Emergency Intercom - pri demon th

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

Trisha Paytas is unironically a fan of the podcast, Drew ate over 100 spiders, and then saw a psychic that read him to filth. Then delivers his most painful stand up set yet. https://www.patreon.com/emergencyintercom join the Patreon for bonus episodes, q&a/topic submissions, livestreams, pay for ky's lobotomy business inquiries: [e-mail] instagram: @emergencyintercom @emergencyintercomclips tiktok: @emergencyintercompod Produced By TMG Studios, Enya Umanzor, and Drew Phillips Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sick of dreaming smaller? Sick of investing but not seeing your money grow? Sick of feeling like you're leaving money on the table, paying high fees, and not knowing if you're even making the right investments? With Questrade, you get the right tools, stock insights, and proper guidance so you can become a better investor. It's time to get the financial future you deserve. Get yours. Questrade. Hey guys! What's up? Welcome back to the episode. Dude, I needed to let that out so bad holy shit you know earlier this morning drop off rate for the episode as you gave it was like 90 90 and you know what's crazy and yet thank you for that because this morning i woke up and i said i hope i laugh today because i haven't been

laughing recently and you made me laugh. Thank you. You're literally, you'll spend like a single day alone all day and then be like, I just don't, I don't have laughter in my life. I don't laugh anymore. I don't think I've laughed in a year. Truly. Truly.

Okay. But seriously, before we start this episode, i want to say this to you guys but especially to true give me your hand happy pride i love you so don't fucking play with me oh my god don't fucking play with me oh my god i was i didn't even say anything else i just said fucking happy pride all right we're back y'all sorry guys i had to go to the er but and you got a couple suitors you know what's crazy is last time i went to the er is when um our apartment the incident happened at the apartment which one um you were in a neck brace

kai was all touted out oh yeah yeah yeah the last episode we did at the apartment that was the last time i went to the er and they said the same thing this time they were like thank god you're straight so you're fine and you're amazing that's all they said it was weird can you give me the name of that hospital no i think i think they're really good at what they do so i'm suing them why for being truthful for being hateful for being a hateful hospital she went to the uh westboro baptist hospital oh wait i love that place oh wait i love that church i love that church um well with that being the start of the episode i love this back and forth that's unraveling between us and tricia where it's like every other week we're

just talking about each other lightly i haven't even seen this clip yet okay i'm gonna play for drew he hasn't seen it i woke up and I had a text that said, Trisha talked about us. So I immediately went and my nosy ass was checking. And this is what she had to say. We were a part of her maternity obsession. I don't know if that's my obsession. Definitely not.

Emergency intercom. That's the only PG-13 thing we can watch. I was watching Emergency Intercom because i saw any andrew they were talking i i did not know did you check your dms from drew no oh he talked about he said if trisha ever looks at my dms from uh yes i saw that part but i don't think he did i think i checked i don't think he did i think it was maybe i don't know because for ted maybe i feel like after a while they expire because i definitely have dms had a few times and the only one that was in there was one yeah i literally saw one from him oh my god that's so iconic so I saw them talking about

they were so nice because I truly didn't know when we talked we talked about the shirt that I told you shirt from challengers and then how the ceiling fell on them and I don't know who they are but they were like so nice because like so many people get offended if I say like look there's five million podcasts out there I'm sure most people don't a lot of people don't know who I am I mean a lot of people do but a lot of people probably don't know who I am too and I would never be like oh my god I can't believe they don't know who I am like just people people don't. A lot of people don't know who I am. I mean, a lot of people do. But a lot of people probably don't know who I am, too. And I would never be like, oh, my God, I can't believe they don't know who I am. Like, just people just don't know. So they were super nice about it because, like, I didn't know who they were.

And you enlightened me. And I was like, okay, I love them. They're great. That sounds iconic. And they were really nice. They were like, they're like, oh, yeah, like, it was cool. She mentioned us or whatever. So then I was like, let me watch Emergency Intercom.

And then I started watching it. And I actually really loved both of them. And I was like, shout out to them. And I love their podcast. I love that their podcast is, like, not boring. Like, so many podcasts, like Couples Podcast. Wow. Or, you know, I don't know, whatever. Couples Podcast. Wait, what? I get bored of shout out to them. And I love their podcast. I love that their podcast is like not boring. Like so many podcasts, like couples podcast. Wow. I don't know.

Whatever. Wait, what? I get bored of them after a while. I've been watching pretty basic unfiltered, whatever that one is. I've been watching that. But I'm ready to get it comes funny. Like they're funny. They have a good like they're not in a relationship, right?

I don't believe so. Is he gay? No. We don't know. No. No. She has such good results. I don't believe so. Is he gay? I think. We don't know. We don't I don't believe so is he gay?

I think it's pride month and it's pride month no that is so fucking sick I'm like realizing that I think I have like a weirdly like not parasocial because I'm not like she's not

somebody who I'm like feel like I'm friends with but you know how there's certain celebrities who we always talk about like it takes so much for me to be like oh my god I can't believe this person but the smile on my face watching that this morning I was like this is a bit jarring how happy this is it literally felt like when I saw Beyonce in concert for the first time like I'm not kidding like the way I was like welling up and i was just like wait i did not know i love this person that yeah that's how it felt her mentioning us she's so like mother goose like she has like maternal vibes yeah also congrats on the birth of elvis elvis shout out elvis which is a really cute girl name yeah um but yeah i mean so i'm not the only buddy uh person who uh i'm not the only buddy I'm not the only buddy person who

I'm not the only buddy I'm not the only person I'm not the only buddy in you what does that mean I'm not the only person who associates you with pride and I don't think you're gonna smash a vase on Trisha's head so it's just like you know Trisha come into my studio and if you say anything anything you're getting a bottle

next like I don't fucking play we need to give malibu a breakaway bottle and let her break it on our head damn well that was fucking sick and a great way to start this episode because that's some other booze mother boots she tore she tore right right well spiders have been attacking me in my bed and you finally saw it she thought i was like fucking tripping but like no i swear to god that's what you get for being one of those annoying bitches who's like their only crime is being small well no i was like that i genuinely was like damn their only crime is being small like if a spider's in my room i won't kill it because i'm like you deserve to live and you're protecting

me and your spirits are nice um but y'all they've like started like attacking me in my bed and i think i talked about it on a past episode but but like, I will see them like crawling on my window seal by my bed and they'll run across and then disappear. And I'm just like, whatever, like crawling in my ear and my mouth and my sleep. Like, I literally don't give a fuck. Like, it's not that deep. Like spiders are empty calories anyways. Like what the fuck?

