Espresso - ask me sum

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

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You're at here trying to look your breath, do your, you're trying to speak well, you're trying to not be a lute, trying to impress. There's no time to get turned on. That was a big problem for me during the show, too. She's like, you're not like very, like, sexually engaging. I was like, yo, it's because I'm worried about all this other stuff. My head's all over the place. What are you going to make out with you right now? So I stuck her whole foot in my mouth.

Because every day is a new day. I won't take it for granted. All this thing's on. Espresso podcast shot 401. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who has surgery on his knee tomorrow. And he's going to audio record the whole thing on his phone while it's in his pocket. Is it legal? I don't know.

Is he going to go to jail right after he gets? surgery probably hey watch me on f boy and f girl island oh my god we get it yeah it's the only thing you had going for you okay yeah did it get canceled twice maybe but yeah it's on hboh max watch it or die tell your homies join the patreon for five dollars every month five bucks you get every other podcast why wouldn't you join and then you get a live stream at the end of every single week why would i join the live stream why would i join the patreon if you don't explain what you're talking about on the live stream what is the live stream about do you just talk

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Storewide, door buster deal. Stock them deep. Sell them cheap. Follow that checkout, 50% off. Let's get to the question. Espresso Quo, Quo, question of the week.

Ask me something. Hmm? Ask me something for once. I'm always asking you. you ask me i'll give you advice ask me anything why is your dad only touched you three times in your entire life i don't know but i think that's how it should be for every dad every dad ever you become a dad you get handcuffed immediately that's it for you dude you become a dad put your hands on a two by four and somebody just chops them off. I swear that would fix everything in the

world. I'm officially a dad. Plops their hands right on a two by four. That's the rule. You have a son hands chopped off. Did just a big, big trash can. One of those trash cans with wheels at the end of the driveway just full of dad hands. Oh shit A lot of new dads this year That's a question you could ask If you weren't a comedian What would you be doing?

I'd be a bald PE teacher And I'd have a fat wife In 14 kids God I'd be so bald If I was married I would be the baldest guy you've ever seen in your life I don't even know if I'd have the side hair I'd be so bald

and I'd be so bald I wouldn't even shave the side I don't I wouldn't even hide it Lord I'd have a I'd have a Ben and Jerry's gut you know still still

still try to still try to have something on top but no it's just not happening up there ask me anything please please please please here we go so i've been out of the loop have you been getting a bunch of brand deals uh it's a good question i'm out here trying you know with every with every vid you just hope somebody likes it right and sometimes it's a brand and you just go for it but um yeah that brand deal income and

comedy stand-up income is the only way I make a living. So, yeah, sometimes, I'm trying to think, oh, buzz balls, they're fam. Carnival crews, they're fam. I can't remember which other ones I did, but, yeah. I mean, we, sometimes it's rough, sometimes, sometimes it's tough, but. It's just the way, bro. It's how your boy does anything out here. How much do I have to pay you to allow me to guzzle that glizzy

to the point where your toe snaps back into place? I like the craftsmanship on this voice message. I know somebody dared you to do that and you kind of nailed it. 20 bucks. Just by the way this sounds How much do I have to pay you To allow me To guzzle that glizzy

To the point where your toe snaps back into place I just know you do a bang-up job too Good God 20 bucks 20 bucks cash 20 bucks in quarters How come 20 bucks in quarters. It feels like more than

just a $20 bill. $20 and, bro, a quarter? Good Lord. Nothing sexier than a quarter. Maybe it's because all I did when I was a kid was try to find quarters. I was half

my life as a kid just trying to find quarters. And you get so mad when you think it's a quarter and it's a nickel. Gah! you know if you find a big quarter

in your mom's car or on the ground even there's something about it man you got four quarters in your hand you feel like the richest dude in the world I was at my I was always just when I was a kid I was always just on the hunt

for a sticky hand in the grocery store All I wanted, I don't care. Dude, my whole life revolved around that 25 cent machine at the grocery store. And that, they started making the machine. I don't even know if they have these machines anymore. Or do you put the two quarters in there? 50 cent joint?

You get a little football helmet. A cowboy's one? You put the stickers on the side? then they had those big ones you put like seven quarters in there like a slot machino you get like a holographic simpson sticker you're like whoa bro out of my tax bracket could never afford that it's the rooster happy new year baby um question when you get into awkward social situations with like personal space this happens to me a lot like nobody knows personal space at all it's getting so much worse love you Like, for example, I was in a line And the group behind me Was so fucking close to me And the line wasn't moving at all

So there was no urgency to move up They were within Like if I turned around The guy's shoulder was just probably in my nose Right Kissing him And I just stood there I said, I'm not moving

Fuck that We're doing this together then Because you know They know what They know what's going on I don't think they do Ooh excuse me yet And it just like take up my space

It's like nah Fuck that We're in this together now because I'm not moving and I'm going to make it awkward for everybody. That's the thing. I think I've mastered the ability to just sit in really awkward situations. I'm not going to fuck. It's a gift.

It's a gift. Because it's like some people's worst fear. It's like, I don't want to make it like, I don't want to make it like, I don't want to make it like awkward. And it's like, fuck that. Bring it back. Bring awkward situations back. People need to feel the repercussions we're standing too close to you in a fucking line. Who's with me, dude?

Like where your head's at, roosty. Um, yeah, I always thought about that, too. Like, when people are like, it's awkward. I'm like, you just, you're saying that because you've never, like, I feel like on this podcast, especially we're the kings of awkward. It can't be awkward if you're awkward all the time. I've done the most awkward things ever, every single day since I was four years old. I'm over it, bro.

Yeah, I don't care. Don't care. Nope. Mm-hmm. Yep. Been embarrassed every day, every second of my life, I've been embarrassed. It's over. You just got to do it, man.

