Emergency Intercom - The percs of being a wallflower (holiday episode)

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Today we pray.  What better way to celebrate the holidays than listening to us talk about dying hamsters and squirting Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me. It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, of Emergency Intercom. Happy Holidays! Happy Holidays. The Liberals ruined Christmas. The Liberals ruined Christmas. holidays the liberals ruined christmas the liberals ruined christmas they literally did we went to target before this to get like decorations and the minimalism throw up that

was all over that target was really really scary too much our children are gonna grow up bring back red and green christmas yeah what happened why is it gray and beige and white. Like, I've had a fucking enough. A beige Christmas. I don't know. Have a beige Christmas. Everything was, like, woody and gray and nasty and sad. Like, I saw this, like, garland that was, like, supposed to be, like, hung up on the walls and shit. And it was just wooden balls. And, like, I almost threw up.

It's supposed to be like rainbow ornaments well because you know who took the rainbows from us so we don't get to use that anymore they have to save all their rainbow paint for July or is it June June you wouldn't know you wouldn't know got him

if you're wondering why Drew looks like that it's because he doesn't know how to wear that I grew my beard out. Yeah. And we bleached it with splat. So it's never going back to normal ever again. Is my nose supposed to be covered? No, your nose is not supposed to be covered with a fucking mustache. When you took that picture earlier, I was like,

why does it look like shit? And it's because it's like all the way up to my eyes. It is like the cheapest thing I think I've ever seen like on the planet no it's fully brick um you should just gorilla glue it like that girl did with her wig oh yeah and then you won't have to worry about it slipping and sliding we were talking with rain thank you rain for letting us use your house it's gorgeous your gorgeous house because our kitchen corner is scary shout out rain shout out rain um but we um were talking about like the girl that gorilla glued her hair down like and rain was like bro like how did she think this was the gorilla snot like it literally

looks like fucking glue also it like burns like anytime you get super glue or something on your skin you have like a chemical reaction it literally literally like starts to like burn. Wait, is there a cat whisker right here? Is there a what? Oh, I thought this was a cat whisker. Never mind. She doesn't have a cat. I know. I thought it was left here from the past.

People fell off one of our clothes. Yes, I've been keeping Azul's whiskers. Really? I've never seen his whiskers around. I found three and two in the last two days. He's really stressed out. Oh my God, he's balding. He's losing his,

he's losing his fucking grip. Why are his whiskers falling out but yeah how did she not know because like anytime i've gotten super glue on my fingers it burns like it literally burned so fucking bad like our like animal bodies know immediately that that shouldn't be on our skin so how did she like put it all over her forehead i literally um was gluing together like a failed 3d print like i was trying to like piece it back together oh wait we literally showed it in the last episode i was trying to glue the arm back onto that print and um let me take this shit off because it's like actually itching my nose

um it's like it's straight up asbestos like it's fucked up it's drywall what's the thing you fill walls with it's fiberglass you had to take off your fiberglass beard um but i was like gluing the arm back on that figurine and like i dripped like fucking five or six drips of the super glue onto my middle finger and ring finger and it literally started smoking and i thought like just i i didn't think anything of it but then like i like tried to wipe it off really quick because i was like i've had super glue on my fingers it's not that deep i used to glue my fingers together and pull them apart because it like felt good like that is like not normal i know someone has fucking done yeah that's that's no with like elmer's glue or something but he he said he did super glue. Oh, with super glue?

It's fun. Like it doesn't- Oh, that's dangerous. Yeah, that's really weird. God, y'all are obs. Y'all are now officially the ob. Y'all are now officially bestowed as the ob. Yeah, but I didn't think anything of it, but Gorilla Glue started smoking.

And it literally like, it was almost like a smoke ring. It like, it blew up and smoked up. And I was like, oh, wow, like I'm literally going to die. And then I just had like super glue fingers for like three days. But I read online just like keep it moisturized. And, you know, I keep that shit moisturized. Like, no, I used your Byredo Rose hand cream. Oh, the oiliest cream on the planet.

You don't like that. I do. But I like have this problem with like all my nice creams because because my like skin is so dry i usually only put it like on my arms and hands because the rest of my body absorbs cream so fast that like i would need to go through that whole fucking tube to moisturize my body and then i like, I get to smell good for one night and one night only. You know who else's body absorbs cream really fast? Yours? No, Drew's.

Because you're ran through and you let everybody like cream and squirt and **** on you? Yeah, he was sitting on the couch earlier talking about how he can easily fit a tennis ball up his butthole. He can just sit on it and it pops up. You know how some people are like, oh my God, I don't want anybody to **** on me because like the mix of water and **** is really gross and nasty.

Kai literally is always like, that doesn't matter because it just seeps in. It's like he's like a ShamWow. I don't care. But only for ****. Okay, okay, okay. Low key. Too much, too much, too much. I can't.

This is a Christmas episode. It's supposed to be wholesome. We can bleep that. We can bleep that. It's supposed to be wholesome. Y'all better be watching this on the living room TV with your whole family around you. Oh, literally. I bet there is a family out there that listens together yeah

but that's the same family that in like the 2000s would do a wife swap and they were like the hippies do you know what i mean like they were like we believe in peace but like we love you now we're those families intake we love you media um but did y'all okay i have to go back to this because i was like i wanted to talk about it but we got sidetracked but did y'all ever i have to go back to this because i was like i wanted to talk about it but we got sidetracked but did y'all ever do this and i'm being dead fucking serious i'm not even like making this a bit like this is something i used to do but i would sit on the stairs at my house and i would grab like a needle and stick it under the first layer of my skin okay good because i yeah and then i would like every kid did that once they realized they have like eight million layers of skin and

it doesn't hurt but then every time you pinched yourself and it fucking hurt you were like fuck like and then you would just leave it alone like you wouldn't try again you'd make like a little blood blister under there um okay and then you would bite the blood blister no i never did that i did that hell no I would do that. I would make it bust. Okay. Well, keep going because he's getting really weird. We've let him get away with too much already this episode.

