Espresso - 5 grilled cheeses every day from Menards (What'd u get caught stealing?)| Espresso Pod 431

Episode Date: August 6, 2026

If u don't shave your best friend's leg with your bare foot while sleeping next to them are you even friends? What if I told you I stole 72 egg whites out of a Whole Foods soup container and got cornered by self-checkout security lady? We break down how to run an illicit grocery twist-tie bead ring syndicate at a summer daycare and hold back the urge from buying  a black-market Barney VHS all while pretending we didn't HOUSE five stolen grilled cheese sandwiches in the Menards break room. KISS ME WHERE I STAND 🫡 Luv u fam🙏 See ya on Patreon this sunday 😏-------------------------------------------------Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/-------------------------------------------------

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Quick question of the week? It's a thief podcast this week Question of the week, what'd you get caught stealing? God, I love these. And also, would you accidentally steal, too? I've had a couple of those. Would you get caught stealing? For me, I used to steal hundreds of dollars of food from Whole Foods.

Anything you can think of, I was putting in those soup containers. Because nobody expects, you know what I mean? Nobody. And then I'd go up and weigh this soup container like on half of the scale, you know? You know, like it gets to like 0.25 and then it rings it up. And I'm like, oopsies. Something happened with the machine though. And the customer service lady or the lady just came over and she's like,

what kind of soup is that? Like all fast on the screen. You know when something happens at self-checkout? And you're like watching them type in their password. And you're like, am I even supposed to be here right now while you're doing this? She was doing all that. And she's like, what kind of soup? And I was like broccoli.

She's like, let me see you real quick. And at that moment, I was like, well, if I say no, it's weird. But why'd she ask? And I was just like, whatever. Maybe this container will magically just turn into broccoli soup. And I opened it and it was like 72 egg whites. And I was like, whoa. Oh my God.

I forgot. She's like next time, that's hot bar that needs to be put in like an actual container. or maybe a cardboard box because that's all the eggs we have in our whole entire store. I was like, oh shit. And I gutted them all too. Like I popped all the yolks out. So if you went back to the

like Whole Foods hot bar and looked at what I did, it was just like a container of yolks and I took all the egg whites. He's a monster! Got to do what you got to do out here. If you're trying to eat right, you really got to be savage mode. There's no other way around it.

Mm-hmm. You know what you got to do. But, uh, yep, got caught paid maybe $32 for 32 egg whites. $32 for 50 egg whites, maybe. Worth it. What else? Uh, my dad never got caught, but I swear to God when I, it was like 2002. I'd go to Meyer with my dad at like 7 p.m. all the time.

It's just me and him walking around in Meyer. I don't know. He probably had to go get milk. My dad was always just going to get milk, bro. Anybody else's dad always just, I was like, we're not getting anything cool. My dad was just milking eggs every time. Maybe bread, maybe. But that was like my one, the one thing I remember my dad always saying was like, hey, do we need to get milk?

Like he always was talking about milk. I was like, Jesus Christ, skim. Anyway, we went to Meyer one time to get skim milk. I was just with him in the car. Ford Taurus, all black, 2002, kind of a banger car. Miss him. bring back the Ford Taurus. Bring back to the Ford Tamaris.

2002 Ford Tamaris, Ford or. Power locks windows, AC. Oh my God, wait. They actually made cars with crank down windows. Yeah, sorry, I'm 58 years old. No, no, okay. We'd go into Meyer.

Sorry, CTE podcast. This guy like jumps around from topic to topic and all the topics are about food. And he told me this wasn't food podcast and my son listens to the podcast. Sorry, CTE, CTE, CTE. Anyway, we're in Meyer, me and my dad. My dad would take a little detour to the containers.

They used to have containers at every grocery store filled with like peanuts, you know, almonds, all that. You like get one of those bags like that you're going to put like three, you know, limes in or something in the, in the fruit section, they used to have those bags, but for the containers, there'd be gummy worms, there'd be chocolate chips, there'd be raisins, anything you can imagine in those containers.

And my dad would go to the prunes, bro. The most my dad thing of all time would just get a handful of prunes, put him in his pocket, then we'd walk around the store and he'd just be eating prunes. Hey, how good are prunes, though? put some respect on prunes I kind of don't even like I've said prunes and in my head

I'm like is that even a word right now prunes yeah dude prunes they looked like big in my head I was like those look like big like cockroaches I thought he like put his hand in a bucket of cockroaches and I was like all right it's what he likes prune god dude my dad walked around all the aisles

with a prune in his mouth gallon of milk in his hand prune in his mouth prune in his mouth. Let's get out of here, B. Hey, B, the car started. Get out there. Okay. My mom never got caught stealing either. My mom never really stole, I don't think,

but she would open up a box at Triscuits while we are shopping in grocery stores and just eat them. I'm like, you're that, you're this hungry? Oh yeah, that's the thing. My mom only ate one time every five days. So that was like her dinner for the next week was just handfuls of triscuits while we were in the grocery store.

Did anybody else's mom do that? Did I, was I, was that just my mom that would like literally eat everything? Everything. Did we go to, we go to the checkout and everything we put on the conveyor belt has already been opened? Goldfish, Triscuits, baby carrots, everything ripped open. I'm like, I don't know. Half the time I'm like, I don't even, they're looking at it. at me. I'm like, it wasn't even me. That's the crazy part. It wasn't me. I didn't do any of this

damage. Wild. Capri suns open. One of them half drank. I'm like, my mom was thirsty. Popsicles. My mom was a demon on the way home too. From the grocery store to the house, my mom would open up and eat everything in the car. I was like, you are the hungriest lady. Oh my God. that's what happens when your mom eats one time every five days it's going to be a little scavenger in the car grocery scavenger it's like why'd we even get groceries

not even that exciting you know they're all already eating I'm sorry I just they just looked so good I just needed something salty my mom all right all right hey stay on track CTE podcast what's the thing you got caught

stealing it's talk i love you baby oh wait this thing's on um so when i was in high school me and my friends would go to like whatever store like target walmart and i would always grab like usually like a red bull or like something like that out of like you know the fridges that they have like right up by the uh the registers i would grab like one out of there or if they're There was one in a different spot too. And I would just walk around the store and like just drink the whole thing while I was walking around. And then I would just like stuff it behind like the puzzle aisle. Yeah.

I love you. I love you too, bro. Damn, that sounds like one of my like best friends. Bro, I think we, I think we're best friends. You never even just tell by somebody's voice like, yeah, that's my dog? Like I have no idea who bro is, but that's my dog. Dude, stuff in cans behind in the puzzle aisle is so funny. Like, who's coming back here, bro?

You ever find somebody's, like, stolen stuff in, like, a weird aisle? You're like, damn. Somebody committed a straight-up crime back here in, like, the fold-down table aisle, you know? You're like, Jesus Christ. The fold-up chair aisle? Dude, there's so much stuff back there. You don't even want to know. Don't go back there.

people stash and stuff you ever want something so bad at a store but your parents won't buy it for you so you like hide it thinking that you'll come back to the store the next day and buy it some other way dude what a fantasy of mine

like ah my mom won't let me buy this football but I don't want anybody else to have this John L. Way vortex football like I knew she'd say no but she was like maybe if you're good tomorrow So you take the football and hide it behind like a blender in the kitchen aisle. Thinking nobody's going to see that. But low key, it'd be there.