Happened to me at the gym today. Dude was walking in front of me. Headphones on so slow. But he was in like an area of the walkway where I couldn't really get by him. And he was wide. And I was just like, dude, oh my. Have some awareness. Pick aside, bro.

you learn that in high school I remember the first day of high school I was like oh you guys like pick sides to walk down the hallway makes sense it's the first thing I noticed in high school I was like oh there's like lines up the stairs all right you just had to cut them off

just had to almost swim and rip them in the gym and we ended up going to the same place and you got to sometimes it's always because they have AirPods and I'm so sick of it every time somebody's in the way I look in their ear AirPods I'm like I'm like kill myself

because every day is a new day um and I um I think I figured this out yesterday too I was talking in like a circle of comedians at the comedy store you know when four guys talk it's just like all right all right nobody really wants to be there I don't think and nobody can ever end the conversation

I'm like damn dude there's no way everybody wants to really talk about this right now and we're just talking and keeps going and it keeps going and it almost never ends and I'm like I think it's because nobody wants to be like I gotta go because you like even say

you're like I got to get out of here and then you stay you stay you stay for seven more minutes talking about nothing all you're thinking about the next seven minutes is how the hell am I going to get out of here and the whole time

I think people were just saying stuff so they weren't the guy that was leaving I'm like yo we're just making this worse and we're I love being the I'm leaving guy Maybe that's not a good quality But I used to I used to love going to people's houses And like calling it

We gotta get out of here I used to do it like when we were at my like aunts And uncles and like my grandparents I'd be like hey we gotta get out of here And then people say Hey we gotta have a force guy in every group You gotta have the pressure guy I gotta be

I'm WRD 10 a.m. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Dude, we'd be leaving my grandparents' house and getting a full fight. Because my dad was pressure. Kids didn't want to leave, but I understood. We're like, ah, we got to go. And time, it'd always be, we'd wake up to morning my dad. We're leaving at 4 p.m. at my grandparents' house, my cousins are there. Everybody's there. We're kind of having a good time. But in the back of your head, we're like, ah, shit, we got to leave. We're going to leave. We're going to leave. 4 p.m. rolls around. It's like, hey, it's your suitcase peck. up. I was like, I got so sad. Damn, we got to go. You're still like trying to have fun while you're like putting your stuff in your backpack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, maybe next time. Yeah. Packing up your PlayStation that you brought there to your grandmas. No better video game time. No better video game experience. Oh! Then when you hook up the PlayStation at your grandmas.

Oh, it's like a revolution. Dude, you can, and you're hooking it up to their old ass TV, yo. You know what I'm talking about? That TV that looks like it's in a cabinet. That wood grain TV, don't you just want to slap the side of that thing? Honestly, every experience you have at your grandparents' house is like the most pure. Watching TV at your grandma's house.

You're like, I don't know why, but I could just watch this, like, Judge Judy show all day. Dude, time slows down at your grandparents' house because everything's so, like, majestic. You sit on the couch with your grandma and watch a TV show, and you're just like, this is crazy that we even know each other, you know? Like, you're literally 80, and I'm 12, and we're just watching a parade. And he'd do it all day. And you're just like, yeah, still watching this parade. Your grandma's walking around the house. Cleaning dishes.

Do you want any lunch? I think I'm good. It's so funny. Can we be at my grandma's house for like four days? And like you kind of like, you got to like, you got to be homies with them. Four days. You need anything? I think I'm okay

you want to go anywhere I don't really know like what are we capable of doing here you can't drive my grandma couldn't drive is that a grandma thing half the grandma's in my life no license

you want to go anywhere I'm like where are you taking me yeah yeah that was a that was an eye-opening day the first day hey dad can I bring the GameCube

over the grandmas don't see why not just take care of it don't break it pack it up nice and tight I swear to God my dad thinks I'm going to break every goddamn thing I put my hands on just hopefully I don't hold my heart but

packing up the GameCube bringing it to your grandma's and just being like is this even gonna work when I plug this in? Because like I know Abraham Lincoln built this TV like doesn't even you're asking your sister

before you live you're like do you think grandma's TV has the yellow red white thing and then you plug it in you see the new GameCube startup boom do do do do do do do do it

on your the old Civil War TV. Oh! Oh! Dude, you're calling your cousins. You try to play Blitz! So sick. You got the wave bird controller, yo.

You're playing your cousin from the dining room? What's good? SSX tricky from the family room outside on the screened in porch God dang it

I was sick and it was always like on Christmas your cousins would get a video game and you'd be like yo bring that over to grandma's I brought the GameCube new game on Christmas

with your cousins different different because you feel like for some reason you all earned it together yeah I got that game you got that game

I got that game God so much fun it's always warm always warm never a cold second in your grandparents house all you do is like talk about your grandma

yeah I was wondering what random sports player lives right free in your head like that you think of maybe once a month or more just random and there's no reason for it for me it's the former MLB player Sean Chaconne it might be his name might be played for the Yankees and the Rockies and my two my two little league teams I don't know but Sean Chacon pops up in my head constantly at least twice a month but no reason whatsoever and I want to

know what what yours is do you have one? one of those God, man like this is just the perfect question I just it's such a good question I'm nervous

I'm so nervous damn dude I'm you took my breath away if you ask me this on the street in real life like if I was just walking to the store and you go hey dude

and ask me this question I think I'd give you a hug just come here and I wouldn't even answer I just give you a hug and keep going ah dang

who do I really think about all the time um Austin Crozier Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha uh sometimes when I it's it all depends on like what my TikTok's pushing

and I know that sounds lame but like sometimes sometimes I'll see some Vince Carter highlights and I'll just start dying laughing and just being like how was he doing that you know what I mean and it's like

65 clips in a row and I'm just like dude this'll never happen again he lives kind of rent free I'm not like on some all seriousness it's not really a random one. But I've thought about LeBron James every day

of my life since I was 13 years old. Either, and I'm not, it's not like I'm trying, like he'll pop up on something. Dude, LeBron James. It goes, it goes Jesus, Santa LeBron James, I think. For like, honestly, Michael Jordan

after that. Jesus, Santa LeBron. I wish I had a random one, I could tell you. I mean, Austin Crozier pretty random. Cam Newton's in there a little bit. It's probably because I see him on TikTok a lot.

