Emergency Intercom - I will never start a family

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

Enya will never have a kid because she has to take care of us, Drew brings up the fact that SZA (his ex) wrote an entire album about him, and Ky finally gets a camera. https://www.patreon.com/emergencyintercom join the Patreon for bonus episodes, q&a/topic submissions, livestreams, pay for ky's lobotomy instagram: @emergencyintercom @emergencyintercomclips tiktok: @emergencyintercompod Produced By TMG Studios, Enya Umanzor, and Drew Phillips Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Calling all sellers, Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. Hi, welcome back to this episode. I so crazy i'm so crazy i'm so crazy i'm so crazy you should be scared of me you hear my voice and if you close your eyes it's like i'm in your car in your bed and you should be scared of me because i'm crazy i whenever anybody is like falling asleep listen to the podcast and hearing our voices and then it

like starts off like a dream with us in it well it's just a dream to be listening to us anyways we just have dreamy energy it's a nightmare it's literally like a form of torture it's a waking nightmare like i know somewhere out there there's a couple that lives together and like one of the people in that couple loves listening to us and the other partner fucking hates it and then can't say anything. But then just like they like spat at each other about other things when really the main problem is the partner hates hearing us. No, literally. Our podcast was described to us to our face as dead air filler. So like i don't even listen i just put it on in the background no what's worse on something is the person said they could imagine it being that for

other people but for him it was just too much yeah yeah but on the lowest of keys he listens all the time and i know that for a fact like he listens to every single episode who the fuck said that and also do you want me to beat them up yes please yes okay yes please but i genuinely i was like honestly that's a compliment like we're still getting paid like put it on in the background he was like i don't watch y'all but i subscribe i do what i can and i was like literally subscribing does nothing for us like that's like the least like that's actually nothingness it's like void but he meant it with full kindness and that's how i took it because i give people grace yeah well i'm really mad at my dad because he doesn't listen

i and i'm like hello mortified if your dad listened i'm like hello i literally talk about like fingering butts and stuff like why don't you want to hear that i literally talk about my wingbot vibrator 3000 every single episode i'll never forget i i think i've mentioned this before and i think i have it on recording somewhere but i asked him if he listens and he was like you know i think you guys are really funny but i just don't think i need to hear that. And I was like, oh, and then he was like, yeah, like there's definitely things you say that as a dad, even as close as we are,

I don't need to hear. And I was like, honestly, respect because my dad, I will say I'm not even offended because when I understand, like you said, if he listened, I would be mortified.

But my dad already thinks I'm funny. So I don't have anything to prove to him. I love that. Well, my dad did this like funny prank on me one time um where like we lived in a house that had a basement before and um no one ever went down there because it was like ooky spooky scary vibes like we fucking hated it down there and so like one day he asked me to go get some like cans of beans from the

shelves downstairs because like that's cold air like kept them stable so i went down there and he shut the door behind me and locked it and i was trapped in there for two weeks um and he would throw snakes and stuff downstairs prank stairs. Wait, that was a prank? But it was funny. We were all laughing about it. You were laughing about it even? Well, no, I was screaming and crying for the whole two weeks, but yeah, he pushed me down the stairs.

You should be grateful he left you down there with some beans. Yeah, it was horrible. I'm scared of chickpeas now, even though they're such a great source of protein. Yeah, they kept you alive. Everybody needs more chickpeas in their diet. No, chickpeas, like, I can't. We both have trauma with chickpeas. You know what I'm thinking about.

We both have chickpea trauma. If chickpeas is a high source of protein for you in your diet, stay the fuck away from it. Yeah, actually, that is true. Like, any person that eats chickpeas is a dangerous person chickpeas are fucking nasty chickpeas are literally like i actually did have um my mom made chickpeas where she like covered them in like um like spices and shit and they were like crunchy like fucking cheese it's and they were so yummersville i was on tiktok and i stumbled across a couple videos that i genuinely think are the greatest thing that

anybody has ever made for us like point blank period and they are these american girl doll animations i'm literally obsessed with them i i'm not gonna be able to find them because i don't know the person's name and i like 4 000 videos on on TikTok a day. So we'll find them, insert them here. Song of the week is literally just ribs by Lord because that song is a fucking classic. Dude, I fucking love that song so much. Oh my God. Oh my God. They are so fucking good. And it reminds me of like when we were on like episode 40 and someone made like a Lego animation. Oh, yeah. I love that.

I love that. It kind of freaked me out. Actually, okay. Let me clarify. They beheaded me every fucking one. When I first saw the account, I was like, this is really funny. But then what started to freak me out is their first two TikToks were emergency intercom TikToks. And then the next two were random clips from another show and then for some reason that's what made me feel a little

funky because i was like oh wait this person was like really gonna make this like a variety channel and like it's not even like an ego thing for some reason it would make more sense if it was just like one of our followers or like listeners who was just like thought it'd be funny to make us into american girl dolls but spreading it out into a genre of like multiple things for some reason like there's probably a million of those like yeah yeah american girl doll animations account and she just like tapped in at the right fucking time and now she's popping off i mean it makes sense because remember like there was a channel on youtube that did that with barbies and it was really funny there was like a whole thing i don't know if you guys are gonna know it's like it's girl that's girl the

girls know but there was like this thing where like it was like a high school drama that somebody made a show of which i do know this yeah and then one of the barbies was like pregnant and like like it was like this whole thing yeah no i genuinely i know what you're talking about and um fuck what was it? Because you're one of the girls. No, of course. Like, duh. Kaya's not one of the girls.

