Espresso - 1st time you saw a thong

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

girls burping | did you let one? | embarrassing moments 2 | lost a snake IN THE HOUSE

Shot 121. You must leave first. Before you move. That's what everybody, that's what every single person sounds like when I ask them something and they have a mask on. Right here. What's up, man? Hey, what's up, dude? I haven't seen you in a while.

How you doing? You must leave first. Before you move. What'd you say, dude? You must leave first before you move. And then I'm like, oh God, I have to ask him three times.

You ever been to the point where you can't hear somebody so much that you almost ask them to write it down? Then I'm always like, one more time, bro. I really can't. I did not hear you. I'm seriously deaf.

I'm deaf. I need subtitles in real life. And I'm like, just say it one more time. Mask off. Just like, please. I cannot hear you. If I don't understand you this time, I'm fleeing the country. And right when they're about to say it, this ice cream truck goes past us.

What? What'd you say? What'd you say? What'd you say? And we both started eating ice cream and doing sign language. Yeah. It just turns into a little dance off in front of an ice cream truck. Okay, now.

Got the choco taco. Got the cinnamon swirl. I do this all night. Yeah. With the creams to coat. That was actually hard. Okay, that wasn't hard at all, but you know what I'm saying? Like hard for not knowing anything. Except ice cream. All right, so what's up? So shows were hot all last weekend.

If you went out to the shows at Helium with Trevor Wallace, Michael Blaustein, and me, thank you. Because they were off the chain. Especially the late shows. That's just like rule of thumb. Like for comedy, the late shows are always crazy as hell. So if there's ever two shows in a night Go to the second one

But It was good Thanks for coming out Five sold out shows I love you guys For real It was such a fun weekend Oh my god

Just clowning with those dudes In the green room Is like half the Fun I've never really done a show With comedians Like my age In a crowd like my age

It's always like a guy in like a button down With jeans on and like leather shiny shoes And I'm like I got nothing man Like even if you're hilarious Like we're not the same We're not the same age You're gonna talk about like your diet

Like I don't give a shit But we just got along so well We'd like come up with jokes and stuff In between shows and be like Oh my god these are two systems I don't give a shit. But we just got along so well. We'd come up with jokes and stuff in between shows and be like, oh my God, that is fire, that's fire. And we'd go out to the crowd and say it, and they'd be like, no. Then you could hear somebody in the green room like. But it's funny to see your friends bomb on something that you thought was so funny,

and the crowd was like, not really, though. I don't know what he's talking about. Because you're like, we worked on that in So Fire, and the crowd's like, no. Yeah, but it was really fun. Damn, I love doing comedy with a dope-ass group of dudes. There's really nothing better than that. thank you for coming out that was so much fun and I've got more shows

coming up but more importantly we're back on Apple Podcasts baby yeah Apple Podcasts and Spotify Espresso with Ben Polizzi is now on there so you don't have to sit on YouTube all day we're on We're good

I uploaded shot 105 through 110 Last night I'll upload shot 110 Through 115 Tonight And we'll just keep it rolling But I'm hyped Thank god you guys don't have to go on YouTube anymore That's so stupid

I'm gonna keep putting them on there though Just cause like maybe people like it I don't know know. Let me know if you like it. And eventually like soon we're going to just do the whole video on there. Yeah. And Ashley's like, what the fuck took so long? Sorry, Ashley. Um, we were in quarantine. Yeah, sure. That's like what everyone says about everything. It's such an excuse. Okay. We'll just shut up, Ashley. But yeah, coming soon on Instagram TV and YouTube. Espresso podcast video. even though I'm not even like talking about this anymore, people just randomly keep sending me their DM in me. They're a most embarrassing stories growing up. So we're going to keep doing those and we're going to do it right now.

Okay, here we go. Most embarrassing moments growing up. This is from Melissa Haley, seventh grade wearing sweats. And I got pants by a boy in front of my entire middle school church camp damn man what a guy oh my god to do that to a girl though like ultimate crucifixion after that literally because it was in front of a church camp like 80 people were at the camp and i was wearing a thong oh my god seventh grade thong okay whoa the first time any guy

saw a girl wearing a thong was that just like the most breaking news of all time like for years if you're the first girl to wear a thong like you set the tempo for the rest of your life with guys with guys you grew up with like guys will never forget that like girls might not forget when a guy like asked them out guys will never forget the first girl that wore a thong they're like oh Every time I saw a girl wearing a thong I'd be like Does she do her own laundry That and weed socks When guys just like had weed socks

I'd be like Does their mom have eyes I started doing my own laundry When I was younger just because like My mom would always put shit in the washer and it like would ruin the whole laundry. Like we used to do our clothes together. Like I'd have like I had dark clothes and my mom would have dark clothes and we just wash them together just like save water and shit. I don't know, I guess.

