Espresso - be a HATER

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

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Is how we expect people at sports games to give the little kids the home run ball or the ball that gets thrown into the stands. Why the fuck do the little kids need it? Oh yeah, here's a guy that's been coming to the games for two decades. It's got a whole room in his house dedicated to sports memorabilia for this team. Granted, he's a fucking dork a little bit. Yeah, whatever. But why am I going to give it to the little kid who's going to drop it in a puddle on the way back to his car? Oopsie! And just fucking leave it. They can't even name a player. That shit always pisses me off when a puddle on the way back to his car. Oopsie. And just fucking leave it. They don't get, they can't even name a player.

That shit always pisses me off when I see it on the TV. So yeah, fuck them kids. We are, we are, we are the youth of the motherfucking nation. Oh, this thing's on espresso podcast shot three 41.

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$5 a month. Who's not buying this? But let's get to it. Espresso, quote, quote, question of the week. One of my faves.

God, whenever we can talk about things we hate on this podcast, be a hater real quick. Be a hater. Be a hater. What do I hate? People that have a panic attack when they see a bee shut up shut up i just only got it no dude how many times has a bee ever stung you i i honestly i was

thinking about it once once maybe or i don't even know if it was a bee it could have been like a little prick thing in the in the yard you know like a bush thorn i was like i because i was like i stepped on a bee then i was like wait it probably wasn't even a bee never been stung every time somebody sees a bee they act like they see a thousand bees i'm like that's not you just gotta get in psycho mode you ever been in psycho mode around a bunch of bees and you're just like you know i'm killing all these things i think they're at one point in time i've talked about in this podcast before i killed 344 bees in like 10 minutes because i was just like i've had it don't be a little bit kill that all right let's get to your guys uh be a hater real quick please for the love of god be a hater i hate it when i'm at a stoplight and another caller

pulls up right next to me to where they can see me through my window because stoplights are my time to like do a bunch of private things. I floss my teeth. I pick my nose. I pluck my eyebrows. Everything. I scroll a bit. Take a quick nap. Yep.

I don't want people looking in my car and seeing me do that. I try to get to the stoplight at a position where the other cars cannot see me and if someone pulls up and ruins it i'm like you ruined it you ruined it i know and then you gotta scoot up a little bit so they can't see right into your window like how dumb are people that they have no like awareness it's so weird to pull up right next to somebody oh hey what's up man like hey can we stagger a bit somebody pulls up right next to me then i gotta creep up a little bit now i'm in the middle of the crosswalk people are yelling at me i'm like no one's crossing anyway i kind of hate when people take their sweet ass time on the crosswalk i I'm like, I know you got the right of way

and you know, it's your time to shine, but like, can we get a little, can we, can I get some hustle? Can I get a little bit of hustle on the crosswalk? Just taking your sweet ass, come on. Man, everything's a competition in a race. I can't do. There are people that look down at their phone on the crosswalk and I'll be turning like.

And they'll be looking at me the same way. What? I'm like, get it going. Let me I can run you over right now. Yeah, I know. Every time I'm in my car, I'm doing everything but driving. It's really sad. It is. It's I, and I know I'm not the only one. I don't think I've ever actually driven since, since I was like 17, when I was 17, I was locked. I was locked in. I had my head on a

swivel 10 and two paying, paying attention to everything, every direction, mirrors, checking them. Guy on my left checking, a blind spot checking. Now I'm like, did I, how did I even get here? Every time I drive, was that a red light? I don't know if that was a red light or not. There's these things in LA where like, there's a crosswalk on the road. Cool. See him a million times. No one's ever crossing, but there's these things in la where like there's a crosswalk on the road cool see him a million times no one's ever crossing but there's these things in um no one's ever crossing on a crosswalk uh unless it's the worst time for them to be crossing on a cross always pulling like a wagon i'm like what are you doing go home

there's these things in la they're like crosswalks but they're like uh the and they flash yellow and i just i blew through one one time and the guy crossing was like and i was like bro i don't wait like what do you do but you gotta you you have to it's like a low-key red light the, for the walkers. I'm like, what? Like, let me do that. That might be the way I kill somebody. It kind of every, every time I'm in a car driving somewhere, I'm like, I might've hit like three people. I don't know. Or like got real close, real close. Dude, homeless people time that shit up so hard. So I'm like, does this guy want to die like does this guy want to die does this guy want to die like is that his plan right now is to like die and i'm gonna be the guy that takes

him out but they they like wait and they they i swear my the back left of my car hits their hip every time they're trying to cross and i'm like i don't know bro please. I am a hater when it comes to people. Hey, okay. Okay. Let me know. Let me know if this makes sense. You are in the lane getting ready to turn right. You're getting in the turn lane. You're getting ready to, you're like, I'm not going to do it yet because like, it's way too far back. You know, I don't want to prematurely get in the turn lane because like, it's just not time yet. I don't want to't like i'm okay with being a nerd and getting in the turn lane early but it's just like there's too much turn lane so i'm gonna get in it in like three seconds still gonna be respectful not not too much going on i look behind me in my rearview mirror because it's been three seconds

i'm gonna get in the turn lane there's a car that's already trying to get in that's like trying to undercut me behind i'm like dude get your little hurt okay okay you're all late you're in a hurry well like what makes you think i'm not getting in the turn lane i hate people that do that oh you thought there was no chance i was gonna get in the turn lane okay and then they get so mad when you put your blinker on i'm like it's what you get dude I hate people that do that. Oh, you thought there was no chance I was going to get in the turn line. Okay. And then they get so mad when you put your blinker on. I'm like, that's what you get, dude. Not that I get mad at that or anything.

