Espresso - 100% F*ck No

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

On this shot Ben breaks down The Fam's 100% F*ck no's (like clipping your toenails so loud you get evicted.....) he creates a rule for the pod aka SpressLaw. He reveals that his super power is knowing when gunshots are in songs, he realizes how hard it is to tell someone they have food on their face .... Ben discovers when your friends mom yells at you it's the most awkward moment of your life whoops and then later on in the pod he falls in love with banana bread ;) He does #ViViViViral and #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! >>>> 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! <<<<< 𝗨𝗽𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀: Wednesday 11/18: Helium Comedy Club - Indianapolis, IN Wednesday 11/25: The Caravan Comedy Club - Louisville, KY 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 133 You guys probably actually thought that was me I think that's my actual I think that's why I laugh like I do Subliminally The Joker cartoon why why I laugh like I laugh anytime anything gets cancelled Anytime anything gets canceled. Let the good times roll.

Seriously, though. When I'm planning to go to a concert that I've been waiting two years to go to and it gets canceled because of COVID. Let the good times roll. Seriously. The man who doesn't actually want to do anything. Oh my God. I can't go to this party because of COVID. Me though, in my room, in my bed with my feet rubbing each other.

Let the good times roll. Shot 133. It feels good to be here. What's up, fam? God damn it. I love this shit. I didn't even know what I was gonna say god I love this we're in the OG studio again last week had a ray hensley on one of my homies comedian in Indianapolis Love Big Gay Ray

He's not but you know he is Remember to follow on TikTok, Twitter, Instagram And Cameo All at Benedict Polizzi Thanks for following Thanks for your DMs Thanks for your feedback

Thanks for all the interactions Super dope Came out with some stuff last week Brozetta Stone Thanks for your DMs. Thanks for your feedback. Thanks for all the interaction. It's super dope. Came out with some stuff last week. Brozetta Stone. Shout out Mantis. I'm actually on one of his podcasts. Kentalk.com.

It's called That Boy Bent. Look it up. Listen to it. We had a good little session. It's all on video, too, so that's dope. Let's talk so everybody has covid covid usa na na na na seriously though oh my who doesn't have covid it's like everybody's like i have covid it's like not a big deal to say it because everybody in the world has it Every time Every time

Every time Anybody does a lot of something It's this Like everybody has those van shoes You know with the white line that like goes Like kind of wavy It's like so overplayed now It's this every time every time you see

somebody with those vans shoes low tops like skateboarder type shit okay okay when like when like a group of like five 17 year olds walk in the mall like three of them have on those black shoes with like the wavy white line you know right right like right when they right when they walk in and the automatic door is open, this song plays. And everybody has those shoes. What's he actually say? What's everybody have on now? What's everybody have on now? What's everybody have on?

It's those black shoes with the wavy white line. Nobody knows why they have them. They just wear them anyway. They saw somebody in L.A. with them on. And now they're just getting them. Everybody wears the black shoes with the wavy white line. They don't know why they wear them. Their legs are usually pale.

They don't even skateboard. They just want to look cool, even though everybody in the world has them right now. Everybody wears the black shoes with the white line. Everybody wears Vans for no fucking reason. But that's, dude, Indiana, dude. People, Indiana's so late on those. I bet somebody's getting those for Christmas. Mommy?

Mom, can you go into PacSun? Your directions for your Christmas list growing up. Have like step-by-step walk in the mall. You'll pass Blondie's Cookies on your right. You'll pass the Verizon store on your left. There's a kiosk with a bunch of candy and a guy flipping a helicopter in the air. Don't talk to him. Go to your left. Go through the store. PacSun, PacSun. Go through the store all the way in the back corner. There's going to be a black shoe with the wavy white line. I don't want you to get those, Benny. I don't like those. What do you think,

you're a skateboarder? And then get a size 12 under the tree for Christmas. Totally different shoes. But seriously, every single person in the country right now. Because everybody has COVID. COVID USA. Because everybody has a spider web tattoo on their elbow. Infinite USA, na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Because everybody has a spiderweb tattoo on their elbow. Spiderweb tattoo USA, na-na-na-na. Hold on.

It's always tattoos. Because every girl has an infinity tattoo on her ribs. Infinity tattoo USA, na-na-na-na-na. If everybody has them, tattoo on her ribs. Infinity tattoo USA. Nah, nah, nah, nah. If everybody has them, don't get them. That's the rule of this podcast. New rule. Spress law. It's espresso law.

