Espresso - annoying roommates

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

FAM! on shot 136 first Ben goes through DM's of the most annoying roommates (like guys who smoke K2 and scream at the top of their lungs until 3am). He talks about his relationship with his sleep paralysis demon and how Mayweather Vs. Logan Paul will make boxing popular af again. Ben reveals the music people think he listens to compared to the music he actually listens to.... he breaks down how weird Christmas Card families are, how pool noodles impacted his life more than anything, ding dong ditching the president and how INSANE people go when decorating their houses for Christmas (but he secretly is that guy) He does #ViViViViral and #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) >>>> 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! <<<<< 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by WaveOne Media. If you want to start your own show, visit TheWaveOne.com. Take this mild drug and you will have a nice sleep without any nightmares. Hold on. That's the barista. I'm like, can I have... Every time I drink coffee, if I needed to drink something,

if I was like, oh man, I really need to get some sleep, I'd just drink Pike Place from Starbucks. Nothing makes me more tired than that because it's like warm and you're like, this is it. If I went into Starbucks and I was like, God, I really need to get some sleep, I'd go up to the barista and be like, hey, can I have one grande? It's always got to be grande too. Something about that size is just...

Can I have one grande Pike Place? This is the barista. Take this mild drug and you will have a nice sleep without any nightmare. Can I have a name for that? Uh, Ben? Sure thing, here you go. Homeless guy in the background right when I grab it. Good night!

What's up, fam? Shout 136. Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi. We got a sexy boy. Thanks for listening for real, man. This is awesome. Thanks for all the DMs this week. We got a good little question.

Most annoying things your roommates have ever done i can't wait the one i did the one i the one i for example mine uh my roommate was cool dude but every single night no matter what we'd all be watching tv and he he was a dude that was pretty strict. He'd always go to bed at the same time. But I'd always forget, and we'd all just be watching TV, just chilling, doing nothing. He'd sit in a recliner, and he'd recline the shit out of it, going, I'm taking my ass to bed. Every single night, I was like, dude, change it up.

Like the only time I've ever gotten on anybody. Like I'm always a pretty like good roommate. I'm not like a pushover roommate, but I'm like, but one time I did snap and I was like, there's too much peanut butter on the knives. If you're going to put a knife in the dishwasher, rinse the peanut butter off. And they were like okay i was like i mean next time if you get the chance i do hate that so much like bro the water's not gonna get that i'm sorry but yeah we got annoying roommate stories and then then just, you know, we're doing our thing. You know how we get down.

We just kind of, it's an hour freestyle. But for real, rate, review, subscribe. Tell your friends because this podcast is underrated. And I think we can make it pop. We got merch coming out Be on the lookout It's gonna be hot Follow me on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo All at Benedict Polizzi

But what's up? I went to LA It was cool I was there for like 7 hours Did a show LA's on super lock right now Literally didn't go anywhere. I went to Anthony's house. The dude that I stay with out there, Anthony Storitti, look him up.

He's funny. Chicken Parmcast is his podcast. Subscribe to it. But no, I just went there, worked on some stuff, got ready for the show, did the show, came back to his apartment, chilled for a little bit, did another podcast there, and then just flew out in the show. Did the show. Came back to his apartment. Chilled for a little bit. Did another podcast there. And then just flew out in the morning. It was pretty good. And all I ate for three days was Starbucks food. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Starbucks food's good, but it's like never as good as you think it's going to be.

It's always like, hell yeah. And you take a bite and you're like, oh. Yeah, I guess. It's like C+. I put out that video about sleep paralysis that's a real thing people kept like DMing me like this actually happens to you like dude yes I don't know what it is maybe it's cuz I drink coffee like right now and do late-night suppress by the way this is late night express so we're gonna

get freaky oh but yeah i don't know if it's because of that i don't know if it's because i stress out i don't know if it's because like i sleep on my back but it's happened to me at all times of the day it's a it's a real thing and i've had it so many times like i don't even care anymore like the first time i had it i was like, whoa, that was a real nightmare. Because when it first started happening, like, it's, okay, this is what happens. Beginning to end, your mind wakes up before your body. So your eyes are open. You can't talk or move.

