Emergency Intercom - We Met The Killer

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

Drew has become really sexy and Enya wont admit it. They talk about their encounter with an alien and bringing casual instagram back. Follow Enya on Insta: @EnyaUmanzor Follow Drew on Insta: @DrewPhillips09 To listen to the podcast on YouTube: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercomPodYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: bit.ly/EmergencyIntercom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm, like, so worried about my sister. Randy, you cannot marry a murderer. I was sick, but I am healed. Returning to W Network and Stack TV. The West Side Ripper is back. If you're not killing these people, then who is? That's what I want to know. Starring Kaley Cuoco and Chris Messina.

The only investigating I'm doing these days is who shit their pants. Killer messaged you yesterday? This is so dangerous. I gotta get out of this. Based on a true story. New season Mondays at 9 Eastern and Pacific. Only on W. Stream on Stack TV. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Who's having his first film of the day on camera?

What? Can I actually have one? I'm fucking starting to have a Slim Jim then. Okay, then give me a fucking... Me when you took my fucking car to get that. Give a goddamn hot cheeto you owe me six dollars and gas Good what I'm gonna be so fucking mean to you Fucking bitch What the fuck?

Sorry, I don't care. We haven't said anything because you want to start. La toxica. There, I said it. You're literally immediately gaslighting me. That's not gaslighting. That was toxic. No, what was toxic is you like putting the bag in.

You're gaslighting Drew. Yeah. Oh, the two white ugliest men on earth they're trying to gaslight me on camera what's sad is that like not only are y'all white but you're ugly and right like y'all didn't even get like y'all got a double hit from god you mad welcome to this episode of emergency intercom i have wet jeans because i went out in the rain and they go over the bottom of my shoe it's the best day ever because it's raining out rained all day today it was magical i don't think i've ever gotten as much work done in my entire life than i did today you completed one task no i edited an entire video filmed a brand deal now i'm doing a podcast

so two tasks like you can't separate the video and the brand deal because the brand deal was for the video i also went. Went and bought Slim Jim. Went out and got a Slim Jim and some hot Cheetos. You went out and got some lunch. Mm-hmm. Also, this is not my first meal of the day. Do not let Inya lie to you people. What was your first meal?

I had In-N-Out. Mm. I had a cheeseburger from In-N-Out. A cheeseburger. I just spilled coffee all over the floor, by the way. You better clean it because Azul's gonna get it and get caffeine poisoning. That's not how that works. Well, let's just get into this episode. Yeah. Okay, the first thing I want to talk about is how sexy I actually have become. Oh my god. And it's not

a joke anymore because it's leaking into my God. And it's not a joke anymore because it's leaking into my real life. It's not just imaginary comments online. It's not people just commenting, Drew, you're so sexy, which I appreciate. I appreciate all the comments telling me how fucking sexy hot I am

because it does fuel me and it does make me feel good about myself and it does make me want to take care of myself. That's usually what compliments do. But it's leaking into my real life so listen to this let me paint the scene in yeah also wait before this goes i just want to say you like fully ignore the fact that people see and they go oh um you look rugged now and then they go into complimenting, but it's usually like they get taken off score. Rugged is sexy to me. I guess.

Yeah, no. Bring back manly men. Like, I've been saying it the entire time. One person said that to me. And then I got kissed on the cheek because I had a beard at that party. So let's not ignore that. Let's not ignore that. But it's leaking into my real life.

So let me paint the scene for you it's inya elsie elisa and jester um they go out have like a nice little din din together they they treat themselves they they have a casual conversation i don't know what went on at the dinner because i wasn't invited. Because you're not a girl, bitch. Okay. How do you know that? Because you literally just said bring back menly men and I'm doing it. Fair. So yeah, they come home.

I shower. I bathe. I do my thing. I get ready for bed. None of this has to do with the story it does it does I'm painting a scene and so like my body is glistening it's glistening I'm in my bedroom in bed and I put on my gray sweatpants because I'm like oh I want to sleep in my sweatpants tonight yeah um and i'm not wearing a shirt i'm not wearing a shirt

um okay so they get home and i hear them chatting it up and then i'm like oh like i want to go hear the conversation i'm gonna go say what's up because i didn't say hi to everybody before they left you hear me in the kitchen talking shit about oh we'll get into that saying the same shit we'll get into that i'm not talking about that i mean like the conversation he actually walked in was literally a conversation i had three times that week yeah literally um but we they're all chatting in the kitchen and so i'm like oh i'm gonna go say what's up so i walk into the kitchen um and i'm shirtless in my gray sweatpants and everybody in the kitchen takes a look at me they look me up and down and I'm not kidding Elisa do you care about your job I don't give a fuck about my job I don't give does Kai care about his job because he hasn't said anything about it so

maybe you're the only one hearing it I was waiting for you to finish your gray sweatpants story um okay so I walk in and the room falls silent it's actually crazy the room falls silent everybody's head whips to me and they see my which is what happens when a person enters my glistening toned body my like freshly groomed body hair like i look good i look sexy i look hot like i'm serving and elisa's like almost like caught off guard by how sexy i am and she's like in mid-conversation she's like drew you look good you look really good right now and then jester they're like what does jester say what do they say they they jokingly turn their head then they go, I've never seen this side of you. They've never seen this side of me.

