Emergency Intercom - Honorable discharge

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

https://www.patreon.com/emergencyintercom join the Patreon for bonus episodes, q&a/topic submissions, livestreams, pay for ky's lobotomy Drew’s church app got hacked and it destroyed drews life, Enya talks about a cool bathroom experience she had and Ky finally got his big break ZocDoc Find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. Go to https://Zocdoc.com/INTERCOM. Shopify Grow your business no matter what stage you’re in. Sign up for a $1-per-month trial period at https://shopify.com/intercom. Seed Support your gut this summer with Seed’s DS-01® Daily Synbiotic. Go to https://seed.com/intercom and use code 25INTERCOM to get 25% off your first month. MeUndies Get every cut for your butt from MeUndies and get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping, at https://MeUndies.com/intercom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. hi hi hi

hi guys hey hey how y'all doing hey how y'all doing um I just want to let everybody know

that I'm really brave right now because it happened after the last episode, right? My tooth. Yeah. I woke up last Wednesday with my wisdom teeth area fully inflamed and red and it looked like it was about to pop.

So I rushed to the dentist because Drew looked in my mouth and scared me and told me that if I got infection, it's close to my brain and that i would possibly die and then he told me that i could have a cyst and he went on this whole tangent usually i don't care about the doctors i'm like bitch i'm not going but that scared me so bad that i rushed to the dentist and then they were a hell of nonchalant they were like yeah you don't have to get your teeth out but you should definitely go get a scan and like you don't have to get it out but this is gonna bother you probably for the rest of your life which is the worst advice i've ever fucking heard to be like no you don't have to fix this but it will uh destroy your life from here on out and now i'm on antibiotics and my i got a ct scan and my nerves are wrapped around my teeth which

is gonna make it really harsh to take my wisdom teeth out. So get your wisdom teeth out and half of your face is going to go numb forever. Yeah. And now I'm terrified and I haven't called the doctor again, but I have to, because now I'm somebody who grinds my teeth in my sleep. And because of that, I've been grinding my teeth. And now as I'm talking, all of my gums on the right side of my face are so swollen that every word i'm chomping on the tissue in my mouth and it hurts really bad um but we'll see when i if i do something about it my only thing is like fuck you guys like like to look at me every episode and like i don't think i can show a face if i'm all like scary from my wisdom teeth. And I will say I am wearing the worst fit ever because I want to start prepping you guys for when I look bad when I get my wisdom teeth out. Are you crying?

Yeah. Are you scared for me? No. Grindr got hacked. Wait, are you actually crying? Why is it a big deal? you said you don't use that anymore like true

wait why are you crying i didn't i thought you told me you deleted that i did but it's just such like a like a big you were actually eating you were that looked really good it was such a big thing. You were actually eating. You were leaning against it all. That looked really good. It was such a big part of my life. For so long. So now it's just like the memories.

Yeah. Wait. I'm okay. I'm okay. But I got hacked and it was shut down for like four hours or something like that. Only four hours? I thought it was gone forever. It was the hardest four hours of my life

let me tell you i really thought i really thought it was over for good but it's okay so it's back but it's still like a lot of it being gone brings you to tears like that yeah no it's back it was just like giving like those four hours were like harder than what i'd imagine like the marines feel like i basically like went to war with my soul yeah or like being pregnant and giving birth probably similar yeah oh easily or like going through like a period cramp you think the pain you felt when grinder crashes the equivalent to one single period cramp yeah not cramps one cramp yeah one stinging cramp plural i guys i'm gonna start claiming what is that thing pcos yeah yeah do you know they have to go inside of you and do a surgery to see if you have that so most people they go inside you i want to get that pcso surgery

you could just get on grinder and find someone to go inside you. That's a church hat, babe. I don't know what you're referencing. Well, yeah, I had a dream that I can't talk about last night, but it was very eerie. But I think I had that dream because I'm watching Girls. I started Girls like two years ago, never finished it. And I finally got to season two i never even finished season one when i first watched it but i got to the part where spoiler

alert uh lena dunham's character calls the police on adam driver's character and i think that's why i had that dream because when she was in the house and she was like get out get out get out get out i that was the last thing i watched before i went to bed. I thought I watched like three or four seasons of that show. But like literally from last night's episode, which was like the first episode of season one, I actually like trauma blocked that whole show or something whole. I keep saying whole. Like I'm not thinking about whole. I don't want whole right now.

I don't want to give my whole to someone. Like it's not a Freudian slip, so like shut right now i don't want to give my hold of someone like i just it's like it's just it's not a feridian slip so like shut up but um i wasn't saying i don't remember any of that fucking show bro i don't remember any of it well that's how i feel like dude did you see we got tagged in the girls comparison no and so far i haven't i haven't was it on tiktok like i'm a bit offended was it on you being money yeah i'm it's on tikt far i haven't i haven't was it on tiktok like i'm a bit offended was it on you being mine yeah i'm it's on tiktok i haven't been on tiktok oh yeah his app is working so now what i do is i get really high and i go in his bed and i show him my phone but my for you page sucks because it is the for you page of somebody who gets high every night um and it is rancid my

for you page is like no real humans anymore. It's literally like government made accounts of like making food. Like I just filled the table. I wanna see my comparison. You're Hannah Horvath. No, I'm fucking not. Yeah, you're Hannah Horvath.

