Erin is the Funny One - Welcome to the Party!

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Our first episode! Here we lay out what we want our podcast to be while playing games, taking about how Jack is scared of everything, and listening to Erin rant. So much ranting. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Welcome everyone to the first episode of our brand new podcast, Aaron is the funny one. I'm Jack Douglas, and with me as always is my wife, Aaron, who by the way, had nothing to do with the title of the podcast. I was strong armed by the patriarchy because once again, they just wanted to take credit for a woman being funny and they didn't want any pressure on themselves. Right, all the pressure's on you. If this thing sucks, we know who to blame. It literally feels that way, so. Yeah, but thank you dear listeners. Hold on, I would like to say I'm happy to be here regardless because I know I can carry this team just like every strong woman does. To be fair, you carry our YouTube show that we occasionally do together called Jack Ask.

Whenever you're on those, you really do carry those episodes, so I trust that you will carry this podcast in a similar fashion. That's mostly just my incredible knowledge of all things anime, all things. Yeah, video games. Gen Z-ish type things. Love Gen Z. I'm just super on top of it in terms of, you know, general internet knowledge. I'm like a Wikipedia of sorts, if you will. You're very with the zeitgeist of the internet.

Yes, I am. Me equals internet. Well said as always. Yes. So this is our first episode, and I think I kind of want to begin with what we hope to accomplish, what we aim to do here with this podcast, because I think you had some goals that you really wanted to do with this thing. I am super excited. First off, I would like to set the vibe.

We are here for a good time. Not a long time. We are here to bring the party, so please, we are going to have some fun. Legitimately, what I would like to accomplish as part of this podcast is that we just have a very good time, and I would like to curate the experience of what it really is like to watch TV or sit on the couch with me and JackFilm as we do every night. And especially as we have every night during the panorama. Like that word censored. I don't think that we're allowed to say that.

Absolutely not. I don't know. No, I have wood out in the corner shaking their head furiously. You cannot say the pandemic word. You just said it. Ah, fuck. What the heck? Well, there goes all our sponsorships.

So basically, this podcast has been a long time coming. Very. It really has been. It is something that Jack and I started having conversations about when we weren't supposed to be leaving our home. And so we didn't leave our home for a very long time. And we went through phases of hobbies the last 15 months or so. We went through video game phases. We went through board game phases.

We went through crossword puzzle phases. We went through hunter killer phases. Oh my, how many hunter killers do we have? Oh my God, I'm looking at a stack of like two dozen. By the way, not not sponsored. Not sponsored. This is like, do you want a hunter killer? I'll send it to you.

Seriously, we have too many. We have too many. I know the answer. I know who the killer is. Just give us give us your address and your social security number. Your mother's name and the three numbers on the back of your credit card and we'll give you whatever you want. We've gone through all of the phases and throughout all of this. We learned a lot about each other and there were moments where we realized maybe it would

be fun if other people joined in on this conversation. Exactly. We aren't the most boring people, but I mean, we worked really quickly on this. So it only took us 13 months, but we. I think that's a pretty solid work ethic. That's a turnaround. That is a turnaround. That's a turnaround timeframe that I've never seen before.

Unprecedented. Unprecedented. In the world of podcasts. Guys, we're facing a lot of unprecedented things lately. We live in unprecedented times. And we are one of them. In an unprecedented turnaround time. Let's never hear that word again.

Honestly. No, thank you. Words that I never want to hear again. Unprecedented. Droplet. Oh, you hate droplet. I hate. Anyway, we're getting off track.

But thank you so much for joining us. Welcome to our party. We're happy to have you. We're excited to have you. It's been so long. We used to have people over all the time. We don't have people over all the time anymore, obviously, but welcome. We're so glad to be here and we're so glad to have you be here with us.

Honestly, you guys are like our guinea pigs. We're going to play around with you and see what works and just have a gay old time. Jack, what are some things you want to do on the podcast? Not necessarily even today, but what do you want to do at our party? Because we're going to have a party every week. What do you want to do? The thing I really want to accomplish on this podcast is have like a myriad of games and segments and things because I really want to lean into the party aspect of this podcast.

I want listeners to really engage with us because I feel like we could have a lot of fun with games and interactivity, with listener feedback, and also terrible little quizzes and things that I want to organize. I have too much organized just for this pilot episode. And of course, it's going to take some while for us to find our footing and find our pacing and figure out what makes an episode an episode. But my goal is to really treat this like a party, something that the listener that you guys can really look forward to and kind of play along with us as well.

Because we'll be playing them for the first time as well. I totally agree. I am here for that. Yay. Yay. Can I tell you some of the things I want to do? Go for it. Okay.

Can I read you my list of all of the things that I've written down so far? She has a list. Okay. So obviously we're not going to do them all today. Right. Actually, we're not going to do like any of them today. And that's why you have to stay tuned. But I just want to share with you guys like some of my ideas because I think it could be

a lot of fun. Let's hear it. Okay. If dogs could talk. Love it. I want six seasons of this. I want to rebrand of our podcast. I smell of franchise.

Go on. Wait. How do I patent this? Ah, shit. Just call it. You call it. You call it. No take backsies.

I think that's how it legally works. Sorry. That one's ours. Yeah. Don't know you fucks take it. Okay. Recent Google searches. I like that idea a lot.

You were telling me that before the podcast. On this day in history. Nice. Hot takes. Oh, this is actually. Uh-oh. What I specialize in. That sounds controversial.

Which is just being a contrarian. Right. You very much are contrarian. Yes. I think that's a very accurate label for you and your hot takes. Hot takes and unpopular opinions. That's so you. Oh, you constantly go against the grain.

There was a time where Jack and I were on our honeymoon and I was so unhappy with so many things. I had this grandiose vision. That's right. I'm going to become a blogger. I'm going to blog about everything that I think is overrated. My voice needs to be heard because this is garbage. It turns out that I have another job that I wasn't all that motivated to make that

blog. So that never happened and enter our podcast where I now have an avenue to tell everybody about all the things that I think are overrated and all of my hot takes. You have a channel. I have a channel. I'm so excited. I'm not sure the world is ready for all of your hot takes, but you at least have a voice now.

