Emergency Intercom - mother is mothering

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

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Rolling, rolling, rolling. Rolling, rolling, rolling. Dude, your TikTok feed is so insane. Yesterday was one of the first times you were sitting next to me and i wasn't on tiktok but you were and i was listening to everything on your timeline and it was genuinely freaking me out it's like mostly basketball a different world it's mostly basketball and then it's just very normal content in between that sometimes unless it was just like it was an off day yeah i didn't i i have like a

problem on tiktok where i like every single fucking video that i see i know drew's likes every day he has like 40 new likes yeah so like it's not curated at all um but i interact with content i want to see more on my feed um just so the algorithm knows oh he likes this let's uh put it put more in front of him. Oh, you would know a lot about curating your algorithm on TikTok. Oh. Oh, my God. Should I talk about the TikTok I saw that literally,

I have to look up, I wish I saved the TikTok itself, but you know that guy, what's his name? Christian Walker. I saw a TikTok from Christian Walker, which is crazy that we've also seen the timeline of him going from crazy conservative to far left feminism, like all inclusive feminism talk on TikTok. It's so insane. I think he's like advanced like Trisha Paytas. Like I think he like like obviously he played it.

He played the game. Yeah, he knew what he was doing most of the time. But like obviously that does not like make anything he was saying better. But I think he's making up for all of his damages to society. He's righting his wrongs. Yeah, yeah. But I saw a TikTok of him replying to this guy i'm sorry but why is there literally green sludge coming out of my mic right now it's from your

stinky ass breath ew motherfucker there's literally green sludge oozing out of my mic you know what's even gross for like grosser than anything is when that thing popped i think that's been sitting on there forever so that's where our black mold is coming from. Ew. That's why I have a fucking raging migraine right now. It's because the rotten watermelon kombucha. I know why we have migraines right now. We'll get into that next.

We'll talk about that later. But he was talking about this dude who made a TikTok in reference to wanting real women back. Like men don't want, oh, it was a conversation about how women are saying that men now just want a mother. They don't want a girlfriend. They want somebody to replace their mother, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Christian Walker quoted it.

Period. It was going in on, oh. That's literally tea. Like you want a mother i hate that i want mama i like that of course bro like that's like we could have all guessed that um but basically he's talking about men and like how men aren't real men these days and then he says the term addicted to corn and i was high when i heard that and i was like oh wow i guess like we are addicted to corn like corn like we're eating chips always eating chips always eating red 40 like yeah wow and then i was like weird thing to point out like a diet but okay it's like addicted to corn and following 3 000 other women on instagram and i was like whoa what a weird jump like corn to instagram like okay i guess i get

that but the more i watched it was like oh he's saying corn instead of porn because of like how people on tiktok try to avoid words like suicide kill whatever unalive yourself we all three need to unalive ourselves in a pact i hate that term i hate it i'm like but don't just say kill yourself the ai has to be a little smarter than we think like why do we actually think saying unalive is going under the rug versus suicide yeah but god knows that people aren't brave like me like i i told you all the time i'm like kill yourself i fucking hate you yeah and it's really scary and it puts me in a really dark place a lot of the time and i'm gonna keep doing it until i get what i want oh my god but i love you uh i love you hey did you finish um oh the thought

but no it was that was kind of it it was literally just i am actually fucking dumb as hell because i went to drew's room and i didn't realize until i got in drew's bed and i was about to tell him and talk about christian walker and then i was thinking about i was like why was he saying corn though and then i realized it was we've been like we cracked the fuck up we've been like snuggling in my bed a lot recently like unironically you just like cruise over there because i don't show my face for 14 hours and you're like wait where's drew and then you come in my room and i'm just laying in bed on some device i'm not using the apple vision pro as much as y'all fucking think i am i watched one movie on it and then it was like oh he's trapped in there no i used it what it was for

it died very quickly and i put it away but i did um kai got a video of me that's kind of embarrassing we'll insert it now what are you watching right now what what are you watching dude i'm watching the football players no you're. You're watching something else. Drew, that sounds like fucking gay porn. Okay, dudes dog-mowing themselves? It's the straightest thing ever. Hold on. Are you in your shirt? You want me to put that on? Yeah, I don't mind.

It was just like i was watching the game on the tv but i also had another football game of men like tackling and that's why you hear all the grunts like it's not because like oh like what like i'm not watching gay corn like i literally i like was watching football and that's like what the fuck is gay corn football is like homosexual in itself you all have to take everything so i don't know like literally like what going on at the end i'm like no corn is for everybody like first you take the like rainbow now you're taking corn from us like why are you taking what am i supposed to eat um but we me and inya woke up with raging migraines today um and like we won't get into

too many details because i don't want people to think this is okay behavior and i don't want to be a bad influence yeah um but like halfway through the super bowl yesterday which go chiefs shout out the chiefs um movie was so happy that they won um actually i literally don't give a fuck but it was fun like rooting for a team that everybody hated like everyone was like fuck them like i hope they lose but like also patrick mahomes i'm not even gonna get into it um i was just gonna say yeah literally top three quarterback of all time and he's like only like five years into his career like that's crazy he's 15 i know it's really fucked up how old are how old do you have to be to play football it's actually i think you

have to be 21 like you have to play three years of college 21 21 um which i just found out like a couple months ago but i could be lying but like in basketball you can you you used to be able to just go from fucking high school to the nba but uh they made it so you have to play like you have to be 19 so you have to play like collegiate ball um prep ball whatever um but yeah the 21 they make sense so when they win the game they can all get naked and spray champion all over each other i was just thinking about that like imagine being a reporter um in the locker room after like a game like and all of these dudes are just getting butt ass naked in front of you and it's just like literally they don't care like you're not supposed to care but like i'd be like thank god i'm wearing my ray-ban snapchat glasses right now no i'm like

thank god i'm wearing um my skims bodysuit because my boner would be showing everywhere my compression shorts uh drew was googling travis kelsey bulge during the game well i was trying to make a point i was like that's crazy to go after your ex's new man like that like that's so weird like minority report in a point. I was like, that's crazy to go after your ex's new man like that. Like, that's so weird. Like Minority Report in the Apple Vision. He was like blowing it up with his hands. No, let me let me defend myself.

