah i i no go for it you just sleep in your piss dude when i go to bed i have to pee like eight times it's actually the worst part about like existing for me it's like i have to go

like tinkle because i'm just like i'm leaking like my hole is leaking every few minutes um and then sometimes I was gonna make this another sex joke every time we've ever recorded anything at night like the sex jokes the amount of sex jokes that I make just like actually goes up um because I don't have any brain power left and I'm just like um I'm just horny literally then the day bleeds and I'm horny. Mia's a tampon again. I can just. What's up with the tampon jokes?

I wouldn't use a tampon if my fucking life depended on it. I don't want plastic in my coochie, but I don't think they make them with the plastic things anymore. That design was crazy. Like, have you seen the head of a tampon? It's literally like spiky prongs. Yeah, why is it like that? It's like it didn't take a chunk out of me when I used it. it's like a biopsy every little time it's like a biopsy it takes a little chunk and you can send it off to the lab to see if it's carcinogenic when i did

use a deep for the first time i was drunk and i put it in i didn't know you were supposed to like let the air out to take it back out and i just like went to go grab it and yank it out it was literally pulling my fucking insides out and i was so fucking did it feel good oh it felt amazing does it clap is it purple is it pink are you team cream are you on the squirt team or the cream team sorry i thought i thought i heard something yeah um stop playing what is that what the fuck

no stop what is that oh my god did you lock the fucking door did you forget to lock the fucking door I forgot to lock the door oh my god what what

literally my worst fucking nightmare no no let me join you're like not even joining you're like barely in frame the funny thing about poetic justice is it's just so poetic

I still don't know if that's a fucking line from the movie. Let me, hold on. Ew. You look fucking, you look fucked up. Let's get into this show. Oh, Cruella. Oh, Cruella. Happy Halloween.

Welcome, girl. I'm just getting started, okay are you like do you actually want to like be here to be on the fucking podcast or are you gonna do your little fucking joke what is this oh it's um you put it up your butt you remember how crazy i can be how did you get here corella Oh, it's, um, you put it up your butt. You remember how crazy I can be. How did you get here, Cruella? I need to know this. I need to know this. You feeding him lies.

I'm trying to get him to fucking... Bring back my dogs. Oh, my God. Show off the outfit, because I spent a lot of fucking money on this bring back my dogs is that RuPaul sorry action oh my god

no when he was in character like I swear to god I had to hold back punches like when he did the boring bad mad brilliant thing i know i i fully i'm not kidding at this point it like it like flash bangs my brain don't oh oh my god give it back to her don't be mean bring back my dogs hold on so halloween okay okay no no no stop it stop it like no we we want we brought you on well we didn't bring you on you broke in um i was sitting in your fucking bedroom and as old uh took a big shit no like it stunk so bad i was like i can't move like it can't be too loud

and i was literally in there for a fucking hour while y'all were talking about tampons i hate looking at you from the back why because i look good don't look at me so i have to sit on the floor oh yeah we don't we we don't have any setup for guests yeah we haven't figured out the guest situation yet but we're thinking we're just're going to make them sit on the floor for now. Damn, Daniel. Humble every one of our guests. Bring your own chair if you want to be, if you want to be up to our level. Exactly.

We'll include that in the message. But yeah, we want to start having guests and this is like our first guest situation maybe. Yeah, maybe. We can bring just that. Oh my God. Hold on. I never been on a podcast. I'm trying to figure out the groove of it.

Oh, my God. Dude, you are one of the most unbearable people I've ever met. You're so chaotic. I swear, if you fucking touch my head again, Drew, I'm going to break your die. I can't stop touching it. How much can you curse on here? As much as you want. Can we do the media part already so I can get mine out?

Do you need some promo no no no yeah greer needs some promo is that what it is the fuck who's touching my head greer is going on tour if you want to get your tickets go get your tickets secondly who are you saying second link in the bio you're on my podcast bitch who are you supposed to be no costumes costumes oh i'm the devil i'm horny oh that's what i am i took that joke from my friend jester um i am the paint man who ate a quart of paint the fuck does that mean without thinking you you're literally you're gonna break into our fucking house break onto the podcast and judge our outfits okay no just i i think this will be good maybe like we'll do a little test run and if the public

doesn't fucking hate you we'll bring you back on as a real guest. Yeah, we'll bring you back. Do you have any questions for me? Yeah. So where are you from? Let the people know where you're from. I actually originally moved here from, it's like just on the outskirts of Denver. And I ended up moving to LA in like 2018, 2017. No, we met in 2018.