It'd probably be there for like two weeks. Kitchen utensil aisle, John Elway football, still there from 2001. Be like that. Bro, but taking a drink and drinking it the whole time, who's going to know? do you think like I've never worked at a grocery store but do you think like they have a meeting where they're like hey people are going to steal stuff and just let it go like I don't really think that they even care if we steal stuff do they it it's all it's a karma system like okay like I think I think Walmart's thinking is like yo it's it's a karma system if they steal it they steal it but they're probably gonna like a piano is going to fall on their car like when they when they leave when they leave the parking lot a piano might fall on their car so like that's just it's up to them if they want to steal it or not. We can't do anything about it. But if an anvil falls on their head

when they leave the store, it's on them. Maybe stores should just do that. Who's not going to a store that right when you walk in, you get a complimentary drink the whole time? Oh, the bathrooms would be a problem. I'm kind of surprised bathrooms at stores

aren't a bigger problem than they already are. Like, how many people are in a store at a given time? Like, dude, you go to Costco on a Saturday? Death Wish. Costco on a Saturday is like, you might as well just be like, I'm going to Disneyland for like an hour and a half. That's pretty much Costco on a Saturday.

It's amazing the amount of people there. And I'm like, you think you guys would like figure it out that this isn't the best time to go. I had something I had to do though. I had to get a new tire. So like my appointment was saying, and I was like, Jesus Christ.

All right, fine. But like, can you imagine if you walked in there and they give you a complimentary drink? I can't believe the bathrooms at grocery stores aren't just wrecked. They're all in pretty good shape. And they should, but I feel like, I feel like restrooms at grocery stores should be like restrooms at NFL stadiums.

I'm like, they should have like 27 stalls. But nobody's kind of ever in there. It's really weird. I'm like, how does this bathroom only have two stalls? And everybody's allowed in. There's not a code on the door.

I'm like, maybe I just have to pee. Yeah, That's probably me. I just probably have to pee way more than normal people. Saw Spider-Man didn't have to pee once. And didn't even think about peeing once. That's a new record.

Didn't cross my mind to pee. You got to dehydrate yourself the whole day. A lot of prep. Dude, you're in your 30s. There's prep. When you see them, you know you're seeing a movie at night. Dehydrate yourself the whole entire day.

Not one drop of water. because right when you think about it I kind of got to go to the bathroom done for that's it babe you're going to miss the best part one time I went to Walmart on county line with my mom

for something I don't remember what but I tried to steal a bottle of jupe and as we're walking out of the store a secret shopper like just steps in front of us and just like doesn't let us pass.

And he's like, hey, I saw you. And then he took me back into the room with my mom. And I was like trying to maintain that I didn't have anything the whole time. And then he's like, all right, well, I'm just going to like search you. And then I just had it right in my pocket. And then I got arrested. So that's it. Oh my God.

That's like my biggest fear ever. That actually happened? What the hell is Jupe? Is Jupe Cologne? Or is it a Finnish artis? Is Jupa a Cologne or an artesian stove? Bro just had a stove in his pocket. Yeah, I didn't think I was going to get caught.

It's already preheated. Thought I'd sneak out of here. Yo, that's my biggest fear of all time. Biggest fear of new fear unlocked. With your mom? Did he so went to public school? Public school. Dude, your mom probably kind of didn't even care really.

Oh my God. Dude, if I got caught stealing, that's one thing. My parents would be like, all right, you're an idiot, bro. Like, you're grounded forever. You're probably not going to go to college. You're going to paint houses for the rest of your life. You're going to build decks. Kind of sounds great.

Kind of sounds like my ideal life. If I got caught stealing, that's one thing. But if I got caught stealing with a parent, imagine your mom's in that little interrogation room with you. We're going to search you. God, bro. public school activity stealing cologne

public school activity I didn't even know Cologne was till college and I honestly I have like I wear Cologne but only when I remember and I never remember I need to keep it in my car

I need to keep Cologne and my belt in my car two things I always forget and the only time I'll remember them is if I'm in my car backing out of a parking spot in my car oh yeah Oh yeah

Only remember stuff if I'm in reverse in my car It's the only time I'll know Bro, that sucks so bad I was with my homie in college And we went to Coles one time God, I have no idea why But he stole a wallet And for the first time in my life

I didn't steal something too I was just like I don't know I don't think he told me he stole a wallet This guy chased after us Out of the cold like in the Coles parking, like, Hey, hey, you two.

I was like, oh my God, bro. Oh my God. Oh my God. Do you walk away with something? I was like, did I? Did I accidentally steal like a shirt? I was pretty sure I didn't know. So I was like full confidence was like, what?

And he was like, no, I think my memory serves me right. He had a bunch of tick tacky, knick, knacky things to say. He's like, come with me. I was like, oh my God. Yeah, my roommate stole a wallet. and I was like, and he asked me like four times. He's like, sure you didn't take anything to? And I was honestly like, I don't know.

I can't remember. Can we watch the, can we see the footage? I was like, you should know, right? You're the one. I was like, honestly, can we check the footage? I don't know if I did or not. Like, I just forgot. I was like, I'm kind of an idiot and I can't remember if I wanted to steal something.

I definitely wanted to steal something. I don't know if I did though. Might have forgot to steal it, to be honest. I was being way too honest. And nothing happened. He just yelled at us and I felt really bad for the next week. No punishment. Bro might have been banned from every Coles in Indiana or something like that.

But who would have known? Wow. Dude, do you just yell at me? I'll straighten up. You yell at me out of Coles? I'll be a different guy for the next four years. I'll get married. No, I don't want no scrub.

Scrub, scrub, scrub, a dub in the top. Oh, turds, I clearly don't know these lyrics and double turds. I can't believe this thing's on. Anyway, what up, B? You puka shell rocking, not given too tough. I love them. Play a pimp. God, I love it.

Uh-oh, Krispy Kreme just called. Offer me to full-time job as a glazer. Anyway, question of the week, what's the thing you got caught stealing? I hate to say it, but it was some dude's girl. It was in college, and she told me she had a boyfriend. but she looked like Jessica Simpson and your boy couldn't resist. Anyway, so I went to her apartment one night and her boyfriend, who thank God, was shorter than me, jumped out of the bushes and she was opening the door and saw him and screamed and slammed the door on him.

So all of a sudden it's just me and this dude and he looks at me and he goes, I knew it. Have a great time. And I was like, damn, I'm glad I didn't jump me, but still kind of feel like a piece of shit. But then after two months later, she pulled the same thing on me and left me heartbroken. Oops. Anyways, slap my ass with a loaf of bread from Subway where the girl making it asked me if I want white or wheat. Oh, clean. Clean.