I was saying it's crazy that they don't wear cups. And I could tell that they don't wear cups because you can see their full cock and ball outline. Some of them look like they're smuggling grapes out there. Little baby acorns. Hey. Some of them was like jumping around i was like oh oh my god oh wow and that's why i'm like oh football's gay as fuck because you know these men see that and they just act like they don't see that like there's cock and balls flailing around as they're piling on to each other this thing might be happening that i do often when i see like two close best friends when they're like all over each other, like two best friends. I'm like, that is such weird behavior like that.

Like you're literally gay. Me and Orion don't do that. And then I realize, oh, me and Orion are like kind of gay. So that's why we don't do that. So you're doing that with Paul right now. You're like, how are you not looking? And it's literally. Kai can't look me in the eyes today.

I don't know what happened. Because I don't know. You have like don't know you have like this aura aura mysterious aura i can't whoa what the fuck like you said i can i'm gonna enter my mysterious aura arc like i'm gonna like shut down and no one's gonna know what i'm up to or where i'm going and i'm just gonna be like this being that everybody prays i'm'm going to be a false idol. That would mean you would have to leave the house. No, no. Where are you going to go? Exact opposite.

I lock myself inside. You already do that. You already are a mysterious aura. I'm mysterious. Every time I'm outside, I'm like, where's Drew? I'm like, he's at home. And people always ask that. He's at home.

And they keep asking. But notice how people ask where's drew it's because i'm wanted and i'm a great person to be around people want me in their life but you know i have to take time to myself because i don't want to spread myself too thin and i just want to like um have these like intimate moments with myself i wish i could have a spotify wrapped of how much time you spent sinking in your mattress. Yeah. No, if you look at my mattress, there's a pit. It's a full body.

Drew stays home so much because he has his bed sores. He can't let them heal. I know, yeah. He needs to make sure he's working on those bed sores. My nasty little bed sores. The day I do get a bed sore, I will leave the house. But until then, I'm staying here. I'm not fucking leaving.

Whoa. Wolf of Wall Street. I've never seen that. That's for fucking leaving. Whoa. Wolf of Wall Street. I've never seen that. That's for straight guys. Yeah, that's for guys. That movie's for boys. That movie fucking rules. Yeah.

It's up there. American Psycho. Oh, shit. I've seen that. I feel like I'm in. Dime me up. I feel like I'm in. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I was going to say, you better. Are you serious? No, no. It wasn't that wet no you your hands actually haven't been uh soggy at all recently they've been a little bit i swear to god kai i like dabbed you up like four times yesterday and i was like oh yeah and i was literally like oh he like got carpe diem or whatever on his fucking hands yeah carpe diem dude I don't think it's called carpe diem. Live and let live. Carpe diem means seize the dick, right? Oh my god.

You guys actually need fucking help. Or seize the day. Yeah, that was a Freudian slip. Freudian slip there. Okay, so this is something that's been heavy on my mind recently. We didn't even say what happened during that. We've gone so far off track. Well, in the middle of the super bowl um we'll bleep it uh or do we i don't know i think we blur and bleep and let people

decide what we decided to do in the middle of the super bowl we were like okay like we're gonna if the cheese swim um because mind you we've had access to this thing for two months but me and drew because i do think there is this idea online because of the way we talk about your childhood and your interaction with drugs and then my lack of care for interactions with drugs that there is this idea that we are down for whatever and we do everything, but we literally don't because we have had access to this thing for two months, and the person who gave it to us, every time they come over, they're like, let's do it, and we're like, yeah.

Maybe not. Yeah, we're going to do that. It's kind of scary. I don't want to do that. And we both said that we would do it if the Chiefs won with the idea that they were going to lose because it was before the second half, so we were like, oh, yeah, if they win, we'll definitely do that tonight. Like, that's the vibe. Guys, I'm just going to lose because it was before the second half so we were like oh yeah if they win we'll definitely do that

tonight like that's the vibe guys I'm just going to spoil it it's black tar heroin oh my god don't tell them that shit it was really good though it's good content we have to bleep that you can't just tell people we do heroin also

okay anyways Chiefs won we were sipping um i've shot a little vlog of us creating it um and making the concoction and it was such a little vibe and it was so fun that was the most fun part was like getting ready to do it but all of us were really scared because drew did he does like extra research about everything. And he found a Reddit link of somebody saying that it could possibly make you nauseous because now they've changed like formulas to avoid people using it recreationally. It's like acetaminophen and like hydrocodone.

Like there's five times the amount of acetaminophen inside of a hydrocodone pill because if you take a lot of acetaminophen, it's going to melt your fucking liver um it's the same idea with this there's another component inside of it that makes you extremely nauseous to exactly like what you said um so we kind of like we're like chickening out there were some other factors that were like we were like i don't think we should do this but anyways we made it we did the damn thing um it was such a little vibe um we drank it and um absolutely felt nothing like it was horrible it was boring um we were trying to convince ourselves and then i started getting like a raging migraine i was like what the fuck is going on with my head right now?