Being uncomfortable. Drew? You've upset him. Drew was seeing, like, figures before the episode started. I don't think that was a real person. I think it literally was like probably Rain's reflection. Drew came over to us while we were all sitting in a box eating because Rain like just got her crib. So it's actually so cute.

It's like in the beginning stages where you're like eating on top of boxes. So you're not like hurting your back. And we were all sitting watching TikToks and Drew came over. He was like, there were someone outside. They took a picture and they left. I was talking and his face went white i swear i swear there's a ghost well it's because his hypoxia yeah yeah yeah he's not the quickest he's ever been with his brain it's literally it's from the 3d printer gases that are like fucking my shit yeah drew's still sleeping

in my bed oh yeah we we're gonna do it again tonight like a little farewell like a goodbye like i always think about that we haven't like hung out other than like fucking working which is annoying as well that's i don't like hanging out with you oh so hanging out with you while we work is already enough and i'm like whew i need a detox i have you been realizing i do a juice cleanse every time we finish working no i know because i need to cleanse my body oh my god and i'll probably go get like um a lymphatic drainage massage after this can we just move on yeah i mean sure um so it's officially over for me okay like i'm down tremendously bad like it's so over like it's not even what happened

23 and me was hacked and they have my fucking data they have all of my data they have all what is the data on there that's like so important literally my entire genome my entire genome but what does that even mean like if somebody it's like oh my god someone knows my blood type we are literally three decades away from like cloning human beings like they are going to literally clone me but you're already pushing 30 you're not getting cloned they want the young people they don't in three decades in 30 years i'm in my fucking prime i'm in my fucking prime you are in your prime if i was in the nba decades no one is gonna want to clone somebody who's like 56 years old no they're cloning my they're cloning my prime dna hello

and also the telomeres have nothing to do with it challenge. What the fuck is telomeres? Kai. No, do not. We don't. Okay. We can move on. It's the strands in your DNA that shows your biological age. Yeah.

Oh, okay. And you know what's crazy about the telomeres? Is when you eat a bunch of sugar, your glycogen levels. Kai, take it away. Okay, so when you eat sugar, basically your telomeres shorten, and that basically means you're going to die soon. So you shouldn't eat sugar. Yep. Just eat vegetables.

Okay, so literally all of y'all are going to die because we all just ordered fucking candy right before we started this. No, literally not me. All you eat is candy. Insert what Drew had for dinner last night. This motherfucker is dying. I will say I had a bite of his famous bowl, and it was fucking yummy. The famous bowl from kfc

will always be good even though it like actually tastes like i just ate a bunch of cans and like rations in a basement you didn't just have a bite you had three the entire okay hold on hold on you had a quarter of it and then you went and made fun of my fucking uh chicken wrap with macaroni and cheese on the inside of it i kept begging i was begging for a bite of that because he told me when he described it at first i was like that sounds awful and then when he got there i was like wait this might be fucking yummy so that was my dinner was a few bites of drew's um catastrophe dinner oh okay and you're a hoe oh Oh, did I have like a hanging little like pube?

Okay, wait. Wait, I was a little bit curious about, you guys mentioned that Josiah was on American Idol. Yeah. Is there footage of that? No. No, he didn't make it through. Oh, really? There's like four tryout rounds before you can even be on TV.

So like all the people who suck on American Idol, they literally were like, this is going to be good. This is going to be funny. Which is so psychological torture evil. Damn, I thought there was like footage. No, bitch, if there was footage, we would have that shit on lock. That would be my first story highlight on my instagram page i would post it on my story every other day like josiah flopping on fucking american that got talent american they got talent okay fuck you should we say what our stockings stand for oh i didn't i got one for true because they didn't have an E Yeah and I got one for QA non Q

If you're listening That was a sign From Q Oh my fucking god Why did you think you could Yank that and it wouldn't fall Can you suck my balls Yeah I would

Do that challenge This episode is brought to you by Samsung Galaxy Ever captured a great night video Yeah, I would. And that's not all. New Galaxy AI features, like NowBrief, will give you personalized insights based on your day schedule, so that you're prepared, no matter what. Pre-order the Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra now at Samsung.com. What does yours stand for? Mine stands for hole, for Drew's hole. Butthole. Butthole.

And then we got X for Kai, because... Because he's the X factor. Oh, you got one for me? No, because we want to X him out of our lives, but we don't know how yet. So we're thinking about it. I got it because I was like, it's the X Factor. And then you said that shit. That is why he said we should get for Cod, because he has the X Factor.

I have the X Factor. That's so sweet. I didn't know that was for me, guys. I'm actually blushing. But see how it's smaller? But I'm blushing. Because you will never be Cole or QAnon. Because I'm small and very small and I'm delicate. Because he's really petite and delicate. Because you're so? But I'm blushing. Because you will never be Cole or QAnon. Because I'm small and I'm delicate.

Because he's really petite and delicate. Because you're so tiny. I'm super delicate. Did you guys know my waist size is 8? 24. 24. It's 8 now. No way.