Um, but like this fucking spider was like um attacking me in my bed like i was gonna let it live and it ran at me like really fucking fast so i smashed it with a book and then i told india about it and she was like girl shut the fuck up and i was like no literally they're a spider like they're all attacking me they're coming for me like it's crazy it is actually insane like being like the type of person that i am like a very empathetic person that like gets used a lot just in what the fuck does this have to do with spider i just get used and abused and thrown out to the curb um but that was a random tangent but anyways this fucking spider and it was in my room and we were just chilling and i pointed it out and they're all the same fucking size which is really creepy like they're all and i'm starting to think it might be the same spider over and over again and they just survive

i don't fucking or you might find that those spiders grow to that size and that's their adult and then they start attacking me they all deserve their job that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying is like you are always like oh protect bugs but no their whole goal is to bite you no literally it was like actually so scary and you saw it and and you had to kill him for me because i felt really bad um about killing him i didn't i smushed the fuck out of that into my bed sheets left a blood stain on my bed like it was nasty and then you know what i did every spider that i kill now in my bed in or around my bed i put them on the window seal that they come from and i just have

them laying there one by one it's just gonna start eating them no if they they're literally it's gonna be like air dried like fucking crispy yeah it's like freeze dried spiders yeah um no but i put them there as a warning sign i'm like look if you come near me i will kill you and like now they have it's like the stand your ground law in florida like don't enter my fucking space because i'll smoosh your ass like a fuck immediately but yeah i've just been like attacked by spiders and then i found out that like putting bugs outside like is actually deadly to them because they're acclimated you're like evicting them from yeah yeah i'm like literally destroying their lives and killing them immediately but so this is a message to all the spiders out there um don't fucking play

with me like literally don't fucking play do you like think we have like there's a few spider listeners like for sure can i get the tom hollenberger hold the spiders can i get the h2o burger with the mermaid tail sauce well the other day in the car with drew he said something and i was like i'm not kidding if you did meth i genuinely think you would solve a lot of problems like the way drew thinks that it like a lot of some meth y'all like because sometimes no seriously get me meth okay no and now you're like too eager at first you were like oh no i would never and now it seems like you've been thinking about it like i just know can we move on well also i have so many all of my notes are about drew right now because all we've been doing is laying in his

bed and hanging out and when we were sitting in his bed watching tiktoks the other night he got one of those drew doesn't let me go through his drafts because now i know it's full of shit like this first of all he got one of those tiktok that was like your career is about to take off in a magnificent way and he used the sound and posted it on private and then there was another tiktok that it was like it was like a money spread tiktok and he was like claim i just i'm looking at my phone i hear claim claim claim i'm claiming this energy i'm claiming this energy claim claim claim claiming manifesting manifesting claiming claiming this energy manifesting this i claim i claim i claim my claim only the good parts only the good part

and he literally has been doing that and he also oh wait you went to a psychic yeah yeah yeah okay we need to finish this um so if you go through my private because they always say like use this sound it can be private so i put it on private and i just use it like in the darkness with a like showing my face and i have the sound and i upload it and it's a fucking vibe but the ones that piss me off the fucking most is when it's like your mother will die in six hours if you don't use this sound so i just started clicking not interested on it but i used to like scroll by really quick like i didn't see it i will say i do i don't believe in it but i do catch myself scrolling by really quick like if i don't finish it it doesn't count on me do you

remember the chain mail like carmen winstead shit like that that's like the modern day version of that and they're all just like view and interaction farming and it fucking works bro it's so annoying that like that's the new era of it because it felt so much more real when you were getting a text like that sent directly to your phone that was so jarring like getting a text i was like if you don't send this to 20 people your best friend is gonna die in their sleep i genuinely i would not be sending that to 20 people like not even close not even one person would get that if if it meant my best friend is dying like i, I'm letting that bitch die. I'm right here.

I think, are you talking about me? Yes. Oh. Well, if there was a text that was... The sexy guy in your life, if you don't send 20 messages, the sexy guy will die. Of course it would be me. No, I think there's other people

who could take that category. Kai? No. Wait, what? Actually, now that I said that, I can't think of a single man in my life who I would ever describe as sexy. Is there a sexy girl in your life?

Oh, yeah. There's plenty of sexy girls. Maybe this month is for you too, babe. No. See how that doesn't even sound right? When I say it to you, something about that rings true. When you say it about me, it's like... That doesn't even sound right. It's like sound right when i say it to you something about that like rings true when you say it about me it's like hey that doesn't even sound yeah that don't

even sound it's like the manifesting so it's like okay okay you think you're oh you think you're gonna trick me um i need to know about the psychic and you need to do it now because also now i'm thinking about the audio message you sent me last night this is just the drew episode because you've just been such a funny person this week and usually you're really like sad and boring and awful to be around and like i have to like make sure i separate from him um but this week you were on like an okay one okay damn uh drew phillips catching catching strays episode drew phillips being skinny episode wait when's that right fucking now babe wait do we have that kind of technology no no no

wait I just laughed I literally just laughed y'all holy fuck holy shit we broke the curse okay so I've been getting callings recently from like the beyond and it started with okay you're schizophrenic

It started with hallucinogens and I said this last time like every like five years like I get a calling to like try one Probably not in the headspace to do that right now. Of course not Um, but when I was 16, it felt very real boredom, but yeah, no the calling is called addiction No, every five years i would get a calling and then i would do it and then it would shift my reality and fuck me up for four years and completely melt my fucking brain um well i got a calling from a sidekick recently like i just like i felt the need to go and i had never been before and i was like fuck dude there's one like right up you never even had your like tarot cards right no no or maybe maybe at yeah at the when i was at um my best friend bella's event she

had like a tarot card reader yeah like me and bella hadid like we're really close and she like had tarot card reading like she's like basically my best friend and like oh you mean the event i was invited to and i put you down on the list? And then you didn't go. And then we just had like a night out on the town. That's my girl, y'all. I actually, that was like one of those moments I had FOMO because it sounded like all of our friends were together.