So be a hater. Be a hater. I cannot stand the copy and paste females. We know what I'm talking about. We're talking about the girls that all look exactly the same. Oh, my God. They have the same fillers. Oh, man. The same Botox. The same stupid. we're talking about the girls that all look exactly the same oh my god same fillers oh man same botox the same oh man like basic bitch photo like all y'all look the same like please

please do something else with your face this is the one like yo if you think you're ugly and if you feel like you need to get work done i love that i love that for you so much but don't look like every other broad like crazy doing out here like like like i love my friend i have a friend she's a copy and paste i think i see that girl on my like on my discover ig like 20 times a day it's not her you know who it is another one that looks just like her copy and paste stop it keep your true authentic self get rid of the fillers get rid of fake lashes get rid of the botox get rid of the skinny michael jackson notes like just just stop stop stop stop stop stop i hate it stop nobody's ever been so right there's a there's four

girls there's four girls there's four girls there's four of the same girls and everybody else i don't know it looks so bad dude the lips look so okay all right lip filler check got it you look like every other girl it's so obvious why would you want to there's just so many of the same girls i'm like why i don't need i'm you're invisible to me those girls that look like that i'm like i there's 50 million of you and you guys never talk just like look pissed kind of all the time why would you want to talk to anybody that looks like that like aka every girl I've ever dated. Hallelujah.

Hallelujah. But yeah, so many copy and paste girls. Girls are good at that too. Girls will straight jack somebody's personality too. You ever seen that? I've been picking up on it. I'm like, that's the same girl from TikTok. You're doing the TikTok girl.

Because comedians will do that too. They'll just do somebody else. And I'm like, bro, no. You've got to be yourself. And girls will straight, straight take a personality. They're not kidding around. I have multiple personalities. I'm like, there's four girls let's keep going i took this earlier you're fucking hot be a hater thanks man thanks um damn that means a lot hey but like honestly i really appreciate that

because i i put a lot of people are just like man it takes a lot of work to to look a certain way i'm not saying i'm hot but like i work hard to like try to look good you know how you know the the lengths i've gone to just have hair man is it desperate is it like is it too i don't know um yeah you really it's thank you so much dude uh and you sound hilarious. Why? Because, dude, funny people are always honest and you're very honest and your name on here, it's anonymous. He put McDouble Poppy.

So automatically, I love you. Oh, man, my McDouble. Me still buying things that are $10 and being like, that's 10 McDoubles. Gosh. How many times? Just relating everything to childhood. I saw a TikTok the other day that was 90s,

people born in the 90s talk about their childhood more than anything because they're the only ones that had so much fun in their childhood. And man, I wish I could give this guy credit because it's a really good observation but i never hear anybody talking about their childhood as much as me my friends and everybody on this podcast and me mostly how come every memory i have is from my childhood because i haven't done shit for the past 12 years.

But I really do. Something was $60 the other day and I was like, that's just Madden. It's Madden 08. That's what that is. How much Madden? Cool. Thank you. Thanks bro for saying that.

Really appreciate it. I think I'm going, by the way, we're talking about copy paste we're talking about hot i think i'm going baby face gang baby face gang rise up god me with a beard what was i doing me with a beard automatically look like i sell pills why what it guys would i just look like i'm up to something when i have a beard i think i'm gonna go clean shave i don't know when i'm gonna do it but uh you'll see i hate it when we can't even go to any restaurant doesn't matter where and we have to do everything with the photo picture like why can't we just sit and we have to do everything with the photo, picture. Like, why can't we just sit and eat and not be on our phones 24-7 scrolling?

Yeah, I feel that. I got one time my grandma yelled at me because I was at the table with my phone, and I was like, oof, she's right, you know? Why can't we just be, why can't we just be, like, present? I know, everything, because it's just not the, I be like present i know everything because it's just not the i know i feel you but it's just not the world we live in anymore you kind of have to face it you know like people are like don't text and drive i'm like you know that's just kind of what we're all like we can all text and drive it's a tough one to say but don't text and drive it's

literally stupid and every time i like catch myself doing something on my phone in the car i'm like i gotta stop but like we we are evolving to just be able to text and drive it's sad text and eat i'll remove myself honestly i try to go as if something's funny like i gotta get out of my phone if something's like memorable you gotta get on your phone then put your phone down like there's a there's a pretty good balance you can do but if like something's happening and i need to like post something or get on the phone i will leave the table because it's just the world now because it's just the world now.

Super uncomfortable when somebody's on their phone the whole time, like, around you. I'm like, go, go, go away, and do whatever you're doing. Go. The picture, trusting somebody else to take a picture of your group is a bold move. This whole entire wrestling team in Hollywoodllywood i was just walking by whole team i'm talking like 30 guys hey bro you take this picture for us i'm like man this is such a guy thing you know only dudes are like will you take this picture for us because girls girls know it's going to turn out like trash.

It's a tough moment when you're a guy and you got a girlfriend, you got to take a picture of her. It's like, this is really what it all comes down to, because I have no idea. When I'm taking a picture, I have zero photography skills. None. You'd think I might know a couple things from like internet stuff but i don't know anything i don't know what picture of me looks good i don't know where like what my face

my side is i have no idea and when i had a girlfriend that was like take a picture of me. I was like, here we go. After everyone, what do you think? What do you think? Do you want up, down? Do you want? That's why every time I take a picture, I got to send it to 2, people and i'm like is this good i have no idea what's good and what's bad no no chance no nothing no idea

and everybody's like yeah that's good they just lie and i believe them and i post it man if i could do one thing i I don't think I've done one thing in my life just on my own. Kind of a... Is that just me? Anytime I post something, I'm like, bro, can you look at this? Because am I insane?

What do you think? I think you've got to be really... I think I'm pretty myself, but myself but like dude to just post something without having anybody like give it a give it a feel out like check the temperature on it is a little insane right just post post post post post post post post that's how i used to be on snapchat back in the day bro i just used to post everything and cringe moment of the week one of my friends one time was like yo uh you need to slow down and i was like i'm not posting ever again on this app thank you and then i started posting again and he was like hey man you're doing better on snapchat you're doing better on snapchat i think that's when uh in my brain i was like i'm insane and i need to have somebody look at

look at this before i post it or something or something every picture i oh my who knows who knows everybody's got like their little group that they're like what is this good right i can't be the only actual woman that does that right i hate when people wear socks at the beach i ask myself are your feet not warm enough? Are you trying to keep the sand out? Because the sand's going to get in, but it's going to have a problem getting out. I love the passion. So when you walk,

your feet are going to sound like, like I can hear somebody walking with socks on from a mile away on the beach. True story. Just for the love of God, please. Unless you have really, really ugly toenails or toes or like some really sick athlete's foot that nobody wants to look at, please don't wear your socks at the beach. Sincerely, a Floridian.