If everybody's doing it, don't do it. That's our golden rule. If everybody's doing it, don't do it. So like me wearing a backwards hat, that doesn't count. Whoops. Because everybody has COVID. I don't know why people are still going out anyway. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

So we're going to have another lockdown. What do you guys want to do during that? Freak out every day? Me too. It'll be fun. You know, I guess we just gotta do it. We gotta do what we gotta do. What hobbies are you gonna pick up this lockdown?

Me? Guess I'll try to watch a TV show. God, I can't believe I did that. I don't watch anything. I can never pick a show to watch. I don't get why people ask you if you've seen something they're like hey have you seen that movie

and you're like no and then they tell you anyway and you're like what? like when somebody does that to you it's equivalent to someone telling you about a dream they had. You ever walk in on a conversation with somebody telling a story about their dream?

Why does that happen like two out of every five conversations I like move into? I'm like, what are you guys talking about? And somebody's like, right. And she said she still couldn't find the cantaloupe. So I went down there and she was looking for it. And like all the, all the seeds and stuff just like kept coming out of her eyes. And I'm sitting there like, is this a, Hey, is this a dream? Are you talking about, did this really happen?

Every time somebody says, I'm explaining a dream, I go like this. Oh, right out the door. Every time somebody says, I got to tell you about this dream I had, I'm like, oh. And it's the AIM door. Right here. When I walk up to a conversation

and I'm like, what? What? And the other person telling the story is like, oh, it was this dream I had last night. This is what I do. Oh. By the way, best sound of all time. Okay, I don't remember that noise on AOL. A-I-M.

When people call it aim, hey. well. AIM, when people call it AIM, hey. If you call AIM AIM, I know that if you got hurt when you were a kid and people are like, dude, are you okay? And 100% of the time you're like, yeah, bro, I'm good, even if you're not good. If you call AIM AIM, you're the kid that got hurt and they're like, yo, bro, you okay? And you're like, no, I'm good, even if you're not good. If you call AIM AIM, you're the kid that got hurt, and they're like, yo, bro, you okay? And you're like, no. I don't think. Why would you ever call that AIM?

AIM is toothpaste. AIM's toothpaste. By the way, AIM toothpaste, if you don't know, best tasting toothpaste of all time. I don't know why we always used to get it. Probably because it was like $1. crest was like three dollars but aim toothpaste bang i could eat it did you ever do that when you're a kid like i went through a phase i just can't remember this for some reason and i just swallow was swallowing my toothpaste for like two months my mom would always have to be like

no betty no she always smacked the toothpaste i don't mean don't swallow it betty is that a weird thing is that like kids eating glue i never understood that like that like people would brag about like eating glue and i'd be like you're a loser eating glue dude you're stupid nothing compares to when uh nothing compares to when this kid in my science class Tommy Humes sucked all the ink out of a gold gel pen and just swished it around in his mouth for half an hour before he told anyone like how does that not happen every single day at school as a kid something like that and he was like

and i was like what are you doing bro like we were kind of cool we were kind of boys and he was like and he opened up his mouth and he just had gold ink all in his mouth and i was like i like thought it was a thing though i always think everybody's right so i'm like oh that must be like the new pen you can drink and i was like bro i don't know if you should and like then i then i remembered that tommy was like kind of like crazy and like a little like is he should he be in our grade oh shit and then the teacher was like oh she like kind of freaked out it was like and then i like for some reason i was i was like oh can i walk him to the bathroom like that's a good like anything to get out of class so i walked him to

the drinking fountain and he just like regurgitated all gold sparkly gel pen ink and i was like oh kind of hard but like his teeth were lined in gold for the rest of the day so I was like actually kind of baller move Tommy looks kind of good even though you have ink poisoning and could die tomorrow what were we talking about best sound AIM noise Dude this We did On an old school Express pod We did best sounds Oh

Me and Joey Used to do the coolest shit On those We'll do it again I promise Just be patient But This sound

Best sound Right here right here dude oh fuck off oh the snapple cap you can hear somebody open a snapple from Cincinnati You can hear somebody open a Snapple from Cincinnati. Did your dad drink Snapple? Dude, my dad was a Snapple slut.

Every time I got in his car, two diet peach tea Snapples. I was like, what the fuck? Why that kind? Snapple used to be this shit. A glass bottle. Anything in a glass bottle I'm like I'll take it Could be cocktail sauce

I'll take it Sorry I threw up again But yeah That shit right there A snapple's just so God damn special And it feels like Classic

You know Like your grandma Would be like Oh a snapple But also like the kid with vans on in the mall would be like yo let me get a hit of that yeah okay i'll stop because everybody has called it all right let's uh we could talk about this bullshit all day and we usually do, but for now let's get to the question,

question, question of the week. Yeah. I put out a question on Instagram. What's your biggest 100%? No. What's your biggest 100%? No. Like something you're just like no no no no no absolutely not I will not even try I didn't mean to do that I love when I'm 100% that happens like once every

year where I'm like no I'm just confident just confident confident in my answer. No. Or like you remember, like something is someone's like, I don't know. I don't know if I, if I put that away or not. And for some reason you like watched them put it away and you're like, I'm a hundred percent sure. I, yep. So I put in the drawer a hundred percent. Yep. Uh-huh. That's my, that's my, I've, I've done that twice in my life. But when you're 100% fuck no, when you're 100% fuck no on something, you just can't. And that's how I am.

