Emergency Intercom - Pooping In The Club

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

Drew talks about being over prescribed medication as a teen and Enya brings up a naughty act they committed recently in a club... let's just say it stinks Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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actually because i'm gonna smack the shit out of you that's like the worst one ever it's like welcome back to this episode welcome to this episode fuck you shut up back off um there's like very few kai what the hell is this little piece little little dongle um kai you're looking very sexy today really yeah kai is always sexy that's the thing that's the thing is like we have to just come to admission like some of the comments are right literally everyone in our crew bullies kai because everybody wants his attention because he's sexy like sexy hot that's that's that's just the truth fine fine you're sexy fine the comments

win the hashtag freaky like i've said this before but y'all have to start saying freak kai because it just reads as freaky and then i'm like damn you bitches can't spell freaky freaky um but there are very few things that literally actually that's a lie so many things anger me but like yeah i was about to say very little things that anger you no but the thing that like gets like a visceral like animalistic anger out of me is the sound of people chewing with their mouth open alisa i love you so much but she's one of those people who she's like a very like like i feel like i'm one of those people who she's like a very like like I feel like I'm one of those no you're not because I would not be able to live with you and I eat with you all the time and I like I rarely hear you you know what's funny is I hear you say

this about other people and I am when I'm eating around you I am so self-conscious of how loud my chews are it like scares the fuck out of me every time i'm around you um it's not my fault it just like i don't know what it is it literally like it flicks a switch in my brain and like the people i love the most are suddenly my biggest enemies and it takes so much practice and self-control to say nothing like it takes the most like yesterday i split an apple with elisa and i stood by her for like 0.0 seconds and then i had to walk away because i was like i can't i can't hear it it's like i feel bad because it's just people enjoying food which is like sweet but like

i've said it to elisa before and then i was like i'm never gonna say that to her again like except i'm gonna air it out like totally oh elsie is also a loud eater. I'm airing Elsie out too. You're so annoying. When it's on purpose like that, for some reason it doesn't bother me. You're also moaning, which is just making me horny. A blue talkie? A blue talkie keeps the doctor away. A blue talkie a day keeps the doctor away.

A blue talkie a day gives you an ulcer a day Like you have like little bubbles of ulcers all around the stomach lining of your body And one day you're just gonna pop like a little zit And it's gonna be blue and pussy Suicide by talkie Your teeth are fucking disgustingly blue right now Ew Stop it Your teeth are fucking disgustingly blue right now. Ew!

What's recording right now? Stop it. You're so fucking annoying, I'm going to smack you. I don't have my glasses on because I think I'm ugly with glasses on, and I didn't want to waste contacts because it's late. You serve Mia Khalifa vibes with glasses. That's a serve, but I do not serve that. I just look like stupid. I just said, say things.

Mia Khalifa does wear glasses, though. Am I tripping? Mia Khalifa. You need to stop because you're just trying to bother me. No, I was clapping all the dust off. Do you have anything to give to us right now? Because you've just been silent and chewing. Making some.

I have a couple things to offer. Making silence. I have a couple things to offer. Your mom. Making silence. I have a couple things to offer. Your mom. Oh. Your mama. Okay, here's the first thing I have to offer. I've decided to redact my belief in evolution.

There's no way a fish crawled out of the water and made me. Not a chance in hell. I thought we came from monkeys, not fish. Or does it start there i think it starts there like it was like then it made lizards to a monkey oh yeah fish to lizard to dinosaur to monkey or something like that like i think there was like multiple different types of fish that crawled out of the water and some evolved to be like primates and some evolved way because whales were are mammals right yeah way did like a

whale crawl out of the water one day um i choose not to believe in anything because anybody who that was like actually serious and i realized how stupid that sounded so i like formed it as a joke that is cracked that's a cracked phone that's not a cracked phone if i've ever heard a phone crack before okay no it's not remember how easily iphones used to crack like it was a scam of a button it was a scam you could literally drop it from like an inch high and it would explode like an android but the second we could order a new iphone screen off of fucking google they don't break as easy um i forgot what i was gonna fucking say oh i choose not to believe in anything because i just like i don't believe in anything say oh i choose not to believe in anything because i just

like i don't believe in anything but myself i'm here to believe in me because no one else will do it do you believe in me yeah i don't believe there was there was a hesitation because i was like how can i believe in something that doesn't exist and you and guy don't exist why does why don't i exist i'm i'm entering an era of like nothing around me is real and like life is a little game and i can just make decisions and that's like terrifying listen to this theory that i'm working on okay so computer code binary ones and zeros our whole lives are dedicated are dictated by yes and noes ones and zeros so in if you think about it we are low key in a simulation and that's my theory that is not a new expand expand you did

not make that up i swear to god i told kai that like simulation theory no that no that yeses and no's are our binary i made that connection that's not unless that's a connection that someone else made no all the time i say i'm gonna kill myself instead so my life is not dictated by yes and no you're you broke out of the fucking matrix yeah i'm quantum computing yeah your simulation is binary here's this quantum yeah i literally live in a different world than you bitches wait i need to Quantum computing? Yeah. Your simulation is binary. Yours is quantum. Yeah, I literally live in a different world than you bitches. Wait, I need to read the beautiful poem that I, like, made today, and I'm, like, not kidding. I meant it with my tongue. Fuck me.

