Espresso - BEST OF ESPRESSO the most romantic man

Episode Date: August 3, 2023

On this BEST OF ESPRESSO shot Ben talked about pee cup, gorgeous grandma! mcdonald's trash can, work frappuccino🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Best of Espresso You ready? Okay, okay, okay, okay I am the smartest man alive! Hold on I am the smartest man alive! Oh god, that's me That's me when I successfully, hold on

I am the smartest man alive! when I successfully... Hold on. That's me when I successfully turn on a TV that's connected to a cable player and a sound bar. Hold on. Me when I remember... I'm watching BET. But you know I'm not that.

Me, hold on. Me when I remember, me when I remember my CVV. I am the smartest man alive. Oh my God, seriously. I've had my same credit card for three years. What's up? Is that your area code or your CVV? What's up, dude?

Shot 1166 i'm here i don't know why i just laughed like that like i'm a mad scientist i'm here let's talk let's talk let's talk about sex no let's not no let's talk this whole podcast just about sex. Who wouldn't listen, honestly? Ew, gross. He talked about sex for like 40 minutes. How'd you know? Oh, well, I listened to the whole entire thing front to back.

All right. So, remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and Cameo at Benedict Polizzi. Remember to get a cam, too, you know? Like I was talking about last time, I can be any character. I can be Coach Racco.

Wow. Yeah, I can be Coach Racco. I can be Ashley, our producer in the studio, who's also kind of the same she's sisters with Shelby the girl who does the makeup tuts and by tuts I mean tutorials

but yeah and I can do Johnson here obviously so or I can just be myself I like it when people are like yeah do a cameo but just like say stuff for a minute And I'm like alright those are fun But anything

Works So yeah I had a goatee For five hours Wow How about edging that thing up Edging that Isn't it just a muff Like anytime you see somebody with a goatee Wow, how about edging that thing up? Edging that muff.

Isn't it just a muff? Like, anytime you see somebody with a goatee, doesn't it just look like a muff? Don't they just look exactly like a beagle? This is me. This is me right when I edged up that right side. Here it is. Just, you know, the razor on the skin. It's like... And I, like, wasn't even cutting any...

I wasn't even shaving any hair. I was just, like, doing it repetitively, thinking it was, but it wasn't. Here's the noise it made when I made that last edge up. Right there. it here's the noise it made when i made that last edge up right there right when i hit that that last you know it's like good to go like definitely good to go actually it's just that last part right when i hit that final under my chin that final one you know like kind of the razor goes down the rest of my neck. Bang! And I'm done. I bang the razor off right after. Hit it. Goes down my neck. And then I'm done. Dude, by the way, if you bang the sink after you're done doing dishes, you're my dad. Oh, every time he's done doing dishes, this on the sink. I'm like, dude, every, every single time since I was six

I think it's just two actually he's like he's been doing it for like 55 minutes and then like how done that's what he says in his head he's like done damn it I wish

but yeah I had a goatee and when i have a goatee it's pretty much like i don't know automatically like watch your girl girl jk obviously just kidding. But watch her. Imagine every guy with a goatee really thinks that, though. Like, after they clean up their face, everything fresh shaved, they walk out of the house and they're like, Hey, honey, how's it going? Oh, you look good. You shaved. You look great.

And they're like, yeah, thanks. But in their head, in the back of their head, they're really like, I can bang anyone i want i really do oh man my yeah so when right when i have a goatee basically right like literally right right when right when any guy has a goatee and walks outside their front door it's just this okay right when this is every guy just just just slaps on a fresh wet goatee this is them walking down downstairs and out of the house like knocking some shit down like on like just shit like on the stairs you know you put stuff on the stairs because you don't want to take it all the way upstairs.

You just put stuff on the stairs. You're like, I'll take it up when I'm going up. That's what they're knocking down. Walking down the stairs. Kicks over some shit. Honey! This is them right when they walk out the door. They don't say shit.

They just... Unlock it. Then this. out the door they don't say shit they just unlock it than this can you imagine that right when they right when they open the door in the morning? Instead of like, hey, Rick, the neighbor. You're just like, yeah. Right here. Hold on. This, though.

This. Just him in the studio. Say something to start the song, Trey. Okay, fine. Just say anything. It's his son in the background now doing the... Timmy, you know what to do. I'm walking outside.

Okay, Dad dad just like yesterday Yep Unlocks the door Honey don't do it again I already have my shoes on Hit it Timmy Dismiss the steel girl Keep going Timmy

Dismiss the steel girl One more time Timmy Keep going Dismiss the steel girl Come on Bottoms up Bottoms up Keep going, Timmy. It's Mr. Steal Your Girl. One more time, Timmy. Keep going. It's Mr. Steal Your Girl. Come on. Bottoms up, bottoms up. Anyway, that's when us gents have goatees. That's what goes through our heads.