I said it on Instagram with like microwave sounds. Dude. Seatbelt noises. Yo. Any cell phone noise, I'm like, No! Out. Out. Like as a dog out now I don't know why but like my dad's the most like irritated person of all time about everything

and he can he can ride in a car just because he doesn't like a seat belt he can ride in the car with it off like to target and back like Like ten minutes ding ding ding ding ding and he'll just be sitting there like looking around at a red light Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding if I hear one if that happens for one second Like stop the car on the highway My dad would let his security alarm in his house go off For like two months Just like sitting there watching TV I can't

But here's some Here's some No 100% fuck no's that you guys sent in Okay 100% fuck no Claire Hathaway, 10. Guys under six feet. 100% fuck no. Guys under six feet. Dude, guys that are tall as shit though are honestly like, it's the most impressive thing I've ever seen in my life. If someone's like above six,

five, I'm like, you're the King. A guy in a bar that's six, five. Like who's not fucking them. I have it. You can't miss them. Six, five crazy. Who's not. I am. Who's not? I am. Holy shit, dude. Tall people are amazing to me. Like, what an advantage. It's not even fair in everything.

It's just like, oh, except for people asking you how tall you are. Hey, 6'3"? 6'3", 4". Ah, high school basketball player, huh? Elbows him a little bit. Ah, stud. Every time. He did that with people's weight. 3'40"?

Eh? How fucking rude would that be? Oh yeah yeah Instead Everybody has COVID No I'm just kidding Instead of like I played high school basketball

You're like You're in video game club huh Slob Smacks his ass yeah guys under six foot though dude i'm i'm really almost there i swear i swear i'm getting shorter all right caleb matthews 100 fuck no people clipping nails yeah i get it i get it I get it But like What are you supposed to do Bite them

I went through a phase Where I didn't bite my nails For like two weeks And I felt like The most complete Version of myself Of all time I felt like the richest

Person of all time When I was Clipping my nails Like I was 40 years old And I had 18 million dollars After each clip Right yeah old and I had 18 million dollars after each clip let's get some shrimp but now

I just bite him like I'm a homeless hobo people clipping nails. Yeah, and why every time people clip nails, why does it have to be the loudest? Why do they have to wake up everybody in the entire city? Oh, I'm just going to clip my big toenail. Sounds gross, but whatever. My big toenail. That will, like everybody in Cincinnati when I clip my toenails Is like oh Ben's clipping his toenails

Why is my big toenail The loudest Why is it the most distinct Right when I How weird would that be if you were like hey bro I'm just going to clip my toenails real quick you'd be like okay well you didn't have to tell me 10 seconds later

in the bathroom the clippers though dropped them on the ground trying to find him around the toilet pinky i got one left dude why dude i'm gonna get an eviction notice from clipping my toenails in my apartment somebody's got a shotgun upstairs! Oh, no, sorry. I just haven't clipped my toenails in 15 months. Why is it so loud?

And why does it sound like irritating? But you can't do it any other way? Clip them after you get out of the shower so your nails are nice and soggy. Somebody would have said that. Somebody's thinking that in their head right now. Do it after your shower so that's not as loud. It's still loud. Right after you get out of the shower, clip my toenails.

I love a good ass. I love a good gun sound, dude. That's like my secret power. Knowing when gun sounds are in songs. Like, oh, you can cook really well? Huh, that's good. That's fun. That's good, yeah.

Oh, you know how to play chess? God, that's so interesting. Oh, you speak different languages? Well, I know when gun sounds are going to happen in songs. So, yeah. So next time we're in a car and there's a gun sound, like, look at me. Because I'll do the load part too.

Yeah. I know. I just know. I just know. Yeah. Like, you have a sixth sense for when it's going to rain outside. I have a sixth sense for when an AK-47 is going to let off a couple rounds in a rap song. That's mine.

Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. X-Men superpower. Oh, you can control the weather. Oh, okay.