Dan Marino randomly. And it goes along with like things I experience throughout the day. Like I'll pick a locker at LA Fitness and whatever the locker is. I'm like going with a. Aaron Rogers

Going with eight Akeman Going with 12 TV Praise Tolms is the answer You It's roosty I got two questions for you

When's the last time you were like genuinely scared for your life Or like a close call Like driving Yo I was going to the barber the other day super early so I was just not even awake even a little bit

and I was just ripping it on the highway and you know how sometimes you're just going super fucking fast and you just like don't even realize it you're like oops going fucking 90 if you slow down huh guys

yeah so the exit was coming up right I'm in the left lane guys in the right lane he's close but he's not close enough but I got room but I don't I don't know if that means any sense I took some pre-workout. And I say, fuck it, here we go. So I put my blinker on.

And as soon as I put my blinker on, he speeds up. So I say, well, we're going to do this then. Oh, no, bro. He's disappearing into it as I'm trying to change the lens. So I say, he's going to kill me. We're going to die. And it didn't register yet until after the fact. And then I had to, like, swerve back.

And then he was like looking at me, like doing all the gestures. Like, what the fuck, man? And I was like, yeah. I don't know. It kind of was your fault. I don't know. Maybe. Then, like, after the fact, I was like,

yo, I almost just probably died. Didn't even read. You know how, like, your brain just doesn't register death immediately until after the fact? Like, yo, that 18-wheeler almost just killed me, but fuck it. When's the last time that happened to you? And then, do you even know,

this is fucking crazy? But I feel like it's true for 95% of people. Do you even know, like, where the lines are for your car like how wide it is and like

when you're driving sometimes you think you have room but then you're most of the time you're like dude I honestly have no idea we're just gonna try it and see if it works I feel like no one knows

the fucking like the areas of their car or like how to park properly this is crazy maybe it's just me dude I need a camera

I'm not all with the back and in shit I could probably do it but it's not going to be like good you know maybe i'm just i'm just like kind of cooked because it's it's it's astounding how much i don't know the area of my car i'm like i have no idea even to this day i've been driving the same car for years i don't know if i have room ever nope bro it's it's kind of crazy that we're not it's kind of crazy when you think about it that we're allowed to drive i was thinking about it the other day i'm like so anybody anybody can just

get in a car and drive around? Think about that. How are we not just smashing into everything every second? It's a miracle. I'm like, there's just no way that this works like this. The fact that there's like just that many amount of accidents every day is like there should be a billion. Like there should be cars running into buildings every four seconds.

And we're just all just like, yeah, yep, there's a lot of stuff wrong with me. but I still drive my car dude everybody dude I think this is a I don't know the area of my car at all

and I think I think you're a little I think this is how you can tell somebody's a little off when they when a person gets super mad in their car when you see it

like it's because you did something to them and they're like hey you're like, dude, I think those people have something a little bit wrong with them. I think that's, that's the final test. Izzy, eh, eh, I'm like, it could, it should not absolutely zero percent matter to you that, oh my God, you're inconvenienced for six seconds. And who do you think you are?

The best driver of all time? It's so crazy to me. How good at driving do you think you have to be to yell at somebody else for making a mistake? Nobody knows what they're doing. Nobody driving knows what they're... We're all just guessing. No clue. Yep.

every time I park in my parking garage for my apartment almost hit a car every single time cannot believe I haven't just the left side of this car I parked next to every single day should just be torn to shreds like a transformer just like Wolverine just

every day no clue I haven't totally that car next to me. And if you're driving with somebody and like, it's, you know, somebody turns in front of them

or like accidentally cuts them off and they're like, fuck you! I'm like, oh, you're a crazy person, you're a crazy person. There's something wrong with your head.

There's something wrong with your brain. The fuck! I'm like, dude, we're just going to the store. Like, I can't even imagine doing that if I was actually late for something that mattered. I'd be like, well, I mean, yeah, I guess.

Crazy. Oh, what was I going to say? Oh, people that back in, yeah. You've got to have a lot of patience. I'm not there yet. It's just everybody hates the guy who backs in so much. I want to be the guy who backs in. but I'm just not having that kind of a day, you know?

Like, guy who backs in is, it has a good life. He's got time. He's got patience. Doesn't matter. Imagine being in a hurry and then being like, Oh, whoa, making these noises. up like you're physically pushing the car I'm like I don't know what I don't know what that is

but I just if I have nothing going on some days like maybe I'll maybe I'll hit a back in but it really doesn't result in much after the fact I'm like you're like you you know what cool i just get to drive out of here but it's kind of embarrassing parking in not gonna lie kind of embarrassing back and then um a time i almost died scared for my life i almost i almost hit all eight of those barrels under a bridge one time when i was following my girlfriend to the gym what girlfriend jane daniel we were like meeting at gold's gym we always worked out

worked out but didn't work out oh god Jesus Christ this guy no but I was like following her and I have no idea this is so funny too because one time we were about to go eat somewhere or something and I was like you want me to drive and she goes I'll drive and I was like for real and she goes yeah you're kind of a shitty driver

I was like hell yeah oh my God thank you no dude Every exit, I'll stop at the exit for five seconds and check my phone. Is this the one I'm supposed to get off of? I treat exits like they're like a four-way stop. I'm like, I don't care. I don't care.