Nothing crazy. All right, let's talk. Let's just talk it out had a doctor's appointment today oh my god what was it for i know everybody i know even my mom's like what was it for what how nosy is everyone i hate telling people i have a doctor's appointment because they immediately think i have like stem cell cancer like dude they're just they just ran a couple tests like just to make sure I'm not the most romantic man in the world imagine that like the test for that they're like uh we're gonna have to take your blood pressure my blood's like boiling hot oh my god he has the hottest thickest blood we've ever seen

are we is this the guy we're running the tests on to see if he's yeah yeah to see if he's the yeah yeah no you don't even know what i'm saying yeah i do to see if he's yeah yeah to see if he's the yeah yeah no you don't even know what i'm saying yeah i do to see if he's the most romantic man in the world world all right we're gonna have to we're gonna have to listen to his heartbeat okay uh get the get the get the stethoscope okay all right okay mr palizzi we're back um yeah we're just gonna listen to your just listen to your breathing pattern your heartbeat um yeah so just relax and me relaxing is just like doing like that Baywatch pose on the crinkle paper. All right, yeah, so yeah, we're just going to have to... I'm just going to have to put my hand up your shirt here to go on the stethoscope,

and right when she puts her hand up my shirt, it's like the most heat ever. She's like, oh, oh, oh, God. Oh, oh oh my god the doctor's in there he's like is everything okay she's like yeah it's fine it's fine the doctor's sweating his ass off though because he's like holy fuck it's so hot just beads of sweat on his face but he's not wiping it off because he doesn't want to like he doesn't want me to know that he knows that i am the most romantic man so he's like is everything okay and you just sweat everything is drenched in sweat even like his doctor coat

is like his armpits you know it's like all the way down to his like his waist that's how sweaty is his face just so many beads of sweat on his face and the nurse is like oh god oh god it's like super hot it's like that it's like you know when you go like in your car you know when you're in like a really cold building for a long time like work and then you get in your hot ass car that's been baking in the parking lot you're in like a really cold building for a long time, like work, and then you get in your hot-ass car that's been baking in the parking lot. You're like, ah! That's what it feels like under my shirt. It's like, oh, God!

Just when she takes her hand out of my shirt, it's just like a skeleton bone. It's just a skeleton hand. But we haven't gotten that far yet. skeleton hand. No, but we haven't gotten that far yet. Right when she puts a stethoscope on the middle of my, that cold

part of the stethoscope. You know, every time it touches you at the doctor, you're like, oh god, fuck. But you don't say it, but in your head you're like, oh fuck. That. Right when she puts it on my chest. Oh, God.

They're like, how's his heartbeat? Actually, for some reason, all I could hear was the bold and beautiful theme song. What? The guy's so sweaty. He walks over there, but he slips on his way over. He's like, excuse me. She's like, listen for yourself. And at the same time, I have like headphones in this whole time i'm

not even like paying attention but there's just flowers all over that weird doctor bed god doctor listen for yourself he's like let me see it snatches it out of her hand ah Ruffles it puts it in his ears Jams it up to my chest outside of my shirt doesn't even go up my shirt because the the nurse's hand is a skeleton Jammed it puts it right on the front of my chest Right when it touches the cotton on my shirt. I'm just sitting there. The doctor's like, oh my God. The nurse is like, I told you. The doctor's like, oh my god.

The nurse is like, I told you! The doctor's like, no, no, no. This is way worse. His heartbeat is the same pattern as the young and the restless. Weekdays on CBS

at 11 a.m. Oh my god! Weekdays on CBS At 11am Oh my god The doctor starts crying I can't I don't know what to do What do you mean we have to do something The thing we have to do is we have to declare a state of emergency.

Oh my God! Yeah. Reach out to all the local news channels. We found the most romantic man in the world. All the nurses, no, everybody in the hospital that's like sick and like can't move, they all get up and leave. Everywhere I walk in the hospital, there's just roses that fall out of my pants behind me.

Oh my god. Everything's healed in the whole hospital, except for the nurse's hand is still a skeleton she's like i like it like that i swear to god oh my god okay what else anyway what else is going on what else should we talk about normal podcast so far no but seriously i had a doctor's appointment and they were like i hate how doc like how many normal podcast so far. No, but seriously, I had a doctor's appointment and they were like,

I hate how doc, like how many times do I have to tell them my date of birth? Literally leading up to this doctor's appointment, they called me 17 times and I, they asked me for my date of birth every single time. I was like, Oh my God. Like, I don't care. And it's not hard birth every single time. I was like, oh my God. Like, I don't care.

And it's not hard to say, but Jesus Christ. Like, okay. Right when I get there, date of birth. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Not even my name. And the lady talking so quiet. I was like, you work at a hospital? I can't even hear you.

We need to check your voice box. Date of birth. I was like, Jesus Christ at a hospital? I can't even hear you. We need to check your voice box. Date of birth? I was like, Jesus Christ, here we go again. Okay, then I wait in the waiting room for a while. By the way, it was the dirtiest waiting room. I was like, why is this hospital so roughed up? It wasn't dirty. It was just like, I'm not putting my hands on any of this.

The kitchen at the restaurant I work at literally cleaner than the hospital I was in. Right when they're like, Benedict! And I was like, oh wow, that was actually pretty quick. But it was only quick

because I was 30 minutes late. And I was 30 minutes late because why wouldn't I be to a doctor's appointment? So arrive at one o'clock, your appointment, probably 4.15 PM. So Benedict, and they took my weight and I was like, oh shit, I wasn't ready for that. But I stepped on, I wasn't bad. I was 197. I was like, okay, been that since fourth grade. Keep it rolling. They're like, oh, real quick. And I was like, oh, what? Can I have your date of birth? I was like, oh my God, you guys better be sending me a goddamn cheesecake on my birthday. Email it to me. God, give me a sash.

