Espresso - BEST OF ESPRESSO things you should be evicted for

Episode Date: August 10, 2023

On this BEST OF ESPRESSO episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what are the things you should be evicted for? (like bringing home a STOP SIGN) then Ben realized girls destroy more stuff than guys and reveals he is accepting applications for his love life (by sending photos of your toes)🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Best of Espresso. You ready? What's up, fam? It's Espresso Podcast with your host, Benedict Polizzi. It's shot 2.31. And it's late night, Espresso. What's that mean? Baby girls and boys?

It means it's way past my damn bedtime, and everything's kind of scary in the studio I'm in. So, yeah, I might get scared like 17 times, but we're just going to rip through this thing. Hey, remember to go to benedictmerch.com for who's buying this stuff. We got Indiana Land stuff, espresso, hats, shirts,

and some polite catcalling right here. I like this one the best. Steal your boy. Damn, girl, you look like you return all your boyfriend's hoodies. Because that is definitely a thing. Yeah, get all your merch at benedictmerch.com

and remember to join the Patreon for $5 every month for an extra episode every week. God, I think my voice sounds so good right now and you can definitely tell. But okay, let's just get cracking The espresso, cool, cool, cool, cool

We haven't done this in a while It's OG Spress It's not really a FBoy Island theme this time Which kind of makes me sad Because we had a run going But yeah, we're just going to go old school classic expressy style. And the espresso quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week is what's the thing you did in your apartment that you should have been evicted for? Like I was saying, for me, it's when I, dude, this is so wild. Uh, okay. I updated my apartment. I

can't stop talking about it. So let me know if I go too far. No, but seriously, I, it's all I talk about and think about, but I, I got new fans cause my fan looked like it was from, it was an antique from your great grandmother's house who served Platoon 6 at the Civil War. Dude, it was just fucked. And I got a new fan, and I threw that entire fan down my trash chute. I live on the sixth floor. That bitch was fucking hitting every wall in sight.

Just thought I saw something that scared the shit out of me and we're just going to keep going. But yeah, and I've honestly done that with a half gallon glass bottle of vodka. Sixth floor, down the trash chute. And what happened? Somebody from the third floor opened their trash chute and the whole thing broke right there.

And I heard him go hold on and i ran back to my apartment and locked the door and stayed in there for 15 minutes to make sure no one was like like walking the hallways looking for the culprit uh what other dude this okay i'm not gonna say that one i'll say it on the patreon if you want okay so yeah i have to say it now so uh this guy i was going in the elevator and it was like my first time like it was the first year i lived in my apartment this dude's like knocking on the door and i'm like what the fuck I'm like oh I think I recognize that guy I let him in right when I let him in I was like fuck so he goes to like this random floor I'm like all right bro dude like 10 minutes later there's like seven cop cars outside my apartment

I'm like oh my god that guy just killed somebody. I'm hot, dude. I'm like, they got security footage. I let them in. Bro, there's so many cops in our apartment. I rode the elevator with, I staked out in my apartment. I just stayed there for a long time because I was like, oh my God, I'm under arrest.

I went outside and went in the elevator with the policemen just to make sure nothing happened. They were like, how's it going? It's going good? All right, good. Thank God he didn't kill anybody. I don't know what happened. I don't want to know what happened, but yeah. But those are my little

apartment scandals. Probably stuff worse than that that I don't even remember. Whoops. But let's, uh, let's get into some of these voice messages. God, I feel like I think I sound so much better than I actually do right now. See, I got like that. I got like that cracky voice. Yeah. All right, here we go from anonymous. What's the thing you did in your apartment that you should have been evicted for? So when we were in college about like 10 years ago, we lived on top of this like cafe or restaurant, this Mediterranean place owned by our landlord, who just like really was judgmental towards us and couldn't really stand us. I don't know. So we weren't supposed to have pets there, but we kept a dog there all year and we just like hit him in our purse or would put music on so you can't hear him, anything like that. And also we would make sure that anytime people were going to

the restaurant or the cafe or trying to go in front of it or whatever we would just kind of like diss it and talk about how bad it is um well i guess now that i'm saying this out loud it's not really entertaining at all so maybe this is not good for the podcast but anyway that was the story props for battling through that thing that's what should happen props for battling through that thing. That's what should happen. Every time you realize you're telling a bad story, that's what should happen. Normalize.

