EntreLeadership - #149: Leading the Next Generation

Episode Date: May 30, 2016

How do you lead a generation of team members who work under a totally new set of rules? Leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore joins us to share his research and advice on leading Millennials, who now make up a full one-third of our workforce. Also on tap, we’re featuring a special conversation with Dr. Meg Meeker, best-selling author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. Dr. Meeker gives advice on how to raise great kids and parent really well. entreleadership.com/podcast Infusionsoft's Sales Team Hiring Guide Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

helping business leaders grow themselves, their team, and their profits. This is the Entree Leadership Podcast. Now, here is your host, Ken Coleman. Broadcasting from the Music City, this is the podcast of leaders, by leaders, for leaders. Thank you so much for joining the conversation. Looking forward to today's episode, Dr. Meg Meeker and Dr. Tim Elmore. Two doctors, two different conversations. Tim Elmore is an expert on millennials, and really all generations.

coming up behind the millennials is book Generation IY. Communicating effectively with a younger generation is our focus on this podcast. This is super, super helpful, not just as a leader, but also as a parent. Or maybe as a coach if you're involved with these younger generations. Really important stuff. Research-based, this data will really help you out. And then Dr. Meg Meeker, who is a family life specialist, a pediatrician who has had a stellar career.

Of course, she still practices, but moving into speech. in writing and the author of a couple of best-selling books, my two favorite books that I think are absolutely mandatory reading for any parent, strong father, strong daughter, then strong mother, strong son. And this conversation is going to help you because we need to remember that most of you out there aren't just leaders in business, but you're fathers and mothers. And this is important stuff. And Eric, you know, he wanted me to tell you. It's not a warning. It's just a fact. I get vulnerable with that. Dr. Meghker so that I put myself on the spot so that you can learn it through me. This is good

stuff. And I think you're really going to enjoy it. We think you will be encouraged. And of course, we have free resources as always. Entree leadership team bringing you great stuff, as is the folks who help us power this podcast and FusionSoft. So stay tuned for that. I've known Dr. Tim Elmore for a long time met him when we both worked together for John Maxwell. And Tim was involved with Equip, which is a nonprofit that trains leaders around the world that John Maxwell founded. And he's such a great guy, one of the nicest human beings alive. Over time, he really has become a leadership expert specifically on how do you lead younger generations, future leaders.

Now, just give you some context. These are kids that are born since 1990. So the last 25 years or so of young people coming into society, this new workforce is about 80 million strong. They've got a whole new set of rules. You didn't set them. They have. But here's the thing. You have to adapt and help them figure out how they're going to work in your companies. And this is a big conversation. And he comes at it from a very positive standpoint. It's not woe is me and pull your hair out. Sometimes it's very easy to beat up on millennials. So this conversation is for leaders and parents who want to best understand these younger generations and prepare them so that they can be propelled.

I've figured this out, by the way. This is like Stacey and I, that's our whole goal as parents. I think I'm going to pass it on to you folks. Think about this. Our whole job as parents and really as leaders is to prepare so that they can propel. Prepare them and propel them moving forward. This is a great conversation. Here is Dr. Tim Elmore. Tim, it's a thrill to talk with you. I have been following your work for a long time. So excited about this topic because the men and women that are listening in today, there's so much misinformation about millennials. It's a dirty word to some leaders. You know, they're scared of it.

And you're an expert on it, and you coined a phrase that is going to really give us the context of our entire conversation. Generation IY, that's the name of the book. And so I want you to take just a minute or two to explain, how'd you come up with IY? What does it mean and what's significant about it when we talk about millennials? A great question, Ken, and I so appreciate your passion for the emerging generation. I have given my life to students. This is my 37th year. Now I've seen four generations come through college and young employeeship along the way.

So Generation IY is a term that we began using about six or seven years ago that describes really the latter half of the millennials. We call them Gen Y or the millennials for years and years. But Generation IY describes the second half, which I think was different than the first. first half. In other words, the kids that grew up in the 90s are different than the kids that grew up in the 80s. So in short, my definition for Generation IY is the last half of the millennials and the first half of Generation Z, which would be the kids born since the turn of the century, who are a little more hackers and so forth. It's a subpopulation, but I think it's so important for employers to understand them and how their brain functions and what they value. So we're doing our best to help people

really exigent how do I lead them well to become the best version of themselves. All right. So just for practicality, you kind of mentioned the last half. Let's just give an age range because we get some people who are trying to keep up with us here. So Generation Iowa would be this subset, but it's the kids born since 1990. So the last 20, 25 years of young people, I think any mom or dad, any employer would go, yep, they're just a little different than me, you know, and they just have a set of rules that they live by. And sometimes employers are getting, as you mentioned, frustrated because they're, well, one in eight millennials will bring their parent to the job interview. I mean, I'm serious. Which is mind-boggling, isn't it? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. And sometimes they'll text during the job interview, or they'll send out a little Instagram. Hey, I'm in a job interview. And the importance going, hello. Now, you and I are giggling, but I think what we got to do is say, let me help you become the adult you need to become. But we're going to have to also lean in and say, what can we learn from this largest population in the workforce today? And they're just going to get bigger. They're 80 million strong. Wow. Okay. So this is huge. This is huge. And so folks, there's the context. All right. So we're going to dive into so many different factors here for you the leader to understand the situation that you're dealing with with millennials, how they're wired, why they're wired that way. Why they act the way they do? How you lead them. We're going to get into all