Wait, that's Lena Dunham? That's Lena Dunham. Think about it personality wise wise because you're always saying some shit of like oh let the love in and you'll be like oh i ate that and you very much i guess yeah you do you give that mainly on the podcast so it does make sense for people to say that because on the podcast when we're talking you're like i actually think women deserve to be because one of one of hannah's archetypal quotes is i think i'm a the voice of a generation oh yeah the first episode or at least a voice of a generation and that is some shit that you would

fucking say yeah that's you every episode being like but it's a bit i need to make that clear it's a fucking bit no nothing on this podcast we don't joke here we don't joke around we don't joke here we don't joke we don't joke around we don't play we don't play we get our work done and you got marnie which one's mine i'm like offended by but i do see let me see marnie like which is fucked up also i think it's like you know character wise i i'm offended but i understand why people would think that but you know what's crazy is when i watch that show i fear i am hannah because like hannah is so insecure that she makes everything about her even when she fucks up she's like oh what did i do and i fear that's the only time that's how i am like where i'm like oh my god that's so annoying because i'm the kind of bitch who does something and then i say sorry

18 times and somehow oh now we're talking about me oh i should go to fucking jail somebody stole me to death i want to die kai did they make you Adam Driver's leg cast? No. Or his piss bucket? They did not make me the piss bucket. Or what about the Krusty's that beat up the babysitter? No, no. I got Shoshanna and Elijah.

Let me see. Elijah is the annoying boyfriend, right? Again, it's more about character and the gay one oh the gay one yeah the gay one tracks yeah the gay one is like very Shana also makes sense because she's so

innocent and I'm very innocent and I don't know anything and I'm very delicate that's true that tracks Kai is like actually randomly dainty he's like a little like fragile like porcelain doll i mean when you're four foot three you might as well be dainty yeah not four foot three i actually just hit six three yesterday elijah's very interesting thinks at 30 he still grows i do there's a second wave of puberty i

actually believe that i think there are three puberties i don't think like growth wise but like there are three puberties in a man's life do you want me to get into them i know i don't think there's anything that dramatic about a man's life i'm not kidding you know what i was thinking we were talking about this other day because drew was like when are we just gonna see each other naked and i was like dude i literally can't see you naked because i have such a i'm just so sexy and i have like a perfect body it would be hard to keep you off of me i don't want that for myself because you'd just be all over because you've seen me naked hella times but you i will never see you naked i don't want to and you know what it is and this is like gonna sound crazy

but like actually i don't even know if i can say this but i don't mean this on like a serious general note but how do i describe this everybody knows that this on like a serious general note but how do I decide this everybody knows that I am like a misandrist but I do have empathy for men like for men I can't have empathy but there are certain lines that I can't cross like and I know it's a problem I actually don't take pride in it it's a very big problem in my life but like when men around me are sick I really don't believe it I'm like I'm like I just don't believe it like I'm sorry I literally don't and like it's not me trying to be funny or mean and i'm not trying to be crass but i genuinely like

it doesn't penetrate me like if a woman tells me she's feeling sick i'm like oh my god do you need tylenol like i'm gonna postmate you something whatever like what do you need and when a man tells me sick i'm like okay i bet if i'm in your body right now like you're not even sick like you're literally like you have no you have no idea what well have you seen when they put the fucking things on your like like men's like abdominal muscles and they simulate a period oh and like the childbirth shit yeah and then they do it on a woman they're like yeah this is what it feels like and they put on a man and he's like screaming and crying you know what it is now that i think about it i think i have that mindset because men so like belittle women's pain so i'm like okay oh mr big and strong oh now all of a sudden oh your throat hurts you can't talk like well i mean it we're

out like building houses and we have like really rough hands you just started the episode by crying because grinder was down for four hours no no it's just we're in the heat all day it's so hot that i have to pour water in my helmet to keep me cold see actually that's my dad for my dad i feel empathy for because i'm like oh you've been like laboriously working forever with the men in my life i'm like girl come on literally get kick rocks but with you i have surpassed that with like partially i'm like you are a hypochondriac so i have to like really suss it out and i'm like i'm like i you are a hypochondriac, so I have to, like, really suss it out. Tread a thin line. I'm like, I have to ignore him. I have to play this whole psychological game with Drew when he's sick.

But with you, I, like, don't see you as a man. Like, you are so much more than, like, a random man in my life. You are, like, a person. So that's why I'm like, that's also why I'm always like, no, Drew's one of my girls. Like, because I don't, like, put you in that box because I don't care for men. Kai, on the other hand. So I can't see you naked kai on the other hand is on the outs what yeah no i think i like as i've grown closer to kai i've empathized with him more there was definitely the first three years i was like girl like literally what yeah just kill yourself just like you're sad but now i see you as a person thank you

so it's kind of like the way men see women as sex objects except i see men as like like traffic cones where i'm like that's pointless i could run that over and like a traffic cone isn't gonna stop me no that makes sense it's like how i view men is like the baby on board sticker in the on the back of some mom's van's car bitch i'm gonna text and drive behind you anyways i'm gonna speed around you bitch like i don't give a fuck no it's like oh okay like that's not stopping me i can't even read that i'm texting now that you have empathy for me you can be happy for my i got this huge modeling deal with a huge fucking company.

