Epic Real Estate Investing - FBI Expert Reveals 7 Ways to Get More People to Like You | Episode 132

Episode Date: November 10, 2014

Today Matt shares an excellent article from Business Insider.  The article is about improving your likeability, which is arguably the most important people skill that you can have in your real estate investing (or any) business!  The article explains the number 1 secret to clicking with people, how to put strangers at ease, the thing you do that turns people off the most, how to use body language like a pro, some great verbal jiu-jitsu to use on people who try to manipulate you, and much more!  Enjoy! ------- The free course is new and improved!  To access to the two fastest and easiest strategies to a paycheck in real estate, go to FreeRealEstateInvestingCourse.com or text “FreeCourse” to 55678. What interests you most? E ducation P roperties I ncome C oaching Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Broadcasting from Terrio Studios in Glendale, California. It's time for Epic Real Estate Investing with Matt Terrio. Yeah. Hello. Hello, and welcome. Welcome to the Epic Real Estate Investing podcast, the show where I show people how to escape the rat race using real estate. And we are back.

We're back this week to our regular podcast schedule. After all, you know, last week was dedicated. to getting back to the basics. And if you're just finding us here for the first time, uh, welcome, glad you're here. And,

you know, you just missed an awesome week. So you might want to go back several episodes back to number 127, which was last Monday. And then catch up to us here. Okay. And, you know,

getting back to the basics, it's vital to the longevity of your business. And I recommend checking in on your business at least once a year. And confirm that you're not over-complicating it. You know, this is a really, simple business. You've heard me say that many times over the last five or six days. And you, because all you got to do, this is what you got to do, it's four steps.

You got to just have to go out. You've got to find the deal. You got to secure the deal. You got to analyze the deal. And you got to close the deal. Simple. Get those four steps down before introducing anything else into your business. I mean, if you ever introduce anything else, I mean, I just don't see too much need to do anything beyond that. You know, other than maybe adding team members and delegates. those steps to others, you know, go ahead and add team members. Just don't add steps. Got it? And the most important step of the four, the one of which if you excel at it, I mean, you can be mediocre at the rest and you can still do very well in real estate investing. And the step to which

I'm referring is finding deals, the very first step. Finding deals, that's the backbone of your business. And if you excel at that part, then you're going to do just fine. Okay? So with that said, I want you to, I want to make sure that you do excel at that part. So if you didn't catch it on Friday, if you missed Friday's episode, and if you didn't get an email from me over the weekend with my invitation, I just put together a brand new training, a free training on the three simple principles for finding deeply discounted properties, for finding deals, the most important part, the part I want you to excel at, the part you should excel at first before any of the three simple principles. for finding deeply discounted properties, for finding deals, the most important part, the part I want you to excel at, the part you should excel at first before any of the other parts. So I created that just for you because I love you guys and girls. And if you'd like to watch that training, you can go there by, or you can watch that training

by going to epic earlybird.com. Epic earlybird.com. You know, likely by the time you're listening to this, it will have always. already been released, and there won't be any need for early birds, but that domain will still get you there. Okay, so epic earlybird.com. Go to epic earlybird.com and let's make you a master at finding deeply discounted properties. And also at that training, I'll even give you a copy of my finding motivated sellers checklist that you can go ahead and just rip that off and use it in your market. Okay? Epic earlybird.com. And let's see what you.

What else? Oh, also, Grub and Grow Rich is headed to San Diego. We're getting really close. It's headed there on September, excuse me, September, December 3rd. And I want to see you there. Okay, so go to Grub and GrowRich.com and reserve your seat. Let's eat, let's drink, let's talk shop, let's be merry. Let's just have a blast, okay? Because that's what that event is all about. And also to get all your questions answered and just kind of, you know, rub and elbows with y'all. All right. So grub and grow rich.com, all the details are there. All right, so I got something a little bit different for you today. I actually saw a tweet to an article over the weekend. The headline it grabbed my attention and, you know, I took a gander. I went ahead and clicked on it. And it was just so on the money and so applicable to real estate investing or any business, for that matter, that I'm just going to go ahead and read loosely from this article for today's episode. In my opinion, if you implement what's within this article, you are going to make more money in your. business without a doubt.