You can't move your head. You can't do shit. All you can do is look where you're like, look up. Like if you're sleeping on your back, you're just like, you can like see your room kind of. Okay. And every time that happens, you're frozen and you're like, oh fuck. And there's a hundred percent of the time, every time there's a spirit, evil spirit in the room. And I'm not kidding. That's a real thing. It's a spirit evil spirit in the room and i'm not kidding that's a real thing it's

a demon and like it can be whatever your mind makes it it's this this sounds like this podcast has turned crazy but no that's a real thing the first time it happened to me there was this like homeless guy in the corner of my room and i was like what the fuck there's a guy over there and i can't move i was like this is what a nightmare is i've never had a nightmare over there and I can't move. I was like, this is what a nightmare is. I've never had a nightmare until now. And he was like, he was like saying shit. And I was like, oh damn. I wonder if like, and it's super real. So I thought he was really in my room. I was like, but I couldn't move. I was like, and when you try to scream, when you try to scream, you're like in your head, you're screaming like, but in real life you're like, so I was like doing all I could to like get unfrozen while this like homeless hobos in the corner of my room saying like,

and right before, like, I figured out something, I like tilted my head back and I snapped out of it, and right before I came back to reality, he was like, remember what I said. And I was like, oh, shit! I should have been listening that whole time. I was trying to get fucking unfrozen. I thought you were going to murder me. But now when I have that, when that happens to me,

I don't even care. When I see a demon during sleep paralysis, I'm just like, dude, what? What are you going to do, bro? You've done this 60,000 times in me. What's up? What do you need? I'm not even threatened by it anymore. I'm just like, yeah, bro, what's up?

Don't do it. Just let me go back to sleep, please. I'm like homies With my sleep paralysis demon Like we would chill Like just tell me What you want man Like We've done this so many times

Just You know just Say your name Break the ice What's good What's your favorite song He'd be like Sweet 16 by Hilary Duff

I'd be like I knew we were friends Damn that Sweet 16 by hillary duff i'd be like i knew we were friends damn that sweet 16 by hillary duff came on my iphone today while i was working out and that shit bangs i always i'm always like damn can people hear what i'm listening to because like everybody in the weight room has on headphones and i'm just like no one can hear no one's paying attention really. So I just listen to whatever I want. And the other day I was like leaving LA fitness and one of, I'm like cool with one of the guys at the front desk. And he's like, bro, I could hear

you coming from a mile away. And I was like, what do you mean? Like you can hear these muscles. And he was like, no bro, you're like rocking out right now. I was listening to this on the Rocky IV soundtrack. Okay, not that. Holy shit. This is what I listen to when I work out. Every single time. I do.

I'm doing emotional when I I work out I worked out today I've cried probably I might cry once a week when I work out No wonder it's because I'm listening to this shit Who's not crying? Bro who's not crying bro you heard me listening to this not even words but i like like i know in the i've watched some rocky force i know i talk about rocky

for every podcast i don't care i've watched it so many times I know I talk about Rocky IV every podcast. I don't care. I've watched it so many times. I know when Rocky grunts during the sounds, during songs and stuff, and this song is playing while he's training. So there are certain parts in the song where I'll be like... Come on! Ha! Hmm!

Did that sound like me, or did that sound like Johnny Bravo? I sound exactly like Johnny Bravo when I work out. Ass. I'm all Uber-ate. Hey, fella. That Uber stuff really work? That. The me every time I work out. That's me. I got 10 reps of that? All right, here we go. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Okay, we're good. Okay, okay but yeah but that's me

every single time and this came on today dude if I didn't work out today I'd be the biggest piece of shit what people think I'm listening to

when I work out. Bitch! What I'm actually listening to when I work out. Flutter kicks to this Two Ha Ha Come on Come on

Ha One more! Good! Dude, I turned into a person that makes noises when I work out. I don't know what happened. Because when I work out, I just think of everything that I hate. And working out and thinking of everything that you hate at the same time just makes me go like this. I did that like four times today at the gym.