Yeah, it's 8. How are you alive? I don't know. I don't even think there's babies who are in 8. Nasty, drinking fucking boo milk all the time. You think you're so fucking sped. Dude, you are the ug so fucking sped dude you are the ugliest

fucking baby I'd be so pissed if I had two of them you know what's crazy is my mom literally loved us

and thought we were cute like she saw the pictures of us that's that mother disease moms always think their babies are

cute and then I think there is like a word for it I don't delusion yeah yeah but have you seen the baby picture? No.

It's crazy. He's disgusting. I bet if you look up Drew Phillips baby, you can find it. Yeah. Dude, you like somehow came out of the womb looking like you were being held in an air fryer or a dehydrator. No, it was crazy. It was crazy.

You were like when you put Skittles in a dehydrator. That's what you look like as a baby. I like puffed up out the sides like a macaron no it's crazy like i literally look yeah that's not even a picture we're talking about that was like i settled into his headshot but what's crazy my head wait sabrina send that to kai the head is so long it's so long that one's all right but the other one you got body i look unhealthy like what's crazy is they pose them up so that was probably the best picture that's what i'm saying that was a few days after i settled into like my skin disease that i was born with

um but okay i'll show you while that one pops up i do want to talk about um don't read my fucking notes these are all supposed to be surprises oh well i'm trying to see if you get a text i want to see who's texting you okay and if i was actually so jealous in bed last night i was like i fell asleep right before one and drew was getting texts all night you see it yeah that's it that's alien fucking baby gasping for air like i have no right i was big and they gave him peanuts too early and they didn't realize he was fucking allergic what's crazy was i like literally was big and greedy in their womb and madeline was like three quarters of the size of me or no like one quarter of the size of me she was like this big and i was just like this ginormous fucking hunk of meat like i was a giant

baby the um what were you saying wait what were you saying you look i was gonna say you look less moisturized than those aliens that we found y'all didn't find aliens ignore him he's he's he's breaking you didn't want to reveal that on this episode that we okay the mexico aliens delivered it to him because they gave us the best deal. Yeah, they gave us the best deal. For the bodies. No, no, he's right.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry. What were you saying, though? Girl, I don't know. You were jealous of me. Oh, you were getting... Okay, that's why you fucking remember? You are crazy.

Something is wrong with you. But he was getting texts all through the night, but then I did look over and it was family group chat so i didn't care oh and you're jealous no you're jealous as fuck because people love i thought you had bitches people want to communicate with me i'm just a pleasant person to talk to i haven't responded to my family group chat in months because i'm the black sheep and everything I say is just weird everything I say is weird um okay but if everything genuinely everything if it goes wrong for me I've decided what my next venture in life is gonna be and like I think I I can give myself to like 35 to figure my shit out and if I don't this is when I start going down this rabbit hole.

But I think I want to be like a ninth grade teacher. Like, I'm not even kidding. Like, that's really sweet. I actually think I do. I was watching this guy's tick talk today. He was talking about like his ninth graders and like,

he posts a video every single day, like after school, just talking about an event that happened. And like the amount of euphoria that I was like getting, like thinking about like teaching a bunch of ninth graders and like them being mean to me but then we have us having like a little rapport and like me having the kids that i fucking hate you want to be bullied by like teenagers no no no just like you know the fucking yeah i know what you mean also you have um boogers so the motherfucker get the fuck away from me how long did you let that go on like literally three seconds because i want i didn't want to cut you off oh i thought you

rubbed it on her carpet um i used to want to be an english teacher when i was in ninth grade and that's what i thought i was going to do because i was like actually i don't think i'm going to make it into entertainment because i'm too annoying but then i thought about it i was like i would 100 go to jail for fucking hitting a kid like let someone talk back to me like i would be those you know when you see videos of teachers and you're like why is this teacher going back and forth with a child it's so unnecessary and i feel that but then i think about it and like in that position i would go crazy like yeah teachers who deal with teenagers or middle schoolers are so brave

but even people now i feel like um a bunch of teachers in like elementary school are talking about how gnarly kids are now and they're like but fuck dumb because they just want to be on tiktok and shit like i'm back you didn't have to be talking about we're talking about how dumb kids are oh yeah yeah yeah i've been seeing a bunch of videos too of teachers being like about we're talking about how dumb kids are oh yeah yeah yeah i've been seeing a bunch of videos too of teachers being like oh we're like fucked like it's never ever ever been this bad and that's where every generation says that people are on their phones and chat gbt and it's literally just like since everyone grew up in the pandemic like on online school and shit that like their reading, like, four levels below what they should be.

And, like, it's just crazy. But, like I was saying, that's where I come in to save the day. You think you're going to make a generational change? Yeah, I'm going to raise, like, some geniuses. How many schools will you be teaching at? One, but I'm going to raise some fucking geniuses. Like, I'm going to raise the people that are going to change the world. Cause that's all children are is the next generation. You'll be able to relate.

Cause you grew up during the pandemic. Yeah. Yeah. You are only 17. Yeah. I like forget that a lot. I just hang around. Did you get to go to prom?