Yeah, we met in 2018. Yeah, we met in 2018. We met in 2018, and then my life changed. Are you okay? With what? What do you mean? You were just scratching really hard. Well, the wig. I mean, my hair itches. Maybe we should talk about when we first met josiah and how big of a fucking asshole

maybe you should let me tell the story that for like a full episode like when he's a proper guest or should we let like oh yeah we'll just we're gonna i'm gonna kick you off if you don't stop screaming okay can i do one scream okay ow ow ow Dude, it's so fucking hot. I know, that's my reaction too. This is what we go through every single day. Okay, what do you do? What do you do? What do you do?

I'm a freelance stand-up musician. Stand-up musician? Without Yankovic? Bo Burnham. Bo Burnham. Bang aic. Bo Burn-dom. Bang a bitch. Bo Burn-dom. I have been...

Yeah. Bitch. Fucking cunt. All right. I've been... See, it feels wrong, though, because it feels like I'm down here and you guys are bullying me. Exactly.

No, we're not. That's exactly the case with every guest. And you guys are older than me, so... Keep fucking talking. Ow! All right. I'll put your wig back on. No, please please don't it actually itches a lot um just i was cruella hold on so now you're josey i'm in the band um talk to us okay um wait y'all ask me

these fucking questions like you don't fucking see me every goddamn day no we're asking for the people you have you better you better gain fucking interest from them because if they don't want to hear from you you're never gonna show back coming back and you're not getting the promo this is this is your shark tank moment okay no no let's talk about field trip okay hold on no okay here's the thing i i do want to do a serious episode with you but actually i don't know if people fucking care about you babes they do they do why wouldn't they look at me I actually I can't see myself cause okay

so what do I do I'm in the band and I'm actually going on tour damn girl you're killing it damn Daniel listen okay how about I just tell some jokes alright yeah that could be good yeah

okay I was watching squid games and Daniel. Listen, okay. How about I just tell some jokes? Alright, yeah. That could be good. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, I was watching Squid Games and hold on, because I didn't know we were doing Damn Daniel the whole season with all the white bands. White band sales. White band sales have gone up 800% since Squid Games came out.

And it was like, we were doing damn Daniel. Every episode I'd be like, damn Daniel, back out of the game on the white man's. Y'all should get James on here. What? James Charles?

James Charles and James Gordon. This is our open invite. James Charles, we know you really like us and you miss us. Give us a call. Hit us up. We'll give you a second chance. We'll be brave enough to give you a chance.

Hey, who are you talking to? Why are you talking to Kai? We don't talk to Kai. Wait, this is the first time y'all get an opportunity to have two conversations at once. Like, I'm talking to Kai. No, that's me doing that.

That's like the worst podcast ever. It's okay, someone can talk to me. Wait, we should actually do a podcast like that where it's two people talking at a podcast like that go on your own and you find someone to talk to you you don't come here and i'll do a podcast with you guy no don't comment below okay i love you i love you kai oh it's so hot in here oh no no uh fuck you very much okay ask me something um do you need help no okay that was weird that was like took you long to say um oh i know no no what's

oh what's your favorite song what's your favorite song right now girl what's your what's your favorite song damn's how James Corden starts out karaoke so what do you want to do for this episode my my favorite song I've never seen so much of your legs

they look good though right come on tumblr oh my god my favorite song is probably Number One. What? By Pharrell Williams? Yes. No, you're just saying things.

No, I'm not. Number One by Pharrell Williams. Dude, oh, my God. That is not your favorite song. Right now it is. Really? You're a little skateboard Pete. Come on.

Oh, you're a tweaker. You're tweaking out. You're like dope sick. No, that is my brother that's not me let's talk about my family do you need us to cut that out actually no oh my god um should we harmonize real quick okay yeah yeah let's harmonize with you jury you start no i'm not starting please no you start because i'm good You have to start because neither of you know how to actually harmonize. Fuck you. Josiah, you try to lower it.

