Escaping the Drift with John Gafford - How to Win Friends and Stop Being a Blowhard EP 23

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

Learn and burn Entrepreneurship from serial entrepreneur John Gafford and his band of mayhem makers. From stripper poles to the oval office, business lessons are everywhere. This Week:John comes to the self realization that in stressful moments he tends to be a blowhard, so the guys unpack the classic book "How to win Friends and influence people"With Chris Connell and Colt Amidan

from the art of the deal to keeping it real live from the simply vegas studios it's the power move with john gafford back again back again back again for another episode of the power move sorry we got a little bit let's start yeah i'm john gaff. I'm your host with me as always. Green Bubble Amidon. Colt Green Bubble Amidon. Green Bubble? Green Bubble Amidon. And Chris

Connell, counselor, who finally got in the chair after he was in talking to our media guy, Stu, having a debate about pyramids. So I'm like, dude, Pyramid Talk records on Thursday. It's like, not today. Pyramids are amazing today what's your favorite pyramid let's do it top three pyramids we have the the red pyramid built by him how tap

we have the great pyramids of giza And then we have PXE Realty Okay Alright The thoughts and comments Of Chris Scott Oscar Do not reflect The thoughts and comments Of John Chapman That we would not talk about

Pyramids If you work for PXE Realty Holla Give me a holla It's not really a thing Okay That's a good point

I think they got your point What point? They got your point But guys It's funny All a thing. That's a good point. I think they got your point. What point? They got your point. But guys, it's funny. All views on Chris Connell are parody. Parody. Three pyramid schemes of all time. Bernie's number one.

Brie X. Brie X. I don't know if you remember that, but they found plugs of gold and sold the shit of them. I'll say Nexus. Enron. Oh, Enron. It's Enron. Enron. Enron crushed. Yeah. Like. Yeah. that where they found plugs of gold and sold the shit at them i'll say nexus and run oh and run and run and run crushed yeah like yeah and run world world com would be up there world content bernie ebers really did a number on them but enron still we changed how we do

business oh yeah we did we overlooked that made off was probably almost more of a pure pyramid yeah because it was – He took away – It was just give to me and then – Yeah, that was like personal people, but Enron, corporations, everything. Well, guys, I have a fascinating show that we're going to talk about today because I had a self-realization this weekend not to go – I mean, obviously, that was a great opening, but we're going to get a little serious here for a second

because, you know, man, I think if we're not being honest here, then what are we doing? So the goal here with the show, is to educate and entertain but also i think that we got to be honest as we go through this so me and the wife are sitting home this weekend and we're kind of flipping through and we're seeing people at all these different parties and seeing people at different events and it kind of kind of rang true we're like we don't get invited to a lot of stuff we don't get it we just don't and uh you know this is this is not a feel sorry i'm not looking for no no no no i don't get invited to a lot of stuff and uh we as a group don't get about it

so we're sitting out in front uh handing out candy because our kids don't even want to say more they went off their friends so we're sitting out front doing the oh look at you you little cute goblin and gold whatever it is as we're looking at it as we're looking no i think i think we had some wine. I think that's what we were. And yeah, but we're sitting out front watching this. And we start, you know, whenever there's an issue in my life, I like to pull the thumb instead of point the finger.

I always like to go self-introspective on things. And I started kind of thinking about me in general. And she was talking about her. And we were kind of going through. And I realized something. And here's what it is. For most of the time, I kind of exist in a little bubble. Here in my little Simply Vegas world, I know all my Simply Vegas folks. We have all our Simply Vegas family. I have that little bubble that exists, right? There's my little bubble. But then, I go out and I try to meet new people. And I realized that I have a problem.

Here's my problem. No, no, no. Here's my problem. And this is dead serious, which is I have become an incredible blowhard. Here's what I mean by that. And what I mean by that is I have, it is a, it is a, it is a defensive action. It is a reflex that I have that for some reason, I innately have just, you know, and I don't do it consciously, but I've decided that I need to justify why people should like me by throwing out a bunch of bullshit. And it's not bullshit. It's

like, but I, you know, I find myself trying to work things I have into the conversation, people I know into the conversation, life experience about the conversation. I find myself trying to work things I have into the conversation, people I know into the conversation, life experience about the conversation. I find myself trying to work that shit in, and I think it's incredibly transparent to other people. I think people probably sometimes walk away from me like, ah, fucking guy. Like he's just too much to say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I actually said on an episode not too long ago, I have a tendency to dominate a conversation. That's a problem. And so I've got that on one not too long ago, I have a tendency to dominate a conversation. That's a problem. And so I've got that on one side of it, like with me and my wife as a couple. And then I got my wife who's very reserved. She's very introverted. She's not a very outgoing person.

But my wife is- I feel like this is an intervention I'm about to be personally- No, you're not. No, you're not. Hey, man, you deal with your own demons. No, no, no. You deal with-

Is this about me, John? No, you deal with your own demons. I'm just telling you what I got to with myself is what I got to. No, I deal with your own demons. No, no, no. You deal with your own demons. I'm just telling you what I got to with myself is what I got to. So I'm talking to my wife and I'm like, you know, you need to, you know, I'm not saying she's saying I need to do this because my wife is very attractive. And again, that's not a blowhard thing. She is. It's obvious.

But when you're introverted and you're attractive, it's bitch. It's what she kind of gets sometimes. Cause she's like, I don't understand. Like, like we have friend sets in other parts of the world where I have, I have a lot of friends in like guy sets and like the wives are maybe nice to her, but not really. You know what I mean? They don't really let her into the, you don't feel like you're in the click, right? You don't feel like you're getting in the click.

And the point, hang on, hear me all the way out. So we kind of decided jointly as a couple when we're out, I need to turn it way down and she needs to turn it way up. So we balance each other out somewhere in the middle. And part of that little exploration as we had this conversation, because me and my wife are very honest with each other, and we went through this. I'm like, you know, we need to revisit, uh, Dale Carnegie's how to win friends and influence people. That is

the Bible for this problem. I mean, if you are having a problem where you feel like you're not connecting with people, people aren't connecting with you read this book. So what I wanted to do today is I wanted to run through some highlights from it and talk about them, but you're dying to say something. Oh yeah. No, because I find it it's so funny. I brought up a couple of things. First off, absolutely Dale Kearney, phenomenal, amazing. But I was actually thinking about this the other day as well, about you and Gidget. Yeah, no, go ahead. Judge away.

Dude, I put myself on the platter. Judge away. But there's a lot of times when Caitlin and I would be like, well, we'd invite John and Gidget, but you also don't want to be like constantly bothering people so sometimes you may be being a little hard on yourself no no no no no i find myself doing that but but i also told gadget part of the conversation was i also think people just assume we're always busy assume you're busy more than yeah people don't

want you there no no i i agree here's why i know this in i love self-awareness but sometimes no no well the group that's making me most self-aware to this is now recently you know starting out with a bunch of different entrepreneurs or high level guys right and with that group i have found myself really justifying my existence in those groups yeah more way more than i should i shouldn't have to okay so yeah maybe in that isolated instant it's not a matter of okay because that that makes sense to what you're saying but that's a self-selection bias thing that's like i would like to be around like-minded people who are doing certain things because we've talked about this before you can hang out with the

guy from your hometown who wants to sit at the bar and bullshit about the same old stories okay that's not if you're saying that we don't get invited, maybe it's because those people don't feel comfortable. Whatever it is. But what you're kind of almost saying, like, Gidget should bring it up and I'm going to bring it down, is like Tom Brady's out there throwing touchdowns, so maybe Bill Belichick should come out and throw a football.

If that's her strength, if that's who she is. No, no, no, no, no. You guys have got to like it what you're saying. It's not that. It's a that it's just it's a fact of of we we've got to work better as a unit to to to include ourselves because here's the thing as you go through this and we can jump right into it because i'm just going to run really again if you don't have an app in your phone um insta read again not sponsored by them but great app i i literally am on this every single day. What I use it for

is if somebody mentions a book, I can go in here. I've got like the synopsis of it. I can do 20 minute quick read. If I really enjoy what I read, then I'll go make the investment in the book and I'll read the whole thing. But you know, it's also good for books that you have read. If you need a quick refresher, some of them like a textbook, they have these little tiles, which are great, right? They work great. And you can just kind of go through the tiles of how it works. So I wanted to kind of burn through this in the next hour and see how much we can. And hopefully, man, if you're struggling with some of this stuff, you know, again, I think, you know, pull the finger or pull the thumb instead of point the fingers is a great piece of advice that you can start with. So that's what I've done.