that. But first, I think we got to start with this huge irony here, Tim, that we as leaders may get frustrated with some of the patterns and behaviors, but largely we're responsible for it. So let's look at the irony that so many of these kids are unready after graduation. Yet, as a culture, parents were obsessed with getting them ready, yet it's not happening. Why? Yeah. Well, Ken, this is an interesting question you ask. I think we not only have a new generation of kids on our hands today, we have a whole new generation of parents. And I'm one of them, so are you. And when we look at our peers, we see there's a new report card for us as parents. And essentially, the report card is, I must give my child everything they want. I'm a bad parent if I don't get the latest gadget or iPhone or iPod. And that's not essentially wicked. But you and I know, when we've done too much for them, and then on the other hand, not enough for them, I say whenever you have trouble with a 21-year-old, it's usually one or two extremes that have happened, abandonment or abandement or abundance. We've either as adults not done enough for them to get them ready or we've done so much

that they're not ready. I just talked to a executive who was orienting brand new employees, and one gal raised her hand and said, when do we get our spring break? Oh my word. Spring break. And she said, sweetheart, we don't have a spring break here. We actually work all year round, you know, but that was the new thing. It was just like a new dorm for her in some ways. You and I both know this. Ken, we have parents now call. employers to negotiate a raise for their child or resolve conflict. And so I think these are well-intentioned parents, but unwittingly, it's often been mom and dad. They're at the root of them not being ready. I've lost count of the number of university deans that have said to me, 26 is the new 18. Wow.

And you follow that. Yeah, it's just a new day. So I don't think these kids are evil. I don't think they're stupid. I don't think they're bad. I just think that they're cognitively and biologically advanced, but emotionally behind. Kids today, as they come onto the job, are over-exposed to information far earlier than they're ready, and then under-exposed to real-life experiences far later than they're ready. So this over-exposure, under-exposure creates a kid that can be very cocky because he's watched 17 YouTube videos on this subject, but he's never actually done it. So again, I'm not throwing every kid under the bus. I love these young people.

I've worked with them now for three and a half decades. But I think we've got to be mentors, not just managers now. We've got to help them get emotionally and socially ready for the workplace. And that's what we're after. Okay, Tim, so you just dropped some bombs there. I'm wondering if we create a perfect storm. And I think this is a leadership question, because leaders, we need to understand this, when you've got abandonment plus abundance.

And what I mean by that is we have a lot of affluent kids. Yeah, yeah. But there's not a whole lot of mentoring going on in the home. They're not getting the experience. They're getting the participation thing. They've not experienced loss and pain and struggle. Is that true that there's a perfect storm where kids are suffering from abandonment and abundance? Yeah, it can be simultaneous.

And that's the irony of our day. That's why we don't see what's happened. Let me give you a case study. You may remember, Ken, about 20 years ago or so, the playgrounds, of America began to change. Monkey bars and jungle gyms began to be swiped off the playground because little Johnny might fall off and break his arm, you know, or whatever. So even though psychologists immediately started writing papers saying, wait, wait, wait,

do you realize if we take this monkey bar off, there'll be a reduction in some of the motor skills? The same motor skills that are used to navigate a tall jungle gym are also used in our 20s as we navigate that big job interview for the first time, asking some of the same. asking someone to marry us for the first time, all those things. But alas, parents said, we're taking these things off. Well, now those kids 20 years ago that were six and seven and eight years old are now 26, 27, and 28 years old, psychologists in America, Europe, and Australia are all writing about how they're seeing a disproportionate amount of 20-somethings who are having chronic depression or despair

because they're having phobias over normal risk-taking ventures. Now, you and I both know entrepreneurs have to take risk. So here's what's weird about this. 90% of college students today, 9 out of 10, want to be an entrepreneur. They want to work for themselves, not for a boss. At the same time, this same batch of kids, unfortunately, they're risk-averse. So I'm thinking, oh, my gosh, great that you want to start your own company. You do know it may fail a few times before you make it.

So somehow we're going to have to bridge this gap. I think it's an emotional social gap. I don't think their hard skills are horrible. I think they're good on computers. I think it's soft skills that we may have to build in them. And you and I both are believers that people skills are of utmost importance. And so I'll stop there. No, that's really good. Is it too late to develop the soft skills? And if it isn't, because I think I know the answer, then how do we dive in after the fact, if you will? Yeah. That's the number one question I'm asking at events that do can is a parent will raise their hand and sometimes in tears and they'll say I've got a 23 year old or 25 year old or 27 year old still living at the house is it too late and I wouldn't be doing this

podcast with you if I felt like it was too late I believe we just have to change the way we go about it for instance if we're an employer of a young 20 something and they need help I think we can arrange for mentors to be a part of their life just informal mentors that can talk them about specific growth areas that they need to grow in. I still have mentors. I'm 56 years old. With my own two kids, Ken, we arranged at 13 years old for each of them to have a set of mentors. Bethany had six women. Jonathan had six men. That right of passage year, we arranged for these adults to be a part of their life that would echo some of the values we had bought into, but even more than that, begin to talk to them about the future, about skill sets they needed to

build in their life. And then, Ken, Ken, Ken, here's what's really fun. When my children were 12, 13 years old, my wife and I would have parties for our adult friends to come over, and our kids would host the party. At first, they would roll their eyes and go, oh, m.g, this is so stupid, you know? But eventually, you know what they learned to do? Answer the door. Hi, Mr. Johnson, come on in. Have you met Mrs. Smith? Would you like an iced tea? Can I take your coat? And both my kids are gamefully employed right now, you know? So I'm just saying we can begin to introduce exercises and people that at the age appropriate level, they can do this. So even if you're a parent listening right now and you're an employer as well and you go,

oh my gosh, my son is or my daughter's this way, it's not too late. It's not too late. All right, let's flip this a little bit. Let's talk about the upside. I mean, there are tons of eagles in this generation. Yeah. They're not all disasters and immature beyond belief. Let's look at the upsides that we need to be kind of mining for, if you will, as leaders. And then how do we develop those? First, let's go at what are the upsides, things that are inherent to this generation that we need to be aware of? Well, you're absolutely right. We can't lump them all in together in the bad box or the good box.