Florida man. Florida man. Florida man says so. Great voice message. The audio quality, impeccable. The sound effects on the fourth squish, I was like, this is from YouTube. It's so good. She looked up squish socks on beach sound effect and she played it

that's how good that was man i was socks on beach guy but i i have ugly toes not that i've ever cared and i don't think it's a big deal at all i i could you know that'd be kind of gross i just thought about i was gonna say i could date a girl with the same feet as mine and i just really thought about it and i'm maybe i can't maybe i can't but like who see i think it's okay for a guy to have messed up feet because who sees it wearing shoes a million percent you know how soft my feet are you know how soft my feet are you know how soft my feet are dear diary

i'm just saying i slide those socks off for the first time ever it might look a little crazy down there but you put your feet on my feet you're thinking is that a is that a silk blanket what's going to that my i'm telling you the tops of my feet the tops of my foot, bro. I'm dead serious. Top of my foot. Cat's back. You know how... Wow. You pet a cat for the first time? It lets you?

That little rumble it does. Cat's back. Wait a minute. You took your socks off, right? Yeah, I i took my socks off your feet are on my feet right now no no no no no no my feet are touching my cat right now my feet are touching paws paws my feet are touching socks right now you thought your feet run yep you slept next to me you put your feet on my feet you're dancing on cats all night dancing on cats oh my god you slept with him what was it like this felt like i was stepping on a bunch of cats huh no

it was good It was real good. Captain Silkfoot? That's what they called me in fourth grade. Captain Silkfoot. Man, that guy's got silky feet. Sergeant Silkfoot? Sergeant Silkfoot! Reporting for duty every time I take my socks off.

Man, they don't look good. But if you didn't see them and you only felt them, you'd be like, all right. I get it. I used to be sock guy at the beach, though, for sure. Big time. I don't know. I just liked, I was really obsessed with socks

at that point in my life, college. Elite socks were big, you know? I know, I know. And I am that guy though. I am that guy. You wear elite socks? Like I'm every girl's worst nightmare. And I just don't care anymore.

I am like the biggest ick. I hate the word ick now cause it's kind of played, but I, I really am though. I do it. I do it all. When guys like touch the top of a doorframe, it's just,

that's what, that's me. My personality, my whole entire body, everything about me is touching the top of a doorframe on the way out somewhere. This is what it is, baby. But I was the elite socks guy

with sandals on the beach and man, I thought it was... No one really cared. It was kind of... No one said anything. I would take them off and Captain Silkfoot would come out, but

for the most part, I was socks and sandals on the beach. come out but for the most part i was socks and sandals on the beach i kind of just look good with the fit too you know and like part of it is like okay you take your sandals off at the beach like where do you put them they're gonna get stolen you gotta hide your sandals in a bush i'm like i'm just gonna keep these on be a hater so my hater thing would be those people that say in the morning i can't function without my coffee so you're literally telling me that you literally won't work go to your job and work and do the things that you have to do to make money if you don't have your coffee get out of here with that you can function without it you just

say it because that's what everybody else says they got the signs up but first coffee no no but first you have to go to work and get money to buy the coffee i hate hate it too. I know I'm a hater. I get it. It's a funny little saying but it's old and it's done. So yeah, that's what I'm a hater on. You can function without your coffee. I hate all the sayings that I'm like, you think that's new? Those are the people I hate the

most, man. You think you don't think I've heard that but first coffee okay are you whoever says but first coffee loves facebook god you can just tell when people are going to be facebook people you know there's just a certain thing that they do, certain vibe they give off.

I'm like, you're so Facebook in two years. People like you, the people that commit their lot. It's so weird when you go on Facebook and you're like, what is happening over here? There's people still here. It's like in a, I thought it was like going to, I just can't. Taco Tuesday, live, laugh, it was like gonna, I can't, I just can't. Taco Tuesday,

live, laugh, love, but first coffee. I'm like, you guys are all the same person. Live in the dream. Oh my goodness.

Still with that. People that, people that say phrases that are four years too old. Can't do it. Hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you. But it's not I hate you. I hate you. But it's not that they need somebody to tell them that they hate them for them to actually understand. But first. Coffee. Yeah. You got to give them a little bit. I mean, the first person who said that pretty good pretty good pretty good but first goffy

it does it is the only thing do i live a sad life no but man the only bright spot in my day that i can count on is when i'm like i'm gonna get coffee why man it's so adult isn't it is when I'm like, I'm going to get coffee. Why? Man, it's so adult, isn't it? The days I don't have coffee, I'm like, I can't believe I did that. It is absolutely insane that I have to have it every day. But it's like, why not?

Why not? It's not doing much. It's not doing much to me. It's not bad, right? I do. I do. I hate the people. I do hate the people that are so tired in the morning. The people that are like, every time they wake up, they act like it's the first time they woke up. wake up they act like it's the first time they woke up i'm like bro oh my god have you never woken up before the people that are so tired every morning i'm like guess what it's gonna happen tomorrow too did you not expect this amazing to me amazing i once i wake up i'm like cool let's i hate it but let's do it let's do this but i'm never like uh just like drowsy like that oh you're really tired do you not think you're gonna be tired i mean it happens

every single time one thing you can count on oh i don't know yeah i really hate when people go to in and out and they order lettuce wrapped burgers like like dude the the bun it's like 120 calories, and I promise it's worth it. I know. I am the guy. I am big time the guy. It just makes me feel so much better not eating the bun. It's just a – it probably is some, like, deep down insecure body dysmorphia thing,

but at least I know. body dysmorphia thing but at least i know but i have two double doubles and i'm like with the bread and i think my body just doesn't agree with bread real well and i don't think i have uh uh like like a condition or anything but i just every time i eat bread i'm like i want to go to bed i want to go to sleep i want to go to sleep you know the feeling you get before you file your taxes we're like i just kind of like a bed actually me every time every and i don't know if it's a mental thing but i can crush 17 protein style double meats from in and out and it is honestly i'm gonna do it tonight for you so much lettuce lettuce order double meats protein protein style, babe.

