Emergency Intercom - Men Shouldn't Cry

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

Drew's grasp on reality has reached an all time low as he talks about how an apple will eventually turn into every state of matter if it's left a box? Enya got yelled at over 100 times in Paris and they both agree that men simply shouldn't cry. Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Calling all sellers, Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. I'm going to be sexy and show some skin and I'm gonna show my husband beater you see what I did there?

cause I love women you hate women, you always like talk about it when the camera's off did you get that? are you filming this? oh I got it, yeah well, it's my husband beater because it's weird to say the other one. What's the other one? I don't even want to say it.

I'm gonna fucking hit you, bitch. Welcome to this... Oh, wait. Whatever. Fuck you. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Today, Drew is going to apologize for beginning the last episode by proclaiming his hate for women that was edited that I did it was obviously so edited they were like jumps and shit

I'm glad you can admit that it's not edited insert that clip okay on it that's not edited it's real dude I just love the idea of like you saying like that was edited and then like i was having to like find it like that wasn't edited um well i'm back i'm back from paris guys my life is a movie i actually have to get on another flight tomorrow because my life is a fucking movie she's busy

oh my god it's just so much and like i know everybody's concerned about me because they're like and yeah you you just work so hard you work harder than any person i know and know that i am in distress but i will make it i will come out on the other end okay i think me and kai are gonna unionize against you and get workers rights um hold on i have to text my fucking lawyer since you want to threaten me on camera because like you're not gonna do that you're not gonna do that and get away with that wait what there was something i saw oh um azalea banks and lana del rey beef when um azalea was like oh hold on it took me a minute to get back to tweeting you or some shit like that because I was like on the phone with my lawyer because you threatened

me and then Lana tweeted back and said that wasn't a threat it's a promise bitch literally that was the best beef ever and then there was fuck there was I think tweets between Demi and Nikki that I have to find that literally were like insane and someone was like this is real like look

it up but Demi we always it up. But Demi. We always bring this up when Demi's brought up, but the tweets on 9-11 about putting an airline on blast will actually forever be one of like the top 50 funniest things to ever happen on the internet. Oh, yeah. Like easily. Then apologizing right after.

Fuck, dude. I'm never going to find it's oh no i can't find it fuck or maybe it wasn't demi and um nikki but it's literally like it was just them going back and forth on twitter i i have to find it it's like i saw a tick tock of the tweet which is why i bring that up if you don't have the receipt sis because i'm sitting here in silence waiting for it i'll wait no wait i'll wait well how about this i'll wait i'll wait noted t-frog emoji no frog emoji t-frog emoji the frog sipping the tea. Oh, that was a thing.

Wait, is that emoji still around or did they fucking nuke it because of how awfully it started to get used? It's still around. And then also the notepad. You just tweet the notepad and get noted when someone says something problematic. I miss Twitter, but like I couldn't. It's just not for me. You know what I do enjoy though is that like tiktok it feels like i've the child or like the parent of divorce and like my like ex is

sending me pictures of our daughter like and that's how i feel about twitter is that like i don't get visiting rights to my daughter but my husband who is tiktok will show me some of her best moments so i don't have to deal with all the problems of like taking care of a child yeah yeah um well we were in the trenches of stan twitter like on our site accounts those bitches were fucking lit like that was lit as fuck you comparing it to being in the trenches of war and like twitter is war like it literally is it's the scariest place on earth it is i know like it's the only and i will always say it's the only platform where it was normal for someone to basically knock on your front door and be like you are fucking ugly and i want you to kill yourself

and there was just a whole tab dedicated to that like there's just a whole tab where like i could not miss if somebody wanted to be evil to me they could just say it to me and like it doesn't get buried under a million other comments it's literally like you go to your mentions and it's just there um but i do have to say i think in my past life i think i was suffering from famish or something like there is no literally that that one meme that's like um like the vibes are off today like no you're the vibes are not off you're just not on your age i feel like because there are some people okay first of all if you're a freak who naturally wakes up at 5 a.m., like, that is not something to brag about. Like, you are, like, neurologically wired in a way that makes me fearful of you. It's very primal. Yeah, it's like you in your past life, you were a murderer.

You were, like, running away from the police. Like, I don't trust you. Like, you're really scary. Because why is your genetic code telling you to wake up with the crack of dawn? It's because you have to leave from where you're hiding because you're on the fucking run. Yeah, because the lions are going to get you. Did lions eat humans in the olden days? Someone fucking said that I looked like an extra to the movie Year One.

Do you know the movie Year One? Kai, do you know the movie Year One? Is that the comedy one? Yeah, with Jack Black. It takes place in caveman times. Yeah, someone literally was like, you look like an extra in year one. And I was like,

I thought I was over like my appearance and like thinking I'm like ugly and disgusting. I have to look that up for reference. But that triggered something inside of me that like is, like that did irreparable damage. Like I will never recover fully from that, saying that to me.

Okay, I have to watch this because Michael Cera and Jack Black, are you fucking kidding me? How have I have to watch this because Michael Cera and Jack Black, are you fucking kidding me? How have I never seen this? It's kind of shitty, but it's also like shitty funny.

Wasn't like Keira Knightley in that too or something? I'm not sure. I don't remember the cast. I swear like James Franco. Who is Keira Knightley? It was like Keira Knightley with

I said her name. I said, who is Keira Knightley? Is that the girl from Game of Thrones? No, she's from Pirates of the Caribbean Yeah I've never seen Pirates of the Caribbean

That's a lie I just like have been saying shit And lying Is that too zoomed in No It's off center But the reason I was saying is I feel like in a past life I suffered from a famish is because I am always a little too drained. Like no matter how much like nourishment and like feeding and stuff I get, like I am always like slow and sad and drained.

So I think I'm just like in my genetic code, I was suffering. Juno Temple. That's what was suffering. Juno Temple. That's what I feel. Juno Temple? Yeah. You're just saying names. Juno Temple. I love David Cross.

No, who is Juno Temple? Juno. The It Girl. The It Girl of 2004. I don't know who this is. She's 5'2". She's from the United Kingdom. Oh, that's why.