I hate it when people say normalize, but normalize admitting that you're telling a bad story. Just 13 seconds in. Hey, I'm going to, I'm just going to, and the penalty for telling a bad story, the people that are, that had to listen to you for those 13 busted ass seconds of your story get to shush you, but they really get to put your, their finger on your lips like this.

Hey guys, this is just a really bad. this is just a really bad that's what they all get to do for your penalty oh bro I'd be out I'd be out here listening to everybody's stories nope not good you ever shush somebody most disrespectful shit of all time wow Here's somebody most disrespectful shit of all time.

Wow. So you snuck a dog in. That's bold. No, I'm just kidding. Here we go. So like I killed 16, 17 dudes in my apartment, told everybody it was rotting pork chops that my family sent me and they always complained about the smell coming through the vent and then I said it was my dad goldfish

and like wait that's Jeffrey Dahmer shit I'm gonna be him for Halloween you killed 16 or 17 people 16 or 17 guys hey you want to make it 18 especially if pork chops are involved though did i hear pork chops in that i don't even know if i've ever had pork chops but uh they sound intimidating

yeah i've had i've probably i've probably had them on accident because I thought it was like a hamburger or some shit. Yeah. Just keep going. The one thing I should have been evicted for was when I was younger. My upstairs neighbor was like really hot. So every time I would walk out of my front door, I would always say, Hey, Daddy, let's play. And his mom left a note on my door and it stopped. His mom? How old were you? How old was the guy? Why did he live with his mom you shouldn't have been evicted

girly you should have gone to prison kid was probably 13 hey daddy let's play i need that as a sound biteite from now on Would Ollie say Hey daddy Let's play And his mom left a note on my door Dude are you And it stopped You're wild

You're wild Are you trying to seduce him Are you trying to Are you trying to get sexy with him Or was that a horror Dude if I heard Hey If I heard this in the middle of the night. Would Ollie say, hey, daddy, let's play. If I heard that in the middle of the night, I would evict myself.

See ya. Burn the whole building down. I'm terrified right now. Not because of that voice message, but because it's midnight and I think this building's haunted. Let's keep going. So it's not something that I did and almost got evicted for.

This is a story about my neighbors. Years ago in an apartment complex, they were running a full-on brothel. And it was like every morning when I went to work. In an apartment? It was super early. And still at that time of day, there was a guy leaving their apartment. And there was a guy going into their apartment.

Studio apartment. Just open floor plan. It was never the same face. So yeah, they were running a brothel turns out the cops got called on them they were evicted for it but yeah they they were running a full-on brothel right next door thin walls man taha fuck wow i didn't expect a taha fuck after that one but that's what they were doing what the apartment sound a taha fuck after that one, but that's what they were doing. What did the apartment sound like? Taha fuck.

Wow. I think the neighbors know my name. Who sings that? I think the neighbors know my name. When you're having a brothel, I know the neighbors know my name. When different strangers are going to your neighbor's apartment i think the neighbors know my name hey bro brothel next door in the apartment complex grind don't stop

you gotta do what you gotta do side hustle how do you like make money uh uber and brothel oh is that an app uh yeah app apartment this guy no but that's wild and they just live there imagine if somebody came up to him and like you know how like some people would go into an apartment and trick-or-treat have you guys ever heard of shit like that what if they did that to them trick-or-treat just a bull a a bull a nut rages oh god oh shit Oh, shit. Yeah, that's wild.

That's a good one. Brothel next door. Let's keep going. This is more the story of a girl who had already been evicted, but in retaliation to that, she stapled Ziploc bags filled with raw chicken behind the furniture that they couldn't find, so she hoped it would smell bad. I just wish I had the balls to do something like that.

It takes too much time to get mad like that. You got to buy chicken. You got to buy Ziploc bags. I mean, I guess if you just had a bunch of raw chicken laying around, you should be evicted anyway. Dude, the Italian in me won't let me waste food like that. Dude, staple chicken Ziploc bags in your apartment. Nah, we can chop that up and make some leftovers later at least put some italian dressing in the bags and let the chicken marinate now we just now we can have we can have company over

what a lucky guy that moves into that apartment. Just got marinated chicken for three days. Had the family over. Ah, wow. Yeah, dude. Uh, this one dude I used to play football with.