But by and large, among the millions of these young adults that are emerging into adulthood and the workforce, course. Here are a few that I think we can generally speaking hang our hat on and really capitalize on. Number one, there's a general sense of confidence in these young people. Now, some might say they're overconfident, but I love that. I'd rather taper down or temper the confidence than try to raise the dead, you know? There's a high school survey given every year. And recently, 86% of high school students today believe the next Bill Gates is in their generation. 51% believe they know the next Bill Gates. 24% believe they are the next Bill Gates. So there's a great sense of confidence. But again, I love confidence. I'd rather temper it than try to drum it up. Number two, they think outside the box.

So if you're an employer right now and you're going, I need people to think out, boy, welcome the millennials, welcome Gen IY. They will think out of the box. They do something I call creative mixing. They can take one idea from one place and one idea from another. and blend them together. And perhaps we boomers or X-ards would have never been able to do that because we're stuck

in our ways. They're tech savvy. Maybe the word savvy is not the right word, but they're definitely at home in the world of technology. Pew Research says that college students today put technology in the same category as air and water. Wow. I have to have it.

So there's definitely a sense of this is my world. It's an appendage to my body. And I think we can capitalize on that. We certainly need to build healthiness. around that, but they're going to know this world that we're moving toward probably better than we do. And here's another one. By and large, our research tells us they're family-oriented. And by that I mean they really want to be a part of a healthy functioning family. In fact, if they don't have one at home, they want to create one. They want the workplace to feel like family. And I know some

employers might say, good grief, you can't do that. But work-life balance is not what they want. Work-life blending is what they want. And then let me do one more just because I think you would appreciate this. By and large, as I mentioned earlier, these young adults are entrepreneurial in nature. They want to start things. They want to, you know, do something significant. And they're very aware of their influence. Think about it, Ken. They're aware that they've grown up in a day that with one tweet, it could go viral. That's right. With one YouTube post, it could go viral. With one blog post, they can leverage that well. And I think a lot of us as older established leaders can benefit from some of these traits that they bring to the table. You know, that's fascinating what you just shared. I want to jump

ahead in the, I'm not going to go through chapter by chapter, but chapter 12 is called saving the future, unleashing their leadership potential. So I'm kind of jumping ahead in my interview because I think it fits right here. So when leaders understand this, what they bring to the table, how we can learn from them, be influenced by them, and then kind of channel them in the right direction. Yeah. I want you to unpack that message. I know it's a whole chapter, but how do we unleash these young people, these IY kids. I call them kids because I'm in my 40s now, but maybe they're not kids. You know what I'm saying. Sure. Yeah. Well, I think there's a couple of thoughts that I would share here. I think we're going to have to, as I said earlier,

see ourselves as mentors, not just managers of this emerging generation. We need to build bridges of relationship that can bear the weight of truth. So that means I can't just be this ivory tower boss that gets ticked off because they don't have any work ethic, I need to build a bridge of relationship that earns me the right to say, you need to build a work ethic. Something that Dr. Leonard Sweet said, and I quote him in the book, he says, this is an epic generation. And whenever you want to deliver a message, a big idea to this emerging generation, it's good to remember their epic. And I don't say that just because they love the word epic, although they do love the word epic. I say it because the letters E PIC so aptly describe who they are and how to be. And how

they learn. So the letter E and Epic reminds me they're experiential. They're not looking for a sage on the stage with a lecture. I do think they're looking for a guide on the side with an experience. So more we can create environments and experiences from which we teach or equip them, the more sticky we're going to be. The letter P and Epic reminds me they're participatory. Think about the world they grew up in. They've been able to participate in the outcomes of where almost everything's going since they were five years old. As young adults, they can hardly watch a reality TV show without voting on who stays on the show next week. So is there a way as leaders that we can give them ownership? Let them put their fingerprints on where this program is going or this product

or this service is going. I just believe that young people support what they help create. And we'll say that again. Young people support what they help create. So if we can let them put their fingerprints on, we're going to get ownership much better. The letter I in epic is my favorite one. They're image rich. They grew up in a world of screen. I call them screenagers, not teenagers. They've grown up a world where it's full of images and icons. In fact, we're texting now, pictures more than words, emojis. I think images are the language of the 21st century. They really are. So is there a word picture or a metaphor that we can attach to that big idea we're trying to communicate. And that metaphor becomes the anchor and the language now that we use.

Ken, you're familiar with the habitudes we've created. It's our number one seller. Habitudes are images that form leadership habits and attitudes. It's simply a way to teach timeless principles with an image that now becomes a language to build a culture in the organization. And then the letter C in Epic is connected. This emerging generation is connected, both socially as well as technologically. So is there a way if we're downloading a big idea to a group of, let's say, 25 new employees that we can stop halfway through our content and let them connect with each other, maybe in five groups of five, and give them a well-crafted question, one that can't be answered with yes or no, and push them to really connect and think out loud and, and again,

own the idea. I have just found that when leaders and teachers are epic in their style of communicating, the stickier they get, the more chances they have of getting through. And that's what I would advise anybody listening to really become epic in our communication. That is so good right there. I'm going to tell you that right now. Folks, just rewind that, write it down, talk with your leadership team about that so that you can begin to see through that lens. I think that's an incredible acronym and a lot of wisdom there. Tim, I want you to weigh in on something here for our audience. Let's talk about the realities here, knowing what we've just discussed. Yeah. In 2000. 2016, we now have probably maybe one of the most diverse workforces as relates to generations and age.