Let me take my time. But like I thought I was supposed to be in the left lane or something. And the lane ended, bro. I never, ever will see a lane end sign. Are you serious? Dog, I miss a lane end sign. 20 out of 20 times you need to

you need to put a firework show around lane end sign I'm like it's like a little note card on a poll how much and plus like I don't really for some reason I don't care I'm like it'll all just flow into two lanes then nope dude lane ended

I swear to God I almost hit eight of those yellow barrels God would that have been the funniest thing in the world and she didn't even see I was like, thank God, bro. Oh, my God. I was like, you see me almost get killed on the way here? She was like, no.

I was like, who Jesus Christ. Another thing, oh, we used to play this game. The guy's so stupid. How did I not die 15 times in high school? Should be across by the side of the road with a football helmet next to it. every time I see a cross on the side of the road should have been me

but yeah seriously though we used to play this game oh my god this is so dumb um it was called whoever makes a noise first loses I mean pretty pretty standard game everybody's played that game

but we do it like we do funny stuff like in the you know we'd just be like in a living room and make a noise it was everybody's turn to go you make a noise the rest of people like don't laugh or you know I mean if they laugh they're out it's fun damn it's fun I don't do it right now but um played it in the car one time it was my turn I'm driving whoever makes a noise first loses this is the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life and I'm driving like towards a stop sign and no one's making a noise

keep driving towards the stop sign no one's making a noise and I'm like somebody has to say something or else I really will commit to the bit um finally no actually no one says anything I'm like this close to the stop sign and I

we're in this girl's mom's brand new like BMW I don't know if it's a BMW probably was like a Mazda me on the highway just like peeling out midnight club GTA

tire marks lights dude it's dark out lights going everywhere cars are stopping and uh I think I'm the only one that made a noise I think I was like oh shit

I lost but that I think about that probably uh like twice a week I'm like I cannot believe that happened times I was scared for my life

oh I almost got chopped in half by an elevator this year yo amazing and I it's something in me like okay getting an Uber going to New Jersey to do a show

Uber's here I got a suitcase full of merch A suitcase full of just stuff I'm bringing I don't know Or maybe it's just one No it's a suitcase In like a duffel bag

And I go in the elevator Because I'm like I'm not taking this down the stairs Elevator gets like It gets stuck It's like 3 a.m. And I'm like

There's no way this is happening and I'm like for for one minute I'm like it'll start working again then I start getting hot I start pushing all the buttons and I call my roommate because like there's there's this much visibility

to the bottom floor the first floor I can like see down it this much and the in the elevator doors are open and it's like this and I like pull this like latch thing and I'm like yo I can get out of here call my roommate I'm like yo will you come down here and try to like pull this elevator down and he's like why don't you just like

tell the Uber guy to come later like reschedule your flight. I'm like, dude, I'd rather get sliced in half than reschedule a flight. I don't know why. Like, I'm just like, dude, no, it's same day. I'm like, it's just, I like, I put my, my suitcase, both suitcases like near the little like gap that's open and just kick them out of that break both suitcases. Then I'm like, dude, I think I'm coming out. And he's like, you're coming out? He's on the first floor. Like, you're coming out my legs are dangling from the top of the elevator out of this little gap and i just tried to slide like my whole body if at any minute that elevator decided to work

again slice me in half but he's got a whole handful of ass and he's just pulling me out And I just, I hit the ground, got both bags, went to the Uber. He waited for me for like an extra two minutes, salute. Because I usually dip off. Never been more awake in my life after that. But yeah, I should have died 50 times. What up. So this question might sound a little suss.

Yeah. But it's coming from a heterosexual man to another heterosexual man. On brand. But when you're on these reality TV shows, these dating ones, my question is, do dudes get boners on them? Meaning, like, there's a lot of sexual activity or games being played and, like, guys are hooking up with the girls. And, like, I always think, like, you know, they're in bathing suits and shit. I know. They're getting frisky, and, like, our dudes get popping boners, and, like, they don't show it, obviously, on the TV, but is that shit that you're seeing?

Because, like, guys get too excited, like, during these, like, Love Islands and all these dating shows. You've been on a couple, so let me know. God, that's a great question. I've got an insane answer for you, too. I didn't even know I had a dick. on that show. After day two I was like I've got Z because your

your brain for this is for me I don't know other normal guys might think normal stuff but there is so much going on in my head about like strategy and all this other stuff like overthinking everything like dude my

dick didn't stand a chance and then I come to realize that nobody else was even thinking like that either. I was like, yo, there's not, there's not a chance in hell. I'd get bricked during this. You're right here trying to look your breath, do your bet, you're trying to speak well, you're trying to like not be a loop, trying to impress, there's no time to get turned on. That was a big problem for me during the show too. She's like, you're not like very like sexually engaging. I was like,

Yo, it's because I'm worried about all this other stuff. My head's all over the place. You want to make out with you right now? So I stuck her whole foot in my mouth. No, but then there was a chance. Like there was like, on season two, there was like a... Okay, if they like you better, they get to spend the night with you or something like that. And it was like in the middle of the season.

it was like episode like six i was like damn and i wasn't there but somebody said a little viagra was involved don't know if somebody brought it but like i mean dude my my head would have been out of the game at that point i would have been like yo uh if you pick me i'm just gonna like take

a walk by myself on the beach I just I don't know I don't know I just wasn't happening but yeah there's no chance no chance way too many things going on to get to get hogged out for sure

hey this is Ashley your producer I was just wondering why are you so stupid Ashley get out of here fuck all right serious geez

I was just wondering, how makes your peepies? You're so fucking gross. Shut up! Go shoot your only fans, Ash. Maybe I will, you'll ding bat. All right. It's all seriousness. How bad do you think the Packers are going to get beat by the Bears

in the wild card since their whole team is dead? I love it. Probably by a lot. But the real question is, What is the best-flavored Pop-Tart? I'm going to say sneaking in, sneakily the best blueberry, but the OG best was the apple,

which where the fuck did it go? Fucking, I don't know, man. They need to bring that back. Give me the apple Pop-Tart. It was gas. Fuck. Fuck. Starts crying.

the apple pop tart with the little crisscross icing the little chain link icing I know what you're doing Pop-Tart you're trying to make it fancy

you're trying to make it like Christmas Day God dang it was good only good like randomly though couldn't get Apple Pop-Tarts like every oh and then the Apple Pop-Tart with the white icing that was straight sexy. I couldn't believe they put the white icing on that. Blueberry is a good sleeper.