Did you actually? Yes. I'm going to show you this photo and you're going to be blown away. And it finally went out. You emailed that shit to me too, bro. To all the restaurants. It's all over the place. That is literally how you look like in my dreams.

I love saying that about people. When people look that identical to you but so different that is genuinely how my brain imagines them yeah yeah so i'm fucking rich now because that's on every meal plate how much like three grand i got three grand that is life before cut oh we could lower his pay now then oh yeah yeah no no no no no since you're getting paid for modeling now yes we pay you like modeling since you got three thousand dollars also guys we pay kai we give him a good two hundred dollars a month it's enough but that's before cuts before i mean yeah after taxes and everything you're walking away with 50 bucks well i take 50 of guys pay we become guys managers and we're like we need 30 that's what you do well it's cool because you'll be like okay here's your check kai and then drew does this thing where he says but

daddy gets his 90 and then 90 you know what's crazy when i first started i invest it for you i invest you winked you winked when i first started doing youtube i actually signed a deal that was that bad remember collab oh my god yes there was this fucking company that was so predatory to influencers and they would take like not 90 but it was like they would split it was like 70 yeah so you would get 30 and they would take 70 and it was on every end and it wasn't just in you like if you started on the internet and you got like a little ounce of clout yeah on vine like they went after every fucking person on there and all of us were like fucking 13 14 years old and we were like oh my god an agency wants to sign us like that's crazy i want to see if i have my emails to them i was

crazy the motherfucker who ran my account his name was patrick and i was a fucking demon to him i was literally fucking insane i was horrible because i started we all started talking about it and then we were like wait that is bad that's a bad like real it's crazy how predacious like entertainment industries are on literal fucking children. Because like not only was it like collab and all that shit, it was like press play. Like all everything we did that we thought was cool that they like dangled in front of our fucking faces like a carrot. Like to get a horse to walk or whatever the fuck. Do horses like carrots?

Is that like a trope? I think they like apples. Carrot on a stick, right? Is that a horse thing? I think so. apples carrot on a stick right that's like is that a horse thing i think so yeah i think horses eat carrots yeah okay well yeah kai eats carrots what because you have cubed teeth and a long and a long face too and oh but i do have very low body fat and muscles yeah and he's like a racehorse. And you have bunions.

No, listen to this. His seed is very strong. Ew, motherfucker. And people pay for it. Bitch, never mind. I'm not even going to get into it. I'm just start breeding horses. Can you make money, like good money doing that?

Oh, bitches make millions and millions breeding racehorses. Oh, I'm starting a horse farm, bitch. Have you seen like- I'm ordering a horse stable off Timu. Dude, the horses like, you have to like off and shit, though, to get their cum. Come on. You have to make up a homemade pocket pussy. Well, that's why we have Kai.

Did you make the homemade P word? No, I never did. I never, ever did. I did. With what? Two sponges that I soaked in water, and I put them in the microwave, and then I got a glove um like a latex glove and i put the two sponges inside of a cup put the latex glove around it

and then put a rubber band on the like latex glove and i made a pocket p word when i was like no you made a pocket b word yeah and then i also microwaved you ignored that i didn't even hear what you said but i also microwaved a banana peel and use that as well no swear to god ew drew are you leaving that in the episode that's insane i was nine that's crazy bitch i was i guess when i was nine i was watching titanic and literally like i'm not gonna say it because there's perverts but like i was i was like titanic is lit and there was a movie uh there was a disney movie that like weirdly felt sexual to me the story the jungle book movie the second one there's this scene with the snake that feels so like predacious and it made me feel so weird as a kid but trust and

believe that vhs tape was turned it up turned it up i was like rewinding the fuck out of it i was like i need to go back i missed something i missed something i missed something i didn't have like a movie like that as a kid like i guess like i i didn't have like a movie that i re-watched over and over again but my dad did and i watched talladega nights joe dirt um rocky horror picture show and step no no not step brothers the one um is it step brothers with uh john c reilly and oh it has john c reilly and it's not step brothers it's walk the line um which is actually really funny and the the scene of the dude, the brother getting cut in half in the barn

is literally seared into my like eight-year-old brain forever. Like that fried me. But those were on the TV at all moments of the day. Wait, you didn't have like a movie you rewatched a lot? No, because my dad ball hogged the TV. I had so many that I would rewatch all the fucking time. What's like, like oh another movie that made me like weirdly horny was fuck it's the one it's like the atlantis movie with the two like the

blonde guy and the guy with black hair there's like the mermaid siren scene where like all the mermaids are jumping on and like seducing the pirates yes that that scene i was like oh my god the sexy mermaids are coming up like guys guys guys i guess the sandlot i liked the sandlot oh i re-watched that a lot but that was just like for funsies yeah i swam in a pool all day and then made a palette with all of my baseball friends and put sandlot on on the tv upstairs and felt we all fell asleep in our wet bathing suits and woke up the next day with like rashes all over our fucking legs. Ugh, that's so bad. Again, we were six, seven, so suck my balls.