Which that could mean a lot of things. Elsie stays silent. She doesn't have anything to say, but she does look at me up and down. Also, I said like you. Okay, keep going. I'm not saying that I was gray sweatpants challenging because I don't know if that was the case. We cannot see your bulge, no, if that's what you're asking. Okay, I was going to say.

Your bulge is not big enough to slay. My bulge? Let me tell you about my bulge, ladies and gentlemen. It is perfect. Your bulge is not bulging, though. I have a perfect bulge. But yeah, I'm sexy and it's leaking into my real life. And scene.

It's not a scene. It's real. So, okay. What I'm gathering from this is you are coming into the age where people are giving you compliments to your face. And you have no idea how to act. Yeah, because I literally have a job where I speak for an hour and I have to fill it. So if people call me sexy, I'm going to tell the world.

Romil. Are you just gonna name off everyone who's called you sexy recently? Because the list is pretty short. Those are the four people. I was saving this because this is something I've needed to say publicly for a long time.

And I didn't want to say in the first like four minutes of the podcast because I didn't want us to get demonetized again. But I think I'm going to like pursue this goal of mine. It's usually like when I think about my future, I have a hard time like visualizing what goals I really need to hit. And I think one my future I have a hard time like visualizing what goals I really need to hit and I think one of them that I'm really considering is I think I want to be

the first woman to put someone in the hospital be ahead um so I am working on that um I feel like it like it might not be as challenging as I think but I do want to like just prep for it and like... You can prep on me. No, you're my victim. Okay. I'm down. You're the victim. You know I'm down. But yeah, also the way I thought about that job is,

I mean, the way I thought about that joke is literally we were standing on the sidewalk and Mason mentioned seeing Johnny Knoxville and I said that I want to give him such vicious head

that it puts his old ass in the hospital. And I mean it. Okay, I'm done. I'm done sexualizing Johnny Knoxville because I don't actually want to have sex with him. I do want a selfie with him. So it's a pretty big jump back from giving head and putting him in a hospital. But really, all I want is a selfie.

You just have to shoot high it's like when you're bribing someone you have to shoot really high because you know they'll take it down to the number you actually want and that's what i'm doing with johnny knoxville yeah um set your expectations low but also high so when they don't reach your expectations they're already low yeah so it's like whichever one i get i'm getting something good exactly um do you would you like to read some of your notes that you've been saving because you've come up to me all week and you are about to say something and then you take it back yeah well i almost killed a dog. I almost killed a dog at Target. I was grabbing LaCroix's, which literally every fucking person who came over last night

drank like six of my fucking LaCroix's, drank half of them, left them out to rot, and now I have no more LaCroix's. And I bought those for me and only me, and everybody drank them. That's how I feel about my groceries all the time. But, you know, I don't say anything about it because I'm a gracious woman, and it's for me and only me and everybody drank that's how i feel about my groceries all the time but you know i don't say anything about it because i'm a gracious woman and it's my job to be a caregiver to some extent and i just care for my friends and i don't give a fuck about my friends when i drink my lacroix's but granted they did really like the blossom cherry blossom flavor and so they

were literally yeah which i fucking hate it and it's literally the most rancid flavor i've ever tasted in my life and it tastes like fucking chocolate and dog food but i'm glad it tastes good i ate that like crazy as a kid this is literally dog food like this is what dog food tastes like this is what dog food tastes like let me get another bite of that um but yeah you're almost literally yeah so i was grabbing the la croix's and there was this like little rat dog running around on the ground. This little ankle biter, the one with the teeth that like stick out of the side and like the really fucking disgusting ass mangy fur. And he was running around at the bottom and the lady was also grabbing La Croix's. And I was like, I was just going to grab one pack.

I was just going to grab Pamplemousse. The tallest thing in the world. The classic Pamplemousse flavor. Like, you know, you know, if you know La Cro croix you know um i was gonna grab that pack and then i saw two for seven two full packs for seven dollars and i was like i'm not passing up on that deal you know i'm getting you know i'm getting that so i grab go to grab a second pack and i'm like which pack am i gonna grab and then the cherry blossom catches my eye because i thought it would taste good but i was very wrong and i go to grab it and it's like the highest one up and it's like on a stack of like three and i pulled the top one off and they all

start falling down and the dog is like had walked perfectly underneath where like these two cases of lacroix would have like actually popped him like a fucking pimple it would have fallen and exploded into like actual powder like it would have really mutilated this you would have literally eradicated him immediately it was it would have been very bad but I'm a hero I'm a savior and I have quick reflexes and I caught it before it was actually like the slowest like movement ever It's not like it actually started falling. It was just like Drew went to go move the case and saw that it would fall if he grabbed it the way he was going to grab it. And then we looked out. Our house is on fire.

No, it's just so cold out. The neighbor downstairs is drying clothes. Yeah, you'll be saying that when we're burning alive on camera. We're going to release this episode on Patreon. See us die when we're burning alive on camera we're gonna release this episode on patreon see us die on camera burn alive on camera um but i it's fucked up how funny i thought that was we were literally laughing in front of the owner and she had no idea how hard we were laughing at that like because she didn't notice what had happened and we walked away and i was laughing so fucking hard at that target because the idea that Drew would have literally...