Uh, no, actually it was like during the pandemic and it was really fucking sad. But I've just been hanging around like a lot of older people recently. And I do forget my age sometimes. And it's just just like i need to like slow down and like also y'all give me like hella fucking drugs it's like weird like my brain doesn't even develop and we'd rather have you do it at home than do it with like people we don't know i'm not we don't want you at some random house just like doing pills and shit yeah we want you doing it here with us yeah we'd rather you take a perk and i want a perk so fucking bad please the wallflowers be like you're stalking guys the wallflowers be like

don't even like fucking no one cares because what you said i want a perk so bad and i said the wallflowers be like oh my god that sucks the perks for being a wallflower yeah i just got the perks of being a wallflower yeah thank you thank you guys so y'all know that feeling no like when you get home and like you didn't have to go to the bathroom but like you're walking up the stairs to your apartment or like you're walking through the garage door and like your body like senses somehow senses that like bathroom nearby i need to like unload like my piss now or i'll die like y'all have had that yeah there's a name for it it's called the latch key incont um that's not the word i just have a typo but both words have a typo so it might be

incontinence it's latchkey incontinence maybe i could be wrong but there is that is like a universal experience for everyone where they like it's like something to do with like your mind like understanding that unlocking the door and walking up these steps and smelling this scent all means that there's a bathroom nearby that you're comfortable in and it's just like let's fucking evacuate now all that reminds me of is that video of that lady who's like anybody else's baby notice when they get back home and it's like her going down her driveway that's like cobblestone and like bumps the baby waking up but it's because it's like that's the thing i was talking about earlier the mom like uh uh mom it starts with a d the mother delusion no no no no no um fuck motherfucker i know we're

talking like how they think their baby is the cutest but they also think their baby is like the smartest yeah yeah what is that word someone like leave it in the comments because it's gonna drive me fucking insane. You were not going to check the comments for that shit. I literally will. Oh, I'll look it up for you right now, Drew. I'll look it up right now. Thank you.

It's like dissonance. Is it mother's dissonance? I don't know. I think dissonance is like... Like cognitive dissonance? Cognitive dissonance, I think, is when you, like, detach yourself from something. So I don't think it's mother's dissonance. Well, maybe Drew's mother's dissonance. Well, maybe Drew's mom had dissonance.

Probably she had to give it to herself because she was looking at that thing. She was so scared of me. She had to disconnect. That's why there's a lock outside of your door. Your mom planted it because she was like, he'll know he's home. Yeah. They still,

every once in a while will just lock me in my room when I'm sleeping, which is so incredibly dangerous. Jump out the window if all else fails it's only the second whatever helps them sleep comfortably at night sure um your parents lock you in the house yeah and you do i mean you deserve it so i get like i just had to take notes from them because i was like i honestly agree like and share take notes um i've never been to a Walmart. Oh, you would know a lot about a Walmart. I don't know anything, actually. You would know a lot about a Walmart.

You seem like a Walmart expert. Justin Bieber. Walmart Justin Bieber. Okay. I've had this note taken down for literally months. Stop reading my notes i'm literally not i'm just like my caveman brain sees an iphone screen and i'm just staring at it like open night like practicing for school like stop reading my notes i see you're wondering i'm

literally doing what i do when i go to a restaurant i see a menu like words mean nothing and i'm just looking at something because my eyes are trying to like find something to entertain me because i'm so used to looking at something yeah when you go to like dinner with like a new person and y'all are still like trying to figure each other out and like sniffing each other's asses like just seeing what type of person they are like i do that only when i'm doing that no no matter who i go to a restaurant i will look at the menu and not look at it like i can't read it no when i'm like if i don't know the person and we're just like learning who we are like learning a lot about each other like i'll look at the menu as like this like safety barrier like a buffer yeah it's like a buffer to the conversation so i can like plan

in my head how i'm gonna respond and what person i'm gonna be because i'm a fucking psycho i'm a fucking psycho no i thought i would fucking date someone i'm a fucking psycho. No, I can't. Who thought I would fucking date someone? I'm a fucking psycho. That's you. I can literally change my personality on who I'm communicating with, and y'all are jealous. That's what you think is happening in your head. Like, that's how Drew is perceiving his social interactions, but, like, Drew is the same. I'm three steps ahead. He's the same person every time we're around new people. Like, I know the kind of person you are.

When I'm with you. Because I know the person I get to be when i'm with you but when i take meetings without you or i meet new people without you you don't know that i feel like you act like way more normal yeah like you tap into like a normal side you're not there to bounce off of yeah i have no buffer when i meet new people it's actually a big problem like it's a huge problem i will leave every social interaction being like damn i really dominated that room for no reason like well why did i do that um but it's okay because people love me actually everybody was replying to that close friends it was like do not change we love you like that oh i was like oh can i have sex with you no i thought salem was gonna reply to that I just thought I had like a female's intuition.

When did you start calling women female? No. But I've been meaning to talk about this for literally months. It's just been in my notes for like a long fucking time. Oh, wait, does this guy think I'm going to be meeting him at the door? Is this Grindr? Dude, the way you use your phone oh my god it's so so when i get the notification i'll let one of y'all know and then um if you wouldn't

mind but so i've been meaning to fucking talk about this for so goddamn long and it's just been in my notes and then we just never get to it and we might have already talked about it and i just am not remembering um but hamsters like literally hamsters like they're crazy okay they're like little pandas i'm actually gonna lose my fucking mind i think i'm like done. Now I'm actually starting to cry. Like what are we doing? No, no, no. I have tears in my eyes too. I'm starting to cry. I can't believe.

We both broke at the same time. No, I think that's it. Like we were done. The outro music plays. Oh, my God, dude. Like, I was like, I'm literally crying. Like, I'm quite literally crying. Like, I don't know what that just did to me,

but, like, that made me feel every, like, nerve in my body, and I, like, realized I was here. And I felt the fire behind me. And I just came to. You're welcome. I grounded you. No, but I just more meant how hamsters die really easily. OK, OK. Hamsters are the most abused pet ever.

