Emergency Intercom - scared straight (Drews story)

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

In this episode we talk about how the middle class is disappearing, the surveillance state dystopia we may or may not live in and spraying twinks with hoses... Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, of Emergency Intercom. Guys, I'm so happy. I'm so happy to finally be back home.

Home, sweet home. I'm coming home. I'm coming home. Maybe when I'm coming all over your bed. I'm coming on the home. Tell the world that I'm coming home. You know how some people have a plastic layer? Okay, Kai's blowing O's with the puff bar I gave him back there.

We also have a live audience through the windows of our house. You know how some people have like a plastic wrap over their sofa to keep it protected? I've done that with semen and cum and spit. Ew. So there's a protective like card like if you go touch our sofa it's like this sound that's what i did to your pillow too yeah i know and but it's i'm happy because i can chip it off at night instead of biting my my fingers do not let me sit on your leather couch if it is peeling because i will peel that more do not let me do that

it's like a face mask like you know the american psycho face mask um okay well i have a question i saw little yadi asked this question and i was like oh this is a good question for y'all if you have one week left to live what would you do or say to the world that you've always wanted to do or say um i'm so quick at the mouth publicly i don't know that i i think it's a problem that there's too much i have said already so i think i would do the opposite and i would revert to silence i would say um there's seven hours left there and then like start a countdown in their head and then like everyone's freaking the fuck out and calling their loved ones and telling i love you so fucking much i love you like we're all gonna die like what's gonna happen is there an afterlife everyone's

freaking the fuck out and then the clock hits seven and it's just like bruh bruh bruh sound effect and that's it across the world how would you even get that like i'm omnipresent okay so in this hypothetical you have the power to do anything yeah i think uh mine is i would like count down to my death like i'm releasing a brand so i'd be like so excited to like share this with you guys next week it's gonna be big and like get a bunch of like graphics and stuff done as if i'm like releasing a brand and then on the day that i die it's just a raw photo of me in an open casket so i can hurt everybody open caskets are so unnatural. I don't know why we do that.

That is, like, the weirdest thing ever. I know. Like, the last fucking images I have of my loved ones are them with, like, the worst full beat I've ever seen. Like, it's, like, cakey as fucking, like, flaking and pale. It's, like, literally how Josiah looks on his side TikTok account. It's how I've seen my loved ones. Like, it's not chill.

Like, literally my brother had, like like an iconic birthmark under his eye and they fucking covered it up like they made it like pale and nasty and i was just like oh my god like if you're gonna beat like if you're gonna be a morgue beater like you have to beat down yeah you need to like be going to is that is that what they call that yeah a morgue beater yeah a body beater that's what they call a body beater. That's what they call them. A body beater? Yeah. That's what they call me when I hit it. That's what they call Drew. When I'm hitting it.

I don't think that's a good thing. Oh, because you beat it up. Alright, who's going to give me back shots? No, like, deadass, who in this room is going to give me back shots? Who's it going to be? It's going to be me. Or maybe it's me. Me and Kai? Me. Who's it gonna be? Who's doing it? It's gonna be me. Who's doing it?

Or maybe it's me. Me and Kai can tussle for it. Tussle and wrestle. We could go back to back for hours. We'll get oiled up and tussle around, and then you can pick whoever. Drew, we could low-key go back to back for hours on you. I know, yeah.

We could just toss you back and forth. Back to black by... Till it burns. What's her name? Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse. Okay. Okay, um. Till it burns. What's her name? Uh, Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse. Um, okay. Right.

Okay, cool. Good, good opener. Anyways. Anyways. And then I would say, for my last words, I would be like, um, fuck, what's, like, something hilarious I could say right now to just, like, win the crowd over? You wish you could fart on everybody. Yeah.

Yeah. That sounds like something you would say. Honestly, under pressure, I'd probably say something like crazy. I can't think of it right now, but I would probably say something crazy. I would say something overly emotional so that when I die, there's like gorgeous edits of me on TikTok. No. The first one that came to my mind is like that one joke on Twitter where it's like if I, like, like, the last thing I would do is I would hack, like, your favorite K-pop stan's Twitter and tweet some, like, really insane, blasphemous shit and just, like, ruin

their career and log off forever. That's the last thing I would do. That's, like, I would do a TED Talk, probably. Something positive for the world. Yeah, I would say something hella positive, too, Drew. Yeah. Me and Enya would say something really positive and just like. You're just like a negative Nancy over there.

Leave on a good note. Yeah. I'm seeing you as a human right now. You're going to die. The lighting in here is too clear and I'm looking at you like you're a person. You're gorgeous. When I get too high, I see through people and i see them for who they really are and i like psychoanalyze them until like they're the like reason why they act

the way they do like as far as like childhood and i can like see the facade that they've built and like break it down piece by piece and i'm like oh like the reason you act this way is because this happened to you like and like that's the way you are and it freaks me the out also i can just see through the facade of television and like netflix in general it's like created by like illuminati aliens to keep us like stupid like i'm one of the only people who could tell that the stuff on netflix isn't real yeah no like dead ass like dead ass i feel like i'm the only one like i get i'm the only one who could tell this is like made for like childish like human like entertainment yeah it's like that's why i only watch it's to keep us

dumb it's to keep us dumb south park is to keep me intelligent um but anyways so i didn't tell you about this but after the first day of the pop-up, like, I think it was, like, the Monday after, me and Josiah really, really wanted to, like, go get massages. That's sexy. We, like, looked at a bunch of places, and we were just like, we don't want to, like, travel that far. Like, we don't, like, want to do all that. So we just went to the one really, really close to the house

that's, like, a five five minute walk away basically um and like we get there and i'm like oh this place is like insane like there was like a giant like construction like truck out front and i was like are they even open and like we had to walk through like 20 construction worship yeah we had to like walk through like 20 construction workers and all this shit and i was like damn this is like i like it's it was around noon so i was like oh they're probably on their lunch break anyways so like we go in we book an appointment we pay before which i've never done before and right after we pay they're like oh there's like no refunds but also they're doing construction upstairs and i was like oh word like that's not that deep like construction isn't that crazy like it's not yeah it's like i've heard