He, uh, they like, this is one of those. Let's see. I could never do this cause I'm a bitch, but I guess he, he was on spring break or something and the condo he was in kicked him out.

He had like four more days and they just kicked him out and he put three pizzas in the oven and just cranked it and never set a timer and just dipped out. God, I feel... That's just like... I just couldn't do that. And I'm a thousand percent always hungry. So they'd be in there for 25 minutes and your friends would be like, let that shit burn, bro. Fuck them. I'd go in there and start cutting it up and eating that shit. Want

me to cut a party style or a triangle for 18. Just keep going. Or triangles Four or eighteen Let's keep going Hey Benedict Quick question Do you know who Kelly Oubre is Cutest motherfucker in the NBA Are you six This can't be for this podcast

But it is somehow This person's six Hey Benedict Quick question This can't be for this podcast, but it is somehow. This person's six. Hey, Benedict. Quick question. This is literally my cousin talking to me at Thanksgiving. Do you know who Kelly Oubre is? Cutest motherfucker in the NBA.

Cutest motherfucker in the NBA. Actually, I do know who Kelly Oubre is. Because TikTok's obsessed with him. He wore that Supreme shooting sleeve. Shooting sleeve. Supreme shooter sleeve. And they like had to ban all like Supreme shit in the NBA after that.

Cutest motherfucking NBA. So stupid. So did he get evicted or I think the name is no my motherfucking name let's keep going okay so this was like within the first week pretty much so first like when we first moved in we punched a hole into the ceiling with our couch and we made a hole in the wall and then uh we also moving couches light down from the ceiling and then said that it was their fault and that

they were the ones who um installed it incorrectly and then my cat tore a hole through the door and we also got a cat did you have a cougar and then he also tore off the paint and the primer of another door your cat was a jungle leopard dude see people think guys destroy stuff girls fuck shit up and like the thing is like a guy will put a put a hole in the wall he'll fix the hole a girl put a hole in the wall and then convince the apartment complex that it's their fault. Dude, girl. Like a guy leaves a fucking cup of water out and girls freak out. And then a girl just leaves a nest of her hair in the corner of the shower for two months. And you're like, what?

And she's like, it's just nothing. Jesus, dude. Dude, it's just nothing. Jesus, dude. Dude, girls have mind control on lock. Girls are black cats. Girls are black cats. Welcome to my TED Talk. Hey, Benedict. How are you?

Watch you on F. Boy Island. I'm fromPoint Island. I'm from Long Island. And I'm interested in your love life right now and where you stand with Luis. Is that her husband? So many different characters in this voice message. Listen to the baby in the beginning. Maybe it's her baby. I don't know.

Maybe that's her husband. Hey, Benedict. How are you? Watch you on F-Point Island. The baby said hi. I'm from Long Island. Husband at the end. And where you stand with Louise.

It's definitely on TV, but we're going to keep pretending it's her husband. Where I stand with Louise, we're cool. We're not together but we cool. Everybody from the show is cool. My love life right now, I'm accepting applications

and when I say I'm accepting applications, I really mean, uh, pictures of your big toe. No, unless you want to. Yeah. Send them to, uh,

three one seven four two Oh six nine six nine. Ha ha ha ha. Fuck. That's one 800. Ha ha. Fuck that again. It-800-THA-HA-HA-FUCK yeah all right got blackout drunk lost my keys had to kick my door in told them someone tried to break in. They replaced it. No questions asked. Well, all right. Nevermind. Nevermind girls convincing

the apartment complex. That's their fault. We got the homies doing it too. We're all pieces of shit. Uh, man, I wish I could do that. That's like the skill I wish I had. If I could do one thing. If I had one wish, it would to be kicked down a door and convince my apartment that it was their fault, not mine. Bro, no way I could ever kick down a door,

go up to somebody face to face and be like this was not me I look like I just kick down the door all the time I have strong dog running through door energy that's me just blowing through doors you ever just fuck up a screen door? Like it's like, it's a summer night and it's like 9.30 and the screen looks just like outside and you just fuck that thing up. Man, nothing like it.

You got to at least do, you got to at least have one, like I hit my head on a door in your life. Or grow up. You ever hit your head on a door? You got a lot to learn, buddy. Let me tell you.