Yeah. Notes on a scandal atonement. The Three Musketeers. Oh, Maleficent. Oh, okay. The Three Musketeers. Now you got my ear. Now you got my ear ringing.

She was in Maleficent. People who were born in 1990 are like 30 years old let that sink in okay just let i just saw 1989 and she's 33 people who were born in 1980 are approaching 40 or no they're already 40 cool fucking takes from these two people um how about this i said how are we still fighting diseasey the newest rapper diseasey fashion collection why was kanye west new fashion collection disease season nine? Because it was full of disease. Actually, I will say,

with everything Kanye West has been saying going on recently, he's a psycho and a tweak, but his new collection ate down. Like, those silhouettes were fire. You really like those shirts, huh? Yeah, the white lights and I don't know this. Yeah. Dude, I saw those and I was like,

I know some fucking obnoxious freak who I'm going to have to murder is going to buy it because it's like it's funny. And I'm going to have to push them off the fucking cliff. Like, bitch, you should be stoned. Lure them to the Grand Canyon. Be like, oh, my God, I love you. I love your minds. Like, I want to pick your brain.

We should go on a trip together. And then I kill them and dismember them and leave them in a van. I love the way you see the world. Me taking out of my cart right now. I just be like, oh, shit. Is he selling those? I don't know. I mean, that's our, like, he better not.

Who put me on the IG story? Okay, you know what? I'm going to step in. I'm going to stop him. I'm going to call him. Should I call him? Honestly, I was saying that the other day. I should call him.

If Kanye doesn't stop, Enya's going to have to stop him. I'm going to call him. You're going to have to step in. Yeah. I said, how are we still fighting diseases but we get a new iphone every year let that sink in like how am i getting how are we in your iphone fucking sucks balls i know it like the front camera iphone 14 sucks dick you can't say that because if someone from apple is watching and would like to send me another home

pod i'll take it. Did you get sent that HomePod? No. I've never been given anything from Apple. I was like, what the fuck? Why didn't I know that? But yeah, the new iPhone fucking sucks. But genuinely, how are we getting new iPhones every year?

But like, we don't have like cures for like almost everything. Do you want the real answer? Yeah, wait, wait. Oh my God. Do you want the real answer? No, next, next one. What were you saying while we were getting ready and like it literally sometimes when drew talks it sounds like he's trying to catch me in believing something he just made up so that he can make fun of me no no no no no this

is just like simple quantum physics babes actually it's not even quantum physics. It's just I saw this fucking video last night of this dude that said if you put an apple inside of a steel box that no particles can escape, no energy can escape. It'll basically run through all the cycles of possible matter, which is like 10 million to the 24th to the 24th power or some shit like that, which is like borderline infinite, but it's not infinite. So if you watch the cube on the inside long enough, you will see every phase of matter happen because like if time is truly infinite, nothing is impossible. You can like, if you put that apple in there, after 10 years, it'll be rotted and disgusting. After a thousand years, it'll be like just matter.

Then that matter will heat up to like 10 million degrees or some like that and then it'll start phasing into different forms of matter and then eventually some time time down the line it could be 50 billion years 10 trillion years from now it'll you could look inside the box and it will be an apple again a whole apple and that's why we have diseases. Yeah. And the new, we have new iPhones. No, the big pharma wants to keep us sick. Literally. Unironically, I believe that. But why do I give a fuck about what Apple's going to be doing in 10,000 years?

Oh my God. Like, really? It's just a fun, it's just a fun thought. A fun theory. But I truly believe nothing is real anymore. Like, I actually, I'm'm like i'm back on that bullshit where i'm like okay like something fishy is going on the world is magic and wait that one um uh song by casey musgraves

oh what a world don't wanna leave all kinds of it's hard to believe it's not too good to be true dude that song used to make me cry my fucking ass off we have been listening to like some of the best of what music had to give us music on repeat for the last like three days. Like biking. What's that Michael Jackson song? The one I've been. Oh, Love Never Felt So Good. Love Never Felt So Good is not the Justin Timberlake version.

Absolutely not. That is fucked up. Dance. Like why did he have to do that he had to ruin a masterpiece dance like that he was at the at the mic like dance like he like jolted towards it when he said that but yeah biking by frank's ocean is top 10 song all time but i don't know what the what the fuck he's saying half the time like really i don't know that's still a song dude doesn't know what the fuck he's saying half the time. Like, really, I don't know. That's still a song Drew doesn't know the lyrics to. I know.

We listened to it like 15 times, and I was trying my hardest to remember the lyrics. I just know when the lyrics happen. Do you know Tyler's verse? Yeah. But you just don't know Frank's? No. Do you know what Jay-Z says at the beginning? Yeah.

Okay. But it's like also, I have to hear the song to know what they're saying because my brain only works three seconds ahead of time into the future. Like I can't think much further into the future than three seconds. So I literally can't understand what the song is until I'm hearing it, if that makes sense. You know how I said. I'm back in, I'm back in, I'm back in slow-mo. Slow-mo.

That song is so fucking good. You know how I said. I do it here, I'm an impassable. You know how I said that Bjorkork's new album like that was it like like uh somebody or no i didn't make that joke someone else was like we hit it we we hit the end of music like we got to the end of it no 24 karat magic the album by bruno mars we also got the end and pit like peak of music like did you know Bruno Mars is 3'2"? He's 3'2".

He's 3 feet tall? Yes, and he stands on a little fucking pile of pillows every time he performs. Well, what if the pillows fall? They're green screened, so you can't see them. No, he's on a little thing floating above the stage. Oh, yeah, they have him on a harness, and they green screen. They render out the strings that are floating floating him around and they add legs yeah um we got the bruno mars skin on fortnight um and me josie and drew have been playing all as bruno mars

i literally loved that album so fucking much like i went through like a really crazy bruno mars phase i think with every single artist i have went through an intense phase where that was the only person I would listen to. I still remember your Gucci Mane arc. Oh yeah, that was good. What's that one song? I love white folks. I love that line. Was he voila on voila?