So number one, three fundamental principles to keep in mind when dealing with others, especially when your aim is to win them over and influence them positively. First, never criticize, condemn, or complain. I thought this was interesting because here's the thing. The most likable person you know. All right? Think about the most likable person you kind of know. Do you ever hear them bitch about anything?

Not at all. They never bitch. Nope. And what do I do? I come on here. I look right in camera one. And what do I say? Screw you, Chili's. Salt Lake City. It's towing my car every week. This is what I do? I come on here. I look right in camera one. And what do I say? Screw you, Chili's, Salt Lake City.

It's towing my car every week. That's what I do. I come in here and I complain. And I'm not a big complainer, but I probably complain more than I should. Well, there's types of complaining. There's just being what we call dysthymic. If you suffer from, if you're lugubrious as a personality. Okay. Okay.

That was a straight. That was like, look how much I can squat. Yeah, that was just lugubrious. That was straight up, oh, look how much I can bench. No, no, no. That was ridiculous. So there was this book,

Benjamin Hoff wrote this book called The Tao of Poo and The Day of Piglet. And it's Buddhism through Winnie the Pooh characters. And one of the descriptions was this character, Eeyore, right? He's like, hey, it's a sunny day out.

Yeah, but it's not as sunny as it could be. Nobody wants to hang out with Eeyore. Yeah. Okay? Nobody also wants to be around Tigger all the time where it's like, go, go, go. Yeah. But Eeyore is not the guy or lady who you want to be around because it does kind of darken up your soul a little bit.

It does. Tigger going all over the place. You'll get invited once in a while if you're a Tigger, right? does kind of darken up your soul a little bit it does you you that's going that's what this all over the place you'll get invited once a while if you're a ticker right because everybody needs that yeah yeah yeah but you'll never get invited as eeyore maybe i am i am or you hang out with other eeyores yeah and i'm an introvert so i sit around and i'll drink by myself a lot of times and people think every night by myself every night no but people always sit there like why don't you invite invite me? Why didn't you invite me? And they think like, I think I'm too good for people, which I'm not. I'm just an introvert and I'm with John. I don't get invited to a lot of stuff. No, but I think also, and this is a place where probably, you know, it talks

about criticism and it says the subjects of our criticism will instinctively self-defend the moment we criticize them. When people are defensive, it becomes harder to break through their barriers and convince them of our perspective moreover criticism acts like an invisible boomerang in the sense that it returns to the thrower's head yeah that one story in that book about the guy they're arguing about a shakespeare quote this guy goes oh this was from othello and the guy goes no it was romeo and juliet and he's arguing and he goes up to the guy is the bible or romeo and the Bible or Romeo and Juliet or something. And Carnegie uses an example. Shakespeare wrote the Bible?

No. It was some historical book. It was talking about the author. Who said this quote? This was before Google. So this guy was having an argument. And Carnegie goes up to the other guy and agrees with the guy he's arguing with. The guy goes away thrilled.

Like, ha-ha, I won. Right? So he walks away with good feelings. That argument doesn't mean jack shit anymore to him. won right so he walks away with good feelings that argument doesn't mean jack shit anymore to him no because he walked away even though he's wrong yeah it doesn't matter he saved faith preserved his character well that's like a meme that's like a meme that's going on right now it's like dude i'm gonna play some my life where you want to tell me two plus two equals five i'm like you're exactly right have a great day and so

carnegie says the guy he goes well you he goes you know that was from othello he goes yeah and so do you so why are you arguing with him about it? Yeah. Yeah. Who cares? All you're going to do, even when you win, you lose. I say that every time. Yeah.

Well, talking about even customers, man, the prize of winning an argument with a customer is losing a customer. So that's what we always say. But again, talking about, you know, if you're in a situation where you have to criticize someone or have to give them a critique of whatever, it talks about coming from a place of encouragement, compassion, rather than expose an objection the spirit of the comments is the key that's finesse though yeah it is and unfortunately the job that i'm in you know sometimes i have to critique people i have to critique the job that they're doing i have to

tell them about those things and we have to try to make it better and and i think in the work environment i do do a very good job of that which i think is good all right if you if you if you show them the way to do it, without criticism, say, this is what I found works for me. You know, if you do it from a place of empathy as opposed to your actions aren't good, right? Yeah. You need to change them. You need to do this.

If you're looking out to try to, like, there's times I'm like, what do you think of this, John? Because I know John will give me an honest answer like, no, that's stupid, right? Okay, real quick. That skirt was way too short for you. Just like today. Way too short. Everybody's giving crap for my pants, right?

And I sit there, but like, if I was truly going to like a business appointment looking like a fool, I would hope somebody would tell me that, right? Because it comes from a good place. You're an adult. But, you know, again, it talks about this. It says, indeed, there's always something to say in appraisal of an other. However, it is good to remember that there's always something to be said in appraisal of you as well. Well, that's why you use I statements instead of you statements. I think that's a big Stephen Covey thing.

Never say something. You did this. You say, I feel like this happened. The way I feel about what happened is this. Because you're always entitled to your feelings, right? So if you say, I feel like this could the way i feel about what happened is because you're always entitled your feelings right so if you say i feel like this could be improved on yep yeah you will avoid that harsh kind of carnegie-esque criticism well okay well this is something i probably i don't know in my inner circle probably i do a good job of in my x or in my outer circle probably not so

well which is the second principle is to let people know how valuable you think they are applaud regularly this simple principle can have tremendous effects after all we all instinctively Let people know how valuable you think they are. Plot regularly. This simple principle can have tremendous effects. After all, we all instinctively and unquenchably desire to know we are valued. Absolutely. I think that's great. And I think in some cases, I think, you know, that's kind of the thing. Like with some of the groups that I've joined recently, you know, there's this line and it's a weird line. And I don't know how to describe it, but there's a line where you go from being in the inner circle or you're

somebody that they're selling to, you know what I'm saying? And I have people that I have made friends with where I know what side of the line that I'm on. Sure. And then there's people where I'm kind of blurry with the line. So I think that if they are genuinely important to me for more than just what they can do but like i

genuinely want them as part of my circle i think i need to vocalize that better to these people in a way that's genuine and has nothing to do with what you know because some of these people they can't really honestly do anything for me i just think they're super interesting folks i want them in my circle yeah no no it's hard as a man though like you have to you have to because men are emotionally crippled a lot of times I can only speak from the perspective of men but I know a lot of guys that really mean well and once you get to know them they'll be like hey love you buddy

you can kind of crack them a little bit right where they will open up it's never been a huge thing for me because I wasn't raised with this hyper you gotta be hard hard hard but friends will well you're Canadian you can't guy you know but how guys show their

affection for each other is by calling each other like horrible names like that's what guys do right and it is toxic there's a certain amount of that what they call toxic masculinity where I understand but getting through that you know takes some amount of courage to take up some of those leads with people. Like we grew up Italian. Like my, my grandpa would come in and give me a kiss. My dad gave me a kiss.

You vocalize. I love you. Whatever. Yeah. I like that. And people would be sitting there like your grandpa just kiss you. Yeah. Like go tell,

go tell him that you think that's weird. See what he does. Right. Like, I didn't, I didn't grow up in the, I love you household. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm proud to say that I'm currently living in the, I love you household, but I did not grow up in the, that's household. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I'm proud to say that I'm currently living in the I love you household, but I did not grow up in the I love you household. That's a great, great chain to break, right? Yeah, it was. I love that. Yeah. I did not grow up in that household, but I am living in that household now.

Thanks to my wife. God bless her. That's great. Yeah. God bless her. Affirming the good in others should not be confused with flattery. Affirmation in contrast to flattery requires genuine concern flattery is cheap and an empty praise we should say things we uh sorry we say things we think we

should say when we're actually living on autopilot yeah and people who are inauthentic with compliments you can you can see through that a mile away oh yeah absolutely yeah no no i'm sure people like you you everybody's dated a girl that throws I love you out so quick, right? Like, all right, well, you don't really mean that, right? It's like drinking Stella beer in Egypt. You think you're drinking, but you're just getting full. And you're not getting there. That's it.