Really, blueberry really came on to me. Like, um, when I got older for some reason. My dad put me on Blueberry. My dad used to be the king of Pop-Tarts. It was amazing. Like they didn't even count calories. Like they didn't even count every time you ate them. I'd walk into my dad, dude, single dad house. laundry room shelf against the wall just it was almost looked like a store amount of pop tarts every flavor a lot of hot fudge sunday in there and i was like i don't even like these and then i started just going in on them christmas break yeah might as well just have a pop tart i still at my dad's old house i still walk in the laundry room and just pray that there's one box love

They're all gone. And he had the fire flavors in there. He knew what he was doing. Cherry randomly. Oh, okay. Blueberry? Bro, a blueberry Pop-Tart just chilling. Raw?

So good. It's like, it's almost a little juicier. Strawberry gets all the glory, but blueberry, that's a girl you really love you know you go with strawberry because your friends are like bro yeah yeah do strawberries she's hotter bro but blueberry you're like i know i'm really in love with her that's who i should that's that's who i want to pick on pop tart island you're real dude blueberry has your whole entire soul dude you got the sole tie with blueberry you know you think about blueberry during the day randomly.

Blueberry's thinking about you too. Every time you think of blueberry pop tarts, she's thinking about you too. She's thinking about you even more. Good pick. You know, I was thinking about the other day, though. People used to get roasted for the unfrosted

strawberry pop tart. The unfrosted pop tarts across the board. I even used to be like, what is the point of that? Dog. Hear me out. What if you got the strawberry

unfrosted Pop-Tart and made your own icing on there? What if that's what that's for? What if they're like, give them a blank canvas? Everybody is dragging unfrosted strawberry Pop-Tarts. What if the choice is up to you?

Why don't you just walk out of the store with some unfrosted strawberry pop tarts in a can of icing? Shut up. Dude, I would glop. Glop icing on a strawberry unfraud. I might even, I might even take my little happy-ass

in the sprinkle aisle. Hey, I made my own my own icing. If I have a fat-ass day coming up, you better believe unfrosted strawberry, unfroasted blueberry with my own icing on top put butter on them make a sandwich oh my god my best friend's younger sister never forget growing up my best friend lived in a fat house lived in a rich house not really but like they had rich people food i was just blown away they had pop tarts

all the time i pull up i uh ride my bike to his house pull up Put my kickstand down. She comes out. She, I think she's six. Comes out of the garage. Pop-Tart sandwich with butter in the middle. Not a stick of butter, but just like butter, like she put butter on them. And she, I was like, oh, my God.

Who's letting you do this shit? Blew my mind. But that with icing in between? also can your sister make me a giant pop tart I can't stop thinking about that since that picture I saw me neither bro and I just want that so bad oh my god

me too tell her to ship it to me I'll pay or whatever it's so fucking cool I can't stop thinking about it the red oh my god Wow Not wrong Love you buddy Love you more

Love you more I think about that Pop-Tart a lot So my sister She Bakes She made me An XL Pop-Tart Wildberry Kind of like

What the winning team Gets in the Pop-Tart Bowl But like It's like eight and a half by 11 paper you know it's your old college ruled size on a tray and you know what the thing she said to me that just got me before she left she gave she like brought it to my apartment on my birthday it's like 9.36 p.m. It's going to go bad if you don't eat in the next couple hours. Doug, you give me a deadline on sweets?

Tore it up, man. Gone. Seven minutes. What I'd give to go through that again, bro. That was the, dude, I was, I think my, I think my, my eyes were watering when I was ripping that apart. If you could have seen me, I might have been singing a song. Hey. There she goes.

There she goes. No one knows what was happening in that 15 minutes and I was just tearing that Pop-Tart up. It was like that. God dang it, man. Ideas talk about food. Send the Addie. So I have so many questions.

Wait. One, do you love yourself? because the way how those white forces are set up, I'm starting to question that. Easy. Did you ever get rid of those black jeans that you ripped at one of your shows? Three, okay, actually, this is frail, fro.

Now, when you are feeling like you just don't want to do anything and you need to be productive, like how do you get yourself to like stay walked in because it's hard out here sometimes. So actually, that's the one I really want to know. Like, how do you stay positive and locked in and keep going with what you're doing? Because you're killing it right now.

Like, for real, for all. Gonna cry? Wow, real question, real moments. Here we go. White forces, they match everything. I got to wear them. They're the perfect size. They go with everything.

I can't I don't know I should wash them more probably you're right you're right you're right I just don't want to be the guy that's just buying new brand new white shoes

like every four weeks it's just I'm too cheap for that I should wash them more I should wash them more I should wash them more I will um what else

oh black jeans that I ripped the crotch out of them Do I still have them? No, I threw them away in the hotel and I just bought what I think is the same pair again last night on Paxon.com. But I had to guess, you know, I had to filter jeans, jeans, baggy, black. I'm like, I mean, it's got to be here somewhere. I think I picked the wrong pair. But we're trying to, the rebirth of the black jeans is coming back, hopefully.

I don't know. They might be like gray and I'm going to be pissed and never return. earn them. When you don't want to do stuff, how do you do it? You got to do the hardest thing. It's the only answer. And you know what it is every single time. I just don't.

I just can't. I just like my brain. Like I just, you're just making excuses because there's something you know you got to do deep down. You know it. You know it. There's never been a time where you didn't know it. You always know what you got to do.