Voila. Oh yeah, he was on that. I love that song. But also, I just want it to be known that I don't think I can ever go to Paris again other than fashion weeks. Because I get yelled at there to like an extreme rate. Every single day, I am attacked. And I don't know

what it is about my person i don't know like i don't know what about me is so unwelcoming that i am being like why get rid of your own water babe it hasn't been watered in like literally months it's like yeah but like you're you're wasting my water supply what if we got fucking like oh oh oh great great like why did that happen just now what's up spotify this is hobby i remember this one time we're on tour we didn't have any guitar picks and we didn't have time to go to the store so we placed an order on prime and it got there the next day ready for the show whatever you you're into, it's on Prime. You are so fucking dumb. Our set is fucking ruined. It leaked all over the place, by the way.

We are not taking care of these fucking things. I know, we could have auctioned those off for like cancer research in like 20 years and probably made like $20,000 on them and we're like 20 they're like done um but i get yelled at all the time in paris i was walking around alone like also it's at this point it's like 10 40 a.m like it's not like it's i'm walking around at night alone and i had headphones on and i had just like cut my finger and i'm only mentioning this because i'm wondering if this is why this man felt enticed to like be a freak to me. But I pick up my fingers when I'm walking alone and I had like picked too much skin

and I was bleeding really bad. So I had my like pinky in my mouth and I was walking and listening to music. Wasn't even looking at my phone. I was just fucking walking around. And this man came up to me and was like, wait, that's a little so I don't knock everything over. He came up to me and was like, wait, that's a moodless, so I don't knock everything over. He came up to me and he was like, and then walked away. Like, he didn't say a word.

And I was so scared. Like, I was like, so terrified. And I was like, I know he's not asking me for the time. So I don't know what this is about. But it scared me so terrified. And I was like, I know he's not asking me for the time. So I don't know what this is about. But it scared me so much. And he was wearing so many layers. And I was like, okay, he's going to blow me up or something. Like he's literally like, he's going to fucking shoot me.

But then I was like, okay, I'm not in the US. Like I don't have to worry about being shot like that. But he did that. And I was so scared that i i just like kept walking because i was like he's like something about the layers was like really scaring me and then i like turned around and he was just gone like he literally had evaporated and like went around the corner or something and like ran away and i i just like walked so fucking fast down the street because it was a street where it was only us and i was, I am not dying in this random fucking alleyway.

And I just like basically like ran. And then another man, while I was waiting for my Uber, I was like looking around me and I like kind of caught eye contact with this man. And then he just like stopped and stared at me. And I was like, oh, my God. And then I like looked the other way and I looked back at my phone and he started walking towards me I was like oh my fucking god and then I like looked and now he's this close and he was just staring at me and I was like and I just like turned my body and kind of started walking but I didn't want to walk too far because I was waiting for my uber and then like i stopped again and i looked at him and he was still staring at me and then like i just would not give him eye

contact i just kind of kept like looking like past him and then after like a minute and a half he just like walked away if i was there i would have protected you how i would have beat his fucking ass i would have beat him up no one looks at my girl no one looks well what if when he ripped off all the layers it turned out he was harry styles and he was just nervous kicked his ass you okay no because now you can't do that you can't do that what if it was oscar isaac i would have fucked him right then and there um and yeah and then that doesn't add all the times i got yelled at in stores um well you Well, you were stealing. But, like, is that any reason to raise your voice at me? Yes.

I don't think so. It was mom and pop shops. There was failing mom and pop shops. And Enya stole thousands and thousands of dollars worth of goods. Because, okay, it's, like, y'all think it's okay to target, like, big franchises. Corporations. Like, they built it over years and years and years. Like, don't steal from them. Like, they did it. That's what I'm saying. Like, there's just so many people targeting walmart that i feel like i gotta

get down like i gotta start doing some groundwork yes like destroying it's honestly like charity work because you're making them vigilant that you're making them more like i'm getting them on their toes they're feeling too safe and comfortable in their community that they've built so i just make sure i fly into these cities yep and i take what i see is mine well i mean technically everything on earth is ours what do you mean just i can have anything i want oh like like but why technically why is that technically a thing i don't have to explain my mean um okay the but the last yelling at me story or but this one actually i got yelled at like there's so many more but this one was just like funny i was in a shop and i i like went there because i'm a freak and all i do when i'm there

is like go to random shops and i saw that they had varsity jackets so i was like i'm just gonna walk in here and i walked in and then i realized it was if Melrose training posts got zapped into a random store in Paris. And I was like, I don't need to be in here. And also everything was like quadruple the price. So I was like texting my friend trying to figure out where to go next. And I was like looking through racks and texting and I felt a presence behind me and I turned and it's like this little woman who owns the shop.

And I was like, hi. And then she was was like those jackets are all far too big for you and i was like okay she called you skinny i know she was like you petite sexy girl i could see your figure and then i was like okay like it's okay i like big jackets so i'm just kind of looking at your shoes like those jackets are too small for you. And then I was like, okay. And I went and looked at pants. And then she followed me. She was like, also too big. Like those are men's pants. And I was like, that's okay.

Like I like big pants. Like I just like bigger clothes. And then she was like, no. And she was like, go over there. Like over there is like where your stuff is. And I was like, okay. And I like listened to her because I was like, what the fuck? And I was texting my friend and like kind of looking through.

But like I was half assed looking through. And then I felt her behind me still. And she goes like I had headphones on and I hear something muffle and I like move my like air pod. And she's like, you know, it would be easier to look through the racks if you put that phone away. And I was like, OK. I was like and I turned around like, oh, sorry, I'm not from here. And I'm just trying to see where to go to next. Like, I like need to figure out where I'm going to go.

