Emergency Intercom - we fired ky

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

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and free fast-streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit FlyPorter.com and actually enjoy economy. Hi! Oh my god! It's Friday! It's the correct day for uploading! Drew? Drew, we said we weren't going to talk about it on camera um we this no i it needs to be addressed um so there's been a part of us missing for the last six weeks or something like that and we thought uh like we we might just let it go and no

one will notice but yeah kai holds a big spot in all of our hearts um this is about kai but yeah um but yeah we we decided to go separate ways um we fired kai i know this is like a horrible like horrible timing for this to come out but like yeah kai is gone he's out of the picture no you fired him because you found out he went hooked up with somebody else even though you like said okay and we don't have hr and like what like like what literally like what i told you guys you guys shouldn't have been like romantically inclined if you were going to together. I said that like from the beginning. Well, once you do S with someone, you're spiritually connected.

That's not true because we have no connection. So now I'm gonna have to fire you. You can't fire me from the podcast. I'm firing you. Also, Kai isn't fired. He's like in the hallway, I'm pretty sure. Kai? You didn't fire him. You just said he can't be in the room anymore yeah

we were saying you're fine well he's been trying to fire you why um because you're like hooking up with people and you're blowing vape smoke in my face i know he did just walk into the kitchen and blow a cloud smoke at drew um yeah should we start the episode what were you guys talking about when i was in the bathroom no we were saying like you're gone you're out of here you're out of the picture are you like flirting with me isn't it's like no no it's been like a huge decision we've been thinking about we've been like we've been talking about this for a very long time i thought you were already gone but um

apparently you want to hook up with other fucking hoes oh is this about when you sat me down and said since you're fucking like hundreds of other people i can't work on the podcast i thought that was a joke no i was okay let's clear wait who was fucking hundreds of people drew are you because girl let's be honest kai was he was. He was. I was doing what you do. I was doing what you do. It's different. It's different. Oh, you can never do what the master does.

It's different. He's the master of his craft. Yeah, like I'm ran through, but I still look put together. You're ran through and look. You're ran through and you don't look put together. I'm ran through and I look perfect. You're falling apart from all the all the insertions you've had.

You've been having a lot of work done. We need to say that about people who are hooking up. Low key you are getting a lot of work done. You're getting a lot

of work done. You're getting work done. Alright guys end scene. Kai's not fired. That was improv. That was all funny improv. He's just been

traveling the world. Yeah he's been too cool for us. No, that's not true. You guys are my priority. Yeah. Oh, that's what you say. Yeah. No, you guys are my priority.

Hey. Yep. Yes. Not yep. Yes. But I just, I do want to say. No, no, no. Yep.

You said yep. You say yes. Yes. Papas and mamas. queen yes queen and yes daddy yes no yes say can you say good boy okay no just finish your pocket set good boy good boy um wow so much i've missed so much stuff i saw baby, and I've been saying that to people when I check out at groceries. I'll be like, good girl. You shouldn't be saying that to random strangers.

No, it's Trader Joe's. It's Trader Joe's workers. Oh, okay, yeah, they do all the same. They say it to me first. They say it to me first. They're all sluts. Anyways. Like, when did that start?

When did the, like, Trader Joe to whore pipeline start? Like, when did that become, like, a theory? Don't know. Is it just because all their workers are sexy? No, I think they're just trained to be nice. And we're existing in a loneliness epidemic, not just men, but women too. And when someone's nice to you, it's like, oh, wait. They want to have sex?

They want me. But I fall for that every time. I heard something that was like trader joe's business models they're trying to commodify the small town grocery store so like their aesthetic is like not super like it's not branded like a cvs and then they train people to treat patrons a southern bell basically yes yes it's the southern bell technique that actually is interesting because when i go to the grocery stores in granberry they they're all like chit-chatty, want to have a conversation. And I'm like, leave me the fuck alone.

I know, I will say yesterday I went grocery shopping and two people spoke to me. One, this guy saw me like he was a gay guy, so I let him speak to me. This older gay guy saw me getting pretzels and was asking about them. And like, I entertained the conversation by my head. I was like, you're old, fuck that. Kai hears gay guy saw me getting pretzels and was asking about them and like i entertained the conversation but in my head i was like you're all here's gay guy kai here's gay guy and laughs yeah well look you can't say yeah you gotta say yes yes daddy and mama stop that can't like i can't mama's and papa but he was asking me about the fucking pretzels and i just entertained it even though i was not in the mood and i was like in a rush i entertained it and then this older lady

was asking me to uh to grab some honey off the top shelf for her she was tall enough to grab it yeah her old ass was tall enough to grab it she was not my fucking type i just grabbed it for her and then 20 minutes later i'm not a narcissist like a literal narcissist thinking everybody wants her well no i don't actually think that you said that i didn't think that i did think she was just like a little loose because she asked me to grab the big or she had ran through because she asked me to grab the bigger container of honey i went to go grab that and she was like can you shut the fuck up for three goddamn fucking seconds damn yeah you should slap him or something hit me hit me hit me i can't feel my fucking face just hit me did they

like was that part in the movie just like they did drugs or some shit and they were like being freaky what they do smoke weed or something i don't i don't know what they might have done like nitrous oxide or some shit what are you guys talking about 13 13 oh i haven't seen that since i was hit me and it's like and like it was like a huge thing on tiktok fucking hit me i don't feel anything hit me um but the i went to go grab the bigger thing of honey because she was pointing at that one she was like no no a small one i grabbed her one small one honey because she was pointing at that one. She was like, no, no, no, a small one. I grabbed her one small one. And then she was like, actually, can you get me another one? And I was like, OK. So I grabbed her another one.

