Espresso - carwashes plz calm down

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's something that is sexy to you that shouldn't be sexy at all? (like when GUYS PEE?) Ben reenacts the amount of ArmourAll carwashes put on the inside of your car, he realizes how f*cked up halloween really is and tells us the exact moment he felt 30 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 175. You hear my throat again? You hear my throat? Neither did I. Monkey Espresso Podcast. I like this. I like this right here. Come on Yeah Kind of underwhelming

Wait a minute Yeah, we brought the beat in Yeah Shit too cold, can't put my feet in Yeah, yeah Labor Day weekend in a three Really short week coming up Yeah, on the come up

Yeah, sun's out, put my bun up Yeah, cheeks in the air I don't care Yeah Shave my body, no hair Smooth like a baby, yeah But I'm soft too, mashed potatoes So drizzle something on me, yeah

I don't know, maybe some gravy Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah What's up? Espresso Podcast Episode 175. I'm your host, Ben Polizzi. How we doing, man? Short week coming up. I like this shit.

Remember to follow on TikTok, Instagram Cameo, Twitter Subscribe on YouTube YouTube is gonna be poppin' this week And definitely join On Patreon, I got some exclusive Podcasts, only for the fam On Patreon, so remember to go to Patreon slash Benedict Polizzi

And get up on it, man There's some good stuff over there For the fam only Remember to go to Patreon slash Benedict Polizzi and get up on it, man. There's some good stuff over there for the fam only. Some secret exclusive podcasts. I'm doing an extra one a week on Patreon, so make sure you join. But yeah, the YouTube stuff this week is going to be booming, man. My dog Wyatt at Wave 1 is like, bro, you need to get on youtube like hard I'm, like, okay, bro. Okay, fine So now i'm spending all my time on that

I'm doing that drunk cooking or drunk recipes. I sent it. I like asked you guys. I was like, hey, what's the Recipe or thing you just like made up when you were drunk or high that like was really good and you keep eating it when you were drunk or high that like was really good and you keep eating it. Send me that recipe and I'm going to recreate it and eat it. So that's what I did all day on Sunday. I just went for an hour and I just made all these weird ass things that I'm going to post on YouTube. I'm really happy about it. I'm really happy about the way it turned out.

I did it at my dad's house. Holy shit, bro. Me cooking at my dad's house. shit bro me cooking at my dad's house he probably got home and was like what the hell where all these fucking ah if one thing is different when my dad like sees his house it's just like it's just like his whole day is ruined like if a chair scooted over one inch He's like what the fuck happened here Damn it I'm like what Yeah but that'll be good

That will be fun What's up though What's up We got it cranking We got shows coming up later We got content I'm feeling good I love talking to you guys man thanks for

listening to the pod remember to tell the tings tell the homies to subscribe rate and review follow me because one of these days baby because uh i like the because this let's get this thing booming all right it's booming it's low it's booming it's simmering let's get this thing booming Alright It's booming It's low It's booming It's simmering Let's get it fucking popping All cooking terms today My neck's still fucking stiff I talked about it on the Patreon podcast My neck is stiff as shit

I think I'm like doing like Incline bench In the weight room And I don't know I mean I've been doing it my whole goddamn life and now every time I do it my neck gets so fucking stiff can't turn my head for shit I have to like turn my whole body to look behind me it's annoying that's what's going on right now old stiff neck I had this barber

I when I didn't care about my barber I still don't care about my barber really You probably listen to this podcast I'm sorry But I care about it you know what I mean He hooks me up on the haircuts but when I didn't care Too much I just went to his supercuts And the lady called me ol' stiff neck Every fucking time I went in there

I'd open the door she'd go ol' stiff neck And I'd be like fuck Cause like when you talk to your barber they're like actually your friend after a while cause you're just sitting there for fucking 45 minutes you gotta talk to they end up knowing everything about you I'm like god damn it

she knows where I live all this shit I'm like but uh every time it was time to like do the back of my neck barbers always do the back of my neck, barbers always cut the back of my neck so high, bro. No matter what. I could be like, hey, don't even cut the back of my neck hair.

And I'd look in the mirror, and that shit would be up by my ears. I'm like, what? Why you got to give me the fucking tan hut? Cut! The tan hut? Cut. Why am I Sergeant Steve every time I walk out of fucking barber shops dude why my gi no but every time it was time to do the back of my neck she'd be like put your face down or put your head look at your lap or whatever they say and i do it in my head

would like barely move she'd be, that's all you got? And I was like, yeah. She's like, damn, you got a stiff fucking neck. So she'd like have to literally like crank down my head with like a car jack to fucking cut the back of my hair. I was getting haircuts for a while. Every time I got one, I was like, this looks like shit. But I just kept going back, getting the same shit. This looks like shit. But I just kept going back, getting the same shit. This looks like shit.

Thank you. It's tough to figure out the haircut you like. Every guy just gets his haircut the same way. Nobody ever changes it up. When guys get their hair cut short, girls are like, what the fuck? Why do you cut all his hair? And then when the guys keep their hair long, all their friends are like, what the fuck, dude? You're a pussy.

You're like, god damn it, man. What do you want me to do? I can't believe I never, in my whole entire career of haircuts, I never had those, like, stripes in my hair. I cannot believe it. That's the one cringey thing I'm a little upset I didn't do. You know when you're fucking just thinking about, like, weird shit.