But I would like to keep looking. And then she was like, okay. And then she gave me a jacket and forced me to try it on. But I was like, I'm not getting this because you think this is cute because you don't care what it says on it. But it was like some random American varsity. And it said Mary Ann June or something. Like, it had a name like that on it. I was i'm not buying a jacket from fucking mary ann um and then i just was like no i have one like this and i put it back and then when she realized i wasn't gonna get anything i

was about to walk out and she goes okay bye like yelled at me um well you deserved it you deserved all of that yeah but i just had oh my god why are you looking under my skirt can i cut that no i'm not cutting that you're sending signals to me what i i was literally telling a story oh no just girls don't really talk to me that often so like when i'm gonna have a fucking panic, I'm going to throw up. Drew, I think I know why girls don't talk to you. Why? They may not be what you're searching for.

You don't give off that energy. I don't give off a vibe. I think birds intentionally shit on cars. Okay. They do. Have you ever seen birds shit on the ground no have you ever seen birds shit on a car a million times or is that gum I can't tell the difference between like

the spots on the ground is gum and we're heathens we're disgusting that is something that like the matter would never change yeah that will stay that forever. Literally ever. Is gum plastic? I think it's like petroleum based, which is like the same shit.

It doesn't feel like we should be chewing on something that's petroleum based. Is gum petroleum based? I thought you said petroleum paste. And I was like, what the fuck? Current modern gum is made of synthetic substitutes for natural rubber, namely butadiene-based. So it's rubber. Isobutylene is olfen petrochemical that's generally manufactured

from feedstocks and petroleum refinery or chemical plant i've circled back to swallowing my gum it's fucking lit that's the only way to do it really i remember it's actually illegal to fucking spit your gum out and throw it away in the trash and it's like you can't get like literally same with batteries you're not supposed to throw gum in the trash what are you talking about you're supposed to swallow it so your acids can digest it why did i believe you for a second you said something else the other day that i like fully believed oh hey fuck i wish we recorded this me and josh were sitting on the couch yesterday watching a video together and drew like called me i called her from the bedroom and um i had been

back there for like 30 minutes so i was like i'm bored no for like an hour like he like we got home and he disappeared yeah so i was just sitting on my computer watching videos and i uh called india after like an hour of being alone and i looked up like car crash um sound effect and i was like yo anyway took your car. I'm going to like 7-Eleven. Do you want anything? And then she was like, no, when did you? And I was like, oh, fuck. And I played the car crash sound.

And it's the craziest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. And it's like the shortest sound. So like it just kept looping. No, it didn't loop. It's literally just like but basically I acted like I got oh my fucking god I basically acted like

I got in a car crash he was like oh fuck oh fuck he's like oh fuck help help help like imagine you getting in this car crash dude and for a split second i was like because i didn't believe the what's the car crash thing happened me and josh cracked up and like because he played it for so long i also played it loud as fuck on my speakers that are super loud so they could hear it from the room um it was just it was just a funny little moment he like just kept playing it but for a split second my first thought was why

the fuck did this man just take my car without saying anything to me like i believed he did that and i was like okay like i guess we're like at that point where he's just taking my car um but yeah that was so funny and i wish there was a camera on that but you know what like sometimes moments are meant to happen without a camera and be told after for monetization yes um also on that same topic of my fun uh my friends being the funniest people on the planet i played this game and i won't give too much detail but i played a game where basically you have to be funny with a group of people who like that's not their job and they are not like funny who i mean what game the paranoia game oh okay i've never played it and that sounds like the scariest fucking game ever for me i'm not gonna explain the game because i'm a gatekeeper

from fucking hell but basically you just feel like everybody knows that game i've never heard of it maybe it's an east coast thing maybe but whatever i know people who are like i played that game all my life we're gonna be like how are you gonna keep a game but yeah bitch fuck you yeah go die kill yourself i'm gonna kill myself in three days um but i'm not gonna explain it also because it's just like too much to explain but anyway you basically have to be fucking funny like the whole thing is you have to um it's like a what if game like you have to make up a funny what if kind of scenario. And I felt like I was being held captive and like having brain like I felt like I was being observed by scientists through windows to see how I would react in a situation with like just like some of the most like normal cognitive humans I've like ever met.

And like that is not a bad thing. But I've said it once and I'll say it again. There goes my hair falling off. I am literally so grateful to have, like, funny-ass friends because it just freaked me out. Like. You're welcome. I give you so much of myself.

I give you every fucking thing. Can you do the Adam Driver, like, I wish you were dead? Like, do you think you would be good at it? No. I wish you so much of myself. I give you every fucking thing. Can you do the Adam Driver, like, I wish you were dead? Like, do you think you would be good at it? No. I wish you were dead. Oh, my God. Why'd you do that? His voice.

Like, why did you, no, what did you do to your voice? I wish you were dead. That's like if he was, like, in a, like. I wish you were dead. No, it's, what is it? Every day I wake up and I wish you were dead. Every day know, like, I wish you were dead. No, it's, what is it? Every day I wake up and I wish you were dead. Every day I wake up and wish you were dead. Every day I wake up.

No, is that the line? Like, let me make sure I got it right before. I think so. It's something like that. Every day I wake up and wish you were every day i wake up i wish you were dead should we play the clip yeah okay i've been loving watching people recreate this oh okay just every day i wake up and i wish you were dead no it's I hope you're dead. Every- Oh. Everyday.

Everyday I wake up and I wish you were dead. No, it's I hope you're dead. Everyday I wake up, I hope you were dead. No, and I hope you're dead. Everyday I wake up and I hope you were dead. No, honey. No, and I hope you're dead like you are. Everyday I wake up and I hope you're dead. Ew, you spit on me.

You're welcome. Okay, wait, wait. Everyday I wake up and I hope you're dead. Ew, you spit on me. You're welcome. Okay, wait, wait. Every day I wake up and I hope you're dead. No, that is hard. Every day I hope. Whoa. That's kind of good. Every day I wake up and I hope you're dead.