Just, hey, you try it. You try it. No bread gang forever. I just, it makes me feel good. Hey, Benny. Love the pod. God, I love you. Love your standup.

I actually got to see you in San Diego just recently, and that was really awesome. So as far as something that i hate though um i think i really hate mushrooms they're so bad um i'm not usually a picky eater but i like that's one like the one thing where it's just the texture they're not appealing looking like it's like fungus it's just gross it's the texture it's the taste it's everything i think they're just like these nasty rubbery disgusting things and people are like oh yeah put them on steak like put them on

this oh and it just makes everything worse just makes everything taste like that and i hate it i hate it so anyways um love you bye oh my god did i fall in love 15 times every podcast but man wow almost cried thank you for coming on the show. Yo, baby girl, I got to disagree on mushrooms. I'm so sorry. Dude, it's just something about when I was a kid, I was like, what? But now. Mushrooms on pizza.

Just saying it's the only topping I like, but I'm like super plain and weird. But you're right about the fungus thing it is literally uh you buy mushrooms at the store it's like i saw this in the woods behind my grandma's house this exact same thing and now we're putting it on steak it is it is such like the shoe hornet in there yeah mushrooms so weird but i love i do dry mushrooms i'll eat those there's kind of not a food i don't like which is a downfall i'll eat a whole container of dry mushrooms i'll eat i'll just i'll eat tomatoes like apples i don't think but because i feel like they're free nutrients.

I'm like, yeah, I can eat a whole barrel of these. They kind of just taste like nothing. You chop a mushroom up and give me a whole... It just kind of tastes like nothing. It kind of tastes like I was eating like styrofoam. But why are they good on pizza?

Mushrooms on pizza. Hey, Papa John's. I got the weirdest order. I have the weirdest pizza order. Light cheese, extra sauce. Mushrooms on half. Bake it hard, babe. If there's an option half bake it hard babe if there's an option bake it hard god that's a great pizza no bread we're no bread gang though we're no bread gang when they caramelize onions it's a bit too much just give me some normal ass onions i said onions mushrooms when they caramelize mushrooms, it's too much.

Give me a normal mushroom. Slap my ass. Throw me down the stairs. Mushrooms in soup? Why? You're hot. thank you bro but it wasn't if it wasn't for white strips um me stretching out my small eye for 45 minutes every day um spray tans hair transplants i would just like look like every other guy in the world and if I had a beard he's every guy he's every guy he's every guy he's every guy

he's every guy in the world so it's really all thanks to you man it's really all thanks to the people in the comments that were like, bro, you, that's the thing about having a little bit of a following is that people will actually tell you, man, they're, they, they don't back. I love some honesty.

I remember during the pandemic, pandemic, I was just the pandemic. It sounds so dramatic to say that now, doesn't it the pandemic best time of my life if the if lockdown wasn't the best time of your life we can't we're not gonna we can't talk we can't talk we have nothing in common god what i'd do to have another lockdown but i was posting mad content.

So I was like, what else am I supposed to do? And people would comment because they were like figuring me out my account. Oh, okay. And they would just be so ruthless. And man, it hurt. But you just got to hear it. Posted content for two weeks during lockdown. Week number three, got a whole hair transplant. Okay. posted content for two weeks during lockdown week.

Number three, got a whole hair transplant. Okay. Took a picture during, um, lockdown of me and my dad's backyard. Just cause, um, first comment.

There's my old baseball mitt. I was like, okay, well, you just start moisturizing. Check. my old baseball mitt. I was like, okay, well, need to start moisturizing. Check. So it's really all you, bro. I got nothing to do

with the way I look. It's all you. It's all you. I have what I would probably define as an unreasonable hatred for bread and butter pickles. I think I have such a deep, powerful love of dill pickles. The bread and butter pickles, sweet pickles represent an affront, a grotesque perversion of something so great, so wonderful. And anyone who likes bread and butter pickles, or God forbid, prefers bread and butter pickles, your bloodline is weak and history will forget you.

Bloodline is weak and history will forget you. You didn't have to make it that big of a deal. Oh, God. Come on. This guy. Do you want some here? I don't know. I'm not really into pickles like everyone else. And if I was going to hate hate something i would lean towards pickles maybe

but i love all foods but like mushrooms pickles pickles are like slimy and weird kind of if you really wanna if you really want to go there i could find uh i could i could fill a jar up with uh pond water and throw some pickles in there and it'd be i'd be like okay same as the ones i buy at the store they're all kind of just like did you was this in coral three minutes ago everybody's all about oh my god i don't like the texture what the hell and they smash a big pickle from the gas station. I'm like, what about that texture? The same girls that are crying about texture.

Eat a spicy pickle from the Sunoco. I'm like, what happened to your whole texture thing? It's got to be the worst texture, right? I'll still eat it. Yeah, bread and butter chips there's one kind of pickle that i really love and i just i haven't it's hard to find because i'm not i don't i'm not real familiar with pickles like i kind of don't give it don't care about the pickles the pickle I like is the pickle that comes with your sandwich that you get at like the at like the deli that pickle's good that's one of the best pickles those little guys too those little nubs man I'll pop those nubs all

day I will... I like sweet and sour, I think. Man, pickles on a sandwich really, really changes the game. They're doing that pickle bread at Jimmy John's? Great idea. Great idea. The PR for pickles. Lord. Pickles. Everybody loves pit and there's nobody that hates pickles. I'm like, what did you, what did, what happened? Pickles. You, there's no, I don't, I don't know one person that's like, I don't like pickles. there's no i don't i don't know one person that's like i don't like pickles no pickles please i didn't like pickles for like um a week maybe

because i got subway and i asked my dad and i asked my dad my dad was like what kind of sub do you want i was like turkey lettuce tomato pickle a little bit of mustard let's say it every time for maybe 10 years turkey lettuce tomato pickle a little bit of mustard wheat just i don't know if my dad was on his phone or something while they were making the sub but i think they put 200 pickles on it and i was just eating the sub that was like it wasn't fresh it was like in his car for like four hours but i'll eat anything so i was like, it wasn't fresh. It was like in his car for like four hours, but I'll eat anything. So I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the amount of pickles on this thing, I was like, they just keep, it's like they're growing.