I always do this when I'm working out. I'm, like, working out. It's always when I'm doing, like, hard shit. And I yell, dude. It's always when I'm doing pull-ups. yell dude It's always when I'm doing pull ups I'm like the 7th one And people are like man he's really working hard But really I just thought about

Like some weird shit I said to a girl One time Like man he's really working his tail off In here keep going baby you got this next rep And in my head I'm just like fuck Why'd I accidentally Touch that girl's leg with my foot You got this next rep in my head. I'm just like fuck Why'd I accidentally touch that girl's leg with my foot under the table and I thought it was my friends fuck She thinks I'm so weird to this day It's always some shit like that

That maybe that's what all those guys do every time guys are squatting like seven plates on each side like They're just thinking about like what all those guys do. Every time guys are squatting like seven plates on each side and they're like ah, ah, ah, they're just thinking about like some weird shit they did. Some weird shit they did in PE class. Fuck, why didn't I wear deodorant that day? Fuck!

There's always like a streak of time. Dude, I don't think I've put deodorant on in a week. I know it sounds like disgusting, but my armpits don't sweat. We've talked about this. Certain dry. This isn't an ad, but I use certain dry like when I was a sophomore and my armpits don't sweat anymore. They just don't. So it's like I don't need to put deodorant on really.

I just kind of do just because like, you know, it's part of the routine. I haven't put deodorant on in a grip, of do just because like you know it's part of the routine I haven't put deodorant on in a grip bro there's always like a week span I'm like oh yeah deodorant exists part of me is scared that aluminum shit it kind of freaked me out for a minute oh for like I think for a year I used that non-aluminum deodorant and like my mom was like you know how girls just use guys deodorant all the time my mom was like can i use your deodorant and i was like i guess i mean fuck it it's not like i don't know you she used it and she like threw up because the smell she was like that is oh when my mom thinks something something's gross it's like she can't even fucking stand it. A lot of people are like that with some shit. Like when people like can't like stand the, the, the like scene of blood,

you know, people like can't look at blood. They're like, Oh my God. No, no, no. Change it. Change. They're like, like, I don't like seeing blood, but I'm still like, what the fuck is about to happen? You know, that's how my mom is with shit. When she thinks blood, but I'm still like, what the fuck is about to happen, you know? That's how my mom is with shit. When she thinks something's gross, it's like she'll throw up and die, maybe, if you keep talking about it. I can't say the word puss around my mom, or else she'll fucking kill me. She'll lock me out of the house, dude. Swear.

I think it's the same with Joey Molinero in Blood. He's the... There's just one of my... It's so funny, man. He'll be like, no, fuck. Oh, no. But then, like, he'll be watching a game, like a fucking Steelers game or something, and somebody will snap their leg,

and he'll, like, rewind it and watch the replay, like, 45 times. I'm like, dude, it's the same shit. That makes me want to watch. And people are like, oh my God, he snapped his leg in half on the goal line. I had to stop watching. I'm like, zoom in, bro. I haven't seen a good broken leg in a minute. I don't want that that shit you know i watched the other day popped into my head remember this show a thousand ways to die bro that show is the most low budget amazing tv show i've ever seen in my life they're just like they pick the weirdest ways people die which i don't know they're how they're allowed to do that like some girl got breast implants and it was like the really cheap kind. And they like, she got on a plane and like the,

the elevation made them like explode in her chest and there's blood. It's so graphic. I'm like, this was on TV. Imagine if that was on TV today. No fucking way. I love those old shows. I love those old shows Old shows are gas as fuck They're like super like Super like rude And like insensitive to people's race and shit And like bloody And sexy and fucked up

I'm like that's my kind of show baby Fuck I like that's entertainment I don't know why the fuck Fuck, I like that. That's entertainment. I don't know why the fuck. Hey, Mayo Main brought this up. He's like, you got to say this on your podcast, dude. I guess this is like a viral thing going around. Some girl took like a selfie in her mirror in her bathroom.

And in her shower caddy,'s a there's dish soap ajax and hey mayo man was like bro you gotta talk about that but like what why the fuck would that ever be you ever wash your hands with dish soap like you're like ah fuck it i can't find the hand soaps i'm gonna whatever i'll just use this dawn and you're 45 minutes later. You're still washing your hands that shit never fucking Your hands it's like Christmas. You're like I'm still over here. Sorry I Can't imagine washing my body with that Ajax in the shower. We're gonna look this shit up real quick Can you use AJ cleaning keys Ajax in the shower? Clean a bathroom with Ajax? Clean body with Ajax.

Ajax. Like, who the fuck buys Ajax? Is that even how you say it? Is the J silent or some shit? It doesn't look like a real word. Is it ox? Clean body with axe. I don't think it's a thing hey mayo I wish it was I wish that was like a you know how there's like hacks for shit how like you can use there's I hate those fucking

DIY hacks you ever you ever come across like a compilation of like DIY shit for around your house and it's like a paperclip that holds up your cell phone charger or some shit. It's like, dude, I'd rather just, there's so many steps and shit you got to use to like do some of those little hacks. I'd rather just buy the real thing. I'm like, fuck off. Yeah. To clean your shower, you get, you buy this, that, this, a magic eraser. You turn, turn around, you got to clean it upside down. You got to spray water on it. And look, you saved 60 bucks.

I'm like, yeah, but it took fucking two weeks. And now you have a concussion. I hate those. So easy. Just do it yourself. I hate people like that. They're like, we can eat. I could make that.

Like when you order something at a restaurant that's like super fucked up and somebody somebody's at the table and they're like i could make that at my house like and you're like yeah i know that's why i fucking got it here because i didn't want to make it at my fucking house dude yeah yeah but it's like 60 here if you made it at home it'd be literally $10. That's why I'm here, bitch. All that money. I don't feel like fucking with that. Cleaning it, I don't, that's why I'm at, dude, restaurants are so badass for that.