Yeah, it was really fun. Oh, now that I remember, I had a way better night because my friends are evil and they make me feel awful. I was going to say, it really was potentially the greatest night of my life. And I feel like it would have been the greatest night of your life if you were there just like the vibes were there the drinks were flowing i'm just like not believing it because you're like not happy like the party bus location next location next club next club like it was a movie it was a fucking movie um but what the fuck oh oh i decided i was like oh i want to go to a sidekick really really

fucking badly i've never been also he was trying to convince me to go with him for like two hours straight he was like what are you doing and i was like i need to go eat and he was like wait but we should go to a sidekick that sounds fun and i was like i don't want to go and then he's like no but what if you like oh they're gonna say something so good and i was like no yeah i was like let's fucking go like come was like, no. Yeah, I was like, let's fucking go. Like, come on, like, let's turn up. And I was like, there was one right after shoot from my house

that I've seen for the last five years. And then I finally called them. They didn't answer my call the first time I called. And this was like after I was begging y'all to go. And then I called them back. And then they were like, oh, no, no, no. This was before, because I already had my time slot.

But then I called them back and they answered. And was so spooky ooky vibe she was like very mystical feeling and i was like fuck like this is very like authentic like this is about to be a vibe it's right up the street from our house like in a regular ass home so i make the appointment for an hour later get there yeah that's the crazy part you didn't go to one that's like in an office space or like a storefront space this is one that we've passed forever and it's a house it's like a house on the side of the road with a big sign yeah and i like pull up and um immediately i have like an a gnarly gut feeling i'm like oh something bad is like genuinely about to happen like i was literally like oh i'm gonna be kidnapped but then i remembered i'm a 16 year old boy that looks like

a 26 year old man so i was like they're not gonna fucking kidnap me like what the fuck like i look older than i actually am y'all um i don't get carded for alcohol anymore um but i'm only 16 so okay um but anyways i pull up i go through the front door it's really fucking creepy vibes and i walk into literally anybody who comes into our apartment i go through the front door. It's really fucking creepy vibes. And I walk into literally anybody who comes into our apartment. I go up the front door. It's really creepy. Like bad feng shui, bad feng shui. I open the front door and I am greeted with just a family home with like a child and a

man running around, like chasing after their daughter, like wrangling her to get her out of like the living room. And then there was like this shitty little desk in the corner we sit at the desk um and she's like how do you want to do this what do you want and i was just like uh i just want my past present and future like i don't i don't know if there's anything you can do for that and she was like yeah and then she like listed all the prices out and then i was like oh fuck like this shit is expensive like no i'll get to that i paid a hundred dollars for 30 minutes let's just start that okay first of all you should have just gone to fucking therapy i know literally read me read me to fucking filth in the comments because i know

that is fucking ridiculous but i was just like i'm already there like i'm gonna talk about it on the podcast it's gonna be funny yeah i guess how do you get there and be like oh wow and then leave her house you know literally literally i guess any real adult who has like normal brain capacity probably would have done any dignity um but anyway she starts didn't she starts the reading um and i could immediately tell this is like so phony and she's not like a real sidekick like i do believe that like there are people that are mediums but like it is funny that every single famous medium is a white woman in her late 40s bored as fuck housewife like i'm sorry i'm sorry like look at all every single one of them on yelp was a white woman and i was like okay like this cannot be this this is not the tea

but anyways i pull up um i sit down and i immediately am like fuck dude like what did i get myself into because i am like already crying laughing at the shit she's saying and i'm like damn dude like i have to like get out of this and then i anyways long story short or long story even longer because it's already been a long story um she starts reading my cards and like she starts saying like the funniest shit ever and i wasn't uh voice memo recording in the beginning because i just forgot and then 10 minutes in she she called me a very very weak person she. She said, I am a very, very weak minded leader. Also, I gave her a fake name and a fake birthday and all this shit because I wanted to see

if she was authentic. She called me a very weak person. And so I started screen recording and she like went on to just berate me for being like a terrible, terrible terrible person she was like you are a bad person like you are weak there's nothing you can do to fix it and i kept asking her like through tears of laughter i was like how do i fix this how do i fix this and she's like we'll get to that we'll get to that and basically it was like she was just trying to extend past 30 minutes so she'd be like okay the time is well no i was supposed to have an hour but she ended it at 30 minutes because she got mad at me but anyways because i was i mean i

was literally crying laughing dude like i could not and like i was like acting like i was crying i just like so much it's all over the mic i just spit everywhere but i was like crying laughing because i was like holy shit this is so funny but I was like trying to act like I was crying but then she started saying that I was surrounded by evil and like I'm gonna try to find it in the voice memo no that's all I could think about was like literally y'all you need to be more strong you need someone to be able to tell you exactly, what are these type of things I need to be able to do in my life? What are these things I need to be able to achieve in?

Because there is no protection around you. Surprisingly, there is not. Because it's... Where are you currently working? I lie. The reason why that I say that is because I truly feel there's a lot of jealous people around you. Yup. So many people are jealous of your...

Kion and Nia. So many people are jealous of your success a lot of people are honestly jealous upon who the person you really are and these are people that you are not friends with no but these are definitely people that see you on social media i don't with you around whoever it is you understand me because there is someone with instead of life that's trying to honestly take you down. And that is negative energy. Negative energy. And that is the empathic spirit that is trying to attack you. Spirits that are trying to attack me. Meanwhile, I'm crying.