And I even went to bed and got my Theragun and was putting it on my temples and on the back of my head, which I had just found out that there's a higher stroke rate recently because people are using Theraguns on their neck and causing fucking blood clots in their aorta or whatever the fuck. And I did it anyways because i was in so much pain and then i just like knocked the fuck out had a great sleep woke up and my brain still feels like it's on fire so i yeah i have the worst headache of my goddamn life right now yeah um but yeah we were but it was such a vibe because we were watching the best stuff we've watched in a long fucking time. We were watching robot fights and school bus races and derbies. Car demolition.

And car demolitions and car jumps. And I need to go to a car demolition show, like a derby show, so bad. I need to go to a car launch. We were watching cars get launched off of a mountain and a bunch of people standing around and watch. I drove past one one time. I need to go to a car launch. We were watching cars get launched off of a mountain and a bunch of people stand around and watch. I drove past one one time. I was like driving on my road trip from California to Texas and we drove through or fucking Idaho to Texas actually.

And we drove through Colorado and there was this big mountain with like a pile of like skeletons of cars and like there were a bunch of them and we asked the gas station attendant. They were like, yeah, they do the car launch. And we were like, what the fuck is a car launch? they were like oh we drive cars off the cliff and i was like what do you mean this is like the most insane thing ever we'll insert a clip so you can see um but they literally launched cars off of the side of a fucking mountain it's so beautiful it

is literally beautiful yeah like it's pretty as fuck and then battle bots iconic like if you know you know i'm not even gonna give you a little taste of that i was way too into that last night like i was the last ones left standing watching it on the tv it was so fucking cool um and i wish i had any sliver of intelligence to make a robot to fight it's like a lifetime passion like i wish i had something like that that i was just like like wanted to hone this craft and i was addicted to it and it was one thing that i was really fucking great at but instead i'm great at a lot of different things so it's like kind of hard yeah you're kind of like a jack off all trades yeah yeah jack off he said jack off that's what that's the term jack of all trades no you guys are thinking of like penis

stuff again because it's like all i don't think so i feel like we're right i think it is jack of all trades kai what yeah jack off why would you fucking say jack off of all crades? Of all crades. Oh my God. I literally like, I think I've stroked out like, and I think I have like a slow brain bleed. Like in my cerebellum or some shit. Like whatever controls your speech. Because like the amount of words that I've been getting mixed up the last like three or four months has been horrifying.

It's been really scary it's because you need to read a book simple i read articles on my phone the articles are tiktoks yeah all right tiktoks of people relaying articles i'm like okay screen no work smarter not harder i guess realistically our parents would be i'm sure our parents did the same thing and would lie and say oh yeah i saw that in an article when they meant they watched the fucking news how do you learn information i'm not even gonna get into it i have a whole spiel about that i don't want it um did you see the letter from the irs no don't why are you why are you bringing that up i didn't see that okay um we'll

just move on what the fuck um that's what i'm saying like why are you bringing that up right now do y'all know about the glitter mystery the glitter mystery what the fuck are you talking it's a big conspiracy it's it's lit it's a fun one it's not like when you get glitter everywhere and then never oh that's never glitters is the herpes of the craft world the glitter mystery shall we get into it okay so i feel like it was like five or six years ago um there was a new york times article on glitter and the interviewer i know what you're talking about the interviewer said or asked what the biggest market for glitter is and the person at this glitter company Mega Glitter

Corp literally almost instantly was like no I absolutely cannot talk about that like I'm not I'm not talking about our biggest buyer she pushed back and like it's fucking team but she like pushed back and the person was like but you know what it is um and she said oh god yes oh my god oh my god i'm literally so stupid um i should

have done my research you're smart thank you kai um but basically the girl said um you know what it is um but you'd never ever be able to guess what our glitter is in. Like you'd never ever, ever know. And then this sparked like this huge conversation. They were like, what the fuck is glitter in? Like people were saying it was like obvious ones like boat paint and like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like people were saying like, oh, maybe they put it on in like resort beaches to make the sand more glittery or like maybe for some reason they're putting it in our water supply and we just

can't see it to make it more sparkly like whatever it is and people are just like guessing like crazy like toothpaste money um construction materials like concrete shit like that um well something popped up on my for you page recently and i fear it is what the glitter is used for and it's military application duh would make sense but it's called i think it's chafe or chaff c-h-a-f-f y'all listen to what this shit is so dfw's like weather page posted this like radar like weather radar and there was like this big mass over la and it was like this long or over uh fort worth and it was like this long line and it looked like light rain and they posted like you might have seen this on the time or on your radar today but it's not rain it's chaff chaff or chafe or whatever the fuck it is or however you say it is literally microplastics fiberglass and aluminum that the military drops out of

planes to cover up the planes on the radar so like they're dropping fiberglass all over the world and then i was like wait what the fuck like what is fiberglass and everyone was like wait they're dropping fiberglass all over fort worth and it was like a big piece of the radar like it's it's a long fucking line like this is like granberry all the way over to like fucking cleburne like it's a long line and then the uh weather channel like saw all the backlash and they were like we've seen a lot of concern about our comments regarding chaff over dfw the other day we want to report on what we know and can confirm what we mentioned in our posts as forecasters we don't typically um or personally know more information on the impact on wildlife water and people um weather radar representation is more a

thing um we would love to answer some of your concerns and basically they were like the research on its effect on humans nature wildlife is very limited and they kind of just are like oh like it should be fine like that's it but they're dropping fiberglass out of the fucking sky how could dropping fiberglass on humans be fine literally literally and like has it been in use for a long time yes i like went to this other website and it was saying fiberglass prone yeah literally but i went to this other website and it's like something from like the fucking 70s or 80s that they've just been doing all the time. Which I'm also like, girl, stop doing that. We have like technology that you don't need to drop fiberglass out of the sky as a military exercise to hide a fucking plane.