I would also like to have incel Andy pizza slut. I would also like for them to be guest hosts at some point. Absolutely. I think they're usually shy, but I think I could twist their arms and get them on the show. I would also like to interview them. I think that they would be interesting interviews. Do you follow incel Andy on Twitter?

I may. I think I do. You should. Talk about hot takes. And pizza slut. God bless him. Boy doesn't know anything about politics. What's going on?

He just wants a goddamn slice of pizza and you know, bless him for it. We can get him on for sure. I have a list too. After you, of course, but I have a list of things I would love to run by the listeners and you, of course, but keep going. I would also like to talk about the things that I still don't understand as a, as a woman in her early thirties. Like what?

One, I can't give it away, but two, it's if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop because like it's almost like, like Hank Green, how do those parking garages work? What? Why do you go up one side, but down another and like, it doesn't make any sense. Help me understand like how that it's a full on like, like a Salvador Dali painting. Anyway, anyway, I digress. I'm getting off track. Keep going with that list, baby.

Okay. I want to quiz you. Oh, please. I want to quiz you hard on trivia. Grill me. I want to do a trivia contest. I'm the trivia master. I also, I want to eventually get a hotline.

I want people to call in to us and I want to talk to them. That could be cool. That could be really cool. That would be so fun. Listeners, we are going to figure out this hotline if it kills us so that you can call in with your life advice questions or whatever. I also want to do a career day where we bring in people with like odd jobs or just jobs that you like didn't know existed.

There are so many people, actually most people have jobs that you're like, huh, that's a job. I didn't know that was like, nobody thinks about that stuff. I would love to have a career day where people come in and we interview them and they have like just like strange jobs you've never heard of or you like never thought about that way pop, you know? Cheap pop. Yeah.

I would like to do that. I'm looking forward to the only fans episode. We absolutely should do that. I'm not going to give away any of my other secrets because I have a, I have at least 30 more ideas. Yikes. Okay. But those are some of my, I mean, number one is if dogs could talk.

That takes priority. I would really, really like to do that. Top of the hour. Top of the podcast. Just coming in hot with if dogs could talk. What were those old rascals saying? That's how every episode for the next 100 episodes because it's a real make it or break it moment for our listeners.

Can I tell you some of my ideas? Please. Thank you so much, love. A segment I would love to do. It's less of a game that I've hyped up earlier, but you know, I think we should have a segment called, so what happened in the world today? Because you were explaining this to me just the other night that after work, after long hard days work, you don't really have a lot of time to hop on the social medias.

You're on phone calls all day with your gig. And so often at six, seven or eight PM at night, you come to me, you know, where I'm playing the switch. I got a white claw on me and you're like, so love, what happened in the world today? I missed it. I missed everything. And so I try to recap based on based on what trended on Twitter that day. I try to tell you, give you a summary of that day's events.

And I think that could be a cute little recurring segment. Again, not so much a game, but just something to have what happened in the world today. Another thing I really want to do is a kids bop quiz of the week or maybe it's not every week, but I would love to ask you and our listeners just one simple multiple choice question. It's how those darn kids bop people censored and fixed naughty lyrics in a popular pop song. Jack, do you even know what popular pop songs are these days?

So disrespectful. I see that glimmer in your eye. I knew you were waiting to ask that. Honestly. No, I don't. No, not at all. Not at all. Not at all.

Jack, who is Dua Lipa? Oh, he's fantastic. He's saying live in La Vida, Loka. No, I've been a fan of Dua for years. We go way back. But any who, I want to do a kids bop quiz of the week. In fact, I've written one for today. Oh, no.

Uh-huh. If we get there, of course, I certainly want to have a life advice section where listeners submit questions. I mean, this is before our hotline, but I actually have like 20 questions. I've already pulled up from potential listeners on Twitter and from YouTube. Life advice questions that they want advice from us about. They got problems. We all got problems.

We're not experts, but we'll happily answer your life advice problems. I think that could be cute. And then finally, the stupidest idea I have, the dumbest fucking idea I have for this podcast. Why do I feel like it's, you've got dumber in there. Challenge yourself. You've got dumber ideas in there. Yeah. This isn't your dumbest.

No, it's pretty bad. You can fall deeper. This is pretty bad. It's horoscopes. I want to give you, dear listeners, your horoscopes for the day. Oh, God. And I want to do a whole thing where I've written them in advance and Erin doesn't know what she's about to read.

And I think that could be a lot of fun. They're like, you know, they're horoscopes that we've written in advance. Why can't I write them and then have you read them in advance? Well, did you? Well, not yet. Uh-huh. But you didn't tell me. I did, but that's fine.

You didn't tell me I was supposed to write them. Otherwise I would have. Okay. My apologies. That's my fault. Now you know. Now I know. Now we can continue with your horoscopes for the day.

I'm so excited. Before we go any further, dear Lord. Okay. What do they call it when a pirate takes over a ship? Like that's what I feel like is happening right now. Oh, they call that a mutiny. Because Jackfilm here has just decided he's going to just like, this is my podcast now.

Oh, we're going to read horoscopes since you've decided. I do sound like that. Since you've decided that, I guess I would have liked to contribute. Well, now you know for the next one. And that's why listeners should tune in for the next one too, because Erin will write her own horoscopes for me to read blindly. But for now, I've written a whole bunch for both of us. Oh, so glad.

Okay. Also, let's start off with celebrating. It's cancer season. Hey, there you go. Who doesn't love cancer season? I mean, you're a cancer. I'm a cancer. Yes.

You're a cancer. You're a cancer. You're a cancer. I'm not even kidding. I can't even tell you how many people I feel like it's everybody's birthdays lately. I don't know. I don't know why it feels like, wait, everybody has

birthdays on June 20th, June 21st. It is bizarre. I've noticed that too. We had two birthday parties happen this weekend. That's fair. Yeah. So what does that mean? So go back nine months.