It's just part of life, you know? Just getting fungal infections. You've got a male yeast infection? Yeah. Guys, I don't think I was celebrated enough for this there were two things that happened but on friday three things on friday i not only went out and went to a party which was the most fun i've had in la in like three or four years i not only got blackout drunk for the first time you got blackout drunk not blackout not blackout but i got i drank like a whole red solo cup of tequila to myself like i was just sipping i was

gonna say i feel like i only saw you have like two drinks no i wild it out we had like three before and then that was so fucking fun yeah being. In the corner, tickling each other. Yeah. And then like there was the dark sided evil version of Josiah there. And me and Kai watched him make out with someone and like get pictures taken of him. And me and Kai were crying, laughing at just imagining it. Being Josiah. Yeah.

Also two guys kissing is like hilarious. Like, I'm sorry. I don't give a fuck. When I see two dudes kiss, like, it makes me laugh. But, dude, the best part of that story is us. Like, it's, like, these two, like, very beautiful men, like, making out. And then we walk up and we're like, Tyrell, take a photo of us.

And Tyrell just, like, looks at us and, like, looks at us up and down and then walks away. Literally dubbed us crazy. I wanted to get in the picture with the josiah clone like i wanted to get a picture you just wanted a picture with a doppelganger yeah literally um but i not only went to a party i not only drank bitch i smoked weed i smoked weed i smoked kush i literally got high y'all and i i liked it i loved it i had fun i'll never do it again because the uber ride home alone was really scary it was really fucking scary like i i was like oh i didn't even get that drunk tonight like period like i kind of ate like i had fun i got like enough drink in me that i was like loose and having a good time gotten that goddamn uber uvu java bitch i was spinning i was like fighting back vomiting i was like doing that thing where you're like oh and i was like my eyes were like

rolling in the back of my head and i was like bitch am i like od knowing that you were high in this picture i was high as fuck i was turned i was so mad that because i had makeup on mine just kept looking like me with makeup on with bro well that's not a filter that's literally what i look like without my wig your head no that's that you took your wig off yeah i was like you haven't been that fucked up in a long time my stupid fucking wig bro pull it off my hair um well at that party i had so much fun but by the end of it i also got like way too high where everyone i was talking to i was like you're yet again i didn't get the praise i deserved for smoking weed guys sound off i wish i wish you would smoke with me

like i can't even be happy i actually want to now i've always wanted to get like a big fat stinky blunt and like smoke it out front like one of those like big ass like round ones because i all or i also want to roll my own blunt i haven't rolled a blunt since like i lived in miami yeah like a stinky big fucking blunt i like the thing is is we wouldn't even be able to do that because i am like, so it's crazy. People are always like, stop talking about being high. But like y'all don't understand. Y'all got to fry your brains when you were teenagers.

I waited until my frontal lobe developed and then I got really scared of that frontal lobe. So now I smoke to avoid it. I do think I woke up dormant psychosis. Like I think I did a little bit because like the past couple i probably just hung over but the past couple days i've been like fucking like crazy i literally think it's from alcohol like i do not drink anymore like that because of the fact that it makes me so depressed like it does something soda press more like soda stream okay i literally ate like hydraulic press of soda like why don't you just get a soda stream and yeah please come back please spin back don't hit me

dude i have to shit so bad so i actually am gonna have to dip for like five minutes i'm not even kidding i'm about to shit myself bruh my antibiotics have been really fucking up my stomach and like we have to bleep this because it is actually so gross i thought i got my period three days ago i shit pure blood why do we have to bleep that because it is like so gross but actually it's not gross y'all should be worried for me and i just talked about fucking a banana but like no it was so bad that i was live texting rain because we were texting while i was on the toilet i was like oh my god by the way i just got my period because we were gonna go to the pool that day and i was like

fuck i just got my period that's so annoying and then i picked her up and i was like also i need to update you not that you would care i don't have my period i shit pure blood and she was like you need to go to the doctor i was like oh my god everybody always says that to me um literally go queen but i think what's the point i know i know but i don't have dental insurance so my teeth are gonna cost a lot which is like i don't either yeah not chill i paid i think four or five thousand dollars to get my teeth fixed like two years ago and that was but that was like six years between not going i'm just not gonna pay i still have a lot of medical bills i haven't paid like you're not gonna get me i you don't have dental pay medical bills yeah and you don't have to pay taxes i just figured that

out oh yeah you do have to pay taxes wait actually bitch i'm gonna call the irs like i'm gonna get you get a percentage of how much money. Why would you snitch on me? That's not cool. Because snitches get stitches, bitch. Well, you're getting kisses later. OK, before you go to the restroom, I wanted to say big things are fucking coming like for real this time. Like I know I was predicting earthquakes for like a while and i was right every single time but y'all a big thing is fucking coming i don't know what it is

like bitch it might be fucking monkey pox for all i know but intuitively like something big is gonna didn't that already come monkey pox came no i mean like did destroy the world 2.0 like covert do you see that girl on tiktok who was saying that she got chickenpox um and she was like well if you get the vaccine for chickenpox you get it so you shouldn't get the vaccine and people were like girl you were supposed to get that shit in school yeah like when you were yeah because didn't they not let you go to school if you didn't have the chickenpox vaccine i'm like where did she go were you homeschooled also homeschooling is so fucking ridiculous like can we bring back polio low-key polio what's polio i want to be inside of an iron