construction it can't be that bad oh my fucking god dude it was insane it literally felt like they were like kept fucking throwing grenades upstairs and like they were like ripping down walls and like every once in a while they would get above my room where i was getting my massage and just drop like a hammer and like a cinder block and like you would see like dust fall from the roof and like hit me in my eyes and i was like oh my god like the roof is gonna collapse and like i was just like dying laughing the entire time and like the masseuse yeah that was like a massage to practice your focus on good feelings instead of anxiety that's why they were doing it like imagine you like lying down getting a massage

and there's like cracks for me no that's literally like what it fucking felt like like you could see the roof like bow and shake like they would it was like i i really cannot iterate to you how loud it really actually was like it i'm trying to like give an example but like i don't know like upstairs neighbor activity is like dead fucking serious like it was crazy and like it was also like before i was like i want a deep tissue massage because i want to be bruised battered and bleeding when i leave the masseuse like i want to like literally be you want to live out yeah like i want to i want it to fucking hurt down and it felt like she was fucking petting me like a cat Like it was like not the vibe at all

Like I was like and I kept telling her I was like, can you like go a little harder? Cuz I finally every time I'm in a massage I'm like always too scared to speak up cuz I'm like I'm not gonna tell this like poor woman or man to do like their Fucking job. They know what they're doing this time. i was like finally like i'm gonna be a brave boy and ask for the service i asked for and she literally ignored me three fucking times like she acted like i did not fucking exist at all it was like insane and like i was also just like laughing and like the only word she said was like oh too hard and i was like no not at all and i was like i'm laughing because the roof is about to cave in and she just like got silent and i was just like damn okay so you know what i did is i stole the yoga pants from them oh my god yeah no i actually

didn't do that i wish i did they're like these cute little rainbow shorts and i wish i just oh you would want to steal some rainbow shorts. That makes sense. Hello? Damn, only 10 minutes before the first walkout. Oh, my God. He's hitting himself. Oh, God. He's smacking himself in the head, guys.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? Do you need a second? Shut the fuck up. Oh my God. What the fuck? I'm good. Let's keep rolling.

Keep rolling. Sounds like somebody needs another massage because you're freaking out. Ah! I was watching through old episodes of Field Trip because I was like, we need to start doing something like that again. Like, it's so funny.

And it was like so much of it like landed. Like I was watching through one of the episodes yesterday. And you said the Druth back then. Yeah, that was the band name. Yeah. That's so crazy. Like, I didn't remember that that's where that originated. The Druth will set you free, but first it'll piss you off.

But first it'll piss you off but first it'll piss you off yeah the truth has been around for so long it's crazy i mean like what people don't realize is i found like a silver like a group of silver tablets like kind of explaining the like um following of the druce and like people oh that's like normal that's in our backyard buried by a bush and people are like oh that's like like mormonism like whatever no like it was silver tablets dumbass so like yeah the mormon tablets gold yeah basically like long story short, like, we all have to jump into a volcano. Oh. To set ourselves free from Samsara.

Who's Samsara? Oh, Samsara is the devil. No, no, no. Wait, who's Samsara? I think it's, like, reincarnation. Oh, okay. Like, the, like, world of reincarnation. But that could have been the most ignorant shit I've ever said. I'm looking up Scientology right now, and this seems, like, really similar.

Oh, I'm looking up and down your mom, and like I want to bang her. Yeah, and she's going to get banged. If Drew says he's going to bang, he's going to bang. Yeah, he probably will. And she's going to love it. Yeah, she'll probably love it. Oh, love it, love it, love it, love it.

Love it now, baby. Oh my God, guys, it's Black Friday. Congrats to anybody watching this on Black Friday. Oh my God, how exciting. How exciting. When are you going to get? Dude, Walmart isn it's Black Friday. Congrats to anybody watching this on Black Friday. Oh my God, how exciting. How exciting. When are you going to get? Dude, Walmart isn't doing Black Friday this year. Black Friday is the craziest vibe ever.

I know. It is so crazy. It's like that one, what was that one beach? Like Normandy Beach, like Doomsday, where they like. Old Beach? No, they put like a bunch of like soldiers on that beach and like all of them died. That's what Black Friday is. Are you saying that?

All I can think about is Trisha Paytas on the beach. That's literally what she was referencing. Like literally that being your like culture references. That's my historical references. Trisha Paytas creating that. But that's it, right? Yeah. So she's teaching.

No, she spilled. She spilled. But but yeah they're not doing black friday at walmart this year which i feel like is like literally a sign of the end like yeah it's really bizarre why the fuck can't black friday happen at walmart like that's where it should be happening that's like the only place it should happen and like a lot of like 24 hour stores since the pandemic have not been 24 hours and like a lot of like 24 hour stores since the pandemic have not been 24 hours. And like a lot of you bitches have not experienced a Walmart run at 3 a.m. And how fucking horrifying that is. And like how like it is the pinnacle of people watching.

Or like 24 hour CVS. Yeah. I feel like there's some CVSs that are still 24 hours. Or 24 hour challenge. Yeah. I feel like there's some CBS's that are still 24 hours. Or a 24 hour challenge in an Amazon factory. Brent Rivera YouTube video. Is that like a video he did? No, but he's been like. Trying to bring it back.