And then two weeks ago, we had another two birthday parties. It's just like birthday party, birthday party, birthday party, birthday. It's your birthday. It's your birthday. It's my birthday on Sunday, the 27th. It's your birthday on Wednesday, the 30th. It's just it's cancer season, people.

A lot of people are busy in September, allegedly. I wonder if they were like just trying to get over the end of summer or something. They were like, how can we celebrate the end of summer? How can we make ourselves feel better? The massive orgy. Yeah. I think so.

We're onto something there. There's something. There's something there. There's something to that. Listeners, please look this up. Please. Your homework for this episode. Why were so many people fucking in September?

Now, I should point out something that we both neglected to mention. Oh, yes. Oh my gosh. One thing we want to do with our podcast is try out a new bottle of wine. Every podcast. And this pilot episode is no exception. Also, not sponsored whatsoever. No.

Nothing is sponsored right now. We paid for this with our own money and we went out to the store and we bought this. So like, this is not sponsored. So that means that we can give 100,000% honest reviews. That's right. That's right. Without fear of pissing off anyone. We are drinking a Sauvignon Blanc from Trader Joe's called Coastal.

It's Trader Joe's brand. I have to warn our listeners. It's pricey. It's pricey. It's $7.99. $7.99? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. This ain't no two-bucked shuck. We will have a hangover tomorrow. Is that what that means? I think so. For an $8 wine? Okay.

Well, now you know. But I've been drinking it. I think it's very smooth. I think it's very sweet. And it reminds me why I do so love Sauvignon Blancs. I will just say that I am not a doctor, but I do believe that Jack suffers from face blindness and also smell blindness and taste blindness. How rude.

So not everything is as on point as you would hope. So hold on. Let me take a sip. For the record, my taste is exceptional. Verdict? Notes? Sometimes when you drink Sauv Blancs, they pinch the back of your tongue. I don't know how else to describe it, but it's like eating like a sour candy almost.

But anyway, this one does not. This one is still tart, but it stays in the front of your mouth. Is that a good thing? Well, that's the thing about wine, Jack. Is that the only good wine is the one that you like. That's the best part about wine. What a boring answer. If you like it, that means it's good.

It doesn't need to be pricey to be good. You'll never be a sommelier. Whatever. What I would say is that for $9, I'm not offended. Not offended. That's at least three out of five stars. Three out of five. Not offensive.

I would say rate out of 10 because I'm just really into decimals and stuff like that. I'm going to give this a six out of 10. Judges? I would say that the highest I've ever rated a Sauv Blanc is eight out of 10 just because that's my personal taste. Take that as you will. That's pretty good then. It's not bad.

I'm not offended. I give it a 10 out of 10 because I think it does what it sets out to do, which is distract you from the troubles of today. To me, that's what a good wine does. Forget taste. 10 out of 10. It's not offensive. When you don't have a prescription, drink wine.

That's right, honey. But drink responsibly. But drink responsibly. And also I'm not a doctor. And my wife's not a doctor. Yes. Though she plays one on TV. But it's only my TV because it's my video camera that's linked with an HDMI cord to the TV.

But it's still me on TV. So that counts. Like a Best Buy. Yeah, like a Best Buy. Remember Best Buy? Oh, Best Buy. I was recently there getting some boring electric equipment and it's still fine. It's thriving.

Everything is still on display. Were there as many sales reps walking around the floor? Like what was the scene? The scene was busy enough that I had someone help me, you know, get this item, get that item. Were they socially distanced? Were they socially distanced? We were masked. This was before the June 15th.

California. Mandate was lifted. Yes, thank you. So everyone was still masked, including myself. Yeah, they were socially distanced. But we were all like, we knew. We knew. I looked them in the eye.

We knew. And honey, I just remembered. I'm so sorry. This structure is already non-existent. But I just remembered another bit I want to do with you. Okay. With us. What?

It's called Erin Tries Her Best. Aww. Where I give you... She does try her best. Where I give you like a TV show or a video game character or something like way out of your depth, way outside of your comfort zone. And I ask you to name it, give it a backstory. Like I show her like, for example, something that maybe I'll do tonight.

I don't know. I'll show her the brand new fighter added to Smash Brothers Ultimate for the switch. And I go, honey, who's this? What's this person's name? What's their backstory? Wait, didn't you already do that? Like did I already... His name is Jack Skellington.

Baby man. I did do that like years ago, but they're still adding new fighters. No, they're not. There's no more fighters to add. That's the beauty of Smash Bros. They're never done. There is no beauty of Smash Brothers. That game sucks.

E3 came and went. What does E3 stand for again, honey? What are those three E's stand for? Excellent. Uh-huh. Important, Erin. That's right. Excellent.

What else begins with the letter E? Email. No. No, it does not start... No, it does not stand for that. It stands for excellent ethical executives, which don't exist. Boom. Oxymoron, if I ever heard one, slam dunk, roasted.

But no, that is what E3 stands for. Well, it came and went. And with it, Nintendo announced all sorts of things, including the latest fighter to be added to the Smash Brothers Ultimate roster. Honey, I want to show you a picture of the latest fighter to be added to Nintendo's Smash Brothers Ultimate, a game that you love nearly and dearly to your heart. It's the worst game I've ever played. She loves this game.

She won't shut up about it. Dear listeners, I am showing Erin a picture of the fighter Kizuya from the Tekken franchise, the latest addition to the Smash Brothers Ultimate roster. Honey, tell me, who is this? What's his name? Okay, this is what I'm seeing. I am looking at a picture of someone, they're very muscular, and they're not wearing a shirt. They are wearing red gloves with metal spikes on the gloves.

