Emergency Intercom - We hate diet coke

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

https://www.patreon.com/emergencyintercom join the Patreon for bonus episodes, q&a/topic submissions, livestreams, pay for ky's lobotomy The big thing is not coming this time and it has ruined drews life. If you drink diet coke you are a bad person SeatGeek Use code INTERCOM10 for 10% off your SeatGeek order*. https://seatgeek.onelink.me/RrnK/INTERCOM10 $25 max discount Shopify Upgrade your selling today and sign up for your $1-per-month trial period at https://shopify.com/intercom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Calling all sellers, Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. Hi, guys. Dear Heavenly Father, please, for the love of God, please, for the love of god please for the love of god give us a good episode today i swear to god like all the good parts all the nutrients please please please no don't let the demons attack us don't let the demons attack us let us only be full of laughter

and joy and true shit guys i'm back and i fucked up we started recording an episode and i didn't press record on the audio. Actually, we recorded 10 minutes. we did a prayer earlier and that was proof that prayer is actually, it's manifesting evil. Like you're asking God not to do,

you're asking him to do something good for you, but really he's gonna give you evil. Literally. Because why do you only talk to him when you need something from him? I feel like God. Low key,

I'm like God as fuck. What is that vibration sound? That's Enya's fucking vibrator that's her wing bot outside yeah my vibrator's mad because i haven't been fucking with her so she's at the door right now and his libido is so low it's actually so fucking annoying i know i haven't been giving why is that annoying dude she won't put out right like it's not like you can have sex because you have a stomach full of shit y'all it is so fried for me so let's like take it back a few days i literally like like three days ago i was like damn i haven't like no not even three days ago like a couple

days ago yeah it was like by wednesday you were like damn i haven't shit in like a few days but like normally when i shit i can like feel like it like or when i don't shit i like a few days, but like normally when I shit, I can like feel like it like, or when I don't shit, I can like feel it like in my guts. Like it's like horrible. And like, I was like, huh? Like, I don't feel that crazy. But then I started doing the math and I was like, oh my God, I haven't shit since the day before we left for Big Sur.

So I was like, oh my God, it has been now 11 days, 11 days to the day that I have not shit. And I was like, oh my fucking God, like actually what is going on with me? And it's those goddamn fucking pumpkin seeds. I swear to fucking God. Have you looked it up? It is, it's the fucking pumpkin seeds.

They're fucking evil. They're sinister. They're dark-sided. I fucking hate pumpkin seeds. They taste so goddamn good, but like they're canceled. I'm canceling pumpkin seeds're canceled i'm canceling pumpkin seeds like i'm canceling them too many subs oh i was like right it's because they're high in fiber so if you have too much fiber you fuck up your belly yeah they're like so over and

i was just like oh my god and i was like fuck dude i haven't shit in like a week you know what's crazy is it kind of did constipate me in big sir like in big sir i couldn't like poop as easy as i usually do usually i wake up and i just take a big nice fucking heaping shit and i just wasn't doing that in big sir but i just assumed it was because i was eating girls don't i personally can't wait for it to come out of drew no it's like canceled it's literally kai's twin inside of me like it like literally kai came in and like saw that i was like giant and he thought i was like giant and he thought i was fucking pregnant he has a little pregnant belly yeah we did go get a what's it

called what do women get when uh you what like they're working on a house or something yeah like fucking sawing through the wood through the wood of the house so there's a demon inside of me um and i haven't shit in 10 fucking days. So I brought out the big guns. I was like, oh, we're getting this shit out of me tomorrow. So I literally laid on the floor of the fucking bathroom ready for fucking war, y'all. Like I was really, I was fully prepared to get it out of me. It's like that fucking alien from like Romulus, like breaking out of my fucking guts.

Like I pray to God that shit would happen to me. And I was like laying on the floor of the bathroom for literally six hours from like 10 a.m to 4 p.m and I was like using saline enemas I was using glycerin suppositories I was using mineral oil enemas and then I was like oh like I'm gonna like actually get this shit out of me and I this is final option for me like I don't do this often because when this shit happens it is the most painful fucking thing in my entire life like what i imagine giving childbirth is like and so i brought out magnesium citrate y'all to no fucking avail it is so canceled for me it's over what's crazy about you saying that about magnesium citrate is the only time i've been actually constipated i asked drew and he told me to take that and it was the worst night of my fucking life like i could have done a suppository and i probably would have been like

fine no it's fucking horrible you tried a suppository literally yes really i was gonna try a second one but it only said use one a day so i'm gonna do another one today like nothing i'm i swear to god nothing is working and i i know it's bad because like i'm dizzy and i know i'm dizzy because the shit inside of my colon is fermenting and causing alcohol and i i know it's bad because like i'm dizzy and i know i'm dizzy because the shit inside of my colon is fermenting and causing alcohol and i'm literally getting drunk off of my own fucking shit fumes like it's going straight to my fucking brain y'all if i was in jail i would just hold my shit for a long time no literally literally past the time and like oh my god i was praying i was praying that i woke up covered in shit that like my bowels just released

themselves while i was asleep last night so i could literally like have some fucking relief like i would have been so happy i would have been doing like snow angels in my fucking turds in bed like new bed new bedding like i don't think you would replace your mattress i would i swear to god i would i was i swear i was thinking about it last night i was like oh my god please like i will like i will buy a new $2,000 purple mattress. Like please. Cause it like has those holes in it. And I was imagining it like seeping in.