I was going to say. People give them to a six-year-old and let them fucking grab them them and like throw them around no that's what i'm saying they're like little small pandas also if you look at them they like fall around and you know the videos are like pandas falling everywhere but what i recently found out and i'm sure everybody already knows this and this was already fucking commenting it because they want to like get to the fucking punchline quicker than me because they're so much better than me oh my god um oh the food is literally here oh my god man something's wrong with you um but hamsters literally hibernate they go into hibernation i didn't know that i know no one fucking knew that so like half of the time when kids thought they're yes when kids thought their hamsters were dead the

parents thought they were dead too. They were literally in hibernation and we all just buried our hamsters alive. Yes, I know. That literally just gagged Ray. Ray is scared. Did you have a hamster? I feel like you fully had a hamster.

And it was probably in hibernation. Mitch, you killed your hamster. Yeah. You used to feed it pencils? No, that's a vibe. To chew on the wood like i get it i get it yeah yeah yeah just not the lead it's for the teeth giving your hamster lead poisoning and being like oh yeah that's their famous snack uh but yeah so a lot of people just were killing their hamsters because they were in hibernation and they didn't realize it so a lot of y'all are murderers and if you're worried about your if you were going to hell or not you for sure are now because you literally buried a creature alive you're over the same

children who had hamsters when they were younger are like the equivalent to ipad babies does that make sense that's like that's like before there were ipads you would give your kid a hamster to go play with. Yeah. It was also like my parents' reasoning was to teach us that other things are alive and we have to respect that. We had fish. But we had fish and then my brothers poured three liters of Coke in their fish tank one day and the fish jumped out to survive and they just landed on the counter. But I saved them. Okay. And you won an won an award yeah and i was really fucking young i love it wait wait wait let me let me finish the hamster thing okay um you can get back on the couch one time

i like before school my mom and dad got really pissed at me and my sister because we were like neglecting our hamster as like a seven-year-old does like we weren't cleaning its cage properly like i know y'all's room smelled like fucking yeah i mean literally just straight up doo-doo factory it was hell and we were like um not taking care of it properly so our parents were like very adamant like clean this fucking critters cage right now or like you're grounded so like we started the cleaning process and like we put the hamster in the sink inside the cage with the door shut after we finished cleaning it because like we had to like clean the um the basin next and we just like

didn't have enough time before school because it was just like whatever um so we went to school and then we came home and um my cat had snuck into the bathroom of the where we were cleaning the hamster's cage and since the hamster cage was in the basin to like the sink the cat had accidentally turned on scorching hot water and it was on for literally like four hours and the hamster literally drowned inside the cage and my brother like walked in and was like you can't see this experience fear factor yes and they were like you can't my brother was like you literally cannot see this like you you don't you don't want to see this like don't come in here drew's childhood bathroom literally and my cat killed my fucking hamster and like it literally like it was in a cage like probably trying to escape like it was

literally so sad i literally like cried for months over that fucking hamster because i was like wow like this is my fault natural selection literally like don't be a stupid fucking hamster if you're gonna drown like challenge don't be born a hamster if you don't want to be drowned by Drew's cat yeah but we had a sucker fish um and it was fucking huge like are they called catfish or sucker like the ones that like they're called plecos stuck get stuck to the glass and they like clean the algae they're called plecos are they yeah um well we had one of those and it got really fucking big and it was humongous and it died while my dad was at work and like we when our fish would die we would like put them in the toilet and like sit over and be

like bye and like flush the toilet and i was like oh like we thought we were getting ahead of the curb and i was like oh we're gonna flush it it was humongous like it literally was the size like we could have eaten it like it was so big and we threw it in the toilet and we were like me and my little siblings were like oh like yeah it was one of those and we were like oh my god like rest in peace like we love you so much you were amazing and then we flushed the toilet bitch that shit got stuck in the fucking pipes and my dad came home and was like why is it the toilet working and we were like, um, I don't know.

Like, I don't know what happened. Like, we haven't done anything. And then my dad took off the pipes just to find our fish stuck in the pipes. And my dad was like, who the fuck flushed the fish? And I was like, murdered y'all's fish.

I was like, but you know, it was dead. As far as we were concerned, that shit was not moving for a long time. Dude, but if I was your dad, I would have been like,

oh wow, they killed my fucking fish yeah my dad was like why did y'all do that why didn't you wait till we get home and we were like we thought we were like getting ahead of it we didn't want it to stink that's sweet though um and then we all got in trouble because he had to replace a bunch of the pipes because he had to literally saw one of the pipes in half because it like the mouth of it got stuck to like the curve in the pipe so he like took it out and was trying to get it out, but it was like stuck in there.

Oh, that's so dark. That's so dark. And we all had to poop in the backyard. It was so weird. Okay. I do have a question for you. Did you ever like pray over your bed? Like, did you ever get on your knees and pray?

I think you just called me Drew, by the way. No, I said a question for you. No, you said, Drew, I have a question for you. No, I didn't. Literally, i swear to god did i actually have a question for you no no no i said dude or something no you said drew because i was jarred because i was like oh are you setting me up like you want me to ask you yeah i used to like get down and pray because i thought i was evil and i was going to hell because i was annoying i wrote a big note down because like i would get over my bed and pray because i thought i was evil and i was going to hell because i was annoying i wrote a big note down because like i would get over my bed and pray for just like real shit like pray for my family's health but then i would add in there like i want to break a bone like can you just like give me a cast like can you break can i break a bone so i can get a cast or like i kind of prayed

like that recently not for a broken bone but like i was like bored as fuck and i was like can i have a billion dollars or something i was like down bad i was like damn you know what fuck it like i'm down here and i literally got down at my bed like the bed i have now and i was like this is a good prayer like area and i like got down and i prayed every once in a while i'll do that yeah every now and then i'll pray when i have nothing else to give or to i'm like the love of my family and friends isn't doing it for me right now. I got to speak to a higher power. And it works. I wake up the next day good every time.