Yeah, he's lost. No, I know about this. So. What is it? I didn't speak on it, but I totally know about everything that you're saying. What is it? It's like a show with Barbies and they made a show out of it. I get it.

I totally get it. And I've seen it. The Barbies play with each other's boobs and take baths. Oh, I'm not watching that because that is disrespectful. Okay, I hate that that just made me think of this. But one time me, Drew, and Josie went home and we looked up Elsa and Anna kissing. Oh, the greatest videos ever. We found the craziest 3d render of somebody actually i

don't know i think we were looking up frozen i sent those in to be on the fucking tvs and you axed them i wanted elsa to have it playing all the time yeah but how did we look that did we look up elsa and on a josiah looked up elsa and on a kissing kissing and they kiss and it's beautiful the weirdest video ever but yeah that is the fucking tea of it all do you remember when a fan made a roblox server of number one cinercom

and there was just a part where you could kill me I did not remember that yeah there was a part where you could shoot me with a fucking gun and I would explode someone came up to us and was literally like, honestly, you guys have gotten soft. Y'all are being too nice to Kyle. Like you need to go back to like bullying him. I know.

I miss when you used to like choke me and shit. Fuck, I miss that. I think you got slapped last episode. No, that was like a couple episodes ago but true it used to be every episode the way that my toes curled damn we can go to the next subject damn damn damn daniel wait damn daniel and alex alex from target you were explaining something um fuck oh we were talking about that rowing movie and you were talking about like,

oh, how like, it was such an intense movie because like these people were like kind of bred to do this sport and there was this one like Savant who was so good at it, blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, yeah,

and then she ended up on Ellen because that is like the reality of what we, I guess actually Ellen is gone. Kids are growing up right now and they don't know that like if you were tapped in, you would be on ellen like that was in 2016 if you got a hundred thousand likes on fucking instagram or twitter you were on ellen you were getting a first class ticket to ellen studio yeah wait is she done because she was mean or she just was like i'm done i think

she was getting called mean and then she was just like okay i can't handle this i'm like 7 000 years old and a fucking vampire so i'm gonna retire and then it all came out afterwards that she was just mean and evil again i like it when my boss is mean to me but i know more people need to like respect their mean bosses like okay so my three biggest obsessions ever ever ever ever ever ever started with exotic animals like i was fucking obsessed with like i wanted to have a fucking zoo in my house and there was this girl named janda exotics and she still sells and flips like yeah no she still sells and flips like rare fucking exotic animals and like in texas at the time you didn't need licenses for this so i was fully convinced like when i was like living on my own in granbury because i was so young i didn't know like you could move out of

my hometown you're weird as fuck no i know i was you were weird as fuck like thought daughter or weird ass drew phillips son like you they're picking me every fucking time bitch i would have put you up for adoption i feel like my son's crazy what's crazy is that you you haven't changed at all you're always talking about bears and otters and like yes yes i've noticed that too and i don't know no yeah i love i love animals bears and otters big bears otters like like i love the way the otters swim and he's always like hairy bears like all bears are hair we know that yeah so i guess are there hairless bears yeah hell no not in my fucking life abso-fucking-lutely not nasty that was clockness everty as fuck yeah clockness everty you ate you tore thank you um but shut the fuck up i know i'm just being mean to you to like

get back in no i get it bro i fucking like it um oh my god but yeah i was obsessed with like exotic animals and there was this time in my life where we had an extra bedroom in my house that was like the guest room and it had like a mini little porch that went into the backyard and i'm not kidding i went into like powerpoint excel like i like started i put it into like ms paint to like draw what like this cage would look like because i was trying to convince my parents to let me adopt an albino burmese python that they get like fucking 23 feet long they're giant snakes and like i was convinced that they were gonna let me retrofit this guest

room into like an enclosure an indoor outdoor enclosure where like we would break the walls down um and build up like an outside cage so it could go inside and outside and they would have like a pool and shit and i was fully convinced that i was like okay this powerpoint is gonna below their fucking mind i wish i still had access to, but like I was batshit fucking crazy. Like, I don't know why the fuck I thought that that was ever a possibility. And then also the thing that like, because I was still obsessed after they said no. And I was like, okay, like I just got to keep like chipping away. Like eventually they're going to fucking break.

I was like nine years old and already a master manipulator. I was a master manipulator manipulator i was a master manipulator um and i remember finding i saw a video of an albino i think my mom showed it to me like trying to convince me that i did not need this thing but i saw a video of an albino burmese python eating and they fed it they would feed it live rabbits and like they would just let them hop into the enclosure and they would just bite it and wrap up and like squeeze it until the fucking eyes popped out of these little bunnies and like after that moment i was like oh i do not need a fucking burmese python but a kinkajou i still have love for and i want i want that bad wow i want that so bad when i was nine i was really praying that the lights would stay on and that i would have like a decent meal you're poor broke

and that i could find happiness that's never gonna happen not with kai in your life dude i was waiting so long for you to end it so i could reply with that like halfway through the story i was like i can't wait to chop did you even hear what i said yeah i did you were wishing that you were gonna get a fucking killer ass snake because you're a freak yeah like okay also like why were you yearning so bad for a fucking snake like i i don't think there was anything i wanted that bad at nine years old i just was obsessed with animals like i wanted i literally wanted a fucking zoo like i literally like wanted like a lizard enclosure with like drawers that you would pull out and i wanted to like cross breed them and make new like genres of like

leopard geckos and shit like i fully was convinced that that was gonna be i can't remember what i was doing when i was nine was like fucking getting scared of bloody mary and then like in turn putting that trauma onto other kids and teaching them about bloody mary and like freaking them out the the barkeep um fuck i was gonna make a joke about like the barkeep saying bloody mary oh my god you're fucking rotted oh it was when we were filming the patreon episode I was talking and you just kept being like me when I'm a hacker and I'm hacking and everything I said he was like me when I'm a blah and I'm blah yeah we don't do that anymore we used to like point to everything be like me when I'm blah blah I know we need to bring that back. Me when I'm 75,000 years old. Okay. You can go to- Me when I'm 48 drinking a beer at 11 a.m.

and I'm so sad and I'm weird. I just turned 30. This is a liquid death. Okay. 30 looks good on you. No, it does. You've been- I don't have my glasses on.