So I've said it before, and I'll say it again, real estate is a people business, right? It's a people business. Every piece of real estate that you buy or sell will be from or to another person. That's why we call it a people business. And it's fairly common knowledge that people do business with people that they know, people that they like, people that they trust, right? We've said that before. So if you didn't know that, well, now you do.

Okay, people do business with people that they know, they like, and they trust. And of those three criteria of which to do business or not to do business with a person, my experience kind of has led me to believe, and I'm sure there's people out there that'll disagree with me, but it's led me to believe that although all three of those are important, I think the likeability factor of a person tends to slightly trump the others. A lot of people are going to say, no, trust is the most important part. But I think in a real world application, I think the likeability factor is actually a little bit more. You know, at the very least, the likeability factor gets you in the door, okay?

A lack of trust will get you thrown out. So you need both. But the likeability factor will get you in the door. And should you mess up in an honest way where you don't violate trust, I think likeability will also get you a second and possibly even a third chance to make good on whatever you messed up on. So that's why I think likeability trumps the other two, although all of them are important. And I've done episodes on this subject before.

and I touch on it a few times inside the Epic Pro Academy because it's important. Your people skills are vital to the longevity of your business. They're vital to the overall, just your overall business. So like I said, I stumbled upon this article. The article is titled, An FBI Behavior Expert reveals seven ways to get people to like you. And so I thought, this is very fitting for what we do. It's very fitting for your business.

Seven points you should not ignore. And I went through it, And I was like, yeah, these are all right on the money. So this article, it appears on business insider.com and was written by Eric Barker. Should you want to go look it up for yourself? And there's lots of great links in there to other articles that I found very intriguing. But I can't read all of it. So in the interest of convenience, I'll go ahead and I'll just basically read this one to you.

And if you want to go check that out, it's at business insider.com. And of course, I want to give credit where credit is. do, Mr. Eric Barker wrote a really great article. So let's go for it. And perhaps I will inject my own commentary here or there, but definitely want to give credit where credit is due. All right. So, oh, by the way, this isn't directly, I kind of already said that, or alluded to this. It's not directly a real estate investing article, not directly, but indirectly, it's 100% a real estate investing article. So listen to it as such to get the most out of it. I want you to get the most out of it. All right. So meeting new people. Okay.

new people, we do a lot of that in this business. We're meeting motivated sellers all the time and other investors and associates and stuff. And so when you're when you're meeting new people, that can be awkward. So what should you say? How can you make a good impression? How do you keep a conversation going? You know, research shows that relationships are vital to happiness. And networking is the key to getting jobs and building a fulfilling career, not to mention getting motivated sellers to sell you their property. But what's the best way to build rapport and create trust? Well, plain and simple.

You notice how can, how do you get people to like you and who should you go to for that advice? Who can explain how to get people to like you? Well, Robin Dreek can. Robin is or was head of the FBI's behavioral analysis program and has studied interpersonal relations for over 27 years. So it seems like a very good authority to me. So he is the author of the excellent book.

It's not all about me. The top 10 techniques for building quick rapport with anyone. Okay. So if you want to pick that book up, it's not all about me as the title. Author is Robin Dreak, D-R-E-E-K-E. So Eric Barker gave Robin a call, Eric Barker being the author of the article, he gave Robin a call to get some answers.

And note that Robin is not speaking for the FBI here. These are just his expert insights. So here's what you're going to learn in this episode. The number one secret to clicking with people. Awesome. Number one secret to clicking with people. How to put strangers at ease. The thing you do that turns people off the most.