That was a crazy one. Did you have Takis in there? Yeah. Fuck you. Don't fucking look at me when I get close. Um. Ew, bitch. Fuck, dude. The thing is, you're sneezing right into your hand like a god damn

three year old and then you're gonna stick your fucking hand in the bag of talkies and then eat it and then touch every single thing you're gonna touch your little fucking puff bar and your food globe and like all that shit sneezes smell so good they smell fucking delicious this is airing someone else out but my brother when we were growing up had the stinkiest

I'm gonna beat the shit out of you you're not gonna do shit They smell fucking delicious. This is airing someone else out, but my brother, when we were growing up, had the stinkiest... I'm gonna beat the shit out of you! You're not gonna do shit. These are Celine jeans, you fucking dumb motherfucker. Motherfucker! Alright. Here, and this, I mean this with my whole chest, and when I wrote it, it was literally free thought, and it came out, like, just like this.

Aw. I curate vibes and destroy the ones I deem unfitting. I dedicate my life to the slay and occasionally find moments in which I have the spare time to serve. I am a simple woman dedicating my life to having fun and vibing out. I search for a God to believe in so I don't feel so small. It's where I feel small. You just said you don't believe in anything.

Slaying. Can you shut the fuck up because I did not fucking say that. You're interrupting me to lie on my goddamn name in my face. You're a walking conundrum. You're a walking piece of shit. Fuck you. I'm going to beat the shit out of you. I can't believe you interrupted me.

I'm going to start over. It's rare I feel small seeing as I am so busy slaying my life away. Who has time to think of our significance to the moon and the stars? I also spend lots of time consuming delicious treats and always making sure I take a sweet bath three to four times a week. The bath needs to be hot enough that I feel the burn in my iron deficient feet. And I always say,

they're not burning off. I can stand this heat. I am stronger than most for this. That last part is not a joke. Every single time I get in the bath, I like stand there in silence and I'm like, the skin isn't burning off my feet that's not true it's like the hot spring the hot springs in joshua tree i was like okay like what is this actually gonna boil me alive like am i actually gonna cook alive and have first degree burns on my body like absolutely not also i found out pain is not fucking real everyone is fucking crazy crazy. Yeah, mind over matter, real shit.

I found out that, like, the degree of burns is dictated by the percentage of your body that's burned. That could be just misinformation, though. Yeah. Wait, a third degree burn just means that a third of your body? What the hell is a fourth degree, though?

Maybe. Maybe. I could have just spouted, like, the most insane medical misinformation I've ever... I don't think so. I feel like a third degree burn is, like there's like welts and like irreparable damage Oh it's how deep it burns into your layers of skin, your derma Yeah it's how deeply and severely they penetrate

You just get on here and you fucking tell people lies I, well, I corrected myself These dumb motherfuckers walk around and be like, did you know? I don't remember where I heard that it's like the most crazy dumb shit the craziest source is me what the fuck oh i had to like walk out of my room after reading that and i congratulated you on that because i was like this is the most beautiful thing i've ever read you wrote right um and the end it was just so incredibly relatable that i just like was actually moved so much that I got out of my bed yeah you did come and congratulate me so I'm starting a book if

anybody's wondering I'm starting a book about me because I love me and that's all I can write about because I don't know anybody else because everyone else is fake and no one is real so I can only write about me remember when I was like in my like completely lost arc and i was like what am i gonna do with my life and i came to you and i was like i'm gonna write a book of things you shouldn't do do you remember that yeah and then but i just came up with another idea similar it's a book of lies um and it's literally just a book where i lie for 500 pages so like a fiction book i need i literally need help the comments are getting to me i need help but also like i need to feel

the way we did when we went to that bar because for on the 29th of january from the 29th to the next day i felt so out of touch with reality and it was the best feeling ever i was like i don't feel pain right now and i will run into traffic and i won't die i literally won't die i think that's like maybe mania no that's me literally fucking slaying the world and i want to feel it again so bad because now i'm like kind of grounded back in reality and i'm like oh i have things to do but i'm kind of like tiptoeing around it like one little source of like serotonin to the back of my head will send me off right now like i just need one little fucking hit no a puff bar doesn't give me like serotonin get in dive in you're all diving see that's also proof

that i don't exist in y'all's reality because like i'm not addicted to nicotine like the rest of you bitches real shit should we talk about our adventures out yeah with kai the kai chronicles continue um i don't even know where to begin i mean it started it was a long ass day it was like one of the longest days i've had in a very long time it started early in the morning and we went paintballing which was fucking fun as shit i want to shoot all my friends it was a it was actually a blast but like very early on me and you were like no like we cannot be on different teams because if we're on different teams it will tear this friendship apart it will be it won't be fun for

anybody like we will go after each other and actually shoot to kill um yeah i just was like i'm i and i think more so on my end because i'm so competitive by nature with very few people in my life but drew is one of them drew is like my top competitor other than like anybody i end up in a relationship with that is my other top competitor i i like i i mask my competitiveness with like layers and layers of gaslighting and lies like i will act i will act like i'm not fucking seething with anger just to like get a competitive edge on someone and it works on me and i know you do that i know you go out of your way to be a fucking conniving cunt when it comes to competition and i always fall for it because

i lead with my head with your vagina with my big fat fucking coochie did you know the heart is in the genitals that's that is true because sometimes my shit do be thumping it's pounding um but yeah it started with paintball um and that was a blast i got shot in the penis twice um once by my own teammate he did get an erection from it i was instantly in it like full of math um i'm like why do all of our episodes get like demonetized and it's i almost just said yeah you were engorged i i have two bruises on my wiener paintball bruises look them up They're not a pretty sight. And we were supposed to get naked together at we spa tomorrow night, but I refuse to show my body to my friends.