And so there's such a different world here. We still have boomers that are still rocking it. Right. And then you got Generation X, my generation. And then you got this whole IY and the bottom half of the millennials. And then Generation Z, as you say, coming into the world. This is a diverse age group. So speak to leaders here.

Okay. How do they lead these multi-generational teams? This is something we're talking more and more to companies about. In fact, Ken, you'll appreciate this. I do an event now on this very topic called iPods, radios, and the Pony Express. Because we literally, you've got four generations in some workplaces working together. That's right. Whenever I talk about this subject, something I say, it's another acronym, but this might be a good handle for your listeners.

I, first of all, talk about the scene, the workplace scene, that we're in today. And I simply take the word seen, S-C-E-N-E, because I think the aptly describes five words that clearly and accurately define the workplace today. And then I show them the unattended consequences, why it makes working with different generations so difficult. The letter S and scene reminds me, our world is full of speed. If you think about everything's fat, Instagram, high-speed internet access, we love the world of speed that we live in. But if I grew up in a world of speed, I can easily assume that slow is bad. The letter C reminds me, our world is full of conveniences.

We all love the modern-day conveniences we enjoy. But if I grew up in a world of convenience, I can assume that hard is bad. The letter E reminds me, our world is full of entertainment. And now it's in our hands. But if I grow up in a world of entertainment, boring is bad. The letter in, not all kids today, but many of this batch of kids, has grown up a world of nurture, you know? I joke with parents that we put helmets on them at dinner time for Pete's sake. It's ridiculous, you know? Yeah, that's right. But if I grew up in a world of nurture and we all are living in

this world today, I can assume that risk is bad. And then finally, the last letter E, and not all, but many of us and our kids have grown up in a world of entitlement. I feel like I deserve this just because I'm here. And if I grew up in a world of entitlement, I can assume that labor is bad. if you think about what I just said about those unintended consequences, slow, hard, boring, risk, and labor, would you not agree, aren't those the very elements that grow me into a good leader, a good husband, a good father? I'm simply saying our marvelous world of speed and convenience is removing their very components that build life skills in us. So we've got to be more intentional. As we work multi-generations, boomers, Xers, Ys, we've got to be way more intentional about building these fundamental skill sets. than we were even 30 or 40 years ago. I think when we do and we get very intentional, emotional intelligence goes up, creativity goes up because we're hearing from each other,

empathy goes up because I now feel what you're feeling. So I'll just stop there. I know I've gone too long. We have just got to be way more intentional about mixing the generations and going after building some of these fundamental skills and learning to laugh at ourselves. John Maxwell used to, I was with John for 20 years.

John used to teach us in the early days, take your mission very seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously. And I think we've got to learn to laugh at our knucklehead things we do in each of our generations and say, let's learn to learn from each other. So good, folks. This is just, I mean, when I say just, I mean just a smidge of what is contained in the book, Generation I, Y, Secrets to Connecting with Today's Teens and Young Adults in the Digital Age. I'll give you my full endorsement to go get this book. trust me. You need to know about him. And Tim, I'll give you a chance to say goodbye to us and tell folks, how can they connect with your entire organization, Growing Leaders? Well, thank you, Ken. Our website is very, very easy. It's simply Growing Leaders.com. We have resources really both for the next generation. In fact, we have a habitus for new professionals that we've just created.

And then, of course, we have the resources that help employers, parents, coaches, teachers, really understand the next generation and lead them well. So we'd love you to visit. I do a blog three times a week that's just free and helps have conversations just like we've had today. So we'd love to have you connect. He is Dr. Tim Elmore and professional football teams, baseball teams, the NFL, so many athletic directors and beyond are coming to this man's doorstep to say, help me in this area, specifically Generation I-Y. Folks, you need to dive in, go get the book, connect with growing leaders at growingleaders.com. And Tim, you've been a long time friend. You model the way for me and so many others, and I appreciate you. Thanks for coming on.

Thanks, Ken. Great to be with you. All right, Tim's book is Generation IY, and he has updated the book, put some more information, some new data in there. And so we want to give you 50 copies. Now, you, well, that's up to you, right? I've got 50. We're going to get 50 away.

We're doing the book giveaways again. Thank you to Eric Producer and our Entree Leadership team. And so here's what you do to enter to win one of the 50 free copies. You've got to go to this episode's post. at Entreeleadership.com. The link is there in this episode. That's episode 149 if you're trying to find it a little bit quicker. And you fill out a couple of quick questions, provide our email and a Twitter handle,

and we have a tweet that will be sent out to promote this. So be paying attention for that. And you are then submitted to win a free copy of Generation IY. Pretty simple stuff. So just go to Entreeleadership.com, episode 149, follow the directions by clicking on the link. And we hope that you win a copy of this book. by the way, do yourself a favor, actually read it, and then pass it on to somebody or buy a copy

for somebody. That's what we're trying to do here by giving away these books, is create conversation around the topics that we think you need to be talking about. Also, Entree Leadership Defined, this is an upcoming free webinar. Now, Entry Leadership Defined, if you're a long time or consistent listener to this podcast, you know that this is a lesson that Dave teaches, and it actually was in episode 145. And so we are going to give this a well. This is a free webinar, simple, simple stuff here to do. It's June 16th, 1 p.m. Central. June 16th at 1 p.m. Central.