So the third principle is that no communication strategy garners influence until it connects with people at their core. In other words, focus on what the other person wants. This is the universal truth, whether we are dealing with a child or hundreds of employees. Again, this is something that even it's funny as I talked to my son about it. And I am probably guilty of this because there's things in my life. I think that I get very excited about. Like, dude, how many times? Honestly, honestly.

All right. Because I've been ruthless with this, and it was a stretch to get there. But even for the last three weeks, I'm finding my ways, like, how do I find the roadmap to show people the mummy videos on my phone? Like, okay, we're starting at, I'm going to go get some milk from the quick stop,

and I'm like, okay. You know who else got milk? Mummies. How do I figure out the 12 degrees to get to the quick stop. And I'm like, okay. You know who else got milk? Mummies. Mummies. Mummies. I'm like, how do I figure out the 12 degrees to get to the mummy pictures? That is true. That is true.

And I found myself not even like listening to what they're doing. I'm playing this emotional chess game to kind of get to what I want to talk about. And I think that's a bad habit that I got to break. I think you're right. I think you're right. But sometimes when you're just so goddamn excited about something. I know want to do it and it's like well but here's the thing here's my challenge i always have something i'm so goddamn excited about i always do i don't know but sometimes that doesn't bother me here's the thing i'm i'm like a large guy too i have a loud

voice people probably say i dominate conversations too so other people like me don't don't bother me yeah sometimes sometimes people see them their shadow selves, right? They say, think of who was that? Someone says, think of the person you find the most annoying, and that is the person you fear of yourself. Oh, absolutely. Right? That's kind of one of those things.

Think of the person that really gets on your nerves or that you don't want to be around, and that is your own mirrored reflection of who you think you are at your worst so you know what i mean oh that loud fucking big yeah asshole voice at the party like that's your internal self-reflection too right in the shadow yeah but yeah right now everybody in their car is like who is that man who would that be oh my god you see the things in them that you don't like yourself yeah right no there's things that and you'll run into me like fuck i do that and that goddamn

annoying damn it i need to stop that you ever watch yourself on video oh i mean yeah i can't i can't watch on his only fans he's watching himself he's like man i gotta work those abs in a little better. That's just not doing it. I'm losing money. So I'm paying myself to watch. They take their fee out. Not a good thing. And that's where we are. But yeah, it says influence requires us to put ourselves in the place of others in a matter of discerning what they truly want and offering it to them, but essentially true in business ventures. So again, it's about finding, you know, really exploring the wants and needs of others. I mean, I tell people all the time, it's one of my first things that I teach. And it's funny,

I teach this to all of our agents. I go, you know, if I have a class of people that have never been in front of me before, they're agents, real estate agents. I'm always like, look, who's your favorite person? Raise your hand, tell me your favorite person. And people are like, my mom, my dad, Gandhi, whoever. And I'm like, you're all full of shit. Your favorite person raise your hand tell me your favorite person and people like my mom my dad gandhi whoever and i'm like you're all full of shit your favorite person is you you are you look in the mirror and you're like oh yeah looking awesome today's the day so the challenge is you've got to if you really want to connect with people you've got to you got to push that down and you've got to like figure out how to talk to what they talk about my son is the worst at this he's getting better He's getting better. He's getting better.

But yeah, we've actually taught. And it's funny. I've talked to him about this where I'm like, dude, you can't just come down and do a rapid fire about video games that none of us have played. Yeah. And to just,

just not stop. And when you see us drifting away and looking over here and looking down and looking around, you got it. You got to understand you're losing who you're talking to and emotional intelligence. And you've got to come back and losing who you're talking to. Emotional intelligence. And you've got to come back. And he's working on that and trying to find ways to connect better.

I think in defense, I mean, the problem is everybody he knows, that's what they all do. His little friend said, that's what they all do. I mean, boys are just hammerheads until they're like 30. They can't figure it out. They really are. So let me start. I want to preface something with all of these things, John.

It's interesting. All of these desires to be better need to come from a place of authenticity. I agree. That you actually give a shit about other people. If you don't, if you're doing, some people will take these skills and abilities or these motivational people will do these things for their own benefit. Yeah. How do I get better at pretending to be authentic?

No, no, no, no. Well, I think for, I think for me, what it does is it's, you know, you go through this and it's like, you know, I'm doing the book thing and you're doing this. And then you're like, it all creates, you know, the whole goal for all of this and everything I want to do is a create a legacy and be help as many people as we can. The great joy that I've had in the real estate industry is not the deals that I've done. It's not the companies that we built. It's, it's the companies within the companies that have been built. It's, it's the, the agents that I've seen. I mean, guys that used to wash cars that now make over a million bucks a year that work here. That's the work that I like. That's the thing that I'm most proud of. And so I'm like, I want

to do that at scale. But then, you know, you're sitting there and you're like, Oh, I'm going to write this book, but fuck, I didn't get invited to a halloween party you know and i'm like if i'm not gonna get invited to a party like who wants to read a book it creates a lot of self-doubt so i think that is really for me the motivator of a i do want to connect with more people yeah i do want to do that b i don't want to be a person that people look at in a negative light because there's something i'm going to come up to that I think is super interesting. There's this old saying, though.

What's that? That club is so busy, nobody goes there anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to think like, you know, we're not that close to Frank. I don't want to. No, no, no.

And in fairness, in fairness, we got invited to two Halloween parties. I didn't feel that great, as you can probably hear. I'm still sniffling. I didn't feel that great as you can probably hear i'm still sniffling i didn't feel that great this weekend we didn't go to any parties you can probably hear my voice me and my wife always complain about that and then someone invites no that's no that's our problem i did i'm not saying that's your problem that's honestly our problem we get invited and then we're like i have to drag my wife out by her. I went out three times at Halloween. Okay. And one of them was finally her friends because Caitlin, she wouldn't go out if it was up to her.

Yeah. She would go to EDC. She'd go to like Greece and go partying or like, you know, Ibiza. But she doesn't want to go. Like, it's my idea to go downtown because I'll be like, hey, let's go see if John didn't want to go for dinner.

She's like, well, we can't because we have this and the kids. she's more responsible because i would just get in the car and go meet you guys well there's there's situations and i get people people grow and get married and do things like this but there but dude there there are people that are in my life that i can pro i mean i without question i can say dude their spouse cannot stand me and that's why you don't get invited at all. And people you were close with and really interacting with, they're just off the table. And you're like, fuck, I mean, I don't care enough really about the spouse to, you know, like it would have been no problem for me to just be like cordial or not do things to

upset them or whatever to still see my friend. You know, it doesn't even matter, right? It wasn't that it's not important enough for me to care to not do whatever i need to do to make them okay i i don't i don't care do you think that social media has a lot to do with it too do you think people have a perspective on who you are yeah well i think maybe they're too i'm afraid to like somebody goes i would love to have a cigar with you. And I go, well, let's go do it. And they're like, really?

And I go, yeah. And they're like, oh, I've been telling my wife for like three or four years that I would love to go have cigars with you. And people, they think I'm an asshole or something. I don't know what it was, but that was shocking. When you see people online all the time, though, you do get this false sense that you know them. There's people that I've never met that I go, oh, he's a buddy of mine. Oh, that happens to me all the time. Friends of them on false sense that you know them there's people that i've never met that i go oh he's a buddy of mine oh that happens friends on social media like vegas geo he's so cute oh give him hugs and then you're like who are you i got a referral from somebody i have never met i've never smoked with i've never spoke with and

her girlfriend got a real estate license no her girlfriend her girlfriend got a real estate license and she called me today and said oh my friend so-and-so said you were the best company in vegas and she has to come work there and i'm like great and i just said great i'm like who's your friend she's like told me your name and i'm like okay great and i looked it up and i'm like it's just somebody i'm friends with social media never met this person super appreciate the referral but i think that i think there is some familiarity to that but i think also a part of what it does is is is again talked about branding on the last episode your social media becomes your brand and with this you know again you know we say a lot of crazy things but i do hope to educate as well as you know entertain because

if you're not laughing at this stuff you're not going to stick around if we were just like what's your favorite pyramid i like the red pyramid and no you're not laughing at this stuff, you're not going to stick around. If we were just like, what's your favorite pyramid? What's your favorite pyramid? I like the red pyramid. No, you're not going to listen to it. I like the way that they sell stock to their agents. Stop it. Stop it.

You stop it right there. Sir, sir, you have gone too far. You have gone too far. If I get dragged into any lawsuit, you have to rep me for free. Yeah, that's it. You have to represent all of us. I'm sorry. I thought I was in America. America.