Yeah, just use the same LEDs that we have on the sphere in Las Vegas and put it under the plane and have it be the sky. Like, hello, guys. Chicken Little, hello. chicken little says hello but yeah I just like went on like a crazy deep dive and basically now I believe that that is where all the glitter is going but I'm I'm done I'm serious I'm so tired of this shit I'm so tired of it being like oh there's a pedophile island and then being like no there's not and then there is a pedophile island and then it's like oh there's chemtrails and then it's like there are chemtrails and then fucking biden posts the photo dude dude with the laser eyes saying i am a lizard or whatever i thought i thought he was hacked i literally could not actually believe that photo it says just like

we drew it wait hold on i think it's real joe biden joe biden said my fucking name keep my name out of your fucking mouth you lizard person i don't trust you with your laser beam eyes actually i'm actually gonna get my lawyer on this like this is crazy so um so your your name also can be used as like a verb um and i i don't think he means yeah because like it's cool like i'm cool also this is like they thought this shit was gonna break the fucking internet no it only has 895 thousand like it has less than a million likes a million likes joe biden's ig post didn't get a million likes he's literally flopping like 86 percent of america was like he's too old to be fit for president 86 i think everyone thinks he is he's 130 years old isn't he like 80 like he's like 74 maybe

he looks 82 it's elder abused abused oh he's 81 yeah imagine he won he'd be 80 fucking five all 85 year olds that i know are literally withering away and turning to dust like five year olds i see are on tiktok and it's somebody recording them and it's like the saddest video i'm about to see exactly it's like all-timer dementia that's crazy that the president of the united states could be three times the age of how the oldest you got in like the 20s was yeah wait what is like why do you have to be 300 years old to run for president isn't it like 65 or something like that it might be oh it's 40 yeah i thought it used to be 35 okay why aren't 40 year olds not fucking my my friend was talking

about this and he thinks it's we have to be 35 yeah it could be a twink damn not me knowing more about y'all like than y'all about politics and whatnot right now i don't give a fuck i mean like literally like what's the point so true and ironically two sides of the same coin they're both evil my friend was basically saying that like the cabal of 70 year old white people just want to like hold on to this did you fart into the mic no yeah he did and it smells it was like a wet fart it wasn't oh that's gross well i'm not gonna finish what i was gonna say because the cabal of wet and i can taste it oh he's basically saying like there's like 70-year-old white people that like have all this money and power and they're like, they just refuse to give it up. So like they won't let Gavin Newsom run because he's of a different generation.

Like it's a big enough generational divide that he would actually have like actually different ideas. Yeah. I can't wait for those fuckers to die. I think it also is like the whole game of it is you have to be in politics for so long for anybody to take you serious. And then by the time they take you serious, you're fucking haggardy and dying. I can't wait for the wealth transfer. The wealth transfer is going to be crazy. It's going to be a movie.

But what's going to happen to me? You're going to be up. It's going to be up and it's stuck. Are you saying that I'm not a part of the 1% right now? Because you would be lying. Like, seriously, guys. seriously guys are rich as hell i'm freaking like not a part of the one this percent babe um okay but what you are a part of is a new conspiracy that i'm forming on you how on me yes because i saw the video of you on my feed um oh this is crazy i know what video you're talking about it was scary and i've been saying i think you're a plant in my life you're a cyborg you're like this npc or something

and this video proved it for me i'm not kidding is this what you showed kaya lunch yesterday yeah this is insane i've seen this look at your eyes watch your eyes watch your eyes everybody the top comment was she had to take a peek at drew i saw someone was like guys is this mean no her eyes are not like that it was just like data glitching or something, but I thought it was so... I was crying in bed alone, and I was going to run over there to show you, but I decided just to drop it on you. I got tagged in that so much.

I lost so many times. Okay, well, I was terrorized. Terrorized. I was terrorized by waitstaff at a restaurant I could not believe my eye girl I got the whole squad laughing

keep going bitch I was terrorized at a restaurant so our friend invited us to lunch and it was like the last rainy day in la um that's crucial for the story and we went there um and it was packed out the ass like i've never been in a more packed environment and it was like an interesting order concept like you wait in this line and then you wait to get a table and then you wait to sit down and get your food at the table.

It was kind of inefficient, but I was like, whatever, it's packed. I'm not like really, I don't really care that much because I just feel bad for the workers because they're like fucking running around. Well, I order and Inya's ordering behind me, but I like am overwhelmed in this fucking tiny ass little space because I'm like, it's too close. Too many people around. So I go wait by the door. I'm the doors right here.

I'm waiting right here and the door can still open. People can still get in. Like I'm not in the way of anything. And then one of the workers comes up to me and she's like oh can you follow me and wait over here and I was like oh yeah like I'll do that and she proceeds to open the door and then stand outside and like it was fully pouring down rain and it was freezing it was freezing and pouring down rain and she was like can you wait right here and I laughed I literally like I actually laughed because I thought she was joking.