I'm crying. Because of the jealousy. The jealousy. I'm sorry. She's not so angry. Because of the jealousy. The jealousy. And for that reason, you need to have a lot of protection around you

so that there's no jealous or interference with inside of your life, with inside of your business. But I'm going to... Did she give you any advice? Are they supposed to give advice? Yes, but that leads me to the next part. This episode is brought to you by Samsung Galaxy. Ever captured a great night video

only for it to be ruined by that one noisy talker? With Audio Erase on the new Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra, you can reduce or remove unwanted noise and relive your favorite moments without the distractions. And that's not all. New Galaxy AI features, like NowBrief, will give you personalized insights based on your day schedule, so that you're prepared, no matter what. Pre-order the Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra now at Samsung.com. What's up Spotify? This is Javi. I remember this one time we were on tour. We didn't have any guitar

picks and we didn't have time to go to the store so we placed an order on Prime and it got there the next day ready for the show. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Basically, she started saying that like since birth, my mother like passed on evil energy to me. And she was like, how's your relationship with your mom? And I was like, oh, it's like fantastic. And she was like, oh, well, like she held on to like a lot of evil, sinister energy. And she passed that on to you. Basically saying that this is all my mom's fault. That like I have evil spirits attached to me.

Pam, you better count your fucking day. No, literally, literally like, fuck you, mom. That's what I was, I called her yesterday and then missed her call back and then called her on the way here. And that's what I need to talk to her about. And then I realized at the end of it, I was like, oh, I know what she's doing.

And so I caught on and it was basically her like trying to upsell me on all of this other shit that she can do she was saying that like i'm weak i have evil spirits like attacking me there's jealous people in my life and the only way to get rid of them is to come back to me or stay after today and get like a chakra cleansing a cleansing um a meditation session, like all this shit. And she was just like, when I told her, I was like, no, I have to be somewhere after this. Her vibe completely shifted. And then I was like, oh fuck, she really is phony. And this is all a ploy to get me to join her church. She kept talking. Then I started looking around and I was like, oh wow, there is like a lot

of Jesus memorabilia around for like a psychic. Like that's really interesting. And then she went on this long tangent about how like, I need to find God in Jesus, the holy power. And that like, that's the only way they can save you along with my cleansing and chakra cleansing. And she was like, I don't do any voodoo. I don't do any like hexing. I don't do none of that shit. Like it's literally just like the power of God. And she was like, you should come with me at of that shit like it's literally just like the power yeah the power of god and she was like you should come with me at some point like to my church and like at first i was like oh is this like a cult or something but wait should i go as undercover and see if she does the same thing yes and yeah i go in and she's like you're amazing you're

surrounded by love except one evil entity that's living in your home with you and then she's like oh my god and you're no she's like your cat loves you um but there's just something oh it's you and she's like and that person's very weak well this evil entity will burn down your fucking house with a zoo inside and i won't be there and blow up your fucking car so you can't now i need to go back this week and we need to start an investigation and start well that was the thing at the end of it when i said no to all her add-ons but i was like i want to bring my friends like i want them to come and then she lit up again and she was like yeah bring all your friends bring everybody bring all the good vibes bring all

your friends like please please please bring okay her saying bring all the good vibes girl you just told me all my friends were fucking evil no literally evil thoughts because the evil is trying to attack you mentally yeah sorry i'm this is crazy you've been going to sleep at night with tears in your eyes yeah yeah i'm sorry i'm not like laughing it's just crazy no no it's okay you're like reading me to filth right now too much yeah too just like too much. Yeah. Too much. You have been having nightmares of people that you have not even seen before.

Or maybe even creatures of some sort. Yeah. Maybe even you in a very dark, deep hole and you don't know how to get yourself out of. Yeah.

You understand me? Or maybe even someone trying to murder you or something like really drastic and weird. Yeah. I also am seeing like my loved ones around me like literally burning alive like constantly or like getting executed are these

pat are these loved ones um passed on or did they pass or are they here they're still here they're here with us okay okay i have had a dream about a loved one that passed on that was a zombie but it was scary oh my gosh my dear you know what that means that means that there is something that's really trying to attack you there is a evil spirit

that is connected to you that is trying to be able to get into your mind and control you and manipulate you you are very easy to manipulate that is true i know that it's trying to control you and manipulate you um but yeah that shit was killing me and then i left and i was like you'd be like sorry i'm not laughing at you it's just this is a lot although you say to this random woman in the most serious sound like yeah i'm so sorry you're just like reading me to filth right now and then she went on this long tangent because

i forgot like how we got there but she was talking about like um how like someone came into her house and put her fish in the garbage disposal and turned it on and i was like girl oh i brought up how you killed my bug let me find it let me find it wait drew how did you pay her venmo okay so she saw your real name but i paid her after the reading and it was it was crazy she like literally i could have walked out of there without paying her like she she wanted me out like her tone shifted in the craziest way sure my dear have any animals um because she needs oh they got they put the fish down i love it i will have but they don't know i don't worry about you know what i mean yeah to put aside sorry enjoying times and our good times now there's something that's reading we open a new chapter we open a new book Sorry Okay, starts at 1040 What the fuck does she mean by that?

It's fucking pride month, boy I know, like that was evil i don't see children maybe like fur babies you know what i mean like animals and stuff yeah do you have any animals um not currently no okay yeah i wish you went i wish you like when she said that you were like i'm actually engaged to the love of my life right now and she's expecting yeah literally further and been like i'm sorry to tell you this but there's a miscarriage coming yeah literally she would have like said she would have definitely doubled down babies you know what i mean like animals and stuff yeah do you have any

animals 11 um not currently no okay yeah i had a praying mantis at one point. Oh, my God. I love it. That's probably so scary, though. Yeah, it was scary. My roommate killed her. What? On accident, on accident. I think she sprayed vinegar inside of her container because she needs moisture. Oh. And she was taking care of it.

