Erin is the Funny One - Jack the Sommelier

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

In this episode Erin addresses a recent body shaming incident, Klondike celebrates her 8th birthday and Jack’s senses are put to the test in a blind wine tasting. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Welcome back to Jack is not the funny one. I am one of your hosts. My name is Erin. And today I am joined by none other than me, I'm not the funny one. Hi. What's your name? My name is Jack.

Oh, wow. My name is Jack Phil. Hi, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much for not being very funny. You're welcome. Big fan. What episode is it? Well, honey, it's our fourth episode right now.

Did you know that four is an especially lucky number? I knew it's lucky in your heart. It's lucky in everybody's hearts, because 11 is the lucky number, but then one plus one, which is 11, is two, and two twos is four. Ergo, it's super lucky. It is an extra lucky episode today.

And we have a lot of partying in store. It's like getting three red shells in Mario Kart. It's really lucky. It's like catching a, well, you know what? No, no, never mind. I thought you were going to make an animal crossing joke. Well, I was, but then I realized that the red snapper isn't all that lucky.

So. And I couldn't even tell you, I don't know, the great flounder, I don't know. One of those rare fish that's like weirdly big. Like a swordfish. Sure, there you go. But I don't even think there were swordfish. Yeah, a sword there were.

That's not funny. That's not, that's why you're not the funny one. That was a reach. You know what, I admit, that was a reach. I'm sorry. Jack, we have a lot of partying in store today. That we do love. We have got, first, we have in store

the coolest, most awesome, pity party. Warp, warp. And then, followed by that, we have a birthday party because we're celebrating somebody's birthday today. And that person is like the most special, amazing person on the planet. She's better than most persons, I know. She literally is the icon for all things.

Be amazing, be smart. Be kind. Be kind, be good. She has a fashion line named after her. I know, I know. She's an icon. Her name is Klondike. And today is her eighth birthday.

It's our dog, if you didn't know. So we're gonna be celebrating our pity party. But then we have brighter skies ahead of us and we have a birthday party to celebrate. And we have to celebrate our queen properly. And we will, because she is our queen. We kind of simp very hard for our dog, Klondike. She's the OG.

We have three dogs and she's the oldest, the eldest of the three. She was the first before we knew we would ever have multiple dogs. Jack, Jack, save the speech. I'm so sorry. I'm getting so far ahead of myself. Save the speech.

All right, before we begin, Jack, could you please share? What is our wine of the week not sponsored? Honey, our wine of the week this week is a Chardonnay known simply as La Creme. Where is it from? Why it's from Sonoma coast, of course. Describe the taste to us. Oaky.

You only say that because you think that's what you're supposed to say. Wait, oaky. Hints of oak? I wouldn't say it's like the oaky. Very oaky. You know what? Gosh, we should start price checking these things.

I'm gonna say it is like $17 a bottle maybe. Yeah, I think that's fair. And I believe, I might be not correct in this, but I think it is part of the family of brands that are owned by Kendall Jackson. Oh. Kendall Jackson is another favorite of ours that we will eventually feature.

We default to that all the time, listeners. God, we gotta get sponsored. God. But in the meantime, we are enjoying ourselves some La Creme Chardonnay from the Sonoma coast. Year 2018, no less. And what a year it was. We got married in 2018.

We sure did. What else did we do? That was it. That was the highlight. I don't know, our honeymoon was also 2018, but that's kind of assumed. We did do that. We did do that.

That was a good year. Then it all went to shit. Yeah, pretty much. All right, Jack. All right, baby. I have one question for you. Lay it on me. Have you ever been that shamed?

I have. Well, good for you because this is about me, okay? It's a pity party, ladies and gentlemen. It's a pity party. Welcome to my pity party starring me. I say this with much enthusiasm, as though I wasn't crying about this like 24 hours ago, 48 hours ago, 72 hours ago, et cetera, et cetera.

But welcome to my pity party. Please enter. You are cordially invited. Thank you so much for coming. Are there snacks? Oh, you best believe there are snacks. Lots of them, all provided by me and definitely not strangers on the internet

because they all have opinions on what need to be served as snacks. And I don't really wanna hear any more opinions about anything ever again. If you're ever in need of unsolicited advice, might I just turn your attention over to the internet? I do feel as though I just wanna nip this one kind of in the bud because I don't know

how else to handle it. But I feel as though maybe I should share the story of what happened and how we arrived. Actually, you know what? Let me back up to provide some background as some of you might not know. A week and a half ago, Jack had posted a video of him and me

doing a Jackass episode. It had been a few months since I had been in a video. And for those who don't know, Jackass is just sort of our Q&A show series that I do on my YouTube channel. Sort of done tongue in cheek and we don't always do it together. In fact, it's rare when we do it together,

both on screen. Yeah, but this episode we ended up taking down after about maybe 10 hours or so at my request because I was aware that there were quite a few comments about my body and I feel so gross to even say it, but weight gain since I was last in a video. And I guess I just wanted to provide you with some background as to how this all came to be,

why it happened, all that stuff. Where to begin? Okay, I've been actually thinking about this for about a week now and how to address this with people, which kind of sucks because I've also at the same time been trying to figure out my own feelings. So I'll start with the beginning. Let me rewind to-

Set the scene. Yeah, let me set the scene. What's interesting is that when we've recorded the last episode, the Jackask had not yet been uploaded. And yet there were a number of things that tied back to what might provide some background here. So we had been talking in the last episode about red flags on Tinder, what are like no-gos.

And I had made the mention of how I don't think I could date somebody who had shirtless pictures in their profile photo because I have never been comfortable with my body and I just don't see that ever really meshing with somebody who obviously wants to show off their physique as somebody who even at my fittest, never felt totally confident in where I was. And this dates back so, so far.

I mean- Most of your life. One of my first memories is in kindergarten. It was back when your parents would pick out your clothes for you for school. I was five years old being really embarrassed by one of the outfits that was picked out for me because they were like spandex-ish type leggings.