Wow. See, this is the most put together the podcast has ever been because I'm here. I'm going to pull your hair really bad. You guys should comment down below to get me back next week. You should get extensions. I don't want to get extensions in you. I cut my hair for a reason. Okay.

I want to be able to interview Josiah, but I think he should just get out now. Ooh. Are we going to do media? Oh, my God. Are we going to do media of the week? Yeah, we'll do media of the week, and you can do media of the week. We'll do a few more questions, and then we'll do media of the week? Yeah, we'll do media of the week. We'll do a few more questions and then we'll do media of the week.

So, Cruella, should we interview you as Cruella? You guys didn't like it. You told me to take it off. We did and you should keep it off. No, you should take it all off. Oh, damn. No. Okay.

I've never been rejected like that. Okay, so Uncle Ben From Spider-Man Okay no What's your fucking favorite Media of the week like you're greeting Me out I don't know if you can tell but I Fully like have not been here for the

Last 10 minutes of this episode It's okay baby come on Nope What time are we i know you're wearing red but it doesn't seem like like you're santa claus i don't think um should i read an excerpt from my lemony snicket book or no yes that would be amazing but maybe i'll save it for the next episode yeah that'd be good we could do it the one after that one too but in all seriousness if you the one after that what do you mean it's three three people in a podcast that

would be a good idea actually that's like are you asking for a job like we like we can't like i don't need a job i have a job i'm signed to a record label okay i believe you you don't have to like do you want to be on our podcast regularly? Yeah. Nope. Okay. My media of the week is Squid Games for TV shows. Okay. I think I've watched, I've seen it twice. Also the new season of You. Oh, he's been watching You.

I've never seen You. Oh, hey You. We should do a parody. Joe. Sleepy Joe. Joe Biden. Wait, also no one's talking about that Joe Biden being the main character in You Dude no one's talking about Joe Biden

Calling his wife Joe Biden My wife Joe Biden Girl we're not talking about it He's better than Trump but our commander in chief Is like withering away every single day That motherfucker is gonna die We need to change

the narrative age for what we need to change the narrative the age to change the ideas in the narrative exactly yeah no i was saying we need to change the age requirement to be oh my god we need to change the age requirement of being a president we We should let a 19-year-old be president. Yes, yes, yes. To our 20-year-old. Oh, my God. Josiah, is that you announcing? You want to be president?

Okay, yes. I do actually believe we should change the age. You have to be born on May 6, 2001. Check the famous birthdays, please. Pull it up. Pull it up, Kai. Pull it up. Where does your famous birthday say you're born?

For some reason, okay, yeah, I'll'll talk about that because everyone always asks about it for some reason it says it i was born in hong kong china i wasn't born there um but somebody submitted it because i didn't submit shit to them they asked me for my age and my birthday and i told them um i don't know how they know everything else but i tried to change it wait does everybody who's on famous birthday email them back and say, my birthday is here and here? Yeah, I did it when I was like 14. I did it too.

They're so ugly. I did it when I was 18. I'm going to start calling paparazzi on myself. I'm going to join the fucking club. Should we do it? I tried it and he blocked me. No, I guess the problem is I'm like, no, I want them to take pictures of me seriously. But yeah, because fucking Hollywood Fix wants the pictures of Enya, you mans are walking

to her Ford Fusion. Walking to my Ford Fusion in the Air One parking lot. We should start calling the paparazzi on ourselves. So Phoebe Bridgers and Bo Burnham, huh? You guys should make this a smoky drama show. Like, talking about drama. What? Okay, what does the smoky have to do with that?

Like, it's like, so. What is that? Damn, Daniel. damn daniel um damn damn damn all right what okay so your song is do real media okay um wait i think squid games and you is the real medium for you have you actually watched squid games twice oh yeah i've seen it twice almost three times um actually my media of the week genuinely is something that people don't talk about enough is cruella not even joking no not even joking you saw it it was a good movie no it's genuinely a great movie

but when you do it it's not it changes everything for me it is the least enticing thing ever and that's why I haven't seen it yet cause my only like pointer to watching Cruella is fucking you you're only boner to watch Cruella what the fuck are you talking about?