I never really understood how dope it was to go to a restaurant until like this year. Like, yeah, it's kind of expensive, but fuck, it's worth it. You don't have to clean, you don't have to do shit. You just fucking, you're just there and you're out oh fuck that's awesome goddamn i'm going to a restaurant tonight all of them are good i've been to one bad restaurant in my entire life and it was connected to a hotel so that's on me i should have fucking known that ass. For me, it's the people who take shit back. You know, like, since I serve my country. No, since I'm a waiter. Like, this always happens.

I didn't know this was a thing until I worked at a restaurant. So this whole table gets a chicken, sweet potatoes, collards, mac and cheese, biscuits. So that's pretty easy. All right, take it all up there. Cool. You guys good? Yeah, they're good. So leave them alone.

Come back. Half of their, all their shit's pretty much eaten. Like, you know, there's still some left here and there. We didn't like the mashed potatoes, or we didn't like the sweet potatoes that are kind of funky. Okay? What do you mean? In the college, we're kind of... We didn't really like those either.

I was like, oh. Since when? Is this a fucking taste test to you? What do you want me to do, man? Imagine going out with your parents and saying that shit. My dad would be like, eat that shit right now. You don't leave shit you don't like. It's your fucking ass.

You ordered it. I could not believe that. And now it's just every time somebody says that, I'm like, all right, bet. I guess I'll fucking take it off your bill. Damn, imagine if you did that all the time, every restaurant. I didn't like it. You ate half of it. Don't care. Didn't like it. You ate half of it. Don't care.

Didn't like it. You get everything for free. Fuck. All right. I'm excited for this espresso quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, espresso question of the week. What's something sexy to you that shouldn't be sexy at all for me it's like peeling shit

peeling that clear tape that you don't like catch the first time off uh electronics and shit like that oh my god what is it part of me like wants to keep it on i'm like it'll protect it but fuck ripping that shit off just the sexiest goddamn thing of all time and underneath like you ever rub your finger after you rip the fucking tape off you ever like run your finger against like the the screen or whatever it is like the the edge the frame of the tv it's like so smooth and new you're like oh my god i'm the first one to ever touch that we moved into my apartment like four years ago or some shit and it's the dude they've had the same microwave in that apartment for god for maybe 20 years i i like saw it like the light

was hitting it different and there was like a flap on the front and I was like, nobody knows about that. We're ripping it off right now. I ripped the front of that shit off. Oh! It was like instantly a new microwave.

My dad, of course, my dad's a motherfucker that's like, don't rip that shit off! He'll keep the plastic. You know the plastic that comes on your iPhone when you get a new iPhone right out of the box? He's like, it's all right. He'll keep that shit on there. He's so stupid, dude.

I hate that. I don't want it to get scratched. I want my... See, that's the difference between me and you. My stuff lasts. Fuck. My dad will keep fucking His whole house would be Fucking saran wrapped

Saran wrapped Is that even a word? He keeps that shit on everything He might not even be able to use his iPhone Because there's plastic all over it He'd be like I can't call you Because of the plastic on my phone. But I'm keeping my stuff last.

But that is sexy. Peeling that shit off, maybe the sexiest moment of my life. That's damn near why I get electronics. But what do you guys have to say? What's the sexiest shit to you that shouldn't be sexy at all? Here we go. Quick, quick question of the week oh and it's all voice messages this time i'm lit omelet omelet with cheese eggs peppers and sausage and onions omelet here we go liam paniero i know this is this is either going to be something so fucked up or actually the best

answer of all time. Either one, I like. Liam Paniero, what's the sexiest thing to you that shouldn't be sexy at all? Hey, Ben. It's Liam Paniero here from Barstool. Something that's sexy to me that shouldn't be sexy at all is when I'm cutting, especially wrapping paper, but really anything with scissors, and it starts to glide across the paper. You know what I'm cutting, especially wrapping paper, but really anything with scissors and it starts to glide across the paper. You know what I'm talking about? Where you like stop cutting and it just starts to glide like that type shit.

Yeah. I'm bricked up just thinking about it. Love the show, but that's something that turns me on that's not sexual. Also sex. I love Liam. Fuck! instead of i love lucy i'm gonna make a show this is i love liam you mean him just making out the whole time what but he's so that is bro that is the one the number one answer family feud when the scissors glide through the goddamn wrapping paper you ever have scissors that

Don't fucking do it though you're like What the fuck I don't give a fuck about Christmas Fuck you mom Dude You know you come across that pair of scissors and they Like won't they don't have the glide function They don't they're just fucking White guy scissors and you're like where the fuck do you get these bro

It's always oh dude It's always the scissors that are like you get out of the They're your number You know you always have the number one scissors in your house Growing up or just now You have your fucking Your QB1 scissors In your house

Once you lose those It's just fucking hell breaks loose Bro you'll use any Scissors after that Get the ones out of the knife block Fuck it and then you Fucking try to wrap a present with those Those bitches are not gliding

Those are for fucking ground chuck Those are for fucking cutlets Those are for fucking white meat on the foreman grill those bitches are not gliding bro i swear one time i because dude scissors are so valuable in the house if you don't if i don't have scissors like handy on me in the apartment somewhere i have a fucking mental breakdown i'll go to walgreens and buy 96 pairs of scissors and just fucking scatter them across the apartment Fucking throw them at the couch just playing darts on that fabric Dude I fucking I did I did something dirty with our fucking scissors in my house growing up.

We had our QB1 scissors. They had the orange handle. You know what I'm talking about. Those are the most scissors of all time. They're like grown-up adult scissors with the orange handles. You know what I'm saying. They're like, they're not even orange handles. They're like macaroni yellow orange.

