Espresso - bald & fat (feat. comedian Ray Hensley)

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

I like big guys | we're creepier than TikTok | the sex talk | seafood is gross (still eating it tho) | our fetishes |

Oh, come on, say something. You want me to like freestyle right now? Sing a little bit, yeah. It's Ben and Ray, we aren't real. Everybody knew what you were going to say. All right, never mind. Oh, forget it. Start this over.

Let's start this over. We aren't real, but maybe. Yeah. Oh, forget it. Start this over. Let's start this over. We aren't real, but maybe. I don't know. I mean, we messed around a little bit in Orlando. It's fine. It's Fort Myers. It's whatever, though. Just the first six seconds bury the whole podcast.

Let's get canceled right out of the gate. Let's go down together, bud. We did. We just did. Oh, okay. Shot 118. Espresso Podcast. Ben Polizzi got Ray Hensley up in here. So is that where they took your hair from?

What? From the back of your leg. We're going to bring that up. I told you I was going to. Dude, I don't know. I joked about that the day before surgery. Because every time I have surgery like my biggest fear is that they're gonna like put me down like put me down put me out like I'm

a dog like sedate me and then they're just they just like do whatever they want to me and I was like what if they just like pulled on my pants slapped my ass and then like woke me back up and they're like you're good like didn't do any of the procedure. And then two days later, I was taking a shower, and I looked in the mirror, and I was like, how do I have two bruises? Are those bruises? I thought it was a shadow at first. Yeah, I was looking at my ass in the mirror.

From that thick ass. Everybody's like, how'd you find those? How'd you see those? I was like, I looked in the mirror. Who doesn't check out their body? Who doesn't look at their ass in the mirror? I look at every part of my body. I think my butt getting big. I just got one of those full-length mirrors, and I just stare at every corner of my body.

The only mirror you have is the car mirror that you flip down. What is on my ass? Yeah, I just spread eagle on the seat. It's the only mirror I got. Sorry, guys, people walking by. I had a stoplight. I had a stoplight. Just spread eagle. That's stupid. So I don't know how those got there, honestly.

I've been sedated once. What happened? My knee surgery. I had to get knee surgery. I had to get my ACL, my meniscus repaired. And that was the weirdest thing, is being knocked out. Why? It's like the best sleep you've ever had in your life. Not for you, because you woke up in the middle. I woke up in the middle.

No, they knocked me out. I remember they were like, count backwards from 100, and I was like, 100, 99, out. I was out so fast. You didn't even start counting. Yeah. Count backwards from 100. I'm like, what do you start with? You're already all

fucked up. Count backwards from 100. Z! Y! This isn't a sobriety test. You're drunk as hell. Just start touching my nose and shit. You start walking in a straight line. Stand up in my little

backless gown or whatever it is. You feel guilty because you're drunk so you start just doing sobriety tests right when they ask you. You're like, oh fuck. Just one leg in it, just right there. I'm just like, I'm sober. I'm sober, officer, please. They're like, you're here for me

surgery. We're the ones who drugged you. Yeah, so I don't know. I always have a fear that they're going to do something to me during surgery and I woke up and had bruises on the back of my legs. What else can that be from, honestly? Have you been sitting down a lot? I mean, yeah,

but it's not painful. Aggressively? Yeah, just doing cannonballs on the couch every time I sit down. I'm going to take a rest. You know what I mean? On the front of the... Yeah, that frame. And simultaneously both legs. Ready, ready? Here we go.

You ever sat on an uncomfortable couch like that and you just catch that bar in the middle of it? Oh, you're like... You just tailbone it so fucking hard. You're just like... Tailbone it. How come that's the worst pain, your tailbone? It's like your funny bone and your tailbone.

You're like, whoa, I'm never going to walk again. You don't hit your tailbone enough, I don't think. You don't really know what it feels like. You don't hit it enough. But that one time you do catch it. I'm going to start hitting my own tailbone every day so I'm ready. Just to build up an immunity to it? Every morning.

Mom! Get the wooden bat. Yeah. That's stupid as hell. That's my favorite shit. I do. I get bruises all the time just like in random spots like i started doing construction and i just i'm just hurt all the time the amount of times like i'll just like get home and like take my shirt off and just be like oh shit what happened

and i'm like oh yeah i caught a nail earlier like on my stomach that is a funny thing about dudes like we'll get hurt we won't even look at it. Like a bloody leg. We won't know until somebody tells us at the store the next day. When we were kids, my little brother Brad. You have a brother? Yeah, I mean, don't most people? Dude, when I think of you, I think of you as zero family. Just yourself.

I just appeared one day. You raised yourself. I just raised myself, yeah. I just appeared one day. I have like a mist just raised myself, yeah. I just appeared one day. I have like a mist. I swear to God. What's up? I'm Ray.

Already an adult. I've never been to elementary school. You've never been a kid. I've never. I don't even know what it is. I was just made in like a lab. I'm like that weird science movie, but instead of like the hot girl, I just came out like this fat bearded dude.

They're like, use his DNA when we're done. Then you get out and they're like, never mind, just let him go. You can already drive and everything. They're just like, here you go. Get the fuck out of here. Good luck. They just gave me a hammer and was like, you'll figure it out. You'll figure it out.

So you're living with your dad? Yeah, for now, during this stage of my life. Dude, I really did. I feel like I moved to Greenwood. I haven't left the house. Dude, I haven't put on socks and underwear in two weeks. Really? Okay, one week.