I'm like, doesn't matter, everybody has headphones in. Or do they? I am kind of that guy at the gym. Oh my God, I just realized that. Anyway. Anyway. Hillary Duff running my shit. Okay.

Yeah, seriously, though. Rocky every single time. It doesn't get old. Rocky and Kevin Gates. Dude, if you listen to Rocky IV soundtrack and Kevin Gates during a workout, wipe the tears. I swear. I swear.

I swear. Yeah, so... Logan Paul's fighting Floyd Mayweather. That's crazy. Because that's... Who's not watching that? Honestly, who's not watching that? Who's not watching that? Everyone's watching that.

That's good for them. That's good for Logan Paul. Because, like... Dude, he's fighting the most popular boxer of all time and he's never really like fought fought i think he's got a chance right he's huge and he feels he's like he's a totally different like. And Floyd Mayweather doesn't box. He just chills. And dude, I swear to God. And in boxing, if you get one lucky shot, it could be like,

Bye-bye, Mommy. Bye-bye, Mommy. Bye-bye, Mommy. For either one of them. But honestly, who's not watching that i'm watching that i always make fun of people that watch like boxing stuff because who cares who knows who they are but this time we actually know who both of them are it's always like conor mcgregor versus alejandro valdez i'm like who the fuck is that but we actually know these dudes and like

logan paul's following it's like everybody his age and younger floyd mayweather is following is like everybody his age and older everybody in the world is gonna watch in the world but yeah i don't know because anything can happen in boxing and this could be crazy i'm excited for it i'm like hype i'm not even gonna watch it i'm like i can't wait then like the day it happens i I'll be like, oh, shit, that's tonight? Spread my wings. All right, let's get to the... Let's get to the money.

Let's get to these DMs. Ha ha ha ha ha. All right. I am getting to the money. Ha ha ha. Here we go. Most annoying thing your roommate's ever done. Most annoying thing your roommate's ever done.

LOL Derek James. He's a reg. He's a reg feature on this pod. Derek James is tight. In college, I had a roommate who would put on noise-canceling earmuffs before he went to bed and then have night terrors. He would scream at the top of his lungs because he would smoke K2 in random plants he found on the ground.

Dude, how is this guy enrolled? Hey, be a little more rude. I think I scream every time I go to sleep. There's no way I don't. I swear to God, from the minute I close my eyes to when I wake up, just... It's the difference between guys and girls sleeping. You ever sleep in a... Dude, I slept in a really quiet room when I was in LA when like another dude was like, uh, like on the other side, like sleeping right next to me. Like

we were cuddling up. No, he was on, he was on the other side of the room and it was dead quiet. And this was me breathing. And after like the fifth one, I was like, holy shit, he thinks... And I had like the whistle to... I sound like a goddamn train engine. When girls sleep, they're like, they could be like, oh my god, this is embarrassing, I'm so sorry.

They don't make a sound the rest of the night. Guys are just like, this is a guy sleeping. Girl? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Good night. Guy sleeping?

Good night. So sorry. Was I making some noise, honey? No, it's all fine. It's all fine. Okay. All right. I'll see you in the morning. Dude, I swear to God, that's exactly how I sound when I sleep.

How am I supposed to know? How am I supposed to know? Oh, my God. That's the most fucked up thing to me. You slept, dude. You were so loud when you were sleeping. Oh, my God. I'm like, well, fucking thanks. I don't know. What am I supposed to do? No one talks about sleep more on this

podcast, but me, but yes, I am a train. I'm Thomas when I go to sleep. All right. I'll see you later. Okay. Good night, Thomas. I'm Thomas. Just call me Thomas when I'm getting ready for bed. The hour before I get ready for bed Just call me Thomas Oh my god wait wait wait Who's here? Who's home? It's just me and Oh Thomas Thomas I hear Thomas up there

Thomas the train engine Old Thomas the tanky Thomas the I'm Thomas the train engine every time i go to sleep okay here we go oh shit okay here we go this is super annoying alley underscore cat most annoying thing your roommate's ever done got engaged and then moved her fiance into our apartment. That's just like a feel-out thing.