I couldn't believe it. And then she's like, no, like, can you actually wait right here? Like it's for the safety, like the door. And I was like, are you kidding me? And so I actually like I did it anyways. And she's like, or you can wait under that umbrella. And it was like it was like a giant garbage can like an umbrella like that was half open like a light pole and like a bench like i couldn't fit over there so thank god i brought my apex twin umbrella hello yeah i actually use it

um but i know you bitches want it and i was on that shit never mind never mind like y'all don't want it you know you found out about apex twin because of the fortnite skin that they yeah yeah and i got it i opened my laptop bought vbucks bought that fucking skin closed my laptop and didn't play a single fucking game because and that's like it was so scary for me to do that like i literally could not believe i just like spent money like that like it felt so naughty but anyways i'm waiting outside literally in the rain and i know i finished ordering and i turned to our friends i was like where's drew and all of us were confused because they were like yeah he's standing outside and in my head i was just like oh

okay maybe because it's packed in here he just wants to be outside and then i go outside and drew's literally standing there he's like, they literally fucking told me to stand outside. It was crazy. It was pouring down rain and freezing. And then the spot that I was standing in, two people went and stood there. And she literally was conversing with them and having a conversation with them and let them stand there. But she put me outside. I literally couldn't believe it. I've never, ever felt like this way in my life i

was like so like what the fuck like this it was it was so crazy it was so crazy and i almost went full karen mode but i was like she's stressed like she's just doing her fucking job she's not the one that told me to do this 10 minutes later i think realized that it was crazy to make somebody wait outside in the freezing cold during a flood watch yeah but she came out she's like i'm so sorry like we're gonna get a table for you it's okay and you're just like it's okay it's okay and you were like sorry if i seemed upset or something but like i'm fine i i like didn't really speak much when she came out there because i honestly was a little offended and upset but then when i was inside the restaurant i felt really bad

and i went up to her and i was like hey by the way like i'm sorry if i seemed upset or like made you like anxious or something because um i wasn't and i know you're just doing your job and you're just stressed and she's like thank you so much for telling me that and i was like see all it takes is to like communication communicate to communicate but if to be fair if i saw you in any establishment and it was raining outside i'd be like i need this man to stand in the rain what the fuck why you just give that energy like you don't deserve mysterious like i might have a bomb oh i bring a bomb with me everywhere i go just in case it's for safety measures um but yeah that happened to me and i couldn't believe it and

it was a movie stuff like that doesn't happen to me because i'm so pretty and people are just like i would hate if she left you literally are usually tell me to go outside when the weather is gorgeous and they're like wow i want her to like i want to see what she looks like in the direct sunlight and then they'll tell me to stand outside but they'll follow me and take a picture of me and then i'll go back inside i was sexually on the wall i was sexually profiled in that moment when she told you standing what i don't understand how that she saw that i was presenting as a man and she put me out in that fucking ring wow well mother is mothering shut the fuck up shut the fuck up mother is mothering

did you have to be like so brave to yell that at the most silent concert ever i feel so bad for that girl yeah because she's definitely under the age of 20 yeah i felt so bad for it like i would be mortified. Like, it's like bombing on stage at a stand-up. Like, people thought, like, she thought people were going to, like. She thought people were going to be like, yeah! But everyone turned on her. It was so dark.

We'll insert that. I have to post this again just because the crowd is so funny. Mother is mothering! um video um she was like i'm about to be viral but like for good reason yeah shout out her shout out them um fuck i was gonna say something after that. Never mind. It's gone. It's gone forever. It's fucking over. Well, I had a very, very dark moment. Bitch, you always have a dark moment.

What? There's times where you'll say something and I know you're going to turn and look directly in my eyes. Whenever you say, I had a dark moment. Drew fucking flipped me off earlier i don't know if anyone saw that but i didn't see that so i don't believe you i didn't run this and if it's on video i still don't believe it because we're in a room and you're you're literally just being so self-absorbed thinking it's to you it could be to anything in this i was literally flipping

off the birds outside exactly i was flipping the bird directly and they fucking flipped me off i'll play it back in the camera okay he was looking past you you think people look at you what camera's not recording bitch you're so annoying oh fuck you fuck you oh fuck all of you okay what's your dark moment like i don't even want to like it actually it actually is embarrassing unironically embarrassing but it was embarrassing. But it was really dark. It was so gross. And I don't know if I want to say it because there's implications to this.

Why don't you just say it? I won't get into it. Say it and we can cut it. I don't know if I want to. Can I say it? No. He's like farming engagement right now. Should I say it?

It's like I feel like I'm watching you post on ig and the caption is something normal but then it's like comment your favorite color like don't no like yeah i'm not going what do you guys think about this what did you guys like sundays i'm not gonna say it okay then don't we'll move on we don't care dude we actually don't it like doesn't matter to us guys i fell asleep in the apple vision i fell asleep inside of it yeah you starting this episode by being like i do not use it as much as y'all think you're all tripping well i didn't i just used it for like 30 minutes before bed and i fucking fell asleep in it fully fucking closed with all of the lights on screen time i'm sure that thing

has screen time go get it and let's look at the screen time because it is much more than you think every time i have come home from being outside i go to drew's room and it is on his face how much do you think it is i have not gone to your room and it hasn't been on your face do you think it is it has to easily be 20 hours there's absolutely no way i'm just imagining drew like opening his eyes from deep sleep and it's just 14 screens of Grindr what's worse is he didn't even realize he fell asleep he probably only told us this because I walked in on him I went to go say something to him and he was literally turned over with it on his head and I was like hello hello Drew and he was like oh no and he tried to he tried to act like he wasn't sleeping also he was like oh sorry i was um yeah and then he just like and then he pulled it off dude you admit it that it's dark

oh my god he has to put it on to check the screen oh i didn't know the apple logo showed when it turns on. That's kind of cunt. Okay, wait. Me when I'm a cyclops. Oh, there it goes. Okay, let me screen record. I'm really a non-believer at the idea that everybody's going to have one of these eventually. I don't think there's a way.