That's our first time caller, I think. That's new. We got the boy. Dang. Okay. New players in the game. damn that sucks yeah he was shorter

and you who even cares that actually happened to me one time it's so awkward this girl was like yeah come over and I was like I think she has a boyfriend but like I kind of don't know and if I don't know

then I don't think it's a big deal I probably brainwashed myself thinking that if she didn't have one it'd be fine but I went over there and her like boyfriend

or I was like if she's inviting me over she clearly doesn't have a boyfriend This isn't like me kidnapping her or something. Like she invited me. So I'm like, okay, it must be good to go. I don't know what you got going on. None of my business, although it should be.

Chilling in her apartment. Her boyfriend comes to surprise her. Oh my God. Hey, I brought you something. I'm in, I'm sitting on the couch, laying on the couch, watching God knows what on TV. You know what I'm talking about. When you're in that moment with a girl and you're watching, Who knows on TV?

And you're just like, I mean, are we going to make out or not? Like, good Lord. Time's ticking. I don't have anything to do, but you. Okay. All right. But, yeah, walks in. They like get in a fight.

They're like arguing. And I'm literally just sitting there. I'm like watching TV still. And they're like six feet away from me sitting in two chairs. I'm on the couch. I'm like, uh, like, watching BET music videos. I'm like, I don't know.

I guess I'll just, I don't really want to leave because these were my plans for the night. Like, if I leave, I kind of don't have anything to do. And if I leave, I know I'm never coming back. So like, I'll wait for you guys to talk this out.

You need me to chime in. You just let me know. Should I raise my hand? The dude was finally like, yo, can you get out of here? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't know. Dated her like two weeks later.

Stupid! Idiot! Did she do the same thing to me? Probably. Tate goes. Wow. What is a situation though? I was like trying to figure it out with him like the love triangle.

I was like, well, what are we thinking here? Are you with him or? What a situation. Hi, Benny. I'm such a big fan of yours. Longtime listener of the pod. First of all, though, I want to say I was really shocked to hear that you've been stealing from Whole Foods. My close personal friend Jeff Bezos would be highly disappointed to know that you're doing this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She actually needs more money, so it's just really messed up. Anyway, the reason why I'm calling into the pod is to tell you what I got caught stealing. And it's not a material item, so I don't know if you'll want to talk about this, I do. I do. Open up doors for you.

Anyway, I got caught stealing this man's heart. I know. I know. But ever since I've had it, like in my possession, I'm taking care of it. So I'm just curious to know what you think of the matter. Really looking forward to hearing your opinion and what you think. It's just a really big. responsibility when you get caught stealing a man's heart.

But I look forward to your thoughts. I'm going to kill myself. On the match. Big fan, huge, huge. Number one, huge, huge, huge fan viewer. Huge. Let's see. You stole his heart, huh?

Dude, it doesn't take much. Really doesn't take much. To steal a guy's heart? You know what you're doing, ladies. You know how to steal a heart. You only got to do one thing. You got to laugh. You got to laugh.

You got to be in a good mood. You got to laugh. You got to smell good. And all you got to do, all you got to do are two things. Make them food. I know this sounds like, okay, is this like 1941? No, all you really have to do it. If a girl makes you something, as a guy, it's just like, I don't know what it does.

It, like, triggers something in their brains. If a girl makes you a drink, or just like, hey, do you want it? Like, I have like apples. Like, dude, if a girl offered me an apple, I'd be like, oh my God. Oh my God, I love you. Wait, do you want like peanut butter?

I have peanut butter. They're starting to offer you things in their kitchen. Do you want, wait, I have the raisins. Like, do you want to, yeah, you can have whatever you want. Dude, one time I went over this girl's house and I was like editing something with her. It was like a friend. and she was like,

I'm making a peanut butter and jelly, do you want one? And I was like, I don't think we're friends anymore. And she was like, how much peanut butter do you want? And I was like, just whatever you think.

She goes, okay, I put enough peanut butter on so like I choke. Is that okay? I was like, I looked at her and I was like, big fan, big fan.

Make them something? If a girl makes you something, bro, it's a wrap. It really doesn't matter anymore. Eggs. And when a girl makes stuff, it just means more.

Like your boy ever making something And you're like, you don't know Your boy ever make you a sandwich When you guys are drunk Real good, isn't it? Hey, I always Hey, this is like my special thing I made.

This is my, This is what I make. Your boy makes you a sandwich When you're all messed up. Yo, I did that for my friends One time at my dorm. 3 a.m. Making stuff for him.

It was all ass. I made pasta. Oh my God. Cringe moment of the week. I'm just remembered. This is being pieced together in my head right now. We were all like blacked out at my college apartment. My friends were over.

They're black dudes. And they're like, yo, can you make us some pasta? And I was like, this is like a pretty big response. I can't say no. Like I can't say no.

So I try to make pasta the best I can't. Oh my. In the moment they're acting. like it was fire the next morning. You know, that pasta was dry as hell, boy. I was like, that was my drunk special recipe. That was my drunk recipe. Did your boy ever make you a sandwich when he's drunk?

Yeah. Good, huh? Tastes like shit. Forgot to put meat on the sandwiches, eating two pieces of bread. Yeah, dude. It just hits different when a girl makes you something. That is the one thing if you want to steal a guy's heart.

The second thing you got to do, the second thing. while you're walking, you just got to touch his arm. It's all you got to do, ladies. And you know, you know that's all you got to do. It's literally the easiest thing ever. Give him an apple and touch his arm. He'll like you for the rest of his life. Simple.

So I put the barcode sticker from a pack of gum onto sunglasses I wanted when I was five years old, but somehow only got busted for the pack of gum. I also then ran an underground business at some or daycare when I was nine years old selling homemade bead rings using the twist ties for produce bags. And I sold them for $5 each at 100% markup. And I made bank until parents started asking why their kids were bringing $50 bills to school. Also, also, shortly after I somehow managed to convince a kid that a crisp $20 bill was more valuable than the soggy $100 bill we found at the bottom of a pool. And when I told a lifeguard, he told me to keep it. So I don't know if that counts,

but pretty cool story. God, I'm like scared of you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we run this back? This feels like you're on Shark Tank right now. So I put the barcode sticker from a pack of gum onto sunglasses I wanted when I was five years old, but somehow only got busted for the pack of gum.

I also then ran an underground business at summer daycare when I was nine years old selling homemade bead rings using the twist ties for produce bags. And I sold them for $5 each at 100% markup. And I made bank until, parents started asking why their kids were bringing $50 bills to school. Also, also, shortly after I somehow managed to convince a kid that a crisp $20 bill was more valuable than the soggy $100 bill we found at the bottom of a pool.

And when I told a lifeguard, he told me to keep it. So I don't know if that counts, but pretty cool story. I don't know if I'm scared of you or in love with you. Every girl that calls in. I'm in love with you. Jesus Christ. Can't tell if this guy's lonely or not. bead rings.