You can't, man. You gotta have the talk with your roommate. Because every, no roommate, I'm sorry, this is it, this is the law. Express law. If you have a roommate and they have their girlfriend or boyfriend over all the time, Spress law. If you have a roommate and they have their girlfriend or boyfriend over all the time,

it's annoying. Even if you're all best friends, it's annoying. And everybody's been that person. Everybody's been that person. Where you just like have them over all the time. You're like, it's fine. Everybody likes her. But like that's just even if they're cool if they're the coolest boyfriend or girlfriend in in the world they're now the most annoying

motherfucker of all time and you end up hating both but got engaged and moved her fiance into our apartment that just means you move out you're just not friends with that person anymore. They have a fiance. They don't need friends anymore anyway. Okay. Here we go. Nick Weeby. Homie from college.

Most annoying thing your roommate's ever done. Not putting the lid back on the peanut butter the right way. Damn, there's a wrong way to do that how do you fuck that up that's like the only thing i know i'm confident i know how to do to making fish of any kind that's like all i do i used to make fish all the time at work i just didn't give a fuck that's like a unwritten rule like when you're in a corporate office you don't Like all I do. I used to make fish all the time at work. I just didn't give a fuck. That's like an unwritten rule. Like when you're in a corporate office, you don't warm up fish. I didn't give a shit, dude.

I was like, well, I don't, that's just what I eat. Like get over the smell of fish. And if you're eating lunch in the corporate break room, like you're a loser. Sorry, you deserve to smell this shit. If you're like hanging out with people from work. It's the weirdest thing in the world to me. Hanging out with people from work. I'm like, no, Brian. I don't want to go to the bar with you after work. I just listen to you breathe all day. Brian, my coworker, right when he sits down for the day. coworker right when he sits down for the day. Brian, what's up, dude?

Just chilling, man. Long night. Couldn't be a rough one today. I'm pretty tired. Starts looking at his screen again. I'm not hanging out with Brian the train engine after work. For leaving the light and fan on in the bathroom after a shit. We get it, bro. You have a well-rounded diet.

I never know what to do about that. The light is a little much, but in my house, we were taught, first of all, don't ever shit downstairs that that was like a rule like don't just don't like go upstairs even when i'm at like other people's houses i'm like yo uh can i use the restroom upstairs and they're like oh you're going up to tear it down but like yeah if i'm if i'm like at my like aunt's house for like a holiday or something like i'm and i have to and i'm there all day like i probably have to shit and i'm not gonna like act like i don't have to shit like i can't do that i can't live when i have to go to the bathroom of any

type like i can't just hold it i'm not like it's so that's the most uncomfortable feeling of all time for me so like when i have to i'm like'm like, I'm going. So I go upstairs. If you go downstairs, it's like, dude. And like someone imagined you're like ant walking in. That's the most embarrassing thing of all time for me. Me shitting downstairs and my aunt walking in after I'd be like, no, like it even matters. but that's so weird and if your uncle walks in after you he's like taking care of business huh winks you're like fuck

but that is fried leaving a light on but yeah at my house like if we ever did shit for some reason we'd turn the fan on and shut the door and I don't even know what that does like does it it doesn't go anywhere i don't know i don't know all right ken candy wood most annoying thing your roommates have ever done i made my college roomies move their beds together into a mega bed with mine

and all three slept together i'm the annoying Yeah, it's such a girl thing. Oh my God, let's all sleep together. Why? Imagine if guy roommates did that. Hey guys, got an idea for tonight. What's up, man? We getting drunk? Nah, we're moving our beds together.

They're like, no way. All right, let's go to sleep right now. Sounds good. Good night. Good good. Good night. Good night. Good night. Claire Hathaway 10. Sounds like an actress.