And I felt like I was too big, too fat to wear them. What five-year-old thinks that? I think in my past life, I've come to the conclusion that I was either a razor blade in my past life or like maybe flat Stanley? Flat Stanley. Flat Stanley never had a deal with anything like this. So like that must be where it came from

because I don't know where else it did at such a young age. Like I remember in first grade, they had a spelling contest. Like we were in two teams and the teacher would read out a word. Like she would spell out a word. And then the first person to get the word would get a point for their team.

And the teacher spelled out C-A-K-E when I was up. And I got cake. I was like, cake, it's cake. And I got the point for my team. And instead of being excited that I got the point for my team, I remember immediately thinking, oh my God, everybody. Of course I'm gonna know how to spell cake

because I'm fat or whatever, right? So this is like deeply rooted. Let me just put it that way. Fucking flat Stanley, dammit. And- Impossible standards. Well, I have lived with this notion my entire life of like even when we were doing P90.

This is back in like 2014. 2014, I was at my lowest weight since literally middle school. Middle school, not even high school, middle school. I was at my lowest weight. And I was in like the 120s. And even then it's like any little tiny imperfection or whatever, it's just like, eh, it's their maggots that eat away at your brain.

So anyway, over the last, I wanna make sure that I'm not like trying to make excuses. I don't think it comes off like that at all. I guess what I'm about to say is like over the last, year and a half, we have been mostly secluded to our homes. And by the way, did you know that there was a pandemic? What? Yeah, like globally, it was wild.

It was crazy. Millions of people died. People were in pain. There was not only that, but there was divisiveness. There was hatred. Unrest. Unrest. Horrible, horrible acts being committed.

Did you know it's been pretty stressful? Did you know that? Couldn't tell you. No. I can't even begin to tell you how like, the fact that I didn't have to see people, that I was able to remove that one little stressor out of my life for a period of time of like,

nobody's gonna see me. So what does it matter what I look like, what my body looks like? Because by the way, also, quick reminder, it's my, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, yeah, it's mine. Anyway, I wanna say it was a relief, but it wasn't because there was plenty of other stress

that was happening, not only with me, with everybody, this isn't necessarily my pain, this is everybody's pain, but I didn't have to think about it for a bit. But I was aware of it, as I always have been, but I kind of, I knew it was for me, because it's once again, it's my body and it's personal, and I didn't need to share it with anybody, if I didn't need to.

And now that I've provided you with that background, I wanna take you to the Sunday before the Jackask was uploaded. Our friend Sean is one of Jack's editors, and he was proud of what he had done, and he sent me a still from the video. One of his many jokes that he does. He does a lot of these little Easter eggs

and cutesy little jokes in the videos. And it was the first picture that I had seen from what footage was taken, and I was, I don't know how else to say it, except I was shocked and sad, and I couldn't believe that I looked like that, and I was sad, and I cried on the floor for at least an hour about all the things, all the terrible, terrible, horrible things

that people tell themselves, and they're, you know, weakest moments, and I have a husband who told me that all of those things were not correct. They were not based in reality, and he basically comforted me and made me feel comfortable with the footage that was going to go up on Wednesday.

So Wednesday comes. I had been living in my own head about what I had seen of how unhappy I was with what I had looked like. I knew that the video had been uploaded. I had no plans to watch the video or read any of the comments, because I was living in this place of like,

Jack, the last time they saw me, I was wearing long sleeves. By the way, it's so gross that I literally have to think about like, what was I wearing, were my arms covered? It's just gross. So I was thinking like, they're gonna compare me to the last video.

I've gained weight, duh. By the way, to anybody who's pointed out my weight gain, like I don't have a closet full of clothes that don't fucking fit. Like, I know. Thank you for pointing it out. It's so helpful. I had no idea.

Not only do I not own a scale, but I don't own clothes. And so you're the first to point it out. Thank you so much. Super insightful guys, thank you. So I had no plans on watching the video and I had no plans of reading the comments, but I had asked Jack at some point in the evening. I had asked him,

were there any comments about my weight? Because this was my biggest fear and it was what I expected, but at the same time, most of quarantine I spent with people that I met through the Jack's Films fan base and they became my friends. We had a literal crew of people. We would play Animal Crossing and Among Us

and we would play Jackbox together. I would hang out with the people that I met through Jack and his YouTube fan base, more than I hung out with my own friends. And I guess I had convinced myself that there was such a wholesome group of people. And by the way, to anybody listening, I know that you all are still very wholesome,

but there are just some bad eggs in the bunch. I don't know how, bad apples in the bunch. I don't know how else to put it. I had convinced myself that maybe they would accept me for who I was because I knew that I had been accepted all throughout quarantine with my friends that I had made through the Jack's Films base.

And so I had asked Jack, has anybody made any comments about my weight? I'm gonna be honest. I knew right away, cause Jack was like, what, what was that? I didn't, what was, I didn't hear you, what? And I was like, fuck. And I said, did anybody make any comments about my weight? And you said, there were some.

And I was like, well, what did they say? And you said, I'm not gonna tell you. I'm not gonna tell you. It's not gonna do you any good. I'm not gonna tell you. And I was like, yeah, that's fair. How many were there? Like how many?

Not, not a lot. 10 tops. And I'm like, 10, that's so many. 10. And Jack like pulls it up. He's like, no, that's the, it wasn't a lot. It was like, and he pulls it up. He pulls up the video at the time.

There were like 2,000 comments. And he's like, 10 out of 2,000 is nothing. And I'm like, 10 is a lot. What did you do with them? He's like, I deleted them. And of course I'm like, well, what did you think when you read them? And he's like, I thought they were assholes.