Can I walk around here in a sash? The amount of times you asked me for my birthday, man. You guys should give me an ice cream cake and a pizza party on the way out. Yeah, but it was cool. And then I had to like pee in a cup. I thankfully had to pee this time, so that was good. Usually they're like, oh, gonna need to you're gonna need a we're gonna need to get a urine sample like what am i what am i doing am i am i going to the moon what do you guys need all this for like yeah we need a a urine sample do you think you could and

i'm like oh wow i should have just poured a. I should have just poured a, seriously, I should have just poured an iced Americano in the pee cup. Eric, we got your results in, and you did, everything was fine. Everything was fine, but you did test positive for pumpkin spice latte. Oh, gosh. So what were you doing drinking all that? Oh. So, yeah, it went well doctor's visit went good there's something else i was gonna say oh oh oh one time i had to give a urine sample i hate the word urine more than p when i played for you indy we'd like get up and take drug tests all the time

because we were all on steroids no because yeah we looked like we were such like a steroid using team it was like 12 white guys from like the south deanery high school association on an NCAA team. No, but we always had to take drug tests, and we had to get up at, we had to do them at 7 a.m. So our athletic trainer was like, here's the key. Here's the key. Here it is, in front of the whole team. He was like, when you wake up, do not go to the bathroom.

Hold it. Hold it. Walk over to the training room. That's when you let it loose. You know, you always got to say something like kind of gross at the end. So the football guys are like, oh, we got to let it loose. But like, that's what we had to do. And of course, right when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and then halfway I was like,

oh yeah. And I had to stop it. You know, you got to stop it. You're I was like, Oh yeah. And I had to stop it. You know, you got to stop it. And you're like, Oh, that for like that three seconds, you're like, I think my bladder is going to explode. And so's my ass somehow. I think my ass is going to pop. Yeah. And for some reason I couldn't like the guy has to watch you pee when you're taking a drug test like that's just what he does he has to watch you pee because people really take steroids and then bring fake pee in and like do that so the guy like had to like watch but not watch like he'd be like looking but not looking because he didn't want to be weird but he still had to make sure you didn't have like a fake yeah a fake pepe so i like couldn't go for some reason because i kind of already like 75 percent

already went out so i was like and i couldn't i was like maybe i was like i'm not freaked out by you dude but i was just like i already kind of went just look just give me a second if you don't mind and he's like okay and he waited like one minute and then like I was like I think I think it is I think it is and he's like okay he's still kind of like a little too close too so I was like oh so weird but hold on it's it's it's almost there and he dude this is what he did he went up to the sink where you wash your hands and he started like trickling the water so to the faucet he was like Then I was like,

I was like, yeah, that's helping. Oh my god, I love you, sir. Then I was like, you know what? I think it's... I think we're almost there. Ah! it's, I think we're almost there. No, but I was like, is that warm water you're doing that with? And he was like, yes, sir. And I was like, it's filled up. He's like, thank you. See ya. Bye. Just walked out of there. Like nothing happened. It was like the most sexy moment of my life. Yeah, so this podcast is brought to you by the Church of Christ.

Remember, always talk about good things. Nothing crazy. Yeah, that was crazy. Okay, Nicki Minaj is nikki how long have we been doing this for like 40 minutes nikki minaj is pregnant wow wonder where can you even imagine her baby's name i don't even want to think about it. Can you imagine her baby's first words? Nikki, oh my God, what a cute baby. What were her first words? Really? Really?

Really? Really? Nikki? Nikki? Nikki? What's the craziest shit Nikki Minaj ever says? Hold on, it's probably in that same Trey Songz. This is Nicki Minaj's kids' first words. Nikki, oh my god, your baby is precious. What were its first... It's like E! News

is interviewing the baby. E! News is like, Nikki, oh my god, can your baby say something? It's three years old now. What can it say? She's like, put the mic up to his face. And right when the mic goes in front of the baby's mouth. We don't want to rock, rock, rock.

Could I get salt all around that rum, rum, rum, rum tray? I was like, yo, Trey, do you think you could buy me a bottle of rosé? Okay, let's get it now. Baby. In like some luxe-ass stroller. One more time. We didn't catch that. Our mics were off.

Technical difficulties. She's like, I'll say it again, girl. Rock, rocks, can I get salt all around that rum, rum, rum? Go ahead, baby. Can I get that chum? Can I get that rummy? Can I get that coke? Can I get that honey? Can I get that mug? If you don't want to rock, rock, rocks, can I get salt all around that rum, rum, rum, rum, tray? Go ahead, baby.

Would your baby like to drink anything or eat anything? Your baby looks kind of thirsty. Would they like anything to drink? She's like, oh, she can say it. Go ahead. It doesn't want a bottle of formula or anything? No, you heard her. This is what she wants. Okay.

I'll stop. Okay. Okay, can I get that coat? Can I get that, honey, can I get that? Okay, I'll stop. Okay, okay, let's get it now. I'm with a bad bitch. She with a bad bitch. I'm with a little baby. That's a little bad bitch. I want a sandwich. All right.

Kanye West was tweeting like crazy. Do we care? Not really. He's just having girl props. Who's not, you know? If you're not having girl problems, even if you don't even like girls, you're having girl problems. Even if you don't even have a girlfriend, guess what? Somehow you're having girl problems.

Trust me, baby. Even if you don't talk to girls, that's the biggest girl problem of all time. So, sorry. It's true though. All right. I put out that tweet that I was like, who's the most annoying?