Um, second part, I got shot in the face and I was like, it's literally, I think it was just like shrapnel that like cut me up or like paint splatter that just was hitting me at terminal velocity. And it just like literally ripped my skin apart and i was bleeding but kai i sent a picture to kai and he was like it literally just looks like you have fucking mustard on your face

but he did call me sexy hot and it did gas me up yeah you did look really good yeah so we'll insert it um here it's so annoying i hope people are like ew no that's like what it's gonna be because i refuse to think i look attractive in that photo i literally sent it to kai in confidence and i was like if this ever leaks out i will you know what it is it's because since you guys are dating like kai is like has like that thing where he just sees a photo of you and he like thinks you're beautiful no matter what yeah yeah someone mistaked me and drew as a couple like for real for real and it like kind of took me back because i was like oh but it makes sense we do give that vibe because we're so like in love and oh my god every time we're out we make out we like can't stand we grind

and twerk unironically we do grind and twerk on each other when we're out which like we're always like why is no one hitting on us at this club why is no one hitting on this us at this bar and it's literally us grinding on each other the entire time and that's okay i'm like take a hint look at me hit on me don't you want competition with my bestie um but yeah paintballing was cool until i got shot in the temple and it really angered me i got shot in the boob and i was hoping for a nice fat hickey like bruise but it's just like it looks really gross it's just like is it bruised or yeah you want to see later okay oh and then my nipple got grazed and that was an interesting feeling i'll leave it at that i was out for fucking blood i

wanted to murder someone but uh yeah so paintball was fun paintball was fun we won't get into the drama of it all but there was some drama um and i wish we could talk about it but it was all settled the beat was settled it was settled so it's not worth bringing but yeah we i was a little trolling, a little troll-a-lolling. We do do a little trolling. We do do a little trolling. We do do. We do do.

Fuck us. Like, actually, why did that make us laugh? Do do. Ka ka. Oh, God. So, yeah. And then we went to an art gallery where all the people were fucking terrifying. And I actually was panicking and freaking the fuck out. Yeah. then we went to an art gallery where all the people were fucking terrifying and i actually was panicking and freaking the fuck out yeah it was i went in it into it with a very open mind and of open heart and i actually enjoyed myself and i enjoyed the people around me um but also

with that said there were some really scary motherfuckers potential killers in the crowd there were some goblins and killers i saw a man literally moving in some motion and he was not showing art he was literally just in a fucking k-hole he was so scared it was literally terrifying and then i started mimicking him and i was like i was looking people directly in their eyes and just like you and christian were on a really good one we were screaming like we I I just like that's what it is it's like uncomfortable environments where like everyone is so serious and taking themselves very serious and the environment around them is very serious like oh my god I'm about to start crying um no but there's something that it like flips a switch in my brain to do the exact opposite

of that which is not healthy and not okay because I probably offended some people that night. Oh, yeah. Same. But at the end of the day, do I give a shit? No. It's just, yeah, it's like when people are being so fucking serious. We're in our own lane. I know.

Booger finger. You just picked your nose and dabbed me up. No, I scratched my nose. You wish I picked my nose because i know you would have ate that shit oh okay it's stupid um but yeah that was fucking terrifying and then we went to dinner and this is where like my vibe was being settled like i don't know why i think literally what changed my mood was you acting like you were like way too drunk to function like we went to dinner and me and drew had a margarita and everybody was talking acting like you were like way too drunk to function like we went to dinner and me

and drew had a margarita and everybody was talking to go to this like party like after the gallery and i was just like really on the fence about going because i was like i don't know that i like want to be around a bunch of people like it just sounds like a lot right now um and i just like was it in like a bad mood but i've been kind of set drew did you drink did you already drink before this episode this is vodka true no no you can't keep doing that drew you obviously don't need any more stop you don't need any more bitch don't cut me off literally the dad in the last episode of euphoria um the dad no that's literally what drew was doing at dinner and for some reason i'm sorry

um i almost said something so disgusting um but yeah drew was doing that at dinner and like acting like he was way too fucked up and i think what made me laugh so much is how committed you how committed you were to the bit. Because you were like falling onto me for a straight two minutes. And I didn't realize what he was doing. I thought he was just like acting like he was tired. And then I look over and his hand was moving so fucking slow towards his margarita. And it literally cracked me the fuck up.

You have to go home. You have to go home and you have to uber um yeah that's just like one of my many talents is just like faking fucked up like it's like whatever like i'm an actor like the thing is i can't see drew fake being that fucked up anymore because i'm like i've seen you like this like i can channel it wait what was the night that we came home with kai and you were like acting really drunk in the car it might have been that same night you were acting really drunk in the back seat it was it was the night before that we went to escuela um there was like a party there and you were in the back seat and acting really fucked up and when kai was hanging out i was like this

isn't even funny because like kai's had to do this with you yeah i'm like taking you out of the car oh yeah you like carrying me up the stairs um yeah so then that was the like vibe changer and then we were like okay it's funny how i just curate a vibe but you can also like literally destroy it's a talent yeah i mean i i think i have no i don't have that vibe because like i don't like i i don't like destroy vibes and you don't intentionally oh okay like i like wipe them clean i'm like oh this vibe don't like i i don't like destroy vibes and you don't intentionally oh okay like i like wipe them clean i'm like oh this vibe isn't like this isn't the vibe that needs to be here and i'm gonna spruce it up without asking anybody if that's okay i'm just gonna do it literally an empath because i'm yeah i'm like the vibe like controller like it's like if i had strings i'm the puppeteer i'm the the vibe puppeteer. Girl, look at my name on my iPhone.

Vibe controller. Literally, anytime anybody tries to airdrop something to me, it's like, are you Vibe? And I'm like, yeah, I'm the controller of the Vibe. And then when it shows up on people's cars, it's like Vibe controller is DJing or it has the aux. It's a very nuanced conversation. Continue with the night uh so we like came back to the house to like chill for a second and i decided i was like i am fucking freezing my ass off and i do not want to wear a dress like i like i'm done serving i've served to the people enough like i need to have a sleigh day. There's a serve and there's a sleigh. I fucking forgot you did that.

