Emergency Intercom - HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME

Episode Date: January 24, 2025

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and free fast-streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit FlyPorter.com and actually enjoy economy. Breaking news, breaking news, error, error, glitch, glitch. We have something excited we want to show and announce. Excited? We have something excited, Drew? I've been missing the... Try again. Start the sentence over.

We have something so excited that we want to... Kai, cover the camera. Cover the camera just cover the camera oh oh can i show yeah um we have something exciting exciting uh we want to announce for you guys our wildflower cases are coming out on the 27th. That's a Monday, right? Monday.

Monday. Monday. Yeah, on Monday following this episode. So you got the whole weekend to prepare. And we did cute cases that are meant to go together it's for your friends you and your friends can all share and if you have more than one close friend listen the problems that start from this are not necessarily my problem make it work make it work. Aww. Cutesy, cutesy, cutesy.

I, like, don't fuck with Drew. And you're vile. Can you put my kids on your phone? I already had it on my phone for, like, two weeks. Put it back. No. I like mine better. Don't hit me Hi! We are failing the green line test right now.

What does that mean? It means you dominate me. I never really understood that. Like, I saw all the lines in those pictures of celebrities, but I always assumed it was, like, when David Dobrik's annoying ass would, like, put a circle on something on the thumbnail. Didn't he do that? Probably at some point.

Like at some point that had to have happened or somebody does that. Maybe it's Mr. Beast. It's one of those freaky ass like. Little freaky off. Little freaky off. Welcome back to Emergency Intercom. This is episode 200.

Isn't that crazy? Don't say that to me, cause I believed you. No, but we're not that far. Oh God. Oh far. Oh, God. Oh, brother. Oh, brother. Guys, as we're filming this, it's my last day of being 25. And when this comes out.

Expired. I'll be 26. I feel like it. I feel like the milk I left in the cabinet the other day where it's like you open it and you're like, I guess I could technically drink this because it's really cold. But like, do I want to take the risk? No. Girl,'s like you open it and you're like i guess i could technically drink this because it's really cold but like do i want to take the risk no girl you're still so young no i oh trust me there's too much life to live after this actually there's like far a scary amount of life but i'm excited i genuinely am i was thinking about how last year i went into the year with a really positive mindset and then bad things happened and let's just say this year i went into it with an even more positive attitude and even worse things happened not necessarily to me but like in the world so i think we need to lock me

up like we need to lock me up shut that down when'm happy, I guess no one else gets to be happy. You suck it out of everybody. Yeah. Shit. Yeah. We should just talk about the socio-political and economic state of the world right now. Bro! No, I literally was thinking that because I was like, oh, I want to talk about my thoughts for the year, but I still am trying to hold positive.

So it almost feels like I'm still trying to gather my thoughts. Yeah, I have no thoughts. Oh, about what's happening. Oh, I have no thoughts and never plan on hearing the thoughts that I maybe do have, because I genuinely am like, it's good guys. Teamwork makes the dream work. Don't let them know your next move. No, we're happy.

We're good. We're good. My thoughts are kill them all unironically like i can sit in bed and lay there and literally fantasize about changing everyone's life around me by just okay well you can't say that now drew okay okay we'll bleep what i said because i really don't want crimes but like legitimately i am the happiest most stable i've ever been in my life really yes i feel good i'm happy spiritually emotionally um feel very connected you're like mentally well right now you're like mentally good yeah and you're mentally well wait is this not kind of impressive that is impressive it is pretty impressive i thought you were gonna fall okay you're trembling like you might as well be twerking

wow this is pretty impressive yeah that shit okay Okay, you're trembling like you might as well be twerking. Wow, this is pretty impressive. I really thought you were going to fall off that shit. Okay, this is Drew's. That's my tryout. That's your audition for SNL. No, I've been. All the auditions for SNL that came out.

That's yours. Put me in, coach. Put me in. Wait, should I do an SNL audition right now? What should i do no like make an original character a british person waking up from surgery uh while the surgeons are still cutting him open oh what's all this then oh what's all this then i think he'd be more like scared and mad uh an alcoholic uh british person okay so all of them but yeah okay that was fun i can't even hold you that i'm sorry i'm sorry they're not they're not alcoholics i mean i would be too if it was cloudy every day

i think sadly most people are alcoholics and they don't realize they don't know yeah they don't even know they know about them they know oh who the fuck is coco y'all we're we're bringing coco back in a big way you didn't do your fucking thing the audition of an alcoholic you just an alcoholic british guy and then it oh it was gonna be a flop anyways like i already i already knew it was gonna you abandoned it yeah okay um what would your snl audition be um i would walk in and be like ah fuck you guys don't let the hot people talk enough i'm gonna go and then i would leave because i think a lot of the hot people like like, there's some baddies who I don't see enough. Like.

Put them in. Take the baddies. I want to see the baddies. Like, pull out the baddies. Name them. No. I can't. Because I have big, big plans. Inya really is.

I got big plans. Inya's plotting on the baddies. No. You know who I'm talking about, too. I know who you're talking about. I'm manifesting an SNL skit that's like an Emerald Cinercom parody this year.

Yeah, I think it could happen if we work hard enough. Yeah. If we work hard enough, they would fucking make fun of me, bitch. Don't put me on that damn show. No, I want it.

I want to be made fun of. I think, I think true equality is everyone getting bullied. Yeah. I mean, I like, no, trust and believe. I believe in a negative joke about somebody if it's actually funny. But like.