If I would have killed that dog, I would have actually never recovered. I don't think I could have ever recovered from that. I truly could have. Honestly, I would have forgotten about it in like eight hours. Like if I'm being honest. I'm a killer. We also then almost saw a dog get hit by a fucking car so ladies and gentlemen keep your dogs away from us because we're giving bad vibes to dogs

recently we have dog omens bring around us and they will almost experience death not fully experience it give them stress them out a little bit stress them out a little bit about death Oh this is a good one I'm going to mine I have a really good one loaded up Sorry sorry Okay you can go Okay Back to life

So I thought about it I was thinking about like My dead brother. My brother who's dead. Why would you even think about that? Because it's like a sad thing. No, but that's what I'm saying. Like it's just like it's already done.

Why think of sad things? Just move on. And my brother was always first in line to get my dad's like Rolex that got from his father, who he got from his father. So it's like a generational, it's like your bracelet. And I was like, oh, I'm going to get the Rolex now. Oh, my God. I'm going to get the Rolex. Don't you have two older brothers, though?

They're half. And I will kill them for the Rolex. But I thought about it and I was like, that's mine now. I thought the joke was going to be that you were going to kill your two older brothers. No, the joke is that I'm celebrating that my brother died so I get a Rolex. I mean, if I'm being honest, that's an even trade-off. Yeah, it's fair. And then I thought about it even deeper and I was like, the bloodline's going to end with me.

I'm killing off the family. The Phillips family. That was your trade-off. I was like, oh, I get a Rolex, but I guess my bloodline does end. The Phillips. Tomorrow. The Phillips family ends with me. Tomorrow.

No, no, no. No, it's going to end tomorrow, because if it's ending with me tomorrow no no no no it's gonna end tomorrow because if it's ending with you you're gone tomorrow why i don't know i just have a feeling you have the other day when we were leaving the house okay i've talked about this before but if you're a newer viewer i have very intense paranoia about locking doors behind me like i'm always convinced i didn't lock a door like it's actually debilitating borderline because i have to wiggle i have to wiggle and i have to troll and i have to troll back i know drew isn't like good at handling it he like decides to like like terrorize me because she's

like drew is the door locked can you check to make sure i locked it or i'm like yeah sure and then i i go and check and i'm like yeah you left it unlocked but we should just go anyways it's not a it's not a joke what's fucked up is like obviously now i can laugh about it but like when it's happening it actually freaks me out because i believe it like it is like a deep paranoia for some reason that i i like know you're joking but i part of me believes it and it's like actually really crazy how what my brain does to me but um the other day I was locking the door which makes it worse like when we're leaving the house if we're leaving out the front like we're going out at night I like when you lock the door because if

I lock the door I will stand there and like lock it and don't believe myself and I'll have to wiggle the handle and I'll lock it and wiggle the handle you still do that after I lock it I did do that the other night but that's because you said something scary to me he literally after he locked the door i locked the door i don't remember i was like i was like did i lock it am i locking this and he goes it doesn't matter because i have a feeling we're gonna get broken into tonight anyway i was like but i i genuinely did i was like and i was sitting at my desk. Please don't fucking say that. And I was like, I'm getting an ominous vibe. Something bad is going to happen tonight. And I have a feeling it's going to be a home invasion.

And I was like, don't even bother locking the door because they're just going to break in. Like, it doesn't matter. That is so weird because I had a very visceral dream last night that my house was broken into. Really? Yeah. Y'all are putting bad fucking energy into the air. We're like connected. We're connected or something.

Yeah. Sorry. I just didn't want to move closer. Freak. But yeah, Drew did that to me the other night and it literally terrorized me. And when we were in the Uber, it's all I could think about for like 15 minutes

and I had to like just change the subject in my head because I was like, I am not going to be able to think any other thought tonight well the house was not broken into and then the uh the other night when we went out right after i he locked the door and i went to go check in he was like oh you don't have to worry because i don't i don't think we're gonna get broken into tonight i was like that's not how this works. It is. Exactly how it works. I had a little surprise for the 39th episode. Oh, 39th episode surprise.

Is this the 39th episode? Yeah. What's the surprise? I was the guy that broke into your apartment. Anyways. Stop. There's going to be. Oh, fuck.

What the hell? Drew, stop. I'm serious oh my god i'm fucking bleeding good don't get it on the fucking mic we have to use that you're not crazy that was that was you were valid it was valid yeah you're valid it's true thank you for putting me in my place. You're welcome. And why did you not say sir? Sir. Okay. Can you, are you going to apologize to him?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry what? Sorry what? I'm sorry that I broke into your house and I shaved my pubes in your house. Oh my gosh. I fucked up your trust and sense of security forever. And then? Sir.

Apology kind of accepted I let you bask in the maybe okay bask in the maybe yeah I let you fester in that maybe also I decided something else we need more thirst traps of me it's true

we just need more thirst traps of me I miss being sexualized. I'm just, like, not sexualized as much anymore. I will give you a cum tribute. Thank you. I'm not kidding. I need one. Like, when's the last time someone came on a picture of me?