It's a Q&A, and you can really dive into a sample, if you will, of our all-access community. The webinar has our all-access coaches on it. Again, this is all free. Here's how you get to be a part of the Entree Leadership-defined webinar. Text all one word, entree leadership. Simple. Entree leadership, no spaces, entree leadership. Text that to 33444. 3344. Or if you'd rather, you can go to Entreeleadership.com slash podcast for the link. It's episode 149, click on the link, and you can sign up for the Entree Leadership to find webinar. I've been wanting for a while to have Dr. Meg Meeker on this podcast. It's not a leadership expert, not a business expert. As I said at the top of the podcast, she's a pediatric. who's raised some great kids has a passion to help parents. We cover a lot of stuff in this

conversation. Communication with your kids, roles in the family, prioritizing, planning, when to use open-ended questions. Getting some control, some positioning with your kids so that it's in the right place of the inmates aren't running the asylum if you've heard the old phrase. And, you know, listen, I put myself in your position and ask a few questions from my point of view, hoping that as you learned from me or through me, if you will, as she gives me some great advice that it will encourage you. So, hey, this will encourage your heart. Don't forget that I think that what matters in your home is far more important than what happens at the office.

Here is our conversation with Dr. McMeeker. Well, this is a treat of all treats. It's rare that you get to talk to someone in an interview style so much that when you meet in person multiple times, as Meg and I have, that she says to you at some point, I feel like I'm your second mom. Do you remember saying that to me? Of course I do. Do you say that to all the people that interview you or was that special? No, that was very special. You really do. I mean, you're just such a sweet man. You and I are sort of on the save way blank. Yeah, you just feel like another son to me and I feel invested in your career and your success. And I think you have a lot

of great things to say and to teach people. Well, that is very nice. So the feeling is extremely mutual. And I'm excited about this conversation, Meg, because we've talked about this many times before, that it is hard to envision someone as a great business leader, man or woman, if their home life is a disaster. Now, there are exceptions to that. But the fact of the matter is, we're going to spend a lot of time talking about home base today, the home. So let's dive in first with the reality I think everybody faces. A lot of parents listening in here. and there's this issue of the kids have got a lot of programs. They've got a lot going on in their business and their personal lives.

And making sure that there is quality time. This is a big thing. So let's start right there. How important is this? Is this just something we say to make ourselves feel better or do there's something behind this? No, not at all. It's very important to have quality time with your kids, but quantity is also important. You know, there's that big debate that's been around from.

many years, is it the quality of time or is it the quantity of time? And actually, it's both. And I think you're absolutely right. I know a lot of business leaders. I work with the NFL, and of course the NFL is very invested in the success of their players. And one of the reasons they pulled me in and I've worked with other people in businesses is because if life isn't good at home, if your relationships with the ones you love the most, your children and your spouse, are not in decent shape. It's the rare person who can perform well in business. Unless you can completely compartmentalize and say, my home is this half of me and my work is this half of me, then I can succeed at one and not the other. But most people can't do that. So quality of time

and quantity of time with children is extremely important. And the truth of matter is getting that balance right is an art and it's a discipline. And it takes a lot of work, but there are ways that you can really do it well. All right. So let's talk about some of those things. But before we dive into some of the practical things, let's talk about the communication side of things. Yes. In your opinion, how important is it to really communicate with our kids and say, hey, during this season of life where dad or mom's got to be on the road for six or seven nights or whatever it is, this is why I'm doing this. And this allows me to provide. It creates these opportunities that you get to take advantage of. How important is it to clearly communicate the value of work and that when there are seasons that we have to be a part or maybe it's out of balance, if you will, just for a short.

amount of time to explain that to the kids so they realize and have a proper perspective of that. It's extremely important. Of course, it depends on the age of the child. You can't tell her a two-year, three-year-old, you know, why mom or dad is gone all the time. But as the kids get older, kids need to understand why you work and why you're away and why you're home. And if kids have a fundamental understanding of your motives and their place in your life and your work's place in their life, they'll really flex with just about everything. When our kids were younger and I was traveling some, and my own kids were in junior high and high school and they know exactly what I did, frequently I would take one of them with me. And as I brought them, I said, I need you to understand

why what I do is very, very important and why I sacrifice time with you kids. And then I've would say to the kids, if ever you feel I'm gone too much or you need me more, you need to speak up and tell me. Now, I wasn't the primary breadwinner in our home. My husband is, but that was very important. And they would tell me, they'd say, you know, Mom, we're really okay. If you're gone for a couple days, it's okay. My husband, on the other hand, is the primary breadwinner and works a lot. He's the sort of old school physician. And people would criticize him and say, you're gone from your kids too much. But he and I would sit down and say, you know what, this is really important to dad that you kids understand why he works, he works to provide for our family, why he works very hard

and he takes his work seriously, because he wanted them to grow up knowing how to work hard. And so knowing his motive really helped the kids not feel sorry for themselves that their dad was gone because he was trying to teach them the value of hard work that it is a sacrifice, but in his mind he was doing it for the family. And as long as they feel part of the system, part of mom and dad's work, that's when kids are okay with it. But if you just disappear and take off because A, you like what you're doing and you really don't care about home life, or because you have too many hobbies and your kids aren't a priority, kids can't. can't deal with that very well.

You just said a word that I want to hone in on here as we talked about some practical steps that parents who are listening in here can take to create some sort of a rhythm. I don't know if that's a good word, but I like the word you use system. There's a system that means that implies these things are working together. You've got individuals involved in the family. There's work, there's play, there's all kinds of other things that have to be done. What are some practical things that you just list out or give us some specific things we can walk away with when it comes to trying to create?

that rhythm. Sure. First thing, as you said, is communication is very important. The second most important thing is at some point to sit down with all the kids and mom and dad and talk about the fact that your family is the most important thing to each one of you, that your family dynamics are the priority. But everybody in the family has a role. Everybody has work to do. The work for the kids is school and their chores around the house. The work for the mom is, whatever the work mom does. The work for dad is this so that everybody feels invested and connected to that system. That's very, very important. The next thing that's important to do is talk to the kids about what the expectations are going to be for the next coming weeks. Tell them what the

schedule is going to be. Mom and dad aren't going to be home for dinner. Mom and dad are going to be home for dinner. Let them know what's around the next corner because kids don't like surprises. They need to know that there's an order. They need to know that things are going to be covered if mom and dad aren't there. So and so will be there. So that they know that you, mom and dad, always have their back and you're in charge. You're leading the way and they can trust you. So that's really important.