Okay. Oh, wow. Wait, actually, yeah. Put Kai Kim on. Put Kai Kim on. 30 looks like really, really good. Thank you, yeah, put Kai cam on. Put Kai cam on. 30 looks, like, really, really good. Thank you. Stop rizzing up the fucking cam.

I know. Dude, I'm literally just looking. Wait, no, we got Kai cam, y'all. Are you guys happy? Does it look good? Let us know. Yeah. The team said it's going to look good as fuck, so.

I'm so excited about it. It'll be high definition. We got him a Hasselblad. Is that what it's called? Hasselblad. Hasselblad. Yeah. They shot the Earth series on this camera it's imax so yeah little joke okay you need imax oh fuck well i woke up and i was fucking drooling how about that like what are you gonna say oh look i'm saying like there was a period where you guys were nice to me and I fucking loved it. But also, if you guys want to be.

Don't spread that rumor, bitch. I was never fucking nice to you. I gave you grace. I was not nice. There's video proof of it. There's a difference. There's video proof of it. But if you guys want to be mean to me.

Please. Please. Please be mean to me again. Because it was a long time. It's been a while. It's been a while. Well, you were drooling right in your sleep yes well me and inya um slept in the same bed like a couple nights ago snoring no it's on

me i did something very naughty and bad i literally like there's a video the video of me like snuggling up against you when i fell asleep and i was literally overheating and like had like four layers of fucking sweat on my body i woke up and my pjs were like moist from how bad it was cold as fuck bitch i think i literally broke fever i was like obviously sunburned but like i might have just like been sick with something and just not known because my immune system is just so powerful and strong and that's like a testament to of who i am as a man i'm strong like immunity person ever like you don't have immunity uh rupaul and the new um all stars be like you don't have myself in this

yeah you don't look at yourself but anyways it was like 9 a.m and like i don't know why but in the morning like when i'm like waking up i start writhing around oh yeah you knocked into me hard i know i was gonna say i literally like fucking like was writhing around and like throwing my head in my pillow and shit and i like went and like hit you in like literally in the fucking face with my head and like i was laying there and i was like oh my god and i'm so sorry and you just like fell back asleep like almost immediately but i was sitting there and i was like fuck dude that hurt me like it like felt like i had a knot like i was concussed and i was like fuck i hit her hard i'm such a heavy sleeper like i love my sleep so much i

remember waking up and be like and then just like moving over and going back to sleep like i like i remember the sound i made and just like moving over i like hit you hard as fuck and i was like holy shit like i literally just like head butted her like it felt like i had an actual concussion um but then i just got up and moved on and didn't bring it up because i wanted to bring it up on the podcast and that's also i think in that same sleep though you were on my side so fucking crazy because i i know this one was that night no bitch you were pissing me off because he came so fucking close to me and his elbow at one point like nudged into me and i this i remember i went like and then i moved over really yes i don't remember that

but no just because you were like all of my shit and i woke up i was like like trying to make a noise so you move and then you like kind of like nuzzled in like you were like not gonna move so i literally like so you're beating the shit out of me in my fucking sleep bro that's why i had a bruised kidney i was wondering why my fucking back hurts so bad oh yeah no my back hurts so fucking bad i keep sleeping on my side and i'm not kidding guys like i'm like the old person in the room who's like getting out of corner like stretching my back like 18 times in a conversation um and i'm not gonna do anything about it actually i want to get one of those pillows that keeps you on your back but then i saw this girl talking about it

like to prevent wrinkles and bitch shut the fuck up like i want it's always something it's always something y'all are so scared of fucking just wait also just wait when you're on your fucking deathbed and all you cared about in your life was looking beautiful you're gonna regret all the time you spent trying to be beautiful and being insecure about not being beautiful and it does not matter that goes without saying i'm sexy hot and this is me without trying like just imagine i just want to say you're like super privileged both of you guys are super privileged you can say that shit privilege and you guys are just like beautiful people yeah i have pretty privilege like hard for me i get everything i was ugly as

fuck growing up this shit didn't come easy i grew up with a very beautiful sister who got compliments all the time and i felt like an ugly duckling like crazy boots that's literally why i'm funny is because i remember like very vividly walking into school with my like three-year-old sister four-year-old sister going to pre-k and everybody being like she's you're so beautiful you're so beautiful i'm right fucking here bitch and you're 48 years old give me a compliment that's literally what i keep thinking about with that fucking um sentient baby like the yeah there's another there's another fucking little girl that's like being ignored and abused and i'm like y'all need to start giving her

attention like y'all need to start giving her attention or she's gonna end up with a fucking podcast she's gonna end up looking like inya bruh like like no i will never forget that because i remember like being like 20 and really sitting with myself and wondering why i have like all these like weird insecurities about whether i am like perceived as beautiful or not and it literally is because this 48 year old woman would compliment my sister all the fucking time i'm right here like i'm right here even give me a lie be like you look cute today and i know i look like shit because i didn't have a fucking mother figure so i would literally like i had long ass hair that i would tie into a back ponytail and all my fucking