I'm thinking of a twist-of-a-twi grocery store bracelet. You're ahead of your time, ma'am. Dang. Selling them at school? I never sold anything cool at school. I had no sale, like, I had no skills selling things. Even when I worked in a retail store, I had no skills selling things. you going to sell any shoes today? I was like, I don't know. I'm just kind of talking to people when

they come in. Like, if it happens, it happens. That was my attitude when it comes to sales. Hey, you got to, you got to sell three insoles today, four pairs of shoes and four pairs of shorts. You got six hours to do it. I'm like, all right, well, I guess, I guess we'll see. Like, I don't know. At the end of the day, like, it just, if it happens, it happens. I'm not going to force anything on him. He's like, it's your job to force it on him. I was like, not if they don't want it, you know? Why'd I work there for six years? Why would I still work there right now if I had the choice?

I'd rather do anything than what I'm doing. Man, isn't that? That is just the motto of my entire life. I'd rather do anything than what I'm supposed to be doing. Woo! Doesn't matter when, where, when I'm sleeping. I wish I was doing something. When I'm working out, God, I wish I wasn't here.

Well, I'm doing work that I'm supposed to be doing That my life depends on Man, I'd be rather be doing anything else Living my dream Man, I'd rather be working at the mall right now Working at the mall, man I wish I'd just made donuts for a living What did I get caught stealing

Your girl's heart When I was a little kid I really wanted this God, all of this is gonna be so fucking fucking dated. So I wanted this Barney VHS. Because I mean, I fucking loved Barney as a kid. Yeah, as a kid.

As a kid, I did. Yeah. Yeah, anyway, as only as a kid. And I asked my mom. She said no. So I was like, all right, well, I guess I'm just taking it. And I got caught. And the lady did not have.

a good sense of humor about it. And so I said, well, I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. I'm not going to finish it. Anyways, later. Very cash. Cash voice message.

Funny. Put together. Guy can read the room. Guy knows ball. You could say. that was a not a bob but a baby bob. Oh God, I love you. You love me. We're a happy family.

I never got caught. I was with my mom one time in the self-checkout, and I tried to steal one M&M from the M&M package and did it. Squeezed it through the plastic. Your boy wanted it so bad. Always been fat. Nobody knew. God, I feel guilty.

Still kind of feel guilty. Took a hot nap, you know, and you do something guilty And you just go in your bed And you just sweat That was me. Heard a cop car outside. I was like, they got me. My mom opened the door, I was crying.

She said, what happened? Couldn't fess up. Couldn't do it. Stole one M&M. Stole one M&M. I'm going to jail. Not a VHS tape, though. That's some stuff you use.

steal from like a garage sale. I feel like you should be able to steal from garage sales. Like they're just kidding, you know, things are like 75 cents. I'm like, what are we talking about here? Just let me walk away with this. Benny, I used to steal the black and milds in the right aid aisle.

And yes, I had a rat tail. Ooh, rat tail activity. Rat tail activity. Stealing black and milds. Those are in an aisle, unguarded? This must have been like in the 2000s or something because black and milds are behind that counter now. That's valuable.

Rat tail activity right there. Stealing rat tail activity. Stealing tobacco. Textbook rat tail right there. A lot of rat tails at gas stations. There should be. There's probably one every time I walk into gas station. Every time I walk in a gas station, I see one rat tail.

It makes sense. Checks out. You got to be a. sicko to let your kid have a rat tail stealing from the book fair for sure i got caught stealing nail polish blush lipsticks for my stupid little 11 year old asshole friends and they all ran out of the place and we're watching in the window when i got caught and i had to be brought to the back and they had to call my mom my mom had to come get me come home and tell my dad oh my god that i was stealing in Woolworths. So that's my story. Yeah, I think I would have stolen a lot of makeup if I was a

girl. I think I stole makeup as a guy. Oops. Like I'm not buying some things I'm just not buying. I'm sorry. Karma. I'm sorry, but I'm just not batteries. I'm not buying batteries. Those are going in my pocket. Sharpies. Why did I think if I unpackaged them and put them in my pocket and stash the package behind like some wrapping paper, I was gonna be fine. Like they'll never find me. I'll just tell them I had this Sharpie in my pocket when I walked in. It is kind of funny when you're in a store with something that you own

and you're like, oh, they probably think I stole this, whatever. You like have confidence though? You're like, mm-mm. Walking into stores with weird stuff, dude. You ever like have to, you ever walk out of a store with something you bought, then walk back in with the same bag. You're like, dude, I'm a moving target right now. I feel like the cameras are like heat censored on me.

I'm walking through the aisles. Like, I feel like there's four guys in a control room. Like, hey, yeah, yeah, that's a guy with the bag. He walked down. He walked back. He's about to put stuff in a bag. That guy right there. Hey, watch him.

Are they watching cameras like that? I feel like they are. Every time I'm in a store, I'm like, all right, yep. I'm being watched. Four cameras on the ceilings. guy with the backwards hat definitely gonna steal some they'd get so bored of watching me

like he's just doing like 13 takes of who's buying this he's not stealing anything God all these tattoos on my skin I turn you on turn you on yeah I think I bought or I think I stole

like when I was a kid and I had acne I always used to wear like my sister's like foundation you know I would like blend it into your skin because you know what I mean I couldn't be the only one stealing my sister's makeup you got like three zits and you got a crush at school

it's not a good look bro and my sisters had the solution that little NYC stick it looks like lipstick but it's like skin colored and you just dab it on there I'm like we're good that's what you guys are doing I'm like

guys in my grade don't know this exists and they're walking around pepperoni face. I thought I had a complete advantage. I was wearing a full face of makeup in sixth grade. I swear I had eye shadow on fake lashes. Lipstick, lip gloss. My lips were wet walking into school.

Who's that drag queen? That's just the captain on our fifth and six football. That's the captain on our 56 football team right there. Who's that drag queen? No, it's actually our quarterback. Yep. I thought I was just putting a little dab of makeup on my face. I had a full contour.

Eyebrows, shadowed in, everything. Makeup in my eyebrows, lashes, high cheek bones. I was a bad bitch. So mine wasn't necessarily about stealing, but it was cheating, which kind of is in the same realm. I was in high school and you could do dual credits for college algebra. And I knew the only way that I was going to pass college algebra was if I did the dual credit in high school because high school, let's be real, they weren't going to let you fail, especially if it came to dual credits. And so what I would do would be, I would take the formulas that we had and I would put them in my T9,

calculator and I would put them in the top of my calculator and I would pretend to read my calculator while I had the notes and the formulas in the inside of the lid of the calculator. That or what I would do is as soon as the test started, I would write down the formulas. So I like knew them. I would, you know, write down, you know, X equals this, but then I would put like a fake number in there and then no to just substitute the number out for what the tests said. So definitely shady, definitely not a great thing to do, but the only way that I passed college algebra. Dang, algebra got me too. Everybody says algebra is easy.

I was like, yo, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Like, and my sister was like tutoring me. I just couldn't do it. I hate the word tutor. I can't believe I just said it. But my sister has helped me out after school with homework. And like, it's somebody,

when it's somebody you know teaching you, you can like ask dumb questions. You feel more comfortable because it's like, we grew up together. You know I'm an idiot. Like, what is this again? And she was even,

she even like lost it. Like she's a patient person. And she was like, why equals MX plus B? I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. I'm sorry.