And my mom would honestly have like two pairs of pants along with all my stuff and in both pairs of pants would be like 96 pens and lipsticks and one time all that shit got all over my clothes and i was like that's it i'm doing my own laundry so that's the only reason i started doing my own laundry besides the fact that i just wore G-strings and weed socks around the house all the time. Zippity-doo-dah, zippity-day. Just in a purple G-string and weed socks up to my knees. Zippity-doo-dah, eat lunch right away. I just have a cheese sandwich, two pieces of white bread with a slice

With a Kraft single in between Zippity do da Zippity day High as shit Zippity do da Yeah Guys in weed socks like Can your legs be skinnier?

Guys in weed socks Always have bed head. Yeah, but first thong. Oh my God. The first thong you saw? It doesn't even make sense. Or it was always the girl that you didn't want to have a thong, you know? Like that girl's kind of weird, but her ass is popping.

Okay. Spangy 007. Ripped my pants in front of the entire class and had Spongebob whitey tighties on. Oh, shit. It's just so stupid how like whitey tighties are such a thing i swear to god i wore whitey tighties until i was like 20 that just felt good it just felt right you know i don't care i do now but i don't care and i wasn't 20. I was like 19. Whitey tighties.

SpongeBob ones. Okay, here we go. Tried not to cough during the iStep test, but instead farted in front of the whole auditorium. Stephanie Rain. If that was from a guy i'd be like sweet but since it's from a girl it's like oh god when girls fart it's just the end of the universe how much pressure you know are are do girls have i don't understand that.

Like, I know that's like the most talked about thing of all time with women, but like, girls eat the most farty foods. Oh my God, breadsticks, cheese. Oh my God, coffee. Oh my God. Oh my God, Avocado egg toast. Like you guys have to just, what is this podcast about?

Every single week I just rip ass into this mic, but seriously, it's crazy. You guys don't, girls don't fart. They're just like redirect their farts and they're just like, girls will burp. Girls are not shy about burping ah excuse me

and the girls will be so shocked too they'll be like ah oh my god they'll like make sounds with it me me mop that's what my i swear to god my mom both my sisters growing up they'd burp but they'd say me me mop me me mop and they'd be like excuse me i'm like you can't excuse yourself after you make like a monster noise me me mop dude me me mop excuse me like all right. Let me rip ass into a tuba. Excuse me.

Like, you can't just amplify your bodily functions and say excuse me after that. Me, me, me, me, mop. And some girls are like That was a good one Girls burp This is a girl Hold on Hold on. No, no.

This is a girl. Opens a Diet Coke. Takes a sip. And always does this. After the sip. Is there three seconds later can you feel that oh shit dude no way hold on hold on

can you feel that? Inner stomach. Ah, shit. There's something coming up. Just a second. Excuse me. I'll have to be excused. Just a minute.

Oh, ah! All her friends are like, Jessica! Oh my god! She's like, what? It's just a little burp. Oh my god, there it goes again. I can't stop burping. Oh my god. This is a very, very fizzy diet. Drowning deep in the pit of my stomach,

I just had a diet coke. It almost made me throw up. When I can't even breathe anymore, every time I suck in more air.

I just keep burping, and I can't help it Excuse me All of them are ten out of ten Violently un-changed Law of the term And I don't care I'm gonna start making words out of

Them M-m-m-m-m-m-mops We don't win on the meme If they see mops We don't win on the meme Oh my god If this isn't the most fried podcast Ever In the world Every time a girl takes a drink podcast ever in the world. Every time a girl takes a drink of anything carbonated.