Like, we need to talk about it. Okay, actually, let me not entice that. Saying that, you're going to get a lot. Which is kind of a vibe. You feel worth it. No, because, like, actually, it, like. Where's my cum tributes? I know there's

someone out there who has to give me a snail trail tribute no i want a snail trail tribute and i want a cum tribute immediately next would you take a discharge tribute um absolutely i will take a bottle any bodily fluid spit tribute spit tribute a shit tribute literally anything someone shit on a photo of me i really i unironically need to see that i don't have a shit kink piss on a photo who the fuck is this but the piss could be anything let me see this episode is brought to you by Samsung Galaxy. Ever captured a great night video only for it to be ruined by that one noisy talker? With Audio Erase on the new Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra,

you can reduce or remove unwanted noise and relive your favorite moments without the distractions. And that's not all. New Galaxy AI features like NowBrief will give you personalized insights based on your day schedule so that you're prepared no matter what. Pre-order the Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra now at Samsung.com. Let me see. Oh, I got a text too. I literally have no idea who that is. Do you have the number saved?

Oh, it's literally Devin. Wait, why? Did she get a new number? She got two phones. One for the cases, one for the hoes. Yeah. Did you get it? Because her job.

Well, in a lot of cases. Yeah. We love Devin Lee Carlson. Live, laugh, love. we love definitely Carlson live life love definitely Carlson What what's wrong with you we literally brought up one of the most gorgeous woman in the world and I you don't know how To fucking act. No, I didn't know I thought Drew's gonna bring up something but We'll spare you you thing but we'll spare you okay we'll spare you although this is very open-ended and we'll leave

a lot of questions to the viewers and we're not cutting it out i haven't cried in two years that is just not true true that day seriously said yeah you just gave a laugh he seriously came up to me in the kitchen and i was watching a britney and sarah video and he saw them like laughing and he just goes i just wish i could laugh like that like i just wish i knew how to laugh no i mean they like laugh at everything and it's like infectious like when i i laugh it's not infectious it's overwhelming and i don't laugh at everything i like i just i get lost in my own brain and i'm thinking of the next thing to say. That's literally everybody with attention issues who's also a comedian. So that's everyone in our group.

Brittany and Sarah, I need training. Everybody in our group in a room is a nightmare. That is the description of hell. How loud a room gets when our whole group walks in is disgusting i have to i literally have to leave our like the living room like three or four times like every time everybody's over because it's so loud and it's always the next person's like trying to get the big best joke in the next laugh in and like sometimes i just cannot participate and i freak the fuck out and i have to just go lay in my bed and be on my iphone where it's quiet for like literally five minutes and then

i make my way back in here when i hear will smith is getting his ass or beating chris rock's ass on stage i can't believe you missed that with the whole group isn't that embarrassing kai like we had like such a group moment i actually got a photo of as it was happening did you actually yeah of everyone's face well i was i was on the i was in that photo oh well wasn't that when it was happening no it was after i came in when you were taking the photos when i was so i was in all the photo evidence so i could sit here and say actually i was there but you weren't um yesterday was the first time in a long time i actually did feel overwhelmed by how loud it got because i had to like connect the laptop to the tv and someone kept i like

someone kept saying something to me and i was like i'm actually gonna freak out if you repeat it but i think it might have been kai but i don't remember what it was like something kai or christian was saying one of you like one of the really white men in the room Was like saying a lot to me And I was like I'm gonna freak out I was not in the room I don't think it was me It couldn't have been me

It probably is you No I actually wasn't in the room when it was getting hooked up But yeah I was working I was grinding You sound like someone lied about it i was grinding i was grindering grindering yeah it's like working hard no dude like grindering like insinuates you're on the app grinder i don't even know what that is like don't even what is that you just got like 14 notifications from i know your phone is literally blowing up podcast it's vibrating so hard it's about to explode

what i don't even literally know what y'all are even talking about i don't know what grinder is grinder is probably you're looking up the sound right now. Yeah, let's just ruin the bit. Let's just really ruin the bit. You're just taking so long. Oh, let me mute this. How do you mute a phone? How do you mute a phone? You don't know how to mute a phone?

That was insane how long it took you to get to that like fuck both of y'all i'm just i've literally just been constantly i'm a punching bag for everybody always everybody just picks me up you literally started this by saying like you're getting too many compliments and they're leaking into real life. And now you're trying to explain that you are being attacked. I was literally just attacked. Everybody was not just attacked. You're going to hell. Did you know that?

I'm going to kill you. Also, turn that thing off. You're a slut. That's the thing about you is like. I am a slut. Yep. And you think that's okay. I horny but you ran through i gotta i literally have to get it out if i don't let it out it starts to hurt you're literally so ran through and you're actually going to hell

and it's gonna be sad because i wish my friend could go to heaven with me but they're going to hell because you're a fucking slut god turning away drew because he's too ran through no he's literally I actually am ran through as fuck like I'm not even exaggerating I'm ran through but like not by like what you would expect I have don't touch me i have electric feel last time i was a ran through i was told last time you ran through yeah um also i decided that like the worst thing anybody who is not in my core group of people oh my god you're like blowing up are you going viral right now i'm literally going viral as fuck on Grindr. They found out you fucking ran through

and they're hitting you up. I put my face on there for the first time in five years. Is your face not on there? Absolutely not. Hell no. I would never do that. I don't even know what you're even talking about. Then why were you so like sure that your face wasn't on it?

It's just not. One day. It's actually crazy how covid is over like it's it's crazy how it has ended no i don't know anybody with covid no one knows anybody with covid it's just over well i don't think it just ended i don't think it was real to begin with no facts they had They had to start a war. It was a plandemic. It was a plandemic and they started a war to get our attention off the COVID. Because the government was over it. It's all. Fauci literally was like, you know what?