Whoa, and yours I think is better than yours too. He also has like a little bit of like a full saliva mouth. Like. Do you know what I'm saying you know what mine would be if i was in a long distance relationship um and i was really horny it'd be every day i wake up and i wish i could give you head oh every day i wake up and i wish i could give you every day i wake up and wish i could give you head oh and you're yours like kind of sounds like it every day it's like he like women can do it better

females can do it better what no what no you don't you you don't have to like you could say women females can do everything better um i will never wash my fruit i will just never i will never be the kind of person who like like, washes my fruit thoroughly. And I don't give a fuck. And I don't give a fuck about the lick ice cream challenge. Because I, like, I will survive. What's that? Remember when people were going to the grocery store and, like, licking ice cream?

Oh, yeah. I did that. Yeah. I would, like, I would lick the toilet. Then I would go lick the ice cream and try to get people COVID. Wait. But how would you keep the bacteria on your tongue from the toilet toilet i'll just hold it out licking the airplane seat toilet challenge y'all remember that one was that a thing yeah um but i will never wash my fruit and i don't

fucking care like what's like bugs bitch i'll eat a few bugs like bugs don't bother me unless someone's about to comment and tell me that the bugs that are on the fruit will like actually fucking kill me then at that point like it's the pesticides that you need to wash off but we buy our fruit from farmer's markets so we don't have pesticides in our fruit sorry drew's off drew had to take his nicotine break so he's standing off camera literally chugging his splash why have we not gotten a fortnight brand deal yet because i don't think they work with anybody ever damn i think like the only person ever was like ninja probably it doesn't feel good to not be needed we need our own fortnight skins i know like imagine our little critters we would actually sell 30 yeah and they would be like that was like the biggest the worst investment we've ever made

i think we have to i think the people pay fortnight for the skin to be on there really yeah i think so like i think maybe or i guess they would be licensing out they probably get like 30 of the sales or some shit like that how to get your like because imagine we could pay for one would you pay for it yes what's the most i i don't know how much would be the most i would pay for a fortnite skin fuck i have my slippers on so i don't even have a cute fit on right now oh this is so embarrassing i know this is like the worst fit ever No, this is like the worst fit ever. And yet, did you miss your gay bestie in Paris?

I'm straight. Why'd you just call him? Yeah, like, what? What do you mean? Don't ever say that shit again. This is my fucking hookup. Also, the fact- Are you telling me something I don't know? The fact that you'd say that to me as a shaken baby survivor is crazy.

What do you mean you're a shaken baby survivor? I think I'm a shaken baby survivor it's crazy what do you mean you're a shaken baby survivor I think I'm a shaken baby survivor he said that to me dead ass on the couch the other day and I didn't say anything about it what are the symptoms of you being that me just how you are do babies survive being shaken yes some do

hello I'm right here dude that was so gnarly some do um okay i'm done with you bitches sorry i have to read hey stop saying things that we have to fucking cut bitch um mom shit um i'm oh my god leave that in if you cut that you're fired fuck okay here's a theory or not a theory a hypothetical for you so you're in the hospital

and one of your family members is like really violently ill like you all know like they're gonna pass away soon yeah no you know they're gonna pass away soon and you don't realize that like um they're passing away but you or you don't know when they're going to pass away but you know

they're going to pass away and you're not in the hospital when they pass away but eventually they pass away with like a couple nurses around them and you're not like devastatingly sad over it you were expecting it it's whatever um how do you react if one of the nurses 17 minutes after your family member dies goes to a vending machine and uses their debit card to get a three dollar snack i saw that i don't think i would care that much yeah i wouldn't be like dude you like because as you were saying that i thought about like dude humans are so fucking crazy because to have a job where like your job is to be with people as they're passing away and then you just like well go home and make tiktoks and like buy like makeup and stuff yeah like you just like you just like live a normal

life after that you're just like i'm gonna go to flanagan like how about you just go get those snacks yeah like on my dead family members that by the way that's a real thing that yeah it is a real thing that happened and like i'm sure there are people who are like that's unacceptable but personally i don't know if i would mind i've had worse things done yeah i would just be like um don't do that yeah i'd be like maybe don't do that to someone else because like you will lose your job and everything you like love but like i don't mind did you have like charges pressed against her for that yeah i think she like thief like theft charges or something and probably something more like tampering with a dead body or some shit i don't know where'd she get the wallet the wallet wasn't in their like pockets it's probably just in the room yeah probably somewhere laying around

yeah i don't i don't think i would mind because i'm like you know what i wasn't there to hold my whoever's hand thank you for being there now go eat those doritos go get that kit kat now go have that let me get a bite though that that's the game changer is like will she be leaving some of the crumbs at the corner of the bag so i can rip it open no crumbs though that nurse left no crumbs she did her damn thing she did what she had to do um what was it that lucas asked me yesterday while we were playing uh fortnight he was like oh would you rather have um an eye patch or a peg leg so this is like pirate times like which one are you picking i picked peg leg.

Is my eye gone? Your eye is gone. Can I take the eye patch off? You were attacked by another pirate at sea and your eye is gone. Oh, so this is in the olden days. Yeah, no, it's literally, it's like, it's like pirate sleigh. Like, would you rather have an eye patch or a peg leg? Eye patch.

I feel like it's more iconic, but the peg leg is kind of sick. Peg leg? Can you imagine just fucking pegging someone with your leg and just like fucking their ass with your leg? eye patch i feel like it's more iconic but the peg leg is kind of sick um peg leg imagine he's fucking pegging someone with your leg and just like fucking their ass with you that was good yeah damn but i would just say you know what i would do is my i would get like the baddest wood carver in all of ye olden land to carve lit ass designs into my fucking wooden leg and i would have different legs for like a different sleigh so like i would have like i would have like a name

plate leg oh okay i'd have a solid gold leg. That would be heavy and you don't seem like the strongest person ever. So I would think twice. I would be fucking big in the olden days. You think you would be big? Yeah. I would definitely get scurvy. I would literally 100% get scurvy.

I'd be like, give me the candy. Fuck the oranges. Dude, you're going to get scurvy now. Oh, yesterday in the market, we were looking at meat because we made curry last night and we were looking at meat and Drew was like, I just shouldn't be putting anything that color in my body as if this motherfucker doesn't eat hot Cheetos. Like, at least that's a natural, like God given color. Like, how are they?

