Espresso - Benny's Love Advice

Episode Date: February 16, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to your love problems (like your girl is not letting you fart in front of her)🎟️ 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦Ontario Improv Thurs 3/16 https://improv.com/ontario/comic/benedict+polizzi/Kansas City Improv Thurs 3/23 https://improvkc.com/ShowDetails/b0822311-7337-417d-b373-e6f378a41b9d/3ef90ddd-e238-427f-bd95-e028af25d0dc/Benedict__Polizzi/Kansas_City_ImprovAlbany Funny Bone Thurs 4/6 https://albany.funnybone.com/ShowDetails/7103c957-393b-4e13-a58a-cb2b21082f5d/fe90f238-dd0b-4177-a490-91bacbb9d65d/Benedict_Polizzi/Albany_Funny_Bone Tampa Improv Thurs 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_ImprovGet a Bonus Episode every week 🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/💋𝗕𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗖𝗹𝗶𝗽𝘀 youtube.com/channel/UCwJEupKLP-c3i3h8BAq18hQ🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔺𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 cameo.com/benedictpolizzi🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 instagram.com/benedictpolizzi🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 witter.com/benedictpolizzi

It's not going to be me. That's the only thing I'm sure of. It's not. I'm not farting first. I will look someone dead in the fucking face. If we date, I'm not farting first because that's how much that means to me. I'll break up with you before I fart in front of you. What's up, girlies? It's the Espresso Podcast. I'm Benedict Polizzi, and this is Shot 250. Today, mommy's going to give you some love advice but first been waiting my whole entire life to do this hold on upcoming shows yes ontario improv in california thursday january 4th. March 16th. Kansas City Improv in Missouri. Can't believe Kansas City isn't in Kansas still. March 23rd.

Albany Funny Bone in NY. Thursday. January 4th. April 6th. Don't know the months. Tampa Improv. Thursday. April 27th.

See you there, yes i'll put all the links and shit uh under this podcast in the description but let's pack that shit out and fuck around i can't wait remember to join the patreon five dollars a month for an extra episode every single week. Merch at benedictmerch.com. Right here, dude. This Feeling Lonky shirt right here. Best shirt I own. I can't stop wearing it. It's the shirt.

I'm like, I'm wearing that. I sleep in it. You know when you start sleeping in shit, you like love it too much. Those are the clothes you really love. The clothes you sleep in. The shit you want to wear all day, but you can't because

you look like a piece of shit walking around yeah but uh dude the shirt goes both ways benedictmerch.com subscribe on youtube putting a video out every single week and it's the hardest thing i've ever done in my life so please subscribe and watch and listen to these guys podcasts of me and joey Molinaro every Tuesday. Wherever you get your podcasts. But all right, let's get into it. What are your love problems? For me, it's just, I can't go on a normal date.

Are we still doing that? Are people still like, hey hey can i take you out like it just feels so 1950 to be like hey you want to go out this saturday i'll pick you up at eight hunty are people really still out here being that desperate taking people on dates like that like you ever see you know when you go to a restaurant you see like an awkward couple you're like oh my god they're on a first date. It's so fucking lame. The guy's like, mm-hmm. Mm.

Acting all fucking interested. All he wants to do is fuck. And the girl's like, yeah. Being all dainty and shit with her food. Just not being themselves at all. I can't do it, bro. You got to put me. I got to do the, like the most fun I have or the best time I have with a girl do it, bro. You got to put me, I got to do the, like the, the most fun I have

or the best time I have with a girl is when, um, when, when it's not like a, like a scenario where everybody's going to be like, yeah, okay. Oh, so how is, you know, so what do you do now, bro? Fuck me up. I got to be in the worst situation of all time yeah let's go horseback riding but let's do it like through a fucking oh something's gotta fuck up for me to have a good time yeah i'll go to dinner with you if the restaurant's on fire i just i don't know dude i can't go on a normal date shit's gotta be fucked up all right dude my my my number one date is just going to the mall let's just go to the mall oh my god i'll have the best time

i'll probably fucking marry you i think i want to marry you walking by fucking yankee candle i think i want to marry you Walking by Kay Jewelers I think I wanna motherfucking marry you Lens Crafters You TGI Fridays Can we go in there and eat so I can propose to you PacSun