It's like they, I take a pickle out and two more come in the back. And then I took all the pickles off. I was like, I can't do this anymore, man. I really can't do this, but I'm starving. So I'm going to keep eating it. But the pickles, like the pickle residue was just as powerful as the pickles and i hated pickles for like a week pickles on pizza i've seen it i've had it cc's pizza they'll do some freaky stuff in there

and bring back cc Pizza. Is that still around? God, that used to be the place that I would like. I would go on like a like to celebrate stuff. That'd be the first thought in my mind. Something good happens? Hey, CC's?

Last game of the year. CC's pizza yeah you want to yeah let's go to cc's pizza look back no one's there damn it five dollars for pizza there's no way there's no r.i. Cece. Bring back Cece's Pizza because I would ball out at Cece's Pizza. I'd pay for people at Cece's Pizza. Me and seven of my friends. I got it. I got this, bro. I got it. For real. I got it. Just give me next time. $40 total. Hey, don't worry about it. I got it.

Balling out. Cece's Pizza, man. It was just like, yeah, that's the place I want to go. That's the place I want to go on a date. No, I don't want to go to Morton's Steakhouse, have steak with mushrooms on a shrimp cocktail a glass of wine i want to go to cc's pizza oh my god cc's pizza energy with hey cc's pizza with cheese cups i mean is is anybody eating pizza for anything other than

the cheese cup yo benny what up man love you you're the goat um i'm a hater when it comes to people ordering sandwiches at subway and being hella fucking specific with what they want on there and and how they want the people to make them uh dude just let them make the sandwich with what you tell them to put on there. Right. Like, yeah, I want it toasted, but not too long. That's annoying. And then I want olives, but just like a little bit. No, no, no.

That's too much. That's too much. And then give me a lot of onion. And then they'll put onion on there. They'll be like, more. They'll put some more onion on there. More. They'll put some more onion on there.

More. No, no, no. Actually, no, that's too much. Can you take a little bit of that off And a little bit of salt Yes I'm like you just got fucking Onion Olives

And salt It always is And turkey Who's Buying this It's like My mom Dude just fucking

Take what they give you Right And You know You get what you get No more Subs What do you Go do can take what they give you right and you know you get what you get no more subs uh anyway yeah let me get out of here man i gotta go um eat a piece of pizza from papa john i love this guy man slayed it sl it. A1 voice message.

I'm kind of that guy. I'm a little bit that guy. But I'm like lenient with it. I'm like, hey, you know, just a little bit of cheese. And if they put a lot of cheese on there, I'm like, well, we tried. I'm not the guy that's like, open it back up, take the cheese off. Like I feel too, I feel like I'm inconvenienced. I feel like I step over the guy that's like, open it back up, take the cheese off. I feel too... I feel like I'm inconvenienced.

I feel like I step over the line. But at Chipotle, sometimes I'm like, hey, you're putting too much stuff on my stuff. They will just disregard your... I'm going to start saying the amount of rice i want hey put a hundred rice in there 200 rice just so they have like an image if i say a little bit of rice and you scoop me three i'm like yo for what little light light light avocado what am i supposed to do with all this

hey the people at subway with the condiments are you trying to get rid of it hey subway employees this is your manager speaking have a little touch when it comes to condiments just a little have a little have a little like design in your in your bag you know what i mean have a little flair artistic flair i know not a lot of people are artistic. I'm not.

But if I'm making a sub, I'm at least doing like a light zigzag. You've never worked there. You wouldn't know. Hey, yeah, I would. Oh, thanks for the soaking wet sub chips chips and drink chips on drink yeah i'm gonna need a chip i'm gonna need chips and drinks to soak all this mustard up have a little touch subway just a little that's all i'm asking just a little bit

none of that baby girl just a little bit yeah but like people that people that are very specific at subway and chipotle like you you gotta know deep down like they they just don't want to be there every time i go to the chipotle in hollywood it is in hollywood they never have chicken ever and i'm like what what what do you think this is the you know why we're coming buy more chicken chipotle insomnia cookies insomnia cookies maybe it's because i'm getting older and i'm getting like uh i'm getting fed up with stuff like this i just didn't notice it when i was a kid i don't know but insomnia cookies they didn't have any cookies at like 11 13 p.m insomnia cookies hey we're kind of running low i'm like this is your this is it for you this is

where you hang your hat babe insomnia cookie yeah we're gonna bake some more cookies we kind of ran out uh this is when we come to get cookies insomnia at night because we're fat that's what i wanted to say but i didn't say that i'd be like i'll wait here for 45 minutes i hate taylor's list I think she's way overrated. I know, but you got to respect it. You got to respect it. Is she overrated? You can be overrated if you're selling out stadiums.

You can't. You can't. But you got to be a hater sometimes. You got to be a hater sometimes. God, what is it deep down? There's somebody like that that I'm like, I just don't think they have it. The first time I saw Taylor Swift,

well, I just did that thing before I talked. The reminder to everyone that you're about to say something that's so unimportant. Well, I think that will click the unimportant click the don't don't listen to anything i'm saying click the first time i saw taylor swift i was uh shocked by how mediocre she was looking um but i was just like a like a like a college guy with no filter on twitter and i was like there's no way you guys think she's pretty oh bro cringe moment of the week i used to ride people on twitter what was i doing um but i, the more I realize, she looks good.