Yeah, you're on the team for sure. Oh, your bones are made of metal and you have metal claws and you can't die. Oh you're definitely on the team oh you know when gun sounds are in songs well i guess we can use you on the helicopter right there oh god on the way to like kill some like evil villain in a hospital i'm just i'm just in the helicopter with a whole X-Men team. If it's like a longer ride on the X-Men jet, I'm just in there. I guess we can bring Ben. I don't even have a cool nickname, like Wolverine or Storm. I'm just like Ben. Storm, we need a hurricane to open up the hospital doors The weather starts to change Her eyes turn white

The doors Open up Wolverine We need you on the ground to take out the guards His claws come out Pathway Clear Ben

I'm like what's up No I'm like, what's up? No, I'm like on my phone. They're like, Ben. Is he? Ben. And somebody taps me on the shoulder. I'm like, oh, what's good?

We're going to land in five minutes. We need you to use your power. The jet's in the sky. The whole team's in there. The Cyclops is flying the plane. jets in the sky. The whole team's in there. The Cyclops is flying the plane. Turns on the stereo. I put some. I put sunglasses on like that's like my thing.

Oh, here it goes. Brace yourselves. Fast forward it to the 50 Cent verse. Everybody in the movie theater is like, oh my god, dude, this is the part on the previews. I'm still, I'm like dancing by myself in a jet on the way still. Wolverine's just waiting, Storm's waiting.

And then the whole team's like, oh! I didn't even know! And I'm like, just wait. Fast forward a little bit more. Swear to God. I swear to God. I don't care if it's a song I've never heard.

If they just produced it, wrote it, and recorded it, and sent it to my email and I listened to it, I'll know when all the gunshots are. The lamest superhero of all time. Next on X-Men. Well, yep, that's my brain Oh, what were we even talking about? Oh, clipping your toenails

Alright, I line back What's your 100% fuck no? Can't stand knives scraping the plate when people cut their food I kind of do that sometimes And I'm like, what's the bit? Like, obviously, if I like I'm not like, what's the bit like, and like, I obviously I'm like, if I like, I'm like, I'm not like, Oh my God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm always like, shut the grow up, dude. Like, like that's not going to happen. I never, I never get a

cringy with those sounds. Like when people like scratch the chalkboard and the whole class, I like half of the class would be like, and half of those people that they were just doing it because like they saw it on a movie i swear to god i i've never been affected by that like what what i'm like that's supposed to bother you and people act like the biggest bitches when like the mic gets too close to like the speaker and it's like everybody's like oh my god oh it's so funny watching everybody oh shit oh all right 100% fuck no. Lexi Madrid. Lose hair, dude.

I don't care when or how. Loose hair. Oh, shit. I thought she was talking about my beard. I was like, should I shave it? Loose hair. I don't care when or how. That's crazy coming from a girl, because girls are just...

Everything's all organized, clean, ready to go. Planned out for every... yep, we're good. Everything's nice and good and clean. I just cleaned everything. Everything's, oh, God, spick span in here. Open up the shower, shower ledge, hair nest. And they don't move it. What is that?

Wow, like, how can you do that Just got the chills And not like It's like taking a huge dump And then being like alright I'm out of here Without even flushing it down to me Same thing If you see someone shit you know everything about them

Yep done deal Yeah loose hair Loose hair is Unbelievable When you live with girls Any girl The shower drain clogs up in like Three weeks every time

Bang clockwork dude Three weeks The water's starting to Build up you know It's up to like build up you know like it's up to like your like your uh like your it's covering your ankle bones you're like what the fuck i always hate that moment because i was like all right i'm gonna have to clean out the shower drain soon worst worst household job oh just like yanking it out and like you pull out hair and it's like oh dude it's so much hair in there and it's like 10

feet long. You're like, am I a magician? Is this a magic trick? If I was a magician, instead of pulling handkerchiefs out of my sleeve it'd just be like 10 years of hair. Wet. One time I didn't want to

do that so bad, I paid my friend to do it. But instead of money, my mom was like, you guys can go get some Hardee's. She had like coupons. My friend was like, dog. And I was like, I know. Let's get some shakes. Oh my God. Nikki Cass is funny on Instagram.

Follow them. N-I-C-K-Y period C-a-s-s does like the italian dads he's nice with it good on tiktok too when the motorcycles park in a regular spot yeah it sucks like i'm to the point now where i'm like they're just doing it for a joke it's like such a running joke with motorcycles in like good spots and i'm like ah bitch like I don't even get mad anymore I'm just like but when a motorcycle makes any noise can't deal with it I'll literally just stop and walk inside I think I talk about it on every podcast I just want to tap every guy on a motorcycle on the shoulder and be like

Hey Why? Dead serious in the Dead pan face Why? Crying and shit Why? Why what?