I'm going to quit. It's so over that he's like, I'm walking away. I'm done. But yeah, COVID's over. It's actually crazy. And they planned a war. For the next year, though, there are going to be the people who are like, am I the only one who I know the mask mandate is lifted everywhere,

but I refuse to go outside without a mask? And I'm like, you're a pussy. You're a loser. The thing is, I'm like, okay, I did my part. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

Like, the world is ending. We're going into a war.'m done i'm done i'm done i'm done like the world is ending we're going into a war like it's done it's done it's done the economy is about to collapse like let me live unironically i want a gun i want a gun so bad we were talking about this last night and a friend of ours who it makes sense that they would have a gun because they have like extremely like intense valuables so it's like yeah i guess like that makes sense and then everyone in the room it was a room of like three losers with like the most expensive thing they have is like their iphone myself i'm protecting myself no one wants to like harm you like how do you know that if i had a gun that would be 100 true no the thing is is if i had a gun and like someone

actually did re-break into the house i wouldn't shoot them i would probably shoot myself i say this drew all the time like myself oh i just drew all the time like the murderer the killer would get to the gun before you and use your own gun on you. No, because they wouldn't use it on me. I would accidentally shoot my foot or something. And then he would be like, oh, I literally cannot rob this person because they actually are, like, lacking brain power. They would just walk out. Like, walk right out. No, I'm assuming they came in to like steal things

so like if you're shot in the foot they're probably just gonna like keep it pushing yeah and steal things the good thing is that like uh realistically like somebody who's coming in our house to steal things aren't gonna steal the things we actually care about which is like our stupid little like toys and things yeah because that's what i get they're gonna take my computer and i'm like i don't give a fuck you can have my computer. I want my little toys that are one of none. I'm like, have the computer. I want my silly little stinky zine I bought three years ago that I refuse to get rid of.

Exactly, exactly. My stinky zine with water damage. It's the way that I literally have so much patriotism right now. What is happening over here? You need to chill i just love america um that's brave i'm just switching up i'm switching the narrative we need to go back to republic i said that yesterday i was like i'm gonna be i was like i'm trying forecasting trump is gonna be in in the next year I'm going to be the first influencer

And he was literally trend forecasting Trump Saying like I'm going to start standing Trump now Because in three years it's going to be cool To stand Trump And I'm like you are like actually deranged And you have like real issues I'm trend forecasting Trump is going to slay the house boots

He literally is going to win The presidency again unfortunately and that's why we all have to get out there and vote you're trend forecasting the next vote don't vote for trump i'm serious you might be the first person to say that the thing is when i say shit like this i'm like i know someone's like gonna be like they're to flip it and they're going to be like, it's not fucking funny. And I'm like, it literally is. It literally is funny to like play. It's the way that we saw the killer. We actually saw the killer and I just got chills.

Have we told you about this guy? Dude, it literally was actually so scary. So we went to see Worst Person in the World, which is our fucking top tier movie. Best movie that I've seen this year. Yeah. Literally, it's my media of the week. I know it's Drew's media of the week. Like, it is so fucking good.

But we went together. We were supposed to go with Josh, but Josh fucking bailed on us because he doesn't fucking love us and he hates us and he actually wants us to die. He literally does not care about us. Sorry. with josh but josh fucking bailed on us because he doesn't fucking love us and he hates us and he actually wants us to die um i'm sorry he doesn't care about us and he literally bought me in and out and let me you edit on his computer all day today um but we were supposed to sit with him he couldn't oh are you kidding me i barely moved the thing how did you even hear that run that back you heard how loud that was i'm just gonna edit the sound so that it's gone you're going to hell um so you're trying so hard to like

tickle me you are so soft like actually i'm not even saying are my legs soft they're like nah yes your hands are like really soft like't you want these hands on your body? I want them to touch my ass. They're actually really soft. You want me to touch your member. I'm not kidding. If I close my eyes and you're like, are these mannequin hands or human hands? I would literally say mannequin hands because they are so soft.

Also, they feel like, do you know Sophia the robot? They feel like how I imagine Sophia the robot skin feels. Kai, would you like a touch? Yeah. Oh my God. What is wrong with you? You want to touch and you're so bad. No, you guys don't understand how hard my life is because I can't touch anyone with my hands.

I will say the other day you rubbed your fucking palm sweat on my like leg and it actually was like the scariest thing ever. My hands are so fucking sweaty now. I've genuinely never noticed. Is it a recent thing? You should get Botox in your hands like a normal person would. It's especially bad in the last week. After hanging out around me because you're so nervous. Yeah. No, you should get Botox in your hands like a normal person would. It's especially bad in the last week. After hanging out around me because you're so nervous. Yeah.

No, you should get Botox in your hands. Yeah, that could be a good Patreon episode. Are you insinuating that we have to get you Botox? I'll pay for the Botox. I genuinely would consider paying for the Botox. How much would it be? I don't know. I'll Google it.