Yeah, we came back home and I was like, I had this really cute outfit on and I was serving and I was like, I need to not be in this. So I put pajamas on and some sunglasses on. And then I was like, I'm going to bring my speaker with me. And I just put my speaker in my purse and started walking around the house blasting music. Drake.

Yeah, Drake. Fair trade, to be exact. I wasn't complaining. You know, I used to complain about Drake playing, and now I'm so down for it. I'm so worried about my sister. You're engaged. You cannot marry a murderer. I was sick, but I am healed.

Returning to W network and stack tv the west side ripper is back if you're not killing these people then who is that's what i want to know starring kaylee cuoco and chris messina the only investigating i'm doing these days is who shit their pants killer messaged you yesterday this is so dangerous i gotta get out of this based on a true story new season mondays at 9 eastern and pacific only on w stream on stack tv i'm serious okay like genuinely what the fuck does that mean like that was just a lapse in judgment like i don't know why that came out of my brain or my mouth actually you know what's crazy that's a laugh no i literally had that was like the most peaceful mind state i've ever been in was like when i was saying that like there was not a single

thought in my head i'm not kidding like it was like i meditated for three hours it wasn't like a thought that was supposed to come out it was literally you like comprehending the words i was saying it wasn't your turn to speak you had nothing to say yeah um oh my god but then drew took the ox from me and i have we talked about like our fart thing that you always fucking do uh i don't think we have so me and anya are both connected to the same like bow's speaker um and like it's normally sitting in the bathroom so when we shower we just like play our music whatever um so we're both connected to it and anytime india goes into the shower to like play her music it connects but like for some reason when it always connects to yours even though it's my fucking speaker and i connected to it first it drops india's connection and connects to mine

and i immediately without a fail every single time clock it. And I start playing fart sounds at full volume in the bathroom. And it's like explosive. Like it's very loud, deafening, almost like it's dangerous to the eardrum, comparable to a jet engine. See, you literally are a vibe terrorist. Yeah. Because I go in that bathroom for peace and tranquility.

And I'm like, I'm going to play my music and cur my own vibe in here it's and you fucking take it over and also it's like it was fun like the first two times but it happens to me three to four times a week no it's it's actually insane how many times i do it and like every it used to be like funny like you would laugh at it and you'd be like he like the true stuff like give me the ox back and now you like are actually like viscerally angry i didn't know i literally don't say anything i just wait for you to get it out of your system and i just wait till my phone connects like it goes on for like a minute and then you like get bored and you disconnect and keep watching fucking tiktok i'm like i need to get back to my tiktok page. So yeah, I have the 1000 Farts on deck at any moment, just like ready to go.

Like it's like in my playlist, I just click it and it plays. So I have it on deck and it just like, I think, was it your idea or did it come to us both naturally? It was like, we're gonna play Fart Sounds in the club. I think you played it here. Like you took it over and I was like,

I'm bringing this fucking speaker with me and we're doing this like we were like we were like we have to play this there because originally i was just joking i was like i'm gonna make my own vibe and i was just gonna play certified lover boy on blast in my purse but then i was like this is a way there's so there's so much potential here and like yeah we just had to take it to the next level so we went to this bar and played fart sounds literally the entire time we were there for like like two three hours it did not stop it was like not exaggerating and like it was just so it was just a magical night it was just like ruining everybody's vibe actually that's a lie i think everybody had some yeah everybody who interacted with the fart like actually was intrigued and enjoyed until there were some there were some people who were like playing like too

cool like chill like like i'm literally in the club right now i'm trying to look cool like and it was men of course like of course it was it the same dude that was like we're all feminists here yes that was one of them even okay there was this fucking freakazoid who's going to hell and is probably burning there right now as i say this who was literally like borderline fucking this girl in the club like it was insane i've seen people like make out and like do the whole thing but i was like she was like on him like fully dry humping they were fully going to town he had boner and pre-cum he's making pre-cum kai what do you say kundalini there's many variations no kundalini is just the normal thing but i like to say coom i like to say creme brulee i like to say making boba

making buffalo sauce oh yeah buffalo mozzarella yeah stinky pesto yeah do you want me to keep going beef bolognese okay you have like way too many he has a lot of innuendos for coom coom um but yeah they were making all of that um but yeah we just played farts all fucking night and i was being a goddamn criminal like i was being so fucking you were brave with it i was like if i did this i would get hit in the head yeah like some man would not find this this is one of the perks of being a woman i get to do whatever the fuck i want don't fucking look at me. Don't touch me. I'm going to scream. Like, don't look at me.

So I would just, like, there were couples at the bar who, like, also, there was, like, an after happening there, but it was just a bar. Like, so there was a hell of random people who just decided to pick this place where they were going to meet their fucking maker, me. And I just had this big-ass purse, and i kept going next to couples at the bar and putting the bag on the bar and like with my elbow like just like leaning against the bar and pushing the bag towards them and like talking to the bartender like nothing was happening and these couples would just get bombarded with farts yeah it was so sick it was such a sick vibe

um and i love the move where you would like hug me or like dance on me and then like reach over. Oh, yeah. Have your bag over my shoulder and blasting people with farts behind it. Yeah, I kept wrapping my arms around everyone's neck and then like holding the speaker out and like my bag out so I could get right in people's ears so that they like they could be upset with me. But I'm like, I'm dancing. I'm literally dancing. I'm just trying to to have a good time like my mom died like literally like it's actually not okay like that people would like come for you when like you were dealing with that i get to make up a new date of when she died every time i want something like i i she died

guys she passed today actually like three hours ago. And that's how brave we are. That's how brave we are. Yeah. I'm experiencing. It is Drew's trauma, too. I'm experiencing this with you. Yeah. Just like I was like a party planner for your brother.