I think another thing that's very important is that whenever possible, each parent should spend one-on-one time with each child. You know, some relaxed time, a bike ride, a walk. And you need to plan for that. You need to sit down with your spouse and say, okay, when are you going to take Mary and Elizabeth, and when am I going to take John and Joe? And so you work in that one-on-one time, and the reason you do that is, A, let the child know that he or she is still a priority for you, even though you've been gone a lot, and then also to take that time to listen to the child to see how life is going for them. Very relaxed, how are things, you don't have to talk a lot, but that's where you really sort of read your child.

And I think those are the foremost important things to put into place when you've got a really busy, what I kind of call high performance life for everybody. Everybody's going in a million different directions. That's so huge, the one-on-one time. So I've got three, you know the Coleman kiddos. Yes. So Stacey and I've got to make sure that we're spending a little bit of one-on-one time with each of the three each week. Yeah, and you know, it can even be 15 minutes.

It can even be you going in at bedtime and you stagger each child's bedtime by 15 minutes. You sit on the end of the bed, you rub their feet and say, hey, how was your day? Tell me about what's going on. and ask and open any question and just let your kids talk and don't interrupt. Ideally, if you can take that child and say, hey, I'm going to meet you for lunch at your school. Can I pick you up and I'm going to take you to someplace for half hour? So, you know, you have to be intentional. But those are the things that in a child's mind are huge because you give a little bit to a child in their mind. It expands. And as they look back, they realize that was really a priority for my mom or dad. So a little bit goes, a long way in a child's mind. Oh, I love that. Okay, so a quick follow-up here. Give us a couple of examples

of your favorite open-ended questions because I think a lot of people sitting there going, okay, I get that, but you know, give me something. What would be a great open-ended question? It depends on the age of your kids, but if you have a middle schooler or a junior high or high school, ask about their friends. Because if you want to know what your kids are doing, ask what their friends are doing. So you say something like this. How's Johnny doing? I haven't seen him a around. I just kind of wonder, is he dating? Is he enjoying football? And then let the kids talk about their friend, because once they start to talk about the friend, it always ends up they start talking about themselves. Or find something specific in their life that they're doing. How is your

teacher? Do you like your teacher? Is she mean or is she not? You can't just say, how was school today, particularly the first five minutes after child walks out of school because you're never going to hear. A, they're not ready to talk, and B, they just say good. So B, as specific as you can, but always start by asking about a specific friend and something that is going on in that child's life. Conversation will always end up with your child talking about himself. I want to talk for a few minutes to the leader who is performing well. Things are going well at work or it's intense just like it is for everybody. But going home is not safe right now.

It's draining because maybe there's some problems. them's going on with kids. Yeah. And that'll suck the life right out of you. And you give in really quick just because you don't have the energy when you get home. Let's talk about combat zone with kids. How can they get back in control? Well, usually those things happen, you know, when kids are in junior, higher high school,

when kids are starting to pull away and be very independent and they're trying to show you how smart they are and how dumb you are, that you really don't have any answers to any questions. I think the most important thing would be when you're with those children and you're really emotionally bound up in that child and every conversation that you have with them is tense. One, it's very important that parents learn to approach a difficult child as impersonally as possible. Remember, the child's temper tantrums, snarky tone of voice, sneers and behavior are not about

you. They're about the child. So you have to pull back and say, I'm going home into a volatile situation, but I'm not creating it. This child's having a hard time. So if you can take the pressure off yourself and say, I'm not responsible. This is something that's going on in his life. You can be more empathetic. You can be that much more removed so that you're not getting drawn into this huge emotional battle, which parents do all the time because they feel what am I doing to parent poorly to make this kid this way. It's nothing to do with that. Then the other thing is, and this is a crazy mental exercise, but if you have a really difficult child and you're having a hard time controlling your temper, pretend that child is your next door neighbor's kid. This sounds really

crazy. But again, it's about removing yourself and saying, this is a child who's having difficulty. So I'm going to sit here and listen. I'm going to hear him out and I'm going to try to work with him. But that's the best place to start because I find where most parents get taken down and exhausted and drained is when they feel on some level responsible for the child's behavior, they throw up their hands, they walk out and they can't communicate with them. Okay, so marriage and parenting are just, they're so intertwined. Yes. So I want to, I want now focus on the marriage side of this. Let's talk about the role of the husband and the wife together in the home to try to create that stable, healthy environment so that you can handle the inevitable, like the stuff we've been talking about with kids.

Right, right. Changing small things make the biggest differences in a marriage and particularly as far as a marriage affects a family. For instance, one thing that's very, very important is for the spouses to be on the same page with regard to how they will speak to one another, at least in front of their children. It sounds like a small thing, but it's very important. If a mom and a dad are constantly sniping at each other or undercutting each other or calling each other stupid or idiot or demeaning, the message to the kids is, man, my mom or my dad really is stupid. They don't know what they're talking about. So the most important thing is spouses, even if they're at odds with each other, even if they're on the verge of getting divorced, it's extremely important that they speak

respectfully to one another because if a child hears that a parent is being disrespected by another parent, guess what? That child is not going to pay any attention, probably to anything either parent says because they feel you're sort of out of control. So that's one of the the key things you can do. Act respectfully to each other, speak respectfully to each other. If another person walks in the room, acknowledge that they walked in the room, hello, how are you? I haven't seen you in five hours.