Oh my god. She's like, hey honey, can you pick up a 24 pack uh diet mountain dew at the store the husband's like sure thing she like looks over to her left shoulder and has this weird grinch smile i would always do the wackest shit though like if I was about to fart when I was a kid My mom would get so mad Oh my god

I'd always be like Snapping my fingers and like doing some quick dance Then I'd like throw up an orange Into the air Like I'd grab an orange out of like our fruit basket And my mom would be like into it She'd be like oh he's dancing He's dancing he's going

And I'd like throw an orange up into the air and right when i caught it and landed in my head she gets so mad like totally shocked like like i would just i dance for two minutes for absolutely no reason my mom would be like mirroring me dancing too and throwing orange up in the air right when it touches my palm oh my god we do not do that i was like we just dance for two minutes oh shit all right we're gonna keep going we literally danced with each other for two minutes, and now you're screaming at me because of what? What happened? You let one. That's another thing. My family called that let one.

Ew. What's gross? Is it the actual action or, Benny, did you let one? I was like, what is that short for, let one go? I never knew how to explain that. My friends would be at my house for six hours and someone in my family would forget that my friends were there and be like, ew, who let one? I'd be like, oh, that's weird family wording that

you don't understand. I wish I had a disclaimer for them. Like, hey, let one means rip ass in my house. So just roll with it i wish i could like freeze time and say that who let one everybody's family has a different like word for fart like this girl growing up her family said putt can you imagine your dad being walking in the kitchen like Who the fuck putt Who putt Huh Who putt putt

We going putt putt tonight No we're not Never going putt putt again That ass Golly Putt He like talks about farting on his pod I don't care

He talks about furting on his podcast I hate the word fart You know Did you Fluffy Oh my god my cousins called it Fluffy. Jake, did you Fluffy? Like, that's too much funny things going on there.

Like that noise, the embarrassment, and then someone calling him out and asking him if he Fluffy'd. That's so funny. Me, me mop. All right. This is from Melon Hard. B Melon Hard. Leon Hard. I don't know what the hell his name is.

Broken nose with two black eyes and a nose cast for picture day sophomore year don't you think the school would just be like hey yo come back like in a couple months like we don't need it asap how about like when uh the pictures came out and they laid them on the cafeteria school table that's what they did at my high school. Like picture day, cool. But the turnaround was quick. Like we got our pictures like two days after we dropped. They're like, we took them.

And they put all of them, like the whole lunch period, like, I don't know, 90 people in high school that all talk shit about each other behind each other's backs on the same thing. So while you're looking for your pictures, you're just looking through just the people with just the stupidest faces of all time, just dimples and glasses and the wettest foreheads ever. And you're just like,

Oh God. Oh, how about when you actually took good pictures for once? You're like, yeah, what? It happened like once out of every eight years. And you're like, actually, I don't mind that.

I always look so red in every picture. How come I always think the photographer is going to bring out a rubber duck every time I take a picture? I'm like, fuck. Time to fake laugh at this guy. Yeah, but that was super embarrassing. School pics. Dude, my parents never bought us school pictures. Every time we had school pictures, my mom was like, hell no.

Because they were so expensive. Remember that? They were so expensive. I have school pictures from first grade in senior year in high school everything in between nope no evidence that i even was educated but was he my mom was like 40 bucks for pictures you don't even like no so we do like have picture day clothes on but i wouldn't be getting the pictures so i like didn't care what i wore that day like a brown polo polo every year no idea what else to wear what do you wear to school every day when it's not picture day a polo

what do you wear on picture day a polo that's a little different j Jill Reed. I had a rumor go around that I did anal with a guy and shit on his dick. And it got around to our rivalry high school. So when we played them in basketball a few days later, the rivalry changed their student section theme to a brownout in honor of me. Yeah, there always is that girl in high school that's like the anal girl. Hate to say it, but yep. Just like thong girl,

in a few years, there's always anal girl. Can't escape that one. Especially guys. Girls might be able to walk that one off like the friends of anal girl might be able to like walk that one off like the friends of anal girl might it might be able to like shake that one off guys never forget you could ask a 80 year old guy what his phone number is and he'd be like uh let's see here here you go but if you're like who's a girl who did anal ah jessica before you even get done asking Who was a Jessica?

Actually, is Thong Girl and Anal Girl the same girl? Yes It goes hand in hand or Cheek in cheek Oh god, Johnson's here Oh lordy lordy Guess who's 40 Alright, here we go Robin Raps

Robin Raps My neighbor peed on me in my front yard During 7th inning stretch Of a wiffle ball game Oh god, man. We used to do this thing. What time is it? I might have to go.