How are they getting the color in the hot Cheetos? Is it from the Beatles? Yeah. They grind up Ringo Starr. He's infinitely. No, beetles will never not be funny i'm so sorry the beetles bitch why did you pick that name because it's like the beat we're like the beetles like the beat we make we bring the have they said why they picked that name it's literally the beat tools b-e-a- That is not. Is that not how you spell Beatles?

It's B-E- No. Oh. Wait, wait, wait. No, beetle. A bug is spelled B-E-E-T. I thought that's how you spelled the Beatles. Yeah.

No, it's B-E-A-T-L-E-S. Oh my gosh. Why did they name themselves the Beatles? They took the idea of naming themselves after an insect like the crickets, but changed the spelling for a pun on musical beats. Oh, I actually think it's for a different reason. I think they named them that because they beat it up. Oh, they tear that P word up.

Say it. Go ahead. Say it. I just don't feel like I'm allowed to say the p word as a man you're not allowed to say pussy no probably yeah you you probably aren't allowed to say one until you've like seen one i think that is like the history that's the rule pissy pussy thought and let me have a peek you're you're giving me have a gander you're serving messy boots wait why am i giving messy boots all day today like all day has been messy

boots i'm like when i play fortnite i'm messy boots i swear to god um yeah that name is funny the beatles but every like i don't know if there's like any band name that necessarily i feel like it's fucking lit sauce like someone needs to name themselves the radio heads okay radio head is good radio head's really good but one direction isn't very good no that why sucks we're only going up yeah and the only direction is up um i'm trying to think of other ones like poisonison the Well is pretty good. But when I think of Poison the Well, I think of their like, oh, my butt. That's really good. I stand corrected.

Ew, I'm like, what is my feet hitting? I'm laying in the fucking puddle that Drew created by fucking watering his plant in the middle of the episode. I did what I had to do. This plant has been with us for so long. It's like the OG OG plant. Wow. It's been with us since the beginning. Wow.

Yeah. Also, one of the plants in the crib, like one of the four philodendrons have been with us since. The vine plants? Yeah, from the beginning. Oh, wow. Yeah. I take care of my babies.

I don't take care of my plants. Also, did you see where I moved the new fig? I moved it in front of the cords instead of the blankets it covers part of the TV but I'm like I will put up with that for beauty we need to furnish our fucking house

we're not moving I don't know what to do about the set I think we should just like blow up this house. This is such an easy set to recreate. But the thing is like, think about this. Someone else would live here and just like not know. Not know what this corner meant. Not know what this corner meant to thousands.

It's true. The history of this corner. What if they found out that we pay for like viewers and AI robots to be in like the community of our fans? And then like everybody who watches this and has made friends, they find out later that it's like a paid AI like situation. Do you think they would hate us or would they be like, you know what? Like I can look past that and like, yeah, I had like I had love. Very dystopian vibes.

Is that Azul? It's Josh. I'm actually about to shit myself by the way like you know when you have to poop really bad and then like um you start sweating a little that's the position i'm in at the moment have you ever thought about like why um humans cry like have you ever thought about like the act of crying well as a man i don't cry but like wait your morals seem a little messed up because like you're like super feminist super straight okay i'm just making sure i got that one i don't know what's the problem with that and then you don't cry yeah okay because if you cry you you're a pussy yeah okay no problem with saying it there

i know um but have you ever thought about crying like why do we leak water from our fucking eyeballs when we're sad no that is weird what's like the evolutionary reason exactly it's to clean our eyeballs maybe it's to show that we're sad so we can build our little villages and communities you know what freaked me out is um watching how to with uh john wilson and then the episode yeah we'll move on from that thought no it has to do with it okay no keep going no you want me to be silent i'll be fucking silent um and also laughing transcends transcends language barriers yeah i'm so sure stupid fucking bitch drew i i feel like you're right though oh my god that has to be it like just to show so that you can connect with someone and then like it builds community in the tribe to be like

they also are but that's our version except i do sniff ass like when i meet people i like i like go it's fucking weird when we're out like when she meets someone she like even in the fucking club she'll just be like can i get a sniff of your butt but you know what in the club it sucks because like there's so many other scents that are like kind of throws me off and then that's why i forget people's names so if i ever forget your name it's not because i don't like like you it's probably because we met in a setting where i couldn't smell your fucking anal glands properly. But in an episode of How To with John Wilson, he meets somebody whose job it is to make warning and labels and just signs that will transcend language so it's like you know you see something yeah like the radioactive sign or like um something that like will like make you like maybe lead to blindness and like you're not supposed to put it in your eyes like what are those signs supposed to look like and there's

it's so crazy to think about like the people who make that have to do that while keeping in mind that like in other cultures like maybe crying isn't seen like as such a like distress signal to like some other people like whether that be because of how serious they take um like emotional like um or you're a man yeah i guess like men don't that that would be a problem huh i don't even know if i'm crying it is low-key why do you move your hands when you talk like that i'm an expressive talker i move my hands with conviction and purpose and passion to convey that i hold the power in the conversation oh yes um but yeah that that like just circling back to the idea that like there are just certain things that really do transcend language laughing why do we laugh laughs are so cute

actually why do why do we laugh what is also the evolutionary i'm curious if everybody like at least two to three times a week has a moment where they like laugh till they almost cry. Because I get that all the time. And I've said this. Literally all I do is repeat myself on this fucking podcast. I feel like most people don't have that. Yeah, most people don't. And like I think that's also why something like TikTok and the internet is just so popular is because laughing is so addicting.