I'm chilling. I know I came out here. I'm like six years old again. I came out to your house the other day, and you had your shirt off, and Jesus. You are a good-looking dude. Like, I'm not gay, but I would did you see my face though? yeah no I didn't care there was like blood rushing down my face

you're like god dang there he is those eyes those eyes super sore your face was all busted up and I still could not take my eyes off that body. You know what I mean? Thanks, man.

No, yeah. I was just... Dude, how has quarantine changed you? I've gotten fatter. I was going to say that when you walked in, but I failed it. You said I should start bullying you for being fat so you lose weight. You bullied me about my hair.

Yeah, I bullied you every day for three years. But yeah, I got to start bullying you into being fat so you lose weight. Did you see my comment when you shaved your head? No. Oh, yeah. I was like, how does it look thicker? It's true. I got that haircut.

I thought you shaved your head for something else. I didn't know you were doing all this. You were like so secretive about it. I didn't tell anybody. I should get lipo. You need to bully me into getting lipo. That's what I want. Damn.

How hard would it be to get lipo? I don't know, man. The fattest you've ever been was probably when you slipped in my car. Oh, yeah, I slipped in your car. That's the fattest thing you've ever done. When you fell down sitting down. You just hear your shocks go, hee hee. Just that little squeak of me falling into your truck.

No, the fattest thing you've ever done that I've never even brought up or told anybody is one time I was getting off stage and you were getting on stage. And I went to fist bump you, like just normal. And instead of fist bumping me back back you put your hand under mine like I was going to drop some M&M's in it I don't know you thought I was going to like you know when you're like I have something for you and you put your hand under there like when you're a kid

and you drop like some Skittles in it I swear to God you thought I had like a couple Tootsie Rolls in my hand like Like I had them there the whole set. These are starting to melt. I gotta get out of here. Guys, these are getting I'm gonna bring up your headliner because these things are about to melt. I swear. I was like, what?

I don't have food for you? You should do that to me one time because I think that'd be so funny. Just a handful of M&M's and I'm just like, alright. You just put them back before you're set. And I'm just like alright You just put them back Before you're set And they're just like Let's talk about me

Spend the first minute of my set Trying to get M&M's out of my teeth Cause you know The shell and everything Just cakes your teeth I'm used to this So you have a girlfriend though? I don't Not at all You looked at me like you do though

no i don't i don't have a girlfriend i don't you want one yeah i've been thinking about it a lot lately me too you can't do comedy like near as much anymore so like like you have a lot more free time it's weird so your head starts like thinking about like all this like random shit and certain like so instead of like trying to write jokes all the time my head's like i should have a kid i just want to do this i want to do this i want to like i want a girlfriend like bad like i don't know i've done a lot of i would know i've done a lot of cool stuff with my life right like i played in a traveling band where we toured everywhere for 10 years. No one knows about that.

I don't talk about it. I don't know why I don't talk about it. It's like such an impressive thing that like I've done. Yeah, it's crazy. And then after that, that's when I started doing standup. So two things you've done in your life? I've done a lot of cool shit in my life. No.

Planted drums and standup. It's a lot of, that is a lot of cool stuff though, right? I mean, so because of all of that, I've built a pretty cool life for myself, right? Yeah, I mean, you're fat, but... Yeah, built. You've built that shit. You keep building it every day, man.

You've built them bitch tits. Big-ass house. Big-ass house. No, I have, but I've built a pretty cool life Bitch tits. Big ass house. Big ass house. No, I have, but I've built a pretty cool life where I get to travel around. I get to do certain things, and I'm living pretty comfortably now. You know what I mean? So you want to have a girl to share it with?

Yeah, I want to have somebody. It doesn't have to be a girl. It could be a dog or something with me. I feel you about having so much time. Isn't it weird how your head just starts going down rabbit holes? And then we look at our phones 24-7. I check my

emails still every 15 minutes to see if I have a show. Damn. Hopefully a club emailed me. Even though I haven't shot out of veils in like you've never shot out of veils but you're waiting for clubs to email you if they want me they'll hit me up yeah right they've seen my shit no i haven't shot out uh veils availability to comedy clubs in a few months dude speaking of like we weren't even speaking about this but speaking of like, we weren't even speaking about this, but.

Speaking of, and then just. TikTok's crazy, right? No, I really am going to say that. Like me and you are hooked on TikTok. Like that's all we talk about outside of anything. And they were going to ban it. What would we do with like 48 hours extra a week? You actually have like a career on TikTok. How many followers you got?

Like 450? 450,000? It's almost half a mil. I need to try harder on TikTok. I really do. You post every day and it's always quality content. No, it's not. I literally stand in front of my shower curtain.

I like that approach. That's my whole thing that I do. I just talk about nothing. I'd be sad if they got rid of TikTok. I honestly would too. You would be? Yeah. I mean, I really do enjoy watching TikTok. It's fun. There's some of the funniest videos I've seen on TikTok. It was like Vine from back in the day. Did you mess with Vine? I did, but I wasn't good at internet stuff then. I didn't care and just posted stupid shit. You think you could do the seven seconds thing now? I would that that's a challenge seven seconds and there's no option for a minute

I love that but if you post something on TikTok that's longer like that's a minute it doesn't do shit trust me on TikTok yeah it's like pointless oh I mean I got every time i got like 200 000 views on like a video that was out the tiktok crowd is weird they'll like like your weirdest video you never thought and then like the one you do that you're like this is gonna be good it's like your ice tray ones the funniest tiktok i've seen they took they cut the audio from it i know it's so that's so bad what they get like 48 million views? It was crazy. I couldn't believe, like, when I first watched that video, I sent it to like so many people. I was like, this is funnier than shit.