Oh, boy. I thought we still had freedom of opinion in America. All right. Well, let's move on. Shows for entertainment only. Moving on. It says the six principles to keep in mind to make lasting impressions on people. First, and get them to like you.

First, take interest in their interest. We all yearn for significance in the lives of others and we complicate the matter with our own selfishness yeah yeah that that's your let me stop figuring out how to show you my my mummy photos and and let me let me really listen to what you're talking about photos are amazing it's so weird i had such i was jealous you guys went and after that when he showed me videos and stuff i was like yeah but but to people but it's but here's the thing but here's the thing too though i have shown it to people i've i've figured out the 12 degrees of how to get to the mummy video i'm never doing it again but i figured out the 12 degrees the mummy video and i've shown it to people they've've been like, Oh, that's crazy.

Okay. Roll number one. If anybody ever looks at or listens to something you're saying and says, that's crazy. It's not that crazy. They absolutely care less. They could care less at what you're saying. Hey,

did you ever see the movie? The big kahuna? Uh, no. So the big kahuna is Danny DeVito. Um, Kevin Spacey, who's canceled it.

And then this other actor, I can't remember. And it's about, uh, they're, they are remember. It's about, they are lubricant salesmen. Okay. It's kind of like a Glengarry Glen Ross or whatever. It's about sales. Okay. And Danny DeVito has this kind of monologue

at the end of the movie with this young sales agent. This young sales agent, they were at a conference to sell industrial lubricants. What happened, they were trying to conference to sell industrial lubricants. What happened, they were trying to get to the big kahuna, the big boss for the sale, okay? And spoiler alert,

this movie's 25 years old. Spoiler. But the new salesman finally gets to the big kahuna. He didn't even realize it, but he's sitting there and chatting with him. He's chatting with him all day.

He's at the fucking main guy. The guy. He's with the guy. The chooser. The number one decision maker. Going to close the deal right here. He's with the guy. The chooser. The number one decision maker. Going to close the deal right here. Going to get it done. Close the deal.

All we needed, we set up this room. There's three of us here. Our company full of salt. We're trying to get this deal. And he goes, you sat with the fucking kahuna. What did you talk to him about? He's like, I talked to him about Jesus. He's like, why?

What the fuck are you? We're here for. Because that's what he wanted to talk about. Because that's what I wanted to talk to him about because that's more important than the business so kevin spacey fucking flips out or whatever blah blah blah and danny devito has this monologue that is just killer in business and in this point and i can't remember it all was so long ago but i remember taking two points when he goes he goes whenever you're talking about you you know you you're not really actually selling you're just a marketer right you're just marketing this whole thing because you really want to talk to a man you really want

to talk to somebody ask them about their kids yeah and here's why you have fuck all to gain when you ask somebody about their kids yeah hey john how are your kids doing you say all my kids are doing has someone ever asked you about your kids where you go what does this guy want yeah well this will do this this goes back to my networking tips when I ask people when I'm networking and I am trying to connect with people in a business setting. When I say, oh, tell me about you. Yeah. And they go, oh, well, I'm the vice president of sales for sales.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not what you do. Tell me about you. Why? Married kids. Like, tell me about you, man. I want to know about you. Yeah, yeah.

And they don't hear that and it makes them skip a beat and it makes you memorable. Yeah. So, yeah, I agree with that. This doesn't mean we should replace our interest with the interest of others as far as being interested in what they're talking about. It means incorporating others' interests into our own for the sake of creating meaningful connections with them and not just for the sake of building an audience. So I think we can, I mean, I think that's pretty self-explanatory, but I'm trying to

skip forward because there was one quote that I loved and I have an idea for an app that I, I, I just want, I want your opinion on this. And if somebody wants to make it as a simple thing, well, this is a second smile. Cause I mean, everyone gravitates towards a smile. I think probably I'm, I think I'm pretty good with the smile. I think you are too, but also it's, I went to mall, forgot a mask yesterday. I was like, fuck, whatever. I walked in, just pissed off. I was looking really mean.

They asked everybody, hey, put a mask on, put a mask on. Not one person would come up to me. It's because they're all having fun with their friends, smiling. I look like I'm going back to terror. And it's the same thing, right? You go into a room and you look like an asshole. No one's going along. Come talk to you.

Yeah. People don't bother assholes. Yeah. Nope. The next one, very simply remember people's names. They love the sound of their names. And here I got to tell you,

I got to tell you in a mass network setting, I struggle here. I mean, my wife have a pretty good system. I think I've talked about it before, which is where literally everybody that I meet, she will, after she meets them,

she will text me their name and something about them so I can review it later. Smart. So I was at a house party. I was at a house party this weekend for Halloween. Oh, that must've been lovely. I got,

I got invited. So offhandedly, I got invited by two different groups of people to the same place, to the same place. And there's one person's I come to this thing. I'm like, okay, but we had a, we didn't have a babysitter. But offhandedly, I got invited by two different groups of people. To the same place. To the same place. And this one person's like, come to this thing. I'm like, okay, but we didn't have a babysitter. But Caitlin's like, yeah, you can go. And then another group of people invited me to the same place.

I go, sounds like a place I'm going to. What's the address? Sure. Let's go to this place. Really cool party. 70s home. It was really wild. It was this old school party.

And so the host of the party, i'd met him once before but i really didn't know and i thought his name was matt the guy's name is steve i kept calling him matt i kept calling him matt i'm like oh hey matt what's up yeah matt's the owner of matt matt and then he looked me dead in the eyes and just like okay what you know he didn't stop and correct me i like i said i don't know him it's not like me calling you james or something right right it's i didn't i didn't know and i was so confident i was so happy to remember his name and i was using it wrong i got home and like yeah that you know steve's room have never been so like steve first off that's embarrassing hey steve why don't somebody tell me that yeah no because he's not you know it's like we're not even friends on Facebook or not, whatever.

So I added him and I'm like. Yeah, you're like, Steve, I'm so sorry. I didn't like make a thing of it, but it's just one of those weird things. See, I do make a thing of it. I think I should. Yeah, I think I will, yeah. It's weird when you meet somebody and then see, run into them again in a completely different context and your brain doesn't put the two things

together at all. So we were at Gorman, which is a private school here in Las Vegas, uh, checking it out. My eighth grader is going to go there next year. And we went to the, to the walkthrough with a bunch of other parents from his school.

He's at now, they took all the eighth graders in his, in his Catholic school from here and put them over there. And we went and, a guy jumped up and saw me and was like, Hey man, it's like, what's up? And I, and I was like, Oh, that's, uh, at first I say to my wife, I'm like,

okay, who is that? And she's like, I think that's one of your son's friends. He's his dad. Right. I think she's like, let me look up his last name. She's like, I don't know if that was him or not. I think that's his parents. Right. So I'm like, obviously this guy knows who I am. So he starts talking to me in a different context. And the context he's talking to me in is we used to work out together so i'm like oh dude yeah hey man how are you dude great to see and immediately i know who he was awesome blah blah blah so now i'm talking to him as my workout buddy right we're talking about it because my wife is now i'm not blaming her but she threw this little gooch in my head so at some point i go i go i go uh i go hey man so is this your daughter your son here and he's like looks

at me like i'm crazy he's like it's my son he's one of your son's best friends you brought him to my house before and i thought and i can remember like dropping hayden off at his house and seeing the dad wave you're both and you're both people yeah and trying to put that together and i'm like and i'm like how are you how are you two things? That doesn't make sense. So, yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's a word. Yeah. That was a mistake. That happened to me. I was at the park and some lady sat there.

There's two of you? There's a double here. Four crusties. They sat there and she's like, I got your kids here, you know, waving at me. I'm like, oh, thanks. And I'm like, come here to my kid. And I'm like, let's go find mommy. And she goes, oh, she just went to the bathroom.

She left the restaurant. I'm like, oh, my. Who? What are you talking about? Like, you're go find mommy. And she goes, oh, she just went to the bathroom. She left the restaurant. I'm like, oh my, who? What are you talking about? Like, you're talking about my wife? Turned out to be a girl that I talk to all the time. I know she actually listens to a podcast all the time. And she's like, I love podcasts.

I'm like, oh my God. I guess when you don't. It's a shout out. That's what I call that. Call it the biz. That was a shout out. You don't even. I wasn't expecting to see her at a park, right? If I saw her in a business setting all the time.