Don't stoop too low. Yeah, don't stoop too low. Don't hit below the belt. But also, I was stalking this girl who. You shouldn't be just stalking women. No, it's like chill. Like I follow her around and look through her windows i don't ever interact with her though she does she barely even knows of my existence i mean do you have any like plans on telling her or is it more of just is it like is it a sexual thing because you're i mean it could become one oh no that's not good um so no no i've been

stalking this girl on tiktok um and she made this video of like doing conservative makeup or whatever and like she she made a video that literally resonated with me so much and it was like the synopsis of it was like, no, I'm tired of like the Miss Rachel's like rainbow and sunshine liberals. Like we need like to become absolutely vile and mean. And like, once I become vile and mean and I start attacking them for their nasty,

rotted, gutted fucking mugs, their faces that are melting off their goddamn body, don't say shit. And so she started bullying people for their looks because they voted against everyone's rights. Literally everyone. Everyone's rights. off their goddamn body um don't say shit and so she started bullying people for their looks because they voted against everyone's right everyone's rights and they deserve it um so i think i'm gonna take a page out of i mean i already like bully elon musk and his nasty fucking mug i just literally like i'm sorry i actually am scared to say that publicly because of the amount of censorship happening online right now.

We live in an oligarchic fascist government. It's over for us, y'all, for the next four years, at least, until Trump puts in a policy where he can run again. And then by that time, he'll be dementia ridden in a diaper and shitting himself. But we'll be Morse coding his farts, which is essentially the same of just hearing what he's saying. Well, yeah, you know, shit. Like, the thing is, I genuinely don't know what to say because I actually am. I am so terrified that I am reverting to just being positive.

Like, and that, I feel like, i genuinely feel like that says so much but even with it being partially toxic positivity i do think we know what to do like i does that make sense like I genuinely feel like there has always been this layer of oppression over minority groups whether it has to do with like race sexuality gender like yada yada yada people have always made it such a point within our society to preserve important things which is crazy that the preservation i'm thinking of is rights like it's just like basic human rights but within these communities there is a togetherness that i genuinely think nothing can be it'll persevere yeah it'll persevere it'll grow stronger it'll build communities in person even stronger i think that's something I'm really thinking about in the next few years is just keeping all the people I know and love very close.

And safe. Yeah, and safe and building those communities in person. Online, it is so important, but it has, I think at this point. It's been compromised. Yeah, it's been compromised, but we've learned so much in the past four to eight years with the internet alone. And we've made so many communities. And I think just sticking down and like, huddling down, being there for your people, being there for anybody. And also just like, I don't know, it's such a hard thing to navigate. Because again,

trust and believe so many lives are being affected on so many scales and even if it's not being affected it's just causing this layer of anxiety on everybody and you can see it in everyone's eyes that there is like even the right i their their silence is terrifying i know they're like oh fuck what have we done but me and kai were talking about it and kai made good fucking points it's like there is a silver lining to this um at least they're showing us their true colors they're they're not hiding behind the fucking veil anymore like they're actively showing us who is in control and it's 20 fucking people and well that's i feel like also the weird lining is i'm trying to think about like where I want us to stand in this if that makes

sense but I do think it's a good conversation to have like on the episode because I don't want us to seem just like because we're not just like but it's it's just a hard line to walk because with all that being said and I think it is important to talk about I also do want there to be some sort of safe place on the internet still if that makes sense like i feel like there can be a balance where we can be both entertaining but you guys also know that we are not dumb we are not naive we are not ignoring everything that's happening um and i'm scared but i think existing um it's a gift it's a gift existing as a gift guys let's there's also this like sigh up that i feel like the trump administration is doing where they're like

oh we dominated like the united states is like dominantly red now and in reality not the reality they only got like three million more votes yeah also i feel like all over tiktok people are like yeah like this huge shift happened where it's like they they barely beat us like yeah it's it's so fucking insane i feel like so many people are just like damn i guess everyone's a republican now but it's like no and it's fucking working and that goddamn message has all of us literally on edge and i do think there should be some sort of awareness because like drew said we fully do live in and i can't i have said that word enough times in person and every time i say it i feel like i

say it wrong so i'm not even gonna give it to anybody because i can't pronounce anything oligarchy period okay every time i say i feel like i'm saying it wrong because it also sounds like something from fucking lilo and stitch like it sounds like the fucking oligarchy ohana means oligarchy oligarchy means family y'all we're in this together family business um but yeah we are definitely living in scary times but i do think it is important to be um very outspoken about the fact that y'all aren't gonna shut shut me up. Like what? Literally, what are you going to do? Drive me off the fucking internet, bitch. I will never shut up. One thing about me is I demand detention from the day I was born to the day I fucking die. So I am going to say everything I want all the fucking time. You already are taking my rights in every other way. So I will continue my right to be a fucking bitch and actually i wouldn't kill

any of y'all i would slap the ever-living fucking shit out of all the people front row at the inauguration i don't even want anybody who even fucks with that shit because i know there's people out there who are just in the fucking weeds and i know y'all are fucking with this i will smack the ever-living dog shit out of you if i see you in person and i know you're on that side thank you and i don't want to kill them we don't we don't no we don't believe in that on a more positive note um it is a miracle that i have a license oh my god and you literally was like unironically not even doing it as a bit like just did donuts in front of our house for some reason do a donut you did you did i did a loop around to back up into a sound like a sound effect yeah my music was too loud i couldn't hear and then yeah we thought you were joking we looked

over and you were just like dead serious like blasting your music i do that all the time like okay also i want to clarify i am a very safe driver i there was no one around trust and believe i peeked down the intersection we were right did all that i saw the car i knew you were there like i didn't care but yeah i'm just an efficient driver some people are really taking their time out there but i'm efficient and i'm safe i'm the best of both worlds yep exactly and i want to be in a car commercial that would be so fun i think actually my dream would be to be in a car commercial like any car companies honestly even like toyota burbank i'll take it like if it's filmed well i will take it i'll take the job climbing up the rock wall in a jeep Would you do a Jeep Wrangler? No.