And I think she accidentally, like, sprayed vinegar in there. Oh, my God. You want to hear something terrible so i had someone come over to my house and clean the fish tank they got they put the fish down the garbage disposal and turned it on why i don't know i still don't know to this day that is horrifying yeah what fish did you have your special interest coming out here like a reef tank and she was like it was a fucking beta fish and i was like girl like you were probably abusing that fucking fish anyways like they need tanks but yeah so i went to a psychiatrist and she told me oh yeah you need to go to a psychiatrist i do i do no i went to a psychiatrist she told me that i'm fuck i said

it again bitch y'all just heard the fucking story i'm not like wrapping it up but um that's so awesome i need to go now i really need to go but you should i'm glad we didn't go together because i if i saw you cracking up i think i would have started laughing and she literally would have kicked us out of her i know it was crazy. And seeing her, it was funny because- Do you think it'll be too suppicious if I go this day or tomorrow? No, you should go. You should definitely. It would not be suppicious at all.

Did you look at her Yelp? Did she have good reviews? No, I just called the sign because I felt like a calling from beyond. Okay, me when I see an ad and I feel a calling, like no. I said that to her and she was like how did you find out about us and i was like the big sign the biggest sign on a front yard on a really busy main i want to see if you can hear her tone change yeah i buy that he's a good person i'd weigh the process um i don't want to talk i i do want to thank you no problem my dear

if you have any further questions please let me know okay yeah i don't have any other questions okay sounds good um so bring back your friends bring them up whoever you can you know what i mean whoever wants to be able to get a reading done yeah you can't really tell but um she got fucking pissed and she like stopped talking and so it was like me trying to fill the void like the awkwardness and like i was like damn she's good at like because i was almost like sure i'll just fucking do it just to like make her like me but like no i was like i'm not not doing all that well i'm glad i didn't go see like you think you have good intuition but i have good intuition i was like i just don't think that's for me but you should go yeah i mean the one reading honestly it was real about going it like it she did like the one time i got one

was at a random ass like milk makeup event in 2019 and she read my cards and i'm not kidding everything she said that was going to happen fully happened like and then the other time that happened was when we were all obsessed with the pattern app in like early 2019 and everything that it was or late 2018 or something and everything that it was saying was happening was fully happening but also i'm a crazy person you can't tell me things because then i just make them happy no literally it's gonna happen anyway i might as well make it happen um well after drew had that he had a really scary experience again i don't even know you're this is literally just the drew episode i just want to let you know i made it to my destination of hell. As you can hear in the background, the eternal screams of the damned. I'm actually going back to heaven now.

Well, God, uh, God pardoned me, I guess. Oh, this is Lynn. All right, well, I'll send you an audio message from heaven. I guess I already am, but you know what i mean afterward after i get settled in and meet everybody there's jesus i made to my destination hell as you can hear the eternal screams of the damned what's crazy is the reason i sent that audio message was because the i sent an audio message from bed to inya like right before that and i had a bat i sent it from my laptop and i had a basketball video playing in the background

and it literally sounded like i was at a basketball game like the fuck did you go to a game so i unlocked a new i unlocked a new bit basically um And it's to play a YouTube video in the background with some sound effects and then voice memo record off your laptop and it plays through the audio message. Like it keeps it perfectly balanced. Yeah, exactly. The Valium.

The Valium. I need a Valium. No, you don't. Yeah, no. The evil around you is all the people trying to help you avoid things like this. That's why she's like, they're evil, don't listen to them, around you is all the people trying to help you avoid things like this that's why she's like they're evil don't listen to them i forgot about this she was like um are you taking any medication right now and i was like no and she was like good

like you will become a pill popper if you take antidepressant medication that's something i didn't record and she went on this long tangent about how people that take like depression medication are pill poppers and it's evil and sinister and I was like holy fuck she's crazy like she literally like if I was someone who like actually was like mentally unwell

and like went there and decided to stop you said if you were somebody who was mentally unwell. No, you gotta put your foot on the... Oh, fuck! put on the fuck me oh the pictures of my jeans you're serving a gender reveal right now

oh yeah drew in his sticky jeans bro something is wrong with drew's legs because any i used to think it was just his other pants but these pants make his legs look funky too i'll insert it oh my god um but yeah we went to texas for drew's sister's wedding i was a fucking hit everybody was obsessed with me everybody was so sad when they literally were they were like why doesn't she stay another day like she can just stay another day yeah i'm wanted you're lucky that you're loved and wanted because it doesn't feel like i am by my own family i am like the black sheep i like go in and everybody's like who is he he changed

and then they make me sleep outside no literally they made me sleep outside in the rain but it was like funny I like rain but I don't like sleeping in it but it was like a bit they just like locked me out with the dogs yeah put me in a cage I don't think that's like a bit they might actually really not like you

you're only 16 you could call CPS still there's still time it's a bit it's like the bit that we do our spank you yeah yeah you've been silent the whole episode and those are the first words you've said i hope you sit like rest in that yeah rest wait what is it rest no what were you fucking saying oh we killed a million frogs by accident sister's wedding there was a huge thunderstorm and we were all walking around in the grass and then all of us started to look down and there was a million tiny tiny frogs jumping around it was like a frog like

a super bloom like i mean we're not exaggerating there was thousands if not hundreds of thousands of little baby frogs this big and like it was actually so fucking cute for a wedding to have those little toads like hopping around and like like didn't like the princess kiss the frog or something and it became a toad or some shit like that like didn't the princess kiss the frog like you know what i'm talking about like it was like a cute fucking vibe in the frog yeah yeah it was like a cute fucking vibe and like um until we realized that we were mashing all the kids were running around we were like oh look at them and then we were looking at the grass and they were picking

up frogs at one point and then they started running around and we were like oh that's so cute and then we started looking down at the floor and you could see a million frogs like jumping around but they were jumping around trying to get to running away while kids were running through just like killing their loved ones their brothers and sisters i don't think frogs have the capacity to know like relations no they don't but the wedding was super fucking cute congratulations to my sister and her now husband um i'm glad everybody was able to make it and i'm so fucking proud of you also um two things that I made fun of on the podcast in like the same episode. Hit you in the ass.

I made fun of paragliding. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah, whatever. The fucking big fan. The fucking big fan. I made fun of that. One of Drew's family members fully does that. And then I made fun of men crying.