I literally just can. can't do this. Yeah, I think you writing down the formulas right when you get the test, that's not cheating. That's like, that's just being savvy. But yeah, having answers on your calculator is a fire way to cheat. It really was. Anything, I think it's all a free game. If it's on your desk, like, it's, it's going to be, like, you ever write the answers on the

inside of the label, label of your water bottle? and then put the label back on your water bottle and you can see through the water bottle at the... Oh, gangster cheat. Yep. I used to write the equations on my calculator, like in pencil. So my calculator just looked like I had like Hena tattoos on it.

But nobody would have like... My teacher wasn't going to be like... I did get caught cheating one time because I wrote answer... I wrote like this whole quote on my rubber band because I couldn't remember it. English test. We had another quote word for word. It was like seven words. I just could not remember it. I was like, I just can't remember these seven words. You ever like max out on studying? And I'm like, I can't remember one more thing. No, I cannot. Like, it was just too stupid. And I was just like, I'm going to write it on my rubber band. Teacher caught me. Very nervous track practice after that. Guilty track practice. Couldn't even stay in my own lane, bro. During the hundred, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, God, I have to go home and tell my mom I cheated on.

This sucks. You got to cheat in high school. It's the only way. I think all the smart girls were cheating too. I think they were. Now that I think about it, I'm like, they weren't that smart. Smart girls in high school weren't that smart. They stayed low key.

They were all cheating. You thought they were like superhuman in the beginning of high school. But then senior year, everybody knows each other a little more. And I'm like, I kind of think, I kind of think she's a cheater. I kind of think she's a low-key cheater. You know, yeah. Yeah. I kind of think Martina's a cheater.

And she knows she is. Cheating in college, I feel like, is encouraged. You cheat in college. That's like part of the deal, babe. Part of the deal. Spanish class. I had to take a Spanish class. I was like, let me test out of this real quick.

Hit this girl up on the soccer team. Fluent. Did so well. on the Spanish exam, I tested out of Spanish and they asked me if I wanted to do Spanish accounting. I was like, I'm good. I guess I'll just take the normal accounting and still fail that.

In fifth grade, we had this market in our class where we would use like fake money to have like a store and like sell things to our classmates. Well, I decided I was gonna steal, five of like those grippy things that you put on pencils. I don't know what they're called. They were like the rubber and they were sparkly. And those were just a hot commodity when I was a kid, I guess.

I stole five of them from this girl named Mary. So I was like, you know what? These aren't worth $5 of this fake money. So I'm going to take them. And my teacher found out. And I think she called my parents and like, it was a whole, ordeal. It's kind of overkill. But yeah, that was something I stole when I was a kid. It's a good steal. Yeah, I really envied people that had like an over-accessorized pencil.

God, there was this girl that was so smart in our grade. It was always the girls that were smart were always so organized. They always had all the stuff. You know? First grade, smartest girl. She had the mechanical pencils. She had the grips on the pencils and the excesses. stendo erasers. Everything sparkly. Her glasses. I'm like, you just got it all together. I'm over here.

I got one pair of school pants. Different colored socks. I got a hole in my sock. Like, this is crazy. You have all the supplies down to, like, everything checked off on the supplies list. She had it all. First day of school.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Pencil sharpener. for her number two pencils. I'm like, at your desk? They provide one back there. She just had everything. I was like, this is insane. Am I the only one that's unprepared?

Like, if they had markers on our school supplies list and colored pencils, my mom was like, no, just you pick one. Like, you don't need both. I'm like, it says both. Like, it says both. She's like, I mean, come on now. You can't borrow somebody? I was like, I don't know.

Never got Craola. Rose Art family. Tax brackets. Were you a Craila family or a Rose Art family? Rosart. Significantly worse. Way too waxy. Pencils broken four seconds.

Plain folders. Plain notebooks. I hated the kids at the beginning of the year that would have like space jam. notebooks. I was like, bro, who do you think you are on the first day of school rocking a bugs bunny folder? Like, what'd you do to earn that? First day of school, you have all the cool stuff. Okay, Lisa Frank over there. Everything you have is scratch and sniff this, sparkly that, glitter this,

puffed out little stars, putting them on every, I'm like, you guys are just made of money man I don't know what like this is just unbelievable to me what'd you do to earn it first day of school first grade you're eight and you have all the stuff

amazing the pencil boxes remember those pencil boxes when we were kids God those went so hard for absolutely no reason what did it say on the top sort of an S I would do anything for one of those I ask my mom every year.

Come on, please. Space maker. In that cool font, bro? Oh, I wanted a space maker pencil box. With the glitter top? Clear bottom with the glitter top, blue? You guys didn't know how good you had it. I was rocking a pencil bag.

Zipper didn't even work. Halfway through the year. Could only use the front pouch. flat pencil bag all year. I had nothing in there. Except for pencil shavings. Pencil shavings, lead everywhere. Six broken crayons.

That was in my pencil bag. Ice cream spilled on it. I was like, bro, you had that pencil box, though. The OG Chipotle bowl shaker, the pencil box. That thing was indestructible. You could throw a pencil box.

A space maker pencil box, you could throw that thing 40 feet in the air. It hits the ground. It wouldn't even open. God, dang it, those were nice. How come, like, my mom refused to get me one my whole life? They had, why did my mom act like space maker pencil boxes were $42.99? Guarantee it was $5. No, you can have a pencil bag.

Dude, by the end of the year, like the rat tail kid in your class, the box. the box would be broken in half. The latch broke on the back and he'd just have the bottom of the pencil box. Like it was a tray. There'd be like six pencils in there. He'd be like, what up? How'd you do that?

Chewed it off. Eyelids flipped inside out. Chewed it off. By the way, that kid clipped lizards onto his earlobes. What'd I do for a spacemaker? All these tattoos on my skin, they turn you. One time, I got caught stealing gloves. And pops a plastic sticks from the doctor's office.

Yeah. That was cool. No way that happens. There's no way, bro. That actually happens. How do they catch you? I need answers. Is there a camera in the doctor's office?

Because I do some crazy stuff in the doctor's office when nobody looks. Like when that doctor, when that nurse or whatever is like, I'll be back. He'll be right with you. I'm like, okay, I got a good. 25 minutes to just do whatever I want in here. I'm dancing on tables. I'm looking through cabinets. I'm licking popsicle sticks.

I'm turning on water. Dude, whatever I can get my hands on in there. I'm like, this is so inconvenient. I feel like, I feel like this needs to be done. I feel like doctors have it coming. You don't think I'm going to steal all your gloves? I'll need these for something. I got to clean my bathtub at some point.

They like check the camera? Or did you get caught like red-handed? A bunch of plastic gloves and popsicle sticks in your backpack. In your backpack. Damn, that has to be a bad vibe. That doctor doesn't want to help you at all. Kind of sucks. Lost your trust.

All right. All right. All right. So, when I was young, I would steal from basically every store I could, right? Never got caught, though. I've only been caught once. Is that a Walgreens? And I was stealing

You know those Cadbury eggs Little chocolate ones they have during Easter With the bunny on it So far Fucking best things ever created man And I opened my bag And I was in the middle of the store So I don't really know what I was doing

So I just opened my bag Shove no one in there And I immediately got caught by this dude Got kicked out And Then I went back there the next day And he wasn't there I did say have a good night though

right as I was walking out from attempting to steal. That's it. Bye. That's got to piss you off every time you see one of those eggs. One of those Cadbury joints. It's always candy when you're a kid. God, you just want candy so bad. I've been a fat ass my whole wife. You went back the next day, bro.