They're wearing white, loose-fitting pants with a purple belt, and their white pants have what look to be like purple flames on them. They are barefoot. This person has very pointy, spiky eyebrows. Oh, there seems to be a scar on their face. There's a scar under their eye. Maybe even two scars. The way that he's positioned might show that the scar is on both sides, but-

Perhaps that's a clue to his name. There's also a red eye. Fleaky. Okay. Their hair is very reminiscent of pop stars, girl-band pop stars in the very early 2000s. Can I see? Yeah. It looks like it's been blow-dried out to swoop out.

I can actually see that. Okay, this person is a Muay Thai fighter. Specific. I like it. Yeah, they cheat because they have metal spikes on their hands. That doesn't seem fair. That's cheating. That doesn't seem fair, does it?

Full-on cheating. With the scar on his face, which is like scar face, and the metal spikes. I'm just going to say this guy is a full-on criminal because- Whoa, hot take. He's breaking laws, playing unfairly. Also, he had bad Botox, and his face is like the spiky eyebrows. Oh, no, the ultimate crime. Yeah, the ultimate crime.

Nothing indicates bad Botox more than those spiky eyebrows. I am going to call this man. His name is capitalism. Capitalism personified? Yeah, because he has bad Botox. He plays unfairly, and- Oh, wow. Wow, that is a layered answer.

Oh, now it makes sense. He plays unfairly. He has bad Botox. He's obviously not human because he has red eyes, just like a full-on executive capitalist. You can always see him by the red eyes. I call this man capitalism. That's what I call him. Honey, you are correct.

His name is capitalism. Oh, my God, I got right. Well done. We wouldn't have been funny. Oh, before I reveal how wrong you are, I also want to ask this gentleman is also from a popular video game franchise. Can you name that video game franchise? Mortal Kombat.

No, it's not. It's not. Okay, wait. Can I guess again? Sure. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because he's a ninja. No. Okay.

Wait, can I guess again? Sure. Wall Street 2 featuring Shia LaBeouf. The video game franchise? Sims. Sims. Sims. Sims.

Okay, your final guess is Sims. Wait, no, no, not my final guess. Wait, let me guess again. You'll never get it. Yeah, it's Sims. It's Sims. Okay. So.

Wait, he was the one that burned down the house that made the children ghosts that haunt the yard. Right. That was, yeah. That's him. Yeah. So the fighter's name is Kazooia. I was close.

You were close with the cuh. The video game franchise he is from is Tekken. Have you ever heard of Tekken? No, I feel like you were setting me up for failure. Of course I never heard of Tekken. Oh, I absolutely was. I wouldn't give you this character if there is any chance you get any aspect of him correct. Of course I wouldn't get Tekken.

Just like capitalism, by the way, set me up for failure. So there you go. That's called Aaron Trieser best. Wait, I don't get more. I want more. No, I just said it's one and done. I want more. Well, tune in next week and maybe you'll get more.

I feel like I was getting closer. I have other like things to quiz you on and such. I'm sure you have things that you want to ask me or do separately. This is your show as well as mine. Yeah, Jack. What would the dogs have said to you if they could talk, Jack? They would say, dude, I fucking know Tekken. That's what our dogs would say.

Okay, for real though, like, would I like Tekken? No, not at all. It's a very, it's a technical fighter like supercomplex. No, no, no, no. I couldn't even play ukulele. Yeah. I used to hand you the remote. I was like, can you just pass this part for me?

You're such a grandma. What else is it called? It is the remote, dude. What else is it called? You beat the baddies. There's confounded video contraption. What is it called? A controller.

Not a remote. You're the mom that calls every console in Nintendo. I do call. What is the thing I call? Beat Saber. I always was like, oh my. This is real. She calls Beat Saber guitar hero unironically.

It's not even a joke. She literally can't remember the name Beat Saber. So she's like, honey, I'll be right back. I'm going to go play guitar hero. And this is like not even, it's not our little inside joke. She literally can't remember the name. Oh my God. So the closest approximation she can summon in her mind is guitar hero.

I have to tell you. I, oh, it was not that long ago that I was young. I was. No, honey. That ship sailed like a decade ago. But it wasn't that long ago. Oh my gosh. I'm sold.

I've become one of those. I've become one of those. One of those. I've become one of those. You've become old. Yeah. I don't know when it happened, but it did. Honey, I have a question for you.

Yes. What happened in the world today? Wait, I ask you that question. Oh yeah. Right. What happened in the world today? I don't know. I have no idea.

Wonderful news. Everyone's favorite Sonic the Hedgehog turned 30 today. Sonic is younger than me. Sonic is younger than us, but he turned a milestone birthday. That means he can fuck whatever he wants. No, hold on. Stop. That doesn't seem right.

Sonic's 30. Dirty 30. Oh my gosh. He's in the 30 club. I remember playing Sonic the Hedgehog on family road trips, and we played it on our Sega Game Gear, which I'm pretty sure took like six AA batteries. It was a battery monster. Yeah.

I'm not kidding. Six AA batteries maybe lasted like an hour, two hours tops. Incredible. What was the Sonic game? It was just like... Like you're just collecting those rings and there's like... It's like that was it. It was like, what's the game exactly?

Sorry, no offense to Sonic the Hedgehog. Please don't cancel me. Sega will never sponsor us now. Thanks for that. I know, but like, why did we spend so much time just collecting the... It was like a slot machine. What are you actually doing? That's absolutely why.

No, oh my gosh. Like slot machines. I can't believe that is younger than me. Yeah. I was like five, six playing Sonic the Hedgehog. You were five, six. You were a tall kid. Wow.

I didn't even realize Sonic was like a newborn at that time, you know? I was a tall kid, but not that tall, but like... You weren't five, six at seven? Wow, that was so funny. We never had a Sega Genesis or a Game Gear. We were strictly an Nintendo household. You literally just said Game Gear. Game Gear?

No, I said Game Gear. No, you said Game Gear. I said Game Gear. Game Gear. We didn't have that either. Game Gear. We couldn't afford no Game Gear. Yeah, okay.

Even though you had like all of the consoles. We didn't. We had an NES and an N64 and then we jumped up to a PS2. It was quite the Marriott. We didn't have a PS2. Check your privilege. Did you have a GameCube though? Nope.