Most annoying thing your roommate's ever done. My roommate and i shared a bathroom and she would sit on the tub with just her feet in the water for hours at a time while watching netflix on her laptop your roommate's my mom is that a lady thing my roommate and i shared a bathroom and she would sit on the tub with just her feet in the water for hours while watching Netflix That actually I might actually do that Dude sometimes instead of taking showers and we were kids we'd be like playing outside all day barefoot as fuck and I like I wouldn't Want to take a shower so bad. I would just do that and wash my feet

Cuz my mom be like your feet are disgusting I would just do that and wash my feet Cuz my mom be like your feet are disgusting Your feet are disgusting Betty go take a shower, and I don't know why I just never wanted to take a shower And as a kid I was like ah So I just washed my feet and went back downstairs cuz you like don't smell until they're 14, and I was like 12, so Okay, Katie JP I was like 14 and I was like 12. Okay. Katie JP. Most annoying thing your roommates have ever done.

Flirt with my ex-boyfriend. Also eat my food and use my shit then lie about it when confronted. Yeah, the flirt part. That sucks. That's just a bad situation. Flirt with my... i'm trying to think if i've ever done that i've probably accidentally done that like everything i say i'm like fuck i shouldn't have said that like i was at joey's house joey and riley married couple and the other day i was like you look tan i said that's riley and i was like fuck like i don't know if that's nice or was Joey like, dude, that's my fucking wife.

Like, I don't know, but she looked tan and I just said it. All right, now I feel guilty. Any well. Any well. Most annoying thing your roommate's ever done. D underscore frizzle. Three years of leaving a knife in the sink covered in peanut butter. I told you!

Every time for two years, undefeated. Three years of leaving a knife in the sink. I know, man. Just fucking wipe that off. It's so easy. And it's almost fun. Like, if you use the spray thing, if you use that, it's like makes it fun.

It makes it a game. My dad would listen to this psycho thing about my dad psycho dad moment my dad wouldn't let me like he heard me using this spray thing on this thing to like clean a dish and he was like you using that thing and i was like yeah the spray thing and he's like that's a toy. Wash it. I was like, oh my God. It's a toy. My dad did so much shit like that, though. I'm surprised. Dude, my dad wouldn't let us play in the front yard.

Play in the front yard. If I threw a Frisbee in the front yard, he'd wake up. He'd hear it from his office and call and be like, the front yard's for looks! Nicole Valerio. Most annoying thing your roommate's ever done. My college roommate took two ceramic classes and we looked like a pottery barn.

I've never been more annoyed my other roommate would leave from her room with a perfectly good mirror than come into my room and use mine. Then would get mad and flip out if I shut my door. Like, hello, your mirror's the same. I don't know why I lived with them. My roommate always walks in. Like, I've always been the guy in the house with the full-length mirror.

So people just come in my room, and they're, like, unannounced. People have just always come in my room when I've had roommates and just, like, looked at themselves in the mirror and been, like, do, like, their mirror thing. You know? You always have a thing you do in the mirror. You, like, do, like, a little, like, fake run. You're like, it's good.

Then they just look at me and they're like, do you think this matches? Should I wear these? I'm always so into it. I'm like, wait, no, no, no. Leave, put the other shoes on, and come back in. Tell me when you're here. Count to three.

I'm going to open my eyes, and then I'll tell you. Then they do it, and they're like, they always do their pose thing, you know? They're like, what's up? And then I'm all like guaranteed, no matter what, 100%, I'm like, all right, now put the other ones back on. But that's a thing that doesn't annoy them because I'm helping them.

And they're like, all right, bet. Do that all night. Just change your clothes all night. It sucks when you do that with somebody and you're like, wear the brown shoes for sure. And they're like, yeah, that's what I was thinking too. And then they're wearing them and you're chilling, getting ready to go out. They're wearing them. And then two minutes before you leave, they put the other shoes on.

You're like, God. Holy fuck. Oh my God. You could have just told me. You could have just told me you hated my style. You could have just told me you were embarrassed. Breathing too loud. That's the only thing your roommate's ever done.