Let's see. We'll go in for you. we'll go in for you we'll go we'll go in on you raw dog style yeah get rid of my wrinkles on my hands um i don't think it's that as much as it is like um filling the pores but maybe we could do that and then i can get my palms red that would be really we can change the description of your palm yeah we can change my desk um i'm gonna take my leg off because i feel like it's like heavy it's fine but you can take it off i'm like a strong boy i've got strong thighs and calves um so i get to put my leg on you you can if you want no i have wet pants um so we went to this movie theater it was a cute theater but it was fucking empty and

also it wasn't regular seats couches no it was couches and we thought we saw the real killer like i really the real killer was in the theater with us he was in the theater with us the killer was and he like sat okay so the movie finished and like he sat all the way through the credits like we were watching a marvel movie and he he sat there like the stillest I've ever seen. The whole movie he was in the same position. And he did not move his face at all. Like he sat as still as this. Also like to like give like more context, it's like little couches.

And he had the whole couch to himself. So he couldn't like sprawl down and got comfy. And like leaned back a little bit. But he stood back still the whole time. And I looked at him multiple times through the movie and there wasn't a glimpse of expression No, I kept looking at him because I was like is this motherfucker crying like everyone is crying like you have to be crying and he Literally had nothing on his face. It literally looked like he was wearing a mask. It was literally so scary It was so scary. And the reason we even stayed after credits is because the movie was like so good.

I wanted to do a stupid thing where like I filmed a bunch of clips of me like crying and being like annoying and like dying and passing away in the theater. So we stayed for a minute and I was like, he's going to get up soon. And like we sat there. Like a normal fucking person would.

And we sat there and he didn't move. And then it was like like the credits were like done like they were showing the logos of the production companies already and the lights had already come on like yeah he was literally just sitting in like a bright ass movie theater like staring at the credits but that's the craziest part is like this isn't even the real killer yeah this isn't the killer the main killer of the story but he's not the killer so then we leave like we i go to the bathroom and me and drew are like just talking about the movie i'm like wiping my fucking puffy ass cry face and we're like walking down the theater's empty and we

should have walked back in and see if i know i'm assuming the killer wasn't there because we went to the parking lot and also to pre preface, before we got in the theater, this car was there downstairs with the lights on. Like the whole car was on. And we looked in and no one was in it. And it was like an old ass, like no branded car. Like I couldn't see, like it wasn't like, it looked like a Toyota Camry, but there was no logos on it at all. It really felt like a test. Like it felt like a test by like saw like jigsaw yeah and it was like if you touch the

door handle like a pig a person in a pig mask is gonna come out and like chlorophyll you and kill you and like and nobody was in the car chlorophyll you yeah chlorophyll me up damn so then we go back downstairs to my to the parking lot to go to my car and there's no other cars in the parking lot other than my car and this fucking killer car yeah and me and jared talking and we're talking yeah we're talking and walking and i'm sorry like dude both of us go deathly silent but we keep walking and we're both staring at the car and we're like oh this is i'm getting chill like we know and like hi i'm not kidding we weren't saying anything to each other. Like, we both stopped dead in our tracks from talking.

And we were just, like, walking past the car. And both of us, like, we weren't saying anything to each other. We started speeding up past the car because, and then we just ran to my car and actually started screaming and got in my car and like was freaking the fuck out. It's because what we saw, we both saw it and neither of us said it to each other because we're like, that was actually insane. Like that had to have been my fucking eyes. Yeah, that's something you take to the grave because if you say it out loud, you're literally a psychopath and you need to be locked away. But like we both saw it.

We were looking in the window in the driver's seat of this car. He was like, oh, like they have to be in there now, right? Yeah, because the car was still on. we were looking in the window in the driver's seat of this car. Cause he was like, Oh, like they have to be in there now. Right. Yeah. Cause the car was still on. Yeah. And we look in and there's like this really old man sitting in the car, like hit like a giant head of this. It's like a huge head sitting in this car in the driver's seat.

And then like, as you walk closer, it morphed into like a young person's head. And then me and Andy looked at each other and we were like, did you see that? And then both of us immediately knew what we saw. And then me and India looked at each other and we were like, did you see that? And then both of us immediately knew what we saw. And then we, when we were running,

we both looked back because we were like, that had to have been a reflection of a poster. And there was nothing. There was nothing. And we both saw this. It was so fucking scary. We both saw the same shit. Swear on my mother's fucking earth.

We described it to each other at the same exact same time it was the most ominous shit ever and then when when we got into the parking garage before like when we parked i was like why is this the quietest parking garage yeah it was like deathly like quiet but it was full and right after we saw it and like we both like what triggered our running is like we both saw it we were silent and we were like did you see that and then a bird flew in the garage and we we both screamed and i was like actually like on the verge of tears it was so fucking scary i was like i'm i'm dying in this parking lot yeah i was like there's someone in the back of this car did you look in the back of the car i was like and i looked in the car hella hard because i was like there has to be a person in there and there

wasn't a person in there in our car like i looked i was like there's a person in there. And there wasn't a person in there. No, in our car. Like, I looked in there. I was like, there's a person in our car. No, I just looked around. Oh, not in your car. But there was a person in there. No, there wasn't a person in the car we had looked in. There was no person. And we both saw this fucking figure shift. It was the most.

And, like, it was, like, as we got close. And that's why I thought it had to have been a poster. Because as we got closer, it morphed. Like, it literally, so more into like a younger Dude, it was so weird And then yeah, we looked and we looked all over the garage and like there were there was literally nothing but soundproofing on the ceiling And like that was it. Yeah, it's so weird. There was no posters and the car was still on. Yeah What the fun? I didn't see the killer. You know, if you guys had invited me, there would have been a third person to, like, confirm this.