I think it's Dunbar's number. So bring that up and you question. Here's the loop. We're back to Dunbar number. So there's two phenomenon. Dunbar numbers right after Dunning Kruger effect, I think is where it runs back in. It runs right back in. Chris is on the loop.

There's a number of people. It's like 150. Now, when you have 5 5 000 people and just social media right not not here not your office not the grocery store whatever sometimes it's overwhelmed people have to be forgiving of that too yeah because not everybody you know is going to naturally stand out in your mind well let's uh let's take a quick break we're going to come back and talk about the rest of this because man i still haven't gotten to my thing that i thought was the most profound thing yet i'll be back right after the break, and we'll talk about that.

Hey, it's John Gafford. If you want to catch up more and see what we're doing, you can always go to thejohngafford.com. We'll share any links of things we talked about on the show, as well as links to the YouTube where you can watch us live. And if you want to catch up with me on Instagram, you can always follow me at thejohngafford. I'm here. Give me a shout.

Welcome back for the break. Welcome back for the break. And if you are just joining us, we are having an in-depth discussion today about Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, because what we've decided, my wife is an introvert and I'm a blowhard. That's essentially what we've designed. Not by design, but I guess self-realization is one of those things that can be very powerful if you actually don't wallow in it, but look

to solve your problem. And let's face it, if you have an issue where you don't feel connected to enough people or you're not attracting enough people, then the answer to that question is very simple. This is the Bible. This is what it is. So we're jumping right back into it. It says the fourth step here is to be a good listener and good listeners have the power to influence hearts and minds more importantly that they have the power to give people the most they desire

this is the thing that i read that i was like man i'm really challenged with that and the reason that i'm challenged and i think this is going to be not just for me but for everybody as we go along in life we are so now accustomed to having this thing binging, banging, bonging in our pocket every five seconds, case in point, counselor was ever looking at the phone, whatever. I'm just saying, we're so used to having this thing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. I think literally all of our screens are giving us all ADHD. I think they without question are, I think it's a problem. I think, you know, I was talking to my wife about that part of it, and I was like, dude, I've got to put my phone down.

I've just got to put it down and be done with it for certain lengths of time and balance myself a little bit so I can get to where you really pay attention. Because when somebody's not paying attention to you, it's painfully obvious. When their eyes are drifting around, when they're looking at their watch, they're looking at their phone, they're looking out the door, they're saying, that's crazy. That's crazy. It's painfully obvious. And married to that.

Yeah. And I think, I think that, I think that is not, that's a, I think that's a learned habit that I got to figure out unlearn, which was good. It feels good to put away your phone.

It does, but you do live. If you, if you do your business on it, it is difficult. I gotta, I gotta tell you, I was telling Gidge,

one of my favorite things about the Egypt trip was the fact that I just got no phone calls. Nothing. My business, a lot of banker hours. My business is pretty Monday through Friday. Other than residential, there's seven days a week, 24-7. My weekends, I feel such a relief. And I actually feel like I'm a better parent.

I feel like I'm a better parent. I feel like I'm a better husband. Yep. Again, fifth, if we want to matter to others, we must first discuss what matters to them. When we know their interests or whatever it is they're going through, we can truly connect with them by putting their matters at the forefront of the actions. Again, this is, this, it's, it's really the same kind of stuff. But yeah, that's the challenge. You've got to be more interested in talking to others than you are interested in talking about yourself. You also have to be interested in what they're interested in. Right. You can't.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because teach me something. No, no, no. But my point is, if somebody is going to sit there for a half hour and talk about something that i have absolutely zero interest in i can't fake it back to him yeah but carnegie point carnegie talks about and john just mentioned it you have to show an interest in them and what they're interested in agree and then because eventually here's the thing you're talking about you at some point right right it's not this book doesn't just advocate hey go sit in a room and talk about yarn to somebody.

Yeah. What it is is, oh, this lady's into yarn. Hey, you know how difficult it is to learn how to stitch? That's how difficult it is to get in a fucking mummy hole. Here's my mummies. Here's my mummies. But you bring it into it, and I think a lot of people don't. You've got to bring in their interests.

If you want them to be interested in you, you have to let them know that you're interested in them. You don't have to sit there and listen to droning horseshit. No, no, no. Because then they're forgetting the rules of carny, too. But I'm going to say this. We were at dinner, and Chris asked probably one of the best dinner questions I've ever heard. Ever.

And if you want a good dinner question, here it is. You ready? Chris just looked right across the table at somebody we were with, and he said, tell me the best story you got. Tell me best story I want to hear it yeah and I immediately was like man that's a great question because you're thinking to yourself I don't know who you are I don't know what you got you got a good story somewhere and and if it's the best story they got they're going to get like really into telling it and and how they're going to feel about that is amazing which brings me I'm going to skip ahead a little bit because I want to get this tile because this was the tile that really hit it for me.

I mean, yes, it's all about nurturing relationships, but this is the tile that really hit it for me, which was, actually, I'm going to back up a tile. I'm going to back up one tile when I'm looking at because it says this. It says, true influence comes from nurturing relationships with others, adding real value to their lives and doing the most to serve them.

When the time comes for us to make a request, we can rest assured there will be someone to lend a hand. This is something that I want to talk about because this is a great way. If you have a great relationship with somebody, you want to ruin it. There's a, this is the instant way to ruin it. I'm not guilty of this whatsoever. Um, but I have friends that are guilty of this. You only call when you need something. Oh yeah, dude. If you're that call when you need something. Oh yeah. Dude, if you're that guy or you need a deal on something or you, that's the only time you're calling dude.

It's like, bro, I'm talking to you in like six months and you're calling me for a favor. Like if I need something from somebody else, this is something I will say I'm very good at. I always try to figure out where they are, what I can do for them. Like, like I always want to be that when I call people most of the time, it's like, Hey man, I got something for you. Like I

got a way that I can do something for you before I'm ever going to ask them to do something for me. Like, Hey, I can make this happen for you. You know, is it, or do you know, and don't, don't ask people what kind of do for you. Cause then you're making them work. Just figure it out. I mean, it's not hard to figure out what people are doing and to say, look, this could be an advantage to them. If I made this happen for them, I connect these dots.

So make something happen for somebody else before you ask something for them. That's a great way to demolish a relationship. I do that. Unfortunately there's, I just came, popped in my mind. I was at a wedding two weeks ago.

Great friend of mine. I haven't seen him in like a little bit. I've had kids and COVID and all this stuff. He's a doctor. You called him Matt, didn't you? No. No. He pulled this out.

No, no, no. Absolutely one of my most like lovable people I ever met. You know when some people you just go, that is a fucking gem and I value you and you are a spectacular human being. And I would love to see you more. We just haven't. Yeah.

But once in a while, I just remembered the last two times i've called him is because my kid was sick i was like hey does this look weird to you because it was genuine concern i didn't want to rush right and you know he's the kind of person in my circle if you had a legal question i would answer it sure hands down no question but sure i did realize that yeah the last two times i've reached out to you are to make you work yeah not to really care about you not that i feel feel like it burns bridges, but if you're calling your lawyer friends only

to ask for legal advice, if you're doing this only to do this, then you've got to think to yourself sometimes, that person now sees me as a time liability. Like, oh, you want me to work for free right now. And my good friends I don't mind doing that with. If you call me up hey what do you think of this yeah absolutely yeah how can you uh can you defend this lawsuit that

you got us into for something you said on the podcast i mean yeah that's something you're gonna call yeah you're gonna help us out you're gonna help us out no cold at this point you're gonna sue this he's coming after me this company that doesn't exist yeah i don't even know who knows there's no no i have not offended anybody no i don't think i. Who knows? There's no compulsion. I have not offended anybody in this podcast. No, I don't think. I think you're going good so far. I don't think you've offended anybody. Freedom of speech, baby. But here comes the guccia right here.

Here comes the one that I was like, huh, which is this. Six, always leave people feeling a little better. There are no neutral exchanges in human relationships. You either leave someone either a little better or a little worse. And I always say you can tell a lot about somebody by how they treat people that they can do nothing for them. Do they hold doors and they make, you know, conversation? Do they do something to brighten somebody else's day? And it's weird, but if I had to take an honest, probably inventory of my day,

I'm probably in some cases nicer to the people that i have don't know them at all the lady at exxon dude then i am the people i deal with every single day i say that to my wife all the time i say that to my wife all the time i say it's weird to me that people in relationships where they're nicer to the barista at starbucks than they are their own spouse yeah because you take your spouse for granted, right? You do. You go to that person at Starbucks, hey, oh, and you get in the car. Why are you so fucking stupid?