And there was beef. There was like tension. Yeah, there was tension. And then there was obviously at the wedding, his sister's husband was like sobbing. there was like yeah there was tension and then there was um obviously at the wedding his sister's husband was like sobbing he was like so happy but it felt sweeter in person but i felt so uncomfortable because i was like i made fun of these things back to back on an episode literally last week and i'm sitting here in a room of two men committing the sins that i damned um with that yeah committing the Sims that I damned.

Cause you're like Satan. Cause you're evil. You're a witch. Bruja. Brujaria. Anyway. Abuelita. Shut the fuck up.

My Abuelita is a bruja. Abuelita. Abuelita. Abuelita. Um, but yeah, it was a fucking vibe. We made slime and it was so fucking awesome.

Oh yeah, we did floor slime. It was fucking cute. Um, what yeah, it was a fucking vibe. We made slime and it was so fucking awesome. Yeah, we did floor slime. It was fucking cute. Um, what else happened? Um, at the, our trip, cause then you came to me, um, came with me to Texas. My fucking family loves you, bro. Like they literally like, dude, it's so funny. Like they all genuinely think like my extended family that like, don't like i have a relationship but it's not as close as like my close family but all of them genuinely believe that me and nia are gonna

end up together and i'm like babe babe babe babe his grandma like was like say also his grandma was touching up on me yeah talk about that she was just doing like the older woman thing where she's like being like kind and like like her love language was touch but i was wearing this dress that had a big slit in it and she kept touching my thigh period i did too i would have when and i was just cracking up in my head because i'm just like sitting there and she kept calling everybody to introduce me to everybody but i've met your whole extended family already so she would be like come here like you need to meet anya she's the best and then they'd be like i know anya and then i'd be like yeah i know them and then they she'd be like oh okay and then kind of like bat them away and then see who else she can like call over to talk

about me and then she introduced me to somebody i didn't know and then she was like oh like how do you know the family and then she cut it and she was like this is drew's better half. And then me and Drew later on, we were like, girl. Sorry, grandma. Sorry, grandma. Sorry, gim-gims. Gam, gam, gam. But it's not too far for them to think we'd get married because we've talked about that before. So it's not that crazy.

But it is so interesting to think of like older generations. I guess even some people our age, like we just live in a bubble where we don't find marriage and romantic relationships to be like the epitome of human connection and for a lot of people that's still like top tier and the thing to see like be sought after yeah but what was cracking me up is i was like it's so weird to think that like for some people there is like a sliver of like invalidness to our relationship because we don't fuck. Like that's literally all that's missing is like just because we don't hook up anymore. I was going to say also like that's just a facade we keep up to the public that we don't do that. But like we keep our sex lives private.

Yeah. And we don't do that anymore. We keep our sex life private and our private parts to each other that's fucking suck bro i was actually thinking the other day i was like damn our podcast would be 10 times more interesting if we were people who were like dating around and being foolish and like also spoke about those things publicly because there was like no personal life aspect to this podcast which i enjoy and i think for the most part people like but i was listening to someone else's podcast i was like damn they are like

going in about their fucking dating life like y'all are like about it um but you literally couldn't put a gun to my head and make me say anything about my personal life i actually think i would explode i'd much rather talk about shit and poop yeah no literally sorry i was like lost in thought like thinking about like trisha payday i'm not kidding Sorry, I was like lost in thought, like thinking about like Trisha Paytas. I'm not kidding. Like literally, I was like, damn, like, she loves us. We're her favorite couples podcast. Yeah. But okay. So also another thing that happened in the last episode is I started talking about basketball. And people were genuinely shocked that I had ball knowledge that I'm not sure that you know things about balls that's like to me that's the first thing i would think i'm like drew balls yeah okay um anyways um so anyways uh no but i know a lot about basketball it's something i keep to myself um because no one wants to hear me fucking talk about basketball. I love it when you talk about basketball.

Okay, good. I was waiting for that. Should I talk about it? That's my answer. So, no. No, so Caitlin Clark, yes um she's the girl and i hate to see um all the other w i don't mind you talking about women's basketball that to me for some reason is less annoying and i love angel and i love that she's taking on the villain role and publicly saying she's fine with it. Damn, it is only basketball related.

This is insane. So this is Jalen Brun uh jaylen brunson brunson and josh hart's podcast and this feels like when i would ever sit in like a french class and my teacher really wanted me to learn something when for some reason it just would like bounce off of the like membranes surrounding membrane like it just doesn't like it won't it can't it will never and you know what's crazy is um i would go to a game because i would get a beer and stuff let's go that sounds fun like getting all cute and like going to a game such a pretty nose but thank you i literally like just saw it for the first time um but yeah that sounds fun but then that sounds fun in theory and then actually having to sit through a game because

aren't they like three hours long that's like baseball they're not too long like because isn't there like intermissions and stuff um like we'd be in the stadium for three hours yeah there's like halftime no but you go to the bathroom at halftime you get like your beer at halftime your second beer and you like just vibe out and chat we're talking about basketball yeah dude when we went i don't even fuck with sports but when we went i was like this is kind of sick like you get it like once you go basketball is like every 20 seconds they're playing like edm like whenever something's not happening like people come out and dance for you and shit like it's like the tiktok it's not a dull moment like they're playing subway surfers for you to keep you like tuned in you know what's really fucking sad is we had luka donchik and jalen brunson but we did not utilize jalen brunson

right we traded him to the fucking mix and he did it became a fucking super star and now he's like gonna be an all-star like he's gonna he's cooking wait don't fall because you're gonna cut your hand um all right i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done that was crazy wait should i go into stand-up do you have more stand-up how the fuck do you have more things to say girl i got a lot of stand-up my notes suck people keep tagging me and people who get beat up by horses now since i mentioned it so all of my like tags on tiktok are literally like people getting beat up by those royal horses and i actually don't understand the obsession with the royal guards and the horses like someone explain it yeah someone like in the comments like just let me know what the fuck

is up like what is it is it like the? It's the horse girl couture. It's coming back. I swear. No, but it's like they got those big funky March Simpson hats. Like, I don't understand why that's the vibe. Like, we need like a like a renaissance era of those fits. Or like a coquette. Like, imagine a coquette. A coquette royal guard.