Ew. Some of us actually played like intramural sports, okay? Some of us had like... What console is that on? I got jokes, ladies and gentlemen. No, I didn't. I didn't do sports. I was not a sports kid.

I tried track. Oh, I got kicked off. I didn't make the tennis team, but I was on track. Dude, they let everybody on the tennis team. Everybody makes the tennis team because there aren't even enough kids that want to play tennis. You got kicked. Oh my God. They didn't let you on the tennis team.

Didn't even make the tennis team. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Did you cry when you didn't make the tennis team? I did not, but I was upset. Like how upset? Pretty upset.

You know what? I guess not terribly. I guess if I were more upset, I would have cried, but I think it was just one of those, what the hell? I'll try it. And if I don't make it, oh, well, more time to do homework. Oh, wow. Glimpse into the life of Jack film.

Yeah. More time to do homework. Dark time. I guess. Very dark time. Yeah, sir. Uh-huh. I mean, I was a band geek kid.

So, you know, I didn't have a lot going for me socially, but man, did I plow through that homework? She's giving me the best look right now, listeners. It's incredible. Just daggers and confusion and a little bit of anguish. I literally can't even wrap my mind around that mentality. Well, wrap it. I used to tell my parents that I did my homework and then, because I needed to do my homework,

but I hadn't done it. I just wanted to talk on AOL Insta Messenger with my friends, which I would stay up until like midnight doing, but I hadn't done my homework. So I would turn off the lights in my bedroom and I would have a flashlight under my covers and I would do my homework under the covers just to get it done because I didn't want to do it early in the night because I had friends to talk to. I had chats to have. All right.

I'm sorry. That image is very funny to me because it's the polar opposite of virtually every other child growing up in suburbia. They weren't doing their homework under the covers with a flashlight. They were like playing Game Boy or something. Well, I was on AOL Insta Messenger with my friends and I was on it all day long. What was your away message? Do you remember?

Oh my gosh. I had so many. What was your username? What was your away message? Okay. So my. What's your social security? My first username was hugs and kisses 11.

That's awful. My high school username was the better brunette. Oh, you really grew up. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was very mature for my age and my away message would always be some kind of passive aggressive quote. Of course.

Yeah. Of course. But a lot of times I would put my away message on just to like see if people would like message me while it was away. Yeah. Like it was almost like a way of pretending you were like hard to get, you know, like, oh, I'm hard to get. I'm away right now, even though I'm not actually away, but.

Right. It was, it was a status thing. Oh my God. The last away message I remember having was in college and I was being passive aggressive with my boyfriend at the time as one does and I, it was a quote from Wicked and it was from a song Defying Gravity and it was, well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost. So passive aggressive.

Oh, that's awful. Good, good one. I'm sure he really got the message. Sure. He really stuck it to him. Oh, I ended up marrying him for the record listeners. That is not true. Very much not true.

We didn't know each other until well after our college years. Well after like a whole three years. That's right. That's right. We were grown adults by then. We knew the world and the world knew us. We were super, super, you know, aware of who we were as people at that point. Right.

Oh, flawless. Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. So you didn't make the tennis team. Right. I'm so sorry about that. I'm sure it was their loss.

The doubt really stayed. Like that hurts more than any insult. God damn listeners, I may have to take a break. But yeah, I guess I feel a little shamed by you that you're like, oh, he does their homework under the cameras at night. Go ahead. I hope you are. Children who have ADD and need to socialize with their friends on the internet.

Okay. Also, Jack, were there any other activities that you never made in high school, middle school? Like what was another? Failure. Failure. That way I can just make fun of you for it. No, that was it.

That was my only failure in life growing up. That was the only failure that you had in life. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. That was it. Yeah.

I had a very. Have you ever asked somebody to prom or on a date that they turned you down? There's not enough wine in the room for that. That's a good question. Oh, I've definitely, I feel like I've been turned down on dates at the very least. For sure. Do you remember them? Were there any specific ones?

Dating dates certainly never happened. Oh no. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Really? I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this one time. Okay.

I must have been in high school. I went to the movies with some girl. I forget how we met. Was it AOL? It was something. I don't know. But we went to the movies at the end of the movie. We were leaving the theater and I realized, oh no, I can't find my phone.

By the way, it was like my emergency family phone. It was like these big. Only dialed 9-1-1 and your family is like mine? Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't use it for texting or anything like that and it wasn't a flip phone. It was just like this big chunker of a phone and I was like, I'm sorry, can we go back

to the theater? I need to find this phone. And I think I spent like, I spent like 15 fucking minutes trying to find this phone. It was not good. I hope you accused her of stealing it. No. Oh no. That never crossed my mind.

I somehow found it. But it was so, the whole thing was so awkward. Like this poor girl, I think she like used the flashlight on her phone or something like the screen. I don't even know if phones had flashlights back then. No, they didn't. No, no way. Right?

No. But yeah. That was like 2012. It was one of those like she totally ghosted me after I brought up the notion of like second date. Hell no. So that was one example and there are countless others. Damn.

Countless. I think that she already didn't want a second date or it was probably, it was because you wanted to go look for that phone. No, the phone thing's a really good story, but like it's if you know, you know, if I know, yeah, if you want to go, yeah. No, what I was going to say is that if you know, you know, with Jags films is the nervousest Nellie of all times, very nervous Nellie, very nervous Nellie. So I can imagine like you having lost your phone and you just being, I lost my phone,

I'm getting in trouble. I'm going to lose my phone up just her being like already, like maybe not into it. And then like, oh my God. And then, and then magnify this by 20 because I'm a high school, you know, kid. Right. So like any nervousness I feel now, which already that would give me anxiety, multiply that by a factor of 10. And yeah, yeah, no second date.

That's what that equation equals. Let me give an example of a time. The first time I think I saw Jack as the nervousest Nellie that he is. We had just started dating and we visited your college campus. Oh, I know where this is going. And Jack was showing me, you know, he had this class in here and this class in here. Right. This class is here.