And then she asked me for another one. So she got three smaller ones instead of just the big one, which I'm whatever. But the point of this story is literally three minutes later in the next aisle, we were in the produce aisle and she comes around the corner and she slams into my car hard as fuck didn't say sorry didn't look at me and i was like oh my god i think she might just have dementia like she literally like turned the corner slammed into me looked at me and looked away and then started like inching closer and pushing my car out of the way with her cart without saying a word and i was like bitch i don't know if you forgot but i just fucking helped you

around the corner why are you like she's angry with the fucking carts now um so she was mad at me for helping tweaking out also like the entire time you were talking i realized every single word that comes out of anybody's mouth in my vicinity i can sexualize um i know it's crazy i know it's great it's really gnarly like you said like inches and i was like oh inches penis because i was okay we're getting a new tv but i wanted to measure the old tv um so i think it's 65 inches which is three drew penis links that's like a new unit of measure we're using your dick is that long wait how long is that it's like 21.5 inches or 20 21.33 but i round it's actually 21.66 yeah 21.66 so i round down um is that when it's you have a oh on soft um but yeah we you also said slams like her cart slams into you slams

like doing s um who says slams you said slams no i'm saying like who says that in a sexual content oh i slammed her ew y'all is that a thing this new fucking thing that like guys are saying that's absolutely like repulsive like you know like they have riz and they have huzz and they have all that shit bitch the new thing they're saying is splitting like oh i'd split that really like that's gross yeah and they're like talking about like the most what's crazy is i think drew somehow you interact with the straightest side of the internet because every time you bring up some stuff that like guys are talking about it really freaks me out you do who told you that i feel like you knew about

like mogging culture so long like a year before people were oh no i was i was tapped in no he knew about mewing way too early yeah no i was i was tapped the fuck into the like looks maxing culture because i just thought it was literally the most deranged funny thing i've ever seen in my life and the reason i found out about it was this kid Dylan Latham who is a part of the cookie verse who is also a part of Santa Cruz I think I know what that is

it's Chop Tows Chop Tows? what? no no no no no no you don't know you don't know Pow MB no no no I actually i don't want to know i like i feel like no i feel like i genuinely genuinely think these are things i should never hear like do you know what i mean sometimes like no vex bolts is a part of yay squad and yes vex bolts snuck into the

cookie verse lore he was sneaking in yeah i really i really i'm not kidding it feels like a world that i just shouldn't know exists it's like oh my god like i just it's a world no man over the age of 16 should know about and it's like really crazy because like i'm like so locked into this universe i even dm'd cookie king because i want to sneak into his lore i want to sneak into the lore but no the reason i found out about looks maxing hearing drew say that he dm'd cookie king no but and i'm sneaking into the lore i'm gonna be in season eight i'm gonna be in season eight yeah we're on season seven right now. What are you talking about? How are you on a season of what? It's the TikTok universe.

Y'all don't know Hillsbro Hills? No, it's not. Like, stop. Why do you have all that information in your head? What scares me is I genuinely do think drew's gonna be like dementia ridden really early no i'm gonna remember i'm so scared for the things you're gonna remember like you're only gonna remember the weirdest shit cookie king bro how can i as a 30 year old man get involved in this community dm zeta the eta well speaking of looks maxine you guys

are both looking very good. Very attractive. You guys both look like the Belle of the Ball. Thank you. You're welcome. And you look good. Okay. And you look great.

Did you get a haircut? Yeah, I get a haircut every month. It looks good. Every time you get a haircut, I can tell. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. You know I flinch.

The craziest part about me reacting like that is there are some of y'all who would have had to like bear the bravery of explaining what this is to one of your friends and that is probably exactly how they feel hearing about my well they're cousins and they fucked i mean no that's really still so nice to me i've never heard you make that sound before. I was also driving. And you know that billboard by our apartment in here? No. Like right on the corner over there.

I was, swear to God, I was like imagining because it's a big ass fucking billboard. And I was like, oh, a good billboard would be like, let cousins date or let cousins love. And it's just our pictures up there. And that's the only that's what the all the billboard is every time we're in the neighborhood or going to like like the areas we like to go around here imagine somebody has seen that like right before they got there and sees us like holding hands because we really hold hands and grab each other like we're a couple of yeah but my favorite thing oh we've been straight maxing like crazy. Yeah, in a crazy way. Wait, what were we doing in Whole Foods when we scared that guy? I don't remember.

We were like having a fake argument or I like said something to you. I was like, you need to leave me the fuck alone. Oh, I don't remember what it was. But yeah, we fake argue in public and it scares the shit out of people. But like we fake argue and then like we like hug and fake kiss and like It just looks like a chaotic toxic relationship Why do we like to cosplay is like crazy couple? I don't know. Well, it's because I like I love a crazy couple That's like not actually crazy, but just says crazy remarks to each other in public, that will always get me and entertain me.

And I just feel like I was born to entertain. So I like to like. You're an entertaining darling. You're a star. You're an entertaining darling. You're a star. Did that sound like old Hollywood? I did, yeah.

You're a star, darling. Did you guys see that a lot of people on the internet think that I look like Elio? Elio from Call Me By Your Name? No no you don't have to send me a picture i know well just look so they drew this beautiful drawing and then the comment the top comment says that's kai newman guy that does not mean you look you look like the shitty drawing of elio i think no they're saying i. You took that with grace. I will say you took that like a jam.