I've seen those relationships, and I go, why aren't you with the person at Starbucks then? Because you seem to like them a lot more than your spouse. Well, no, no. I'm not talking about my spouse. What I'm talking about is the people that I deal with every single day. Do I walk by, and because I see them every day, I act in a way that's dismissive.

Literally that singular interaction does not leave them better than it was when I saw them. So this was my idea for an app. And tell me if you think this is nuts. I think this would be awesome if you had the balls to use it. So I just want an app that says literally I turn it on and I can face it at somebody. And randomly on the screen, it's just going to place two boxes. One that screen that says better one that's red, that says worse.

And then literally it all does is collect data for a certain amount of time. And every interaction you have with everybody that you have, just to see how you really are at the end of the interaction, you hold it up and say, can you, I don't know where the buttons are. I can't see what you pick. Can you just tell me how you feel after this?

You know, false confirmation is done. Would they, do you think, no, they come up to you and they, Oh, better. Yeah. Better. Fuck't see it and they know that you can't see what do you think that you know the problem is because you're afraid that you're going to get a hundred percent this is my worst and you're like damn it no yeah everybody feels terrible no no okay all right so there's a way

you know how you tell how people actually feel about you? Yeah. Leave a room and hang around. This happened to me. I was sitting there doing something I thought was completely innocuous, and looking back on it, it was. It was really, really, like, why the fuck are you talking? I walked around the corner.

I was waiting for my Uber. All of a sudden, there was three people over in the area I was, and they started talking shit about me, but in a way like, did you see what that guy was doing? Like, look at him using a fork for cake. It was something like that where you go, what the fuck are you talking about? There was only forks there. Yeah, but here's the thing, though.

I don't think it was the actual thing they were bitching about. I think it was probably the general vibe of how they took whatever you were doing, which is kind of the problem that I'm wrestling with right now. Right. So you don't know how people feel because everybody's polite to your face. And then you leave. And then there you go. And you don't get invited.

If you had a bad haircut, I think people would be a little. If I did? Yeah. I think your hair just, people are like this mother. I don't need to see it. I don't need to see it. No. I don't need this guy's hair around.

Nah. You could come up and tell me I'm handsome, beautiful. I'm like, screw this guy with his hair. Amazing care. Yeah, well, you know, it is a thing. What would you do in that situation? What, if I lost my hair? You're in a room where you heard people talking about you,

and you're still there. You know, I think what is there, there's a saying that don't worry about what people say behind your back because it's none of your business i think is is a quote that's out there and i think but you'd utilize it and learn from it i think well but here's the but here's the point the point is that wasn't even honest feedback that was bullshit because because what they were bitching about some innocuous thing that he did but had nothing to do with what he did it had to do with the overall vibe of what was happening you know they weren't picking up they weren't digging what you were playing they weren't picking up what you were laying down that's but they they don't want to say

like i don't like his overall vibe i just want to pick on something that's manifests itself in a very yeah it's kind of one of those weird situations you'd have to see it but it was it was something where it's like that's a weird thing to be talking about someone like and then taking a lot of joy out of it right so i did the other thing i went and walked up to him like hey why why did you think that was really i was still here i heard everything you just said and they go oh you know backtrack and the one that goes yeah look i was being an asshole yeah and then the other goes you know blah blah i said you know what people do people that have nothing better to do talk about others.

People that have, you know, people with, you know, whatever, talk about ideas and whatever. So just be better. Well, and I tell you, that's, I was thinking about this same tune again. Pull the, you know, pull the thumb, don't point the finger. But, you know, I think about our day and I think about what we do. And occasionally, you know, you watch, you watch garbage television late at night, whatever it is,

and you're sitting on the couch and then they roll out, you know, the, the Vanderpump people are, you know, the 8,000 pound forehead women on discovery, whatever it is. How do you have,

I mean, look, look, I'm not picking on you, but how do you have a fat, you know how fat you gotta be to have a fat forehead. You gotta be fat. But anyway,

as I'm watching this, right? And I'm saying stuff like that because I think it's funny. Because I think it's funny. Because I think it's a joke. And then I realized my kids are hearing me and my wife tear these people down for a knock you were stupid. Like, oh, my God. Can you believe what that girl in Vanderpump's wearing? She looks like a hooker.

Whatever it is, man. And I'm thinking, dude, my kids are picking this up, and we've got to stop that too. And that's something we talked about because your kids are going to replicate what they hear at home. And if it's, you know, let's laugh about others, you know, being on television, whatever it is, that's not a good thing. But they're putting that on television.

They put it on for that. It's for that, but that doesn't mean I have to follow. No, but you find yourself. That's so hard not to, right? Like I sat there and I stopped watching TV. that i didn't mean i have to follow but you find yourself that's so hard not to right like i sat there and i i stopped watching tv i really have you know chain smoking hate yeah it's just a lot of that stuff where you go um the island boys okay but but that's but that's so absurd right are those guys like i i don't know i don't even like saying i didn't know what it was i asked

someone because i kept seeing these fucking two idiots. I look at, I go, we're celebrating the worst parts of human nature, but those parts of human nature are creating this thing to talk about. Sometimes it's a reflection of what we don't want to be. And sometimes it's fun to do that. I don't know why. It's probably not positive. So there's a part of it where you want to be better and not critical and all these things,

but there's a party that doesn't want to be square. No, but I, but I think it also, but I think it also goes back to the, you don't want to be around people that complain and if you're around people that are bitching and got like making fun of other people that they can't hear what they're saying i mean at some point they're going to say what is this dude saying when i walk around the corner

they're going to bitch are they going to bitch about how i eat cake with a fork i tell that to people all the time you got friends that are talking shit about your other friends they're talking shit about you exactly i know for sure so shit about you. Exactly. I know for sure. So it says there's 10 principles to keep in mind, uh, to merit and maintain other people's trust. First, avoid arguing with other people. I think we've already covered that.

Arguing is futile. Conflict is inevitable. However, in the end we must, uh, value interpedence more than independence. Understand that polite and respectful negotiation is more effective in the long run than antagonistic argument. Yes. Yeah. Arg argument yes yeah arguments you never win secondly respect the difference of opinion

yeah where's this been in america right now the echo chamber nine years ago echo chamber does come after what was the last one you said what was it it was dunning kruger no no after dunning kruger comes on bars number on bars number d d e echo chamber yep're there. So see, this is working out perfectly for you because it just falls right into your line. But yeah, second, respect difference opinion. Telling others they are wrong will only make them hate us. Very few people react reasonably when they are told they are wrong.

In most cases, they react emotionally and defensively because we are questioning their convictions. Yes, and the belief thing. We always want others to respect our beliefs but we don't you know respect theirs so yeah we just this is what i like about this topic i find this very interesting topic very personal to me in that i always want to be better oh there's a lot of people that they don't seem to want to get better improve and i go there's all this knowledge on the world and you just think you have all the answers today.

That's your opinions for today. You have this hard line opinion about something as opposed to being, you know, cause I know it takes work to do real research. Yeah. Okay. Well, here's the deal, dude. I mean, look this way. I'm sitting here on our podcast, which has over 10,000 subscribers, calling myself a jackass basically for how I've behaved a little bit in the past. And, you know, there, I mean, I'm willing to take an honest look at what i do and i think everybody should be and if you're one of those people that your ideas are right everybody else is wrong it's problem because it says you know you know here's the thing this is if you want to effectively like open your mind and solve a problem start with a blank slate sure you know if you have an opinion

tell me why it's right tell me we got this and again this comes back to i think i said several shows away which is if you're going to show and share information ask yourself how true it is where did you hear this who is the source are they qualified to deliver that information right you know what one of the other great things in philosophy is if you if you think that you know a thing well enough to have an opinion on one side go become an expert on the other side first right if you think right i want to defeat the argument on the other side we'll go be an expert on it if you don't know shit about the other side at an expert level you have no right to have an opinion that's why that's why politics is so crazy because people have no idea

what's going on on the other side because they watch one media outlet both sides right it's a full-size problem if you don't it's but in business i what i started realizing is selling businesses and investments and stuff became such over and over to me something was not a big deal right and then i finally sat there and i don't know what it was i think we're buying a property or something personal i'm like god this is actually a little stressful when you're going through it, right? And I sat there and I go, I need to re-put myself on the other side of this transaction. And I had a guy that I just did a deal with. The guy's awesome. He called me 30 times a day.