I think all our... I mean, what are you going to do, man? She's selling everything out. Everybody loves her. Oh, my God, her songs all sound the same. You know how hard it is to make every single one of your songs sound different when you're when you just have a billion songs a billion fans you got to churn out music every two seconds like yeah there's gonna be a little bit of overlap all

our songs are about to say they're all kind of boppy though they all kind of bop they do you got that jg went worth look in your eye and i got that that's my favorite taylor swift song me just me just admitting that i'm a fan right now after you say she's uh mediocre i'm just like i love her if i was a girl would I be a Swifty? I feel like every girl ever is. Be a hater. You got to be a hater, though. It's hard for me to hate entertainers. I'm like, you're doing something right. The entertainers that I hate are the ones that, like, you can tell that there's someone behind them, like,

pumping money to get them out there. So I'm like, what ladder did you climb to get to where you are? You know, like there's people out here dogging it every day in the trenches. And then there's somebody that just rises, rises to the top real quick. I still respect them,

but I'm like, how did you do that? T Swift was grinding. I think let's keep going. Let's keep a couple more you know what sometimes i just hate myself like but not in like a depressive way like in a way where you're like what the fuck did i just say like i was walking out of walmart me the guy was wearing some type of military hat. It was Veterans Day. And so I tipped my ball cap at him like I was a cowboy and said, thank you for your service, sir.

And he kind of looked at me weird because I'm sure I looked like a fucking idiot. He was like, oh, thank you. And then I walked out and I'm like, what the fuck did I just do? Am I a cowboy now i love this i'm gonna be cringing about that now until like next year oh my god oh man hey it's it's been a lot the past week where i've just uh been sitting here or like doing something. It's always when I'm like mindlessly doing something, cooking, making my bed, which I do twice a week because I don't really get under the covers. Guy who's insane.

But I'll just remember something I did and I'll be like, ah, Brett's happened a lot this past week. Ah, you know, whatever you said to that guy, I didn't sound that bad when he replay it like that. Well, the way you just explained it to us sounds kind of nice. when you replay it like that. The way you just explained it to us sounds kind of nice.

See, I would stutter and say something like, you know what, dude? Happy Memorial Day. God damn! That's me. That's me. Anytime I try to do anything,

anything, almost did it right there. Lose all motor skills. Lose all motor skills, sir. Oh, you're saying something? You're saying something in front of a girl? Lose all motor skills. Okay.

Last one. You want me to be a hater? Oh, this one was meant for me, dude. I got a couple. First, people that drive with headphones in fuck you so weird second adults that announce they're taking a break from social media fuck off for what women get real no but seriously uh there are some things that piss me off one of the main ones is how we expect people at sports games to give the little kids the home run ball or the ball that gets thrown into the stands why the fuck do the little kids need it oh yeah here's a guy that's

been coming to the games for two decades it's got a whole room in his house dedicated to sports memorabilia for this team granted he's a fucking dork a little bit yeah whatever but why am i going to give it to the little kid who's going to drop it in a puddle on the way back to his car oopsie and just fucking leave it they don't. They can't even name a player. That shit always pisses me off when I see it on the TV. So yeah, fuck them kids. Anyways. That was a cold voice message.

You got to appreciate the subtleties in the details. It was kind of beautiful. Top five? Top five voice message right there man i think you guys know who that is names lamb but uh bro every time he comes on the pot he's got something beautiful to say just lays it out he builds it like a like a sandwich with bread and butter pickles and mushrooms. Jeez. Yeah, you love making a kid's day, honestly. But if it was a baseball that I really wanted, I don't care about your kid.

Actually, the things I don't care the most about are probably everyone's kids. It's probably not. It's not the best quality. But I really just don't. Why would I care about your kid? He's done nothing. I know you love him. But honestly.

What's the point of them to me? Oh, my God. Look at Mike. when people show you pictures of their kids hey hey hey hey come here come here give them a hug and just go hey i'm not the one okay i'm not the one i know you love your kids but listen to me i don't give a shit about your kids. All right. Okay. And they should be like, oh, yeah, what am I doing? You know, what am I doing?

Imagine your mom being like, like bragging about you to people. Hey, hey, hey, hey, no. The hell? If I caught Mark McGuire's 60th, don't even know if he hit that many, home run ball, 62. And there were, and I caught it in the middle of a kid's baseball camp. Around me, there's just 15 kids going, Oh my God!

The way I'd put it in my pocket, walk outside, go to McDonald's, get a Big Mac, and go home and put it in my memorabilia room. I don't give a shit about kids. Your mind will change when you have one of your own. No, it won't. Not for a second. I'll be a cool dad, man, one day, maybe. But shut up about your kids, bro.

What does that do? I don't know. I probably got a bad attitude about kids, bro. What does that do? I don't know. I probably got a bad attitude about it, honestly. Check my... But we can be a hater. I can be a hater. People that just post like their babies and shit on Instagram. Hey.

Did your wife make you do that? Like, for what? Oh my God. Hey, show it to your mom. She's the one that cares. You have literally a bad, oh hey. Nobody gives a shit about your kids. Deep down.

Dear Diary. A show in San Diego. It was really fun. Midway through the show though, I'm looking around in the crowd uh, show in San Diego was really fun. Um, midway through the show though, I'm looking around in the crowd because you know, it's pretty lit up. A lot of very pretty women there in San Diego.

Oh my God. What? And men. God, there's a guy in the crowd that was so hot, bro. He looked like San Diego. I was like, there's a guy in the crowd that was so hot, bro. He looked like San Diego. I was like, that's sand.

But I looked to my right. There's these two girls, bro. They're staring at me like, like, like I'm disgusting. Like I'm a pig on stage. Naked. I was like, damn, I must have said.

And I couldn't look at him anymore because I was like, yo, those, those, I don't know what I said. I almost brought it up during the show. What did I say? What's wrong? What's wrong? Can we all be happy? What's wrong? After the show, talking to everybody, meeting everybody.

What's up hey i see these i see the two girls are waiting in line i was like they're saying hi to me i thought they i thought they got dragged here by like somebody you know that hey come come see this guy and they didn't want to go at all and they're just like it's my worst fear fine we'll go and they just have a bad time and just have a bad meet and greet i think i think she she might have been the closest to my face and the happiest person i've ever met in my entire life like almost like i think i think i my lips touched her lips

and i almost was and it was a completely different thing i was like why'd you i can't let that kind of stuff bother me on stage but dear diary dude the resting bitch face on this girl was absolutely and it was like a it was like she was a mutant she was mystique in the crowd i was like oh oh my god what did i say that you hate i couldn't have said anything that bad i thought she was she wanted it the whole time. After the show? What? Dude, the mixed signals, yo.