And then there's that like white powder between every hole that it would have made like a paste it with. I was like imagining really dark things. Wait, cause when you, okay, this is so gross, but when you take that many laxatives, is your poop just like liquid? It's just like liquid shit. I think it's supposed to draw water like it's their stimulants like stimulant laxatives which are supposed to like draw water into your colon that like liquefies your shit and they also cramp your like intestines so it like squeezes them out but i'm pretty sure

i just have a seized colon like i'm not kidding i think i actually do need a fucking pouch whatever they're called a colostomy bag bitch oh my god if i had a colostomy bag it would be so over for y'all because if you crossed me i would take that shit off and like release the gas in the room like a fucking smoke bomb and like evacuate the room like oh my god um well i think and i understand that that is a medical necessity for some people so what i'm about to say is not judging anybody who has that but if drew had that i would be so fucking mad because i know you would bring it out everywhere you would like i would show everyone you would like literally talk about it all the time and it would be your thing and you'd be like oh i just don't feel good today like i want to stay home so i can like empty my bag

if i had a colostomy bag when i met bella hadid that's my girl like that's like one of my best friends like bella hello um that's the first thing i would have shown her i wouldn't have shown her my colostomy bag i would have like popped it out and been like yeah i'm strapped where are you gonna name it when it finally comes hi its name is k. It's because it looks like Kai. It doesn't look like me. Like a little Kai. Kai, the first thing he said to me was like, oh, wow, like you're looking huge, Drew. He said you look pregnant.

I actually didn't say that. He said you look pregnant. I believe that he said that. He said you look pregnant. And I said, well. I said he did look pregnant, though. I did say that. Y'all, it's so bad.

Like, I have a very keen eye on my belt. And I am four loops down when i'm not or no no yeah i'm four loops down when i'm normally three uh belt holes down so i'm so fucking massive and bloated with shit i'm literally full of shit like i actually am full like i mean we know are you allowed to like go out tonight or like do anything i'm praying that dancing at the brat concert like relieves some of the stress in my colon maybe all the like maybe all of the poppers in the air will like yes your hole and you'll just start shitting and like exploding shit oh my god that would actually be so iconic if i shit at the girl at the k-pop concert who shit herself they put me

on the big screen at the brat concert and i just spread hole and drop a joint the spotlight going on drew for the apple dance yeah like that's when it releases yeah i would love that you know that scene you know that scene in south park where randy like shits and it like lifts his body off the ground yeah that's what i'm imagining that's what i want y'all i'm really i am really terrified to pass this because like really what's gonna have to happen here is i'm gonna have to go to the hospital and the doctor's gonna have to finger the shit out of my fucking ass because I was gonna do it but my nails are too long and I was just like I can't have shit under my nails that's a thing people have to do this like people it's like a part it's like a

reality for a lot of people and it's fucked up that you would sit here and make fun of me for my issues I wish my body would work normally I really do i yeah i haven't made fun of drew once about the huge shit that's stuck inside of him yeah like literally did the second you came in the house but drew it's gonna be like the substance or it comes out of your back my back no it's i was gonna say what you're experiencing is your other you is taking all your spinal fluid so it's fucking with your colon that's the that's the effect that's happening to you is the pretty shit is like stealing your it's no it's literally stealing my energy y'all like i'm i'm nauseous all the time my stomach is cramping sue is in your stomach no literally monster elisa sue bitch my like brain i'm like actually shaking constantly

for reasons that i won't explain because it's TMI, but I told Ine yesterday, like, it's really fucked up. Okay, I'll explain because it's crazy, but, bitch, it feels like I **** for the first time, and, like, my legs are shaking. Like, it's crazy. It's pressing up against my ****. You were like, that's TMI, but I was like, aw, like, I felt bad. I was like, aw, that sucks. My **** is literally constantly being, like, engaged. Yeah, like, that's kindmi but i was like oh like i felt bad i was like oh that sucks my is literally constantly being like engaged yeah like well here's the thing now that i'm back from new york i might

make you laugh so hard you shit laughing and squirt laughing yeah that actually did you go to new york and get like a magical substance that like made you funny no i've always just i've always been this way i've always been my jovial self. Kaya is funny. I don't know that I would describe you as jovial. Jovial. You know, one time. Jovial, no. Silly, yeah. One time I was at a table with somebody I like really respect.

And like, I like, it's a peer of mine who I'm like, you are like amazing. And then I don't know what came over me. But we were all talking about the way we're perceived. And I was like, would you say I'm a happy person? Like, do you see me like, because it's a person I don't see that often but when i do i make them laugh and like whatever so i was like do you see me as a happy person and they were just like no no i don't think they were like happy is the wrong word not happy and then i was like but i'm not sad and they were like you're not sad but you're something else and then it was at a dinner table

and i was like okay and then they were like and you're not mean but there's something like you're something i just don't know the word for you and i was just like okay this isn't fun anymore like i want to move on i'm getting red to filth also i realized that i have seven orders of wing stop inside of my body right now like because that's the main thing is all week he's been like i can't shit i can't shit i can't shit he's eating fucking wing stop and jack in the box because i don't eat jack in the box drew loves spreading this fucking rumor wet tacos i do those are good that's what i'm saying he loves it so much he loves the little fries shall we go through and stuff like my order history because we'll see we can

see exactly what i eat jack in the box wing stop wing stop jack in the box wing stop jack in the box jack in the box wing stop jack in the box wing stop jack in the box jack in the box jack in the box simply salad emphasis on the salad he hasn't had a salad in almost a month simply salad hello i can't even get on you though because i was really and we need to move on because we can't talk about food for another 40 minutes like we need to fucking stop but i don't eat fucking vegetables i realized like vegetables aren't kai i don't know what that was yeah make a lot of fucking the bomb that i brought to the podcast yeah kai is about to fucking pipe bomb and blow us up. I wouldn't even give a fuck. No, if we died.

This is why people say you're not happy. If I heard a bomb start ticking, I'm sorry. I'm not running for my life. What? If you had one right now, I'd be like, fuck. I think my main concern would be Azul. I wouldn't want Azul to die. But I wouldn't be like.

No, I feel that. I would dive under the i know for sure because the idea of running away like you know in movies when they're running away from a bomb and like they don't get far enough so they fly forward like imagining me do that is too embarrassing i'd much rather just take it as it lays i have like a similar thing but i know that i would instinctually go to deactivate the bomb. Yeah, I was saying I would dive on the bomb. Oh, exactly. Quite literally, neither of y'all's personality traits.