I couldn't believe that they commented things like that. I don't know why they would comment things like that. So I cried and I picked myself up and I was like, you know what, let me turn it on its head. And I tweeted out like, you know what? Some of you might comment about my body and I embarrassed about it because obviously I know. And obviously it's on display for the world to see right now,

but also fuck you if you have a problem with this. And I meant it at the time. I had a moment of strength and a moment of fuck you then. And then later that night, we went to trivia with some friends of ours. And I had pretty visibly been crying, red, puffy, all the things, you know, and two friends of ours had said that they were going to

troll back the comments that were made about my weight gain on the video. Again, I just want to reiterate at this point, I still haven't even seen the video because I didn't want to see myself because I hated what I looked like, nor have I read any comments with my own eyes. All I know is that Jack confirmed there were some comments

and that I've now told two friends of ours that there were comments made about my weight and my body that I have not verified. All I know is that Jack said they were maybe 10 and they've been deleted. So these two friends pull up the video with the intent to troll back whoever was commenting these things. And within 10 seconds, they're like,

oh, this guy, oh, this guy, oh, this person, this person, oh, and this person, within, it was less than 10 seconds. They've noted four and I look at Jack and I'm like, you lied to me and Jack still stands by the fact that he did not lie to me. But I immediately, my heart, my stomach, all of those terrible things that you say to yourself, they were all confirmed true in that moment.

And I don't know how else to describe what happened, except that I think I had a panic attack. I felt humiliated. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed. I felt vulnerable. I literally felt like the joke. I was a joke.

And I immediately, I just said to Jack, take the video down. You need to take the video down. Take it down right now. To say I cried is an under, the understatement of the year, probably. I recently found out there was also a subreddit for public breakdowns or something.

A public freak out. Yeah, sorry. Literally can't believe I didn't end up on public freak out subreddit because it was horrible. Not what happened to me, but what I was feeling was horrible. And the following day was pretty much just a back and forth

of going in between stupid speeches that you say to yourself of like, just all the horrible things you could say to yourself. And then the day after Friday, I received phone calls from coworkers because apparently they had seen me on Reddit because I was on the fucking front page or something. And like when your side life kind of blends

with your real life, not only is it surreal in general, but when it's around you being embarrassed because of what you look like, it's that much more embarrassing. I read almost every single comment on that Reddit post and I'm still trying to figure out where I stand on the whole thing.

Do I put myself out on the internet and not expect critiques? That's fair, that's fair. People are like, grow up, you put yourself out there and people made fun of you? That's what the internet's all about. And I'm like, okay, I guess.

People were comparing the size of my arms to Jack's legs. People were literally debating each other about whether or not I qualify as being clinically obese. At the end of the day, something happened in my brain where after about 2,000 comments, I no longer felt like I was reading about myself, but that I was reading about somebody else.

It was like the weirdest out-of-body experience. You start becoming neutral to what you're reading. It no longer feels like an attack, it just is like a numbness where it literally feels like these things are being said about somebody else. I think it also helps in a way that like, but it also messes with me and I'm like,

these people don't know me at all. They don't know me, it's so weird. Anyway, I wanted to explain the moment that led up to us removing the video and how it was arrived at. I'm still dealing with like the lasting emotions around, dude, all of it. How it came to my attention

that there were a lot more comments than I realized and how that was delivered to me. And then all of the comments that I've read about my body, even though it's of no consequence to anybody else besides me. And maybe my husband, cause he's the one has to live with me, but mostly me, it's mine.

And I'm still trying to like figure that out and like, way, funny choice of words, but way the opinions that were made. But I gotta tell you, I've now seen some of the most disgusting things I've ever, that I think could ever be said about me. People were guessing how much I weigh, how much I've gained since I got married.

Like, ew, gross. People were literally asking, why does she still have her wedding picture as her Twitter profile picture? She doesn't look anything like that anymore. And it's like, maybe cause it's not Tinder, bro. Like, I don't know. I'm literally still trying to figure it out.

I guess at the end of the day, you know what? My biggest takeaway are two things. One, I am sorry to all the people that when I tweeted out the first time that like, fuck you if you don't like my body, that I couldn't maintain that stance. And two, my biggest takeaway is to all of the people that said such nice, supportive, loving,

wonderful things to me. And the vast majority of you have never even actually met me in person or know me on like a personal level. Thank you. I've seen it. I can't even begin to tell you every single one helped. And there was a lot.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It sucked that I do now have this bias or whatever you wanna call it,

resistance, something to like be in front of a camera, be part of the jacks films kind of community because I have met so many of you. I literally spent my entire quarantine hanging out with people from the jacks films community. And I had so much fun doing so and I felt so accepted. And eventually, I think I'll probably come back. I don't know what that looks like yet.

For now, I think we're gonna keep the video down for now. Maybe someday I will feel better uploading it or reposting it. But in the meantime, I just want to thank every single person that tweeted at me or DMed me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love the jacks films community, how much you guys mean to me. And it really sucks that there's a few bad apples in there.

But in the meantime, I guess let's try to lift each other up. And thank you for coming to my pity party. All right, guys, now we're done with the pity party. It was a good pity party though, was it not? I was gonna say I enjoyed it, but that sounds like an asshole. I will say the open bar was great. Yeah, you know what? That's what a good pity party was.

And I did not tip. What? Yo, the bartender's gonna have a pity party now. What a jerk. Listeners tip your bartender. After a pandemic, no less, where they were most likely out of work. I know, I'm the asshole, right?

Jeez Louise, God. Oh my gosh. All right, don't we have a birthday party to celebrate? Oh my gosh, it's Klondike's birthday. Happy birthday, Klondike. Now for this segment, I have written an ode to Klondike. An ode to Klondike? An ode to Klondike.

What have you written? Not a thing. Wow, some father you are. Except my horoscopes. That's what we call a deadbeat dad. Okay. Wow. Then I'll start off,

because now we're gonna do an ode to Klondike, because today is her eighth birthday. And for those asking, Klondike is a toy American Eskimo, who has been a part of our lives since 2013. She is the oldest of our three dogs. We have two other dogs, Sunday and Chipwich, also toy American Eskimos. But Klondike is the OG, as Aaron said,

and we love Klondike. She's the kind, old soul. Happy birthday, Klondike. Happy birthday. Cheers. All right. This would be very good. Klondike, my firstborn,

the one who made me a mother. Well, today is your eighth birthday. And I can't believe it was just eight years ago I birthed you into this world. How fast? How fitting it is that a delight and a miracle, such as yourself, be a cancer. Oh, I'm sorry, what season is it?

It's cancer season, baby. Like, if anybody could be a cancer, it better be Klondike, right? I think she fulfills all the personality traits of a cancer, yes. But I digress. Be a cancer too, because of course you are. Sean, the uniballer, recently told me

that he thinks that you act like you're too good for him. But that's because you are too good. Yeah. For everyone. Yeah. I'm glad you know that. Have the best birthday. You are the best forever and always.