Sure. And he's like, he apologized every time. I go, no, because I understand. It's scary. It's stressful. You're coming to me because i'm the expert yeah that's why that's why we're talking yeah but three years ago i'd have been pissed off at this guy but now i'm like god that's why you have these conversations that's why you learn and you know

well reflect leading us to third admit your faults quickly and emphatically doing so shows the person we hurt that we genuinely care about them and we want to make things right. People have much more. People are much more forgiving when they see we're willing to correct our behavior and come clean right away. That also requires that you correct your behavior. It does. And one of my, you know, one of the best things I think were the best compliments I ever got was years ago. And last time I worked really in major corporate America, I got called by a boss.

I'm at one point. I won't go into what he called me about, but he called me about something. And it was one of those conversations where you could just tell, like, he thought he had me like, Oh, like,

you know, he's had this Perry Mason thing, like going in there. At some point in the conversation, he was going to go, you know, and I got you. And he called me and asked me like, Hey,

what's up with this? And I was just like, and I didn't do anything wrong. Don't get me wrong, but it was, it was, it was, it's called a gray area situation and he said what happened with this and i said well this happened this happened and i did this and this is what we did and that's why we did it here we go and there was this pause and he just got no no no no he just goes like this he goes that's why i love you gafford you're a bleeder he called me and i said what

he goes he goes you'll just stand up take it around the chin and I was like like he was hoping you'd like a bleeder yeah people don't realize that I love that

like when I have somebody and I'm like hell yeah lie to me because I'm ready to go off once you lie to me and then they're like it's like

I'm like yeah and that was it you read McConaughey's Greenlights no I haven't read it was that on your book I was talking to somebody about it I No, I haven't read it. Was that on your book? I was talking to somebody about it.

I haven't read it yet. Everybody said it was great. It's one of those things like if I see a picture of Morgan Freeman and everything that's in writing after that, I hear it in his voice. If I read the Greenlights book, I'd be like, all right. Get the audio. Chapter one, here we go. No, you got an audio book.

It's him in the audio book? It's him. Oh, God. See, I don't even know. Oh, it's magical. No, it's great. It's. Here we go. You got an audio book. And it's him in the audio book. It's him. Oh, God. See, I don't. Oh, it's magical. That's great. It's a lot of fun. You got a problem?

No. No. I'm like, Tom Hanks? I'm like, what's your thing again? One of the things was telling his story of how he grew up. Pretty interesting storyteller. He's a generational storyteller. And his brother had one of these things where he was caught smoking pot for the football team.

And he was like, my father always said, you know, just be honest and take it on the chin and he goes uh the coach is like well that means you're off the team i gave him a way worse punishment where he would have just lied about it yeah and it was like the whole thing about it and you know it was such a fun story the way the brother just finally was like you know i tried to do the right thing now i'm gonna do the fucking wrong thing yeah yeah and And that's what we move to. Incentivize good behavior. No, I tell my kids all the time, I'm going to be pissed off for a full day at you for fucking up.

You lie to me, it's going to be a month or two of me pissed off. It's much worse. Fourth, begin interactions in a friendly way. After all, friendliness begets friendliness. When we have friendly feelings towards someone, we're more likely to agree with them or see things from their perspective. You know, again, for me, I don't think that's an issue. I'm pretty friendly with everybody I run into. I think the challenge there for people would be if you've got to deliver bad news,

to start with friendliness. In business, and I'll say this, and I talk all the time, if you listen to this, don't never put bad news in writing. You pick up the phone, you call people. You be a man, you be a woman, whatever it is. Be a human about it. You be a human, and you stand up, and you show some empathy, and you deliver bad news. Don't put it in a text message.

Don't put it in an email. Have the comic artist see it. Don't put it off. Don't put it off for 48 hours. No, no, no, no. I see that a lot. I'm like, I know this is an issue. When are people going to call and tell me it's an issue?

And they don't for two, three days. Hey, Colt, this is Chris. Thanks for letting me manage your OnlyFans account. I got to tell you, just drop 50% of users with limbbiscuit04 at AOL.org. Yeah, Colt, you don't have to keep signing up for accounts. You can just log in through the admin and look at your own stuff. You think I can make like 100 grand a year on OnlyFans? Absolutely not.

No? Why not? Under no circumstances. Are you serious? Because you're far too moral, Colt. You won't do the things necessary. I think if I just showed my feet, I think I got cute feet. Fuck me.

You're probably right. You know what? You probably are. There's probably a market for your feet. There probably is. That's a sad part. It's a dark place. It's a dark, dark place.

It's a 300-pound dude in Ohio. Yeah, but you also got to talk to him. So it won't just be just feet, Colt. If you're willing to try, I'm willing to laugh about it. I think this is an experience. Colt's feet. Well, how do we do OnlyFans? I think we have to ask somebody.

If you're out there listening and you're an OnlyFans expert, please call us so we can get Colt's feet. Well, how do we do OnlyFans? I think we have to ask somebody. If you're out there listening, you're an OnlyFans expert, please call us so we can get Colt's feet up on Instagram. Colt underscore Amadin Instagram. And we want to get a Colt's feet off. I knew a girl that made a living. I mean, a good living. Making videos of herself ignoring dudes. No, no, no, no.

Somebody told me that story. It was you. I'm not going to, no. Yes, no, no. I was like, somebody told me that story. It was you. No, I'm not going to get into it. She was never nude. She never did anything or she would just make fun of them. These are for guys. And guys have,

if you go into the psychosexual behavior of men, it's way different than women. There's biological differences. But men who are ignored or whatever, they get off on that feeling of someone ignoring me, literally eating cereal, looking at you like a loser and then turning away differences but uh men who were ignored or whatever they get off on that feeling of uh someone ignoring me literally eating cereal like looking at you like a loser and then turning away and eating cereal for like 12 bucks oh god i think my own videos there was a girl at the palms

years ago this is years ago my wife worked there they caught her going to the trash in the dressing room and she would get the cocktail waitresses use pantyhose and then sell them online and she was rushing it who is that girl that sold her bath water i that that gamer girl is like i don't even know daphne or something yeah she's selling bath water and guys are making videos like drinking her bath water oh god that's not okay i think one of them got sick i'm serious as a borderline as a borderline professional germaphobe that is not i am a germaphobe i underwear socks not okay just not okay colt's adventures in japan ladies and gentlemen not okay water drinking it oh god i think a guy got sick that could have been like splash on my face could have been a parody. Oh, boy.

Okay, fifth. Access affinity as early and as often as possible. Establishing commonality or affinity at the beginning of an interaction is a new form of yes. The more early yeses you hold, the more likely you are to secure yes and yes. It's kind of salesy for me. That's the yes train through sales. Oh, get them saying yes about anything, and then they're more likely to are to secure yes and yes. It's kind of salesy for me. That's the yes train through sales. Oh, get them saying yes about anything. And then they're more likely to say yes.

Six, surrender credit. This means prioritizing the success and betterment of others because you are genuinely grateful for them and for what they offer you. It means being confident in who you are and acknowledging the rubber-like power of reciprocity. I love this um i think it was trying to think how it was and we just lost our screen behind us i don't know why

anyway i think it was um just turn that off colt who cares i think it was who was it it was i remember it was but somebody said what they say to themselves before they go on air is they really just say, how can I help as many people as I can today? Like, God, give me the power to help as many people out there as I can. And by putting others first, it gave him a lot of confidence to walk on stage. And I wish I could remember who said that. Don't you, are you picturing a person that's really excellent at all these traits right now? I'm trying to. Don't you just like that

person you like that person i got every time i'm picturing somebody that said that you know said ed mylett said that it was ed mylett who is who is really good at all of these things yeah really good i have a buddy that's been successful absolutely everything he's done and they have been such dramatic businesses but he is that guy. He's just great at everything. How do you fail? Look at the screen. It looks like all of a sudden now we're on a –

if you watch this on YouTube, we lost our background for some reason, and it looks like we're in a void. You know what? It's going to be the Star Wars thing. I know. We're like in a complete void now. So listen to this. Can you scream that?

I don't know. Get the Death Star behind you. You won't know what it is. Dark Vader. So listen to this. So my three-year-old did not want to be what he wanted to be. He wanted to be a knight. So I bought him a knight costume for Halloween.