Yeah. A Jeep Wrangler. If you drive a Jeep Wrangler, I am so sorry. I love you, but... Cut it. Get that gore out of my fucking face. Cut it. Cut it, cut it, cut it.

And I feel like a lot of people in our audience do drive Jeep Wranglers. Like it just feels like it's just a really gay car that I don't like. It's a mask lesbian car. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's very masculine. It's it's like Subarus and Jeep Wranglers. Those are like the lesbian cars.

I fuck with the Subarus though. The nice the newer Subarus are really nice. Are you saying you don't fuck with lesbians? I fuck with a specific handful of lesbians. Yes. Well, yes. Well, yes. Are you saying you hate gay people and you like Donald Trump?

Not all gay people, guys. Not all gay people are bad. TikTok was supposed to be banned. That's a whole other fucking thing. So annoying. PR campaign, duh. Meta will buy 50% of it over the next 90 days at some point, and it will be compromised.

But anyways, not to get back into my evil, dark, visceral, visceral hatred, but I had this written down because I was like, oh, TikTok's going away. Like, there's no way he'll see it. But I'll talk about it anyways because it's a funny story. What is happening? Y'all know the TikTok physics teacher? Yeah. Like the TikTok physics teacher?

Kaidi, you know who I'm talking about? Look up TikTok physics teacher. What, do you know who I'm talking about? Look up TikTok physics teacher. What is happening? Because I'm really scared. So I thought he was fine shit. Like I thought he was a baddie. But I didn't know how to approach saying he was a baddie because I was like, I'm going to shoot my shot. Wait, this guy?

No. You have to insert that. No. Yes, yes, actually. You're a good liar, though, because you asked that in a way that seemed like you genuinely believed it. You were like, oh, that's cute. But we followed each other on Instagram and we were just like chatting and talking and whatever and it was a vibe well one day oh my god it's actually so humiliating i'm not even kidding

one day i decided devised a plan you need to start actually, I want to hear how it was. So my plan was when he posted an IG story, I was going to send it to you and say, oh my God, he's fine. Like he's sexy, hot or whatever, but accidentally send it to him. Oh my God, Drew. Did he respond? Well, I did do that.

And he was like, oh, thank you. I'm straight. Oh, God, Drew. Oh, God. Hey, guys. We wanted to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, Liquid IV. Y'all, I found my new favorite Liquid IV flavor. And was I not literally bragging to you about it yesterday?

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monitors your spending, and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. I don't know about y'all, but I do this all the time. I sign up for something for the free trial. I think I have won the game of life. You ma'am won the internet that day. Only to find out that I never canceled it because I'm an idiot. And if I do something and then don't cancel it immediately, I will never be canceling it only to find out months later when I finally see in my email, oh, cool, the 18th subscription I forgot to cancel. And now my bills are way higher. And how do I explain to myself that I'm not responsible? And that's why Rocket Money is so useful because it just shows you everything. And also, fun fact,

did you know that 85% of people have at least one paid subscription going unused each month? Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash intercom today. That's rocketmoney.com slash intercom. Rocketmoney.com slash intercom. I'll read you the message verbatim. Why would you not like run that past me i did no you did not i swear to god i did i was like i'm gonna do this and you're like sure because it was like more of a

troll than anything yeah yeah oh wait was that the night um you were standing on the table in front of me and giving like a monologue i don't remember this was this was years ago this was like three four years ago oh oh i do remember this oh yeah southern s-u-g oh my god bro it's sutherland physics i think yeah so you know you're telling the story uh no but i don't give a fuck but i mean we literally had a fruitful long relationship fruitful yeah um wait did you send it to him on tiktok no on instagram this was years ago um i can't find our messages but, we've talked a lot actually. But yeah, TikTok's not banned, but that's an embarrassing story that I had.

I just feel weird because I posted a bunch of nasty whole videos because I was like, it's fucking banned. Like we're all gonna have fun. All that shit and we warned you. How did that go up? Like how like- It was getting banned. Everyone was doing crazy shit. So I thought it was fine but hole in hole people were admitting to not working out

and diet yeah like not eating the muck bangers admitting to not eating the food like like do you hear yourself you are fucking dumb as hell and like them still not posting since they posted that video and tiktok's been back for two days like which i would be shameful and that was really yourself you are fucking dumb as hell and like them still not posting since they posted that video and tiktok's been back for two days like which i would be shameful and that was really like a suicide ritual like that was like a weird like ritual we saw because also i'm confused like it really does show me the age group of everybody on tiktok the way certain people were reacting because i felt awful because obviously people are gonna to like lose their jobs. It's income for a lot of people. It's good for businesses, all this shit. But there were people who were actually acting like the internet was

done, which showed me that their only use of the internet was TikTok, which was kind of jarring. Diversify. Oh, I was saying last night, bitch i'm going pro like i'm a pro tiktok scroller like i like i really i really could go to the olympics for tiktok scrolling because i'm so good at that shit and i don't use tiktok like all you other bitches like i find weird fucking random people in the middle of america and learn every single thing there is to learn about them and i mean obscure people obscure people. Yeah, you do. You're really good at it. Like five likes, 200 views.