You're like, yes. You know what I'm saying. Those are baller ass scissors those been through fucking christmases have they been through some shit they're veterans something happened to those my mom was using them or some shit she like left them somewhere weird probably in the sewing kit that every mom had maybe mine only but those were gone and i was like fuck so i used the scissors that were supposed that were for like cutting up food and shit in the in the scissor weird drawer in the kitchen that's not your drunk

drawer but it's like your like stuff that's not spatulas but that kind of shit your kitchen tools but it was scissors that like looked like they were for like doing shit not like just for like bullshit i did something with those i need to like cut something when i was a kid i lost the fuck out of them and i swear to god my dad is still where's the white scissors he still says that shit to this day that might have been in 2001 when i fucking lost him to this day he's like where's the you lost the I still don't know what happened to those white scissors I'm like dude but like to his like like to his credit like they were some fucking nice white scissors I fucked those up whoopsies it was me bitch I did it I lost him That was good that was good shit right there

Liam nice Liam's popping off on TikTok by the way Uh follow him right now Liam Pinero TikTok And uh Instagram he's just a good follow all around He's like low key uh One of the first Um like content creators In indiana i think that

like went off he did youtube like when he was like in eighth grade and shit and he's popping the motherfucker can edit here we go i knew i was gonna get one of these oh it's not a voice message not doing it this is what you get when you don't follow the rules, kids Fuck off Alright, got a bunch of 100 replies Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh Oh shit, I need to repost that guy Damn it Here we go

Charlie Miller, 1977. What's something sexy to you that shouldn't be sexy at all? Charlie Miller, 1977. Let's hear it. Charlie Miller, 1977. I can't fucking even imagine the year you were born. How are we supposed to know? Here we go.

See, that shouldn't be. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ben Polizzizi god damn it why shouldn't i be hold on what something sexy that shouldn't be ben palizzi why shouldn't i be sexy that's i'm that's kind of rude honestly but thank you, Charlie Miller 1977. I don't know how to react to that. I'm kind of flustered. All right.

Let's keep it going here. I know I got a couple more voice messages. The voice messages just make it legit, dude. They do. I need a girl to ride, ride, ride. These are going to be fucked up. We're going to the request, which, um, oh my God. This isn't a request, but fuck. Bessa me beauty.

What's something sexy to you that shouldn't be sexy at all? This isn't a voice message. Bessa me beauty. The way my husband's armpits smell. Fuck, dude. That's weird. If the roles were reversed, I would understand. Cause like girls don't, when girls think they smell, it's like 0.1% of when a guy actually smells, you know? are like i smell like shit i can smell myself and you like get a whiff of them you're like that's me like after i take a shower that's how i smell i'll get out of the shower and fucking walk across the house and i'm like damn i still kind of smell

like shit that's how girls smell when they're like drenched in sweat i don't know what it is it's just like the some hormone shit but guys when guys, when guys smell, it's like, oh, fuck. Oh my God. Get the fuck out of here. Burn in hell, you piece of shit. I just worked out and fucking, I took all my goddamn clothes off and I was about to take a shower and I smelled my dumb fucking meat body. And I was like, ew, dude. I smell like a fucking

wet snake in the ocean. I was like, this is fucked up. I almost threw up. And then guys don't stop sweating either. I took a shower, went outside. I was sweating my fucking ass off. It doesn't ever stop. So that's kind of fucked up there. Best of me, beauty. Who's your husband? So that's kind of fucked up there, Bessie Beauty. Who's your husband? Mr. Clean? All right. Is your husband bod, man?

Oh, bod, I love your bod. I want your bod Come on baby I know we got another fucking one in here Come on baby Here we go Yes Amanda Pearl 90 What's something sexy to you

That shouldn't be sexy at all When you're doing laundry What's something sexy to you that shouldn't be sexy at all? When you're doing laundry and you're cleaning out the lint trap and the lint rolls off in one piece. Oh, I love it. True, AmandaPearl90. was that um unusually sexy or something the way that she sounded why was that like oddly i don't know what that was but i feel you why is this weird but yeah she's right she has a point when you fucking dude, I swear to God, my roommate doesn't know that the lint trap is a thing. He just like growing up, he might not have done his own laundry

or whatever. I don't know. Uh, so, but every once in a while I'll be like, yo bro, uh, if you're doing, if you're drying some clothes or whatever, just remember to like take that out sometimes. And I swear, and he's, I think he just goes every, I've probably said it to him seven times in our whole career lives. And every time he just goes, all right. And I'm like, I don't think he knows what the fuck I'm talking about. Oh well. So I just do it every single time. Like our house is, there's an apartment downtown Indianapolis that fucking fucking exploded today let's go to the scene

it's just my apartment just the face of it blown out of the building just the dryer my roommate fucking jumping out of the window on one of those fireman trampolines fucking plugs his nose like he's jumping in the water i swear he has no fucking idea but i do it every time and it's so much goddamn lint i'm like one more load of laundry we would have been in the fucking paper baby oh shit oh my god uh also when you peel a clementine or tangerine or cutie or whatever the fucking word you want to use for those little baby oranges that are the fucking best shit of all time. When you pull the skin off of one of those all in one. I think I want to marry you, marry you, marry you.

you marry you if you're peeling a clementine around me and you just rip it into like 42 different segmented pieces all over the table i'll slap you right across the fucking mouth i'll spit on my hand first fuck you imagine that oh my god oh shit that'd be so funny. Why did you fucking hit me? fine You peel a clementine like you're fucking six. I am six. Oh shit. I'm so sorry fuck give it to me next time Holy shit All right, all right, how about one. How about one more? How about one more?

We can fuck with it. Come on, dude. Send a fucking voice message. Please, please, please make the show better. Make the show better for me. God damn it. Come on, I know we got one more. Oh, yes!