And this is American University in Washington, D.C. for those who care. Yes. He had shown me where he lived his freshman year of college. And I was like, well, let's go in. He was like, we can't go in. We're not students. And I was like, well, they just went in and it looked like it was pretty easy for them. So let's just go in.

And he's like, no, we can't. And I was like, come on, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go. That's not a little loud. Yeah. Such a loser. Literally, we just walked right in. Potentially they've updated security measures, but at the time we just walked right into this dormitory.

And then five minutes later, the SWAT team was on the campus. No, no, no, no. We walk right into this dorm and I'm like, well, show me where your dorm was. Jack had already been telling me all of these stories about like dorm parties that he had. Yeah, roommates, all that. And friends that he had made in the dorm. And I wanted to see, I'm like, well, it was easy enough to get in. So show me where it all happened.

I want to see it. So Jack took me to where his old dorm was and I was like, let's knock. That was when he pulled the plug on me. He was like, no, no, no, no, we're not, we're not doing or knocking. And I was like, oh, come on, they're right. Like we can just say we used to live here. I just want to see your room, like whatever. Wee.

Wee. Uh-uh. I would have been your real estate representative. Whatever. I would have been like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Sorry to trouble you, ma'am, but this is a very special place for us. That was the first time that I saw Jack's films be the nervous Nellie that he was, even

though it was super easy to get in and gain access and we just like could have knocked on the door. I don't know. Was that 2013? That was 2013, yeah. Damn. Coming up on 10 years. Excuse you.

Uh-huh. Excuse you. I mean, we are. Don't make me older than I already am. A decade, I say. Also things that happened in the world today on a much smaller scale. This is so trivial, but I did want to ask you this. I wrote this down because I was very curious.

They announced a new Transformers movie, one of those live-action CGI disasters. Exactly. I don't even want to like have you guess what the title is. It doesn't matter. I want you to guess how many Transformers movies. Wait, I do want to guess. I want to guess. I want to guess.

Can you read to me the first, what number is this? Well, that was the question I was going to ask you. How many Transformers movies? Okay, we'll start there. Let's start there. Okay. By the way, I've only seen the first one. Have you seen even that?

Okay, well you already gave, okay, spoiler alert, there's one. There's one. Ah, damn. I gave that one away. No. It's not like I'm a mega fan of the, like no, I saw the first one like forever ago and then I skipped the other blank. So how many Transformers movies?

Not including the one they just announced are there. Okay. So I never even made it through the first one. Oh, but you tried? I tried, I fell asleep. That is you. That's classic. I do tend to fall asleep during boring movies.

So I'm going to guess this is number five. The one coming out is number five. The one coming out is number five. I'm going to guess that one coming out is number five. Okay. Judges. No. This is the seventh movie.

No, it's not coming out. Was Shia and all of them? No. Was Megan Fox and all of them? No. Was Michael Bay the director of all of them? I don't think so. I don't think so, but I wouldn't bet my life on it.

So yeah, there were like three of them with Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. I think there was like an original trilogy. And then they did like kind of a soft reboot with Mark Wahlberg for the fourth one. Then I think they made another one with Mark Wahlberg for a fifth one. And then they did like this whole fucking thing with Bumblebee. Mark Wahlberg? Yeah. Yeah.

Marky Mark. Amazing. Okay. Yeah. I had no idea. Yeah. And I didn't see any of them. I just kind of like, I don't know.

Is the rock in any of them? He would be very at home in that franchise. Well, maybe he's in the new one. Maybe he voices a fucking robot. Because there are so many of them, I'm now thinking, it's basically Fast and the Furious at this point. Yes, exactly. And by the way, what number are they on now for Fast and Furious?

Do you know this one? Seven. Ten. Nine. Nine. Oh my gosh. F9. I got to tell you that I've never seen a full Transformers movie.

I tried it. I fell asleep at the part where like the car came alive, Bumblebee came alive and I was out. Beautiful moment. And Fast and Furious. I have never seen a single Fast and the Furious movie. Put it there, babe. Who?

Who are you? Who are you people watching these movies? Do you listen to Joe Rogan's podcast? Oh, Jesus. Who are you? What are you doing? I don't necessarily think it's that. I don't think that's a fair comparison.

I think the Fast and Furious movies, not that I've seen them, I think they're just dumb, loud, fun. I don't think it's Joe Rogan Rose watching these movies. Have you ever seen a Fast and the Furious movie? No, I have not. You haven't seen a single one? Not a one. Who are these people?

It's like TikTok followers. Like you have, how did you get a million followers overnight? Who are these people? Or like tens of millions of followers. Who are those people? Who are these people? Yeah. Who are these people that are watching these movies?

I would like to know. Please. Honestly, I can't wait for us to get a hotline because I need to know. Oh, this is why we need a hotline. This is why we need a hotline. Shit. You're honest. I need to know.

You know what? Who? That's a good idea. Yes, exactly. I'm sold. Who is it that are watching? We're going to get the angriest collars saying like, fuck you. I grew up on these movies with my brother.

That's okay. I'm okay with that. I'll be like, come on. Let's go. They taught me how to drive. I do feel living. Do you have a job that people don't know exists? Like, come on.

Let's go. It's career day. I can't wait. I honestly can't wait. That'll be our first hotline section. Oh my God. It's people who've seen the best and furious movies. Who are you?

And I listened to Joe Rogan. I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding. I would love that. By the way, the other day in LA, Jack showed me on Twitter, but the other day in LA, somebody paid a skyrider. No hate. I'm just stating the fact.

You're stating the true story. Somebody paid a skyrider to write, Joe Rogan is literally five foot three in the sky. I spent no less than one hour continuing to research how tall is Joe Rogan on the internet? And that's something that you guys need to know. Karen goes into black holes and vortexes of research, hours lost, days lost, just to find the most trivial shit about the most trivial people. Because when she latches on to a person or concept, she will not let go until she is an expert on the subject.