uniforms were thrifted so they were really baggy and i looked like a i don't know i looked like a fucking this isn't funny this is trauma yeah this is trauma no it's funny now i don't want this to happen to women so whenever i drive by one i'll be like whenever i see women on the sidewalk and it just rained i go towards the puddle to fucking soak them i'm an incel girl i saw a fem cell like that doesn't know she's a fem cell yet on tiktok and i was like whoa she might be the next killer she might be the first killer anyways we don't have to fucking go there misandry is good no no i think it is powerful and good um but my second upset what are you gonna say i'm trying to remember because i was gonna say something so stupid but

it doesn't matter my second obsession growing up was roller coasters so i vividly remember what you ever play thrillville oh of course oh my god thrillville was so fucking and what was the other roller coaster game like roller coaster town yeah tycoon and then all i played the other game dude oh my god in high school that just unlocked a memory like i played no i didn't you you so much roblox there was a day where i literally played nine hours of roblox on the weekend with one of my best friends at the time on You've been working on that screen time for a long time. No, it was dead ass nine hours straight. And we played Cops and Robbers.

And we just like literally just played that game. Like it was horrible. It was like looking. We like left and we were like the next day we like linked up again. And we were like, why the fuck did we do that? Like we were the same. Dude, I think as recently as two years ago you were playing a roblox game every day and all you did in this fucking game and yeah was did you ever see

him play this shit i think so you would just lift weights and get bigger you just click on the screen and just lift weight there's another game he was playing for a long time that it was just a clicking game you have a video of it it was like you have to get like big like your like your circle to be bigger and he would just like click there all day and i would come into his room and he's clicking and i was like are you gonna win anything and he was like no but i just need to keep my ranking and he would like get addicted to that kind of shit and i was like dude you were weird as fuck cookie clicker was my shit like i love tycoons but that's what i was gonna say is like i that unlocked the memory of like me playing a bunch of tycoons um on roblox for like two years straight but um i was saying

roller coasters there was a website and i cannot find it but on my old laptop it's still saved as like a bookmark icon for some reason but there was a website of the top 100 roller coasters in the world with like just the names and i would go on that website and i would go watch youtube videos on it and then i had an excel sheet where i would rank them like based on which one i wanted to ride the most obviously kingda ka was like the number one like and then there was like the titan have you ever been free huh have you ever just like been free of whatever you're talking about? No.

Like what? No, this is my life. I become hyper obsessed with something for like a very long time. And now that I'm an adult, those time periods are shortened because I can actually do it or buy it. Like for a while, it was like music equipment. I guess, yeah, it's like the yearning. Like there's a certain kind of yearning you have as a child that now in your adulthood you don't get anymore because if you really wanted it you could just like make sure it happened i was trying to escape the basement

you did all of this in that two weeks yeah i hit a record high i didn't hit my puff bar for 26 minutes of this episode or 25 minutes or however long it's been that's actually really impressive and then my current obsession is tornadoes i have seen every single fucking tornado video and now it's to the point where i'm buying radar software and i've learned the velocity maps i'm learning reflex maps like i'm like studying meteorology meteor how do you say meteorology right now actively like i have like 20 tabs open with like all of like the different types that's kind of like an impressive thing when you like something you

actually learn about it when i like something i just look at it no you do that like with fashion and shit yeah i guess with fashion and like maybe with like certain musicians but that's kind of it like i don't do that with musicians i love magicians y'all like i could tell you all about i forgot who it was i think it was like suki and bobby antoff on their podcast on bobby's podcast where she asked her like what she felt about being a musician and suki misheard her and she was like i'm not a magician i'm literally not a magician i'm not a manipulator wait oh yeah kai you went to the manipulator i did oh i forgot to edit down the audio because i recorded

it oh okay i got so nervous that i accidentally stopped recording halfway through but we might be able to answer it next time but basically i entered the psychic's house thinking that she was going to say the same exact shit to me and she did not dude she did not say that i was surrounded by evil energy she said she said kai she did say i was weak which is true that's facts i am weak but she didn't say i kept asking i was like is there any evil surrounding me she's like no there's like good people surrounding you and i was like okay oh you know what's happening right now you're the evil motherfucker you're the killer and we're the good people wow it's i so i have to go and she's gonna be like there's one there's yeah well let's confirm that when any

goes yeah because we need like that triple confirmation because i low-key feel like i'm a super good person i'm gonna go just gonna be like you're so amazing Like you've really like navigated this life so Clearly like you have so much grace And empathy and love Um And like I think well butyrin and lithium Would do you wonders That's what I'm hoping

Well I'm gonna go back and they're just gonna say I can just tell you have a giant fucking cock I can see it through your pants Okay so she said you were A good person I can just tell you have a giant fucking cock. I can see it through your pants. Okay. So she said you were a good person. She said, well, she was like,

fear dictates your life. And I was like, I actually agree with that a hundred percent. So she was like, right. She said fear, fear. And she was like,

you need to like unlock your full potential by like overcoming things that are within yourself. There's no external like obstacles. It's all from within. I was like, cause I was expecting her to just be like, you're surrounded by evil people. There's no external like obstacles. It's all from within. I was like, cause I was expecting her to just be like, you're surrounded by evil people. There's a curse. Did she try to recruit you for the church?

She did try to recruit me for the church. Every single time I said, look, I've done a lot of work on myself. I've gotten a lot of help from other people, whatever. Me. From Drew.