Wait, did I say boner? Okay, no. I do have a boner. We're not talking about when we were setting up and you was like, is this light? Do we look flattered? Do we look flatter? Cut it. My media of the week, though, is probably Cruella.

I've seen it 12 times, almost 13. That's not an exaggeration, by the way. It's not. He had texted me every single time he's watching it. You bought it on Disney Plus. Yeah, before it was free to stream i bought it 20 but 30 bucks you got worth it baby worth it um i mean you have gotten every penny out of that god damn that's my movie um one and my song is come together by the beatles um no i don't know what song. Was it not actually Number One by Pharrell Williams? No, girl.

I just said Number One. Number One, baby girl, you and me. That's a hit to me. Mine is Come Again by M. Flo. I've been listening to that one a lot. I don't know what that is. Okay. You can go, Drew.

Yeah, you go. Josiah just can silence a room. He can really just do it. It's so fucking hot in here hurry okay uh my media of the week uh is born slippy by underworld i blasted that 30 times in the car today i listened to it over and over and over again um claire de loune number three by claude debussy or no that's his name claude debussy you just said pussy no claude debussy are we allowed to say that on there it is claude debussy i thought it was debussy then portophone uh portofino one by raymond scott no we got to keep that one a secret no we're i'm done gatekeeping i got called then Portafone Portafino 1 by Raymond Scott no we gotta keep that one a secret

no I'm done gatekeeping I got called out for gatekeeping last week and it pissed me the fuck off I'm gonna shoot the next person to say something mean about me anyways my media of the week my songs are starting over by LCD and the search for God break in action by Scarface and MF Doom

I want you to love me by Fiona Apple and please please me by Fiona Apple and please, please, please by Fiona Apple. Damn. Fuck you. My video media of the week is scenes from a marriage. I want Oscar Isaac so fucking bad and

I need to get to him in the next five years. Oh wait, he has a wife. Never mind. I need to get to him in the next five years because he is not... Hey, homewrecker. I need to get to him in the next five years because he is not. Homewrecker. Ruin that family. Hey, homewrecker. Wait.

How old is Oscar Isaac? I don't know if he's. I didn't know Siri was a guest on this show. Maybe talk to the real one. Maybe I know. You know? Why would you know? Oh, God. I actually have been around.

Have you been? Have I been? I've been actually awful. If you want to know the actual truth, he's not lying. He's not lying. Fuck, Oscar Isaac is 42. I fuck. He's married though.

Don't. After saying something like that, we need to reel it back in, people. I'm so upset. This is so upsetting. Should we tell them about what we're writing his pregnant with her second child this is the worst news ever you should ruin that family delusional like oh my god i can't ruin that family wait claire delusional okay that's it for the episode okay but genuinely if you wantiah back, not as a monster and as a freak,

and he has to promise that he's not going to be a freak tweak. Show me the money. We didn't plan any of this. No, we have good questions. We'll have stories to talk about, but we just kind of wanted you to. We wanted you to get a feeler, Bebs. But I don't know if I want you back after the way you behaved today. Are you going to ask me how my experience was?

Because I'll tell you. How was your experience? It was fucking awful. It's hot as shit in here. There's candles lit for some goddamn reason. We're setting the mood. It's 97 degrees. You made me wear this trench coat.

It's the mood. I had to wear a wig. Kai's here just fucking watching me. That's his job. Yeah, I know. His job is to watch. Get somebody else with, somebody with less threatening eyes. Damn.

Kai has very soft, Kai has really puppy eyes. No. That's really sweet. Shut up. I see, I see through you. I see through you.

Okay, that's it. This is the most Kai spoken in an episode too. And we'll make sure that doesn't happen next time. Yeah, cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out.

Right? Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. All right, cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out. Bye. Thank you for watching this episode.

Have a safe and happy Halloween. Make sure that if someone gives you something that isn't candy, you don't take it. And if they give you pills, take them. Not right now. What is that? It's actually really offensive. Oh oh see you guys on next week no i'm kidding emergency alert emergency in a in a scope oh my god get up and show them your outfit you already did i just want them to get another look. Show the socks. You're kicking your mic. You're kicking your mic.

Ew. You're a woman. And I've got nothing under you. Okay, bye. The devil wears nada. Do that joke where you go, the devil wears nada. Okay, bye.

Bye, guys. guys