Being called a handsome movie star lookalike? Yeah. Being called Timothee Chalamet in your way? You're like the hyperpigmentation drawing? Hyperpigmentation? That's Kai. Oh. I want like a kid to draw an ugly portrait of me so i can see it and hold it why are you crying

bro oh my fucking god yeah well hey i looked up i looked down at my phone and then i looked back up and you're fucking crying what's what's just is it the tiktok ban they're banning red dye 30 they're ready they're banning redye 3 Wait are they actually? They hit the fucking Pentagon Wait did it go through? 2027 they're banning Red Dye 3 Oh my god you have so much time This is my 9-11

This is my 9-11 They hit the fucking Pentagon Give me my Red Dye They hit the fucking pentagon uh yeah they they're taking it i would fucking hope in two years your ass is not eating red 40 anymore because you're gonna learn a lot of bad less you're gonna learn a lot of scary my hemorrhoids i don't have hemorrhoids but i like to say i have hemorrhoids but i'm like in a way manifesting hemorrhoids and i do not want him i've never had hemorrhoids and i've always like been convinced i do but i didn't even know

they existed until i met like my guy friends and every guy i know has had a bunch of hemorrhoids so now just my tendency is i've never had one but have you ever had a fisher who has a had a fisher there here or there like I'm not, no comment. Everyone's dropped a big load. Everyone's dropped a huge hard load before. Everyone has had, yeah. What did you say? A huge dry load? A huge stinky load.

No, a huge hard load. A really painful thing is like when you're constipated and you have the big dry log and you push it out and it's like, it's very dense. Like how do we end up talking about shit i know we need to shut the fuck up we need to talk about important stuff like the tiktok ban y'all bitch i i don't believe it see i wrote all of the things i wanted to talk about either i don't i don't think it's gonna happen i wrote all the things i wanted to talk about i genuinely i don't believe it either but if it does get banned like earth shattering heartbreaking fundamentally changing like like we still exist in the wild wild west

of the internet even if it doesn't feel like it and this sets a precedent where it's like oh my god like they can just take whatever the fuck they want from us and also y'all i everybody i give a chance you better hope i don't give you a fucking second chance because every single person I give a second chance squanders it. Mark Zuckerberg, count your fucking days. You and Elon Musk are going to end up in the same fucking place together if I get my hands on y'all. They're such like little dick assholes. Like they just have like his stupid fucking perm. Like, why are you perming your hair in your fucking 40s?

They also both feel like they have like vaginal type fupas. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, literally. Like, I just know, like, if you got that fat, like, kuchima bob, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I feel like they have that. They both have like concave chest or like, oh, dude, I don't know. Hey, we want to take a break for one of today's sponsors, Quince.

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Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash intercom, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash intercom to start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.com slash intercom. Cha-ching! They're just disgusting and fucking ugly and take that fucking gold chain off you freak bitch i don't give a fuck if it has sentimental value oh like my child gave it to me you fucking pervert like it's all his fault he's a fucking perv like literally he's a perv they're fucking nasty bro i want so badly i would pay any amount of money to have them both like put in

velcro suits and like launched on a machine onto a target. And then everybody gets to throw like something at them. Yeah. I would throw bricks. Tomatoes. Cinder blocks. Oh, I would throw.

Okay. So here would be the order. We strap Elon and Mark Zuckerberg up to walls. We start with tomatoes. No, no, no. We start with water balloons that have like a bit of gelatin in the water we start with that it's gonna be cold water like jello shots we start with that then we do cold mushy tomatoes do that then we do balloons like but more so like condoms something that it

can like snap if it's like overfilled we fill it with powder a powdered sugar we throw that we leave them outside overnight so they get covered in ants all night and then in the morning we come and we use a power hose that's made for taking mold off of concrete and we just spray them down spray their fucking rip their first layer of skin off and they get to live but that's just like punishment i want to cover them in bees i think so i'm imagining we build like a big diving board and we put them at the top and then there's this huge like body of liquid and then i'm like i i walk into it i'm like look like all you're gonna do is dive into this and then they dive in and then it's non-newtonian so like since i walked through it very slowly they feel safe to dive in and then when they hit it

it's basically just concrete and they explode that is terminal velocity wow okay um but everything i wrote that i wanted to talk about about the tiktok ban um has already been said a million times by now and i wrote it all like three days ago so whatever i don't know why I'm saying this, but... They hacked his Neuralink. He passed his... I love Elon Musk. No, it's like they're like, I love Elon Musk. No, the way that they thought banning this app... Okay, let me back it up a little bit.

China government. Hey. They thought they. Hey. Hey. Hey. No, but China and America. I think all the smoke in LA has really gotten to us.

Yeah, it's rotted our brains china and america have worked very hard over the last 30 50 60 80 decades to get us to hate each other like they want us to hate each other they don't want us united they want us to hate each other through propaganda whatever the fuck it is um in banning tiktok they wanted us to like be separated even further they said it was a data issue like da da da da we all know why it's getting banned but it's hilarious that in doing so they've like kind of united china and american people like with this red note app on my iphone right now learning Mandarin. I didn't know that many people could speak Mandarin.

Isn't that like the hardest language to learn? Yeah. That some of y'all need to be careful because it's showing the tax bracket you grew up in. Because some of y'all are a little too young to know Mandarin. I'm saying that like people don't have fucking free will and actual like academic access

and duolingo exists, guess i think china's cool i want i love china i really want a uh a yang wang u9 it's like oh you've been talking about this yeah it's like an electric supercar that they built oh i do remember you talking about that i just want to go to china because it sounds lit as fuck like it sounds pretty i have friends who have gone and they all say it's pretty and i want to go. Oh my God, the next brand trip, like fuck all that Turks and Caicos shit. Who is taking me to China? But no, I actually can't believe so many people know Mandarin because I barely know Spanish anymore and it is so impressive and maybe I'm just jealous. I'm jealous of people. What? I've been practicing Mandarin. No, you haven't. I literally have, unironically.