When you were looking over my shoulder on my TikTok the other day, I could tell everyone you wanted me, whose profile you wanted me to go to. And I was like, I'm not doing that. I knew you, I knew you could tell. I just like, I don't like doing that. Also, I found Logan Roy on TikTok.

Is that a versace suit no it's like just a random guy in a weird suit i really like his vibe though like why do i want this outfit for my birthday this is literally me should we go get me a suit for tomorrow and i could wear a suit on my birthday um before i like rudely interrupted you i don't't know. Right before I was saying TikTok scrolling, going pro. Oh, I'm so bad at it. Like I just hate. You were saying something else, but sorry, keep going. Oh, that you're really good at it? Is that what you want to hear?

Keep going? No, I was saying that I could tell when you want, like when we're going through my feed, I could tell Drew wants me to go to people's pages. And I'm just like, no, I don't want to do that. It's so fucking boring to me. It's so lit, bro. You don't get it. Like, no, it's because you're really good at it.

But also, I use TikTok. I don't know what I watch. Because every time I open the app, I don't watch through a single fucking video. Like, it takes so much to get my attention. Or it has to be immediate. Because I feel like you've seen me do it. I just like when I open TikTok, I'm just like. Yeah, it's like I literally just go through until I see something that catches my eye.

Like I'm going on there for a specific vibe. And if I don't catch it in the first few ones, I just go to Instagram. Sometimes I see like the most pathetic people on TikTok. Like I was scrolling and there's this guy on a plane and he took a selfie with an iPad. Oh, yeah. That's so crazy. Oh, the pathetic guy behind him. I know who-

That guy is a fucking loser behind him. No, no. Dude, yeah, the guy behind that guy was so pathetic. So ugly. Like, he was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. oh yeah the guy behind him that guy is a fucking loser behind the guy behind that guy was so

so ugly no i was actually talking about the guy taking the photo that guy behind him seems cool oh yeah he was the guy behind him did seem cute i like his smile i really like the plane selfie guy um well i have something the pathetic plane guy is such a bummer, though. The one behind him. No, the one in the back. It's just like, yeah, he was having main character syndrome. No, no, no. The one in the back in the comments, people were saying he looks like Luigi, has Luigi

vibes. I'm talking about the- From the game? No, from the assassination. Oh, you want to look like an assassin? Oh, yeah. That's weird. It's weird in this climate to want to look like an assassin oh yeah that's weird it's weird in this climate to want to look like an assassinator kai newman okay well i'm just saying aesthetically not like you

know ideologically oh so you wouldn't want to kill the rich okay okay yeah you're picking your side you're a bootlicker no that that fucking video taking off in that way was absolutely insane i literally could not believe the reaction it was getting because like 50 million views yes it's got like 10 million likes it was like number in the top 10 most popular videos on tiktok for the week i feel like whenever a video gets that many views it like transcends language barriers it's like something like deeply human that you're capturing it my it's like hitting like the middle east right now like it's like yeah you're worldwide yeah i've literally gone global and like the craziest thing is like when i posted it i was like oh this is just like a uh just a good a draft that i'm posting because tiktok's getting banned like it's gonna just get 20 000 likes but. But like, bro, like the amount of comments.

Guys, believe in your fucking dreams. No, believe in it. It can take off. But anyways, dollar sign Elfie coin. Dollar sign Elfie coin dropping soon. Selfie. Selfie coin dropping soon. Selfie iPad coin.

Yeah, selfie iPad kid coin. No, but we're going global, y'all. Like I'm about to do podcasts. Like Brittany Broski hit me up to do her podcast. Like, Brittany Broski hit me up to do her podcast. Trisha Paytas hit me up to do her podcast as a plain selfie guy. Ellen DeGeneres, obviously. I'm acting as his manager right now, but don't worry, guys. I'm only taking 90%.

He's getting done. He's getting kind of everything. I feel like that's so fair. Yeah. Yeah, I have a link up with a hot tour girl coming soon. But no, it was so funny. Like, people, like, it's's if you know me and you know us like it's very obvious a troll obviously a troll but the amount of comments that were like oh my

god this is so wholesome like i love his energy like he really doesn't care about anybody else around him which is very true like i really don't give a fuck i guess it yeah it is real but my favorite comment was like oh i like his smile his smile is so cute and it's you doing the this smile no that was pre that smile i think the underrated draft was the the one where it looks like you just ate poop and yeah that did not that did not take that one i feel like lick that what lick that what is that doo-doo lick that butt eat that butt eat that what um yeah the the draft um uh was very melodramatic of me and honestly i was watching i was watching them it's lead paint did you watch my story kai no i didn't see that the amount of drafts i had of me just staring at the camera with a filter

with a creepy song behind me was actually insane probably 20 more loaded up if i could yeah you had a lot of drafts that were just that it was kind of eerie yeah i was crying laughing at all the people that deleted tiktok off their phone the second it got banned and they couldn't get back in so they were having to watch it through like email and safari and shit you still can't access it right yeah it's not on the app store i thought i thought you couldn't because i send you stuff and you said you can't watch it i thought are you airing my shit out like that that's not that's like a you ever thought he's just like ignoring you and wanted it like the perfect excuse to not reply it's impossible I don't have TikTok okay