And I was like, can I do this on my own? i really want to feel empowered i want to feel autonomy and she'd be like no absolutely not absolutely not you can't do it on your own but i will give her this she said i was gonna get married and then i get a fucking divorce i'm gonna have two marriages damn i feel like being a divorcee is kind of con no it's fire like that's fire, it's trauma. I want to be married and then divorced. Who was that?

Who was saying that for a long time? Rain. Yeah, Rain. Rain like went through this whole like year being like, it'd be so cunt to get married for like two days and then get a divorce immediately after. Just so she can like, and she would be like, I don't want it to be anybody

who I have like a serious relationship with. I just want it to be somebody who's like almost a friend, but we like kind of flirted and nothing ever happened, but we got married and then got divorced. So that when I saw them in public, it'd be like, oh, my ex-husband is here.

But yeah, basically she did not tell me the same thing. I thought she was like fully a scammer and was just going to say like, that just reignited my fears. That she's, she's a magician yeah um what was the other shit guys i haven't been able to sleep after that i know drew keeps like freaking out and thinking that he's actually fucking cursed and i don't know what to do about it because usually when drew's just freaking out about something that i know isn't real i just

ignore it because i can't feed into it um but he really thinks he's cursed i was nervous too like i left that shit i'm always nervous around powerful women so this isn't like anything new but i did have this shooting pain in my prostate when i left and i was like you sat on your dildo anyway um yeah i yeah i don't know so i need to go and see what she says about me i think so we need the final confirmation i don't know if i'm in the mental state for her to say some fuck shit to me i think i'd freak out i don't know i'm in if i'm in the state for the conclusion of this is that me being the evil person yeah you might be the evil because i'm so sweet i feel like we can all agree sweet um okay i so i'll go tomorrow what time did you go i went at 11 tomato potato chicken potato chicken lgbt lettuce wait hold on lgbt lettuce bisexual wait fuck lgbt gaykin bisexual oh wait no no potato fuck i don't know oh no i said potato no you said potato potato

but that is gay bacon potato girl i'm like rotted right now it's over for me i know i took um i took sleeping medicine last night like nothing like fucking crazy but i never take like an advil pm or anything like that's very rare and i it was so hard to wake up this morning and now i feel like there's like a layer over my brain that's gonna be there for the rest of my life it's gonna be there for the rest of your life you should freak out you should panic actually don't give a fuck uh caviar is pushing it that's my final take caviar is fucking pushing it you like you're eating fucking sperm from fish like that's crazy you're eating fucking eggs like for some reason caviar is just pushing it also like why the fuck is it so expensive is it really hard to like get it i think you have to like kill the

mother goose to like get it out of them that's fucking crazy and that shit is not that good i've seen them like squeeze the belly of the girls and they like piss out of their vagina the eggs like i've seen those videos i watch those like all the time i love watching those videos yeah no literally the the fucking blasters the gel blasters can y'all do that you're not doing it you're just i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying um well i've been sobbing at twin announcement videos and i want twins so fucking bad y'all i went on like an hour rampage of watching every single video of twins being announced to their friends, family, extended family, and loved ones. And, like, they were making me cry my fucking eyes out. They are so cute. Just, like, them being like, yeah, the gender is a girl. And then they're like,

but also we're having a boy. And then the grandma will start sobbing in excitement. And, like, all their friends will be like, are you fucking kidding like that's not good and it's just cute just seeing like the different relationships people have with their loved ones it's crazy i'm never gonna get that feeling uh no we'll have twins i don't i have twin sperm i don't want kids i literally don't want kids like it's actually sometimes it bust. Like it's actually, sometimes it bugs me out. Cause I'm like, damn, I just have no maternal calling, but I have come to the conclusion that it is because I feel like, and this isn't me being like,

Oh, I carry so much, but I genuinely do feel like I care like such a motherly role in a lot of people's lives already. And I have been for so long that I can't imagine having my own kids. Cause I'm like, what then I have to abandon all my other children who were like grown adults.

No, that's like the, it's like the same idea is like why i don't seek like a romantic partner it's because i get all the fucking love i need from the people i have in my life i don't need another fucking person to like what like be annoyed by and do s with like girl that's boring like literally boring i have my literal left hand somebody to literally like actually both hands i have to use both hands shut the fuck up i think that yeah somebody to like getting catty arguments with every now and then and then have to act like that didn't happen bruh i don't need that i don't need i was saying to somebody yesterday i was like i really don't

know what any partner in my lifetime is gonna think is gonna fucking happen but i'm not living with someone other than drew like and that's gonna be a really hard like line to cross because why the fuck would i want to live with you like are you actually kidding me like i get so much joy to living with drew and josh when he whatever he's around like that is like my ideal situation is like living with my friends i'm not living with your funky fucking weird ass i need to hit the lottery and make 87 billion dollars so i can build a compound for all of us to all have our own houses but they're like within like a mile of each other or like within like 300 yards of each other so we can just like come over every day and key and like this and walk through

the like fields with like all the flowers and my sheep roaming around this what charles manson did yeah but we're doing it with love okay it's well no i want i want us to like kill people and have sex yes with just me everyone bro we've literally i feel like we made this joke to each other but i was like i don't know what's gonna happen when we're old as fuck and we're too lazy to go fuck somebody else we're gonna have to start fucking like we're just gonna have to make it work like i don't know what's gonna happen when we're old as fuck and we're too lazy to go fuck somebody else we're gonna have to start fucking like we're just gonna have to make it work like i don't know what's gonna happen we'll figure it out bro um but yeah that just i've been thinking a lot about like traditionalism and how far removed i feel like we are from it and i feel