Even if sometimes you limp just for attention. Oh, she does do that, doesn't she? Happy birthday, Klondike. We love you so much. Oh, it was beautifully written. Yeah. What a lovely ode. I'm her mother, of course.

It's a beautiful ode. Birth mother even. Yes. Allegedly, which is news to me. We had a water birth. Ew, don't. Yeah. Oh, you know, I've seen those on YouTube.

They are messy. How about the YouTube video we saw? Remember the lady gave birth in the river? Remember that? Remember it? Honey, I made a whole video about that. You did? Yeah.

You don't watch your YouTube videos. Years and years ago, I made a video called top 10 videos on YouTube and I end with that one. But you probably didn't even credit me, even though I was the reason that you saw that in the first place. Oh, that can't be true. That's a Jack film original.

You know I have like a thing about like, I don't know, I'm kind of obsessed with like. Live births? Kind of. You like body horror. You like body horror and body mutilation. Birth is the wildest thing I've ever seen. It's the ultimate mutilation.

It. It. It. It. It. Have you guys seen any video? Okay, hold on. No, you know what?

Let me back up. If you have not seen videos of a kangaroo being born. Oh man. Do yourselves a favor and look that shit up on YouTube. Just make sure it's right before dinner or during. No, it's not like that. It's not like a giraffe where they literally fall like 10 feet from the ground.

Like what a welcome to earth. Right? I think that's what they say to say, welcome to earth. It's not like that. It's not like that. It's a, I don't even know how to describe it except if you don't already know whatever you think it is, it's not that.

It's, it is even crazier than that. And listeners, I'm going to offer some counter advice. Don't do that. No, it's not grotesque. It's simply amazing. You know what? It is kind of cool. It's not grotesque the same way a baby being born is.

It's fascinating because it's all instinctual, right? Like they just know to do what they do. Yeah, okay. It's crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. There you go. There's your YouTube video recommendation of the week. Also now after you watch the kangaroo birthing video, that is what happened with me and Klondike.

I thought yours was the river bird. Now that we have bummed out our audience, grossed out our audience, what else do we have in store for you? You tell me ringleader, this is your show this week. Well, ladies and gents, if you were listening last week, you will know. They weren't listening.

They had this podcast on while they were like doing laundry. Okay, that's fair. Or watching Netflix. I don't know why they, nobody, no, nobody, nobody has a podcast playing while watching Netflix. Yeah, you're right. That wouldn't make sense. Over stimuli by far.

So anyway, what we have next, everybody, is. I'm so excited. Last week, we made an aside about how Jack films suffers. He's one of the rare sufferers from face blindness. It's not funny. Taste blindness and smell blindness. The worst kind. Today, we are going to put that to the test.

We are going to give Jack's films seven samples. Oh, it's seven. Seven, cause it's lucky. It is lucky. Almost like four. It's not four and it's not 11, but it's seven, which is like close enough.

I think it's a perfect number. We are going to give Jack's films seven samples of wine. And we're going to see if he can smell which color the wine is. Okay. And then taste which color the wine is. And then taste or smell what type the wine is, like varietal, if you will.

I will. All the while, Jack's films will be blindfolded. A truly blind taste test? A truly blind taste test. I have here in my hands. Oh, that's what that's for. A, like the thing that you put over your eyes when you sleep, but because I don't trust you for shit,

I'm also going to wrap your face in this thing that you're supposed to like use on your back. If you get a spray tan, it's supposed to spread the spray tan along your back, but I'm going to wrap it around your head. So listeners, she's holding this wide long piece of cloth that actually has like handle straps on each side. I guess specifically for single tanners

who don't have a friend that's comfortable with like, you know, seeing them naked or whatever. So, so you do that. Okay. We are going to wrap Jack's films up in these two double duty blindfolds and see if he can determine what the beverages are. I cannot wait to shut down these disgusting gross rumors

of my taste blindness. Say what you will about my face blindness. That is legit. I just came back from a wedding and there were a few people that I was like, ooh, I may or may not know that man. So face blindness, 100% real. Taste blindness, smell blindness.

Bring it on, bitch, bitch, bitch. All right, Jack, do you want red or white first? I thought the whole thing. That was a joke. It was a joke, okay? I was going to say, yeah. It was a joke. All right.

Listeners, I am double blindfolded. First, I want you to tell me what you smell. Okay. I want you to see if you can tell if it's red or white by the smell alone. Right. And then when you taste it, tell me what type you think it is.

Let's go, baby. All right. Are you ready? Sure. First up. Okay. All right. So she's loaded a cup into my hand.

I'm going to smell it. I'm going to tell you if it's red or white. Yes. Instantly. Yes. All right, here we go. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Hold on one more. Okay. All right. This one's easy. It was a white. This is definitely a white.

Okay. It smells like a white. I'm not tasting. It smells like a white? Yeah. Okay. It smells like a white. What does it smell like?

It is a chardis of Nyon Blanc. Do you know any other types of whites? Isn't it like Pinot Gris? There is a Pinot Gris. Yes. And other whites also include muscat. A sweeter white variety. Okay.

All right. Go ahead, taste it. And you tell me. Am I wrong? Wrong about what? Muscat. No, I don't think you are. Then why'd you laugh?

Because. You know I'm fragile. Same bro. All right. I'm taking a sip. Yeah. So that confirmed my smell. It's certainly white.

Uh-huh. Insulting that you would think I wouldn't know that. Uh-huh. Let me take another sip and swirl it around a bit. Okay. Yeah, I'm leaning towards chard. Okay. But let's wait.

Okay. It goes on easy though. I will say solves go down easier for me. But I'm gonna say this is a chard. Final answer. Chardonnay white wine. That was an easy one. Yeah.

It was Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. Hell yeah. See that's why I went down easy. Cause KJ's a good wine. Not sponsored. Not sponsored. All right. I'm gonna get you another one.

Okay. Are you ready? Let's go. All right. Here you go. Let's go. Take a good sniff of that one. The quiz is easier than asking me who Justin Bieber's wife is.