I wanna pack up and marry you Under the sun Best night of my life gotta do it or a grocery store fucking slap my ass slap my ass in the groin who's not having the best night of their fucking life just walking around meyer and it's always meyer it's not target because that's like we're married and we're a couple but uh but meyer walking around in meyer with a girl wouldn't have it any other way but uh let's get to you what are your love problems i can't go on a date what about you what's your love problem i'll give you advice from anonymous also ben i need you to know that I get... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. No, no, no.

Anxiety. Oh, stop it. Stop it. Whenever. Okay. Here we go from the top. My love problem is that I can't date anyone who's living in the matrix. So if they do anything that anyone else does, it's a no. Like, for example, if they work a nine to five, if they watch TV shows, if they eat unhealthy, if they go to bars, if they watch the news, you know, basic things. I've never related to anything so much in my life, but who's doing that shit?

I guess people that work normal jobs are are like computer robots and they're like must watch news must get married oh at this point in my life must have boat have me to have kid dude a lot of people think like that and it scares the shit out of me like you know when we were growing up you know all the people that got married like they were like they were like really trying to get married like there's just there was just one year where a lot of my friends were like oh i need to get married like dude they had that in their head their whole life growing up and you didn't even know it like when you were just homies with your with your boys back in the day like in their head they're like oh i need to get married when i'm like 25. I wasn't even fucking... I'm still not even thinking about that.

Every girl. When I'm 24, I need to be married! Oh my God, bro. Chill. You're going to have the most horrible life of all time if you think like that. I need to be married now! Just fucking marry anybody that's in front of you you have kids in

three years house fuck i can't even look at people that do that where is some other shit she said my love problem is that i can't date anyone who's living in the matrix. So if they do anything that anyone else does, it's a no. Like, for example, if they work a nine to five, if they watch TV shows. Who's watching fucking TV, bro? Just like on a Wednesday. Who's tuning into CBS to watch like whatever the who the fuck even knows what's on TV anymore. If they eat unhealthy, if they go to bars, if they watch the news. I had a bird, people that just eat a burger on a Wednesday.

How do you live your life? How do you do it? Here's the second, uh, voice message. You're late to post the espresso question of the week. Hold on, hold the week hold on hold on also ben i need you to know that i get anxiety whenever you're late to post the espresso question of the week the way she said espresso with an x maybe you want to jump through a fucking window but uh i don't know when I should put it out. You know, like this week was like a Valentine's Day week.

So it's kind of a wild card. But the fact that you guys are even thinking about that. It's true love, Curly. Thank you. Yeah, people with the normal lives and normal jobs. I know that's like the most like played thing to say. And it's like trendy to be like, oh, I want to live off the grid. But like, how are they

doing that? Need to have a job. Need to have a family. By this age. By this age. By this age. By this age. By this age. Need to take care of my dad. By this age. By this age. By this. Shut up. Those people drive me... I don't know how they do it, bro.

You are a computer. Hi. I need to go to the bank today. I need to pick up my kid. I can't even... I can't even... I can't talk about it. Powering down.

What's up ben um so what happened last night um long story short i got way too wine drunk uh but long story uh we were doing a date night and um there was a lot of couples at my job and i really hope none of my freaking co-workers or anybody listens to this because i could probably get in trouble but um yeah so we were like yeah whatever let's cut loose everybody get a glass of wine um i ended up drinking a whole bottle of wine because how so by the end the night, I was feeling real good. But then by the time that I was aware of what was going on, I was like, oh my God, maybe I'm not as okay being single as I thought I was. Yeah, so definitely had fun drinking, but maybe... No, it cut her off. Definitely had fun drinking, but maybe...