like this generation in general like there's been there's always been a shift in view of like family versus chosen family um but i feel like oddly enough all of our close friends are very close to their like birthed family and their chosen family and i've just been thinking a lot about how like that is actually so intense of like a balance to be weighing for people and like we just naturally do it and humans have just been freaking me out because i'm like wow this life is really just like filling your time with people you love and what it's magic it's magical we're stardust we're meteorites combined with gases from a star spinning on a ball of my family inside of a meat sack controlled by our subconscious also i don't feel like i need kids because i'm already like mourning the like

the growing into adulthood that my little siblings are experiencing which is freaking me out like all i could think about is that my little sister is going to be 17 next year and that freaks me out like it's so beautiful because like she's grown into her own person and like she doesn't listen to the podcast so i can say this and she didn't tell me her business and i won't tell her business because she didn't fucking tell me it but it was actually really sweet like she i think like got her heart broken a little bit and she called me and she facetimed me and she's like she's a very like interesting character she reminds me a lot of me when i was younger where like i wasn't very vulnerable but obviously i wanted to keep people close until i got to that point but it was really

sweet she like called me and she was like crying and she had her camera off on facetime and she was like where are you and i was like oh i'm in a car like headed somewhere blah blah and she was like okay and then she was like i had like a problem with like a boy or whatever and i was like do you want to talk about it she's like no i really don't want to cry again i just want to tell you and i literally like started tearing up i was like it's okay whatever like tell me whenever you're ready and then i just like started to try to talk to her about like stupid shit so that she can get her mind off of it but it freaks me out that like but i guess in that sense that's when i'm like oh damn i would like to have a kid because it is sweet and i do think i could be a good mother i could be a good mother i think the way i feel

about my nephew right now like where he was like wanted to be my best friend for like three years of his life from like 8 to 11 or whatever and now he's like hitting that age where he's like getting too cool and like doesn't want to hang out with me that hurts more than anything in the world and if my fucking kid did that to me i'd kick it in the fucking mouth it's like inevitable fucking play don't fucking play with literally inevitable that's since i have that rhetoric in my head i'm like i can't have a kid like i literally can't not right now i want children because you're afraid of getting cool guide but yes dude i feel like it's inevitable because i had that with all my siblings, like of every age, like there just came a point, especially because I felt like I played such a like parental

role in all my siblings' lives. So even with my older siblings, there was like a three year span where they felt like they couldn't talk to me because I was such a like parental figure in terms of when they would speak to me I would try to give them advice and try to help them and like help them traverse through certain issues and I think that kind of bit me in the ass where they felt a distance from me because I wasn't able to be a friend I was so busy trying to like help parent them and I feel like that's the thing with kids is like they want to be your friend whatever but then once it gets to the like authoritarian role that you have to play in those

people's lives they just naturally will turn away from it because they don't want that they just want somebody to like be around i feel like that's like the hardest part of parenthood is having to navigate that and like pick your like parenting style and like what works for you and your kid but also i feel like a lot of people just get lucky and they get really close to their kids like my mom is like one of those people who she's been really good with being friends with her kids sometimes almost too good at being a friend but like i feel like that works until we were 18 to be friends yeah i feel like there's a balancing act you have to play with it yeah it was cool we just had one of those we exist inside of the context of falling out of the coconut tree or whatever the fuck you think you just fell out of a coconut tree you exist within

the context of everything that has happened and everything which you are yeah or whatever the fuck it is well there's a fucking fake waterfall in china y'all like there is an act and i'm fucking playing it like it's real i don't give a fuck no that's what i was saying i was like what's a big people are like losing their fucking minds over this waterfall like basically it's a real waterfall but during the dry season they pump water out of a tube at the top of the waterfall and make it look like it and in the people's defense they didn't say anything about it they completely were just lying and acting like it was a real waterfall spraying over the edge so then like um everybody when they found out that this waterfall and it's

a gorgeous waterfall that when they found out it was fake they were like bro what the fuck we've been lied to we've been tricked and then all of the fucking like flat Urfa. Flat Urfa. Flat Urfa. I'm a flat Urfa. We're in the comments like being like, see, the world is a stage and we're just playing. Officials have apologized after a video emerged that appears to show China's tallest waterfall being fed by a pipe in the rock. The 1024 foot tall Yuntai Mountain waterfall features formations that date back more than a billion years. Drawing in millions of tourists, but is seemingly fed by a pipe in the rock what happened next was weirder

officials made a bizarre social media post apologizing as the waterfall i didn't expect to meet everyone this way i made a small enhancement during the dry season only so i would look my best to meet my friends i don't think that shit is that deep but also like my special interest is bodies of water and i don't give a fuck where the body of water came from. I'm getting in that bitch. Like, I'm literally, unless it's like a puddle. My special interest is body of tea. My special interest was cruise ships.

And I know about every cruise crash. Cruise ships? What is that? I'm going cruising later tonight. I have a stand-up joke With that bit in there Should I get into stand up Shit are y'all ready Cat got your tongue

Well get him out of your mouth That's unsanitary Beat around the bush They say Why the fuck am I seeing a guy jerk off and blast rope around a bush Beat around a bush? Why are you punching my dick? When I'm on the airplane.

Oh, this is more impressions. When I'm on the airplane, I always hear the pilot on the intercom saying. This is your captain speaking. Expect some turbulence in the next three minutes. Enya's mom is walking down the aisle. I was on a cruise ship. Not that type of cruise, weirdos. Is that it?