No, I would dive on the bomb. You guys aren't serving like savior citizen. Like you guys aren't serving that. No, you're not the hero. Drew would jump on it. He would curl around it. And then I would get in there and just start deactivating it. And the shit would block all of the explosion.

And he would walk away unscathed. Because it's as hard as a fucking like teflon like it's getting really hard in there yeah no it's fermenting y'all i'm dizzy constantly teflon teflon uh tell fire purse hello um well no no i need to talk about bombs because we were talking about bombs no i used to go fishing with M80s. I would throw, when I was like nine and obsessed with fireworks,

I would throw firecrackers into the river and explode and watch all the things. There needs to be a designated CPS worker at every house of a Texan. Yeah. Like there just needs to be a worker who checks in once a week

to see if kids are doing, because some of the shit you say you did as a kid i'm like who was around it was fun it was it was fun we would laugh about it even like we really would well i decided that i hate a big ass ugly fucking mural and i hate a bitch that records themselves doing an ugly ass mural and gets online to boast about it actually you're destroying the infrastructure of my fucking city get that funky ass ugly fucking mural off of that wall i what about a good mural oh a good mural will like set me off like when i see a good mural i'm'm like, ooh, that's. What about the pink wall? Well, the pink wall is infinite. Like there's like that to me is that's my infinite. You know how crazy.

It's like the pink wall. I'm like there is layers to it I'll never get to. Like there is so much culture behind that pink wall. Like people don't understand. People low key like they don't respect it the way they used to. Like there's no lines. There's no thousands of people gathering to it every day. I don't know what the replacement of it's been.

The replacement's been that one place where all the artists do their fucking pop-ups for photo ops on Fairfax. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's, like, where the old Supreme was, I think it is. Like, they do pop-ups now for like olivia rodrigo album or sabrina carpenter album that's the new pink wall like i think you guys are taking from the pink wall i think my pink wall is like my colon this is what i think we should do with the pink wall we should we should paint over it have a huge qr code and then a bunch of different of like the top NFTs. I personally feel like that would be really cool.

NFTs still exist. Yeah. I think so. Wait, seriously? Yeah. I think people still trade them. That's like eating jack. Yeah.

I wouldn't know though. I don't know. That is crazy. Ape is not like a crazy thing anymore. I can't believe that i still think they're just money laundering is that the same one or did you get a new ape no it's the same one it's been in the fridge for three years now drew's gonna like his delusion is kicking anything he's gonna sell that for a

hundred thousand dollars baby like it's like the beanie baby delusion that will that in my no that will be worth something because in the next 10 years climate change will evaporate all the water on the planet so that's why that will happen not because of what's like on it it's literally just the water itself y'all my stomach hurts i have to oh i forgot i have to set up a Kai cam. My stomach hurts. Oh hell no! No fucking no! What the hell do you think you're doing? Oh what the fuck are you doing? It's blocking me. No no it's just, it'll be subtle. Kai it's literally blocking me.

Yeah it's a piece of shit that is a piece of shit honestly it's so much better that it didn't work sit the fuck back down sit down sit with that it was three dollars so I thought I would just save my hand was it seriously three dollars? yeah

I wanted to have it where it's like blowing up and then it cuts and it's three dollars so i thought i would just save but it's seriously three dollars yeah no it was i wanted to have it where it's like blowing up and it's gone yeah i'll figure it out wait is it seriously not working no i think it's because i'm powering it from this so it's like fucked but i'll just do a different episode no we're doing that we're keeping all of that i know we're keeping it not working yeah um well the geomagnetic storm just happened and for like the past like four days i was like violently depressed and i couldn't tell if it was because i have 30 pounds of shit seven orders of wing stop inside of my body still y'all really really think about that i have whatever i won't keep talking about it i know i was like how much longer can we talk about the literal shit in your butt like i could talk about

it forever because it's literally the only interesting thing happening in my life right now but i was like violently depressed and i couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol that's being made in my colon um and i just constantly been drunk or if it's because i'm just like mentally ill and severely depressed so then i looked up do geomagnetic storms cause depressions um or i looked up like uh like symptoms of geomagnetic storms or some shit like that and 37.5 percent of men that were surveyed in this like study said that like during a geomagnetic storm no that they were like more depressed and i was like wait so like i'm like that's just like yo i'm really grasping at straws here i really do think the geomagnetic storm made me depressed. I think it really did make me depressed.

Saturday. Saturday. No, I think what made us depressed was being in Big Sur and having the time of our life for three days and then coming back to LA and being like, we're back here, like back to this apartment. Did you guys feel like you were in Big Little Lies? I've never seen that. I'm not watching that bunk ass show. Wait, why? I do know I need to watch it, i'm watching nurse jackie right now and i've hit a

lull so dude i started watching breaking bad with josh it's really good breaking bad i heard is like good i heard that that's like a good have you seen it yeah i've seen it oh i was re-watching it with josh and i was like damn this show is so good. Like, this is crazy. It's like, I think it's the easiest show to binge watch on the planet because rewatching it with him yesterday, we watched like three episodes when I wanted to go to bed early, but I couldn't walk away from the TV, even though I knew everything that was happening. But I was having one of those moments where I would like put the pieces together and remember what was happening next and literally just sitting there in pure anxiety. Like, oh my God.

Like literally. That's how I feel watching Nurse Jackie. That's how i feel watching you live your life i'm like oh my god like this idiot stupid person you really do think i'm stupid just wait though just wait i'll fucking kill everybody in here i don't think that'll make you smart i'll kill everybody in this fucking room well last night i was thinking about it and i just don't think that'll make you smart. I'll kill everybody in this fucking room. Well, last night I was thinking about it and I just don't think I have the kind of life where like I was watching a Fortnite clip and this kid was like, let me lock in. And he went crazy during this match

and like saved everybody. And I was thinking about it and I was like, damn, I just don't live the kind of life where I would ever be able to say I'm gonna lock in and successfully lock in. Like for me, locking in is being too drunk at a party and a photographer comes by and I have to try to act like I'm not fucking wasted that's like that's locking in that to me but that's the only time I'm not locking in where I'm like sitting down to write and I'm like hold on I'm gonna lock in and like go crazy it's

literally my locking in is that when I'm uh drinking and driving and a cop pulls me over oh bitch I am locking the fuck and and I still me over, oh, bitch, I am locking the fuck. And I still haven't been arrested to this day. I've been pulled over five times drunk. They haven't got my ass. And if I found out you were one evening drinking. A serial drinking and driver. Drinking behind my back, that alone would send me somewhere dark and deep in my brain.