Like two times a week I will cry, but i'm not laughing to get there you know hey i was meaning to say this before we started but like don't say shit like that on the podcast oh because it fucks up the vibe yeah like it's supposed to be funny you're like killing like you're killing the algorithm so don't do that yeah i'm sorry you should get like a therapist or something but we can talk about it wow what um laughter can be traced back 10 to 16 million years ago oh there's not that much time come on there has not been that much time are you kidding me 60 you said 16 billion million oh bitch i thought you said billion okay there's still not that much has been linked to higher pain tolerance and signaling of social status its principal function appears to be creating and deepening social bonds as our ancestors begin to live in large more complex social structures the quality of

relationships become crucial to survival okay so that's basically what i wrote down you wrote that down that was just like a thought you had yeah that's how i wish like in high school i was able to speak on discussion boards like like that i don't know if that makes sense did you have discussion boards no what is that it was like you would like read a book and then there would be like essentially like the equivalent to reddit but like the school version on like a closed network and you would like the teacher would ask a question and it would be a discussion board and you would like have to post three of your thoughts responding to different people and their thoughts and like dude i remember that shit i always used to look at the people i had a crush

on and read theirs and be like where are they at like intellectually their thoughts yeah yeah because you're what is it called you're attracted to only intelligence oh i'm sapient i am actually sapiosexual sapiosexual you have to be fucking to be any kind of sexuality though right no you don't have to you don't have to be fucking you don't you don't you can identify as a sexuality but maybe you're not smashing but like you like you haven't like no one who is like intelligent has like shown you love back so hello hello true is exhibit a exhibit a using him sexually does not mean you love him oh jay just texted me in and out question mark. Can you get me some french fries? Yes. Get me french fries.

Podcast. Yeah. Wait, I won't be able to fucking eat it because I have to go to the fucking gym. I don't want to go to the fucking gym. I hate the fucking gym. I don't like it anymore. I hate it. He changes his mind like three times a day.

I hate it so much. He's going to come back and be like, dude, I'm so pumped up. After that, that felt fucking awesome because that's literally me. I went to the gym. I was like, I hadn't been sleeping for like the last week like i i think two days ago was the first day that i got like actually real sleep i'd been getting like three to four hours a night and like actually fucking dying like i thought i was literally dying um and i would i would force myself to wake up and you or like go to the gym really fucking early to my personal trainer and um I was like a shell of the

a human in those sessions and then like the last one of that week on like Wednesday after I worked out I was like holy shit is this what people feel when they like work out like is this why people are like you should work out because you feel so like you get like high from working out because I literally felt so good after working out. I was like almost like tearing up. I was like, dude, I literally haven't felt this good in so long. But. So maybe that should be motivation to go. No, I don't want to go.

To go and get those. Cause we have to do another fucking podcast after this. And then we have to do a fucking stupid shit after this. What's the stupid shit? You? Yes. It's nightmare, nightmare, nightmare, nightmare,'s just nightmare nightmare i mean i mean i mean um fuck what was i saying before that

i don't know i was doing the thing where i'm waiting for you to stop talking so i could keep talking but then i started listening which is the biggest mistake you can make you know you could have a response no why would I do that? You know what? Wait, I did. I said go to the gym, bitch. Yeah. And I won't say why I think you should go.

Oh my God. Let's just say you've got some work to do on your appearance. Sorry, I'm texting Josh to get cheeseburger fries and a coke can you get me some animal style fries? I'll give you money. We've taken so many breaks. Just time to refresh your brain. I have nothing else to say.

I had an idea for the podcast. I stand right here in front of the camera and then you guys just take turns kicking me in the nuts in the what? in the nuts do you get off on that? no I don't get off on that

I just think it would be a cool idea what about that is like cool? don't you guys think that would be cool? no I would have fun doing it but it would make me look bad imagine how funny it would be if i was like doubled over in pain and you guys maybe even continued to kick me while

i was on the ground what what is happening i don't know i'm just saying like it's an idea and then maybe you could get some dirt and like throw it in my face who's gonna fucking clean it up i'll clean it up okay and maybe while i it up, you yell at me and throw tomatoes or eggs or piss. That sounds like it's coming from your end. Like you just want to piss on someone. Yeah. I'll admit it. Yeah.

Is that something you guys would be interested in? Or is that like... We're going to have to think about that. Yeah, because that doesn't sound like can you please just say yes right now oh my god like why are you like leave us alone let us like figure it out okay all right yikes yikes i don't know if it's because um i'm back on tiktok in like full swing um but i'm so overstimulated all the time. I like need those dopamine hits. Like my little black box in my pocket is always like, pick me up, pick me up for no reason

right now. Do it right now. I just have to like, yeah, I pick it up and I don't have a reason to. I am yesterday got stuck in a loop on my phone, which means that there's like, I don't want to keep watching TikToks. I don't have any YouTube videos I want to watch. There's nothing happening on Instagram.com, which is the worst thing ever like okay we need to figure something out like there always has to be something happening on instagram.com that's

intriguing to me so i need people to like there needs to be like one mass like google calendar and like it's like first come first serve and like everybody has to like pick their stuff i literally have no idea what you're saying right now because like sometimes you go on instagram.com and there's nothing happening and it's like where are the posts like where are the dms where are the stories yeah where are the people where are the ig stories where are the close friends where are my close friends at like i need my close friends to be posting i took you off of mine oh my god why i don't fuck with you anymore you did me dirty you know what That's okay because I can disconnect like my Instagram relationships from my true world relationship. So I don't, I think you still love me in person.

Yeah, you think. That's a thought. Having a thought. But yeah, and then I get stuck in a loop where like there's nothing like interesting me and but i can't get off my phone and then what's really bad about that for me personally is that means i'm biting the skin on my fingers and i'm like fucking destroying my fingers but i can't get off my phone and i know getting off my phone would make me get off my fingers so usually what i do is then get i get on fortnite yeah yeah yeah i just and i don't pick up a book or do anything like useful i just i move i'm always like damn like my screen time

today was only three hours i fucking slayed and then i played eight hours of fortnite like looking at another screen and watching youtube videos on my ipad and there's always a screen to be watched that's the scariest fucking thing i know we've said it before but really really fucking think about that like 90 of your day is filled with looking at some fucking screen like it's terrifying i have a few books oh my god like i read books do you read books yes yikes you don't read books i read books embarrassing like there's a screen right there there's a screen right there there's a screen right there screen right there crazy there's a screen right there. There's a screen right there. There's a screen right there. Screen right there. Crazy.