Then fucking speak it. No, give me your phone because I feel like you're going to just look something up. That sounded perfect. Yeah, what did you say? I said, I can't remember all of it, but basically I said I want to have sex with... Wait, how did you do that? Like, when did you learn that?

I'm so confused. I've been learning Mandarin in Swahili. Do you know Swahili? Yes. Okay. Okay, prove it. Yeah, because I remember him trying to learn Swahili. He said that he was going to learn it in a month and he did Duolingo for a week.

One of those things that he said that obviously he was never going to follow through with. Yeah. Oh, my fucking God. Y'all are so annoying oh my god y'all are so annoying like y'all are so annoying should i try okay also like if you're not actually speaking mandarin i hope you know that's like fucked up oh wow the liberals here the liberals go again you can't even speak a language okay well that's already getting canceled let me try let me try

oh what'd you say Let me try. Let me try. I'm so excited to be back on the show. I left for a while. Seeing your cute faces is so great. Oh, what'd you say? I said that I'm just happy to be back. And that I'm happy to see you guys. I feel like that's not what you said. Why are you not impressed when I do it? Well, because you're just like this guy with a phone who uses it and like, I don't know.

But that's hard. It's hard to learn. You're a guy with a phone who like uses it. And like, I don't know. But that's hard. It's hard to learn. You're a guy with a phone with crypto. Yeah, literally. You just like I feel like you're on the Internet like that. It's like not that shocking to me. It's still impressive that I know languages. You know what is really fucked up about me when.

That was a good guy. When random white guys know crazy like random languages, I don't find it impressive. I actually usually find it extremely annoying. I'm like, oh, oh okay i'm so sure wait that one white guy that goes to like chinatown and speaks mandarin and everybody's impressive because he's just he's very polite i love the reactions of the people like so much and there's one where he's like getting uh like a pedicure or something and they're like talking about his toes and they're like nasty like they're like nasty fucking gross white people toes or whatever the fuck they say and then he clocks them and is like starts speaking the language wait what does he say back i don't

know i don't remember he's like you stupid fucking bitch no i hope not uh no i think he just says something in mandarin random and then they're like, he can, he understands us. I think we were the kind of people who that is, how the episode, that video ended and we were just mentioning casually like, oh, it's a really funny video. You guys should go watch it. And then they went and watched it

and somebody got kicked in the face. I, the people who watch like a lot of violent videos really scare me. And that's all I'll say. That is coming from somebody who watches murder documentaries, but there's one thing to watch like a, like a crime investigation or something, which I don't do do as often anymore i'm back out of the dark trade update

trade update trade update read all about it read all about it wait hold on i'm et i'm extra i'm an alien read all about it read all about it it's like the news i'm et i'm an alien i'm extra i like okay actually i'm so sorry to interrupt but i have to get this out the thing that really actually annoys me about someone like elon musk or mark zuckerberg is if i had that kind of money and power what i would really be doing is putting rayban's snap Snapchat glasses on a handful of people and watching their days and then paying somebody an absurd amount of money to do super cuts of those wait I have a documentary like this at night and just watch their updated days I have a documentary idea like this mine's way darker and I don't want to get into it but no mine is fun I've told both

of y'all about it mine is like fun though like i want like fun trade update trade update um y'all the trade in question not the phony which i found out he had made a video talking about our taste being similar in men and that he wanted to see my twitter i don't have one um but he wanted to see my Twitter because Twitter is all porn. Yeah, to see if we have the same taste. I'm assuming that's what he was saying. But he left a comment because I commented, like, my trade, because he made a video, like, responding.

And I was like, my trade. And he said something so funny. He was like, if Drew, no. If Inya, yes. Yay! Yay! Come over. something so funny he was like if drew no if inya yes come over i have space in my bed for you yeah but basically i'll give you the brief synopsis because it's all i talk about now and everybody's so tired and bored of it but i'm not i love it it's like watching sex in the city for the first time i don't like hearing about this i think we should just move on you want a job or not you're so jealous i'm not jealous i'm just

you talk about a lot it's like okay great like he's awesome he's handsome whatever you're not gonna hit you anymore and you saw a picture of him too i want to see a picture i haven't seen a picture i'll show you after um but basically i had more in the loss of him because I decided I'm not texting him first. I will never. I will literally rather never text him again than me have to text him first one more fucking time. And granted, he has texted me first several times. But the last like three times we spoke, he didn't text me first. I was like, fuck you.

Like, we're done. So I didn't message him. Two days go past. And I was like, fuck you. Like, we're done. So I didn't message him. Two days go past. And I was like, fuck. I actually like, I actually think he doesn't give a shit about me. Because if you're confused, what? He's not interested. Yeah.

Where did you hear that? I don't know. I don't think that's necessarily. I literally don't know where I heard it. Also, it's not really good advice no i think it is because like literally like you if you're confused like you should know if someone likes you off rip but also i give off this like weird mysterious creepy energy and i think he's terrified of me i'm like literally creepy to him bro but um you're saying it like you're texting

him like what's the temperature well no i almost asked i want to come in i almost asked him if he watches true crime stories but then i got in my head and i was like wait because we're watching the jinx and i was like oh we can talk about the jinx but then i was like wait actually um i don't want to bring up true crime because like we don't know each other and it's weird if someone's like i don't know i just get him you're overthinking he's been overthinking every step i'm just watching somebody with like intense paranoia and anxiety and like trying to navigate a crush but but also we're just so opposite and you i say this all the time but you can't ask me for advice because the way i text people who i like like i don't give a fuck what are you just gonna not like me anymore okay fine this is