Yeah, I gotta go. Shit. All right. See you guys soon. Okay. I had to go to work. Now I'm back. And now it's

late night spress. So remember to call 1-800- And one more time, that is the Espresso. Remember to call 1-800... And one more time, that is the Espresso Late Night Hotline. 1-800... Alright, let's keep going. Okay, here we go. Robin Raps.

What did he say? My neighbor peed on me in the front yard during a seventh inning stretch of our wiffle ball game. Peed on him. That's pretty embarrassing, but, you know, probably more embarrassing for the guy that peed on you. Honestly. God, we used to do this thing where, like, we'd be taking a shower and it'd just be all dudes in the shower and someone would always be peeing on someone, but you couldn't tell because the water was hitting them. And the guy would just be taking a shower,

you know when you're putting shampoo in your hair with your eyes closed, and they'd just be like, and somebody would just be peeing on his leg at the same time. Okay. No, we never did anything like that, actually. Here we go, Gina Lynn.

I used to say orgasm instead of organism and always wondered why people giggled. Damn. Every time I saw the word organism in a science book, I was like, I can't

believe I didn't say that. When you're reading out loud, God. There's always one kid in everybody's class that can't pronounce't pronounce anything and you're like oh god I hope they pick him when they pick them like four of your friends look at each other and you're like oh they were in for a treat that's so mean but like usually the kid that can't read like knows he can't read and he's like in on the joke that's how ours was anyway dude the could the kid who couldn't read he'd volunteer to read he was so down so tight we're like bro bro raise your hand raise your hand or just like get around to him dude one time he had to pronounce the word sphinx and it was

like we all saw it coming and he didn't we're like oh bro if he gets this paragraph, oh, Spanx is in there. It took him like nine tries. He's like, he just looked at the teacher and he was like, he just went two hands up and was like, are you serious right now? Like, you're going to give me this paragraph? I think he just went with like Spanx. And we were all like. I hate every time I mess up a word when I'm reading, like it'll be like characteristics and I'll be like characteristics. And then I'll be like, characteristics,

characteristics. I hate when I do that. I like mock myself and I'm like, isn't it crazy? I just said it like that guys. Are you serious? Look at me, look at my face right now. How funny was that? I'm so stupid. Anyway, now that I'm 100% smarter, the word is characteristics. Right. How dumb was I before this? I hate that moment. It's like automatic. I have to do it. Can you believe I said that? Oh my God. Right? The real word is, now that I'm in my smart mind frame, characteristics. Okay, here we go.

Nate J. Woodard, 23. As a freshman, I didn't think I had enough time to go to my locker in between classes. For sure. Me too. I still don't think I do. So I would carry all my books by hand. God, I did that. We could take our backpacks in the classroom.

So while carrying them all with both hands, some dude shucked my pants, deep pants me in the hallway. I was wearing whitey tighties. Everybody was, man. It wasn't weird. Everybody had whitey tighties. It's so stupid. Oh, God, they look so bad from the back. Was it weird? Everybody had whitey tighties. That's so stupid.

Oh, God, they look so bad from the back. Especially from the back. White, pale legs and a bubble ass with a bunch of books in your hand. God, but seriously, that was so frustrating. Getting to your class on time. I was the most freshman of all time. I had an accordion binder when I was a freshman. We had to have those in like eighth grade.

Oh my God, that was a nightmare. I brought it back into high school and I was like, this worked last year. Shucked my pants. Everybody was just getting deep pants when they were kids. We used to do that

when we were at like house parties. God, can you imagine? In front of all the people you see every single day. All right, well, there goes that secret. Here's a long one. Katie Robb. Freshman year of high school, sitting in class and got my period

while wearing the lightest wash of jeans. Only realized that after a walk from first period to second period, I had to tie my sweatshirt on my waist. Nice. I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. She said no. I asked again. She said no. Sit down.

I looked at her and said, would you like to see the period mess I'm dealing with or can I go to the bathroom? So needless to say, I went to the bathroom and there was no saving those jeans I went to the nurse to call my older sister bringing me a change of clothes she brought me pants like the great sister she is except there were probably jeans I'd worn like five years earlier so they didn't fit I had to walk around with barely buttoned pants all day a hot muffin top and a sweatshirt tied around my waist to cover the muffin top it was the longest day ever i apologize anyone in the halls of east hampton high who witnessed the atrocity that day damn the muffin top really just got me that period thing happened to like every girl huh i didn't know that was that common. Hot muffin top. Muffin top.