lung wait actually i think existing inside of a hyperbolic varic chamber would be like so fucking lit that would feel good on your bones being in that chamber yeah yeah but like imagine your friends like oh my god we're going out tonight they're not wheeling your fucking cats you wouldn't you wouldn't no no i was telling this to someone the other day because they were talking about how like their close friend is super hypochondriac and they live with them and they were like dude sometimes it can be a lot because i'm just like oh my god you were tweaking right now like you wouldn't wheel me to chateau no i would not wheel you anywhere we've had this conversation if a bitch i would get you a very nice caretaker i just i give you the jack donahue of caretakers i would i would wheel you around and i would let

you cheat on me and i wouldn't even be mad kai would probably will you know kai would kai and mason would take care of oh yeah because m yeah, because Mason is like, Mason is almost too nice. Yeah, Mason like is too sweet. Mason needs to become like bitchy and like cunty and say no to people. Because he is like too fucking nice. But that's what people say about me too. Hey, and you took our dookie break. And we're so back.

We're back and I'm better. Me and Drew ran in there to smell it after. Dude, Kai went and used the other bathroom and I thought he went in that bathroom. I was like, girl, he is brave as hell. No, I didn't. I actually went to the other one because I'm very empathetic. A gentleman. And I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

No, I ran straight to the bathroom and like. Took a big breath. He also went and got Ziploc bags and like tried to like. Yeah, I'm selling them on ebay they all they had 700 labels on them already it's very weird that's the start thank you oh my god the starting bid that's flattering i'll give you five percent five percent that's like seven bucks yeah anyways that's not seven bucks i know that guys i'm not that dumb um but if you have to take a gummy if you have to eat a gummy to digest your vitamins i think you should have your license revoked like if you only

take your vitamins in gummy form like oh what are you fucking five you need oh you need a little snack you shouldn't be able to drive because that's crazy to me all vitamins are snake oil anyways yeah and that's the thing is i'm like i don't believe in that like i don't believe in the gummy having like all the vitamins it says it has like you're taking a gummy for vitamin c i don't believe that i literally just don't believe it also with that said i believe in vitamins i love vitamins and I take vitamins all fucking day. Every goddamn day. But. Kai's choking.

Do you need water? Keep coughing, Kai. Do you need water? I'm a human being. Sometimes I cough. You're just interrupting our. I am and I get some more water just to help with my coughing. Oh, now you're pissing.

Now he's pissing on the floor. Why is he pissing in the floor he's doing tricks with it doesn't that water taste so good it does taste good i will say me and you were talking about it and i was like i think i mean i drink electrolytes every day so i'm fine but like it is lacking minerals because i forgot somebody was talking about how like in europe it's not as commonplace to give people water at restaurants because the water is so dense in minerals that most people are just like hydrated as they should be and our system is so fucked up but then i think about i'm like europe is one of the oldest fucking countries on the planet you think i trust those pipes bitch fuck you give me a fucking water does taste really fucking yeah but it is mineralist so it's like

dehydrating you further and stripping all the minerals out of your body but um i take potassium and magnesium supplements so i've said this on my ig before too but i still believe it if you have to put flavor into your water to drink water i also think you should be put in a very special kind of prison because what is wrong with you what do you mean you don't like the taste of water a water freaks you out unless you're allergic to it i don't want to hear it like you were nasty something is wrong with you when everybody was like going out and buying like a literal medical necessity for people off that like selling it out because tick tock was like look at the thick water and people were literally like buying

um all of it up so like people literally couldn't drink water because we were like look at it so thick true i know you considered oh i was just saying i wanted it so bad because it looks so fun to play with there was another thing recently i guess there's this uh like it's like a wound cleanser um that people started buying to use it to wash their face because it gets rid of like all bacteria. And it's like apparently really good. And somebody was like, can y'all stop getting this? Because I actually need it because they have like an autoimmune disease that they get like a lot of wounds. So they have to constantly be cleaning.

And there's people who have that autoimmune disease. And that's usually who buys it. And she was like, I've been to three CVS's and i can't buy this so i'm gonna have eight infections can you guys please stop like that happens all the time dude i was i literally bought every diaper off of the shelf of every target um is that like a trend on tiktok no i just bought them because i wanted to see like a baby suffer so i just like bought all of the diapers all of the formula and i just poured it into like a big pile and set them on fire could you survive off baby formula i think so yeah baby food is disgusting i saw like tinned

meats like puree baby food i was like you were i bought one i can't believe you have to give that to babies because babies need that huh i don't know what they need it literally cat food yeah i tried it and it literally it basically was like blended up vienna sausage and like lips and assholes and it smelled worse than fucking azul's cat the thing is if i went to a nice restaurant they spread that on like a nice cracker and like displayed it nice i'd be like oh my god it's so good like wow this is delicious i want a potted meat and mayo sandwich oh we need to buy a kewpie mayo because like i'm tired of not having it in the refrigerator to eat oh i'm gonna use this moment to call out rain

rain got in my car the other day and she's like can i do you mind if i eat in your car i was like no like when i picked her up and she had the stinkiest sandwich ever granted i couldn't smell it but it was so funny because she was so insecure the whole time she was eating it in my passenger seat and she was like i feel like you could smell i was like no i can't smell it and then she was like oh do you want to take a bite and i was like oh what's in it it was tuna like a three milk goat cheese um vinegar balsamic vinegar uh something else that was like really oh garlic and pesto or something it was like a stink bomb and she put it in my face and the stench that rose from it i was like you were diabolical for eating this rain like rain is so gorgeous and maybe it's because she eats the stinkiest foods but i thought i ate stinky foods rain makes herself like stink bombs for breakfast like it's fucking insane and that's