And it was like, fishing guys, workout guys, or car guys? The answer is motorcycle guys. I just went outside for one second and... Like, okay. Okay. Okay. If you're a motorcycle person listening to this why why why why imagine the people that drive like eco-friendly priuses that are the complete opposite i wonder how they feel about

motorcycle people oh can you imagine worse than this no just their whole house when you go and when you go in a prius person's house it's just like pictures of motorcycles all over their walls with like hatchets thrown through them they're like and this is a living room and you're like oh my god you know what all right so we got we got a couple more most psycho thing your parents did. Why not? You know, let's just give it a shot. I haven't read through any of them.

So let's see. Man, there's a lot. This one's from Kat Closey. When I was in early elementary school, I'd go to the store with my mom. She would always ask me to go grab something or put something away for her. When I'd turn around, she'd be gone. Because I was a tiny tot, the workers would... Tiny tot, did you really need to say that?

Would take me to the front and call her over the loudspeaker. I'd get yelled at for allowing them to call the loudspeaker because it was embarrassing for her. Yeah. No, that's not psycho. My mom would be like, if you ever. It was actually my dream to get called over the PA system at a store. Like, I was jealous of the kids that did. Remember that?

When someone was like, Ryan to the front, please. I'd be like, damn. My mom just made me suffer. Find me. That was the game. Every time I walked into a grocery store, it was like, doot, doot, doot. Find me. Doot.

Just the whole time. I'd just be looking down every aisle. Mom. I remember I got a Lunchable one time. I'd always like get stuff I wanted and try to slip it in my mom's car without her knowing but she always knew she'd be like this seems heavier why'd you put that Velveeta macaroni and cheese in here but one time I got a lunchable and I like held it up in the air like and she like she was right her cart right there. And I like placed in the cart and I

was like, mom. And it was some completely different lady. She's like, wrong mom. I'll never forget that. Wrong mom. I was like, oh, and then I think I didn't even try it with my mom after that. I just put it back in like random. I was like, no, I'm not. I lost my entire appetite. Okay. I lost my entire appetite. Okay. This next one is from E. Bailey. 8620, if you really want to know. Not my parents, but a nanny.

This sounds like it's going to be psychotic. She would make us play outside in the backyard for three hours while she napped and wouldn't let us into pee, so we had to pee behind the playscape. The words you guys use. Playscape? That is kind of weird, though. It seems like every nanny, who calls anybody a nanny? I guess if you're over the age of 30, you're a nanny. But even then, I'd be like, call me a babysitter,

so you guys don't make a horror movie out of this. But it seemed like every single babysitter I ever had was just on the phone the whole time they're at our house. But I was like, whatever. I'm not telling as long as you let me play with my stupid Buzz Lightyear toy for like three more hours. Okay. Next one. BR Womples. My sister and I were blind without our glasses so sometimes as a prank my mom would fill a bucket with ice cold water dump it on us while we were taking a shower getting ready for school then cackle i hate the word cackle and turn off the lights there were no windows so we literally couldn't see to finish the shower or get out of the shower you guys were blind as shit if anyone puts on your glasses like anyone that has good vision puts on your glasses

they're like you're blind and you're like it's my vision's not even that bad you just you have nothing else to say you're so you're blind like no i'm like I barely need glasses and my glasses are like thicker than like ice on a lake like I am not that blind but yeah that's pretty no that's actually kind of cool seems dangerous

honestly too long too long Joe's sale somehow a muskrat got into our house one time and it gnawed on a big house plant what who are you guys my dad immediately blamed us kids yeah every dad why are you kids chewing on the plants we found the muskrat the next day my dad never said anything more about it why is every dad like that damn every time anything happens in the house that like i had nothing to do with he's like hey every time you come over here something wrong happens what the hell happened to the shower

head they're spraying water everywhere i'm like i haven't even looked at your bathroom for seven years. He's like, well, how come everything starts happening when you come over? Okay. Not that that just happened or anything. And yeah, it was my fault. Jack Sasma. Dad wouldn't let me leave the dinner table for three hours because I wouldn't finish the shepherd's pie my mom made me. I'm so sad. Are you guys using these terms on purpose shepherd's pie what the hell is shepherd's pie that sounds like like one of those like dirty like sex moves you do you know not you do but like

you know of my mom wouldn't let me finish the philadelphia bow tie shepherd's pie shepherd's pie cottage pie ground meat pie crust topping mashed potato english origin ew dude it's probably because he didn't want to eat it the next day at work finish it god damn it finish it now i don't want this shit laying around in my lunchbox tomorrow at the office alright Meg Mulv I called my dad a d-bag

at the dinner table when I was around 15 wow big mistake and he threw an entire glass of full milk at me good times I just can't like if my daughter called me a D-bag at the table, I would have had to deserve it. Because it seems like 15-year-old daughters are smarter than, like,

50-year-old dads, honestly. But he had to do something to deserve that. Can you imagine doing that to a 15-year-old girl? Like, she wouldn't talk to you for the rest of your life. Alyssa Lou, I got grounded for brushing my teeth too loud in the morning when my mom was still asleep. Crazy woman.

People do brush their teeth loud. My sister, oh my God. I'm like, who installed the car wash upstairs? I swear to God, my sister only brushes the sides of her teeth. I've never ever in my entire life seen her brush the front of her mouth. Always like... I get that. My mom didn't even used to set an alarm in the morning because I'd wake up whenever she needed to get up. I'd already be awake and I'd be brushing my teeth. I don't know why I started this or how, but I always brush my tongue.