For my brother's funeral. You keep calling it a party. Well, you always use that like nasty word with it but it was a party it was like it was a celebration of life but not not necessarily a party um today my party part your coco my abuela now i'm not even joking about that knock on fucking wood that's not funny that is literally not funny abuelita my grandma's gonna live forever sorry guys if you guys don't have yours anymore mine is literally alive mine is you guys don't have yours anymore. Mine is literally alive and well. Mine is dead as bones. Or my grandpa's dead.

Thank you for reminding me. But yeah, we just did that all night. We'll insert, like, I got two, like, funny videos. Oh, ask Siri what song this is if you want it. What? Shazam it if you want it. Just tell me the song. Fuck you!

With the fart machine, the fart box, and I refuse to ever go out without that thing again. No, it's genuinely amazing it's it's a great time i think y'all should try it if you go out yeah um it's a blast we allow you to take the bit yeah but like do it justice do it justice please like like it has to be 1000 fart sounds oh the best part is I have my favorite fart time stamped. Um, I wrote it. Yeah, no,

I wrote it down cause I hadn't really listened to it all the way through until that night. Um, and there was one that came on. Oh, there was one that came on that I was like, Oh, that's a classic.

Hold on. It's like around this area. Yep, there it is. Hold on. Fuck, it's 2630. Wait, hold on to the mic. Like, that's a classic that's a certified 1000 fart sounds classic i like the water like short ones the little sort of like in the very beginning yeah

yeah but i just had to time stamp that one because and it's time stamped as 26 30 long fart but it's like it's more like 26 26 and then it goes for four seconds dude the thing is too because it was in my purse it was really making the farts hella bassy and i would hold the bag like to my back so like and press up against people so like if they heard it and felt it it was you spraying the fart out of was you spraying fart out of your ass spraying fart out of your butt yeah and that was our fucking night that was our night out on the town and then i don't know what was in the air that night i don't know if i just felt too powerful by farting on bitches all night but like the next day i literally i could have built a car with my

bare hands it was beautiful i could have built a bridge with i bare hands. It was beautiful. I could have built a bridge with... I can build a bridge with my bare hands. The way we built this city... We built this city on cock and balls. It's always something. It's always cock. It's gotta be. No, yeah. No, actually, no.

It should be coochie. Cock and coochie. CC. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. About the coochie part. Yeah, right that that was funny joke like no it wasn't it was just like sexist women literally are not shit yeah we're not shit we're roses flowers a bouquet of flowers i smell like roses roses are fucking disgusting i

never want to see a picture of a rose a drawing of a rose i i hate i hate them i hate them i wish there was a little bug a parasite i could put into roses and the bug would only destroy over roses i don't fuck with roses chemical warfare on roses we can need to we can figure out like a mutation like a gene mutation in roses that kill it um have i said this before that i'm written by a man yes you say it like every single fucking episode have i said that before i think you said it last episode fuck maybe maybe okay i'm written by a man because i have huge tits a nice voluptuous ass oh yeah that was last episode because we talked about mirakami smack

and coochie a clapping a clapping clitoris it's like that's like a new place to drop in fortnight clapping clitoris it's like tilted towers but it's the clapping clitoris we're never gonna get ads ran on our fucking never ever ever ever ever ever um should i just go into reading my notes i feel like this is a good time um i'm in my horny era where does the electricity that supplies teslas come from your mama because no genuinely because like isn't a lot of electricity coal yeah it mostly comes from coal so it's like a conundrum like what's the point if it's still burning coal energy i think the idea is that you create an infrastructure for electric vehicles and then you move the power grid to a sustainable power grid to power those

vehicles and then you also don't have to you don't have to spend energy getting the energy source to the vehicles like with gas um guys sometimes i actually i'm not joking you you go on rants and i smile it makes me smile it makes me smile passing away i'm like passing out i'm like knocking out like kai's mansplaining and like i love you so much but you're like going on and on and on like you spoke for two seconds i'm not kidding i like i i think i'm down for i'm literally down for a mansplain sometimes like actually i love a good mansplain because that you saw my genuine reaction on camera i was smiling i was like this is so smart i thought you wanted me to tell you i want you to mansplain all over me oh okay what like what does that mean mansplain all over him like like with jism what the fuck um okay they're sluts um it literally

takes nothing to sexualize a slut like y'all it takes nothing to sexualize a bitch like you actually it takes a lot a slut a slut bitch okay bodied body body body okay i am serving body if the ukrainian russian conflicts conflict gets any worse i might have to do something about it i might have to why don't you step in now drew like why let, why let it get that far? No, if it gets anywhere. So I might have to do something about it. I literally have, I'm not kidding. Zero information on that. Like, zero information.

And no, and you don't have to tell me because I literally didn't fucking ask. Like, I love. I was going to say, I don't really know you, Drew. I'm literally in my era of, I live in bliss. Like, nothing fucking exists. It's actually, it's genuinely nice. I just know that Ukraineraine and russia are fighting i just know i have to post on ig soon yep like i know i have to post an ig picture like that's

what i know like i know three things wing bot post on ig bath time wing bot junior 3000 i need I need two wing bots For what? When one dies? No I don't need to go further Can you whisper it to me? For my bow Nice I'm just expanding my horizons Oh this is a good one I told Kai I sometimes sleep without a pillow

On purpose and he called me a monster I do that all the time. Yeah, Kai literally freaked out at me. It feels so good to have your head like that bad. Yeah, when it's like breaking your neck. Well, you said that you use your arm as a pillow. I do that all the time too. I'm not kidding. Most nights I sleep like this.