Did we name all of our gross body parts the cutest shit? Oh, there's a bone almost popping through his neck. That looks really disgusting. Let's call it Adam's apple. Oh my God, that guy's hips are disgusting. Look how far they go out. Let's call them saddlebags. Okay, that one's gross are disgusting. Look how far they go out. Let's call them saddlebags. Okay, that one's gross.

What else is there? Oh, that thing in the middle of your stomach that was connected to your mom when you were inside her? It's disgusting. Now let's call it a belly button. It's really belly buttons are so gross. Ew, there's stuff in them. Walk Chandler. My name is Walk Chandler.

My name is Walker Chandler, and one day in English, for some reason, our teacher had us go around and start saying our first and last names with the first syllables of each switched around. It was from then on I became known as Cocker Wandler. Cocker. Cocker!ler Cocker Cocker Hey cock

Come here cock Oh shit Music chick zero zero I wet my pants in second grade reading circle Had to go home Dressed in something from the pee pee closet Ah P pee pee closet. Ah, pee pee closet.

That just ruined everything for me. I remember I peed my pants in like kindergarten though. I had to go so bad. God, I remember one time I had diarrhea or something and I was just trying to play it so cool. I had to walk to the bathroom from my fifth grade homeroom class, and I was walking like the biggest idiot down the hallway. People were probably like, oh my God, is he imitating someone? Are you trying not to step on the cracks?

I was like, it's like the longest walk of all time. That's a real walk of shame hooking up with someone you're not proud of and having to walk all the way back to your apartment wearing the stuff you wore the night before not the walk of shame walking like an ape to the bathroom because you're holding in diarrhea that's the walk of shame. Is he trying not to step on the cracks? Is he going to break his mom's back if he steps on the cracks? No.

Or his whitey tighties about to be full of shit? Yes. That's the walk of shame. Okay, here we go. Another one. Max Huber. okay here we go another one max huber when we were watching a video about blood in the pulmonary system i snuck out to the bathroom and straight up fainted i woke up on the floor in the bathroom with a huge bump on my head and everyone stares at me as i walk back to class they ended up making me go to the hospital how come everybody that faints during those blood videos

automatically becomes a nurse after that? Like everybody that pass, there's so many people that pass out during those. Ew. I definitely would. But all those people are always like, yeah, I think I'm going to go to nursing school next year. Okay, here we go.

Too many shit stories. I'm done talking about shit okay here we go when i was in seventh grade i shit my pants i'm just kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding all right for real isabel my skirt got stuck in my book bag and I was wearing a thong. Here we go. I walked all the way from the parking lot to my first period class. I only noticed when I sat down the seat felt colder than usual. The thong is so risky. Like a girl will cautiously check her waistband every 10 seconds to make sure her thong isn't out, but a guy will just lift up the front of his shirt to wipe his forehead, and his whole gut's like,

eh. No, but seriously. Guys don't even care. You're just like, hey, whoa, Jesus Christ. I didn't even ask. I didn't ask to see your belly button that I could fit a whole boxing glove in. Okay, here we go. Ashley Alonzo.

We were in PE and I was too confident in my sneeze and all my boogies. God, the way you guys talk. All my boogies came out and they were hanging from my nose. And the only person I saw was some kid I liked. Never told anyone that story until now. Yeah, I remember one time Chiller sneezed all over his desk, and his desk was just, like, glossy. I was like, ah.

I feel that. There's always the people in school, though, that never do anything embarrassing. And I'm like, can you guys get a personality? Please. For me. I think every single day I was like, oh God! There's always people that were just like, uh-uh, not me, not getting embarrassed. Like, are you guys robots or what? Okay, Jess Chernin. okay just churning i bit into a piece of caramel in sixth grade and it glued my mouth shut they basically had to waterboard me in the nurse's office and scrub with a toothbrush and let it melt away to get it out but my mouth was completely glued shut in the middle of class. I had to ask the teacher to go to the nurse.

Oh my God. Imagine asking your teacher that. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Excuse me? Will you say English words? You know how teachers are. They're flabby triceps. Will you point where you need to go?

She can open her mouth. That's me every time I eat milk duds in the movie theater i'm like this is good this is good for you wow i always think some shit like that's gonna happen to me like you ever super glued your fingers together and you're like well those are never coming apart again or what's one thing where it's always like the biggest shock ever? Oh, like when you put your arm in between like two things. I've done that so many times and I'm like, I'm never moving from this spot again. Like one time I tried to, my dumb ass, dude. One time I was in Florida and my grandma had this like gate into her like front yard. It had like spaces in it.