Second of all, if I'm imagining you drunk driving around, like you can't even drive like sober. You're like a bad driver. Yeah. No, sometimes I did turn down a one way. When I first moved to LA, I turned down a one way and I didn't drive for like seven months.

Yeah. He almost killed all of us in the car. And then instead of like getting us out of the situation, he pulled over on the one way and made me get in the car and fix it and i did i panicked i panicked i'm a champion i panicked um wing stop is canceled take a shot every take a shot of drew's fermented alcohol shit every time i say wing stop in this episode wing stop is over is this a real thing that you're citing like no shit getting you drunk okay making it up it could be real though i do know it ferments it's not no i know it does ferment it makes people gassy and

that's why i bloat have you been farting crazy no that's a scary thing is today i haven't been farting runs to the bathroom and what's fucked up is we only have one bathroom in the apartment so like we have one good bathroom and then the bathroom that is we only have one bathroom in the apartment so like a we have one good bathroom and then the bathroom that we refer to as the boiler room and it's literally the nightmare on elm street boiler room under the fucking school it's so scary literally just a pile of all my dirty clothes and a basket full of half clean clothes that we all have to like climb over to get to this toilet in the corner and the toilet's all fucked up and nasty and we hate that bathroom.

But Drew's been taking the main bathroom. It's because the fucking dude that broke into the house shaved his pubes in there and left dark sided energy. Yeah, so we just. Dry shaved his pubes into my fucking shower. We have not used it since. Yeah, no, we literally use it as a storage unit now. Fucking scabies and hepatitis B on the floor. But Drew's been taking the good bathroom and it's like so annoying because every time he goes in there i'm just like fuck he like if he does shit that bathroom is gonna be

like a no contact zone for the next three hours like it's gonna be nuclear like when you said you had done everything you did in the bathroom when i went in there after i literally like i felt something in the atmosphere like it felt like yeah like i felt like a ghostly like nuclear radioactive shit environment in there and i was really scared to be in there nothing came out so it's okay it's still safe i feel like me and uh josh are both gonna get pink eye after you finally i pray i pray so y'all can feel a little bit of the pain that i'm suffering but wing stop is over wing stop is over y'all i ordered wing stop three four nights ago three nights ago four nights ago three nights ago and um i really was just so excited for the ranch

i was so fucking excited we were having a good night too it was a great night and we were watching the uh bride of chucky and i was gonna lay on inya's floor and eat my wing stop with my ranch and i ordered three ranches this time because i was like oh i'm gonna go crazy with the ranch find you he hasn't shit for a week at this point yeah bitch they haven't they they gave me blue cheese if you are a blue cheese enjoyer i genuinely i'm not joking and i'm sorry if this is problematic i hope you fucking die like i really i really do hope you have like like never mind i'm not joking, and I'm sorry if this is problematic. I hope you fucking die. Like, I really, I really do hope you have, like, like, never mind. I'm not going to go that far. But die, bitch.

Bitch, they gave me three cans of blue cheese, and I was, I almost fucking vomited at the flavor. It's, like, actually sent shivers down my spine. The thing is, if you didn't point out it was blue cheese, my high ass would not have noticed. I was fucking that shit up. I was, like, I didn't get wings up that night, but he did. And he got enough so I could have some. And I was like sitting there eating it.

And then he goes and eats and he's like, that's blue cheese. And then I got really insecure because I was fucking that shit up. And I go, oh my God. Ew, yeah, it is blue cheese. Oh, like I hate that. And then I just put it back. But later on in the night when you weren't using it, I like went over and I started like eating all the blue cheese. You're a monster.

I hope you fucking die, bitch. Oh my God. Blue god blue cheese is good really it's just like super funk that shit smells disgusting to me it literally smells like fucking toe fungus but the best cheese smells funky okay but so i the cheese my grandma brings from honduras smells crazy but it's but that's different that's like good cheese but um that's like uh foreskin cheese let me get a little bit of that on my uh wing stop kai um um top 10 ways that you hate me buzzfeed um but i ordered that fucking ranch didn't get it so i really didn't eat any of my wing stop because like how the fuck are you supposed to eat wing stop without ranch so the next night i had like 10 pounds of wing stop and i was like you know what like i'm gonna be freaky and i'm gonna order a tub of ranch and that's it from wing stop because there's no way they can fuck that up there's literally no way they can fuck up because they

don't sell a tub of fucking blue cheese because you're a fucking monster freak if you order that they only sell a tub of ranch so i was like yeah i'm gonna get that a cup of ranch well i did a double stop because i also wanted a soda um and i was like i don't know why you didn't just get a soda from wings yeah i don't either but i didn't want them to fuck my order up and i wanted a vanilla coke and i was being really lazy and i can recognize that i should have just gone and got this shit i know don't fucking talk shit about me but i ordered a tub of ranch and i was like okay like i'm about to feast tonight i'm really about to feast bitch they only dropped off my fucking vanilla coke they didn't even go to wingstop they charged

me the money for the wingstop and the tip and they didn't go to fucking wingstop and they didn't give me my fucking ranch oh my god i near had a conniption fit. Like I really almost had, like I almost fucking spat. Wait, what did you do? Did you eat it with Kewpie mayo? No. You did. No. You ate Wingstop with Kewpie mayo.