No, it cut her off. She drank a little too much and started wanting a boyfriend. That's what happens. How about every night just the temptation of drinking an entire bottle of wine? Am I the only one that's like, wow, what if I just... Can't. Wine doesn't do anything to me when I drink it it's just the best time in my life then i wake up and i feel a hundred percent better i'm like what what was in that but i feel you girl yeah there's a bunch of couples and stuff and you're like should i be

doing that but the answer is no unless you like i don't know i don't think i'll ever do it but unless you find somebody that like really really fucks with you every time i date a girl i'm like they fucking hate me for sure like a hundred percent but the answer is no stay single because this happened this is i can't speak for anybody else but every time i'm with somebody i don't grow i don't do anything i just sit there and i like think you know you just you get obsessed with them i get obsessed quick bro i fall in love in like three hours hours. Don't do it. Don't do it. But you know what feels the best ever? I might, this might be my toxic trait. I think I figured it out. I know toxic trait is like such a cringe like phrase now, but like I think my toxic trait is I love the feeling of getting out of a

relationship. It's like, oh! You know? Like at the end of Aladdin where the genie's fucking shackles come off his wrists. That's what I feel like. I'm like, yeah! Yeah!

I can just go to the store? Maybe I'm in. It just happens every time. It can't. I don't know. But bro, that might be my thing. It is such a good feeling, though, when you're just like, wow, I'm done with that shit? Bitch, let's fucking, let's just sit inside all day now.

Because that's what mommy wants to do. Just keep going. All right, here's my problem. Okay, I've been with my girl six years. All right, and in that six years, she does not let me fart in front of her. Like, will not. Like, I have to go to the bathroom.

She calls it my fart office. She's like, if you've got to fart, you've got to go to your fart office. It's like, but we're getting married. So my question is, is like, when we're married, do I just start firing them off? Like just machine gunning them? Because like we're married.

What's she going to do? Divorce me over it? Yeah, that's my problem. Let me know. Fuck. Yeah. Fart office, bro. yeah fart office bro i want to make places in the in public my fart office but i don't know if that's weird or not to people like i was on a comedy show the other day with all girls and there's a green room it's just me and three girls and i have to fucking shred ass and i'm

like i can't do it in here so i'm like but there is a bathroom but it's like a very small bathroom it's like a closet i'm like can i just fart in there and then walk back out like is that okay to do i don't know that's all i think about actually but girlfriend of six years gonna get married doesn't let him fart dude i think if i'm in a relationship i'm not farting you'll never hear me fart maybe when i'm sleeping because like all bets are off when you're sleeping i'm just ripping ass one day every time she looks at me i'm like oh he's sleeping just fake sleeping so you can fart. My bad.

I was taking a nap. You were just awake five seconds ago as a power nap. I don't think, dude, I think you just keep doing it, man. You can't get married

all of a sudden and just start fucking raising a leg. No way. I think it's weird. I've never dated a girl that's ever farted in front of me on purpose. That'd be so weird. Girls that fart on purpose. You're a guy now. Never been around one of you, but want to go play one-on-one?

Want to ride dirt bikes? I don't know girls that dude have you ever has a girl ever just walked up to you and fucking unless they're like six or some shit that'd be so weird i'd be like hey i know who i'm picking first for my flag football team. You, farty pants, you'll run through a brick wall. You don't care about anything. Yeah, girls that fart. Guess what? They're going to kick your ass one day.

Girls that fart on purpose. You are my leader. That's a rare breed though. A girl that'll just walk in a room and close the door. I'm like, are you my brother now?

Never seen it. Let me know if you have, but the answer is no. You can't fart in front of your girl. You just can't do it Never seen it. Let me know if you have. But the answer is no, you can't fart in front of your girl. You just can't do it, bro. You just can't do it. You got to hold strong. But if she farts first, you got all the power in the world, dog.