Or at least, you know, a casual expert. No, a scholarly expert. I know enough to be dangerous. That is what. Which makes you an expert. Yeah. Enough to be dangerous. So don't.

What I'm saying listeners is don't get on her bad side. She will find you on the dark web and she will ruin you. I love threats. What else do we got on my list of things to talk about? Here's the thing. Honey, you know that I love all things tech. I'm a tech boy. I'm a gadget boy.

I'm an electronics nerd. I love it all. But you love it wrong, by the way, because you're an android person. Yeah. Here you go. Yeah. I'm an iPhone user. I'm an android.

We need a sitcom. Forget a podcast. We need a long running sitcom. But I wanted to ask you, we don't have it yet, but you know, the hot thing right now, one of the hot things right now is the PlayStation 5, which I recently saw in person. I hadn't yet. And I finally saw the sheer size of this console. I can't really do it justice talking about it, but it's ridiculously big.

Would you ever want a PlayStation 5? First up there, impossibly hard to get right now. There's a severe shortage of them. Yeah. I'm pretty sure still. Yeah. Didn't it come out in December? Yeah.

It did. But they're still annoyingly hard to get. Every time stores restock them, they're sold out in minutes. And plus, they're enormous. They are absolutely enormous. I wanted to ask you, like, would you even want, where we put it, where we put ours, would you ever want that? The controller's kind of cool.

No. I doubt it. No. Do you know anything about the controller? How much does this thing cost? Oh, man. 400? I'm not entirely sure.

I haven't checked prices in a long time. Isn't that what we paid for our PS4? How much is a PlayStation 5? I just asked our Google person. Okay. So, Walmart has them for $1,300. Stop it. Are you for real?

I could buy an iPad for less than that. Holy shit. That can't be right. That's got to be like some weird shortage thing. Like, okay. So when they launched in November, they started at $3.99. Oh, that was for the digital only. Oh, so an actual one that takes discs is $4.99, so $500 for like the one that takes actual

discs. Can I play PS5 games on my PS4? Yes, if they specifically make it for the PS4. How many games are made for the PS5? So far? Not a lot. Why would I spend not only my money, but time is money? So why would I spend my time when I could be doing something more valuable, searching

for a PS5 when I have plenty of entertainment at my fingertips with other consoles when also like what? No. No. No. No. Listeners, I'm doing nothing. No.

It's not worth it. No. Okay. Absolutely not. And I'd be mad. I would be mad at you. Oh, I wouldn't know where to put it. Not only would I be mad if you bought it, I'd be mad if you spent time looking for it.

I would be mad. I don't want it. I don't want it. There's no killer app yet. We don't have anywhere to put it that fits because by the way, spoiler alert, and also are we sponsored by Sony at all in any of your things? I think we're safe. Okay.

Our current PS4, dude, that thing sounds like a helicopter sometimes. Well. And we're not even doing anything when we have it in the cabinet. I can only imagine what this PS5 could sound like. Like there's actually supposed to be quiet. It doesn't matter. The PS4 turbo that we got was supposed to be quiet. Oh, they made no such claim.

They never said that. It was supposed to be quiet. In what world? The reason that we got the PS4, which is the PS3 would overheat all the time. Oh, that's actually funny. We got the PS4 turbo because the PS3 would overheat all the time. And then we got the PS4. And now that thing is so loud.

It literally sounds like the washing machine, even with the cabinets closed, the PS5, oh, it's supposed to be quiet. Oh, I bet just like the PS4 turbo is supposed to be quiet. And no, no, no, no, no, no, it's bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I'm tired of the bullshit. Hey, listeners, let us know what your favorite PS4 turbo games are. From the best console of this generation, the PS4 turbo TM copy. What is it called?

What's it called? It's PS4 Pro. Pro? Yeah. Everything's pro now. No, no, no. They like, they like hawked that it had this like tri-glycidimoride. I don't even know what the fuck you're saying.

Absolutely not. Tri-glycidimoride. Okay. Storage. What is it? Oh my God, you're fucking trying to say the word terabyte. Oh, can you say that again? I'm sorry.

I didn't know, I tuned out because I didn't know what you were saying, but now I'm tuned back in because you were literally trying to think of the word terabyte instead. What was that again, just for our listeners? Tri-glycidimoride. Jesus Christ. No. Wow. So the PS4 turbo has 18 tri-glycidimorides of memory.

So why bother getting a PS5 pro when the PS4 pro just has so many tri-glycidimorides? I stutter every time I try to say that. That's so much harder than terabyte. Oh my God. The mental gymnastics your brain goes through. It's the same thing. You knew exactly what I was saying. Well, it took me a few, like I said, I did tune out until I knew the context of the word

you were saying. That was beautiful. Oh my God. So yeah, your tech news straight from air, you guys, every week. Okay. All right. So the next thing is probably going to sound like a helicopter. The bigger the console, the bigger the fan.

It's big, man. Yeah, the bigger the console, the bigger the fan, the louder the noise. So I've heard a helicopter over my house every day for the last 7,000 days. And I can tell you that shit is loud. Okay. We do be having a lot of work after this. And I gotta tell you, I own a PS4 pro turbo. Thank you.

And that thing is a turbo fan inside of it. It's a turbo fan. Exactly like a helicopter. And I can only imagine that the PS5 turbo thing also probably maybe sounds like a helicopter. But honey, the turbo fan makes the graphics color. So yeah, take away the PS5 turbo triceratops is very big and very loud. Maybe it's loud. All right.

I'm going to switch gears entirely with our next segment. You're a horoscope of the day. Oh my God. That's right. We have some horoscopes. I don't have all 12. That's going to drag. I'm not going to read all 12.

So it's like six. I think it's six. Six. Cancers, your horoscope today is you will be given the nuclear codes. And they are 45, 82, 92, 3. Have fun. Leo, the lion. If you will.