This girl would... Wow. Oh my God. If you're listening, ma'am, I love you. Thanks for taking the pic. After the show, we had a great time,

but during the show, I don't know, I was almost like, yo, get her, just, you gotta go, if you're gonna do that, that was so, that was, what, I don't know, cringe moment, it ended up fine, cringe moment of the week, I did a, I did a brand deal with dollar shave club and i had a cat call a yeti it's out it's out it's out on instagram and i had a cat call with a yeti holding the sign i was like oh that's pretty cool that's a pretty good idea all right let's do it i was like oh that's pretty cool it's a pretty good idea all right let's do it dude this i'm texting this dude like hey man um let's meet up on the corner of this street these streets and we'll just we'll just go at it get there around 10 you know around 10 means like 10 0 5, 10 0 7. Right. Or you even get there at like 9 55,

9 53 around 10, like max. Like if it's 10 25, I'm like, dog, like, come on. Where are you at? Hey, 11 34. I just see this guy. Hey, man. With his girl. With a Yeti suit in a bag. And I'm like, yo, you're the Yeti. He's like, yeah. I'm like, bro, get dressed, man. We got work to do.

I thought about canceling the whole thing. Like, hey, the Yeti never showed. He was talking about park. I thought it was a scam the whole thing like hey we the yeti never showed he was talking about part i thought it was a scam the whole time i was like this guy um scammed the company and he's scamming me right now he's not going to show up like they must have fronted him some money to come out here he's not showing up his texts were coming up green i was like bro this is a fake this is all fake guy takes like 40 48 minutes to get dressed. I'm like, he probably left.

I'm biting my nails like crazy. Like, when are we ever going to do this? He's finally ready. It's like 12, 15 a.m. finally ready. It's like 12, 15 AM. This dude actually becomes a Yeti. Like I was like, there's no way this is, this is good. This is going to be the worst night of my life. Guy who doesn't want to be here. Dude. of not, like, kind of not feeling it. He might be a little... Bro put on the suit and became the...

Actors in Hollywood. Bro, this guy was not a person for the next hour and a half. He was a Yeti. Worth the wait. Dude, was i wrong about this guy i'm wrong about everything the girl in the crowd the yeti i can't get a read on anybody dude this yeti was so he he was not scared of anything literally was would i think i felt safe i felt safe i've never felt more safe in my life than being next to a yeti for an hour and a half in hollywood i was like bro this guy's got my back like i felt like he like i was like he was my my my like my yeti you know how like i don't know if you're a girl and you got

a boyfriend that's a big strong guy has a truck and a gun and like really you know holds it down you got that's how i felt i was like i feel like petite i feel like i'm in love dude dude was good bro was worth the wait let's do days of the week you'll see the content too there's some on instagram um yeti yeti cat calls yeti stuff coming out days of the week thursday today seat belt day i don't even think about seatbelts anymore they don't annoy me they actually kind of feel comfortable I feel weird if I don't have a seatbelt in the car I think it's a thing people don't like seatbelts because I don't think they wore them when they were younger like I don't I'll never understand

the the the rivalry between my mom and a seat belt it's like the only thing i think of like nobody hates anything more than my mom hates her seat belt i think my mom like disabled the whole entire seat belt alarm in her car because it was so uncomfortable i'm like it can hey, it's just helping. Can't really turn a TV on? Disables the whole seatbelt alarm. Hey, the time, it drives me absolutely insane. When you go to put your seatbelt on, it's like. And it won't come down.

I'm like, what? Then I'm like, forget it. I don't need to wear. I'll die. I'll die, man. I will die so quick. If something's pissing me off, I'm fine. I'll die. Pickle day, Thursday.

Shut up. Stop it. Pickle day. pickle day thursday shut up stop it pickle day i think i had so many pickles growing up that that's why i don't like them anymore because i had like my my my i cramped real hard i don't know if I don't drink enough water or what's going on, but I cramp more than anybody I've met. Like sometimes during this podcast, just my forearm will cramp. And I'm like, ah, God, what the f... Does that happen to anybody else? I don't get them in the middle of the night anymore, but that pain is a different level of pain. That first time you got a cramp in your hamstring or calf, you thought you were dying, right?

You thought you were dying. Screaming and, oh my God! A cramp in your ab, you ever get that? I got a cramp in my ab when I was on stage one time and I had to battle through it. It was crazy. I was doing it. I was talking like this.

Uh-huh. Just pretending I didn't have a cramp. I was like, maybe I can get through it it was crazy i was doing it i was talking like this uh-huh i i just pretending i didn't have a cramp i was like maybe i can get through it but because i had so many cramps cramps in my calves cramps in my legs cramps in my feet cramp cramp in your neck you ever get a neck cramp oh i would have to drink so much pickle juice. Like every Friday in high school for high school football, I would drink maybe like two jars of pickle juice. That's why I probably ate pickles. Because it's supposed to like immediately rehydrate you or something like that. That's all. That's all.

That was football for me. Every Friday, I'd be sucking up relish packets in the locker room. Mustard. Relish. Mustard. Relish. Get back on the field, have the worst acid reflux in the world. That's probably why I gird so much.

Imagine just going out and trying to play your hardest when all you did was eat uh hot dog condiments for 20 minutes beforehand you have a rough game it wasn't great yeah you're playing like you just ate two bottles of relish oh Yeah, you're playing like you just ate two bottles of relish. Oh. Friday. Raisin Bran Day. Put some respect on Raisin Bran! Raisin Bran stands so true to what they believe in, you know? Gosh, you see a Raisin Bran box.

Nothing's changed. They don't need, they don't, with marshmallows? Has Raisin Bran ever done that? I kind of think they have a little bit. They don't add anything. They don't care about kids.