But I remember specifically this one time. This is so gross. I don't even want to fucking say it. Did you like, why did you? It's actually not gross. I just prayed to get pink eye because i was like in my head i was like pink eye is the most lit fucking disease to get because like i didn't know what it was at the time you didn't know it came from fucking doo-doo munch like it literally

came from doo-doo munch you weren't like sick as a dog but you got to stay home from school in my head so i was just like cool like i want pink kids came to school with pink eye at my school all the fucking time and they tried to hide it and they'd be like why would you not want to stay home with pink i like that most kids weren't like allowed to stay home because their parents had to work and whatnot so boring boring i got to stay home and eat chips and ride in the golf cart literally because like i grew up with like a single parent i was not allowed to stay home when i was sick so i would have to go to school i remember one time my dad thought i was lying and i literally had thrown up everywhere in the office i was like i'm not making myself throw up and he was like he was like did you kiss someone and i was like what are we talking about i

think i was in middle school and he was like i think you kissed someone and you got sick and i was like you think i kissed someone today and immediately got sick and started throwing up. The gestation period was like 20 minutes. I had the fastest moving metabolism ever, the fastest turnover ever. The most violent disease of all time. Yeah, and then my godfather was like, bruh, she did not kiss someone. Like, she's definitely gestic. And my dad was like, I don't know.

I don't know. I think she kissed someone. I was kissing bitches. You can't get like mono from kissing. That's how I learned like what like kissing was because we had to like be taught what mono was if you were like 20 and you got mono you need to go to jail you're too old before we move on from that i wanted to tell this really really fucking nasty story about how when i got pink eye i've probably already told it but it's been enough time and there's probably a bunch of new listeners but when I was really young I was I mean I still have them and they just never figured out why but

like I would get like really gnarly constipated and like it would be like painful like blockage and then I would also get like anytime I would eat I would get so nauseous that i would throw up like and this went on for like four months and i like lost a lot of weight my parents were no they literally don't know what it is but so they were like let's fucking go in and look so i got like a colonoscopy when i was like 12 or 13 and i didn't know this at the time my parents didn't know this but they also scheduled me for an endoscopy so colonoscopies up the ass endoscopies like down the throat and then i woke up from this uh procedure with like a feeding tube in my nose that went down to my stomach to like measure my bile and like acid

levels well anyways i woke up well don't answer your fucking prayers bitch you want to stay home from school that bad? I know, literally. And I had to carry, like, a pouch around that, like, measured. Like, when I would have to, like, click a button when I would eat. It was so nerdy. It's like waking up from the Matrix. Yeah, it was so nerdy.

It was so, like, so whatever. If I was in your school, I would have popped that fucking bag. Yeah, literally. No, it wasn't, like, a pouch. It was, like, a big electronic brick that I would, like. Oh, you had a pager. Yeah, yeah, literally. But it was huge, and I had to carry it around like a vouch it was like a big electronic brick oh you had a pager yeah yeah literally but it was huge and i had to carry it around like a fucking purse i was so embarrassed but um i like what you got in that wait wait listen listen listen i woke up from that procedure

with the gnarliest pink eye of my life meaning that they did not properly clean after my colonoscopy and gave me pink eye when they and i don't know if they use the same fucking tube or what but like that shit it was the gnarliest like pink i've ever had it was violent like i literally thought i was gonna go blind and my parents were like oh like must have been from the surgery and i was like like i was like wait that, I was like, wait, that's crazy. Someone off. And they literally, after touching your butt,

they fucking rubbed your eye. Yeah. Literally. They're like this annoying ass kid. Madeline farted in my pillow. Madeline farted in my pillow. I only got pink eye once. And it was when I got COVID.

And it was when that was like at the beginning of COVID, when they were like, Oh, if you like randomly get pink eye or a sty, it can, and you are sick at the same time it can be a sign of covid and i woke up with pink eye and then got a sty like the pink eye went away almost immediately and then it turned into a sty i have bad news it's because you farted on my pillow no i didn't fart

on your fucking pillow i shit inside of it i ripped it open and shit inside the fluffing and it's still in there it's just like no i got new pillows and i put my old pillows in your room so you've been sleeping on your shit that backfired that backfired like crazy um but back to praying i used to pray to be never mind we're moving on. You were using God for weird reasons. Oh. It's kind of dark. You better keep praying.