How to use body language like a pro. And some great verbal jiu-jitsu to use on people who try to manipulate you. And a lot more. Okay. So let's learn something. Let's dive into it. one the most important thing to do with anyone you meet robin's number one piece of advice is to seek someone else's thoughts and opinions without judging them seek someone else's thoughts and opinions

without judging them ask questions listen but don't judge nobody including you likes to feel judged uh likes to feel judged uh robin says the number one strategy i constantly keep in the forefront of my with everyone I talk to is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else's thoughts and opinions without judging them. People do not want to be judged in any thought or opinion that they have or in any action that they take. It doesn't mean you agree with someone. Validation is taking the time to understand what their needs, wants, dreams, and aspirations

are. So, what should you do when people start spouting crazy talk? Well, Robin says, what I prefer to do is, as soon as I hear something that I don't necessarily agree with or understand, instead of judging it, my first reaction is, oh, that's really fascinating. I never heard it in quite that way. Help me understand. How did you come up with that?

You see, you're not judging. You're showing interest. And that lets people calmly continue talking about their favorite subject, which is themselves. We've talked about that here before. There's nobody more important in the whole world than me, right? The most important subject to everyone is themselves. So studies show people get more. pleasure from talking about themselves than they actually do from food or money.

I don't know, food gets me, uh, gives me quite the pleasure. I love talking about food. I love eating it. But anyway, talking about ourselves, whether in a personal conversation or through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter, triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money. All righty. So, okay, so that's number one.

Don't judge. You've stopped being judgy, judgerson, and you're happily validating. Oh, if it were on. only that easy. So what's the problem here? Well, the problem next would be your ego. You know, if you want to be well, like, check your ego at the door. And that brings us number two to number two. Suspend your ego to make people love you. Most of us are just dying to point out how other people are wrong. And that kills rapport. Want to correct someone? Want to one up them with a clever little story? Don't do it. Robin says, ego suspension is putting your own.

own needs wants and opinions aside. Consciously ignore, consciously, ignore your desire to be correct and to correct someone else. It's not allowing yourself to get emotionally hijacked by a situation where you might not agree with someone's thoughts, opinions, or actions. Contradicting people doesn't build relationships. And Dale Carnegie said that many years ago. And actually modern neuroscience agrees. Contradicting people does not build relationships. fairly obvious though, right? You see, when people hear things that contradict their beliefs, the logical part of their mind shuts down

and their brain prepares to actually fight. So what happened in people's brains when they saw information that contradicted their worldview in a charged political environment, as soon as they recognize the video clips as being in conflict with their worldview, the parts of the brain that handle reason and logic went absolutely dormant.

And the parts of the brain, brain that handle hostile attacks, the fight or flight response, they absolutely lit up. Okay? So you don't want to contradict people. All right. So you've stopped being judgy, jettison, you've stopped trying to be clever. But what's next? Well, you need to be a good listener.

That's number three. So how do you be a good listener? Well, we've all heard that listening skills are vital, but nobody explains really the right way to do it. So what's the secret? and being a good listener. Well, stop thinking about what you're going to say next and focus on what they are saying right now.

Easier said than done, right? Easier said than done. We've all been in a position where we've been talking to somebody and we can't wait until they're done talking so we can say what we've got to say. So stop doing that. Be curious and ask to hear more about what interests you.

Okay. Robin says, listening isn't shutting up. That's not listening. Listening is having nothing to say. There's a difference there. If you just shut up, it means you're still thinking about what you wanted to say. You're just not saying it.

The second that I think about my response, I'm half listening to what you're saying because I'm really waiting for the opportunity to tell you my story. What you do is this. As soon as you have that story or thought that you want to share, just toss it, toss it out the window.

Consciously tell yourself, I'm not going to say it. and then go back to listening. All you should be doing is asking yourself, what idea or thought that they mentioned do I find fascinating and want to explore? Okay? Research shows just asking people to tell you more

makes you more likable and gets them to want to help you. So the basics of active listening, they're pretty straightforward. One, listen to what they say. Don't interrupt, don't disagree, or evaluate. Number two, nod your hand. head and make brief acknowledging comments like yes and like uh-huh in agreement number three

without being awkward repeat back the the gist of what they just said from from their frame of reference and number four inquire ask questions that that show you've been paying attention and that move the discussion forward okay um let's see uh but uh okay so so what do you do when some people you know they're just flat out boring Okay, and you're just not that interested in what they're saying. So what questions do you ask then? Well, ask people about something challenging that they've done. People love to talk about it.