honestly TikTok's bunk as fuck like y'all yeah y'all use that app I'll be fine without it I really am at a crossroads like something about it does feel a little tainted but I'm like y'all can't take this from us like you already like you can't take it from us we'll see what happens in like i just hope it doesn't become

like what they don't have the reels algorithm i know because that's what that's what i'm worried about and i'm scared the the reason why tiktok works so well is because it actually pays random people to post so it can it can become a side hustle for them and it incentivizes them and it's like oh i can make fucking an extra thousand dollars and it incentivizes them and it's like oh i can make fucking an extra thousand dollars a month by posting on tiktok and all i do is just vlog my life like duh like i'm gonna do that and no other app has that and that's why tiktok works so well is because it's so fucking human because actually real humans are posting on it and it's not just these like social media influencers yeah like it's perfect it's perfect

down to the last minute detail and if they take away the money then it'll die very quickly the the little trump message boo tomato tomato you're a loser i didn't even read that shit i know an idiot i feel like i only read what it said when people were posting their screenshots that it wasn't working anymore. And even that, I was just typing. I was like, whatever, whatever. What's scary is it wasn't for us. It was for like the 14 to 17 year old boys that use TikTok that are like voting in the next election in four years. They see that and they're like, oh, President Trump saved TikTok.

I'm going to vote for the red party y'all are dumb enough to fucking fall for that shit i hope your mom comes home drunk as fuck and beats the living shit out of you i'm sorry i genuinely hope i genuinely hope trump gets cancer i hope his insides melt out of his ass sorry this episode is literally us like having a funny fun conversation and then it it literally it always leads back to the funk like it always but that's what i'm saying this is the last episode i'm talking about those fucking nasty ass men other than this you won't hear anything from me because i'm not giving them the time of day like i'm not wasting my time am i allowed to call him am i allowed to say that um i found this tiktok that's literally just the uh what this podcast is

two girls and the boy they bully I actually might break my neck. Can you help me? Help me, help me, help me, help me. Can you catch me by my shoulders? Wait, I'm going to slide down. Okay, just let go. Thank you. I was literally about to break my neck, actually. Like, it hurts so bad. Bro, like, we are pushing 30.

The chip fell out. I have to put that back. What chip? Oh oh a chip of the chair no um oh what are your chips yeah a uh spicy frito which i think is the best chip ever made remember when being called a local was like a read like now all we fiend for is wanting to be called local also what's so funny is like the audacity to call someone a local and everybody who said my locals was just either at college or made a rash decision to move out of their state or was a fucking loser online yeah like my locals i never i will say i never said my looks i've always loved my locals like i've always loved them no i always like i know i used it derogatory. I was like my fucking locals. I hate my locals.

But it's also because I grew up in a not even going to talk about it. I'm not going to talk about it. I grew up being called slurs. Well, I'm having the kind of period that feels like it is the period of Christmas past. Do you want me to talk to your uterus? Yeah. In your uterus? In your uterus.

I'm talking directly to you right now. Stop hurting my girlfriend, okay? Uteri. I'm gonna... Okay, can you back up? I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't stop hurting my friend and making her bleed out of her... So you're gonna hit me? Just sit down. So I need her to stop bleeding out of her vagina because of you. You're really, really getting in the way of...

You're getting in the way of a lot you in my period you're getting in the way of a lot of things so uterus i'm telling you now i'm your worst enemy i am your nightmare i am your worst no but sometimes i feel like i have like a like i have too many chill periods where they're like seamless i'm just bleeding whatever no big deal and I know cramps or anything and then just one month it feels like somebody ran up to me with steel toed boots kicked me in the vagina threw me on the pavement

stepped on my lower back and then turned me over and grabbed two wrenches and went like this with my nipples in them um will your nipples hurt on your period my boobs you need a massage honestly yeah ew like the thing is ew come on yeah that's disgusting it's really like i can't even like

it's don't say that kind of shit to me ever again okay just watch yourself oh my god why is doing makeup actually really hard guys like i'm i'm talking about a lot of girl things that y'all can't understand but last night i was feeling brave and i was like i haven't played with makeup in so long you really haven't though yeah i was like i'm gonna do my makeup to see maybe on my birthday i do my makeup no no i don't even have photo evidence of what i did last night because i was humiliated like i stood in front of the mirror i was like yes i'm gonna go crazy i'm gonna give like glamour down i washed my face immediately like i literally i'm not kidding i've never gone in bed faster like i like i like washed my face half ass put cream all over and went to bed i was like i can't do it it's's embarrassing. Yeah, makeup is really hard. You know what else is hard?

What? Being a man. Actually, though. Yeah. Yeah, guys. Like, just generally just being a man. Well, like, what about it? Hearing about periods. Yeah, like, having to protect women my whole life.

Physically protecting women constantly. Like, not being able to chase after them. Not being able to chase after them. Not being able to chase after them. Yeah. It's just like, it's unironically. You chase people normally? Yes. Is that like a hobby?

Yeah. But no, like actually like being a man is hard. But doing that period simulator did make us feel what it was like to be a woman and actually i redact what i said and it's actually way harder to be a woman yeah i was gonna say it's hella easy like that period shit like y'all complain that shit hurts so bad it was horrible you were moaning i know it was roll the clip roll the clip no no okay i'm gonna roll it i'm to roll it. I'm going to roll it. Ew. Also, Lucas and Josiah were waxing Lucas's legs in the crib. And it was the most like Patrick was there. Josh was filming it.