my first crush we have to keep that in mind this is my first crush but i didn't text him he didn't text me for like two days and i was like really sad i was like fuck dude i actually like don't think he gives a shit about me he never cared about me he just wanted my body he doesn't give a fuck about me well he texted me back first y'all he asked me how i was doing because of the fires he texted me back has your crush grown since the last time no it's only shrunk but it's shrinking it's shrinking shrinking but it's gonna be like a black hole where eventually it shrinks and the matter falls upon itself and it explodes out that's how i've been thinking about it or but i still do the first thing i think about in the morning is him and the last thing i think about before going to bed

when celestial bodies collide they create universes i'm scared to have sex with him again after developing this crush because my penis is not gonna work also have you ever like had like sex with somebody who you really had a crush on? No. Oh my God. People who have had really big crushes on me have had sex with me. Wow. Well, that was really bad. Also, that's a beast of its own. That must be like so awesome.

I don't think anybody I've had sex with liked me more than I liked them. I don't think anyone I've ever liked has liked me more than I like them. You know, that's impossible. You have like 3,000 bodies. You ran through. Don't air me out like that. Also, I've gotten it down because in the 10-year gap, it goes down. So it's now at...

Plus your body sheds its layer of skin. 2,648. All of the cells in your body replace themselves after seven years. So those bodies in the past seven years... That's a really good point. They don't count. They don't give a fuck give a fuck they don't give a fuck three thousand bodies three thousand bodies isn't that much it really is not like that's not bad she's not gonna bang you bro dude no i'm not saying that i'm just saying you're nervous

blushing i'm not nervous i'm not blushing uh what else did you crush dude i'm not saying that i was just right right no i just don't think that we should shame body count wait what did you say recently in an episode you said something so stupid oh that would be perfect for this moment but i'm not gonna remember and i don't know why i just interjected because i hate when i do that too well i think we should go we should go silent until we figure it out also last night i have this hat on because last night when i was making myself a little snack um i flung hot sugar at my face and look oh it's bad it's bad oh my god she has third degree burns kai come kiss it it burned like all my skin off and immediately

it burned my skin off and i did something so stupid because the sugar not only flung on my face but it stayed there for a second because i had all this stuff in my hand no that fucking tore that was that was actually that went crazy and use a tongue hulu wait but i'm not done talking about my crush yeah no get back to it actually i am done oh really basically i make him text me first now and he does you know what it is is you just haven't survived like a hay scenario like the thing is i haven't gotten through y'all need to keep in mind the hey scenario is the least of my worries in terms of embarrassing romantic endeavors like i genuinely from the beginning of being my god i curved inya and friend zoned her so hard and you weren't you

weren't the first and you aren't gonna be the last because like damn like because like the thing is i am very aware that i'm like a pretty girl whatever i'm fun i'm interesting i am batshit crazy like that like that i think everyone in my life can attest to i am batshit crazy my priorities are really not in any romantic person so everybody who dates me has to battle you look batshit crazy right now too. Like you're like, I'm bat shit crazy. No, I have been feeling like so insane the past three weeks. Like so insane. A lot has been going on. I want to, I just, I really need to go to the middle of America and find like a derby car park thing. I'm driving the boat boat i'm driving the derby

car i want to just crash a car like i want it to be a safe scenario but like my body feels like it needs to just like blast a song of my choice and just like my dream is to buy a like a thousand dollar car and crash it no but i want it to be like safety modded out because i'm not gonna die like that come on like oh you want to be in it you know i'm saying i want to drive it but I want it to be like safety modded out because I'm not gonna die like that come on like oh you want to be in it you know I'm saying I want to drive it but I want it to be like modded out that like there's foam cushioning all around me so like at worst I'll feel like a blow to my chest you know what I feel like one of the most cathartic things is you know people are like I was in this insane crash and my car flipped over but I'm fine yeah that feels like a really cool experience to be okay and it's like spinning like you're upside down yeah it's spinning on the roof of the car and ew i would

really hate for somebody to find me upside down like your seat belt's not working like what do you mean i'm just hanging upside down and i need like my seat belt you have like little cuts on your face don't cut me off and i have to be like like fall on my head the jaws of life like like it's really dramatic for nothing i mean that was my new year's resolution was to get in a car crash this year one of them was to get in a car crash but not in like a deadly car because you can't say that because you don't drive enough i'm always driving when you're in a car but i even get hit by a car crossing the street. One time I was parked in San Francisco. I was with my friend.

And he was dropping me off. And then a car hit us at like 80 miles an hour. And we were parked on one of the really steep hills in San Francisco. And the car flipped over. It hit us. And then it shot down the hill. And it flipped over like four times. Y'all were walking hill and it flipped over y'all got hit like walking y'all were walking we were in the car oh but it smashed into our car and then it flipped

rolled down the hill and then the guy just got out and said i ran up to him to like get a photo of the thing and i was like are you good and he was like i just need to go to sleep like i just don't want my boss to find out about this it was so weird or did the hospital come so i was like i just need to go to sleep like i just don't want my boss to find out about this it was so weird or did the hospital come so i was like okay wait here yeah no the hospital came no i hospital i was in front of my house at the time and i went inside to get water with my friend that was parked with me i can't believe you lived in san francisco i know that's so good here okay that first of all homophobic no no i mean it's literally it's literally gay you're gay you're gay i didn't even think about it in like theory you are the

homophobic one because why are you so offended at being yeah that's a good point that's a good point and i'm gonna i'm gonna think about you'll just have to kiss me later you'll just have to kiss me okay wait sorry we broke up whatever Sorry. Keep going. Whatever. Sorry for being manipulative. Okay. We went inside to drink water. Then when we came back out, the guy drove the car off. No way. When we were inside, we were drinking water. We were going to like come back out because I don't know. We were just like, let's just go inside for a second.