Like I don't like have a pillow and I sleep on my arm. It's actually a big issue. Don't look at me. It hurts. Don't look at me, I'm melting. Are you embarrassed by that fucking head of hair? like have a pillow and I sleep on my arm it's actually a big issue it hurts are you embarrassed by that fucking head of hair yes you should that's nothing to be ashamed of baby so bad all right I'm in straight mode now what does that mean I'm giving straight you're giving high on that that's you look like right

now what's really with your head straight as hell right you should start making meth like actually the three of us we could we could trick everybody breaking bad style i'm walter fuck you i'll be jesse i'm jane oh sorry not a good ending you look you look straight and sexy at the same time. Stop. Stop. Anyway, continue. Continue, guys. Okay.

Wait, what? What about it, though? What about it? Can y'all have sex when we're not doing our goddamn job? Okay. How do people do it? Wait, what? How do people do it? How the fuck do people do it wait what how do people do it how the fuck do people oh oh i freaked out how did you read that and understand like what you were thinking how

do people do it how the fuck do people work all the time i'm genuinely tweaked out but i wrote that earlier today when i was having my conniption fit I have never had withdrawal from nicotine once in my entire life and then that super vape that I got on the road trip literally entered my bloodstream at an alarming rate and my blood to nicotine level was like way too high or something and when I quit this is the first time in my life because I was trying to quit like it we don't have to get into it but I was trying to quit because I was like i literally collapsed my left lung like it hurts so bad to breathe like this is not okay like this is the worst thing i've ever put in my body i need to chill hedonistic year over like i had my fun january it's done um and then i tried to quit

and i was so angry and pissy and stressed the past week. Yeah. And also, it doesn't help that the puff that I was smoking was literally like I was smoking cotton. Like, it was dead for, like, a week. I have nothing to say that because I'm not addicted to anything other than slang. So, like, it's like you're putting me in a tough position where i have nothing to give you you look so fucking gross when you do that face snapchat me that pussy oh i i'd like to think that i i want to enter like a nicer era of my life where i'm like a little bit nicer girl wait but i want to shoot people look i want to buy a bb gun and just kind of shoot people in the feet.

Look what I have written down in my notes. Oh, that's not happening now. Entering our nice era. Oh, no, no, no. It can happen. I'm trying. It's coming soon. It's coming soon.

I'm trying. I'm trying. I want to be nice. You should practice on me and say something nice. I literally started the episode with a compliment and you're being fucking greedy. You're begging for compliments now. Kai, you are like a flower and you but a rose oh what that was actually the meanest thing you've ever said that was super

fucked up yeah and every i'm trying to think of a fucking way to put this beautifully but my brain is literally off you're like a flower and you bloom and there's so many layers you're like a blooming onion from you're like a blooming onion from the outback steakhouse there's so many layers to you and it's crispy um i like hanging out with you okay when we work okay the blooming onion The Blooming Onion reference was better. The thing is, I am nice. But I show love with anger. And I do fight everyone. I think there is validity to that, though. It's like how, literally, I've said this before.

It's not like everybody that I'm hateful to knows that I love them. Yeah, it's like when I like... That is so gnarly. No, it's like when I, like... That is so gnarly. No, it's like when I see a zoo... Wait, I just thought about that. That's so... Everybody that I'm mean to, like, knows that it's coming from a loving place. No, it's literally like when I see a zoo,

like, I just want to grab her by the fucking head and swing her over my head like a little fucking helicopter and slam her body against the wall and kill her and then like watch her come back to life. But like I can't do that. So like that's what I do to humans. Not exactly that. But like you get me.

It's like the cute rage. Yeah. I want to do that to Azul out of love. And then I shouldn't be like I can't do anything but use my words with full swing. I've literally never been this domed in my life i'm like high as fuck off this vape right now i'm not even kidding today drew was like stressing the fuck out and he's like i literally need to hit a dab right now i need to chew the fuck out if i hit a dab it would literally kill me i'm not kidding for some reason i i borderline almost took a serious because i was

like we have to film podcast tonight if he hits anything like we're not doing shit for two weeks a month maybe i like laughed at the idea of both of us like if i hit a dab i would actually die i i don't even know what like technically makes a dab a dab it's just the pure like almost the purest form of thc so it's meth basically but yeah i don't like i can't like i can't like we somehow somehow like every three episodes we get to talking about weed but i'm done i'm done it doesn't fucking exist and neither do you the person if you're watching this you literally don't exist you gotta get up and you gotta you gotta figure your shit out i'm not kidding run around because wake up wake up wake up wake up nightmare nightmare nightmare wake up wake up wake up you're

not alive you're not alive i'm talking to you right now if it's in your head it's in your head everything is in your head you're not breathing um that's about it man yeah i got a couple more notes that i could read the thing is you always are like oh i have notes i can read and it's the most like blasphemous nothingness ever it's like i am a changed man you know how earlier in the podcast i was very against meat on the bone i had those chicken wings dude it was it changed me and yeah those wings what was it from mason spot um american deli were those where it was from yeah those changed that made it sound like mason owns american deli those it was his recommendation those literally changed everything about me like i off the bone is like i just feel like a little fucking animal when i sit

when i crouch at our coffee table in the living room and i'm just like eating like and fucking tearing into me i'm like this is it this is i'm human my feet i need to go outside and touch dirt i need to start walking around with no shoes the most human shit i've ever done is when i went to big sir and was like hiking and then took off my my shoes and like stood in the water for a second and then started eating a mango with my bare hands and like i was just like all sticky and like i like i felt like a little like monkey the juice all over monkey. The juice all over. Yeah, I did juice all over the place. I stained all of the Big Sur National Park.