It took me a lot of takes trying to throw that fucking tray into the freezer with my feet. Oh yeah. That's so funny. And the audio fit perfectly with it. And you're spinning it and everything. I thought that was such a great video. Thanks, man. My favorite one that I did was the smash one.

Somebody commented on my video, what does smash mean? Oh, yeah. I saw that. And I told her about, I talked to her about the birds and the bees. I thought that was like my favorite one that I've done. Did you, did your parents give you a sex talk when you were young? Not at all. You?

No. I don't, I don't know who's getting these sex talks. Who, what family did that? Like how, how lame like does your kid have to be? Like that you're a parent and you're like, I don't think he knows about sex. My parents didn't teach me anything. I know. My parents still don't.

Yeah, still my dad is just like, you'll figure it out. Right. That's the only way to learn shit, though. I work for my dad. I work for my dad doing carpentry. He doesn't tell you shit. He just gave you a hammer one day. He goes, here's the blueprints.

Figure it out. And I was like, seven. This isn't Legos. I was like seven years old. And he's like, here's blueprints. Build this house. I'll be back at lunch. I'm like, what old, and he's like, here's Blueprint. Build this house. I'll be back at lunch. I'm like, what?

But no, yeah, I've never had the talk with my parents. I think the only talk that my dad ever really had with me was, if you ever get drunk, call me. I don't want you driving. My dad hit me with that, too. But he didn't even say drunk. He was just like, if you need a ride, that was it. But he didn't even say drunk.

He was just like, if you need a ride, like, you didn't know that was it. Yeah. And then we were talking about, like, somebody had a kid, and he was like, hey, that'll change everything. Those are, like, the only two things he ever said to me. I was like, oh, all right. What if he did have the talk, but it's, like, one of those, like, repressed memories where, like, you were just like, that was awkward, so we're going to put that away. Yeah. Like, never ever think about that before again. Like, being a parent, why wouldn't you think your kid needed it, you know?

Right? I don't, like, who doesn't know about it? Like, if I saw the browser history, he gets it. He gets it. Trust me, he knows all about it. Yeah. Took him five turns to spell Pornhub right, but he got it. And he does like Brazilian women.

Lady boys. That's what he likes. Okay. I had a segment on here. I put out like what's the most psycho thing your parents ever did when you were a kid. And people like sent in submissions. What's yours? Oh my gosh.

My parents weren't ever like psycho. When you got in trouble, did they do something crazy to you for a punishment? No. You had nice parents? What the fuck? I was always a good kid. No wonder you're fat, dude. I was always a good kid. My parents rewarded my goodness with food.

So yeah, that's why I'm fat. Shit, we never had good food growing up, man. Obviously. My mom was a very good cook. Damn. Very good cook. Damn. Like, very good cook. Yeah. Like, what was the number one thing she made that you were like, mom, I want that for my

birthday? Oh, she makes, oh my gosh. Come on, dude. This is my shit, dude. I can't wait. Her baked macaroni and cheese is fantastic. Baked? I never fucked with that.

You don't like baked macaroni? The macaroni and cheese in the oven with the, it's kind of burnt on top. You got the crispies on top? I was always like, I want Velveeta. I hated V with that. The macaroni and cheese in the oven is kind of burnt on top. I was always like, I want Velveeta. I hated Velveeta. Baked macaroni and cheese was always very, very good. And then her mom, so grandma, always made macaroni salad.

Macaroni salad was so good. What's in that? You just fucking love macaroni. I just like macaroni. And for my birthday we'd go out to macaroni grill. Is that a place? That sounds good. Is it really? It sounds good, obviously.

No, it does. We're going to go there after this? And then my mom would always make me a carrot cake for like my birthdays and shit. And I love carrot cake. Damn. That's the only vegetables that I ever got. Just kidding. I'm just saying carrot cake no i do i love carrot cake what kind of cake you like you like carrot cake my favorite cake man i don't want to be a bitch and say funfetti but it might be

that's like the bitchiest just the just the the most like third grade birthday party thing it's really the only thing I could think of. I was thinking about walking down the cake aisle in the store. It's such a prominent aisle. Which one sticks out to me? I was like, Funfetti, Red Velvet, and then German Chocolate. German Chocolate, I love. Gross.

It looks like somebody threw up that box of cake with the icing. It looks like somebody just yacked on a cake. What about pie? That's my shit. What kind of pie do you fuck with? I think just straight up apple. Apple's great. Yeah.

I mean, apple, I like pecan. What the, what's wrong with you? What? Pecan pie. What's wrong with pecan pie? You're like, I like pot pie. Pot pie is good, though. You ever had pot pie?

The only other vegetable you've had. The only other. Pot pie is good. It's always like one I like pot pie. Pot pie is good, though. You ever had pot pie? The only other vegetable you've had. The only other. Pot pie is good. It's always like one million degrees, though. Every time I have pot pie, I'm like. Isn't it, though? You have to like poke it with a bunch of forks, go watch like a whole season of New Girl on TV and then come back and then watch it.