Yeah, I bet. I started out easy. Okay. Hmm. Me thinks this one's a different blend. I have never seen Jack nose a cup any deeper than he's literally showing his nose as deep in the cup as he can. Donate.

Donate. Here's the deal. I'm a bit perplexed. I don't think it's white. It doesn't smell like an outward red though. It smells like a fruit juice, which leads me to believe it mayhaps is a red type. Perhaps a rosé. I know we have some of those.

I think you're cheating. Is that not? What? Is the blindfold not? I swear to God. I swear to God. I cannot see anything. I'm not looking.

In fact, my eyes are closed right now. I'm not trying to peek and I'm actually, that gives me confidence, but you just said. All right. Taste it and you tell me what it is. Ew. Oh, shit. I don't know what this is. Hold on.

Okay. I genuinely don't know what this is. Hold on. My forgetful wife, bless her soul. She forgot to get me like a palette cleanser in between tastings. It's fine. I can get you the Chardonnay again that'll at least be able to compare between the Kendall Jackson Chardonnay and other things.

Okay. It's not a red. I don't think it's a white either. I'm going to get, I'm actually, I'm genuinely guessing I'm, because I'm kind of inexperienced in this game. Describe the taste. What does it taste like? Like when you taste it, it tastes like what?

I can't describe it. I'm so sorry. It's the blindness. It's fine. It's the blindness. It leaves you numb of words. If I didn't have this blindfold, I'd, you know, it just opens up the rest of my taste senses.

Right. It's a rosé. Okay. You got lucky. It is a rosé. Fuck yeah. But you can't describe the taste of a rosé. Apparently I don't need to baby.

Wow. Okay. Damn. I'm good. That's two for two. It was Josh Rosé. All right. Sample three.

Sample three. Feed me. Feed me. I'm going to wake up very unhappy tomorrow morning. All right. No. Smell it. You're supposed to smell it.

Oh my God. Sorry. I don't know. None of that went in my mouth. What are you doing? Sorry. I absolutely went for the sip. Don't worry.

Sniff it. I did not taste anything. Sniff it. Here we go. Ready? Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

It's fruity. Ooh. Specifically. Oh my God. What is that? What is this lovely concoction? This is unlike anything I've had yet. Not a red.

Reds are. Because they're overpowering. Okay. In what sense? It's just so red. It's too much red. Okay. This.

This is very fruity. This is going, whatever this is, this is going to go down very easy. This is like a, this is a muscat or something. I mean, like, I don't think we even have any muscats, but this, like the scent alone. I don't know what this is. This could be like a, what do we have that's even, I don't think it's a rosé. Maybe it's something, maybe it's a white that's like very, I don't know. Would that be a Pinot Gris?

Like, I don't know. Like it's something very sweet. Like berries. It's a cream. It's a cream. All right. I'm going to say it's a type of white. I'm not very confident about that, but I don't think it's a red.

Okay. Reds are heavy. Yes. All right. Here we go. Can I sip? Sure. Thank you.

Okay. This. See, this is my jam. This is my jam. And I'll tell you why. These go down so. I was saying this before. And I will die on this hill.

These go down so much smoother and easier for me. This. Oh, it's so obvious. This is a Sauvignon Blanc. Final answer. What the fuck? Yes. Dude, what the fuck?

Yes. You don't know. No, you are taste blind and smell blind. And yet I nail the quiz with the greatest of ease. Why do I feel like you're cheating? Honey. I feel like you're cheating. My eyes.

The same way you lied to me about how many comments that were on the video. Lying to me right now. Honey. I see nothing but darkness just like if I didn't have the pine falls. The one you just drank was Kim Crawford Sauv Blanc. My. Not sponsored. My regards to Kim Crawford and her Sauvignon Blanc.

It was delightful. Okay. Sample four. Are you ready? Yes. Sniffing this one. Oh my. Oh my pungent is the word that comes to mind.

But a rosy pungent. It's a flowery scent. Like soap. I believe this is soap. You think I was. I do. No. Baby, I promise I would not feed you soap.

I promise. Listeners, my wife is feeding me soap in a cup. That would make you very sick. I would not feed you soap. Yo fellas, get yourself a girl who gives you soap in a cup. All right. Hold on. Smells like candy.

It smells like candy. It smells like candy. Candy. It smells like candy. Hold on. Like no, like the fruity citrusy orangey candy or something. Like a Jolly Rancher. Like a Jolly Rancher?

Do you? Yeah. Yeah? Is this the Jolly Rancher wine? It might be. No, it's very like. Is it red or white, Jack? What's your guess?

Just by smelling it. Is it red or white? So like, I don't like reds. So I think it's on the whiter side. Okay. Cause you like the smell of that? Yeah. Okay.

I guess I have to taste it now. Okay. I hate you. Oh my God. Listeners, get this. My wife just fed me like. Is that just pure lemon juice? It was lime juice.

Lime juice. There it is. Is it red or white? Fuck you. Oh, if you can only see the puckering I did. Honey, I will see you in court. This isn't a fucking game. You're playing with a man's taste behind this.

Wow. I didn't know you'd have a goof, a goof one. Unbelievable. What a joker. Okay. Yeah. We have three more. Okay.

Okay. And I'm going to nail them all just like I nailed the others. Number five. Ladies and gentlemen, mambo number five. Oh my goodness. Easiest red ever. Hold on. Yuck.

That's a red. I can't wait for you to just drink a whole big fucking gulp of cranberry juice and be like, Dan, that's the worst red I've ever had. Bullying. You see this listeners is bullying. Yeah. That is the reddest of reds. What kind of red is it, Jack?

Wow. Okay. Pinot noir. What are my options? Pinot noir. There's a lot. There's a lot of reds. There's a bro log, Cabernet.

Uh-huh. Cabernet. Okay. I'm going to say Cabernet. Okay. It's a pinot noir. God damn it. She just stuck to my gut.

Dang. Whatever. Okay. Don't give me a point. All right. We're on the pen ultimate. I'm sorry. What was that?