What? I stained it with my juices. The fuck? And I peed on everything. I didn't even know a human could take that much pee. Should I bring this out? Drew, I think, needs help. I got a new instrument.

If you're visually watching, you can already see. If you're audio listening, here's a little taste. if iphones didn't exist you'd be living under a bridge if iphones did not exist i don't know where the fuck you'd be you'd be in the middle of cranberry like digging a hole to the other side of the earth okay let me just preface this it has what is this uh three quarters jack um so you connect it to an interface and you can add reverberation and shit to it and it does sound actually really beautiful um but like raw out of the instrument it's giving nothing it's giving like metal it's giving like you got high as shit and you thought you were about to build like a teleportation device it's giving schizophrenia it's schizophrenia i'm just so curious like what

are the things that we say on the podcast that in two months when people decide they've had enough they they're done seeing us they don't want to see us anymore what are the clips that they're gonna bring up and be like these motherfuckers are evil uh everything i've ever said literally everything i've said yeah because you're fucking sexist you're problematic yepmatic yes you're stan-o-matic you're stan-worthy yes stan me slay me you have no fucking life in your eyes sometimes like sometimes you look like i can go plop you with all my other dolls and you just live forever that actually sounds like my dream existence i'm not fucking kidding i wish i was like a poster someone could hang up and then when they're over me they could just crumble me up and like i could disintegrate into the earth

when i was over prescribed um medication in high school like when they were i don't have i talked about the stack that they had me on no um in high school i was prescribed um a 30 milligram via vance in the morning along with the kolonapin at the same time so i was literally doing a speedball every morning and then i would go to school and halfway through the day i would go to the nurse and take a 15 milligram instant release adderall and then i would get home from school and this was all legally prescribed to me by a pill pushing doctor it was not okay and then i would go home and have the option of taking a literal bar of xanax which is like fucking insane i was 16 years old 17 years old i literally okay yeah i was on my uh shit um but i always described the experience

as like being wallpaper i was like i literally felt like wallpaper and like like i was just like peeling off the wall were you like wallpaper in like a miami bathroom with no ventilation and humidity yeah it was like stained and it was peeling off and like it had like air bubbles behind it yeah it was it was not chill wallpaper um but like now i kind of miss that feeling and i wish i could go back to just being wallpaper that's literally like what i always say yeah peak of human existence is sadness so rest in it and enjoy it because that's when you feel most alive you can't be happy without sadness someone was like why does god allow so much suffering um because you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good if there was literally fun

it is so fun to be sad like oh like oh it feels like when you're out of it like obviously when you're in it it's like detrimental and you're like how am i supposed to exist like how am i literally like so hard like why am i here but then when you're out of it and you're like just plateauing and you're not necessarily happy but you're just like living existence as normal humans should, like you just miss that pit. Like it's like a nice like pit in your gut. This is the scariest thought, but like what if like we're out of like our chemical balancing eras and we're just not clinically depressed anymore? I'm literally not because I'm running from something. I said it this morning.

You said it to manifest something. You're trying so hard to put that into there. I said it this morning. I was like, I'm on the border. I'm about to fall. I'm about to fall deep. I'm literally free soloing my mental health right now. That's what I'm doing.

That is a crazy analogy. That's so sick. I am running. I'm running faster than I've ever ran in my life. There cannot be a moment of silence. No moments of rethinking decisions. No moments of thinking about my day. Just drown yourself in work.

I just drown. I drown in thoughts of everything else but my own existence. It's. And I'm fucking serving. Wait. I'm literally happier than fucking anybody on earth. Yes. Probably not happier than me.

No, I am. Bibs. Probably are. Probably are. What were you going to say? yes probably not happier than me no i am bibs or you decide uh i was gonna use the analogy that josh has been using a bunch where it's like football players the reason why they're so good it's i think it's who oh my god i cannot believe i'm fucking referencing this person right now kai who wrote infinite jest david foster wallace david foster wallace has this really cool analogy that josh keeps telling me and i literally love it so much it's not even an analogy it's just like an observation he made um about like uh like people who are like the best at their sports i i'm gonna like botch it i don't even want to get into it but basically basically, the gist of it is people who are the best at their sports are the best because their brains are empty. And they don't even realize that they're the best, kind of. But maybe that's not giving

them enough credit. But I botched it, like I said. Ignore everything I just said. No, because now they're literally literally gonna go and re-quote you please never quote me drew phillips never do it actually quote me on that quote me on that never quote me what is that what is that you are freaking out right now dude i have literally felt so fucked up all day and like i finally feel kind of normal i don't know what's going on with my brain i think it's like i don't know i'm a walking conundrum because i literally drink sit here and drink my electrolytes i eat my 50 vitamins every morning i take my tinctures my

mushroom extracts and then i hit my puff bar that's okay it's all about balance you can do good and bad things and still enjoy life quote me on that like literally like i just made that up what are the bad things how far are the bad things you can do literally anything you want because you can make whatever decisions you want like that is like what human life is and that's like quantum simulation um but i feel you every single day i wake up and there i literally i right now in this moment i don't know how i got right here like i can't i just wake up and then i live all day and then it's time to go to sleep and i don't know what happens in between and whatever happens in between it's honestly not my fault like i'm literally describing like normal life now i'm on autopilot oh yes put me on autopilot please

put me on that was gonna suck i'm not gonna say it i've lost it i've lost it i've lost my mind this podcast is literally just like every episode seeing how much like little and little of like human lives we have behind our eyes. As of right now. No, I'm literally fucking awesome. And I could take on any motherfucker watching this. I could literally beat the fuck out of you. I wish I had the human strength to pick someone up and throw them in fucking traffic.