You're like, it's still kind of. Do you have some ice cubes? Did you ever put ice cubes like when you had chili growing up that was way too hot? Did you ever put ice cubes in it when you had chili growing up that was way too hot? Did you ever put ice cubes in it? Like it's not a thing anymore. It was so good. Yeah. I haven't had chili in forever.

My mom used to make some really good chili, too. She's a good cook. Everything she made was good. Except for her meatloaf. You didn't know? I like meatloaf, but I'm allergic to ketchup. That is the weirdest thing about you ever That you don't like ketchup It's not that I don't like it, I'm allergic to it

It like swells up my lips and I blister up and stuff So sometimes you just like take it You're like damn I really want some fries Well no my mom didn't believe that I was allergic to ketchup For a long time But like every time I go to eat it My lips would blister up She was just dead set.

She thought it was something else. You know what I mean? So one day she made... How can a fat guy be allergic to ketchup? It doesn't make any sense. It's not like I'm allergic to sugar. It's like a fat guy is shampooed in ketchup.

I'm allergic to sugar and carbs and still fat. That'd be weird. Yeah, like, bro. But my mom made meatloaf one day, but she, like, scraped the ketchup off of mine, like, after she made it. Because she was like, I didn't cook it with ketchup. And I'm like, oh, okay, cool. So I ate it.

Next day I woke up, my lips were all blistered up. My mom looks me dead in the eyes and goes, huh, you to ketchup and i was like you poisoned me just just to see if i was just a test and she's like all right have fun at school and i had to go to school like herpes all over my face and stuff give me a kiss i'm like oh you son of a gun i still have one of some of these like psycho parent submissions from people i got like a million of them. What's the most psycho thing your parents did? Isn't it weird? You can't think of anything hardcore psycho.

Psycho. There's been some weird ones. My parents have never snagged me up and screamed at me. My parents have never done any of that stuff. One time my dad stepped on my head. On accident or on purpose? I'm pretty sure it was on purpose and i'm pretty sure it wasn't even in trouble either like i was just laying down watching tv like a kid like on the ground like sideways i was like bored and he just walked like i was laying down on the ground so he just like stepped on my head and kept going and i heard like a little and I was like, fuck.

That was probably like bad. He just mumbles under his breath, pussy. Yeah, I swear to God, probably. And now like when I would run, I don't know if this has to do with like my head, but when I'd run up until like fifth grade, I'd hear like, there'd be like a click in my head.

And I was like, I wonder if it was from that day. It felt like something was kind of like loose. That's weird. I swear to God. And and I was like I wonder if it was from that day. Was it like your ear being popped? It felt like something was kind of like loose. That's weird. I swear to God. I was like I wonder if it was because my dad stepped on my head. Just like a track in high school just going. My dad did step on my head. I should probably have that looked at.

No, never did. Okay. Did you ever bring it up to your dad that he broke you? No. He'd be like I never did that. My dad's the king of that shit. I didn't step on your head. Alright, here's one.

This is from nbarcelona1. It might not be any good. I've never read it before. He goes, I tried to catch a baseball... Just call him out. I tried to catch a baseball with my hat to look cool in a 10U game. My dad made me use my hat to look cool in a 10U game.

My dad made me use my hat to pick anything up for the rest of the weekend. Like, if I wanted something out of the pantry, I had to physically scoop it with my hat. Like, peanut butter, a can of chunky soup. That's not psycho, though. No, that's not psycho. That's actually kind of funny. Yeah. You use your fucking mitt. That's what that That's not psycho That's actually kind of funny You use your fucking mitt That's what that is right There was one time that

Me and my dad were building this big cherry bar rail And I was like 12 years old Cherry? And it was cherries like a wood I'm with you I'm the most girl man of all time but we had it leaning up against our garage right yeah and uh this thing slides down the gutters comes down lands on my big toe smashes the shit out of my big toe 12 years old what do you do

start crying right at 12 so i'm just in just in my driveway just bawling, just crying. And my dad comes out. And he goes, what are you doing? And I'm like, this barge rail just landed on my foot. And he goes, stop crying. I need to raise a pussy. And he went back in the house. And my toenail came off.

Like, I mean, it smashed the shit out of my big toe. Yeah, that's like a telltale sign that your toe got fucked up. When your toenail's just like, peace. Then you don't have one for like six months. You're like, hey. For the longest time. Do I have to go online and sign up for a new toenail? How the fuck do I get this thing back?

Okay. Lana Del Nah. I don't know. My mom threw apples at me during an argument once and I ended up catching some and juggling them. I would get my ass beat harder for that. Juggling them? Yeah, if you caught it and just rubbed it in your parents' face that you were like... Ooh, yeah, true. Oh, my God.

Knowing how to juggle, though. Not bad. Okay, Famous Jameis. Summertime, stepped on a wasp nest. A lot of people do that. How do you miss that? They hide in the ground. They're real easy to miss.

A wasp nest? Yeah. You got to just go outside more. You'll find them. I've said that like four times in my life. I'm like, oh. Stepped on a wasp nest and got stung by a bunch of them. Dad drove me to the store to get a pack

of chewing tobacco and started ripping double horseshoes and applying wet chaw on the bee stings this can't be real to this day i haven't looked up if this is a verified message method of helping with stings but it was psycho slash heroic that is like some deep south like shit, right? He doesn't even chew tobacco. Only during a grave moment like this when the bloodline was on the line. That was actually a very good story. That's funny. I would have been more grossed out by that. Did you know wasps?