And I was like, I'm going to try to see if I can slip through the gate without like unlocking it. like instead of turning the door handle. I was like, I wonder if I can like james bond through this gate That's like my whole entire life is trying to be james bond So I tried to slip through it and I got my head stuck in it for like two hours And I just had to wait for somebody else to get home like we were on a walk or a bike ride or something And I like beat to wait for somebody else to get home. Like we were on a walk or a bike ride or something and I like beat everybody. I was like, so yeah, I beat everybody home so I could just like chill. And I got my head stuck in a door. God damn it.

I deserve that. Okay. Ryan Burton once went for a high five in fifth grade and my friend moved his hand and I got a whole handful of the teacher's boob. Didn't know what to do so I just stared at her with my hand there and she told me to go sit down.

That is so embarrassing. Because like every time you look at your teacher after that, like that's all you guys think about. Touch my teacher's boob. Every single time they look at each other from the rest of their lives. Remember when you touch your boob? That's what the teacher thinks. The kid?

Yep. You just touch my tits? Sit your ass down, Ryan. You just touched my tits? Sit your ass down, Ryan. Courtney Heinekamp. Drove into my driver's ed building. The worst driver ever.

That's so dumb, dude. Did you pass? Absolutely not. Did you pass? Um... Absolutely not. Did you get your license? Actually, no, I got put in jail. Oh my god, dude. The most fail of all time. And we're back! Just put it in park.

Oh, glad you made it back safe. This is so funny. John White, freshman year high school, had a pimple on my ass cheek, so took a picture of my ass in the mirror to see if it was ready to pop. This is so personal. Next day at school, upperclassmen stole my flip phone,

looked at my pictures, and showed everyone my ass shot great way to start high school what a nightmare zit on the ass first of all the worst the picture of him like turned around and everybody saw that like he was just taking a picture of his ass, like, to send to somebody, but he was really just looking for the zit. Oh, my God, John White. Nice ass, John. Hey, nice ass, John White. You must really love it, huh?

Taking ass pics at school. Nice ass. Nice ass. Nice ass. Alright, I don't want to read that one. Hayden Horderman. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts, and when I was in second grade, I thought I was having a reaction at school,

so I had an EpiPen. My teacher was going to use it on me, but she was holding it the wrong way, and you're supposed to stab it in the thigh and inject while her thumb was on the needle of it. When she went to stab me, the needle went into her thumb and the medicine went all into her thumb and she almost had to get her thumb amputated. Oh my God. And all in all, I was just freaking out and wasn't even having an allergic reaction. After all, I almost costed my second grade teacher a thumb for nothing. Damn.

How do you see a needle and be like, okay, yeah, that's fine. All right, that's it for those. Most embarrassing moments. Thanks for sending those in. But I'll keep doing those embarrassing moments what was the last thing i did oh crazy stuff your parents did yeah we'll keep doing them but thanks for sending those in for real that's like a big help and it makes this show awesome so thank you all right what else let's go viral okay hashtag makes me homesick

makes me homesick what makes me homesick when I was in uh LA forever last year not forever it seemed like forever what was it oh dude the weather there and it was so nice every day in LA it was unbelievable I was like can I be depressed it was. It never rained. It didn't rain one time. I was there for like four months. It didn't rain once. I was like, I just want to be pissed off for one day. Every day in LA, same exact thing. Can I feel something? Please.

Hashtag back to school in five words. I really hate the smell. God, the first day you walk into school I'm like, oh, this is what it smells like. The smell of stuff will just drive me insane. Like the smell of something you hate and you keep smelling it every day and you're just like, fuck that smell.