There's a screen right there to the outside world. Think about that. Windows are just another screen. Yeah. You ever thought about that? No, that's real as fuck. I don't think it's that big of a deal, and I don't really, like, care. Like, that there's, like, so many screens to be watched.

Because it's not like destroying my life it is destroying my life i could be in a fucking famish like my ancestors because you know how i said i came from wait what like like i think about like okay what's worse like me being stuck on my iphone or like me being stuck eating corn like kernels that i found like under dirt because like there was no other food for me like you get me i'm so fucking confused where did that come from i'm just saying like it like because you know how earlier in the episode i was saying that i came from fan famish yeah and my dna tells me you know and yet like yes you were stuck to your iphone and like paralyzed on your bed right now but in your past life you were digging to your iPhone and like paralyzed on your bed right now. But in your past life, you were digging through the dirt for like a rock that was soft enough to eat. For minerals.

Yeah. Females. Women's inherent need to look at a screen all the time comes from gathering DNA. You think only women use their like screens but you just said you use your screens i was fucking lying oh my god jesus why are you like yelling at me you i know you're about to say no i i really thought it was you saw my double take i really thought it wasn't recording i almost had a fucking if it wasn't recording i would just i would i would simply not never post another episode again i swear to god I would never it would be bad oh with that

being said next week is our last episode before we go on a two week break yeah so keep that in mind and honestly that two week break might become a fucking

indefinite break yeah because I'm fucking sick of you bastards because you aren't fucking respecting us anymore yeah where's the love and respect where's the news and the media

literally where's the news and the media literally where's the news so if you got if you guys want us back you have to make 18 everybody watching this has to make 18 thirst tiktoks about me yeah me too and that's a lot and me okay like like honestly we should let him have it little little guy. Really? No, he was fucking joking. Damn. I want my cherry vanilla Coke so fucking bad right now. That is going to be one of the first things you consume in the day. I had my water.

Me making fun of you like I didn't eat Milano cookies and Kit Kats for breakfast. Milano cookie is a form of breakfast. I remember one time somebody who I was seeing told me that like a pastry isn't a breakfast item because remember you were there when that happened because i was like oh i'm gonna get donuts and then i'll save one so i can have it with my coffee in the morning and then that person went on to be like oh that's not a fucking breakfast like that's not breakfast you can't have that for breakfast you can do whatever the fuck you want yes you tell them girl power come here if you want that donut have that fucking donut

do you know what i mean get what you want um but you're a fucking freak if you don't have like a little sweet thing for breakfast like okay oh actually, now that's pissing me off because how the fuck is a donut not breakfast? But I could go to fucking some random spot in LA and get fucking cherry blossom waffles with strawberry bananas

and Nutella on top and that's breakfast. Explain that to me because what the fuck is the difference between me having a fucking crepe and me having a donut in the comfort of my fucking home?

Where are the crumbs? I want a crumb, but you had them all with your donuts. Where are the crumble cookies? I'm going to blow that factory up. Those look nasty. No, they're good. You have not had a crumble cookie. It's like a delicacy in Texas.

I've had it like a hundred times. My parents love crumble cookies. Of course that shit comes from fucking Texas. I don't know if it comes from Texas, but there's one like we drive 45 minutes for our crumble cookies. Swear to God. We drive to Fort Worth. Isn't that fucking crazy? It's a lit ass thing.

Okay. I'm cutting this episode short right now. We're cutting it right now. We're getting into the media. You are bored. Well, what is there supposed to like actually what are you supposed to do in texas like you see you've seen my hometown what are you supposed to do there read a book expand your mind beat my meat like that's literally all there is to fucking do i swear to god

on on on god what okay here's my media of the week biking yeah ride by lana del rey um i'm trying to think of them off the top of my head you can go now sometimes i look at you and i realize like you're a real person here and then i try to imagine you dead because that like makes you realer and then it scares me do you have that like like in my head sometimes when i'm like around people i'm like this doesn't feel real but then i imagine having to like bear the trauma of seeing them in a coffin and i'm like oh they are real that's never happened to me but what like kind of the same thing. But I, when I, like, look at people too long in their eyes, they lose all life inside of them. And they don't look real for after a while.

And then, like, I have to, like. You need some bitches back. No, no, no. You need a partner. No, like, that's happened to people. Like, we've had this conversation on the podcast before when you're like you realize someone's like real yeah a lot but what the fuck you mean they lose life because i want to kill them oh daisy by strawberry machine yep um before today 2015

remaster everything but the girl. Such a good song. And then. Sorry, Kate. I put something in my neck while I was working out the other day. And now when I like move my neck a certain way, whatever like vein or something is right here hurts so bad. And then Smiling Off by Black Dice. So hopefully I stretch so hard one of these days that it ruptures and I fucking die. Wait, what was the last song?

Smiling Off by Black Dice. What? why are you laughing uh what anya said was funny are we gonna play fortnite oh no we can't i don't have time we need to end this now bitch okay here is my media of the week pillow talk by sylvia which i've already said catch me by pretty poison outside miracles by alex g don't fucking ever interrupt me again daniel bergoli's fucking lit bad baby morning by azimuth azimuth never can say goodbye by jackson five and then um baby be mine by michael jackson all right thank you guys so much for listening to this episode next week will be our halloween special it's gonna be our halloween special it's gonna be our last episode for two weeks because we're going on

vacation because as you can tell from this episode we're losing it we're losing some steam we're freaking the fuck out um so but while we're on our break we're going to be recording an episode though and we're probably gonna uh our plane is going to crash into the fucking ocean and you'll never hear from us again have we told should we tell them where we're going no y'all we is going to crash into the fucking ocean and you'll never hear from us again. Should we tell them where we're going? No. Y'all, we're going to somewhere special. No, because y'all are fucking stalkers. Yeah, y'all will follow us there.

And you're going to fucking freak me out. No, we... Oh, it's going to be fucking lit when y'all find out where we go. Y'all are going to be like, what the fuck? So random and cool, these guys. Random core. Okay, bye. So random and cool, these guys. Random core. I'm getting tired. Outro Music