You're a stud. I wouldn't go back to that Walgreens if I was 28 years old. Still scared. I wonder if they know. That's what I think. When I walk into place, So like I got in trouble. I wonder if they know.

Does my facial like recognition pop up on their computers and I walk back into this Kroger? Dude, one time we got kicked out of a Kroger in Bloomington because I was like too drunk. Not like, but like I was like having too much fun. I was like on one. And they're like, bro, you gotta go.

Like you're too. You got to go. And every time I pass that Kroger, I'm like, are they gonna know? If I walk in there, they're gonna be like, yeah, that's that guy that was like super turn. I swear I was being so funny

I know I was being so annoying like the main manager guy came up to me like he wasn't even wearing Kroger clothes he just looked like a dad and he's like hey bro I was like he's right being too funny

where where are you tonight why have you left me here alone I searched the world over And I thought I found true love But you met another And you was gone

Just stole your time I hope she didn't leave a voice message I hope that was just it Just stole your time What a demon Tell me how am I supposed to live Without you Now that I've been loving you

so long how am I supposed to live without you how am I supposed to carry on this is crazy when all that I've been living for is gone

oh shit is this thing on I don't know how much you heard of that I hope it's just a song but the thing that I stole some food from work nothing too crazy it's a little snacks maybe a couple sandwiches but yeah

craziest thing I've actually seen somebody steal was a co-worker of mine um damn near every day at work he would steal probably four to five grilled cheese sandwiches and just house the shit out of them um

yeah, to the point that we were calling him the grilled cheese culprit thief guy, something along those lines. I don't know, it was like three years ago. But, yeah, just stealing bread and cheese. Fucking insane. We were telling him he was going to get fired, but he didn't believe us. And then, like, a month later, didn't see him at work. I asked the buddy, I was like, where to we'll go? oh yeah he got he got fired for stealing food i was like i told him all them grilled cheese he was

stealing but yeah i've been it's like 1 30 in the morning um i'm tired i work in the morning thought i'd call in and leave this this voice message so how fuck oh bye what a legend yo four to five gc's every day that's commas commitment to the craft. It kind of makes sense. When people steal food from work, I'm like, they should be feeding us, you know? It kind of seems like if you work at a corporate office all day,

doesn't it seem like they should give you free lunch? Like, right? And it should be like good food. Damn, man. We had this guy when I worked at a corporate job, when I worked out of my corporate job at Lids, designing logos for hats all day at the computer. we had a guy like somewhere on our floor

that would steal somebody's lunch every single day from the fridge and it was like a huge deal you know how that goes at work like the smallest things are the biggest deal in a corporate office like everything's heightened everybody's on their last nerve

everybody kind of like hates everybody a little but like acts like they like them it should be a reality show it'd be the best reality show ever just corporate office. Corporate. Corporate on HBO Max. But some guy, dude,

what a, what a dog. Every day took his pick. 10 a.m. rolled around. Hope your stuff isn't in a fridge. One fridge. 45 lunches in there. And he just,

whatever he wanted. Sometimes it was like a go box from the night before. You know, somebody went on a date the night before. With a day lady. Hi. Hey, hi, tea.

Can I take leftovers to work? Guy couldn't wait to eat some lobster rangoon or whatever. You know what I'm talking about. Some weird pasta dish. That's what you always get on a date. Some lobster pasta dish that you don't even really want. But the next day, bangs.

Brought it to work, gone. And you know, he was like, did somebody take my, did I, I, I must have forgot that at home. 45 days in a row. I wish I had confidence like that, bro. 45, you know on day 13, like it was getting a little sweaty. It was like, I don't know. Kept his nose down, went to work. Did it again, did it again, did it again, did it again.

Weeks went by, bro. It became a problem. Emails. Mass emails. Bro got fired on a full stomach. Nobody figured out who it was. They just had to tap into security. Somebody had to set up a camera or something.

It was crazy. Couldn't have been me. God, I was eating the weirdest stuff at work. I would get tomato flavored tortillas and put peanut butter and jelly on them and eat them at work. Like, I just hated work so much. I was like, I'll literally eat dust. I don't care. Just anything.

Anything to get me through this day. I did a juice cleanse at work. Don't do that. Holy. I was like, I'll do anything to take my mind off of work. Did a whole juice cleanse at work? Literally. Only had seven juices during the day.

Seven hours. My stomach. My stomach sounded like a trap set at EDC. Kind of worth it, though. Watch your lunch. lunch, babe. You work at a corporate office? Watch your to go bag. I used to work at 7-Eleven and I was extremely poor.

And I don't have parents, but I was living on my own at 16. So anyway, I used to bag groceries up away from the camera because back then we didn't have really only one camera facing the register. And I used to bag up groceries in big bags and send my... boyfriend over to come pick him up and bring him over to the house all for free. I got fired, but not for stealing groceries and he never found out. I got fired for being a dick. What'd you do?

Hey, how come I kind of want to work at a 7-Eleven too? Everything's just so relatable in a gas station. I'm like, God, dang, it'd be so nice to just ring up like a K-Kat bar for somebody. They have to know. I'll never forget one of the dude. Some people are so bold. They'll just steal and be like, yeah. One of my homies worked at like a cafe at the mall.

So weird. And he would just like no sale everybody and just pocket all their money. And I swear he never got in trouble. I was like, how can you live like this? Just eating cookies all day at the mall. Just pocketing hundreds of dollars every day. Oh my God. Dude, kids are so stupid.

I could never steal money, but I would steal product like a mug. Works for my mom at like this tennis center. They had just had a basket of candy and gatorade. And I was like, well, what do you think I'm going to do? All I think about is candy and gatorade. That's my brain all day, candy and gatorade. And I'm working at a desk with nothing to do. and there's a basket of candy and gatorade in front of me.

I'm like, like a Snickers right now. Every hour, I was like, I could go for a Snickers and a Gatorade. Oh, an hour went by. Looks like I'll have a re-season a Gatorade. Oh, what do you know? It's 3 o'clock. Time for my Skittles and a Gator. Like, it was amazing.

I was like, I can't believe this is here. You got to be an idiot to hire me. Oh, this is easy. I was definitely my second job. I was working hospitality at Bob Evans in South Bend, Indiana. And it was those stupid Boston baked beans, you know, that really disgusting candy. Me and a colleague wanted to split a bag. And then I think there was Starburst, too.

Yeah, not worth it. They gave us a warning because we're, you know, fucking 16. And then honors classes, but stealing random candy. Anyway, I hope you get better stories in this. I think I love you. Gotta stop doing that. But right though? Can't tell me you didn't fall in love with her.

Oh, this is easy. I was definitely my second job. I was working hospitality at Bob Evans in South Bend, Indiana. And it was those stupid Boston bake beans. You know that like really disgusting candy. Me and a colleague wanted to split a bag. And then I think there was starburst too. Yeah, not worth it.