You better keep praying. It's kind of dark. We should start praying for that together. Like, tonight before we go to bed, we're on opposite sides of my bed, like, please, please, please. Well, since we're on, medical topics my new year's resolution yeah literally the same like unironically literally the same um but since we're on medical

shit um i really do think i have one really short leg and one like really long leg no you just walk like that i think one of my legs is like genuinely like a quarter or half of an inch. Did this stem from me saying you were hobbling around the house? I've always thought this. Like if you look back in my notes, I would just write it down randomly

because I was so like... I can't stop hobbling. Literally. And I do have like such like a strange like cadence to my step. And the only way I can explain it is that one of my legs is shorter than the other like by like a very small amount you spend too much time in your bed so

your body has to re-acclimate to walking every five days my spine is stretching back out um but yeah i just wanted to get that off my chest um because it's really dark wait drew do you not know that one of your legs is six inches shorter than the other no we put stilts on you every night so that you just wake up we take them off at night and then we put them back on one of my balls is shorter than the other but that's a classic man thing to be worried about yep yeah like when you're like nine and you're like fuck dude like my balls like i think i'm broken one of them is like longer than the other one and then you google it and you find out like it's normal it's normal you're just like after jimmy neutron

when anytime i watched the old cartoons we grew up watching i was like this is why i'm so fucking annoying like they were so goddamn annoying um but yeah dude that one fucking uh why was it a three-eyed monkey uh because it's like joe rogan is that actually joe rogan's company yeah are you lying hi i'm paul is joe rogan's company no it's not shut the fuck up okay the other white guy in the room clarified for me because i wouldn't have known that um no but you have a like a you have like a relative that's very young right yeah do they and they watch cartoons or what do they watch like i've been wondering shorts okay because they don't watch like spongebob and shit anymore right they do like oh really yeah i think young kids still like the biggest cartoon where do they watch it just on on tv dude i was watching like disney plus and stuff like carrie's like kids cartoons they also like direct tv like cable boxes and shit still run it but i was watching my nephew watch uh spongebob one the new spongebob is so fucking bricked it fucking sucks balls like it's

b it's horrible like don't even get me started but also like it it was so crazy because there would be like a qr code like permanently in the corner and then there would be like another little screen down here playing like an advertisement and then like another little screen would pop up halfway through the episode and play like another cartoon and then the corner down here would just have like a fucking cockroach run by like it was so weird and i was like damn dude like we are like down tremendously bad and it just reminded me of that like hyper reality like augmented reality video that like everyone was obsessed with for a little bit or it literally probably was just me but like

there's like this video where it shows you like what augmented reality is going to look like in a few years and it was just like really freaky but it's like 10 years old now like if you watch ren and stimpy it's crazy how slow the pacing of that show is. And like all those older cartoons that we grew up watching, the pacing is so slow. Even like the Looney Tunes from like 2009, like where it's like Daffy and Bugs Bunny are living together. I was watching that on the plane. Daffy Bunk was in Looney Tunes? Yeah.

They were always in Looney Tunes. They were Looney Tunes. But if you watch those now, like I was re-watching Ren and Stimpy because I was like, I loved it as a kid now like i was re-watching random stimby because i was like i loved it as a kid i want to re-watch it or even like pinky in the brain like all that older stuff we used to watch fucking shows it used to oh okay wow um terrible oh my god horrible okay what did you like to watch porn you watched porn when you were like six duh okay you didn't that's badass right no dude that's like that's like almost i i would even say that's child abuse that's cool i watched porn when i was six

okay you gotta start them young and macros loser that's why he's addicted to macro uh macro dosing porn now because he like was watching so much of it um but like the pacing of those shows is so slow compared to newer shows like if you watch like a newer kids cartoon something is happening every frame there's like a loud noise or like it's super colorful like think about cocomelon i will never forget like i know a woman who had a baby like last year and we were like oh it's when we were in the cabin and she she i was like genuinely just curious because i have a bunch of cousins who like baby cousins who watch coco melon and

shit and i was like oh does your baby watch coco melon and she said when she said this it literally changed my mind about children's cartoon and she was like i genuinely believe that letting your child watch something like coco melon is like giving your baby lsd before it even has like cognitive reality and your baby will be like anticipating that kind of like intense attention and like quickness forever and it's going to be debilitating and i'm like oh my god like i i do believe that to a certain extent but like there are some good children shows that i'm like damn like that's really it actually is, like, teaching kids something. And it's specifically Miss Rachel. Like, Miss Rachel, like, there is literally video proof of my sister's daughter, like, learning how to clap from the TV show that she's watching.

I mean, it's kind of like the idea, like, there's always been, like, Kurtz kurt the cowardly dog was not good for us like that show was so freakily like it was literally so like existentialism core for children and like things like that aren't necessarily inherently good for kids but there are shows like fucking blippy like the fact that that blippy guy got away with like shitting on someone putting putting it online and then just turning. No, we haven't talked about that yet. Yeah. Dude, Blippi literally did. There used to be this video going around of the Harlem Shake, but Blippi, who is a child show, like kids show, like host.

You know Blippi. You've seen him in walmart and shit he did the harlem shake challenge but then when the drop happened he him and his homie got butt ass naked and he had his homie spray him with shit out of his butt so there's video of blippy getting shit all over i screen saved it because blippy and his team do everything in their power to erase that video from the internet because it is really gnarly and it's like maybe the most horrifying and disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life and the fact that he's like a child show host is crazy to me but I believe also because I don't but I believe people could change but I don't think it comes

from like an actual real place of giving a fuck about teaching children anything because I remember when he's getting his fucking bag yeah literally I feel like that's the big problem is like we all know like now that children have so much access to media like it used to be reversed like you used to have to really have a craving and i want to be within children's education in media and entertainment and it was like so sparing that you were actually making something that was like teaching children something because nobody wanted to put money into it because there was this idea that kids shouldn't even be in front of the tv so why the fuck would you put money into it and now we all know that children literally have access to iphones and ipads by the time they're three years old so there's so much money

in putting a screen in front of a baby's face so so many people make children's content because the bag is endless because children also children's rewatch value like imagine how many times we were sitting and throwing on a vhs like 18 times in a row like bitch i would watch what is a vhs oh i think i keep forgetting you're 17 yeah i don't know what that shit so the vhs is like this old timey like idea of like it was kind of like film panels it was almost like you know boring give me an ipad yeah sorry give me my ipad okay i'll give it to you do you want do you actually need it now okay we'll cut yeah we have to cut for to get his ipad okay how old are you at this point 13 oh you're 13 drew regresses because i feel like a couple

years ago you were 16. He ages really slow. Okay. How does this sound? That sounds good. That sounds good. It sounds like the ocean waves crashing. How does this sound? That sounds good.