Pen ultimate. You're not confident how to say that word. Pen ultimate. Is there a T after pen? No. That's right. I have word blindness. Oh, you do sometimes.

I mean, that's why we love you. Okay. Here we go. Now we're back in sweeter white territory. That's right. This is already not a chardonnay. No, no, no, no, no, no. Could be another sauv blanc.

Could be a rosé. I doubt it though. I doubt it. It has a sweet simmering scent of a sauvignon blanc. I dare say. It's weird. It's as if Moira Rose died and came back to life as my husband. People call me out on this all the time.

I can't help it. I really can't help it. You can. You can. You can help it. You know what it is? It's my borat. Borat was everyone's default 15 years ago.

It's my Moira now. But yet you still say my wife. I sure do. Because it's funny. Here we go. I think it's another sauvignon blanc. Before I commit, let me try to think of other whites. Are these all different though?

You won't tell me. That's fine. One more sip. I think it's a sauvignon blanc. Or like a youritstroumener. Youritstroumener. They're so good. They are.

I don't think we have any of those though. I'm going to say sauvignon blanc. It's the same thing that you drank two samples ago. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

Fuck. What the fuck? This bit is failing. It's not though. This is fun. I'm actually having the time of my life. Last but not least, Jack. Shut the fuck up.

Okay. Last. I need you to drink this last thing. Okay. Smells kind of soapy. Yep. Giving me soap again. Uh-huh.

You know what? I think you're just... Hold on. Is this just... I haven't tasted it yet. Is this just a bigger thing of lime juice? No. It's not.

I think it's a bigger thing of lime juice. It's not. I promise. The reason why I picked lime juice in the first place was because it smelled weirdly similar to one of the wines that... Oh, really? Yeah. That's why I picked it in the first place because I wanted to fool you.

Okay. Okay. So this is... It's not red. It's not that disgusting red. Get those out. This is a white or off-white, perhaps red, rosé. Sorry.

That kind of... Yeah. Perhaps rosé, perhaps... I'm going to say it's a white though. It's just one of those sweet berry whites. Let's take a sip. She lied. And I believe you.

Why did I believe you? It's just... It's the fucking lime juice again. To be fair, it's lime juice and water. It's watered down, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's very much watered down.

Oh, my God. I'm glad you had fun. Sorry, not sorry. That was great. Honey. Do you want some? That was great. Yeah, I'll take some lime juice.

Hey, Jack. Congratulations. You passed the test. I guess you are not taste blind nor nose blind, but... Still face blind? Still face blind. Straight up. You literally can't tell people apart.

You've met people numerous times. So many times, and they're so insulted. You are the person that I hate in that I've met you 12 times, sir. Stop saying, nice to meet you. It's getting rude, okay? A cheers. A cheers. Enjoy some Sauv Blanc on behalf of Kim Crawford Wines, even though it's not sponsored.

This was my favorite by far, Sauvignon Blanc. You did seem very enthusiastic about how fruity that wine smell was. I am a simp for the Blancs. I really am. I love the lightness of them. They're not as strong, and they have a lower alcohol percentage, right? No, they don't. Yeah.

No, they don't. It's like 3% as opposed to 12. No, they don't. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's practically water, but I love it. It's the same percentage as every other wine. Super low alcohol percentage wine, and I love it. No.

No. Not true. Honey. Is it time? Do you know what time it is? Is it time? 3, 2, 1. Cancer season.

I don't know. I was going to say horoscope. It's cancer season time. But also, this is the last cancer season episode. Well, yeah, for sure. For this year. But the way that we've celebrated cancer season. So first off, we celebrated expressing our feelings, which is like, hello.

If you know anything about cancers, it's that we have a lot of feelings and emotions. So like, there's no better way to celebrate the end of cancer season than talking about our emotions and things that mean a lot to us. Secondly, we celebrated with a birthday party for Klondike, and she is a cancer. And so once again, there's no better way to celebrate the end of cancer season and our last cancer season episode than celebrating Miss Klondike's birthday. Now, are you ready? Do you have your shit ready?

I have my shit ready. Do you have your shit ready? Jack, are you ready to read the final cancer horoscope of cancer season? I am, and it's bittersweet. Just wait. Just wait. Just because cancer season is over doesn't mean that we can't smile because it happened. Fuck you.

Don't give me that motivational poster in an English classroom bullshit. How dare you? It's almost insulting is when you handed me lime juice and asked me if it was white or red. I think you're real clever. All right, Jack, I'm going to have you read the first horoscope, which is ironically the last cancer horoscope of cancer season for our recurring horoscope segment. Aaron and I each write six original horoscopes that the other then blindly reads for the

first time. Cancer. Do not fret cancer. For your season is eternal and will live on in all our hearts. Thank God for that actually because how else would everyone get through the rest of the year? Your shine, grace, talent, exorbitant wealth, all powerful knowledge, that spaceship you invented, the fact that your yacht is bigger than Jeffrey Bezos' dinky POS boat, the millions

of lives you've saved, and your psychic abilities bless more than just you. They bless everyone. Congratulations on being so enviable. That truly was fit for a cancer. That was great. If you're a cancer, you're doing it right. Leo, you should invest in sketchy coin. The hot new cryptocurrency made famous by popular prank YouTuber Tommy Tickles.

He is legally required to state that he is not a financial advisor, but he like really believes in this shit coin and totally isn't pumping and dumping. By the way, have you seen Tommy Tickles' videos? They're the best. He wants tricked an entire orphanage into thinking they'd get adopted. Dude's a massive legend. Book him on cameo for only $3.99. Wow.

That's a deal. Dude, Tommy Tickles, man. I love, he's a guilty pleasure of mine. I love all his pranks. I think I saw a documentary on HBO about him. He has like a whole tickle ring. He is related. He's heavily involved.

He gets people to be in tickle fights and he records them and it's super normal and very cool. Super normal and very cool, which is the name of the documentary too. Virgo. Virgo? We're like, you're going to go make me a sandwich nerd, go? You're probably so used to getting dumped and watching her go. God, when people talk to you, I bet it's like being in burgo Tory.