I don't fucking know what his vibe is. Like his videos scare me more than Mr. Beast do. Like he's like has like money and like does really big videos and it freaks me the fuck out and also I swear to god him and his sister are making out like constantly they're creepy as fuck bro like I mean you can't even judge that because we're like second cousins and we do it so it's like don't it's a little different okay it's a little different yeah it is legally different like very different yeah could you get like arrested for just making out with a family member i don't know like isn't divorce illegal

or some shit like infidelity like bitch like no one goes to jail for infidelity like or cheating or whatever except for you yeah you're gonna be met with papers because i'm tired of being cheated on by you like i have to do something and you knew i was a slut and a whore before you started banging me but you said you would change for me and i like i guess i was just stupid was it in writing no okay okay if anything i tried to get it in our prenup that if you cheated we want prenup we want prenup pren We want prenup. Prenups don't even work. I know, literally. If I started seeing somebody who was a fucking gazillionaire and my whole lifestyle changed and they had me sign a prenup,

I can still get a divorce and then be like, this is unfair and will be traumatic for me to go back to my life and I can still get money out of that. Did you know that? Yeah, you can still fully get money. How about that shit protected you? No, because you don't need protection. So, like, you shouldn't even be thinking about being protected.

As someone who will be incredibly rich. Oh, you said you thought it protected me. Yeah, you. Like, someone like me needs protection. Yeah, someone with millions and millions of dollars. So much money. Someone with billions of dollars. It's crazy that, like, I used to be like, oh, my God, like, hoarding wealth is bad.

But, like, now I fuck with it. Now I get it. What, billions? Yeah, I mean, the podcast is, like, estimated to be worth, my god like hoarding wealth is bad but like now i with it now i get it what billions yeah i mean the podcast is like estimated to be worth like 10.7 billion right now yeah it's actually crazy no we need to bring back wealth hoarding yeah we need to bring it back yeah we really do like enough enough judging for it like it's fine yeah i feel like the one percent hasn't sequestered enough money yeah that's what. That's what I was thinking recently. I'm like, oh my God, they're seeming a little cheap right now. You know the statistic? It's like since the pandemic, 50% of the wealth has been sequestered to the 1%.

It should be 100%. That's what I'm thinking. They worked hard. All right, so right now there's technically lower and a false middle class and then the upper class. It should literally just be upper class and like no lower class like people should just be bottoms yeah yeah bottoms everywhere like like uh divide the wealth or i want it to all like i just want jeff bezos to have all the money yeah

and i want him to like get on a spaceship and then just what are we supposed to do then if that happens guys wait till you realize that money isn't real um and that it's like every time we make a transaction we're coding this simulation and you can change this simulation by not using money it's like binary ones and zeros every transaction you make you're coding this simulation i saw drew he was looking at an incense like smoke coming from it and he was just like controlling it with his mind and then I kid you not his bank account was open and the numbers were just going up. Yeah. What the hell?

Can you do that for mine? Hell no. Oh okay. You don't believe in like shit? You need a moon water quartz necklace. To make my money go up? Yeah it brings like abundance. What does that look like? It's a moon water quartz necklace, babe. I guess only somebody with as much wealth as you would know what it looks like.

Exactly. Is it an expensive like rock? No, don't call it a fucking rock. And yeah, no. It's a mineral. It's a mineral. It's a crystal or a mineral. That's literally a rock.

I can't believe that like Drew, what Drew spends his money on will like always astonish me i was like gone for a week for work and i came back and drew was like yeah i can't work out yet because of my facial and i was like kind of confused because when i came back he had a bunch of like korean face masks and i was like which one of these told him he couldn't get like get sweaty and then we were like going into the gym uh to shower because our fucking house is falling apart and we don't have warm water and we paid our bills but actually the pipes are literally all fucking busted and we only have freezing cold water in the house right now so we have to go to the gym still fucked up dude yes even worse bill and it was like lukewarm and we were like

oh this is weird we had someone come try to fix it and then it was like a little warmer we were like fuck i guess we're just never gonna have as hot of water as we used to have but now no hot water like none like i watch them and they're like no literally both plumbers that came we have a third one coming tomorrow we're like i have literally never seen anything like this in my life like i don't know why this is happening right now it's literally because that apartment wants us out i know you've been here for five years it's like you need to go it's been five years yeah in may it's five years you guys's like, you need to go. it's been five years? Yeah. In May, it's five years. You guys ran through that apartment.

Like, literally. I love that apartment. I need out. No, it is really nice. Last night, I was actually looking around

and I was like, there's really beautiful like ornamental trim. Yeah. But I feel like it's kind of rare. Yeah, it is.

Because like, even if you look at the other apartments in the complex, like, when people would move out, we would go look at them because we were like,

I'm so curious what our neighbor's houses look like. And they ripped all that out. Like, they tried to make their apartments in the complex, like when people would move out, we would go look at them. Cause we were like, I'm so curious what our neighbors houses look like. And they ripped all that out. Like they tried to make all of them like modern. I love though when people like a developer in LA will have like this beautiful old interior and then we'll just gut it and put like a gray. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm actually such a big, yes. I'm so such a big... Gray plastic floors? Yes. I'm such a proponent for killing history and just forgetting about history. You should be able to go into a home and be like, oh my God, so many lives have been lived here. It's so beautiful and gorgeous and well kept. I'm going to tear it down and put a fake marble slab on this island that will get stained

by everything that touches it. Yeah, I want to walk into my house and immediately go insane. Yeah, I want to feel like I'm going into an Airbnb every time I go home. That's kind of the new vibe. It has to smell like bleach. I want to feel like I'm 5150'd at all times. Yeah. Have you all heard of the monkey ladder experiment?

No. Do you want to know about it? Yes, please. I think you're going to tell us, but yes. Okay. Yes, please. So basically, this group of scientists got four monkeys and put them in an enclosure with a ladder up a tree.

And at the top of the ladder, there were bananas. And they were all hungry. And so one day, a monkey climbed up the tree to get, or climbed up the ladder to get the bananas. And when he reached the bananas, the other three monkeys at the bottom were all sprayed with really, really cold water. Right?

Oh, fuck. I was asleep. Sorry, did you say something? Oh, my God. Did you say something before? Wake up. I fell asleep. I just got super bored.