The best question to ask people is about their challenges. You know, life can be tough for everyone, rich or poor, older, young, everyone. We all face challenges and we like to talk about them. So that's what to ask about. And Robin says, a great question I love is, challenges. For example, what kind of challenges did you have at work this week? What kind of challenges do you have living in this part of the country? What kinds of challenges do you have raising teenagers? Because everyone's got challenges. It gets people to share what their priorities in life are

at that point in time. Questions that they're incredibly powerful. We've talked about that before. So what's one of the most potent ways to influence someone? It would be a question and just asking for advice. Merely asking for advice is a very potent way to influence someone. Robin says studies demonstrate that across the manufacturing financial services, insurance, and pharmaceutical industries, seeking advice is among the most effective ways to influence peers, superiors, and subordinates. Advice seeking tends to be significantly more persuasive than the takers' preferred tactics of pressuring subordinates and ingratiating superiors. advice seeking is also consistently more influential than the matcher's default approach of trading favors.

All right? So that's a little bit counterintuitive, isn't it? Actually, seeking advice will influence others. Very interesting. So twisting your mustache thinking you can use this for nefarious purposes? Wrong. It only works when you're sincere. So this does not work for evil.

Okay? You got to be sincere. sincere. But what if you have to approach someone cold? How do you get people who might not want to talk to you to willingly give you their attention? All right. So how do you approach strangers, right? How do you make strangers feel at ease? That's number five. First thing, I love this right here. Tell them you only have a minute because you're headed out the door or you only got a minute because you got to run. Robin says when people think you're leaving soon, they relax. If you sit down next to someone at a bar and say, hey, can I buy you a drink? You know, all the barriers go

up. It's who are you? What do you want? And when are you leaving? And that when are you leaving is what you've got to answer in the first couple of seconds. Research shows just asking people if now is a good time makes them more likely to comply with the requests. So the results showed that compliance rates were higher when the requests inquired, or excuse me, the results showed that compliance rates were higher when the requester inquired about respondents availability and waited for a response than when he pursued his set speech without waiting and inquiring about respondents availability. Okay. So basically, no one wants to feel trapped talking to some weirdo.

People are more likely to help you than you think, but they need to feel safe and in control. And you do that by letting them or asking permission if this is a good time or just letting know that you are not going to be here very long. You're on your way out. All right. So even if you get all of the above right, you can still come off like a shady used car salesman. That was one of the first, this is not the first time I've heard this information, just the

first time I've read it or heard it in this context. But when you start taking some of these tips and tricks and using them, you can come off a little bit in sincere here. a shady used car salesman. And that fear stops you actually from meeting new awesome people. So Robin says one of the key reasons people come off as untrustworthy is because their words and their body language are misaligned. So let's fix that, all right?

Number one, don't forget to smile. All right. And actually, this is number six and our seven things to do to get people to like you. The best body language for building rapport is smiling. Your words should be positive, free of ego and judgment, and your body language, your nonverbals need to match. So here are the things Robin recommends. The number one thing is you've got a smile. You absolutely have to smile.

A smile is a great way to engender trust. Number two, keep that chin angled down so it doesn't appear like you're looking down your nose at anyone. And if you can show a little bit of head tilt, that's always helpful. And let's see, number three, you don't want to give a full. frontal, full body display. That can be very offensive to someone. Give a little bit of an angle to your body when you're talking to somebody. Number four, keep your palms up as you're talking as opposed to palms down.

That says, I'm hearing what you're saying. I'm open to what your ideas are. And number five, so I always want to make sure that I'm showing good, open, comfortable, non-verbals. I just try to use high eyebrow elevations. Basically, anything going up and elevating is very open and comforting. Anything that is compressing, lip compression, eyebrow compression, when you're squishing down, that's conveying stress. And you don't want to do that.