There's not a way. Damn. Saved by the bell. I guess I only do have there's a way. There's not a way. Damn. Saved by the bell. I guess I only do have four hours on here. There's no way because you've watched like three movies in that thing already. No, I bet I've literally only logged like max 12 hours. And I would literally die on that hill. I straight up think I... Because I've only die on that hill. I straight up think I,

because I've only had it since Monday. I've, and like the battery I've charged, I've gone like two full days without using it. I've never used it after the batteries died. I go and charge it and then I get on my phone. So, but I'm not saying that my screen time isn't atrocious, but yeah. All right, we're back.

We're back and we're better. Do you have any topics you want to talk about? You know what's crazy is my literally... Here are my topics. Oh! Yeah. New game unlocked, y'all. New fucking game unlocked.

I can't even talk shit about Drew because I have clocked in over 20 hours. At work, though, that's the difference. It's is like i'm working drew is just playing on his device i am putting in work like real hard work um i found this new game via tiktok called contraband police yeah and i became i haven't been addicted to a game other than Fortnite in so long. And I am fully back to it. I haven't let myself play it for like two days. Because within two days, I clocked 20 hours of playing. Which I wonder if it also clocks. 10 hours a day.

Sometimes I would put it to sleep. Like in between. But it doesn't make it any better. I feel like we were playing for 20 hours straight. Because when Josie was over, we would switch between playing Contraband Police to Fortnite and then back to Contraband Police like it was insane but also best day I've had in a long time I love this game

so much and I don't give a fuck it is so fun also it feels like a fun game because other than Fortnite I feel like everybody can kind of play it if it makes sense even if y'all aren't controlling the controls don't forget this. Don't forget to check his registration.

Oh, he is not allowed to go. You send him right back to where he fucking came from. You are not coming in my country. Oh my God. Someone's going to clip that. Out of context, emergency intercom. Drew says, go back to your home country. But it's basically a game.

It's basically what drew just said me and drew and josie were cracking up because we were talking about the idea that there's definitely people from the u.s who play this game who believe in border like control in a crazy way and they play this game to be like yeah exactly that's exactly what i would fucking do like i would do it the right way but it's such a funny game because it's so fucking stupid like you're just i think it's in the middle of russia yeah or i'm not really sure where it's based um but you are literally that you're border patrol and you have to check all these cars to see if they're like smuggling in contraband if they're like if all their papers are right and you approve or deny them and you have to like build out your unit and upgrade everything and i have become so it's literally like sims with a job like that's what it feels like and it is so fucking funny and i love playing the game and maybe i stream it maybe

i don't but i actually played it for so long one day that by the time i went to bed my body was experiencing like bitches who don't have a real job be like whoo this day drained me like that's how i felt like i was taking off my clothes to get in bed and i genuinely felt like i was taking off my uniform hard at work today drained me hard to work it was a hard day too we got a bunch of wanted people and they pulled up on us twice we had to kill 40 people 30 45 people they pull up on you like crazy it's like literally you get attacked and then you have 120 bullets for literally like 800 people that you have to get rid of and it's such a fun game but i am so addicted to it and then i sit here and i wonder why my brain actually feels like a brain slushy

pop a crack in your mouth and make a brain slut sheet one i am cooler than you two i'm more fun three i have more friends than you we need to learn that and do it at karaoke yeah um really but yeah that's that's one of my notes for this week is that's my update with my life is I played so much contraband police and watched a bunch of is it Casio or Casio? Casio. People say Casio. I thought his name was Casio. No, it's Casio.

Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. Casio was like a fucking piano brand, isn't it? Yeah. But yeah, that's how i found the game and i was like oh my god this looks so fucking fun because i've just been trying to expand my video game usage other than fortnite but i played uh 30 seconds or 60 seconds reanimized too because of rain so i've been expanding guys i've been my lore. As if that's a good thing. What I should do is stop playing fucking games and start reading goddamn books.

But I read like five pages of a book every time we're in the sauna. So I'm still reading and whatnot. I remember I used to literally get in bed and read before bed. But I was still really fucking depressed and wanted to kill myself. So like, it doesn't fucking matter what I do. I can't escape the fear. Oh, my God. Wait.

Okay. Last week, I said that Keith Urban died. I actually meant Toby Keith. But you can see how I got those switched up. Toby Keith died? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

It's really sad. Keith Urban, though, is young and fruitful. I don't know. I think he was kind of old. But yeah, I just wanted to clear the air on that. Also, me and my landlord. Are flirting. We were flirting down.

You guys actually were. I thought you were joking. I saw the text. You kind of roosted around her panties I know I'm trying to get like our rent lowered like crazy

like no I fell asleep and I had a dream that my landlord was yelling at me and being really scary

with me with money because it's always on my mind like paying rent because we don't have it set up automatically and she always texts my mind like paying rent because we don't have it set up automatically and she always texts me on like the seventh day of the month and is like Philip where's uh rent money and it was on my mind and I forgot to pay it before bed and I guess it was just

something I was thinking about a lot well she was really scary and evil in the dream bless you thank you um and i hit her up and or she i sorry sorry i woke up to a text from her saying hi phillips g period morning reminder for february rent comma period today is o2-08 parenthesis 24 period and i said i woke up first thing oh she got an iphone yeah she's green now i said i woke up first thing this morning and started the transaction we got busy over here and i forgot to send it earlier comma sorry also i don't know if this is weird but you were literally in my dream last night asking for rent ha ha ha ha ha so i like kind of planted the seed i wanted to feel her vibe and And then she said, how's my face in you dream? And I was like, oh, shit, like, this is crazy. And I said, you were stunning.