Are you, like, are you saying you don't believe us? No, he's saying he wanted to be invited. And we did invite you. We did invite you. Oh, fuck. And you were busy. Never mind. Never mind.

Forget that I said that. You're a freak. You were busy. That is so fucking crazy. No, it was actually fucking insane. And when I was retelling it, I got chills again. Like, I've never had an experience like that in my life. I'm so, like, not a believer of paranormal activity at all.

But that shit freaked me out. When you guys were describing it, that entire thing, I felt the same feeling that I got when I saw the trailer for under the skin the first time no word Yeah, yeah like that the alien like weird just like yeah Did it felt so it it really it genuinely felt like otherworldly? I've never like in like it was so but it was the most like I said it when i got out of the car i was like why is this the most silent space i've ever been in in my entire life like there were no sounds like there wasn't even ringing in my ears like it was literally like a liminal space almost and i want to go back to the garage so i do want to go back because also what's weird is as i think about

it like that night was so good though like even post that like i felt really good like going into the theater i felt good like it felt awesome but that was like genuinely like i was like scared when i was like unlocking my car i literally was like i need to get in my car i was like my ankles are gonna be slashed like there's gonna be a ghost that like kills me like it really was like like pure you know what's also weird is the the reflection thing was in black and white like yes oh my god i literally forgot that we forgot to say that black and white and it wasn't in color like the the reflect the like guy in it was just like it was fully black it was like gray and white i could literally like it's so vivid in my head still that i could like draw it like i could like

i don't know and like it it was almost like an apex twin like like old like apex twins like take on like an old person like rick rubin looking motherfucker for the first old guy yeah that's so crazy well not no i was saying like an apex twin character like someone in his universe like a chris cunningham like music video yeah um but yeah it was very like scary um yeah that was an alien for sure that's what it i'm not kidding that is what it felt like it didn't feel like a ghostly like presence it literally felt like in like an otherworldly presence and it was really in aliens now? No, because I don't foresee that happening to me ever again. Well, Elon Musk

is starting human trials on the Neuralink. Even though all the monkeys died? Yeah, and I don't give a fuck. And I want it, Elon. I'm literally, there are literally hundreds of thousands of people who would back you

if I got brain damage from this thing. Like, they would say, oh, he wanted it. Like, he really wanted it. Like, I'm saying it out loud. Like, please give it to me. Like, I'm actually begging. I wouldn't let you. Why?

Because my life is too intertwined with you. If I lost you, I would, like, fuck up my whole life. So, all I am is a work? Did I say work high? No, no she didn't she insinuated no you twisted her words yeah i said my life is intertwined she just expressed like a deep sentiment of love to you and then you twisted it because you think it's about money well you can't trust anybody says who me I can't trust anybody. My hands are so fucking sweaty.

Your balls are sweaty. We need to get you some... They are sweaty. Okay. What? This is the other thing I was going to say. The worst thing you can do on Instagram if I've been following you for five plus years is post on Instagram. Because don't let me catch you at the top of my fucking timeline. I am unfollowing you.

And it's not me trying to be mean like I'm unfollowing you like don't if I see you on my timeline and it's bringing back memories I'm unfollowing yeah I do not need that like I don't need to be like oh my god I like I don't need to be like how do I know this person like I don't want to think about it you know what I'm about to do I'm about to unfollow literally everybody so I can like unfollow like a few people that I don't want to be following anymore. And instead of just like making it very targeted, I'm like, oh, I just forgot to follow you back and just never follow them back.

I can be your friend and not follow you. Exactly. I can be your friend and not care about what you see, what I see on your, like what you post on Instagram. I can be your friend and think your photos are really fucking ugly and just not want to follow you no i actually do not give a fuck about like my following i don't even go through like the home page anymore like i genuinely like just like scroll on my explorer page and watch like monkeys eat fucking pomegranates and bread the thing is i keep up with like maybe 15 people and

then everybody else like i never see and that's why when i see them i'm like oh like i'm not even looking at yourself yeah sorry sorry about that we gotta bring back casual instagram guys photo dumps we need we need to bring back casualty instagram in theory like i would like to actually just post i think i've gotten better at that though i literally just like look at something i'm like i'm gonna post this and then i just post but i i think i'm gonna like start hella posting yeah like i foresee that being the next thing is just like over posting like i want to treat ig like a blog like blog style slay yeah why don't you i want to treat you like my blog and just like put myself all over you i'm i'm i've begged you for months for that

yeah i like when you beg but i'm not gonna actually give it to you how's that feel you just call me a bitch and you're laughing about it oh no i wasn't laughing don't fucking do you will never see the light of day again i can't i literally can't i'm fucking bitch saying you will never see the light of day again is such a deeply like dark sentiment i'm gonna put you in a cellar you will never see the sun again. It's pretty scary. I can do that to both of you. Is that what I'm saying? Has your butthole seen the sun before?

Yeah. Actually? Yeah. Really? Or no, I guess it's seen the moon. Your butthole? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, because it's like you would have to, you would know if it has. Because even if you're outside naked, you have to spread your cheeks. I think that's something that I need to do soon. Yeah, I do. Oh, I want to be naked like in nature so bad. I've been naked outdoors at night, not in the day. Yeah. I got naked outside a couple times in high school.