I think I read... Oh, actually, you know what it is? I was breaking up with this girl. I don't know if anyone's ever done this, but I was breaking up with this girl and I don't know if anyone's ever done this, but I was breaking up with this girl and we were in my car and she was like, what don't you like about me? Why do you want to break up with me? And I was like, I was like, you really want me to say it? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, well, I'm doing it. So like, I'm saying it. I said something that I didn't like about her. That was straight up true. And she was like, i'm doing it so like i'm saying it i said something that i didn't like about her that was straight up true and she was like i could tell she was like holy shit you were being serious and

then she just started whipping them back at me and we just went back and forth with shit we didn't like about each other and one time i swear to god one thing she said like near the end she goes okay your breath smells i was like oh fuck i was like what like i don't care like it's because i don't care anymore that's why it does because i don't care about you anymore i stopped brushing my teeth before i came over so i was like whatever and she like left she like got out of the car and then I was like no I didn't peel off that'd be the biggest bitch move I probably like went the wrong way though and like hit a mailbox I was like whatever talk to you tomorrow nah but then like I went home and I was like who

even cares what she says but definitely looked up ways to stop bad breath. And number one on the list was brushing your tongue. So ever since that, in the morning, I'd be like, every morning, every morning since I was 17. My mom didn't even need to set an alarm. She'd just be like, okay, time to get up. That's enough of that shit. Time to get up. That was like her rooster.

Yeah, we live out in the country. We don't set alarms. We just wake up when our son... This is the most fried hour of my life. All right, so that was good. Liz hammered. My dad got mad at me, so he snatched the book I was reading while I was reading it and

threw it into the fireplace while the fire was on. That's so funny. I don't think that's psycho. I think that's just like a dad. That's just straight up like, dude, dads are obsessed with fires. Dads and fires. Like, is there anything

else dads like besides the song We Didn't start the fire by Billy Joel. That plays in every dad's head too. I'm not going to play the song. I'm not going to play this song. Right. Every time a dad wakes up on Sunday morning, this is what they're, close their eyes, they're they hear this, and then this, they open their eyes

They're not sleeping by your mom, obviously, they're on the couch downstairs and they whip off the little throw blanket that your mom puts on there that barely covers half your body. They're like... Hair's all messed up. They have tears running down your face. You ever look at your dad in the morning and he's been yawning and stuff and his face is kind of wet. You're like, were you crying? They're like, no, I was just tired.

That's on his face. He's like. Who's playing today? Get some newspaper out. Kiddos! They're like, Dad, we've been up for seven hours. It's noon. Oh, yeah, that's right.

And the mom's like, what the hell are you doing here? Rum and Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray, South Pacific, Walter Wichelt, Joe DiMaggio, John McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Maryland, Monroe. Weird sweats on, long shirt. What do you mean? You haven't stayed at our house for two years. The most copyrighted podcast in the world. He gets hit for seven copyrights every time he puts it on YouTube.

World. All right, we done with those? Yeah, let's do, uh... I don't really want to read anymore. This is from John Spiro5 5 my mom told me if I stare at the other people in public they have the right to shoot me god I want to see these parents so bad just picture their faces like smiling on linkedin like after you read something like that my dad threw a book I was reading in the fireplace, his LinkedIn profile. He's like, how are you doing? Like perfect guy. They have the right to shoot you. They pretty much do.

Someone's staring at me. I'm like, um, either you're going to kill me or I'm going to kill you. This is how this is going to end. That's funny. Jen, the ging wasn't allowed to watch harry potter or pokemon i was kind of bad my parent that's pokemon's under my parents like it didn't have to be a bad show they just didn't want me to watch it like i couldn't watch like what was something that was like my dad didn't want us to watch the simpsons ever every time he came home and it was on he's like yeah god yeah wheel in the keg i'd be like it's this it's on fox 59 local wheel in the keg every time i leave all hell breaks loose what happened to my shower head anyway no that was one show we couldn't watch that's kind of understandable though because they like

drink beer and shit and burp that's probably why my dad didn't like it they burp on this my cousins were bad with it though my cousin like my aunt and uncle are so cool now but like when we were younger they didn't let my cousins watch Doug Doug that show that's crazy but it was probably because my aunt like didn't like the show like she just didn't like like the way the characters looked like you know like my mom wouldn't let me watch uh like Rocco's Modern Life because she was like this is stupid like I don't care if it's good Life because she was like this is stupid like I don't care if it's good or bad she was like this just looks dumb I don't want you to watch it and I'd be like why but it did look stupid or like ah real monsters remember that show whatever show it was

with like the guy that would like hold up his two eyeballs my mom was like that's dumb no i was like okay all right let's do uh let's do viral viral hashtag the center of my universe is the center of my universe the center of my universe is unsubscribing from emails it takes so long to unsubscribe I just tried to unsubscribe from CVS the other day literally took me seven minutes I was like what do I have to do they make it so hard you have to like read stuff I'm like ah just no just don't want it just don't care but I did because I was like, there's no way you're tricking me out of this one. It would take me a whole day to do all of them. But I love that goddamn feeling.

We love to see you stick around. I'm like, go to hell. Hashtag my pandemic pastimes. That's sad. Not going anywhere. Man man wasn't that great where you could just be like sorry if someone asked you anything you'd be like hell no oops my pandemic frozen pizzas dude i was housing frozen pizzas 3 p..m. The preheat sound. I was like, whoopsie daisies. Hashtag office magic tricks. Office magic tricks. What did I do in the office that was magic? Man, me working in an office job, what a nightmare for everyone.