I don't know if this is 100% true. This is what I was told. Wasps, if you get stung once, it's like they mark you. They tag you. So if you go near the nest again, they know to immediately attack you again. Yeah. This happened to me at work a few years ago. I was working, and there was a wasp nest up in the corner of this building, this barn that we were working on.

And I was just setting two by fours. I wasn't even bothering on. And I was just like setting two by fours. I wasn't even bothering the wasps. I was just setting two by fours. And then this wasp came down and stung me right on the face. Damn. And I was like, what? And I climbed down. Did it hurt really bad?

Like so fucking bad. I mean, I don't take that shit very well. Like I'm a man, but like I don't take bee stings and wasp stings real well. But so I got stung and I climbed down off the ladder. My hat fell off, and I went outside and just pissed off as shit. I walked back inside after I calmed down, went back over to grab my hat, which was at the bottom of my ladder, and I got stung again on the other side of my face. Damn, because you were close?

Yeah. Proximity? Yeah, and they just immediately just... I mean, I immediately got stung again. Just hit me right me right on the face i so yeah both my eyes swelled shut dude i haven't gotten stung in so long i think bees and wasps are just like he's one of us i swear to god i i think i did when i was a kid when i was like three and then that's it like i said you gotta go outside you hang around downtown a lot too there's There's no bees downtown. Probably not. No, they don't come around there.

No, they know what side of town this is. They're like, nah. And if I see like a bee, I'm like aggressive. Like, I'll try to kill it before it even sees me. Oh, yeah. I don't even mess with bees. Dude, when I see them, I'm like, I'm killing it. You know, they're like endangered right now, bees are.

I don't care. I don't give a shit either. I don't care. I swell up to them. I'm like, come on, bro. I swear to God. Yeah. I'll fuck a bee up. i'll fuck a bee up both like your family's on the line i'll kill you in front of them no yeah i will say this though i know you don't go outside ever but the best part about like they're like not being mini bees anymore is you can like leave a soda can out and like

walk away from it and bees won't just like crawl into it damn that is you remember that did you ever swallow a bee no because i always check i always like do this and you can just hear in the can you're like all right well that one's trash and go get another one yeah you drank so much coke growing up bro you did that like every 13 minutes you're like nope nope just a 24 fly out and i'm just like, okay, and this one's good again. You know how people are with bottled waters where they'll just open one, take a sip out of it and just like, oh, well, shit, and it'll open up another one? Yeah.

That annoys me too. I got a buddy who has seven of them on his nightstand right now. I don't drink bottled waters hardly ever. You refilled yours. That's what you should be doing with it. I don't like, yeah, like harley ever like you refilled yours that's what you should be doing i don't like yeah no you're not supposed to drink tap water why not because it's really bad for you why just because it's not like filter and there's weird shit in it i promise it's it's like not as good as bottled water live off of tap water i'd me too somebody told me the other day that- It tastes better to me.

I love tap water. Somebody told me on one of my TikTok comments on one of my videos that some bottled waters are actually bad for you. Like Dasani, because they put stuff in it to make them taste better. That's what somebody told me. Dasani is like a sexy- It sounds like a liquor. No wonder.

Dasani. Yeah, it does. Can I get a shot of Dasani, please? It sounds like a liquor. No wonder. Dasani. Yeah, it does. Can I get a shot of Dasani, please? It sounds like it. It really does. Can I get a shot of Ice Mountain? That one doesn't sound good. Ice Mountain on the rocks.

Can I get an Ice Mountain straight up? Let me get some Evian and Sprite. That kind of sounds like it. Evian does, yeah. Voss? That kind of sounds like it. Evian does, yeah. Voss? That fucking bottle looks like a bottle of vodka. It does.

What's that, Grey Goose? Oh, it's Voss. Okay. Fiji. Fiji? That sounds like a... Fiji and pineapple? Yeah, doesn't Fiji just sound like you'd drink it out of a pineapple?

Yes. With a straw and an umbrella? Dasani water. Dasani does sound, that straight up does sound like just like a fancy drink you do a shot of. Yeah, it's like, did P. Diddy make that? No. This bottle was 75 cents at Speedway. They give it to you for free.

Use your Speedway points. All right, let's go viral. Let's go viral? Yeah. Just stuff that's viral on the internet, but who do you think should take over the Ellen show? Kelly Clarkson. Why?

Because you have a crush on her? No. You do, though. The Since You've Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson? Huge fan. Since you've been gone. Such a great song, right? She kills.

That's such a good song. I can never identify her voice. I'm like, this is a pretty good song. And I'm like, who's singing? Oh, Kelly Clarkson? Huge fan. Since you've been gone. Such a great song, right? She kills. That's such a good song. I can never identify her voice. I'm like, this is a pretty good song. And I'm like, who's singing? Oh, Kelly Clarkson. How did I not know that? I watched her grow up. You watched her grow up?

You know, on American Idol. Oh, you watched her become a star. Yeah. Not like grow up. She deserved that. She deserved to win American Idol. Still to this day. Okay.

Viral. Hashtag stressful TV shows. Stressful TV shows. This was a hashtag on Twitter recently. Anything that ends on a huge cliffhanger and then

you have to wait a year for the next season. A year? If you're binge watching watching like netflix or something like that oh yeah and you watch this full season and then it ends on like this massive cliffhanger and then it's like well i gotta wait a year for them to drop again right yeah it sucks that's always super stressful like did you watch uh what is it called warrior none no dude it's on net it's actually really good. I've watched one thing in my life, The Notebook.