I just got super bored. And then I just fell asleep. Yeah, I was telling you about the monkey ladder experiment. Oh, where am I? Guys, can you please be present? I'm talking about the monkey ladder. No, it's really important. It's really important right now. I actually do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I actually, guys, seriously. Listen up. It's really on. If you also fell asleep, wake up. It's really, really topical for what's going on right now. But basically, so the monkeys at the bottom that weren't on the ladder getting the bananas all got sprayed and when the monkey came down um

they were pissed at him and beat the fuck out of him they like literally this literally happened they were beating the fuck out of this monkey that climbed up this ladder for getting them sprayed with water and so then another day another went up, and he went to reach for the bananas, and all of the monkeys at the bottom, including the one that just was up there, got sprayed with water, and then he came down and got beat the fuck up. They were, like, pissed off.

Well, then, so this went on, new monkey going up, monkeys at the bottom getting sprayed. Why could only one monkey go up at a time? It's just for the sake of the experiment. Okay, okay. And then, like, don't poke holes in it. I was going to say. And then, so, like, the point isn't them reaching the bananas.

The point is the monkeys at the bottom getting sprayed. Okay, okay. And then, so, they, like, kept doing this. They couldn't reach the bananas. They were keeping, they kept getting sprayed at the bottom. So, eventually, like, everyone was, like, tired. And so, they would take out one of the monkeys that was in the experiment and replace it with a new monkey and they kept doing this over

and over again and like a monkey would go and climb up and reach for the bananas everyone would get sprayed they'd be pissed well then eventually they would take another monkey out and put a new one in and like before even like um they even started climbing the ladder the rest of the monkeys literally just started beating the fuck out of this monkey and was like do not go up there we will get sprayed with water like do not do it and they kept replacing all the old monkeys with new monkeys until eventually um they all started just beating the fuck out of each other like without even going for the bananas yeah and basically this is like what like it's kind of like an example of like what society is like

like if you're not like asking questions and like you're you're just being indoctrinated into these ideals and thoughts that like you think are right but like they might not actually be right and you might be getting beat the fuck up for asking the right questions and like not quite or questioning things when in reality like the things you're taught might not be the right things yeah when was that study done i don't fucking know i made all of that up did you actually no? No, no, no. I was like, whoa, that's a really intricate law. Like, that was crazy. I was extremely impressed. It's indoctrination at the end of the day.

And if you're not asking the right questions. You may find that you are being taught something that is completely immoral and crazy. And you need to wake up. They don't want you asking the right questions. Imagine clocking into your job is like the monkey sprayer yeah like with the fucking fire hose i'm getting paid i probably also told that study really wrong um so like watch someone else talk about it that knows what the fuck they're talking about it's okay somebody who wants to clock you will clock yeah but basically you got the gist of

it yeah like you got the vibes do you have more monkey studies that you know of no i like the i hate that i love the idea like every time you said the monkeys are getting beat up you're going like this i think like 50 000 people signed up for neuro link oh I did whoa I decided yes did you actually I literally signed up for the one the pre-sign up before and I signed up for the one and I told them I was blind because I wanted to get Neuralink first I'm gonna get that shit and so I'm getting the mark of there's no way you would have even been able to like fake that damn someone jacked our shit for real fuck y'all. Wait, what?

What's gone? Up there. There's holes. Yeah, I know. Some of the stuff is gone. Something was taken. My favorite toys are here, but I can't recall. Really?

I thought nobody- I feel like we have a photo. Wasn't there a security guard that was supposed to- Yeah, but all it takes is just a one. Swiping it and putting it in your pocket when they're not looking. And I know which one of you fucking did it because we have it on camera and I'm coming after you. So you better be sweating and shaking in your boots. And I'm going to fucking pants you at the Grove.

There's cameras everywhere. Yeah. I think there should be more cameras everywhere too. Yeah, I think we need more public surveillance. I think there should be like. Less privacy. Way less privacy. Way less privacy.

Like I think there should be a mandatory TikTok, what did I do in my day for every single citizen. So I can just film them. I only feel scared, like, I don't know, 90% of the time. Yeah. I want to feel terrified all the time. Like, as soon as I wake up, I want to be like, oh, someone's watching me. And then when I go to sleep, I'll be like, I was watched the whole day.

Thanks, God. I was afraid. Dude, that was actually scary as actually scary that was actually really scary you know what's crazy is i think i've said this but like i got into a fight with my ex at a restaurant because he was like are you not worried about surveillance i was like dude i literally don't give a fuck and he was like trying to get get me to like be like this was in like 2018 and he was like this is going to get like awful like we are like gonna have 2018, and he was like, this is going to get, like, awful. Like, we are, like, going to have no privacy. And I was like, bro, who gives a fuck? And now I'm like, oh, my God, he may have been right.

Hi! Marcus! Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh. Marcus! Hi! I hope that caught her screaming. I know, literally. Yeah, I feel like a her screaming I know literally

Yeah I feel like a beetle I think I might be one of the beetles I'm the one who got shot in the back of the head by a fan And I'm the one that's pulling the trigger It be the ones that are closest to It be the ones The ones that want to see It be the ones

It be the ones trust me It be the see It be the ones, it be the ones Trust me It be the ones, it be the ones Don't get caught up, young blood You know, when I listen to the episodes, I play it 2x speed And you guys will sing And it sounds good Like, it sounds really good When we listen and we're singing, I'm like, oh my god

And I'll go back and slow it down I'm like, whoa, nevermind But that sounded good I kind of hit two notes there and I know y'all clocked that. Yeah, that was too. That G sharp was good. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Fuck yeah. That G sharp. That G sharp. Like big fucking double D sharp. I'm always fucking popping the double Ds on notes. I can't stop thinking about girl boobies. Like I want to fucking use motorboats and play with them.