They like gave us a warning because we were, you know, fucking 16 and then honors classes, but stealing random candy. Anyway, hope you get better stories than this. I didn't know Bob Evans sold candy. Right? Bob Evans hospitality?

What the hell job is this? Bob Evans. Some people don't know about Bob Evans. People out here on the West goes, they don't know about that like. Bob Evans hospitality. So they have like a room, like a cracker barrel room that you walk into and they just have a bunch of stuff. I thought that was so crazy.

The first time you went to a cracker barrel, bro, as a kid, like that, that's an experience. You won't forget. One with my aunt, uncle, grandma. Yeah, let's go to Cracker Barrel. I was like, really? Kind of always hated this place. I always hated the look of it. It was always like off an exit on a highway.

I always saw the sign, like the logo on that like food coming up. up sign on the highway and I was like what the hell is that old ass place went in there one time I'm like oh they got a gift shop oh wait hold up they got a big checker table oh they got this little like pogo like this little this little this little golf what does that call it golf tea game they got a little golf tea game they got they got pancakes started running my life for a little bit Like, it was like a, it was like an adventure. Now, like, every four weekends, me and my dad would go to Cracker Barrel.

Yeah. On some special occasion, too. Hey, B, you want to go to Cracker Barrel? I was like, oh, after church? Please. What a treat, man. Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel in high school?

Kind of the trap. I didn't know Bob Evans was throwing down like that. I never, like, not in a million years would I ever, imagine a star burst out of Bob Evans Boston beans I didn't know those existed either you little sicko yeah I wouldn't fire you

What uh so what I stole was a box of mozzarella sticks from the pizzeria I used to work out when I was in my 20s and the reason I stole it is because there was an extra box and I was like, I'm going to take this box and no one's going to know.

And I even had a backup story to say if they asked if the box was missing, I was going to say that I was cleaning back there and then it dropped and that they fell out and then I threw it out in the garbage. And I knew my boss wasn't going to come in for like the next couple of days. So I actually attempted to do this. And I took it, I took it home one night And then later that weekend came I was working my boss was in

He was asking where the box Mucral Sticks were And I told him That I threw it out And he said, why'd you do that? And I said, oh, because I dropped them And he said, you know How did they fall out?

Like he was giving me like He knew I was lying And I told him, yeah I threw them out and I don't have them. So I was like, okay, I'm taking $40 out of your pay. I said, okay, do that. And the funny thing is,

I did get the box of mustard sticks, but the worst part was I took them home and I didn't even have a way to cook them because we either deep fire or like an air fire or like an oven, which I didn't have in my apartment. I just had a microwave at that time and I couldn't even cook the son of a bitches. God, dang it, bro.

That is so real. me every time I do anything like such a big deal so much anxiety your boss wants to fire you you feel dude when you feel like somebody's like mad at you at work it sucks your boss knew you stole mozzarella sticks you little fat ass

lied about it even fatter even fatter move didn't have a way to cook them had to throw them away at your house threw him away that's so funny bro I'll fake throw something away for the cameras dog

I've done it too many times yeah I threw them away then you're like oh they don't have me on camera throwing them away damn so you like go after work and like get in your work clothes and like walk out

all like obvious on camera like walk out there and like fake throw something away then walk away like see that's me dude I've done done that. You got to

reinforce your lie a little bit. Dude, so dumb. They look at the time. They're like, why were you here at like 8.43 p.m.? You left work at 1 p.m. Why'd you come back and fake throw away

monsteros? Didn't know how to cook them, bro. I would have tried to cook them in the microwave and got like E.C. Why or something? Food poisoning out for two weeks. Dumb fat.

Bad ass. Why did you get food poisoning? I'm a dumb fat ass. Try to microwave some mozzarella sticks I stole from work and lied about. God, I've done that same thing so many times. Just because I'm fat. 150 seconds is not enough for this story, but I'll try to be fast. Back in around high school, I went to a new school with new classmates.

and my former class I used to steal, you know, shit tons of stuff in the supermarket of my friends. You were really good at it. So I, you know, I guess to get some points of being cool, I introduced this concept to my new classmates. Hey, you can just go steal, you know. But the thing is, they were really, really bad at it. So this one day, we went to like a huge, like a huge, you know, supermarket and they take some candy, they take them whatever. And this security guy starts following them.

And somehow, you know, they end up leaving the mall. And the security guy stops and he looks back at me and I'm just grabbing a pack of condoms, which is right at the desk, you know, where you pay. And I put it in my bag and he flips around and he grabs me instead of the noobs. What happened was he took me, you know, backstage, I guess. And he made me wait for like a few moments. And I had actually filled my bag with shit tons of stuff. But I just saw quickly there was always some confiscated wares on a table.

I just emptied my whole bag, placed it behind that. When he came back, he asked me, hey, do you have anything else? And I was like, no, I don't. And, yeah, I got away with that one for sure because, you know, then I was like, yeah, I'm sorry. I just took these condo because a friend told me you wanted to have sex for the first time. And it's like, okay, but, you know, it's illegal. Then the thing is, because I'm mixed race, I'm a child of an immigrant.

And he was an immigrant too. So I think I got some points there. I was like, hey, do you think this is going to affect my chances of, you know, getting a Danish passport? And I saw him in his eyes. He got suddenly like he was on my side. So. Oh my God. Wow.

Bro, cut him a break? Stealing condoms. Kind of think it should be allowed. You catch some kids stealing condoms. I think I'd be like, bro, yeah. Go. Get out of here. I didn't see anything.

I'm not trying to kill the vibe anymore. I mean, you already got to buy condoms. Kind of an L. Yeah, bro, get out of here. They're on me. I got you, big dog. Go to work. How about when they sold condoms, like,

on the wall inside of gas station bathrooms. I'm like, that's the OG. Who's buying this? Honestly, all that stuff in the bathroom, like the bathroom dispensers, bro. Gas stations are kind of a crazy place. Remember the first time you saw like all that stuff? You're like, I'm like, bro, I'm like literally nine.

I'm just on the way to my grandma's house, like on a road trip. And I go in the bathroom and see like this crazy like condoms, rhino pill. I'm like, yo. What is that? Nine. 50 cents for one.

Do I grow a horn in thick skin? 50 cents for rhino pills? I want to show my cousin. That was wild. Do they do that anymore? Those are at those OG gas stations where you've got to unlock the bathroom door with like a key that's attached to a hubcap.

You're like, ah. And there's so, much like everything's vandalized in those bathrooms those are the best bathrooms you can really be yourself in there just just people ingraining they're like what are their names i'm like what kind of gang is out here on like exit 133 in ohio oh this is the weirdest place to like etch to like tag your gang inside this bathroom saw my way to my grandmas thinking about rhino pills Just want a Gatorade and Candy, but all right.

Rep your click. Rep your click. This is Toledo, Ohio. Rep your click. This is Toledo. Rep your click. Unbelievable. I didn't know it would go off like that.

Y'all delivered. Fam always be delivering, though. Thank you so much. Just keep going. Days of the week. Today. IPA day. IPA lot.