What's this? That's all my basis of knowledge. Every day for a year. You just want to do that? That's the only thing I've ever... I'm the most romantic man in the world, bro. The Notebook is a great movie. Any dude who says it's not is a fucking liar.

Did you watch The Notebook with a girl? Ever? With a girl? No You watched it by yourself? I did, yeah Dude, that's kind of sad No, no, no

This is the first time I watched The Notebook, alright? I was helping my friend Sarah move into her dorm room At IU Sounds like we're getting somewhere Yeah You're like, keep me She's like carrying boxes and stuff in, and she like turns on the notebook.

And I just sit there on the floor of her house, or of her dorm room, just watch the notebook while she did all of the work. I can't believe that was like her go-to thing to put on TV. Just like, nah, let's just throw in the notebook and get the most romantic love story of all time. And you didn't even take a hint or anything. You're just like, oh, shut up. You go ahead.

Yeah. Stop making so much noise at the boxes i'm trying to watch ryan she was definitely trying to get sexy with you yeah i didn't want anything you just wanted the movie you're like i love this plot yeah have you seen rachel mcadams in that oh oh dude i can't watch like impractical jokers I like those kind of shows. It makes me uncomfortable, man. I don't know why Impractical Jokers just hits me right in the funny bone. Yeah. And like Boiling Points. Remember that show on MTV?

Nah. Boiling, they'd like, like say you're going to Subway and I was like this Subway artist or whatever. Like you're like, I want turkey, but I keep putting like salami on there. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. You'd fucking love it. But that's, it made me so.

Spoiler points the one where the guy had like the giant phone and he would just like walk around the park. It's like, hello. Yeah. Maybe just to make people mad. Like if somebody like got really mad, then they'd be like, Hey, you're on boiling points. Oh my God. Jackass used to stress me out.

Oh, see, I can watch i can watch like some of that stuff that they did i was like oh no like i hate scarred that was a show that used to just tear me up it was an mtv show too anytime i can't watch people break bones or get like super hurt like if i see like a skateboarder like break his leg and they're just like, watch this, it's funny. And I'm like, that's not funny at all to me. I don't want to see that shit. He's standing up and his arm's flopping and shit. I can't believe that can be on TV.

I can't believe that's funny and enjoyable for anybody to watch. No. Okay, hashtag. I'm trying to pick. There's like seven. They all kind of suck. of suck hashtag my biggest fear is maggots just straight up with an m with an m maggots with an m why dude I don't know there's just I learned one day like when I was a kid that a maggot can eat

like a full human body in like a few days not Not a maggot, but a bunch of maggots can eat a full human body. So I always think that if it gets on me, one of them is just going to start eating just right away. And I'm like, in seven days? It's not crazy. Yeah, a maggot can eat a full human body. Maggots can eat a full human body in a few days. So it's not crazy to think if one maggot gets on my hand, I'm going to lose a finger in a minute. You know what I mean?

Maggots. Maggots. And then the idea of, this is going to get super real, of not being remembered. That's something like... It's two completely different fears. You're like maggots and legend status. That's it. That's it.

But, like, besides those two. No, what if you, like, imagine that. Like, what if you died, like, right now? Like, you ever think about, like, who would show up to my funeral and, like, actually care? That's tough. Like, freaking nobody. You know what I mean? True, true.

That's weird. God, I I mean? True, true. That's weird. God, I would hate to have a funeral. Like, I feel like my mom would be crying. Like, I could see you and Derek there just going, you want to get out of here? What are we doing after this? What are we doing after this? No, I mean, damn.

If I had a funeral, my family would be like, are they streaming it? Are they streaming it? Are they going to Facebook Live it? That'd be dope. I have like 700 viewers at my funeral. The viewing. To do something crazy.

Let's do days of the week. Nice. Wednesday. Is today Tuesday? Yeah, Wednesday. National Underwear Day. What kind of underwear do you rock? Boxer briefs?

Dude, I've been wearing straight up zero underwear. Right now? I hate. You have your leg all propped up right in front of you? I've got no underwear on right now. I'm straight commando. What's the weirdest commando moment you've ever had? I've never, ever forgotten underwear.

Really? I'd wear dirty, dirty ass underwear before I'd go commando. Like've ever had i've never ever forgotten underwear really i'd wear dirty dirty ass underwear before i'd go commando like you're really yeah i don't like commando at all i always feel like everyone knows that's the thing i swear to god you have like a commando sense yeah i'm just like just the way that guy's walking and talking yeah i think you forgot and then i don't i like my hip i like my pants down a little bit like I don't like them down off my hips a little bit. You know what I mean? There'd be like an ass crack.

Always. There'd be constant ass crack, right? You can't do that. I feel you on that. It's not a good look. National Oyster Day. You ever had oysters? Yeah, they're all right.

That was super fun. Ah, probably. That was super fun uh probably that was a super fun yeah they were good next one i don't i don't know who found out you could eat that i guess damn who found out you could eat any seafood yeah that's true like who saw a lobster and been like hungry dude like you had to be a lobster? That's the grossest crab? You ever caught a crawdad behind your house? No, every time people were catching crawdads, I was like, no, I'm not touching that shit. They're pretty much lobsters, right?