Yeah, you do love tits and puss handbags box i love box oh my god i hope should i ruin everybody's life with roco's roku's back what is that don't ask that question okay don't i won't like i'm not kidding please don't yeah this is an information warning like literally do not look into it you're over and don't read about it i swear to god and i genuinely believe it's a thing but i just did my part yeah i just i just i just did my part you served the beast yeah i served it um i served the base i served the base i served the face base. I serve the face. I serve the face.

Are you making that a Kanye song? Yeah. I've literally experienced scared straight. Like, I've talked about how I got caught stealing and I got sent off to, like, eight weeks of psychiatry. But I don't think I ever talked about the fact that they took me to a juvie and tried to scare straight up. Like, scare us straight. Dude, they did that to me with, like, the handcuffs behind the chair yeah they they except i'm not i'm straight no i wasn't talking about the uh they need to make a thing okay listen listen listen listen they need to make a thing where

it's a bunch of gay guys like you bring like a little gay twinkie boy in and you just fucking scare them straight. Like you're fucking straight, man. Putting the twink at the top of the ladder. Yeah. He's spraying him with water for 45 minutes. No, but there is this thing that I'm like kind of working on where it's like making gay people straight again. Okay.

Are you the first test subject? And it's working. And then you're going to teach other people. people straight again okay are you are you the first test subject and it's working and then you're gonna teach other people yeah it's totally working based off of the shape of your legs right now yeah like it's working it's working um but i literally got taken to a juvie with a bunch of other kids who got caught like doing crimes when we were young and they took us through and i laughed the whole time because i was like i literally watched this show and y'all are not about to remake it. And they had kids who were like, I'm fucking crazy.

It was so beat too. I bet it sucked. It was so bunk. Like, they were trying to scare us, but it was just like a bunch of little kids who were like, obviously, like most of them were wrongfully there. It's like, this kid just needs help. Like, let him go home. Like, why is he here? Are those prison shows?

Like, are the people in prison paid no i don't know i do not think they are literally no it's literally like free labor like i don't think any of them are paid because i think i looked it up because there was that one show where it was like a bunch of girls in juvie and i think it was like unclear if they ever even got paid for being on the show they were just on the show being documented and like i think a big like incentive for them unless i'm wrong this is like just me assuming i'm sure a big incentive is like if you're a part of this we will like lessen your time i bet that's a huge that's what i was thinking or like commissary or yeah it's like

you will give you something in return but they are definitely not paying those kids which is fucking crazy abolished prison thank Seriously, thank you. Something I've been thinking about. You were like Olivia Wilde where she was like, Trump is not a legitimate president! And then she stops acting, she's like, that's it, thank you. Have you seen the video of Jessie J singing on the airplane? Oh wait, yeah, she does Nikki's verse

and she sounds really good doing Nikki's verse. It's literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life. I would be so goddamn upset if some bitch It's literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life. I would be so goddamn upset if some bitch stood up on my plane and started singing. I would tackle her. I would literally run down the aisle, tackle her. And then when they tried to ask me, I'd be like, dude, I'm so sorry.

I misread the situation. I thought she was trying to do something bad. You're on your Mark Wahlberg shit. I was trying to be a hero. I misread the room. My apologies. I will go to be a hero. I misread the room. My apologies. I will go back to my seat. I literally read the room.

I love the girl getting kicked off the plane. The IG baddie who was going to Adelgirifaganistan. Yeah. I never saw that. Wait, Kai, it is so good. Also, because she's like bad. Like she actually is like IRL looks good. She is actually a baddie?

Yeah. Yeah. Was she in her mood? I'm sorry. Oh my God. Who are you waving at? I also love her leaving. Like, she's getting kicked off of the plane and, like, leaving coach.

And on her way out, she's like, you fucking bum to somebody who was, like, further ahead on the plane than her. Which I love because I'm like, girl, read the room. Call me a bitch again. Yeah, you guys did nothing wrong. No, you shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up and you're a bitch. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Film me. I'm Instagram famous, you fucking bum. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Wow, dude, she looks like, you know the meme, it's like stepping into 2016? Yes, yes. She's like that personified. And I stand by her because like there was a guy in the video who she was like, call a bitch again call me a bitch again to a guy so i'm standing by her i loved the

comments all the comments were like the top one was like she was taking that one way flight to i don't give a fuck ganderson it was like um i stand by women's rights but more important i stand by their wrongs and like all the comments were like like cheering her on okay well we went to the movies the other day no we didn't i didn't do that okay well we went to the movies the other day no we didn't i didn't do that okay i went to the fucking movies the other day like you weren't there weird you literally weren't there so like was i actually not here for this one it was so fun going to the movies with you guys yeah it was so lit i don't think we've ever been to the movies together i have been to the movies with kai never even hung out yeah we don't hang outside of these

spaces i um but no we went to the movies to see the taika waititi movie and when like we stay or when we were like walking into the theater i was like damn dude like people like so shit is happening again like movies are fully back theaters are fully back and it felt like simultaneously like amazing and then also like super dark-sided and weird and like the energy was just like really really off in the theater and then I came to the conclusion afterwards I was like like everyone felt uncomfortable like everyone was like there's so many people here like what the fuck is going on and like pre-pandemic like that was the vibe always and it wasn't weird but like post-pandemic like I think a lot of people are like oh like I want normal life back so bad like I want normal life back so bad and then like we

get a taste of it and we just don't know how to fucking act like I was like literally so overwhelmed seeing that many people and it's literally in my head like for me at least is like it's because like I just got so used to seeing nowhere no one anywhere for a very long time also can we just erase the pandemic from like our history like that shit was so embarrassing i'm sorry like but i miss covid not the people dying part like no i miss covid era so bad i miss playing animal crossing all day. And super spreading. That was fun. It finally felt like I had a purpose.

Yeah, super spreading. Remember when, like, we almost lost our podcast in, like, the first 12 episodes because we, like, spoke about the pandemic? And they, like... Oh, yeah, and they tried to destroy our fucking YouTube account because they thought... Oh, because we were quoting Big Nick and how he didn't believe in COVID. Does the lighting look crazy on camera? Not really. You know what's funny is you can see my shadow. I look like I'm sitting next to you guys, but it's just like a faceless silhouette.