Yes! This is weird, too. Weird username. My favorite. Things that are sexy to you that shouldn't be sexy at all island diaries by kate i think it's so sexy when a guy knows all the conditional formatting tricks you know like in Excel spreadsheet, which I guess explains why I am with an accountant. True.

I totally understand this. Because I think guys that can do Excel are sexy as fuck too. No. But like when people are just smooth with shit, it is like weirdly sexy. My roommate in my old fucking house house i used to live in with five dudes five white guys but we not in sync uh he was so nasty with the remote on tv like if we were watching a fucking football game colts game he'd like he'd like you know how people rewind

and it like goes way past the fucking part where you want to see and you're like, God, fucking forget it, dude. Go back to live. He was just like. Hey, can you go back to that channel where the movie was on? Like in between the commercial breaks. No hesitation. No delay. If we wanted something rewound to like a fucking weird guy on the sidelines that we saw,

he'd be like, two seconds before they showed it on TV. And then he'd be like, yo, yo, here it is. And he'd set it up, too. He'd make it funnier. He'd be like, here it is. We're ready, ready, ready. And he'd hit play, and he'd be like, right into it. We were like, yes!

Blake Richman, bro. Blake Richman. Blake the snake on Instagram, I think. But he is sexy with the remote. Also, man, I got all I got. I noticed shit like this. I'm glad Island by Island Diaries by Kate. I'm glad you brought this up. Young Mantis can edit videos like that.

He'll FaceTime me and like show me a video on his computer, and he'll be like, there's no delay. He's just fucking nice with the keys. Excel equations, that is a powerful fucking sex tool. If you can put an equation in, oh, fuck, dude. What a smart person. What else is like that? person what else is like that um it's never it's never guys on their phone but girls on their phone when they uh girls text so fast holy shit dude you ever see a girl like responding to something

with an actual answer that's like more than two words she She's like, her thumbs are fucking whacking her shit, dude. When I respond, I'm like, when girls are like, actually responding to something. Y'all ready for this? Whoop, sent. I'm like, okay. Well, anyway.

It makes me feel like I have some kind of syndrome. I'm like, god damn, never mind. Here we go. One more. Stuff. Something that's sexy to you, but shouldn't be sexy at all. This is JoJo G. JoG. Now, I'm not kidding. The smell of a

fresh, detailed car. Fuck. So sexual. I'm with you. JoJo G. JoJo G. JoJo G. JoJo G. JoJo G.'m with you. Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jo're like, yeah, this time, I'm going to spend the money. I'm going to do it. And the guy's like, all right, what the fuck? Everybody does this, but okay. And you're like, yeah, just fucking give me the total max.

Yep, all that. I want it all. Take her. Take her. Take her. Start calling your car her and shit. Take her. Take her.

It's yours. Oh, yeah. Give her back to me when you drop her off by 10. The guy's like, just fucking pay me, bro. Jesus Christ. Never been to a car wash. All right. Check. So, yeah, I did that one time.

Literally, just like that. And they fucking detailed it all. Fucking armor all. They fucking armor all the piss out of my car, dude. I got in and fucking fell on my ass. I got in my car, slipped on the mat, fucking fell flat on my fucking ass in the chair. Fuck! Jesus Christ, I slipped on the mat. Armorall went in my car, the Captain Armorall guy, the mascot for Armorall, I think he's like a fucking knight or something, and he just fucking whipped out his dick and pissed all over my car and that shit smelled good and

it looked good but my shit was wet the steering wheel bro i couldn't even turn i was like i couldn't even fucking i didn't make a turn all the way home i just drove straight into a fucking warehouse dude straight into a fucking warehouse. Dude. The cop's driving next to me. Roll down my window. He rolls down his. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

Turn. I can't turn. Why not? I got my fucking car detail back there. Oh, first time? Yeah. I just let her take her until fucking 10 p.m. Right into a fucking shed. shit dude a thousand ways to die this guy got his car detailed and everything was so fucking wet he couldn't operate his vehicle

i swear to god can fucking car washes calm the fuck down? Can I get some diet Armor All? Jesus Christ, dude. That shit is so fucking wet. Two years later, touch my dash. My finger's fucking shiny. I'm like, oh. Jesus Christ.

All the seats are all wet and shit Yeah it smells good but fuck It better The amount of armor all I'm like ah it changes the color of my whole interior I didn't know you got a new car Yeah just fucking got a car wash That's all

The works You got black interior now I thought it was light gray. Oh, fuck. That's funny. God, I want to do one more so bad. If there's one more. Oh, there is one. Alright, the last one.

Prissy. Something that's sexy to you. It shouldn't be sexy at all. Here we go. When a guy goes to pee. God damn it. Because the whole time he's in there, I'm thinking he's holding his cock and shaking it and it's sexy. What the fuck?

That was it? All right. Didn't understand the question. Holding his cock and it's sexy. We got to listen to that shit again. Something that's sexy that shouldn't be sexy at all. I was thinking she would say like the sound of pee or something, which is oddly weird, but here we go.

When a guy goes to pee. Didn't think about it before she sent it. Dot com. Because the whole time he's in there, I'm thinking he's holding his cock. Didn't know what she wanted to say. Almost said dick wasn't hot enough. Bumped it up for the audience, said cock. And shaking it, and it's sexy.

And that's it. Dude, what the fuck? Whenever somebody says cock, they mean fucking business. You don't just fuck around and let a cock fly, you know what I mean? It's always dick, it's always something else, but if you say, oh, look at his cock, you're like, what the fuck? Are you trying to fuck? Why did you say cock?