They don't give a shit about kids. Raisin Bran? It's for people that are 50. Purple box. One of the best cereals ever. Raisin Bran can go down in time. Hey, you know what I hate?

Honestly, I hate Wheaties. People would just smack eat Wheaties. Growing up, Wheaties was like, I felt like they were trying to get me to eat them. I was like, I have no, not one ounce or cell in my body thinks Wheaties are any good.

I couldn't even, ew, Wheaties. Hey, Frosted Wheaties. Good God. Good God almighty. Wheaties, Wheaties. Wheaties was my whole life grown up. Ew.

But raisin brand, man, you throw some raisins in there. The hate on raisins needs to stop. I'm glad nobody brought that up. Because raisins, don't leave me around a box of raisins. I'll put that thing down they're so good chewy it's another one of those things i thought didn't have any uh calories any sugar i just thought it was free from the earth we're good to go what do you just boxes of raisins every day. So dumb. Clean out your fridge day.

Never have had that problem. Why? Because there's three things in my fridge at all times. Three. Ground turkey, eggs, LaCroix. Dude, that's the life I live. Ground turkey, eggs, LaCroix. Why? Why?

I don't know. Everything else kind of makes me just feel like shit. Guy who's going to get Chipotle after this and get mad that they put way too much rice in his bowl. It's the number one thing I think that I've put off in my life. People put off in their lives, it was cleaning out the fridge, man. The amount of times I've been to my dad's house and I'm like, man,

the way I just want to do him a favor and throw all this crap away. Never do it. When something smells in the fridge, God, that's the worst feeling ever. You ever think highly of someone, then you open their fridge and it smells and you're like, not anymore.

Lost all respect. Dude, if somebody's refrigerator smells, I'm like, I honestly can't even look you in the eye anymore. Everything I thought about you, out the window. Don't like you anymore. Actually, I gotta go. I forgot I need to take my dog out. You don't have you anymore actually i gotta go i forgot i need to take my dog out you don't have a dog well yes i do i do now i've got a cat with a soft back it's on my feet right now ma'am back it's on my feet right now ma'am is that that guy with feet that are like a cat's back i think so

saturday international check your wipers day i think i just went six months with one wiper and the other one the other wiper was just metal that's scraped across my windshield why is he so dumb it didn't make any marks though we like kind of get it have we come up with a solution to defrosting your windows man that's one that is one big player advantage to living on the west coast i haven't even had to think that is absolutely terrible walking outside that cold and then your whole entire windshield never once have i remembered that my windshield has ice all over it not one time in my entire life have i been like oh yeah better get out there eight minutes early not once it's just like the biggest afterthought in the world.

Driving in your car, looking out of a windshield with this much visibility. Me driving. Me driving in the Midwest. So good though. Just like this the whole time. That's why we can text and drive. Don't look at your phone!

No phones while driving! The windshield just iced over. Can't see a goddamn thing. No mirrors on the car. Fast food day kind of the only thing I've ever thought about and every talked about and and the reason I do content online my not my first goal my first thing first thing i wanted to do just have more followers in burger king why do you do all this you like make skits and you do that i just want to have more followers in burger king that's it that's it baby just one day i got more followers than Burger King. That's all I need.

That's all I need. No recognition, bro. I just want to have more followers than the home of the Whopper. Sunday. Butter day. Butter day and homemade bread day on the same day. That's some lockdown stuff right there, bro. were people were making bread they were so bored during lockdown getting good too you want to love for brad just handing him out

my dad had me so anti-butter i wasn't even i was looking at my friend side-eyed when he put them on his McDonald's pancakes. Hey, pass me the butter real quick. I'll be like, okay, but okay. All right. All right. Mr. Last meal. You go to the electric chair for this. No better bread than, uh, than cheesecake factory. That pre- that pre-bread something i always forget about too eating that eating at a restaurant oh my god can't wait for the food and oh they put the bread out that's crazy every time such a surprise just bread it's just bread a they dropped the bread off thank you so much how about that bread at texas road it's up there bro that is up there that bread at texas roadhouse it's like wet it looks like a mouse

that gerbil you get a basket of gerbils at texas roadhouse you don't need any butter, baby. Those things are silky buns. That's what my feet. That's what my feet. That's my feet right there. They may look weird, but you put your little dogs on my dogs, you'd be stepping on Texas Roadhouse gerbils. little dogs on my dogs you'll be stepping on texas roadhouse gerbils take a hike everybody takes hikes everybody takes hikes out here and it's the same thing as a midwest walk and everybody i hate to a hater hater time it's a hater podcast. We're hating.

Everybody's who's taking a hike or taking a walk is depressed. You're not doing it because of exercise. You're doing it because you're like, yo, I got to get the hell out of here. Every walk is, I got to change something. Every walk I've taken,

man, I can't. I'm brain dead. Everybody's going through it. that's why when you're taking a walk somebody's always like hey how you doing good you pretty good just checking in translation walk by somebody in your neighborhood are you gonna kill yourself thinking about it me too every walk every hike hikes are dangerous because you could really fall down a cliff and everybody's going through it on hikes uh we took a hike like me and the girl was it a hike, like me and the girl. Was it a hike? Or are you having a mentee bee? That's why when you're a kid, you're like, taking a walk is so weird, man.

For what? It's playing in the backyard. When you're an adult, you're like, I need to take a walk. Yo, hey, I I gotta walk around real quick or something crazy bro once you hit an age you're like I just gotta take a walk

gotta get my mind right pops a mushroom in his mouth there we go that's some old guy right there. Eating raw mushrooms, taking a walk. Keep an eye out on him. All right, yo. That's the pod.

I love you guys. Buffalo, I'm going to see you tonight. I'm going to be wearing this. Please waterboard me in mustard and light me on fire and throw me through a table. I can't wait. I'm going to eat so many buffalo wings. He always talks about food. It's like the only thing he talks about.

It's because I love it. Remember to leave a rating, review. Upcoming shows, keep an eye out. Merch, keep an eye out. Live podcast in Ind december 18th start promoting that pretty hard real soon but um i love you guys thank you for the voice messages