That's awesome. All right, let's keep going. It looks fine, though. Fair. It kind of looks artistic. Wait, I'm loving that. It kind of looks artistic. Yeah, I'm loving it.

Drew, I love how you say theater. Theater? That's very like, that's like how a thespian would say it like what did you just call me a thespian oh he called you a lesbian no no don't call me that no i'm fucking not i called you a thespian just stop saying it i don't know if you're allowed to say that kai that's not what no and you're a cinephile huh no like why is that a vibe like i'm an audiophile don't ever call yourself that you're weird fuck i have to get that out of my bio then you have cinephile in your yes also i have exhibitionist in my bio because after doing this exhibit i was like oh my god exhibitionism is so fun. Like, I think I'm going to do it all the time.

Like, I just love doing exhibits. That's not what that means. So I think my new career path is exhibitionism. No, no, that's not what that means. It means, like, you like being naked in public. No. I think Drew's right, actually. No, I'm an extra business.

How do you say it? Stop saying it. Am I saying it wrong? Extra business. Extra business. You're an exorcist. I'm an exerbusiness. Stop saying that. Am I saying it wrong? Exerbusiness. You're an exorcist. I'm ex the business. You're an exorcist. Right.

I would get the Neuralink because I don't like typing text anymore. I just want my iPhone actually I want my iPhone to scan my eyes and see into my soul and know what I want to say. Yeah. Like, that's what I want.

That's literally what Neuralink would do. I would get it so I don't have to type text anymore. Because I send a lot of audio messages and I'm just like, I'm always talking at my phone and then having to read a reply. Because I'm not good at typing, I've realized. Like, I'm such a lazy texter. All my texts have like 18 million typos and I refuse to fix them anymore it is it's weird like

falling slowly into the singularity because I used to like my dad would use speech to text and I'd be like you're an old head like that's really cringe

and now I'm like constantly using it because I'm like oh I want to interact with my phone like way faster yeah and it's slowly just like

it's slowly just moving its way into my brain dude it's so scary how much I've been using my phone recently like I know it's all a joke like I slowly just moving its way into my into my brain dude it's so scary how much i've been using my phone recently like i know it's all a joke like but like the last like four days like i have genuinely been like in a very dark place with my phone where like like i will be literally like don't do this and i'm not saying to do this and i fucking hate that i'm doing this but i'll be like driving and like scrolling tiktok and like watching like or listening to tiktok like out of my the corner of my eye like it's like it's literally like actually like a problem like i need to like

go back into the woods and like yeah you keep saying you need a dopamine oh my god i'm having a stroke you keep saying you need a dopamine detox and i think my time for one is coming like yeah like i need to get access to everything that like gives me instant like serotonin like i need like yeah i need it to be taken away i need to go like camping or something and just be in dead signs but i need to go camping for like three months and then come back uh frail and frigid because i ran out of food and I almost died and then I can be on like Ellen or something. That's the experience I want.

I only want to come back if Jimmy Fallon will let me get on and be like, I almost died in the woods by choice. I was going to say like, isn't that what Grimes did? Like she ate spaghetti or whatever. And then she made the best album ever. So maybe if we go away into the woods for like three months. We'll come back and do like the best thing we've ever done. Yeah, we'll like have the best episode you've ever seen you know what's really good for that is hanging out with

like old ass relatives wait i'm sorry the woman who just passed gave us the dirtiest look ever she like hated our vibe anti-podcast why doesn't she like us guys i just want to say like like podcasters we have it really hard and like people like look at us with like deranged looks in their eyes and like people like want to see us die or fail and they think we don't have it they don't think we have it harder than the rest of the people like no no my life is hard that's what i'm saying you don't understand my dad will call me and be like dude i'm 50 i like just worked on a roof for eight hours i have sunburn like my skin is falling off i'm so tired i'm so exhausted i have to wake up at 6 a.m to do it again tomorrow i'm like imagine how tired we

are i had to fucking record an episode today for an hour like i i'm tired yeah don't tell me that like why are you even calling me because i just had to like and yeah i'm really sorry that you had to go through that thank you and my mom will be like oh my god this job is it paying well anymore like i don't think we can make it like do you have any money i'm like oh my god no absolutely not like work for your fucking money why am i gonna give you money like i'm done i'm cutting my fucking family off like no one wants to work yeah that's what i'm saying anymore they're becoming dependent on me and it's like insane get get a job get a fucking job i'm fucking kidding the idea of my parents hearing that and like getting upset like thinking i'm being real freaks me out somebody actually recently

was like do you listen to the podcast and i thought i recorded my dad but i asked him i like have it deep in my recordings because i record my family when i'm talking to them all the time without their consent so if anybody ever finds weird i have multiple multiple conversations with my family that they have no idea that i'm just like asking them questions to record for my own keeping because I'm terrified of losing the people I love. But I asked my dad one day and I was like, do you listen to the podcast?

And he was like, one time I tried and like, you guys say stuff that I just think as a parent, I don't need to hear. And he was like, and I think you're very funny, but like, I think you say a lot of stuff I don't need to hear. And I'm like your piss boner me my balls smell good I'm high as fuck like I don't think my dad wants to hear that so yeah that's your answer I don't think my dad listens

you just looked at me dead in the eyes and gave me a crazy look and I got bricked up. I know, you got nervous. Can you give me the look? No, no, no, no. Okay. I've given it to you before, though. Every single person that walks by

is like, literally hates us. I know, they don't like our vibe. And especially because the sun is falling on me and I'm becoming more and more beautiful by the second. You are glowing, low-key. Period. Drew is in a dark shroud of shadows, though. Yes.

Yeah, always. Ow! My leg is, like, numb right now. Hannah Montana is goat. Why did you say that? I was reading my note. Miley Stan came out. You know what it is too.