Actually, my office magic trick was just not talking to anyone for seven hours straight. I swear to God, people had to be like, like I had an office job and then I left and the next week I was like putting out stupid videos on the internet. They were probably like, this guy would have killed all of us if he stayed in for one more week but no i was the king right when i got to work headphones immediately right when i sat down in my chair headphones didn't say a word ew that's gross just hunched over for seven hours. I would literally get to work at 5 a.m. because our place I worked was like, you have to be here for eight hours a day. Doesn't matter when. Just come here, eight hours a day, get your work done. Everybody was like, okay, yeah, who's really gonna, you know. The guy was like, yeah, you can come into work from midnight to 8 a.m if you want and i was honestly like i might do that every single time

just because i wanted to be there when like no one else was there i don't know why i would go into work at 5 a.m and work until like 2 p.m. And one time, like there's, there'd be like two other dudes that did it too. And we just all were on the same game plan. Like we wouldn't talk to each other, but we all knew we were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're here to like get shit done. And I'd be so hungry when I got to work. I'd eat like, you know, when you're, when you're pissed off at work or like, you don't want to be somewhere or you don't want to do something and you just start eating like out of like bad habit.

I just did that before this podcast. Honestly, I went to whole foods and had like two pinto bean empanadas for no reason. Cause I was like, I don't want to do this, but I used to do that before work. Like I thought I was all by myself and this dude came in like the little break room where I was eating my lunch at 5am and he was like was like wow you must be really hungry if you're eating a can of chili at 5 30 a.m. I was like yeah oh my god I'm just saving it for some I'm just getting ready and he's like all right have a good one and I just like licked the tin lid and threw it away and did eat all the chili like in five seconds man I got a bad habit of doing that yeah hashtag just being myself hashtag just being myself

and pretending I haven't worn the same pair of black shorts every day for the last 95 days every time you can wear shorts the past two years every day that it's like shorts yeah that's okay it's hot enough everybody else

is wearing shorts you can wear shorts today. I've worn the same exact pair every day for the last two years. I don't know what to tell you. I can't find another pair I like. They're good. Actually, I don't even like them, honestly. They're just like, yeah. Yep.

I like the way they look. The fit? Absolutely can't stand it. All right. Hasht hashtag makes a good team makes a good team uh coffee and being by yourself seriously though sometimes coffee and other people i'm like this isn't what it should be 90 of the time I'm drinking coffee. I'm completely by myself with no plans of seeing anyone for the next seven hours.

If I ever get coffee with somebody else, it's not the same as me getting coffee by myself. The coffee's different. You know, when you're by yourself drinking coffee, you're like, oh my God. Oh my God. I'm the president of the United States of America. Fuck with me. And when you're with somebody else, you're like, I don't know. It's okay. I don't think, I think it's like light or something.

And they're like, yeah, it's pretty good. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you're like oh i'm never getting that like when you split off from him after like three hour trek i'm never getting that coffee again then the next day you get the same thing by yourself and you're like, I'm back, motherfucker. You thought you could fool me? I'm right here. Oh, God.

Throw anything at me. I'm swinging, baby. Yeah, but I guess I guess that's what makes a good team coffee and room by yourself you guys have to think I'm seriously psycho I am

alright hashtag fake homeschool facts I was always so jealous of people being homeschooled growing up weren't you though like weren't you like damn like whenever when you heard of how mind-blowing was that when you're like in real school and somebody brought up for the first time people being homeschooled you're what excuse me yeah yeah my friend Ashley she lives in my neighborhood she's home school what she literally does the same thing as us at school every day only she does it in her bedroom with her mom there I was like wait what what she what she does school at home.

She doesn't have to see anyone. She doesn't have to get in trouble. She doesn't have to talk to any teachers. She does it all in her bed while she watches TV. Wait. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

I talk to her every day. I play with her after school every day. We do the same math problems. And she even plays sports for the other schools. Oh my god! That seems amazing. Hashtag ways I pamper myself. I pamper myself 18 out of the 24 hours a day.

I swear to God. The other six hours are of the 24. I'm sleeping. I just wake up and I'm a little pamper ass baby. I take so many breaks, man. It's unbelievable. It's the only way I can do anything is taking a break. Remember they told us that growing up, I always had teachers that would be like, you have homework tonight? Do 30 minutes of homework. Watch 30 minutes of TV,

30 minutes of homework. Rest your brain. Take care of yourself. I'd be like, yeah, that makes it sound good. Yeah, I can do that. And I get home. My mom would be like, why is the TV on? My teacher said, that's a lie. Get back to the table and do your math. I'd be like, oh, okay. I just want to take care of myself. No, you get your work done. Can you help me with this? Then she'd come over and put her wet hands all over my paper,

and I'd be like, I don't know if I can do this anymore. And then I'd get a 17 out of 50 on the homework. Remember the worksheets? Okay, last thing. Remember the math worksheets that you couldn't erase stuff on? Did anybody have those workbooks? The paper wasn't paper. It was like the most recycled material paper of all time. And I was like, I can't erase this seven.

Like, I'm trying to... On this math assignment, you know how many mistakes I'm going to make? And I can't erase? It's going to be a long year mrs collins no problem i'll have it done let's see days wednesday national hammock day god God, hammocks. What a love trap. Jesus Christ. Imagine. Made for couples.