But those things set the tone in the home for how the parents are to treat the children, treat each other, and how the children are then going to respond to the parents. Because parents really teach the kids whether or not they should be respectful. and listened to. And that starts with how the parents speak to each other. Yeah, I want to follow up on this. My father-in-law gave me some great advice on this once. This idea of how we communicate to our kids when we mess up, failing forward. So when maybe we speak in a tone or get a little snipey with each other in front of the kids and they just see it, is it wrong to over-communicate or look at your kids and go, hey, you saw dad do this and I failed mom, I failed you? I mean, is that healthy to do that?

Yes. It's very healthy to do it, and ideally, because everybody does. Everybody yells or screams or says something they shouldn't to their spouse or to their children in front of the kids. And it's very important for kids to understand how to problem solve and to resolve issues, particularly when they come to communication and respecting other people. So to whatever degree you can, if the kids are around, you walk back into the room where your spouse is and you just say, you know what? it was really wrong and rude of me to say, blank, I'm so sorry will you forgive me. And if the kids are with an earshot or in the room, that's terrific. I think it's also true if you do that with your child. If you call your child a name, or you yell at them, or you scream at them, or you spank them when you

shouldn't have. You go to that child and you say, I'm so sorry, will you forgive me? I think it's important, though, that once you ask that child for forgiveness and you're truly humble in front of them, then you say, you know, you move forward. Sometimes what happens is kids can come along and use that to manipulate you in the future. Oh, see, see, see, dad. Well, when you said that to mom, no, we talked about that. Remember, mom and I resolved it, and now we move forward. So you don't allow it to be an opportunity where the child now has control or power of you to manipulate you.

Gee, my dad's always messing up and he always says he's messing up. And I've seen that happen. So you're humble, you're contrite, you ask for forgiveness, and then you take charge again and you move forward. I want to ask you a question about raising kids and having this default modes, right? This is how my mom and dad did it. And this is how my mom and dad did it. And communicating on that when in the moment one parent makes a decision, and it's not the decision the other one makes. But how to talk about that in a healthy way. I'll pick on me here. I remember saying to my boys at one point, you know, take it like a man or something like that. And that kind of shocks Stacey. Yeah, yeah. I say, you just went, ooh.

So pick on me here. What's happening, I'm guessing, is when I make those little statements, because I make stuff, I say that kind of stuff all the time. You know what I mean? You're young men and man up, and it kind of rubs her the wrong way. And I'm like, well, I'm just trying to make them, you know, tough young men. Well, what am I doing there? What's wrong? The risk is shutting your kids down emotionally and telling your boys that we live by a man code.

And that man code is we don't feel, we don't express our feelings, and we don't deal with conflict. We just sort of suck it up and go forward. Well, you don't want to teach your kids to wear their emotions and feelings on their sleeves. You want to give them a safe place. So it might be better to say, you know what, this is tough, but you can do it. I know. I know. You feel like quitting the team?

get right back out there. So rather than use a term, you say, you know what, I'm training you to be a man. And here's how a man will respond. A man wouldn't give up. A man would be very upset. He would be very angry. But when you're angry, this is what you do. You know, you don't quit.

You don't hit your sister. You don't whatever. Because you can say a man up and it'll mean one thing to you, but it might meet something very different to a six or an eight or an 18-year-old boy. So you need to just be more clear. You can feel, but you don't need to experience. express that right here and right now. You just need to move forward. The way your parents parented is deeper than a default mode. Here's the stark reality. You will parent like your parents

did unless you make a dramatic effort to change that because we do what we know. We don't do what we want to do. We do what we know. And those patterns were so ingrained in you as a child. And when you see things as a child, your heart and your mind, they're like, old sponges, it soaks in and it sinks in deep. It doesn't sink in as deeply when we're adults. So you will parent like your mother or your father until you change course. Now, A, a lot of parents don't know that. B, most of us don't recognize when we're being like our parent. My mother, for instance, used to sneak money to different kids without telling my dad at times. okay. I recognize that my mother did that when I was a kid when I said, oh, that's not very good.

Guess what I found myself doing a couple years ago. Yeah, yeah. And I go, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. But I've done this for a long time. So the first and most important thing is sit down with your spouse and this is hard, Ken, and say, you know what? I would like to do better than my mother and better than my father. But I'm having a hard time recognizing, you know, my parents' parenting patterns in me. So can you help me? Now, that's a really hard thing to do because you're saying to your wife, Stacey, Stacy, when I talk like my dad did or I talk like my mom did, will you in a loving way sort of just remind me, is that what you want to do, can, or is that your old stuff coming through? You know, is it like take it like a man? Is that you can or is that your dad?

Now, that's a very mature couple that can do that. So the first place, it starts in recognizing what are you doing that your parents did and even write it down on paper. You can't change what you don't know and what you don't see. So you got to see it. You got to write it down. You've got to determine that you're not going to do that anymore and work on one bad behavior at a time. If yours is, hey, man up, kid, take it on the chin. And you go, where did that come from? That's not Ken Coleman. That's, you know, my dad. You say, okay, I'm going to work on changing the way I talk or whatever it is or saying that. But, to pull out a couple big parenting patterns of our parents and really working on one at a time. But that takes a long time. And give yourself some grace. It takes a long time to change. Okay, so we talk about this a lot with people who care about personal development, which our audience does. And that's this idea. Is it ever too late? And so we kind of touched on this. But you may have brought up so many different issues for people who are listening going, man, that's me, that's me. And I don't want parents to be discouraged.