You will come into a large sum of money today, but then you're going to spend it all on shoes. You stupid bitch. Virgos. All my Virgos out there. Your horoscope today is your P is going to be a little redder than usual today, but don't be alarmed. It's just your spinal fluid. TikTok says it grows back.

Libra, a child with a snake tattoo will ask you three riddles. I can hate you. Do not answer any of them. It's a trick. Wow. Very specific. All right. I will look out for those, uh, those snake tattoo children.

Thank you, honey. Okay. I have one for the Scorpios out there. Scorpios. Listen up. It's your horoscope. You're going to feel very bloated today. That's it.

You're just going to have a big bloat day. Sorry. Sagittarius. Do you remember Colleen from middle school? The one really into horses. Uh-huh. Well, she just had the ugliest baby. Erin, that's awful.

That's so. That's awful. I want to see that ugly baby. Horse girls deserve better. Okay. No, they don't. I feel like they. No, they don't.

I think they were like onto something. Yeah. Horse therapy is a thing. Like horses speak to us. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. They're just these giant creatures. Remember the horses that we, remember the horses that we like.

Oh, in Ireland? Yeah. They like, they were so big and massive. I was terrified of them, but they just wanted to hang out and they were like puppies. I remember that. They were like, do you have food? Can. They were just, they were very puppy like creatures.

And they were just roaming the yard at all times and they were so big. And so every time they like approached us, I was terrified because they were like five times my size, but they were just. Oh, it was so intimidating having a giant horse like from across the field trot to you. Yeah. That was scary. It's terrifying. And only you, they single you out because you don't know what that horse is going to

do. They know, they know you have apples. And they were giant, gentle creatures. It was still very intimidating. Like it's, it's basically a heavy piece of machinery coming at you. Even, even. That's cognizant. Yeah.

And they're like, even when they would like eat them out of your hand. Oh, that was scary. I was a gamble. Oh my God, their jaws are huge. You could lose that hand in any minute. Oh my gosh. Finger. You're done for.

Anyway, so the horse girls deserve better. They were onto something. I won't go that far. Capricorns. I have your horoscope today. Capricorns. Get this. A girl with no eyes and no nose will pop out of your closet tonight.

She will tell you your real horoscope. Pretty cool. All right, guys. This is it. Drink up chug. All right. Because if you are an Aquarius, you're in for it. You're going to look really good today.

So if you see any Scorpios, please make fun of how blow did they look? That's terrible. They're having a heavy bloat day. They're having a heavy bloat day. I don't know why you'd bring that back. That seems kind of cruel and bullying. So that's horoscope. So next time.

So like you. So next time for horoscopes, you write some. I write some. And then we blindly read each other's. Yeah. How's that sound? Yeah, I can't wait to. I think that could be a lot of fun.

Do cancer season right. Yeah, there you go. Cancer season. It's here. Damn right, babe. Damn right. Guys, I can't wait. Next episode, please look forward to if dogs could talk.

Jack. 90 minutes. Screaming into the abyss. Speculating on what all canines would say in all circumstances. She will exhaust all factors and possibilities. Would they be part of, you know. Are we going to say QAnon? Sure.

Would they be part of QAnon? Who are they voting for? What do they believe in? Are they vegan? Just so what else knows, we are not pro QAnon at all. Quite the opposite. Speak for yourself. Fuck you.

That was a joke. That was a joke. We're going to have 90 minutes of if dogs could talk. We're going to do show and tell. Not that you will be able to see it because it's show. We will show and we will tell. But we will do the telling at least. We're going to do at least seven different.

Which sex in the city characters are you? Hisses. Never mind. I'm going to host next week. This sounds awful. We are going to have a fun party. We're bringing the pinata. We're going to crush it.

Literally. When you tell people you're going to have a fun party, that always works. We are going to have a fun party. You sound like an HR lady. Yeah. We're going to have a fun party. Come to our party. Tune in.

Tune in. I'm a fan. Wow. Whatever you're selling, I'm buying. Remember that time we went to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida? No. And the line was so long. I don't remember that.

For a Spider-Man ride that they had a fucking DJ. I've never been on that ride. Oh, okay. You know what? That was with my other broad. Got you. Got you. You called them a broad, makes me positive.

There was never, never another woman involved, ever. Oh, no, man. I had my fun. Are you hung over yet from the wine? Yeah. No, because this is not too much. As we stated, this is. It's nine buckchuck.

This is, well, it's $7.99. Oh, eight buckchuck. It's eight buckchuck from Trader Joe's. Not sponsored. Not sponsored. Can you imagine if like, well, this episode is brought to you by Trader Joe's. Oh my gosh. I would do it.

$8. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm laughing because it's like $8. You know, and that's nothing to scoff at, mind you. I mean, I honestly, I have no snob. Obviously, I quite enjoyed this. That was a good bottle. I can't wait for the next one. Can't wait to have my hangover.

By the way, I will update you guys on Twitter if we have a hangover tomorrow. Yes. As will I. Please, please ask. I think it's time to sign off now. We should have a nice, a fun little sign off segment. Leave your comments in the comments below. What?

No, honestly, though, hit us up about that hotline. If you have any, yeah, we really do want a hotline. Aaron wants a hotline. I really want a hotline. I want to thank our guest today, Aaron, who has, I guess she's proven she's a funny one. I don't know about the funny one. And I guess I want to thank my other guest, Jack here. Oh, thank you.

Who brought a very nice bottle of wine for us to enjoy. Yeah, that's right. He went out of his way and he spent a lot of his earned money on that investment that $8. A nice gift that he drank most of it. So as most guests do, but he was, he was, he was, you know, he was. So thank you, Jack, for being you. You're welcome.

Thank you. Aaron is the funny one. You're welcome. And this was a pleasure. This has been our show listeners. Thank you so much for tuning in. We know you have a lot of choices when it comes to podcasts, but please tune into ours because who knows what next makes them feel like.

Well, we already told them it's going to be if dogs could talk. So. Well, color me excited. Well, that's it for this week, everyone. Thank you for hanging out. Can't wait to talk to you guys next week and be good, everybody.