But those horses. First of all, those horses are being abused because they have to just stand in a fucking dingy cave all day and like let humans come up to it. But like you saw the one that escaped and like cut it. Yes. Like they literally get attacked. But like I need to find some of the ones that I've been tagged in. Oh, I think I've been saving them because I get tagged in them so much now. You don't want to be saved.

Don't save. Also, why do you go humiliating so humiliating it bitch if I got hit in the head by a horse I would actually end my life like why go like like that's mean this lady's really cute. Oh She did not deserve also the horses like must be able to sense energy and vibes because it doesn't bite everybody like it is sad falling to the fucking ground like i am sorry like it's really crazy every single person trips yeah everybody gets knocked over because like a horse is so goddamn strong but people keep going to take the pictures like i just want to understand the value of the picture

because it's not like i don't know also the other thing i wrote down is it's crazy how much like homophobia in the world is as it like you are the main perpetuator but it's crazy how much like homophobia there is in the world where they are like when they are the most perpetuator but it's crazy how much like homophobia there is in the world where they are like when they are the most accepting people ever no straight crowd would ever sing and cheer like that for jojo siwa no like the love given to jojo siwa like is so sweet and it's so awesome and like at the shows and whatever even if it's for like a goof and a gag and it's like funny but like genuinely wait i want to know exactly the way i wrote it down i was really high when i was having this thought too like i thought i was like unlocking something fuck the mystery

gay people are so nice like at the end of the day a crowd of gay people singing and cheering for jojo siwa is true connection no literally like that is literally like the meaning of true connection i don't know why you could even hate their kind like those people even for a second i mean i know i couldn't either but i'm like yeah i just think it's interesting how anya's critiquing homophobia when she just broke a bottle over a gay passing man's head exactly a culturally gay man a culturally yeah that's where the confusion is he's culturally oh wait i was i was unlocking the keys to the fucking universe yesterday la is full of straight gay men no no no gay straight men yeah yeah la is full of gay straight men and i am just straight

that's not what you said in the car no we literally having the funniest conversation because i was saying how like what oh i was saying it's so interesting the way like mega straight girls talk about like like coochie like it really is so jarring to me like this whole like narrative that is based in misandry or not misandry that's based in misogyny and like just like this weird patriarchal ideology around like women's private parts and just is like oh it's so stinky ew fucking fishy nasty like whatever which is like funny to like just like troll about and like know that it's not serious but there are girls out there who are literally like i could never eat someone out

that is fucking disgusting like the way like dude neither could i wait okay that's not that's not i got the whole squad laughing with that one um but like the the like the actual like way people talk about it actually freaks me out because i'm like first of all we got to get down to what's up with your cooter bronson because that shit must be weak nation the way you think everyone else is like i actually don't understand it um and then we were having that conversation we were laughing about it and then i was like i act like i don't talk about men like that so yeah i was like girl you talk about penises the exact same way they're barbaric she's just never seen mine oh that's literally not true that is literally not true um no i was thinking

about that too and i was like it is interesting though like guys can like look at a penis and respect it like straight guys yeah no yeah exactly yeah some wieners go crazy okay did you guys see the uh video of your mama getting banged by drew phillips oh i did oh my god it was number one no the video of the girl one oh my god so it was number one trending no she it was a girl who showed her class the podcast no here i'll send it to you oh that's so scary watch this and i know everybody's like people in the comments were like i'm embarrassed for you like i'm freaking out watching this video no oh for you like i'm freaking out watching this video no oh oh god i did see this i did see this and then she did a follow-up where she asked everybody and everybody was like i don't fucking know that

shit was weird like i didn't i really didn't like that which freaks me out because i don't feel like we're that crazy no we're horrible like i don't think we're that like great oh i'm crazy like what like i'm not that crazy no there was a girl at the end that was like a fan huh yeah i think she had merch or something oh it's the girl who showed the video she was like i don't care what they say like i still like it like it literally felt like a piece to cam like everybody being like i didn't like that i didn't like that and then she was like everyone here is crazy that shit is good as fuck it's funny as fuck but all of our friends are like and listen listen listen listen if you have one what did lady gaga say if there's one person in the room that believes in you there could be 99 people who don't believe in you.

But if the one person believes in you, you will go far. Exactly, exactly. So that's the mentality I have from that. All right, going into stand up. Are you all ready? I open with a banger. Homophobic vinyls be like let me set the record straight wait what because the record like a vinyl record player

they say curiosity killed the cat well who the fuck is curiosity and why don't they like cats yeah i don't like that one where do you go to get an almost 20 year old illiterate wedding ring the net oh the my name's jared i'm 19 and i never learned how to read diamond store that's the closest we're gonna get to having josh on the podcast you know jared like the diamond store jared oh okay yeah chipotle more like shit poltley they have been skimping on the topics lately or toppings lately huh i'd be like don't be shy put some more and then i go into your mama jokes okay let's hear them texas is the biggest state but kai's mama couldn't fit inside

i was gonna make slime but i grabbed your mama's underwear instead oh this one this one's super heady this one's like you gotta think about this one for a second let it set after i say it fuck i'm so bad with directions and i hate when i'm right alone i get so lost in my thoughts wait wait wait wait wait like repeat that i don't understand i'm so bad with directions and i hate when i'm right alone i get so lost in my thoughts dude that one's barely a joke no no left and right like no i i okay when i'm left alone when i'm right what time of day did you write that uh like on the way to the airport so it was like one that doesn't seem like something that should have came out of your head like i was cooking in the back seat of my dad's truck crocs are so funny because they are shoes but they sound like crocodiles plus they bite your

feet blisters okay no you're i don't know if you're gonna be allowed to do this next week you're like really going down a scary path in you more like get in my belly i'm so hungry i could eat you up kai more like ky jelly i want to buttfuck you. Okay. I don't think I've heard the term buttfuck in so long. When I was writing it down, I was like, this is a banger. Like 100%. Happy Pride, y'all. And that's the end.