Why is your motorcycle that loud Nah it's just Why Like give me a reason It's just Like give me a Like why I just want to know why

Motorcycle people Why Why Okay Why? Okay. Mark the shark, 919. 100% fuck no. When I lock my car and the beep sound sounds like it's saying,

dude. That's the most fried shit when you lock your car. Like when like the, you know You know when your washing machine's going and it sounds like lyrics of a song? You're like, I swear to God, my washing machine right now is saying, get me the charger, get me the charger, get me the charger. That ever happen to you? Oh my God, that's the most specific thing of all time. But when you hear a random noise and you think it sounds like a word, that's what this dude's saying.

Like when you lock your car and it's like, Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. Oh, that's the worst shit. But I do have a bad habit of locking my car like four times and getting into like a place and being like, oh shit, did I lock my car? That's like my next like habit I want to break is like, I locked it. I locked it. And then I don't have to think about it ever again. But I'm always like, and then i don't have to think about it ever again but i'm always like

and then i get inside i'm like oh or i just walk like 15 steps and i'm like did it 100% fuck no cooper robinson 3 people who go the speed limit or under in the left lane on the interstate. It's a damn overtaking lane. I swear I'm like that guy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for July. I'm sorry for going slow in the left lane.

I do it all the time and forget. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm 465. I'm sorry. I'm 65 North. I'm sorry. I can't think of any more road names because I'm stupid. I'm sorry. I've lived here for 25 years and I can only name two roads. I'm sorry. I do it every time. I just get in the left lane and I'm like, I'm going fast. And then like seven minutes later, I like, or no, seven seconds later, I'm like, what, where am I going again? I like start thinking of stuff and I like slow down automatically when I think of stuff. I can't do two things at once at all. I don't know what it is. People that can do two things at once should be like all put in another country. Cause I can't like, dude at work,

we had to enter stuff in at the computer and other people have to do it too. Or they're just like chilling because they have nothing to do. And they'll just talk to you. Like, I'm like trying to remember like, okay, this guy wanted this. He wanted that.

He didn't want that on there. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay. This guy, he said he wanted that. Like I write like trying to remember like, okay, this guy wanted this. He wanted that. He didn't want that on there. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, this guy, he said he wanted that. Like I write it all down, but it's still like a process to like put in. It's still like annoying. And sometimes you have a lot of shit to do. And there's always somebody chilling like right, like a foot away from you being like,

all right, so in this movie, I swear to God, like it's the funniest thing. Have you seen, I'm like, yo, no, I haven't seen it. And then they're like, all right, so this is what happens. I'm like, Oh, if the person hasn't seen the movie and you explain it anyway, cops, please. If the person hasn't seen the movie and you start explaining it anyway, 911, what's your emergency? Yeah, but I can't do two things at once. I just can't do it. I'm sorry for July.

Okay. Kaylee Couric. 100% fuck no. People's brats in the movie theater that take 20 minutes to open a bag of... Oh my god, I thought she meant actual brats. People's brats in the movie theater that take 20 minutes to open a bag of Skittles. Yeah, that's pretty like... But I kind of like that sound, you know?

When everything goes super quiet in a movie theater real quick and you can hear like, I'm like, oh, movie time, bitches. I'm so lame. I do. I love like hearing like a like someone drinking a Coke and the other person next to you like rifling through like a bag of like a milk duds. They're pouring it in their hand. I'm like, let's go. It is tight to go to a movie. Sometimes I said it. You ever been like super excited to go to a movie theater? Like, dude, it's, it might be. Yeah, it is. It's better than, uh, like when you know, you're going to go to a restaurant later and people are paying for it, it might be better than that. Because when you go to a restaurant at the end of a day, you know you're going out to eat.

You know it. The whole day you're like, no, I'm not going to eat that because I'm eating tonight. But a movie, when you're ready for a movie, dude, you know you're excited for a movie when you like go to the dollar store before you budget time to go to the dollar store and buy like snacks and shit and like hide them hey get a life everybody that does that seriously though i hate it when people are like they think they're like the smartest person in the world for buying popcorn at the movie theater putting the straw on the butter thing and letting it go to the bottom. I hate it when people talk about that. I'm like, dude, everybody knows. I like do it my own way with the butter than the popcorn at the movies. I'm like, dude, how's your fat ass eat the popcorn? Tell us so we can all get this over with.

We know Jeremy. 100% fuck no Gavin Bain okay that's something else number one fuck no Tobin 126 number one fuck no when your phone alarm rings every five minutes until you make the effort to go in and turn

it off I'm bad with that in the morning. If I lived like some... I've said this before, but like, I swear to God, I only get up because I think my roommate can hear my alarm go off. And if he can hear it go off like more... If he hears it like make noise more than three times, I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry.