Parker Polisac breathing too loud. Yep, that's a thing. I breathe so fucking loud bro it's not even okay okay let's go viral hashtag I'm still terrified of I'm still terrified of I still sleep with the lights on I guess I'm scared of the dark People say it's unhealthy to sleep with the lights on I think it's perfect

I like a little light Is it because I'm scared? Absolutely not It's just very comforting Is it because I'm scared? Absolutely not. It's just very comforting. Dude, my mom's a complete opposite of me with that. Like, dude, she'd have to, I remember this vividly.

I'd sleep in my mom's room sometimes when I was growing up because I was scared as shit why I sleep with the lights on now. And she could not have one single light in the room. I remember this to this day. I'd always want to know what time it was when I was sleeping in my mom's room. And I'd go to look at the clock and there'd always be a VHS tape covering the digital clock lights. She'd be like, it's too bright for me. Benny, it's too bright for me. I'm like, that?

That's got you? That's fucking you up? The clock light. Have you ever seen an alarm clock with a dimmer? Digital clock numbers. That's keeping people up. If that's keeping you up, bro, you got bigger problems

than brightness when you sleep. Like if you can't sleep because of the clock numbers, you need to pick up a hobby that makes you tired during the day. You need to start running some fucking suicides before bed. Oh my God. I thought that was fantastic. Oh my god, I thought that was fantastic Like my mom I swear to God my mom would put black electric tape over the the light on the TV That little tiny ass dot she'd be like I can't sleep

That dot just messing her up at night. Hashtag names for your privates. Holy shit, we've been through this one. Dude, when I was a kid, I always used to call my dick a bean. Does anybody else have that? Maybe that should be the espresso question next week. What'd you call your privates? Name for your privates. I just want to hear them all.

I can hear my sister being like, oh my God, I saw your bean. If I didn't really, but she'd just say that, so I'd get freaked out. I'd be like what? Bean. Why would you ever? That's such a family word. Bean. Hashtag is giving me a headache.

Hashtag is giving me a headache. Um. I thought about this. Like, why do moms always get headaches? I don't think there's one time in my life my mom didn't have a headache. It was all the time. Benny, you have a headache. Shh.

No, I have a headache. I'm like, you can't be serious. Like, what is Benny, I have a headache. Shh. No, I have a headache. I'm like, you can't be serious. Like, what is happening that you have a headache? It's just all the digital clock lights. My mom always had a headache. That was her whole personality is headache. Jesus Christ. My mom would go to bed at 6pm And have a headache the whole day

I'd be like am I even Should I even be here You just want me to go Probably because you're on the phone With Aunt Jill for 13 hours Jesus I don't know There's a ringing in my head hashtag

I think we should all talk about hashtag I think we should all talk about um I think we should all talk about. I think we should all talk about. Like knowing when it's time to leave a place. Dude, there's been so many times where I'm like at an event and the event's over and people just keep fucking talking. I'm like, it's time to go. Have you ever done that? Like when I, I'm like at an event and the event's over and people just keep fucking talking I'm like it's time to go have you ever done that like when I I'm talking about it when we used to I used to coach that football team the like practice would be over and the coaches would talk on the field for two and a half hours I'd be like you guys don't want to leave? I don't know Maybe it's because their lives are miserable

And they just want to stay there and watch film I'd always be super nice And be sticking around But oh my god Every single event I'm like yo when it's over I'm out How can you guys talk to people when something's over?

I am going home. Okay. Let's do days. Wednesday, Christmas card day. Christmas card day. Oh yeah, that is a big deal when like families take a big picture together and send it out for Christmas. I like that, but I'm also like, you sent that to, like, 40 other families.

I don't feel special. Thanks, though. Like, it's kind of rude. And, like, who has a family that would actually do that? That's the scary part. And like who has a family that would actually do that? That's the scary part. Like a family, a real family that takes pictures for Christmas and sends it to all their friends.

Dude, oh my God. Holy shit. That is an accomplishment. If my family tried to take a Christmas card picture, my dad would be like, I'm not doing this shit. My mom would be like, ew, how much is it? My sisters would be like, I don't give a fuck. But they'd do it. My sisters would be like, they'd do it.