Did you just get done watching porn? We gotta listen to it one more time Just for the fuck of it and then we'll stop This is so funny dude She didn't know what the fuck She just wanted to fucking She was bored bro This girl was so bored

Yeah I'll answer it fuck it When a guy goes to pee because the whole time he's in there i'm thinking he's holding his cock jesus it was so close to saying penis and that would have fucking made it way better but fuck and shaking it and it's sexy. And that's it. I keep thinking there's another thing I should play that finishes that thought off, but there's not. All right. Hey, one more time. Before she says cock, she rips off about four other names for a dick in her head, and she's like, no, no, no.

Cock. Listen. And she's like, no, no, no. Cock. Listen. When a guy goes to pee, because the whole time he's in there, I'm thinking he's holding his cock. All right. I'm shaking it. Oh, I didn't mean.

And it's sexy. Her name's Prissy. Fuck. Thanks, Prissy, for real. That was funny. Oh, shit. All right, let's go. But first, this podcast, the Espresso podcast, is brought to you by Wave One Media.

If you want to start your own show, seriously, if you want to start your own show, go to thewaveone.com. That's a real ad, by the way. That's not like some shit I just say because I'm bored. If you really want to start your own podcast, go to thewaveone.com. They'll make it bounce.

All right, here we go. Viral. I like motherfucking turtles. Alright, hashtag... I'm at the age when... Jesus Christ, dude, I'm at the age when I can't... I'm starting to be at the age where I can't go out anymore. Fuck, I never thought I'd be... No, I can, but like...

Dude, we were at a nightclub the other night, and I was just like, fuck. I got nothing. I had nothing, bro. I had no... I wasn't trying trying to drink i don't know what was going on i was just was not feeling that shit i had nothing to contribute you know when you go out everybody has to contribute something like you go out in a group of five people one guy's gotta like dress cool as fuck one guy's gotta like hat bring the drink to the pregame one guy's gotta like get the food

after one guy's gotta drive and one guy's gotta be pretty fucking funny and like getting the group to like maybe gets girls to join or something you gotta have it's gotta be the fucking avengers when you go out you everybody's gotta have their fucking power you know and if you don't contribute you're fucking you get killed first and i got fucking killed the other night bro i didn't bring shit to the party nothing wasn't drinking didn't look that cool Wasn't being funny. Didn't buy shit. I think I drove there, too. Maybe I was the driver.

I was. That was my superpower, that I was the fucking DD. Ugh, lame. But fuck, bro. I was like, um, you know when you're somewhere that should be fun, you're just not having fun? That never happens to me, honestly, because I always usually, like, find a way or see someone or just do it. But I had nothing. I was taking laps around this fucking place.

Like, maybe if I, maybe, okay, I did a lap in one minute last time and no one even looked at me. Maybe I can do it again. Like, I was doing shit like that. That's how fucked up I was. I was going shit like that. That's how fucked up I was. I was going to the bathroom. Even the fucking guy in the bathroom that like, you know, the guy in the bathroom that hangs out in there and gives you mints and shit and towels. He was like, yo, man, you got to pee a lot tonight.

Ha ha. My dog. I was like, fuck. He's on to me. I wasn't doing shit. That has never happened. I didn't have anything going on I didn't need to be anywhere else

I didn't have anything important to do the next day I was just like Dude like 10 people were like Are you good? I was like fuck dude I'm obvious too I'm obvious I can't hide it

I needed to like be away But I couldn't But yeah that's uh That's how I know I'm 30 Whoops Like if we went out tonight I'd have fun But it was just one of those nights Fucked up

Hashtag you know things are Okay no I don't want to do that one Hashtag My most boring confession. My most boring confession. What's something you do that's so fucking bored? Boring that you just don't... Damn, that could be an espresso question pert near.

We say pert near, not damn near. Most boring confession i don't ever have to leave my house i confess my boredom let's go out let's do something let's play game let's go let's fuck come on let's meet up let's go let's drink let's go to. Let's go. I don't give a fuck. I can do absolutely everything I need to do socially from my phone. I swear to God. Sometimes my friends were begging me to go out, dude. And I said no one time. And then I just got on Instagram live when I got home.

And I'll never hear the end of that shit. Yeah, remember you told us you weren't going to come out? Because you were hungry or something. So you went home, and then we were just on Instagram. We were watching you on Instagram Live the whole time we were hanging out, and you were supposed to be there. I was like, fuck! Dude, sometimes I just do not.

Like, I'm good. I'm good. It's always fun. It's just getting dressed, bro, for me. I'm like, I don't have any clothes. I don't have any clothes. If somebody got my clothes ready every day and night, I would be the happiest motherfucker alive. I'd be walking down the street like this.

Zippity-doo-dah, zippity-day. Zippity-doo-ity doo da Eat lunch right away That would be me every single time I woke up If all my clothes were laid out This is what you're gonna wear for the day This is what you're gonna wear for the night And if you work out, this is what you're gonna wear Have a good one

Then they walk out of the room Zippity doo da I wake up at 7am every morning Ready to roll But since I don't have that Fuck Hashtag Ready to roll. But since I don't have that, fuck. Fuck. Hashtag red flags.

Hashtag red flags. I think if a girl if a girl's car is clean, that she's psycho, like a real fucked up bitch. Cause I've never, I've met some psycho people, girls that, uh, their cars are still fucking like a tornado went through them. And I'm like, huh, at least you're normal. All right, okay, got there. At least we got that checked off. But if a girl's car is like spotless, cup holders clean as fuck,

detailed, if armor all pissed all over this girl's car and that shit is class as fuck, I'm a little scared. I'm like, you document too many things scared. Like you keep track of a lot of shit that I don't think you're keeping track of scared. You know, like girls have like one of those lists stored in their phone about shit you've said. This girl with the clean car has fucking 10 of those shit. You like eating. Shit you don't like eating. Fucking stuff you said. Weird shit.