And I was like, this is the most homoerotic thing ever because I was in the kitchen. And all I heard was like them moaning and groaning and like all laughing and then getting really silent while one of them was moaning and groaning and it was really did you record any of it i think i did yeah because i need to hear that audio like i don't know if i got any of the moaning and groaning because it was really gross and i was like it'll take it somewhere else but i did get this video of lucas asking josiah if he should turn over and then at one point they were just playing bossa nova and it was just lucas and josie and i was like this is the weirdest thing i've ever seen. Such a weird vibe. Such a weird fucking vibe.

And it's really starting to feel like we're a bit too old to be doing that shit. But also, guys, we're reworking the world, I fear. We're reworking it. We're going to be roommates forever, not because we want to, but because we have to. Why? Aren't you going to marry like a pretty girl or something? Yeah. You have to go off and marry a pretty girl and to go off and marry a pretty girl and start a family imagine that art for me like i swear there will be a time in my life that i enter spiritual psychosis religious psychosis and like

become hyper religious and like denounce all gay like lo anthony and like become just like a normal person ew no i'm just kidding being gay is normal rolling your eyes like guys being gay is like actually really true um i just i can feel it in my cards like i'm just like a little crazy like i don't think that has to be like i guess being straight is a little crazy like i'm not even kidding i was thinking about it in the car right over here. And this is going to sound so annoying. But if you actually give a fuck about like gender and genitals, you are weird as fuck. Like you are weird as fuck to me.

And I am so sorry. But like, it's just the weirdest thing to give a fuck about. Like if you find someone bad and you're attracted to them, you're going to get to freak in one way or another trust and believe like you will find it like there is something there but i think some people are literally just too boring like i don't know they're fucking prudes you're losers that's the other thing about mark zuckerberg is he has one fucking body that's why that's why he's a fucking power hungry loser is because he has one body he's a fucking prude little twerp with a baby fucking penis that he never gets to fucking use.

Oh, somebody who gets hired, because I know damn well they are not fucking, like, taking care of anything in their homes by themselves. So anybody who works in their house to any capacity, you should sneak near into Mark Zuckerberg's. Sneak cameras. Sneak cameras into the house. Oh, I don't want to see that. No, I need to embarrass him. Oh, yeah.

One time. What were you going to say? No, I was just going to change the subject. One time. Another story that I've never told because it scared the ever living shit out of me. It was the most terrified I've ever been in my life. I, for some reason, do you know Lisa and Lena? Yeah.

For some reason, when I was like 16, I thought it would be the funniest thing in the world to start a death hoax for them. So I started a start a death hoax for them so i started elisa lena death hoax and got it like trending number one on twitter and it was so bad it had like 40 000 tweets on it and it was so bad that they had to like make response videos to it and be like i'm not dead and they all tracked not dead all of their fans tracked it back to me and was like that's just literally not funny like starting a death hoax list like actually isn't funny i was like shaking

in my bed and like it was like a bunch of like 13 14 15 16 year old girls because 12 year olds are getting on your ass no like they were eating me up and like they like i was not safe on the internet for a week like they they had shooters like ready to fucking go. They brought in the National Guard to your account. Like they were at your like little post button standing around. I still think death hooks are hilarious. No, it is funny. But like.

Like I gave y'all permission to just start death hooks. It's like it's funny. Hey guys, we want to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors why do i like shopify what's not to like about shopify it literally makes everything about running a business 10 times simpler it makes it easy to create your brand open for business and get your first sale going. I'm the kind of person who if I sit on an idea too long, I will get so overwhelmed by the semantics of the business side of it. How do I run a website?

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Pre-order the Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra now at Samsung.com. It is funny because it's just like, bruh, like, what do you mean he died like also like i would love a memorial like compilation of drew and it's like that's all i think about yeah that's all i think about is like my photos like they're gonna like people who don't know who i am and they're gonna be like oh wait that kid died that's so sad they go to my instagram and it's just those photos like literally what do i look like does

anybody actually know what i look like like it's actually crazy but i've never thought about that like the day people have to just like look you up be like oh i've seen a video of him oh the selfie plane the plane selfie guy died oh fuck i have to liquidate my elfie coin my dollar sign elfie coin um oh that's genius is that not that's smart i've been saying it for the last 10 minutes and no one seemed to know it's like it's good but it's as good as like emoji restaurant is good do you know about the restaurant yeah yeah have i talked about it endlessly emoji restaurant is an idea for such a follow where you like you reintroduce the same ideas under like a different umbrella you know what's fucked up is last night or the night before me and josh were talking about just like uh how nice it would be to

have like a second you to like go and like be social and then i can just sit in my bed and rot on tiktok all day and like i have a second person taking care of like my job my social relationships and all that shit which like that's why i need the personal ai thing you've been telling me about kai um oh yeah yeah but i was like damn like that's such a good idea for like a short film or even like a movie like to adapt that into a movie. And then I sat up, I talked about it or thought about it for three more seconds. And I was like, Oh,

so literally the substance, like I literally want to make the substance too. Like, okay. I do that all the time where I think I come up with these like amazing ideas and then they've been done 400 times. Did I do the same thing? I'll be like,

no one's ever done this before. And I take a picture of it to send to somebody and then my phone takes that photo and goes through my whole iphone it shows me on every application something similar to what i'm doing currently i mean uh consciousness uh and ideas are a cosmic bubble that you can reach into and connect to. But all of the ideas, everyone else in the world can reach into. And so once you have an idea out there, do it. Take a hold of it. Wow. Thank you.