It's just that one thing. And you're like, God, and you just got it, you just got to, it sucks. It's never easy. Whenever you don't want to do something, it's never easy to get past that. It's the hardest thing in the world. But then you do it and you're like,

that's what I was freaking out about that. But yeah, you got to do the thing you don't want to do. And what gets you, do what really helps with, I mean, I've said this a billion times, what really helps with like getting there and getting it done? got to move around first thing morning wake up go just go just go just go just go just go it sucks so bad you'll be mad the whole time but you gotta go healthy drugs for your brain just working out nobody's ever worked out and been like oh my god hey shouldn't have done that

shut up then the rest of your day is a thousand percent easier telling you it's something science. It's a fact of human brain function. You move around, you twist around, you do hard stuff, you accomplish stuff first thing in the morning, the rest of your day. You're just floating. Oh, I got to do this? Well, I already did that. So we're good. Oh, my God. I was so scared to do that last night, but I think I, we can, we're good. Don't be able to be just different, different type of confidence after you work out a little bit in the morning. Yeah. Hey, Benedict. I wanted to know why did you leave or finally leave Indiana.

I actually kind of have known about you since Indianapolis is a small city and then seeing your growth from serving tables at the Eagle, running around the same circles downtown, and then you're, you know, being comedian and being on a show and now to L.A., how has the journey been? and then what made you take the big step to move to California. Hope everything's good. God, I love you so much. Thanks for the question. Yeah, it just felt like I needed to do it. You ever just feel something and you're like, I got to just try it or do something.

Like you're just drawn to it and you're just like, I can't not do that. it's what it's what i felt like when i started to do stand up too i just every day i woke up i got i was so mad and i was like hot when i woke up and i was like i got to do stand what am i do i got to do it same thing with l.a i was like even if like i don't even know what i'm talking about i got to try it like i just got to i just got to figure it out and it took a long time to figure out why did i want to i just feel like um i don't know everybody i like look up to and stuff like that is out here and I'm like it's got there's got to be something going on more eyes for people

who like you know can can like make moves and stuff like that but I've I've waited out a lot of times like man you can live anywhere and do anything because the internet or like I don't know one time I compared it to like you know you're playing you're playing you're playing You're playing basketball with your homies one day. You know, you're just messing around with your homies. Okay, you're having fun. It's great. It's cool.

Then you get asked to play with the adults in the, like, on that court, like a few down where it's like, yo, they're like balling for real. That's what I felt like this was, like big leagues. Like even if I'm not ready, like, yo, let me play. Like, let me get, let me, let me just run back. Let me run up and down a couple of times. with you guys just to like see see what I'm made of like it was just one of those things let me let me run with the dogs let me get a taste you can hang you can hang but it was more like the challenge that I was looking

forward to like can I can I can I still trying to figure it out out here but feels like it's going in the right direction I think you guys could probably tell more than I can explain it. But yeah, that's kind of what it was. You're just drawn to something and you just go. Like whether you like it or not. Like it does one time it didn't even work. I came out to L.A. in like 2018 and tried it.

And I was like, yeah, I just can't, I can't do it right now. Like, you got to swallow your ego and just be like, yo, I don't. Didn't have enough money. Didn't know enough stuff. Like didn't just wasn't adding up. Didn't feel right. And then like, I'm like, I got to. learn some more things and go through some more stuff.

It's not like my time. Went back to Indiana. You know, just worked hard, worked hard, worked hard, worked hard, worked as hard as you ever can. And then you're like, yeah, I'll just try it again. Now I'm here doing the exact same thing. So that's why. But that's funny.

You know, days at day serving tables. Just thinking about being out here serving tables. Because you know when you're serving tables, it's kind of like you're on autopilot and you're just thinking about stuff. the entire time not not even necessarily like the the orders and stuff like that like you got that you're good it's like when you're washing dishes or like cooking and you're just like thinking you're like Jesus Christ every time I was serving tables and just like on autopilot I'd be like yo you know this is what I should be doing right now boom should be making sketches boom should be out in LA

boom should be hitting the stage hard should be just should be just grinding I know that's like what every guy says ever but it's really what it was and then just took an opportunity every opportunity I had to live out here was always because somebody was like why the hell don't you live out there and I was like I guess you're right

one time Nikki Glazer told me too she was like yeah it's probably time to move out there and I was like oh shit okay well if you're telling me definitely gonna do it the living situation you never know first time it was just with a random comedian second time it was another random

it's with Marco from F. Boy Island he's like dude just live with me and we'll figure it out and I was like I guess but yeah that's how it all went down now I'm with Logan Hollywood Boulevard six set up I think you can't go wrong when you got a target down the street and LA Fitness down there I mean what I when he had

more can you ask for. Hey, yo, what is up? Zayneer. I'm a 20-year-old South African. And I'm starting of content creation. And I'm not sure what type of questions you are specifying that we should ask. But I'd like to ask, how did you manage to grow so much, especially in a short amount of time? And like, what do you advise I do as like a beginner content creator?

I currently have 1.3K followers on. Facebook and yeah that's just about it god what a question being real out here it's a good question um you just got to realize that like everything you create and put out like they're not going to be home runs i was trying i mean every video i make ever in the world i try to like swing big you know because what why not but like they're not all gonna like you like you got to go through some shit on the internet before you like hit some something that that works you know what i mean like how many how many ls have i taken on ticot probably like 95% you just got to be okay with that and you just got to know like yo just let me cook just cook for a little bit

i've never met anybody that's just made videos and like they all just bang immediately it just doesn't work like that like you gotta you gotta go through some stuff and i think that's where why like where people quit is sorry i just can't i just don't i hate the internet it's your fault dude it's your fault um so yeah i don't think i grew very much in a short amount of time either i just kept like i was just like if something didn't work i was like god damn it why didn't that work and then i would just try to figure something out and i was writing every day for stand-up and comment i think of like well that might be funny and i would just try it like even if it was embarrassing i'd just be like bro just try it just try it and then it's always the one honestly

it's always the ones you don't think are gonna bang that bang so you never know even today like i'll be making a video and i'll be trying to give advice to logan for a video but i'm like yo dog but in the end like i don't know But I'd try that. Like, it's all about just trying stuff and not being scared. It's, it seems crazy, too, because, like, your friends follow you and they might be like, oh, my God, like, you're so, like, okay, like, what? Like, who cares?