Your clothes. She probably remembers the clothes you wore from like a week ago. That's scary. That's a red flag for me. Clean car. I saw something on the internet. It was like if your girl's favorite holiday is Halloween, she's probably, like, fucked up. Or, like, toxic or something.

I don't know. Something, one of those words that are all kind of the same. I think Halloween's the most lit holiday. It is. Yeah, Halloween is like weird and witchcrafty, but that's cool as shit. Halloween's a real holiday, bro.

Christmas, Easter, that's all. Is your girlfriend's favorite fucking holiday Easter? Time to break up. Ew. I like Easter. I like never talking to you again. Holy shit.

Easter? That'd be so lame. People look so fucking dumb on Easter, too. Pastel dress. My pastel shirt on my hubby. Find the basket. It's so soft. Halloween's like, get the fucking chainsaws out

let's go to this corn maze and get the fuck scared out of us halloween is for for the fucking pros dude don't fuck with halloween if you're not trying to get this shit scared out of you. Halloween is coming for blood, dude. Literally. Halloween's fucked up. You knew Halloween was like the shit when you were a kid and you went in Meijer and they had that little like made up haunted house in Meijer, the community grocery store. They're just in the entrance. There's a little fucking haunted house that scared the shit out of you. That's when you knew, you're like, fuck, I kind of like Halloween. This is crazy, dude. This is Meyer. I'm not in Spencer's Gifts with this shit.

This is Meyer. Walk in a little fucking room with scream mask and there's a fucking tarantula in the back your mom wouldn't let you go in you're like this is a holiday this is fucked up what fucking people scaring the shit out of you movies even your favorite like kids g-rated show was like all demented and shit for a week fucking kids walking around the neighborhood your little ass 10 year old ass fresh out of fucking fourth grade is walking around your neighborhood there's a guy in a flannel shirt with a bloody fucking scream mask and you're just allowed to see that shit he has a big fucking knife fuck that's why's why Halloween is fucking cool, bro. What?

That's a lot. All this shit. All the movies and stuff. If your girlfriend's favorite fucking holiday is Easter, bye-bye. Smack my ass on the way out. I'm going right to Halloween town, bitch.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Oh, shit. Look right here. This little fucking skeleton. This is just in here. This is the effect Halloween has on the human mind. This little fucking straw skeleton is just fucking in here.

I don't do anything in here except for come in here and scream for an hour. Wow! Let's do days. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Days of the Week. Wednesday. Wednesday.

National Ampersand Day. Jesus Christ, bro. What the fuck's an ampersand again? Like, have a more confusing name. I guess it fits, though, because an ampersand is the most confusing symbol. When's it even appropriate? I'll slip an and, like, in my tweets, like an ampersand in my tweets every now and then but i'm still like it looks kind of random like what what do people even use i still can't even ampersand is so dead on the name ampersand is so dead on because it's

so confusing and i still don't even know how to fucking draw one of those things. Every time I draw one, I'm like, throw it away. Don't want to show anyone that draw an ampersand right now and show me you don't get to practice. That's going to be my test. That should be the test for it. You think you like this girl? You think you like this girl? You just going to start dating this girl? All right. Have her peel a fucking cutie from the store. See how she does it.

And have her draw an ampersand. Put her through a fucking rigamarole. The dating gauntlet. Peel a tangerine. Or clementine. Or cutie. Depends. What you want to call it.

And draw an ampersand. Then we'll see, bitch. And what's your favorite holiday? Easter. Easter. And what's your favorite holiday? Easter. Ah! And what's your favorite holiday? Easter Ah Holy shit

I need help Thursday National teddy bear day Did everybody have a teddy bear growing up? Jesus Christ I had one. I'm still addicted to that little bitch. Named it Corduroy, but I couldn't say Corduroy.

I always called it Corderon. That's probably what I'll name my kid. Corduroy. That would be a nasty name. I'm putting that down. If somebody's name was Corduroy... That should be... That's crazy. You can't take that.s shoddy shoddy corduroy

that's hard anyway that was my bear's name and fucking i still might have that little bitch i like that bear i slept with that bear all the time and one day one day i don't know what happened my mom was must been bored out of her fucking mind or i was like sad or it was about to be my birthday dude moms are so fucking awesome when it's your birthday and you're a kid god damn dude moms kill the thoughtful shit they do that you don't you're just i'm thinking about this now like wow i love that bear so goddamn much when I was a kid one time I came home from school for some reason it could have been my birthday could have been something else that fucking bear that always sat on my bed between my pillows every day I made my fucking bed pillows there you know

you put these two you got four pillows two on one side two in the other there's a little gap in the middle I put the bear right there every day before school then I'd go to school and I'd think about that motherfucker a quarter I'd be like I wonder what he's doing right now he probably misses me fuck one day i came home from school my mom said she had a surprise for me went upstairs went to my room that little fucking bear had a red vest on i'm about to fucking cry, dude. And I was like, holy fucking shit, Corderon got a new jacket. He just had a red vest on all of a sudden. Didn't even have buttons,

just like a vest Aladdin wore, just red, just, hey, what's up? I was like, damn, you look good. Just a little shit like that, you know? Wow. Corderoy looking fly as fuck from now on, I guess. All right. Your world, Corduroy.

Friday. National TV dinner day. Oh, fuck. Those are so weird. So weird, but I always want one. They're so good with like the the branding of a tv dinner you know those hungry man it's first of all it's called fucking hungry man damn like you're already like what is that even though it's weird and gross like what is that

hungry man like i'm definitely a hungry fucking man that's that's hitting the fucking that's hitting it on the head and And the box is black. Like the portions are perfect. There's mashed potatoes, there's ribs, there's corn, there's fucking a little dessert. You're just like, ooh, that would be good. Damn. And then you warm it up in the microwave. It smells like you just fucking sucked a bouncy ball up a vacuum.