And then there's some people that don't even react to it. I remember growing up, sleeping by five dudes in a living room, and my phone alarm would go off like 96 times, and no one would even know. I'd be like, okay. Snooze. I'm KOS, dude. King of snooze. Every single time.

You know what makes that first wave of noises, your alarm. It's like, do-da-da-do-do-da-da-do-do-do. If it makes a noise after that first wave, I've failed. I'm done. Kill me. I'm done. But if I can snooze it, like, right after the do-da-da-do-do-da-do-do-do-do snooze, I'm like, worked out pretty good.

Number one, fuck no. SH matters. When people cut up shit on their plates and you can hear the knife cut the plate. Oh my God, it makes my teeth hurt. I don't get that. It just sounds normal. It sounds like it's always happening to me. I hate when people are like, oh my god!

I'm like, I obviously didn't mean to. Like, chill, dude. They like look at you funny for like 10 minutes. I'm like, yo, I did not mean to like hurt your feelings by cutting this chicken. Colin.and, 100% fuck no. People who don't know what vibrate is on their iPhone. It is amazing when someone's phone makes a noise. Why is that like, or when somebody is like, like ripping through people's Instagram stories and it's like hi but oh hey guess what I'm like dude go to hell with that that's the most that 100% fuck no thing just rifling through your stories on full blast volume

like it's embarrassing. I get super embarrassed. Sometimes I've actually done it before. And, like, I'm always embarrassed. Like, damn, they probably, like, damn, they know I follow that dude. Sexy lady. Okay, here we go.

100% fuck no Heyo Mayo God What a name Imagine saying Hey what's your What's your Instagram

It's heyo mayo main Alright Okay Alright Call He said calling instead of texting. That's insane. There's this guy that I like wasn't really friends with that much in college that always used to call me when he could like, like, I'm not even homies with you.

Like, like my dad doesn't even call me. If my dad calls me, I'm like, holy shit. Oh my God. What happened? What happened? I don't even want to answer it. Cause it's going to be something so crazy. This guy would call me and be like, yo, uh, what are you doing tonight? And I'd be like, what? I have no fucking idea. Shut up. Before I call my, like, sometimes I really need to ask my, like someone, something I'll,

I'm always like, yo, you got time to talk talk it's just people in my family really like yo can you facetime because like it's it's so weird when somebody facetimes you out of the blue I'm like um the fuck are you doing right now and every time I'm facetiming someone like I'm not even paying attention. I'm just like, that's what I look like. Like, the whole thing's my chin. My chin? That's what I look like. Undescribably weird when someone just calls you all the time. What?

What? All right, that's 100% No If you guys have questions That you want to That you want to hear On this pod Let me know Cause I

Am open to everything I love interacting with you guys It's so funny to read Some of the stuff you guys do I was thinking about doing Like family traditions Next Cause everybody's got Like some weird family thing you do. Like you ever been to a family, you ever been to a wedding and there's some weird thing their family does.

And you're like, I'm going to just go to the bathroom. That stuff, family traditions. So weird. Oh, can we do this thing where we all say Ziggy Zog before we eat breakfast on St. Patrick's Day? Like, what? I just want to know. So, yeah, let's go viral. Viral. Viral. Viral.

Viral. Viral. Viral. Viral. Viral. Okay. Oh, my God. Viral. Okay. Oh, my God.

I hope no one wrecked their car. Oh, shit. Okay. okay dude half of my life is just signing into shit I'm so done I get so irritated when I have to sign into something I'm like how do you not know it I don't know any of my passwords

okay viral hashtag bad dinner table conversation i hate i struggle with this hard but telling somebody when they have uh food on their face like i don't know why when i have food on my face and somebody's like yo you got something there i'm like i hate you it always you can never get it on the first time either how come when there's a crumb on my face like it i'm like no it's still there no it's still there what Let me get it off.

Oh, my... Let me get it real quick. No! Dude, my sister used to just go in. When we were sitting at the dinner table, it'd be me and both my sisters and like every single thing i did she'd be like no and i'd be like oh like i remember one time my feet were on the outsides of the chair and she's like feet in front i was like what is how did you learn all this stuff what is what language is this how did i miss dude it was insane for like two years i was like i don't know i can't do this anymore i was like i i'd rather not eat it was crazy elbows in

back straight i was like what the fuck i was like is she the same person that i know i like thought i thought it was like a thing. Like my parents like paid her to do it. So I'd like have really good manners at the table. That's always a big thing in our family. Like it was insane when I was a kid. Like if I would, if I tried to eat at the table with my shirt off,

my mom would be like, no Benny. I'd be like, I don't want to get a shirt dirty for like this toast that I'm eating like really late at night. And she'd be like, get a shirt on. You don't eat for like this toast that I'm eating like really late at night. And she'd be like, get a shirt on. You don't eat shirtless at the table. We are not ragamuffins.