No, I fucking didn't. No, I need to insert this picture. The amount of Kewpie mayo Drew eats. And he's like, why am I constipated? Bitch, nobody should have this much fucking mayo. It's the pumpkin seeds. It's the pumpkin seeds. I swear it's the pumpkin seeds it's the pumpkin seeds i swear it's the

pumpkin seeds no look at this fucking y'all i actually am declining very rapidly oh no that's disgusting no y'all don't understand kewpie mayo he was being like frugal because we were all watching because me and jess i was so embarrassed we watched drew squirt like literally half a cup of mayo onto a burger before he ate it and then the next day when we brought it up he was like that was me being frugal because you guys were all up in my business so because i knew they were gonna talk shit about me and i was right had they seen frugal had they seen the real side of my kewpie mayo addiction i think y'all would have put me in rehab because it's really dark sided I bought like three bottles

the other day is that the one that comes in like the bowling pin looking thing yeah yeah that shit's good honestly it is really good but like you can't put too much you can't be too decadent with it oh I can Drew's very decadent

you get like crazy with the caviar caviar is still the biggest scam ever like it's fucking nasty y'all are literally paying that much for you're eating fucking sperm bitch literally like fish kumdala like it's fucking nasty like you're fucking gross and you're weird as fuck also like bitch i don't want some shit that i have to eat off of like a non-metal spoon. I don't want some shit that comes out of a fish pussy. Actually, I do. Have you had caviar? Yeah.

You don't seem like somebody who's had caviar. I like the cream and the potato chip, but like the caviar that comes with it, I'm like, girl, like what is this? Dude, I can't stand caviar. I also can't stand oysters anymore. Bitch, if you order oysters to my fucking table i'm throwing up every i like oysters because they're an aphrodisiac well i used to love oysters but i've been reclaimed by god i like oysters because they're the perfect thing to serve at a sex party i was gonna say i don't

like them you would not get invited to a party like that actually i get invited to sex parties all the time i turn that I turn them down, though. He does. I don't like oysters because I might die if I eat them. Oh, Drew. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I don't get to experience. What? You're going to die?

Yeah, I don't get to experience the earthly pleasures y'all do. That's so sad. I will go into anaphylactic shock. They're so delicious. I'll swell up and die. You should just try it. I thought about it, but I really do need an epi pen for me to like feel comfortable you need to go get tested i know i really do because that was scary and it's

crazy that i just like roam around not knowing but i think it could have just been a one-off event but i'm not trying it out i used to love oysters but drew has a candle that smells like oysters and i was sitting in his room one time watching a girl on tiktok eat oysters i was like damn oyster sounds so good but then i smelled drew's candle and i'm not kidding it changed my perception of oysters forever like now for the past year and a half oysters make me fucking sick they're nasty i love inya's oyster my clam yeah my clam chowder her clam with tuna tartar. Her steamed giant clam. Y'all. What were we telling that y'all call my coochie like a tuna box?

And I was telling somebody that recently. I think it might have been Rain and Tyra. I was like, that's what they call me. They call me tuna box. And they were like, that is so fucked up. And I was like, I was like laughing. I was like, no, it's kind of funny. And then they were like, that's crazy.

They call you tuna box. You let them call you tuna box. And I was like.. I was like, no, it's kind of funny. And then they were like, that's crazy. They call you Tuna Box. You let them call you Tuna Box. And I was like. Well, you are. You are Tuna Box and you own it now. Like. I have to. You guys won't stop saying it to me.

I'm not kidding. Never mind. I'll shut the fuck up. And I have been fighting all week long, y'all. Like if there's like a sinister energy, it's because me and i have been fighting all week long y'all like if there's a like a sinister energy it's because me and anya have been beefing and it's one because i've been flushing the fucking toilet after i use the bathroom she gets really fucking pissed about that because she wants to go and eat i need some i keep telling him i'm like you keep peeing and flushing i need that also i locked the door when i was showering and she actually got upset she was

like i want to watch you very toxic it's toxic that he's locking the door on you need to respect drew's boundaries he's quite literally locking me out of his life kai you don't know shit about my you don't know our fucking dynamic i'm literally trying to help you this is why you're fucked dude the idea of you jumping up that fast to hit someone that's like the fastest i've ever seen somebody get up like smiling about it too it's crazy how much mobility you have with seven pounds of shit in you oh what's crazy i'm not joking i was at the gym and i was like you faster it's like pushing the like gravity is holding it's my center of gravity is lower y'all i was at the gym and i've been really trying hard to put on weight like muscle and i was at the gym like a few days

ago and i was like damn i'm like fucking five pounds heavier like yes I'm like putting on weight bitch it's because I have like 30 pounds of shit inside of me y'all I swear to god I'm not eating like I don't give a fuck if it makes me anorexic I literally swear to god I'm not eating until the shit comes out of me gonna go every time I see you eating I'm like where is that gonna go I think it's undigested in my stomach right now I like keep burping and it hurts true do you think, ew, ew. Drew, do you think this is the most stuffed you've ever been? No, Kai,

you filled me a little more. Ew. Y'all are fucking disgusting. Y'all are repulsive. Also, um... Y'all are gluttonous, disgusting, repulsive, evil, sinister.

Prideful. Sinister, y'all. I found out... I found out sinister translate to like left-handed apparently. And it's because they thought left-handed people like were closer to the devil. We need to go back to that. Fuck left-handed people actually.