Actually, I have three more, but I was like, wait, I'm going to read the audience. And that's the end. Actually I have three more but I was like wait I'm gonna read the audience and that's a good banger to end on. Yeah. So I'm copying the ones that I have written down that I didn't read. That was good. And you should try.

To embarrass myself? That's a lot harder for me to do. It's like rejection therapy. I get rejection therapy all the time because nobody gives me enough attention. True. True. Oh, this sucks.

This psyop. Jaren, I'm sorry. Evil Dr. Seuss be like one fish two fish dead fish blood fish you sold you sold you sold bro okay i'm not that's the one psyop y'all get because i killed my favorite uh meme right now is how the fuck you hate subway bitch you made the sandwich i love that meme so fucking much should we do media yeah you want to start um well i've been really scared recently because i've realized my family has no video or photo documentation of us before the age of like 14 15 so i actually think i might have been kidnapped and put into this family because every time i'm like hey do you have photos of you when you were younger me

when I was younger like our grandma when they were younger like whatever whatever everybody says no and I'm like okay I know y'all didn't have your bread up something serious but this is fucking fishy like why is there actually I asked my grandma if she had a picture of her when she was like 27 by that

time girl you had to have been near a fucking camera or something and she was like nope and I was like 27 by that time girl you had to have been near a fucking camera or something and she was like no and i was like do you have what like okay when's the first time you were getting pictures she was like probably when you were born and i was like girl that is funky uncle what the fuck how are there no fucking pictures and i can't stand you bitches with hella documentation to look back at because i am a narcissist. And like the best part about documentation is that I could look at myself. There's no fucking pictures to look at. My dad literally threw away all of the documentation of us when we were younger and all my Pokemon cards.

What did you do to him? Oh, exactly. He has a sleep apnea machine and I farted into the air intake every night for like five years remember how much you used to hate farts they used to make drew so fucking mad it was fucked up like it was so annoying like if you farted around him he'd literally be like seriously like did you actually just do that i didn't come from like a farting family so like they were gross to me but then i farted once in front of everybody and i got over it you're so brave i love that we make you feel comfortable enough to fart i'm a soldier no thank you guys for that now it's like my go-to bed i'll be like wait it's so quiet or wait what

does that sound what is that it's like such a dad joke to be committing to but like drew will just be in his room for like five hours straight ignoring me and josie and then come into the room be like wait fuck i forgot what i was gonna say why did i come in here and then just fart and turn around and run away go back and rot in my cellar under the crib. All right, well shit. Media, media, media, media, media, media, media. Sorry if I was quiet this episode guys. Drew started out by concussing me so. Yeah and then I got concussed.

I mean dramatic, it's a little bit dramatic all right um my media of the week is fuck dude i really have been listening to the same songs like uh why should i love you by kate bush why should i be sad burt kate's bush um you wouldn't know anything about that sis i know a lot about oh something that's been cracking me up recently is the dramatics of when a white person can dance and the reaction it gets literally has always cracked me up but recently it's been making me laugh so fucking hard because something about a white person like dancing with all their might is really fucking funny like and i like i understand historically why white people are so bad at dancing but like it is crazy the like i'm not bad at dancing dance okay wait i'm not doing this i'm not fucking doing this i don't have to prove myself to anybody um but i don't know the reactions to it are so

amazing it's like the equivalent when a baby speaks its first word when a white person just suddenly shows the world that they can dance everybody's mind is like oh my god good job i'm so proud of you that's amazing i look you want to try lithium i feel like you'd do good on it yeah i think you'd do good on lithium yeah i. Kai, wouldn't you do good on lithium? Yeah, I think you would do really well. Y'all are saying that to offend me, but I actually genuinely think it would be really good. No, I'm being dead serious. So you think I'm fucking crazy? Yes.

Also, really quick, guys, we've seen the comments. We've seen people begging for a Kai cam. And everyone at the studio respects me, so they're going to set me up with a really nice camera. Yeah, be excited, y'all. It's coming soon. Yeah. It's been a long time coming. Who said they respect you?

Just the whole team. They all were like, oh. I didn't hear that. When did they? Your body's great. We respect you. Oh, no. They didn't.

Wait. Kai's body is T right now, y'all. He has abs. When I got here, they were like, oh, we want to show you a picture. And then they were like, wait, we can't. We can't. When I walked away, they were like, wow, you look so good and they were standing over kai's phone and i was like y'all are literally gay like y'all are literally all in a corner like showing off

your body not that there's anything bad with it like it's not wrong i want to clarify i'm not homophobic i just don't like drew me and drew there was a period where we were just sending there's a period where me and drew were just sending each other but boy there was a period where me and Drew were just sending each other progress pictures yeah back and forth and I have them in my folder hidden

my product but it was not Kai's yeah we have a shared album yeah yeah okay my media is a lady gaga in my room

Langley kids choir snow queen of Texas the mamas and the papas and then I finally saw bottoms and it was worth the wait and worth the hype but i watched it on my iphone screen on the airplane like this um bitch i didn't even fucking talk about the people next to me on the fucking plane bro no i'll talk about it next week bro like remind me but yeah drew was too busy fucking running his

goddamn fucking mouth this whole episode i didn't get a god you're mad you're mad you're mad um oh i did watch anatomy of a fall and i really liked it and i watched children of a lesser god which i liked the lead actress not only am i one in love with her two she did such a good job three it is just like a classic old movie where the guy is like kind of fucking annoying like oh any movie with like a male love interest before the year of like 2017 is fucking like the turing test kai what's the test the turing test no it's not the turing the The Turing test? It's not the Turing test. Oh, the Bechdel test? Bechdel test.

The rectal test. Like, there are certain movies. It's just very, like, Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Like, she's so, like, lost and I can fix her. But she ate down and she is, like, so pretty. It's her Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney's Beaver.

What's her name? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm not going to remember her name. She's from fucking what's it called? Boys Don't Cry.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, guys. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The Frank Ocean Magazine. Shut the fuck up.

I look up Boyd's. Boyd's don't cry. Fucking what's her name? Hilary Swank. More like Hilary Skank. Okay. Bye guys. Bye guys. Outro Music