Are you okay, bro? No, everything in my life is bad. No, I'm right here. I'm right here and my birthday's tomorrow. You literally are. Like, hello. Also, if you ask somebody whose birthday is coming up what they're doing for their birthday, like, what are you going to do?

Like, what are we going to do? Suck my fucking dick and balls from the back while I'm bent over after running eight miles. Like, literally, are you dumb as fuck? What do mean what are we gonna do who's we bitch like leave me the fuck alone and that sounds so mean because a lot of my close friends have asked me that and i'm down for that but like the stranglers who like are not the killers the stragglers who are not that close to who will just text me this week and be like what are we doing describing your friends that text you what you're doing for your birthday as stragglers is you know what i mean like the people who i'm like i see every now and then but i just so happen to

fall into conversation with and then they're like oh my god it's your birthday soon what are you gonna do like do you have plans like plans? Like, what's the plan? What's the plan, bitch? If you want a free fucking meal, tell me you want to take me on a day and I'll pay. I'll literally pay. But yeah, but also it's just because I'm the kind of person who, again, I want attention, but I refuse to demand it. And I just wish everyone kind of knew it was my birthday and could read my mind and just do something for me because like i don't want to decide and i just can never tell if you

want to do something for your birthday well because if anybody does anything that isn't exactly what i want i don't know what i want whatever um the opposite of sapiosexual is that's what i am what the fuck does that mean is someone a sapiosexual is someone like attracted to intelligence that's what i am yeah kai's a sapiosexual i'm the opposite of that bimbo yeah bimbo sexual oh bimbo sexual yeah bimbo sexual do you just like want somebody who's dumb as brick i just want control oh okay i mean i'm glad you can recognize that no i really do think stupid people that aren't republicans are cool no i genuinely i feel like we talk about that all the time is people who are just living on like kind of a

disconnected realm are kind of lit everything is bad no everything is good and everything is embarrassing i don't know guys i i really woke up on the right side of the bed today and it only took me three tries because i've been trying to wake up since 9 a.m and i didn't get out of my bed until 11 40 i woke up at 6 30 in the morning and was like up an atom. Like I know it was pissing me off. I was like, I normally just wake up hella early, like automatically, but 6.30, the sun wasn't even fucking up yet. And I was so pissed and I could not go back to sleep. I just love sleeping and it's really bad.

I did fall back asleep. This is what I wanted to talk about. I did fall back asleep at like 9.30 and woke up at like 10 4 10 15 or something like that um tell me why i had the most like horrible dreams ever that i was just perpetually overdosing and accidentally taking handfuls of xanax thinking they were men's i'm not kidding like literally it happened three times and i was like oh here we go again like gotta get fucking narcan or whatever oh my god

yeah no it was horrible and like i in real life i could feel my mouth like open also i hate that you did that face because i just thought of the tiktok i feel like how customers look at me one like you just looked like when you had that one filter on like this TikTok. What? I don't like how customers look at me, one. Like, you just looked like when you had that one filter on. Like, this is how it... Ew, I don't like that anymore. It's kind of really gross. It's nasty. Well, shit. Mm-hmm. You can't do that. it's nasty well shit

you can't do that you can't look at me and make that face if this was any other working environment that would not be appropriate he stuck his tongue out and like wagged it at me you're such a perv for sexualizing that sexualizing the most sexual thing that you can do without touching someone so gross i know i hate that you and josie do it it's so disgusting like it is really nasty it's vile it's like why is it is my secret to share this is the one i would have shared for tiktok this lady made me so mad at in a road rage because i had the right away and she was being a fucking bitch it was this older fucking white lady she had been like 63 and i had the right of way and i wasn't moving fast enough for her liking so her car was like her face was right here out my window because she

was trying to get into a spot i don't even remember the setting all i remember is i was like moving too slow so she honked at me and then looked at me was like started yelling and i was like bitch fuck you and then i was like bye like bye bye bye like whatever and we got into this back and forth and she kept holding her horn down so i did that face at her no she literally was like that's so and then she just backed up and dipped oh she literally was like it's okay because in her head i'm straight as a bone so it's not even like a threat she deserved it but what is the problem with it like what it's just nasty why is that the one so shocking because i have a friend who works as a pilot and he had like a co-pilot like do that face at like the people like doing that shit out front like the traffic director did he get in trouble he got in trouble and got fired

for doing that and my friend was like he was like he was such a chill guy and i don't know where the fuck it came from and it was so nasty like it really scared me and he lost his job It is really fucking crazy like it think it's I think it's hilarious Can you do it but like hide it no just please no Unlike you and like it's funny to you because you're not about it. You know what I mean? It's not funny. If I did that, even on camera, even-

I munch box. I munch box. Hello. Yeah. I'm obsessed with Margaret Qualley. What the hell does that have to do with it? I love Margaret Qualley. She's married.

She's a married woman. Yeah, to a fucking freak bitch that i can overpower oh oh well you heard it here first margaret come here queen come queen out with me margaret also her name being margaret i always pronounced it margo Qualley by accent. Margo Qualley? Yeah. Margo Qualley and Margaret Robbie?

What's her name? Margaret Qualley. Yeah, Margo Qualley. Yeah, I know. That's what I was just repeating. I was like, wait, so I have been saying it right? Margaret Robbie. Margaret Robbie?