Girl farts first in a relationship, dude. You can do whatever you want for the next 24 hours. That's just how it works. And in your head at that moment you're like i'm staying out tonight bitch i can do anything i want you have the power you have the fart card you won the battle that's the only battle i I'm willing to put my life on the line for, the fart battle. Who's farting first? It's not going to be me. It's not going to be me. That's the only thing I'm sure of. It's not. I'm not farting first. I will look someone dead in the fucking face. If we date, I'm not farting first because that's how much that means to me. I'll break up with you before I fart in front of you.

Sounds perfectly normal to me. But if I do fart in front of you, oh my fucking God, what would I even do? I'd have to disappear. I'd have to move to fucking Mexico. I'm so sorry sorry in a jet ski farting every bump though holy shit let's keep going my relationship is pretty good like better than good it's pretty awesome i just want to say how important time is and spending time with your partner and putting

an effort to plan time to spend with your partner and not just going out to eat all the time like that's so lame do something fun play cards one night put together a puzzle dance in your living room things like that yeah that takes a lot yeah bro yeah it's a job man it sure is a fucking job if you actually want like a happy marriage and you want to be married bro you gotta you gotta put in some work you gotta like plan i would take an hour every day and be like what the fuck are we doing tonight you know but then like that takes all your time i don't know i just feel like it's way easier than that i feel like you meet somebody that gets on the same page as you and they're just like yeah whatever

we're just together, yeah, whatever. We're just together. It's whatever. We'll just figure that out. Hard to come by. And then there's people that are like, what do we need to have tonight's game night? It's like real scheduled out and shit.

You're like, I don't fucking know. But if a girl came up to me and she was like, we're playing cards tonight. But if a girl came up to me and she was like, we're playing cards tonight, I'd get in my car and run it through a Mike's car wash. Not through it either, just like through the side of it. I'll do anything not to play cards. I'll run it through a Mike's car wash with all the windows down and screaming the whole time.

Okay, let's play cards. We don't play euchre. A puzzle could never play a puzzle with the girl. Oh my God. The fight I would get in. I would quit so quick. Where is the, I'm already gone. Did you see the one with the thing poking out of the gone? Where'd he go? Oh fuck.

In Mexico. Let's keep going. My love problem is that I love too hard and end up getting taken advantage of and treated horribly. It's super awesome because I put my all into someone and it's never reciprocated. So love it. Time to quit. Who's not getting taken advantage of in a relationship, though? I guess I never do that i'm like ew if i'm ever taking advantage of you just fucking please kill me love too hard i love pretty hard like for the first uh i'm a piece of shit i love pretty hard

for like for i got like two years max dude every every relationship i've been in two years max i can't after year two it's like yo we gotta we gotta figure this out probably right but for that first couple months you know how fun is the relationship the first two months that's what i want my whole life is that ever gonna happen no but those first two months of a relationship well like you're not together but you're kind of together like people don't know bro when people don't know that's the best time of your relationship then when everybody in the planet find you got how you got how you got... That like ruins it for me.

I'm like, damn. It was better when it was just me and you like just chilling and shit. Now it's all datey-datey fucking let's have Christmas puzzles. I'm like, I don't want to do that shit at all. I just kind of want to just... Can we have a diet relationship? Can we have a sugar-free relationship? Low-fat?

Okay. What is my love life problem? Just one of them? Or, like, we're going to go through all of them? One of my problems is, A, I hate dating. So the idea of going on dating apps or going on dates is a nightmare. B, I tend to only like guys when I'm traveling. So if they don't live in my city, then they become very interesting to me.

And the last problem is I'm just not good at being serious. So I'm always going to deflect really intense conversations with humor, which people don't really like that much. I love that. I love that. I'll never talk about anything serious in a relationship ever. We need to solve these issues. I'll be like, all right.

And then it'll be like the worst time of my life. We need to solve these issues tonight. If a girl said that to me, I just never, I wouldn't show up. Sounds like not going to be there. Bro, I can't talk about serious because it's not that serious to me. I'm just like, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. First of all, it's because you're immature. No,

I just, it's just not what I'm going for right now. Deflecting with humor, AKA my entire life. And why are all the hot people living out of town? Hey, hot people move here. So we Hey, hot people, move here. So we can ruin each other's lives.