But you pull them apart, and they're just the grossest thing. Who in the world ever was like, I bet that tastes good with like some butter. Butter sauce and you got to boil it alive. Who thought of that? Like horses and glue. Who connected that shit together? Like I don't see glue. When I see a horse, I'm not like Elmer's.

Right? But that's how they used to make glue, right? When you see a pig though, you're kind of like, food. I get it. Pigs look good. Cows look good. Pigs look good. That's like an insult.

You look like a pig. That's like the new insult. You look like a fucking pig today, baby. What's up, girl? You look like a pig. Damn, you look like Miss Piggy. God, I just want to eat you up. I just want to oink you up.

Let me see those hooves. I just want to eat you up on a pig. Damn, you look like Miss Piggy. God, I just want to eat you up. Let me see those hooves. I just want to eat you up on a plate. I just want to make you sizzle. You want to smell that bacon, girl. Pigs look good. Who's ever said that? Don't pigs look like they are just juicy and delicious? Pigs look like food.

Like walking food. Turkeys look like food. All that kind of stuff looks like food. The big breasts and everything. You're look like food. All that kind of stuff looks like food. Because they're like... The big breasts and everything. You're just like, hell yeah. Oh, God. Using brown gravy with some turkey. But think about other stuff, though, right?

I don't know, man, but the seafood really does freak me out. Seafood's weird. That'd be like eating a spider. It's like eating a lobster. It's pretty much it, yeah. Like eating a tarantula. You'd be like, mmm. Thursday, National Rootbeard Float Day.

I love me a rootbeard float. I hate people that don't like them. Like, how can you not? Like, how do you give up that easy? Go join Al-Qaeda, you terrorist. That's psycho if you don't like a rootbeard float. Yeah. Like, you like ice cream, right?

Yeah. You like root... How do you not like rootbeard? Yeah, Like, you like ice cream, right? Yeah. You like root, how do you not like root beer? Yeah, it's, root beer floats are amazing. They started doing them at Wendy's. And you can get them with the chocolate frosty. What? And it's so, oh my God, dude.

I've never even thought about that. I don't know if I would like that. It's, no, it's great. It's too foreign. It's, try it. Leave here and try it. Sometimes I just don't want to get rid of it. I like the original so much, and I don't have it that often.

If I had a root beer float every day, I'd be like, all right, I'll try the chocolate one. But since I only have once a year a root beer float, you're like, right, fuck, I do have one every day. Yeah, I mean, I had one on the way here. Just kidding. It's sitting next to you. Between every segment, you. Yeah. Between every segment, you're like... Mixing it up, trying to get the ice cream to soften up a little bit. I kind of don't like when root beer floats are sitting there for too long,

and they crystallize, though. Yeah, why do they foam up like that? You know what I'm saying? I don't like that. Yeah, you got to kind of get at them quick. Thursday, National Fresh Breath Day. Nice. You ever made out with a girl that had, like, stinky breath?

Dude, I can't, like, I have something wrong with my nose, and I can't smell my own breath. I think, I don't know, I think I messed up my nose when I was a kid. Like, you know when your nose is stuffed, and you have to, like, take that, like, breathe that stuff. I don't know. I think I messed up my nose when I was a kid. You know when your nose is stuffed and you have to take that breathe that stuff. I don't ever do that. I think I got addicted to it when I was a kid. Now I can't smell anything anymore. Really? I swear. I can only smell stuff

randomly. You should look into that. Maybe there's a lawsuit or something like that and you're entitled to a bunch of money or something. Maybe. Yeah, if that infomercial thing pops up I'll definitely call. Have you ever been injured by a nasal spray? Have you snorted nasal spray too much?

Have you been injured by Zyrtec? You're like Dewey Cox, like you can't smell. I don't know. I can only smell like wild card shit. Like if there was like meatloaf on this floor, I'd be like, what is that? But that's like it for the whole day. That's the only thing I'll smell.

Okay, national wiggle your toes day. I do like a wiggle. A good wiggle. A good toe wiggle is fun, right? All I do. Yeah, like right now. Doing it right now. Yeah.

Dude, if I'm sitting there, my toes are moving. I don't think my toes ever stop moving. You just do this with your big toe and your, like, your pointer toe? This is kind of gross. This whole podcast is a little gross, but rubbing your feet together? Do you do that? I don't rub my feet together like that. Dude, I'm like a, my feet are like a mosquito.

Or like. Like a fly? Yeah, flies. Fly's hands are my feet. I have fly's hands on my legs. No, yeah. I'll rub my toes together. Like, I'll do that and stuff all the time.

Dude, I've got a weird foot thing. Really? Are you into feet fetish? No, but just, like, I've always... That's a fun one. What's your fetish? Do you have a fetish? I'm cool with feet.

Like, but I'm not, like, over... You know, people, like, get crazy with feet. You're not, like, boinking feet or anything? I'm not, like, asking girls for pictures of their feet. You know? Like, that's a big thing that guys do and i think it's only because guys feet are so disgusting they're just like give me some faith oh they don't have hair on them nice oh that's my that's my fetish honey i don't think i have anything that's specific hit hitting scratched and stuff i love that are you Are you serious? I love pain. I just love being hit by cars.