My mom's favorite insult. You ragamuffin. I was like, mom, it's a granola bar. Not at the table with your shirt off. No, put a shirt on before you take it. No, no, before you take a sip, put your shirt on, bitty. No, put a shirt on before you take a... No, no, before you take a sip, put your shirt on, bitty. Hashtag, you're too young for me if...

I was hanging out with a girl one time. I knew I was old when I was like, did you ever play that on N64? And she was like, what's that? And I was like damn N64 she's like is that a fighter jet N64

I was like I got like hot alright later I got like hot. I gotta. All right, later. Hashtag the first video game I played. I didn't have video games at my house growing up because my dad was like a drill sergeant. But for some reason, my grandma won like a Super Nintendo and that was such a draw to go to my grandma's house. She had a Super Nintendo And That was such a draw

To go to my grandma's house She had a Super Nintendo It was like definitely old school shit But we were still like we've never played video games Whatever Like I got excited to play like my grandma's handheld poker game That was on her coffee table So I was like oh my god is this a video game

You could have given me anything But she had Aladdin on on that super nintendo this song a lot of people had this aladdin game like i always talk about this aladdin game because it's like the way i grew up it's like my whole like childhood is this aladdin video game and i like people are like oh yeah i played game. It was the hardest game. No, not Aladdin sex scene, even though I kind of want to see it again.

Uh, Aladdin. This. This, this, this, this, this. This, this, this, this, this song in my head 24-7. This game. These noises. Do you know a game that, if you played that game, DM me. We need to talk.

The most important thing I've ever said on this podcast. If you know this, if you know what this is. Oh, that. These noises. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Barama. Barara. J.J. Barara.

And another shot made by Gar J.J. J.J. Barara. J.J. Barara. And another shot made by Gar JJ JJ Barrera What the hell Is that even a person Yes it is Played for the Mavericks Yep JJ Barrera

But yeah that game Changed my life That game Changed my life Alright alright alright And I, that game changed my life. All right. All right. All right.

All right. God, I always used to go to my, uh, my neighbor's house. I talk about my neighbor so much on this podcast. I would just think if he listened, but I always used to go over there because they had a PlayStation and it was like, it was like area 51 to me going to this kid's house. PlayStation parents were like upstairs. we could just like chill and i was like wait we don't have to like cut the grass every 10 minutes or something this dude had playstation and i would just be like drooling looking at this i was like you can just play this all day he'd be like hell yeah i'd be like oh but that was the only other video game i could play jesse's house dude jesse's house that

was my neighbor jesse i used to go to his house every single minute i'd ride my bike over there so much cool shit and then one day i ruined it we could do anything at his house dope food he food. He would just get, his dad would be like, what do you guys want from Wendy's? And I'd be like, oh my God. So tight. One time, dude, one time I fucked up. Like, you know when you get in trouble at somebody else's house and their parents yell at you and you're like, this is weird. That happened.

One time me and Jesse were like playing laser tag it was like my laser tag i got for christmas and i like brought it over because i was like yeah this is gonna be tight as hell and he's like yeah dude bring it over the laser tag he's like hyped to do it and i was like yes someone's excited and we can like run around your house and he has like a basement so we could like, you know, like hide behind shit. Something happened and like, we started like wrestling around and shit. You know how you like wrestle around and I fucking bit him. Of course, like that, like we'd wrestle around and I'd punch him. He'd punch me. Like we'd hit each other with pillows And I'd be like oh he's not hurt Hell yeah you know when your friend is like tough

He'd like We'd like just like just mess around forever And one time I bit him I fucking bit him And he like that was like it He was like He like got really fucked up over it I was like dude just chill like I didn't like I bit you

But like Explaining biting someone to someone Like I bit you but like it's not that big of a deal dude like you've never been bit no and he went like I was like oh my god don't tell your parents I'll tell your parents I'll tell your parents I'll tell your parents because I was like then their parent his parents will probably tell my parents but it would be like nothing new to my parents like that's the one thing I wouldn't get in trouble for with my parents. They'd be like, oh, you bit him? Give him the shit. That was like a tactic growing up for me to like get out of like,

like people would always pin me when I was a kid. Like my dad, my sisters, and I'd always bite him. Because I'd be like, I can't breathe. So I just bite him. So it was like normal. That's like super psycho, I bet. But I, and I was like, don't tell your parents. And he went downstairs like super like I bet but I I and I and I was like don't tell your parents and he went downstairs like super like mopey like fuck you and I was like oh my god he's gonna do it and I was