And then she responded back six minutes later and said, you make me laughing, crying, laughing emoji better than angry. And then I was the end of our conversation i just hearted it you need to hit her up today and be like how was your day well no i texted her i'm thinking of you i texted her because she called me at 9 30 at night that day she was trying to come over or something i don't know what the vibe is um and i texted her yet also our landlord i think is like 65 years old yeah um she texted me yesterday and said or i texted her. Also, our landlord, I think, is like 65 years old. Yeah. She texted me yesterday and said, or I texted her at 3.30 yesterday and said, hey, I saw you called. What's up? She did not respond back.

So. Damn. It's because her husband looked through her phone. It was like, who is this? I broke up the relationship. Her husband who comes and fixes our drain every three days because this home is actually 800 years old. Falling apart. Was like, is that the person who's drained?

I've unclogged 18,000 times or what? Like, why are you talking to him like that? Exactly. They fixed our toilet a bunch because I don't know why. Never mind, I'm not even going to get into it. But that toilet over there is perma running. And then she hits me up and she's like, oh, like y'all's water bill is so high. Like what's going on?

And I tell her every time the toilet is running literally 24 7 and i can fix it so many times without getting fucking frostbite in my hand and then i just give up because i'm like it just is it's unfixable like i can't fix it with it just needs to be a new toilet in there and she came and fixed it and it worked for a couple months and then we had a bunch of friends over and that toilet was used a bunch and yeah sucks but um that is the vibe um drew's gonna have sex with the landlord yeah it's only like the right thing to do now i know i think she deserves it she's been like pretty decent actually she kind of fucking sucks she literally sucks well we have so many broken things that are borderline a hazard and we tell her and she just ignores us but that's a landlord's job a landlord's job is to take your money and ignore you and paint over bugs on the wall

um but do you have a psyop corner no i don't surprisingly i did not collect any but i'm gonna go through my email and i'm gonna read the ones y'all submitted um i also made up another one true psyop corner true psyop corner are you saying you're singing it like it's church oh yeah i'm about to take y'all to church with this one. Okay, this is from Kelsey. Actually, I don't know if I can say this one. Let me see. Bitches get 20 abortions and want their coochie eight.

Bitch, get that cemetery out of my face. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah. This is from mariana vibrator died but thank god for this amber alert oh my god that's pretty good oh that's tweet is by i am brie mia i am brie Larson. I can't believe Brie Larson said that. Dude, that is so fucking funny. Okay, this is from Marina? Mariana?

Marina. Bitches be so embarrassed to say that they... Oh my god, I literally can't read. Oh my god. Bitches be so embarrassed to say that they listen to imagines dragons music not me radioactive radioactive and it's the shouting emoji this one's really you

like two episodes ago yeah this is Iia all he do is make you cry bitch you dating an onion oh my god the amber alert one was crazy that was crip that was really wild um no i guess that's all i'm gonna give y'all i. I mean, I have a lot more, but I'm going to say... I'll just do one more. This is from Pedro. He says... Here they say, Why badass kids always smell like syrup?

Damn, they sent a lot. Oh my god, they sent a lot oh oh my god they sent a bunch i'm locked in for the next two episodes shout out pedro bitches see you in public and just stare yes bitch it's me from the psych ward so stupid um what's crazy is even for media of the week, oh, actually, I watched Fifth Element. It was really good. Did you finish it? I have like 20 minutes left, and I really need to see that. But I liked it.

I just don't like sci-fi like that. I enjoyed Bruce and the hot girl. Both of them are so hot, and I want to have sex with both of them. Raw. At the same time. Yeah. Lilou.

Hello, Lilou. We should go as Lilou and Bruce. For Halloween. I really wanted to be Lilou when I had orange hair and blonde eyebrows. I don't know if you remember that. I would say that. But I had never seen the movie. And I'm fucking annoying.

And as if anybody would give a fuck or know that I haven't seen it I was just like I can't be a poser like I shouldn't do that but now I'll never be that again because here I go spending the money on a fucking like nice ass wig to like have that hair I'm never dying my hair again I don't think just dye it orange

okay Ronald McDonald exactly I was gonna say that about your fucking bunk ass hair bitch fuck you um Okay, Ronald McDonald. Exactly. I was going to say that about your fucking bunk ass hair, bitch. Fuck you. But that's my visual media. Oh, and then I started watching Jojo Rabbit again last night. And I love that movie. I'm going to finish it today. I can't watch that ever again.

It'll make me cry too much. Oh, my God. I love crying. I updated my letterboxd top four and put the fifth element up there. And I took about Fantastic Plastic Machine. Whoa. Fantastic Planet. Okay.

I have been listening. I've been lesbianing to all ambient music lately. And I don't think anybody cares at all. I really don't think anybody cares about the ambient music I listen to. So, what I'm going to do is... Bitch. Never mind. Things in life.