But they'd be like, that's exactly the noise they'd make. When it was like, hey, Wednesday's Christmas card night, both of my sisters would be like. That's exactly the noise they'd make. When it was like, hey, Wednesday's Christmas card night, both of my sisters would be like, and literally me, it would be my idea. I'd be so down for that shit. Everybody else would be so mad. I'd be like, let's all do something crazy.

Let's do it like this album cover. It'll be so dope. And they'll just be like, we don't want to do it anymore. And I'd be like, okay, bye. Happy New Year. Friday. National Noodle Ring Day. Oh, noodle rings, bro.

Those noodles that you have in swimming pools. Damn, you ever get fucking smacked with one of those in the back? Woo! Just bring that in a football locker room before a game, smack me right in the fucking stomach with it. Let's go! How do you get pumped up for the game? My roommate Brian brings all his noodles from the pool in the summer and we smack each other. Now let's play! Let's beat their ass How do you get pumped up Saturday National poinsettia day There's gonna be like the cheapest flowers of all time right cuz they're fucking everywhere

time right because they're fucking everywhere mom's at church my dude church is fucking churches blow their load on poinsettias like oh my i don't see where our where's our money going to you know you like pass around the basket and put money in it that's all for poinsettias churches and poinsettias like get over it Pick a new flower Poinsettias And they have white ones They're like oh this will get them This will get them excited You know the moms

The moms can like take the poinsettias After Christmas mass Cause like what are you gonna do with them Give me a white one Put it in the living room it'll be so cute Oh my god Because, like, what are you going to do with them? Give me a white one. Put it in the living room. It'll be so cute. Oh, my God. Mom's in poinsettias.

Poinsettias. I can't. That's definitely someone's, like, a girl's name. It's definitely going to be my daughter's name. I'm such a Christmas whore. I'm such a Christmas whore. My daughter's name is going to be Poinsettia Polizzi. That's actually kind of hard. National Ding-a-ling Day.

Ding-dong, did she ever actually do that? Obviously I did because I wanted to impress this girl and I'm so annoying. But I was in the car with her and we were, oh my God, I don't even want to tell this story. But like, this is so annoying. But I was in the car with her. And we were, oh, my God. I don't even want to tell this story. But, like, this is so lame. But we drove by the president of the university's, like, house because it's on campus. Why would the president of the university live on campus? And she's like, that's where the president lives. I was like, no way.

She's like, you should ding-dong ditch it. And I was like. And right when any girl dares me to do anything that's the president's house you should like ding dong ditch it and I was like haha yeah right and I was like right right after like it registered that she said that she like dared me

this played in my head you should like ding dong ditch it i'm like what she's like you should uh you know have you ever played that game i'm like what game she's like ding-dong bitch Like you want me to do that to the The the president of the university's house, which is right outside the car. She's like Yeah, I just said that three times in my head Then I opened the car door Walk up the front yard Cut through the grass

One eyebrow up On the day I was born The nurses all gathered round Holy shit Walk up the stairs Like I'm not scared as shit The nurses all gather round. Holy shit. Walk up the stairs like I'm not scared as shit. You know, you're so scared you feel like somebody's like, like a ghost is behind you, like taunting you.

That's how I felt the whole way walking up there. It was like 2.30 a.m. on like a Wednesday. I was like, damn, she better not speed off right after I do this. I rang it and ran like this back to her car. Right when I got in the car, I was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Like a Chevy Cavalier. I was like. I was like, yeah, go, go, go, go! Or like a Chevy Cavalier. It was like I was like, yeah, baby. What else you got for me?

You think I'm sexy now? What else you got for me? Holy shit. Sunday. National Day of the Horse. Horses are so fucking scary to me. I feel bad for every horse I see. I'm like, ah, you should just be running around like the son of a bitch you are. They're always trapped. I'm like, ah.