And all the research, it backs Robin right up. You know, from Dale Carnegie to peer-reviewed studies, everyone says smiles matter. In fact, to increase a smile's power, smile slower. That's good a tip. It makes us happier too. Neuroscience research shows smiling gives the brain as much pleasure as 2,000 bars of chocolate or $25,000. I don't know how they measure that,

but that's what neuroscience research shows. So now you come off as the pleasant person you are, not as some taker, but what do you do when the other person is this taker? So that's number seven, how to deal with someone you don't trust? Well, the name of this article is not helpful tools for sociopaths. I'm not trying to teach you to manipulate others,

but what should you do when you feel someone is using these methods to try and manipulate you? So don't be hostile, but be direct. Ask them what they want. What are their goals in this interaction? And Robin has a great comeback for this. And this is what he says when he's in this situation. The first thing I try to do is clarify goals.

I'll stop and say, you're throwing a lot of good words at me. Obviously, you're very skilled at what you're doing. But what I'm really curious about? What's your goal? What are you trying to achieve? I'm here with my goals, but obviously you have to achieve your goal. So if you can just tell me what your objectives are, we can start from there and see if we can mutually take care of them. If not, that's fine too.

He watches for validation. If someone is trying to validate me and my thoughts and opinions, I'm alert to it. I love doing that as well. So now I'm looking for intent. Are you there for me or are you there for you? If you're there strictly for your own gain and you're not talking in terms of my priorities ever, that's when I'm seeing someone as there to manipulate. me. So if you want to build a connection with someone, focus on trust, not tricks. That's how you

earn respect. Trust is fragile and mistrust is self-fulfilling. So when you ask people what the most important character trait is, what do they say? Well, they say trustworthiness. I think it's actually likeability. They just don't know it. But trustworthiness, I'm not saying that's unimportant. Okay, so don't send me an email saying, how can you say trustworthiness is not important? I didn't say that. I just feel like the likeability part when it comes to business can get you in more doors than the trustworthiness. The trustworthiness will get you kicked out, but the likeability gets you in the door. So that's why I kind of favor towards that one if you get that down first. But don't be some dishonest jerk either. Okay, so participants in three studies considered various characteristics

for ideal members of interdependent groups, for example, work teams and athletic teams and relationships, for example, family members and employees. And across different measures of trait importance and different groups and relationships, trustworthiness was considered extremely important for all interdependent others. So anyway, there's a lot to digest there. There's a lot more to digest than just be yourself, but it's far more effective. So let's round it up and make it something that you can start using today. Okay, so let's recap. Number one, the single most important thing is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else's thoughts and opinions without judging them. Two, suspend your ego.

Focus on them. Number three, really listen. Don't just wait to talk. Listen. Ask them questions and don't try to come up with stories to impress. Number four, ask people about what's been challenging them. I like that one. I think that, I can go far with that one.

Number five, establishing a time constraint early in the conversation can put strangers at ease. Number six, smile, chin down, blade your body, palms up, open. and upward nonverbals. And number seven, if you think someone is trying to manipulate you, clarify the goals. Don't be hostile or aggressive, but ask them to be straight about what they want. All righty? Love it. Every single one of those tips will make you more money in your real estate investing business.

And that's why I shared them with you today. All right. So you know what time it is now? It's time to give away this episode's $100 Amazon.com gift card. So I'm heading over to iTunes to spin my scroll bar. I'm a little bit more prepared today. and today, spin, spin, spin, I've landed on this one. Headline says, thanks for all you do.

This is written by Big Win on way back August 26th, 2013. And Big Win writes, Your podcast has changed my life. I now have hope that I will be able to reach my financial goals. I will be able to give my family the life they deserve. Thanks, Matt. Wow, Big Win, you are very welcome. You are very welcome.

Go ahead and send me an email to podcast at epic real estate.com, and I'll reply with a $100.000. Amazon.com gift card in that email. And Bigwin, thank you. Thank you for sharing that with me. It makes me feel all good inside. All righty. So if you haven't done so already,

go to epic earlybird.com and register for the free training, the three simple principles to finding deeply discounted properties. And if I don't see it there, I'll see you right here on Thursday for another episode of Third Degree Thursday. I'm Matt Terrio, living the dream. You've been listening to Epic Real Estate Investing, the world's foremost authority on separating the facts from the BS in real estate investing education.

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