Dennis Brown. What a difference a day makes. Dina Washington. At last, I am free. Wobbert. Wobbert. Wobbert. wobble what do you think about that wobbert girl give me that wop give me that sloppy wop um echoes answer broadcast moonchild shibamato and we'll do a body snatchers radiohead the only I'm going to give you all this week is You Get What You Give by New Radicals

because this song makes me literally crack up because of me and Drew's connection to it. Like, literally, have we told you about this guy? No. We got, like, a script sent to us once that, like, they wanted both of us to read for it because it was, was like in the script there was like two friends and they were like oh that's perfect we really want you guys it was like a comedy movie that it never even got made so we really actually don't know how the self-tapes went we just never heard back in the movie never got made this was like two years ago and um we went

and we auditioned for it together and leaving. We were playing that song and we were like, like we didn't say anything to each other. Both of us in that moment, we were like, our life is about to change. We're about to be fucking movie stars. Like, and we both felt it. Like so deeply. I don't think either of us have ever felt that confident

about anything we've done in our whole life. It was so bad. I usually am so pessimistic. I do everything. I'm like i'm like this is gonna be bunk i don't give a fuck i have no joy because i'm so far depressed and like nothing makes me feel anything except video games and don't fucking touch me because you you always you say oh it's to comfort you and then you ask for my wop okay but i want your wop and i want your wop happy no my wop is happy without you that macaroni in a pot kai you can't say that we're gonna have to we're gonna have to fucking can we please leave that that was i got a big laugh on no i'm saying we're gonna have to hook

up later because she's not giving me her wop and you're my sloppy seconds okay you are the second choice sis i know why do i like it though why do i like being okay sisa s-o-s-b are you saying that because i'm like the weekend the song the weekend oh yeah yeah yeah that's stupid yeah um oh my stomach is growling i need food really bad guys god you're big and greedy you just're just going to eat the whole menu. Your belly is asking for so much. Feed me. I'm so hungry. I already had two kids meals for breakfast.

I had Taco Bell two nights in a row guys. am down bad in your in your defense you did not eat enough taco bell for it to be bad for you actually any amount of taco bell is bad for you but it's so fucking good a single bite of a doritos locos taco like burns the lining the like fourth layer of lining i have left i have like no more stomach lining left yeah we we didn't finish the song story oh yeah but we like listened to that song and we both thought wow this is our moment and we didn't say anything to each other about it for like a week and we were like all right how did it even come up oh i think it was like a month later it was like a month later i brought it up and i like i played the song again i was like remember when we both sat here in dead silence

with each other like looking out the window like like next time i drive down the street my life will be a whole lot different um and we're still in the fucking kitchen bitch yeah all right but we cooking let us cook that's actually why we do the podcast in the kitchen because we're constantly cooking dude we have like i'm not kidding i feel like it is visually obvious my brain deterioration through the two and a half years of doing this podcast your brain looks like the chair yeah i come on here now and i have nothing come on where come on what you can come girls you know we can't like i've never done that like it's not possible i don't even know yeah i don't even know a girl

who's done that before okay good yeah have you seen that i think you can medically induce an orgasm on a woman though i heard i don't know i'm just like holding out for prayers i was kind of like an ask. The hell? Well. Right. Right. All right. Well, Kai, were you going to say something? Yeah. What's your media and your psyop?

Oh, I was going to say that. Oh, my psyop is Drew's got that guy in him. Like Drew's got that dog in him, but it's a guy a guy like am i being railed by a dude yeah i don't fucking i don't find that shit funny because i don't like i'm not gay totally i don't either okay i said that because i don't see our ig posts we're literally dating like my ig posts we're dating oh we were all over each other y'all gotta cut that shit out also all the incestual like i know don't fucking you can't comment that on brand posts i posted a brand post and the comments are like isn't this weird he's a minor i'm like that's an inside joke for us that we keep

all of us y'all included we keep that in the house yeah we keep that in the kitchen in the comment section on youtube and we keep you in the kitchen because you're probably a girl hey damn got him um but shout out thanks for the support that's actually why we can't take the podcast out of the kitchen because we would just have to find another kitchen for me to be in because it's the only place i'm allowed to be yeah and you're like the only other place she's allowed to exist outside of the kitchen and this is a very strict rule is the hallway on the way to your bedroom yeah we had to move my ps5 to the bedroom going back to like 2014 like make me a sandwich humor it's my favorite and i like it's it's my new take like i have two like just go-to jokes and it's like gay jokes and

fucking um girl kitchen jokes and i cannot shake them they're like they're so in my brain like gay jokes and being like fake offensive by saying things about women it i'd like it's my crutch some people's crutches cursing no like some people's comedy crutch is saying fucking fucking but like in between everything my crutch is calling drew gay and mine is saying get back to the kitchen and mine is donating to charity why would that be funny though why is that your comedy it's not a comedy i'm just saying it's a you think it's funny some people need help you guys swear and I donate to charities. I don't swear.

I've never swore to my life. My media of the week is Good Girl by Jockstrap and Greatest Hits by Jockstrap. That shit goes crazy. You could like a band called fucking Jockstrap. Okay. What was the last charity you donated to? What is it? It was something like The Bottom Factory. There there's a bar that's not donating that's

paying for that's paying for insurance okay well tomato tomato i guess what oh we were talking. That's not... That's not nice. Two friends can't talk? Yeah, but you're whispering. It's clearly like... You're literally trying to break us apart. You're so jealous of our connection. Include me.

No. Please. Sis. Since you're so... Oh, then donate to the... To the I don't Like My Friends Whispering company. Here it comes. I've been waiting for this.

Oh. Oh. I forgot to clap. I thought you were going to. Drew just hates clapping because he hurts his hands every time he does that. It's like literally my brain couldn't do it. Drew, maybe one more.

Ew. Ew. Adding dialogue to it. You hurt me. That felt good. Ew. You're really good at that. Thank you.

It's because it's real. You're actually like a voice actor. Thank you. All right, thank y'all so much for watching. God bless your souls. If I steamed off, it's literally because I had bacterial vaginosis. We made sour bread dough in that oven. I've been BB free for years now.

So guys, I'm up. I've been BB free for a long long time why would a man be there i'm gonna lay your pipe what is it i don't know i thought i'm gonna fix you all right i'm done Outro Music