When people have horses, they're like, I have horses, yeah, back at my parents' house. I'm like, you're too rich to talk to. Bye. Horses. When people have horses, they fucking love them. Get over it. Can some person have a horse and think it's annoying?

That'd be my favorite person of all time. Yeah, we have horses horses back my parents. I fucking hate those things. I'd be like YES! COME HERE! Oh my god, I love you! Oh shit Oh shit Kids now? We kids now MMMM That was so Fred

Yeah, but horses are so annoying What's its name? It's always like Cheeto Racer I'm like what the fuck? That was so Fred. Yeah, but horses are so annoying. What's its name? It's always like Cheeto Racer. I'm like, what the fuck? Cheeto? Cheeto Furrito. Because it likes chips.

When it was born, it kept eating chips. So it's Cheeto Furrito. Why can't you name a horse just like Bailey? Like every other fucking pet's name in the country national wreaths across america day dude my family like when uh when we were getting ready for christmas i know every family did this like i can't my family i I saw a tweet that was like was my family the only family that just drove around during the holidays and looked for houses with cool lights

dude that was like a thing we did we'd all pile in the car god I can't even imagine how much my older sister hated doing this I don't even think she was there. She was probably like 12, and she was probably just like, I'll stay home. Dude, my older sister hates Christmas so fucking much. She's probably so pissed that her birthday's in December.

Right when she was born, she's probably like, fuck! Just that it's even close to Christmas. No, but we'd all get in the car and like this is so annoying but we'd drive around like through like rich neighborhoods not rich but just like neighborhoods where we'd be like oh no that'd be a good one that'd be a good one that neighborhood's tight that has good houses we like drive around it and like every time we'd see like a house that was like popping we'd be like there's some that was like our there's there's some and of course my dad to this day was like hey b there's some he'd like say instead of like lights he'd be like we should go see some there's some so i'm like god i'm not six he's's like, okay, big boy. I'm like, fuck.

But our house, like, we never, my dad was, like, so conservative with our house. He's like, I don't want it to look tacky. So we just had a wreath around the door. That was, like, our spirit. A fucking wreath. And we'd be like, oh, the wreath, it looks so cute. And the house next to us was like, Merry Christmas, bitch. house next to us was like, Merry Christmas, bitch!

Literally, the, like, Christmas, like, what is that? Dun-dun! Dun-dun! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! That, like, orchestra that only plays Christmas music, that would be playing, like, 24-7. Dun-dun! Dun-dun! What is Trans-Siberian Orchestra? For this?

I can't believe I know what the fuck this is. This place. My neighbor's house. People that love Christmas know exactly what I'm talking about with this shit. It's fake ass holidays. It's so funny. No, but this, this right here, my neighbor's house. All the lights are like coordinated to the beat

of this song. There's like snow globes in the front yard and shit. Their whole family like is in the orchestra. Their mom's on the piano. Sing it with me now! Dad's on the electric guitar playing it with his tongue and his Santa hat on.

The dog's on the kick drum. The kick thing of the drums, you know? That's the best part about drums. When people play drums, they'd do that kick thing. You'd be like, hell yeah. The dog's doing that. The youngest child's on the bells right now.

They all walk outside with their instruments in the front yard. The dad with his tongue fireworks and shit going off the mom's on top of the piano in like a sexy like Mrs. Claus suit and then you look to the left

at our house and there's just a wreath on the door. And sometimes we forgot to turn the lights on. Holy shit. They're like, okay, they worship Satan. Actually, we go to church every nine minutes. But thank you, and have a great day alright shot

136 that was fried that's my goal to say that was fried 17 times an episode and definitely at the end fried fried fried but okay no that was fun I'm sorry

you love it okay uh thanks for listening for sure fam remember keep a lookout for merchandise follow me subscribe spread this pod seriously tell your homies tell your it's just a good time we fuck around sorry We do. And if you want to hear a question or something, let me know. I'm thinking about doing like the weirdest thing that's happened in your sleep next week. I think that'd be tight, but let me know. Rate, review, share, follow me. I love you guys for real. Talk to you guys next week. Have fun.