my call out to rain um well i hear that i don't know if this is true yet but if it's fucking true i'm rioting i'm like january 6th insurrection vibes all over again because like it's going way too fucking far they're threatening to make being straight illegal like it's basically almost illegal to be straight now yeah the alphabet mafia who would that affect though like straight people straight people but not you you'd be fine no they're making it fucking illegal bro to be straight oh also at the fucking party um i don't know if i told you this but i went into the bathroom at one point shit the most i've ever shit in my life picked it up and smeared it all over the walls of the

bathroom that was me that was you yeah that was fucked up dude i know it was funny oh actually at that same at that same party when i went to the bathroom me and sabrina were going into the bathroom and there were these dudes by the bathroom i was like they were like oh are you going in the bathroom i was like yeah i'm gonna i have to pee and then he was like what he was like i i was like i think he was basically like are you gonna use the bathroom are you gonna do drugs i was like oh i'm gonna piss and then he was like oh you guys are gonna kiss why don't you do it out here and i was like no i'm gonna piss and he was like oh okay you can go first and then him and his homies just stood outside waiting for the bathroom for their turn so they could go in there and do drugs and i was cracking up because

i was like oh wait that's like actually so nice like thank you so much gentlemen um right gentlemen and gentle ladies hello i just feel like you glazed over the fact that he shit and put on that's his that's his like party trick yeah that's not a party trick that's disgusting i guarantee somebody viewers and listeners like an understanding get what i'm getting at like it's it's a very like normal thing to do yeah it's like in school when somebody would always poop on the grates dude the fucking balls of wet toilet paper smushed all over the walls like that is so funny like who was the first person that did that and was like i wonder if people still do that oh a hundred percent oh yeah probably worse except maybe not

because they're smoking fucking stizzies in the bathroom now yeah now they have things to do in the bathroom before you would go in the bathroom no phone because i feel like that's where it came from like you can't you weren't going to the bathroom in like middle school and getting on your phone and like doing stuff you were getting in the bathroom and it was like this is just my recluse like i just wanted to get out of class but i have nothing to do in here it's like okay i should make a huge mess and destroy someone's day i think like there are people watching that have kept that to themselves their whole life and i just want to know email me if you were the person that did that shit because i want to be able to put a face to like the type of person but because i feel like it's all walks of life like i don't think

it's like yeah it's not you wouldn't be able to guess yeah exactly like because if i was guessing i'd guess kai did that but i don't think when he was in school they had developed they didn't have yeah or they didn't even have bathrooms yet oh yeah they were still shitting in like buckets oh yeah like latrines and shitting and throwing out the toilet paper dude they definitely had toilet paper it wasn't that much of a difference there wasn't i guess yeah in 1943 there was and it wasn't in the 40s. It was not in the 40s. Okay. When I went to middle school, I'm just deflecting. But did you ever?

Okay. This was like my first week. I was like the new kid at the middle school. But I had one friend that went there from like elementary school. And he was like, oh, we have to go to the bathroom. This is like the first week. He's like, we have to go to the bathroom because some people people are spidering in the bathroom and it's really fun to watch so we went in and i get in there and like there's like a bunch of boys like cheering and there's one at the top and he like pulls his pants down and he's like holding his arms and legs up

and he shits into the toilet from like the top of the stall and it like is this real this is real you saw this happen yeah i've seen like infographics of this like troll like how to poop in the bathroom dude like they are this was one of the most intense experiences of my life seeing someone shit from like the top of that's really impressive that's insane yeah it was crazy did it make a big splash he got in trouble he got um what do you call it suspended he got suspended for that yeah well because he would brag to everyone he would call it spidering because he looked like a spider i think that's advanced i think he should get suspended for that calling other children in the bathroom to make you

how old was he i don't know if you would call them in i think everyone would just hear that it's happening and they would get excited and go yeah they all went in on their own volition boys are it was exciting though like it was pretty sick well in my middle school everybody would slap box so everybody would run into the boys bathroom to watch the boys like fight so that was what we were doing oh also there was a girl who i was friends with who would always look over the stall and watch me pee. And like, I was like, oh, why are you doing that? Have you kept up with her at all?

No, I'm not friends with that person anymore. That's curious. Was it like creepy? Yes, it was really creepy. She did it to all of our friends. And we'd be like, that's like, I guess. She needs to be in jail. You're going to prison.

Well, that was like elementary school. stop, please. You're going to prison. Well, that was, like, elementary school. Yeah, exactly. Fucking pervert. I think we should all put all children in jail. Well, me and Drew were talking about it, and I think we would have, like, good-looking kids because we use Gracie Abrams as an example. Like, her parents are giving us,

so I think we would have, like, a Gracie Abrams kind of beautiful child. So, that's something to consider. You guys would have attractive kids. Because they're both beautiful people. No, sometimes I worry that, like, the ugly parts of us would shine through on a baby. Maybe on one of them. Maybe on one.