Is it cold in here? Because I just felt a burgo. Okay. Now I go by go. I feel like those ending ones were a little lazy, a bit of a stretch. Excuse you. Excuse you. A little lazy go.

The universe works in the universe ways. Okay. Oh, that was lazy. Go. No, go. No, go. No, go. Okay.

No, go. No, go. No, go. No, go. Virgo. No, go. Virgo. You didn't even try with the burr.

You didn't even try. How should I have said burgo? You didn't even attempt to sound cold. I'm sorry. You didn't even try. You didn't even try. I don't know how into it you want me to read these things. I think a straight dead plan delivery is funny.

No. You want me to care? I'll care. You know what? No, I know. No, I know. Give me this. Minor mentally.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Are you a Virgo? Because I don't see a sandwich in front of me right now. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Libra. Make it only fans. You dumb coward.

Show us your feet. Remember Becky Gibson from psych class. She has an only fans now where she posts selfies of her farting on birthday cakes. And she makes more than 10 doctors combined. What's your excuse? Loser. Damn. I remember Becky Gibson.

Dude, I gotta tell you, I have this weird thing with Libras. Where I am simultaneously like, I feel like I'm surrounded by them, but it's like a love hate thing. Like I either love them and they love me or I love them and they hate me. That's so weird because when I sense myself around Libras, I don't know because I don't care about people's birthdays. Wow. Asshole.

Do you also fat shame people on the internet? I wouldn't doubt it. Wow. Okay. Okay. That's extreme. I would pretend that I cared about you, but also I don't have to. So what's your birthday again?

Wow. I'm just going to read this next horoscope. Okay. Scorpio. Oh, you're still here? Okay. Let me see what the future has in store for you. Ah, yes.

That's right. I'm not going to win the lottery, but at the same time become obsessed with the backyard games. And you're going to waste all your lottery winnings on backyard against merch and then your family is going to be so angry that they didn't get to spend any of your lottery winnings that they're going to convince a judge that you need to be placed under conservatorship because you spent all your money on what they refer to as weird alien toys. But then in the craziest twist, you will realize you don't even really like the backyard against

that much, but now you will have to live out the rest of your days surrounded by the backyard against toys, wearing backyard against clothes and singing backyard against songs because it's the only thing you have left. Hashtag free Brittany hashtag not sponsored. Glad that's cleared up. There you go. Scorpios. What a fun Odyssey you're about to embark.

Ew. Like I get it. They had some bangers, but like merch, I don't know. No, no, no, no. Here's the thing. Visionary, right? So like they have wallpaper, they have ceiling fans, they have clothes, they have underwear, they have a swimming pool with floats in it.

I mean, we're talking Jojo Siwa level of like merch. They have a car with just covered in backyard against characters. That's that's what we're up against. That's what we're up against. Scorpios. Good luck, everybody. Bless them. You'll be able to spot them on the highway at least, you know, you know, Sagittarius.

Deuce Bigelow is back. This time, the globetronning gigolo finds himself the target of a crazed murderer who is making quick work of Europe's finest male prostitutes. Oh, wait, sorry. This is just the trailer for Deuce Bigelow, European Gigolo. Your horoscope is a, I don't know, listen to your feelings or some shit, rated PG-13 for pervasive crude humor, 9% on rotten tomatoes, also Deuce Bigelow deserves better because that was a great movie and it was, I mean, it wasn't great, but like you understand,

it was good for its times and probably deserve better for 9% given its time and but also the Rob Snider. Capricorn. Have you ever thought about like what's on the outside of space? Like no, outside of space at the end of it. What is it? Where are we? What are we doing here?

Are we actually just a tiny cell or even an atom inside of something else? And like, what is that something else? Why won't anyone believe me about Bill Murray? He fucking ate all my uncrustables, okay? I just like, why won't anybody believe that? He put his old wrinkly sweaty hands over my eyes, unwanted by the way. Oh, wow. Now you're making some accusations, okay?

I was only making the accusation of he ate all my uncrustables and now he has a stomach ulcer. That's right. But you had to take it too far. I took it too far. I'm sorry. I, you know what? On behalf of Bill Murray's legal team, I want to apologize.

Apologize. Apologize. Apologize. Aquarius. You should really get that mole on your back checked out. I had a friend whose cousin found a mole on their back and thought nothing of it. Well, guess what? That friend's cousin now believes that Hillary Clinton runs a baby blood ritual cult with

Tom Hanks. I don't know if the mole is related, but I think you should maybe probably kind of sort of get that shit checked out. That's just good advice, honestly. Also, like they're cancerous to the skin and cancerous to the brain. You know what I mean? I do. You know what I mean?

That's a really informative horoscope. It's the same reason I don't use SPF because it's cancerous to the skin and cancerous to the brain. Do you know what I mean? I do. Kind of. Do you know what I mean? No, not anymore.

Yeah. And it's the same reason that I don't believe in exercise because it's cancerous to the skin and it's cancerous to the brain. You know what I mean? I do. You know what? Now I'm on board. Do you know what I mean?

Let's read the next horoscope. Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. I thought you knew better Pisces, but I guess I hardly knew thee. You know that people record everything on their phones these days, so you must have known it was not a good idea to arrange a flash mob doing the WAP dance at your grandmother's birthday party. If you're going to do it, do it right. Next time, tell your grandmother, I expect some more enthusiasm during the macaroni

in a pot part. Hey. That's filthy. She wasn't that into it. You know what I mean? And it's like, I think the universe is saying she needs to be. Nana's 95. All right.

Of course, she's not going to be into it. Into it. Into it. Aries. Remember that game show greed on Fox? No. No. You don't?

No. Hosted by Chuck Woolery. What? No. Where it was almost exactly like who wants to be a millionaire, but like with teams, whatever happened to that show. Damn, I miss it. Oh, right.

Sorry. I lost your horoscope. That's nobody remembers that show. What the? No. This is a good show. Nobody remembers that show. I'm close to it earlier.

Nobody. Nobody remembers that show. I. If you remember that show, show of hands, please tweet at me. It was it was like number two toes up. Please tweet at me. What? Nobody.