I hate left-handed. If you're left-handed, bitch, I hate you. And if you're ambidextrous, you're the devil. We need to start burning witches again so that I can save them. So I can stop it. Drew would burn faster. I i'm gonna pull your fucking hair i'm gonna pull it if i set you on fire you would explode because of all the gaseous like shit in your belly yeah and it would be nuclear it'd be like if somebody put like a

propane tank on like a pile of manure that's what your body would and i'm gonna pull that fucking wig off your head leave it okay it's not a wig it's a wig y'all i'm not wearing a wig and has been wearing a wig for the last decade um why do you have to bring that up bro it's like so because you're fucking bald bitch okay like stop okay seriously write that down we're gonna cut that you're bald and scary and it's whatever okay sorry like well diet coke y'all we really have to have an actual like a real conversation diet coke to me tastes like if i left the gas running on the stove and all of the fumes got to my brain and then i picked up a coke to drink it that's what i think my no like literally yo fuck helen keller bitch helen keller's not real I swear to god I actually don't think she was real

I don't either like she's she's op number one bitch if I see Helen Keller it's fucking on site she was real and she probably would have been a fan of emergency like write a book how how would she have been a fan of emergency intercom she was deaf and blind like yeah if you prefer diet coke actually no if you go to a restaurant with me and you have the fucking gall to order a diet coke after i order real coke and then when it comes to the table we have to do that weird thing where there's a possibility that you taste it that happened last night and it genuinely set me down a like tunnel of rage. I was so mad and I was looking around at everyone's cup and I was like, did you get Diet Coke?

Did you? Is that what you ordered? Is that real Coke? Try it again. And then the person I was talking to was like, oh, I don't know if this is real Coke or not. Tyrell. He was like, oh, I don't know if this is real Coke or Diet Coke. And in my head, I was like, why the fuck are you ordering Diet Coke if you can't tell the difference?

It's canceled, y'all. Like, you're over. Also, like, I really do truly think Diet Coke set women back at least 30 years. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, what it's done to, like, girls, like, it's really over. Girl, if you don't have your fucking, like, 23 grams of sugar, calm the fuck down. Like, that shit literally tastes like fucking asbestos that diet coke to me tastes like if nobody knew i was home and the house had to be

fumigated for fucking termites and i was locked in the closet like that's what no it really does it literally tastes like fucking blood clots you know what i like is just like cold water with lemon in it. Do you know what I like? What? When you shut the fuck up. Exactly. Sorry. Actually, if you like water, like cold water with the fruit sitting in it, bitch, go fucking dynamite.

Like, I, oh, I can't stand that. Like, I, people are like, oh my God, you know, it's fancy when you go and the water is like full of shit it's literally full of shit lemon pulp like it's literally like it is contaminated the worst is cucumber yeah i feel like it tastes like vomit also when they put no i was about to say when they put lemons limes and like uh oranges in the water when you like go to a hotel bitch it literally tastes like i just threw up and i didn't brush my teeth and i just slept with it and i woke up the next day and tasted my breath like that's literally what water with oranges in it tastes like bitch have you seen that picture of banana water i actually want to try banana water i feel

like it might be nice i feel like banana water might i don't know if banana banana water is kind of nice is like juicy enough to like i had it it's good i had it at a poke shop at a poke shop where it's sweeping is that sweeping yeah they do banana water they didn't honestly it was good in there and like literally shoot the fucking glass so it explodes like an aquarium banana water is good it's like a nice little surprise i fucking hate contaminated water bitch and if you're the kind of bitch who has to fucking drink water with those little squirts of sugar you need to fucking die natural selection is fucking coming for you what the fuck is gonna happen when timu isn't making that shit for you anymore still water like drinking water with lime water is like still water is that like you know what i love i love

cold water and just like a handful of almonds and i'm just like good for the rest of the day almonds is wood what the fuck did you just say that was for orion i'm gonna tell her a story actually because it's so funny. Orion's really sick right now. And I'm an angel. So I went and saw her and brought her soup and stuff. Cause I'm an angel. Um, and when I saw her,

she, before I left, she was like, I have to tell you about this fucking nightmare I had last night. So she's going in and she was like, to preface this, have you don't have Twitter. So I have to explain this to you.

She saw a tweet that it was literally just almond is wood. And she thought it was really funny. Cause it was like a picture of an almond and all the replies were like damn almonds are just wood like if you look at them in the texture of them like it just tastes like you're eating fucking wood somehow that tweet like infected her brain and in her dream she was at her friend's house who had a nut allergy and when she opened the fridge her friend's mom was like did you bring nuts in this house and orion said she just turned to the mom and went almond is wood and in the dream that like solved everything and like nobody was scared of the nuts

um so yeah almond is wood i've been thinking about that last night at the jazz night i had almonds on my charcuterie board bitch if you give me a charcuterie board and the salami slices are big ass fucking deli slices for a sandwich i'm going in the kitchen and i'm stabbing yeah that's not very demure whoa 30 is hitting you like a train 30 is running a train on your brain right now speaking of trains um i want to go on the amtrak across america i feel like it would be very grounding for me to see all the people yeah just like look around and just see everybody like i feel like it would be like a very sweet moment have you seen that train in japan where the seats like face the window and you can just look at the beautiful there's some amtrak carts that have that too it's like they look like uh greenhouses or like yeah

it's like a fully i love being on a train just like reading a book it's like like looking out of the window the thing is i get really car sick so i could never do that i would like actually throw up because anytime i'm in my in the car and i look at my phone for two seconds it literally feels like somebody flash banged me and i'm like i close my phone i'm like like moving like it feels like a shadow of me is like moving back and forth like i'm literally like blurring through the window and i have to look outside and like natural selection back to reality drew keeps clutching the baby natural selection is it kicking yes wait car sickness loki is natural Like, I just wasn't supposed to make it. You can't adapt.

Like, I wasn't supposed to be born in a time with cars. Yeah, you can't adapt. You're failing. Also, what? Bitch, do you know how long it took to travel across the country via horse? I think I said this. It's like months. Six months.

Yeah. Really? I don't want to go anywhere that bad. Wait, are you kidding? I feel like it should have been two months no six no because like once they hit like the mountainous area like it took it's actually really smart too i looked it up i looked it up because i was just like it's crazy that i wouldn't by my own regard drive across the country like it's something that's

on my bucket list i want to do at one point in my life but every time i've gotten near that i'm like bitch that takes too fucking long like i don't want to do that it sounds like a nightmare people were dying traveling by horse across the fucking country and it was because they were like i want to see the new city there's a new city across the world first of all y'all didn't even have pictures of it so what the fuck were you going to a lot of people were like a lot of people were like European immigrants that were like, oh, I want to go to the gold mines. Go fucking home. That's where you should have gone. No, literally, literally.