Hammocks? Hammocks are like low-key, like a PG version of a hot tub. You ever like with your cousin in a hammock and like next thing you know, you're like in love? I swear to God, dude. Every time I've ever been in a hammock, I'm like, your eyes look different. Hammocks are a trap. Hammocks are weird. Anytime I'm outside sitting somewhere, I'm like expect to get a trap. Hammocks are weird. Anytime I'm outside sitting somewhere

I'm like expect to get a tan. And in a hammock you'd get like a you'd get like a rope tan. It's like my biggest concern ever. If I'm outside I wanna burn. National Rat Catchers Day.

I don't think we ever had a rat in our house growing up we definitely had a couple mice though how come rat traps were like the number one thing in cartoons do you remember that it was like the number one like violent thing was like why were there so many mouse traps in cartoons and it would just snap the shit out of their fingers and they'd be the fingers would be like pulsing after there'd always be somebody walking through like a kitchen full of mousetrap we never put cheese on our mousetraps when we had a mouse we had a mouse like twice i don't want you guys to think i had like 30 mice in my house each month one for each day but literally i swear to god we had a mice in my house each month. One for each day. But literally, I swear to God, we had a mouse in our house one time.

My dad was like, want to see the trap? And I was like, yeah! So I ran to the laundry room like all excited because he like made me excited for it. And like right when I turned the corner, he was like, get back! I was like, oh my God, I thought we were going to see them. them like i was happy and we like looked at it behind like a shelf or something and i swear to god what was on the mousetrap was a saltine cracker with peanut butter on it i was like have you ever watched tom and jerry i don't watch crap like that well i, I do. When you're not home. All right.

National hot dog day. God, I brought a tray of food at the restaurant I work at the other day. And, like, my head was right by it, you know. When you're bringing up a big tray of food, like, you got to do that waiter carry. It's, like, up by your, like, cheekbone. The whole tray, for some reason, to me, smelled exactly like hot dogs. And it was like 100% the complete opposite food of hot dogs. It happened to me another time. One time I got a sub from Subway, wheat bread, turkey, lettuce, tomato, banana peppers, regular mustard, cut in four,

regular mustard cut in four wrapped up in the bag took it out of the bag smelled exactly like a foot-long hot dog i was like still gonna eat it but seriously it did and i was like i don't know what's happening but got no choice thursday gorgeous grandma day that's flattering. You ever seen a gorgeous grandma? I've seen one. I mean, no, I haven't really. National Vanilla Ice Cream Day. That's my shit right there.

Vanilla ice cream, straight up, plain. Ain't no way around it. Can't mess it up. I do but i shouldn't every time i have a cup i just want a cup of vanilla ice cream please that's what i want to say at the window of every ice cream shop i've ever been to since like maybe i was 22 22 yeah i just every time i want ice cream i just want to go to the ice cream window and say can i please have a medium cup of vanilla ice cream but every time i get to the window i go reese's hot fudge blizzard oreo and they're like okay sounds good sir and i'm like why did he get can never do it i just want a vanilla cup ice

cream can never do it imagine if you did that with like a group of friends though like they're all getting like the craziest shit and you're like a vanilla cup ice cream please they'd be like when he goes to the bathroom let's all leave friday national thermal engineer day huh what remember a bill nye science guy they'd always do Friday. National Thermal Engineer Day. Huh? What? Remember in Bill Nye the Science Guy, they'd always do that? Bill Nye the Science Guy was the best show on TV of all time. Said it.

Educational show, best show of all time, Bill Nye the Science Guy. It was like a treat when you got to watch it in school. Remember that? You're like, are we really? No. They're like, yeah, yeah yeah she just said it no but they always had those little sound effects like bill and i would explain something crazy with like blowing up a balloon and steam would be like and he'd be like and that's where they

will when the chemicals in a row and then y equals mx plus b in a slow with the wall and that's why your voice changes very high when you suck in the helium of a balloon and he'd look at the screen and like the background like voiceover guy would be like what i never cut the different scene i'd be like exactly who knows what the hell he's talking about but yeah that show's okay. National Tequila Day. Hmm. Wow. Tequila is liquid drugs. We all know.

I hate to talk about drinking, but I do every other time. And, Jesus Christ, I have one shot of tequila, and I'm like, quirky Romano all of a sudden. Seriously, though.

National Drive-Thru Day. Man, I'll just never... Every time I hear the word drive-thru, I'll just always remember when we were just packed in my mom's red Jeep going to McDonald's. Best time of our lives. Listening to X-103 not that I'm nostalgic

but turning the corner got the order hot, we're ready, we're good our mom just rolling with it we got this my mom pulls up what do you guys want?

everybody knows the passenger seat goes first uh i'll take a no no my sister goes this is like her go-to at mcdonald's when we were kids she's like can i get the 12 piece chicken nuggets with honey well i was like yeah turns to order but turns and starts talking to the trash can like literally like going in i'll take one 12 piece chick chicken nugget with honey ben what do you want i'm like we're like mom that's the trash can and like the flaps like still blowing in the wind kind of and she's like I'll take one. National Cousins Day. Man, if I didn't have cousins, what would I be doing? It's funny that your cousins are like your first best friends.