I don't remember those game shows at the turn of the millennium right alongside who wants to be a millionaire and all these the weakest link. It was a show called greed and like their big claim to fame was like, we're not giving away one million dollars. We're going to give away two million dollars and that was like the big draw that it was like more than who wants to be a millionaire and it was on Fox. They had to share it with a team. So it wasn't as like, right?

Exactly. Like it's like, but you have to split it now. You have to split it like two or three or four ways, not one person winning a million dollars. It's like 10 people. How many people? How many people were on team? I think it starts with five per team and then it like round per round.

You like whittle them down to like four, then maybe three and then maybe two. So you technically could split two million dollars. Like each person gets a million. That's correct. Oh, okay. Nevermind. I take it back. It's cool.

It's cool as hell. That's so cool. Oh my gosh. So cool. It's cool as hell. It's just like Fox to be canceling cool shit. So it's very Fox. Gosh.

Remember family guy got canceled like three times. What's family guy? It's like greed. It's on the same time as greed. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Yeah. One guy and like people he chose to be in his family as opposed to like the family you're

born with. No, it was more like the tick. I don't know the tick. Okay. Me neither. I didn't see it. What the fuck? That's another Fox show.

Cool. Taurus. Isn't it so great that Klondike is a cancer Taurus? Don't forget to congratulate her because she worked really hard on it. Also, could we agree that Pisces' grandma is kind of hot, right? Your card's right. You just might be invited to the birthday party next year. Yeah.

Oh, what a nice note to end on for all you Taurus's out there. Play your cards right. Nan is cool. Also, before you go to the birthday party next year, just like learn the WAP dance. That way you're prepared in case they redo it to do a better version of it because there really wasn't all that emphasis on the macaroni in a pot shit. You know what I mean? It's embarrassing when people don't know the WAP dance, especially at weddings when

they blast that. WAP is an all or nothing dance and song. Yeah. You can't half-ass WAP. That's what Pisces' grandmother was also talking about. That's right. That's right. That's right.

Gemini. Look, Jack. I want to read this final horoscope, but I'd like to hop on my soapbox for a moment. Oh, well, go ahead, I guess. I'm sick. What's up? No, just say it. Just say what's on your mind, babe.

I'm sick of the lame stream media telling me to get vaxed. It'll be a cold day in hell before I surrender my body to this mutative gene therapy. To quote my idol and legendary actor, Rob Schneider, just say no. In fact, I'd love to use this opportunity to plug my new healing essential oils that create an organic shield to fight off the quote-unquote virus. Can I just double back and say how proud I am of American hero, Rob Schneider for standing up to Big Pharma? I know what my weekend plans are, rewatching the Deuce Bigelow film duology on my American

made television, USA, USA, USA. Oh honey. I feel victimized once again. That's so weird. Too soon, bro. I feel victimized. I thought you were going to read the last horoscope for Gemini's, but you kind of just went on tangent there.

I mean, technically, you know what? Rob Schneider might be a Gemini. Oh god. Hold on. Do the research. You really went off script there for a minute. No, he's not. What is he?

He's a fucking Scorpio, that son of a bitch. And what do we say about Scorpios? Oh yes, they're going to get very deeply invested in all things backyardigans, merch, music. If nothing else, we can rely on Rob Schneider becoming a backyardigans superfan. One can hope. Spending his entire fortune that he earned from one of my favorite movies, Fifty First Dates, on backyardigans merch. It is true.

Aaron has an unhealthy obsession with Fifty First Dates. I'm pretty sure that he has his nipples pierced and in the little hoops. In the movie? In real life. In the little hoops, the little things that are hanging from the hoops. Sometimes there's balls, sometimes there's things. He has little backyardigans heads. It's kind of like the teletubbies, but he's obsessed with the backyardigans.

We don't make the horoscopes. The horoscopes make us. Does his left nipple say cast and the right nipple say aways? No, he has a tattoo that magically appeared in the middle of the night. He literally woke up one day and on his back, he had a tattoo of the entire album list by song. It was like track one, cast aways, track two. Every single track he had on his back, it just magically appeared.

It's what happens when you invest too much in the backyardigans. Is that what happened in the movie, The Animal? Because I didn't see it, but is that what happened? He wakes up one day and this shit's on his back? Kind of, except he's not the animal. The animal? No, he's not the animal. No, it's somebody else.

I don't want to spoil it, even though it's fucking 25 years old. I don't want to give away who the animal is, but he's fighting an animal, but he is not the animal. We can plan to see the animal with Rob Schneider. Well, now we need to see it. I think we had it on once a year. No, I've seen it like five times. Like I know what the animal entails. You apparently do not.

It's so sad. Listen, some of us had to rely on movies that played on TNT and TBS, because that's what we had available to us. Okay? Can you imagine? And so some of us have seen a number of movies many, many times, even though we've already seen them, just because that's what we did as kids. That was what was available to us. Netflix didn't exist yet, Hulu didn't exist yet, HBO Max, stars, like all these things. Nothing existed yet.

If you ask me, the best way to watch a movie is with 20 television commercial breaks. I agree. Each longer than the last. It does take me back to my childhood a bit. I will say that. My prediction, we will become nostalgic for that in a not too distant future. And that's the tea, sis. Well, I think that about does it for this week.

Thank you guys for joining my pity party. It just felt nice not being so alone at my pity party. Thank you for coming to Klondike's birthday party. You can't see her, but she is wasted off her ass right now on Jell-O shots. She thought she could handle him and she could not. She started off the night limping around the house thinking like, she's like, I'm the birthday girl, it's going to get me attention. And then like the more Jell-O shots she took, she just got wilder and wilder. And now she is, um, well, let me just say this.

She's not wearing any clothes. Okay. She's not wearing any clothes. It's tough to watch guys. I, yeah. So she had a great birthday. That's true. The sign of any good birthday.

But thank you so much for joining us. Klondike is grateful. I am grateful. Who are you again? I'm the other guy. Okay. The other guy is here and I don't know if he's grateful. I doubt it.

He doesn't look like I'm going to grateful. You know, he's grateful for the, uh, the open bar that you provided, even the lime juice. Cool. So thanks for that. Cool. Hope to see you guys next week. Can't wait and God speed, be good and be nice till next time.