Is that her new name? Margo Robbie. Okay okay please stop what i thought that was like easy to puzzle together wait like who is that is that the barbie girl yes okay well too many people have like similar names and like i don't know like in my head i don't know the difference between like i just found out the difference between martin short and steve martin i don't know those two different people are steve out the difference between martin short and steve martin i don't know those two different people are steve martin steve martin's like the guy with the like white hair yeah who's who was the dad in all the movies and then martin short is just that

little guy that's just a different a different guy yeah his last name being short and he being little oh that's cute i feel like it was probably chosen his name was probably like martin smith or some normal shit and you're not allowed to have the same name as other people in hollywood for some reason will smith oh my fucking god y'all did y'all see no will smith got slapped by chris rock or chris rock got slapped by will smith this weekend at the oscars really yeah well let me know it's it hasn't happened it's going to happen it's gonna happen how do you know it's gonna happen that just doesn't seem like it like that would be so crazy it's gonna happen chris rock got slapped oh bitch also this is actually

crazy did you know taylor swift was dating that one football player who she's dating a football player really she's seriously dating a football player actually yeah i don't um kelsey isn't his first uh travis travis oh his brother is fine shit i want him so bad he's like my fine shit yeah i want him so bad. I want him and David Harbor to Eiffel Tower me. But this is what I was going to say. The real shit, I actually cannot believe this, but a new tick dropped that makes you allergic to meat if it bites you. Okay. We need to end this episode.

It's for real. And you need it because you're sitting here talking about wanting to be eiffel tower i can't believe you just said that i wasn't i can't believe you said that on national look i have i have ai pictures this is low-key just national news for fucking bored people like this is national news hold on i got ai pictures of travis kelsey and um Travis Kelsey and David Harbour sweaty just sweaty yes I'm sorry guys I have to do I have this picture who is that that's not real no this is real that looks like it was AI generated by you to create the most ideal for you yeah that's like you uploaded okay that i don't get oh that's like how the strong guy in popeye the

cartoon was like drawn that's what your ideal build is let me see this isn't the ai one this is just my roster hold on wait i have to find the ai one it's somewhere you're so annoying whoa that's pretty crazy oh it's the cop from stranger things yeah oh i was trying to i was trying to picture who that was well i guess that's been the episode guys quick little 45 minute episode for y'all listen times are looking dark but together we make light yes times are looking scary but together we make

happy hairy bush together we make bush um all right well thank you guys for watching but here's my fucking media how about oh andrew i've been watching succession i'm halfway through season two i just picked it up again last night after the chaos that was the past two weeks and i'm loving it i love it i love it i love it i love it tiktok is vape instagram reels is cigarettes y'all the the 30 minutes i had to use instagram reels was the worst literally the worst time of my fucking life personally i was off my phone and i felt free in that moment i was free also the voodoo company i ordered my voodoo doll or my voodoo candles from, uh, went out of business and they were in business for like 300 years. Oh,

that's sad. Dark sided. Um, mine is elevator spaghetti by Georgiana. It is what it is by blood orange. Hmm. Father figure, George Michael.

Hmm. Heartbreaker, mariah carey walk a thin line fleetwood mac i feel for you acoustic demo prince i live for you i love for you elizabeth oh wow um so that thing got uploaded to twitter and someone said why does he move so gay right uh i don't get the context can anyone give me the context dickhead on a plane dickhead that's hella funny dudes talking about uneven eyebrows like their balls don't look like this little o big o the infinity symbol the or like the little one because

oh the right ball is always shorter oh just fucking disgusting bro usa um more like usb okay boy turn that clero off and grab you a beer so real you motherfuckers would hang out with a squirrel if it had a cart and listened to blade honestly i would vibe down with that fucking i would hang out with the squirrel they should make a soup that fixes everything also i should clarify i would vibe with that squirrel if he had the cart we'd have to i'd have to sneakily change the music i can't lie because that kind of shit is going to make me see a scary person in the corner oh this is tea wait music sounds like me and my home girl's getting high and it's like yeah i see that person in the corner too girl don't be too scared like lake submitted one we need letterbox for drew phillips's youtube videos so i can write reviews and rate them that's true we do need that someone make that make that app. Letterboxd for YouTube videos.

No, for Drew's YouTube videos. Just for yours? Just for mine. You can just like make like a link tree and like a random. Me finding out that instead of

cool and mysterious, me finding out that the vibe I gave off isn't cool and... Fuck! Me finding out... This is just writ...

Wrote wrong. Let me see. Me finding out this is just writ wrote wrong let me see me finding out who the fuck is coco oh yeah i didn't get to finish that y'all coco's the new like um right right like if someone does you dirty or like you genuinely don't know someone, just say, who the fuck is Coco? Me finding out that instead of mysterious and cool, people think I'm autistic and lesbian. That's stupid. That was from Lake Armstrong. I'm the one, one, one. The fucking mean you're twerking on the low what the fuck you mean he's twerking on the low oh is that like why when y'all break up with somebody the weirdest shit

comes out like what do you mean he's twerking on the low okay and let me do my media um i've been listening to uh eric azeroth um i really like this song terraria um i've been listening to i am a monster to I Am A Monster, which is cool as fuck. Pervert by Ethel Kane. I don't know if y'all have listened yet, but it's so sick. I need to listen. It's so sick.

And then Silver by A.G. Cook. Yeah. Mm-mm. my media i'm just gonna say my me bitch don't fucking shush me okay okay the moldy peaches oh it's good and it makes me I always have to say something. Bitch, don't fucking shush me. Okay, go, go. The moldy peaches. Oh. It's good, and it makes me feel like everything's okay.

I would. I didn't do the same about myself. Bye.