No, no, no. And the boat was rocking like crazy. Rocked the boat a rock rock the boat and i look out of the window and i see kai's mama swimming next to the ocean or in the ocean next to the boat the waves were huge you know how comedians do sound effects like washing socks is like reverse gambling every time i put two in i get one out i feel like that could apply to just regular gambling some people look at me and think i'm gay well i say yes of course I am. I'm so happy and I love love.

Oh, my God. Donald Trump is so orange. I get hungry when I see him and I almost ate him because he looks like a Cheeto. Okay. Safari is crazy. How does the internet and the animals coexist i think they'd be attacking each other and eating the internet cable you know the sharks that ate the internet cable try to take us down i think that was it straight male listeners i am with you we are in this together oh wait i'm like looking right here like the camera is right there straight male listeners i am with you we are in this

together a lot of people like to comment like oh why are you listening to this podcast it's like for the girls and the gays like no we're here and we're doing this together. This one would let you know. You scare me. Well, SZA wrote a whole album about me and I didn't even fucking realize it. I didn't even realize it, bro. Hold on. Look. What's it called?

You're obsessed with your exes. It's Control and SOS. She wrote two albums about me. Those were all about you? Yes. This song? Tuesday, Friday, Saturday. She was cheating on me.

Saturday, Sunday. What is the boys? Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Hey, what are the Saturdays for? Saturday, Sunday, Monday. No, what are the Saturdays for? Saturday, Sunday, Monday. No, what are the Saturdays for? Phil, hey Phil, what are Saturdays for? Sunday, Saturday, Monday.

No, what else are they for? Saturday. Saturdays are for the... Saturday. No. Sunday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. the saturday no sunday saturday saturday saturday saturday like was he like on a fucking like kolonipin why was he like so

he was probably drunk as fuck because they were at the bar um okay i have a hypothetical for you india would you rather kill me or take two of Azul's legs from him? Oh, no. And you have to eat the legs. Oh, I have to eat the legs? No, I'm not doing... I'm killing myself. No, you have to kill me or Azul.

I'm not eating the legs. So you're killing me? Well, no. If I don't have to eat the legs, I'll take Azul's fucking legs. Oh, that'd be so annoying. Which one is it? I'm going to take Azul's fucking legs oh that'd be so annoying which one is it I'm gonna take Azul's legs like like why did you even think of that I don't know I think I saw like a handicapped cat Azul's shit on my bed oh yeah he's over y'all Azul is dead ass over like I literally came home from

a day that was already like taxing whatever boohoo carmier river and i go into my room and there's a fucking turd on my bed and now i'm terrified and i haven't replaced my covers because i'm scared of her shitting on it yeah i'm sorry and yeah that's like really hard my life is really well um i forget what we were watching but they mentioned the idea that like, or like when the first movie premiered on the silver screen, it was like a recording of a train. It was not comedian. Yeah, it was like a recording of a train. And the people in the audience literally ran out of the audience because they thought the train was gonna like hit them because they'd never seen i mean it makes sense they'd never seen a moving

picture before in their life but just the idea of that was like fucking killing us like that is so embarrassing to like imagine how those people felt after i'm gonna i'm gonna run at the camera and they're gonna jump out of the way are you gonna do that right now you're probably gonna trip on fucking wire i looked down and saw i saw i didn't trip you tripped i didn't trip you attacked me and then tripped well you deserved it i was just trying to be nice and i don't give a fuck because it hurt me i love chapel rome don't fucking look at me okay i won't i won't look at you chapel ron more like chapless ass or appless chat assless chaps inside of a chapel in rome that's a good one that was really good can i get the chapel rohnberger hold uh the statue of liberty sauce extra joint burger

h-o-t-t-o-g-o h-o-t-t-o-t-o-g-o fuck like bitch she literally does it with her arms how do you not know i don't know i just don't know well okay um i drink two days in a row are you serious yeah you probably bitch when he says that he means he had a sip of a fucking whiskey sour and was like oh i'm crazy i was crazy and then immediately got tired and went up to the room and then the next day i will say he chugged a drink by the pool and then complained about it for an hour i was like i hate that i don't know why i did that i hate that i hate this i drink for two days in a row that's technically i went crazy i went crazy i lost my fucking mind and low-key it was three nights in a row because i did have a sip of your whiskey sour the night before that's true i was blackout guys it's a slippery slope y'all all i can think about is

wanting to drink i can't do it anymore i had had three drinks this weekend. And then I woke up the next morning and I wanted to blow my brains out. Back to me. Yeah, I really don't like alcohol. That's it. I don't have much else to say. I love alcohol. I think alcohol is a good thing for everybody. Everybody involved.

Well, I don't remember if I've told this story before, but I was thinking about how last year when me and orion were in portugal for our trip uh i was really high and we were staying at this like this home that had like a little ledge and pillars inside of it and then she was like she was like for some reason this home gives me like sharon tate vibes and i was like what and i didn't know how sharon tate died and she told me and i have never been so scared in my whole fucking life like i was actually petrified i was so scared wait something else scared me the other night oh fuck i was talking about something oh no actually no that wasn't the other night i was really scared recently when i was high because i was convinced i was gonna go to hell

well yeah you are i didn't do anything let's talk about what you do in front of the church that's what was freaking me out um but we don't need to get into details but i actually was really like one of my friends was like oh do you believe in heaven and hell and i was like no and then she was like but if hell is real that's an eternity do you understand how long that is and that thought carried into me being really high that night and i was like religion is so fucking scary bro like bitch you're scaring it's scary you're scaring me you're scaring me that's why i started truth the truth and Druth. And I am the leader. The idea of some of the things that people think will get you sent to hell, though, is crazy. Bitch, I'm just having fun, the fuck.