God, I love being hit by cars. It's my kink. It's my kink. It's what I'm into. I need ladies with a truck out there that don't want to run me over after the show. You're like, oh! I guess I might have something with my feet,

like a weird foot fetish. I always thought about this. If I dodge neon, like something with my feet, like a weird foot fetish. Like, I always thought about this. Like, if a Dodge Neon, like a really light car, like, just ran over my foot on the road, I think I'd kind of like it. What? What? I was, like, expecting you to not think that was weird And you were like

Yeah and Me and my friends always used to do this When our feet were like up on 643 Oh I gotta go Okay So let's finish these up I gotta leave in the next like 10 minutes

I gotta play softball tonight National Frozen custard day in the next like 10 minutes. I got to play softball tonight. Loser, man. Slow pitch softball. National frozen custard day. I do like ice cream. What's custard? I don't know. What is that?

What the hell is frozen? Ritter's frozen custard. I don't know the difference between custard and ice cream. I barely know the difference between like fro-yo and ice cream. Sherbert. Remember those like big tubs of sherbert.

I swear we always used to get that. Yeah, and it'd be gone. Did you like it? Yeah, I loved it. The orange sherberts and shit like that. Yeah, and it was like always three colors. It's like orange, pink, and green. Yeah, just fucked that shit up.

What happened to sherbert? Does anybody know? Is sherbert okay? Do they still sell it? I'm going to go to Kroger tonight and just see if they have like... Has anybody checked on Sherbert? Those plastic bowls or buckets that used to come in? Oh, yeah. We had those things all over that house.

I used to keep like my soldiers in it. Soldiers? Little green soldiers. Cowboys and Indians. Yeah, I used to keep all that stuff. This is like your only storage growing up. Here's my closet. This is my closet and just like 40 Tupperwares of Sherbert.

Oh, shit. That's some shit my dad would do, dude. I swear, every time I get takeout, he's like, that looks good. I'm like, are you talking about the food or the takeout container? This dude collects takeout. All right. But yeah, Sherbert. I want that.

All right, last one. National Garage Sale Day. I never really got into garage sale hopping. You were raised by a bunch of women, so you probably like garage sales a little bit, huh? Dude, I can price anything at a garage sale. That's the only thing you can smell. Meats, garage sales. Just like that Goodwill scent.

There's a community sale. Down here on the right. Yeah, there's a community sale down there on the right. Yeah, this neighborhood's popping. You and your mom ever do that stuff where you just like park at the front of a neighborhood, just walk the whole neighborhood? Yeah, I have. My mom like gets like, when she sees a garage sale, it's a big mom like trigger.

It is. You know like Spider-Man, when he like senses danger, he has spidey sense. Moms have like garage sale sense. We'll be like riding on some weird suburban road and she'll be like, just turn into a neighborhood. She's like, there's a wicker chair over there! You know how many accidents I've almost been in because of women pulling off on the busy road and they're half on the road and half in the grass just to get out and check out the... You know what I mean? It'll be like 37. We'll be on 37, people parked on the side of the road.

Just to see a dresser. Garage sales are... I'm always like, damn, that would be nice to have. And then I get home and I'm like, this is trash. You know when you buy stuff at Goodwill and you're like, why did I even... It's just like that high, garage sale high. Yeah. I'm just like bartering with somebody.

It's like our old medieval days. I bet that's half the reason people like garage sales, just to talk somebody down from like $3.99. Yeah. I'll give you one. 25 cents? Fuck yourself. I'll give you a nickel.

That's a big guy thing. Yeah, just haggling. Yeah. All right, that's it. Shot 118. Well, hold on. We got our weekend coming up. You want to talk about it? No, you talk about it. I don, that's it. Shot 118. Well, hold on. We got our weekend coming up. You want to talk about it?

No, you talk about it. I don't know the details. So, Guttys Comedy Club, September 25th and 26th. Me and Ben Nudupolitsy, we will be at Guttys Comedy Club in Greenwood doing a weekend there. Yeah, so come out. Come out, buy tickets. Tickets will be available here in the next couple weeks so and uh august 20th through the 22nd i'm at helium so come to that

too are you really yeah who with i'm a special guest with trevor wallace that's gonna be bad why i'm just kidding it's like aren't you the one who got me into trevor wallace you showed me the white claw thing right that he did he did, right? I think. He's like, you're like him. Yeah, we're the same person. You guys are like the same thing. Yeah, it's just me on stage for an hour. That's pretty much what this show is. Does Ben get skinnier?

Like, no, that's the Trevor Wallace guy. Is Trevor Wallace bald? No, that's Ben. That's Ben. How long before your hair starts growing back, do you know? I think it is right now. But it's like at a different level than the sides because they only like hit the top. Oh.

So it looks weird. I look like your Uncle Steve or something. But yeah, so August 20th through the 22nd at Helium, I'll be there. And then September 25th and 26th, me and Ray will be in Greenwood. So come out and follow us on social media for sure. Say all your shit. At Ray Hensley Comedy on everything. I'm pretty good on TikTok.

I don't use Instagram at all, but it's there. At Ray Hensley Comedy on everything. RayHensleyComedy.com for show details and all that other jazz. And yeah. Yeah. Then at Benedict Polizzi on everything too twitter instagram cameo cameo and tiktok love you guys it was fun I had a good time

yeah it was good it was good you said 10 minutes we talked for 7 and a half hours alright fam talk to you next week oh shit I fucked that up okay talk to you next week oh shit I fucked that up okay talk to you next week alright fam should leave that in there