They just wish they were doing what you were doing. But my advice is just try stuff. And, uh, yeah, hopefully something works out. It will if you keep trying. All right, Benny Boy. Benny I got a question for you, my man dude

what happened to Trinidad James Come on now dude Trinidad James Gold on my chain Gold on my rain He was hot for a minute

Hold on my watch Don't believe me do you watch I would say the soft day But you know dude I was just talking about him the other day I hope like this is this is some dumb

I cannot believe you just brought this up I hosted or I had my first like stand up comedy show in indie it went well and then the booker who booked me for that was like yo you want to host like a concert and I was like I'm not saying no to anything and I was like who is it And he was like, Trinidad James is coming to this bar.

And this was after the Gold Al-em-a-Wa. That was like 2011 or something when that song was hot. This was like 2017 or 18. So it was a lot of years after. People still knew though. And I was like, I'll do it. So I'm just like at a bar kind of know. knows it's going on you know how come

every event I'm like attached to I'm at a bar like and I'm the host and no one in the bar knows that there's an event happening I'm like Jesus Christ so I'm like just like you know

hey we're gonna start in 10 minutes keep the drinks go just saying stupid like I was a DJ like I didn't really know what I was doing I was just kind of winging it because I just didn't care I was saying yes to everything and then the show is supposed to start at this bar at like 9 p.m. You already know dude shows up at 11.48 p.m.

But it kind of works out because like the bar is kind of like lit then just for just on some default admission. You know what I mean? People are already just in there and then they're like, oh, Trinidad James just comes on the stage and rips like four of his best songs. I forget the other song he was known for, but it was kind of good too. Something only? I can't remember. But then he just hung out in VIP and I got a picture with him. I'll put the picture.

I'll put the picture on the Patreon or something, but it was insane. What happened to him, bro? I don't know. He's another one of those guys. Did he die? Hey, one question. did Trinidad James die another one of those guys

with Roscoe Dash with Travis Porter Sean Kingston I don't know man I don't know he was cool though the only thing I got to say about he was cool though

and do you catch you breath when I look at you are you holding back I like the way I do, because I tried and trying to walk away. But I know this crush ain't going highway. Yeah, he, yeah. He, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, this thing's on.

Wait, does it sound like I'm, like, taking off at an airport right now? I'm on a bridge. My question to you, I really, I really just know that I'm trying to be nice. but like what was that podcast though so bad it was so so painful i was off the espresso pod for a few weeks on christmas break i listened to you while i drive to work i was like you know what yesterday was monday i wanted to off myself but i'm like but i got an espresso pod to listen to turn that shit on what was that were those videos sent in by fan members because if So I hate to break it to them.

Those were not funny at all. We tried. Not one of those videos was funny except Haunty. Not one, the guy like running a marathon in the closet, like, I guess, like cool for you, dude. But like, that's not funny. We're not laughing. We're just like watching. Like, is he really going to do this?

Maybe fam didn't like fully understand the assignment. Also, like that food commentary guy, that was so pain. to watch and then you like read you played it back oh god i had to like fast forward a little bit i never fast forward to you but had to fast forward a couple of those um but like good for you i wanted to applaud you for trying something new in the new year and also like you didn't really uh laugh and you kind of let him have it at the end saying like you know we got to bring it a little more next time i'm just like i'm part of the problem though because i didn't send in a video i'm trying to think like what i would have sent in i have no idea maybe like that l-a turtle guy like

He fucking cracks. Oh, sorry, I'm cursing a lot. He cracks me up. But, you know, like, we need to keep it like 30 second clips or under because watching some of those for three minutes on end. I mean, just painful. But again, I applaud you. Handled it like a champ. We live.

We love. We go to the lake. We live. We love. We go to the lake. Okay. This is Hunty signing off. Actually, no, sorry.

This is Jan Danielle signing off. Yes, Pian. Love you. I don't know. know, got to try new stuff. Almost had a stroke. I'm going to start crying. But yeah, I mean, I don't know. Ask for funny videos. Don't get very many funny videos.

What do you do? Got to overcome adversity, man. We'll try again. We'll try again. Probably in like three years. But it seemed like a good idea thinking about it. I'm like, yeah, send in funny videos and we'll react to them. Sounds lit.

You got to bring the heat. Got to bring the heat. What's the pod without the videos? It's not a pod. So, yeah. You're right. You're right. Hey.

Hey, we'll retool. We'll go back to the drawing board. We'll prepare next week. It's all we can do. Deal with the hand that's given to us. But yeah. I know. I know.

I know. It'd be like that sometimes. It's two days. Days of the week. Good questions, yo. Real answers, real questions? Never thought it'd happen. Days of the week. Thursday. Today. Cuddle up day. How do you get in a relationship

and then do anything? You know what I'm saying? How do you sleep? How do you cuddle with a girl or your man? And then do anything after that? There's just something about me where if that's happening, if I'm doing that, you'd call it a day, babe.

It's it. I will invent. the worst excuses to stay in the nest. My, dude, if I'm cuddling with a girl, my time management skills, worst of all time. I have no priorities. That's amazing. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, it's cold, I'm wrapped up.

Tangle. up. Hey, you expect me to do something after this? Lost your damn mind. I don't know. Some people are like, I don't like cuddling. I probably said that before, but yo. Sometimes it just, you just melt.