Oh God, right? IPAs. Gumballhead. We Mac. Bell's Oberon. Bell's too harded. Dude, working at a restaurant with IPAs, bro. Just memorizing those names.

What do you guys have on tap? That was like the number one question working at a restaurant. What do you guys have on tap? Restaurant culture is. so ingrained, so strong. Let me see what we have on tapro. I had no idea what they were talking about. Like, I'm just now understanding what they're saying.

What do you, like, what IPAs do you have is what they said? And I was like, oh, never knew. Well, this one rotates, a gumball head, a fish dog head. I'm like, what am I even saying to these people? I need to get out of here. I remember just banging. IPAs when I used to drink. Oh my God, Bell's Oberon. Just five of them. See ya. Just in the tallest glasses too. One of them tasted like orange juice.

I was like, this is so good. This is not going to be a good night, though. Gonna say some things I didn't want to say. Wiggle your toes day. God, my feet during anything. My feet when I'm playing a video game. My feet when I'm about to fall asleep. My feet when I'm sleeping. My feet during a car dealership commercial on TV. My feet when I'm walking around. My toes be, I don't know if it's like a foot sensitivity thing, but ever since I was a kid, like even my family would get on me, be like, yo. Like one time I was rubbing my feet together, like they were my hands. And I can vividly remember my sister being like, dog, a, like chill out on the feet rubbing. It was crazy. I don't know what,

was going on. But my, like, I was talking to her and my feet were just like, like, I was literally washing my hands. Guys got mosquito, but guys got fly hands on his feet. I was always rubbing my foot on. So I still do it. Dude, I'd sleep in my bed and just rub my foot on my wall. Felt so good. He used to sleep next to my girlfriend, rub my feet on her leg. She hated it. Kept doing it. Every night, I'm like, just get used. Like, this is, this is my one thing. babe, sorry. Not gonna stop. I'll shave somebody's leg next to me

with my foot. Used to sleep by my mom. Used to do it to her. Weird. She liked it, even weirder. I gotta shut up. Friday. Sea serpent day. Too weird down there, bro.

Too weird in the ocean. Everybody says that. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's like a played take. Like, have you ever just thought that, like, there's a sword fish? Like, who, who's, like, messing around inventing that one? Yeah, a fish, but just literally with a sword. And I swear there's, like, a sawfish, too, that has a saw on its face.

I'm like, bro, I mean, tell me a guy didn't invent that one. Yeah, yeah, a fish, but just, hey, put a saw on its head. Yeah. This one's sword. Make them fight. I'm like, this is getting out of control, bro. And then there's a fish with a light on its head. I'm like, this is out of control down there.

What's next? Put a remote control car on this fish's head. Like, what is, what is happening? Hey, put a bop it on that fish. And everybody acts like it's so normal. Mm-hmm. Yeah. This is the bop-it fish.

Yep. You can pull it. You can bop it. You can twist it. Mm-hmm. That's how he survives. I'm like, dude, swordfish. Okay.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally a sword. It's so crazy. We're not talking about that. All right. And there's worse stuff, too. Dude, the fish with the light on its head,

literally a light bulb on its head in the water. Come on. Dude, that's some like mythical. Is that real or am I tripping that? I swear that's real. It's so crazy. Hold up. I'm going to start crying.

That's so crazy. Fish with the light on its head. I mean, yo, the fish with the light on its head is the angler fish. The deep sea varieties like the black sea devil. What are you talking about, bro? Has a light on its head. How's it work? Dude, fish are disgusting.

Ew. and we're just eating those what the hell is wrong with us Saturday frozen custard day never really understood the difference between any of those custard

gelato frozen yogurt I'm like can we get real can we just be honest with ourselves oh my God no it's frozen yogurt you're fine it's good

I'm like this is literally this is just you're just confusing the fat guys frozen custard gelato frozen yogurt I'm like it's literally all ice cream like what's the big

what's the big fuss about gelato all the sudden oh my god I love gelat shut up you just like ice cream like it's just an Italian guy who made ice cream that's what gelato is god they present it though, don't they? You ever see a full

container of like the cookies and cream gelato? I'm like, oh my God! How'd you guys even put that in there? I don't even want to touch that. And then when they go to scoop it, you're like, I ruined it. I'm so sorry. People that work in gelato places, they always give you the, like, you can't get

enough. You can never, there's never enough ice cream for me. Do you want a small, do you want a regular or a large? I love when they don't have smaller medium. It's just regular or large. like large. Large and I'll finish it before I walk out of the door.

There's never enough, bro. I hate it when girls say they want ice cream and then they get that like little like snack size option. I'm like, you're just not the one for me. You're not the one for me. Now, if we're getting ice cream together, you need to get so much ice cream that you feel like you're going to throw up

and you can't go to work tomorrow. That's where that's where we decide who's real, who's fake. Yep. I want to be throwing up ice cream. I want my body to be rejecting ice cream as I eat it. That's how much ice cream I want. How much ice cream do you want?

I want to be actively throwing it up as I'm putting it in my mouth. How much ice cream do you want? I want my hands to be sticky till 3 p.m. tomorrow. No way around it, babe. That's the brakes. I want this little thing. not it pisses me off i'm like wait wait wait you're not gonna try to like die here that's what i think every time i order food i'm like are we trying to like we're trying to die right like i don't

want to like just beat around the like we're trying to die here like i want to i want to get something so crazy that your life flashes when you eat it you're like oh shit this guy can't wait to die more sunday book lovers day all right Well, I will not be celebrating. Book Lovers Day. Last book I read? Hatchet. Last book I remember reading.

Hatchet. I'm going to come clean. I tried to fake read Hatchet. It went so hard. I started real reading it. I try to go. I try to play with Hatchet like, yo, I'm just going to read the back

and tell my English teacher, yeah, I read this book. Try to try to like, past the reading test with the information I read on the back. Maybe I'll look at the pictures on the inside and make something up. Bro, so good. I just had to go in. I'm like, yo. Hatchet changed my life.

Obviously, that's the only book I've ever read. But Lord, was it good? That guy in the front? Did I model my whole look off of him? Maybe. Maybe. The wolf? I would go into it a little more, but we don't have the time.

I'm just kidding. I can't remember one thing from it. Coach P. Quote of the week. Short, sweet, clean. Coach P. Quarter of the Week. A man who stays in motion never has to search for a momentum. Simple as that. Simple as that, man. Listen.

You keep doing the right things. Over and over. Stacking days, getting Ws. You don't have to find motivation because you're making momentum every day. Oh no, I need inspiration. Oh my God, I can't do it anymore. That doesn't happen.

When you got motion. How do I get motion? Do the right things every day. Do the things you don't want to do every day. You always say this. It's the only way you win. Coach B. Code of the week. Living your fears, man.

Skip! Bring it up! All right, y'all. Fire voice messages. Hey, come to the live show. These guys. September 1st, Gramercy. I'm gonna be booking some stand-up, too. Be on the lookout.

Get your merch. Join the page. Tell the psychos. Tell the homies. Love you, for real. Saha, bye. Wasn't recording.