I have ugly parts. You don't have ugly parts. We only have beautiful parts. You backing away. you destroyed that yeah like why did you rip that off of the stem those are also pretty hard right i know you just like yeah i got fucking good job so fast no wonder like you can't shit you have like rocks of taffy yeah i got fucking good also drew came back from texas with like 30 of those lollipops and I hadn't had a single one. And then yesterday or two days ago, I was like, oh, can I have one?

And there was three left. Oh, no, no, no. They're all inside my gym bag right now. I only brought like eight of them. They're in your gym bag? Yeah. I have a fucking treat after the gym. I literally eat a piece of candy after the gym.

That's cute. That's sweet. I deserved it. I earned it. Well, I have wing stuff after the gym. So I undo any sweet i deserved it i earned it well i have wing stuff after the gym so i undo any like thing i good i did for my body why are you crying laughing bro that's not crazy is i mean carrying them all in your bag 30 lollipops in your gym bag it's very willy wonka like my dirty stinky smelly boxers that i'm selling on only fans for 105 dollars five isn't that much

but i sell like a pair a day it's like 100 bucks a day damn that's good that's lucrative yeah it's pretty pretty crazy but i have to wear them for a week at a time so like the lead up to that dirty boxer era is like there's seven days of work but i'm i'm on a 10-day advanced schedule okay that's what i was gonna say as long as you always have one to sell every day yeah um well i saw somebody cleaning their kitchen on tiktok and they moved their oven and cleaned behind it and you could never never behind the oven why would you do that because like what stuff falls down there whatever falls back there is meant to be back there under the refrigerator under the oven behind the oven down the cracks of the oven doesn't matter yeah it doesn't exist anymore like it literally it

doesn't count and i'm not doing that and like who was the first person who thought of doing that also i am convinced that if i moved my oven it would explode yeah gas would leak because there's something else i was doing yesterday that was like dude i always think this is gonna explode every time i touch it oh the water heater i didn't want to touch it because i thought it was gonna explode the oven every time i light it i think it's gonna explode but no there was something yesterday that every time i do it i like this oven this oven i am so scared of this oven these burners like all of it like i literally it's dangerous it's a danger to society oh at the party i did turn all the gas stoves on and i left them burning oh not even burning but i turned all the gas we were talking to addison and she bumped into the like she

literally almost set herself on fire she bumped into the oven and it like lit up a little bit and then drew was like should we just turn on all the gas and leave and we were all cracking we were like oh my god yes we love doing that we should do that let's do that oh yeah addison's like our best friend i love you yeah that's like our best friend now and you're jealous it's true i saw it you know what was also cool at the party i had pepsi listen to it me wearing a hat and everyone being like that looks so good i think that was cool you were wearing a hat i gave him my hat to put on i put put the headband on and I gave Kai my hat. Wait, you were wearing that hat?

I was wearing the headband and the hat at different points in the night. And everyone was like, dude, you look fucking amazing. I put Kai under the ribs in the sauce. I was wearing my tiara and everybody kept asking if it was my fucking birthday. And it was humiliating. Oh, Inya. And I was like, it's not my birthday. It's just a vibe.

And they were like, no, it's a good vibe. And I was like, it's not my birthday. It's just a vibe. And they were like, no, it's a good vibe. And I was like, yeah. That's crazy. I'm so sure it's very Marnie of you. See, but you take risks. And that's what I love about you is it's not even risks in fashion. It's just risks in life. And like, it's really advanced.

Can we just take a moment to celebrate? Unprotected sex with strangers. Can we just take a moment to celebrate and yeah yeah i'm can we have one every episode for like five minutes we just celebrate our queen go you made that really weird and i did really yeah oh shit then never mind because i thought it was and also what about me no dude why does it have to be about you also yeah i was trying to do something nice for anya and then you derailed it oh my god i'm just being cornered oh maybe anya gets the appreciation

segment and we get to yell at drew and call him gay segment nobody said that you just said that in fact i run back the tape you don't know i might have after we were done with the anya celebration segment which you ruined by the way it's never gonna happen i was celebrating you robbed you robbed her of that beautiful experience maybe i would have suggested we do it for you but now we'll never know um okay well the last thing that i want to say before we go is enya um we were literally just sitting chilling chatting like i don't know why the fuck she said this but like at like it was like robotic it just like was deep inside of her and she needed to say it in that moment right then and there or like she would have rotted away and turned to fucking dust she just turns to me and she's like

next time we watch challengers i want to be masturbating huh i did wait you said that i did not say she did next time we watch challengers and yes i wrote this note and you said next time we watch challenger she needs to be masturbating question mark and i'm just it was a question i was asking like oh am i the only one who gets this vibe no no i'm not i'm not actually you're right because i want to be jerking off to patrick the whole time too no okay i okay so i i did say that but it's because it is the horniest movie ever like it it is not like it doesn't have the most sex in it or whatever but it doesn't i didn't have any edit of it and i'm like this is so horny like and it's the sexual tension of it

like the tension is so high um but i wouldn't do that because those are real people and that's disgusting and like come on guys the kiss scene y'all which one art and patrick making the fuck out hello oh right right right right it i wouldn't do that to clarify it would be far too much work drew sigh up drew sigh up okay these are fucking rancid y'all these actually are so bad i'm a blunt because god ruled me that way no i hate that my grandma always says keep three dollars in your pocket so if you see a cute girl you can buy her a lemonade grandma these bitches want perks nowadays oh this is a good one this is me every night y'all go out and i don't go y'all i can't go out tonight i'm off to club bed featuring DJ pillow and MC blanket. This one is you for the last six years and me for the last two years.