Like when you walk into work, like you don't smell it anywhere else, but like when you walk into work, that specific like, you're like, oh, specific like you're like that was school for me okay let's do days Friday National Power Rangers day man I acted like I was a Power Ranger until I was like 15 I used to like sing songs about him. I'd be like, the red one is the fastest. The green one is the smartest. The black one knows karate and the yellow and the pink ones are the girls. Oh my God. I think I was a Power Ranger for Halloween one year and it was so sick. Yeah, I was. I think I was. No, I can never have good Halloween costumes because my mom was not doing that oh you know I know it was my like friends we had like weird family friends that would like babysit me sometimes and I'd go over to their house and they we'd like do the

weirdest shit when we were kids and like dress up and they had Power Ranger costumes and I was like my mouth was like watering over them i was so deprived of shit when i was a kid but also in that same house that was like the house that were like their parents were like super cool and let their kids have anything which was crazy to me and they had a snake and it got lost in the house a real snake not a fake snake a real like it wasn't a rattlesnake but you know what i mean like it was in the house somewhere so i was super scared to go like and i heard about it so like you're going to their house today and i was like great there's there's literally a loose snake in their house and like i would never go to the bathroom they'd be like why don't you just go to the bathroom

maybe like can you take me like I'm gonna get bit by a snake even if I was this age I'd be like I'm not going to the bathroom in this house there's a snake somewhere ew man how do you sleep knowing there's a loose snake in your house how do you sleep how do you sleep? Oh, oh. No, their name, their name, they're our family friends. Their last name, I don't even know if I should say this, the Blanchards. I can't believe I said that. But like, this is what I would say to them if I was that age. Oh, there's a loose snake in your house?

No way. Yeah. We're're gonna find it you sure yeah but until you find it what are you gonna do oh we'll just probably just do our normal normal life stuff why why do you ask no i was just i was just wondering like uh you know you're not you're not gonna scare scared at night that the snake's going to suffocate you? No. What do you ask? I was really just wondering. And they're like, their heads tilt a little bit.

Yeah? Go ahead. Say it. Yeah, I was really just wondering. I'm just singing my ass off in their living room and they're like oh honey like wait wait wait how long have you how long when's the last time you saw the snake and they're like I don't know why you keep asking us these questions probably like I don't know, 365 days ago. And I just... Oh, oh, I want to go home. Go here now.

Since you've seen the snake, I think your family's crazy. How do you, how do you sleep with a snake in your house? I saw it at my house. I'm very suspicious. I want to leave this house immediately. Oh, my God. Every time I see a snake now. Oh, I want to go home. I want to go home.

I want to go home. That song's a banger. I mean, it's okay. Okay, so... And then we got National Bowtie Day. I don't know about bowties. Guy in a bowtie? What do you think? I'm always like,

bow ties, ties and bow ties are the weirdest things to me. They seem so like, you should be smoking a cigarette on a stick too. Yeah, I'm going to Bow ties, man. In the 1870s. Like I'd be tap dancing on a crosswalk with a bow tie on. Like that kind of music every time I put a tie on. Right when I go to Google and tie the knot that I have to redo 47 times. Like swing dancing with some girl with a tie and suspenders on and a cigarette in my mouth. Oh my God. If that doesn't make the most sense in the world,

I don't care anymore. Alright. Saturday, National Toasted Marshmallow Day. I think my sister or something is addicted to jumbo marshmallows right now. Just rifling a jumbo marshmallow at somebody's like back their bare back

oh my god like someone's getting ready to jump in a pool i'm the one i'm the one that will throw a jumbo marshmallow at their back when they're in the air helpless and like, like it doesn't hurt, but they're still like, what the fuck? And right when it hits them, it's like, Oh my God. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, by the way, toasted marshmallows, s'mores. Do we like them? Yeah. Like twice a year. They're pretty bad-ass. I use a whole chunk of hershey's bar and you can't even taste it either i can put 14 hershey's bars on a s'more won't taste it nope only tasted the marshmallow and the graham crackers it's like cheese at subway every time

i get cheese on my sub at some way i'm like did you guys put cheese on this uh and i'll take pepper jack cheese and i eat the whole thing i'm like, did you guys put cheese on this? And I'll take pepper jack cheese. And I eat the whole thing. I'm like, wait a minute. Did I watch him put cheese on my sub or is that the last 19 times I went? Sunday, National South Carolina Day. South Carolina's state flag. Are you kidding me?

That goes so hard. Palm tree in a moon? I'm a bitch. I'd move to that state just for that flag. I hate it when states like their flags too much. They're like Maryland. People from Maryland are like, yeah,

put this on everything I own. Oh no. Shut up, Maryland. Don't even know where you are on the map. Okay, that's it. That's it. That's 121. Yeah, we're on.

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I know it's annoying, but it helps. Okay. I'll talk to you next week. I fam. Can you feel that? Oh, shit. Me, me, me. Meme up.