And then when we were inside, we heard the car start and it like drove off. What? I don't know. I mean, I ended up like reporting it and we got like physical therapy out of it but it was like some weird thing i ended up being this guy who worked for like this rich tech person and would like this was like the seventh time it had happened oh my god where he was like his assistant he would like do xanax and drive and it was his his boss's car or his it was his boss's

car oh hell no i would be like i want to go to sleep too let me go to sleep for a long long time i want to be in a coma please um have y'all seen that video also that way that just reminded me of when you and orion took my car and orion had already gotten into a car accident my car and then i let them take it to san francisco and they thought they got hit and they were talking about if they brought my car back and it was like flintstones i literally was sobbing crying i don't i've never laughed that hard in my life and i truly it wasn't that funny no well also the imagery of like me standing on the front porch and y'all coming up in the car and the wheel is like yeah what was the thing that happened with orion's car where there was like that security oh my god i forget what it was we haven't i've

always asked orion for it but she'll never send it to me okay we should like save on to that story because we want to have orion on again so we'll tell that story because that shit is so fucking just look out me and orion got in a car crash and it's quite literally the funniest security cam footage of all time like the silent films that cut it and they're like but why yeah that it's them it's so fucking funny but oh that's awkward i was gonna say um have y'all seen that video of that truck truck that gets in the tornado and it flips and rolls over and all that shit? It happened like probably five years ago. I need to see it.

But it gets hit by a tornado. It rolls a bunch and then just drives away. It's like the greatest ad ever. I'd be honestly lit. If I got rolled around by a tornado but my car and I was fine like yes I would drive away actually no could I make any money off of that situation if I stay okay back to the wild weather uh out of Texas following a tornado outbreak folks this is video you're looking at from Elgin just east of Austin watch as a twister lifts a pickup off the ground spinning it around and then landing it

back on its wheels take another look okay if that's not enough, the driver continues down the road as if nothing even happened. You wanted to... Driving off. It didn't even show it fucking driving off. I mean, I believe it. I believe you, Drew. I believe you. Pissed me off, but it was a Texas teen and he got $15,000.

Oh, okay. Then I would stay. I'd pay the consumption. Good to know. Who pays the money for the tornado? I think it was like... The fucking state. I think it was the car company

because they like... It was like the greatest ad for them ever. Because like their car can get hit by... They only split him 15K. Now it's not a good option. True. I want more. I could have died.

Because that's at least like a $3 million budget commercial. Yeah. So they saved $3 million. That's how they saved so much money on editors speaking of cars yeah literally because ellen ellen degeneres saved so much money on editors because or saved so much money because she hired she she does all the editing for the show herself but um oh you know that like hoodie that ellen and jay-z wear that has like the

bosquiat painting on it i think it's a off-white and all of like the conspiracy freakazoids like uh talk about it like it's like if you know this symbol like and what it means you would be shocked and it's like just pictures of ellen and other celebrities wearing that hoodie i want it so fucking bad i actually don't know what hoodie you're talking about it's just like a bosquiat painting like it bosquiat like a state collab with off-white and there's like this little creepy bosquiat painting right here oh maybe i have seen it and it looked it does look kind of demonic but something that's legitimately been pissing me the off off recently, like actually driving me insane is why the fuck are the speed limits 50 miles per hour, but my car can go 150 miles per hour?

Like literally, what is the point of making my car go that fast or making the speed limits that low if my car can go that fast? Yeah, I don't really understand it either. Also, but that's why I don't limits that low if my car can go that fast yeah i don't really understand it either also that but that's why i don't understand people who want sports cars that go like why would i ever need my car to go 300 miles per hour like okay so i can drive in the salt flats like cool that's so fun do you need a car that fast to drive in the salt flats no but you can drive that fast in the salt flats that's where they set all the world records for land speed i can't believe that's like a thing that gets it's really cool there's this really awesome documentary about like a motorcycle is it dangerous to drive that fast even on like flat area though yeah i feel like there could be like a because in the salt flats there's like

little pockets where the water like erodes the salt away and then it gets covered yeah exactly and you don't see it yeah you're if you're going 300 miles and you hit that it's like not in a yang wang yang wang that is fucking insane also yang wang literally sounds like the name of like a beauty influencer like it sounds like a guy who does his makeup yeah like rcl beauty i feel like cars can go that fast because i've always in my head rationalized of like if you aren't in an emergency situation and you have to like drive really fast around i don't know i'm like that's for me emergency situation is like when we pulled up today to film the episode i saw kai and i felt like i had to put my car oh speaking of emergency

sit you fucking way shin sit you fucking way i was perving on me when had to put my car into a corner. Oh, speaking of emergency situation. Situation. I was perving on me when I was in my car. I was just filming you. Look at this creepy video. This isn't creepy. He's a little creepy, y'all. I was just filming you. We've become obsessed with saying aw.

Ew, why are you breathing so hard? Does my jawline look good in this? I'm just filming him. Why were you filming him? I'm so ugly when I'm not on camera. To add it to the database of videos that I have of you guys. Because you guys just look so cute when you don't know that someone's filming you. I want you guys to see what the world sees.

I never want to see what the world sees. Actually, I decided like I think I'm going to get rid of all my mirrors and get rid of my phone. And move to the woods and die. Okay, we are back. Wait, I'm going to take an off guard photo of Kai. There we go. Got it. Oh, Kai, this is actually so cute.