Let's keep going. Yo, Ben, love the pod of fuck. I know, but anyways. Hold on. Back in college, we... I gotta hear this fuck one more time. ...loved the pod of fuck. I know, but anyways.

Back in college, we ripped a stop sign out of the ground, and we carried that with a big-ass cinder block of cement on the bottom of it and just smacking it up against the walls. So, for sure, they had security cameras. So why even know how we didn't go to prison or jail? Cause it's, I think it's illegal to rip one out of the ground, but yeah.

Yeah. So casual at the end. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. I can see ripping a stop sign out of the ground when it's just in grass. But dude, if you take out a stop sign in cement, who are you hanging out with?

Oh, just me and the five starting Ohio State linemen. Cement on the bottom row? cement on the bottom bro that's that's shit you find in like i am legend like that you know what i mean that's like some end of the world shit what's it what is it with guy why is it like a rite of passage for guys to like steal a sign when they're in college you just have have to. I did. I did. Or a big-ass traffic cone. At night,

they're reflective and you're just like, fuck yeah, bro. Guys love a challenge too. If somebody's like, you won't steal that sign, it's like, well, I know what I'm doing tonight. Stealing seven stop signs and probably going to jail. Everybody's stolen a stop sign, dude.

In every college house, especially the college baseball house, there's just fucking traffic signs on the wall. Men working. Yeah, Brad took that one. 2012, yeah. Oh, they were pissed. They were pissed. But then we just told him to stop.

Guys love stealing fucking signs, dude. Can't be a dude unless you steal a street sign that says something so dumb. With cement on the bottom. Dude, that's real shit right there. Cement? How bad do you want a stop sign? Just keep going. Oh my God, we're back again.

This process back, back, back, back again. I can just see that whole montage playing before this ep. Anyways, I lived at an apartment for a couple years and then they just didn't ask me to sign another lease. And I just

kept paying the same amount. That would happen to me. Yeah, four years later, I found out that they had actually raised the rent by about $200 over the course of that time. So why don't you just kick me out and make some money? What are you doing?

Also, I had a neighbor that had a sign that said pumpkin spice and everything nice. And I literally saw both of them get arrested. I don't have a joke for that. That's just justice, man. Oh, dude. I think that's happening to me right now in my apartment. I don't even think my apartment knows I live in my apartment.

And the funny thing is, I just bought $600 worth of moss to put in it. And I'm thinking about taking out a wall. I swear to God, I can do anything in my apartment. Let's open floor plan this bitch, huh? Have a brothel.

Derek, does anyone live up there? Oh, you'll hear it soon no I literally bought so much moss for my apartment it's just all over the walls why'd I have to say that in the sexiest voice of all time I don't really know you be the judge yeah but it's the most proud I've ever been of in my life anytime someone comes up to my apartment I, but it's the most proud I've ever been of in my life.

Anytime someone comes up to my apartment, I just pretend it's the most normal thing. I'm like, oh, yeah, that. I don't know. I got bored one day. No, I spent $600 on it. And it's the only thing I think about. What was the end of this? Oh god we're back again brother sisters everybody say why don't you just why don't you just some money what are you doing i had a neighbor that had a

sign that said pumpkin spice and everything nice and i literally saw both of them get arrested i don't have a joke for that. That's just justice, man. Should be arrested for that sign. Where would it be? Pumpkin spice and everything. What'd they get arrested for? Hey, what'd they get arrested for?

Bootleg Uggs? Oh, God. Come on. That wasn't that great. But this dude, everybody knows who that was, right? It's anonymous. I'm not going to say it, but usually

has the best Johnson jokes that I've ever heard in my life. Johnson here. All right, let's keep going. We got like four more. I 100% should have gotten evicted out of my uh college apartment so one night my friends and i were playing pong lost all the balls i had a few like damaged ones at my place and then one guy at the party's like dude you can literally just

like take a lighter to like the dent and the dental just like pop out like no problem i'm like all right sick so i go back to my apartment i'm trying to do this and it's just not working so i eventually like light the ball on fire and i toss it and i'm like oh fuck and it starts like picking up in the corner of my apartment so i'm like taking every fucking piece of clothing i have and like slamming this shit trying to this is good i finally put it out and there's like a baseball size like black mark on the floor luckily i never got charged but yeah that's it it's a hot fag yes that was a complete that was a great voice voice message he set it up he fucking knocked it down ended it with a cherry on top fuck That is the most 2009 frat boy thing ever. Almost burning down your house playing beer pong.