Because I would do it. I'm becoming self-aware again i'm literally the complete opposite i'm so lacking clarity i'm lacking clarity how do i fix that go to fucking therapy oh i have therapy tomorrow i'm not going i'm just not going i'm literally she's gonna call me and be like, what? No. You can't. Yeah, no, I have to talk. How long have we been on, Kai? 10 minutes. Fuck, dude. We can just end this episode with saying Kai is sexy.

Yeah, Kai is sexy, hot. Also, streaming is fun. Oh, yeah, that's the fun thing we actually did this week. Because I literally want to be a streamer so bad. I used to do it. Twitch was is fun. Oh, yeah. That's the fun thing we actually did this week. Because I literally want to be a streamer so bad. I used to do it. Twitch was so fun. But my Mac, it literally destroyed my computer. Like, my computer isn't a newer computer anyways.

Isn't a newer computer anyways. So, it was bound to happen. But the second I downloaded OBS onto my, like, iMac,ac it destroyed it and i couldn't stream again you know what we can talk about is the andrea from andrea lopez andrea lopez from the discord you you take well i'll just like give like a brief like basically through our patreon we have a discord and i went in there the other day and people were like, how do you feel about Andrea Lopez? And they kept saying it to me. And, like, sometimes they'll do that in the Discord.

And it's, like, them calling out their friends just to, like, have a moment where, like, I can say something funny about their friends. But I was like, I don't know who the fuck this is. Like, they're not in chat right now. I don't know who this is. So, I was just like, who the fuck is that? And they were like, it's our friend. And they were like, have Drew fill you in in but i fully forgot about it until today um yes it was um sorry i just got another message that scared me um but uh yeah andrea lopez basically long story short i'll just give it away in the very beginning

um the entire server was catfished by andrea lopez and like this person does not exist never existed and spoke in the most insane like way i've ever seen like like it was like so deranged and uh it was just hilarious and she was like super problematic and just like really evil and everyone was like who the fuck is she was 35 with two kids yeah 35 with two kids and constantly dropping her kids off at school and like all this crazy this is a fake made-up person someone sat in their room and made this person up and catfished literally everyone and they're a genius for it and also the person who did it had conversations with themselves on the discord so it made everyone not even for one second think it was them yeah which is hilarious it's awesome

and it took them so long to get to the bottom of who it was and like people were forming like real relationships and friendships with this like 35 year old in our discord. And like she wasn't real the entire time. Also, it's just so funny. Like that would happen in our discord. Yeah. Like we promote such like vile behavior, such as lying for fun. And someone literally was like, I'm going to get on here and lie for fun.

They say we are IRS. I say don't call, please. They call, call, call. I don't give. That's like messages about her. That she said? Yeah. Someone was like, someone was talking to her.

And then they were like, I know I'm funny. And she goes, yes, like my old husband. Sad face. Like alluding that like her husband's either dead or, like, she got a divorce. Sorry, I can't. But, yes, it was insane. What was the... They also made her homophobic.

Yeah, which is not chill at all. Like, literally not chill at all. Like, not saying crazy things. It would be like someone would say like be who you are with the rainbow pride of flag and she would say no no um but yeah we i just we had to call like mention that because it's so fucking funny um yeah and that's that on that on that um we're We're making an army of liars, misandrous, slays. Evil, diabolical people. Cunts.

Yes. Okay. I'm not allowed to say that word. Media of the slay. Okay. I'll start. Let's do the new Vegan album. It's really cool. I haven't listened to it all the way.

It's like 75 songs long. It's a really long album, but there's a bunch of really good songs. You can just pick and choose. Really nice album. Um, uh, I really like All I Think About Now by the Pixies. It's a really cute song. It might not be cute. I don't listen to lyrics um so it

could be like really evil and then desire by moody man um i'm on a moody man kick right now that's a really good song um okay i'm getting used to you barcelona um like i Um, like I, I like, why do I feel like I can't say that? Maybe don't. Um, I've just been listening to the Outkast album, um, Speakerboxx, The Love Below. This is going to be like literally inflammatory on my name and people are gonna be mad at me but i had never listened to big boy's side of that album like i just always cared about like andre 3000 um what me too oh it's really fucking good like i had heard

songs but like it was never like oh i'm gonna play this album all the way through it's really good and obviously there's like a really popular song from his side that was like a single um but yeah it's really fucking good and then curve in light by mid-air thief and eyes without a face billy idol and then the movie is time me up time me down by pedro aldo movar is that his name i don't think that's his name my movie is a movie that you were watching today and i just tangerine yeah i need to re-watch that because that's it's really good i went on such a tangent about sean baker a good i don't think it was a tangent yeah it was really good it was just like your opinion he's a really good filmmaker has he made anything after florida project uh i think he made a movie recently like red rocket or something with sean penn not sean

penn maybe it's sean penn he just released a movie in like 2021 i think let me make sure florida project is a i'm pretty sure most of you have seen it that's like one of my favorite fucking movies ever i watched that in theaters like seen it That's like one of my favorite fucking movies ever I watched that in theaters like four times I missed that era of my life When I would see a movie that I liked so much I would go and pay to watch it again Just movies don't do that for me anymore

Like there's no another Simon Rex not Sean Penn But yeah Red Rocket Simon Rex Orange County Yes Apparently he bodies that role Which is really cool. Can I smell your feet before we go?

No, please, please. Okay, well, that was it for this episode. Me and you are going to go make out with lots of tongue now. It's going to be sloppy. Like, how do you... Bye. Bye!