You should have went the fuck home. Go back to where you came from. Like literally. Bitch. That is how I feel about European people. I'm like, go back to where you were supposed to go like yeah what i was gonna say about traveling by horse is humans are actually so smart because if you were traveling from like like seattle to new york or like seattle to

florida what they would do is they would start heading that way at the beginning of fall so that it was like cooler temperatures and like since they're going south they're getting like it's getting cooler in the south so they don't have to like be through any like extreme heats or anything so they could keep it within the range of like it being 70 degrees yeah i know way um we all fucking wait does everybody know that oh i was like okay i'm like actually stupid no no because when i saw that i literally was like wow people that is like hella smart i wouldn't have thought about that shit i'd be like bro it's a nice day out today like i'm gonna start my fucking trek it's 140 and i'd fucking die me and my horse would be like on the ground like a family

guy character like in the heat um but you can't do that anymore now because of climate change you would literally like perish because every state would have like a different temperature throughout the way yeah how hot did it used to be back then because they were being like fucking badges and pussies because like every time i'm literally like like 90 degrees to me is like a good day i'm like that's like a like a really really good day and then i hear like local californians be like that is so hot and i'm like you're a fucking well you're from like nasty texas yeah no it's not nasty texas is iconic like let like it brave of someone from florida being like nasty texas yeah when we went to texas you're like kai this is it and it's just

like hella freeways and mcdonald's yeah it's really cool great it's really cool i was expecting to be like friday night lights or be like football players going through some sort of emotional arc i thought it was gonna be greener it's not very green it's like dead it's always there i always imagined it being way greener like where you came from bitch that shit is breaking bad town like no it's dead it's scary yeah um shut up dude what the fuck is your fucking issue don't tell him to shut up thank you don't fucking tell me not to tell him to shut up yeah kai don't tell her to not the fucking shut slut he's a slut he's a hoe he's a freak

got a different girl every day of the week you know that song? I've never heard that I gotta let you know that I got a crush on you how do you not know that song? I know that's the beat you just played. I thought I just never knew the lyrics.

You literally just did that. It's fucking Lil' Kim, bruh. Oh, yeah. No, I've never heard this. You've never heard that? I've heard it, Enya. Your whiteness is blinding. You've never heard that? I've heard it, Anya. Your whiteness is blinding.

And you shut the fuck up! Yeah. Oh my god, and your stupid fucking wig. I'm gonna rip that shit off your fucking head. You need to, like, actually stop fucking mentioning it. Because nobody has, like, peeped that yet. Like, nobody knows yet. I mean, everybody knows now.

Your wig. your stupid wig cut that i don't have a fucking wig on halloween episode soon y'all are not ready for my costume dude mine sucks so bad this year y'all i'll face the music guys what should i be i want to be crazy and dress up this year and have fun and you should be this part realize i should be a fart yeah you should go get the substance you should be a better version of yourself okay you should be but that would be the hardest costume for you to ever put that would be very hard inside my butt he is that he's already you got your costume on and everything already i'm wearing a nice outfit how'd you get the smell kai i have a few good ideas that i'll send you okay please because i i do want to like

finally for the first time dress up and have fun and have and be the life of the party you know because usually i'm just like a side character oh my god i don't want to go to a party ever yeah i don't think i want to either like i don't want to go hopefully i'm not here for halloween that would be iconic. Hopefully I'm not on this earth anymore. Who the fuck saw the lobster and thought, like, I want to eat that? Like, actually. It had to have been like an accident.

Somebody had to have squeezed a lobster and like, oh, fuck, there's meat in there. Like, oh, my God. Like, I'm going to eat that. Yeah, because it was like peasant food at one point. It was? Yeah, like all shellfish were like peasants. And then they then they like rebrand also diamonds are not worth what they say they're worth they're all fucking lab grown now like they're just really good i've just never understood diamonds like chill like literally just chill it's a fucking rock like i just don't i don't understand the value of it like i know it's because of like mining and like but like i'm like no you're enlightened like they're they're really worth

like absolutely nothing at this point even gold sometimes like i love gold i like love gold i love gold i like gold for the family aspect of it like a lot of the jewelry i have like i've gotten gifted from my family it's been passed down i like it for that aspect ho i'm not buying a new piece of gold fucking jewelry are you on meth like i want my shit used and abused from a pawn shop like i don't want some new shit also because all of y'all are plating fucking brass knuckles like i don't want that shit fuck you i want brass knuckles i'm gonna beat the fuck out of kai with it actually i'm gonna get brass knuckles with my name like instead of it being spiky it's gonna be my name like race so i can fucking hit people and like my name is imprinted and my teeth fucking fly out and i'm like scrambling to pick them up and i'm trying to put them back in my mouth i'm like pissing all over myself and it smells fucking rancid

are you talking about i'm i'm adding to your bit about like beating me up and stuff and i'm adding like this isn't a threat b12 urine don't get it twisted neon green b12 urine is that like brat like what yeah no my piss is brat coated after i take b complex half of you hoes going to that concert i know your piss is brat green i know i know your cooter bronson is brat green like with the fucking discharge bitch like i almost said something so disgusting i guess you said discharge green i was gonna say you lift the clitoral hood and it's like a green emerald because it's just like calcified and untouched and very visceral it's like um clitoral cheese i know a lot of y'all are fucking cleaning under that hood if you drink diet coke i'm gonna kill you oh oh yeah like this one is so the way coochie is spelled we'll put it in the episode i'll read it

are you oh yeah i'm reading this don't touch don't ever reach for my phone again i'm gonna go through your phone can we start going through each other's phones actually no that would be really toxic i don't give a fuck i don't have shit on here oh i'm gonna go through your phone and send myself all the pictures everything i used to be embarrassed of like i'm not embarrassed yeah i feel like we showed each other literally everything my tesla robot when he find out he gonna be helping me wax this cootie cat cootie cat cootie cat drew sigh up he has now been promoted you are now an elite employee if you're a man and you work from home you're gay caveman be like seven will be my year that's good