Backwards hat. Fuck. Oh shit. Dude, the only thing that lasted, the only thing that escaped the fire Was the stop sign We stole in 2009 Frat boy demolition crew

Bro how should we take down Our neighbor's house Yo just punch holes in the drywall And throw playstation controllers at the wall House collapses in two seconds Yo, just punch holes in the drywall and throw PlayStation controllers at the wall. House collapses in two seconds. Ta-ha! Delta fee.

Delta fee nominal job taking down our neighbor's house. All right, I need to go to sleep. Just kidding. Three more. I should have been evicted when I used a broom handle to try to kill a bug and put a hole through the ceiling and then my roommate um tried to patch it by making drywall out of flour and water so i guess you could say that was a half baked idea. Scott. Dude, who hasn't put a hole in their ceiling from a broomstick?

If you haven't put a hole in your ceiling with a broomstick, you need to grow up. It's 2022. I did that when I was in eighth grade and oh my my god we were in my friend's basement and I just fucking and it was a pool stick bro a blue dot on the ceiling from like the chalk on a pool stick she came downstairs what just hit the

ceiling I was like she looked saw that shit I was like I threw a a shock tart up there shock tarts are they still around anyway punctured the ceiling with a broomstick hell yeah

tried to fill the hole with flour and water. You just come back like a day later and there's just a pancake on your ceiling. Breakfast is served. How did, how would it ever stay up there? Flour and water.

He just tried to make paper mache. Oh, God. Paper mache is the only thing I knew how to make. It's still the only thing I know how to make. Don't know how to make food. What can you make? An art project? Flour and water.

It probably worked. I think the thing that i should be evicted for in my apartment that i haven't yet is smoking as much weed as i have and i don't have a med card or anything and the fact that i scream at every tv show that i watch because all i watch is reality tv just high and screaming all night just Just sound like a smoke alarm. It really hurts. Her apartment is literally a smoke alarm. Just fucking smoky ass room. You hear me try to scream?

Dude, I used to have that high-pitched scream down. Now I can't even do it. Scream at reality TV shows. Don't watch FBoy Island. You won't scream. You'll just never watch reality TV again. No, but for real,

I don't think you will. Because you can't watch FBoy Island and then watch The Bachelor it's like totally different shit why would you ever it's too serious who can watch The Bachelor I'd be like this is fucking this is no

way watch me on it next year haha yeah but people that, there are so many people that smoke weed in apartments and they're like, we didn't smoke. Dude, people that smoke weed always think that they don't smell like weed.

It's like weed people, it's your whole personality is smelling like weed. Like that's how we know you're close. Hey, is Chad coming over? Yeah, he's down the hall. Oh, yeah. Every time you get in a weed person, weed people. Weed people.

Weed people. Every time you get in a weed person's car you're like jesus christ bro rough day huh oh my god we're back again two more so to answer your question um i don't live in an apartment but i'm in a fraternity so oh shit I didn't mean to do that wait maybe I did cuz that sounded crazy oh no no we'll find it right we'll find it probably not we'll find it doesn't look like we're gonna find it wait yeah i don't know where that went whoopsies oh sorry bro

how did that happen well um is this it so it's not something okay no hey bro i feel really bad yeah man shit sorry about that I don't know what happened little technical difficulties on my end we'll be back after the break but hit me up next time for the

quick question of the week I'll make sure I play it but yeah eviction stories not bad thanks fam for the all the dms and the uh the voice messages that shit makes the pod and you know that and I appreciate it but uh big things coming this weekend going to a haunted house that's actually haunted, making a video there. I'm terrified. I'll keep you posted on that. Remember, Benedict Merch in the bio.

Benedictmerch.com, get whatever you want. And join the Patreon. Join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every week. Yo, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching FBoyIsland. Thanks for watching the YouTube vids. Thanks for commenting.

Thanks for liking. Doing all that stuff on social media because it literally means the world to me. It's all I think about because it's just what it is, man. And it's part of my life come out to the show soon um I'm gonna put them

on my website we might have something cooking a little to our life but I'll let you guys know I'll keep you updated thanks for everything guys I love you so much talk to you next week I fam we'll see you next time

bye