Because you're a slut? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. I'm hella ran through. Literally in the nature center are you kidding me no you're going to hell twice and i'm snitching on you different people slut we need to bring back slut shaming we need to bring back bullying we need to bring back homophobia patriotism i'm kidding we've made a lot of progress at this podcast we've

done a lot for society we literally have done so much here at emergency intercom we've done a lot for the progression of society oh my god if anything no i modeled the waters i genuinely believe we've like calmed some people down yeah cause I do like although I talk about this a lot like it's needed like it was just the grand swing of things the pendulum just needed to reset itself yeah like it did need to

swing very like far I don't want to say left cause it's like that's I hate using like a political term for it but it did need to swing super high where like okay it was very clear like there was no room needed yeah there was no room to be like poking fun at these things because not enough change was made and now i think we're kind of coming to a spot of course a lot of change still needs to be made but i think we're coming to a point where it's like, okay, like you can like say these things.

Let's have some fun. And you know it's a joke. Let's have some fun. You know I'm fucking joking, you fucking bitch. Let's have some fun. Don't touch my fucking, don't keep my fucking wife's name out your fucking mouth. That is my vibe though. Keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth.

I would slap someone for you. I would slap the shit out of someone for you. But I will say, not on public television, no. No. No. I know. Because I would also, I would break down. I would slap the shit out of someone for a stranger.

And you saw it. You're fucking annoying. You don't have to get into it, but let's just say I'm a good person. Oh, well, a good person doesn't have to speak on the good things they do. They just let those actions speak. I never spoke on it. I never spoke on it. Barely spoke on it.

I know. He was really good about it. Like, he just kind of hinted at it. Can you hand me my Cheetos? Oh, my God. You're not going to be hungry for dinner. I have a cold and i can't go to dinner you have a cold heart that's what you have

should we pop on the media yeah yeah uh 53 minutes right on time i almost said something so nasty Yeah, 53 minutes right on time. I almost said something so nasty. I'm in heat. I'm literally in heat. She is. I'm in heat.

I need to fuck. I need to fuck. It's been like this for eight months. I'm always in heat. It's like actually a problem. I'm never not horny. But we don't have to get into it i'm literally salivating at the idea of cock right now my i'm sorry i wrote oh i i say this every episode but my life has been too normal and good recently oh my god expect something Oh my God. Expect something horrible to drop soon. I don't know what.

Something big is coming. I'm genuinely thinking like. Okay, my media of the week. Life has been way too solid. Like I like really have like very little to complain about. Which like is a fucking vibe. But I'm like the pendulum always has to swing. What's coming? Okay, that's a fucking vibe. But I'm like, the pendulum always has to swing. What's coming?

Okay, that's good. My media of the week is Peace by Dave. I thought. What? I didn't know where that sound was coming from and it freaked me out. No, you're about to get mad at me. I was. You should be mad at yourself.

My media of the week is Peace by Dave Bigsby. I'm going to fucking hit you in the neck. Healing Part One by Todd Rundgren. Bury Me Next to You by Bilal. And Your Mom is a Slut. Oh, my God. What was that last one? Wait, I shouldn't talk to her. And then talk to her. I think I already said that movie.

Fuck you. Motherfucker. My media is Space Moth by Stereolab. You are smacking the fuck out of your mouth right now. Like it is awful and I'm gonna fucking hit you.

In God's childlike hands lauren order i'm not kidding i'm gonna actually hurt you finish what you're saying before you eat with your mouth open okay parasite by nick drake this is showing how much you care about your viewers right now and it's very low about my what about your feelings This is what gets the views, baby. Should I do the meme section? No! Let's toy with the idea where we play with memes. Where we play with my member? Should I play with my member right now?

So the memes of the week- My member needs touching. Now. This week's meme one of three is this. It has to be memes that I haven't seen so we can get a reaction. Yeah. And then when I don't laugh, it's going to be embarrassing. Yours is a really good one.

You've already seen all these. This is just a classic. Some of y'all should live here. Not naming names. We need to visit this street because I need a photo with it. Where is it? New York? No, there's a street here. Called Gay Street. And we need to go. I got destroyed on your meme account. Do what?

I got destroyed. Oh, yeah. On the tag, it's someone... That's the one I showed. On the tag, someone gay to out them. All of the comments were about Kai. And it was people that don't even know Kai that were commenting. Celebrities, of course. And then... We'll stick with the theme.

Just another classic. Swaggers for boy, minnows is for men you're for men oh yeah those are the memes of the week i'm so sweaty dude i actually sweat from one armpit only when i'm not hot but i'm like vocally and active i when i'm active with my mouth that's real i need to get active with my mouth immediately. Nipples scare the fuck out of me. Nipples? They're so weird.

Like, genuinely, they're so weird. I'd like to put some nipples in my mouth. Of course. Soon. Sooner than later. But yeah, they scare the fuck out of me. And also, I can relate to this. They feel weird.

What? When people touch things. They feel weird. What? When people touch things. Oh, yeah. I have really sensitive nipples. Like some things are meant to be kept private, Kai. Yeah. As soon as I said it, I was just like, I wish I could take that back. My shit is blowing up.

Thank you. All right. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode um it was a rocky start but we got here in the end was it really rocky no i wasn't i just wanted to say that it's because i spoke for more time no it's because you went on a rant about being sexy and i don't like that everybody wants to hear it. I don't want you to have confidence. Alright. Bye. Outro Music