You're like, oh, what is that? You know your vacuum, like something weird happens to your vacuum, and it smells like really fucked up. It smells like if you lit a fucking plastic cup at a bonfire. You know, you just, that smell. You're like, what the fuck? Oh, God, come on. Some shit like that.

It smells like that. That's what every Like TV dinner smells like And you're just eating it You're like This is your face The whole time you're eating

A TV dinner It was good Just get it out of my Fucking face Crying and shit it was good the brownie was the best part they're so weird

Saturday 9-11 national hot cross bun day what the hell hot cross bun National Hot Cross Bun Day. What the hell? Hot Cross Bun. Sounds like a motocross trick. Hot Cross Bun.

Oh, shit. Hot Cross Bun. This is an actual thing. Those buns with the crosses on top. I thought this was about to be something not what this... Is that icing? Holy shit. Hot cross bun recipe filled with warm spices, bright citrus. Ew.

Tablespoons of butter, powdered milk, cup of white sugar. Yeah, bro. It's just a bun with icing on top and a cross. I always see these and I'm like, what the hell? Who made those? They're a little too Jesus-y these and I'm like, what the hell? Who made those? They're a little too Jesus-y for me, I think, honestly. Now that I think about it.

Maybe if you rotate a little bit and it becomes an X, now I'm into it. Somebody shows me a plate of hot cross buns, I'm like, ew, too Catholic. And they're like, wait a minute. I'm like, how many can I have? Jesus Christ, those look good.

That's all you got to do for me. Just turn the tray, bucko. Fuck. Intimins. I never knew, like Intimins, you know the dessert? They're, I guess they're like hot cross buns. Those are Intimins like original, I guess. The name Intimins had so many letters in it,

and the font makes it look so confusing. I just never knew the name of that shit. You know, there'd be, like, Intimins, a whole table of them at the grocery store, and you're all like, oh, that shit always looks good. I still don't know the name of that, because there's too many letters in there that I can't read. It just looks difficult.

Intimins, that's what it really looks like. You're like, how many fucking N's are in that? Jesus Christ. Intimids. Chill out. Hot cross Bunday. Hot cross. Fuck.

Sunday. National hug and high five day. That's the worst day of all time, bro. Hugs. So weird. Even weirder are high fives, dude. When somebody tries to give you a high five, you're like, you've never played a sport, and we're off.

When somebody's like, yeah, good job, and they give you one of these, I'm like, you think I am? This is weird, bro. I always switch. I never go through with it. I'm like, let's just fucking do it down here. This is way better. I try to convince them.

I'm like, let's go. Or I'm like, this is so awkward to me. When somebody's like, good job, and they're always like, I'm like, this is is weird I'm always like wait wait wait down low so it's like less weird and they're like they always buy it and I do it I'm like I'm getting the fuck out of here

that is so weird high five I'm like I always say it like that I'm like you're weird dude down low nice high five so weird so awkward it's the way people clap

too bro some people the people that give high fives clap like this my sister claps like this I'm like what the fuck is wrong with you I'm like clap at an fuck is wrong with you? I'm like, clap at an angle, bro. You ever fucking ran before

in your life? You ever pick something up off the ground? You ever done anything? You clap like this. She's like, not going to any type of show with you. Not going to a game with you. Do people even clap at games?

Like football games, when somebody scores, are people like... Or are people just like, yeah! Fuck yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah! I can't even imagine. When do people clap? I guess just at like comedies and shows and shit? Do people even clap for that?

National Video Games Day. I just want to beat a whole game in a day, you know? Like, if I'm playing video games, I just want to, like, block off the whole day. I would never be able to do it because I have a disease, but I would block just from fucking 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. All we're doing is playing this video game, and we're beating the whole thing no matter what. No matter what it takes. Whatever it takes. I mean, I look at my partner i'm playing games i

think about do this but you know like when you try to beat a game and you get your homie with you and you guys like take turns on the levels but this is what always happens like i'll do that i'm like let's go let's do it yeah come on we can do this, yes. Fucking get to, like, I win the first level. I'm like, yeah, I did it. First level's always easy, though. And then he does the second level, fucking flies through it. I'm like, keep going. You got this, man.

You got the momentum. We're a team. And then he fucking rips off the next five levels, feels bad for me, gives me the controller. I'm like, fuck, bro. You might as well just play this whole thing. I'm on the sixth level, and I fucking get killed. I'm like, it. You might as well just play this whole thing. I'm on the I'm on the sixth level and I fucking get killed I'm like It just ends up him then I just go to my room do something else and he beats the game. I'm like

job bro He's like low let's go low yeah He's like, low, let's go low. And you're like, yeah. Fuck, I lost my mind. Oh, shit. That was fried. But that always happens every time I play video games.

I'm like, maybe I'm just not cut out for this. All right. That's it. Espresso pod, shout. I think I'm going to stop saying shot. It's a weird thing, but it just doesn't. People don't know what it means. I talked to somebody, and they're like, I don't know what the word shot means.

I thought it was like basketball, and now I'm like, that's fucking me up. I'm just going to say episode. I got to get used to it. That's episode 175. Thanks for hanging. It was fun. I love this pod. You guys know that shit.

I love it when you guys come up and you're like, yo, I listened to the pod. That shit is so dope, man. For real. Tell your homies. Tell the Tings. Subscribe, rate, review. Join Patreon, I swear.

That shit is going to be fun, man. Subscribe on YouTube, too, because we're doing things. I can't wait to get this shit cracking. And you guys are a big part of that. So thank you. follow on TikTok, Instagram Cameo Twitter, all that Benedict Polizzi and

okay talk to you guys next week I have fam about to cry you