Every single person that I'm like, oh, wow, she looks good. Fucking Colorado or some shit. Australia. So many hot ass people in Australia. I'm like, what's in the water? No, but seriously, every single person I see australia i'm like what's in the water no but seriously every single person i see from australia i'm like good night mate what are my love problems well the dating pool no longer has pee in it someone straight up took a shit in it everyone is all the same there's no one fun it's just really uninteresting at all like not even a little bit yeah

probably gotta move you know sometimes you just realize like the place you live you're like i mean who cares anymore every single person person I see, I'm like, nah, not at all. Especially when you're locked in, boy. If you're like uninterested in dating, it's so funny how quick you can turn people down. Jesus Christ, man. You want to go like grab drinks? I'm like, that's the last thing i would ever do right now

but you don't say that you're like maybe i'll see you over there yeah i'll let you know but like no fucking chance grab drinks what a camouflage way to say will you go out with me right now i love you want to grab. I love you. Wanna grab drinks? I love you. Hey, we should like go out sometime. I love you so fucking much. Please. Please meet me here.

It's not like a date, but... I love you. Grab drinks. My ass. Grab my ass. Don't grab a drink. When I get there, grab my fucking ass and cup that shit. Way better than drinking something and looking into your eyes. God damn. Let's keep going.

So my love problem is I think we need to bring back pen pals like like I'm down for like a long distance I'm talking about like six to eight hours long distance you know you have your life I have my life and then we pen pal it up like in between and we like hang out and then chill and then we go our separate ways my friends say it's emotionally unavailable i say he's living in 2034 like what like what do you think dude that voice is computer generated if a sex robot could talk. Hold on, there's more. And that's six to eight hours.

That's a plane ride. Just to make that crystal clear. Dude, she might be on to something there. That might be the only way I could be in a relationship. Will you go out with me? Sure. Where do you live? Five hours away. Oh, never mind.

Got to be eight. Yeah, I don't want to see you really ever. Or talk to you. But sometimes, yeah, a lot. Perfect relationship. Never talking or seeing each other. What's wrong with him? What's wrong with him? What's wrong with this man's brain?

Everything. But like, you know, wouldn't it be? Don't talk to me ever. I'll love you. Don't ever fucking text me. you so much text me i'm like eight hours away see you when i see you pen pals in between no fucking texts or calls pen pals and you know why because let me see your handwriting what is it about a fucking handwritten note that's just the sexiest goddamn thing dude i saw some girl at the tanning bed you know you gotta sign in at the tanning bed bro her handwriting made me want to fucking ask what her email was hey this girl jessica davis what's her email because holy

her dude it was so bubbly and big and it took up the whole line it was even it was straight dude if she wrote me a note i think i'd crash my fucking something about a handwritten note. He has a fetish. It is handwriting. Why? Because all he did was a kid. All he did when he was a kid was write down the things he did wrong 800 times a day.

Anybody else have that punishment where you had to write down shit? I will not cross the street unless I look both ways. 7,000 times? That's why I like handwriting so much. Oh, a handwritten note every week. Hey. With like a sticker. Dude, girls are just so good at writing letters.

All right, I'll shut up. I'm bricked. Let's keep going. The last three men that I have dated have all gone back to their exes while we've been dating slash living together slash talking about getting married. I can't anymore. I'm about to be 30. Not that bad. And for your comical personal use if you want or for the podcast don't really care I've been told that maybe I just

need to have sex with them more or fuck them better and I can tell you that I didn't know that I was even supposed to be having sex with these people is that what you're supposed to do actually fuck but uh who's not going back to their ex everybody's thinking about it everybody's thinking about it