That sounds really good. Well, that's it for the Christmas episode. I hope you guys have an amazing holiday whatever you celebrate it you celebrate it to the fullest and get so drunk with your family and hopefully someone cries because that's what Christmas with your family is about somebody will cry and you will most likely be the therapist for your family

and if that's your job kudos you're doing the best you can if you're a boy hide in your room play on your ps5 fortnite don't interact with any of your family members because you're the fucking bro and you better get high as fuck and get scared of your whole family yes uh no genuinely enjoy your family time i think we need more family time am i the only one who thinks family is back in family is gonna be family is gonna be

family is gonna be back in a big way that's our trend forecast for 2024 i think family is back no literally though like it fucking better be um but let me do a drew psyop i only have one today oh my god wait we have one that's in the email oh really i think so um well i'll do this one um i put myself in your shoes and now my feet fucking stink that was good that was good all right oh wait here let's see y'all be eating lamb chops for attention them hoes taste like missing people y'all are eating lamb chops for attention them hoes taste like missing people

shout out Anissa A-N-N I-S-A Anissa period that is really fucking funny oh my god that's how I feel about like oh eat goat too

like that shit literally tastes like fucking dirt roads oh wait here's another one from janine janine janine before you gossip about me rub your coochie and sniff your hand sis wait wait this one's from janine before you gossip about me rub your coochie and sniff your hand, sis. Wait, wait. This one's from Janine. Before you gossip about me, rub your coochie and sniff your hand, sis, because you got bigger fish to fry. Apparently Joe Biden said that. Whoa.

Yeah. If Joe Biden said that, I would re-vote for him. Yeah. That's how Joe Biden can get my vote back. I really don't fuck with him right now, but I'm not kidding. If he got on the podium, I'd be like, fuck, I gotta give it to him. Guys guys i really do read your psyop corners i'm not gonna

read your middle and last names because i don't want to dox you but janine right yeah janine y'all shut up y'all y'all came in clutch um i feel like i found one that i wanted you to to read oh no i didn't one. I wanted to show you this that Tyrell showed me. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. Y'all like lobster? Are those isopods? No, they're lobster,

but somebody cut them up and tried to present them nicely, but they look like roaches. They're literally big ass roaches. We'll insert the picture for y'all. All right. Oh, wait. Here's some media of the week. I just did my media yesterday. Media of the week.

My media of the week is Telephone Line electric light orchestra folk song by the sundays um um um before the day breaks robin guttry guttry robin guttry and use your heart swv hey mine is a book this time boo spotify added audiobooks and you actually can use them now it was like for a long time you couldn't use them and i started listening to the year of magical thinking by joan didion oh i need to read that damn uh that shit's really fucking good i think i'm gonna listen to the song of achilles next because i'm like i heard a lot of good shit about that one and then norwegian wood by murakami um those are my three in rotation i also have homo deuce and homo sapiens in the log just because i love fucking those books so much should i go to like my very first

playlist like i have a playlist on um that i made like probably a decade ago at this point and it's oh let's do it waka flaka collard green schoolboy q a tale of two cities j cole i am a god blood on the leaves i'm in it i was obsessed with yeezus dude uh pipe it up migos oh my god azizi gibson this song i'm not gonna play it because we ran into copyright issues me and my homies we called us it was so cringy we called ourselves snoop squad and we would buy a bunch of snacks and then get inside one of our homies trucks and literally turn on his blue lights play that song on fucking repeat and get absolutely fucking obliterated on weed like literally get the highest we've ever been and then i would just like walk home because we were like smoking in this like section in my

neighborhood but they would have to drive home and i don't know how none of them fucking died because we were like zooted and fucking booted like it was scary boots well my first playlist on here isn't from that long ago because i started this account in like early 2020 and it's intimate erica de casier i can't say her name ever carnival the cardigans one thing amiri devotion by tirza lifetime by eve's tumor know who you are at every age cock two twins it's a bunch of cock two twins a bunch of slow dive catch the breeze it's like literally me trying to like set up like my Spotify with just songs I liked at the time and Kitty Kat by Beyonce. Mine is my next one is actually so advanced.

Oh, God, not that fucking song. But my next one is just called Literally. And it's Face Shopping, Sophie, Lemonade, Sophie, Vizee, Sophie, Ponyboy, Sophie, Blitz, Sophie, Hard, Sophie, MSMS, MSMS, MS, Sophie. sophie lemonade sophie visee sophie pony boy sophie blitz sophie hard sophie ms ms ms ms ms sophie then hey cutie and then a bunch of hannah diamond remember when we would listen to hannah diamond on soundcloud i fucking love hannah diamond hey cutie is one of the best hey cutie songs from that era well thank you guys so much for listening I hope you enjoyed

the last few days of this year and be safe peace and love on earth and more may all your wishes be granted unless they're evil hug your siblings

or your parents or whoever you're with this holiday extra tight and tell them you love them. Thank you. Bye. Outro Music