Because you're just like, damn, you guys do all the same shit I do, only you're from a different town? Wait. Your cousins are like a different dimension of you. But it really is. It really is crazy how your cousins are like a different dimension of you but it really is it really is crazy how your cousin like when you're a kid your cousins are like you're like oh my cousins but when you're a kid all you think about is just having fun all day and like holidays and like like just doing stuff you're like my cousins it still is like that low-key like for holidays oh god damn man because you're like if you're like because you're like you know like you don't have to get on base with your cousins you know like if you haven't seen your friend for a while that's like

your good friend you're like i wonder if like how we're gonna get back up to speed when you meet up with your cousins on that holiday like they'll say something you'll be like holy shit we're going to get back up to speed. When you meet up with your cousins on that holiday, like they'll say something and you'll be like, holy shit, we're out the gate. No, no warm up. The first thing is like you die laughing. I love that. National Amelia Earhart Day.

I'm kind of sick of this bitch, you know. I've been hearing so much about her. She disappeared. I'm done with her. How about that? Right? Are we all on the same page with Amelia Earhart? I'm done. Saturday, National Merry-Go-Round Day. How terrifying is an actual

merry-go-round? You ever see a merry-go-round at night? You're like, bye. Walk in the other way. Ew, merry-go merry grounds during the day imagining a kid on a merry ground even worse dad i want to go on that i'd be like why the hell do you that's lame and weird and no gonna have nightmares national day the cowboy I know I'm not the only one that thinks like Dallas Texas is just dust and horses and like saloon doors on every building I know it

even even if I've been there and spent two years there, I'd still be like, do they do quick draws out in front of this bar? Sunday. National Bagel Fest Day. Man, what is it about a damn everything bagel? man what is it about a damn everything bagel that's become my favorite bagel it always was but i was like i don't know if i'm allowed to get that you know when you're a kid like my mom would get it like one out of every like seven times i'd be like that shit smells so good but i was like i don't know is that like that's not like a kid bagel i never got it and i was always like intimidated by them because i was like that's not like a kid bagel i never got it and i was always like intimidated by them because i was like that's so much shit but you can cut my right leg off for everything bagel just i'm a

secret service slut for whatever the onions i don't know what's on that but like if you smelled four bagels and one of them was everything you'd'd be like, holy shit, that one is so tight. What is that one? Oh my god, what is... Oh god, that one's definitely the best one. Those other ones, I don't know what... They seem okay, but... Like, are you kidding me? Oh yeah, I definitely want that one. National Coffee Milkshake Day? That's a little too much.

Like, I do like the... What's it called from Chick-fil-A? It's like a... It's called something sexy at Chick-fil-A. Joey's dad always talks about him, and he makes him sound so good just by talking about him He's like, yeah, have you tried to i'm trying to use his voice to think of the name of it Oh

Yeah, you know you should try The frosted coffee i'm like what is that? That's but like you have to really not want coffee by itself and really not want a milkshake by itself to get that You know I'd rather have a coffee in my left hand and a milkshake in my right hand than have the frosted coffee honestly but i did try it one time and it was fire kind of reminded me of that jamocha shake at arby's remember the first time you got that and you're like here mom i don't want i don't want this

anymore and your mom's like oh my god give me all that right now put that in my goddamn mouth but like don't get too cute with coffee you know just drink the coffee just coffee just coffee i hate when people at work get like frappuccinos you're like what is this your birthday like get get coffee or just quit your job and go to Dairy Queen because we're not doing we're not having a party here work is work a frappuccino at work what do you think this is what'd you do win service salesman of the decade even if I did I'd be like I don't want a frappuccino right now I'm at work I don't want to enjoy something at work I want to kill here. I'll drink it right when I walk out the door. That's when I want the Frappuccino.

National Parents Day. Jesus Christ. Don't parents have enough days? No offense, but Jesus. Mother's Day, Father's Day, my birthday. Jesus. Mother's day, father's day, my birthday. Parents don't care about any of those days. Doesn't it seem like that? Has any mom or dad ever been like super hype for mothers or father's day? They're always like, yeah, I just, yeah, sure. I've never met any mom or dad that's like, mother's day. What are we doing? Dad's especially on their birthdays, every holiday. Wow. dads especially on their birthdays every holiday wow my dad's like don't speak of it okay dude even when we try to give my dad a present on christmas he's like i'll open it tomorrow you kids go we're like open the god we like turn into like secret agents we're like all pointing like glock 40s at his head right open the goddamn present it's like a it's like an interrogation table he's like are you are you sure and we're like

we don't even say anything just all the guns he's like okay all right well that's shot 116 so remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and Cameo. Get a Cameo if you're bored, you know? Give a shout out to somebody. I'll hook it up. And thanks for listening like always. I love it. I love it when you guys are like, man, I actually listened to your podcast and it's so relatable.

I'm like, you don't know how much I love when you guys are like, man, I actually listen to your podcast and it's so like relatable. I'm like, you don't know how much I love you now. Seriously, if someone says they listen to my podcast, like I'm head over heels. Don't care who you are. But yeah, it means a lot, honestly, because i'm just i'm just whipping to work up here and it's cool that you guys get down that's what that's what it's all about and before i start crying no um thanks for uh reaching out on social media too like with everything like I posted that picture of me like with a goatee which was which was come on

I would die laughing at those comments got fired from GNC and AutoZone the same day me with a goatee seriously though nah but like all that stuff all that interaction on social media

I love that thank you so much and yeah I'll talk to you guys next week I fam

yeah it's Mr. Stilio girl it's Mr. Still Your Girl It's Mr. Still Your Girl Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl Let go Bottoms up, bottoms up