I was sitting on his parents bed because that's that's so weird but that's like where we were like playing and he went downstairs and he goes mom and he's like she's like what honey and i was like oh my god he's gonna do it and he was like he goes like this he goes ben beat me it was like the biggest tease of all time he's like ben freaking beat me and i was like oh and he's like but he just said bit wrong then he was like ben bit me and i was like damn it i like the chances i was like does he know i'm listening but he's and she was like what and i was like oh now he's gonna say it again it was like super weird and then i had to make that walk downstairs like awkward hey guy like he was like watching tv and his mom was like in the kitchen and i was like

walked downstairs like after like i was up there for like 15 minutes like what do i do so i walked downstairs and i was like what's up yeah i'm the guy that bites i guess now there's like blood running down my chin I'm like nothing happened it was it wasn't that serious yeah but that's Jesse's house still the dude and like for Christmas they would straight up decorate everything in their house I'm talking everything was so Christmassy literally I helped them get ready for Christmas one year because I was like ah yeah I should definitely do that because I'm like over there all the time it's time to like pay my dues literally their toilet seat was red leather and had a Christmas Bugs Bunny stitched on it that's how Christmassy

they were dude going over to that house before Christmas it was a it was seriously a fucking wonder they had a calendar and like each day leading up to Christmas, there's pockets and they would put candy and little presents in there. I was like, you guys get presents every day before school, you motherfucker. Anyway. Hashtag best way to win me over. Do something dumb I love a person that does something stupid don't you just love that somebody that does something

dumb that you're like oh yeah definitely done that before I feel like I'm so on their level I love a I love a girl that's like just like she's like on her shit you know but like just does something dumb and you're like oh wow okay you're human you know i love a turn the wrong way when i'm going home bitch and you're like where the hell are you going she's like oh my god you're like yeah yeah that's so whack Okay let's do days Quick quick

Tuesday National Take a hike day I don't know what's wrong with me But like I've been talking recently And my throat's been like Nope

Like in between a word It'll just like cut out like a record skips. Like, did you hear it? I was like, take a day. I hate that when I'm talking to somebody in my voice box skips, I'm like,

Hey, uh, what happened? National homemade bread day. Ooh, dude. And when, and when anybody makes banana bread

In love Right when someone says They make me banana bread I'm like no no no no no Let me see it Let me see it And they're like Why is foil always covering it

And it's in like a tin, like brown, like beet to shit, like pan. Right when they pull the foil back, this. Damn it. Damn it And they're like look Pull back the foil Pull back the foil And then you can like kind of smell And the bread's like kind of like wet on top

When anyone makes me banana bread This part right here When anyone makes me banana bread. This part right here. We're accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally in love.

Accidentally in love. I hate this. And you're like, thanks for doing that. Oh my God. While you're eating it. Spreading peanut butter on it. Your roommate walks in, you're like, What's up, man? We're watching a game tonight? Move a little faster

Come on, come on Alright Why is that so good? Banana bread with peanut butter on it Banana bread with chocolate chips Banana bread is just so fire. It's always when bananas get turned into something else. Banana flavored candy? Disgusting.

Banana flavored pudding. I love you. So weird. Yeah, but banana bread. Smack my ass and call me Becky national carbonated beverage with caffeine day oh wow why wouldn't they just say like

soda day wasn't allowed to have like any carbonation growing up Thank you Because damn dog Imagine going to a restaurant And being like can I have a diet coke I'd be like Are you a 50 year old mom

I could never have it Growing up so I don't want anything to do with it now Dude we didn't even have like real hot dogs growing we had 99 fat-free hot dogs growing up and I just thought that's like how they tasted and honestly I went to Jesse's and I had a real hot dog for the first time and I felt sick for like I like threw up on his couch I was like All right, that's shot 133. No, that was tight. That was tight.

That was tight. Thank you guys for listening. Thanks for listening, guys. Thanks for DMing me, hitting me up. Remember to follow on Twitter Instagram Cameo Request a Cameo Haven't had one in a while Those are fun

Hit me up if somebody Like if it's somebody's birthday If somebody just like Got a cool job or something Like and you want a little shout out If you want me like to talk Like Johnson here Or

Shalde Or Coach Racco Or just any Anybody I could be that dad that's in Rosetta Stone let me know I'll send you a dope cameo

but yeah thanks for listening seriously I always say that but like I'm dead ass serious when people say they listen to my podcast, I like it. It's so dope. Rate, review, subscribe. Honestly, please. It really helps.

And I'll talk to you guys next week. FM. If everybody had a notion Across the USA Then everybody be certain, like California.