Did not want to be it. Was it a martial art? Last second. I think we've all been there. He's sitting there. I had to go buy, go to Costco. They had one thing. My mom's like, oh, I found one that's the size.

I'm like, buy it. I'll pay you back comes people are like he's so cute what is we don't know what he is found out he's a Star Wars person yeah he wasn't he was Boba Fett I think why don't you just dress him up as a real knight which if you haven't seen if you haven't seen that bad boy the book of Boba Fett coming out on Apple yeah so apparently it looks so dope. Wow. That looks great. Yep, so that was my Star Wars. That was your Star Wars. See, now you're buying your kid's Star Wars things

you've still never seen in a movie. All right, next thing. Don't take all the credit when things go well and dish out blame when things go wrong. Don't be afraid to share the spoils of success. Doing so never will win you friends. Yeah, I mean, obviously spread around the greatness. Of Colt's presence here.

Yeah, I mean, look. I think everybody. Of Colt's presence here? Yeah. I mean, look, no. I think everybody's. We know the success for this bad boy is 100% because Colt's. But don't you love, I love, like, being around you guys and hearing your success. Like, I love hearing people's success. Well, you know, I saw. We're probably those few that like that. Well, I saw that.

I saw somebody put a meme up today, and there was a sign somewhere that said, stop hanging around with people that don't want to see you win. Yeah. So a guy I barely know, but he does very well. I think he's like a sports gambler in town. It's a guy named AJ. And he's got, you know,

nice whips and all that stuff. And he put a post up the other day of like, don't hang out with people who don't want to see you succeed. And there he goes, people will do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was one of those kind of ideas where, you know, you can tell a lot about a person, how much they want to see you succeed there he goes people will do blah blah blah blah it was one of those kind of ideas where you know you can tell a lot about a person how much they

want to see you succeed i'm like i want every one of my friends to succeed because i want to go on the boat but i don't want to pay for the maintenance yeah i wish i want all of my friends to be infinitely more successful than me yep i couldn't care less if people are way better than me even if some of those friends don't invite you on the private yacht, they're going on tomorrow. That's okay. Oh, God. Should we get on First World Problems?

Chris has to fly commercial tomorrow. Chris has to fly commercial tomorrow to his private yacht. How ever will you survive? Every time I pull up this shot, it's freaking me out. Like when you get sucked into the netherworld by it. It is that was that steve sacks in the simpsons baseball episode seventh always engaged with empathy nowadays we focus too much on self-promotion i.e the interwebs which man that has become a business. And thus, we fail to consider how others might feel in any given situation.

Often, we take time to consider the other person's perspective. We become more sympathetic to their feelings. Empathy is a lost art. EQ. It is. Emotional intelligence is the most important thing in business. People talk about being smart, people whatever, but. IQ, EQ, AQ.

Yep, it's there. It's there. Eight, appeal to people's noble motives. Doing so conveys to the other person that we believe what they are doing. And I'm sorry. Cole, you want the world to see your beautiful feet, don't you? Doing so conveys. I'm going to figure out Only only fans this next week, guys.

Appeal to your noble motives. I want to hear your noble motives. I want to hear your noble motives. When she's like, why is only fans on your- Your noble motives. It is a subtle compliment, but these words often move people to action.

All right. Ninth, share your stories. When we share our stories, others become more willing to share theirs. Together, we can create new and larger story with imagination. Now, I think this also is a place where probably I struggle because it's like, oh, really?

You met that guy? Well, I met this guy. But hold on. Sometimes I think that is seen as one-upism. Because if I tell you a story and you're like, oh, that reminds me of this time. I did this. I go, oh, that's it. It's one-upism if your intentions are bad.

Otherwise, it's human storytelling. But I think, no, but the thing is, again, like for example, if you ask me what my greatest story is, and then immediately when I'm done with that, I tell you my greatest story. It's pretty fun, though. It's pretty fun.

I tell you my greatest story, which is infinitely more interesting, at least it is to me, than you. Number one, I don't think you're going to win that battle unless it's kind of a light speed away. But the reality of it is, is I think that you're just going to get to a place where people always feel like

you're trying to one-up them as it is. So I think you're better off if you're going to tell a story or somebody's really into their story, they love it. Unless they ask you, do you have an exact experience in this realm i think just let it go you know it's such a struggle though because when we crave real connection with people sometimes you're going to get excited about those things you're doing like i said the egyptian mommy pictures but i

think if you're interested in other people i think then they do genuinely i think if you're genuinely interested in them they become genuinely interested in what you have to. And they're going to start extrapolating that information from you instead of getting it like a scattergun, which is what I've been doing out of somewhat of, you know, weird place of insecurity where I start just badgering. Don't you think that kind of like-minded people, though, are going to appreciate it? I think a lot of times what Carnegie talks to is dealing with people who are insecure or less secure than maybe yourself or whatever.

Right. Because I don't find that when you're in a room full of successful people that they're terribly worried about you stealing their spotlight. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. No, I agree. And I think you said also the storyteller, right? Like my wife, she she goes oh my god

you just get to the point and it's like well no if i'm with somebody i want them to know who you are right like the storyteller story if i'm next to a billionaire i'm gonna say it's this guy he's worth a billion dollars because i want you to realize who's at this point of the story who's this if this guy's famous i'm going to tell you oh he's this guy who did this so you comprehending you comprehend the story because if not my story might be stupid if it's like well it's at a bar and his girlfriend flirted with me but you know what it's kind of interesting um maybe to John's point there maybe you start taking a left on people where they go um instead of being like oh this is my friend Colt he's in commercial real estate this is my friend Colt he uh you know is the world's greatest

Tom Hanks fan or something you know something maybe a little more personal because here's what people like with but i think that's different i think if people come to you and they're like oh this is my friend do tell my story about this that's okay yeah so what i what i'm kind of getting at is this maybe pointing out the thing about people that everyone can either tell or know or that's going to come up anyway is is not so if you want to make a connection, like if, if, if you're worried that take like a,

if I hang out with Andre, the giant and say, Hey, my friend, Andre, the giant, look, he's a giant.

It was my friend, Bob, the billionaire. Look, he's a billionaire. Maybe Bob, the billionaires like is my friend called the fence builder, the bridge,

the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge,

the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge,

the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge,

the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge,

the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge,

the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge,

the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, the bridge, built 20 bridges but that for some reason we don't call them so if you have somebody if you want to kind of maybe let them know you care about them on not on levels outside of business maybe you can refer to people in ways that are kind of interesting you know yeah here's my friend

bob he's my friend vince he's an attorney in town right but he's building this crazy garden in his backyard it's wild to me so it's it's one of those things that, you know, my friend, tell the garden in your backyard. No, like when I introduce you to people, when I introduce people to you, I go, my friend Chris, he's got like Ripley's Believe It or Not at his house. Yeah, because it's like, what's your passion? That's what I said.

Yeah, that's what I said. It's not their passion more than their accolades. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I got it. Well, and I think that's a big thing to do do as there are certain people that are really good at that and i think when you introduce somebody it's good to throw something about them because maybe you start off a conversation for somebody and people don't they're like hey this is john you know and just leave it at that this is john john they're doing that because they don't remember the person's name

that's what they're doing yeah you want to hear my thing my thing will be like this is my wife and then i pretend to cough yeah oh did you say your name okay cool i'm pretty sure at this point everybody's got that that's like colt's like and then i slam on the brakes and reach across that's a that's my move i'm like oh hey i got you that's the that's the move well guys we've run out of time for today so hopefully man this helped you um if you obviously if you want to learn more than this if everybody should read that book how to win everybody it is a it is one of the staples it's a bible you should absolutely read that book for interacting with others. And next time you interact with me, hopefully I will be being a little more engaged with some of the things and principles we talked about.

Because I got to tell you this, I'm really going to try. And if you liked what you heard today, man, tell a friend. And if you hated it, man, please tell two. Because it doesn't matter if they're talking good or bad about you. As long as they're talking about you in a way that empathizes with their own internal motivation. Exactly. Please like and subscribe. Help us out.

See you later. I got tequila. Thanks. I'm going to. Hey, it's John Gafford. If you want to catch up more and see what we're doing, you can always go to thejohngafford.com where we'll share any links that we've things we talked about on the show, as well as links to the YouTube where you can watch us live and if you want to catch up with

me on instagram you can always follow me at the john gafford i'm here give me a shout