I know exactly where your brain goes when you write out notes. Cause I do the same thing. Like I'll write out like a small thing because in my head I'm like, I don't want to write out the whole joke. Like I know the jokes I'm going to make based on this thought I'm having. And I don't want to write them out because I don't want to feel forced to say the joke and read it out because usually it doesn't land as well but then i just have notes that it's like ubers yeah i'm like okay uber yes uber is for you better fucking eat but i think i was saying because we watched like

dude me josh and josiah had like boys night and we watched the Hannah Montana movie. Boys night. Literally. Here's the climb. And that one, that movie is good as fuck. Yeah. Like it's actually like a good fucking movie. The one with the climb in it? Yeah, at the very end. And I don't want to fucking hear it.

But I think like what I meant by that note is that like I actually literally don't know what i meant by it like hannah montana is goat my miley cyrus stan came out i think you just meant you liked the movie yeah well i i was oh i was gonna reference like me posting those pictures like in 2012 2013 like those edits that fans made of me like with miley cyrus kissing my cheek oh yeah oh like Miley like I love her so much and then I made like literally one of the funniest jokes I think I've ever made when I was like 13 years old and it's like Miley Cyrus like in her bangers era with like fur arms and they look like bear arms and I said Miley Cyrus like the Second Amendment. And it's like the right to bear arms. That's clever as fuck.

And that's your best joke you've ever made. That's my magnum opus. I genuinely still think about it. I'm like, damn, I need to tap into that place instead of making fucking piss and squirt jokes. Well, piss is squirt. Piss is squirt, yeah. I blow keep you in sleep talking.

I did this episode. I was starting to feel like the two kids When you wear the dead people clothes I don't know Well I have been sleep talking For some reason Josiah sleeps in my bed When there's like open beds or couch Or air mattress and he sleeps next to me But it's nice like I like having a warm body

Next to me at night You haven't slept with me in a long time yeah because you won't fucking let me because you need to shower before you get in my bed oh now it's that no no no no well when we were having sex the rules were different because if it's someone i'm having sex with i don't give a fuck where those clothes been get on my bed that makes sense to me get in my bed but if i'm not having sex with you anymore you need to shower because now you're dirty. Do you record it?

Your sleep talking? Or not you guys having sex, but... The sleep talking? Do you have one of those apps? I just don't want to talk about it anymore. Oh, okay. Dude, open up. Like, yeah, be you. I don't think I'm allowed to be me in this space.

You don't want to open up right now. I just can't be me. this space you don't want to open up right now i just can't be me um wait oh oh yeah i like josiah was like in the other room entirely and i was like laying in bed and i had just like closed my eyes i didn't mean to fall asleep i just like accidentally fell asleep and like i like could hear myself talking like but like i wasn't cognitive of what i was fucking saying um but like i was talking to josiah about basketball and josiah has no idea and like i was also josiah like sleep talking and josiah kept saying like what what and he came in and he woke me up and he was like um what were you saying and i was like i don't know like what was i saying he was

like you were talking about basketball or something i was like oh my god like i was you talking about basketball in your sleep is such a crazy vibe and i scrolled tiktok in my dream i was i was scrolling on tiktok in my dream like a week ago. It was crazy. It was fucked up. Was it videos you've already seen or was your brain making new TikToks for you a lot? It was making new TikToks. It was like big fucking oiled up like BBL baddies like just fucking shaking their poop butt everywhere. And then other basketball highlights. Yeah, yeah.

They were just like spraying shit all over the fucking camera and like all dunking turds into the toilet. Have you ever been like half asleep and you let out a moan? No. Like a really like earnest moan? That's a death rattle, Kai. No, I'm serious. Have you ever done that? No.

No, but I've woken myself up to snoring. Like I've like fallen asleep and like been like. Dude, Enya is like a snorer. Like you are like, she sounds just like my dad. Like she is so loud like it's crazy but it is comforting to sleep next to her because it sounds like my dad's snoring and it's like oh like i used to literally when i first moved to la i could not go to sleep like as fast as i used to because like it was too quiet because my dad wasn't like snoring in the house. And then Drew would come to my room

and crack my door open so he could hear my snoring. That's so sweet. I need snoring. I wish we could find the video from when we went to Hawaii and how loud my snore was that night. Oh my God, literally. It sounded like somebody was putting their whole body weight on a door with creaky hinges and swinging back and forth.

Soggy bottom. Yeah, my soggy bottom. Yeah, I snore like an old man and honestly, I don't know. I don't know what to say about it. It's like so embarrassing. So I'm just like shy about it. Like really nervous. Wait, hold on. I'm gonna get this on video. Hello? Oh, it's Elliot. Hey. Hey, are you home now? no i'm not we finally got the philip on camera she said ophelia she said hi philip i thought she said i thought she said ophelia she she called me daniel i was like with my buddy and i was like dude she calls me philip it's so lit and she answered it and she

said hi daniel and she had literally never called me about once in my life and she hasn't called me that since yeah i don't know where why she used to call me all the time and then i passed over the torch to drew and now she only calls drew she calls me when it's like drew is not answering and then i just like forward her calls and then she texts me she's like where is philip no i literally love her like i i love her so much yeah our landlord is such a cutie yeah remember how much cunt she was serving when we signed like yeah she was excited she was like literally she came with a full beat and we were like oh my gosh um should we get into some media of the week eek eek i'm gonna like discover lo anthony i'm gonna re-find him and have him record that for us like emergency intercom Of the week. Eek. Eek. I'm going to like discover Lo Anthony. I'm going to re-find him and have him record that for us.

Like emergency intercom media of the week. Do you think he would do it? I think he would do it. No. Really? He wants nothing to do with the internet. Like there are random pictures that will come out of him and he is literally a straight man now. Like it is jarring.

I feel like, hey, money talks. We can get that. We can figure it out. All right. My media of the week is the Pink Panthers album. I think it's really fun. Easy to listen to. Box to the 40 by Caribou.