If you ever, ever, ever need me, I'm always three missed calls and four unread text away. I actually don't think anybody would call me in an emergency no i'm not gonna answer no like i'm not gonna answer you need to text me and even if you text me i'll probably open it and be doing something else and be like oh just get sidetracked that's what happens to me is i'm like scrolling through tiktok i see the text come up through the top i click on it read it scroll off and i'm like okay i'm gonna finish this video and then like literally three hours later i'm like journaling and i'm like oh wait i should text that person

back it's horrible um okay just answer no why like no why have you ever been in the military and yeah no why because your panties are covered in dishonorable discharge weren't you laughing about discharge the other day right it was making me cry i mentioned discharge to him and he was cracking up he was like ew and i was like it's kind of crazy like vaginas just go on like a rinse cycle they literally just clean themselves it's so fucking funny bro it's like goop it's also funny like how discharge became like it used to be such a big internet talk of like girls like posting their underwear and being like my shit looks like this at the end of the day and people would be like okay so um that actually might be a problem if you never see this brown like it's covered in blood and green

yeah um if her foot is bigger than a size eight that pussy came from her father's side is size eight a big size for girls i don't know i think maybe a men's size eight i'm a size eight women's yeah that's like a size six though you got a little baby feet can i see them my feet grew wait take your shoes off no i'll tell you if they're big i can tell you where your vagina came from by looking at your feet that's mama's side that's your that's your party that's your wrist you're like wait show me your feet show me your feet um slapping ass deer and sex is getting boring let me tase you in the back of the head would that electrocute your brain no right i think you'd be fine yeah i just got something in my eye that was scary i don't know i feel like that might be bad for your brain really

yeah you learn something every day y'all um okay this one might leave it just because i don't know if it makes sense like i don't give a fuck about your pronouns bitch you smell like she it c slash c she slash it and then i might have already done this one bitches would hang out with a squirrel if it had a pack of cigarettes and a digital camera bitches would hang out with a squirrel if it had a pack of cigarettes and a digital camera that's the craziest fucking thing of it all if the squirrel was good at taking pictures i would yeah i need something to post on ig soon

me fucking too should i show them the picture i want to post on ig no because then someone's gonna post and then you're gonna be like i don't need to post wait is it the the one that you showed me yeah the hat i've been telling him to post it every single why don't you put the bunny filter on it i've been trying advanced it's so funny but i understand because it is really subtle um it's just subtle irony it's like subtly a joke and i'm like it's so they i don't know if they would get the joke. Also, Drewmoji coming soon, y'all. Drewmoji coming soon. Yeah. Do y'all not believe me?

No, I believe you. I mean, you've said it like 18 times. We're going to get GTA 6 before we get Drewmoji. We got Drewmoji before GTA 6. We got GTA 6 before GTA 6. God god that was like a pretty good joke actually we got uh gta6 before drew moji oh oh thanks dude thanks for wording it like that like so passive-aggressive and basically attacking me don't raise your voice at him yeah you're fucking yelling at me like seriously you're getting too i'm gonna rip those goddamn headphones off your head what else are we gonna do media my media is also i'm going silent again because i'm about to

shit myself again my media is where you are by reena sawayama diet pepsi addison ray diet pepsi next level charlie charlie xcx and i'm still listening to I Don't Need You by Rupert Holmes. Song for Julie, Jessie, Colin Young, and Magic in the Air by Badly Drawn Boy. Those are my media. Mine is Dangerously in Love, Beyonce. I came home last night from the beach singing that song to Enya through a window. And I was like throwing rocks at her window and shit and just like trying to be funny and our downstairs neighbor was standing in her living room watching me the whole time and like she's a new neighbor so she doesn't know that I'm her neighbor and I looked fucking crazy

and I was like swinging my shit around I was throwing shit out the window and say dangerous like that was just singing the fucking song um and she looked absolutely mortified of me and then like i clocked that she was like scared of me and like kind of keeping an eye on me and i was like oh no like like i just waved to her like really just like hey and then went back to singing and she like was so scared that she like darted for her front door to like lock it or like and then when i walked around the side she like was keeping like he kept an eye on me the whole time she was like so scared of me bro what's fucked up is i didn't hear you i know i was in the other side of the house so i um fuck fuck me

fuck me I like Ruby Tuesday goodbye Ruby Tuesday the miseducation this small album this little album that many of you may not know the miseducation this small album this little album that many of you may not know the miseducation of lauren hill oh yeah that's one of the like greatest albums of all time

yeah it's a really small album that was very uh hannah horvath of you true oh uh may i say my media it's only one song it's not some bullshit it's uh someone great by LCD Sound System. Oh, I love LCD Sound System. Wait. Let's give them a little taste of what's in their future. New York, I love you, but you're bringing me down. Okay. Damn. Whoa.

That shit is fat. It's the perfect size, too. I hate this, too. I'm literally shaking. Help me, In size too. I hate this too. I'm like literally shaking. Help me Inya. Help me Inya. I'm stuck. I got you.

I'm stuck. Oh fuck. Alright, thanks for watching. Bye. Alright, thanks for watching. Bye!