Adam and Steve, more like Florence and the Machine. For any... Florence and the Machine, like, because I like Florence. No, you're a vibrator. Okay, well, my back hurts so bad, so bad but i like refuse to go to a chiropractor because i do not believe in chiropractors like i think that's the biggest damn of all time they just beat you the fuck up and that's supposed to help like there's actually no way that's occurred from chiropractors oh i'm looking that up i need to know like it's gotta be in the thousands yeah when they crack people's necks, it looks like you could easily fuck that up.

Yeah, no. And, like, when I was there, like, I was getting back shots like crazy. Like, they kept breaking my back and, like, bending me over and shit. It was, like, crazy. Dude, I'm not a chiropractor. I'm not a licensed. Twenty-six fatalities were published in the medical literature, and many more might have remained unpublished. Since?

I don't know know because if that's in a year 25 deaths per 75 years would mean that roughly 33 deaths occur each year oh my fucking god that's a lot like damn bitch and i would be the bitch to fucking die it's not worth it it's not worth it for real i went to one for like a year and all they did was just put me through fucking radiation and take like a fucking um x-ray scan of my body and just tell me yep everything looks good but we have to do this this and this and they would just do that like every two months and it was just completely useless because my back still hurts and now i'm out of a lot of money so like it was it was no your're backwards because i put your ankles behind your

ears the other day well that fixed me that like gave me relief on my sciatica y'all are yeah it's that scene in challengers at the very beginning do you remember that no we only saw it once because we were normal you saw it eight times so you know every scene like i could probably write out like the full script of challengers by like memory including the details of like so-and-so walked into the room interior day-night honestly it is getting to that point I just there's a scene where he gets stretched out at the beginning he gets all stretched out oh I think I do oh yeah and his bulge was out and shit yeah yeah yeah um should we get in the media chicken the media no that's what it sounded like it's not like you said chicken the media um okay my media is um controlled by sZA

she wrote it about me so duh and then what's that one taylor swiss song drew looks at me i write a note so he won't see i actually don't know fuck drew looks at me fake a smile so he won't so he will see okay my tear drops on my guitar because that's the other song that was written about me and then that fucking um sabrina carpenter uh wait was that one about me no you're thinking of billy eilish oh yeah yeah oh is it drew the light and wipe it i'm so drew yeah i see that one i forget and then um the whole drake and kanye joint concert experience that's your media of the week like what are you fucking saying how are you trying to say how is he trying to make the media of the week about him that was that was all about me they did that for me oh i totally forgot about that they did it to battle out like i always had about that who want me who? Who want me? Who want me? Well, my media of the week is Please, Please, Please by Sabrina Carpenter.

And then. That's that Taylor Swift song, right? Bruh. He has asked that Taylor Swift like eight times unironically. Sympathy is a knife and everything is romantic and girl so confusing off the Charlie XCX album. Did you hear the two new ones that just dropped? No, are they good? I think they're some of the best songs.

Damn. Are they about me? Yeah, they're both about you, actually. It's so confusing. And now he'll listen. They're about a mean girl. No, it's Guess and then the one that she was teasing on tiktok spring breakers oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's sick yeah no that album's rollout was

so fucking sick yeah like i haven't seen a good album rollout in like a couple years and that one ate down like that fucking wall like her pulling down the fucking curtain at the concert what is it lala palooza or whatever the fuck barcelona yeah i think it was lala palooza for some reason that clip cracked me up because she was standing at the wall for so long but i love her so much but it was cracking me up like she was just standing and like waiting for the right moment um but yeah the rollout is really good the live stream of the wall has been really good that album is just really good also um i'm balding i'm literally bald i noticed that and yeah i'm balding you see that i do see that yeah

fuck you're over couldn't that just be from like ponytail yes you're saying she's she has male pattern baldness girl no you don't you're just looking at it too much look at that though i can see it on the camera look how bad it looks on camera oh shit it actually does look crazy on camera wait look at my hair oh my. Do you see that over there? I think I'm going to get a breast reduction. Oh yeah, that is your vibe for the summer. Yeah. I want small boobs.

I'm tired. That's fucking boring. And I'm not going to touch you with a 10 foot pole after you get your boobs removed. I can't wait to have my small boobs out and not get arrested for it we can recover together because i'm getting uh bone stretching i'm trying to hit six three three six three the perfect time did i tell you i was also getting that surgery are you actually yeah where where are you getting that so embarrassing turkey i'm going to turkey also but i'm getting like seven inches at it on because i'm like I could. Because you're hella short and I'm not as short. No, because I want to be an NBA player.

No, we literally said in an episode like so long ago, you're five foot three. I forget about that. I'm five four. I'm five four. Five four with the inserts we gave you. Five five if I posture max. But it's normally five two without shoe. Without shoe.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, a barely lit path, one of tricks point never answers me, Arthur Russell. Oh, bitch, I've been watching H2O by, oh, fuck, Just Add Water, the mermaid TV show.

I watched four episodes last night. Fucking horrible. But it was unlocking and doing things to my brain that i fully wasn't prepared for and now i want to be a mermaid and i want a mermaid tail and i want to be able to freeze boil and move water with my mind yeah you should be able to do that they're basically waterbenders from avatar yeah so i love arthur russell trying to find the the song that he has a lyric that like i feel like charlie sampled but i can't remember fuck whatever all right thank you guys for watching bye Fuck, whatever. All right. Thank you guys for watching. Bye. Aba.

Aba. Aba, aba, aba, aba. I'm out.