let's hope fingering is the next pandemic hoctow twins makes hoctua twins make such good music like talk to uh yeah cocktail cockto yeah cockto twins um um dudes be like i do construction whole time they're the guy that's holding the stop sign right uh bet y'all didn't know winnie the pooh's grandma was named pooh nanny um dude last night before going to the jazz bar i found a compilation of drew reading psyop corners and i was laughing the exact amount when i heard them watching the video as i did in real time and it was starting to freak me out and i was like okay we have to stop watching this because i don't like

that like my brain still finds these the same amount of funny as if i haven't heard that crazy finger me if i'm wrong but it's today wednesday what day is it wednesday it's tuesday i have to finger you why does kai get to do it i mean because you always do it and kai is here yeah give me a shot at fingering you drew maybe it'll be good the thing is like a good fingering is lit a bad fingering bitch how are you fingering wrong yeah like how are you actually totally literally yeah respects respect like you got to get up in there and like the clitoris wait how let me see i couldn't see you said you have to get into the clitoris i just like i want to see the technique

stop i'm sorry i'm sorry oh that was the other thing in the psyop corner thing like it was him singing and it made me mad in person the way it did when i was there in person like hearing it on i keep getting uh drew singing the sundays over like that fucking dog i know wait which one i haven't seen that yet. You've seen it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I do remember this. I did. Like this having 17,000 likes.

Let the dogs wear wigs. We're going to get into media of the week. My media of the week is. We watched Nightmare on Elm Street and we watched halloween movies in a night we watched halloween nightmare on elm street and the thin blue line yeah i didn't finish the thin blue line i was in bed before then but um no one told me that nightmare on elm street i mean like i knew it was great and I had seen it before but like watching it with a developed brain was like really really exciting and it was so good also no one told me that at the time it was made for 1.1 million dollars which is 3.3 million dollars in today's

money and like looking at the practical effects I'm like y'all really we really can't do that today why did Joker 2 cost $200 million fucking dollars? Like, why did it cost $200 million? Like really make that make sense. Like literally was Gaga's like, My name is Joker and I like to sing! that hurt my ears so bad like it actually hurt that hurt your you want me to tell somebody who gives a fuck that sounded like the gates of heaven opening thank you to me i agree with you though it literally is crazy i miss when horror movies were like practical because it all the

older movies i like the reason i like them is because they did practical effects and it just looks better even though it's like kind of campy and you're not looking at it being like that looks so real it's just it's cool to know a whole team came together to make that happen the old alien movies look so fucking good have you seen space odyssey recently no it looks like it was literally made in 2023 like it's unbelievable like can we like go back to making good movies because like also this is a hot take but i re-watched halloween that movie's boring as fuck that was a hard one i understand like the significance and it is an amazing movie and that shit's boring halloween is how i feel about elvis presley like literally boring i'm like i

respect y'all who fuck with this but for me no yeah i mean there were some scary ass moments like the car scene got me it was just making me laugh too much because the way you creep around the house it just felt like that i I do creep around like Michael Myers. But also, English teacher, please, for the love of God, go watch that goddamn show. I need them to get renewed for four more seasons because it is the funniest thing on television right now. And I don't give a fuck what you're doing. Leave this episode right now and go start watching it because it is so good like that show is so

funny but they didn't have to do like the gay stuff it probably would have been funnier i agree like all the gay shit is weird as fuck it's like if it was a normal show it would be like top 10 yeah if they were all normal why are you guys normal that isn't cool i'm sorry but i'm drawing the fucking you you go and follow the being gay being cool trend we're gonna follow the getting into the pearly gates of heaven yeah it's cool i'm saying it i'm being the first one to say that god asked me god said uh wings what is it fuck like a barbecue or lemon pepper at the pearly gates god god said uh what kind of wings do you want? And I said, lemon pepper. And he kicked me out. I said, lemon pepper.

Or I think it was like, do you want your wings? He's like, yeah, can I get lemon pepper? Some shit like that. I'm going to have wings out tonight, I think. Don't do that to me. Really, please don't. I'm shitting. Easy breezy.

Oh, wait. What the fuck? Can I do a media? It's serious. OK, yeah. You guys are so traumatized when i said porn literally episode you said it like literally four times you said it 14 times that's pretty funny okay i just wasn't made for these times by brian wilson wait i'll play it you satisfied that's pretty no this is really beautiful it's it's nice to put on when you're feeling down and you want to kind of like lean into that and have like a cathartic exit out of

your melancholy state um just wow this one feels like that vocabulary i see you have you heard this song yes i love that song it would have nowhere to go because you're all full we didn't do media of the week or like i don't have music really you guys drew's belt is hanging on for dear fucking life right now the buckle's gonna blow up in kai's face all right well thank you guys so much for listening did you do media i don't i haven't been listening to music i'm sad oh my god um i'm not even kidding i'm like this year has been so sad for me i haven't like music doesn't sound the same like Like, I don't have, like, that same want for music. Look, I made a playlist, like, probably six months ago.

Oh, I know. It's like, could music please sound good again? Like, please, please, please, for the love of God, make music sound good. We're just in too deep. Like, my favorite thing to do used to be to, like, sit in the sauna after working out and listen to new music. And I haven't, like, had a moment in the sauna where I hear a good song and I'm like oh my god like i feel so good that is the scariest symptom of being depressed it's being like oh this is just noise my one my one joy is listening to music yeah like i know i'm down bad when i'm not waking up and playing a song off my boo fucking who

it's really fucked up i can't even laugh at that that's how you fucked up when we get off of here you're gonna you're gonna learn to never do that to me again hit me i don't care oh i'm not hitting you i'm gonna stab you stab me i don't care maybe it'll release some of the i'm gonna stab you in your colon and it's gonna like... My fucking bloated goddamn belly. Alright, thanks for watching, guys. Bye. Oh, yeah.