Wild. But if you're in killer mode, if you're in Spider-Man, what is it called? One Kill, at Kill mode activated. You can't be cuddling, bro. You got things to do.

Girl, you know, we got things to do. But it's amazing. National Career Coach Day gotta be the fakesest job in the world. In the world. The fakes job in the world.

Yep, uh-huh. Name Scott. I'm a life coach. Excuse me? Name Scott. I just did the right thing for one year. Now I think I'm better in everybody, and I can tell you how to live your life. All right, dude.

I mean, the most fake job occupation of all time. Life coach, yeah. You got a decision, you'd run it by me. Can you imagine paying somebody? Yeah, I would like some logic, please. Actually, I might need one. Never mind. I want Subway, Scott.

Here's $5. Don't get Subway. Okay. Scott, should I get a sweet treat? No. Thank you. Okay, you need a life coach. Friday.

National Bobblehead Day. She's a bobblehead. She's a bobblehead. It go boing, ba, boing, boing, boing, boing. Do you guys remember that? Real ones do. It go boing, buing, boing, boing. Maybe that was just on some underground CD my friend made for me,

and it was track like number 14. And I was like, what is this? But I kept listening to it. Kind of, you know how people collect bobbleheads? But like it's not as relevant or prevalent as like trading cards. I think bobbleheads should get a little more respect. those ones at like Cincinnati Reds games and stuff I'm like yo that's kind of sick real bobbleheads like a real wall like what I'd give for a Kurt Warner

bobblehead that's the answer to the question earlier who's a random athlete that always pops in your head Kurt Warner god damn bobbleheads are sick like it's they're so legit they're like made they're you know they're made of like whatever, like, potted plants are made out of, like that? The detail? That's kind of real, man. Put some respect on bobbleheads. National apricot day.

Hey, are apricots? Like the apricots that are dried and put in a bag? Are those just elbows? are dried apricots just weanuses first time I saw dried apricot I was like dude I mean that's not

33 of my dad's elbows in a bag like I mean what what are we doing also So, is dried fruit better than normal fruit? Banana chips or banana? Which one are you eating? Dried apple skins or an apple? Come on.

Dried mango and mango? Slat me in the face, push me down the stairs. Dried fruit. Better than normal fruit. National static electricity day Remember how many times you would get shocked when you were a kid Not like But you'd be like

I just remember being at a grocery store And like reaching for like Fudge rounds or something And then you'd like touch the metal That the boxes would sit on It'd be like You'd be like Oh my God!

I just got shocked. And why do you got to tell everybody, too? Like, they care. Oh my God, you shocked me. Remember that used to happen all the time? It doesn't happen anymore. I'd like shock my sister all the... Oh my God.

Oh, my God. We shocked each other. Dude, getting shocked. Electricity fell off. It would happen four times a day growing up. Oh, my God, I got shocked. Mom, I got shocked. She'd be like, okay, well, just stay close to the cart.

so many times you shocked me at your cousins you shocked me oh my god is that just me just me this thing on house plant

appreciation day I don't know do I appreciate them enough God when I see a plant though when I see a plant though when I see a plant with those big fat leaves just chilling I don't care if it's in a house

I don't care if it's real I don't care if it's fake I'm slapping one of those big leaves one of those Cleopatra leaves just putting the hurting on one of those things they just they're asking for it too

like a well like when you see a dog walk in you just give it one of these that's what I'm doing to every fat leafed plant I see that feels so good too and I think they appreciate it cut your energy costs day no because it doesn't count where you're like oh my god my energy bill through the roof this month I don't know like leaving a dude I leave my bathroom

light on the whole day and I'm like well is that 17 cents can't stand the light fan combo in a bathroom though like we got it we got to fix that if that might be the one way I learn how to like rewire a light. I would cut that fan cord so quick.

Dude, yeah, let me just turn the bathroom light on. What'd you say? Oh, sorry, the lights on my bathroom. Who thought that was a good idea Whole house on fire would never know Sunday got to go ahead and go

Uh sex trafficking awareness day TBT to the time I almost got sex trafficked at the LA airport Uh Hey sex traffickers Let's pick it up a little bit

All right You're gonna come at me with some sex traffic I was waiting for my Uber sat on a bench to wait for it this lady comes over to me sits by me hey like don't get an Uber I can just give you a ride I was like

I think I told her to shut the fuck up honestly I was like I was almost like are you sex you're asking me right now like I almost geeked out over it like this is it this is it hey oh

hey watch out for this hey watch out for this devil she's coming with the heat like yo it's like so expensive to get an Uber you should just like ride them with me I was like

oh you fucking wish you idiot oh my god shut up it was the funniest thing ever I was like yo but then she kept sitting there after I was like I'm just gonna roll with the Uber babe like I'm good oh my god Oh, they're looking for you.

You're the dangerous one they've been talking about. Okay. Oh, my God. Yeah. Got my Uber and I was like, I think she's in here too. But, uh, yeah, TBT, Tom, I almost got sex traffic. I was like, I don't know if you're, are you like, did they just sign you? Did they just sign you?

Are you like, are you like, on the rookie contract? You kind of like, don't know the pitch yet. You can make this way better. Like throwing a pizza or something. Wow. It's funny. Never forget it. Uh, yeah.

Sit! Great pod. Always is. Love you guys forever. Um, yeah. Keep sending them in, babe. We'll try the video.

pod again a couple weeks or something like that we'll get it going but the pot is honestly run by you I'm just the director producer

but you guys bring the heat I don't know if that's pressure I don't know I don't know I don't know but besides the video pod you guys always slay so thank you love you Coach P.Core of the week

here we go Here we go, here we go. Here we go. Pain and sacrifice are the only gifts. No one wants. Why don't they want it? Too hard. Too hard.

What a pain and sacrifice bring you. Success. Nobody else has. All right, fam. I love you. grind mode cuddle mode out

talk to you next week bye