Candy by Tokisha. I don't know how to say her name. Sorry. Sue me. Put me in jail. Throw away the key. And lock me in there with someone sexy because I'll have fun. Outside All Night by Brent Baez.

And Lullaby by The Cure. Till I Die, The Beach Boys. And Heart and Bones, Paul Simon, which I think I said last week. And then for watching media, I don't have anything. We watched Next School. We watched Next School Wins, and that was like a cute movie. which I think I said last week and then for watching media I don't have anything we watched next goal we watched next goal wins and that was like a cute movie yeah it was really sweet Taika Watiti is like just good I need him the first like five minutes of that movie I was horrified I was like oh this is gonna be horrible but then it was just so cute funny and wholesome like there were

like a bunch of moments where i was like literally on the verge of tears because like oh my god i love the girl in it so much um but my media is scavengers reign it's like this hbo like animated show that like if i was to make an animated show that's what it would look and feel like like super foreign alien planets with like just like codex seraphineus level of like creativity and their creatures and creepies and crawlies and shit um i watched wally and that was great certified classic um oh we uh watched cheetah girls too and that was really good. You know what's crazy is capitalism's greatest

and most desired hit is to commodify the female body. It's true. Like look at like WALL-E like making these like female autonomous beings or like ex machina why are every fucking personal

assistance female? Like Siri. I changed my Siri to be a male voice. I'm just saying. Oh respect. female autonomous beings or like ex machina why are every personal assistants female like i changed my siri to be a male voice i'm just saying oh respect yeah yeah no that there's levels to this like i'm spitting facts right now and you are you can like a female voice yeah but um next i watched like okay so apple tv has lokey been on a generational run and no one is paying attention like they're making like really really good shitty TV I don't know if that makes sense to anybody but myself but like silo is like this it's basically fallout um the TV show but it's has nothing to do with fallout and it's these people like living in a silo and it's just like a dramatic thriller like what the fuck is going on mystery like what's going on it's literally i can't believe

it's like literally question everything like what the fuck like like what if we are in a silo they're so into that shit because they also have that other one with that one guy they're so sci-fi coded right now yeah severance they're so like dude the first right now. Yeah, Severance. They're so like... Dude, the first episode of Severance goes really hard. Yeah. I didn't finish it. Yeah, I watched two episodes. I was like, that show was amazing. I will not be finishing it.

I think episode three, I was like, okay, liminal spaces are cool. Yeah, exactly. We get it. I'm going to watch YouTube. Yeah, I want to watch YouTube videos and TikToks, Tim Talks of people just freaking... If my name was Tim and I wanted to be a social media influencer, I would make my account name Tim Talks. Yeah.

Oh, Tim Talks? Yeah, but it's Tim T-O-K, Tim Talks. I feel like Tim Talks, like T-A-L-K-S would be more of a lot. No, T-I-M-T-O-K-S. It still reads as Tim Talks. Yeah, but so does Tim Talks. Okay. I just think mine is better.

That's good. I'm right. I feel like mine is better. Yours is always better. Guys. Yeah, thanks. Fuck you. Just because she's a woman

doesn't mean you have to pity her. Wait, are you going to do Psyop Corner? No, I was about to say. I don't have any. You don't have Psyop Corner for me? There's none. Just like the world isn't giving me like the material that i need it's not my fault hold on i'll scroll through my

tiktok and see if there's anything um do not open your phone around me because i will be staring at your screen literally me with you barbie posted that i know i was like dude this is literally me like i'm like a moth to a flame if somebody has their iphone open around me and i can't stand a privacy screen bitch why do you even have your iphone outside if you have a privacy screen like that is meant for the people you're supposed to be sharing yeah no fucking away and you used to like literally yell at me when we like first started living together because i was just i would just look at her phone and now i'm like literally traumatized by it and i like when people are like even scrolling through

their photos i'll just like look away because i'm like i don't want them to have like a nude in there or something um but yeah and yeah like literally abused me with words about looking at her phone well i was born real so i never had to be real that's me about having the app because i never had to get like you bitches i was just born like that facts take more face pics ladies y'all's obituary is gonna be full of ass i think you said that one already so you're done ipad i'm filipino and dope white girl save me white girl white girl save me save me. White girl. White girl, save me. Save me, white girl. I'm glad cars were invented. Imagine walking your horse up.

Oh, wait. I'm glad cars were invented. Imagine waking your horse up at 3 a.m. to go get pussy. That's a really good one. I want to do one more. Get up, I'm horny. Get up. Shaking your horse. Horny.

I'm so fucking horny. Imagine your card declines at the abortion clinic and the doctor starts nutting you. Oh my God. declines at the abortion clinic, and the doctor starts nutting in you. Oh. I didn't say that, y'all. I'm just quoting someone. I'm just relaying the facts.

What are y'all going to get y'all's siblings and parents for Christmas? Leave a comment down below, because i'm having trouble okay that wasn't a jerusalem by the way i know that's just you being real yeah you need to be real i'm so bad at buying people gifts it's fucked up hold on guys sorry sorry i know we want to finish but i gotta get good one in. I bet there's someone who follows me and just fucking despises me, who just fucking hates me so much and is hate following so hard. They don't even like anything about me. They just keep following. Okay. If somebody doesn't like us and they listen this far into the episode,

you need help. And that's coming from a certified hate watcher. I love a good hate watch. You need help. Even if it's on double speed, you need help. that's coming from a certified hate watcher i love a good hate watch you need help even if it's on double speed you need 121 hours yeah you need help and being subscribed to the patreon yeah something must be done it's going too far transgender christmas tree pronoun pudding non-binary new year gay gift wrapping eating disorder eggnog, Santa's servant sleigh, renegade reindeers, the alt-left has ruined our Christmas traditions, the devil is alive and well. And I'll leave it there.

Wow. Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Black Friday! Bye!