Right. Is it too late to come alongside to those kids? Maybe if they're already in their teens and maybe you made some of those things, or maybe you've for a year driven home a message you didn't intend to drive home. Obviously, you need to change your behavior. But what's the communication to the child once you realize, uh-oh, I've been doing things like my parents have and I don't like that or whatever, anything we discussed? First rule is you will mess your kids up because that's what we do. But here's the cool thing.

you will always be your child's parents so it's never ever too late to reconcile with a child i don't care if you're in jail and you haven't seen your kids for 10 years it's not too that late for that relationship here's what you do as a parent regardless how age your child is you take the lead because you're always the parent they're always the kid regardless of age they expect you to take the lead so you don't wait for your 22 year old a strange daughter to call you up and say, dad, now I'm ready to have a relationship. You constantly lead. You constantly lead. And you say things like this. You know what, honey? I made a lot of mistakes and I'm terribly sorry for them. And I really would like to talk to you about those and ask for your forgiveness. Now, if the child is deeply wounded, they're not going to respond for weeks, maybe months,

and maybe a year or two, because they're going to see if you really mean it. Once you really mean it, you get through to them, then you begin asking for forgiveness, how did I hurt you? How did I wound you? You know, when I said that to you, how did that make you feel? And if you need help, get a good counselor. If you've got some big, big, big rifts like you haven't seen your child in years. But it's never too late because kids always are their parents' child and they will respond to a parent as a son or a daughter. And they want wholeness and health in that relationship no matter how old they are. So good. I want to give you a final thought. I would love for you to just talk to business leaders who, before they ever walk into the office, their husbands, their wives, their fathers, their mothers. And at some point, they get into the grandmother, grandfather stage as well. From Megeker to them, what would you say? I think it's very important for business people to think when you're running a good business,

you want to get the big things right. With your family, the same thing is true. You want to get the big principles right. You want to get the big stuff from the time the child's two until the time the child's 25. Get a handful of big things right and you win. You can't get all the small things right, but get the big things right. If I could look back over this period of raising my children. Here are the big principles. I really want to get right. And if you do that, you're going to win. Always assume as you parent. You can parent really well. You don't walk into the CEO of your company go, man, I hope I can do this today. Gee whiz, you know you can do it because you're wired to do it. Same thing is true with parenting. You can be a great dad because you've got all the wiring.

Same thing as a mom. You've got all the wiring you need. It's in place. So you just need to tap into that. Focus on the big step, and you're going to win at parenting. You really will. So assume you will and be positive about it makes a huge difference in your parenting. Well, Meg, you make a huge difference in the lives of parents. You've made a huge difference in Stacy and I's parenting life.

We appreciate you so very much. Thank you so much, Ken. Hey, I want to give Dr. Meginker a plug on a new podcast. I love promoting free stuff for you folks. It's called Parenting Great. kids with Dr. Meg Meeker. It is out and running. Really great podcast.

I highly recommend it. Give it a listen. The link to the podcast is in the show notes. Or you can go to Megmeekermd.md.com. Megmeekermd.com slash podcast. It's also on iTunes if you just want to search parenting great kids with Dr. Megmeeker on iTunes. I highly recommend it.

Meg speaks at all of our smart conferences, which is a day-long event where we really cover the big areas of life, parenting, certainly one of them. We highly recommend Meg, and we appreciate her being with us. Hey, folks, this is our final week for Infusion Soft's giveaway, sales team hiring guide. This is a free guide. Shows you how to make one of the most important decisions in your business. That's bringing someone on your team. How do you choose a sales rep who will keep you going where you want to go? So several things in this great resource, seven things to look for and quality resume, five questions to ask in an interview, five questions to ask references. Go to infusionsoft.com slash sales guide. Infusionsoft.com slash sales guide, where you can click on

the Infusionsoft link in the show notes. We are really excited to announce the lineup for the Entree Leadership Summit in 2017. It's honestly mind-boggling that we're even announcing that. I mean, at this event, last year we put the first one out, and it was such a wild success. The one in 2016 doubled in attendance. And the lineup and the content, unbelievable. What a great group of people, the energy in the room. There's something to be said when bright leaders who want to get better congregate. Something special happens. It's not just sitting in a room and listening and learning. There's such a glow from people who the light bulbs are going off. So we're very excited. We had over 1,500 business owners in Dallas.

And truly, it was a palpable buzz throughout the week and certainly when we wrapped up. And we're announcing the 2017 event on this podcast. It's going to be May 21 through 25, 2017, May 21 through 25, 2017. And we're going to go to Orlando, Florida. It'll already be hot in May, Eric. So my hair will be super wavy and crazy, but Orlando's a great place to be. It's going to be at the JW Marriott Hotel, which is a stunning, stunning hotel, first-class accommodations. And Dave will be bringing in Simon Seneca, Lou Holtz, the legendary Hall of Fame coach, John Maxwell, Christy Wright, Chris Hogan,

and one more speaker that we will announce a little bit later this summer. It's May 21 through 25 in 2017 in sunny Orlando, Florida. You can sign up, learn everything you need to learn at entreleadership.com slash summit. That's Entreeleadership.com slash summit. Hey folks, as we wrap up, would you please subscribe? If you're not already subscribed, you can do that on iTunes or at Entreeleadership.com. Click on the podcast. Give us a review on iTunes.

That helps and certainly share it on social media. We would appreciate it. As we continue to grow, you're already doing this for us. So if you haven't, we sure would appreciate it. Next week, we start in the month of June, and the theme is delegation. So, hello. We're going to take on a very important topic, and that's going to really encourage you. We want to thank Dr. Meg Meeker and Dr. Tim Elmore, and on behalf of our producer Eric Anthony,

and the entire Ontario leadership team, we want to thank you, our beloved listener. We appreciate you so much, and we will talk with you again very soon.