Really? Yes, you look so cute. Let me see yes you look so cute let me see that's not cool that's actually that is weirdly enough the lighting your backlit but like that photo can i see it again because i feel like the lighting was really good even though it's backlit i was it's one of the most impressive photos like photographs i've ever seen i know i'm like low-key a photographer i can capture someone's essence perfectly this looks just like him just they're like snap that's real life this is real life really no posing that you're saying i actually look good because i'll put it on on my main yeah you should you should main feed this this is a good photo of you and you guys aren't fucking with me no you look so moisturized and your teeth are really white you got really white teeth you got that that'd be a smile honestly i trust you guys i trust you guys i don't i don't

trust my own image of myself so i trust you guys okay then send me that well we've been saying y'all this is so fucking funny before i got i before i wrote the trade update i took a note saying i've been rejected I'm so fucking dramatic. I didn't know it was possible. I would love to read your fucking journals right now. They're gnarly. Like, they're so psychopathic. Like, they're really intense.

Well, my car story. Have I told the story about me crashing the car when I was 15? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the hit and run. Yeah, the yeah, yeah. Like the hit and run. Yeah, the hit and run, the Starbucks hit and run. Yeah. That one isn't that funny. But I'll tell that one a different time

if actually people want to hear it because it is a funny story. But the one I was just thinking of is one time when we were driving home from school, me and my whole family were in the car or we were driving to school because it was like 7 a.m. And this tiny like Toyota Camryry it was a gold color just like ran through a red light and t-boned somebody who was

right in front of us and i am not kidding 12 high schoolers jumped out of the car and it felt like i was actually watching a clown car because it was a tiny like 1996 camry and 12 big ass teenagers got out and ran all different directions. And it turned out that it was a bunch of eighth graders from my school who had taken their mom's car to school. And they were like, just listening to a bunch of music. And this kid had gone around and picked up all his friends and were like, all laughing, like, dude, just kidding. Just kidding. We can all fit. And they were all in there, like laying on top of each other. And they weren't paying attention because they were too busy just like laughing. They hit this car.

Nobody got injured, but all of them ran out. And just the one kid who I knew, who I went to YMCA with, was left standing at the car. And I just like, we looked and my dad was like, oh my God, these kids are crazy. And we were like, yeah, they're so crazy. But they were like all of our friends. They're free too. Have I told you all my car crash story? Well, I have two.

So one of them, I was getting Slurpees from racetrack and we were, we had just gotten. That's your first problem is getting Slurpees from racetrack. We would go to the YMCA and then we'd, it was like across the street. And then we would drive, uh, my friend's dad would drive us across the street and we were drinking Slurpees and, and uh we had small cups of slurpees but they had really long straws in them because they only had long straws and we were both sipping our slurpees um as we were rear-ended and we both deep-throated our slurpee straws and cut the back of our throats like oh wait also i just remembered another car crash story which was a very very sure sign

of me from a young age having ocd but the first car accident i remember being in i had it was my first day second grade my mom picked me up i was in the front seat i didn't put a seatbelt on and i was talking mad shit about my new t-shirt because I thought she was a fucking bitch and her name was like Miss Adams or some shit and she was a bitch it was literally like she was evil version of Mrs. Frizzle from that one fucking show but like now looking back she was very cute because there were times where she was very nice but the first day of school I was talking mad shit about her and then we got into a car crash and since i didn't have my seat belt on i shot into like the foot space because i was a tiny person and i shot into the foot space i twisted my ankle and i was i never talked shit about her for the rest of the year even though she was so mean to me if i was convinced that talking about her made my mom crash

the car karma so i was like i can't talk bad about her anymore because she's like a witch or something. The last car crash story I'll tell is I was driving in Granbury and we were going down, you know, the big road by like, like, you know, HEBs here where I worked is here. We were going down that road and there were like, no, i'm not even gonna tell it okay i'm not gonna tell it we don't deserve it no y'all don't get it y'all will never understand it

i was just gonna lie and say hit a bunch of bikers but i was like honestly that's not funny but the last thing i'll bring up and this was diabolical this was hurtful y'all are evil for doing this to me but i saw the video and it was like uh when they're an ugly type of hot and it was like this girl like like when they're an ugly type of hot um i got tagged in that 30 plus times and there was a comment saying oh this is drew phillips that had 3 000 likes an ugly type of hot that is mean you are not an ugly type of hot you are not ugly hot like i think you are just hot you are i'll take the hot you honestly aren't yeah drop the ugly you're just purely hot um well i need to find this screenshot because i saw something like that of me recently that made me crack d fuck up um oh it was like going into the new year with an anya umantra mindset and it was like a slideshow of a bunch of really really cute pictures and

like just my vibe like aesthetically and then the top comment was isn't she like super sad yeah yeah not anymore it's 2025 exactly i'm so happy and you're so happy actually you have been really happy recently i have been like the last week there was a rough two weeks when we got back. Have you been happy the last week? No. Actually, oh. Well, I was going to say, I've also been happy. I've been making ends meet in terms of emotional. I'm not bragging. I'm usually sad.

I'm usually hopeless. When we're sad, you have to be sad. You can, and when we're happy, you have to be sad. What? You need to stay sad. Dude. No, I love hearing that though, Kai, because it's rough out here. I felt so good. I felt at peace.

Oh, that's awesome. though, Kai, because it's rough out here. I felt so good. I felt at peace. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, it felt good. You were in, I mean, you've been going back and seeing your family a lot. What if that's like the key? It might be. It really is. I'm not kidding. I think like removing yourself from like high social.