everybody's thinking about it even right now right now right now you're thinking about it what if i did i've thought about it bro what if you did has it ever worked out no but damn who doesn't want to go back home for a night it'd feel good to go back home to something you're familiar with uh dude then you're locked in for like a week you hang back you hang out with your ex you're back you're a lot you're dating for a week it's every time every time you hang out with somebody guess what you're dating for a week i think that's true every time you have sex adds like three weeks

that's what it is to me i'm like damn yeah we're dating for the next three weeks now because like how can you just have how can you just do it once guys are like yo i hit it and quit it i'm like how the fuck just once you psycho how you doing it just one dude after one i'm like yo i love you before the one i'm like jesus christ she's it one time one time and then you stop the self-control no way that's real no way you had to have the worst sex of your life even then i'd be like i gotta prove her that like i'm not a bitch you know

and then you just fall in love for the rest of your life i've never done that or anything last one so i have red hair and i'm telling y'all redheads get attention whether it's good or bad so my problem with my love life is whenever i first start talking to a guy i always question like hey are they like genuinely interested in me or are they just trying to play out what of one of their weird kinky fetishes that they have with redheads that's the truest shit ever dude redheads had a glow up remember making fun of redheads when you were a kid? It almost seems like a... It almost seems like you can't even say redhead anymore. Like it's a slur. You see that redhead over there?

Sounds kind of... It sounds kind of like you're like a racist or something. Oh, redhead! Oh, freckle legs! Oh! Dude, redheads are the hottest fucking shit going on right now. Redheads are hot now.

I don't even think they're hot, but every time I see a redhead, I'm like, why don't you get over here? Woo! I'm like, she's kind of hot. Wait, do I even think that? Oh, she just has red hair people are dying their hair red nobody used to do that shit he's a redhead what a fucking weirdo i never thought that growing up but everybody else did so i was like i guess they How about people with brown hair and red beards?

I'm like, bro. What? What? What buffet did you, did your parents eat at before they had you? Yo, redhead, yo! When you were growing up, dude, everybody made fun of redheads. And they're the ugliest fucking people now they're the queens of the earth oh my god he has red hair she has red hair it's so different it is a nice little mix so when a girl has red hair and they're like tan you're like

jesus fucking christ hop on the back of this giddy up girl you know how to drive this car drive me wild redheads not that i ever think about them or anything but yeah it's so true are you a fetish are you being fetishized redheads definitely are. Nobody just liked a person and been like, oh yeah, and they just have red hair. Dude, everybody's got like a weird thing for them.

Look at their past, like four girlfriends, all red hair. I just want to see a lineup of everybody's people that they've dated. How about when a girl dates somebody and then she dates like they break up real quick and then she dates someone else looks exactly like the last guy i'm like okay tell us you're not over him without telling us exact same fucking thing it's like guess it didn't matter what he talked about or even said to you all looks baby girl i guess every girl i've ever dated has brown hair

why yeah every fucking one whoops every single girl i've ever dated brown hair every single girl i've ever did brown hair oh fuck got brown hair you're in divorced parents say no more spray tan see you tomorrow tomorrow. Trying to think of other shit. You know nothing that's going on in the real world. All right. We're getting married. You drink coffee and eat cheesecake all day? Okay. Sounds good. You take nothing serious.

Perfect. You joke around 24-7 and don't address real issues. I love you. Hey, that's it. Shot 250. What a clean ass even number. Yo, guys, thank you for the voice messages.

Come out to the shows. They're in the description. Just burped. Benedictmerch.com for your merch. Listen to the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every week. Yo, get a cameo too. Fuck it.

People have been getting cameos from me with catcalls. It's the best shit ever. on five dollars a month for an extra episode every week yo get a cameo too fuck it people have been getting cameos from me with cat calls so it's the best shit ever it's a good idea i didn't even think of it someone was just like yo send me two cat calls for my wife one cat call all right boom for birthday christmas. Just send somebody a random one. Fuck it. I love it. Listen to these guys' podcast with me and Joey too. Thank you guys for real. Got some stuff popping on YouTube. Thanks for all the comments on Instagram, TikTok. I love you. I'll see you next time.