Helping your parents with stuff is like so. It's what we were meant to do. Yeah. It was truly, we were supposed to be like in the villages, like helping our parents the mud huts like yeah when i was younger i would go visit my family and i would just regress and that that was my activity but now i just i go back and i help them do chores and stuff love that vibe that is so cute i don't have a jerusalem today but i have a monologue i if this is what i think it is i'm gonna walk away while you do it all right no lube no protection all night all day from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat from the dining

room table to the bedroom from the bathroom sink to the shower from the front porch to the balcony vertically horizontally quadratically. Exponentially. Fuck. Exponently. Logarithmic. While I gasp for air. Scream until I see the light.

Missionary. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. Doggy. Backwards. Forwards. Sideways. Upside down.

On the floor. In the bed. On the couch. On a chair. Being carried against the wall. in a train on a plane in the car on a motorcycle the bed of a truck on a trampoline in a bounce house in the pool bent over in the basement against the window have the most toe curling back arching leg shaking dick throbbing fist clenching ear ringing mouth drooling ass clenching nose sniffing eye watering eye rolling hip thrusting earth quaking sheets gripping knuckles cracking jaw dropping hair pulling teeth jitter bug mind boggling soul snatchingstimulating, vile, sloppy,

moan-inducing, heart-wrenching, spine-tingling, back-breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip-biting, gravity-defying, nail-biting, sweaty, feet-kicking, mind-blowing body shivering orgasmic bone wrecking world ending black hole creating universe destroying devious scrumptious amazing delightful delectable unbelievable body numbing back worthing can't walk head nodding soul evaporatingating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nail scratching, back cuts, spectacular brain cell dissolving, hair ripping, slow show stopping, magnificent, unique,

extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal phenomenal mouth foaming heavenly awaking devon devon's tattoo that was a ferdian slip slip hi devon um devil's tango he could not put a nuclear bomb inside of me and i'd still write it or he could put a nuclear bomb inside of me and i'd still write it and i would give this man the sloppiest wettest creamiest soul-taking slimy life-changing death-defying heaven-sent flabbergasting hypnotizing ungodly head that is sexy that was a very sexy poem that felt like when you and your friends go to a new restaurant and the waitress asks if y'all have been there before and some fucking idiot at the table decides to admit you haven't been there before so now you have to hear the whole spiel that's what it felt like it felt like i was being held hostage by the hostess what what is the soup menu also i have to

give credit what's on the soup menu today and then what is the special today drew is the kind of motherfucker i do do that i do do that but i have to give credit where credit is due that was from at cunt rs on oh i thought you were writing sex poetry no no no i was gonna say because i've i've actually been writing some sexy poetry as well read some this one's called clever girl i feel like a cursed time traveler one that can only move forward in time my addiction to the arts rivaled only by my addiction to beautiful women what does a night out with a guy like me look like i take you to a restaurant i wine and dine you and shower you

with sexy compliments i take you back to my apartment and impress you with my sexy furniture i make you laugh until you squirt and best of all we make love in the morning i make you breakfast and you beg me for more sex a bachelor tethered only to his cock what is this it's poetry i've been working on a coffee in a hip downtown cafe overlooking the sidewalk i indulge in a cigarette sue me may you find me guilty Oh my god. What the fuck are you like? Do you write this? Where is this from, god? Ew.

God damn it. The sun sets on a brazen New York City skyline. Your body quenches my thirst, a sexual oasis. I lap at it. You introduce me to your friends. They are offended by my candor. It ends there? That's it. Yeah. Did you write that?

Kai, that was beautiful. When I was in New York, me and my friends were like, we were trying to write the most disgusting straight guy poetry. That was awful. That was really bad. That's your milk your milk and honey yeah i'll just keep working on that i'm gonna keep working yeah no i think write a couple more and we'll bring one every episode so and you can hear it every time no and we'll make them longer too so yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna kill myself tonight okay um drew's high up corner i'm always intrigued by close friends stories who's not allowed to see you grilling zucchini dude that's how i feel about zamora's close friend he'll be like ice cream like what who

who can't know you're having a sweet treat right now? Why is six gagged? Why? Because seven, eight. Okay. That was at Shay Ports on Twitter. Y'all merge perfectly at chick-fil-a but y'all merge perfectly at chick-fil-a but why not on the i-45 that's really good that was from cassidy jane

and that's all y'all get um well my media of the week is still just walk a thin line by fleetwood mac because i don't know i just feel like that song and that's all i've been listening to on repeat my media of the week is the dark tower one in the dark tower series um by stephen hawking or stephen king um because my crush really likes it and so I started listening to it that's cute oh um but no for real my media is I Might Break But I Won't by Thrillium Angels Mori Mori that's all y'all get um and then i've been only listening to the challenger soundtrack it's been the score to my life the last three weeks it's been the soundtrack to my life so tap in and then anything trent resnick atticus ross i started listening to the social network soundtrack

because every once in a while like if i have an album i really really love i like have to withdraw from it because i'm like too like dependent on it and i'm also like it's starting to desensitize yeah so i like take like a tolerance break from it and oh my god the social network soundtrack is so fucking good y'all and i'm back on that shit um i'm back on that good shit and that's my media well kai do you have a single song you would like to tell the people movie yeah movie media the uh before sun before sunset oh yeah yeah i had never seen them really i never seen them they're so good i we've we've talked about you not seeing them before they're so fucking lit so crazy and actually in the first one was that one car way no no no no no it's richard link later yeah link

later but in the first one the guy is like i have this idea for a tv show where we just follow people's lives like what you guys are talking about hey before sunset yeah before sunset. Yeah, before sunset. Are there two or three? There's three. And they're 10 years apart every time. Were they, do you know if they were made like, like years apart? Yeah, they were made over the course of 30 years with the same actors. It's so lit. It's really cool. So goated.

But okay, well, thanks for listening to this episode of emergency intercom um this is the last episode Bye.